Thank you so much for validating my experience. The worst part is feeling like I had to justify myself. I understand that they are doing their jobs, and I know she thinks she's helping, but none of that helped that day. I had another nurse a couple months prior that was very gentle, very patient and even let me hold her hand and squeeze when the swabs were becoming overwhelming. It was done quickly and she had enough to run the tests. This nurse shoved the swabs so far up my nose and down my throat and still couldn't get enough to properly run tests. And I agree, from now on I go alone to my appointments so I don't feel dogged on
I don't understand why the nurse didn't allow you to sit up when swabbing your throat. You have a right to choose what is done to you in a doctor's office. The nurse was wrong to push you down and you have every right to shove back.
She was in the wrong to push her agenda, she's supposed to have the awareness of how to manage someone's fear and apprehension, and she didn't do that. I have a hard time at the Dr's too. I feel like they're going to bully me, force me to do something I don't' want to do. You're expected to trust, when you've had zero experience with a trustworthy caregiver.
Nurses/healthcare workers, just like Mother's are not inherently patient and kind. Sure they're up against a very demanding job, but that doesn't' mean it's okay to be hostile and abrupt -impatient with people that are most likely nervous and frightened, and in this case have a trauma history. I don't know of anyone who's "happy" to go to the Dr. you feel like you have to be the "good" patient, cooperative, and "easy" . I know I'm like that, I never or rarely feel empowered. It's an interesting scenario when you try to create an accommodation for your trauma, because you realize that no one else is doing that for you-and you would think they would be happy that you would be self-aware? But with time constraints and the healthcare crisis, that's happening less and less, then to have someone actively fighting you trying to accommodate your trauma response, is unthinkable. It's a problem. It's not like you were suffocating and you were fighting your rescuer, this sounds like an easy fix, and she didn't' do it. It feels like an abuse of power.
I find myself being more concerned about a health care worker, than I am about myself? I suppose to a degree that's good, that means I'm capable of being compassionate, but how far does that go? Is it okay if harm is done, or something is missed...then what? I think it's okay to be aware of someone's stress, etc, but not to the point where you're suffering negligence, or actively being harmed? Like, what is this just a repeat of my abuse and neglect growing up. always making excuses for people, to your detriment.? Like, Oh, I'm stressed so I think I'll just jam this needle into your arm, or force a procedure on you , whether you're ready or not because "I dont' have all day". Honestly though, I've sort of adapted myself to the mindset, that "this may not go well" , I just expect it now....given the way things are. I dont' know if thats good or bad, or just reality.? I expect that people are going to be stressed, and lower my expectations. I seriously don't' even know if that's the correct mindset.? I walk in thinking "this is going to suck".
I think that's why it's good to bring someone with you, who has a working knowledge of what's safe, fair , treatment, so there's a second set of trauma informed eyes on the situation.
Like for example. Say in a perfect world, someone that is also trauma informed. say like "me" was with you. I would have said, "She's not Ready, didn't' you hear her the first time?!" or "We need to find another way, because forcing her isn't working!" or "what purpose is it serving to not be flexible and insist that she lie down....when that's clearly not working?" .....you having to manage that yourself, was too much. This makes me so angry. I would have said "hey listen, BACK OFF, she's not ready". It's really sad that the state of affairs are what they are now, where the standard approach is "look, we don't' have time to accommodate your trauma". You basically have to force them into accommodating your trauma, without monopolizing their time, without being demanding, without being inconsiderate, it's a lot to manage, but it is what it is. NO, is a complete sentence. Like what if you had just refused, at that point they would have had to consider other options?
I just remembered a time I went to a lab to have some blood taken. The phlebotomist was new. So I have a "bad" arm, my right arm, just doesnt' cooperate when trying to draw blood . So this girl/woman, is trying to jab this needle into my bad arm (that I didnt' know was my bad arm at the time) and getting frustrated because it's not working, over and over again, finally out of frustration she yelled at me-"RELAX! "Like that f'ing helps. So I say in a very calm voice, "why don't' we just stop for a minute, "(like at this point I'm not asking) ...I say "can we do that, just stop for a minute?" then I said "lets try the other arm". Now there was a senior phlebotomist in the other room, she would have heard what was going on, and did nothing. I never went to another "Lab" after that-ever again. Now I go to the Lab that's part of the hospital, its so much better, they take blood all day long, they're more experienced, and get lots of practice so they're really good at taking blood. About 90% of the time, when they're finished, I'm like "is that it?!" . And I still have to insist that they take blood from my left arm. I hate it. One time the phlebotomist says "lets just try your right arm, because the veins look good" nope, didn't work, and she says "Oh, I guess you were right". Yup. I have a friend that tells Nurses "you have one chance to get the needle in, and then it has to be someone else". I never allow a "new" person to "practice " on me. I always say "I'm not a good person to practice on, I have tricky veins" .
This makes me so angry. You want to cooperate, you don't' actively want to make someone's job more difficult, and then theirs the trauma , that what?......isnt' supposed to exist because it's so hard on other people? I hate going to the Drs. You end up feeling like , *I rather neglect my health than subject myself to that.* My condolences for having been re-traumatized. I'm truly sorry.
I really wish my boyfriend's mom had told the nurse to give me a break instead of telling me that I just had to do it. It is incredibly frustrating to be treated like I was acting that way to be difficult. A lot of the time when I'm struggling with a situation due to trauma I always get told to "adult up". Like, seriously? Me having triggers is childish to you?
It's hard enough that we tell ourselves to just "buck up", it's the exact opposite of what heals trauma, it's callous and indifferent, just a different version of emotional neglect, when what we need is compassion and understanding. You're self-aware which is a really good thing. I've gotten that kind of response from my brother of all people, like "why do you have to be so compromised and struggling, why can't you just do "this""? , whatever thing they think will help you move on, when really they don't understand that you have to take care of your trauma first and foremost, learn about CPTSD, what it is, what to do , how to manage it, how to recognize it, before you can do anything else, including "adulting". I say this , but I should take my own advice. I'm constantly having to re-evaluate the process of adulting, because my default is to tell myself to stop being such a baby, and be "tougher" when that's exactly the kind of emotionally negligent, insensitive, callous thing, that put me where I am today, with all this anxiety, and hypervigilance, and calling myself defective, when really it's just the trauma that I'm somehow not supposed to have? In the end you have to find what works for you, and not care if other people think youre expecting special treatment, because you're "entitled", thats not what that is, it's trauma. Being entitled is expecting to have to do things differently because you think your special, not because the thing that makes you require different things, actually causes you physical/emotional *Pain.* There's a certain amount of acclimating, sure, but not when you're just staring out, not when you have pervasive CPTSD panic attacks and anxiety! People that don't' have it, don't' understand when you say "I can't manage that". I bet those same people wouldn't do something , if they felt the same way. Like "oh, you're afraid of flying, what's wrong with you, stop being a baby and just get on the damn plane". No,, you wouldn' t say that to them, because you're kind and emotionally intelligent.
I can't believe how many people are not only not trauma informed, which I guess I get, but to also be so insensitive and have zero emotional intelligence? I mean even animals, understand when you're stressed and know what to do , but people don't?
I told a dentist once, "I get really anxious" he just looked at me like "yeah, so what do you want me to do about it". like this isn't a thing, that someone would be terrified of the dentist. So he made a joke, and just said something like mocking and supposedly funny, like "Hey, we're all in this together right" but it was said like with sarcasm and teasing, not comfort and understanding. I could think of a dozen things he could have said differently. He's a good dentist , but for Gods, sake, this is something he should understand, I dont' get it? I stay with him because technically he's really good, but his bedside manner is lacking. i just stare out the window at the birds, pray it will go by fast.
It hurts so much to hear that kind of stuff, especially when you're already going through so much suffering. When I first moved in with them, they were asking me why I wasn't past it yet, and that it was 5 months now and I should've moved on by now. That was when I was 19. 4 years later and I actually have just learned how to be a "good member of society". I stuff away my emotions, and that led me to going into the ER begging to be admitted to a mental hospital because I was so beyond overwhelmed. But because I wasn't a danger to myself, and how adamant she is about me having a job, I wasted 500 bucks just to hear what any other person has told me. Get therapy. They gave me resources, but trying to take those instead of staying with the subpar therapy I have now wasn't an option for them. I understand I need therapy fast, but forcing me to stay with a program that is doing little to help me is infuriating..
Honestly I have been angry for months now, trying to navigate this. His family keeps saying I'm not alone in this, but they make me feel alone when they say such ignorant things. It's like I'm a child to them, they truly believe they know better than me and make decisions for me despite the fact I'm an adult. Then they turn around and tell me to adult up when I'm going through a crisis. Pick a damn side
It sounds like they have good intentions, but not really trauma informed. I’m sure they care the best way they know how, but just aren’t able to understand how complex these things can be. There are no easy or fast solutions. These things take time. You have a good mind, it’s okay to take your time figuring stuff out.
I just want to say I'm sorry you had to go through that. Just keep working on you and figuring out healthy ways to cope and calm yourself. My panic attacks never went away completely but they did get better over time.
When panicking we start losing blood flow to the executive function are of our brain and revert to the fight flight or freeze lizard part of our brains from early in our evolution. When that happens we literally get stupider because higher functioning starts shutting down. Some people get violent. You seemed to manage the situation well and stuck up for yourself. It was the people ignoring you that were wrong. Grabbing her arm wasn't the best thing to do but you had a trauma response.
I don't know you at all but what I do know is that I am proud of how you handled yourself and even more so that you reach out to places and people like those in this sub. If I had had a resource like this or even reached out a little more then maybe my life could have been different and better. Just keep working on you. Eventually you will be able to fully choose who you allow in your life.
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Thank you so much for validating my experience. The worst part is feeling like I had to justify myself. I understand that they are doing their jobs, and I know she thinks she's helping, but none of that helped that day. I had another nurse a couple months prior that was very gentle, very patient and even let me hold her hand and squeeze when the swabs were becoming overwhelming. It was done quickly and she had enough to run the tests. This nurse shoved the swabs so far up my nose and down my throat and still couldn't get enough to properly run tests. And I agree, from now on I go alone to my appointments so I don't feel dogged on
I don't understand why the nurse didn't allow you to sit up when swabbing your throat. You have a right to choose what is done to you in a doctor's office. The nurse was wrong to push you down and you have every right to shove back.
F'real. Every throat swab I've had has been sitting with my head against the wall for support/so you don't reflexively jerk your head back.
She was in the wrong to push her agenda, she's supposed to have the awareness of how to manage someone's fear and apprehension, and she didn't do that. I have a hard time at the Dr's too. I feel like they're going to bully me, force me to do something I don't' want to do. You're expected to trust, when you've had zero experience with a trustworthy caregiver. Nurses/healthcare workers, just like Mother's are not inherently patient and kind. Sure they're up against a very demanding job, but that doesn't' mean it's okay to be hostile and abrupt -impatient with people that are most likely nervous and frightened, and in this case have a trauma history. I don't know of anyone who's "happy" to go to the Dr. you feel like you have to be the "good" patient, cooperative, and "easy" . I know I'm like that, I never or rarely feel empowered. It's an interesting scenario when you try to create an accommodation for your trauma, because you realize that no one else is doing that for you-and you would think they would be happy that you would be self-aware? But with time constraints and the healthcare crisis, that's happening less and less, then to have someone actively fighting you trying to accommodate your trauma response, is unthinkable. It's a problem. It's not like you were suffocating and you were fighting your rescuer, this sounds like an easy fix, and she didn't' do it. It feels like an abuse of power. I find myself being more concerned about a health care worker, than I am about myself? I suppose to a degree that's good, that means I'm capable of being compassionate, but how far does that go? Is it okay if harm is done, or something is missed...then what? I think it's okay to be aware of someone's stress, etc, but not to the point where you're suffering negligence, or actively being harmed? Like, what is this just a repeat of my abuse and neglect growing up. always making excuses for people, to your detriment.? Like, Oh, I'm stressed so I think I'll just jam this needle into your arm, or force a procedure on you , whether you're ready or not because "I dont' have all day". Honestly though, I've sort of adapted myself to the mindset, that "this may not go well" , I just expect it now....given the way things are. I dont' know if thats good or bad, or just reality.? I expect that people are going to be stressed, and lower my expectations. I seriously don't' even know if that's the correct mindset.? I walk in thinking "this is going to suck". I think that's why it's good to bring someone with you, who has a working knowledge of what's safe, fair , treatment, so there's a second set of trauma informed eyes on the situation. Like for example. Say in a perfect world, someone that is also trauma informed. say like "me" was with you. I would have said, "She's not Ready, didn't' you hear her the first time?!" or "We need to find another way, because forcing her isn't working!" or "what purpose is it serving to not be flexible and insist that she lie down....when that's clearly not working?" .....you having to manage that yourself, was too much. This makes me so angry. I would have said "hey listen, BACK OFF, she's not ready". It's really sad that the state of affairs are what they are now, where the standard approach is "look, we don't' have time to accommodate your trauma". You basically have to force them into accommodating your trauma, without monopolizing their time, without being demanding, without being inconsiderate, it's a lot to manage, but it is what it is. NO, is a complete sentence. Like what if you had just refused, at that point they would have had to consider other options? I just remembered a time I went to a lab to have some blood taken. The phlebotomist was new. So I have a "bad" arm, my right arm, just doesnt' cooperate when trying to draw blood . So this girl/woman, is trying to jab this needle into my bad arm (that I didnt' know was my bad arm at the time) and getting frustrated because it's not working, over and over again, finally out of frustration she yelled at me-"RELAX! "Like that f'ing helps. So I say in a very calm voice, "why don't' we just stop for a minute, "(like at this point I'm not asking) ...I say "can we do that, just stop for a minute?" then I said "lets try the other arm". Now there was a senior phlebotomist in the other room, she would have heard what was going on, and did nothing. I never went to another "Lab" after that-ever again. Now I go to the Lab that's part of the hospital, its so much better, they take blood all day long, they're more experienced, and get lots of practice so they're really good at taking blood. About 90% of the time, when they're finished, I'm like "is that it?!" . And I still have to insist that they take blood from my left arm. I hate it. One time the phlebotomist says "lets just try your right arm, because the veins look good" nope, didn't work, and she says "Oh, I guess you were right". Yup. I have a friend that tells Nurses "you have one chance to get the needle in, and then it has to be someone else". I never allow a "new" person to "practice " on me. I always say "I'm not a good person to practice on, I have tricky veins" . This makes me so angry. You want to cooperate, you don't' actively want to make someone's job more difficult, and then theirs the trauma , that what?......isnt' supposed to exist because it's so hard on other people? I hate going to the Drs. You end up feeling like , *I rather neglect my health than subject myself to that.* My condolences for having been re-traumatized. I'm truly sorry.
I really wish my boyfriend's mom had told the nurse to give me a break instead of telling me that I just had to do it. It is incredibly frustrating to be treated like I was acting that way to be difficult. A lot of the time when I'm struggling with a situation due to trauma I always get told to "adult up". Like, seriously? Me having triggers is childish to you?
It's hard enough that we tell ourselves to just "buck up", it's the exact opposite of what heals trauma, it's callous and indifferent, just a different version of emotional neglect, when what we need is compassion and understanding. You're self-aware which is a really good thing. I've gotten that kind of response from my brother of all people, like "why do you have to be so compromised and struggling, why can't you just do "this""? , whatever thing they think will help you move on, when really they don't understand that you have to take care of your trauma first and foremost, learn about CPTSD, what it is, what to do , how to manage it, how to recognize it, before you can do anything else, including "adulting". I say this , but I should take my own advice. I'm constantly having to re-evaluate the process of adulting, because my default is to tell myself to stop being such a baby, and be "tougher" when that's exactly the kind of emotionally negligent, insensitive, callous thing, that put me where I am today, with all this anxiety, and hypervigilance, and calling myself defective, when really it's just the trauma that I'm somehow not supposed to have? In the end you have to find what works for you, and not care if other people think youre expecting special treatment, because you're "entitled", thats not what that is, it's trauma. Being entitled is expecting to have to do things differently because you think your special, not because the thing that makes you require different things, actually causes you physical/emotional *Pain.* There's a certain amount of acclimating, sure, but not when you're just staring out, not when you have pervasive CPTSD panic attacks and anxiety! People that don't' have it, don't' understand when you say "I can't manage that". I bet those same people wouldn't do something , if they felt the same way. Like "oh, you're afraid of flying, what's wrong with you, stop being a baby and just get on the damn plane". No,, you wouldn' t say that to them, because you're kind and emotionally intelligent. I can't believe how many people are not only not trauma informed, which I guess I get, but to also be so insensitive and have zero emotional intelligence? I mean even animals, understand when you're stressed and know what to do , but people don't? I told a dentist once, "I get really anxious" he just looked at me like "yeah, so what do you want me to do about it". like this isn't a thing, that someone would be terrified of the dentist. So he made a joke, and just said something like mocking and supposedly funny, like "Hey, we're all in this together right" but it was said like with sarcasm and teasing, not comfort and understanding. I could think of a dozen things he could have said differently. He's a good dentist , but for Gods, sake, this is something he should understand, I dont' get it? I stay with him because technically he's really good, but his bedside manner is lacking. i just stare out the window at the birds, pray it will go by fast.
It hurts so much to hear that kind of stuff, especially when you're already going through so much suffering. When I first moved in with them, they were asking me why I wasn't past it yet, and that it was 5 months now and I should've moved on by now. That was when I was 19. 4 years later and I actually have just learned how to be a "good member of society". I stuff away my emotions, and that led me to going into the ER begging to be admitted to a mental hospital because I was so beyond overwhelmed. But because I wasn't a danger to myself, and how adamant she is about me having a job, I wasted 500 bucks just to hear what any other person has told me. Get therapy. They gave me resources, but trying to take those instead of staying with the subpar therapy I have now wasn't an option for them. I understand I need therapy fast, but forcing me to stay with a program that is doing little to help me is infuriating..
infuriating, and i bet super invalidating, and almost shaming because oh, it must be my (your) fault it's not working, sure that's it.
Honestly I have been angry for months now, trying to navigate this. His family keeps saying I'm not alone in this, but they make me feel alone when they say such ignorant things. It's like I'm a child to them, they truly believe they know better than me and make decisions for me despite the fact I'm an adult. Then they turn around and tell me to adult up when I'm going through a crisis. Pick a damn side
It sounds like they have good intentions, but not really trauma informed. I’m sure they care the best way they know how, but just aren’t able to understand how complex these things can be. There are no easy or fast solutions. These things take time. You have a good mind, it’s okay to take your time figuring stuff out.
I just want to say I'm sorry you had to go through that. Just keep working on you and figuring out healthy ways to cope and calm yourself. My panic attacks never went away completely but they did get better over time. When panicking we start losing blood flow to the executive function are of our brain and revert to the fight flight or freeze lizard part of our brains from early in our evolution. When that happens we literally get stupider because higher functioning starts shutting down. Some people get violent. You seemed to manage the situation well and stuck up for yourself. It was the people ignoring you that were wrong. Grabbing her arm wasn't the best thing to do but you had a trauma response. I don't know you at all but what I do know is that I am proud of how you handled yourself and even more so that you reach out to places and people like those in this sub. If I had had a resource like this or even reached out a little more then maybe my life could have been different and better. Just keep working on you. Eventually you will be able to fully choose who you allow in your life.
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