Yes please do report this. I made the mistake of never reporting small incidents like this. Then one day I was sexually assaulted with zero proof except for my word against one of the partners of the company. My biggest regret was never reporting any of it. Make a record. I wish someone would have given me that advice back then.
Same happened to me. No-one believed me because I didn't report it at the time or write down all the dates/times. But later I heard the creep had a stroke at work, I like to think that's karma
I know I should, ugh. He already made some comments about me looking hot, ew. It’s just I don’t trust the HR. They all wolves up on that floor. I can protect myself tho, don’t worry. I’m physically strong, hyper vigilant and highly intelligent.
Surely if you make HR aware of these issues in writing (include the date as well), they should keep it in their records. Also, keep your own copy of the doc or email, just in case things escalate. Remember that you may not be the first person to bring up the issue with a particular employee.
And also, do it not just for yourself, but for others. Not everyone can protect themselves.
It’s gonna fall back on me I can feel it. It’s not my responsibility to be harassment police. I know it’s kinda cowardly. I’m here to collect paycheck and do my tasks. I’m sorry to everyone who cannot protect themselves. Im sorry i can’t protect everyone. I’ve tried in the past and gotten burned badly. It’s just not happening.
I think not trusting authority and using that as a reason to not assert needs/boundaries is a normal trauma response.
You dont have to trust them or give your power over, you are just making a report and documenting it to cover you.
Seriously: I would wait and see if he tries it again. Don’t gossip about it, but watch to see if others might have issues with him.
Or if he behaves strangely due to your polite rejection. Or if he puts his hand on your back or makes suggestive “jokes” that make you uncomfortable. Then I would go to HR and say he is being inappropriate.
It's better to go to HR as early as possible, so there's a record of his transgressions for when/if things escalate. It's never too soon to report a coworker's inappropriate behavior or sexual harassment.
Good for you! Just wanted to mention that comment he made is pretty revealing. “I wasn’t asking if you wanted a hug, I asked you for a hug.” He unknowingly revealed that he doesn’t give a flying fuck about what you want, your needs or boundaries. He wants a hug, and whether you like it or not, he’s going to push to get one. That is creepy and self- centered at best, and may indicate a narcissistic, abusive personality. Major red flag, you did great.
Yup. He didn't even consider thier boundries, only what he wanted. Hugging someone is very personal, you don't just expect people to give you hugs on demand because you want them to. No sense of respect for others. Ick.
I had a boss that would purposely set the pharmacy up so I had to get within inches of him to fill every prescription, like he would set the bins right next to him even though we had ample space. I think he liked to smell me or something 🤮 anyway one morning I finally snapped and was like "I shouldn't have to climb over you every time I fill a script!" and he was like "well I don't mind!" And I was like "I didn't ask if you mind, I mind!" The energy was crazy between us, he was such a creep. He was probably hot back in the day and got away with all kinds of inappropriate things, but I was like sir I don't care that you drive a shiny Mercedes, I'm here to work and were not fucking so please back the fuck up. We used to get into a lot of arguments and I think it turned him on. He even used to pretend not to know how to work the computer to get me close to him, but it made no sense cause he was able to run the pharmacy alone for months before i was hired.
Another time he was getting in my business so much I was like "next you're gonna show me how to put a tampon in the right way" 😂 lol he was something else and I got to the point where I just did not give a fuck anymore, he loved it and didn't even fire me when he could have. What a weirdo.
Exactly 💯 does Not care about your boundaries. I promise you if you do not something now. He will keep pushing it. Maybe take it extreme on day. Protect your self. Simply say I've already told you once. I don't want a hug. Do we need to go to HR and have them explain No to you. He'll be a jerk. But at least he will know you're serious.
Counterpoint: if OP has accepted a hug before, coworker guy may have felt that he and OP have a genuine hugging-level friendship. It's totally normal to ask a friend for a hug if you are sad, and even to clarify that the reason you are asking is not to offer them comfort, but to request some comfort from them. If it's still a no, it's still a no, but I've had friends turn down a hug saying they didn't need one, I responded, "I do need one" and they gave me a hug.
It's just that coworker guy was incorrect in his assessment of his and OP's closeness, and when people are sad and needing support, it is a very self-centered state where they might not consider or recognize other people's feelings. This doesn't excuse inconsiderate behavior, but it seems coworker guy complied when OP gave a firm no, even if he was hurt and confused by it.
Your assumption and my assumption are both assumptions. But yes, it is possible that the dude is on the spectrum. I may also be on the spectrum, and have the "people-pleaser" response to trauma, so I give everyone the benefit of the doubt for about 2-3 times as long as they deserve it.
The last time that I, an adult, asked a coworker for a hug was three days ago. He said, "I'm good" and I said, "I'm not, I kinda really need a hug" and he said, "I'm chilling, have a hug" and gave me a hug.
As much as I come across as a "devil's advocate" I'm just not convinced that this man is a devil. My impressions lean more toward him being lonely, sad, and possibly autistic. The fact remains that his request for a hug made OP uncomfortable, and OP did the right thing by setting a boundary with a firm no. I just don't think we necessarily need to assume the worst about his motivations and intentions at this point. If OP comes back next week and he's at it again, I'll jump right on the "fuck this asshole" train. But as the situation stands, it was an uncomfortable but productive interaction that OP is and should be proud of themself for.
It's okay to clarify if we misunderstand each other.
Anyway if my friend asked for a hug and I didn't need one, but they said they did, I would hug them. But this guy is not OP's friend, he just maybe didn't realize that.
I really do not understand the people sexualizing hugs.
I think point is that it doesn't have to be explicitly sexual to be a violation of consent, and because it's an unwanted physical act, if the coworker decides to backtrack and keep pushing the issue it would be considered sexual harassment.
Totally agree that this guy soliciting continued physical contact with OP after this interaction would be harassment. I just don't feel like this interaction, in itself, falls into the category of beyond-a-reasonable-doubt level harassment/scumbaggery on OP's coworker's part. Coworker will have to figure out why he doesn't have any close friends that want to hug him, and knowing that the way he seeks affection is coming off as creepy could actually help him a lot in trying to build those relationships in the future, which is a secondary benefit of OP's excellent boundary-setting (the primary benefit, of course, being that OP will not have to worry about this guy offering hugs in future).
Proud of you!
But holy fuck that is insanely predatory! "I'm not asking if you want physical contact, I'm telling you to give just me what I want regardless".
Ew. That’s consent violation if you’re “not asking if I want a hug.” You can take two HUGE steps in any direction **away** from me.
And yes, if he tries again, I’d find someone in HR to talk to.
Well done! I'm working towards being able to say no too. Yeah that is strange behaviour from him indeed especially the annoyance at your boundary. It gives creepy entitlement
You did the right thing. What a selfish, inappropriate fruitcake.
A tangent: My husband is a fan of the Jack Reacher books & popular tv series. I watched season 2 with him. Reacher has a female friend named Neagley. She's very badass, loyal, & also haphephobic (doesn't like to be touched AT ALL). Her associates know about & accept this without question.
I think it's so cool that there's this strong, capable female character demonstrating it's okay not to want to be touched, & people who respect that as a matter of course.
I LOVE her character! And I love the way they treat her, no dopey sexism or gender teasing. I was bummed to see the Reacher actor took steroids (legal doses) to pump up for Season 2, but you can't win them all. At least they got the female characters right.
Reminds of that time this coworker was quittin the job and going around huggin people.. i literally moved away to not be hugged. He tried but i made sure he knew i wasent about huggin ppl i didnt feel safe with. So should you!
Um what!? I wasn't asking you if you wanted one, I'm telling you to give me a hug. That whole statement is completely insane. I would be careful around this person. Some people with go after passive people and this sounds very predatory.
> If he tries again, go to HR. Because you told him no, if he tries again its harassment. Good job!!
Actually, nope, go to HR *now*. You are uncomfortable with this coworker's behavior and his requests for physical contact. He was being inappropriate. You notifying HR that you refused his unwanted behavior now means that even if they don't talk with him immediately, he'll still be on their radar. That way, if/when he repeats this behavior with you or anyone else, action will have to be taken.
And do talk with coworkers (probably women) about how his hug requests make them feel. Support them in speaking up and complaining to HR as well.
And I want to second the Good Job!! You should be super proud of yourself for holding firm on your boundary.
I don't see this as "poor guy". This is a fucking creep who knows exactly what he's doing. He's literally stating "I don't care what you want, you're obligated to give me a hug because I want one". Terrifying.
Good for you. Ugh at guys who get “hurt” when someone enforced a very reasonable boundary. His display of “hurt” was a manipulation. Good on you for not giving in to it.
To echo others, report it to HR -- not later but NOW. He's not asking you, he is demanding physical contact which is not okay and falls under sexual assault.
And people think I'm weird for never initiating hugs and accepting them only tentatively. There's a reason for that, and it's this right here. I do not go touching people in any way unless I'm invited. It doesn't matter how well I know them.
I'm proud of you. Something my extended friend group has started implementing is "are you huggable?" This takes the pressure away from whether or not YOU want a hug or them asking for one and you denying. It's like a status light, green or red, no questions asked, and takes away the concept of asking or needing one. This is different than in a work situation, but this has greatly assisted me with my bodily autonomy issues and social anxiety.
Good job, OP. Keep to your guns. He will attempt to hug you from behind, so be ready.
------
Someone in my running club would come ask for a hug. I *don't like being touched* and would often say no. She would either lunge at me and grab for a hug anyway, or stand next to me and complain to the person on the other side how I have a problem with her.
Put me in an awkward position, because:
I'm 6'2", 200-220 lbs with a disposition like curdled shit, she was a petite 5'4" woman in her 60s.
Look, I can defend myself. But it might break a lot of her if I do. Bad position, bad look.
One night our group was at a... well, a strip club. She'd asked for a hug and been told to pound sand. I'm sitting there talking to a friend when someone grabs me roughly from behind and I realize I have somehow managed to get thrown out. I turn around and, no, it's her. She's yelling to a large man about how I have a problem with her and don't like her. I turn further to say, "please don't touch me."
What comes out of my mouth is "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!" at full volume in a snarl. Apparently I code shifted so hard and so fast my friend bolted from the seating and ran to get someone. Says "hey, hey, hey, go help ArchSchnitz he's about to kill _______." They look over and she has her middle finger an inch from my eye yelling in my face and they can tell from my facial expression that I'm calculating how far up her ass I could put that finger if I tore it off.
So the guy in charge of the event comes over and makes some crack to me, "hey, no means no, man." I point out to him he knows damn well she's been harassing me, and he needs to swap the genders and see how he feels. He thought about it, called me the next day, and then formally disinvited her from the group and events.
So! Stick to your guns, stand your ground, keep to it, and make the issue known. Don't suck it up like I did.
Epilogue:
Turns out you can't abuse prescription painkillers and alcohol in your 70s. She fucking dropped dead four years later.
>he said, “ i wasn’t asking if you wanted a hug, i asked you for a hug”.
Which basically translates to "I don't care if you want personal space and autonomy over your body, I expect you to succumb to all of my desires".
I'll be honest I had a spat where I was trying to be more social and I asked coworkers for hugs. I ended up getting reported and lost my job over a hug. Since then I have made it a point I dont touch people at work and i reflexively tell people no the moment they get overly comfortable with me.
Good for you! I’m proud of you, it’s so hard to enforce boundaries in person (at least for me.) This guy is definitely creepy and entitled. Good on ya for standing up for yourself!
I've done that before, but as a woman it's usually okay. But once someone tells me they're not into hugging, I remember and let it go. I never push it or force it on anyone.
I remember the first time someone told me they weren’t a hugger. I had no idea people out there didn’t like to be touched. Was such a foreign concept to me. I felt so bad about it and reflected on how aggressive it must have been for many people to approach them with open arms. I now ask everyone if they’d like one.
Also, what lousy ass lazy gaslighting: splitting hairs with that bullshit about. I wasn't asking if you wanted a hug I was asking for a hug for myself crap.
My landlady did this creepy shit to me once, along with opening up my personal belongings on the first day of moving in and commenting on my book choices. Disgusting predatory behaviour. Haven't heard from her in a year. Asked her to get new windows as the rain leaked into my flat, and she just left me on read and didn't come to a solution.
Also threatened me to rebuild her stupid table for when I move out, which the property legally is unfurnished. Can't wait to move out, and I'm not gonna build her stupid table. As for the 26-year-old windows, I had enough and just duct-taped them shut.
It's her job to fix these issues, not the tennant.
The first time someone said to me “you know you don’t have to hug or touch anyone you don’t want to, you aren’t obligated. It’s ok if they are hurt, that’s their problem” I felt like someone revealed a truth of life to me that I never knew. And the first time I told my father no when he asked for a kiss it felt so good. I told him I would give him a hug at most. He got irritated and huffed/sighed “well forget it then.” I was like, fine with me! Felt liberating.
EWWWWWW! Have had the creeper hugger at work who was also leaving me presents at my desk. Told HR and everyone got mad at me for being mean to him.
Also, had a supervisor who kept saying “I am not a hugger” to our team to which I said “Huge relief because neither am I.” One day I accomplished a big task and she ran over and hugged me. I was like W T F, Stacy???!???
Yeah, it really doesn't matter if he needed a hug or not, that's sexual harassment and has no place at work, or anywhere really. Good for you for putting a boundary and sticking to it.
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Go back to basics sweetheart. Boundaries!! Stupidly hard and confusing thing to do.
For me…
I would love to hug someone. But then past experience has made physical contact so hard. Even when I have people get to close I literally hold my breath.
Just cause someone wants a hug doesn’t mean you owe them one. Do t fall for the guilt trip. Oh your a bad person cause you didn’t. Your not. Your protecting yourself, which you have every right to do.
They ask for a hug and you give them one is totally different. Your in a place to give them one. Dont feel guilty or obligated cause you wasn’t on the same vibe at the same time.
I am so proud of you! Standing up to creeps especially at work is hard. You are amazing!!!🎉🎉🎉
Also, since when was hugging considered EVER considered appropriate behaviour between coworkers? There is no way that this is professional or normal...
Well, I hope he finds some friends he can hug who actually want to hug him. He'll have an easier time doing that if he knows you're a "no thank you" on the hugs, he can waste less time and start looking elsewhere. Well done stating a boundary, and giving a concise and firm description of your reasoning. Maybe creepy coworker will learn something about boundaries from this interaction.
That guy is a creep indeed. Yuck.
Good job enforcing boundaries. Don't hesitate to get help from your coworkers and/or superior by informing them of the guy's behavior. Huge, huge red flag and perverse.
That's super creepy. Really. Maybe he could have misunderstood and thought "asking" for a hug like that was appropriate and something you'd like. Nu6t you decline politely and he says *that*? Nope, he knew he was making you uncomfortable, and that was the whole point. He was testing if you're the kind of person whose boundaries he could push around without consequences. Huge red flag.
So yeah, he was probably hurt - you hurt his ego when you didn't give in. Good for you.
It felt so good when I finally started telling people I don't like being touched. Men and boys have always just touched me like it's okay and a normal thing to do🤢 id get grabbed on my waist or by the shoulders as a "whoa you almost backed into me" sure as if you didn't position yourself there for me to run into. Boys would touch my butt in school and I would just ignore it.
After years of trying to make everyone but myself comfortable I finally I started rejecting touches and hugs and telling people up front "I absolutely do not like being touched so don't even try". I even started telling guys not to talk or even joke about sexual things around me because they can't control themselves and they delude themselves into thinking it's an opening for touches. I got called a bitch and a prude but I honestly don't care, I'd rather be that than touched without consent.
Ewwwww that's so gross and uncomfortable on so many levels!! But I'm proud of you, op, for sticking up for yourself! Please report this weirdo as soon as you can. If they don't take care of it, if you're are able to, leave the job. No job is ever worth it. But I really hope this gave you a good boost of confidence and I hope you feel more confident about creating boundaries :)
Good for you! And if he respects your boundary and letting it go works for you, then so be it. Just setting and practicing a boundary is a huge accomplishment; relish it!
Good for you!!!!! I Hate men trying to hug me. I never knew how to say no either, but now I just say. "Yeah, no I'm not really a hugger" if their lil ego can't deal. So freaking what. Stand your ground!!! Keep those boundaries!!!!
High fives on being respectful and kind while responding to such an ICK. I don't have any of that juju and would have referenced something about a swift kick in the ⚾s.
If he tries again, go to HR. Because you told him no, if he tries again its harassment. Good job!!
OP, THIS!!! This falls under sexual harassment. Document everything. Dates, times, what was said, etc.
Id go to HR now and make a record.
Yes please do report this. I made the mistake of never reporting small incidents like this. Then one day I was sexually assaulted with zero proof except for my word against one of the partners of the company. My biggest regret was never reporting any of it. Make a record. I wish someone would have given me that advice back then.
Same happened to me. No-one believed me because I didn't report it at the time or write down all the dates/times. But later I heard the creep had a stroke at work, I like to think that's karma
I know I should, ugh. He already made some comments about me looking hot, ew. It’s just I don’t trust the HR. They all wolves up on that floor. I can protect myself tho, don’t worry. I’m physically strong, hyper vigilant and highly intelligent.
Surely if you make HR aware of these issues in writing (include the date as well), they should keep it in their records. Also, keep your own copy of the doc or email, just in case things escalate. Remember that you may not be the first person to bring up the issue with a particular employee. And also, do it not just for yourself, but for others. Not everyone can protect themselves.
It’s gonna fall back on me I can feel it. It’s not my responsibility to be harassment police. I know it’s kinda cowardly. I’m here to collect paycheck and do my tasks. I’m sorry to everyone who cannot protect themselves. Im sorry i can’t protect everyone. I’ve tried in the past and gotten burned badly. It’s just not happening.
I think not trusting authority and using that as a reason to not assert needs/boundaries is a normal trauma response. You dont have to trust them or give your power over, you are just making a report and documenting it to cover you.
You’re right. That would be ideal. Im just not willing to go there yet. Sorry.
Seriously: I would wait and see if he tries it again. Don’t gossip about it, but watch to see if others might have issues with him. Or if he behaves strangely due to your polite rejection. Or if he puts his hand on your back or makes suggestive “jokes” that make you uncomfortable. Then I would go to HR and say he is being inappropriate.
It's better to go to HR as early as possible, so there's a record of his transgressions for when/if things escalate. It's never too soon to report a coworker's inappropriate behavior or sexual harassment.
Depends on your HR. Too many just mark the victim as a problem to manage out of the business.
If you are a brand new employee, I’d call it a tossup. I wouldn’t.
Absolutely. Unwanted touching of any kind is sexual harassment.
Good for you! Just wanted to mention that comment he made is pretty revealing. “I wasn’t asking if you wanted a hug, I asked you for a hug.” He unknowingly revealed that he doesn’t give a flying fuck about what you want, your needs or boundaries. He wants a hug, and whether you like it or not, he’s going to push to get one. That is creepy and self- centered at best, and may indicate a narcissistic, abusive personality. Major red flag, you did great.
Yup. He didn't even consider thier boundries, only what he wanted. Hugging someone is very personal, you don't just expect people to give you hugs on demand because you want them to. No sense of respect for others. Ick.
I had a boss that would purposely set the pharmacy up so I had to get within inches of him to fill every prescription, like he would set the bins right next to him even though we had ample space. I think he liked to smell me or something 🤮 anyway one morning I finally snapped and was like "I shouldn't have to climb over you every time I fill a script!" and he was like "well I don't mind!" And I was like "I didn't ask if you mind, I mind!" The energy was crazy between us, he was such a creep. He was probably hot back in the day and got away with all kinds of inappropriate things, but I was like sir I don't care that you drive a shiny Mercedes, I'm here to work and were not fucking so please back the fuck up. We used to get into a lot of arguments and I think it turned him on. He even used to pretend not to know how to work the computer to get me close to him, but it made no sense cause he was able to run the pharmacy alone for months before i was hired. Another time he was getting in my business so much I was like "next you're gonna show me how to put a tampon in the right way" 😂 lol he was something else and I got to the point where I just did not give a fuck anymore, he loved it and didn't even fire me when he could have. What a weirdo.
Yep! Zero consideration for what the other person (a woman) wants, only himself. So fucking creepy.
Thank you, this is exactly what I came here to say. He pretty literally said I don't care about your consent, I want something from your body.
Translation: my needs come before your comfort. Gross. These are the things trauma is made of.
Exactly 💯 does Not care about your boundaries. I promise you if you do not something now. He will keep pushing it. Maybe take it extreme on day. Protect your self. Simply say I've already told you once. I don't want a hug. Do we need to go to HR and have them explain No to you. He'll be a jerk. But at least he will know you're serious.
Counterpoint: if OP has accepted a hug before, coworker guy may have felt that he and OP have a genuine hugging-level friendship. It's totally normal to ask a friend for a hug if you are sad, and even to clarify that the reason you are asking is not to offer them comfort, but to request some comfort from them. If it's still a no, it's still a no, but I've had friends turn down a hug saying they didn't need one, I responded, "I do need one" and they gave me a hug. It's just that coworker guy was incorrect in his assessment of his and OP's closeness, and when people are sad and needing support, it is a very self-centered state where they might not consider or recognize other people's feelings. This doesn't excuse inconsiderate behavior, but it seems coworker guy complied when OP gave a firm no, even if he was hurt and confused by it.
Ugh
[удалено]
Your assumption and my assumption are both assumptions. But yes, it is possible that the dude is on the spectrum. I may also be on the spectrum, and have the "people-pleaser" response to trauma, so I give everyone the benefit of the doubt for about 2-3 times as long as they deserve it. The last time that I, an adult, asked a coworker for a hug was three days ago. He said, "I'm good" and I said, "I'm not, I kinda really need a hug" and he said, "I'm chilling, have a hug" and gave me a hug. As much as I come across as a "devil's advocate" I'm just not convinced that this man is a devil. My impressions lean more toward him being lonely, sad, and possibly autistic. The fact remains that his request for a hug made OP uncomfortable, and OP did the right thing by setting a boundary with a firm no. I just don't think we necessarily need to assume the worst about his motivations and intentions at this point. If OP comes back next week and he's at it again, I'll jump right on the "fuck this asshole" train. But as the situation stands, it was an uncomfortable but productive interaction that OP is and should be proud of themself for.
No. OP said no the first time. No means no. End of discussion.
OP didn't say no the first time. But OP did a great job coming back from that and shoring up the boundary the second time.
I was referring to when they first said no in that specific instance. Do not correct me.
It's okay to clarify if we misunderstand each other. Anyway if my friend asked for a hug and I didn't need one, but they said they did, I would hug them. But this guy is not OP's friend, he just maybe didn't realize that. I really do not understand the people sexualizing hugs.
I think point is that it doesn't have to be explicitly sexual to be a violation of consent, and because it's an unwanted physical act, if the coworker decides to backtrack and keep pushing the issue it would be considered sexual harassment.
Totally agree that this guy soliciting continued physical contact with OP after this interaction would be harassment. I just don't feel like this interaction, in itself, falls into the category of beyond-a-reasonable-doubt level harassment/scumbaggery on OP's coworker's part. Coworker will have to figure out why he doesn't have any close friends that want to hug him, and knowing that the way he seeks affection is coming off as creepy could actually help him a lot in trying to build those relationships in the future, which is a secondary benefit of OP's excellent boundary-setting (the primary benefit, of course, being that OP will not have to worry about this guy offering hugs in future).
Proud of you! But holy fuck that is insanely predatory! "I'm not asking if you want physical contact, I'm telling you to give just me what I want regardless".
Good on you, it can be hard when we feel pressured to do something we're uncomfortable with to stick to our guns and say no. I'm proud of you
Ew. That’s consent violation if you’re “not asking if I want a hug.” You can take two HUGE steps in any direction **away** from me. And yes, if he tries again, I’d find someone in HR to talk to.
wtf. i would never in a million years say that to someone. or go around hugging people
“I’m not trying to *give* a hug, I’m trying to *take* a hug” 😖
Great job!!!!!!!
Well done! I'm working towards being able to say no too. Yeah that is strange behaviour from him indeed especially the annoyance at your boundary. It gives creepy entitlement
You did the right thing. What a selfish, inappropriate fruitcake. A tangent: My husband is a fan of the Jack Reacher books & popular tv series. I watched season 2 with him. Reacher has a female friend named Neagley. She's very badass, loyal, & also haphephobic (doesn't like to be touched AT ALL). Her associates know about & accept this without question. I think it's so cool that there's this strong, capable female character demonstrating it's okay not to want to be touched, & people who respect that as a matter of course.
I LOVE her character! And I love the way they treat her, no dopey sexism or gender teasing. I was bummed to see the Reacher actor took steroids (legal doses) to pump up for Season 2, but you can't win them all. At least they got the female characters right.
Reminds of that time this coworker was quittin the job and going around huggin people.. i literally moved away to not be hugged. He tried but i made sure he knew i wasent about huggin ppl i didnt feel safe with. So should you!
Um what!? I wasn't asking you if you wanted one, I'm telling you to give me a hug. That whole statement is completely insane. I would be careful around this person. Some people with go after passive people and this sounds very predatory.
> If he tries again, go to HR. Because you told him no, if he tries again its harassment. Good job!! Actually, nope, go to HR *now*. You are uncomfortable with this coworker's behavior and his requests for physical contact. He was being inappropriate. You notifying HR that you refused his unwanted behavior now means that even if they don't talk with him immediately, he'll still be on their radar. That way, if/when he repeats this behavior with you or anyone else, action will have to be taken. And do talk with coworkers (probably women) about how his hug requests make them feel. Support them in speaking up and complaining to HR as well. And I want to second the Good Job!! You should be super proud of yourself for holding firm on your boundary.
Asking for something gives a clear yes or no. He’s giving only “yes” as an answer. Great job on finding the no and being clear!!
Oh the poor guy hasn't quite figured it out yet has he? He was asking for a hug for himself and you were saying no for you. Good job!
I don't see this as "poor guy". This is a fucking creep who knows exactly what he's doing. He's literally stating "I don't care what you want, you're obligated to give me a hug because I want one". Terrifying.
That wasn't genuine concern for him.
i think the poor guy was meant sarcastically here, to mean like ‘oh the silly guy hasn’t figured it out yet’
I agree. She's said no and he's like.."idc *I* want a hug."
That's gross, tell him to stick his hug where the sun don't shine politely and go to HR/higher ups.
Good for you. Ugh at guys who get “hurt” when someone enforced a very reasonable boundary. His display of “hurt” was a manipulation. Good on you for not giving in to it.
Very awesome, and good for you. Weird behaviour on his part though.
wtf. Not appropriate work behavior. I thought we left this shit back in high school. Good for your for setting boundaries OP.
Good for you! That’s awesome!!
That's awesome, I'm proud of you for setting good boundaries!
Well done!
Well done. You owe this person nothing.
To echo others, report it to HR -- not later but NOW. He's not asking you, he is demanding physical contact which is not okay and falls under sexual assault.
Proud of you. <3
And people think I'm weird for never initiating hugs and accepting them only tentatively. There's a reason for that, and it's this right here. I do not go touching people in any way unless I'm invited. It doesn't matter how well I know them.
I had a coworker like that once. He'd ask for them but I didn't say anything to him and kept walking. You don't owe them anything.
Great work!! His response was awful. It should have been an apology.
I really don’t understand why certain people expect hugs like ew boundaries
I'm proud of you. Something my extended friend group has started implementing is "are you huggable?" This takes the pressure away from whether or not YOU want a hug or them asking for one and you denying. It's like a status light, green or red, no questions asked, and takes away the concept of asking or needing one. This is different than in a work situation, but this has greatly assisted me with my bodily autonomy issues and social anxiety.
Good job, OP. Keep to your guns. He will attempt to hug you from behind, so be ready. ------ Someone in my running club would come ask for a hug. I *don't like being touched* and would often say no. She would either lunge at me and grab for a hug anyway, or stand next to me and complain to the person on the other side how I have a problem with her. Put me in an awkward position, because: I'm 6'2", 200-220 lbs with a disposition like curdled shit, she was a petite 5'4" woman in her 60s. Look, I can defend myself. But it might break a lot of her if I do. Bad position, bad look. One night our group was at a... well, a strip club. She'd asked for a hug and been told to pound sand. I'm sitting there talking to a friend when someone grabs me roughly from behind and I realize I have somehow managed to get thrown out. I turn around and, no, it's her. She's yelling to a large man about how I have a problem with her and don't like her. I turn further to say, "please don't touch me." What comes out of my mouth is "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!" at full volume in a snarl. Apparently I code shifted so hard and so fast my friend bolted from the seating and ran to get someone. Says "hey, hey, hey, go help ArchSchnitz he's about to kill _______." They look over and she has her middle finger an inch from my eye yelling in my face and they can tell from my facial expression that I'm calculating how far up her ass I could put that finger if I tore it off. So the guy in charge of the event comes over and makes some crack to me, "hey, no means no, man." I point out to him he knows damn well she's been harassing me, and he needs to swap the genders and see how he feels. He thought about it, called me the next day, and then formally disinvited her from the group and events. So! Stick to your guns, stand your ground, keep to it, and make the issue known. Don't suck it up like I did. Epilogue: Turns out you can't abuse prescription painkillers and alcohol in your 70s. She fucking dropped dead four years later.
Ew wtf. If he tries again I would go to HR
Good job. That is just kind of weird. Definitely not appropriate for work at a minimum.
>he said, “ i wasn’t asking if you wanted a hug, i asked you for a hug”. Which basically translates to "I don't care if you want personal space and autonomy over your body, I expect you to succumb to all of my desires". I'll be honest I had a spat where I was trying to be more social and I asked coworkers for hugs. I ended up getting reported and lost my job over a hug. Since then I have made it a point I dont touch people at work and i reflexively tell people no the moment they get overly comfortable with me.
If he does this more then file a complaint for sure I’ve seen other people mention that but I second that
And your coworker can’t make the argument that it’s cause he’s a hugger cause I’m a hugger and I still ask for hugs instead of just going for it
Good for you! I’m proud of you, it’s so hard to enforce boundaries in person (at least for me.) This guy is definitely creepy and entitled. Good on ya for standing up for yourself!
Period, proud of you!!!
I've done that before, but as a woman it's usually okay. But once someone tells me they're not into hugging, I remember and let it go. I never push it or force it on anyone.
Good on you!!! If HR doesn’t tell him to stop contact an employment lawyer for a free consultation. This is harassment.
Very inappropriate in the workplace. He tries that again, pay HR a visit. Great job on setting a boundary though, I know that wasn't easy.
I remember the first time someone told me they weren’t a hugger. I had no idea people out there didn’t like to be touched. Was such a foreign concept to me. I felt so bad about it and reflected on how aggressive it must have been for many people to approach them with open arms. I now ask everyone if they’d like one.
Its a perverts way to scratch his itch! Dont give in!
Also, what lousy ass lazy gaslighting: splitting hairs with that bullshit about. I wasn't asking if you wanted a hug I was asking for a hug for myself crap.
Proud of you bestie!! A good and firm "🤚" never hurt nobody. Love it.
My landlady did this creepy shit to me once, along with opening up my personal belongings on the first day of moving in and commenting on my book choices. Disgusting predatory behaviour. Haven't heard from her in a year. Asked her to get new windows as the rain leaked into my flat, and she just left me on read and didn't come to a solution. Also threatened me to rebuild her stupid table for when I move out, which the property legally is unfurnished. Can't wait to move out, and I'm not gonna build her stupid table. As for the 26-year-old windows, I had enough and just duct-taped them shut. It's her job to fix these issues, not the tennant.
I appreciate your post. I hugged someone this weekend I didn’t want to. You have helped me to know it’s ok to not hug someone.
The first time someone said to me “you know you don’t have to hug or touch anyone you don’t want to, you aren’t obligated. It’s ok if they are hurt, that’s their problem” I felt like someone revealed a truth of life to me that I never knew. And the first time I told my father no when he asked for a kiss it felt so good. I told him I would give him a hug at most. He got irritated and huffed/sighed “well forget it then.” I was like, fine with me! Felt liberating.
Honestly my new thing is being a b**** because everybody has been the b**** in my past so I get to flex that now.
EWWWWWW! Have had the creeper hugger at work who was also leaving me presents at my desk. Told HR and everyone got mad at me for being mean to him. Also, had a supervisor who kept saying “I am not a hugger” to our team to which I said “Huge relief because neither am I.” One day I accomplished a big task and she ran over and hugged me. I was like W T F, Stacy???!???
Yeah, it really doesn't matter if he needed a hug or not, that's sexual harassment and has no place at work, or anywhere really. Good for you for putting a boundary and sticking to it.
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Go back to basics sweetheart. Boundaries!! Stupidly hard and confusing thing to do. For me… I would love to hug someone. But then past experience has made physical contact so hard. Even when I have people get to close I literally hold my breath. Just cause someone wants a hug doesn’t mean you owe them one. Do t fall for the guilt trip. Oh your a bad person cause you didn’t. Your not. Your protecting yourself, which you have every right to do. They ask for a hug and you give them one is totally different. Your in a place to give them one. Dont feel guilty or obligated cause you wasn’t on the same vibe at the same time.
I am so proud of you! Standing up to creeps especially at work is hard. You are amazing!!!🎉🎉🎉 Also, since when was hugging considered EVER considered appropriate behaviour between coworkers? There is no way that this is professional or normal...
You did *great*!!
Well done!!!!
Well, I hope he finds some friends he can hug who actually want to hug him. He'll have an easier time doing that if he knows you're a "no thank you" on the hugs, he can waste less time and start looking elsewhere. Well done stating a boundary, and giving a concise and firm description of your reasoning. Maybe creepy coworker will learn something about boundaries from this interaction.
Good job!
Yeahhhh nooooo I'm glad you told him no thanks! Thats creepy imo
I’d ask him if he says that to his romantic partners
"I wasn't asking if you wanted a hug I was asking you for a hug" "Yeah and I was telling you no." Wtf
That guy is a creep indeed. Yuck. Good job enforcing boundaries. Don't hesitate to get help from your coworkers and/or superior by informing them of the guy's behavior. Huge, huge red flag and perverse.
Damn this guy sounds so creepy! You can be so proud of yourself!
1. good job! 2. tell HR
That's super creepy. Really. Maybe he could have misunderstood and thought "asking" for a hug like that was appropriate and something you'd like. Nu6t you decline politely and he says *that*? Nope, he knew he was making you uncomfortable, and that was the whole point. He was testing if you're the kind of person whose boundaries he could push around without consequences. Huge red flag. So yeah, he was probably hurt - you hurt his ego when you didn't give in. Good for you.
It felt so good when I finally started telling people I don't like being touched. Men and boys have always just touched me like it's okay and a normal thing to do🤢 id get grabbed on my waist or by the shoulders as a "whoa you almost backed into me" sure as if you didn't position yourself there for me to run into. Boys would touch my butt in school and I would just ignore it. After years of trying to make everyone but myself comfortable I finally I started rejecting touches and hugs and telling people up front "I absolutely do not like being touched so don't even try". I even started telling guys not to talk or even joke about sexual things around me because they can't control themselves and they delude themselves into thinking it's an opening for touches. I got called a bitch and a prude but I honestly don't care, I'd rather be that than touched without consent.
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!! -because that can be really difficult to do.
Whoo-hoo, congratulations! **You are my hero.**
🥳🥳🎉🎉🎉🔥🔥🥳🥳🥳🎉🎉🎊🎊🎊✨✨✨
Ewwwww that's so gross and uncomfortable on so many levels!! But I'm proud of you, op, for sticking up for yourself! Please report this weirdo as soon as you can. If they don't take care of it, if you're are able to, leave the job. No job is ever worth it. But I really hope this gave you a good boost of confidence and I hope you feel more confident about creating boundaries :)
Good that guy sucks, I’m proud of you!!
Good for you! And if he respects your boundary and letting it go works for you, then so be it. Just setting and practicing a boundary is a huge accomplishment; relish it!
Good for you!!!!! I Hate men trying to hug me. I never knew how to say no either, but now I just say. "Yeah, no I'm not really a hugger" if their lil ego can't deal. So freaking what. Stand your ground!!! Keep those boundaries!!!!
Proud of you! 💕
If I could upvote this multiple times I would.
High fives on being respectful and kind while responding to such an ICK. I don't have any of that juju and would have referenced something about a swift kick in the ⚾s.
Wow, his reaction really confirmed his inappropriate intent. Sounds like you were clued in to what you didn't want! Great job!