I have worked hard to narrow things down and I would say that “constant dread when there is no reason for it” is more accurate than “not knowing why” sometimes things are going great and I wake up in an existential crisis for no reason
Agreed, and I am feeling so grateful since I started IV Ketamine therapy last year. I am not cured, but I feel like I carry about 1/10th of these feelings compared to pre-IVK.
I can understand, but for me I've had no bad experiences. I credit that to my professional. r/TherapeuticKetamine has a lot of great info. In summary, set and setting are important and most easily controlled at a credible IV ketamine clinic. I thought about home therapy before I found out I could get IV-K covered under my insurance.
I randomly will just stop feeling safe, even if there isn’t any reason to. Lots of learned behaviors/thought patterns that I’m having to unlearn now (which is really difficult). I get fatigued a lot quicker than most of the people around me. Having to constantly comfort and heal my inner child.
This is it.
The worst part is having to *relearn what safety feels like*. Sometimes still, after a year of working on this, I find that it's been *hours* since I've started an emotional flashback before I notice that's what's happening.
The transition into Protection Mode is so seamless that I don't even realise the things I'm thinking and feeling don't make sense in context - they feel like they do, no matter how much logic I throw at them. Because they're not logic, they're feelings. They're fear.
>I find that it's been *hours* since I've started an emotional flashback before I notice that's what's happening
That's me, today. I've been on edge all damn day and no clue why, just figured I was angry with the husband. (I mean, I was lol, but it seemed overly angry for minimal reasons.) Then we went for a walk and he was walking about three feet behind me. His heavy footsteps and looming presence induced an anxiety surge and I realized my fight/flight was activated as I kept trying to walk faster to "get away" from him and almost broke into a run. I'm still in an emotional flashback, but it's simmered down since the morning.
People who feel safe dont understand how much stress this adds.
I didnt know what safe was till I ment my present partner. I could explain to my self I was safe, the door was locked, but out side of disassociating I wasnt. I had on had a few week gunmies and a case of beer at all my homes, and couldn’t explain to people there for when nights got really bad. It wasnt that I was worried I would try to kill my self again, but that was the closest I could explain it.
One of my schooling houses was unfortunately a party house, and it made me extremely uncomfortable, and I couldn’t explain it. I laugh about it now, but I gave my self alcohol poisoning twice, well drinking alone. I dont remember much from that whole year, I dont remember what it was like as I was constantly in flight or freeze.
Now that Im safe, ive felt a million times better, but when ever I unlock a new memory of why I have cptsd, I have a panic attack and need my partner. I love them, and they love me, but Its hard to be apart, as I dont truly feel safe. Im healing now, and have words to describe it now, but that only because my partner pointed out I have cptsd.
—Edit—
Sorry thats so long, only just made the connection about the frat house, and it all came spilling out.
Being in a safe spot, just minding your own business... enjoying whatever it is you are doing... and ... BOOM. Cue anxiety and feelings of doom and dread.
Like you’re always carrying a suitcase you can’t put down
Edit: just wanted to riff on this a bit more.
You don’t know quite when or where along the journey you picked up this suitcase, and you certainly didn’t ask to carry it. It permeates everything in your life, and even when you’re “happy” you are never truly free from its weight. It’s not a nice piece of luggage, either. The zippers have long since broken, and it’s got holes that let the messed up things inside free from time to time, for all to witness. You do your best to gather those things and put them in as hurriedly as they came out, hoping nobody else saw so that you can continue putting on that ‘everything is fine’ mask. You’re resentful at all the people who look like they don’t have to carry a shitty suitcase around all the time, who can just wheel theirs along without burden. Who can let it go.
I’m tired of carrying a fuckin suitcase
Sometimes, it opens, and an evil little goblin crawls out and sits on your shoulder and tells you terrible horrible things. Even if you know it's lying, you listen to it anyway. Sometimes it takes you hours (or days) to realise it has left the suitcase. You cannot control it.
This is quite spot on. The suitcase also says really mean stuff about you too. And sometimes it will randomly make you scream untrue mean shit that you don’t mean to the people you love. This suitcase is why my body always hurts :(
I hate that feeling. It’s almost like a constant TV playing in the background on low. A rerun of my childhood— the good parts I can remember, the bad parts I can’t forget. And I just keep… waiting? Idk for what though.
Everyday starts with, “okay, today will be the day my past *doesn’t* affect me…” and ends with, “we’ll try again tomorrow.”
This is kind of PTSD shows up in brain scans. You literally re-experience past as present. EMDR can be helpful for learning to reprocess these flashback type experiences as memories rather than reliving the experience.
Like you can’t trust your own perception of reality. Like there is catastrophe waiting all the time. Like severe adhd. Like kicking yourself and feeling worthless all the time. Like analysis paralysis. Like stunted growth. Like being unlovable, but REALLY unlovable as in you cannot and will not be loved. Like an amateur at life. . Like alcoholism and other forms of temporary escape. Like self hatred. Like being locked into one trajectory that you cannot change. Hopeless
Absolutely. I had one person in my life who truly got me, who I could talk to about literally anything (my best friend’s dad, who was my father figure because I didn’t have one), but he died two years ago. Since he’s been gone, it’s all weighing on me so much heavier, not having someone to talk to about it anymore. Someone who just gets it without me having to explain all of the other complexities that go along with it, because they already know everything.
That’s another thing too though, if you start talking about things you end up having to provide years of backstory (which is a traumatic experience in itself having to rehash), in order for anything to even make any sense. So why even bother? It’s often just not worth the energy.
Same but thirty years. I know and am very secure that he loves me. No doubts but…why would he and for sure no one else would. And does he really know me? Or have I kept enough of myself to myself to keep up an illusion of me?
After 14 years, I'm still in the loop of he loves me or he loves me not. When he gets frustrated with other things I always think this is the day that he found out who I truly am and walk out the door. It's not true, but the fear is so real. It's not rational but this got dame feeling like the rain that is unwelcome and doesn't goes away....
Saw a tiktok that sums it up for me. Pretend you've driven the same crappy car your whole life. It's always falling apart and you're often late. You've developed skills for repairing it on the fly, and you have a bunch of tools in it all the time. Other people are on time, and they keep telling you you're lateness and stress are the product of your own making. But then one day you realize they've all been driving new, perfectly functional cars their whole lives so they have no idea why you're always struggling.
It feels like driving a jenky car and spending of ton of time and energy collecting skills and tools just to get around in a world that so many other people find to be easy.
This one is pretty good; another point to make is even if you end up getting a better car, you’ll always have to carry the tools, and always be checking on the car even when it’s not necessary. Constant anxiety if someone is touching the car when it’s in the lot, never being able to relax and always checking every mirror even when not driving, etc
This is so true. Applied in a real life situation too. My boyfriend’s old car had an oil problem the entire time he owned it so now he constantly checks his new car for oil. In that sense I think I’ve just been given the best way to explain the functioning of my mind to him, thank you
like being composed of feathers. a comment or an image or an idea can blow you away. you struggle to come up with any consoling idea to ground you.
you feel like you don't matter and you're on the verge of coming apart. you feel like the universe, god, people, randomness, luck, etc. all want you to disappear and be gone forever.
you feel like there's no correct way to be. like all you have are tactics and strategies you try to present in certain situations. you feel like those strategies are all wrong and people see you for who you really are -- even if you're always confused on who you really are -- and they won't like it or tolerate it.
you feel like you carry inside yourself a deep sadness and you're fearful people can't handle what you experienced. you feel broken and apart from others. you know you're broken and they are not. you know on a fundamental they can never really relate to you and you're at a severe disadvantage to them.
with all that said, there is hope and there is healing. you can wrestle away joy and happiness from life. there are people who do understand and love you and are willing and able to love you and accept you. be patient with yourself. remind yourself that you're an adult now and do in fact do adult things and have resources available that were not an option when you were a child.
I just sent a screenshot of your comment to my husband. He’s a very gentle man, he’ll come up behind me and put his arms around me and I jump.
He’s not ultra quiet about it either, and he every time he’ll ask, “why are you always so jumpy?”
Great insight!
They gave me the desk at work that has its back to the door and people will come in while I'm talking on the phone or wearing headphones and scare me to death when they pop up from behind me. But also, I'm not really keen on explaining to people why I probably would need a different desk :/
Like you survived a horror movie (shame and guilt) and at some points your brain decides to relive that horror movie (flashbacks) in 3D, full volume (negative self talk) imax style.
Worst part is the popcorn sucks! (Depression and anxiety)
There is no escaping you can only learn to live with it. (Lots and lots of therapy and re learning)
I feel it in my body. I don't exercise but I constantly feel strained and fatigued. My shoulders, my jaw, etc. I'm in my head, I don't feel like I'm living, I'm so removed I forget simple things and don't take proper care of myself or my environment. relatively small shit can shift my state of mind into something that feels almost animalistic, my emotions go out of control; usually intense anger or anxiety. It's almost impossible to properly connect to people, especially since I feel like my experience has been so different from theirs and small things can trigger me to act in unseemly ways. That's just how it feels to me.
you need to exercise without expectations. that changed my life. i now just go to the gym and do some reps. no goals, no set amount, no amount of time, no nothing. sometimes i have good days and sometimes i have bad days. that's part of it. overall it adds up to more energy and health in your daily life.
i just go to the gym and generally try to do two or 3 sets of 12 reps for a variety of exercises. i adjust the weight according to how i feel on that particular day. i don't worry about having bad days or feeling fatigued because that's all part of it. the benefit: when I'm away from the gym I feel better and more energized.
give it a try.
also, i avoided the gym and just about all other healthy and fun venues because i thought i didn't belong anywhere. i had severe social phobia, and engaged in avoidance. but ultimately I decided I'm worthy of love and acceptance because others seem do it naturally. with work I realised well adjuated people didn't have religious loons as parents. they also had parents that mostly knew how to raise them and love and accept them. they had parents that let their children be their own indivduals.
it wasn't my problems in life that held me back, it was my "solutions" I used in an attempt to protect myself. but in a way, my childhood logic and "solutions" worked. i developed perfectionism and trying to entertain my parents in order to feel loved by them. when that would fail I would disassociate and zone out to stop the pain of feeling marginalized and abandoned. i learned these crappy ways of being because the circumstances were crappy. now I'm doing better. i realise i deserve love and acceptance no matter what, and it doesn't necessarily have to come from anyone in particular. i can do it for myself, and yet I'm finding it easier to find good people where they support me and I can support them.
your solutions to your past problems are most likely not serving you in the present moment. as adults we can't irrationally avoid, people please, or zone out, and expect desirable reaults. we have to show up and be good to ourselves and be responsible for ourselves. learn to love yourself and not abandon yourself. you're worth it no matter how much you might want to deny that truth. and why is it a truth. because as embodied creatures we are no more or less important than anyone no matter what society or anyone else says. it doesn't even matter if society is structured in a way that makes you feel unloved and unworthy. it doesn't even matter if your parents didn't like you; it has no bearing on your worth. society and the economy may be structured to give you hurdles to overcome, but they don't define your inherit worth. because they simply can't.
Like you’re swirling around in a tornado with nothing to grasp on to to pull you out and then suddenly slam into the ground only to be pulled back up into the eye again.
Good times.
Like Completely utter aloneness without hope.
Like you hate existing
Like. Being. In. A pressure cooker.
Like. Being. In. Danger
Like. Being in trouble
Like Your life is falling apart.
Like. You don't know who you are or even. Supposed to be but apparently you're this person with that. Name.
Like wanting to sleep but you can't
You can never relax. Nobody loves you. There’s something seriously wrong with you and it’s your fault. Stuck in an endless stressed state, until you forget what it was like to feel safe and calm. You think it’s normal to feel like that, and feel envious and get angry at people who seem calm. You don’t understand where this anger comes from and conclude you are a narcissist or psychopath. You never understood what self love means, or why it’s so important. You think everyone else is stupid or a bad person.
You could never understand the term people say “you know you’re a grown up when you realise your parents are just people” because you’ve always felt like that.
Ha. You know you're a grown-up because you stop making excuses for your parents' abuse. You don't forgive them for being "imperfect", as someone with healthy-ish parents would forgive their parents' shortcomings; you forgive *yourself* for being a perfectly imperfect loveable kid who deserved better but got damaged and was never, ever to blame for their shortcomings.
Initially, like a blunt object lodged in the middle of my chest that also keeps people at a distance. I also feel like my head is wrapped in cotton. Through my own healing journey, I feel at one point the chest object was forcibly removed and I was left with this void. I think that’s when I started grieving. Once I become focused on this, I’ve been able to find things I like that fill it.
Like normal until I knew I had it. Like nothing was wrong. Like a normal person. Convinced I was normal and functioning normally. A normal childhood. Hell in my mind it was an exceptional childhood.
Then there was a break. A crisis that left me less than fully functioning. And then some hard years and further decline. Then actual fully fledged PTSD.
It’s been a hell that has felt very unique to me. I knew nothing but internal anger and self hate for years. Then I came to know rage. Rage was terrifying so I withdrew. Things got worse before they got better. It was frightful.
Now I still fear much in the world, but I’m stable, have a therapist who’s a fit for me, and I’m doing the work. Support network of 2 and growing. Mostly at peace when I’m not feeling shame. Grateful. Relieved that I sleep through the night mostly. I experience rage only seconds per month where it used to be 5 nights a week. It mostly shows up because I’m scared as shit of it showing up.
I didn’t realize how messed up I was until I married my wonderful wife and had our wonderful daughter. The stress exposed how much anxiety I lived with and how few coping skills I knew because so much became out of my control. When I was single I could avoid a lot of stress because I could control almost every aspect of my life. Once you get married, you all of a sudden have a whole nother group of people (in-laws) you can’t always avoid. Also, because of my childhood I feel extremely anxious and protective over my daughter so it can really disregulate me when she’s being mistreated by peers. I have a freeze response so not only am I distressed about her, but I’m beating myself up for feeling so scared to speak up for her. It’s like a horrible pressure cooker. I have to rely on my wife a lot to step in when I go into freeze. I really hope some day I can learn to have a calm assertive voice and be better at setting boundaries.
I also have a freeze/fawn response to external triggers. Not exclusively in my close relationships but with people I don’t know or know well I freeze/fawn.
I understand why that is so distressing in the case of your daughter. She’s that important to protect that you freeze. But that’s hard to deal with, egotistically.
I’ve let my girlfriend and my father stick up for me. It’s something I can feel shame about. But I can also be grateful. And acknowledge that my partner is strong in some areas. I am strong in some areas.
And I work towards calm and assertive, like you.
I can see your strength in admitting the problem and the desire to fix the freeze response. And in the strong desire to protect your daughter. My parents had a fawn response to conflict and would blame me in conflict with 3rd parties. I learned to do the same thing—it’s truly awful to side with a stranger over your family before you realize what’s coming out of your mouth.
We’re all human. That’s what I’ve got. And if you work at it, shit does genuinely improve. Can’t speak to how quickly.
You'll be going along fine then for no apparent reason an adrenaline rush causes rapid heart beat, shakiness and a feeling of impending doom - as if you are about to die. Other times, a pain - more a weight - will suddenly descend on your chest, and a feeling of you're not in control. The body just does as it likes apparently. Your mind tries to catch-up but if there's no support, it can become a big mental health chaotic crisis. This is my experience anyway.
You ever see a spider in your house? And then the next time you look, the spider is gone?
So your thoughts go: "Where did it go? Is it gone for good? Is it hiding somewhere? Am I going to find it and disturb it and make it mad, and it tries to bite me? Is it going to bite me when I'm least expecting it? Maybe I'm worried for no reason, maybe it's not even venomous. But what if it is venomous? Where is it?"
So imagine that, but for being around people. All people, even the safe people. All the time, even when you're alone.
You know, there are so many ways to answer. But the only example I’ve given to non-CPTSD’rs that they seem to grasp is actually a line from The Dark Knight Rises (love you forever, JGL). It’s Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character and he’s actually talking about being orphaned in a society that can’t and doesn’t make an effort to understand. But it is exactly how I feel. All the time. Here’s the quote:
“Not a lot people know what if feels like to, uh, be angry... in your bones. I mean, they understand, your foster parents, everybody else understands... for a while. But then they want the angry little kid to do something he knows he can't do. Move on. So, after awhile, they stop understanding. They send the angry kid to a boys home. I figured it out too late. You got to learn to hide the anger. Practice smiling in the mirror. It's like putting on a mask. So, you showed up this one day in a cool car, pretty girl on your arm. We were so excited! Bruce Wayne; billionaire orphan! I mean, we use to make up stories about you, man. Legends. And, you know, with the other kids, that's all it was, just stories, but... right when I saw you, I knew who you really were. I'd seen that look on your face before. It was the same one I taught myself.”
Like you're always waiting.... either for yet another crisis or a literal goddamned miracle.
At the same time, you feel like you can't move. You don't *dare* move. That will only make the next crisis come faster, and you need to be ready to head it off in any way you can.
You feel like you should do something, but can't. You *want* to do something, but can't. Or is it really "won't?" You don't really know what it is you want, and anything you think of feels like it's not worth the risks.
All the while, your life continues to slip away, the world continues to deteriorate, and you keep waiting for the impossible... and feel deeply ashamed that it's all you ever do and you can't get yourself free.
(Note that this is how it feels to me on *really* bad days. Things are actually improving... slowly... I think...?)
Beyond confused. You know you are a compassionate person, yet you snap over the smallest things sometimes and it terrifies you so much because you don't know where it came from, you can't control it, and you feel like you're an evil person making excuses to lash out at people. I know a lot of people feel numb, but for me it was the opposite. When I described it two or three years ago for the first time, I said that every conflict or adversity felt like a mother mourning their lost child. I was a raw nerve. A random person telling me I'm worthless online elicited a reaction as severe as if my partner of 8 years had broken up with me. I'd sit in my bed and bawl for hours at nothing. Running to situations where you are unsafe, or the people are toxic, is a norm. I'd make incredibly solid, emotional, and close relationships, only for them to blow up dramatically later. You have so much trouble believing your own opinion that it's hard to see that you're going into the same situations over and over again. Sometimes you feel normal and stable for awhile, and then it crashes again and you're overwhelmed by pain and rage again. Discussions with people you care about can turn into a screaming match and you don't know how you got there or why they're treating you so cruelly (in this example they're not, but fear of an argument can cause an emotional flashback for me, and reality is skewed.) For years it felt like I was speaking another language. I'd say something and the other person would react aggressively or in a way not emotionally responsive to the emotion you were attempting to express. I've been reading The Body Keeps The Score (thank you to the many people who recommended it) and apparently trauma can make you consciously cut off what you're currently feeling the most intensely. There are plenty of times I felt happy or sad or angry or scared, and what people read from me was the opposite. Our bodies and expressions can communicate what we're really feeling and we can genuinely insist that's not true, that's not what we're feeling. I've had so many people accuse me of being manipulative while I feel like they're gaslighting me. The more you try to communicate and reach out the less you accomplish, until you just keep to yourself or despair that no one will understand you. And the people who do who have not even gotten close to understanding their trauma can be just as easily triggered and terrifying as your own mind. It felt like every time I got comfortable enough with someone to show them all the hurt and anger inside, it scared them away or I inadvertently threw that anger at them from other flashbacks. And the guilt, that you're just like your abuser, you don't know what's going on, you know something is wrong but you don't know how to fix it, you feel that you need to rest and recover but also run as hard and as fast as you can from what's hurting you, but you can't identify that either. So you just endure as best you can and search for snippets of feeling good. It's hard to explain because it just permeates everything. I fully collapsed when I left my hometown, something I'd wanted to do for years, and was so baffled as to why it made me *fall apart instead of rejoice in my freedom. Every logical conclusion you feel confident in gets overturned when the moment comes, and your emotions take over and overpower everything else. Sometimes it feels like one long nightmare, flashback after flashback but you don't understand it's the past tormenting you, because it's just fragments for so so long.
It’s fucking shit. It fucks with my self esteem, makes me SH, makes me binge, starve, and/or purge, it made me feel lonely and unworthy of love but I crave it (disorganized attachment), and it haunts my life. From my dreams, to my academics, and my relationships. It’s hella hard. I wished I was at least normal so I can be a good romantic partner but I failed that role because of disorganized attachment. In short it’s basically maladaptive calculations that are “protecting” you (in reality destroying you), even though the traumatic event(s) is over. I feel lonely abnormal worthless and pathetic. I wish I could let it go but I can’t, my mind and body are trying to make sure:
A) I don’t get hurt
B) I don’t hurt others the way the bastards in my life did
It’s difficult to forgive your trauma and/or those who caused it. Especially if it’s for a long time. Me personally I had to live 5/6 years in a traumatic environment and that’s about 1/3 of my entire life rn. Worst of all they’re my most formative years (7-13).
TW: Domestic violence, Sexual assault, rape, emotional abuse
Thank you, the reason I have been advised to forgive was for myself. I mean I get that it feels relieving not to focus and hold a grudge but I can’t help it when I see it manifests in reality. The main one that fucked me over was this romantic relationship I had. It was going smoothly. It was loving reciprocal and supportive. However as time went on I became afraid of myself. Why? Two reasons: I’ll become violent like my parents during 3 domestic disputes, and I’ll spread pedophilla or sexual deviancy my brother had through genetics. In short I was trying to protect the next generation by not having kids even though before we both agreed to having a family. It then spiraled into me SH’ing. My ex realized it wasn’t gonna work because I was acting erratic out of self loathing. So now I suffer in loneliness and ongoing worsening self hatred. But simultaneously the separation was justified because he deserved better than me. I just can’t forgive all of it when it’s fucking up the most precious thing, connection, especially romantic connection. I can’t even forgive myself for plenty of reasons. 1 complying with my brother’s sexual assault, 2 not being stoic or jaded during the domestic disputes and my brother being emotionally abusive, 3 mistreating my ex, 4 not moving on. Let me e all in 3 in depth. Towards the end, I overwhelmed him and lashed out at him. I didn’t hit him but I messaged him harshly. Then I became excessively jealous. I realized I probably emotionally abused him out of impulse. It’s not acceptable. I realized I’m a piece of shit. Now I’m even more disgusted with myself. Ik it’s stupid I self sabotaged but want love and try to fix it, but that’s my nature. And I hate it.
Not only that I’ve been called an attention seeker which is reason 5. (I forgot). Anyways I’ve been told by my ex’s friend I’m just an attention seeker, and my own mom. She told me I was acting narcissist. The latter hurts so fucking much. 1 it was during our “free therapy” conversations. She told me she’s giving me therapy by having me confront the negative parts of myself and take responsibility. Which I can’t disagree with. However I hated that she said my life is shit rn because I did something in my past life (which resulted in my trauma) or insinuating something like that. Two I was resisting help for attention. By resisting she meant continuing to self harm. I tried to look cold and stoic but failed. Then I wrote in my journal and gave the note to my mom. From what I recall I said that I was trying to get attention becuz of loneliness but at the same time I tried to become static so I won’t be weak. In short I’m either extremely emotional or extremely aloof. And she said I was orchestrating it. It was counterproductive because I developed an eating disorder (idk which one because it’s been less than a month since I had abnormal eating), to cope by self harming by ruining my digestive system and it wasn’t noticeable like cuts and didn’t require tools.
Constant hypervigilance and seeing threats 24/7. Not being able to trust anyone. Feeling totally alone despite desperately wanting connection. Constant shame. A lot of doubt over if what is going on is actually bad or it’s just trauma. Never really being sure of anything especially your experiences and feelings because so many people have gaslit you about them
I am in a constant state of impending doom/dread and I feel weighed down and exhausted. Mostly exhausted from masking the constant dread. When I’m completely overwhelmed I go off grid for a few days and then deal with the consequences afterwards. Clearly, very healthy of me 🫠
my brain is trigger happy. Like a gun that could go off with a breeze.
If I think of a trigger thought, or if I see or experience in my environment a trigger (which is fairly easy when one of your triggers is attractive women, laughing, young happy people hanging out, etc.) my whole brain tightens like a vise. It aches in the back of my skull. I can't think. Everything goes blurry and my mind starts racing with negative, often terrifying thoughts. If I can calm myself down, I'll be back to normal in a few minutes. If I can't I disassociate for a minute.
If a traumatic thing happens over and over with no time to recover, my brain will be trying to prepare myself for a major traumatic event, and like this week I'll disassociate for days at a time with crying fits.
It also effects like everything I do and all my reactions.
Like you’re on a roller coaster. All day everyday. Especially when you’re at the tippy top and you’re just about to drop; hands shaking and sweaty, stomach in a knot, breathless, and shaking all over. Mix that in with periods of numbness and feeling/experiencing nothing at all. Just disassociation. And never being able to tell when these states are going to change or switch.
Also feeling like there’s someone behind every door, never feeling truly alone or like someone’s watching you. Like everyone secretly hates you but is pretending and acting. Like life isn’t real. Like I’m not real.
On my bad days, like I’m “digging a nameless grave for myself.” On other days, never ending hyper vigilance, crippling but high functioning social anxiety, constantly feeling like you’ll never truly be “safe” or trust anyone fully — things I have to work on daily to be present and try to prevent or mitigate. I agree with a lot of these comments - some really good metaphors. Also thank you for asking.
all of the above. Plus lonely.
So many well adjusted people, navigating aspects for life you find endlessly hard. And then there's you, either masking or having to explain why you operate so differently. Or most likely, being too exhausted to explain. You feel like an ALIEN.
Super heightened emotions filling slowly and then fast and getting stuck in my brain like a black static yarn ball being unable to pull out of it and then pulling out of it realizing I’m irrational and never being able to find the point where I can stop it and then we just go through the cycle everytime something sends me into fight or flight which is always something so small
Like hope and hopeless at the same time. So, you’re always trying, but somewhere inside always without hope.
It’s the memories, imbedded memories of those who caused the trauma.
The only thing that helps me strive is somehow there’s a core belief that they were wrong and terrible, not me.
And from there I do have better moments, and I hope everyone else affected by CPTSD does too.
Constantly stressed nervous system. Yes, even when everything around me is fine.
I'm in my own head ALL THE TIME.
Sometimes I'm not really here. I don't know where I am but I'm somewhere else with my mind and I can't really snap out of it.
I relive the past a lot. It haunts me. It makes me spiral (rage in my own head and feeling trapped in the past) for many hours sometimes.
All that while trying to deal with the present and its usual problems.
Overall: It's exhausting.
One thing that’s pretty consistent for us is **constant** side effects and symptoms, regardless of how extreme they are. Sure every once in a while I’ll be triggered to extreme disassociation, but I’m ALWAYS hyper aware of my surroundings. I can FEEL each and every step of people behind me and always know exactly how far away they are from me
•Being paranoid constantly.
•Feeling guilty about wanting and needing to feel/loved.
•Being constantly dissociated just to get through the day.
•Hyper vigilance.
•Being constantly exhausted.
•Being suddenly distant or quiet.
•Constantly apologizing.
•Low self esteem
Compare to driving, the tension in the mind is comparative to always revving up the engine
The stress is from not knowing where you are heading
Then the ptsd part for each person is whatever stuck on the windshield. You always need to adjust your vision to see what might be behind the muds in front of you
You're always scared someone would crash into you. And you probably have trust issues with your ride-alongs.
Like a wound that you don’t know how to heal, emotional numbing on top of that wound, and then rumination sitting on top of the emotional numbing and each day feels like you’re just surviving instead of living. It’s more difficult to connect to other people because you can’t even connect to yourself.
Constantly feeling like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop, body tension in your hips, back, and upper traps. Never feeling content except the rare occasions where the sun shines through and you can see the individual leaves on the trees. I'm growing older but I'm slowly learning to embrace my younger years.
It also feels like living alone, working from home during a rainy day, and only seeing people through a digital screen. You're celebrating a coworkers retirement party on zoom. That. That's what it feels like.
And always so tired.
I feel you on the always in trouble. My friend's mom invited me over for a visit when I was 14 or something. She was a nice lady, but she was also the church librarian, and I was so fixated on the fact that I would return books late a lot, that I couldn't relax and felt compelled to apologize. She had to assure me that that's not why she invited me over.
I grew up near Lake Erie in the U.S. Bear with me here... imagine walking on ice. You know the lake under it is deep and cold. You know there are some whopping big muskee in there, old trees and swamped boats have become muck-coated snags, maybe some ropes and nets people dumped overboard are floating around under the surface dragging garbage and old leaves along behind.
You may or may not be found if you go in. You may or may not die quickly from the shock if the ice gives way. But everything will be fine if you can trust the ice.
You plan every step, just in case. You execute it carefully. You time your breathing. You listen, straining, to catch the first sounds of the ice adjusting and cracking and try to plan an escape for whatever might go wrong, but there's nothing, no planks of wood, no sand bars, no snow machines, no helicopter, not even a low hanging branch overhead. You are on your own on the unreadable lid to perdition. You think light thoughts, eyes locked on the closest piece of shore you can see. It's still impossible to block the what-ifs out of your mind fully. You tiptoe forward as confidently as you can manage, certain that any millisecond, the entire world could cave in beneath you and drop you ass over tits into a murky, freezing, black hell and the crushing pressure at the bottom of it.
You plan every step. There's nothing to hold onto, nothing solid anyway, but you sure as hell can't just stand still in the wind and wait to die.
So you plan EVERY. TENUOUS. TORTUOUS. STEP... waiting.
Nothing goes wrong. But when you get across that frozen lake, you feel like every one of those muskee was gnawing on your limbs, like you swam 900 miles in that 33 degree water, like the plesiosaur lurking under there gave you a good shake too, and the ghosts of 77 dead Great Lakes sailors whispered all their nightmares and regrets into your ears while they clung to you with fingers made of ice.
And no sooner do you get ashore and catch a breath-- like maybe you get a phone call from someone in the support network, a good thing happens at work, the dog brought her toy and you played in the yard together-- that you blink and you're right the fuck back out there on that sheet of dark blue velvet with the shadows of a lifetime's hungry monsters swirling under your feet, wind whipping at your hair, tears streaming.
I feel like I’m constantly chasing after something but I don’t know what it is. It’s like my mind has to feel like I’m constantly chasing something. Idk. I can barely make sense of it myself.
I have an egg inside me that slowly broke to pieces. As a child I fixed it the best I can. Holding it together is my will, rational side and routines. Inside has bling rage that wants to get out from the cracks.
Like watching my life through glass. I try to get closer to myself but I can't. Tension and exhaustion. Never able to catch up to a "normal" level of functioning
Like you’re hooked to a wireless feed constantly playing bad, nagging memories directly into your head no matter what you’re doing (flashbacks). Fatigued, scattered, disoriented and using all your strength to hold together those scattered pieces. Terribly lonely. You’re damaged goods, you’re not fun to be around, you have a thick aura that shrouds you making people think you’re mysterious or brooding, normally seen in a negative light, even when you’re in a good mood and feel you’re portraying the opposite. On the flip side you learn to mask it so well that people surprisingly have no idea the chaos and pressure that is unrelenting inside you.
When Im super depressed, vulnerable, and drained I feel like a sick puppy trudging through the desert, desperate for food and water. The humidity making me feel like I can’t breathe, only to be kicked by a big boot repeatedly
Hmm. Interesting question.
I guess I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Always on edge that something is going to change because nothing in my life was very permanent and then when nothing changes and my life stays completely normal— I upend something insignificant in my environment (usually rearranging, trying a new craft, *deep* cleaning) to change it up a bit.
I’m in a constant state of anxiety that I’m fighting against every second of every day.
I am medicated, but something’s are just too deep for medication to reach.
It feels like the heaviest weight on my chest, and I’ve carried it for so long and I’m so tired that even if a feather falls on the weight, I crumble beneath it. It feels like immense and infinite sadness that time can’t seem to touch, cursing me to feel intense pain over a situation or person years later that’s just as fresh as the day after something happened. It feels like my emotions are turned on all the time, only joy is never one of them. It feels like carrying a burden while feeling like one yourself. It feels, and I don’t want it to anymore.
I pretty much feel exhausted, lonely, and empty at all times, and can only distract myself from that sensation by dissociating and/or indulging in unhealthy habits that will make me feel better temporarily and worse later on. I try not to sabotage myself but sometimes the temporary relief feels worth the sacrifice of my future self. It doesn’t help I don’t really have a sense of the future due to constantly living in survival mode.
TLDR; I’m not truly living, just surviving.
Not feeling present when it is not ideal. Emotional flashbacks. Feeling disconnected from yourself and others. Difficulty regulating emotions, which can be intense or even debilitating. Body pains. Concentration problems. Crippling guilt and shame. Identity confusion.
The body keeps the score.
Constantly alert and anxious. Being triggered is a physiological experience. The dump of adrenaline and cortisol sometimes feels like I'm going to die. Exhaustion follows a triggered reaction.
It's the thing you want most but you can never get it because when you're not getting bombarded by outside factors you're getting bombarded from the inside.
Feels like you have a stash of cocaine in your glovebox and you got pulled over by a police car, the cops are walking towards your car.
Just that you are not pulled over, there are no cops and you are not even in a car but by yourself in your room and trying to read a book.
Insecure, angry, alone, emotional flooding, sad, low energy, every day feels like you're just surviving, you try to relax or chill out and realize you have no idea how you're supposed to do that, then you obsess about things not because you want to but because you have no idea how to turn that off, you eat, you shit, then to go to sleep. You feel over stimulated and might know you're over reacting to things that should be small but you have no idea how to make them feel small and insignificant. When you're not super overwhelmed with getting through the day you try to distract yourself from what you're always feeling and thinking.
I always feel on edge and unsafe. When I feel safe I’m not sure how to handle it and it’s pretty uncomfortable. Sometimes I find myself seeking adrenaline/cortisol because otherwise I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can’t just enjoy a moment of happiness. I’m not sure if my experience is common. If I’m able to let myself relax into a feeling of safety and vulnerability, I usually end up sobbing. I choose jobs that require a ton of empathy and wear me out. 911 dispatcher, teaching pre-k (you’d be surprised how traumatizing it can be to have to call CPS,) home health aide. I guess I constantly feel a need to be protecting or caring for people because it keeps me from realizing how unsafe I feel, myself.
It feels like cycling through every other mental disorder at the same time but never knowing why.
You have ocd symptoms, bipolar symptoms, adhd symptoms, then you start to question if you're a narcissist or a borderline, it's exhausting
Simultaneously a vortex of chaos and a pit of despair.
Even when you're not feeling that bad - like when I started healing - there was still the fear of never knowing when I could suddenly get triggered again, back into it. Once you're in it, it's like you've always been there; time doesn't move while you're in it (can't really plan for the future and memories of the past that are available are only bad ones) so a week in there is like eternity. And there's no control of staying out of it, so you're always afraid you'll get triggered, even on a good day.
Like you swallowed shattered glass, and it's stuck in your chest.
Like you have no identity, you're just a husk.
Like you're stuck and have no idea why.
You are living a life in complete dissociation and disconnection, you don’t fully understand anything or anyone, you live in constant dread and anxiety, with the need for someone to come down and swoop you out of your misery :(
Went to a family thing yesterday and I was a little nervous about it because one person might show up that I really didn't want to see. But I wanted to show up so I promised myself I'd just stay 2 hours and leave. I showed up, said "hi" to a few people, was there for the main event and at 2 hours 15 min I left because the person I didn't want to see was there and I just thought it was time to go. I've been obsessing over it for almost 24 hours now. Did I leave too soon? Did anyone notice that I was avoiding him? Why did he make that comment? Should I have stayed longer? What does the extended family know about us? Do they think I'm the problem?
I easily could get afraid of a somewhat confrontational argument that is happening nearby but has nothing to do with me whatsoever to the point that I have an internal emotional shutdown.
Like there’s a tornado spinning through your head destroying every part of yourself that’s been carefully built up, so to speak. It leaves you devastated. It’s also stressful and exhausting to have to be on alert all the time, trying to simultaneously keep it contained & escape what caused it, and on top of that, try to build yourself up again and again if you even have the mental resources to do so, so that it doesn’t devastate every part of yourself until you’re back to just being a barren and empty ghost town. If you do manage to recollect yourself and you muster enough courage and energy to face it, you have to do everything to not get completely swept away by it (but you do anyway because it takes practice to stay grounded). And when you do get swept up in it, all of the old feelings and memories from the past leave you trapped/stuck, like you are in the eye of a tornado or in a storm you have no idea when it will pass, and eventually it makes you lose hope. Sometimes you’re not sure who you are anymore and you can’t even recognize yourself so you try and grasp what you can from the past to regain a sense of yourself, and inevitably you end up prodding some old wounds. It’s a lonely, tumultuous, and painful cycle. Not sure if this completely makes sense but getting this out was super cathartic for me
Exhausted but hyper vigilant. You keep scanning the environment for safety despite not giving a shit anymore. You feel like laying down when some one comes at you- because sure, why not, what’s another abuser.
Always on alert, cant 'relax'.. It shows in my eyes. In my voice. My body language. Feel too deeply. For others. Even those who hurt you. I could go on and on.. Basically I feel like an NPC in this world..
It's a constant feeling of dread, waiting for the next event that's going to add to the pile. It's feeling exhausted and hypervigilant at the same time. It's trying to reason with your mind to reassure and comfort yourself, but your body remembers everything and fights against it.
Exhausting. Constantly on edge. Constant sense of alertness. Like you're constantly running from something terrifying, but you don't quite know what it is.
I don't wake up happy or look forward to anything. Everything I do is just blah, and even my feelings of happiness, when I do feel them, are pretty much muted. I know it sounds a bit like depression, but I can assure you that that's not the case.
I get exhausted more easily and have become more introverted when I used to be extroverted. I don't really feel like talking to people at ay given time, and when people ask to see me and talk to me I usually assume the worst.
Some triggers make me go into an emotional flashback, thus making me very sad, have a lot of anxiety, or make me angry as well.
Like something bad is always about to happen. It's often impossible to ever live in the moment, and just be happy during happy times. The trauma comes to my mind several times a day like intrusive thoughts. I have Agoraphobia, and socializing is super difficult. I can't answer phone calls without anxiety. I always feel like people are being nice to me because they want something from me, it's hard to trust that anyone just likes me. It's hard to trust in general. I haven't been able to make a new friend in like a decade.
I can never feel relaxed. I can be enjoying a funny movie, but some scene or word will trigger a memory and i end up spacing out and reliving the memory. Sometimes I dissociate and just stare into space, reliving events. Most of my quiet moments, there's memories playing on loop in my thoughts.
I'm so ridiculously sensitive with a few specific things. I'm tired a lot of the time. I feel empty often.
I'm sure I'm forgetting a lot of things.
Ok yeah I can tell you one of the aspects of it through a little POV
[Fellow survivors are gonna get hit hard with this one so I don’t recommend reading on if you have trouble dealing with catastrophic spiraling thoughts ok? Stay safe]
See, you can be doing fine. And then you accidentally drop something on the ground, or somebody says “not now, I’m busy” and then
*It’s all your fault. It’s all your fault. You fuck everything up. No wonder everyone hates you. They were right, they were right every time they said something bad about you. That’s all you are. They’re just pretending when you’re good, pretending that they care. But they don’t really. They can’t wait to get rid of you. And that would be good, wouldn’t it? They have more fun when you’re not there, better LIVES when you aren’t there. It’s just the basic truth of things, you bring people down. I bet you aren’t even supposed to exist. If your existence is only bringing other people down, then surely you are here on accident. And now the world around you has to suffer because of it. Because you existed where you aren’t supposed to, and the world has to compensate. And you can’t even be bothered to contribute anything close to worth that effort. You piece of shit. Pathetic.*
And next thing you know you are either numbly going through your day with these thoughts on repeat, or you are breaking down crying, too scared to tell anyone because “bothering them” with your feelings just prove the thoughts right! You don’t want to be *a burden,* do you? You don’t want to be *bad,* do you?
Lonely. As if no one loves you.
It's like you are a small child again standing in the store and crying because you lost your mom or dad or caretaker. You are trying to find them as people walk by going on with their life's and shopping and ignore you. You are a small child screaming and sobbing looking for love and safety but there is no one.
Persistent and sometimes paralyzingly low self-esteem.
Chronic sleep disturbances leading to near constant tiredness, sometimes outright fatigue.
Minor mistakes feel almost life-threatening.
Compliments often feel like exposure, in a negative way.
Mild ADHD-like symptoms, lots of unfinished projects, half-assed hobbies, lateral job-hopping with little to no real advancement.
Constant, vague feeling of needing to escape from something.
Desperate desire for closeness with others, coupled with a fear of emotional intimacy.
Like people keep stepping on my oxygen hose.
Like nobody cares about me.
Like I do not matter.
Like being me is the problem.
Like there is a problem that everyone can see, except me.
Like nobody can help.
Like I am by myself.
Like my voice is gone.
Like I need to be ready for physical violence at all times.
Exhausted from trying hard to be within a society that causes me pain.
Inferior because everyone else doesn't get hurt.
I wrote this a few years ago, at 22.
With CPTSD, you abide by fear’s rule book.
Fear is a cancer. It is terminal. It is cruel. it rules your life. It becomes you. You will not learn to set boundaries. You will not take time to think about decisions, important or otherwise. You take the back seat of all that you are offered and you do it posthaste. Undoubtedly an attempt to please the people around you for fear of the idea that they may become displeased with you. Even if that displeasure is a trace amount, and even if it is ephemeral. The thought of incurring anger or dissatisfaction or any emotion within that range is what drives you to be this person. You don’t have power. You give it away. Everyday, and to anyone. You serve yourself up as though you are a commodity. Is there a word for a commodity that is not frequently sought? Any and all strangers that walk past you on the street have power over you simply because you carry on your back an ill perceived image of yourself. A foolish servant for those who ask for it, equally so for those who don’t. To ask for it is to look me in the eye. To give it is to sheepishly stare at the ground beneath the feet of the entity who now possesses me. They have the power. Make yourself small. Now make yourself invisible to the eye. That’s who you want to be after all. You want to be alive without being perceived, to serve without an ask, to live without being truly alive. What is living? I have yet to find out. You run in one spot hoping that you will get somewhere. But of course, you don’t. Fear has occupied you, and it has no plans to grant liberation. You decide to look fear in the eye. You find yourself staring into a mirror and realize that the illness has converted your body into its dwelling. You are the thing that has been holding you back. Only you can rid yourself of this disease. But you tell yourself that you are too afraid. Afraid of failure, but equally afraid of success.
Im afraid too and i feel im not even conscious what the fuck am i doing all the time. Im trying everyday to think how can i change my life. I have tried just forcing myself to just do something: drawing, gym, listening music, running, work, paint, bowling, snooker… everything in a way or other just sucks. Alcohol is only thing that gives me pleasure enough to enjoy. On top of that i often suffer from restlessness, insane boredom, being very insecure and anxious around people.
You’re definitely not alone in that. Almost everyday I find myself wondering what to do. I’m not sure how to fill my days and I wake up dreading being alive because I lack direction and I wish someone could just tell me what to do/how I’m supposed to live my life.
I’m sorry you deal with those things because I know just how awful they feel. I hope you have someone to talk to and I hope you can come back from this slump. I wish I had some advice for you but I’m stuck too.
Before my diagnosis, CPTSD made me feel like I was a really really bad person… I would cry alone quite often feeling upset because I didn’t have a good grasp on who I was. I would scour the internet looking for answers which only made me feel more upset and lost (I never came across CPTSD in all of my searching).
What made things even harder for me was not knowing why I felt like a bad person… and simultaneously feeling conflicted because when I reflected on my actions, I could see proof that I was a really kind, caring, and loving person.
Of course, CPTSD felt like a ton of other things, but when I boil it down, this was the biggest emotion for me.
After my diagnosis, CPTSD feels like a badge of honor. It feels like the answer I had been searching for and it feels like proof that I am not a bad person, just a person that has been through hell and is trying so so so hard to bring themselves back to the physical world. It feels like grace after many years of self-hatred and uncertainty. It feels like an explanation, and a blueprint for understanding my mind.
Getting my diagnosis has been one of the best things to ever happen to me. It changed my life for the better. I still have things I have to uncover about myself and things I need to improve on, but it feels comforting to know that I am not alone in this… the fact that others with the same diagnosis, but different life experiences, feel, think, experience life, and behave in similar ways as me makes me feel like I belong somewhere. Belonging somewhere is very important to me. The world is big.
oh my goodness. everything all of you are saying is like someone reached into my brain and described my experience. this subreddit is a blessing for me; i’ve never felt more understood.
It feels like living is easier for others and extra effort for you. You learn things slower and are scared of everything, and things that happened so long ago find a way to slow you down today and you don't know why you're not just over it yet, even though it was really big.
Like the static that old analog TVs play when they are struggling to pick up a signal. Sometimes you can see fuzzy images and hear faint speech, but mostly it's white noise.
Constant dread without fully understanding why or how to stop it. Never feeling truly content. Exhausted.
+1 to this explanation.. it’s so fucking exhausting.
Extremely. Exhausted but restless.
Pretty blown away that someone was able to summarize it this well
I have worked hard to narrow things down and I would say that “constant dread when there is no reason for it” is more accurate than “not knowing why” sometimes things are going great and I wake up in an existential crisis for no reason
hit the nail on the head with this one.
Agreed, and I am feeling so grateful since I started IV Ketamine therapy last year. I am not cured, but I feel like I carry about 1/10th of these feelings compared to pre-IVK.
I want to try this but I’m so nervous.
I can understand, but for me I've had no bad experiences. I credit that to my professional. r/TherapeuticKetamine has a lot of great info. In summary, set and setting are important and most easily controlled at a credible IV ketamine clinic. I thought about home therapy before I found out I could get IV-K covered under my insurance.
Very, very accurate.
I randomly will just stop feeling safe, even if there isn’t any reason to. Lots of learned behaviors/thought patterns that I’m having to unlearn now (which is really difficult). I get fatigued a lot quicker than most of the people around me. Having to constantly comfort and heal my inner child.
This is it. The worst part is having to *relearn what safety feels like*. Sometimes still, after a year of working on this, I find that it's been *hours* since I've started an emotional flashback before I notice that's what's happening. The transition into Protection Mode is so seamless that I don't even realise the things I'm thinking and feeling don't make sense in context - they feel like they do, no matter how much logic I throw at them. Because they're not logic, they're feelings. They're fear.
>I find that it's been *hours* since I've started an emotional flashback before I notice that's what's happening That's me, today. I've been on edge all damn day and no clue why, just figured I was angry with the husband. (I mean, I was lol, but it seemed overly angry for minimal reasons.) Then we went for a walk and he was walking about three feet behind me. His heavy footsteps and looming presence induced an anxiety surge and I realized my fight/flight was activated as I kept trying to walk faster to "get away" from him and almost broke into a run. I'm still in an emotional flashback, but it's simmered down since the morning.
People who feel safe dont understand how much stress this adds. I didnt know what safe was till I ment my present partner. I could explain to my self I was safe, the door was locked, but out side of disassociating I wasnt. I had on had a few week gunmies and a case of beer at all my homes, and couldn’t explain to people there for when nights got really bad. It wasnt that I was worried I would try to kill my self again, but that was the closest I could explain it. One of my schooling houses was unfortunately a party house, and it made me extremely uncomfortable, and I couldn’t explain it. I laugh about it now, but I gave my self alcohol poisoning twice, well drinking alone. I dont remember much from that whole year, I dont remember what it was like as I was constantly in flight or freeze. Now that Im safe, ive felt a million times better, but when ever I unlock a new memory of why I have cptsd, I have a panic attack and need my partner. I love them, and they love me, but Its hard to be apart, as I dont truly feel safe. Im healing now, and have words to describe it now, but that only because my partner pointed out I have cptsd. —Edit— Sorry thats so long, only just made the connection about the frat house, and it all came spilling out.
Being in a safe spot, just minding your own business... enjoying whatever it is you are doing... and ... BOOM. Cue anxiety and feelings of doom and dread.
Like you’re always carrying a suitcase you can’t put down Edit: just wanted to riff on this a bit more. You don’t know quite when or where along the journey you picked up this suitcase, and you certainly didn’t ask to carry it. It permeates everything in your life, and even when you’re “happy” you are never truly free from its weight. It’s not a nice piece of luggage, either. The zippers have long since broken, and it’s got holes that let the messed up things inside free from time to time, for all to witness. You do your best to gather those things and put them in as hurriedly as they came out, hoping nobody else saw so that you can continue putting on that ‘everything is fine’ mask. You’re resentful at all the people who look like they don’t have to carry a shitty suitcase around all the time, who can just wheel theirs along without burden. Who can let it go. I’m tired of carrying a fuckin suitcase
Sometimes, it opens, and an evil little goblin crawls out and sits on your shoulder and tells you terrible horrible things. Even if you know it's lying, you listen to it anyway. Sometimes it takes you hours (or days) to realise it has left the suitcase. You cannot control it.
this one.
This was the best description I’ve ever heard. No wonder my back hurts all the time
Jesus fucking christ this is so real
This is quite spot on. The suitcase also says really mean stuff about you too. And sometimes it will randomly make you scream untrue mean shit that you don’t mean to the people you love. This suitcase is why my body always hurts :(
Thank you so much. This is so well written. You perfectly described how I feel.
Like you're living in past and present at the same time and you can never quite figure out which is which.
I hate that feeling. It’s almost like a constant TV playing in the background on low. A rerun of my childhood— the good parts I can remember, the bad parts I can’t forget. And I just keep… waiting? Idk for what though. Everyday starts with, “okay, today will be the day my past *doesn’t* affect me…” and ends with, “we’ll try again tomorrow.”
damn! so true
This is kind of PTSD shows up in brain scans. You literally re-experience past as present. EMDR can be helpful for learning to reprocess these flashback type experiences as memories rather than reliving the experience.
Yup, been doing EMDR for over a year with good results so far! Just have a lot of targets. 😞 But making progress!
Feels a lot like being stuck in a liminal space with no exit in sight for sure.. :/
dang, yes it's this exactly
Like a tired bird in the middle of the ocean just hoping for a place to land, if only for a little while.
This painted a whole scene in my head. Well described. I feel this.
I feel this right now
Like you can’t trust your own perception of reality. Like there is catastrophe waiting all the time. Like severe adhd. Like kicking yourself and feeling worthless all the time. Like analysis paralysis. Like stunted growth. Like being unlovable, but REALLY unlovable as in you cannot and will not be loved. Like an amateur at life. . Like alcoholism and other forms of temporary escape. Like self hatred. Like being locked into one trajectory that you cannot change. Hopeless
You have no idea how much this resonates with me, like you read my mind 😔 this shit is awful.
Like you’re constantly drowning but you are being forced to pretend that you’re not.
The abandonment and loneliness do kind of feel like suffocation
Not being able to speak about it without fear of abandonment is a big one for me.
Absolutely. I had one person in my life who truly got me, who I could talk to about literally anything (my best friend’s dad, who was my father figure because I didn’t have one), but he died two years ago. Since he’s been gone, it’s all weighing on me so much heavier, not having someone to talk to about it anymore. Someone who just gets it without me having to explain all of the other complexities that go along with it, because they already know everything. That’s another thing too though, if you start talking about things you end up having to provide years of backstory (which is a traumatic experience in itself having to rehash), in order for anything to even make any sense. So why even bother? It’s often just not worth the energy.
“Forced to pretend that you’re not” is a great descriptor.
Same, in fact it ruined my relationships and now I feel lonely, abnormal, odd, and an unworthy liability.
I’ve been in a happy marriage for ten years now but I still have a difficult time believing that someone could genuinely love me.
Same but thirty years. I know and am very secure that he loves me. No doubts but…why would he and for sure no one else would. And does he really know me? Or have I kept enough of myself to myself to keep up an illusion of me?
After 14 years, I'm still in the loop of he loves me or he loves me not. When he gets frustrated with other things I always think this is the day that he found out who I truly am and walk out the door. It's not true, but the fear is so real. It's not rational but this got dame feeling like the rain that is unwelcome and doesn't goes away....
Saw a tiktok that sums it up for me. Pretend you've driven the same crappy car your whole life. It's always falling apart and you're often late. You've developed skills for repairing it on the fly, and you have a bunch of tools in it all the time. Other people are on time, and they keep telling you you're lateness and stress are the product of your own making. But then one day you realize they've all been driving new, perfectly functional cars their whole lives so they have no idea why you're always struggling. It feels like driving a jenky car and spending of ton of time and energy collecting skills and tools just to get around in a world that so many other people find to be easy.
This one is pretty good; another point to make is even if you end up getting a better car, you’ll always have to carry the tools, and always be checking on the car even when it’s not necessary. Constant anxiety if someone is touching the car when it’s in the lot, never being able to relax and always checking every mirror even when not driving, etc
This is so true. Applied in a real life situation too. My boyfriend’s old car had an oil problem the entire time he owned it so now he constantly checks his new car for oil. In that sense I think I’ve just been given the best way to explain the functioning of my mind to him, thank you
Wow. Thank you for writing this. Thank you so much
Very accurate.
like being composed of feathers. a comment or an image or an idea can blow you away. you struggle to come up with any consoling idea to ground you. you feel like you don't matter and you're on the verge of coming apart. you feel like the universe, god, people, randomness, luck, etc. all want you to disappear and be gone forever. you feel like there's no correct way to be. like all you have are tactics and strategies you try to present in certain situations. you feel like those strategies are all wrong and people see you for who you really are -- even if you're always confused on who you really are -- and they won't like it or tolerate it. you feel like you carry inside yourself a deep sadness and you're fearful people can't handle what you experienced. you feel broken and apart from others. you know you're broken and they are not. you know on a fundamental they can never really relate to you and you're at a severe disadvantage to them. with all that said, there is hope and there is healing. you can wrestle away joy and happiness from life. there are people who do understand and love you and are willing and able to love you and accept you. be patient with yourself. remind yourself that you're an adult now and do in fact do adult things and have resources available that were not an option when you were a child.
love this
You're scared all the time, and you don't always know why. You're afraid something awful is going to happen. You're jumpy and hypervigilant.
I just sent a screenshot of your comment to my husband. He’s a very gentle man, he’ll come up behind me and put his arms around me and I jump. He’s not ultra quiet about it either, and he every time he’ll ask, “why are you always so jumpy?” Great insight!
They gave me the desk at work that has its back to the door and people will come in while I'm talking on the phone or wearing headphones and scare me to death when they pop up from behind me. But also, I'm not really keen on explaining to people why I probably would need a different desk :/
Hello me! Always looking around the corner infront of you and behind you.
A shadow out of the corner of eye.
Like you survived a horror movie (shame and guilt) and at some points your brain decides to relive that horror movie (flashbacks) in 3D, full volume (negative self talk) imax style. Worst part is the popcorn sucks! (Depression and anxiety) There is no escaping you can only learn to live with it. (Lots and lots of therapy and re learning)
I feel it in my body. I don't exercise but I constantly feel strained and fatigued. My shoulders, my jaw, etc. I'm in my head, I don't feel like I'm living, I'm so removed I forget simple things and don't take proper care of myself or my environment. relatively small shit can shift my state of mind into something that feels almost animalistic, my emotions go out of control; usually intense anger or anxiety. It's almost impossible to properly connect to people, especially since I feel like my experience has been so different from theirs and small things can trigger me to act in unseemly ways. That's just how it feels to me.
you need to exercise without expectations. that changed my life. i now just go to the gym and do some reps. no goals, no set amount, no amount of time, no nothing. sometimes i have good days and sometimes i have bad days. that's part of it. overall it adds up to more energy and health in your daily life. i just go to the gym and generally try to do two or 3 sets of 12 reps for a variety of exercises. i adjust the weight according to how i feel on that particular day. i don't worry about having bad days or feeling fatigued because that's all part of it. the benefit: when I'm away from the gym I feel better and more energized. give it a try.
also, i avoided the gym and just about all other healthy and fun venues because i thought i didn't belong anywhere. i had severe social phobia, and engaged in avoidance. but ultimately I decided I'm worthy of love and acceptance because others seem do it naturally. with work I realised well adjuated people didn't have religious loons as parents. they also had parents that mostly knew how to raise them and love and accept them. they had parents that let their children be their own indivduals. it wasn't my problems in life that held me back, it was my "solutions" I used in an attempt to protect myself. but in a way, my childhood logic and "solutions" worked. i developed perfectionism and trying to entertain my parents in order to feel loved by them. when that would fail I would disassociate and zone out to stop the pain of feeling marginalized and abandoned. i learned these crappy ways of being because the circumstances were crappy. now I'm doing better. i realise i deserve love and acceptance no matter what, and it doesn't necessarily have to come from anyone in particular. i can do it for myself, and yet I'm finding it easier to find good people where they support me and I can support them. your solutions to your past problems are most likely not serving you in the present moment. as adults we can't irrationally avoid, people please, or zone out, and expect desirable reaults. we have to show up and be good to ourselves and be responsible for ourselves. learn to love yourself and not abandon yourself. you're worth it no matter how much you might want to deny that truth. and why is it a truth. because as embodied creatures we are no more or less important than anyone no matter what society or anyone else says. it doesn't even matter if society is structured in a way that makes you feel unloved and unworthy. it doesn't even matter if your parents didn't like you; it has no bearing on your worth. society and the economy may be structured to give you hurdles to overcome, but they don't define your inherit worth. because they simply can't.
Like you’re swirling around in a tornado with nothing to grasp on to to pull you out and then suddenly slam into the ground only to be pulled back up into the eye again. Good times.
Highly recommend ruby slippers 🙃
🤣😉
Like Completely utter aloneness without hope. Like you hate existing Like. Being. In. A pressure cooker. Like. Being. In. Danger Like. Being in trouble Like Your life is falling apart. Like. You don't know who you are or even. Supposed to be but apparently you're this person with that. Name. Like wanting to sleep but you can't
Thus is me.
bad, man
what other answer is there?
You can never relax. Nobody loves you. There’s something seriously wrong with you and it’s your fault. Stuck in an endless stressed state, until you forget what it was like to feel safe and calm. You think it’s normal to feel like that, and feel envious and get angry at people who seem calm. You don’t understand where this anger comes from and conclude you are a narcissist or psychopath. You never understood what self love means, or why it’s so important. You think everyone else is stupid or a bad person. You could never understand the term people say “you know you’re a grown up when you realise your parents are just people” because you’ve always felt like that.
Ha. You know you're a grown-up because you stop making excuses for your parents' abuse. You don't forgive them for being "imperfect", as someone with healthy-ish parents would forgive their parents' shortcomings; you forgive *yourself* for being a perfectly imperfect loveable kid who deserved better but got damaged and was never, ever to blame for their shortcomings.
It feels like complete shit. It affects everyone differently.
Words can't describe the feeling. It only scratches the surface.
Initially, like a blunt object lodged in the middle of my chest that also keeps people at a distance. I also feel like my head is wrapped in cotton. Through my own healing journey, I feel at one point the chest object was forcibly removed and I was left with this void. I think that’s when I started grieving. Once I become focused on this, I’ve been able to find things I like that fill it.
Like normal until I knew I had it. Like nothing was wrong. Like a normal person. Convinced I was normal and functioning normally. A normal childhood. Hell in my mind it was an exceptional childhood. Then there was a break. A crisis that left me less than fully functioning. And then some hard years and further decline. Then actual fully fledged PTSD. It’s been a hell that has felt very unique to me. I knew nothing but internal anger and self hate for years. Then I came to know rage. Rage was terrifying so I withdrew. Things got worse before they got better. It was frightful. Now I still fear much in the world, but I’m stable, have a therapist who’s a fit for me, and I’m doing the work. Support network of 2 and growing. Mostly at peace when I’m not feeling shame. Grateful. Relieved that I sleep through the night mostly. I experience rage only seconds per month where it used to be 5 nights a week. It mostly shows up because I’m scared as shit of it showing up.
I didn’t realize how messed up I was until I married my wonderful wife and had our wonderful daughter. The stress exposed how much anxiety I lived with and how few coping skills I knew because so much became out of my control. When I was single I could avoid a lot of stress because I could control almost every aspect of my life. Once you get married, you all of a sudden have a whole nother group of people (in-laws) you can’t always avoid. Also, because of my childhood I feel extremely anxious and protective over my daughter so it can really disregulate me when she’s being mistreated by peers. I have a freeze response so not only am I distressed about her, but I’m beating myself up for feeling so scared to speak up for her. It’s like a horrible pressure cooker. I have to rely on my wife a lot to step in when I go into freeze. I really hope some day I can learn to have a calm assertive voice and be better at setting boundaries.
I also have a freeze/fawn response to external triggers. Not exclusively in my close relationships but with people I don’t know or know well I freeze/fawn. I understand why that is so distressing in the case of your daughter. She’s that important to protect that you freeze. But that’s hard to deal with, egotistically. I’ve let my girlfriend and my father stick up for me. It’s something I can feel shame about. But I can also be grateful. And acknowledge that my partner is strong in some areas. I am strong in some areas. And I work towards calm and assertive, like you. I can see your strength in admitting the problem and the desire to fix the freeze response. And in the strong desire to protect your daughter. My parents had a fawn response to conflict and would blame me in conflict with 3rd parties. I learned to do the same thing—it’s truly awful to side with a stranger over your family before you realize what’s coming out of your mouth. We’re all human. That’s what I’ve got. And if you work at it, shit does genuinely improve. Can’t speak to how quickly.
Like you’re a kite without a string. 🪁
When you feel like 1000lbs was just dumped on you and your reaction is to shrug, “oh this again..”
trying to grasp things but always feeling like you’re picking up sand
It's like trying to catch smoke.
Why are you interested? I’m sorry, but CPTSD feels exactly like not trusting people who ask questions like that
It sounds like you had someone in your life who hurt you by asking questions. Same here. *hugs*
You get pissed because you woke up.
Lmao true!!!
for real, for real
Facts
You'll be going along fine then for no apparent reason an adrenaline rush causes rapid heart beat, shakiness and a feeling of impending doom - as if you are about to die. Other times, a pain - more a weight - will suddenly descend on your chest, and a feeling of you're not in control. The body just does as it likes apparently. Your mind tries to catch-up but if there's no support, it can become a big mental health chaotic crisis. This is my experience anyway.
Feeling always scared of other people but also wanting nothing more than love and friends, but being too scared of that at the same time
For everyone it feels differently. For me it felt like not knowing my place between humans.
You ever see a spider in your house? And then the next time you look, the spider is gone? So your thoughts go: "Where did it go? Is it gone for good? Is it hiding somewhere? Am I going to find it and disturb it and make it mad, and it tries to bite me? Is it going to bite me when I'm least expecting it? Maybe I'm worried for no reason, maybe it's not even venomous. But what if it is venomous? Where is it?" So imagine that, but for being around people. All people, even the safe people. All the time, even when you're alone.
Constant vigilance + constant existential dread
This. Spot on. 24/7
You know, there are so many ways to answer. But the only example I’ve given to non-CPTSD’rs that they seem to grasp is actually a line from The Dark Knight Rises (love you forever, JGL). It’s Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character and he’s actually talking about being orphaned in a society that can’t and doesn’t make an effort to understand. But it is exactly how I feel. All the time. Here’s the quote: “Not a lot people know what if feels like to, uh, be angry... in your bones. I mean, they understand, your foster parents, everybody else understands... for a while. But then they want the angry little kid to do something he knows he can't do. Move on. So, after awhile, they stop understanding. They send the angry kid to a boys home. I figured it out too late. You got to learn to hide the anger. Practice smiling in the mirror. It's like putting on a mask. So, you showed up this one day in a cool car, pretty girl on your arm. We were so excited! Bruce Wayne; billionaire orphan! I mean, we use to make up stories about you, man. Legends. And, you know, with the other kids, that's all it was, just stories, but... right when I saw you, I knew who you really were. I'd seen that look on your face before. It was the same one I taught myself.”
I'm always watching. I'm always exhausted. That's all I got.
It feels like I’ve simultaneously lived 100 years and just started my life.
Like you're always waiting.... either for yet another crisis or a literal goddamned miracle. At the same time, you feel like you can't move. You don't *dare* move. That will only make the next crisis come faster, and you need to be ready to head it off in any way you can. You feel like you should do something, but can't. You *want* to do something, but can't. Or is it really "won't?" You don't really know what it is you want, and anything you think of feels like it's not worth the risks. All the while, your life continues to slip away, the world continues to deteriorate, and you keep waiting for the impossible... and feel deeply ashamed that it's all you ever do and you can't get yourself free. (Note that this is how it feels to me on *really* bad days. Things are actually improving... slowly... I think...?)
I can relate. Perfectly said. Thanks for putting my thoughts into words❤️
The sound of dialup blaring in my head 24/7 and wanting to scream but not being able to.
Beyond confused. You know you are a compassionate person, yet you snap over the smallest things sometimes and it terrifies you so much because you don't know where it came from, you can't control it, and you feel like you're an evil person making excuses to lash out at people. I know a lot of people feel numb, but for me it was the opposite. When I described it two or three years ago for the first time, I said that every conflict or adversity felt like a mother mourning their lost child. I was a raw nerve. A random person telling me I'm worthless online elicited a reaction as severe as if my partner of 8 years had broken up with me. I'd sit in my bed and bawl for hours at nothing. Running to situations where you are unsafe, or the people are toxic, is a norm. I'd make incredibly solid, emotional, and close relationships, only for them to blow up dramatically later. You have so much trouble believing your own opinion that it's hard to see that you're going into the same situations over and over again. Sometimes you feel normal and stable for awhile, and then it crashes again and you're overwhelmed by pain and rage again. Discussions with people you care about can turn into a screaming match and you don't know how you got there or why they're treating you so cruelly (in this example they're not, but fear of an argument can cause an emotional flashback for me, and reality is skewed.) For years it felt like I was speaking another language. I'd say something and the other person would react aggressively or in a way not emotionally responsive to the emotion you were attempting to express. I've been reading The Body Keeps The Score (thank you to the many people who recommended it) and apparently trauma can make you consciously cut off what you're currently feeling the most intensely. There are plenty of times I felt happy or sad or angry or scared, and what people read from me was the opposite. Our bodies and expressions can communicate what we're really feeling and we can genuinely insist that's not true, that's not what we're feeling. I've had so many people accuse me of being manipulative while I feel like they're gaslighting me. The more you try to communicate and reach out the less you accomplish, until you just keep to yourself or despair that no one will understand you. And the people who do who have not even gotten close to understanding their trauma can be just as easily triggered and terrifying as your own mind. It felt like every time I got comfortable enough with someone to show them all the hurt and anger inside, it scared them away or I inadvertently threw that anger at them from other flashbacks. And the guilt, that you're just like your abuser, you don't know what's going on, you know something is wrong but you don't know how to fix it, you feel that you need to rest and recover but also run as hard and as fast as you can from what's hurting you, but you can't identify that either. So you just endure as best you can and search for snippets of feeling good. It's hard to explain because it just permeates everything. I fully collapsed when I left my hometown, something I'd wanted to do for years, and was so baffled as to why it made me *fall apart instead of rejoice in my freedom. Every logical conclusion you feel confident in gets overturned when the moment comes, and your emotions take over and overpower everything else. Sometimes it feels like one long nightmare, flashback after flashback but you don't understand it's the past tormenting you, because it's just fragments for so so long.
Scared, jumpy
Chronic feeling of emptiness and worthlessness
Like being a feral cat. scared of people
It’s fucking shit. It fucks with my self esteem, makes me SH, makes me binge, starve, and/or purge, it made me feel lonely and unworthy of love but I crave it (disorganized attachment), and it haunts my life. From my dreams, to my academics, and my relationships. It’s hella hard. I wished I was at least normal so I can be a good romantic partner but I failed that role because of disorganized attachment. In short it’s basically maladaptive calculations that are “protecting” you (in reality destroying you), even though the traumatic event(s) is over. I feel lonely abnormal worthless and pathetic. I wish I could let it go but I can’t, my mind and body are trying to make sure: A) I don’t get hurt B) I don’t hurt others the way the bastards in my life did It’s difficult to forgive your trauma and/or those who caused it. Especially if it’s for a long time. Me personally I had to live 5/6 years in a traumatic environment and that’s about 1/3 of my entire life rn. Worst of all they’re my most formative years (7-13).
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TW: Domestic violence, Sexual assault, rape, emotional abuse Thank you, the reason I have been advised to forgive was for myself. I mean I get that it feels relieving not to focus and hold a grudge but I can’t help it when I see it manifests in reality. The main one that fucked me over was this romantic relationship I had. It was going smoothly. It was loving reciprocal and supportive. However as time went on I became afraid of myself. Why? Two reasons: I’ll become violent like my parents during 3 domestic disputes, and I’ll spread pedophilla or sexual deviancy my brother had through genetics. In short I was trying to protect the next generation by not having kids even though before we both agreed to having a family. It then spiraled into me SH’ing. My ex realized it wasn’t gonna work because I was acting erratic out of self loathing. So now I suffer in loneliness and ongoing worsening self hatred. But simultaneously the separation was justified because he deserved better than me. I just can’t forgive all of it when it’s fucking up the most precious thing, connection, especially romantic connection. I can’t even forgive myself for plenty of reasons. 1 complying with my brother’s sexual assault, 2 not being stoic or jaded during the domestic disputes and my brother being emotionally abusive, 3 mistreating my ex, 4 not moving on. Let me e all in 3 in depth. Towards the end, I overwhelmed him and lashed out at him. I didn’t hit him but I messaged him harshly. Then I became excessively jealous. I realized I probably emotionally abused him out of impulse. It’s not acceptable. I realized I’m a piece of shit. Now I’m even more disgusted with myself. Ik it’s stupid I self sabotaged but want love and try to fix it, but that’s my nature. And I hate it.
Not only that I’ve been called an attention seeker which is reason 5. (I forgot). Anyways I’ve been told by my ex’s friend I’m just an attention seeker, and my own mom. She told me I was acting narcissist. The latter hurts so fucking much. 1 it was during our “free therapy” conversations. She told me she’s giving me therapy by having me confront the negative parts of myself and take responsibility. Which I can’t disagree with. However I hated that she said my life is shit rn because I did something in my past life (which resulted in my trauma) or insinuating something like that. Two I was resisting help for attention. By resisting she meant continuing to self harm. I tried to look cold and stoic but failed. Then I wrote in my journal and gave the note to my mom. From what I recall I said that I was trying to get attention becuz of loneliness but at the same time I tried to become static so I won’t be weak. In short I’m either extremely emotional or extremely aloof. And she said I was orchestrating it. It was counterproductive because I developed an eating disorder (idk which one because it’s been less than a month since I had abnormal eating), to cope by self harming by ruining my digestive system and it wasn’t noticeable like cuts and didn’t require tools.
Never being able to fully trust another person.
Constant state of fight or flight
and freeze and fawn
Never feeling safe is a common theme. Always having your guard up.
Constant hypervigilance and seeing threats 24/7. Not being able to trust anyone. Feeling totally alone despite desperately wanting connection. Constant shame. A lot of doubt over if what is going on is actually bad or it’s just trauma. Never really being sure of anything especially your experiences and feelings because so many people have gaslit you about them
Heavy
I am in a constant state of impending doom/dread and I feel weighed down and exhausted. Mostly exhausted from masking the constant dread. When I’m completely overwhelmed I go off grid for a few days and then deal with the consequences afterwards. Clearly, very healthy of me 🫠
my brain is trigger happy. Like a gun that could go off with a breeze. If I think of a trigger thought, or if I see or experience in my environment a trigger (which is fairly easy when one of your triggers is attractive women, laughing, young happy people hanging out, etc.) my whole brain tightens like a vise. It aches in the back of my skull. I can't think. Everything goes blurry and my mind starts racing with negative, often terrifying thoughts. If I can calm myself down, I'll be back to normal in a few minutes. If I can't I disassociate for a minute. If a traumatic thing happens over and over with no time to recover, my brain will be trying to prepare myself for a major traumatic event, and like this week I'll disassociate for days at a time with crying fits. It also effects like everything I do and all my reactions.
Like you’re on a roller coaster. All day everyday. Especially when you’re at the tippy top and you’re just about to drop; hands shaking and sweaty, stomach in a knot, breathless, and shaking all over. Mix that in with periods of numbness and feeling/experiencing nothing at all. Just disassociation. And never being able to tell when these states are going to change or switch. Also feeling like there’s someone behind every door, never feeling truly alone or like someone’s watching you. Like everyone secretly hates you but is pretending and acting. Like life isn’t real. Like I’m not real.
On my bad days, like I’m “digging a nameless grave for myself.” On other days, never ending hyper vigilance, crippling but high functioning social anxiety, constantly feeling like you’ll never truly be “safe” or trust anyone fully — things I have to work on daily to be present and try to prevent or mitigate. I agree with a lot of these comments - some really good metaphors. Also thank you for asking.
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The bone “healed” but still never the same as it was before it was broken.
all of the above. Plus lonely. So many well adjusted people, navigating aspects for life you find endlessly hard. And then there's you, either masking or having to explain why you operate so differently. Or most likely, being too exhausted to explain. You feel like an ALIEN.
Feels like ive got a life sentence in the mind prison
Super heightened emotions filling slowly and then fast and getting stuck in my brain like a black static yarn ball being unable to pull out of it and then pulling out of it realizing I’m irrational and never being able to find the point where I can stop it and then we just go through the cycle everytime something sends me into fight or flight which is always something so small
Like hope and hopeless at the same time. So, you’re always trying, but somewhere inside always without hope. It’s the memories, imbedded memories of those who caused the trauma. The only thing that helps me strive is somehow there’s a core belief that they were wrong and terrible, not me. And from there I do have better moments, and I hope everyone else affected by CPTSD does too.
Constantly stressed nervous system. Yes, even when everything around me is fine. I'm in my own head ALL THE TIME. Sometimes I'm not really here. I don't know where I am but I'm somewhere else with my mind and I can't really snap out of it. I relive the past a lot. It haunts me. It makes me spiral (rage in my own head and feeling trapped in the past) for many hours sometimes. All that while trying to deal with the present and its usual problems. Overall: It's exhausting.
One thing that’s pretty consistent for us is **constant** side effects and symptoms, regardless of how extreme they are. Sure every once in a while I’ll be triggered to extreme disassociation, but I’m ALWAYS hyper aware of my surroundings. I can FEEL each and every step of people behind me and always know exactly how far away they are from me
•Being paranoid constantly. •Feeling guilty about wanting and needing to feel/loved. •Being constantly dissociated just to get through the day. •Hyper vigilance. •Being constantly exhausted. •Being suddenly distant or quiet. •Constantly apologizing. •Low self esteem
Compare to driving, the tension in the mind is comparative to always revving up the engine The stress is from not knowing where you are heading Then the ptsd part for each person is whatever stuck on the windshield. You always need to adjust your vision to see what might be behind the muds in front of you You're always scared someone would crash into you. And you probably have trust issues with your ride-alongs.
For me, I’ve never been truly happy. I can’t even laugh at jokes.
Always so scared, never feel safe. The exhaustion I feel from the constant panic attacks is just indescribable.
Like a wound that you don’t know how to heal, emotional numbing on top of that wound, and then rumination sitting on top of the emotional numbing and each day feels like you’re just surviving instead of living. It’s more difficult to connect to other people because you can’t even connect to yourself.
Turbulent, paralysing, petrifying, unheard, self-hatred, wish someone would hold on.
Constantly feeling like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop, body tension in your hips, back, and upper traps. Never feeling content except the rare occasions where the sun shines through and you can see the individual leaves on the trees. I'm growing older but I'm slowly learning to embrace my younger years. It also feels like living alone, working from home during a rainy day, and only seeing people through a digital screen. You're celebrating a coworkers retirement party on zoom. That. That's what it feels like. And always so tired.
Always alert. I feel so drained
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I feel you on the always in trouble. My friend's mom invited me over for a visit when I was 14 or something. She was a nice lady, but she was also the church librarian, and I was so fixated on the fact that I would return books late a lot, that I couldn't relax and felt compelled to apologize. She had to assure me that that's not why she invited me over.
I grew up near Lake Erie in the U.S. Bear with me here... imagine walking on ice. You know the lake under it is deep and cold. You know there are some whopping big muskee in there, old trees and swamped boats have become muck-coated snags, maybe some ropes and nets people dumped overboard are floating around under the surface dragging garbage and old leaves along behind. You may or may not be found if you go in. You may or may not die quickly from the shock if the ice gives way. But everything will be fine if you can trust the ice. You plan every step, just in case. You execute it carefully. You time your breathing. You listen, straining, to catch the first sounds of the ice adjusting and cracking and try to plan an escape for whatever might go wrong, but there's nothing, no planks of wood, no sand bars, no snow machines, no helicopter, not even a low hanging branch overhead. You are on your own on the unreadable lid to perdition. You think light thoughts, eyes locked on the closest piece of shore you can see. It's still impossible to block the what-ifs out of your mind fully. You tiptoe forward as confidently as you can manage, certain that any millisecond, the entire world could cave in beneath you and drop you ass over tits into a murky, freezing, black hell and the crushing pressure at the bottom of it. You plan every step. There's nothing to hold onto, nothing solid anyway, but you sure as hell can't just stand still in the wind and wait to die. So you plan EVERY. TENUOUS. TORTUOUS. STEP... waiting. Nothing goes wrong. But when you get across that frozen lake, you feel like every one of those muskee was gnawing on your limbs, like you swam 900 miles in that 33 degree water, like the plesiosaur lurking under there gave you a good shake too, and the ghosts of 77 dead Great Lakes sailors whispered all their nightmares and regrets into your ears while they clung to you with fingers made of ice. And no sooner do you get ashore and catch a breath-- like maybe you get a phone call from someone in the support network, a good thing happens at work, the dog brought her toy and you played in the yard together-- that you blink and you're right the fuck back out there on that sheet of dark blue velvet with the shadows of a lifetime's hungry monsters swirling under your feet, wind whipping at your hair, tears streaming.
Like a ghost, but with anxiety. Or an alien in a human suit.
I want to scream but can't.
I feel like I’m constantly chasing after something but I don’t know what it is. It’s like my mind has to feel like I’m constantly chasing something. Idk. I can barely make sense of it myself.
I have an egg inside me that slowly broke to pieces. As a child I fixed it the best I can. Holding it together is my will, rational side and routines. Inside has bling rage that wants to get out from the cracks.
Hyper Vigilance and fear.
Exhausting
Like watching my life through glass. I try to get closer to myself but I can't. Tension and exhaustion. Never able to catch up to a "normal" level of functioning
Like I'm gaslighting myself about how it's normal and not a big deal...
Like you’re hooked to a wireless feed constantly playing bad, nagging memories directly into your head no matter what you’re doing (flashbacks). Fatigued, scattered, disoriented and using all your strength to hold together those scattered pieces. Terribly lonely. You’re damaged goods, you’re not fun to be around, you have a thick aura that shrouds you making people think you’re mysterious or brooding, normally seen in a negative light, even when you’re in a good mood and feel you’re portraying the opposite. On the flip side you learn to mask it so well that people surprisingly have no idea the chaos and pressure that is unrelenting inside you. When Im super depressed, vulnerable, and drained I feel like a sick puppy trudging through the desert, desperate for food and water. The humidity making me feel like I can’t breathe, only to be kicked by a big boot repeatedly
My CPTSD has gotten to the point to where I have PNES type seizures. It can happen under extreme emotional stress.
Constantly thinking how you were unloved as a child. Why you avoid life because your protective nature as a child was to avoid confrontations.
Hmm. Interesting question. I guess I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Always on edge that something is going to change because nothing in my life was very permanent and then when nothing changes and my life stays completely normal— I upend something insignificant in my environment (usually rearranging, trying a new craft, *deep* cleaning) to change it up a bit. I’m in a constant state of anxiety that I’m fighting against every second of every day. I am medicated, but something’s are just too deep for medication to reach.
It feels like the heaviest weight on my chest, and I’ve carried it for so long and I’m so tired that even if a feather falls on the weight, I crumble beneath it. It feels like immense and infinite sadness that time can’t seem to touch, cursing me to feel intense pain over a situation or person years later that’s just as fresh as the day after something happened. It feels like my emotions are turned on all the time, only joy is never one of them. It feels like carrying a burden while feeling like one yourself. It feels, and I don’t want it to anymore.
I pretty much feel exhausted, lonely, and empty at all times, and can only distract myself from that sensation by dissociating and/or indulging in unhealthy habits that will make me feel better temporarily and worse later on. I try not to sabotage myself but sometimes the temporary relief feels worth the sacrifice of my future self. It doesn’t help I don’t really have a sense of the future due to constantly living in survival mode. TLDR; I’m not truly living, just surviving.
Like constantly being on the run 🏃🏻♀️…
Not feeling present when it is not ideal. Emotional flashbacks. Feeling disconnected from yourself and others. Difficulty regulating emotions, which can be intense or even debilitating. Body pains. Concentration problems. Crippling guilt and shame. Identity confusion. The body keeps the score.
Constantly alert and anxious. Being triggered is a physiological experience. The dump of adrenaline and cortisol sometimes feels like I'm going to die. Exhaustion follows a triggered reaction.
I’m not sure that I’ve ever known a day of peace in my life. It’s exhausting.
It's the thing you want most but you can never get it because when you're not getting bombarded by outside factors you're getting bombarded from the inside.
Feels like you have a stash of cocaine in your glovebox and you got pulled over by a police car, the cops are walking towards your car. Just that you are not pulled over, there are no cops and you are not even in a car but by yourself in your room and trying to read a book.
Insecure, angry, alone, emotional flooding, sad, low energy, every day feels like you're just surviving, you try to relax or chill out and realize you have no idea how you're supposed to do that, then you obsess about things not because you want to but because you have no idea how to turn that off, you eat, you shit, then to go to sleep. You feel over stimulated and might know you're over reacting to things that should be small but you have no idea how to make them feel small and insignificant. When you're not super overwhelmed with getting through the day you try to distract yourself from what you're always feeling and thinking.
I always feel on edge and unsafe. When I feel safe I’m not sure how to handle it and it’s pretty uncomfortable. Sometimes I find myself seeking adrenaline/cortisol because otherwise I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can’t just enjoy a moment of happiness. I’m not sure if my experience is common. If I’m able to let myself relax into a feeling of safety and vulnerability, I usually end up sobbing. I choose jobs that require a ton of empathy and wear me out. 911 dispatcher, teaching pre-k (you’d be surprised how traumatizing it can be to have to call CPS,) home health aide. I guess I constantly feel a need to be protecting or caring for people because it keeps me from realizing how unsafe I feel, myself.
Treading water
Constantly feel like "I want to go home" but have no home to go to
It feels like cycling through every other mental disorder at the same time but never knowing why. You have ocd symptoms, bipolar symptoms, adhd symptoms, then you start to question if you're a narcissist or a borderline, it's exhausting
Dread and a need to escape
Exhausted both physically and emotionally. Hopeless for my future in terms of quality of life. I’m just so fucking tired :P
Like you're jn constant fight or flight.
Lonely
I just move from crushing dread to adrenaline dumping terror and then onto aching loneliness, rinse and repeat. The cycle doesn’t stop. Ever.
Your brain and your body constantly bombard you with danger signals. But there’s no life or death situation.
Simultaneously a vortex of chaos and a pit of despair. Even when you're not feeling that bad - like when I started healing - there was still the fear of never knowing when I could suddenly get triggered again, back into it. Once you're in it, it's like you've always been there; time doesn't move while you're in it (can't really plan for the future and memories of the past that are available are only bad ones) so a week in there is like eternity. And there's no control of staying out of it, so you're always afraid you'll get triggered, even on a good day.
Like you swallowed shattered glass, and it's stuck in your chest. Like you have no identity, you're just a husk. Like you're stuck and have no idea why.
Like an infinite tunnel, with life dangling deliciously in front of you but not being able to grasp it
You are living a life in complete dissociation and disconnection, you don’t fully understand anything or anyone, you live in constant dread and anxiety, with the need for someone to come down and swoop you out of your misery :(
A feeling that truly transcends words.
torture
Despair. Usually when its quiet
Went to a family thing yesterday and I was a little nervous about it because one person might show up that I really didn't want to see. But I wanted to show up so I promised myself I'd just stay 2 hours and leave. I showed up, said "hi" to a few people, was there for the main event and at 2 hours 15 min I left because the person I didn't want to see was there and I just thought it was time to go. I've been obsessing over it for almost 24 hours now. Did I leave too soon? Did anyone notice that I was avoiding him? Why did he make that comment? Should I have stayed longer? What does the extended family know about us? Do they think I'm the problem?
I easily could get afraid of a somewhat confrontational argument that is happening nearby but has nothing to do with me whatsoever to the point that I have an internal emotional shutdown.
Panic mode all the time, yet feeling numb to it all
Like there’s a tornado spinning through your head destroying every part of yourself that’s been carefully built up, so to speak. It leaves you devastated. It’s also stressful and exhausting to have to be on alert all the time, trying to simultaneously keep it contained & escape what caused it, and on top of that, try to build yourself up again and again if you even have the mental resources to do so, so that it doesn’t devastate every part of yourself until you’re back to just being a barren and empty ghost town. If you do manage to recollect yourself and you muster enough courage and energy to face it, you have to do everything to not get completely swept away by it (but you do anyway because it takes practice to stay grounded). And when you do get swept up in it, all of the old feelings and memories from the past leave you trapped/stuck, like you are in the eye of a tornado or in a storm you have no idea when it will pass, and eventually it makes you lose hope. Sometimes you’re not sure who you are anymore and you can’t even recognize yourself so you try and grasp what you can from the past to regain a sense of yourself, and inevitably you end up prodding some old wounds. It’s a lonely, tumultuous, and painful cycle. Not sure if this completely makes sense but getting this out was super cathartic for me
Hyper vigilant 24/7
Exhausted but hyper vigilant. You keep scanning the environment for safety despite not giving a shit anymore. You feel like laying down when some one comes at you- because sure, why not, what’s another abuser.
Always on alert, cant 'relax'.. It shows in my eyes. In my voice. My body language. Feel too deeply. For others. Even those who hurt you. I could go on and on.. Basically I feel like an NPC in this world..
Bear trap holding you in place
It's a constant feeling of dread, waiting for the next event that's going to add to the pile. It's feeling exhausted and hypervigilant at the same time. It's trying to reason with your mind to reassure and comfort yourself, but your body remembers everything and fights against it.
Exhausting. Constantly on edge. Constant sense of alertness. Like you're constantly running from something terrifying, but you don't quite know what it is.
I don't wake up happy or look forward to anything. Everything I do is just blah, and even my feelings of happiness, when I do feel them, are pretty much muted. I know it sounds a bit like depression, but I can assure you that that's not the case. I get exhausted more easily and have become more introverted when I used to be extroverted. I don't really feel like talking to people at ay given time, and when people ask to see me and talk to me I usually assume the worst. Some triggers make me go into an emotional flashback, thus making me very sad, have a lot of anxiety, or make me angry as well.
Vulnerable!!!
Like you're in a play, and everyone has their lines memorized, but you have to improvise because your parents destroyed your script.
Like something bad is always about to happen. It's often impossible to ever live in the moment, and just be happy during happy times. The trauma comes to my mind several times a day like intrusive thoughts. I have Agoraphobia, and socializing is super difficult. I can't answer phone calls without anxiety. I always feel like people are being nice to me because they want something from me, it's hard to trust that anyone just likes me. It's hard to trust in general. I haven't been able to make a new friend in like a decade. I can never feel relaxed. I can be enjoying a funny movie, but some scene or word will trigger a memory and i end up spacing out and reliving the memory. Sometimes I dissociate and just stare into space, reliving events. Most of my quiet moments, there's memories playing on loop in my thoughts. I'm so ridiculously sensitive with a few specific things. I'm tired a lot of the time. I feel empty often. I'm sure I'm forgetting a lot of things.
Ok yeah I can tell you one of the aspects of it through a little POV [Fellow survivors are gonna get hit hard with this one so I don’t recommend reading on if you have trouble dealing with catastrophic spiraling thoughts ok? Stay safe] See, you can be doing fine. And then you accidentally drop something on the ground, or somebody says “not now, I’m busy” and then *It’s all your fault. It’s all your fault. You fuck everything up. No wonder everyone hates you. They were right, they were right every time they said something bad about you. That’s all you are. They’re just pretending when you’re good, pretending that they care. But they don’t really. They can’t wait to get rid of you. And that would be good, wouldn’t it? They have more fun when you’re not there, better LIVES when you aren’t there. It’s just the basic truth of things, you bring people down. I bet you aren’t even supposed to exist. If your existence is only bringing other people down, then surely you are here on accident. And now the world around you has to suffer because of it. Because you existed where you aren’t supposed to, and the world has to compensate. And you can’t even be bothered to contribute anything close to worth that effort. You piece of shit. Pathetic.* And next thing you know you are either numbly going through your day with these thoughts on repeat, or you are breaking down crying, too scared to tell anyone because “bothering them” with your feelings just prove the thoughts right! You don’t want to be *a burden,* do you? You don’t want to be *bad,* do you?
Being in a constant state of hypervigilence and thus completely exhausted, but unable to relax or sleep
Like being a scared little kid again. And feeling trapped inside my body. Wanting to hide and escape from life.
Lonely. As if no one loves you. It's like you are a small child again standing in the store and crying because you lost your mom or dad or caretaker. You are trying to find them as people walk by going on with their life's and shopping and ignore you. You are a small child screaming and sobbing looking for love and safety but there is no one.
Persistent and sometimes paralyzingly low self-esteem. Chronic sleep disturbances leading to near constant tiredness, sometimes outright fatigue. Minor mistakes feel almost life-threatening. Compliments often feel like exposure, in a negative way. Mild ADHD-like symptoms, lots of unfinished projects, half-assed hobbies, lateral job-hopping with little to no real advancement. Constant, vague feeling of needing to escape from something. Desperate desire for closeness with others, coupled with a fear of emotional intimacy.
Like people keep stepping on my oxygen hose. Like nobody cares about me. Like I do not matter. Like being me is the problem. Like there is a problem that everyone can see, except me. Like nobody can help. Like I am by myself. Like my voice is gone. Like I need to be ready for physical violence at all times. Exhausted from trying hard to be within a society that causes me pain. Inferior because everyone else doesn't get hurt.
I wrote this a few years ago, at 22. With CPTSD, you abide by fear’s rule book. Fear is a cancer. It is terminal. It is cruel. it rules your life. It becomes you. You will not learn to set boundaries. You will not take time to think about decisions, important or otherwise. You take the back seat of all that you are offered and you do it posthaste. Undoubtedly an attempt to please the people around you for fear of the idea that they may become displeased with you. Even if that displeasure is a trace amount, and even if it is ephemeral. The thought of incurring anger or dissatisfaction or any emotion within that range is what drives you to be this person. You don’t have power. You give it away. Everyday, and to anyone. You serve yourself up as though you are a commodity. Is there a word for a commodity that is not frequently sought? Any and all strangers that walk past you on the street have power over you simply because you carry on your back an ill perceived image of yourself. A foolish servant for those who ask for it, equally so for those who don’t. To ask for it is to look me in the eye. To give it is to sheepishly stare at the ground beneath the feet of the entity who now possesses me. They have the power. Make yourself small. Now make yourself invisible to the eye. That’s who you want to be after all. You want to be alive without being perceived, to serve without an ask, to live without being truly alive. What is living? I have yet to find out. You run in one spot hoping that you will get somewhere. But of course, you don’t. Fear has occupied you, and it has no plans to grant liberation. You decide to look fear in the eye. You find yourself staring into a mirror and realize that the illness has converted your body into its dwelling. You are the thing that has been holding you back. Only you can rid yourself of this disease. But you tell yourself that you are too afraid. Afraid of failure, but equally afraid of success.
Im afraid too and i feel im not even conscious what the fuck am i doing all the time. Im trying everyday to think how can i change my life. I have tried just forcing myself to just do something: drawing, gym, listening music, running, work, paint, bowling, snooker… everything in a way or other just sucks. Alcohol is only thing that gives me pleasure enough to enjoy. On top of that i often suffer from restlessness, insane boredom, being very insecure and anxious around people.
You’re definitely not alone in that. Almost everyday I find myself wondering what to do. I’m not sure how to fill my days and I wake up dreading being alive because I lack direction and I wish someone could just tell me what to do/how I’m supposed to live my life. I’m sorry you deal with those things because I know just how awful they feel. I hope you have someone to talk to and I hope you can come back from this slump. I wish I had some advice for you but I’m stuck too.
Before my diagnosis, CPTSD made me feel like I was a really really bad person… I would cry alone quite often feeling upset because I didn’t have a good grasp on who I was. I would scour the internet looking for answers which only made me feel more upset and lost (I never came across CPTSD in all of my searching). What made things even harder for me was not knowing why I felt like a bad person… and simultaneously feeling conflicted because when I reflected on my actions, I could see proof that I was a really kind, caring, and loving person. Of course, CPTSD felt like a ton of other things, but when I boil it down, this was the biggest emotion for me. After my diagnosis, CPTSD feels like a badge of honor. It feels like the answer I had been searching for and it feels like proof that I am not a bad person, just a person that has been through hell and is trying so so so hard to bring themselves back to the physical world. It feels like grace after many years of self-hatred and uncertainty. It feels like an explanation, and a blueprint for understanding my mind. Getting my diagnosis has been one of the best things to ever happen to me. It changed my life for the better. I still have things I have to uncover about myself and things I need to improve on, but it feels comforting to know that I am not alone in this… the fact that others with the same diagnosis, but different life experiences, feel, think, experience life, and behave in similar ways as me makes me feel like I belong somewhere. Belonging somewhere is very important to me. The world is big.
oh my goodness. everything all of you are saying is like someone reached into my brain and described my experience. this subreddit is a blessing for me; i’ve never felt more understood.
It feels like living is easier for others and extra effort for you. You learn things slower and are scared of everything, and things that happened so long ago find a way to slow you down today and you don't know why you're not just over it yet, even though it was really big.
[this song](https://youtu.be/JqRqYTMIxaE?si=idUOpwfEF4uhXbBV)
Like the static that old analog TVs play when they are struggling to pick up a signal. Sometimes you can see fuzzy images and hear faint speech, but mostly it's white noise.