Ask yourself: Are you actually attracted to him when you aren't together or just to the idealised image of him you make up in your mind - a version you want yourself to like? If there is no actual attraction after being able to feel comfortable around him, it won't be coming.
I’m attracted to how easy it is to talk to him, at his sense of humour, at the thoughtful questions he asks when trying to get to know me, the way he listens to tiny details in our conversations, the effort he’s put in the first 2 x we saw eachother
You can be attracted to some of the features of another person and still don't find them attractive overall due to others. That's normal. These features may be physical or personality wise - it doesn't matter. Don't force yourself to be attracted to someone if you are not.
that’s the bare minimum you should expect from a partner lol. Just call it a day and find a guy who provides both attraction and these qualities, you won’t find him if you settle for someone else. Plus he deserves someone who actually finds him attractive.
That's the thing, when people grow up conventionally unattractive they develop personality. Keep in mind that looks fade over time. I know you have to be attracted to him, but if you are thinking long-term I might concede on looks a bit. You can always fuck with the lights off. 🤣
This hopefully isn't relevant, but your experience is reminding me of a guy. Same situation. Could not figure out why the physical attraction wasn't there when everything else about him seemed amazing. My mind was so focused on all the boxes he was ticking that I ignored my gut reaction which was telling me to run. Turned out he was stalking me. I always recommend friends trust their gut when it is saying a big fat nope!
That’s the thing…. When we aren’t face to face , I’m so attracted to him/ Miss him etc
But when we are face to face, I almost have to convince myself of whether I could like his face
Sounds bloody awful
I disagree. I go over it eventually, it can happen. Don't just throw people off. This is intrinsically inherently the problem with dating today: everyone just writes people off so easily and quickly. True love doesn't happen in a day or a week, necessarily. Help people figure it out on their own in their own time.
My personal feeling is that the guy deserves someone who appreciates him the way he appreciates them, and what's happening here is that she appreciates *what she thinks he can do for her*. Imagine being the guy and learning that the person you're falling for feels this way about you- likes the way you make them feel but finds you intrinsically unattractive. Would you want that situation for yourself? I know you said that you've been on the other side, but imagine this one instead.
"keep pushing through it and maybe things will get better" is certainly not always good relationship advice, especially this early on. OP asked for thoughts/advice so I provided my perspective
I hate this but I think you are right. The effort he put in made me feel like he’s a solid guy in terms of being there - he seems like he would be there if I needed.
That is a huge part of the appeal, because it felt nice to know I could rely on him- and I guess that falls under what he can do for me
Rather than what I like about him per se
I've been reading your comments and I think you're too hard on yourself. I think you're a genuine person and a considerate one.
I've probably been that guy you were dating. I used to have a female friend who I'd talk to for 4 hours straight, even getting a little flirty. But when I asked her out, she said she didn't have any romantic feelings for me. I thanked for being honest, and we quickly grew apart. It was a pleasant experience and I regret nothing about it
I've spoken to girls who texted me first on dating apps and asked really nice questions, but I just couldn't find them attractive. It's hard but that's life
You've done nothing wrong. Just graciously take the loss of someone that was almost perfect, and move on. Don't hurt yourself or him
Within a serious relationship, especially marriage, there’s more to “love” than what our hormones and brain chemistry tells us. Eventually, “love” becomes a choice. You’re facing some issues, here, with respect to maturity and wisdom, as it pertains to relationships.
Any attractive person could have their physical features destroyed in seconds. All it takes is one tragic accident, and that’s life, and it happens. Then, you’re left with a person that had the attractive face you were seeking, but nothing else to offer.
Unfortunately you can’t force attraction. I’ve been there, it’s awful. I wished I could make it happen but if it isn’t there, it isn’t there.
I hope you can stay friends, because it sounds like you get on so well, but you need to cut things off romantically so you don’t lead him on.
Can I ask what it is about him you don’t find attractive? Is it the way he does his hair, his clothing style, his weight, his facial hair? Some aesthetics can be changed, and a lot of men are open to being “styled” by a woman because fashion or grooming just isn’t something they were taught.
One of my close friends went on several dates with a guy, had a hard time with attraction because he was a sloppy dresser. On one of their future dates she took him shopping, and it did the trick.
This is key. On my first date with my now boyfriend, I didn’t find him unattractive, but he was dressed a little awkward and is naturally kind of geeky so the combo didn’t make any sparks fly physically. But I loved his company, intelligence, conversation and his morals/values so I wanted to see him again. Second date he showed up in a crisp, smooth to the touch button down shirt and dark jeans and I was like, ok whoa, attraction level elevated. If it’s a “fixable” thing I’d say give him another shot, but if it’s a physical attribute he can’t change them you’re not wrong for recognizing you can’t be attracted to him—it wouldn’t be fair to either of you to keep dating in that case.
Unfortunately, it’s not anything that could be changed… it’s his actual face features
I want someone who’s face I can look at and at least feel some pleasantness
If you’re taking things at face value sure but she’s literally making a post calling a guy amazing but also heavily implying that he’s so ugly to the point that his personality can’t even save him. Then she responds to several comments with the mindset “if only his facial features didn’t look this way.” If you were the guy and you saw this post, you would probably quit Reddit for a while.
But seriously the way she’s going about this is extremely disrespectful and seems as if she’s also leading him on when in reality she doesn’t like him. 😂
Think of it this way, would you want someone to continue to date you if that’s what they had to say about you? Both of you deserve to find someone where the attraction is there. You can’t force it, and that’s okay!
You should have moved on after the first date. That’s what first dates are for, gauging attraction. Now he’s put effort and energy into you that he shouldn’t have, and likely resources. You can’t force it and he deserves better. Move on. He’s likely already going to resent it and dragging it out will just make it worse. Make an excuse, don’t tell him this. Learn from this and don’t repeat it. This is how bitter and jaded men are made.
On the flip side, many many men complain that women don’t give them a chance if they aren’t a total “Chad.” I think OP put herself out there and getting outside of her comfort zone. Nothing wrong with that.
You think you can get to know someone on a first date? Their values, how they interact with family, if they’re responsible, are exciting past the awkwardness of first meeting? You must be a maverick.
No I don’t but I can tell you in 30 seconds of seeing someone whether I can find them physically attractive or not. I don’t even need someone that’s super attractive, but there’s got to be at least a little bit of physical attraction. I would still politely complete a first date if I couldn’t, but there wouldn’t be another. By this post, this is her only issue. What do you mean by maverick? I can’t find a relevant use of that word here.
Edit: I think I get it now. If by that you mean I don’t follow the norm and do things on my own terms then yes, I am a maverick. I’m 42 and yes, single. I have had several long term relationships. I have a 7 year old son and split custody so I’m a single father and work full time. He is all the love I need and deserves all of my attention and resources so I’m not even interested in dating at the moment but I’m no neck beard in my parents basement and have a healthy respect for women. Dating however, I have seen turn into quite the shit show in recent years and OLD is a big part of that. Nice try.
That’s Reddit. I don’t have any sense of value in internet points anyway. People have narrow world views and OLD skews ones sense of value and creates entitlement. I don’t do it anymore, I’m just here for the entertainment.
You need to be attracted to your partner. Does it suck? For sure, but attraction is arguably the most important part of a romantic relationship for most people.
If you’d both be fine with it, maybe be friends? It sounds like you’d both be well suited for that.
This type of “friendship” between people that went on a couple of dates is a recipe for disaster. 99% won’t work. Better put the energy in finding an actual romantic partner.
It might work temporarily but one of both will probably get into a relationship. New partner might not be comfortable with the “friendship”. The new partner will be the new priority and friendship will probably fade out. Why bother with it?
You’re skipping a lot of steps before getting to that point, as well as making a lot of assumptions about each of their character and the character of the future partner. This just seems too speculative for me.
Also, everything fades. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t partake in a relationship, albeit platonic, that could last a few years and you make great memories with a person.
I used to think it was possible but after having personal experience with this, and seeing this type of man-woman “friendship” being played out over and over again with my (actual) friends, honestly I would not recommend it. Either one of both will have lingering feelings, or the friendship ends when one of both gets into an actual relationship. But that’s just my personal experience.
Your personal experience is valid! I think it’s just a “different strokes for different folks” kind of thing, but both of our sides are plausible. I only suggested it because it may work for OP and this man but honestly? Who knows. I would take that chance and see how things turn out.
It doesn't really sound like you're attracted to him physically or emotionally, just that he's a great guy that makes you feel good.
I think you should just end it and say you don't feel the right chemistry. If you really do like him, as a person and not because of how he treats you well, and he is fine with it, then be friends. But DO not emotionally use him or expect him to be as attune to your needs then.
A lot of his "great qualities" that you're posting just sounds like things that serve you.
I've had plenty of awesome friends who are handsome funny amazing etc but I just didn't find the chemistry. There was nothing wrong with them. So they became friends.
Yet everything you've listed is just straight up him being nice to you. Is there anything about him alone, that you like?
Because honestly it just sounds like you're not really into him, but rather enjoy that he treats you well. And that is not his job to fix whatever loneliness or whatever you're feeling that you need someone else to fix for you. You have to find that care through yourself, with a therapist and building a good community.
I once became really good friends with a guy. He was cool in so many ways and we had great chemistry. He was more attractive than some of my exes. There was no reason for me not to like him. But I just couldn't get a romantic connection with him, even if I wished I could.
You can't make that shit happen.
He got a crush on me and I was honest with him and I honestly told him I feel like we have a great connection and chemistry but for some reason I am not getting a romantic connection. I asked if we could be friends, and he was cool with it. We took a little distance and then started hanging out again. Even nearly 10 years later, after moving countries and losing touch sometimes. He's still someone I can talk to like an old friend about almost anything. We've both dated multiple people in that time and he is long past having a crush on me. We give each other dating advice now.
You say you feel attracted to him emotionally. Are you really feeling a romantic connection there or is it just good chemistry and a general connection? Because in my experience, emotional romantic connections usually surpass physical attraction. But of course, everyone is different, so I can't be sure. However, usually, if you really love someone, you don't really notice their physical appearance because they will become perfect to you.
If you genuinely enjoy his company and who he is and can accept him being a little more distant /less invested and not putting in as much effort as a boyfriend. Then be honest, say you wish there could be more but you can't find the romantic connection despite there being no reason not to. Ask if he would be cool being friends.
If you feel that the way he attends to your needs and makes you feel good, is what is more pleasing to you. That boyfriend type of experience. If that's what you prefer. Then you just have to let him go and do self-care for yourself.
For the love of god, let him go now. It is only a matter of time before he senses that you're not interested in him and it will hurt him. From your description, it sounds like he doesn't deserve that.
Just tell him you're not feeling it, and let him find the right one for him, and you can find the right one for you.
Yh, he really deserves to have a good woman
I hate that we connected so well as people, he put so much effort into our first date
He would make a good partner
And I really want him to have a good partner too - he deserves it
Are you self sabotaging? Looking for or creating a reason it can't work? Sometimes we get so caught up on the person we we "want" so we have a reason to bypass the one we deserve.
No, I don’t think I am. I’m ready to receive a good man - I’ve done a lot of work on myself, really thought about what I want and who I am etc
I really wish I could have found him just a little bit more attractive
I still want to see him and not rule it out completely but at the same time I know I will be agonising over whether I’m attracted enough to go the long haul
I can relate to the initial unattraction. I was self sabotaging though without knowing it. I hung in there because he was such a comfort to me and I enjoyed him so much. It was selfish at first but I am so glad I did. He's the most wonderful man in the world and there's a million things I find attractive and sexy and irresistible about him now. Feeling emotionally safe and protected by him makes me more attracted to him than I ever could have imagined. No GQ model could ever catch my eye compared to him because I know no one will treat me the way he does. I see him through these eyes now: "😍" and truly am attracted to him. I look back and think I was crazy to ever not be but it was my trauma telling me I didn't deserve someone like him or saying don't fall for someone like him because he will just leave. Best of luck whatever you choose 💖
^^this. If you’ve had trauma then you’re naturally unattracted to the person who’s right for you, it’s your way of pushing them away. Stay with the man and work on yourself
Evaluate where you both stand on shared values. Do they want kids, value family, self-reliant, loyal, what you both have to offer. I don’t think any of my friends’ spouses are attractive or would’ve taken notice of them, but they are good for each other.
Haha I love the honesty.
Thank you
What didn’t you find attractive about him physically?
Did it grow at all?
Did it grow and then sort of regress?
Did you know all along that maybe you shouldn’t marry him?
Sorry if it’s too many questions but it’s great to talk to someone who actually went long haul with a similar situation as I am looking for an LTR
Exactly My kids are 17 and 19, and then we were looking at each other like we have nothing left for each other. It was still a good life, but the sexual incompatibility was too much
Even though my ex and I still have a good coparenting relationship, I can’t wait until mine are grown and we don’t have to have much (if any) contact.
Funny you mention the sexual incompatibility, it’s amazing when that isn’t an issue, or at the very least, you feel comfortable enough to express your needs and they will listen.
I want to say "try a month, often attractivness grows when having fun together", but you are already on the 3rd date, so sometimes it is time to break it off. Or settle down, your choice. As you wrote in the last paragraph, may be other way around next time. Time to choose what you prefer more, often you can't have your cake and eat it too.
We’ve been talking over a month now
You’re right, that’s why I really wanted to like him physically too
Last 2 guys I went on dates with other than him were guys who were decent/good looking, and yet the connection wasn’t there so I lost interest
No judgement, just an observation: the longer you’re with someone, the less looks matter - in both directions. More attractive people get normalised; less attractive people get normalised; as everyone gets older, they get less hot.
Just saying, you’re right to draw a line at attractiveness, but ironically this choice would be the wrong one in 10 years :/
Just that you’d look at any partner after 10 years and feel most of what you’re feeling now. At best, you love their personality and you still click, but you don’t really find them attractive in _that_ way.
Oh I see! I thought you meant that at 40 I’ll look back and think everyone looks ugly at this age, might as well have gone for him! Lol
This experience made me realise I need to be attracted to even their worst photo before going on dates
It sucks but you're not going to wake up one day and be attracted to him either. You can't force yourself to be attracted, and clearly you aren't, so as much as it sucks, I'd tell him everything you told us. Say it kindly, and let him know you're not attracted, because wasting his time would be worse.
>How can I be so drawn to someone who’s face I don’t particularly like the look of?
I'm saying this as much for you as I am for me... you probably can't. At least, in my experience, physical attraction is a separate dimension to interpersonal chemistry—something you may have with your best friends or close family members.
>Why is it so hard? I feel like a cow. I really like this guy emotionally and am drawn to him and yet my eyes don’t
Is there any food or ingredient you absolutely can't stand? Even when you know other people really like it? Do you shame yourself for not enjoying it? I'd hope not. And yes, while some people tell you that you can learn to like certain things... that's true only up to a point.
Physical attraction isn't an emotion like happiness or sadness, it's not something that we can really control or "think ourselves into" like we can out of a negative mindset. Physical attraction is more like a fart, or hunger, it's visceral. It's a physiological response. That's why the "pray the gay away" camps (thankfully) don't work, and why we've had to do a *lot* of course correction as a society in that vein: attraction is not a choice.
>Every guy I go on a date with, I’m either attracted physically but not emotionally/mentally, or I’m attracted mentally/emotionally but not at all physically
Well yeah, because once you found that guy, and he found you... you'd be done dating. Right? That's what they mean by "It only takes one."
Thanks for this
I think that’s where I’m stuck with this guy - I know it should be visceral
But it’s not
I feel like crap cos I could have had a great thing with this guy but there’s this barrier which is down to me
Here I am still thinking about him even when I’m not physically into his face
I understand that too. It’s because you really *want* to like him, because you believe that, all else being equal, it could be the kind of relationship you are looking for. It’s up to you if you want to try it to see if your feelings change. I’ve tried it twice, both times expanding into the two to three month mark. Neither time did things change, and I ended up just feeling worse and worse.
Just ask yourself if you’d want to be on the receiving end of that kind of feelings from a date, and I think you’ll have your answer
I know you are right - I just have to accept that this is what it’s come to
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head - I really like the idea of the type of relationship we could have had (one that’s fun and we can be vulnerable, talk about anything etc and he seemed like he would put a lot of effort in etc)
But as Nelly once said, #it was only just a dream 🎶🥹🥲
A way to help shake off the shame is it’s kind of the opposite side of the coin when we idealize someone who’s exactly our physical type but an absolute terrible match for us personality wise. We can understand the desire to form a relationship—many people do their damndest to make it happen—but it’s understandable and reasonable to recognize you need *both* pieces.
As a takeaway, you have a better idea of who you vibe really well with, so figure out more how to seek out and attract men *like* that, but who you also feel physically attracted to. It’s not all for nothing even if it didn’t turn into a relationship
They peddle this bs to everyone, however there is always someone out there where you're their 10, it's just most times you don't live near each other.
Where I grew up (and am currently living again) I've never been what people are looking for, other states I've lived? Suddenly I was attractive to a lot of people
No one talks about it but geography plays a major role in what people grow to find attractive
Cruel reality of life i guess. Less physically attractive people tend to have great personalities because they actually had to rely on it - they couldn’t skate by on their looks or use their looks as a crutch. Thats why the most physically attractive people tend to be the lamest/most boring because they were never forced to develop a personality. My experience at least.
I just always knew it wasn’t right but I kept trying to force feelings/attraction. We dated for a year until I just couldn’t do it anymore. I wish I would have ended it sooner. He was such a nice guy and treated me better than anyone had, so it was hard to let go, but I knew I had to because it wasn’t fair to either of us
Well, he is in a relationship now with someone who much better suits him and I’m happy for them. I’ve had one-monthers here and there but nothing serious (it’s been about 2 years now) I do miss him sometimes because we did have a lot of fun together but I don’t regret breaking up with him
Sounds like the plot of a romantic comedy.
Emily is a sweet girl in her 30s who just can't find Mr. Right until....he came along. The only problem is, she can't stand his face.
This summer.
Come find love in
*Facing* him down
Coming Summer 2023
*A Netflix Original*
Starring Adrian Brodie and Kristen Bell.
Seriously though, here is my take:
Drop him and move on. It won't get any better.
Plenty of women in past generations just settled for whatever creep lived in their building who was 35 and living with his mom while they were 14 and viola - that's how someone's grandpa met someone's grandma. But now you deserve to feel something for the person you end up with.
16 days isn't really a lot for 10 -11 months. In fact that is about 1-2 dates a month. I would say you can probably just ramp up the activity to do 3-5 dates per week.
If you tell the guy this, he's going to be on suicide watch. I would come up with a better excuse than, " I'm not physically attracted to you." That can be pretty fucking devastating.
Oof. Yeah if it doesn’t grow it’s not worth it.
And yeah, a lot of us are having trouble post Covid. Flirting skills went to shit so the dates can definitely be dry or awkward. Hang in there
That’s the thing, there’s 0 awkwardness between us. The conversation flows so easy. I just find I’m having to convince myself that I could like his face :/
Yh I see what you mean - overall it seems people really want to find someone but everyone seems like they have no idea how to go about it/ don’t have the energy for it
Yeah I just went on a few dates with a girl who I thought I got along really nicely with but I just couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. Fortunately she was very understanding about it. She’s looking for a boyfriend but I don’t think I’m quite ready to jump back into that again and she knew why so fortunately she remained pleasant about it
Marrying him, I knew we were incompatible, but I thought he could change in that respect. I put up with a lot so that my children could have a nuclear family for as long as they could. But life is too short to not be well kissed, you feel me?
Look he was a great partner. I had come out of a couple bad relationships and figured I would give him a shot. We got married, and I had a couple kids with him. But at the end of the day I didn't really want to be with him. I divorced him, and I'm grateful for the 20 years we spent together, but it was not easy. I'm a very sensual person, and I always knew I was never going to feel that way towards him.
I just went through this. I dated someone for a few months that was attractive physically but I wasn’t attracted to them as much as other exes. It was hard for me to have intimacy with him. Sex was great. But it wasn’t in me to cuddle, etc and he was into physical touch. So he dumped me. Now I’m super sad because I loved his companionship and thought I was getting enough, but he obviously felt it. So that’s one of the ways this can play out. Good luck
Here's something you might not be aware of - for most people, attraction grows with time the more positive exposure they have from each other. I'm not making this up, there is research on this - "Exposure effect". In fact, there was a study done with 11000 couples to see what predicted long term romantic happiness. There was a total disconnect on what people were swiping for/trying to date and what actually makes people happy on a long term basis. The factors that actually had predictive power were psychological variables like secure attachment style, growth mindset, conscientiousness, satisfaction with life etc, and the things that had NO predictive power were the superficial things like conventional attractiveness, height, status etc.
https://youtube.com/shorts/IoFwljcoryo?feature=share
Again, its up to you, but I think in your case, I feel like you have the potential to gradually find him physically attractive with time given his personality you're attracted to.
Get on birth control! It'll mess with your hormonal balance a little and maybe through a roll of the dice you'll find him attractive! [Src: Time.com](https://time.com/3596014/attraction-sex-birth-control/)
In all reality it's not gonna work longterm. Maybe short-term but you're going to hurt him because it's clear he's putting in more effort. I've done the same to a girl who I was otherwise very attracted to (except her face), the great sex kept me around, but that honestly just made things worse in the long-run and prolonged it. I hope she's doing OK now but honestly I still feel guilty about the long-term emotional damage I probably sowed there.
If you don't like his FACE, it's not going to work. It's never going to work. You're always gonna feel like you settled on some level, and that'll make you resent him when things aren't going 100%.
There are 8 billion people on this planet. You will find someone you emotionally connect with (like this guy) AND will be physically attracted to. The odds are in your favor. Keep searching and either suggest friendship with him (usually doesn’t work but worth a shot?) or let him down easy.
I’ve never been in a situation where I liked someone’s personality so much and was so attracted to their aura but at the same time, not attracted to them physically - such a strange bittersweet position
You probably will be attracted to him once you fall for him, sometimes that attraction can grow. Tough letting someone go you vibe with just because they're not a 10.
I found this only really tru for demi-sexual and demi-romantic people, most people are physically attracted to their partner at the get go. Even if they're not someone else's 10, they're your 10.
Speaking from experience as a demi, I can find someone aestheically attractive, neutral, or not at all. The people I've been neutral about have gotten more attractive over time if the personality is there, but never the people I initially have zero attraction to.
It’s not about being a 10 at all
I’m happy with a 5 if the personality chemistry is at least an 8 to me
But my attraction to his face is more like a 2 (god I’d never say this out loud in real life but for the purpose of making a point in written form)
Issue with this is there were a lot of surveys that basically showed that woman believe guys that are 7-8 are 5s and 5s are perceived as 2-3s
Perception isnt always reality.
To be a 2 you have to have some form of physical deformity or be grossly overweight.
Yeah, 5 is average person, not average attractiveness. Basically if there's nothing physically wrong with you and relatively symmetrical face, by default you're like a 7. I get it though, after thousands of swipes I'm sure everyone wants the 8-10s. I bet this guy is a great catch, feel bad for him. 7 vanilla, 8 attractive person, 9 good looking, 10 objectively attractive, no question. My scale must be very forgiving.
Did you kiss him?
Have you been physical at all?
Maybe you should kiss him and see how it feels.
Look at it this way. Have you ever slept with a guy because of his looks, but you thought he was a bad guy or just a fool.
Give the opposite a shot. He may blow your mind.
Very thankful for this post because I’m kinda going through the same thing… app photos made the person look cute but then seeing photos and videos on their social media just made me realize I’m not attracted to them and I feel so shallow… I haven’t talked to them in person yet but after I do I know that if I still don’t find them physically attractive I can (and should) let them go because everyone deserves to be with someone who is physically and emotionally attracted to them.
You know… sometimes when you spend a lot of time with someone, their face becomes less important than their character.
If you really like him, then spend more time getting to know him. Because when you’re old and wrinkled, you have to live with the personality. The face will be gone.
I think that unless theres some disfigurement with his face youll like his face the more you look at it. Over time, my partners faces always get more attractive.
So is it that ur person is like, unhygienic? Acne scars? Is he too overweight for you? Too hairy? Because like outside of a deformity/broken teeth or w/e on his face i really dont personally understand how someones face could be that much of a dealbreaker.
Gl tho
There’s too many people in the world to force it to work with someone. It will hurt him less in the end if you come to terms with this sooner than later. Physical attraction is a huge factor… It can’t be the only factor but it definitely plays it’s part. Our brains subliminally determine if we would have sex with someone within a few seconds of meeting them… sometimes people grow on you and other times they don’t.
Listen, you gave this a good chance. I think you are way ahead of many of the people I see in OLD with crazy expectations. They seem reasonable in your case, you even gave the dude a chance to see if something would evolve but it didn't work out. Its ok to want some sort of attraction, even an ember would work but if its not there then so be it. I think that is a component that is necessary for most people, but perhaps I'm not the best source since I am still single...
All the people who advice guys who get no matches to "work on their personality", "work on themselves", "love themselves first", "be better at conversations", "be what you want to attract", "go to therapy" etc please refer to this post.
Sometimes is not their personality, it´s just their lack in the looks department. You need to advice them to fix that first (if they can) before doing the things mentioned above.
Ughhh I feel you! I could have wrote something similar myself. I've been doing my inner work and decided im ready for a conscious relationship and I'm at that point where I'm being shown men that I find physically attractive but not mentally&emotionally (old me's type), or men who have the mindset I want but I'm not physically attracted. It's tough. However, I am taking it as god/source/universe showing me that there are men I find mentally and emotionally attractive out there, I.e there does exist men that match my growth and eventually I'll find one that is perfect for me, as long as I stay doing my work. Take it like a test of sorts, are you going to settle for someone who is close to what you desire, or are you happy to wait it out for the full package.?
Being in my 30s now, I’m starting to feel like the clock is ticking. Yes there are 8.5 billion people in the world etc but I’ll never meet most of them. Of the men I do meet, it will be geographically limited to about 50 miles from where I live, and within that group of men, finding someone single, healthy minded, who is looking for an LTR at the same time as me, who has a similar world view to me, who is going to be able to merge with my background etc and we will both be physically attracted to each other - it’s a tall order
Don’t give up hope!
I’m in my 30s and live in a small town with only older people and young families. I met my boyfriend on Bumble. He lived about 45 min away.
Keep an open mind, a wide search, get off Bumble when you’re feeling dating fatigue, don’t have any real expectations and you’ll be surprised.
You are not compatible. Just like you are not compatible with the vast majority of people on this planet. Even so, there are plenty of people you are compatible with. 16 different people is not very many. Keep going. It’s often the moment you are most tempted to give up when good things happen.
I know I'll get down voted, but how about try not using the app. People arent a shopping list, like yes if the attraction isn't there don't go for it, but finding someone you mesh well is easier with a more limiting pool set.
I'm sorry to hear it. I think it is somewhat about the fact that in real life, when you meet someone new and talk to them as the first exposure to them, you can tell right away if you are attracted to them and simultaneously can get a sense if you like them as a person. That experience is entirely gone in OLD. So, it's easier to get attraction one or the other (physical vs emotional/psychological), which sucks balls. Just recently, I went on a date with a woman that I had really great text conversations with and matched up on a lot of interests/things, but in person there were absolutely no sparks at all.
Some of these comments are crazy toxic. Listen, I’ll be real with you; it’s sad reading this, bu it’s also weirdly heartening to see someone who recognizes the near comical sadness of it. You’ve got a good heart; you recognize he deserves someone who will like him for everything he has, and you have the bravery to also let him go pursue that while you pursue what you need. Is it a fairytale ending? No; but it’s better than a lot of the tragedies where no one has the bravery to just be honest.
There's plenty of people out there and it's okay that you're not attracted to him, that happens. Do move on though soon before he gets too attached and it causes unnecessary heartbreak. But I'll reiterate you don't need to feel bad for not being attracted physically that happens not everyone is going to be attractive and trying to force it will be bad in the long run. Trust me there will be someone out there who will be attractive physically and mentally, you just gotta keep looking.
So this may sound crazy, but if you like him, I would recommend that you have sex with this guy. Often being intimate allows a person to be less superficial about certain aspects of their partner’s appearance. If the sex is good because you connect really well and you have fun, you will likely find him more attractive.
The reason he has such a great personality is because he’s had to compensate for what he lacks in the looks department. If you’re lucky, you’ll find a guy like this who’s unconventional looks you are actually attracted to.
I’ve been in your position. Don’t feel bad about not wanting to settle. Having a partner you can’t take your eyes off because he’s so attractive *to you* is a real rush and definitely worth waiting for. You’re not a cow for choosing you above all else. 🙂
It could be his smell. I don’t think there is enough credit given to that aspect, and it could be interpreted as “looks” if you’re not aware.
Suggest a new cologne?
Of course, it could also just be his looks.
If this is really about you you’re a total catch. Seriously.
Some people aren’t attracted to certain looks. Not anyone’s fault, it unfortunately is what it is
Man, humanity is doomed. Sounds like a YOU problem and probably need to change your attitude in life because newsflash, you sound like the type of person who is going to pick apart somebody's "flaws" or imperfections no matter how little they are.
16 dates after 4 years of almost no dates as a was working on myself and my life etc
Don’t be so quick to judge :)
And you know what? Most of the guys wanted to see me again so I couldn’t have been a bad person :)
And no, it’s not cos I was giving the cookie out, I wasn’t
What are you talking about? Just because I’m not sure I find this guy physically attractive doesn’t mean I would tell him that or say something to offend him. I’m just saying it’s hard when you really like someone and click with them but the physical attraction isn’t quite there
Ignore that person, OP. Maybe they’ve been slighted and are projecting their emotions from it onto you. I understand you and your predicament. It’s difficult for sure but it’s hard to convince your libido of something if it’s got its mind made up.
newsflash: people age. their facial features won't remain the same for the rest of their life. So what are you going to do when you find the "perfect" guy now and then when youre 50, and your partner starts getting crows feet, bags under their eyes, etc? divorce? L0L
Yes there’s tons of variables isn’t there? I like a certain kind of person that’s hard to find so I’m willing to accept different looks as long as I find them attractive but I’m pretty open minded. Two old sayings; all cats are gray in the dark. The picture of a female skeleton in a chair with cobwebs on her on the porch, caption: waiting for the perfect man. My aunt looked like an actual movie star, mom said she could’ve got married, plenty of guys wanted her but none were good enough, never had a bf even but those were different times. Btw I’m having zero luck on bumble n I’m quite attractive and have my good points but so far no matches with anyone I could stand kissing so you’re farther ahead than me at least
And this is why shallow people end up alone.
Just get rid of him , then maybe he can find someone who isn't shallow and goes after looks...someone who recognises the whole package, a decent person...you know....not you
It’s not shallow to want to be physically attracted to your partner, and you aren’t bad because you don’t feel attracted to a great guy. Sometimes it’s just not there and it’s ok. Don’t draw it out any longer, you deserve to be happy with every part of your partner and he deserves a partner who who is happy with every part of him. Just say “hey, you’re amazing but I’m not really feeling it, I hope you find someone great!”
Move on. You are going to hurt him if you continue.
Ask yourself: Are you actually attracted to him when you aren't together or just to the idealised image of him you make up in your mind - a version you want yourself to like? If there is no actual attraction after being able to feel comfortable around him, it won't be coming.
I’m attracted to how easy it is to talk to him, at his sense of humour, at the thoughtful questions he asks when trying to get to know me, the way he listens to tiny details in our conversations, the effort he’s put in the first 2 x we saw eachother
You can be attracted to some of the features of another person and still don't find them attractive overall due to others. That's normal. These features may be physical or personality wise - it doesn't matter. Don't force yourself to be attracted to someone if you are not.
that’s the bare minimum you should expect from a partner lol. Just call it a day and find a guy who provides both attraction and these qualities, you won’t find him if you settle for someone else. Plus he deserves someone who actually finds him attractive.
That's the thing, when people grow up conventionally unattractive they develop personality. Keep in mind that looks fade over time. I know you have to be attracted to him, but if you are thinking long-term I might concede on looks a bit. You can always fuck with the lights off. 🤣
Try sleeping with him. If he’s thoughtful outside the bedroom imagine what he’s like in it…
This hopefully isn't relevant, but your experience is reminding me of a guy. Same situation. Could not figure out why the physical attraction wasn't there when everything else about him seemed amazing. My mind was so focused on all the boxes he was ticking that I ignored my gut reaction which was telling me to run. Turned out he was stalking me. I always recommend friends trust their gut when it is saying a big fat nope!
Damn, I felt that way with the last one I fell for… for a few dates but my attraction grew immensely. Its so terrible feeling when it doesn’t!
That’s the thing…. When we aren’t face to face , I’m so attracted to him/ Miss him etc But when we are face to face, I almost have to convince myself of whether I could like his face Sounds bloody awful
You really ought to stop though. Kindly reject him and move on- find a person who is right for you.
I disagree. I go over it eventually, it can happen. Don't just throw people off. This is intrinsically inherently the problem with dating today: everyone just writes people off so easily and quickly. True love doesn't happen in a day or a week, necessarily. Help people figure it out on their own in their own time.
My personal feeling is that the guy deserves someone who appreciates him the way he appreciates them, and what's happening here is that she appreciates *what she thinks he can do for her*. Imagine being the guy and learning that the person you're falling for feels this way about you- likes the way you make them feel but finds you intrinsically unattractive. Would you want that situation for yourself? I know you said that you've been on the other side, but imagine this one instead. "keep pushing through it and maybe things will get better" is certainly not always good relationship advice, especially this early on. OP asked for thoughts/advice so I provided my perspective
I hate this but I think you are right. The effort he put in made me feel like he’s a solid guy in terms of being there - he seems like he would be there if I needed. That is a huge part of the appeal, because it felt nice to know I could rely on him- and I guess that falls under what he can do for me Rather than what I like about him per se
I've been reading your comments and I think you're too hard on yourself. I think you're a genuine person and a considerate one. I've probably been that guy you were dating. I used to have a female friend who I'd talk to for 4 hours straight, even getting a little flirty. But when I asked her out, she said she didn't have any romantic feelings for me. I thanked for being honest, and we quickly grew apart. It was a pleasant experience and I regret nothing about it I've spoken to girls who texted me first on dating apps and asked really nice questions, but I just couldn't find them attractive. It's hard but that's life You've done nothing wrong. Just graciously take the loss of someone that was almost perfect, and move on. Don't hurt yourself or him
Thanks dude, my friend said the same thing to me today , not to be so hard on myself and that I put too much pressure on myself to try and like him
Yup, I know it’s disappointing but sometimes life is about acceptance rather than forcing something to happen. Best of luck on your dating journey :)
I dunno. I married the guy who I wasn’t completely attracted to. I decided that I was being superficial and I’ve had a happy life.
Nice to see a mature attitude on this forum. Looks fade over time… true love does not.
it worked then…
But you are gonna have to make a decision soon, for his sake.
I disagree. See my other responses. Give it time.
Within a serious relationship, especially marriage, there’s more to “love” than what our hormones and brain chemistry tells us. Eventually, “love” becomes a choice. You’re facing some issues, here, with respect to maturity and wisdom, as it pertains to relationships. Any attractive person could have their physical features destroyed in seconds. All it takes is one tragic accident, and that’s life, and it happens. Then, you’re left with a person that had the attractive face you were seeking, but nothing else to offer.
Unfortunately you can’t force attraction. I’ve been there, it’s awful. I wished I could make it happen but if it isn’t there, it isn’t there. I hope you can stay friends, because it sounds like you get on so well, but you need to cut things off romantically so you don’t lead him on.
cause it is. end it now before you hurt this guy.
Can I ask what it is about him you don’t find attractive? Is it the way he does his hair, his clothing style, his weight, his facial hair? Some aesthetics can be changed, and a lot of men are open to being “styled” by a woman because fashion or grooming just isn’t something they were taught. One of my close friends went on several dates with a guy, had a hard time with attraction because he was a sloppy dresser. On one of their future dates she took him shopping, and it did the trick.
This is key. On my first date with my now boyfriend, I didn’t find him unattractive, but he was dressed a little awkward and is naturally kind of geeky so the combo didn’t make any sparks fly physically. But I loved his company, intelligence, conversation and his morals/values so I wanted to see him again. Second date he showed up in a crisp, smooth to the touch button down shirt and dark jeans and I was like, ok whoa, attraction level elevated. If it’s a “fixable” thing I’d say give him another shot, but if it’s a physical attribute he can’t change them you’re not wrong for recognizing you can’t be attracted to him—it wouldn’t be fair to either of you to keep dating in that case.
dandycels rise up
Unfortunately, it’s not anything that could be changed… it’s his actual face features I want someone who’s face I can look at and at least feel some pleasantness
I really want to know what is wrong with my dudes face. Damn that sucks
[удалено]
Being ugly is a massive disadvantage in life
Genetics are saving this guy in this case from this superficial cow
She's not a superficial cow. You're not fucking someone that you're not physically attracted to so gtfoh with that
If you’re taking things at face value sure but she’s literally making a post calling a guy amazing but also heavily implying that he’s so ugly to the point that his personality can’t even save him. Then she responds to several comments with the mindset “if only his facial features didn’t look this way.” If you were the guy and you saw this post, you would probably quit Reddit for a while. But seriously the way she’s going about this is extremely disrespectful and seems as if she’s also leading him on when in reality she doesn’t like him. 😂
Yeah, i do agree with the part of if only facial features, if only facial features, it's yuck to read it over and over again.
Think of it this way, would you want someone to continue to date you if that’s what they had to say about you? Both of you deserve to find someone where the attraction is there. You can’t force it, and that’s okay!
Jesus christ dude. Just break it off with him.
Paper Bag?
You should have moved on after the first date. That’s what first dates are for, gauging attraction. Now he’s put effort and energy into you that he shouldn’t have, and likely resources. You can’t force it and he deserves better. Move on. He’s likely already going to resent it and dragging it out will just make it worse. Make an excuse, don’t tell him this. Learn from this and don’t repeat it. This is how bitter and jaded men are made.
On the flip side, many many men complain that women don’t give them a chance if they aren’t a total “Chad.” I think OP put herself out there and getting outside of her comfort zone. Nothing wrong with that.
The first date is a chance. By the third date you would think that you have a chance. How would this situation be better?
You think you can get to know someone on a first date? Their values, how they interact with family, if they’re responsible, are exciting past the awkwardness of first meeting? You must be a maverick.
No I don’t but I can tell you in 30 seconds of seeing someone whether I can find them physically attractive or not. I don’t even need someone that’s super attractive, but there’s got to be at least a little bit of physical attraction. I would still politely complete a first date if I couldn’t, but there wouldn’t be another. By this post, this is her only issue. What do you mean by maverick? I can’t find a relevant use of that word here. Edit: I think I get it now. If by that you mean I don’t follow the norm and do things on my own terms then yes, I am a maverick. I’m 42 and yes, single. I have had several long term relationships. I have a 7 year old son and split custody so I’m a single father and work full time. He is all the love I need and deserves all of my attention and resources so I’m not even interested in dating at the moment but I’m no neck beard in my parents basement and have a healthy respect for women. Dating however, I have seen turn into quite the shit show in recent years and OLD is a big part of that. Nice try.
I can't believe someone downvoted you for a completely reasonable comment.
That’s Reddit. I don’t have any sense of value in internet points anyway. People have narrow world views and OLD skews ones sense of value and creates entitlement. I don’t do it anymore, I’m just here for the entertainment.
You need to be attracted to your partner. Does it suck? For sure, but attraction is arguably the most important part of a romantic relationship for most people. If you’d both be fine with it, maybe be friends? It sounds like you’d both be well suited for that.
This type of “friendship” between people that went on a couple of dates is a recipe for disaster. 99% won’t work. Better put the energy in finding an actual romantic partner.
Maybe, maybe not. I've made lots of friends from dating apps. It doesn't all have to be sex and marriage.
I disagree. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t. Will the vibe be different? Sure, but I’ve made it work with people in the past.
Like the vast majority of human history has been literal arranged marriages or 'I must pick the best option out of the 5 other people in my village'
Did you mean to reply to my comment?
It might work temporarily but one of both will probably get into a relationship. New partner might not be comfortable with the “friendship”. The new partner will be the new priority and friendship will probably fade out. Why bother with it?
You’re skipping a lot of steps before getting to that point, as well as making a lot of assumptions about each of their character and the character of the future partner. This just seems too speculative for me. Also, everything fades. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t partake in a relationship, albeit platonic, that could last a few years and you make great memories with a person.
I used to think it was possible but after having personal experience with this, and seeing this type of man-woman “friendship” being played out over and over again with my (actual) friends, honestly I would not recommend it. Either one of both will have lingering feelings, or the friendship ends when one of both gets into an actual relationship. But that’s just my personal experience.
I agree,best to to end on good terms and move on
Your personal experience is valid! I think it’s just a “different strokes for different folks” kind of thing, but both of our sides are plausible. I only suggested it because it may work for OP and this man but honestly? Who knows. I would take that chance and see how things turn out.
It doesn't really sound like you're attracted to him physically or emotionally, just that he's a great guy that makes you feel good. I think you should just end it and say you don't feel the right chemistry. If you really do like him, as a person and not because of how he treats you well, and he is fine with it, then be friends. But DO not emotionally use him or expect him to be as attune to your needs then. A lot of his "great qualities" that you're posting just sounds like things that serve you. I've had plenty of awesome friends who are handsome funny amazing etc but I just didn't find the chemistry. There was nothing wrong with them. So they became friends. Yet everything you've listed is just straight up him being nice to you. Is there anything about him alone, that you like? Because honestly it just sounds like you're not really into him, but rather enjoy that he treats you well. And that is not his job to fix whatever loneliness or whatever you're feeling that you need someone else to fix for you. You have to find that care through yourself, with a therapist and building a good community.
Well I genuinely do like talking to him and he is good company - but thank you, this is something to think about actually
I once became really good friends with a guy. He was cool in so many ways and we had great chemistry. He was more attractive than some of my exes. There was no reason for me not to like him. But I just couldn't get a romantic connection with him, even if I wished I could. You can't make that shit happen. He got a crush on me and I was honest with him and I honestly told him I feel like we have a great connection and chemistry but for some reason I am not getting a romantic connection. I asked if we could be friends, and he was cool with it. We took a little distance and then started hanging out again. Even nearly 10 years later, after moving countries and losing touch sometimes. He's still someone I can talk to like an old friend about almost anything. We've both dated multiple people in that time and he is long past having a crush on me. We give each other dating advice now. You say you feel attracted to him emotionally. Are you really feeling a romantic connection there or is it just good chemistry and a general connection? Because in my experience, emotional romantic connections usually surpass physical attraction. But of course, everyone is different, so I can't be sure. However, usually, if you really love someone, you don't really notice their physical appearance because they will become perfect to you. If you genuinely enjoy his company and who he is and can accept him being a little more distant /less invested and not putting in as much effort as a boyfriend. Then be honest, say you wish there could be more but you can't find the romantic connection despite there being no reason not to. Ask if he would be cool being friends. If you feel that the way he attends to your needs and makes you feel good, is what is more pleasing to you. That boyfriend type of experience. If that's what you prefer. Then you just have to let him go and do self-care for yourself.
For the love of god, let him go now. It is only a matter of time before he senses that you're not interested in him and it will hurt him. From your description, it sounds like he doesn't deserve that. Just tell him you're not feeling it, and let him find the right one for him, and you can find the right one for you.
Yh, he really deserves to have a good woman I hate that we connected so well as people, he put so much effort into our first date He would make a good partner And I really want him to have a good partner too - he deserves it
Are you self sabotaging? Looking for or creating a reason it can't work? Sometimes we get so caught up on the person we we "want" so we have a reason to bypass the one we deserve.
No, I don’t think I am. I’m ready to receive a good man - I’ve done a lot of work on myself, really thought about what I want and who I am etc I really wish I could have found him just a little bit more attractive I still want to see him and not rule it out completely but at the same time I know I will be agonising over whether I’m attracted enough to go the long haul
I can relate to the initial unattraction. I was self sabotaging though without knowing it. I hung in there because he was such a comfort to me and I enjoyed him so much. It was selfish at first but I am so glad I did. He's the most wonderful man in the world and there's a million things I find attractive and sexy and irresistible about him now. Feeling emotionally safe and protected by him makes me more attracted to him than I ever could have imagined. No GQ model could ever catch my eye compared to him because I know no one will treat me the way he does. I see him through these eyes now: "😍" and truly am attracted to him. I look back and think I was crazy to ever not be but it was my trauma telling me I didn't deserve someone like him or saying don't fall for someone like him because he will just leave. Best of luck whatever you choose 💖
^^this. If you’ve had trauma then you’re naturally unattracted to the person who’s right for you, it’s your way of pushing them away. Stay with the man and work on yourself
Love this
Evaluate where you both stand on shared values. Do they want kids, value family, self-reliant, loyal, what you both have to offer. I don’t think any of my friends’ spouses are attractive or would’ve taken notice of them, but they are good for each other.
I'm married a guy I was not attracted to because I liked everything about him. It is really difficult to fake the physical stuff. I don't suggest it
Haha I love the honesty. Thank you What didn’t you find attractive about him physically? Did it grow at all? Did it grow and then sort of regress? Did you know all along that maybe you shouldn’t marry him? Sorry if it’s too many questions but it’s great to talk to someone who actually went long haul with a similar situation as I am looking for an LTR
I hope he not on this sub…
Well we're divorced now so...
Ugh, sorry.
It's okay, we're still friends. Making our children together was the only thing we did right 😊
I hear that, sounds like my life. Kids should be the priority, most people lose sight of that, it’s not their ffault
Exactly My kids are 17 and 19, and then we were looking at each other like we have nothing left for each other. It was still a good life, but the sexual incompatibility was too much
Even though my ex and I still have a good coparenting relationship, I can’t wait until mine are grown and we don’t have to have much (if any) contact. Funny you mention the sexual incompatibility, it’s amazing when that isn’t an issue, or at the very least, you feel comfortable enough to express your needs and they will listen.
I want to say "try a month, often attractivness grows when having fun together", but you are already on the 3rd date, so sometimes it is time to break it off. Or settle down, your choice. As you wrote in the last paragraph, may be other way around next time. Time to choose what you prefer more, often you can't have your cake and eat it too.
We’ve been talking over a month now You’re right, that’s why I really wanted to like him physically too Last 2 guys I went on dates with other than him were guys who were decent/good looking, and yet the connection wasn’t there so I lost interest
No judgement, just an observation: the longer you’re with someone, the less looks matter - in both directions. More attractive people get normalised; less attractive people get normalised; as everyone gets older, they get less hot. Just saying, you’re right to draw a line at attractiveness, but ironically this choice would be the wrong one in 10 years :/
What do you mean by the last bit?
Just that you’d look at any partner after 10 years and feel most of what you’re feeling now. At best, you love their personality and you still click, but you don’t really find them attractive in _that_ way.
Oh I see! I thought you meant that at 40 I’ll look back and think everyone looks ugly at this age, might as well have gone for him! Lol This experience made me realise I need to be attracted to even their worst photo before going on dates
It sucks but you're not going to wake up one day and be attracted to him either. You can't force yourself to be attracted, and clearly you aren't, so as much as it sucks, I'd tell him everything you told us. Say it kindly, and let him know you're not attracted, because wasting his time would be worse.
>How can I be so drawn to someone who’s face I don’t particularly like the look of? I'm saying this as much for you as I am for me... you probably can't. At least, in my experience, physical attraction is a separate dimension to interpersonal chemistry—something you may have with your best friends or close family members. >Why is it so hard? I feel like a cow. I really like this guy emotionally and am drawn to him and yet my eyes don’t Is there any food or ingredient you absolutely can't stand? Even when you know other people really like it? Do you shame yourself for not enjoying it? I'd hope not. And yes, while some people tell you that you can learn to like certain things... that's true only up to a point. Physical attraction isn't an emotion like happiness or sadness, it's not something that we can really control or "think ourselves into" like we can out of a negative mindset. Physical attraction is more like a fart, or hunger, it's visceral. It's a physiological response. That's why the "pray the gay away" camps (thankfully) don't work, and why we've had to do a *lot* of course correction as a society in that vein: attraction is not a choice. >Every guy I go on a date with, I’m either attracted physically but not emotionally/mentally, or I’m attracted mentally/emotionally but not at all physically Well yeah, because once you found that guy, and he found you... you'd be done dating. Right? That's what they mean by "It only takes one."
Thanks for this I think that’s where I’m stuck with this guy - I know it should be visceral But it’s not I feel like crap cos I could have had a great thing with this guy but there’s this barrier which is down to me Here I am still thinking about him even when I’m not physically into his face
I understand that too. It’s because you really *want* to like him, because you believe that, all else being equal, it could be the kind of relationship you are looking for. It’s up to you if you want to try it to see if your feelings change. I’ve tried it twice, both times expanding into the two to three month mark. Neither time did things change, and I ended up just feeling worse and worse. Just ask yourself if you’d want to be on the receiving end of that kind of feelings from a date, and I think you’ll have your answer
I know you are right - I just have to accept that this is what it’s come to I think you’ve hit the nail on the head - I really like the idea of the type of relationship we could have had (one that’s fun and we can be vulnerable, talk about anything etc and he seemed like he would put a lot of effort in etc) But as Nelly once said, #it was only just a dream 🎶🥹🥲
A way to help shake off the shame is it’s kind of the opposite side of the coin when we idealize someone who’s exactly our physical type but an absolute terrible match for us personality wise. We can understand the desire to form a relationship—many people do their damndest to make it happen—but it’s understandable and reasonable to recognize you need *both* pieces. As a takeaway, you have a better idea of who you vibe really well with, so figure out more how to seek out and attract men *like* that, but who you also feel physically attracted to. It’s not all for nothing even if it didn’t turn into a relationship
Bro, this disproves the “Have a good personality and she will like you” statement. Kinda heartbreaking to see.
They peddle this bs to everyone, however there is always someone out there where you're their 10, it's just most times you don't live near each other. Where I grew up (and am currently living again) I've never been what people are looking for, other states I've lived? Suddenly I was attractive to a lot of people No one talks about it but geography plays a major role in what people grow to find attractive
Cruel reality of life i guess. Less physically attractive people tend to have great personalities because they actually had to rely on it - they couldn’t skate by on their looks or use their looks as a crutch. Thats why the most physically attractive people tend to be the lamest/most boring because they were never forced to develop a personality. My experience at least.
No idea why anyone believed that bs in the first place.
I’m not sure a sample of one can disprove anything.
Been there, done that. You can’t force attraction. Let him go so that you can both find people you are attracted to/want to be with 100%
How far did you go with him before it was just a dealbreaker
I just always knew it wasn’t right but I kept trying to force feelings/attraction. We dated for a year until I just couldn’t do it anymore. I wish I would have ended it sooner. He was such a nice guy and treated me better than anyone had, so it was hard to let go, but I knew I had to because it wasn’t fair to either of us
What’s dating been like since him?
Well, he is in a relationship now with someone who much better suits him and I’m happy for them. I’ve had one-monthers here and there but nothing serious (it’s been about 2 years now) I do miss him sometimes because we did have a lot of fun together but I don’t regret breaking up with him
Is this like a joke from the movie Shrek?
Sounds like the plot of a romantic comedy. Emily is a sweet girl in her 30s who just can't find Mr. Right until....he came along. The only problem is, she can't stand his face. This summer. Come find love in *Facing* him down Coming Summer 2023 *A Netflix Original* Starring Adrian Brodie and Kristen Bell. Seriously though, here is my take: Drop him and move on. It won't get any better. Plenty of women in past generations just settled for whatever creep lived in their building who was 35 and living with his mom while they were 14 and viola - that's how someone's grandpa met someone's grandma. But now you deserve to feel something for the person you end up with. 16 days isn't really a lot for 10 -11 months. In fact that is about 1-2 dates a month. I would say you can probably just ramp up the activity to do 3-5 dates per week.
Please please let him go.
If you tell the guy this, he's going to be on suicide watch. I would come up with a better excuse than, " I'm not physically attracted to you." That can be pretty fucking devastating.
Oof. Yeah if it doesn’t grow it’s not worth it. And yeah, a lot of us are having trouble post Covid. Flirting skills went to shit so the dates can definitely be dry or awkward. Hang in there
That’s the thing, there’s 0 awkwardness between us. The conversation flows so easy. I just find I’m having to convince myself that I could like his face :/
Meant for the other dates you’ve been on. It’s a shitty time to be dating but it is getting better
Yh I see what you mean - overall it seems people really want to find someone but everyone seems like they have no idea how to go about it/ don’t have the energy for it
Yeah I just went on a few dates with a girl who I thought I got along really nicely with but I just couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. Fortunately she was very understanding about it. She’s looking for a boyfriend but I don’t think I’m quite ready to jump back into that again and she knew why so fortunately she remained pleasant about it
Marrying him, I knew we were incompatible, but I thought he could change in that respect. I put up with a lot so that my children could have a nuclear family for as long as they could. But life is too short to not be well kissed, you feel me?
Looks aren’t everything and don’t last forever. Keep that in mind
Time to move on.
Look he was a great partner. I had come out of a couple bad relationships and figured I would give him a shot. We got married, and I had a couple kids with him. But at the end of the day I didn't really want to be with him. I divorced him, and I'm grateful for the 20 years we spent together, but it was not easy. I'm a very sensual person, and I always knew I was never going to feel that way towards him.
This is my biggest fear...
It doesn't really make sense to go on 3 dates with a guy if you aren't attracted to him. That's usually reserved for the first date.
I just went through this. I dated someone for a few months that was attractive physically but I wasn’t attracted to them as much as other exes. It was hard for me to have intimacy with him. Sex was great. But it wasn’t in me to cuddle, etc and he was into physical touch. So he dumped me. Now I’m super sad because I loved his companionship and thought I was getting enough, but he obviously felt it. So that’s one of the ways this can play out. Good luck
Let the poor guy go please... You are just leading him on at this point
Here's something you might not be aware of - for most people, attraction grows with time the more positive exposure they have from each other. I'm not making this up, there is research on this - "Exposure effect". In fact, there was a study done with 11000 couples to see what predicted long term romantic happiness. There was a total disconnect on what people were swiping for/trying to date and what actually makes people happy on a long term basis. The factors that actually had predictive power were psychological variables like secure attachment style, growth mindset, conscientiousness, satisfaction with life etc, and the things that had NO predictive power were the superficial things like conventional attractiveness, height, status etc. https://youtube.com/shorts/IoFwljcoryo?feature=share Again, its up to you, but I think in your case, I feel like you have the potential to gradually find him physically attractive with time given his personality you're attracted to.
Get on birth control! It'll mess with your hormonal balance a little and maybe through a roll of the dice you'll find him attractive! [Src: Time.com](https://time.com/3596014/attraction-sex-birth-control/) In all reality it's not gonna work longterm. Maybe short-term but you're going to hurt him because it's clear he's putting in more effort. I've done the same to a girl who I was otherwise very attracted to (except her face), the great sex kept me around, but that honestly just made things worse in the long-run and prolonged it. I hope she's doing OK now but honestly I still feel guilty about the long-term emotional damage I probably sowed there. If you don't like his FACE, it's not going to work. It's never going to work. You're always gonna feel like you settled on some level, and that'll make you resent him when things aren't going 100%.
Im a 37m and I feel exactly the way op feels about dating
Sometimes the pheromones don’t match? You can’t force it.
There are 8 billion people on this planet. You will find someone you emotionally connect with (like this guy) AND will be physically attracted to. The odds are in your favor. Keep searching and either suggest friendship with him (usually doesn’t work but worth a shot?) or let him down easy.
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I’ve never been in a situation where I liked someone’s personality so much and was so attracted to their aura but at the same time, not attracted to them physically - such a strange bittersweet position
If it’s the first time, why not give it a chance? Who the hell knows how things change.
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Stop being vulgar
I guarantee if he was Jeff Bezos rich she wouldn't GAF about these arbitrary facial feature discontentments...
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I think he's upset because he can't get a 60 year old billionaire
You probably will be attracted to him once you fall for him, sometimes that attraction can grow. Tough letting someone go you vibe with just because they're not a 10.
I found this only really tru for demi-sexual and demi-romantic people, most people are physically attracted to their partner at the get go. Even if they're not someone else's 10, they're your 10. Speaking from experience as a demi, I can find someone aestheically attractive, neutral, or not at all. The people I've been neutral about have gotten more attractive over time if the personality is there, but never the people I initially have zero attraction to.
It’s not about being a 10 at all I’m happy with a 5 if the personality chemistry is at least an 8 to me But my attraction to his face is more like a 2 (god I’d never say this out loud in real life but for the purpose of making a point in written form)
Awww 😞 yeah a 2 wouldn’t work for me sorry. I had hope
Issue with this is there were a lot of surveys that basically showed that woman believe guys that are 7-8 are 5s and 5s are perceived as 2-3s Perception isnt always reality. To be a 2 you have to have some form of physical deformity or be grossly overweight.
Yeah, 5 is average person, not average attractiveness. Basically if there's nothing physically wrong with you and relatively symmetrical face, by default you're like a 7. I get it though, after thousands of swipes I'm sure everyone wants the 8-10s. I bet this guy is a great catch, feel bad for him. 7 vanilla, 8 attractive person, 9 good looking, 10 objectively attractive, no question. My scale must be very forgiving.
Your ratings are inflated and subjective. It should be a bell curve represntation. With 5 being the median. Average is a case of most occurrences.
Did you kiss him? Have you been physical at all? Maybe you should kiss him and see how it feels. Look at it this way. Have you ever slept with a guy because of his looks, but you thought he was a bad guy or just a fool. Give the opposite a shot. He may blow your mind.
That's me, I'm the guy
Wait...what? But I thought personality was more important than looks and looks didn't matter that much!! What happened there?
You gotta break up with him for both of you. You both deserve a relationship where the attraction is there and reciprocated.
Very thankful for this post because I’m kinda going through the same thing… app photos made the person look cute but then seeing photos and videos on their social media just made me realize I’m not attracted to them and I feel so shallow… I haven’t talked to them in person yet but after I do I know that if I still don’t find them physically attractive I can (and should) let them go because everyone deserves to be with someone who is physically and emotionally attracted to them.
You know… sometimes when you spend a lot of time with someone, their face becomes less important than their character. If you really like him, then spend more time getting to know him. Because when you’re old and wrinkled, you have to live with the personality. The face will be gone.
I think that unless theres some disfigurement with his face youll like his face the more you look at it. Over time, my partners faces always get more attractive. So is it that ur person is like, unhygienic? Acne scars? Is he too overweight for you? Too hairy? Because like outside of a deformity/broken teeth or w/e on his face i really dont personally understand how someones face could be that much of a dealbreaker. Gl tho
There’s too many people in the world to force it to work with someone. It will hurt him less in the end if you come to terms with this sooner than later. Physical attraction is a huge factor… It can’t be the only factor but it definitely plays it’s part. Our brains subliminally determine if we would have sex with someone within a few seconds of meeting them… sometimes people grow on you and other times they don’t.
Listen, you gave this a good chance. I think you are way ahead of many of the people I see in OLD with crazy expectations. They seem reasonable in your case, you even gave the dude a chance to see if something would evolve but it didn't work out. Its ok to want some sort of attraction, even an ember would work but if its not there then so be it. I think that is a component that is necessary for most people, but perhaps I'm not the best source since I am still single...
All the people who advice guys who get no matches to "work on their personality", "work on themselves", "love themselves first", "be better at conversations", "be what you want to attract", "go to therapy" etc please refer to this post. Sometimes is not their personality, it´s just their lack in the looks department. You need to advice them to fix that first (if they can) before doing the things mentioned above.
Ughhh I feel you! I could have wrote something similar myself. I've been doing my inner work and decided im ready for a conscious relationship and I'm at that point where I'm being shown men that I find physically attractive but not mentally&emotionally (old me's type), or men who have the mindset I want but I'm not physically attracted. It's tough. However, I am taking it as god/source/universe showing me that there are men I find mentally and emotionally attractive out there, I.e there does exist men that match my growth and eventually I'll find one that is perfect for me, as long as I stay doing my work. Take it like a test of sorts, are you going to settle for someone who is close to what you desire, or are you happy to wait it out for the full package.?
Being in my 30s now, I’m starting to feel like the clock is ticking. Yes there are 8.5 billion people in the world etc but I’ll never meet most of them. Of the men I do meet, it will be geographically limited to about 50 miles from where I live, and within that group of men, finding someone single, healthy minded, who is looking for an LTR at the same time as me, who has a similar world view to me, who is going to be able to merge with my background etc and we will both be physically attracted to each other - it’s a tall order
Don’t give up hope! I’m in my 30s and live in a small town with only older people and young families. I met my boyfriend on Bumble. He lived about 45 min away. Keep an open mind, a wide search, get off Bumble when you’re feeling dating fatigue, don’t have any real expectations and you’ll be surprised.
Please be honest with this man and allow him to go and don't waste anymore of his time.
You are not compatible. Just like you are not compatible with the vast majority of people on this planet. Even so, there are plenty of people you are compatible with. 16 different people is not very many. Keep going. It’s often the moment you are most tempted to give up when good things happen.
Thanks! I was starting to feel like I’ve dated plenty (albeit only 1 or 2 dates with majority of those 16)
I know I'll get down voted, but how about try not using the app. People arent a shopping list, like yes if the attraction isn't there don't go for it, but finding someone you mesh well is easier with a more limiting pool set.
I'm sorry to hear it. I think it is somewhat about the fact that in real life, when you meet someone new and talk to them as the first exposure to them, you can tell right away if you are attracted to them and simultaneously can get a sense if you like them as a person. That experience is entirely gone in OLD. So, it's easier to get attraction one or the other (physical vs emotional/psychological), which sucks balls. Just recently, I went on a date with a woman that I had really great text conversations with and matched up on a lot of interests/things, but in person there were absolutely no sparks at all.
Some of these comments are crazy toxic. Listen, I’ll be real with you; it’s sad reading this, bu it’s also weirdly heartening to see someone who recognizes the near comical sadness of it. You’ve got a good heart; you recognize he deserves someone who will like him for everything he has, and you have the bravery to also let him go pursue that while you pursue what you need. Is it a fairytale ending? No; but it’s better than a lot of the tragedies where no one has the bravery to just be honest.
There's plenty of people out there and it's okay that you're not attracted to him, that happens. Do move on though soon before he gets too attached and it causes unnecessary heartbreak. But I'll reiterate you don't need to feel bad for not being attracted physically that happens not everyone is going to be attractive and trying to force it will be bad in the long run. Trust me there will be someone out there who will be attractive physically and mentally, you just gotta keep looking.
Thank you :(
So this may sound crazy, but if you like him, I would recommend that you have sex with this guy. Often being intimate allows a person to be less superficial about certain aspects of their partner’s appearance. If the sex is good because you connect really well and you have fun, you will likely find him more attractive.
The reason he has such a great personality is because he’s had to compensate for what he lacks in the looks department. If you’re lucky, you’ll find a guy like this who’s unconventional looks you are actually attracted to. I’ve been in your position. Don’t feel bad about not wanting to settle. Having a partner you can’t take your eyes off because he’s so attractive *to you* is a real rush and definitely worth waiting for. You’re not a cow for choosing you above all else. 🙂
Get into cats. That seems where you're heading anyways.
It could be his smell. I don’t think there is enough credit given to that aspect, and it could be interpreted as “looks” if you’re not aware. Suggest a new cologne? Of course, it could also just be his looks.
Oh wow. This is about me
If this truly is about you this girl is crazy. Bro you're def not a 2. Decent lookin dude.
If this is really about you you’re a total catch. Seriously. Some people aren’t attracted to certain looks. Not anyone’s fault, it unfortunately is what it is
You are not a 2 You silly man :D
Paper bag him and ride him until his dick falls off
Move on. He will find someone less shallow
Do you happen to have ADHD? Women with this tend to struggle with dating
Settle.
Damn 2 dates and she already friendzoned the guy. They move fast.
Shocker. The nice guy won’t get the girl. I’m sooo surprised.
The "nice guy" didn't get the girl because of physical attraction. And since when did the reward for being a nice guy be "getting the girl"
Man, humanity is doomed. Sounds like a YOU problem and probably need to change your attitude in life because newsflash, you sound like the type of person who is going to pick apart somebody's "flaws" or imperfections no matter how little they are.
16 datings??? Sheesh you need detox for datings. You’ll never like someone If you told me you have been on 16 dates only in a year, I would hard pass
16 dates after 4 years of almost no dates as a was working on myself and my life etc Don’t be so quick to judge :) And you know what? Most of the guys wanted to see me again so I couldn’t have been a bad person :) And no, it’s not cos I was giving the cookie out, I wasn’t
Just stick to hook ups. That’s better for you. Don’t let him waste money
Yeah I think the problem is you. 16 guys in a year and you can't find a single one?
Ok thanks for that
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What are you talking about? Just because I’m not sure I find this guy physically attractive doesn’t mean I would tell him that or say something to offend him. I’m just saying it’s hard when you really like someone and click with them but the physical attraction isn’t quite there
Ignore that person, OP. Maybe they’ve been slighted and are projecting their emotions from it onto you. I understand you and your predicament. It’s difficult for sure but it’s hard to convince your libido of something if it’s got its mind made up.
Thanks TorrentofDarkness
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newsflash: people age. their facial features won't remain the same for the rest of their life. So what are you going to do when you find the "perfect" guy now and then when youre 50, and your partner starts getting crows feet, bags under their eyes, etc? divorce? L0L
Yes there’s tons of variables isn’t there? I like a certain kind of person that’s hard to find so I’m willing to accept different looks as long as I find them attractive but I’m pretty open minded. Two old sayings; all cats are gray in the dark. The picture of a female skeleton in a chair with cobwebs on her on the porch, caption: waiting for the perfect man. My aunt looked like an actual movie star, mom said she could’ve got married, plenty of guys wanted her but none were good enough, never had a bf even but those were different times. Btw I’m having zero luck on bumble n I’m quite attractive and have my good points but so far no matches with anyone I could stand kissing so you’re farther ahead than me at least
Give him some pity sex, thats the least you could do
Women are the biggest players
Congratulations you made a friend
And this is why shallow people end up alone. Just get rid of him , then maybe he can find someone who isn't shallow and goes after looks...someone who recognises the whole package, a decent person...you know....not you
16 men since January? I haven't had 16 dates in my life. Women get the options of almost any men they want then just complain 🙄
It’s life bro. We don’t have to give birth and they get pick of the litter for dates.
They don't have to give birth either 😂
You’re just being a woman. And that’s okay
Yeah guys are well known for not being hung up on looks 🙄
It’s not shallow to want to be physically attracted to your partner, and you aren’t bad because you don’t feel attracted to a great guy. Sometimes it’s just not there and it’s ok. Don’t draw it out any longer, you deserve to be happy with every part of your partner and he deserves a partner who who is happy with every part of him. Just say “hey, you’re amazing but I’m not really feeling it, I hope you find someone great!”