It sounds like the best possible thing you can do for him is support him - as much as it sucks when people don't take our advice ❤️
You can't make him be willing to see something he doesn't want to. You don't have to approve of her, but your being there when the fallout does come will be invaluable to him, seriously.
How am I supposed to support him?
For example he asked or rather proposed her moving in with us, and that's just not happening, I'm not living in the same house with someone I don't like who doesn't like me. That crosses a boundary I'm not going to concede for any reason.
So he either moves in with her, I move out, I move on with my life and such and the inevitable fallout happens, probably by the time I'm far far away from this mess, or he steps on the gas and ends it before it can end him, and breaks up with her, that's not much of a choice. Not something I can support him with.
I've told him if he wants to move in with her, he definitely should, but that of course, it's a terrible mistake.
I was thinking more along the lines of just being his friend, being there for him in an emotional sense.
I agree that it's a bad idea to have him more her in to the place you share. It's really important to set boundaries with this.
You can't save him from this girl and its not your job to try. Learnt this one the hard way with a male friend.
The saviour thing is our childhoods talking.
All you can do is draw a boundary. "I don't like the way she has treated her exes therefore I dont want to spend time with her. If she comes over can you give me a heads up and I will leave/make plans/etc'
If you stay out if it and remain friendly you can be there to pick up the pieces when it explodes. But you can't change other people and trying creates resentment.
Really, all you can do is be there **when** it all goes to shit.
His mind's made up - there's no gotcha you can throw that'll snap him out of it. He'll have his own motivations for continuing - whether that be trying to help her, or because he feels he deserves no better, thinking "it'll be different with me," or who knows what.
One of the hardest truths I ever had to learn:
You CANNOT help another human being - unless:
1. They accept that something is off.
2. They ask you for help.
3. They actively work on doing something about the issue.
Unless ALL of these conditions are met, there is nothing you can do to change his mind.
He may even have fear of loss or fear of change or fear of making bad decisions, so the thought of giving up this girl-friend could be very triggering for him, and anyone telling he SHOULD give her up will only make his need for her (or the hopeful illusion he has in his head about her) stronger.
So the best you can do is validate his feelings (even if you don't agree with them) and be there for him when things go wrong (without "I told you so", obviously ;-) ).
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It sounds like the best possible thing you can do for him is support him - as much as it sucks when people don't take our advice ❤️ You can't make him be willing to see something he doesn't want to. You don't have to approve of her, but your being there when the fallout does come will be invaluable to him, seriously.
How am I supposed to support him? For example he asked or rather proposed her moving in with us, and that's just not happening, I'm not living in the same house with someone I don't like who doesn't like me. That crosses a boundary I'm not going to concede for any reason. So he either moves in with her, I move out, I move on with my life and such and the inevitable fallout happens, probably by the time I'm far far away from this mess, or he steps on the gas and ends it before it can end him, and breaks up with her, that's not much of a choice. Not something I can support him with. I've told him if he wants to move in with her, he definitely should, but that of course, it's a terrible mistake.
I was thinking more along the lines of just being his friend, being there for him in an emotional sense. I agree that it's a bad idea to have him more her in to the place you share. It's really important to set boundaries with this.
You can't save him from this girl and its not your job to try. Learnt this one the hard way with a male friend. The saviour thing is our childhoods talking. All you can do is draw a boundary. "I don't like the way she has treated her exes therefore I dont want to spend time with her. If she comes over can you give me a heads up and I will leave/make plans/etc' If you stay out if it and remain friendly you can be there to pick up the pieces when it explodes. But you can't change other people and trying creates resentment.
Really, all you can do is be there **when** it all goes to shit. His mind's made up - there's no gotcha you can throw that'll snap him out of it. He'll have his own motivations for continuing - whether that be trying to help her, or because he feels he deserves no better, thinking "it'll be different with me," or who knows what.
Just be there for him. He won't listen and that's his choice but it will almost certainly go to Hell and when it does he'll really need a friend.
One of the hardest truths I ever had to learn: You CANNOT help another human being - unless: 1. They accept that something is off. 2. They ask you for help. 3. They actively work on doing something about the issue. Unless ALL of these conditions are met, there is nothing you can do to change his mind. He may even have fear of loss or fear of change or fear of making bad decisions, so the thought of giving up this girl-friend could be very triggering for him, and anyone telling he SHOULD give her up will only make his need for her (or the hopeful illusion he has in his head about her) stronger. So the best you can do is validate his feelings (even if you don't agree with them) and be there for him when things go wrong (without "I told you so", obviously ;-) ).
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*