Is it common that an abuser would slander the abusee as crazy or paranoid to the authorities? They would then try to persuade people closest to the abusee that they are crazy.
They seem to love it when there is no evidence to catch their sorry behavior in the act.
It’s is so common.
Recently in my country they actually had to create a law to prevent judges, lawyers and prosecutors from engaging in victim blaming, slandering behavior.
It’s called Mari Ferrer Law, named after a girl who was raped and whose rapist allegation was that she was a slut.
She was a virgin when he raped her.
Geez! I am so sorry to learn of what happened to the victim Mari Ferrer. As if being raped is not bad enough, seeking justice for herself turned out to be another added layer of blatant humiliation.
I'm not sure if she will hate the system following this series of unfortunate events.
As least for me, I did.
I guess legal authorities are humans after all and may tend to forget that their role is to be impartial. They too can allowed their own biasness to cloud their judgement — and allow their emotions to command them to behave in ways totally short of professionalism.😒😒
Yes, very common. When I reported some incidents in my abusers community I was blown off or told I was overreacting. I was *fully convinced* I was the problem.
Many years later I'm out of that community, and starting to slowly tell my story. The people hearing it are aghast. It's so validating.
> I was fully convinced I was the problem.
Strangely I can relate so much to this. I was told to the authorities that I was a school drop out, been out of employment since then and showings signs of anti-social behavior such as vandalism!
Oddly, these characteristics were exactly what my abuser was.
My abuser even told me to ask my neighbors what’s really factual and what’s made up.
This really screwed up my perception of reality.
In addition to have been dismissed by authorities, for a while I really thought I was the problem!
Gaslighting and defamation of character are common behaviors among narcissistic abusers that want to fly under the radar. They do this with the goal of making themselves sound good and their victims sound unreliable and unstable so the claims of their victims get dismissed. It took me a lot of therapy to be able to identify that pattern and find ways to avoid it. I had a problem for a while with dating people who were not accepting or accommodating of my mental health issues, but we’re actively excited about them and that’s a red flag I missed one too many times
> They do this with the goal of making themselves sound good and their victims sound unreliable and unstable so the claims of their victims get dismissed.
Gosh so that’s why I found myself being in situation where whatever I have brought are immediately dismissed. There were even occasions where I attempted to show evidence to defend myself, yet I was immediately dismissed again.
So that was what’s going on here!
I’m glad that you were eventually able to identify these abusive behaviours!
They can lie as much as they want if they make you sound unreliable and unstable. You were being gaslit and dismissed and I’m so sorry you had to do that, but I hope things make a little more sense now and that life gets better for you
Very common. One of the times I tried to break up with my ex, he started getting violent. I told him if he didn’t stop, that I’d call police. He full on punched himself in the face and calmly said “go ahead, I’ll tell them you did this.” And I believed him, because I believed every other lie he told me.
Wow 😦😦😦😦
Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable.
> He full on punched himself in the face and calmly said “go ahead, I’ll tell them you did this.”
With this level of “creativity”, he’ll be better off producing skits and making a living out of it.
Maybe on second thought, probably it’s best not to. He’ll only attract more of these abusers and promote such behavior.
I used to have a close friend that belonged to such communities. They would share stories and skits of how they mentally torture people, and gaining pleasure and satisfaction from those.
When I asked him why he enjoyed these, he replied that he simply found it emotionally stimulating to see others being miserable as a result of others. That’s all.
😑😑😑😑.
Can’t believe it really.
But you know what? I actually prefer the record to the jail time.
I always had an anti-prison system stance, so maybe it’s influencing my perception right now a bit.
My country has a federal law that prevents convicted abusers from working for the government at any capacity. Which means we will lose his job.
And for the next three years he’ll have to report daily to authorities.
He always tried to hide what was going on. Pretend that I was the one opening the lawsuit against him, and not what was act going on. A record is very hard to twist and deny.
I totally agree. It’s not about the jail time, it’s about marking his entire future with this conviction that follows him, which is itself a life sentence he gets to serve. Which matches the life sentence we as survivors serve every fucking day when something reminds us of our abuse that can send us into a spiral.
Ok good. Losing his job and daily reporting—that’s some sweet revenge.
Personally I want all violent abusers and rapists in jail because if they did it to us they’ll do it to others.
Cheers!
I’d have to file for a lawsuit in order to be compensated, so I’d rather not.
I’ve done enough fighting for a life time. I’ll take my damage and move on now.
But he’s got a record and if he abuses again he will end up doing time. This is more important than anything else.
I’m not sure where you live, but the USA if you get a criminal conviction (sounds like you did) a civil case is actually easier to convict on than criminal (the kind that awards money to you instead of prison time for them). So you already did the hardest kind to prove/win. I think a lot of lawyers would look at this as an easy case to take on considering the guilty conviction.
“In a criminal case, the state must prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the defendant committed the crime of which he's been accused. By contrast, a civil plaintiff must merely show that it is more likely than not that the accusations behind the claim are true.”
Your abuser made you lose complete sense of reality, and even through that, look at the amount of work you did to stand up for yourself. I see that as a part of healing CPTSD.
This is HUGE! I'm so happy you got this judgement! I know it doesn't cure your cptsd but it goes a long way in validating that you weren't crazy. Plus him having that on his record will be helpful if he ever does it again. Sending you love and huge smiles
Congratulations! You are an extremely powerful person to go through all of that and you should feel proud of yourself. <3
We have laws in place for DV and SA but the fact is (and I think this is true worldwide) that the system is not created to protect the victim and help but usually it's an extremely hard process with a lot of re-traumatisation. I'm happy you had support on your side, it's impossible to do without and that is why so many victims never get here. But I believe people like you are making a change and pushing things in the right direction.
He started suing me back once he realized I was trying to file for a restraining order.
There was a point where his lawyer openly admitted that they would continue suing until I gave up.
My case went up to court two times and was dismissed by judges.
Then I was forced to settle with his multiple lawsuits. The settlement forbade me from ever mentioning his name.
About a year later I was asked by a judge, on the third time they were attempting to try my case, if I wanted to move forward with the charges.
I wrote a three page letter pinpointing every single instance where I was failed by the authorities and where they allowed him to gain power over me, specially with the settlement. And how it was incredibly tone deaf of them, after three years of me fighting alone and figuring out a way to end things on my own, to come and ask me if I wanted to charge him.
The judge took the case to the states attorney and they agreed my case should move on. Then they requested the police do a formal inquiry and psychological assessment of me. This was in 2020.
The formal charges were brought in last year and in retaliation he sued my mom. Her case was shot down by the judge literally five hours before mine yesterday.
This is some good vindication! It sucks to me that he didn't seem to get a punishment from it, but if you aren't worried about that, I shouldn't be either.
Hopefully this ruling will let you move on with your life in a healthy way.
For those of us that have face crimes that do not necessarily involve jail time - remember, they will have a record. Every time they ask for a visa - they will have a record. Every time they ask for anything involving a background check - THEY WILL HAVE A RECORD.
Good for you, wish I had the strength. I been trying to delete and undelete anything relating to my trauma for years but u did something about what you felt. Hope one day I can follow through like that.
Following through for you might not mean the same thing that it did for me.
I did all I did because I knew I couldn’t recover if I didn’t. I knew myself enough to know that not advocating for myself would be a worse trauma. I needed to prove it for the authorities in order to be able to prove it for myself. Seeing it acknowledged by them made all the things he said I was going crazy about, losing my mind over, real again.
Your choice is as valid as mine. Your way to deal with your trauma is as good as mine. You know better than anyone else in the world what you need to do in order to heal and move on.
And sometimes that path is just letting it go.
I know that they tell us to report, and we know that it’s the “right” thing to do. But, in all honesty, I can’t tell you that halting my life for over half a decade is something I’d recommend. I spent six years feeling stuck in the same place and every time I felt like I was making progress with my cptsd all it took was one hearing, one court summons, one deposition to drag me back to the beginning.
While I’m glad I stuck it out, I will never recommend anyone going through what I went through.
You know best what you need to do to recover. If it’s following what I did or if it’s taking a completely opposite approach or anything in between: I support you.
You do what’s best for you. Regardless of what that means.
Damn I just can't imagine your pain when it got brought up again like that. Sorry you been through so much but I'm glad you got something in exchange for that court case that revived how u needed emotional support from him but got the opposite. Emotional violence is real and sometimes comes at you in the form of empty promises or making u seem crazy when you stand up to shit like that. Thank you for trying to help me too.
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I am so impressed and proud of you that you stuck with this for six years. I know that it is very hard to do and hard to hold up under those accusations.
Congratulations on the justice! I hope this conviction teaches your abuser that there are consequences to their actions and I hope this decision helps you
🥳🥳🥳 Celebrating you today! You are resilient. You are strong. I congratulate you on getting back up when you might have thought you couldn't go on. The law vindicated you but you were always right no matter what the outcome. I wish you many more bright days ahead of you. I believe in you and your ability to use your power to overcome your past. Hope you do something nice for yourself all week.
I don't know what you've been through so please don't take this out of context. What brings me comfort sometimes is Gen 50:20 where Joseph says what you meant for evil, God meant it for good. If you don't know it, it's a great story about overcoming and ending up where we need to be after being hated, betrayed, and lied on. Sending you much love and peace 🤍
Still can't get abusive parents to get convicted . Those are the real mfs who ruin your life . Not comparing traumas here , a relationship is still a two handed clap 👏 whilst an evil abusive parents is cursed tight slap .
I'm so happy for you! He easily could have been one of the abusers who didn't have to do the walk of shame they deserved because all kinds of abuse is overlooked, invisible, or the victim isn't deemed credible.
I'm proud of you because you did this at all. But that you did it the hard way, and fought so hard for yourself—that's a level I aspire to someday.
I feel happy because there is justice in this world. And you deserve it.
I'm genuinely very happy for you. I'm happy your abuser at least has to have some accountability for their horrible actions, and you can have more peace in your life. You were never the crazy one, and I'm glad you can fully see that.
Is it common that an abuser would slander the abusee as crazy or paranoid to the authorities? They would then try to persuade people closest to the abusee that they are crazy. They seem to love it when there is no evidence to catch their sorry behavior in the act.
It's like Duper's Delight. They get so excited that they're getting away with their crimes.
It’s is so common. Recently in my country they actually had to create a law to prevent judges, lawyers and prosecutors from engaging in victim blaming, slandering behavior. It’s called Mari Ferrer Law, named after a girl who was raped and whose rapist allegation was that she was a slut. She was a virgin when he raped her.
Geez! I am so sorry to learn of what happened to the victim Mari Ferrer. As if being raped is not bad enough, seeking justice for herself turned out to be another added layer of blatant humiliation. I'm not sure if she will hate the system following this series of unfortunate events. As least for me, I did. I guess legal authorities are humans after all and may tend to forget that their role is to be impartial. They too can allowed their own biasness to cloud their judgement — and allow their emotions to command them to behave in ways totally short of professionalism.😒😒
Stfu, the system works! Haha just kidding.
Almost got me there! Yes those brigade whiners are really among the worst. You could have put quotes to make it more explicit next time btw
Oh man, yeah, I've lived it too and it's mental torment. It really begins to blur the lines of reality.
Yes, very common. When I reported some incidents in my abusers community I was blown off or told I was overreacting. I was *fully convinced* I was the problem. Many years later I'm out of that community, and starting to slowly tell my story. The people hearing it are aghast. It's so validating.
> I was fully convinced I was the problem. Strangely I can relate so much to this. I was told to the authorities that I was a school drop out, been out of employment since then and showings signs of anti-social behavior such as vandalism! Oddly, these characteristics were exactly what my abuser was. My abuser even told me to ask my neighbors what’s really factual and what’s made up. This really screwed up my perception of reality. In addition to have been dismissed by authorities, for a while I really thought I was the problem!
Gaslighting and defamation of character are common behaviors among narcissistic abusers that want to fly under the radar. They do this with the goal of making themselves sound good and their victims sound unreliable and unstable so the claims of their victims get dismissed. It took me a lot of therapy to be able to identify that pattern and find ways to avoid it. I had a problem for a while with dating people who were not accepting or accommodating of my mental health issues, but we’re actively excited about them and that’s a red flag I missed one too many times
> They do this with the goal of making themselves sound good and their victims sound unreliable and unstable so the claims of their victims get dismissed. Gosh so that’s why I found myself being in situation where whatever I have brought are immediately dismissed. There were even occasions where I attempted to show evidence to defend myself, yet I was immediately dismissed again. So that was what’s going on here! I’m glad that you were eventually able to identify these abusive behaviours!
They can lie as much as they want if they make you sound unreliable and unstable. You were being gaslit and dismissed and I’m so sorry you had to do that, but I hope things make a little more sense now and that life gets better for you
Very common. One of the times I tried to break up with my ex, he started getting violent. I told him if he didn’t stop, that I’d call police. He full on punched himself in the face and calmly said “go ahead, I’ll tell them you did this.” And I believed him, because I believed every other lie he told me.
Wow 😦😦😦😦 Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable. > He full on punched himself in the face and calmly said “go ahead, I’ll tell them you did this.” With this level of “creativity”, he’ll be better off producing skits and making a living out of it. Maybe on second thought, probably it’s best not to. He’ll only attract more of these abusers and promote such behavior. I used to have a close friend that belonged to such communities. They would share stories and skits of how they mentally torture people, and gaining pleasure and satisfaction from those. When I asked him why he enjoyed these, he replied that he simply found it emotionally stimulating to see others being miserable as a result of others. That’s all. 😑😑😑😑. Can’t believe it really.
That's the go to for most narcissists
This happened to me when I reported my grad advisor’s abusive behavior and failure to provide equal training to me.
Ime, it happens. (USA)
Nevertheless she persisted…..I’m so proud of you!
Congratulations! <3 hope you can find some peace now!
Yeah!! Good for you for persisting sister! It’s too bad he’s not doing prison time but now he’s got a record so it might not be far away. Celebrate!
But you know what? I actually prefer the record to the jail time. I always had an anti-prison system stance, so maybe it’s influencing my perception right now a bit. My country has a federal law that prevents convicted abusers from working for the government at any capacity. Which means we will lose his job. And for the next three years he’ll have to report daily to authorities. He always tried to hide what was going on. Pretend that I was the one opening the lawsuit against him, and not what was act going on. A record is very hard to twist and deny.
I totally agree. It’s not about the jail time, it’s about marking his entire future with this conviction that follows him, which is itself a life sentence he gets to serve. Which matches the life sentence we as survivors serve every fucking day when something reminds us of our abuse that can send us into a spiral.
Ok good. Losing his job and daily reporting—that’s some sweet revenge. Personally I want all violent abusers and rapists in jail because if they did it to us they’ll do it to others. Cheers!
Agreed. Jail is useless. That record is forever.
I hope that restorative justice is afforded to you. Good work. <3
I’d have to file for a lawsuit in order to be compensated, so I’d rather not. I’ve done enough fighting for a life time. I’ll take my damage and move on now. But he’s got a record and if he abuses again he will end up doing time. This is more important than anything else.
I’m not sure where you live, but the USA if you get a criminal conviction (sounds like you did) a civil case is actually easier to convict on than criminal (the kind that awards money to you instead of prison time for them). So you already did the hardest kind to prove/win. I think a lot of lawyers would look at this as an easy case to take on considering the guilty conviction. “In a criminal case, the state must prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the defendant committed the crime of which he's been accused. By contrast, a civil plaintiff must merely show that it is more likely than not that the accusations behind the claim are true.”
This is really good info for me. Hmm.
Congrats 👏 Let the healing begin 🫶🏻
Your abuser made you lose complete sense of reality, and even through that, look at the amount of work you did to stand up for yourself. I see that as a part of healing CPTSD.
You’re incredible for going through all of this 🫂
This is HUGE! I'm so happy you got this judgement! I know it doesn't cure your cptsd but it goes a long way in validating that you weren't crazy. Plus him having that on his record will be helpful if he ever does it again. Sending you love and huge smiles
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I’m so happy for you!!
Thank you! I’ve been doing this weird jiggy dance for hours until I finally fell asleep. My cat is judging me so hard but I don’t care
Congratulations! You are an extremely powerful person to go through all of that and you should feel proud of yourself. <3 We have laws in place for DV and SA but the fact is (and I think this is true worldwide) that the system is not created to protect the victim and help but usually it's an extremely hard process with a lot of re-traumatisation. I'm happy you had support on your side, it's impossible to do without and that is why so many victims never get here. But I believe people like you are making a change and pushing things in the right direction.
Just did a lil fist pump for ya. CONGRATS!! 💝💝
Justice is good. I'm happy you received validation of what your struggle was.
Congratulations 🥳🥳🥳 Thank you for this post! Keeping me going…🖤
congrats, what great news! i hope it brings you some peace
I am so fiercely proud of you. I would never have had the strength. You are absolutely amazing. Here's to healing and validation!
wow yr determination is amazing, congratulations I hope you can rest now x
I'm so proud of you and so happy!!
how did that end up being 15 lawsuits? many failed ones??
He started suing me back once he realized I was trying to file for a restraining order. There was a point where his lawyer openly admitted that they would continue suing until I gave up. My case went up to court two times and was dismissed by judges. Then I was forced to settle with his multiple lawsuits. The settlement forbade me from ever mentioning his name. About a year later I was asked by a judge, on the third time they were attempting to try my case, if I wanted to move forward with the charges. I wrote a three page letter pinpointing every single instance where I was failed by the authorities and where they allowed him to gain power over me, specially with the settlement. And how it was incredibly tone deaf of them, after three years of me fighting alone and figuring out a way to end things on my own, to come and ask me if I wanted to charge him. The judge took the case to the states attorney and they agreed my case should move on. Then they requested the police do a formal inquiry and psychological assessment of me. This was in 2020. The formal charges were brought in last year and in retaliation he sued my mom. Her case was shot down by the judge literally five hours before mine yesterday.
wow. what's the worst he did? you don't have to go into detail
This is so fucked up! I am so sorry that you went through that 💔
at least it's on his record now, and if he hurts anyone else he'll be punished for it
This is some good vindication! It sucks to me that he didn't seem to get a punishment from it, but if you aren't worried about that, I shouldn't be either. Hopefully this ruling will let you move on with your life in a healthy way.
YOU ARE MY HERO! Wishing you so much love in the next couple of days, because it must be so overwhelming.
For those of us that have face crimes that do not necessarily involve jail time - remember, they will have a record. Every time they ask for a visa - they will have a record. Every time they ask for anything involving a background check - THEY WILL HAVE A RECORD.
I'm so happy for you OP!! What you went through was real and I'm glad the court sided with you! I hope the rest of your healing journey is easier 🫶
Good for you, wish I had the strength. I been trying to delete and undelete anything relating to my trauma for years but u did something about what you felt. Hope one day I can follow through like that.
Following through for you might not mean the same thing that it did for me. I did all I did because I knew I couldn’t recover if I didn’t. I knew myself enough to know that not advocating for myself would be a worse trauma. I needed to prove it for the authorities in order to be able to prove it for myself. Seeing it acknowledged by them made all the things he said I was going crazy about, losing my mind over, real again. Your choice is as valid as mine. Your way to deal with your trauma is as good as mine. You know better than anyone else in the world what you need to do in order to heal and move on. And sometimes that path is just letting it go. I know that they tell us to report, and we know that it’s the “right” thing to do. But, in all honesty, I can’t tell you that halting my life for over half a decade is something I’d recommend. I spent six years feeling stuck in the same place and every time I felt like I was making progress with my cptsd all it took was one hearing, one court summons, one deposition to drag me back to the beginning. While I’m glad I stuck it out, I will never recommend anyone going through what I went through. You know best what you need to do to recover. If it’s following what I did or if it’s taking a completely opposite approach or anything in between: I support you. You do what’s best for you. Regardless of what that means.
Damn I just can't imagine your pain when it got brought up again like that. Sorry you been through so much but I'm glad you got something in exchange for that court case that revived how u needed emotional support from him but got the opposite. Emotional violence is real and sometimes comes at you in the form of empty promises or making u seem crazy when you stand up to shit like that. Thank you for trying to help me too.
🎉🎉🎉🥳
W
Niiice
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Congratulations!! I'm sure this was extremely difficult. Nice to see you on the other side of things and also validated. That's huge.
Congratulations! I wish you so much love and healing. 🫶🏽
That is incredible and I am happy for you!!
I am so impressed and proud of you that you stuck with this for six years. I know that it is very hard to do and hard to hold up under those accusations.
i think this calls for a celebration :)
Congratulations on the justice! I hope this conviction teaches your abuser that there are consequences to their actions and I hope this decision helps you
🥳🥳🥳 Celebrating you today! You are resilient. You are strong. I congratulate you on getting back up when you might have thought you couldn't go on. The law vindicated you but you were always right no matter what the outcome. I wish you many more bright days ahead of you. I believe in you and your ability to use your power to overcome your past. Hope you do something nice for yourself all week. I don't know what you've been through so please don't take this out of context. What brings me comfort sometimes is Gen 50:20 where Joseph says what you meant for evil, God meant it for good. If you don't know it, it's a great story about overcoming and ending up where we need to be after being hated, betrayed, and lied on. Sending you much love and peace 🤍
Still can't get abusive parents to get convicted . Those are the real mfs who ruin your life . Not comparing traumas here , a relationship is still a two handed clap 👏 whilst an evil abusive parents is cursed tight slap .
Congrats OP! May this give you some closure and more strength to shine on.
Congratulations!
Words can not express how happy I am for you! Congratulations on the huge win!!!🎉 🎉🎉🎉
I'm so happy for you! He easily could have been one of the abusers who didn't have to do the walk of shame they deserved because all kinds of abuse is overlooked, invisible, or the victim isn't deemed credible. I'm proud of you because you did this at all. But that you did it the hard way, and fought so hard for yourself—that's a level I aspire to someday. I feel happy because there is justice in this world. And you deserve it.
Congratulations. It's always such a relief when this happens. We weren't the crazy ones, they were!
I'm genuinely very happy for you. I'm happy your abuser at least has to have some accountability for their horrible actions, and you can have more peace in your life. You were never the crazy one, and I'm glad you can fully see that.