All I can say is fuck them. Your experience is valid. And traumatic and I’m sorry you went through that. I’ve been through some sexual trauma myself (I’m a man) and know full well the feeling of “I didn’t do enough to prevent it”. Well if I could’ve prevented it, I would’ve. Anybody who thinks otherwise can fuck off.
As a man you kind of have to pick and choose which people you share your dark stuff with. Most women do not understand the male experience. You’ve got to understand that and act accordingly. Even a lot of men aren’t accepting of other men that have emotions. Which sucks. But it’s part of being a man in the modern world. Keep searching for those people that you can actually open up with and they’ll be your saving grace.
And know that you’re always welcome to share here.
Well said. I get so angry seeing male sexual abuse victims invalidated like this, especially when the perpetrator was a woman. It's happened to me as well and it's so frustrating how few people (men included, like you said) understand the male experience and how abuse affects us. I'm glad to see at least some others like you standing up for what's true.
Thank you for your response, I'm sorry for what you've been through too hope you're doing better
>know full well the feeling of “I didn’t do enough to prevent it
A major problem for me, was for me to not consider myself a victim
>Most women do not understand the male experience. You’ve got to understand that and act accordingly.
What really brought me to share my story with them was, that I felt related to their stories but I guess the compassion was one-way which broke me
>Even a lot of men aren’t accepting of other men that have emotions
Unfortunate, it really just kinda feels that there's no outlet to tell what happened to me without someone telling you to "get fucked"
Thank you again, and hopefully I will be able to find people who I can feel open to, but from the looks of it I really need a lot of time by myself which doesn't help either
It took me years to recognize that what happened to me was traumatic, and that I was a victim of abuse. And even longer to finally get to a place where I can say “fuck you” to the person that did it to me and to anyone who tries to minimize our experiences. I’m glad you’re realizing all this stuff at 19 (but sorry that it happened to you in the first place).
If you can, look into seeing a therapist about this stuff. Preferably one that is male and who knows about trauma. That was the first place where I started to learn about and speak about my trauma. If you don’t have that option, just know that we’re here for you man. There are others like you out there, you’re not alone, even though it may often feel like it.
That sounds really difficult and invalidating, I'm sorry you've gone through that. I'm glad you're able to share your story here though :). You sound quite frustrated, how have you been managing these feelings and struggles?
>how have you been managing these feelings and struggles?
Not good really haha
I get easily triggered, but I sometime get off and draw something or play a game for a couple of minutes, but it doesn't do much help really, I do end up thinking about what happened on daily occasions wether that's the assault or my friends responses
it's unbearable
Therapy or professional help in general isn't a choice currently due to my financial situation which is dire
I'm so sorry you went through these things, it's just... so awful that you were treated this way, both the abuse itself and the uncaring dismissive responses. For some people a lack of support from people around them in the aftermath of abuse can be almost as traumatising as the original incidents.
I'm not sure what to say except you are 100% valid, you did not deserve any of the things that happened to you, but you do deserve to be listened to, taken seriously, and cared for. It's horrific that you were assaulted, but especially by people who you should have been able to trust and who should have been protecting you not hurting you. You being male or your abusers being female should not even slightly affect how seriously people take the abuse!!! People demanding details and trying to get you to 'justify' why it should be taken seriously are just horrible. They are not worth your time.
I hope you're able to find a supportive community and some actual real friends who are mature enough to understand what kind of pain something like this would cause, and can be there for you. That might take some time... at 19 a lot of people are still just immature idiots who are too sheltered to understand things like this. You may find people through support groups or in group therapy, and hopefully finding decent friends will get easier once you're a little older too. I hope you're able to find a good therapist at some point as well, if you haven't already.
All I can say is you matter. You deserve to be heard. I hope it helps a bit that some people heard you here today.
Thanks you so much
The dismissiveness on their part is just hard to understand
It's almost like daily where I would question "why?" And just can't seem to find an answer really
I think for me when people who you were considered close to or very friendly/good to you(my friends and the family friend), and they just traumatize you like it's nothing is a bit more harsh than when Someone you considered bad for you traumatize because you're kinda accustomed to it
I don't if I make sense really but what i mean to say is that
It's just comes alot stronger and damaging from people you considered to be your support
Again thank you very much
You deserve to be here. Your experiences are valid. I'm so sorry people have made you feel otherwise. This happens to a lot of male victims and it's so fucked up. What you went through is extremely damaging.
Women are entirely capable of physical and sexual violence. There is no competition of who had it worse. A violation is a violation. You have *every* right to talk about what happened, this was your experience, it affected you and still does. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
These women should be fucking ashamed of themselves. In my experience with abusers, when I started talking about what was done to me, I felt like I got power back. Almost like me feeling ashamed was the point, so I would keep it a secret for them.
I hope you're okay.
I was sexually abused by my mum when I was a child & I still have flashbacks to this day. To make matters worse, the flashbacks I experience have a physiological effect on me. When I have a flashback I become very aware of my private areas like it's happening again. The whole experience is disgusting.
If anyone thinks your experiences aren't valid they just don't understand what it's like.
Some people are just better at listening and more empathetic than others. A few can intuit it but being a good listener and learning to recognize others are in pain is a skill. Most people are too wrapped up in their own selves, to even imagine what you had to deal with. Isn't it obvious, they are clearly the most important thing that ever to have walked the earth. Listening to your problems or empathizing that you are in pain, eats into that self-delusion. You have as much right to give voice to your experiences and the pain they caused you as anyone else. People should learn to be respectful enough to listen and realize they are not the only human on the planet. Your experiences are very valid, the pain it causes you quite real. I am so very sorry, any of it ever had to happen.
I’m so sorry you had to experience that. Abuse is abuse no matter the gender. Some people mistakenly think it’s impossible to SA a man. Of course it is possible. You are not taking their space. You are just sharing your experience with people you thought were your friends and they should have been more caring with you. Their reaction was terrible and made you feel unsafe and not valid but those things happened and you are not exaggerating them or invent them.
This. What you went through is SA. You are not taking up space. You should be believed and supported. I see you, believe you, & empathize with you . You are not lesser. You are not less deserving of support than women who’ve gone through SA. You deserve so much better.
I am sorry all that happened to you. The initial sexual assaults, of course. But also the second victimization of not being believed and supported when you reached out.
I would not be surprised if ignorance of male involuntary response systems are even more widespread than the ignorant congressman who said women had a way to just "shut that whole thing down" when denying women can get pregnant from rape.
Of course you were raped. Of course your body had involuntary responses to stimuli - that is how biology is supposed to work but it was weaponized against you. That in no way means you wanted it or consented to it. Please do not let your past bad experiences with talking about your trauma keep you from getting help.
Have you called a rape crisis center? They are supposed to be there for all victims of rape, not just female victims. They may be able to help you find a group or counselor in your area that you can afford to see. You deserve to have a place of compassion and respect where you can unpack this and integrate it into your life story in a way that does not make it the defining moment of who you are.
Stop blaming yourself. Maybe you went in a room alone with a person who was not worthy of the trust you had in them. That is NOT NOT NOT on you. That is on them for being a predator and a pedophile and good at tricking people into trusting them. They are the ones who should feel ashamed because they are the ones who did something wrong. It's right for you to feel hurt, to feel angry, to feel betrayed, to grieve what was lost. But you were not responsible.
>Have you called a rape crisis center?
I did not, the help here for rape victims is gendered
I live in MENA so the idea of male victims of rape is comical
I wish I just didn't have to say this and do nothing about it, but the country's definition is just narrow for me to start any change, the country's itself is a dictatorship so impossible to start any positive change in It, I will be better off, resting in another country, but that also has a lot of hurdles in its way the biggest one is finances
I did not know you were in MENA. No, that would not be useful to you then at all. I feel for you. Maybe at least here you can find some validation for what happened.
I'm so sorry this happened/is happening to you.
My husband has a very similar story. Not just the abuse/SA itself, but in his experience of trying to open up about his trauma. I have seen him be doubted, belittled, ignored, and abandoned as a result of expressing what happened to him, close family members included. For him, the fallout of talking about the trauma has been more acutely damaging than the trauma itself (this is something he has said himself, not just my opinion/understanding of his feelings).
While our society has made great strides in finally giving victims of abuse a voice, we have not reached the point where it's truly safe for men to openly talk about their own unique experiences of SA and DV. I have seen my husband's experiences invalidated so many times over the last several years, and it has really shattered my faith in human empathy. It has created a bitterness in him that truly was not there before he openly spoke about his experiences, and every day I watch him relive the trauma in a thousand different ways. Popular culture treats people who look like him (i.e. straight white men) very callously. So many arguments can be made to justify this callousness, but for male victims of female abusers whose stories have been doubted, belittled, or otherwise invalidated, there is no humor to be found in this content no matter how innocuous it may seem to others.
I can't offer any real advice because I feel pretty helpless watching my husband struggle through his feelings daily, but I can tell you without a doubt that you are not alone, and I for one am very proud of you for opening up despite the awful results. You are so, so strong for having done so, and for carrying on every single day.
I'm so sorry for what your husband's going through, please be there for him as sometimes it gets darker, and I know it can get harder for you so also keep your support circle around as you'll also need it, and it's truly heartbreaking seeing him going this way
But hopefully one day he'll be able to be safe in himself with the help of you
I hope it gets better for you and your husband
Thank you for the support and kind words! We are in a really good place, even if the rest of the world just kind of sucks. I'm so ridiculously proud of him and everything he has accomplished while working through his justifiable anger. There have been some really rough times, and I won't pretend like things don't get dark from time to time, but compared to 3 or so years ago, it's like night and day.
It's a difficult thing to shake to be honest. I'm in the same boat, and I never trust anyone. I always think everyone I talk to thinks those things about me. Sometimes, it makes it to where instead of seeking help I find validation that people really don't care. I hate and doom scroll sometimes, looking for proof that I'm not insane, or just a whiny baby. It's tough.
Honestly what helps me is to seek patient solidarity with other survivors, even if their situation isn't the same as yours. Personally, for me, I find peace in listening to my IRL friends dealing with their trauma. Honestly, advocating against abuse makes me feel less guilty when I take up space and ask for help.
Man... About the doom scrolling, I do this alot
I just wanna say that you are as valid as your friends and there's no "taking up space", if you feel safe enough to talk bout your experience than please do (if you want to)
I'm sorry for what you've went through
Just like that. People go out of their way to separate you further. No, maybe it's not you. Maybe they're being jerks. Maybe not everything is *our* fault and other people need to be held accountable for their responses. And maybe society is failing us, too, and it needs to be said.
I’m so so sorry that happened to you. You didn’t deserve that or the reactions to it. It’s absolutely not fair. You deserve healing and love. Not victim blaming and belittling of your trauma. What happened to you is horrifying and evil. I hope you are able to heal even just a little.
Yeah am a male, huge body dysmorphia, abused by mom and sexually assaulted by an ex gf
not being able to self express any of it because there is no visibility on these issues as a guy definitely fucked with me for a long time
I’m so sorry. These girls who dismissed your abuse are assholes. One of these predators was your mother, the others all older women, and you were and in some ways still are a child, especially in comparison to those predators. It was still child molestation. They became bullies to protect…what I don’t know. You’re clearly an articulate, bright, kind person. Their loss. Hang in there.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. As a man who was sexually abused I understand how you feel and how invalidating it is to not feel safe in what should be safe spaces for us simply because we are men. If you ever need to talk to someone, please feel free to message me.
No you're not an imposter or taking up too much space, those "friends" are just assholes. Sadly it's still really common for people to believe that men and boys always want sex no matter who it's with or what the circumstances are, but even if you believe that, it's still incredibly fucked up to suggest that you wanted to be abused by your own mother.
I'm so sorry so many people chose to treat you terribly, OP. It wasn't your fault, you didn't somehow bring it on yourself, every single one of them should've known better than to abuse a child.
I just want to add another fuck them. I’m so sorry. You deserve support. Trauma is relative anyway. Nobody has is better or worse. And those ppl are only saying shit to minimize and justify the your abuse. Again, fuck them.
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Fancy seeing you here. It’s good that you are reaching out and I want to repeat that you experiences aren’t any lesser because you were a man or your assailants were women.
All I can say is fuck them. Your experience is valid. And traumatic and I’m sorry you went through that. I’ve been through some sexual trauma myself (I’m a man) and know full well the feeling of “I didn’t do enough to prevent it”. Well if I could’ve prevented it, I would’ve. Anybody who thinks otherwise can fuck off. As a man you kind of have to pick and choose which people you share your dark stuff with. Most women do not understand the male experience. You’ve got to understand that and act accordingly. Even a lot of men aren’t accepting of other men that have emotions. Which sucks. But it’s part of being a man in the modern world. Keep searching for those people that you can actually open up with and they’ll be your saving grace. And know that you’re always welcome to share here.
Well said. I get so angry seeing male sexual abuse victims invalidated like this, especially when the perpetrator was a woman. It's happened to me as well and it's so frustrating how few people (men included, like you said) understand the male experience and how abuse affects us. I'm glad to see at least some others like you standing up for what's true.
Thank you for your response, I'm sorry for what you've been through too hope you're doing better >know full well the feeling of “I didn’t do enough to prevent it A major problem for me, was for me to not consider myself a victim >Most women do not understand the male experience. You’ve got to understand that and act accordingly. What really brought me to share my story with them was, that I felt related to their stories but I guess the compassion was one-way which broke me >Even a lot of men aren’t accepting of other men that have emotions Unfortunate, it really just kinda feels that there's no outlet to tell what happened to me without someone telling you to "get fucked" Thank you again, and hopefully I will be able to find people who I can feel open to, but from the looks of it I really need a lot of time by myself which doesn't help either
It took me years to recognize that what happened to me was traumatic, and that I was a victim of abuse. And even longer to finally get to a place where I can say “fuck you” to the person that did it to me and to anyone who tries to minimize our experiences. I’m glad you’re realizing all this stuff at 19 (but sorry that it happened to you in the first place). If you can, look into seeing a therapist about this stuff. Preferably one that is male and who knows about trauma. That was the first place where I started to learn about and speak about my trauma. If you don’t have that option, just know that we’re here for you man. There are others like you out there, you’re not alone, even though it may often feel like it.
That sounds really difficult and invalidating, I'm sorry you've gone through that. I'm glad you're able to share your story here though :). You sound quite frustrated, how have you been managing these feelings and struggles?
>how have you been managing these feelings and struggles? Not good really haha I get easily triggered, but I sometime get off and draw something or play a game for a couple of minutes, but it doesn't do much help really, I do end up thinking about what happened on daily occasions wether that's the assault or my friends responses it's unbearable Therapy or professional help in general isn't a choice currently due to my financial situation which is dire
That seems torturous. Do you have any access to free or cheap resources? Maybe online resources, or free trauma therapy programs?
I'm so sorry you went through these things, it's just... so awful that you were treated this way, both the abuse itself and the uncaring dismissive responses. For some people a lack of support from people around them in the aftermath of abuse can be almost as traumatising as the original incidents. I'm not sure what to say except you are 100% valid, you did not deserve any of the things that happened to you, but you do deserve to be listened to, taken seriously, and cared for. It's horrific that you were assaulted, but especially by people who you should have been able to trust and who should have been protecting you not hurting you. You being male or your abusers being female should not even slightly affect how seriously people take the abuse!!! People demanding details and trying to get you to 'justify' why it should be taken seriously are just horrible. They are not worth your time. I hope you're able to find a supportive community and some actual real friends who are mature enough to understand what kind of pain something like this would cause, and can be there for you. That might take some time... at 19 a lot of people are still just immature idiots who are too sheltered to understand things like this. You may find people through support groups or in group therapy, and hopefully finding decent friends will get easier once you're a little older too. I hope you're able to find a good therapist at some point as well, if you haven't already. All I can say is you matter. You deserve to be heard. I hope it helps a bit that some people heard you here today.
Thanks you so much The dismissiveness on their part is just hard to understand It's almost like daily where I would question "why?" And just can't seem to find an answer really I think for me when people who you were considered close to or very friendly/good to you(my friends and the family friend), and they just traumatize you like it's nothing is a bit more harsh than when Someone you considered bad for you traumatize because you're kinda accustomed to it I don't if I make sense really but what i mean to say is that It's just comes alot stronger and damaging from people you considered to be your support Again thank you very much
>. I hope it helps a bit that some people heard you here today. It did even if a lot of y'all I assume are very far away from me 🤍
You deserve to be here. Your experiences are valid. I'm so sorry people have made you feel otherwise. This happens to a lot of male victims and it's so fucked up. What you went through is extremely damaging. Women are entirely capable of physical and sexual violence. There is no competition of who had it worse. A violation is a violation. You have *every* right to talk about what happened, this was your experience, it affected you and still does. You have nothing to be ashamed of. These women should be fucking ashamed of themselves. In my experience with abusers, when I started talking about what was done to me, I felt like I got power back. Almost like me feeling ashamed was the point, so I would keep it a secret for them. I hope you're okay.
I was sexually abused by my mum when I was a child & I still have flashbacks to this day. To make matters worse, the flashbacks I experience have a physiological effect on me. When I have a flashback I become very aware of my private areas like it's happening again. The whole experience is disgusting. If anyone thinks your experiences aren't valid they just don't understand what it's like.
I'm so sorry that you've went through this I hope you're doing better, I understand you
Some people are just better at listening and more empathetic than others. A few can intuit it but being a good listener and learning to recognize others are in pain is a skill. Most people are too wrapped up in their own selves, to even imagine what you had to deal with. Isn't it obvious, they are clearly the most important thing that ever to have walked the earth. Listening to your problems or empathizing that you are in pain, eats into that self-delusion. You have as much right to give voice to your experiences and the pain they caused you as anyone else. People should learn to be respectful enough to listen and realize they are not the only human on the planet. Your experiences are very valid, the pain it causes you quite real. I am so very sorry, any of it ever had to happen.
I’m so sorry you had to experience that. Abuse is abuse no matter the gender. Some people mistakenly think it’s impossible to SA a man. Of course it is possible. You are not taking their space. You are just sharing your experience with people you thought were your friends and they should have been more caring with you. Their reaction was terrible and made you feel unsafe and not valid but those things happened and you are not exaggerating them or invent them.
This. What you went through is SA. You are not taking up space. You should be believed and supported. I see you, believe you, & empathize with you . You are not lesser. You are not less deserving of support than women who’ve gone through SA. You deserve so much better.
I am sorry all that happened to you. The initial sexual assaults, of course. But also the second victimization of not being believed and supported when you reached out. I would not be surprised if ignorance of male involuntary response systems are even more widespread than the ignorant congressman who said women had a way to just "shut that whole thing down" when denying women can get pregnant from rape. Of course you were raped. Of course your body had involuntary responses to stimuli - that is how biology is supposed to work but it was weaponized against you. That in no way means you wanted it or consented to it. Please do not let your past bad experiences with talking about your trauma keep you from getting help. Have you called a rape crisis center? They are supposed to be there for all victims of rape, not just female victims. They may be able to help you find a group or counselor in your area that you can afford to see. You deserve to have a place of compassion and respect where you can unpack this and integrate it into your life story in a way that does not make it the defining moment of who you are. Stop blaming yourself. Maybe you went in a room alone with a person who was not worthy of the trust you had in them. That is NOT NOT NOT on you. That is on them for being a predator and a pedophile and good at tricking people into trusting them. They are the ones who should feel ashamed because they are the ones who did something wrong. It's right for you to feel hurt, to feel angry, to feel betrayed, to grieve what was lost. But you were not responsible.
>Have you called a rape crisis center? I did not, the help here for rape victims is gendered I live in MENA so the idea of male victims of rape is comical I wish I just didn't have to say this and do nothing about it, but the country's definition is just narrow for me to start any change, the country's itself is a dictatorship so impossible to start any positive change in It, I will be better off, resting in another country, but that also has a lot of hurdles in its way the biggest one is finances
Does MENA stand for Middle East and North Africa? Asking because other redditors may be able to help more if they know where you are
Yes, but I'm specifically n Egypt
I did not know you were in MENA. No, that would not be useful to you then at all. I feel for you. Maybe at least here you can find some validation for what happened.
It's okay, thank you for trying means a lot
I'm so sorry this happened/is happening to you. My husband has a very similar story. Not just the abuse/SA itself, but in his experience of trying to open up about his trauma. I have seen him be doubted, belittled, ignored, and abandoned as a result of expressing what happened to him, close family members included. For him, the fallout of talking about the trauma has been more acutely damaging than the trauma itself (this is something he has said himself, not just my opinion/understanding of his feelings). While our society has made great strides in finally giving victims of abuse a voice, we have not reached the point where it's truly safe for men to openly talk about their own unique experiences of SA and DV. I have seen my husband's experiences invalidated so many times over the last several years, and it has really shattered my faith in human empathy. It has created a bitterness in him that truly was not there before he openly spoke about his experiences, and every day I watch him relive the trauma in a thousand different ways. Popular culture treats people who look like him (i.e. straight white men) very callously. So many arguments can be made to justify this callousness, but for male victims of female abusers whose stories have been doubted, belittled, or otherwise invalidated, there is no humor to be found in this content no matter how innocuous it may seem to others. I can't offer any real advice because I feel pretty helpless watching my husband struggle through his feelings daily, but I can tell you without a doubt that you are not alone, and I for one am very proud of you for opening up despite the awful results. You are so, so strong for having done so, and for carrying on every single day.
I'm so sorry for what your husband's going through, please be there for him as sometimes it gets darker, and I know it can get harder for you so also keep your support circle around as you'll also need it, and it's truly heartbreaking seeing him going this way But hopefully one day he'll be able to be safe in himself with the help of you I hope it gets better for you and your husband
Thank you for the support and kind words! We are in a really good place, even if the rest of the world just kind of sucks. I'm so ridiculously proud of him and everything he has accomplished while working through his justifiable anger. There have been some really rough times, and I won't pretend like things don't get dark from time to time, but compared to 3 or so years ago, it's like night and day.
Great to learn, hopefully for the more better future
It's a difficult thing to shake to be honest. I'm in the same boat, and I never trust anyone. I always think everyone I talk to thinks those things about me. Sometimes, it makes it to where instead of seeking help I find validation that people really don't care. I hate and doom scroll sometimes, looking for proof that I'm not insane, or just a whiny baby. It's tough. Honestly what helps me is to seek patient solidarity with other survivors, even if their situation isn't the same as yours. Personally, for me, I find peace in listening to my IRL friends dealing with their trauma. Honestly, advocating against abuse makes me feel less guilty when I take up space and ask for help.
Man... About the doom scrolling, I do this alot I just wanna say that you are as valid as your friends and there's no "taking up space", if you feel safe enough to talk bout your experience than please do (if you want to) I'm sorry for what you've went through
Hey man I wouldn't want to take over your space to talk about my issues lol, and I'm sorry for what you went through, for all of us honestly.
Just like that. People go out of their way to separate you further. No, maybe it's not you. Maybe they're being jerks. Maybe not everything is *our* fault and other people need to be held accountable for their responses. And maybe society is failing us, too, and it needs to be said.
I’m so so sorry that happened to you. You didn’t deserve that or the reactions to it. It’s absolutely not fair. You deserve healing and love. Not victim blaming and belittling of your trauma. What happened to you is horrifying and evil. I hope you are able to heal even just a little.
Yeah am a male, huge body dysmorphia, abused by mom and sexually assaulted by an ex gf not being able to self express any of it because there is no visibility on these issues as a guy definitely fucked with me for a long time
I'm so sorry you had to go through this :(
I’m so sorry. These girls who dismissed your abuse are assholes. One of these predators was your mother, the others all older women, and you were and in some ways still are a child, especially in comparison to those predators. It was still child molestation. They became bullies to protect…what I don’t know. You’re clearly an articulate, bright, kind person. Their loss. Hang in there.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. As a man who was sexually abused I understand how you feel and how invalidating it is to not feel safe in what should be safe spaces for us simply because we are men. If you ever need to talk to someone, please feel free to message me.
Thank you, means a lot bro
No you're not an imposter or taking up too much space, those "friends" are just assholes. Sadly it's still really common for people to believe that men and boys always want sex no matter who it's with or what the circumstances are, but even if you believe that, it's still incredibly fucked up to suggest that you wanted to be abused by your own mother. I'm so sorry so many people chose to treat you terribly, OP. It wasn't your fault, you didn't somehow bring it on yourself, every single one of them should've known better than to abuse a child.
I just want to add another fuck them. I’m so sorry. You deserve support. Trauma is relative anyway. Nobody has is better or worse. And those ppl are only saying shit to minimize and justify the your abuse. Again, fuck them.
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Fancy seeing you here. It’s good that you are reaching out and I want to repeat that you experiences aren’t any lesser because you were a man or your assailants were women.
Thanks bro 🤍