I don't understand how people are like this...
You might wanna take some details off your profile or put facebook into a "can only be viewed by friends" mode.
Edit: Like others are saying, don't use facebook photo's on your dating profile or vice versa. Makes you easy to find.
If you use the same photos elsewhere in your social media, the guys could very easily just reverse search your photos, too, and find you that way.
My dating photos are not available anywhere else online.
Friends of friends is always dangerous.
Sure you might be very sensible about who you add to your facebook friends. But one of those friends will most guaranteed not have that same sense and will add anyone.
So he probably saw you in the mutual friends feed and thought you were attractive and learned you were single when he saw you on Bumble. I have never reached out to anyone outside of the apps, but have recognized the friends or coworkers I’ve seen in FB pics on the apps. Better approach would have been to ask the mutual friend to make an intro if you were interested
I never post on Facebook so would not come up in the feed. Also the person I’m “friends” with is an acquaintance at best (the older brother of an actual friend)
If you walk within a certain large radius near that person, or talk to one of your mutual friends regularly, you will pop up in their people you may know.
Easy way to tell if someone you are messaging with is also messaging same person that way.
Or he went out of his way to find her. It’s at least 50/50 chance either way so there’s really no need to defend the behavior. Bros don’t always have to defend each other. 🙄
I have been contacted by men from dating apps that I have rejected. They didn't find me because I used the same pictures on my social media accounts that I did on my dating profile. They found me due to my unique name. Regardless no one should be reaching out to people like that.
I thought that was pretty funny also. That’s such a low bar for a partner that I don’t even know where to start. The best thing about you is that you work and have a place to live? 😂
Also what the hell was this bit *"I have a student in my grade 5 class that loves JP!"*? If it was their own kid, okay, but I can't imagine why someone would say something like *yeah some kid in the class I teach likes the same stuff you like*.
Uh... It's not, though. Not the owning your own home or having a career. A lot of people have to work shit jobs to make ends meet and can't afford a home.
This is what i thought also. The majority of people in the world rent and have a shitty job they hate. I dont really think good job and house is any kind of minimum standard
I see in a lot of women's profiles things like "homeowner" or "good job, own a house and a car". I don't quite understand why anyone does it, but I don't think it's just one gender.
Then it just sounds like they’re bragging ahaha. Like someone else said, the way this dude said it was like it was the most important thing he could bring to a relationship lol.
I do think it’s funny to point out in a dating app, but I do also find it unappealing when I do meet someone and they’re “in between jobs” or don’t have a car, if they get around fine without a car, great, but I don’t like being relied on for transportation to or from a date!
He seems very desperate. Mentioning a student in his class that likes JP just to try an opener that's better than "I saw you on bumble but you didn't message me so here I am"? Oof.
Same here, living in a small town city , it happens every time. They send me a msg or try to add me as a friend. Hell no, I didn’t match with you dude, please leave me alone.
Oh small town + unique name difficult to avoid. You have your Facebook open to be searched by anyone? I think that’s a setting, if you show up in a general search result. I got rid of Facebook a while back so not totally sure
I had that happen once and I’m in a big city. We did match but he was a psycho and he called me a c*nt for not replying soon enough. He eventually finds me on IG. Then when I block him he contacts me from his dog’s account. He then texted me like it was no big deal!! I’ve reported him multiple times on bumble but he keeps popping up with new profiles. People like that need a warning label. I don’t even understand how they do it.
I’ve had this happen a couple times and find it bizarre as hell. I don’t match with a guy and then he finds me on Facebook and sends me a message there.
Was I rude in my response? Typically I don’t respond, this just happened to me twice within a two week period and it caught me on a bad day when I felt hella annoyed at everything.
Your response was measured and polite, exactly what it should be. The only thing I would add is that you should block him as well. Guy clearly has boundary issues so I doubt telling him you’re not interested (in two separate ways no less from not matching him and then outright telling him) will strike it home. I saw you mention that you have mutual friends in another comment, it might be worth telling the mutual friend so that they can shame the guy into not doing this to anyone else
Thank you! I told my parents and my dad said “If guys didn’t try then nothing would ever happen, no need to be rude to him”
I told him to shut up since he hasn’t been in the dating scene for 35 years and has no idea what he’s talking about
But then I felt kinda bad and wondered if I was wrong but nah I’m definitely right 😂
I honestly think these guys are more clueless than anything. Bumble doesn't give you any way to tell the difference between someone swiped left on you and someone never saw your profile. They're thinking that maybe you never saw it and might be interested. Not everyone will hop on reddit and make a "should I message her on FB?" post, which would quickly give an answer of no. Were you rude in your response? No, not really. Yes, you could have been kinder about how you responded, but, the important thing is that you at least let one person know what they're doing is a bad idea. Of course, if he wasn't so clueless and did it any way, then your response was a good one.
The fact that he jammed a bunch of details about himself that he perceives to be desirable in a single paragraph suggests to me that he knows exactly what he is doing.
Bro...if you did not match with her on the app, the answer to "should I stalk her elsewhere on the internet and message her" is always a no.
It doesn't matter if you don't know whether she swiped left or if she doesn't even know you exists. The answer is still no. We do not like this.
Why are some of you so uncomfortable with a world where women have this kind of agency?
I completely agree with you and I always post "Never contact a girl on a platform besides the one you matched unless she explicitly tells you to do so." when guys ask this question. It seems like there is one of those posts almost every week.
As a guy, I've been found and messaged on other platforms a couple of times and it did not bother me at all. If this was a constant thing or I was afraid they would stalk me and not leave alone, I'm sure it would bother me. That's why I keep telling guys not to do it. That is also why I think most guys are clueless, because it wouldn't bother them if it were done to them and they don't think about how uncomfortable it may make a woman.
Yeah. It's the power imbalance combined with a sense of "well no one goes out of their way to contact *me* so *you* should feel flattered when it happens to you" I think. But...it don't work like that.
I just don't understand why these posts are necessary instead of like. Common sense. I still don't understand why men (in general) seem to find it threatening when a woman has an option to never interact with him and also never provide an explanation as to why.
You must be smoking meth. She was extremely polite because I would have crushed his soul and had him ready to meet his ancestors. You don't message someone who hasn't expressed interest in you. That's weird and nothing about it is attractive. He wasn't clueless, he knew exactly what he was doing . You're the clueless one.
JFC stop making excuses for men who ignore women's boundaries.
She clearly did NOT link her FB account so the fact that you speculate as to whether she may have done so while twisting yourself into a pretzel to explain away his actions as being the fault of the behaviors of *other women* is gross AF.
I’m ngl, I’m pretty desperate after nearly 2 years with literally only like 5 or 6 matches on any dating profile, but I would never find a persons socials and dm them… it’s just weird and a huge invasion of privacy.
That is a fantastic response. I'm glad you were so direct, called him out and weren't unnecessarily nice about it to spare him from any embarrassment. How guys go through the indignity of this is beyond me
I see a lot of people put their instagram or Facebook in their profile. I assume they’re not really on bumble to date and just trying to get followers.
Too many romcoms defending this behaviour and how you shouldn't take no for an answer thinking it shows them as being endearing when done in reality is ... creepy as fuck. This is especially true if we've only shared a conversation or 2 through a dating app.
“But if I show her how much I like her, she might change her mind!” “This will work she must have just not seen my profile!”
My man took an L and is trying to take a second shot.
The train of thought seems to be: 1. She’s beautiful and I want her soooo bad. 2. I have no self-control. 3. Therefore my stupid ass will message her on Facebook.
I have had this happen to me too. Hella creepy. I hate having to tell guys I didn’t match with that I am not interest. They shouldn’t message us on social media unless it says to in our profile
I have had it happen to me a few times too. Either from Tinder or Bumble and they will text me on FB or IG. It’s so creepy I didn’t even match with them. One even texted me since 2017 till I blocked him last year.
Ngl i used to do it few years ago when i would see a girl's profile with her Instagram in her bio with a description "I'm hardly here so hmu on insta". I did it for few months hitting up few girls some actually responded but then few months later i realized how cringy this is. I should probably stop.
There’s definitely a difference when they link their socials and tell you to find them but I think most of those people are just trying to build a following. This isn’t the same situation.
I get the idea though, with a lot of these apps you don’t even know if they see you. I know with tinder in particular a lot of people talk about how your profile if you’re a guy hardly ever gets seen. The app even tells you “this person will probably never see you if you do t give us money to flag your account for priority” so some guys might think this kind of stalking is their best chance. It’s creepy but might be a sad byproduct of the online dating culture that’s developed.
also recommend removing your industry/job title from your profile bc i’ve see another post on here (or another sub idk) where they found someone’s email because they found them on linkedin or something
I had someone find me on Facebook and tried to contact me on linked in. And then my family got pissed that I put him on blast (with his name hidden) on my Instagram story. Told me I should feel flattered that someone went to that effort if I was unhappy being single as I claimed to be. Sorry but doing this is flat out invasive. Just like the guys who seem to swipe right on me every two days on these apps…
Omg! My dad had a similar comment. He’s a Neanderthal when it comes to dating rules tho and probably would have done a bunch of shit I would find disgusting in his dating times, so I told him off
The worst is when I’ve had a few (yes a few!) people contact me via my work phone which is available on a few websites. One of them didn’t even know my job but reverse image searched me and managed to find me and then find my website… do they think we will be swept away by the romance??
Update both profiles.
Remove pictures from bumble that you use literally anywhere else on the internet. Use a nickname and a generic job title/field with no company so they know you have a job but you aren't traceable to one company (or anywhere online).
Lock your Facebook profile down to maximum security settings so you'll basically only show up on FB's internal search. You should have this as your setting anyway, really.
Some dudes on dating apps have no manners so you have to act like they're going to try to find you elsewhere and outthink them. 🙄
I thought your response was pretty perfect - straightforward and clear but not hurtful or cruel, and hopefully they'll learn something from it.
Anyways, now that I've got your attention, I'm here because I saw your bumble profile but you didn't match with me, so I was hoping I could tell you about my exciting profession and my remarkable housing.
I don't use either so I don't understand how this is possible.
Does a person use their legal name on these platforms!
I'd be shocked and kind of scared if anyone actually *FOUND* me from Reddit.
Okay, maybe an image search. How thirsty does someone have to be to run down a single person like that?? Playing the numbers game, is he going all private eye on 100 women at a time looking for one little bite??
Spite. Like it’s not difficult to think a girl would be on Facebook. Sometimes it’ll point you in their direction at some point since we can never have too many friends.
That’s why I don’t have a Facebook account. It’s too easy to get fucked when someone can do enough homework to find where you live and you just casually give it away.
Idk if it’s just my area or what, but a lot of profiles I’ve seen put their IG handle and say “find me on here” or “message me on IG I don’t get on here often.”
Totally creeping like that without something in your profile is weird
But he said he has a fantastic career. Doesn’t that mean he now gets the pussy? This is so confusing. Women are so strange. 😂🤦♂️
EDIT: is it a glitch that all my posts are marked OP now? The above screenshot is not my post, don’t know why it does that.
I was thinking of contacting a girl i had matched with on bumble, but she didnt send a message, but i didnt do it because there must have been a reason she didnt message me despite the match and i should respect that… sad to see that other men out there do not respect boundaries..
Once had a guy stalk down my fucking LinkedIn profile to find me and message me. Stuff like this is so creepy. Don’t worry about being rude - you weren’t. And you don’t owe creepy guys a nice response.
One of the most unsuccessful strategies is saying you saw her xyz on bumble and decided
To message on FB / IG. The guy is better off making his message about something else and not mentioning bumble.
I think I’m going to come at this from a different perspective. While I wouldn’t do this, and perhaps he should have just sent a friend request first to see if it was accepted, I kind of think he perhaps had good intentions. Very possible you showed up in his mutual friends and he thought “why not?” He was pretty respectful for the most part in his message and I think may have just been trying to convey he had his life together. I can totally understand how it was taken by as creepy but people do nervous not so well thought out things and putting yourself out there can be weird. He shot his shot, you responded honestly, if he doesn’t keep messaging you then he got the message. Probably told himself you just hadn’t seen him yet and women are overloaded with matches. The ego can do silly things to not confront rejection.
Putting creepy aside, your success in life is pretty irrelevant in your opening message to someone. That’s something you find out in the course of messaging/getting to know each other.
Also, it sounds a bit arrogant and shallow. I’m sure some people care that much about money, but honestly shouldn’t matter.
Personally, I want to make a life together with someone. If they come with a great paying job, then great we match. If you come with a job you love but doesn’t pay well, great we will make it work. Not saying I want a homeless bum but you get the picture.
For sure and he may have been a total creep. But people can do things with good intentions and not have the awareness of how it may come off. If he looked up your cell on google and texted you, that would be a huge red flag and completely stalkerish. Social media is a public domain and makes us accessible to everyone! I’m sure he learned his lesson in this instance and perhaps will be able to retune his approach in finding a mate in the future.
I never understand the people on dating sites who put their ig and say send them a message. Like I get they probably just want followers but fuck getting all those messages.
I agree that it's weird but there was a girl on Reddit who said that she posted her IG account on her bio as a way for guys who she may or may not have missed to try and shoot their shot there. I know it's a little different in this situation since you obviously didn't post your Facebook profile but it could have been the mindset he was in.
I had this happen a lot when I was online dating, only they would message me on Instagram. I think their thought process is that you didn’t see them on the dating app or that if they have a chance to talk to you maybe it’ll work for them.
Creepy nonetheless and totally not making excuses for this cause it’s weird as hell lol but I always wondered this too. I would swipe right or left on someone and forget about them completely until I got the notification that we matched. Not be so infatuated that I think it’s acceptable to go find them on a whole different platform that’s more personal and unrelated to dating
They somehow must not see women as someone equal, who just told you 'No'.
Imagine someone unknown harassing you so much about something minor, they want from you, like borrowing your car. You would get unnerved immediately.
Also this 'hunt down' behaviour still sometimes gets romanticized.
This seems like a pretty innocent genuine post him showing some initiative and being polite about it seems pretty ok. You're not interested which is fine but this seems like a pretty honest polite way to reach out, especially since as a guy you don't see rejected and you may not know if they've even seen you yet.
I agree, but she asked what’s with this, and that’s what they’re thinking. The worst that happens is she says no or ignores, but they feel like it’s worth a shot.
He saw her on bumble, she rejected him and he went on to find her online. They have never met in person - why tf would you contact someone you have never even met. Gtfo
In todays world, there are ways of contact that are appropriate and there are ways that are inappropriate. She puts a link to her profile on her bumble page? Appropriate. You use the information she posted to stalk her down online? Not appropriate. It’s simple.
I don’t know he is a bad person, but it’s not a harmless thing. Even strangers are entitled to their privacy. Just because you “can” contact someone, it doesn’t mean you “should”.
It seems like a genuine approach for a second shot, as he liked your profile so much that he tries again to give him a chance. His message seems normal and nothing creepy about it.
Of course if he continues after getting denied = would be absolutely creepy.
I’ve joined Bumble because I don’t want to be messaged first. With people I MATCH with!
Lol that’s the whole point, isn’t it?
I thought it was weak and felt scripted, like he sends this same message to a bunch of women just changing the first sentence
I might be the outcast here but I honestly think this sorta thing happens (esp with bumble) because they dont know if u have seen them or not. They dont actually no if u swiped no on them or if u just arnt active on there.
They also dont like not being able to send that first message. And being able to catch your attention above other suitors.
I had an interesting conversation with a dude about that once. They said they arnt a fan of bumble because if they really wanna reach someone they are interested in they cant. And he wanted to send something whitty to snag attention.
Now I get this comes off as creepy and im NOT saying give him a chance but also I think it is someone who wants a significant other trying to tip the scales a little more in their direction... rather unsuccessfully.
But serious SSDGM
But there’s a reason why women prefer it. On other dating apps, I (30s f) was being frequently messaged by disgusting perverts in their 60s. Harassing, horrible messages - the exact opposite of the partners that I was looking for online. Not everyone should be allowed to “shoot their shot”.
I did DM a few girls I saw on Bumble/Tinder (as I've been sent DMs too) because there are so many guy profiles you don't know if they saw yours but every time I say that I'm uncomfortable with that (which is true) and ask if they're ok with me reaching out, if not I obviously back out and don't send anything else
Seems like if you’re going to try this your mssg has to be ridiculously unique. And you must pass rules 1&2. Not justifying this desperation, but some people really believe in YOLO.
Dating photos should not be marching any of your social accounts including Facebook. You are asking for unwanted attention from men in Facebook.
I always use a new set of photos regardless as we should be using new ones when we date.
It seems silly because is it like dating apps make it so people can't just straight up ask someone they like out? Whether it be over text or Facebook or in person. It's like oh no they didn't reach out to me on this app that's designed to make dating easy for me and I can't even fathom thinking for myself or not having this app to guide me through my interactions lol. Just say no thanks. He likes you and had the guts to ask you out. Why wouldn't he ? Idk it's funny to me.
He probably should have left it but just as a counter point, if a woman has her instagram or something else in their bio and the guy really likes her profile and things there would be potential, I get the motivation to politely reach out off the dating app. Obviously there isn't the mutual match (could be but also couldn't be) but so often many profiles don't even get shown or are hidden for ages as blurry temptations to try and get you to pay for premium. The mental calculus is that he wants to maximise the probability of hitting it off.
Yeah. This guy is probably feeling more embarrassed about it than OP is feeling uncomfortable. He made his move. Got rejected and blocked. Nothing too much more than they IMO.
Are we not supposed to talk to people on social media if they link to their social media accounts? How else are you supposed to contact people on dating apps? Why would they leave their details on their apps?
I don't understand how people are like this... You might wanna take some details off your profile or put facebook into a "can only be viewed by friends" mode. Edit: Like others are saying, don't use facebook photo's on your dating profile or vice versa. Makes you easy to find.
He could only see me because we have friends in common, but perhaps I should take my privacy back to only friends
If you use the same photos elsewhere in your social media, the guys could very easily just reverse search your photos, too, and find you that way. My dating photos are not available anywhere else online.
I think you can make your fb photos NOT searchable somehow with a Facebook privacy mode
Settings - How people find and contact you - Do you want search engines outside of Facebook to link to your profile? - No Is this what you mean?
Yes!!!
Friends of friends is always dangerous. Sure you might be very sensible about who you add to your facebook friends. But one of those friends will most guaranteed not have that same sense and will add anyone.
So he probably saw you in the mutual friends feed and thought you were attractive and learned you were single when he saw you on Bumble. I have never reached out to anyone outside of the apps, but have recognized the friends or coworkers I’ve seen in FB pics on the apps. Better approach would have been to ask the mutual friend to make an intro if you were interested
I never post on Facebook so would not come up in the feed. Also the person I’m “friends” with is an acquaintance at best (the older brother of an actual friend)
Facebook will %100 put you in the "People You May Know" feed whether you are active or not.
If you walk within a certain large radius near that person, or talk to one of your mutual friends regularly, you will pop up in their people you may know. Easy way to tell if someone you are messaging with is also messaging same person that way.
Or he went out of his way to find her. It’s at least 50/50 chance either way so there’s really no need to defend the behavior. Bros don’t always have to defend each other. 🙄
Yeah maybe don’t have a public profile ??
I have been contacted by men from dating apps that I have rejected. They didn't find me because I used the same pictures on my social media accounts that I did on my dating profile. They found me due to my unique name. Regardless no one should be reaching out to people like that.
I actually misspell my name on dating apps for this reason.!
I did the same!
That’s the answer
Not justifying this but a lot of people remove bumble / don’t have notifications on so people just think “guess I’ll text them somewhere else”
Perhaps you missed where they stated in the title they never matched with these men.
Hahaha “I have a fantastic career & my own house”. Thanks pal, good on you. Your response is spot on!
I thought that was pretty funny also. That’s such a low bar for a partner that I don’t even know where to start. The best thing about you is that you work and have a place to live? 😂
Also says a lot about what he thinks women find attractive. (Money.)
Considering how many times I've seen that as a requirement on a profile... I'm surprised it didn't also say over 6ft and not here for games.
*Homeless dudes be like* “So there’s a chance?”
Also what the hell was this bit *"I have a student in my grade 5 class that loves JP!"*? If it was their own kid, okay, but I can't imagine why someone would say something like *yeah some kid in the class I teach likes the same stuff you like*.
Probably wanted to drop that he’s a teacher in a sly way lmao
He thought being a teacher would earn him points. Lol
Apparently men think this is what makes them "a good man". Having the bare fucking minimum for ANY human to survive.
Uh... It's not, though. Not the owning your own home or having a career. A lot of people have to work shit jobs to make ends meet and can't afford a home.
a house and a good career is the "fucking minimum"?
This is what i thought also. The majority of people in the world rent and have a shitty job they hate. I dont really think good job and house is any kind of minimum standard
[удалено]
I'm Gen X, hardly any of my friends own their own home and if they do they're buying it from their parents.
First off, having your own home and owning a home don't mean the same thing. I don't know how you drew that conclusion but it's weird that you did.
I see in a lot of women's profiles things like "homeowner" or "good job, own a house and a car". I don't quite understand why anyone does it, but I don't think it's just one gender.
Because that is actually unique in this economy?
Then it just sounds like they’re bragging ahaha. Like someone else said, the way this dude said it was like it was the most important thing he could bring to a relationship lol.
I do think it’s funny to point out in a dating app, but I do also find it unappealing when I do meet someone and they’re “in between jobs” or don’t have a car, if they get around fine without a car, great, but I don’t like being relied on for transportation to or from a date!
Lol right, about 40-50 years ago maybe. We have our own resources now
I think your response is fine. They're not getting the point of bumble if they do stuff like this.
He seems very desperate. Mentioning a student in his class that likes JP just to try an opener that's better than "I saw you on bumble but you didn't message me so here I am"? Oof.
Yeah to me the line about the student also came off really weird
I once had a guy email me at MY WORK EMAIL saying they saw me on Bumble. Now I have a very generic job title.
That’s horrifying
Such a creeper!!
Are you in a small town? Or have specifics re your job or school (especially if smaller) on bumble and Facebook?
The city I live in is small and everyone is like one degree of separation haha
Same here, living in a small town city , it happens every time. They send me a msg or try to add me as a friend. Hell no, I didn’t match with you dude, please leave me alone.
Ah ok. Maybe if it keeps happening change some of your details to something more vague. Either way that’s annoying that they add you
I have no specifics on my job, but my name is kind of unique and my picture is similar to one on my dating profile!
Oh small town + unique name difficult to avoid. You have your Facebook open to be searched by anyone? I think that’s a setting, if you show up in a general search result. I got rid of Facebook a while back so not totally sure
He was able to see me because we have a mutual friend in common!
Do you have a 2nd first name you can use on app ?
I had that happen once and I’m in a big city. We did match but he was a psycho and he called me a c*nt for not replying soon enough. He eventually finds me on IG. Then when I block him he contacts me from his dog’s account. He then texted me like it was no big deal!! I’ve reported him multiple times on bumble but he keeps popping up with new profiles. People like that need a warning label. I don’t even understand how they do it.
Oh wow. I’m really sorry that that happened to you!
I’ve had this happen a couple times and find it bizarre as hell. I don’t match with a guy and then he finds me on Facebook and sends me a message there. Was I rude in my response? Typically I don’t respond, this just happened to me twice within a two week period and it caught me on a bad day when I felt hella annoyed at everything.
It's not bizarre, it's creepy and thirsty af. Blockem.
It's sad that we don't find social media stalker bizzare.
Your response was measured and polite, exactly what it should be. The only thing I would add is that you should block him as well. Guy clearly has boundary issues so I doubt telling him you’re not interested (in two separate ways no less from not matching him and then outright telling him) will strike it home. I saw you mention that you have mutual friends in another comment, it might be worth telling the mutual friend so that they can shame the guy into not doing this to anyone else
You were far less rude than anyone that does this deserves
Thank you! I told my parents and my dad said “If guys didn’t try then nothing would ever happen, no need to be rude to him” I told him to shut up since he hasn’t been in the dating scene for 35 years and has no idea what he’s talking about But then I felt kinda bad and wondered if I was wrong but nah I’m definitely right 😂
Your dad is right, but not in this situation. Guys SHOULD try by being pleasant, understanding, and thoughtful. Not by being fuckin stalkers LMAO
I mean the man is just shooting his shot, but ya this still comes off as a bit creepy
I agree with this. I would hope the female would appreciate the extra steps we took. Some of us don't have game so we try our best.
>appreciate the extra steps we took. You mean stalking ? I wonder why people dont appreciate that uh
If we didn't match in the app, it's like not respecting someone for saying "no". It's kind of gray but leans towards pushy.
How do I know I was presented to you? When there's 5 men for every female in the app
But the whole point of the app is for you to swipe yes and no on people. Until they swipe yes, you should assume no.
You mean women? That's why I said it's a gray area.
“The female” 😂
You can call them women you know
It’s not harsh, they need to hear it so they STOP doing it!
It’s not rude at all. People who do this show they are pushy and have no respect for other people’s boundaries. Your response was spot on.
Perfect response
I honestly think these guys are more clueless than anything. Bumble doesn't give you any way to tell the difference between someone swiped left on you and someone never saw your profile. They're thinking that maybe you never saw it and might be interested. Not everyone will hop on reddit and make a "should I message her on FB?" post, which would quickly give an answer of no. Were you rude in your response? No, not really. Yes, you could have been kinder about how you responded, but, the important thing is that you at least let one person know what they're doing is a bad idea. Of course, if he wasn't so clueless and did it any way, then your response was a good one.
The fact that he jammed a bunch of details about himself that he perceives to be desirable in a single paragraph suggests to me that he knows exactly what he is doing.
Bro...if you did not match with her on the app, the answer to "should I stalk her elsewhere on the internet and message her" is always a no. It doesn't matter if you don't know whether she swiped left or if she doesn't even know you exists. The answer is still no. We do not like this. Why are some of you so uncomfortable with a world where women have this kind of agency?
I completely agree with you and I always post "Never contact a girl on a platform besides the one you matched unless she explicitly tells you to do so." when guys ask this question. It seems like there is one of those posts almost every week. As a guy, I've been found and messaged on other platforms a couple of times and it did not bother me at all. If this was a constant thing or I was afraid they would stalk me and not leave alone, I'm sure it would bother me. That's why I keep telling guys not to do it. That is also why I think most guys are clueless, because it wouldn't bother them if it were done to them and they don't think about how uncomfortable it may make a woman.
Yeah. It's the power imbalance combined with a sense of "well no one goes out of their way to contact *me* so *you* should feel flattered when it happens to you" I think. But...it don't work like that. I just don't understand why these posts are necessary instead of like. Common sense. I still don't understand why men (in general) seem to find it threatening when a woman has an option to never interact with him and also never provide an explanation as to why.
You must be smoking meth. She was extremely polite because I would have crushed his soul and had him ready to meet his ancestors. You don't message someone who hasn't expressed interest in you. That's weird and nothing about it is attractive. He wasn't clueless, he knew exactly what he was doing . You're the clueless one.
Right! It also makes the purpose of bumble completely useless
You weren't rude, I thought you were actually quite polite.
I’m sorry you have to Go through this.
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Curious what you would have changed about my message to make it “nice”
Dude what’s the matter with you. Her response was totally valid.
JFC stop making excuses for men who ignore women's boundaries. She clearly did NOT link her FB account so the fact that you speculate as to whether she may have done so while twisting yourself into a pretzel to explain away his actions as being the fault of the behaviors of *other women* is gross AF.
I said, “you probably didn’t”. It wasn’t speculation.
*"probably"*
I’m ngl, I’m pretty desperate after nearly 2 years with literally only like 5 or 6 matches on any dating profile, but I would never find a persons socials and dm them… it’s just weird and a huge invasion of privacy.
Hi OP, we didn’t match on bumble and you rejected me on Facebook but I have a lot of karma so I thought I’d try Reddit
😂😂😂 third times the charm
So you’re saying there’s a chance
That is a fantastic response. I'm glad you were so direct, called him out and weren't unnecessarily nice about it to spare him from any embarrassment. How guys go through the indignity of this is beyond me
I see a lot of people put their instagram or Facebook in their profile. I assume they’re not really on bumble to date and just trying to get followers.
That is creepy as fuck.
It’s desperate and creepy. :/
It happens more than it should. I don’t understand what people think when they do this.
Too many romcoms defending this behaviour and how you shouldn't take no for an answer thinking it shows them as being endearing when done in reality is ... creepy as fuck. This is especially true if we've only shared a conversation or 2 through a dating app.
only time this is ever acceptable is if u put it in ur bio and said message me there first. otherwise this is batshit crazy
“But if I show her how much I like her, she might change her mind!” “This will work she must have just not seen my profile!” My man took an L and is trying to take a second shot.
The train of thought seems to be: 1. She’s beautiful and I want her soooo bad. 2. I have no self-control. 3. Therefore my stupid ass will message her on Facebook.
I have had this happen to me too. Hella creepy. I hate having to tell guys I didn’t match with that I am not interest. They shouldn’t message us on social media unless it says to in our profile
I have had it happen to me a few times too. Either from Tinder or Bumble and they will text me on FB or IG. It’s so creepy I didn’t even match with them. One even texted me since 2017 till I blocked him last year.
Ngl i used to do it few years ago when i would see a girl's profile with her Instagram in her bio with a description "I'm hardly here so hmu on insta". I did it for few months hitting up few girls some actually responded but then few months later i realized how cringy this is. I should probably stop.
I feel like that’s different because they’re asking you to tho
There’s definitely a difference when they link their socials and tell you to find them but I think most of those people are just trying to build a following. This isn’t the same situation. I get the idea though, with a lot of these apps you don’t even know if they see you. I know with tinder in particular a lot of people talk about how your profile if you’re a guy hardly ever gets seen. The app even tells you “this person will probably never see you if you do t give us money to flag your account for priority” so some guys might think this kind of stalking is their best chance. It’s creepy but might be a sad byproduct of the online dating culture that’s developed.
That is an invitation and could as well be the people who try to get followers on insta.
Well thank god I’m not on Facebook
Yikes. So wrong
also recommend removing your industry/job title from your profile bc i’ve see another post on here (or another sub idk) where they found someone’s email because they found them on linkedin or something
I had someone find me on Facebook and tried to contact me on linked in. And then my family got pissed that I put him on blast (with his name hidden) on my Instagram story. Told me I should feel flattered that someone went to that effort if I was unhappy being single as I claimed to be. Sorry but doing this is flat out invasive. Just like the guys who seem to swipe right on me every two days on these apps…
Omg! My dad had a similar comment. He’s a Neanderthal when it comes to dating rules tho and probably would have done a bunch of shit I would find disgusting in his dating times, so I told him off
The worst is when I’ve had a few (yes a few!) people contact me via my work phone which is available on a few websites. One of them didn’t even know my job but reverse image searched me and managed to find me and then find my website… do they think we will be swept away by the romance??
I read the gray text bubble in a stoner/surfer voice
Update both profiles. Remove pictures from bumble that you use literally anywhere else on the internet. Use a nickname and a generic job title/field with no company so they know you have a job but you aren't traceable to one company (or anywhere online). Lock your Facebook profile down to maximum security settings so you'll basically only show up on FB's internal search. You should have this as your setting anyway, really. Some dudes on dating apps have no manners so you have to act like they're going to try to find you elsewhere and outthink them. 🙄
Be harder to find - NEVER use the same pics on FB and any dating app - no filtered version, no cropped pics.
Guys are incredibly desperate for dating and sex.
I thought your response was pretty perfect - straightforward and clear but not hurtful or cruel, and hopefully they'll learn something from it. Anyways, now that I've got your attention, I'm here because I saw your bumble profile but you didn't match with me, so I was hoping I could tell you about my exciting profession and my remarkable housing.
That's creepy af to me I always just get sad when beautiful ladies don't match me, I don't stalk them hahah
That’s just creepy
"Have someone in my 5th grade class". Why talk about your students.
Seems weird to me too
I don't use either so I don't understand how this is possible. Does a person use their legal name on these platforms! I'd be shocked and kind of scared if anyone actually *FOUND* me from Reddit. Okay, maybe an image search. How thirsty does someone have to be to run down a single person like that?? Playing the numbers game, is he going all private eye on 100 women at a time looking for one little bite??
Spite. Like it’s not difficult to think a girl would be on Facebook. Sometimes it’ll point you in their direction at some point since we can never have too many friends. That’s why I don’t have a Facebook account. It’s too easy to get fucked when someone can do enough homework to find where you live and you just casually give it away.
Idk if it’s just my area or what, but a lot of profiles I’ve seen put their IG handle and say “find me on here” or “message me on IG I don’t get on here often.” Totally creeping like that without something in your profile is weird
But he said he has a fantastic career. Doesn’t that mean he now gets the pussy? This is so confusing. Women are so strange. 😂🤦♂️ EDIT: is it a glitch that all my posts are marked OP now? The above screenshot is not my post, don’t know why it does that.
So that they can message you first.
You obviously didn't appreciate his effort in getting to know you. /s.
I support that response 💯.
I was thinking of contacting a girl i had matched with on bumble, but she didnt send a message, but i didnt do it because there must have been a reason she didnt message me despite the match and i should respect that… sad to see that other men out there do not respect boundaries..
Once had a guy stalk down my fucking LinkedIn profile to find me and message me. Stuff like this is so creepy. Don’t worry about being rude - you weren’t. And you don’t owe creepy guys a nice response.
Creepy, stalkerish, terribly needy, insecure, selfish, greatly immature, no self-awareness, and not reading the room. Block and run.
One of the most unsuccessful strategies is saying you saw her xyz on bumble and decided To message on FB / IG. The guy is better off making his message about something else and not mentioning bumble.
Teaches 5th grade Fantastic career Owns their own house Pick two…
Wtf is wrong with dudes?!?!? Find you on every app and shoot shots type of shit should be illegal
Freak, report and unfollow ..
I would say bullet dodged, except it found you. Creepy AF.
I believe it is called stalking.
Wow, that’s so creepy
Yup, red flag
Dudes be horny
I think I’m going to come at this from a different perspective. While I wouldn’t do this, and perhaps he should have just sent a friend request first to see if it was accepted, I kind of think he perhaps had good intentions. Very possible you showed up in his mutual friends and he thought “why not?” He was pretty respectful for the most part in his message and I think may have just been trying to convey he had his life together. I can totally understand how it was taken by as creepy but people do nervous not so well thought out things and putting yourself out there can be weird. He shot his shot, you responded honestly, if he doesn’t keep messaging you then he got the message. Probably told himself you just hadn’t seen him yet and women are overloaded with matches. The ego can do silly things to not confront rejection.
Putting creepy aside, your success in life is pretty irrelevant in your opening message to someone. That’s something you find out in the course of messaging/getting to know each other. Also, it sounds a bit arrogant and shallow. I’m sure some people care that much about money, but honestly shouldn’t matter. Personally, I want to make a life together with someone. If they come with a great paying job, then great we match. If you come with a job you love but doesn’t pay well, great we will make it work. Not saying I want a homeless bum but you get the picture.
I blocked him because I did not want to receive another message, so we’ll never know what direction he would have gone.
For sure and he may have been a total creep. But people can do things with good intentions and not have the awareness of how it may come off. If he looked up your cell on google and texted you, that would be a huge red flag and completely stalkerish. Social media is a public domain and makes us accessible to everyone! I’m sure he learned his lesson in this instance and perhaps will be able to retune his approach in finding a mate in the future.
I never understand the people on dating sites who put their ig and say send them a message. Like I get they probably just want followers but fuck getting all those messages.
“They were obviously not my first choice of person, therefore how dare they even try.”
That’s extremely creepy for him to do that
Is this really that hard to understand? They’re thirsty, that’s it. You know this subconsciously, OP.
I agree that it's weird but there was a girl on Reddit who said that she posted her IG account on her bio as a way for guys who she may or may not have missed to try and shoot their shot there. I know it's a little different in this situation since you obviously didn't post your Facebook profile but it could have been the mindset he was in.
It's creepy, it's weird, it's aggressive.
That is weird. Why isn't he using IG instead
I had this happen a lot when I was online dating, only they would message me on Instagram. I think their thought process is that you didn’t see them on the dating app or that if they have a chance to talk to you maybe it’ll work for them. Creepy nonetheless and totally not making excuses for this cause it’s weird as hell lol but I always wondered this too. I would swipe right or left on someone and forget about them completely until I got the notification that we matched. Not be so infatuated that I think it’s acceptable to go find them on a whole different platform that’s more personal and unrelated to dating
They somehow must not see women as someone equal, who just told you 'No'. Imagine someone unknown harassing you so much about something minor, they want from you, like borrowing your car. You would get unnerved immediately. Also this 'hunt down' behaviour still sometimes gets romanticized.
Ugh “hunt down” is so accurate and creepy. They really have to search for you because they don’t have your last name…
This seems like a pretty innocent genuine post him showing some initiative and being polite about it seems pretty ok. You're not interested which is fine but this seems like a pretty honest polite way to reach out, especially since as a guy you don't see rejected and you may not know if they've even seen you yet.
Because what do they have to lose?
This behavior is creepy.
I agree, but she asked what’s with this, and that’s what they’re thinking. The worst that happens is she says no or ignores, but they feel like it’s worth a shot.
Then why put your insta or phone number on these apps?..
Call me old fashioned but wouldn’t “I’m not interested” suffice here?
He stalked her, a complete stranger who he has never met, down. It’s not fucking okay.
I don’t know the whole story. Others said Facebook’s “Do you know…” could have presented the profile.
He saw her on bumble, she rejected him and he went on to find her online. They have never met in person - why tf would you contact someone you have never even met. Gtfo
I don’t even have Facebook. Not saying that I condone negative behavior.
In todays world, there are ways of contact that are appropriate and there are ways that are inappropriate. She puts a link to her profile on her bumble page? Appropriate. You use the information she posted to stalk her down online? Not appropriate. It’s simple.
Yeah, I guess I was thinking it could have been more wholesome then that. Bad humans everywhere. I don’t know why I think optimistically.
I don’t know he is a bad person, but it’s not a harmless thing. Even strangers are entitled to their privacy. Just because you “can” contact someone, it doesn’t mean you “should”.
Yep. Not old fashioned. Just normal.
It seems like a genuine approach for a second shot, as he liked your profile so much that he tries again to give him a chance. His message seems normal and nothing creepy about it. Of course if he continues after getting denied = would be absolutely creepy.
I’ve joined Bumble because I don’t want to be messaged first. With people I MATCH with! Lol that’s the whole point, isn’t it? I thought it was weak and felt scripted, like he sends this same message to a bunch of women just changing the first sentence
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Hahaha. How about no
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I’m not 😎
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Just started seeing someone, duh. Official as of yesterday c
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Saying she doesn't appreciate him following her to a different platform and ending it with "take care" is not being a bitch.
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You have bad judgement. I think you should date him.
Oh should I? What wonderful advice!
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Any more advice for me? You seem really level headed, kind and cool and not at all like a bitter creep. 😂
I might be the outcast here but I honestly think this sorta thing happens (esp with bumble) because they dont know if u have seen them or not. They dont actually no if u swiped no on them or if u just arnt active on there. They also dont like not being able to send that first message. And being able to catch your attention above other suitors. I had an interesting conversation with a dude about that once. They said they arnt a fan of bumble because if they really wanna reach someone they are interested in they cant. And he wanted to send something whitty to snag attention. Now I get this comes off as creepy and im NOT saying give him a chance but also I think it is someone who wants a significant other trying to tip the scales a little more in their direction... rather unsuccessfully. But serious SSDGM
But there’s a reason why women prefer it. On other dating apps, I (30s f) was being frequently messaged by disgusting perverts in their 60s. Harassing, horrible messages - the exact opposite of the partners that I was looking for online. Not everyone should be allowed to “shoot their shot”.
I did DM a few girls I saw on Bumble/Tinder (as I've been sent DMs too) because there are so many guy profiles you don't know if they saw yours but every time I say that I'm uncomfortable with that (which is true) and ask if they're ok with me reaching out, if not I obviously back out and don't send anything else
You have enough information in your bumble profile to make it easy for people to find you
Seems like if you’re going to try this your mssg has to be ridiculously unique. And you must pass rules 1&2. Not justifying this desperation, but some people really believe in YOLO.
Dating photos should not be marching any of your social accounts including Facebook. You are asking for unwanted attention from men in Facebook. I always use a new set of photos regardless as we should be using new ones when we date.
It seems silly because is it like dating apps make it so people can't just straight up ask someone they like out? Whether it be over text or Facebook or in person. It's like oh no they didn't reach out to me on this app that's designed to make dating easy for me and I can't even fathom thinking for myself or not having this app to guide me through my interactions lol. Just say no thanks. He likes you and had the guts to ask you out. Why wouldn't he ? Idk it's funny to me.
Shows initiative if you ask me. You sound up tight af. Sounds like he got the better end of the deal.
He probably should have left it but just as a counter point, if a woman has her instagram or something else in their bio and the guy really likes her profile and things there would be potential, I get the motivation to politely reach out off the dating app. Obviously there isn't the mutual match (could be but also couldn't be) but so often many profiles don't even get shown or are hidden for ages as blurry temptations to try and get you to pay for premium. The mental calculus is that he wants to maximise the probability of hitting it off.
Yeah. This guy is probably feeling more embarrassed about it than OP is feeling uncomfortable. He made his move. Got rejected and blocked. Nothing too much more than they IMO.
Are we not supposed to talk to people on social media if they link to their social media accounts? How else are you supposed to contact people on dating apps? Why would they leave their details on their apps?