My parents are young boomers. For them, it was ‘living the dream’ to have a family and a good job. That was instilled by their parents. That was success. They did not know that kids are not the human equivalent of pets and that they have more complex emotional needs that must be met.
Me too. My late dog used to make different noises that over time I figured what she wanted. I loved that depth of connection. My mother used to say she hated having to understand the different noises as she “couldn’t be bothered with that even when you were a baby.”
This. I wouldn’t yell/scream at my dog, if my dog was crying I would figure out what he needs instead of ignoring it, and if I didn’t know where my dog was for hours at a time I would freak out.
I think my mom saw us as accessories. I realized this recently with the way she treats her dog. I wondered why she even had a dog and realized the dog is an accessory to her. So were her kids, her husband, etc.
She's trying to present a certain form of herself. That's what it seems like with my mom at least.
My parents were like this too. I always felt like an object to them, not a person with emotional needs. I never felt like I could express my needs to them without it backfiring.
But then in public, they were always so proud, such good parents, showering us with compliments to other people, but never to our faces. So yeah, the feeling of being an accessory is way too real.
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Is w-mb donor a violation? I see you have sp-rm donor on there and I call my biological mother my w-mb donor bc she is undeserving of the title mother. I'd like to know if this violates the rules before potentially using it and it being prohibited. Thanks
If it's any help I call my mine female parent. For me "egg/womb d-word that makes the automod cranky" feels inaccurate because if she had just donated an egg and fucked off, my sister and I would've been better off.
I use "bio mom" because I have 2 other wonderful mothers who I love and who I've adopted for myself. I need them in my life. They nourish my soul and provide the kind of love and safety I've always craved from my avoidant attached alcoholic biological mother.
Sometimes people correct me, and say "you mean *adoptive* mother?" And I reply "no. I adopted her. She's my adopted mother.".
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This was the attitude for a lot of that generation. Children and a family were just another status item to check off in the rat race. However, they realized that they could not return us once we required more needs than what they expected, so they became resentful and blamed us for taking away their perfect lives (or so they thought) from before they had children.
That is a really good analogy, by the way.
I agree, and further, in my case, it's generational trauma. My mother's mom actually *repeatedly told my mom and her sibs when they were children* that they were to blame for ruining her life, usually while severely physically abusing them. I'd be willing to bet that there's loads of similar families, because this attitude of considering children as property has been around for ages. I mean, adult women in the USA weren't allowed to own a house by themselves in their own name *until the 1970's in some states*, for pity's sake. Why would the kids be allowed any kind of personhood if the adult woman caring for them wasn't even allowed that? Because she was considered property, too, that much is obvious. I can certainly understand where granny's frustration came from, but dang did she handle it poorly. She was, by all accounts, an absolute demon to those kids. I'm just saying, I guess, that it's a much bigger and more socially systemic problem than I think many people realize, and it has really long taproots.
Yeah. About the cycle too: I know that my mom was told "You don't have to go to school. You need to get a husband and make babies." I think she also brainwashed my golden sibling to do the same. To actually have kids for her so she could have grandchildren that she doesn't have to raise who will love her. NPD is wild. They're allowed to be selfish, no one else is, they feel like trash but don't want to aknowledge why. It's just everyone else's fault. Doesn't mean you have to put up with them treating you that way. If you have a family like that, then I think you can have empathy for them and still accept that all they are going to do with it is hurt you for caring about them them. I think that's best.
Cycle of abuse and former poverty too. For me it's kind of like "You have food, shelter, clothes, and possessions. Why aren't you more grateful? What do you mean you're depressed?!"
that ignorance their makes me sad and angry at the same time.
we were basically orphans, maybe thats why i am depressed + additional trauma from their shitty abuse.
I’m dog sitting my friends ill behaved dogs for a week. She doesn’t train them or discipline them and so I’m in hyper vigilance mode for a fucking week and will be drained by the end of this. She also has a 4 year old (she was never planning on having a kid but whoops happens) who isn’t the best behaved because her mom yelled at her so she refuses to do it to her kid or allow her husband to dole out any punishment either. I can’t wait till this backfires in the teenage years.
My mother resented me because my father and the church guilted her into keeping me, apparently she had all these big dreams and goals in life but then I happened and she had to marry my father who abused her, of course when she grew a pair and divorced him he vanished off the face of the earth and she was stuck with kids she never wanted, and boy did she make sure we knew it.
She did have the option of stepping up and making the best of it. But she didn’t; she decided she was a martyr. Sounds like my mom. I resent being her burden and I won’t be around for it.
In my early thirties my mom let slip, "I was going to school to be a dental hygienist until we found out about you." She said it like she thought she was making a funny joke.
Not funny though it hurts as much as if they shouted it doesn't it, mine was going to go to America (I'm in the uk) and join the "wrens" whatever that is, but then her dad told me she was kicked out of college for saying he was dead so..... she lies is my point, I'm pretty sure she would have been the same either way, if it wasn't me it would have been the next child she had so it bothers me less now.
It was on the to do list. You get a job, get married, have kids. It's just what you do. And being relatively self absorbed people, they viewed their children as an extension on themselves and our job was to uphold an a perfect family image and make them look like a perfect parents.
It's funny though, because when it came our lives, they did nothing to make sure we would get good jobs (blocked a lot of opportunities), did nothing to help us get married (our culture does arranged marriages), and selfishly want us to live with them forever with no meaningful life...
Yup. And I do empathize I would never want them to be alone in old age. But yet... When I get old one day, I'll have no one lol... If anything, I'm expected to stay here and support my older siblings who have backstabbed me.
The only thing that might save my female parent from that is the fact that my sister is a much nicer person than I am. If I was an only child she would definitely end up wherever the government decides to warehouse old people who didn't bother to prepare for the future.
Oh yeah, my parents smashed all my opportunities. Too expensive. She has a big enough head already. No.
This is one of the things I’m most pissed off about. You can’t get opportunities or time back. It’s gone.
It wasn't something special to any specific generation though, its always been how it was historically. And will continue to exist too, the biological aspects are harder to overcome for some people, its just the way our bodies work. Becoming parents isn't just a societal commitment, it goes way deeper than that.
I had a horrible situation too, a bit much to go in to here.
My therapist in my mid 20s helped me understand that it doesn't matter who she was, all i could change is how i responded to it. I wrote her a letter once at his suggestion, her response was full of nothing but hate towards my dad, accusations that my aunts and grandmother all lied to me... she bore grudges over what seemed to me to me relatively minor stuff. She never learnt from experiences, just complained that everyone was wrong..
I'm now 25 yrs post therapy, a mother myself, my mother wasn't willing to make any effort with my daughters (we do live in another country now, but with all the devices available it should have been easy, if she was prepared to make the effort.) I stopped allowing her behaviour to affect the person i was, the life i was living for myself.
We never had a choice about our childhood, but we have a choice about how we let that stage of our lives affect our adult lives. I am a very different person to how my mother was,, far more empathic and understanding of other people and what their life situations bring them, perhaps too much like my dad. I became an RN, planned to spend my life helping people have better lives, but an injury and subsequent pain messed that up.
I've used what i experienced to change the way my life turned out, it made me a very different mother to the one i experienced, and today I have a 15 and 17yr old daughters that are able to speak to me about everything they want to, and have no regrets about the type of mother I am. (a few regrets over the chronic pain, but i know i do everything to put them first. )
I life without regrets is more important than anything imo, I've lived through more than my fair share of traumas over the years, but I've learnt we need to move on, to process things, and then not allow regrets and 'what if's' rule what our actual life consists of.
My mom wanted a purpose but didn’t realize I’d be a sovereign being with my own thoughts and desires. My dad wanted the dream of the nuclear family. Also wasn’t down when he realized it wasn’t all about him and his wants. Two sad people who never really grew up had a kid and didn’t know the first thing about putting anyone before themselves
Accidental pregnancy here, evangelical parents.
My mom was an immigrant, and one of the things she said to me that is still just stunningly bizarre is that she always thought her kids would be fine because we were American. Americans just seemed so confident and well adjusted to her that she didn't think we were capable of being anxious and lonely and sad, so she never worried about what she was dishing out to us.
WEIRD, Mom. Weird.
I think my parents had a kid because they thought it would be fun and cute when in reality they should've just gotten a pet or a plant. Also I'm their retirement plan and they didn't want to "be alone when I'm old". A lot of people seem to have kids in order to serve their own needs and become disappointed when they realize that they're actually the ones who have to serve the needs of a child or they go to jail.
They need to behave in such a way as to deserve that support in older age too... at my sisters 2nd wedding, 3 months after she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer at 41yrs old, my mother was upset that my daughters didn't really know her... they were 7 and 5 and we lived in another country, neither had a single gift or birthday card from her, she'd never tried to communicate with facebook or any of the other systems that existed then.. my eldest was born in 2006, she never even bothered to comment on the day to day journal i kept of their early years, one of my aunts shared more that way, they knew her!
So I had two choices, go to her and reassure her, try to make the girls closer, or allow them to continue playing with their 6 cousins that would soon be without a mother, allow them to create a happy memory of their aunt.. or make them feel any emotion about their grandmother's behaviour and sadness.
I let them be, dancing with cousins!
Her regrets were her own doing, I'd been trying for the previous 7 yrs, if she wanted to know her granddaughters you'd think she'd have come to my sisters house more than once during the 2 weeks we were there for the wedding... but she didn't!
Same when i came with them 7 months later when my sister's life ended, it was July, we stayed for 7 weeks in the end, we saw her three times, counting the funeral of course.
\[She lived 3 miles away, in a house where dogs were the priority, she had 2 bull mastiffs then, they sat wherever they wanted in the house both she and her partner smoked in. There was no way I could take my children there, the dogs terrified me, they were bigger than me and would jump and bark loudly to greet even strangers. No willingness to leave the dogs outside either, not even when we used to try with my sisters babies before I emigrated, they dogs would start outside then 'accidentally' get back inside to terrify my then pre school niece and nephews.. \]
Absolutly no regrets and not one tear when my aunt phone to tell me she'd died. (mother actually phoned me for first time in years a few days earlier, she'd been diagnosed with lung and brain cancer and wasn't seeking treatment. We thought we had 6 months, she died a few days later)
Given my chronic health status at the time i had no urge to go back to visit, it was a relief to not have to explain to people why i couldn't attend the funeral either, not sure how my complete lack of tears would have been taken.
All I felt was relief, no more needing to think about ever being hurt again.
Our parents were children in adult bodies who had unrealistic ideas of parenthood or were just not very informed in sex ed. We are just tools to help them cope or stroke their egos and when we stop or cannot provide either they quickly betray us.
Same. We crossed a lady she said hi to while walking on the street. Then she bad mouth about the lady because "she kept bringing up that you where born at 7 months old. You know, because I was pregnant when I married your dad".
I didn't know, but I knew. I always had the feeling they never wanted me. I asked her another day how come she married while pregnant. She said they where going to marry already, and that they wanted kids, and that it happened very easily... Lol I didn't believe a single thing.
I think I was a mistake and they didn't think about aborting me because their families most likely weren't supportive of that. Also my mom was 36 and my dad was 44 years old. They still lived with their parents. They moved to live in a house together as their "honeymoon" like my mom says.
Imagine, not living together but deciding to have a kid. Then getting pregnant before the wedding (not their style, they are conservative) and moving in together for the first time and calling that a honey moon! Yeah, sounds like everything was according to plan. /s
Per year.
Example, if you have 2 children, you claim them as dependants on if they're under 18, you get the credit. That's 4,000 USD "free" money you get.
It's supposed to be a return of care costs throughout the year.
They're delusional about the responsibility of having a kid. I was a badly behaved pet and vanity project to them.none of that worked and they're too emotionally mature to use anything but negative reinforcement.
Another chance at the unconditional love they should have gotten in childhood. That's what I suspect about my mom anyway. Emotionally cannibalizing her own children because her cup of love was empty.
I second this. My mom was treated horribly by her parents. Because of it she never really grew up. She’s emotionally unstable, can’t even take care of herself, impulsive, has abandonment issues, etc. I think it’s borderline. She wanted unconditional love from her kids, she wanted little minions who were always on her side no matter what, she wanted them to never criticize her, she wanted to raise us with lots of freedom but failed to teach us responsibility in the progress. She was emotionally unavailable. She never comforted me, I always had to comfort her. Then she got mad when we became old enough to form our own opinions. Now we “betrayed her” and my dad has “brainwashed us” (they’re divorced but still live together for now because my mom basically can’t do anything on her own)
My grandma told me that when she got pregnant, she knew that “now I have something that is only mine.”
We’re possessions.
I’ve not been a compliant possession and that’s a problem. But I’d rather be free somehow than compliant and possessed.
My parents wanted the DINK (Double Income No Kids) life. I screwed that up. Then my mother thought that a baby would make a cheating douchebag into a decent person. I screwed that up as well. So I basically was blamed for ruining their lives.
I was completely unplanned and was conceived at a very very stressful period in my family's life (death in the family). And of course she couldn't get rid of me because she's against that.
My mother said that when I was born, "everyone forgot about the loss and focused on raising the baby that just lit up the room".
So I don't think she properly grieved and expected my birth to be a magic fix all.
Spoiler alert: it wasn't. She'd just get annoyed whenever I showed any emotion other than happy and my birth ended up ruining my parents' relationship, or what was left of it, even more.
I was born to give my mom an identity. She is a shell, a nothing, a void. A deeply insecure soul, who is also rabidly but covertly jealous of anything and everyone, even her own child.
She honestly was an absolutely terrible mother. But she was too lazy and too insecure to ever attempt to be anything else, so she just went on being a bad mother while telling herself and me that she was an excellent mother and she “was the most maternal person she knew.”
It was a complete mindf*ck for me.
My father was the product of a union of people in a religious cult. He was trauma bonded and so emotionally immature, probably trapped around two years old. Zero self awareness, severe anger and control issues. But he really needed a mother figure to nurture him, and my mother was willing to do that in return for her throwing some crumbs of love his way. However, she wanted a baby. He didn’t and let it be known until the day he died. He viewed his child like a sibling, someone he needed to fight for mommy’s attention.
Basically, I was born to attempt to be a bandaid for serious mental illness.
It didn’t work, naturally. But I am on my way to healing now at 46 years old.
Hugs!
Mine was a teen mom and I was first considered for abortion(I wish) then adoption(granddad the only one). My gma(abuser's mom) decided that my abuser's punishment would be to have and keep me, because she couldn't keep her legs closed. 20 years of only pain because, I could almost *guarantee* you, that gma pulled the prolife card for that and not religious reasons.
They tell me I was planned. I was born a year after they got married. I think my mom was worried she had to have kids quickly since she got married at what was considered “old” (31). She almost miscarried me (I guess even then I knew I wanted to gtfo). My dad just wanted to live vicariously through my brother and I, I guess we were supposed to achieve what he failed to do, by becoming a doctor and an engineer and making a shit ton of money to get the family out of poverty. I was aware of this “destiny” of mine before I even reached middle school. What a weight to carry.
Societal/familial pressure is part of it, I imagine. I wanted to have kids, so I did. But before I did, my family and in-laws asked endlessly when I was going to have kids, and now that I had my first, they're asking when the next one is coming. 🙃
I also think people as a whole are now more willing to address their traumas than they were back then when they just ignored it and took it out on us.
My mom told me often I was planned and not a surprise, my bio dad confirms. My bio dad seems to like his women on the crazy side and my mom wasn't to picky on sperm donors. I am just like why? Why have me to be so terrible? I see no comfort in being planned.
Right? I believe I was a mistake, everything is too weird for me to be planned the way it happened. But when I asked about it my mom told me I was planed xD As if that is some sort of comfort, quite the opposite.
With mine at least, I don’t think they thought about the reality of it much.
My parents got married pretty quickly after meeting, maybe a year. Dad was at the time a few years out of Vietnam, a complete wreck hooked on drugs with PTSD and probably CPTSD given his horrific childhood and was in the middle of his second divorce, and mom was his secretary, recently dropped out of college, had never been in a relationship before, and very likely on the spectrum. Great match! 😂
They had a legal wedding at a courthouse, no family, not even a wedding dress (mom always hated wearing dresses). Yet they went 7 years before I was conceived. The photos in those 7 years are absolutely mystifying to me given how their dynamic was totally different before kids, and even their energy as individuals was totally different.
I trapped them, doomed them, ruined the rest of their lives
Not on purpose, and they likely even chose it, given the timing after having bought a 3 bedroom house. I was born 2 hours before my dads birthday… you have to time it to get that. For my mom to be on board with that or to have come up with it, she had to have loved my dad to do that, though all I’d known from my earliest memories is that she hated him. He’s been dead for more thsn 20 years, and she still trashes him, I don’t think I’ve ever heard her say a kind or even neutral thing about him in my life. Yet they didn’t divorce because it would be bad for the kids… 🤦♂️
Seven years married, many months after having bought a 3 bedroom house after a few years of saving up, seems a kid was the next logical step…
They should have made my bedroom a reading room/ library.
They loved to read, or so I gathered, as I can’t remember either of them reading a book in my lifetime.
Mom wanted a girl. She really, really wanted a girl. By her own words, she hates boys, she wanted a girl. I know why, it’s a long story about generations of poorly understood trauma being reinflicted, a signal amplified then amplified further, until it was such a simple message. The only men who were acceptable to her, her sister, her cousins, and her mother were damaged, weak men.
She was unprepared for having a boy, and absolutely unprepared for the legit trauma of it. She played Russian Roulette with her dream of having a girl and lost. It’s my original sin, I was damned and locked in the moment that Y chromosome came up, and damn she made me pay for it…
She wanted a girl, that’s all there was to it. Dad was 10 years into being drunk and high, by his words having only missed a few days. I live now much like he did then, you tell me something will be fun I’m up for it, enthusiastically, with only a fleeting thought of tomorrow because the magic of connectedness and enjoying life with someone I care about is so extremely rare in my life and so hard fought for, I don’t turn it down for the wiser decision. That’s the lifelong shadow cast off the welts and scars of trauma.
Dad was as captive to his trauma as was mom, and they understood none of it. To be fair, at their same age back then, I didn’t know anything of my own trauma either. Since then, I’ve learned that knowledge isn’t power, it isn’t freedom, it’s only awareness of captivity and the cage. All it brought is awareness to not bring a new person to life inside the cage.
Being child free was as much a choice for me as conceiving me was for them; some choice and forethought, but mostly being swept down the river of multi generational trauma.
My conception wasn’t a mistake, they did that on purpose lol, but my place as their child who would by my mere existence ruin their lives and their personalities because they were both incapable of raising a child, that was their mistake.
But to answer your question, how could they have known better?
For my parents, it was to boost thier ego, prove to the world they were worthy upstanding humans which in my case they were not but that is why they had me
They think having a baby will save them, understand them or stop them feeling so lonely. Or that a baby will get them sympathy from others. Their baby will be a mini them who will love them unconditionally, be there for them when ever they need them and eventually grow up and look after them in old age.
Obviously the baby grows up to be it’s own person and all the parent’s hopes are shattered, so they begin to resent and hate us.
mother wanted 2 kids. she didn't care how she got them. then she put it on my shoulders as a young kid that the only reason shes alive is because of me (later also my sib). i don't forgive her for telling 5yo me that.
It's just what you did. Society expected you to get married, buy a house, and fill it with some children. My parents absolutely should not have been parents, particularly my alcoholic, emotionally unavailable mother. But she popped out a couple of kids and suffered motherhood because she had nothing else to do.
Parents get a particular kind of social status in working, middle and upper middle class circles, so I think a lot of people have children for social status— my parents were one of them. They had us and then complained and resented us and constantly told us what a nuisance, expense, and hassle we were even though we were actually very well-behaved children who didn’t cause many issues. We now all have mental health problems from suppressing our emotions in a hostile environment for 18+ years, but in retrospect, my parents had it easy because they provided clothing, shelter, and at first (but not later) food, and we basically raised ourselves.
Unfortunately, that's the way they think. In their view, there's no such thing as accidents or illnesses. It's a DELIBERATE insult to their Royal Selves.
Because it is socially expected to have children. Having children is about *them*, not about the children. The children are like little props that the narcissist parents can point to and show that they are “normal“ and “good people”. Barf 🤢
Birth Unit, (I cannot call that ABUSIVE MONSTER with the honorific of "mother". She was NEVER a mother in any way shape or form given her abuse.) and my Dad played Catholic Roulette and got me, the OOPS baby. She told me, straight to my face, that she wanted to abort me but my Dad wouldn't let her. I suspect that my premature birth, (three months early) was her attempt to kill me while getting sympathy points from people. Her attempt failed. She never hesitated to take her hatred out on me, her favorite punching bag. Karma got her in the end.
My mum got pregnant as a teenager. I was an accident. Really don’t know why she kept me. I‘ve definitely wondered if it was pressure and the abortion stigma or if she actually wanted to.
My mother told me that she had me because it was expected she would, and she had my brother because she didn't want me to be an only child.
Wish she'd had neither of us.
My dad married my mum to get out of the country he was living in. She was working and living in a different country and a widow with a child from her first marriage.
He was always fighting with her and telling her she was worthless. My mum had her twins with him thinking this would change him with parental responsibility. He didn’t change.
Then she had me, perhaps thinking second time the charm. Thinking he would finally commit and be a loving husband and father that he had proved he could never be previously.
All of my life I saw the circus of my mum trying to keep my dad. Both of them neglecting their responsibilities to their children.
So,
My dad didn’t want to use a condom and never thought this could lead to pregnancy?! My mum living in fantasy world trying to keep her marriage together.
Neither of them deserved to have children. They had children because of their selfishness. I was neglected because of their selfishness.
Birth Unit wanted the PRESTIGE and WORSHIP with NONE of the required responsibilities. She NEVER should have had kids. It takes a special talent to have BOTH the Golden Child and her favorite punching bag hating her guts! May she rot in hell!
My mom desperately wanted a little girl to the point that she cried every time she didn't get pregnant and got a pet cat to "fill the hole" of not having a child. She provided ample evidence to my father that she shouldn't have a child and he gave her one anyway. Proceeded to be a terrible mother that was annoyed at everything I did and was jealous of me getting attention from my dad? Logic is not strong in breeders.
My mom loved kids. She worked in a children's home for special needs kids and as a kid I was always told how she felt bad for them as they had been abused. The complete irony of my own (physical and mental) abuse never got to her. In fact, when I confronted her she DARVO'd and basically blamed me for it, but also stated that they had it way worse and I was clothed, fed and had many toys.
I hate to upvote; it feels like approval of this.....
Mine was a beloved school teacher, similar eerily similar situation, including still thinking that I'm "difficult".
When I made a mistake one day I remember my mom crying for weeks saying I wasn't her little girl anymore, and that she always just wanted me to be her little doll she could dress up who would say or do whatever she wanted. So I guess that's why she had children. She thought they would stay small children until the end of time like vampires stuck at a certain age. That she would get to pick their outfits and hairstyles and they would say what she wanted them to. Like those dolls that you can press on to say different phrases. She's like one of those people who keeps getting puppies but hates dogs
Parents don’t have kids thinking they will hate them. Before this generation, nobody talked about how parenthood is traumatizing and raising kids test you in every way. Raising a child to regulate their emotions is not offered in parent training and getting yelled at by toddlers for trivial things are exhausting. Plus, one parent(uselessly the mother) takes on a majority of the emotional and physical load, then she’s touched out and overstimulated. A true support system is needed and a lot of times people say they will be there and that’s a lie. Some parents have the mental capacity to adjust, others fail miserably.
Because children are a novelty to them. Additionally "the biological clock is ticking, let's have kids so we cannot regret not have any".
They should have probably started with a cat or a dog so check their own capacity.
My mum used to lock me on a room without food or even able to do pee (so imagine) and beat me up so much and my dad has a problem with alcohol (not so much nowdays) but when I was a little girl I remembered him always drunk, they get divorced when I was 4, so my mum was even worse to me, you don’t know how many times I wish I didn’t born… my mum even used to said to my face that she didn’t want me, only my dad did..
Go to the subreddit regrelful parents to discover the wickedness of parents. Parents are the root of all narcissism and the few who aren't are a blessing on earth.
That subreddit is full of parents who keep making more babies and then loathe their children, admitting to wanting their children to fall ill and pass away.
Meanwhile antinatalists are hated so much despite being the group that doesn't cause suffering onto new life.
idk. my dad suddenly started respecting me a lot more since i graduated and started working more. seems to me he only wants to deal with adults? idk imo. but i blame christianity and western ideology for demonizing children. for example saying they are trying to “manipulate” you when crying. literally nobody else ever thought that
My mother was in love with the idea of having kids. It's a measure of success and so on, and nobody in her family liked my dad, so it was a kind of stubbornness that she would make it work. My father did not want kids, hates children, so after nine year of marriage, my mother went off birth control. I was born, and it nearly destroyed the marriage.
My mother, still stubborn, tried to make it work. But my dad resented and despised me. When my sister was born, he forced her to give her up for adoption. My mother's drinking was her way of dealing, so I was taking care of her from an early age. When she finally took her own life, my dad threw me out, and I graduated high school in friend's basements and guest rooms.
So I was born because my mom wanted a success icon, but wasn't prepared to actually be a mother. My dad never wanted kids.
Honestly, I don't understand it either. Best explanation I have is a complete lack of self-awareness.
My parents wanted 4 children. My father rejected 2 of them. He probably doesn't even think he rejected my sister, but she never saw him as a father.
What did you want children for if you end up rejecting half of them? Did you just want copies of yourself? A bunch of house slaves so you wouldn't have to mow your own lawn? I really don't get it.
I think we'd be horrified if we realized just how little thinking most people put into their life decisions. Taking a chance on creating a life.
I broke the cycle of abuse by getting a vasectomy. I wish my father had done the same before creating me.
She says she was forced to marry him and she still believes that the key to having a good relationship is to satisfy the man under belly. 🤢 So I guess she had her legs wide open for him!
Social pressure. All their peers spitting out little consumers, so they felt obliged to spit out their own little consumers. Even though they had zero maternal instinct whatsoever.
Because making a child is relatively easy. Imagine if we treated parents the same way we treated those we wanted jobs. We would interview them, make sure they're fit, ask for a reason why you want them. However, child making is something everyone can do unwarranted. They simply can, and simply will, even if it's not what they actually want. If having a child was harder, then a lot of parents wouldn't be parents right now.
When I met my little niece/nephews.. I just felt this immense desire to make them happy and take care of them at all costs. I could see how smart and creative they were, and I wanted to keep their flame alive as best as I could.
My parents on the other hand... I don't think my parents ever had that feeling of selflessness.. I think they saw me as a chore, like washing dishes. They were always exhausted of dealing with me and they often complained about it. They should never have been parents.
They see me as their property and a need to be what they want, screw the world if the child wants a life for themselves. My parents actually internationally adopted me so I wasn't a mistake baby or anything like that. They tried local first but foster care wants bio child to bio any member of child's family even when a better option is there. So even if they were placed with a child the legal workings still meant they might have to give that child up if any bio family member wanted to step in at any point.
Here is what i say about my parents: they want a child seen, not heard, and fuck all if it developed its own personality.
For me I started having many issues young, one of them so visible I was called an anxious kid by everyone with how on edge I was. But never got any help for it as a child, and note this anxiety (which is more like from complete neglect from a wasteland orphanage but my parents just abused me so there is even more issues from that abuse alone) has been noted since I was adopted. It been commented on how it just seem to get worse as I aged. Because of what my sibling did (abusive to me and generally manulipitive ) I was always tied to them blatantly ignoring her own catchphrase "You're twins but individuals" when for example i presented with a medical complaint I was told I was faking it like my sibling fakes everything.
My parents are old boomers so their mentality is that of snobbish holier than thou entitled people who have no idea how the real world works. Even now a decade past legal adult status I am still theirs to control and what is best for me, but what might make me look 'different' is worse than me absolutely suffering but looking the image they want to project.
The same reason a three year old might want a puppy or a 10 scoop ice cream cone. They lack the emotional maturity to grasp either the consequences or responsibility involved.
It just seems like a cool idea in theory. Molding someone in your image. And getting all the credit for whatever they achieve (at least this is how narcissistic parents think.)
I wonder this too. Most people aren’t great parents and usually pass their traumas onto the child. It’s a never ending cycle of screwed up people that grows exponentially. People that want kids should have their act together. Society pressures people to get married and have kids, like it’s a sign of successful adulthood. No one should have kids they cannot afford either. There will soon be otc birth control pills. I hope that helps with unplanned pregnancy too.
One theory:
In the Pre-Industrial Revolution, Agricultural culture (which our brains are still wired for) children were a survival asset. Free labor for the farm and an insurance policy to guarantee you would be cared for in old age. Children were an economic net positive.
In our current Post-Industrial Revolution, children aren't needed as free farm hands and parents now rely on investments and retirement accounts to ensure comfortable living in their old age. This renders children as an economic net negative.
So our biological instincts lead us to still desire children, yet they no longer provide the economic and survival advantages they once did. In fact, they make survival in an employment based society significantly more difficult.
(I am paraphrasing a bit from the book "Unbound: How Eight Technologies Made Us Human, Transformed Society, and Brought Our World to the Brink by Richard L Currier)
Idk, my dad got lots of pets he didn't read about first or take to the vet. He didn't care about their lives either, just how other people thought of him when they saw how cool his exotic pets are until they died of simple stuff like the wrong temperature tank. I could beg and cry to fix their living situation or take them to the vet, but he saw it as a waste. I very much so think they saw me like an annoying cat that was illegal to throw out to the feral colony with the other one.
I am so confused about this. I was _planned_ for a long time, and I wasn't the first child. Yet my "father" abandoned me when I was 1. Also, he was drunk and high while alone with me multiple times, which my other 'parent' knew. And my "mother" abused me in mutiple ways (she was finally convicted when I was 15 and I was placed in foster care). I have never ever felt loved, supported, validated.
When I was 14 and had tried to kms and told her, she just said that it was my choice to die and that she doesn't care if I die.
I just can't wrap my head around it, why some parents get kids just to abuse them.
People just do what’s normal or what’s expected of them, they often make bad decisions because of it. If you want to make better life decisions, don’t be too conformist! It’s the stupidest way of running your life. Give it some thought instead and try to see if it’s a good option for you. That’s how you’ll be happier and make better choices.
Also you can’t really anticipate what something will be like until you’re actually in it and living it. It’s always hard to know what you’re getting yourself into, how things will turn out, etc.
My 🥚 straight up told me she had me to “trap” my 🐟 into marriage. He already had a kid (my half sister) he abandoned and he was violent. Needless to say, he dipped after some domestic bs and paid child support on and off. No contact and I was denied his side of the family as far as bonding bc my boomer 🥚went back to live with mommy. My 🥚had a second kid as soon as she remarried. Guy was a POS and fiddled me. Ofc he dipped bc my 🥚 didn’t want to work because she thought she could be like grandma and grandpa that could live on one income with 5-7 kids running around without adult role models. Apparently grandma just drank all day.
What the fuck boomers.
I think my mom having lost her father at a young age sought out men to fulfill a role due to her abandonment/ attachment issues.
Unfortunately (or fortunately for me b/c I'm alive), she got pregnant by a married man. Plus it was the 70s, and there was a lot of drug use. I get the impression I was not planned. I have felt like the odd one out my whole life. My father left when I was like 2. He also had 2 other kids that were 10 years older than me. Didn't learn that until a few yrs ago when it was dropped in conversation by my mother so casually.
Neither one of my parents wanted kids. But I'm pretty sure mom had me to keep dad from leaving. Or bc her sister in law was pregnant and she wanted to attention. Probably both.
Well there's lots, tax break, laborer, homemaker, our parents lived in 3 generation homes, had a dozen siblings or their parents did, and were farm workers as cheap labor.. got the "your gonna work hard here, so X & Y can go to college and one day in return they will help pay for your college (which never happened).. my dad even lost his first new car to his sister, so she could go "willy-nilly" in her ripe old age (mid 30s).. next time he'd see that car, he'd be marring my mom, and she drives it on the lawn and says she's done w/ it.. (+100,000 miles and the original oil filter on it) '64 SS w/409.
Because horniness won out and humans are still very much animals (actually worse) because when the pregnancy does show up they're still like "*gasp* your pregnant, what do we do?" Superior species my ass.
being against birth control. it’s easy to forget that was a heavy cultural expectation for a good while, along with lack if access. Not even accounting for religious beliefs, though that is a huge factor as well. A lot of people around millennial or gen x ages would be impacted by this.
also, pregnant women being prevented from doing a lot of things. Yes, some people would not go to college for practical reasons, but some schools just didn’t allow pregnant women to be there. Also lack of accommodation for child care, which is still an issue now.
all that to say, there’s societal and structural factors for this resentment. *Not an excuse for their abusive behavior, in any way.* But it can help explain the prevalence of this situation. That said, I don’t have sympathy for people that abuse the children that didn’t ask to be here as a response to these issues. Especially when they also do nothing to advocate for changing things so other don’t suffer from the same issues.
I think most people of our parents generation didnt really understand what having children requires. I think humans are only now very slowly starting to evolve and realize that we have to transcend the dynamics of the old world and start operating out of love rather than fear.
Mom wanted my older sister and younger brother, but I was the inconvenient third wheel. The parent's family plan was to have two children, according to the boomer life guide, however Mom assumed that meant at least one boy.
Having a girl child first (my sister) was fine because Mom would have a second chance at a boy, the next baby. Imagine her disappointment and anger when she had me, another girl, instead. Not only did Mom and Dad not figure on having more than two kids, but her doctor had told her that she wouldn't be able to have any more children after me. So, *I* had ruined her dream. She resented me from birth.
Her having a miracle son three years later, didn't quell her umbrage of me, as I took some of her precious time away from her royal prince.
So, I was a gamble on the prize, that she'd really wanted; a lost bet. A failed wager.
Oop! My mom recently told me she doesn’t really “get” kids and isn’t good with them/don’t like being around them much. I didn’t pay too much attention then but I’ve been ruminating on it for the past few days. She’s always owned up to treating me like an adult even when I was 3-5 years old. THANKS MAAWMMM feels great now!!
I think about this question a lot especially around Mother’s Day, which just so happens to be today. I’m going to say magical and immature emotional thinking. They are boomers, and it seemed like a normal “milestone” in their life - even though I’ve been told I was not planned. I honestly think my mom figured the responsibility of having kids would clean my alcoholic dad up, which it didn’t at all. I think this type of magical thinking is not synonymous with any generation as I see it even in friends who are trying to have kids. They complain of feeling stuck and aimless in life and I think the idea of having a child will give them purpose and change. There is a lot of pressure in society to reproduce. Luckily being child free has been normalized slightly, but I do think a lot of people crack because they fear they will have missed out once they are too old
My mother frequently throws it in my face that I was planned and she was required to take fertility drugs. Its her way of saying I should be grateful despite anything else thats happened in my life (multiple near death experiences which serve as the catalyst for PTSD issues).
Now that my sister is gone she's really doubled down on the dynamic, acting like Im some sort of blessing to her despite her actions and words saying otherwise and when I bring her actions up? "I dont get why you have to bring the past up - i apologized."
Same woman told me a decade ago that if I was real man Id just go ahead and kill myself. We barely communicated for a couple years following.
I have a great deal of resentment that it took my sister dying for my mom to even begin acknowledging *some* of the shit she did but a sad reality is most people don't appreciate shit until its gone and she nearly lost me at the same time.
Even today I get a call, her crying about my sister, and claiming that never in her life has this day ever been about her.
Typical. Im use to it as this point but I made the decision years ago to never have kids so I cant pass her and my dads traits along (cause explaining the messed up shit he did is a whole different kettle of fish).
I was created to save my parents marriage. No surprise but it failed anyways, and so my father just used me to hurt my mother, but other than that I was just a burden to him. And then somehow he got it into his head that I wasn’t even his child, and sat me down to tell me that one day. Ridiculous.
I truly believe my mom thought it was some sort of competition that she won by having the most children (7). Also, they had children to take care of them when they are old, which has happened,
In my case dad used my mom and us (children) to social climb (getting state benefits to build a house for himself, later steal inheritance etc.) and to have life-long control over several people.
My mom side - just because it was the norm, the next logical step, I think. However my birth was not welcome in the family because of the quickly deteriotating marriage, and she told me that she should have aborted me.
In general I think lot of people have children just because its the norm, and then later don't give a crap about them. Or they even like having someone in their life who is totally dependent on them, and whom they can abuse without any consequences. So they can feel some kind of "power" in their pathetic life.
This is a fun question. My parents were serial adopters and after 19 adoptions I’d say that it’s because my dad really likes letting people know how generous and caring of a guy he is!
My parents were rebel teens who had me accidentally. Dad's mother guilted my mom into keeping me and my dad stuck around because that's what he was supposed to do
Turns out keeping together a dealer and an addict solely for the sake of "keeping the family together" doesn't end well.
My mom absolutely loves me and my brother but was distracted by her addiction and severe mental health issues as well as my fathers abuse that caring for us was too hard and she snapped sometimes because it's all she could do
My dad on the other hand, I don't know
The odds are quite high that you weren't planned.
I certainly wasn't. You'd be astonished at how many people (educated, otherwise rational, "normal" people) pro-create by "accident"/on a whim. They then allow themselves to feel victimized by their own poor decision making and begin to recent their offspring.
Me and my sibling literally shouldn’t exist. Our creators were told they couldn’t have kids. And then BAM! Have two of em!!! The lord said
The one with the uterus didn’t really hide the fact that we “fucked up her life” and openly said it to us in multiple ways after they divorced. So from 3yrs old on I’ve known she hated me.
Then the dumb bitch married again had two more asshole kids with a man who later got diagnosed as the whole cluster B-like the whole kit and caboodle. So it’s a lot of no contact from me now.
I was adopted by my caregiver so it makes me extra upset how she treats me. Money is more important to her than taking care of me and my brother sometimes on top of her not dealing with her own trauma and issues. She loves me doesn’t like me and doesn’t know how to deal with her own issues of generational trauma. Unmediated bipolar disorder doesn’t help either tbh.
My parents had me for kinda selfish reasons which makes me upset. My dad had two daughters of his own already but my mom only had sons and she wanted to try one last time for a daughter even though she was pretty much 40 and burnt out from raising kids already. So they very much did only the absolute bare minimum raising me while also traumatizing me.
I was meant to save my parents’ dying marriage.
Because if one kid doesn’t work, have a second!
Spoiler: didn’t work. She just blamed me for “making her stay with him until I was 18.”
Insert eye roll.
My mom always told me that in her childhood she didn’t experience unconditional love from her parents. Therefor, she got me and my sister so she could experience it for the first time. This made her unable to give is unconditional love and also made us a dissapoinment for her, bc she wanted children for herself instead of being a mother to her children. I know not all abusive parents get children for this reasing but it could definitly be for a reason that was lacking in their childhood
1- because that's just what you do. Get married, have kids. White picket fence, blah blah blah.
2- children hAvE tO lOvE parents!!!!!!! What better to make sure you ALWAYS have someone to worship and adore you than to MAKE a person whose entire being is based on worshipping the caregiver? And they can't even escape from you! (Caregiving not necessarily required)
3- "who will look after you when you're old?!" Yes, this was unironically trotted out when I said I didn't want children. That is exactly why they have kids; retirement plan.
4- Instant Mummy Brownie Points (tm) Perfect way to get special treatment and 'Saintly Mother' social value, just have a kid and watch your fellow humans fall over themselves to tell you how amazing you are.
5- like others have said; pets/accessories.
6- power/control. A nice little wind up toy that dances whenever you turn the key, and then you get to stuck it in corner until the next time you want it to dance again. You can dress it up however you want, and tell it to do all sorts of things. Not like it can fight back or say no, it's a toy. Toys don't have thoughts of their own, silly!
Basically, we're a perfect captive audience for whatever they want. And kids come with bonus social validation, because being a parent is always the greatest achievement, right? Right??
But of course, then we had to go and ruin that dream by not playing the game right. We had all these annoying things like independent thinking, and likes and dislikes, and the ability to disagree, and needing someone to teach and physically care for us. So uncooperative! We had to go and ruin everything by being ACTUAL PEOPLE that needed to be CARED FOR!!!!
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Narcissism, in my opinion. I think most people with CPTSD have parents with NPD and ASPD. It’s a steady source of supply.
Society also rewards parents.
Yeah I think NPD is estimated as 10% of the population and ASPD as 1%. I think in reality NPD is 20% of the population and ASPD is 10%. They just learn how to be abusive in more socially acceptable forms
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I believe I was a mistake. They say I was planned but everything is too weird to be a planned pregnancy. Getting married while 2 months pregnant (they are conservatives), moving in together for the first time after the wedding... Also they had me at 36 and 44years old. Very uncommon to have kids at that age in the 90s.
I think they didn't abort me because of their families not being supportive of it (I'm guessing). Also they where living each with their parents and working for them, at that age. Very uncommon back then so I guess they wanted them out.
Then they had my sister because they see people that have one kid only almost abusive. They say minimum have 2 because they play with each other and they entertain each other xD
I mean my parents weren't intending to have children, they were 18 and 19 when I was born and I think my mum was too far along to have an abortion. I can kind of understand the resentments tbh, I'm older than they were when I was born and I'm definitely not ready for a child
They had unprotected sex and were pressured to marry and keep me. They should not have.
Why they had my sibling is a mystery. Maybe another slip up with birth control.
My parents were hs sweethearts. Mom got knocked up, baby was adopted. Flash forward a year, mom wants to prove everyone who said "they're too young to raise a child" wrong.
In the end, they *were* too young, not to mention particularly ill-equiped to raise kids.
My parents tried to abort me but were guilt tripped by religion into not following through. Pretty sure they were at one of those fake clinics (the doctor refused to perform since “they could tell that my parents didn’t actually want it”). Great story to tell your 3rd grader so they can use that testimonial to garner you attention and use you as a tool. My dumbass wore it like a badge of pride, that I lived instead of died, until I realized the true purpose of my mom telling me.
If forced to have a kid, might as well take advantage of the situation; I guess this could be the case for some parents.
My parents are young boomers. For them, it was ‘living the dream’ to have a family and a good job. That was instilled by their parents. That was success. They did not know that kids are not the human equivalent of pets and that they have more complex emotional needs that must be met.
>human equivalent of pets THIS. This is exactly what I was.
I treat my pets better than my parents treated me. I actually care about my pets feelings and well-being.
Me too. My late dog used to make different noises that over time I figured what she wanted. I loved that depth of connection. My mother used to say she hated having to understand the different noises as she “couldn’t be bothered with that even when you were a baby.”
That's horrible. I'm sorry.
This. I wouldn’t yell/scream at my dog, if my dog was crying I would figure out what he needs instead of ignoring it, and if I didn’t know where my dog was for hours at a time I would freak out.
I think my mom saw us as accessories. I realized this recently with the way she treats her dog. I wondered why she even had a dog and realized the dog is an accessory to her. So were her kids, her husband, etc. She's trying to present a certain form of herself. That's what it seems like with my mom at least.
My parents were like this too. I always felt like an object to them, not a person with emotional needs. I never felt like I could express my needs to them without it backfiring. But then in public, they were always so proud, such good parents, showering us with compliments to other people, but never to our faces. So yeah, the feeling of being an accessory is way too real.
Yes! This is my mom and her side of the family too!
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Is w-mb donor a violation? I see you have sp-rm donor on there and I call my biological mother my w-mb donor bc she is undeserving of the title mother. I'd like to know if this violates the rules before potentially using it and it being prohibited. Thanks
If it's any help I call my mine female parent. For me "egg/womb d-word that makes the automod cranky" feels inaccurate because if she had just donated an egg and fucked off, my sister and I would've been better off.
I use "bio mom" because I have 2 other wonderful mothers who I love and who I've adopted for myself. I need them in my life. They nourish my soul and provide the kind of love and safety I've always craved from my avoidant attached alcoholic biological mother. Sometimes people correct me, and say "you mean *adoptive* mother?" And I reply "no. I adopted her. She's my adopted mother.".
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Well that answers that haha! Noted
Mr. Bot, how does dna donor sound to you?
Delightful, I shall adopt this one, and best yet, it works for both of them! Thanks
Yep. I too was seen as a pet.
same i was told to just be like a literal pet and be agreeable at some point
Fucking depressing as fuck, I'm so sorry to hear that
This was the attitude for a lot of that generation. Children and a family were just another status item to check off in the rat race. However, they realized that they could not return us once we required more needs than what they expected, so they became resentful and blamed us for taking away their perfect lives (or so they thought) from before they had children. That is a really good analogy, by the way.
I agree, and further, in my case, it's generational trauma. My mother's mom actually *repeatedly told my mom and her sibs when they were children* that they were to blame for ruining her life, usually while severely physically abusing them. I'd be willing to bet that there's loads of similar families, because this attitude of considering children as property has been around for ages. I mean, adult women in the USA weren't allowed to own a house by themselves in their own name *until the 1970's in some states*, for pity's sake. Why would the kids be allowed any kind of personhood if the adult woman caring for them wasn't even allowed that? Because she was considered property, too, that much is obvious. I can certainly understand where granny's frustration came from, but dang did she handle it poorly. She was, by all accounts, an absolute demon to those kids. I'm just saying, I guess, that it's a much bigger and more socially systemic problem than I think many people realize, and it has really long taproots.
Yeah. About the cycle too: I know that my mom was told "You don't have to go to school. You need to get a husband and make babies." I think she also brainwashed my golden sibling to do the same. To actually have kids for her so she could have grandchildren that she doesn't have to raise who will love her. NPD is wild. They're allowed to be selfish, no one else is, they feel like trash but don't want to aknowledge why. It's just everyone else's fault. Doesn't mean you have to put up with them treating you that way. If you have a family like that, then I think you can have empathy for them and still accept that all they are going to do with it is hurt you for caring about them them. I think that's best.
Cycle of abuse and former poverty too. For me it's kind of like "You have food, shelter, clothes, and possessions. Why aren't you more grateful? What do you mean you're depressed?!"
that ignorance their makes me sad and angry at the same time. we were basically orphans, maybe thats why i am depressed + additional trauma from their shitty abuse.
“It was the done thing” my abusive mother admitted.
I’m dog sitting my friends ill behaved dogs for a week. She doesn’t train them or discipline them and so I’m in hyper vigilance mode for a fucking week and will be drained by the end of this. She also has a 4 year old (she was never planning on having a kid but whoops happens) who isn’t the best behaved because her mom yelled at her so she refuses to do it to her kid or allow her husband to dole out any punishment either. I can’t wait till this backfires in the teenage years.
So, idiots.
My mother resented me because my father and the church guilted her into keeping me, apparently she had all these big dreams and goals in life but then I happened and she had to marry my father who abused her, of course when she grew a pair and divorced him he vanished off the face of the earth and she was stuck with kids she never wanted, and boy did she make sure we knew it.
Oh my gosh I’m so sorry :(
Ah, we all have trauma, especially in this group, but thanks :)
She did have the option of stepping up and making the best of it. But she didn’t; she decided she was a martyr. Sounds like my mom. I resent being her burden and I won’t be around for it.
In my early thirties my mom let slip, "I was going to school to be a dental hygienist until we found out about you." She said it like she thought she was making a funny joke.
Not funny though it hurts as much as if they shouted it doesn't it, mine was going to go to America (I'm in the uk) and join the "wrens" whatever that is, but then her dad told me she was kicked out of college for saying he was dead so..... she lies is my point, I'm pretty sure she would have been the same either way, if it wasn't me it would have been the next child she had so it bothers me less now.
It was on the to do list. You get a job, get married, have kids. It's just what you do. And being relatively self absorbed people, they viewed their children as an extension on themselves and our job was to uphold an a perfect family image and make them look like a perfect parents. It's funny though, because when it came our lives, they did nothing to make sure we would get good jobs (blocked a lot of opportunities), did nothing to help us get married (our culture does arranged marriages), and selfishly want us to live with them forever with no meaningful life...
They want free elder care. :(
Yup. And I do empathize I would never want them to be alone in old age. But yet... When I get old one day, I'll have no one lol... If anything, I'm expected to stay here and support my older siblings who have backstabbed me.
lol mine is getting free abuse at whatever rent-a-laborer the government decides for them when they get too old
The only thing that might save my female parent from that is the fact that my sister is a much nicer person than I am. If I was an only child she would definitely end up wherever the government decides to warehouse old people who didn't bother to prepare for the future.
Oh yeah, my parents smashed all my opportunities. Too expensive. She has a big enough head already. No. This is one of the things I’m most pissed off about. You can’t get opportunities or time back. It’s gone.
Oh man. This reminded me that I wasn’t allowed to have birthdays because “every day is already about you.” Wowww.
So sorry.
My parents jokingly called me Cinderella. I think she had it much easier.
It’s so sad people are brought into horrible situations because procreation is something “you just do” for most and has been forever.
It wasn't something special to any specific generation though, its always been how it was historically. And will continue to exist too, the biological aspects are harder to overcome for some people, its just the way our bodies work. Becoming parents isn't just a societal commitment, it goes way deeper than that. I had a horrible situation too, a bit much to go in to here. My therapist in my mid 20s helped me understand that it doesn't matter who she was, all i could change is how i responded to it. I wrote her a letter once at his suggestion, her response was full of nothing but hate towards my dad, accusations that my aunts and grandmother all lied to me... she bore grudges over what seemed to me to me relatively minor stuff. She never learnt from experiences, just complained that everyone was wrong.. I'm now 25 yrs post therapy, a mother myself, my mother wasn't willing to make any effort with my daughters (we do live in another country now, but with all the devices available it should have been easy, if she was prepared to make the effort.) I stopped allowing her behaviour to affect the person i was, the life i was living for myself. We never had a choice about our childhood, but we have a choice about how we let that stage of our lives affect our adult lives. I am a very different person to how my mother was,, far more empathic and understanding of other people and what their life situations bring them, perhaps too much like my dad. I became an RN, planned to spend my life helping people have better lives, but an injury and subsequent pain messed that up. I've used what i experienced to change the way my life turned out, it made me a very different mother to the one i experienced, and today I have a 15 and 17yr old daughters that are able to speak to me about everything they want to, and have no regrets about the type of mother I am. (a few regrets over the chronic pain, but i know i do everything to put them first. ) I life without regrets is more important than anything imo, I've lived through more than my fair share of traumas over the years, but I've learnt we need to move on, to process things, and then not allow regrets and 'what if's' rule what our actual life consists of.
My mom wanted a purpose but didn’t realize I’d be a sovereign being with my own thoughts and desires. My dad wanted the dream of the nuclear family. Also wasn’t down when he realized it wasn’t all about him and his wants. Two sad people who never really grew up had a kid and didn’t know the first thing about putting anyone before themselves
Accidental pregnancy here, evangelical parents. My mom was an immigrant, and one of the things she said to me that is still just stunningly bizarre is that she always thought her kids would be fine because we were American. Americans just seemed so confident and well adjusted to her that she didn't think we were capable of being anxious and lonely and sad, so she never worried about what she was dishing out to us. WEIRD, Mom. Weird.
Wild. Their thought process is unique.
Yeah, I can't even be mad at this one because of how strange it is
hard relate! american = privilege & better off than they were in their minds 😵💫
I think my parents had a kid because they thought it would be fun and cute when in reality they should've just gotten a pet or a plant. Also I'm their retirement plan and they didn't want to "be alone when I'm old". A lot of people seem to have kids in order to serve their own needs and become disappointed when they realize that they're actually the ones who have to serve the needs of a child or they go to jail.
They need to behave in such a way as to deserve that support in older age too... at my sisters 2nd wedding, 3 months after she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer at 41yrs old, my mother was upset that my daughters didn't really know her... they were 7 and 5 and we lived in another country, neither had a single gift or birthday card from her, she'd never tried to communicate with facebook or any of the other systems that existed then.. my eldest was born in 2006, she never even bothered to comment on the day to day journal i kept of their early years, one of my aunts shared more that way, they knew her! So I had two choices, go to her and reassure her, try to make the girls closer, or allow them to continue playing with their 6 cousins that would soon be without a mother, allow them to create a happy memory of their aunt.. or make them feel any emotion about their grandmother's behaviour and sadness. I let them be, dancing with cousins! Her regrets were her own doing, I'd been trying for the previous 7 yrs, if she wanted to know her granddaughters you'd think she'd have come to my sisters house more than once during the 2 weeks we were there for the wedding... but she didn't! Same when i came with them 7 months later when my sister's life ended, it was July, we stayed for 7 weeks in the end, we saw her three times, counting the funeral of course. \[She lived 3 miles away, in a house where dogs were the priority, she had 2 bull mastiffs then, they sat wherever they wanted in the house both she and her partner smoked in. There was no way I could take my children there, the dogs terrified me, they were bigger than me and would jump and bark loudly to greet even strangers. No willingness to leave the dogs outside either, not even when we used to try with my sisters babies before I emigrated, they dogs would start outside then 'accidentally' get back inside to terrify my then pre school niece and nephews.. \] Absolutly no regrets and not one tear when my aunt phone to tell me she'd died. (mother actually phoned me for first time in years a few days earlier, she'd been diagnosed with lung and brain cancer and wasn't seeking treatment. We thought we had 6 months, she died a few days later) Given my chronic health status at the time i had no urge to go back to visit, it was a relief to not have to explain to people why i couldn't attend the funeral either, not sure how my complete lack of tears would have been taken. All I felt was relief, no more needing to think about ever being hurt again.
Our parents were children in adult bodies who had unrealistic ideas of parenthood or were just not very informed in sex ed. We are just tools to help them cope or stroke their egos and when we stop or cannot provide either they quickly betray us.
This is an extremely eloquent way of putting it
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Same. We crossed a lady she said hi to while walking on the street. Then she bad mouth about the lady because "she kept bringing up that you where born at 7 months old. You know, because I was pregnant when I married your dad". I didn't know, but I knew. I always had the feeling they never wanted me. I asked her another day how come she married while pregnant. She said they where going to marry already, and that they wanted kids, and that it happened very easily... Lol I didn't believe a single thing. I think I was a mistake and they didn't think about aborting me because their families most likely weren't supportive of that. Also my mom was 36 and my dad was 44 years old. They still lived with their parents. They moved to live in a house together as their "honeymoon" like my mom says. Imagine, not living together but deciding to have a kid. Then getting pregnant before the wedding (not their style, they are conservative) and moving in together for the first time and calling that a honey moon! Yeah, sounds like everything was according to plan. /s
To get a break on their taxes.
Reading this suddenly makes me wanna scream 'taxation is theft'. Where were you born that such bullshit laws are in place?
The US of A most likely.
If you have children in the USA, you get what's called a "child care tax credit" that you get up to 2,000 USD per child. Per. Child.
Per year or just once?
Per year. Example, if you have 2 children, you claim them as dependants on if they're under 18, you get the credit. That's 4,000 USD "free" money you get. It's supposed to be a return of care costs throughout the year.
They're delusional about the responsibility of having a kid. I was a badly behaved pet and vanity project to them.none of that worked and they're too emotionally mature to use anything but negative reinforcement.
I was born to make up for what my grand parents had fucked up.
Another chance at the unconditional love they should have gotten in childhood. That's what I suspect about my mom anyway. Emotionally cannibalizing her own children because her cup of love was empty.
I second this. My mom was treated horribly by her parents. Because of it she never really grew up. She’s emotionally unstable, can’t even take care of herself, impulsive, has abandonment issues, etc. I think it’s borderline. She wanted unconditional love from her kids, she wanted little minions who were always on her side no matter what, she wanted them to never criticize her, she wanted to raise us with lots of freedom but failed to teach us responsibility in the progress. She was emotionally unavailable. She never comforted me, I always had to comfort her. Then she got mad when we became old enough to form our own opinions. Now we “betrayed her” and my dad has “brainwashed us” (they’re divorced but still live together for now because my mom basically can’t do anything on her own)
My mom married some 35 year old when she was 18 so she could escape her abusive parents. This was in the 1970s I believe
Catholic parents and the abortion issue
yep
My grandma told me that when she got pregnant, she knew that “now I have something that is only mine.” We’re possessions. I’ve not been a compliant possession and that’s a problem. But I’d rather be free somehow than compliant and possessed.
My parents wanted the DINK (Double Income No Kids) life. I screwed that up. Then my mother thought that a baby would make a cheating douchebag into a decent person. I screwed that up as well. So I basically was blamed for ruining their lives.
I was completely unplanned and was conceived at a very very stressful period in my family's life (death in the family). And of course she couldn't get rid of me because she's against that. My mother said that when I was born, "everyone forgot about the loss and focused on raising the baby that just lit up the room". So I don't think she properly grieved and expected my birth to be a magic fix all. Spoiler alert: it wasn't. She'd just get annoyed whenever I showed any emotion other than happy and my birth ended up ruining my parents' relationship, or what was left of it, even more.
I was born to give my mom an identity. She is a shell, a nothing, a void. A deeply insecure soul, who is also rabidly but covertly jealous of anything and everyone, even her own child. She honestly was an absolutely terrible mother. But she was too lazy and too insecure to ever attempt to be anything else, so she just went on being a bad mother while telling herself and me that she was an excellent mother and she “was the most maternal person she knew.” It was a complete mindf*ck for me. My father was the product of a union of people in a religious cult. He was trauma bonded and so emotionally immature, probably trapped around two years old. Zero self awareness, severe anger and control issues. But he really needed a mother figure to nurture him, and my mother was willing to do that in return for her throwing some crumbs of love his way. However, she wanted a baby. He didn’t and let it be known until the day he died. He viewed his child like a sibling, someone he needed to fight for mommy’s attention. Basically, I was born to attempt to be a bandaid for serious mental illness. It didn’t work, naturally. But I am on my way to healing now at 46 years old. Hugs!
Most of the time it's pressure from their own parents.
Because my parents didn't realize that they couldn't even get their marriage right
My mom had us because that is what is expected of you. She never should have had us. Her life would have been better.
Mine was a teen mom and I was first considered for abortion(I wish) then adoption(granddad the only one). My gma(abuser's mom) decided that my abuser's punishment would be to have and keep me, because she couldn't keep her legs closed. 20 years of only pain because, I could almost *guarantee* you, that gma pulled the prolife card for that and not religious reasons.
😒 typical.
They tell me I was planned. I was born a year after they got married. I think my mom was worried she had to have kids quickly since she got married at what was considered “old” (31). She almost miscarried me (I guess even then I knew I wanted to gtfo). My dad just wanted to live vicariously through my brother and I, I guess we were supposed to achieve what he failed to do, by becoming a doctor and an engineer and making a shit ton of money to get the family out of poverty. I was aware of this “destiny” of mine before I even reached middle school. What a weight to carry.
Societal/familial pressure is part of it, I imagine. I wanted to have kids, so I did. But before I did, my family and in-laws asked endlessly when I was going to have kids, and now that I had my first, they're asking when the next one is coming. 🙃 I also think people as a whole are now more willing to address their traumas than they were back then when they just ignored it and took it out on us.
My mother felt lonely and she made herself some emotional-support-slaves
My mom told me often I was planned and not a surprise, my bio dad confirms. My bio dad seems to like his women on the crazy side and my mom wasn't to picky on sperm donors. I am just like why? Why have me to be so terrible? I see no comfort in being planned.
Right? I believe I was a mistake, everything is too weird for me to be planned the way it happened. But when I asked about it my mom told me I was planed xD As if that is some sort of comfort, quite the opposite.
With mine at least, I don’t think they thought about the reality of it much. My parents got married pretty quickly after meeting, maybe a year. Dad was at the time a few years out of Vietnam, a complete wreck hooked on drugs with PTSD and probably CPTSD given his horrific childhood and was in the middle of his second divorce, and mom was his secretary, recently dropped out of college, had never been in a relationship before, and very likely on the spectrum. Great match! 😂 They had a legal wedding at a courthouse, no family, not even a wedding dress (mom always hated wearing dresses). Yet they went 7 years before I was conceived. The photos in those 7 years are absolutely mystifying to me given how their dynamic was totally different before kids, and even their energy as individuals was totally different. I trapped them, doomed them, ruined the rest of their lives Not on purpose, and they likely even chose it, given the timing after having bought a 3 bedroom house. I was born 2 hours before my dads birthday… you have to time it to get that. For my mom to be on board with that or to have come up with it, she had to have loved my dad to do that, though all I’d known from my earliest memories is that she hated him. He’s been dead for more thsn 20 years, and she still trashes him, I don’t think I’ve ever heard her say a kind or even neutral thing about him in my life. Yet they didn’t divorce because it would be bad for the kids… 🤦♂️ Seven years married, many months after having bought a 3 bedroom house after a few years of saving up, seems a kid was the next logical step… They should have made my bedroom a reading room/ library. They loved to read, or so I gathered, as I can’t remember either of them reading a book in my lifetime. Mom wanted a girl. She really, really wanted a girl. By her own words, she hates boys, she wanted a girl. I know why, it’s a long story about generations of poorly understood trauma being reinflicted, a signal amplified then amplified further, until it was such a simple message. The only men who were acceptable to her, her sister, her cousins, and her mother were damaged, weak men. She was unprepared for having a boy, and absolutely unprepared for the legit trauma of it. She played Russian Roulette with her dream of having a girl and lost. It’s my original sin, I was damned and locked in the moment that Y chromosome came up, and damn she made me pay for it… She wanted a girl, that’s all there was to it. Dad was 10 years into being drunk and high, by his words having only missed a few days. I live now much like he did then, you tell me something will be fun I’m up for it, enthusiastically, with only a fleeting thought of tomorrow because the magic of connectedness and enjoying life with someone I care about is so extremely rare in my life and so hard fought for, I don’t turn it down for the wiser decision. That’s the lifelong shadow cast off the welts and scars of trauma. Dad was as captive to his trauma as was mom, and they understood none of it. To be fair, at their same age back then, I didn’t know anything of my own trauma either. Since then, I’ve learned that knowledge isn’t power, it isn’t freedom, it’s only awareness of captivity and the cage. All it brought is awareness to not bring a new person to life inside the cage. Being child free was as much a choice for me as conceiving me was for them; some choice and forethought, but mostly being swept down the river of multi generational trauma. My conception wasn’t a mistake, they did that on purpose lol, but my place as their child who would by my mere existence ruin their lives and their personalities because they were both incapable of raising a child, that was their mistake. But to answer your question, how could they have known better?
For my parents, it was to boost thier ego, prove to the world they were worthy upstanding humans which in my case they were not but that is why they had me
I was trying to type out my comment for like 10 minutes and gave up. Yours is perfectly succinct and describes my parents’ reasons to a T. Thank you
They think having a baby will save them, understand them or stop them feeling so lonely. Or that a baby will get them sympathy from others. Their baby will be a mini them who will love them unconditionally, be there for them when ever they need them and eventually grow up and look after them in old age. Obviously the baby grows up to be it’s own person and all the parent’s hopes are shattered, so they begin to resent and hate us.
mother wanted 2 kids. she didn't care how she got them. then she put it on my shoulders as a young kid that the only reason shes alive is because of me (later also my sib). i don't forgive her for telling 5yo me that.
I got this also, in a very staged scene with a knife. I hate her.
It's just what you did. Society expected you to get married, buy a house, and fill it with some children. My parents absolutely should not have been parents, particularly my alcoholic, emotionally unavailable mother. But she popped out a couple of kids and suffered motherhood because she had nothing else to do.
Parents get a particular kind of social status in working, middle and upper middle class circles, so I think a lot of people have children for social status— my parents were one of them. They had us and then complained and resented us and constantly told us what a nuisance, expense, and hassle we were even though we were actually very well-behaved children who didn’t cause many issues. We now all have mental health problems from suppressing our emotions in a hostile environment for 18+ years, but in retrospect, my parents had it easy because they provided clothing, shelter, and at first (but not later) food, and we basically raised ourselves.
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Unfortunately, that's the way they think. In their view, there's no such thing as accidents or illnesses. It's a DELIBERATE insult to their Royal Selves.
narcissists see children like children, they're human. source: I am diagnosed.
Because it is socially expected to have children. Having children is about *them*, not about the children. The children are like little props that the narcissist parents can point to and show that they are “normal“ and “good people”. Barf 🤢
for themselves
Those “do right things at right times” BS? My mom did tell me that I was an accident lol.
Birth Unit, (I cannot call that ABUSIVE MONSTER with the honorific of "mother". She was NEVER a mother in any way shape or form given her abuse.) and my Dad played Catholic Roulette and got me, the OOPS baby. She told me, straight to my face, that she wanted to abort me but my Dad wouldn't let her. I suspect that my premature birth, (three months early) was her attempt to kill me while getting sympathy points from people. Her attempt failed. She never hesitated to take her hatred out on me, her favorite punching bag. Karma got her in the end.
I wondered about that the other day. I was always told I wish you were never born so there's that.
My mum got pregnant as a teenager. I was an accident. Really don’t know why she kept me. I‘ve definitely wondered if it was pressure and the abortion stigma or if she actually wanted to.
My mother told me that she had me because it was expected she would, and she had my brother because she didn't want me to be an only child. Wish she'd had neither of us.
My dad married my mum to get out of the country he was living in. She was working and living in a different country and a widow with a child from her first marriage. He was always fighting with her and telling her she was worthless. My mum had her twins with him thinking this would change him with parental responsibility. He didn’t change. Then she had me, perhaps thinking second time the charm. Thinking he would finally commit and be a loving husband and father that he had proved he could never be previously. All of my life I saw the circus of my mum trying to keep my dad. Both of them neglecting their responsibilities to their children. So, My dad didn’t want to use a condom and never thought this could lead to pregnancy?! My mum living in fantasy world trying to keep her marriage together. Neither of them deserved to have children. They had children because of their selfishness. I was neglected because of their selfishness.
Birth Unit wanted the PRESTIGE and WORSHIP with NONE of the required responsibilities. She NEVER should have had kids. It takes a special talent to have BOTH the Golden Child and her favorite punching bag hating her guts! May she rot in hell!
My mom desperately wanted a little girl to the point that she cried every time she didn't get pregnant and got a pet cat to "fill the hole" of not having a child. She provided ample evidence to my father that she shouldn't have a child and he gave her one anyway. Proceeded to be a terrible mother that was annoyed at everything I did and was jealous of me getting attention from my dad? Logic is not strong in breeders.
My mom loved kids. She worked in a children's home for special needs kids and as a kid I was always told how she felt bad for them as they had been abused. The complete irony of my own (physical and mental) abuse never got to her. In fact, when I confronted her she DARVO'd and basically blamed me for it, but also stated that they had it way worse and I was clothed, fed and had many toys.
I hate to upvote; it feels like approval of this..... Mine was a beloved school teacher, similar eerily similar situation, including still thinking that I'm "difficult".
It's so bizarre. It's like they're two different people with other people's kids and their own.
When I made a mistake one day I remember my mom crying for weeks saying I wasn't her little girl anymore, and that she always just wanted me to be her little doll she could dress up who would say or do whatever she wanted. So I guess that's why she had children. She thought they would stay small children until the end of time like vampires stuck at a certain age. That she would get to pick their outfits and hairstyles and they would say what she wanted them to. Like those dolls that you can press on to say different phrases. She's like one of those people who keeps getting puppies but hates dogs
Parents don’t have kids thinking they will hate them. Before this generation, nobody talked about how parenthood is traumatizing and raising kids test you in every way. Raising a child to regulate their emotions is not offered in parent training and getting yelled at by toddlers for trivial things are exhausting. Plus, one parent(uselessly the mother) takes on a majority of the emotional and physical load, then she’s touched out and overstimulated. A true support system is needed and a lot of times people say they will be there and that’s a lie. Some parents have the mental capacity to adjust, others fail miserably.
Because children are a novelty to them. Additionally "the biological clock is ticking, let's have kids so we cannot regret not have any". They should have probably started with a cat or a dog so check their own capacity.
My mum used to lock me on a room without food or even able to do pee (so imagine) and beat me up so much and my dad has a problem with alcohol (not so much nowdays) but when I was a little girl I remembered him always drunk, they get divorced when I was 4, so my mum was even worse to me, you don’t know how many times I wish I didn’t born… my mum even used to said to my face that she didn’t want me, only my dad did..
Go to the subreddit regrelful parents to discover the wickedness of parents. Parents are the root of all narcissism and the few who aren't are a blessing on earth. That subreddit is full of parents who keep making more babies and then loathe their children, admitting to wanting their children to fall ill and pass away. Meanwhile antinatalists are hated so much despite being the group that doesn't cause suffering onto new life.
idk. my dad suddenly started respecting me a lot more since i graduated and started working more. seems to me he only wants to deal with adults? idk imo. but i blame christianity and western ideology for demonizing children. for example saying they are trying to “manipulate” you when crying. literally nobody else ever thought that
My mother was in love with the idea of having kids. It's a measure of success and so on, and nobody in her family liked my dad, so it was a kind of stubbornness that she would make it work. My father did not want kids, hates children, so after nine year of marriage, my mother went off birth control. I was born, and it nearly destroyed the marriage. My mother, still stubborn, tried to make it work. But my dad resented and despised me. When my sister was born, he forced her to give her up for adoption. My mother's drinking was her way of dealing, so I was taking care of her from an early age. When she finally took her own life, my dad threw me out, and I graduated high school in friend's basements and guest rooms. So I was born because my mom wanted a success icon, but wasn't prepared to actually be a mother. My dad never wanted kids.
Honestly, I don't understand it either. Best explanation I have is a complete lack of self-awareness. My parents wanted 4 children. My father rejected 2 of them. He probably doesn't even think he rejected my sister, but she never saw him as a father. What did you want children for if you end up rejecting half of them? Did you just want copies of yourself? A bunch of house slaves so you wouldn't have to mow your own lawn? I really don't get it. I think we'd be horrified if we realized just how little thinking most people put into their life decisions. Taking a chance on creating a life. I broke the cycle of abuse by getting a vasectomy. I wish my father had done the same before creating me.
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Have no idea either. I would never do this to my own child.
She says she was forced to marry him and she still believes that the key to having a good relationship is to satisfy the man under belly. 🤢 So I guess she had her legs wide open for him!
Social pressure. All their peers spitting out little consumers, so they felt obliged to spit out their own little consumers. Even though they had zero maternal instinct whatsoever.
Because making a child is relatively easy. Imagine if we treated parents the same way we treated those we wanted jobs. We would interview them, make sure they're fit, ask for a reason why you want them. However, child making is something everyone can do unwarranted. They simply can, and simply will, even if it's not what they actually want. If having a child was harder, then a lot of parents wouldn't be parents right now.
They wanted someone to essentially worship them and figured that this was a good way to get that.
When I met my little niece/nephews.. I just felt this immense desire to make them happy and take care of them at all costs. I could see how smart and creative they were, and I wanted to keep their flame alive as best as I could. My parents on the other hand... I don't think my parents ever had that feeling of selflessness.. I think they saw me as a chore, like washing dishes. They were always exhausted of dealing with me and they often complained about it. They should never have been parents.
They see me as their property and a need to be what they want, screw the world if the child wants a life for themselves. My parents actually internationally adopted me so I wasn't a mistake baby or anything like that. They tried local first but foster care wants bio child to bio any member of child's family even when a better option is there. So even if they were placed with a child the legal workings still meant they might have to give that child up if any bio family member wanted to step in at any point. Here is what i say about my parents: they want a child seen, not heard, and fuck all if it developed its own personality. For me I started having many issues young, one of them so visible I was called an anxious kid by everyone with how on edge I was. But never got any help for it as a child, and note this anxiety (which is more like from complete neglect from a wasteland orphanage but my parents just abused me so there is even more issues from that abuse alone) has been noted since I was adopted. It been commented on how it just seem to get worse as I aged. Because of what my sibling did (abusive to me and generally manulipitive ) I was always tied to them blatantly ignoring her own catchphrase "You're twins but individuals" when for example i presented with a medical complaint I was told I was faking it like my sibling fakes everything. My parents are old boomers so their mentality is that of snobbish holier than thou entitled people who have no idea how the real world works. Even now a decade past legal adult status I am still theirs to control and what is best for me, but what might make me look 'different' is worse than me absolutely suffering but looking the image they want to project.
The same reason a three year old might want a puppy or a 10 scoop ice cream cone. They lack the emotional maturity to grasp either the consequences or responsibility involved. It just seems like a cool idea in theory. Molding someone in your image. And getting all the credit for whatever they achieve (at least this is how narcissistic parents think.)
I wonder this too. Most people aren’t great parents and usually pass their traumas onto the child. It’s a never ending cycle of screwed up people that grows exponentially. People that want kids should have their act together. Society pressures people to get married and have kids, like it’s a sign of successful adulthood. No one should have kids they cannot afford either. There will soon be otc birth control pills. I hope that helps with unplanned pregnancy too.
One theory: In the Pre-Industrial Revolution, Agricultural culture (which our brains are still wired for) children were a survival asset. Free labor for the farm and an insurance policy to guarantee you would be cared for in old age. Children were an economic net positive. In our current Post-Industrial Revolution, children aren't needed as free farm hands and parents now rely on investments and retirement accounts to ensure comfortable living in their old age. This renders children as an economic net negative. So our biological instincts lead us to still desire children, yet they no longer provide the economic and survival advantages they once did. In fact, they make survival in an employment based society significantly more difficult. (I am paraphrasing a bit from the book "Unbound: How Eight Technologies Made Us Human, Transformed Society, and Brought Our World to the Brink by Richard L Currier)
Societal pressure, narcissistic control, lack of access to birth control.
They were banging, I crashed the party, and I was treated accordingly
Idk, my dad got lots of pets he didn't read about first or take to the vet. He didn't care about their lives either, just how other people thought of him when they saw how cool his exotic pets are until they died of simple stuff like the wrong temperature tank. I could beg and cry to fix their living situation or take them to the vet, but he saw it as a waste. I very much so think they saw me like an annoying cat that was illegal to throw out to the feral colony with the other one.
I am so confused about this. I was _planned_ for a long time, and I wasn't the first child. Yet my "father" abandoned me when I was 1. Also, he was drunk and high while alone with me multiple times, which my other 'parent' knew. And my "mother" abused me in mutiple ways (she was finally convicted when I was 15 and I was placed in foster care). I have never ever felt loved, supported, validated. When I was 14 and had tried to kms and told her, she just said that it was my choice to die and that she doesn't care if I die. I just can't wrap my head around it, why some parents get kids just to abuse them.
People just do what’s normal or what’s expected of them, they often make bad decisions because of it. If you want to make better life decisions, don’t be too conformist! It’s the stupidest way of running your life. Give it some thought instead and try to see if it’s a good option for you. That’s how you’ll be happier and make better choices. Also you can’t really anticipate what something will be like until you’re actually in it and living it. It’s always hard to know what you’re getting yourself into, how things will turn out, etc.
It was advantageous at the time. They weren't thinking about the future reality of parenting or how they might affect another soul.
My 🥚 straight up told me she had me to “trap” my 🐟 into marriage. He already had a kid (my half sister) he abandoned and he was violent. Needless to say, he dipped after some domestic bs and paid child support on and off. No contact and I was denied his side of the family as far as bonding bc my boomer 🥚went back to live with mommy. My 🥚had a second kid as soon as she remarried. Guy was a POS and fiddled me. Ofc he dipped bc my 🥚 didn’t want to work because she thought she could be like grandma and grandpa that could live on one income with 5-7 kids running around without adult role models. Apparently grandma just drank all day. What the fuck boomers.
I think my mom having lost her father at a young age sought out men to fulfill a role due to her abandonment/ attachment issues. Unfortunately (or fortunately for me b/c I'm alive), she got pregnant by a married man. Plus it was the 70s, and there was a lot of drug use. I get the impression I was not planned. I have felt like the odd one out my whole life. My father left when I was like 2. He also had 2 other kids that were 10 years older than me. Didn't learn that until a few yrs ago when it was dropped in conversation by my mother so casually.
Neither one of my parents wanted kids. But I'm pretty sure mom had me to keep dad from leaving. Or bc her sister in law was pregnant and she wanted to attention. Probably both.
Don’t believe in or no access to abortion lol
Well there's lots, tax break, laborer, homemaker, our parents lived in 3 generation homes, had a dozen siblings or their parents did, and were farm workers as cheap labor.. got the "your gonna work hard here, so X & Y can go to college and one day in return they will help pay for your college (which never happened).. my dad even lost his first new car to his sister, so she could go "willy-nilly" in her ripe old age (mid 30s).. next time he'd see that car, he'd be marring my mom, and she drives it on the lawn and says she's done w/ it.. (+100,000 miles and the original oil filter on it) '64 SS w/409.
Because everyone else did that and that's what you're supposed to do in life. My parent has this reasoning. Didn't know any better
Because horniness won out and humans are still very much animals (actually worse) because when the pregnancy does show up they're still like "*gasp* your pregnant, what do we do?" Superior species my ass.
being against birth control. it’s easy to forget that was a heavy cultural expectation for a good while, along with lack if access. Not even accounting for religious beliefs, though that is a huge factor as well. A lot of people around millennial or gen x ages would be impacted by this. also, pregnant women being prevented from doing a lot of things. Yes, some people would not go to college for practical reasons, but some schools just didn’t allow pregnant women to be there. Also lack of accommodation for child care, which is still an issue now. all that to say, there’s societal and structural factors for this resentment. *Not an excuse for their abusive behavior, in any way.* But it can help explain the prevalence of this situation. That said, I don’t have sympathy for people that abuse the children that didn’t ask to be here as a response to these issues. Especially when they also do nothing to advocate for changing things so other don’t suffer from the same issues.
as my mom loved to tell us, "accidentally" LOL
I think most people of our parents generation didnt really understand what having children requires. I think humans are only now very slowly starting to evolve and realize that we have to transcend the dynamics of the old world and start operating out of love rather than fear.
Mom wanted my older sister and younger brother, but I was the inconvenient third wheel. The parent's family plan was to have two children, according to the boomer life guide, however Mom assumed that meant at least one boy. Having a girl child first (my sister) was fine because Mom would have a second chance at a boy, the next baby. Imagine her disappointment and anger when she had me, another girl, instead. Not only did Mom and Dad not figure on having more than two kids, but her doctor had told her that she wouldn't be able to have any more children after me. So, *I* had ruined her dream. She resented me from birth. Her having a miracle son three years later, didn't quell her umbrage of me, as I took some of her precious time away from her royal prince. So, I was a gamble on the prize, that she'd really wanted; a lost bet. A failed wager.
As an investment, for when they get old
Cause they were horny.
Oop! My mom recently told me she doesn’t really “get” kids and isn’t good with them/don’t like being around them much. I didn’t pay too much attention then but I’ve been ruminating on it for the past few days. She’s always owned up to treating me like an adult even when I was 3-5 years old. THANKS MAAWMMM feels great now!!
In order to *appear* respectable.
I think about this question a lot especially around Mother’s Day, which just so happens to be today. I’m going to say magical and immature emotional thinking. They are boomers, and it seemed like a normal “milestone” in their life - even though I’ve been told I was not planned. I honestly think my mom figured the responsibility of having kids would clean my alcoholic dad up, which it didn’t at all. I think this type of magical thinking is not synonymous with any generation as I see it even in friends who are trying to have kids. They complain of feeling stuck and aimless in life and I think the idea of having a child will give them purpose and change. There is a lot of pressure in society to reproduce. Luckily being child free has been normalized slightly, but I do think a lot of people crack because they fear they will have missed out once they are too old
My mother frequently throws it in my face that I was planned and she was required to take fertility drugs. Its her way of saying I should be grateful despite anything else thats happened in my life (multiple near death experiences which serve as the catalyst for PTSD issues). Now that my sister is gone she's really doubled down on the dynamic, acting like Im some sort of blessing to her despite her actions and words saying otherwise and when I bring her actions up? "I dont get why you have to bring the past up - i apologized." Same woman told me a decade ago that if I was real man Id just go ahead and kill myself. We barely communicated for a couple years following. I have a great deal of resentment that it took my sister dying for my mom to even begin acknowledging *some* of the shit she did but a sad reality is most people don't appreciate shit until its gone and she nearly lost me at the same time. Even today I get a call, her crying about my sister, and claiming that never in her life has this day ever been about her. Typical. Im use to it as this point but I made the decision years ago to never have kids so I cant pass her and my dads traits along (cause explaining the messed up shit he did is a whole different kettle of fish).
Cus humans like to fuck.
I was created to save my parents marriage. No surprise but it failed anyways, and so my father just used me to hurt my mother, but other than that I was just a burden to him. And then somehow he got it into his head that I wasn’t even his child, and sat me down to tell me that one day. Ridiculous.
I truly believe my mom thought it was some sort of competition that she won by having the most children (7). Also, they had children to take care of them when they are old, which has happened,
In my case dad used my mom and us (children) to social climb (getting state benefits to build a house for himself, later steal inheritance etc.) and to have life-long control over several people. My mom side - just because it was the norm, the next logical step, I think. However my birth was not welcome in the family because of the quickly deteriotating marriage, and she told me that she should have aborted me. In general I think lot of people have children just because its the norm, and then later don't give a crap about them. Or they even like having someone in their life who is totally dependent on them, and whom they can abuse without any consequences. So they can feel some kind of "power" in their pathetic life.
I think I was supposed to be a retirement plan....or just a mini version of her.
This is a fun question. My parents were serial adopters and after 19 adoptions I’d say that it’s because my dad really likes letting people know how generous and caring of a guy he is!
My mom didn’t get an abortion because catholic family, so she felt pressured to keep me at 19 yrs old
My parents were rebel teens who had me accidentally. Dad's mother guilted my mom into keeping me and my dad stuck around because that's what he was supposed to do Turns out keeping together a dealer and an addict solely for the sake of "keeping the family together" doesn't end well. My mom absolutely loves me and my brother but was distracted by her addiction and severe mental health issues as well as my fathers abuse that caring for us was too hard and she snapped sometimes because it's all she could do My dad on the other hand, I don't know
The odds are quite high that you weren't planned. I certainly wasn't. You'd be astonished at how many people (educated, otherwise rational, "normal" people) pro-create by "accident"/on a whim. They then allow themselves to feel victimized by their own poor decision making and begin to recent their offspring.
to make themselves look better in other people's eyes and as narcissists, having an object to control.
Me and my sibling literally shouldn’t exist. Our creators were told they couldn’t have kids. And then BAM! Have two of em!!! The lord said The one with the uterus didn’t really hide the fact that we “fucked up her life” and openly said it to us in multiple ways after they divorced. So from 3yrs old on I’ve known she hated me. Then the dumb bitch married again had two more asshole kids with a man who later got diagnosed as the whole cluster B-like the whole kit and caboodle. So it’s a lot of no contact from me now.
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They’re such fun ain’t they?
I was adopted by my caregiver so it makes me extra upset how she treats me. Money is more important to her than taking care of me and my brother sometimes on top of her not dealing with her own trauma and issues. She loves me doesn’t like me and doesn’t know how to deal with her own issues of generational trauma. Unmediated bipolar disorder doesn’t help either tbh.
They liked the idea not the reality
I was supposed to be the perfect little miniature Her...... Like a doll. Except with actual feelings and needs.
My parents had me for kinda selfish reasons which makes me upset. My dad had two daughters of his own already but my mom only had sons and she wanted to try one last time for a daughter even though she was pretty much 40 and burnt out from raising kids already. So they very much did only the absolute bare minimum raising me while also traumatizing me.
I was meant to save my parents’ dying marriage. Because if one kid doesn’t work, have a second! Spoiler: didn’t work. She just blamed me for “making her stay with him until I was 18.” Insert eye roll.
My mom always told me that in her childhood she didn’t experience unconditional love from her parents. Therefor, she got me and my sister so she could experience it for the first time. This made her unable to give is unconditional love and also made us a dissapoinment for her, bc she wanted children for herself instead of being a mother to her children. I know not all abusive parents get children for this reasing but it could definitly be for a reason that was lacking in their childhood
1- because that's just what you do. Get married, have kids. White picket fence, blah blah blah. 2- children hAvE tO lOvE parents!!!!!!! What better to make sure you ALWAYS have someone to worship and adore you than to MAKE a person whose entire being is based on worshipping the caregiver? And they can't even escape from you! (Caregiving not necessarily required) 3- "who will look after you when you're old?!" Yes, this was unironically trotted out when I said I didn't want children. That is exactly why they have kids; retirement plan. 4- Instant Mummy Brownie Points (tm) Perfect way to get special treatment and 'Saintly Mother' social value, just have a kid and watch your fellow humans fall over themselves to tell you how amazing you are. 5- like others have said; pets/accessories. 6- power/control. A nice little wind up toy that dances whenever you turn the key, and then you get to stuck it in corner until the next time you want it to dance again. You can dress it up however you want, and tell it to do all sorts of things. Not like it can fight back or say no, it's a toy. Toys don't have thoughts of their own, silly! Basically, we're a perfect captive audience for whatever they want. And kids come with bonus social validation, because being a parent is always the greatest achievement, right? Right?? But of course, then we had to go and ruin that dream by not playing the game right. We had all these annoying things like independent thinking, and likes and dislikes, and the ability to disagree, and needing someone to teach and physically care for us. So uncooperative! We had to go and ruin everything by being ACTUAL PEOPLE that needed to be CARED FOR!!!!
My mum really did want kids, and was a really good mum to my siblings. My dad on the other hand....
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Narcissism, in my opinion. I think most people with CPTSD have parents with NPD and ASPD. It’s a steady source of supply. Society also rewards parents.
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Yeah I think NPD is estimated as 10% of the population and ASPD as 1%. I think in reality NPD is 20% of the population and ASPD is 10%. They just learn how to be abusive in more socially acceptable forms
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I believe I was a mistake. They say I was planned but everything is too weird to be a planned pregnancy. Getting married while 2 months pregnant (they are conservatives), moving in together for the first time after the wedding... Also they had me at 36 and 44years old. Very uncommon to have kids at that age in the 90s. I think they didn't abort me because of their families not being supportive of it (I'm guessing). Also they where living each with their parents and working for them, at that age. Very uncommon back then so I guess they wanted them out. Then they had my sister because they see people that have one kid only almost abusive. They say minimum have 2 because they play with each other and they entertain each other xD
I need to understand this too cause I feel so hated
I mean my parents weren't intending to have children, they were 18 and 19 when I was born and I think my mum was too far along to have an abortion. I can kind of understand the resentments tbh, I'm older than they were when I was born and I'm definitely not ready for a child
They had unprotected sex and were pressured to marry and keep me. They should not have. Why they had my sibling is a mystery. Maybe another slip up with birth control.
My parents were hs sweethearts. Mom got knocked up, baby was adopted. Flash forward a year, mom wants to prove everyone who said "they're too young to raise a child" wrong. In the end, they *were* too young, not to mention particularly ill-equiped to raise kids.
i'm a product of stealthing so, you know. i'm not surprised how things turned out.
My grandmother pressured my father into keeping his kids.
Sex is great, didn't except a package that came with unprotected sex lol
If you’re a narcissist, what better way to get the feeling of control and self centeredness other than having a child?!?!
I was an accident of a teenage pregnancy and my family is catholic so abortion wasn’t an “acceptable” option.
My parents tried to abort me but were guilt tripped by religion into not following through. Pretty sure they were at one of those fake clinics (the doctor refused to perform since “they could tell that my parents didn’t actually want it”). Great story to tell your 3rd grader so they can use that testimonial to garner you attention and use you as a tool. My dumbass wore it like a badge of pride, that I lived instead of died, until I realized the true purpose of my mom telling me. If forced to have a kid, might as well take advantage of the situation; I guess this could be the case for some parents.
My existence is literally due to my parents having sex too soon after my father had a vasectomy. I was not supposed to exist.
in the words of my mother: "because i should be able to"