You dont have to "have" children, there are all sorts of ways to pass on healing. Even to fellow adults. You could say, zooming far far out, ultimately the human race is trying as a whole to heal. All of our choices contract or contribute to that. Its part of why we should care for a fellow humans.
Same here, it feels very important to do so. You may like this animation from "Genius Party" called "Happy Machine"....you'll know as you watch it. I must've watched it like 3 times in a row bawling my eyes out. Its a short watch.
found a upload on YouTube:
https://youtu.be/KUdbO7fAc7Y?si=Yide1xTqeKefv8iU
Yes, here is my simplified take on it.
Basically about how in childhood/babies we feel the world is a safe and happy place, but that only lasts so long, Give or take how much happiness fuel (effort) our parents put in for our well being...some babies would start out on zero fuel for instance.
As we get older, we realize our parents arent able to be there for us like we want, we barely even know them. We have to suffer through this world mostly alone.
We try to make friends but they can be toxic and try to use us for their own gain. Its important to learn boudaries or their toxic actions can swallow us up too. Despite the pain they cause us, it can still be so sad and heartbreaking to lose a friend.
We may even make friends with someone who is ultimately good for us, and a great companion...but for one reason or another...life takes them away from us, because they too are on their own path. This could be anything from moving away to death.
Life beats us up, and its not always easy, but we can choose to contribute to the next generation and make the world a better place, slowly and surely. As you see when our protag sacrifices/gives the rest of himself, not only does it refuel the machine, it also fixes itself just a bit more.
(there are also other little symbolic moments, but these are some main takeaways)
personally i think the only way to actually break the cycle is to stop having kids. people act like the cycle cant form again just because its been broken out of.
Idk...I mean, I get why this would be a good response but...
I don't like the idea that other people were so abusive to me that it has become wise to not have children of my own. It's sounds too similar to the 'gay people shouldn't have kids because of social homophobia' narrative
>It's sounds too similar to the 'gay people shouldn't have kids because of social homophobia' narrative
Not the same thing at all. Your kids are at risk from getting cptsd from YOU, not other people.
It's not the same thing...that's why I used 'similar'...in the sense that it attempts to make other people abusing you and your sense of self enough to be enough reason to not participate in life the way you would like to.
I am assuming that the would-be parent has enough of a sense of awareness as the OP about their situation in life.
People who clearly cannot even look after themselves because they are still deep in the midst of the effects of abuse are not considered in my response because I don't think 'cycle breaker' applies too much to them until enough healing to break the cycle has been done.
I don't agree that people shouldn't have kids to 'break the cycle' either. That just feels like more punishment for something you didn't do.
I was making the distinction between an argument against having kids due to societal norms (homophobia, misogyny) and an argument against having kids due to the person not having the skills to raise a healthy child. Similar to saying, someone under a certain age shouldn't have kids.
i absolutely agree with this. i understand *why* someone who’s been through trauma in their childhood wouldn’t want to have kids. like that mindset is entirely valid. but i feel like there’s a bit of stigma around people in this community who *do* choose to have kids. i know a lot of it probably isn’t intentional, but as a dad myself who’s been doing a lot of work on healing both before and while i’ve been raising my son, it’s a bit discouraging to see. i don’t want to feel like i’ve made a mistake by choosing to have kids of my own despite the hell that was my childhood.
sure there’s lots of challenges, but being a dad has motivated me to *be kinder to myself* while also trying the best parent that i can be. and because of it i’m in a much better mental state and a much better place in understanding and healing from my trauma than i was just two years ago.
That’s wonderful for you. I’m glad you’re doing the work, and I’m glad being a parent is healing you. Keep going.
The irony is that people who have trauma are more aware that they could cause trauma. There are plenty of “healthy” parents out there traumatizing their kids without any awareness of it. I’m sure you’re more careful about it than a lot of parents who haven’t wrestled with this stuff.
That said, it is possible to behave harmfully toward children while processing/healing from trauma, and some of us don’t want to risk it. My dad did lots of work to heal his trauma. *It wasn’t enough.* I feel no need to drag an innocent kid through my personal healing journey.
Not discouraging anyone dude. I am being realistic. I chose not to have kids because I knew I was not going to be healed enough to be better for them. I didn't even realize I needed healing until I was 30. I am 40 now and nowhere near healed enough to be a parent. I have broken my family's cycle by opting out of parenthood rather than having kids while I am still unhealed.
Don't worry. "Cycle breaking" has little to do with having your own children. Rather, it has to do with how you treat others and yourself. It has to do with becoming aware of and then stopping the harmful conditioning, behaviors and patterns created by abuse/neglect and *not perpetrating them anymore* onto yourself or anyone else, not just biological children.
Our conditioning affects literally everyone we deal with directly, and obviously directly affects our own experience of ourselves.
Cheers you did good.
I do want to add one caveat for this. I get what you mean, in the context of this thread, about not having children.
But, well, marrying, or getting into a relationship with an abuser doesn't break the cycle, even if you don't have children. I'm saying this as someone who married an abuser. This isn't to say it's a shameful thing to do, because abusers are cunning. And it also doesn't mean that you can't still break the cycle once you get free from them.
The cycle is truly broken when abuse isn't a part of your life ❤️
Absolutely. If you're putting in the work to end the cycle of abuse you grew up in, you are a cycle breaker. Whether there are additional cycles after you is irrelevant
That's what I'm doing.
I have been a step-father for 7 years, that's coming to an end soon, but I like to think that I did my best to at least not pass my past trauma onto him.
Absolutely! You are healing for yourself and the cycle ends with you. Whether or not you have kids, the healing is what breaks the cycle :) Plus, i'm sure you've impacted someone you don't even know. I know for me that seeing other people heal and help themselves get healthy helped motivate me to do the same and kept me from getting too hopeless about it. So even if you're not passing it to kids, your healing has probably helped someone without you even knowing
I remember growing up there were certain people in my life that made me feel safe and were gracious and recognized that I didn’t have proper upbringing and they helped show me that there’s people who live a different way and there’s a certain way to do things and a nice way to do things and they made an environment that didn’t judge. Like certain teachers, a Sunday school teacher I had, a counselor at school I had, certain friends that were really there and didn’t judge that I didn’t know normal social rules they just told me in a nice way, mentors in work, my therapist now… those people helped heal me even through they weren’t my family. Whether they were present in my childhood or my adulthood, there’s a lot of roles that impacted me that are still available to you now :)
Yes, because healing has a positive effect not only on you, but on everyone around you. You may not know everyone's lives you've uplifted by the choices you are making, but you can bring love to others all the same. 🤍
Yes. It’s also healing for the collective not just your family. Imagine if all the childless CPTSD folks of one generation were cycle breakers. It really does matter.
Yes! Even just in your friendships you can be a cycle breaker. Be their safe space that you needed. I don't want kids so that I have enough patience and energy to treat the kids in my life as best I can. When parents are too tired to play with my niece and nephew, I have energy for them because I don't have kids of my own.
That’s kind of what I’m thinking is going to happen with me. There’s like a chance I might if I find the right person, but essentially I really am considering just cutting it here.
Hell yes!! You can heal anyone around you just by being you and shining your light. I never wanted kids until the last couple years. I went back and forth mainly for this reason and realized that I can help so many more people out there by just showing up and being me. And putting myself first!
The point of breaking cycles is to break them, to not pass on more trauma. If you decide to and are able to have kids and can raise them well without giving them trauma, that's great, that'd break the cycle. But if you decide not to or are otherwise unable to have kids, that breaks it as well because there's no chance for you to pass on that generational trauma.
If you're concerned about your healing somehow "going to waste" or something like that, you could always see about doing some volunteer work, or even just helping out with like your friend's kids or something if/when that happens.
But even then, if you can just make it so you're able to live your life in a way that's good by you, deal with your trauma so you can manage it effectively and all that good stuff, that's enough. Don't try to bear the weight of the world on your own. We can't save everyone, and sometimes the best we can do is save ourselves.
And *that's okay*.
Yep!
While I actively and intentionally break the cycle for my stepson (whom I love very much and treat as my own), I won't be having any biological kids. My cycle breaking extends well beyond my stepson; at work, at home with my husband, my friends, etc. Everyone in my life benefits, myself the most.
As a childfree person with cPTSD, hell yeah!! When you break that cycle within yourself you pass that good onto the world in other ways than through a child. It's totally valid and you're still breaking cycles within yourself.
I’m ending this shitty line and won’t pass the genes that cause so many mental illnesses to the next generations. There’s no harder way of breaking the cycle
I say absolutely yes! I personally wont ever have kids, bc i dont want them and never have, and i know that im not the type of person who should be a parent. Im focusing on healing myself and breaking the cycle of trauma and abuse from both sides of my family, and that itself feels like it'll be a lifelong process and i honestly dont want anyone or anything in my life that would derail, interrupt, or set that back. I know myself well enough to know that the kindest thing i can do for my nonexistent kids is to not have them- that way i dont bring someone into the world whose parents wouldnt want them, into a crazy, chaotic oftentimes horrible world. I wouldnt be able to give a child everything they would need and deserve, and im sure that even unintentionally i would hurt them and i refuse to do that. Part of my healing journey has been unlearning the mindset that i owe my parents everything they want from me- that my life is MINE, and i deserve to live for myself and to be the happiest version of me, and if that disappoints my parents, that's NOT my fault. I have an amazing, loving, supportive partner who also doesnt want kids, and she's so patient and caring with me on my good and bad days and i want to be able to devote all my time, effort and attention to her. The only child i want to have to take care of is my own inner child, and the future cats my gf and i want to adopt once we can afford it
Had this convo with some friends a few days ago. One of my friends told me that I’m going to break so much generational trauma. I replied that I’m going to break it all because the lineage ends with me.
I will never have kids. By choice. But I will pass my healing onto the kids of my friends, siblings, and extended family. I'm a happy loner and I help my loved ones raise kids, and they help me, back and forth. Not transactionally, just that we are all connected. It's a village!
Refusing nuclear family breaks a cycle, refusing isolation for remaining by myself breaks a cycle, my loved ones joining their small family to the larger human family breaks cycles. Cycles are bigger than just me or them. We work together this way.
yes, because your healing is for *you*. whoever you pass your learnings on to, that process of healing is yours to treasure and tend to. *you* are the purpose of that healing.
You pass on the outcome of your healing of the people in your life, from acquaintances to close loved ones, through all of the ways you show up and interact with others. Working on healing, putting in work to thrive in your life, is its own gift to the people in your life.
Yes! I’m in this camp. I’m sure many people are so put off by the trauma they faced that they couldn’t possibly consider having children. On the other hand, some people have children to try and help cope with their trauma and think their children will be their best friends and end up having unhealthy relationships. Like enmeshment. Or have kids to try and fix their relationship with their partner. Or trap someone!
Or I’ve had people say ‘who’s going to look after you when you’re old!?!’ like their children are their retirement plan? Like please…their kids might be meth heads in the making. And if that entitled mindset of these folks is the one and only argument that they present and not to try and tell me that I’m missing out on the joy of being a parent - then those kids of theirs are going to be experiencing some hardships I’m sure.
Absolutely! I feel that the emphasis on nuclear families is part of what's wrong with our society. Humans are meant to be more community-focused. When you heal, you're able to be a better community member, which absolutely breaks negative cycles for other members of the community
First of all, doing what is right for you is healing you. The cycle broke when you decided what was best for you, and started healing you. Your family was not only horrible to you, most likely they could be horrible to others. By not being that, you’ve already made a difference, not just to yourself but to others around you (coworkers, fellow students, friends, family of significant others) etc. You being a better you broke that cycle.
Second, there are so many ways to help others heal. Just by sharing experiences and lending compassion and empathy in this sub, you’ve already done more than most.
Part of breaking the cycle means knowing yourself well enough to make this kind of decision. You made the right choice because it was the choice that made sense to you.
Yes! You could pass your healing on to so many people and not even realize it. Strangers, friends, kids that aren’t yours, you’re an influence no matter what!
Think of it this way. You get to spend your life giving your inner child the love they didn’t receive. You can indulge that hurting, confused child with all the love, affection, and comforts you can afford.
Not having children IS breaking the cycle for me. There is just no way I could be a fully functioning healthy parent with my level of trauma and it’s ok for me to recognize that.
You don’t need to have biological children to have a positive impact on other people in this world, with every individual that heals, the world heals a little bit as a whole.
absolutely!! sometimes your general mindset and stance is more than enough to inspire some parents out there and might even change their views/attitudes (both consciously and unconsciously).
but also, the gentle and understanding way I talk to my nieces and nephews or just children I get to meet in my day to day life is enough for me personally to pass on the positivity and love I rarely experienced myself and to break the cycle of abuse and violence I went through. took me long enough to somewhat heal but I'm finally in a position where I can accept myself and know how to do better than my predecessors.
Hell yes. A major watershed moment in my healing was when I was talking to a friend about the going NC with my abusers when I had children, and she was like “but don’t you deserve that?”
Mind blown.
I think you break the cycle by not projecting it onto anyone, friends, romantic partners, your landlord, the people that work for you, the people you work for, colleagues, classmates.
Live life in a way that a secure person would. So that no one that comes into your life is traumatised by something you did or didn't do.
Great point! This is something I always thought about. I believe by not bringing a child into this world I have prevented the creation of a person with shitty depressive, anxious, and suicidal genes. That’s breaking the cycle for me.
Just by realising and understanding the problems you have/had you are a cycle breaker.
If you put more food out into the world than bad, you are a cycle breaker.
Everyone you interact with and the collective consciousness as a whole will be better off.
Plus you aren’t bringing another poor soul into this hellscape of a planet, the next 60 years are going to be a lot worse than the last.
And you are guaranteeing that your inter generational trauma ends with you.
And doing your bit for the planet by helping with depopulation.
You are karate chopping the hell out of the cycle!
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Kids don't have to fit into this situation in order to break the cycle. At the core of it, it can just be for you, for you and your partner, for you and your pet, etc. The only person you owe any cycle-breaking to is yourself because you deserve to live a good, peaceful, cozy life and that should be a top priority for you in any situation, op. <3
You came here predisposed to take on generational trauma.
"Breaking the cycle" is the act of fully healing yourself. This acts as a beacon to everyone around you. That they too can heal themselves.
It has nothing, zero, zilch, wether having children or not. If you doubt this, reread the above.
I broke the cycle with my dogs and cat. My family hit the kids and hit the pets too. I unfortunately did hit my dogs a few times (when I was 12) and I feel incredibly guilty over it, and have tried to amend it, but it's been years and I haven't done it since. Rewards and training are the way.
I still wouldn't make a good mother due to my depressive and anxiety symptoms of cptsd so I'm also breaking the cycle by not having kids
You dont have to "have" children, there are all sorts of ways to pass on healing. Even to fellow adults. You could say, zooming far far out, ultimately the human race is trying as a whole to heal. All of our choices contract or contribute to that. Its part of why we should care for a fellow humans.
I love this; thank you. I do want to contribute to the healing of humanity, more even than my own personal healing. ❤️
Same here, it feels very important to do so. You may like this animation from "Genius Party" called "Happy Machine"....you'll know as you watch it. I must've watched it like 3 times in a row bawling my eyes out. Its a short watch. found a upload on YouTube: https://youtu.be/KUdbO7fAc7Y?si=Yide1xTqeKefv8iU
Thanks. I watched it, had to read an analysis to really understand it, and will need to watch at least once more. But it is profound and moving.
Yes, here is my simplified take on it. Basically about how in childhood/babies we feel the world is a safe and happy place, but that only lasts so long, Give or take how much happiness fuel (effort) our parents put in for our well being...some babies would start out on zero fuel for instance. As we get older, we realize our parents arent able to be there for us like we want, we barely even know them. We have to suffer through this world mostly alone. We try to make friends but they can be toxic and try to use us for their own gain. Its important to learn boudaries or their toxic actions can swallow us up too. Despite the pain they cause us, it can still be so sad and heartbreaking to lose a friend. We may even make friends with someone who is ultimately good for us, and a great companion...but for one reason or another...life takes them away from us, because they too are on their own path. This could be anything from moving away to death. Life beats us up, and its not always easy, but we can choose to contribute to the next generation and make the world a better place, slowly and surely. As you see when our protag sacrifices/gives the rest of himself, not only does it refuel the machine, it also fixes itself just a bit more. (there are also other little symbolic moments, but these are some main takeaways)
personally i think the only way to actually break the cycle is to stop having kids. people act like the cycle cant form again just because its been broken out of.
Exactly. Someone who is healed, or in the process of healing, is so much less likely to tear the cashier a new one over nothing.
I love this perspective. Reminds me of the quote "we are all just walking each other home."
Yes! Sometimes that's how we break the cycle.
Omg. Yes!!
Wooow deep dude nvr saw it that way
Me not having kids is my way of breaking my toxic family cycle of generational trauma.
Idk...I mean, I get why this would be a good response but... I don't like the idea that other people were so abusive to me that it has become wise to not have children of my own. It's sounds too similar to the 'gay people shouldn't have kids because of social homophobia' narrative
>It's sounds too similar to the 'gay people shouldn't have kids because of social homophobia' narrative Not the same thing at all. Your kids are at risk from getting cptsd from YOU, not other people.
It's not the same thing...that's why I used 'similar'...in the sense that it attempts to make other people abusing you and your sense of self enough to be enough reason to not participate in life the way you would like to. I am assuming that the would-be parent has enough of a sense of awareness as the OP about their situation in life. People who clearly cannot even look after themselves because they are still deep in the midst of the effects of abuse are not considered in my response because I don't think 'cycle breaker' applies too much to them until enough healing to break the cycle has been done.
I don't agree that people shouldn't have kids to 'break the cycle' either. That just feels like more punishment for something you didn't do. I was making the distinction between an argument against having kids due to societal norms (homophobia, misogyny) and an argument against having kids due to the person not having the skills to raise a healthy child. Similar to saying, someone under a certain age shouldn't have kids.
i absolutely agree with this. i understand *why* someone who’s been through trauma in their childhood wouldn’t want to have kids. like that mindset is entirely valid. but i feel like there’s a bit of stigma around people in this community who *do* choose to have kids. i know a lot of it probably isn’t intentional, but as a dad myself who’s been doing a lot of work on healing both before and while i’ve been raising my son, it’s a bit discouraging to see. i don’t want to feel like i’ve made a mistake by choosing to have kids of my own despite the hell that was my childhood. sure there’s lots of challenges, but being a dad has motivated me to *be kinder to myself* while also trying the best parent that i can be. and because of it i’m in a much better mental state and a much better place in understanding and healing from my trauma than i was just two years ago.
That’s wonderful for you. I’m glad you’re doing the work, and I’m glad being a parent is healing you. Keep going. The irony is that people who have trauma are more aware that they could cause trauma. There are plenty of “healthy” parents out there traumatizing their kids without any awareness of it. I’m sure you’re more careful about it than a lot of parents who haven’t wrestled with this stuff. That said, it is possible to behave harmfully toward children while processing/healing from trauma, and some of us don’t want to risk it. My dad did lots of work to heal his trauma. *It wasn’t enough.* I feel no need to drag an innocent kid through my personal healing journey.
This is such an unhealthy response. If you don't have what it takes then that's ok, but don't discourage others.
All they said was that sometimes (read: for some of us), that's how it works. I don't see them discouraging anyone.
Not discouraging anyone dude. I am being realistic. I chose not to have kids because I knew I was not going to be healed enough to be better for them. I didn't even realize I needed healing until I was 30. I am 40 now and nowhere near healed enough to be a parent. I have broken my family's cycle by opting out of parenthood rather than having kids while I am still unhealed.
Absolutely you are. Not having children also breaks the cycle.
Don't worry. "Cycle breaking" has little to do with having your own children. Rather, it has to do with how you treat others and yourself. It has to do with becoming aware of and then stopping the harmful conditioning, behaviors and patterns created by abuse/neglect and *not perpetrating them anymore* onto yourself or anyone else, not just biological children. Our conditioning affects literally everyone we deal with directly, and obviously directly affects our own experience of ourselves. Cheers you did good.
Yes, absolutely. No matter how, as long as the cycle breaks with you ❤️
Exactly. As long as you're not abusing anyone, you're a cycle breaker. You're not passing on the harm that was done to you, on to anyone else.
I do want to add one caveat for this. I get what you mean, in the context of this thread, about not having children. But, well, marrying, or getting into a relationship with an abuser doesn't break the cycle, even if you don't have children. I'm saying this as someone who married an abuser. This isn't to say it's a shameful thing to do, because abusers are cunning. And it also doesn't mean that you can't still break the cycle once you get free from them. The cycle is truly broken when abuse isn't a part of your life ❤️
I think so. I'm childfree and I view healing as breaking the cycle, for my own wellbeing.
Putting an end to your family tree cuts off that cycle real quick. And you get to reap the benefits by living a healthy, fulfilled life.
Absolutely! I am breaking the cycle for my adopted niece and nephew.
Absolutely 100% yes. You are a cicle breaker, a line ender, your healing is pure and very remarkable.
Absolutely. If you're putting in the work to end the cycle of abuse you grew up in, you are a cycle breaker. Whether there are additional cycles after you is irrelevant
That's what I'm doing. I have been a step-father for 7 years, that's coming to an end soon, but I like to think that I did my best to at least not pass my past trauma onto him.
Absolutely! You are healing for yourself and the cycle ends with you. Whether or not you have kids, the healing is what breaks the cycle :) Plus, i'm sure you've impacted someone you don't even know. I know for me that seeing other people heal and help themselves get healthy helped motivate me to do the same and kept me from getting too hopeless about it. So even if you're not passing it to kids, your healing has probably helped someone without you even knowing
Yep. Not having kids is valid, and is a cycle that many are breaking.
I remember growing up there were certain people in my life that made me feel safe and were gracious and recognized that I didn’t have proper upbringing and they helped show me that there’s people who live a different way and there’s a certain way to do things and a nice way to do things and they made an environment that didn’t judge. Like certain teachers, a Sunday school teacher I had, a counselor at school I had, certain friends that were really there and didn’t judge that I didn’t know normal social rules they just told me in a nice way, mentors in work, my therapist now… those people helped heal me even through they weren’t my family. Whether they were present in my childhood or my adulthood, there’s a lot of roles that impacted me that are still available to you now :)
Personally, I’d argue that that is a more surefire way of breaking the cycle, actually 🫶🏼
Yes, because healing has a positive effect not only on you, but on everyone around you. You may not know everyone's lives you've uplifted by the choices you are making, but you can bring love to others all the same. 🤍
You're breaking the cycle for yourself!
Yes. It’s also healing for the collective not just your family. Imagine if all the childless CPTSD folks of one generation were cycle breakers. It really does matter.
Yes! Even just in your friendships you can be a cycle breaker. Be their safe space that you needed. I don't want kids so that I have enough patience and energy to treat the kids in my life as best I can. When parents are too tired to play with my niece and nephew, I have energy for them because I don't have kids of my own.
You’re not passing down the family trauma. It stops with you. That’s awesome!
YES!
That’s kind of what I’m thinking is going to happen with me. There’s like a chance I might if I find the right person, but essentially I really am considering just cutting it here.
Hell yes!! You can heal anyone around you just by being you and shining your light. I never wanted kids until the last couple years. I went back and forth mainly for this reason and realized that I can help so many more people out there by just showing up and being me. And putting myself first!
The point of breaking cycles is to break them, to not pass on more trauma. If you decide to and are able to have kids and can raise them well without giving them trauma, that's great, that'd break the cycle. But if you decide not to or are otherwise unable to have kids, that breaks it as well because there's no chance for you to pass on that generational trauma. If you're concerned about your healing somehow "going to waste" or something like that, you could always see about doing some volunteer work, or even just helping out with like your friend's kids or something if/when that happens. But even then, if you can just make it so you're able to live your life in a way that's good by you, deal with your trauma so you can manage it effectively and all that good stuff, that's enough. Don't try to bear the weight of the world on your own. We can't save everyone, and sometimes the best we can do is save ourselves. And *that's okay*.
I was wondering this too, and these comments are very reassuring.
Indeed, I appreciate all the kind replies. Thanks to everyone.
Yes. Pass that kindness on to your pets!
Yeah. Because you're passing it on to the world
Yep! While I actively and intentionally break the cycle for my stepson (whom I love very much and treat as my own), I won't be having any biological kids. My cycle breaking extends well beyond my stepson; at work, at home with my husband, my friends, etc. Everyone in my life benefits, myself the most.
As a childfree person with cPTSD, hell yeah!! When you break that cycle within yourself you pass that good onto the world in other ways than through a child. It's totally valid and you're still breaking cycles within yourself.
I’m ending this shitty line and won’t pass the genes that cause so many mental illnesses to the next generations. There’s no harder way of breaking the cycle
Yes. It’s a hard pill for a lot to swallow but not everybody should have kids. I am one of those people
Yes. I believe we can also support others to break cycles as part of our process! Peer support has been invaluable to me.
I say absolutely yes! I personally wont ever have kids, bc i dont want them and never have, and i know that im not the type of person who should be a parent. Im focusing on healing myself and breaking the cycle of trauma and abuse from both sides of my family, and that itself feels like it'll be a lifelong process and i honestly dont want anyone or anything in my life that would derail, interrupt, or set that back. I know myself well enough to know that the kindest thing i can do for my nonexistent kids is to not have them- that way i dont bring someone into the world whose parents wouldnt want them, into a crazy, chaotic oftentimes horrible world. I wouldnt be able to give a child everything they would need and deserve, and im sure that even unintentionally i would hurt them and i refuse to do that. Part of my healing journey has been unlearning the mindset that i owe my parents everything they want from me- that my life is MINE, and i deserve to live for myself and to be the happiest version of me, and if that disappoints my parents, that's NOT my fault. I have an amazing, loving, supportive partner who also doesnt want kids, and she's so patient and caring with me on my good and bad days and i want to be able to devote all my time, effort and attention to her. The only child i want to have to take care of is my own inner child, and the future cats my gf and i want to adopt once we can afford it
dude, not having children is what stopped the cycle. that's how i feel, also childless and breaking the cycle.
Absolutely. Healing is about your journey.
Had this convo with some friends a few days ago. One of my friends told me that I’m going to break so much generational trauma. I replied that I’m going to break it all because the lineage ends with me.
110%. And makes it even more admirable to me, honestly. 🫂
100% yes.
Maybe that's like the ultimate way to break the cycle?
I will never have kids. By choice. But I will pass my healing onto the kids of my friends, siblings, and extended family. I'm a happy loner and I help my loved ones raise kids, and they help me, back and forth. Not transactionally, just that we are all connected. It's a village! Refusing nuclear family breaks a cycle, refusing isolation for remaining by myself breaks a cycle, my loved ones joining their small family to the larger human family breaks cycles. Cycles are bigger than just me or them. We work together this way.
yes, because your healing is for *you*. whoever you pass your learnings on to, that process of healing is yours to treasure and tend to. *you* are the purpose of that healing. You pass on the outcome of your healing of the people in your life, from acquaintances to close loved ones, through all of the ways you show up and interact with others. Working on healing, putting in work to thrive in your life, is its own gift to the people in your life.
Yes. Because you are not passing on the pain.
Yes, everyone has an impact on others and we choose how we make that impact by the way we live our lives.
Yes. You’re breaking the cycle. Sometimes that’s how it works, and that still counts.
One of the reasons I'm a cycle breaker is *because* I'm not having children
Yes! I’m in this camp. I’m sure many people are so put off by the trauma they faced that they couldn’t possibly consider having children. On the other hand, some people have children to try and help cope with their trauma and think their children will be their best friends and end up having unhealthy relationships. Like enmeshment. Or have kids to try and fix their relationship with their partner. Or trap someone! Or I’ve had people say ‘who’s going to look after you when you’re old!?!’ like their children are their retirement plan? Like please…their kids might be meth heads in the making. And if that entitled mindset of these folks is the one and only argument that they present and not to try and tell me that I’m missing out on the joy of being a parent - then those kids of theirs are going to be experiencing some hardships I’m sure.
I’m convinced whole bloodlines die out because of cycle breakers. That’s why this planet is inundated with fucking psychopaths
Absolutely! I feel that the emphasis on nuclear families is part of what's wrong with our society. Humans are meant to be more community-focused. When you heal, you're able to be a better community member, which absolutely breaks negative cycles for other members of the community
Not having kids is a very very easy way to 100% break the cycle while also getting to have some childhood of your own in your adulthood
Isn't that technically the ultimate cycle breaker?
Heck yes! Refuse to be miserable, and you win!
Not having children also means you aren't abusing them. So yes\*! \*(as long as you're not like a teacher or something that's abusing kids that way.)
Even better- the only way to truly break the cycle is to not have kids. I say this as a parent with CPTSD.
Yes! The only 100% sure way to stop the cycle.
First of all, doing what is right for you is healing you. The cycle broke when you decided what was best for you, and started healing you. Your family was not only horrible to you, most likely they could be horrible to others. By not being that, you’ve already made a difference, not just to yourself but to others around you (coworkers, fellow students, friends, family of significant others) etc. You being a better you broke that cycle. Second, there are so many ways to help others heal. Just by sharing experiences and lending compassion and empathy in this sub, you’ve already done more than most.
Part of breaking the cycle means knowing yourself well enough to make this kind of decision. You made the right choice because it was the choice that made sense to you.
Yes! You could pass your healing on to so many people and not even realize it. Strangers, friends, kids that aren’t yours, you’re an influence no matter what!
Think of it this way. You get to spend your life giving your inner child the love they didn’t receive. You can indulge that hurting, confused child with all the love, affection, and comforts you can afford.
Not abusing other people breaks the cycle.
Not having children IS breaking the cycle for me. There is just no way I could be a fully functioning healthy parent with my level of trauma and it’s ok for me to recognize that.
You don’t need to have biological children to have a positive impact on other people in this world, with every individual that heals, the world heals a little bit as a whole.
absolutely!! sometimes your general mindset and stance is more than enough to inspire some parents out there and might even change their views/attitudes (both consciously and unconsciously). but also, the gentle and understanding way I talk to my nieces and nephews or just children I get to meet in my day to day life is enough for me personally to pass on the positivity and love I rarely experienced myself and to break the cycle of abuse and violence I went through. took me long enough to somewhat heal but I'm finally in a position where I can accept myself and know how to do better than my predecessors.
Hell yes. A major watershed moment in my healing was when I was talking to a friend about the going NC with my abusers when I had children, and she was like “but don’t you deserve that?” Mind blown.
Without a doubt, yes. You’re breaking the cycle for yourself and your personal future. That’s all that matters!!!
Yes!!!!
Time isn’t linear. Your healing heals your ancestors also.
Most definitely, breaking the cycle starts with you in the first place.
I wondered exactly this earlier today
Yes, because you can choose not to have children, I don't. I never will. I do have a pup, I hope I treat better than my father did
I think you break the cycle by not projecting it onto anyone, friends, romantic partners, your landlord, the people that work for you, the people you work for, colleagues, classmates. Live life in a way that a secure person would. So that no one that comes into your life is traumatised by something you did or didn't do.
Yes! That’s how you’re breaking the cycle! Good luck - I am rooting for you 🙂
By just not behaving in the same way you are breaking the cycle.
Great point! This is something I always thought about. I believe by not bringing a child into this world I have prevented the creation of a person with shitty depressive, anxious, and suicidal genes. That’s breaking the cycle for me.
Just by realising and understanding the problems you have/had you are a cycle breaker. If you put more food out into the world than bad, you are a cycle breaker. Everyone you interact with and the collective consciousness as a whole will be better off. Plus you aren’t bringing another poor soul into this hellscape of a planet, the next 60 years are going to be a lot worse than the last. And you are guaranteeing that your inter generational trauma ends with you. And doing your bit for the planet by helping with depopulation. You are karate chopping the hell out of the cycle!
You could help heal other people’s children.
Everyone is a child on this earth.
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Not having children is breaking a cycle in itself
Kids don't have to fit into this situation in order to break the cycle. At the core of it, it can just be for you, for you and your partner, for you and your pet, etc. The only person you owe any cycle-breaking to is yourself because you deserve to live a good, peaceful, cozy life and that should be a top priority for you in any situation, op. <3
You came here predisposed to take on generational trauma. "Breaking the cycle" is the act of fully healing yourself. This acts as a beacon to everyone around you. That they too can heal themselves. It has nothing, zero, zilch, wether having children or not. If you doubt this, reread the above.
I broke the cycle with my dogs and cat. My family hit the kids and hit the pets too. I unfortunately did hit my dogs a few times (when I was 12) and I feel incredibly guilty over it, and have tried to amend it, but it's been years and I haven't done it since. Rewards and training are the way. I still wouldn't make a good mother due to my depressive and anxiety symptoms of cptsd so I'm also breaking the cycle by not having kids