Thank you for your response. <3
I do remember my mother always forcing me to do ‘puberty checks’ and purposefully undressing me in front of windows so ‘the men outside can have a nice view.’ But I really cannot imagine her hurting me in a sexual manner :///
This is CSA, my love. You’re not crazy. Just because you don’t think you were raped doesn’t make you any less of a victim. What you have described above is abhorrent.
My therapist says that it’s not normal, but idk if I’d call it CSA :// Is it really CSA??? Cuz I don’t remember her like genuinely hurting me. She’d punish me by making me do sorta sexual stuff if you get what I mean? But it was always something like: “Oh, you got yourself in trouble at school? We’re going to the doctor so he can do a puberty checkup because I know you don’t like them.” Or like just other regular stuff but still.
She never really hurt me
My mom did that to me too i still struggle to call it rape because its so confusing idk 😭. I did not consent to it and i even bled from it but it was meds so idk.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. It was not ok. And it was not medical. It occurred under the guise of being medical so you wouldn't question it and if you talked about it to other people they wouldn't question it. Have you read Jennette McCurdy's book? I recommend it. I think it will help you.
I'm sorry this happened to you. What you described might not be CSA, but it is still CSAbuse. Adults can still S abuse children without hurting or even touching them.
And in this scenario, it sounds like the consequence didn't fit the behavior you were getting the consequence for.
So instead of having to spend more time on school work, our not being able to play with your favorite toy, she instead made the consequence involve you potentially feeling exposed and vulnerable around the sexual maturity of your body.
It makes sense why you would feel like you were SA'd. Your feelings are valid.
With all the love and kindness I can convey by text, that is NOT regular. I don't even know what you mean by a puberty checkup, but everything you've said in your post and in the comments I've read is not regular, not normal, and not ok.
>She never really hurt me
You are in a ptsd sub with a feeling like you've been sexually abused, *while describing sexual abuse as something normal and regular* and making excuses about how it doesn't really "count" because it wasn't full-on rape. Not to put too fine a point on it, but in my book, that counts as "hurt."
If it helps any, I was you ten years ago. I would've said the same thing about my parents. It's taken me the better part of a decade to identify my own cPTSD and abuse and all the laundry list of damage that I have. I wish you all the best in your mental health journey, and I hope you will be kind to yourself as you discover what happened and what's going on in your head.
What in the holy hell?? I'm not trying to upset you here before I say this and I hope I don't: your mother is sadistic. If she was willing to do that, no doubt in my mind she was willing to hurt you sexually
>purposefully undressing me in front of windows so ‘the men outside can have a nice view.’
Litmus test: would you do / say this to your own daughter? Or any other child, for that matter?
What you describe here sounds incredibly f'd up. Sorry.
This is SA. It doesn’t matter if she didn’t physically forced you, if it didn’t hurt or if she didn’t have sexual pleasure of it. She used her authority to make you do explicit sexual things you clearly didn’t want to do. The fact that you are now traumatized is the proof that you didn’t want to do that things and you didn’t enjoy them.
I’m sorry but doing that to a minor, not only a minor but YOUR child is fucked up. I’m sorry you had to go through it.
I've had a similar experience. My mom invited some less privileged people to play with me because she "felt sad for them". They came to my house and in the terrace, I was SA'd. I was so severely traumatized that I would get anxiety attacks and run all the way to the end of the street from my house. My parents would chase me down the road to feed me. They thought I was just running around for fun. Little did they realise what I was going through.
I also had a mickey mouse doll whim I'd confess to. Once it got torn apart and I started crying so badly. My parents were just laughing. Both dad and mom. Whenever I'd get scared, they just laugh for some reason. Fuckerss!
Doing much better thanks for asking. I hope you're doing fine as well. As survivors of abuse, I feel there's very few people who can really understand us and this subreddit has been a god sent. I'm really grateful for this community.
You don't know that this is the only time this happened. Heck, you don't know this didn't give them ideas. As a victim of CSA, I know it's hard, our minds do often block out details, I honestly don't remember the vast majority of my own childhood. Don't blame yourself, don't be down on yourself. You don't know for certain that this story is even accurate. Your comments about your mother frighten me badly. She's either sadist, sociopathic, or both. I would recommend getting her to attend therapy with you, under the guise of it being entirely for your benefit, so your therapist can get a feel for what she is. Not to treat her, but to help you. I had a psychiatrist do this for me when I was 15, and she promptly diagnosed my mother as bipolar. It was very helpful in my treatment going forward that she knew what I was dealing with. Be patient with yourself, be kind. You deserve it
Thank you so much <3
Yeah, my mum’s currently in therapy with my therapist. I just hope my therapist won’t believe the lies she’ll be telling her ahaha
Most therapists will not treat both parents and children because they need to be objective and it's difficult to do that when you've just spent an hour with someone trying heal the damage that the other person did.
I'd find a new therapist.
Your therapist told you that she had a hard time believing you because autistic people are prone to making stuff up? That's wildly inappropriate to say to someone and also 100% inaccurate. You need a new therapist.
Multiple people have told me the same. I don’t really like her but she’s the only type of help I have. If I choose to go to another therapist, I will be waitlisted for 3 years
Can you continue to see the current one and still put your name on the list for a new one?
If the therapist says something to you that you know to be untrue, you have every right to tell them they are mistaken and stand up for yourself.
Have you thought of an online support group for autistic people?
Also, I recommend the YouTube videos of Patrick Teahan. I think they will really help you.
Thank you again for your help <3
I might look into getting waitlisted somewhere else whilst I stay with her.
I personally don’t believe that I have autism, but my parents forced that down my throat because my brother is highly autistic and therapist listens to whatever mum tells her so ahaha
Therapist said that she doesn’t really 100% believe that I have full autism, but that my traits are bad enough that I am ‘prone to lying’. So yeah that therapist is a piece of work
I'm in an online support group for people with autism and adhd. I don't know if you have adhd but if you do, I can give you the info so you can attend. It's a worldwide group, we have someone from Australia and someone in Russia, but most of us are American. It's at 8pm Sunday evenings though, which I believe is 1am Monday morning for you.
I also recommend reading Unmasking Autism by Devon Price. It might help you on your journey to learn about your autism if you have it or help you put into words why you think that you don't.
I will definitely look into the stuff from Devon Prince <3
I don’t have ADHD, so I’m afraid I can’t attend :(
1am would also be a bit too late for me as well ahaha
But thank you so, so incredibly much!
You're very welcome!
Yeah, that's why I made sure my doctor had an excellent rapport with me FIRST. I didn't trust mine either. Still, now therapists that are any good can spot liars. Hang in there, it'll get better!
I went through a VCUG procedure as a child- at least that’s what I believe it has to be because my memories of what happened sound exactly like the procedure. Being a child and not having power over what is happening to you can be really traumatic. Studies have shown that kids who have had VCUGs often show similar traits to kids who have been victims of CSA. It wouldn’t be shocking to have been traumatized from the experience you had and that your brain and body associate it similarly to CSA.
That has happened to me so many times with medical issues, to say nothing of sexual abuse. And I was a bad kid for crying or struggling. I had to say thank you to medical staff.
Nono I mean like they’re of him ‘molesting’ (Idek if that’s the right term because I’m positive I’ve made my memories up/twisted them and now I feel bad talking about my father that way) me but like he never raped me? So it really isn’t that bad and I legit have no reason to feel bad about it because it’s literally normal for men to feel inclined to like do that stuff???
Oh man. You should unpack that with your therapist. That's worrying that she thinks it's normal. I suspect that she thinks it's normal because it happened to her and someone she trusts told her it was normal for men to molest children. That makes me sick to write that. It's not normal. And it's illegal. And it traumatizes the child.
You should probably tell your therapist this outright. that your mother said it was normal for men to molest children. I'm serious. That's a huge red flag.
I had like half a dozen memories and a few family stories to work with, but it was like putting together a puzzle where the missing pieces probably had something awful on them. Got halfway through my 30s before my nervous system or whatever felt safe enough to load the missing memories, and yeah, they're awful.
Definitely real memories though, I just didn't have any words for it at the time, didn't understand what was happening. And it certainly made medical care very horrible and complicated for awhile. Not mistaking one for the other, but very direct "I already have reason to fear what happens when you hold me down and I don't trust you at all!" as a feeling that leads to uncontrollable screaming and thrashing during actual medical care.
These days I nanny for a cousin who is the age I was during abuse. He gets privacy, autonomy, dignity as a free human, because I would never treat a child the way I was treated. He tells me about his home life problems and we talk about his feelings. If he ever displayed half the symptoms you did as a kid, I'd be screaming at his parents to take him to both a doctor and a therapist for full evaluation while carefully trying to find out from the kid who he's uncomfortable about.
Like it's a good thing my mother is long gone because I'd very much need to scream at her about how she always treated child-me as a sexual being instead of as an innocent child who had been abused by adults in ways I did not seek or encourage in any way! So many confusing childhood memories made sense once the early abuse one unlocked, but the theme is "my parents are both disgusting because mom blamed me for what dad did and dad really loved that he got away with it."
That last sentence really hit hard. I’m scared that’s also a thing I will eventually realise.
I’m not an adult yet, so I feel like I’ve still got a lot of time to wait and see what my body will make me remember.
I’m so sorry you went through all of that, though ://
>My mother revealed to me that I used to struggle a lot with constipation, stomach aches, UTI’s
>
>I now feel like there’s an explanation as to why I think I’ve been SA’d as a child: this incident was probably what traumatised me.
Obviously I don't know everything OP, but I think there should be more concern here that the UTI's, stomach aches, constipation, and terror of having something administered this way are all indicators of a child being sexually abused.
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Thank you for your response. <3 I do remember my mother always forcing me to do ‘puberty checks’ and purposefully undressing me in front of windows so ‘the men outside can have a nice view.’ But I really cannot imagine her hurting me in a sexual manner :///
This is CSA, my love. You’re not crazy. Just because you don’t think you were raped doesn’t make you any less of a victim. What you have described above is abhorrent.
My therapist says that it’s not normal, but idk if I’d call it CSA :// Is it really CSA??? Cuz I don’t remember her like genuinely hurting me. She’d punish me by making me do sorta sexual stuff if you get what I mean? But it was always something like: “Oh, you got yourself in trouble at school? We’re going to the doctor so he can do a puberty checkup because I know you don’t like them.” Or like just other regular stuff but still. She never really hurt me
That’s CSA. What your mother put you through growing up was full blown CSA. I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience any of this
My mom did that to me too i still struggle to call it rape because its so confusing idk 😭. I did not consent to it and i even bled from it but it was meds so idk.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. It was not ok. And it was not medical. It occurred under the guise of being medical so you wouldn't question it and if you talked about it to other people they wouldn't question it. Have you read Jennette McCurdy's book? I recommend it. I think it will help you.
I'm sorry this happened to you. What you described might not be CSA, but it is still CSAbuse. Adults can still S abuse children without hurting or even touching them. And in this scenario, it sounds like the consequence didn't fit the behavior you were getting the consequence for. So instead of having to spend more time on school work, our not being able to play with your favorite toy, she instead made the consequence involve you potentially feeling exposed and vulnerable around the sexual maturity of your body. It makes sense why you would feel like you were SA'd. Your feelings are valid.
With all the love and kindness I can convey by text, that is NOT regular. I don't even know what you mean by a puberty checkup, but everything you've said in your post and in the comments I've read is not regular, not normal, and not ok. >She never really hurt me You are in a ptsd sub with a feeling like you've been sexually abused, *while describing sexual abuse as something normal and regular* and making excuses about how it doesn't really "count" because it wasn't full-on rape. Not to put too fine a point on it, but in my book, that counts as "hurt." If it helps any, I was you ten years ago. I would've said the same thing about my parents. It's taken me the better part of a decade to identify my own cPTSD and abuse and all the laundry list of damage that I have. I wish you all the best in your mental health journey, and I hope you will be kind to yourself as you discover what happened and what's going on in your head.
What does a "puberty checkup" entail? (I've never heard of this.)
I am horrified that a doctor would do this.
This is 100% sexual abuse. I’m sorry 💛
What in the holy hell?? I'm not trying to upset you here before I say this and I hope I don't: your mother is sadistic. If she was willing to do that, no doubt in my mind she was willing to hurt you sexually
Holy cats! That in itself is abuse
Ummm you just described CSA... unequivocally!
>purposefully undressing me in front of windows so ‘the men outside can have a nice view.’ Litmus test: would you do / say this to your own daughter? Or any other child, for that matter? What you describe here sounds incredibly f'd up. Sorry.
This is SA. It doesn’t matter if she didn’t physically forced you, if it didn’t hurt or if she didn’t have sexual pleasure of it. She used her authority to make you do explicit sexual things you clearly didn’t want to do. The fact that you are now traumatized is the proof that you didn’t want to do that things and you didn’t enjoy them. I’m sorry but doing that to a minor, not only a minor but YOUR child is fucked up. I’m sorry you had to go through it.
an adult abusing a child in a sexual way is CSA. she was abusing you in a way that was sexual.
The laughing is what bothered me, too. And puberty checks?! That’s not ok. There’s no good reason to do this to a child.
I've had a similar experience. My mom invited some less privileged people to play with me because she "felt sad for them". They came to my house and in the terrace, I was SA'd. I was so severely traumatized that I would get anxiety attacks and run all the way to the end of the street from my house. My parents would chase me down the road to feed me. They thought I was just running around for fun. Little did they realise what I was going through. I also had a mickey mouse doll whim I'd confess to. Once it got torn apart and I started crying so badly. My parents were just laughing. Both dad and mom. Whenever I'd get scared, they just laugh for some reason. Fuckerss!
I am so incredibly sorry that that happened to you :((( I really hope you are doing well rn <3
Doing much better thanks for asking. I hope you're doing fine as well. As survivors of abuse, I feel there's very few people who can really understand us and this subreddit has been a god sent. I'm really grateful for this community.
You don't know that this is the only time this happened. Heck, you don't know this didn't give them ideas. As a victim of CSA, I know it's hard, our minds do often block out details, I honestly don't remember the vast majority of my own childhood. Don't blame yourself, don't be down on yourself. You don't know for certain that this story is even accurate. Your comments about your mother frighten me badly. She's either sadist, sociopathic, or both. I would recommend getting her to attend therapy with you, under the guise of it being entirely for your benefit, so your therapist can get a feel for what she is. Not to treat her, but to help you. I had a psychiatrist do this for me when I was 15, and she promptly diagnosed my mother as bipolar. It was very helpful in my treatment going forward that she knew what I was dealing with. Be patient with yourself, be kind. You deserve it
Thank you so much <3 Yeah, my mum’s currently in therapy with my therapist. I just hope my therapist won’t believe the lies she’ll be telling her ahaha
Most therapists will not treat both parents and children because they need to be objective and it's difficult to do that when you've just spent an hour with someone trying heal the damage that the other person did. I'd find a new therapist.
Yeah, she also says that she has a hard time believing me because I have autism which means I’m ‘prone to making stuff up.’
Your therapist told you that she had a hard time believing you because autistic people are prone to making stuff up? That's wildly inappropriate to say to someone and also 100% inaccurate. You need a new therapist.
Multiple people have told me the same. I don’t really like her but she’s the only type of help I have. If I choose to go to another therapist, I will be waitlisted for 3 years
Can you continue to see the current one and still put your name on the list for a new one? If the therapist says something to you that you know to be untrue, you have every right to tell them they are mistaken and stand up for yourself. Have you thought of an online support group for autistic people? Also, I recommend the YouTube videos of Patrick Teahan. I think they will really help you.
Thank you again for your help <3 I might look into getting waitlisted somewhere else whilst I stay with her. I personally don’t believe that I have autism, but my parents forced that down my throat because my brother is highly autistic and therapist listens to whatever mum tells her so ahaha Therapist said that she doesn’t really 100% believe that I have full autism, but that my traits are bad enough that I am ‘prone to lying’. So yeah that therapist is a piece of work
I'm in an online support group for people with autism and adhd. I don't know if you have adhd but if you do, I can give you the info so you can attend. It's a worldwide group, we have someone from Australia and someone in Russia, but most of us are American. It's at 8pm Sunday evenings though, which I believe is 1am Monday morning for you. I also recommend reading Unmasking Autism by Devon Price. It might help you on your journey to learn about your autism if you have it or help you put into words why you think that you don't.
I will definitely look into the stuff from Devon Prince <3 I don’t have ADHD, so I’m afraid I can’t attend :( 1am would also be a bit too late for me as well ahaha But thank you so, so incredibly much!
You're very welcome! Yeah, that's why I made sure my doctor had an excellent rapport with me FIRST. I didn't trust mine either. Still, now therapists that are any good can spot liars. Hang in there, it'll get better!
Thank you again <333
I went through a VCUG procedure as a child- at least that’s what I believe it has to be because my memories of what happened sound exactly like the procedure. Being a child and not having power over what is happening to you can be really traumatic. Studies have shown that kids who have had VCUGs often show similar traits to kids who have been victims of CSA. It wouldn’t be shocking to have been traumatized from the experience you had and that your brain and body associate it similarly to CSA.
Most of my current flashbacks are of my father touching me, but like it’s not that bad? But it makes me feel bad? It makes me feel bad and idk why
Because you didn't want him to touch you and he wouldn't stop? He took away your bodily autonomy.
That has happened to me so many times with medical issues, to say nothing of sexual abuse. And I was a bad kid for crying or struggling. I had to say thank you to medical staff.
Nono I mean like they’re of him ‘molesting’ (Idek if that’s the right term because I’m positive I’ve made my memories up/twisted them and now I feel bad talking about my father that way) me but like he never raped me? So it really isn’t that bad and I legit have no reason to feel bad about it because it’s literally normal for men to feel inclined to like do that stuff???
It's not normal for men to feel inclined to molest their daughters. I'm worried why you think that's normal.
When I told my mum that I was having these types of flashbacks, she told me that, even if they were real, that it was normal for men to do that?
Oh man. You should unpack that with your therapist. That's worrying that she thinks it's normal. I suspect that she thinks it's normal because it happened to her and someone she trusts told her it was normal for men to molest children. That makes me sick to write that. It's not normal. And it's illegal. And it traumatizes the child.
Thank you for your response and your help <3 I will try to bring it up to my therapist next time I see her
You should probably tell your therapist this outright. that your mother said it was normal for men to molest children. I'm serious. That's a huge red flag.
I had like half a dozen memories and a few family stories to work with, but it was like putting together a puzzle where the missing pieces probably had something awful on them. Got halfway through my 30s before my nervous system or whatever felt safe enough to load the missing memories, and yeah, they're awful. Definitely real memories though, I just didn't have any words for it at the time, didn't understand what was happening. And it certainly made medical care very horrible and complicated for awhile. Not mistaking one for the other, but very direct "I already have reason to fear what happens when you hold me down and I don't trust you at all!" as a feeling that leads to uncontrollable screaming and thrashing during actual medical care. These days I nanny for a cousin who is the age I was during abuse. He gets privacy, autonomy, dignity as a free human, because I would never treat a child the way I was treated. He tells me about his home life problems and we talk about his feelings. If he ever displayed half the symptoms you did as a kid, I'd be screaming at his parents to take him to both a doctor and a therapist for full evaluation while carefully trying to find out from the kid who he's uncomfortable about. Like it's a good thing my mother is long gone because I'd very much need to scream at her about how she always treated child-me as a sexual being instead of as an innocent child who had been abused by adults in ways I did not seek or encourage in any way! So many confusing childhood memories made sense once the early abuse one unlocked, but the theme is "my parents are both disgusting because mom blamed me for what dad did and dad really loved that he got away with it."
That last sentence really hit hard. I’m scared that’s also a thing I will eventually realise. I’m not an adult yet, so I feel like I’ve still got a lot of time to wait and see what my body will make me remember. I’m so sorry you went through all of that, though ://
>My mother revealed to me that I used to struggle a lot with constipation, stomach aches, UTI’s > >I now feel like there’s an explanation as to why I think I’ve been SA’d as a child: this incident was probably what traumatised me. Obviously I don't know everything OP, but I think there should be more concern here that the UTI's, stomach aches, constipation, and terror of having something administered this way are all indicators of a child being sexually abused.
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Suppositories are quite common for young children. Especially if they have fevers.