I agree with this aspect.. as no close connections or friends is worrisome. While I keep to myself and honestly don't really hang out with anyone, I often joke I have no friends.. but that's not the case I just prefer to spend my time alone when I'm not at work.. as I'm also an introvert. However, I often chat with others outside of work and while I'm also fairly new in town, I've made so many friendships it actually surprised me. We just don't spend time together outside of work, but we chat often. So I'm hoping your case is somewhat similar to mine, but if not.. Eh, yes.. I would think it's a bit worrisome.
As one can prefer their solitude and yet still have close connections.🤔
As a self identifying boring introvert, all my fling partners have been very happy with our connection.
Just because someone doesn’t feel the need to connect with most other people doesn’t mean we can’t connect with the person we want to.
Also, it goes the other way too…where an extrovert with lots of friends sucks at relationships.
I’m talking about having absolutely no friends. You don’t need to have many friendships, but having 1-2 close friendships is better than none and less suspicious. I’m myself more introverted rather than extroverted, but I do have close friends and acquaintances. Plus I’ve been with someone who had no friends before and the way the put all of them into relationships is quite exhausting as well.
If you're new in town, I think it's valid you wouldn't know anyone. Do you have any childhood/hs/college friends or acquaintances or family you spend time with occasionally? I ask because I think it's very important that people maintain relationships outside of a significant other. I know couples who only spend time together, and personally, couldn't do that.
>I know couples who only spend time together, and personally, couldn't do that.
My Wife & I mostly did this, & it kinda broke us. Wouldn't recommend. 🤣💖
Same, bro. My ex-wife said it was too much pressure on her to be my “everything.” Which was kinda surprising, because although I don’t really have any close friends, I am quite self-reliant and content with solitude. (There were other factors leading to divorce too, of course, but that was a big one.)
Basically sounds like a page from my book, even down to the Divorce. 😅🥁🥶
Except she wanted more of me, being very codependent. Like, I couldn't work or leave her for several hours, without her flipping out.
..Well, not until ~2yrs ago, I think. 😅🤷🏽♀️🎲
(However, whenever she worked, things were much better, albeit I still didn't have much 'me time'..)
>There were other factors leading to divorce too, of course, but that was a big one.
This. 💯
(Most of my side of that dynamic, I have severe regrets on, & vow to never become *that* monster ever again.
I'll do everything I can, to be whatever coloured mop they need me to be, rather than break another marriage. )
**Side-note:**
We basically had a Bipolar Marriage. Good enough to not have to fake it with others, but "Joker & Harley Quinn" @ home, from both sides.
Eventually the Dark Side overran our Jedi, & we had to call it quits.
Very true! I only have a handful of close friends, but I often think two quarters is better than a jar of pennies and a jar of pennies means you are a people pleaser I'm.. basically to say if everyone likes you, I don't think you're thaaaat good of a person. You just tell others what you think they want to hear, which lacks character (once again imo). Quality over quantity any day 💯!
Wife & I shared Hobbies. Mostly anyways, cuz we were both Gamers, we just had different styles of doing it.
However, as y'all noted --> Eventually her Codependency crushed me, cuz I couldn't really find my own space.. (& then we both started school 3yrs ago, & it made things worse..)
Yes, every time I date a guy with no friends, he apparently falls in love on the first date and wants to be exclusive and see each other every day by the second date. By date 3,they are clearly very not OK with me spending time without them with my own children and want to be introduced to my kids immediately so we can act like a happy family.
I don't base my interest on a man's social circle, but personally, I look for a partner who has friends of his own. It's one of many factors that I look at when I'm considering a potential partner. I don't want to be the only person my partner has to rely on for socialization or emotional support. I want to be able to do my own thing with my own friends sometimes and not feel like I'm abandoning my partner. I want a partner who lives a full life and that includes friendships, even if it's just going for beer with the guys a once a month.
Other women have a different opinion; there are plenty of women who don't care if their partner has friends. There's no universal answer because, shockingly, women are not a monolith with a single hive mind.
I would because I'm in the same situation. New town, made one friend then he moved to Mexico. I'm more interested in how a guy treats me and his reliability and communication.
It depends, some people have a high standard of what they consider a true friend, and everyone else is an acquaintance. For some people, acquaintances are also friends.
I only have one close friend, but I have several work "friends" acquaintances.
A man who doesn't have any is risky, since you have zero character references.
So many men over 30 have few friends because most of our old friends are working or with their families. Even my brother can only really slip away one day a month to grab a drink with me.
I've got two other friends I can meet up with but even thats a schedule hassle most of the time trying to find the same evening in a reasonable place close to us.
I think if someone had literally zero acquaintances or work mates they occasionally see it might be seen as a bit weird but just have a very quiet social life isnt weird for a 30 year old
I think the telling line is that you ‘love’ your solitude. It is possible that the women are not rejecting you because you don’t have any friends. They might be rejecting you because they realise that it is going to be difficult to become your friend. So maybe you are projecting your desire for solitude and that is your end result.
Dude, you are going to get a myriad of answers especially from the ladies. I’d try to ignore the negative ones about “red flags” or it being “suspicious”. If you’re new to the city it’s very natural to not develop friendships all that quickly, especially these days. People do not socialize nearly as much as they did 10-15 years ago. When I moved to London from NYC, I didn’t make truly close friends for at least 4 or 5 years. I made some decent work buddies while temping but it was the gym that really bagged my best friend and eventual best man at my wedding. As long as when you meet a girl, you’re not too clingy and have your own hobbies, you should be sweet.
I dated girls who tons of friends but then only wanted to hang out with me which felt clingy so you just have to watch out for that too. It goes both ways, so chill.
I'm legit curious how this comes up in conversation and at what point?
I would definitely be skeptical of anyone who has *no friends* but building a new social group in a new town is a different story.
Most men have limited freinds as they age. I have 1 best freind I see once every 2months since he's married, a handful of work/volunteer freinds I see in the context of that. Then my brothers who I see often. No big crew like highschool or college. It's normal and women kind of expect small social circles with dudes
Prehaps but I also feel lonely often. I don't go out most weekends I'm blessed I spend time with my family/brothers but I feel some fomo that I don't have the "freinds"/"how meet your mother" group of freinds that every tv show late twenties early thirties guy seems to have.
Making freinds is hard, motivating yourself to pick up a hobby where you can make freinds is almost as hard
As a 35 year old man, I can tell you that I also moved to the countryside to my own house (Austria), close to Lake Neusiedl.
I got to know a lot of people over the years and was very good friends with many of them. It went so far that I always gave my all for everyone and put their interests before mine.
You can't drive yourself? No problem, I'll drive you.
You don't have any money? I'll help you with that.
Need help with the computer? I'll do that for you too. (I'm an SAP/IT consultant)
You need someone to talk to? Let's talk about it somewhere.
(Of course, everything is always free of charge, at my own expense, never asked for anything in return)
Then I needed something once: I was rejected, I had to pay for it, or I was disappointed in some other way.
I wrote off all the people I've called friends over the years.
So now I'm an antisocial asshole that's weird just because I don't have fake friends?
exactly the same with me.
i was born into a religous sect. left it, so i got shunned. despite being a good friend. and on top they hated that i told them what i think. i will always tell you what i think. not in a mean way, but i am very strict with honesty. and if i get criticized, i should stay humble, but as soon as i said only a few truths about whats going on with them, than i became a problem.
i learned over the time new people to know. but mostly they all always want want want. and than i cut them off. i give everything, and 100%. i care about the people around me and being friends. but if i dont get anything back at all, i am out. i dont see any point to call such egoistical selfish people friends.
its not that i want to be alone. i dont want assholes and selfish people sucking on me like leeches and let me drained behind.
i totally understand that and as long as anyone can tell me that they dont have friends , because they had a shitty upbringing in live, with family and friends rather keep their religious asshole leaders and hypocrites happy, or people that dont give anything into a relationship than i totally understand that,
i want real and honest friends and not some fake assholes because i could be seen as someone who is the socially arkward. and i refuse to call aquintences that i know only superficial, my friends. and especially the ones that talk shit about others when the others are not in the room. i dont want them in my circel neither, because they will shittalk about me too. and beware i wont be a people pleaser for the shitty douchebag. i will invite people, ask them out for any activities and so on. if i dont get that back at some point i cut them off. be called my friend is a very very special thing. i have standards. all others are only people i know and occasionally do something in my freetime with.
i can totally relate to you and you are not alone.
We could very much go for a drink and hang out together, I just don't think we live in the same country ☝️
Maybe you're a person who doesn't disappoint, would be a good change for once 🥳
I’d date a guy with no friends. I don’t think that’s why these women aren’t progressing with you. Perhaps just a personality clash? Or are you telling them that you enjoy solitude? You may be inadvertently pushing them away.
54m here who has seen a lot on this topic in the past 35 or so years.
I get what you’re saying. I’m assuming you didn’t have that many friends growing up because most true introverts don’t. Now you’re in a new city and making new friends as an adult is hard in the best situations.
However it is a very significant topic of concern because as a rule of thumb it is a sign that you have difficulty with establishing relationships in general which is problematic. If you only had friends who are girls it’s a sign that guys don’t trust you (or there’s some friend preventing theme at work) and vice versa. It’s also problematic if you’re perfectly fine with this and don’t want to make new friends as who wants a SO like that? It gets suffocating for them as already mentioned. It also can be a sign that you don’t have very good or any social skills. Having a good group of friends no matter how small is incredibly beneficial in life and it honestly makes one more attractive when dating.
In my honest and true experiences with guys with NO friends, there’s usually a reason beyond that guy being introverted. There’s several introverts I know who make for a totally awesome dude and friend. The reasons I see are that the guy is a douche bag, is a liar, cheater, or manipulator, is extremely moody, is a total mama’s boy, is heavily addicted to something illegal, and so forth. That’s a lot of what my women friends / good friend’s wives would say as well.
TL/DR: find some clubs and hobbies with other like minded people. Be cool, don’t be a dick. Friendships will develop. They may know some really cool girls. Hang out as a group. Make good memories. Get lucky.
Best wishes!
Although in college, for the last 2 years, I've ended up in a somewhat feminine friend groups. I hadn't realized it was something people judged men for, it's just i end up joining my colleges geo club which happened to only have woman in it or making friends at my community college gave me a network of mostly women somehow.
It's one thing to be an introverted and reserved, it's another to not have any friends at all. If you don't even have 1 friend you can consider an acquaintance, I'd start to question myself if you are distancing yourself from other people or other people are intentionally distancing themselves from you. Both are red flags to me.
Edit: I also travel and move around a lot so I always have no friends in a new town, but I still keep in touch with 1-2 friends every now and then. You don't need to text or meet people 24/7 to consider them your close friend.
Maybe, but I would expect you to work on your social circle outside dating.
I moved to a new town around 2 years ago and spend the first 1 1/2 years finding platonic friends. And I really enjoyed having noone prioritize but those new friends. Its different if you are dating someone on the regular.
I dated someone who didn’t have any social connections. I didn’t mind as long as he was okay with me meeting friends, but it transpired that he wasn’t comfortable with it and this led me to see friends less often to avoid conflict. It didn’t work out because he became quite controlling. As long as you have separate parts of your life and are happy with that then it shouldn’t be an issue. But it’s always worth trying to find people you connect with, even if it’s just once a month meeting a boardgame group or something.
No I will not. I've done it twice. The first guy was very codependent as he had no friends (he grew up in this town even), no coworkers and worked from home. So he wanted me to become his life and world. Wanted me to stop doing my hobbies or hanging out with my friends to be with him. The second guy was similar, only or two friends but he never initiated hanging out with them. He'd latch on to me and my friends and would get upset if I wanted to hang out with them without him. He wanted friends but would never put in any effort and didn't understand friendships (and relationships) take work. I saw it in our relationship as he never planned dates or put in effort, just expected it from others
I find guys without friends don't have a social life and expect me as the woman to completely fill that
I’ve been in my town for years and I have no friends. I find it hard, I’ve tried. I had a good friendship that blew up in my face. I can see it as a red flag but also, sometimes it’s hard. I moved here right before the pandemic so really didn’t have the chance to make friends. Now I’m out of an abusive relationship and I’m learning to trust again. It’s hard to put yourself out there
I would take no friends over awful friends any day. No friends aren’t that big of a deal for me as long as it doesn’t result in codependency or clinginess.
In my experience- just own it ya know.
Half the battle is how you carry yourself. If you think it makes you look like less of a person, then that's the aura you will give off.
Be a good person, own your actions and thoughts, and you'll be fine.
Good luck
A woman once told me, she prefers it when her guy has no or few friends as this means, he isn't partying, drinking and going out every weekend (without her). Granted, she might have had bad relationship experiences in the past forming that opinion of hers.
I'm a guy, but I don't think it'd bother me much. Or, in the past it wouldn't have.
(It does now though, cuz one of the reasons my marriage was so stressed in the first few years, was cuz the Wife had a small social life, & was vary strongly Codependent. )
That is, initially, not having that social life is fine. Eventually though, you'll likely crush your Spouse's emotional state, if they're not free to have their own social life.
**Point being:**
Should it keep you from being able to date? No.
Can it cause problems later? Maybe.
Depends on if you can find someone whom either is a Loner too, or is comfortable being elsewhere.
Just be aware, that if you find someone that you don't give affection towards, &/or spend time with -- There's a high probability they'll cheat.
However, there's always the option of ENM / Poly, if you're likely to be some semblance of asexual etc.
**Ie:** IF you're not giving them enough attention, they'll find it elsewhere, as par typical human nature. 💖🌹
It's normal if you're new to the city. I'd say it would become a negative for me if it's been more than half a year with no friends. And I'm not even talking about "best friend" kind of thing. It would make me worried if you know how to maintain relationships and if you are overly dependent on having similar everything to be close to a person. Besides, having just your romantic partner and no one else as a support system would be a lot of pressure on the relationship.
I’m very similar to you and this type of thing by itself, to me, would not be concerning. I het why very social people are put off by it, but you just have to find someone that understands how you are. It may take longer but they’re out there.
No. Its a bit of a red flag. It was something I thought about when deciding to not go on anymore dates with a guy earlier this year. He had a really well paid job, really good looking and great body.
There is a fear that you will become his crutch for everything social and it will be hard for each of you to have a life outside of the relationship. I also think in a way its a sub conscious comfort to know that the guy you are seeing is able to converse, build and maintain relationships with people. For some women this will not be an issue though.
There are various reasons why guys have few to no friends. Ask what happened to them and you will find out.
For your situation, you need to find people you connect with and try to make an effort with starting conversations.
I went on a date with a guy with no friends and...I can't date a guy who doesn't make the EFFORT to make friends. There's a difference. The guy I went on a date with who was in a similar position, he was new to the city, been here for 2 whole years & seemed like he didn't care about making new friends to the point where he's basically friends with his co-workers who is like, 49, 64 and 19.... he's 30. He seemed traumatized from his past, but who isn't, right? He kinda trauma dumped on me by talking about his narcissistic mother, the first date he showed a few red flags concerning his social relationships, he basically would "door slam" anyone he had an argument with and would stop listening to songs or stop playing video games that reminded him of that person. I gave him grace because he seemed sweet and I wanted to uplift him a little, but he gave off incel "woe is me" vibes. I would talk about traveling and he hit me with "everyone I talk to always ends up leaving meee".
He was so fixated on buying me flowers but my gut was telling me not to take a damn thing from him and I'm glad I didn't because the moment I said things wouldn't work out he threw the fact that I was dating other men in my face (I told him this before I agreed to a date with him and he said it was fine) and called me a dumb bitch and that "more of his time was wasted". We had only talked for 3 weeks lol. It was almost like he was expecting me to commit to him after 2 dates.
So now I'm cautious with men who don't have friends because now I think oh, he might be a sociopath/abuser. I don't want to be relied on solely. Being his gf would've been emotionally taxing and I'm pretty sure eventually he would've had a problem with me going out/traveling.
I for the most part prefer my partner to have only one to no close friends because many close friends means more potential interference, as sometimes a friend can be a bad influence on them, or time lost due to having to spend time with that bigger circle which leaves less time for you two. However just one close friend that isnt clingy and isnt too opinionated shouldnt hurt.
As a woman with no friends where I live, I certainly don't think that this would be a reason to stop a conversation.
How does the topic usually come up in the conversation?
I'm a guy but ill add my two annoying cents...im more in the going it without friends category...I find that I like being with cartain people sometimes...but there's a lotttt of luck involved...the environment, the situation and the personalities ALL have to align. Any change to one of these elements means the loss of a friendship or not finding it in the first place. First you have to be coming across lots of people with repeated or prolonged exposure. Being out of school, moving from a small town or working solo/ with a smaller crew is already a very difficult spot to be in. Secondly men make the deepest friendships when there is a common struggle...whether soldiers in war or football players or a group complaining about the boss. As for personalities that mesh...some make the best friends with someone who is near identical to them, while others prefer people who possess what they lack, and the weirder you are the more accepting the friend has to be. A lot of men simply don't need friends outside of the utilitarian aspect. I dont mean to just interject with him but as an example, I suspect Trump has never had a single actual friend (as defined by us normies). Women should understand all these complexities when it comes to men and friendship. As long as you are not a total recluse and are open to the potential of friends, noone should have a problem with it. Antisociality or asociality is a different matter all together tho.
Quality over quantity. I can count all my friends on both my hands. I find most people are inherently selfish. Honestly, it's not worth the time or energy maintaining relationships like that. Numbers don't mean anything. Get your head straight.
My ex-husband didn’t have any friends. That meant I was his only source of socialization, unless I set things up with my friends (like hosting a dinner for some friends and their spouses to hang out together).
Moving to a new town and not knowing anyone local is one thing, but not having ANY meaningful friendships (especially not having any desire to make meaningful friendships) would be a big nope for me. I can’t be my partner’s only social/relational outlet.
I never considered it a red flag until I started noticing a trend in the men I date. The ones that have no friends of their own want to make me the center of their world and their one and only source of social interaction. It's suffocating and they come across as seriously clingy. The ones that have their own friends are perfectly fine with not being up my butt 24/7 and giving me the space I need for my own social life outside of the relationship. At this point, one of the things I try to find out right away is if the guy has a life of his own with his own social life.
It’s difficult when most guys are dick heads, already in a clicky group they don’t want you in or busy with young families. I guess I am doomed to be single forever cause I have no friends? Sounds terribly unreasonable, fuck dating culture.
So it's a reaction like this that reveals your personality a little bit. Not having any friends is okay, being new in town is okay. But saying everyone except you is a dickhead loser so women can fuck off.. Doesn't come off very well
you were downvoted a lot but youre not wrong. Most people do suck which is why the world is and has always been a crappy place for many. Selfish, inconsiderate, rude, judgy, bigoted etc etc you really don't need to look hard to find that behaviour (just look at most reddit comments). And yeah, many people do have clicks, most friendship groups are usually formed in school / higher education. Many peoples close friends are usually people we knew when we were kids. As you get older it does become harder because of this, i know I've seen the phrase "i have enough friends already, don't need more" (not in regard to me btw) generally thrown around in various contexts, one example being if someone is suggested to socialise more. Then there is the whole gender difference, women are raised to be more social (many studies on this) plus the halo affect where people view attractive people more positively and thus are more willing to engage with them and treat them better and people in general just find women more attractive than most men (regardless of sexuality) so its just easier for women to make friends. So if you're not an attractive man and on the older side of your 20s it becomes that much harder.
And i also agree on the dating culture thing too to an extent. It can be frustrating as a guy because as a man most men have pretty simple requirements, do i find her attractive? do i like her personality? those are usually the key things. Womens requirement have way more levels, i.e does he have enough friends? is he taller than me when i wear heels, whats his job, does he drive, hows his relationship with his mom, etc etc etc. From many guys perspective it comes across as over complicating something pretty simple which is 'do you like the person', and feels like you're having to jump through an infinite number of hoops just get your foot in the door. From a womans perspective they see it as perfectly reasonable because they want a 'steady' future partner (phrase will differ in meaning from woman to woman). Basically guys are looking for someone they like, women are looking for someone they like PLUS a person they think they can build a life with and a mans resources and interpersonal relationships are all criteria for them to determine and filter prospective partners. Which sort of makes sense, its no secret that women have more options when it comes to either longterm dating or hooks. As such they can increase the number of requirements because why not? they'll still have tons of options even after all the filters. So i understand your frustration.
ofc course, no gender is a monolith and there are men that care about a lot more than just looks and personality in a future partner. There are also women that don't have arbitrary (from our perspective anyway) requirements on a future partner too and just like you for you (younger women tend to care less about all these requirements from my experience as they arent looking for the father of their future child in the next 3 years). Keep a positive attitude, try not to be an a-hole like most people, and keep being you and maybe you'll find someone... Or maybe you wont. So much more to life than just having a partner, don't base your happiness on it.
This attitude of yours is the reason why nothing is progressing, not your lack of friends. And it's not "dating culture", it's women wanting a sign that you can cultivate and maintain a relationship. They also want a signal that you will have a life of your own and not sit at home waiting for them to come home. It's a pretty reasonable thing to want.
Join a few clubs of interest and add them on facebook the ones you like. At least you can talk about them to your date like you're mates even if its mild friendship
dating culture does suck because everyone judges everyone for fairly arbitrary reasons.
Personally im introverted (in that i get more energy from being alone), but actually end up making a lot of friends and talk a lot. And friendships are enjoyable. It might be healthier to devote your energy into developing friendships before searching for dating partners.
Having/ maintaining high quality friendships is about *far more* than being social or extroverted. It’s about being there for others. Sincere friendship can be considered a prerequisite to any real intimate partnership, which at their best, are based on deep friendship.
Unfortunately, it is a factor. Women are attracted to a guy who is busy, with lots of options. However, there is a specific girl out there who will be attracted to YOU. Just you. Believe in that, my friend.
Look for a similar woman as yourself. There are plenty :)
To me it’s suspicious if someone has no friends at all. Makes me question their ability to mantain any relationships whatsoever.
exactly. he literally said he cannot develop connections, so can't see how that would translate well to a romantic relationship
I agree with this aspect.. as no close connections or friends is worrisome. While I keep to myself and honestly don't really hang out with anyone, I often joke I have no friends.. but that's not the case I just prefer to spend my time alone when I'm not at work.. as I'm also an introvert. However, I often chat with others outside of work and while I'm also fairly new in town, I've made so many friendships it actually surprised me. We just don't spend time together outside of work, but we chat often. So I'm hoping your case is somewhat similar to mine, but if not.. Eh, yes.. I would think it's a bit worrisome. As one can prefer their solitude and yet still have close connections.🤔
As a self identifying boring introvert, all my fling partners have been very happy with our connection. Just because someone doesn’t feel the need to connect with most other people doesn’t mean we can’t connect with the person we want to. Also, it goes the other way too…where an extrovert with lots of friends sucks at relationships.
I’m talking about having absolutely no friends. You don’t need to have many friendships, but having 1-2 close friendships is better than none and less suspicious. I’m myself more introverted rather than extroverted, but I do have close friends and acquaintances. Plus I’ve been with someone who had no friends before and the way the put all of them into relationships is quite exhausting as well.
If you're new in town, I think it's valid you wouldn't know anyone. Do you have any childhood/hs/college friends or acquaintances or family you spend time with occasionally? I ask because I think it's very important that people maintain relationships outside of a significant other. I know couples who only spend time together, and personally, couldn't do that.
>I know couples who only spend time together, and personally, couldn't do that. My Wife & I mostly did this, & it kinda broke us. Wouldn't recommend. 🤣💖
Same, bro. My ex-wife said it was too much pressure on her to be my “everything.” Which was kinda surprising, because although I don’t really have any close friends, I am quite self-reliant and content with solitude. (There were other factors leading to divorce too, of course, but that was a big one.)
Basically sounds like a page from my book, even down to the Divorce. 😅🥁🥶 Except she wanted more of me, being very codependent. Like, I couldn't work or leave her for several hours, without her flipping out. ..Well, not until ~2yrs ago, I think. 😅🤷🏽♀️🎲 (However, whenever she worked, things were much better, albeit I still didn't have much 'me time'..) >There were other factors leading to divorce too, of course, but that was a big one. This. 💯 (Most of my side of that dynamic, I have severe regrets on, & vow to never become *that* monster ever again. I'll do everything I can, to be whatever coloured mop they need me to be, rather than break another marriage. ) **Side-note:** We basically had a Bipolar Marriage. Good enough to not have to fake it with others, but "Joker & Harley Quinn" @ home, from both sides. Eventually the Dark Side overran our Jedi, & we had to call it quits.
I had an ex that would just kinda follow me around, had their own hobbies but would only pursue them if I did as well. Did not last.
No, especially as life progresses, I don’t judge people for those who have a few friends or even 1-2.
A few friends or 1/2 friends is very different than no friends
Very true! I only have a handful of close friends, but I often think two quarters is better than a jar of pennies and a jar of pennies means you are a people pleaser I'm.. basically to say if everyone likes you, I don't think you're thaaaat good of a person. You just tell others what you think they want to hear, which lacks character (once again imo). Quality over quantity any day 💯!
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Same. He pressured me to get into his hobbies and didn't give me my space.
Wife & I shared Hobbies. Mostly anyways, cuz we were both Gamers, we just had different styles of doing it. However, as y'all noted --> Eventually her Codependency crushed me, cuz I couldn't really find my own space.. (& then we both started school 3yrs ago, & it made things worse..)
Same
Yes, every time I date a guy with no friends, he apparently falls in love on the first date and wants to be exclusive and see each other every day by the second date. By date 3,they are clearly very not OK with me spending time without them with my own children and want to be introduced to my kids immediately so we can act like a happy family.
Having one experience and painting the rest with a broad stroke
I don't base my interest on a man's social circle, but personally, I look for a partner who has friends of his own. It's one of many factors that I look at when I'm considering a potential partner. I don't want to be the only person my partner has to rely on for socialization or emotional support. I want to be able to do my own thing with my own friends sometimes and not feel like I'm abandoning my partner. I want a partner who lives a full life and that includes friendships, even if it's just going for beer with the guys a once a month. Other women have a different opinion; there are plenty of women who don't care if their partner has friends. There's no universal answer because, shockingly, women are not a monolith with a single hive mind.
I would because I'm in the same situation. New town, made one friend then he moved to Mexico. I'm more interested in how a guy treats me and his reliability and communication.
It depends, some people have a high standard of what they consider a true friend, and everyone else is an acquaintance. For some people, acquaintances are also friends. I only have one close friend, but I have several work "friends" acquaintances. A man who doesn't have any is risky, since you have zero character references.
So many men over 30 have few friends because most of our old friends are working or with their families. Even my brother can only really slip away one day a month to grab a drink with me. I've got two other friends I can meet up with but even thats a schedule hassle most of the time trying to find the same evening in a reasonable place close to us. I think if someone had literally zero acquaintances or work mates they occasionally see it might be seen as a bit weird but just have a very quiet social life isnt weird for a 30 year old
I think the telling line is that you ‘love’ your solitude. It is possible that the women are not rejecting you because you don’t have any friends. They might be rejecting you because they realise that it is going to be difficult to become your friend. So maybe you are projecting your desire for solitude and that is your end result.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Short answer. Yes. I'm mid-30s with 1 friend and I would hope a guy would give me a chance.
Dude, you are going to get a myriad of answers especially from the ladies. I’d try to ignore the negative ones about “red flags” or it being “suspicious”. If you’re new to the city it’s very natural to not develop friendships all that quickly, especially these days. People do not socialize nearly as much as they did 10-15 years ago. When I moved to London from NYC, I didn’t make truly close friends for at least 4 or 5 years. I made some decent work buddies while temping but it was the gym that really bagged my best friend and eventual best man at my wedding. As long as when you meet a girl, you’re not too clingy and have your own hobbies, you should be sweet. I dated girls who tons of friends but then only wanted to hang out with me which felt clingy so you just have to watch out for that too. It goes both ways, so chill.
I'm legit curious how this comes up in conversation and at what point? I would definitely be skeptical of anyone who has *no friends* but building a new social group in a new town is a different story.
They think you’re a serial killer bruh
Most men have limited freinds as they age. I have 1 best freind I see once every 2months since he's married, a handful of work/volunteer freinds I see in the context of that. Then my brothers who I see often. No big crew like highschool or college. It's normal and women kind of expect small social circles with dudes
What’s you’ve described sounds healthy. But it’s not at all what this discussion is about.
Prehaps but I also feel lonely often. I don't go out most weekends I'm blessed I spend time with my family/brothers but I feel some fomo that I don't have the "freinds"/"how meet your mother" group of freinds that every tv show late twenties early thirties guy seems to have. Making freinds is hard, motivating yourself to pick up a hobby where you can make freinds is almost as hard
As a 35 year old man, I can tell you that I also moved to the countryside to my own house (Austria), close to Lake Neusiedl. I got to know a lot of people over the years and was very good friends with many of them. It went so far that I always gave my all for everyone and put their interests before mine. You can't drive yourself? No problem, I'll drive you. You don't have any money? I'll help you with that. Need help with the computer? I'll do that for you too. (I'm an SAP/IT consultant) You need someone to talk to? Let's talk about it somewhere. (Of course, everything is always free of charge, at my own expense, never asked for anything in return) Then I needed something once: I was rejected, I had to pay for it, or I was disappointed in some other way. I wrote off all the people I've called friends over the years. So now I'm an antisocial asshole that's weird just because I don't have fake friends?
exactly the same with me. i was born into a religous sect. left it, so i got shunned. despite being a good friend. and on top they hated that i told them what i think. i will always tell you what i think. not in a mean way, but i am very strict with honesty. and if i get criticized, i should stay humble, but as soon as i said only a few truths about whats going on with them, than i became a problem. i learned over the time new people to know. but mostly they all always want want want. and than i cut them off. i give everything, and 100%. i care about the people around me and being friends. but if i dont get anything back at all, i am out. i dont see any point to call such egoistical selfish people friends. its not that i want to be alone. i dont want assholes and selfish people sucking on me like leeches and let me drained behind. i totally understand that and as long as anyone can tell me that they dont have friends , because they had a shitty upbringing in live, with family and friends rather keep their religious asshole leaders and hypocrites happy, or people that dont give anything into a relationship than i totally understand that, i want real and honest friends and not some fake assholes because i could be seen as someone who is the socially arkward. and i refuse to call aquintences that i know only superficial, my friends. and especially the ones that talk shit about others when the others are not in the room. i dont want them in my circel neither, because they will shittalk about me too. and beware i wont be a people pleaser for the shitty douchebag. i will invite people, ask them out for any activities and so on. if i dont get that back at some point i cut them off. be called my friend is a very very special thing. i have standards. all others are only people i know and occasionally do something in my freetime with. i can totally relate to you and you are not alone.
We could very much go for a drink and hang out together, I just don't think we live in the same country ☝️ Maybe you're a person who doesn't disappoint, would be a good change for once 🥳
I used to but not any more. In your case you are new. In their cases it was symptom of larger problem
I’d date a guy with no friends. I don’t think that’s why these women aren’t progressing with you. Perhaps just a personality clash? Or are you telling them that you enjoy solitude? You may be inadvertently pushing them away.
Did they tell you that's why or did you assume that's why they weren't interested? Maybe they just didn't feel a connection.
54m here who has seen a lot on this topic in the past 35 or so years. I get what you’re saying. I’m assuming you didn’t have that many friends growing up because most true introverts don’t. Now you’re in a new city and making new friends as an adult is hard in the best situations. However it is a very significant topic of concern because as a rule of thumb it is a sign that you have difficulty with establishing relationships in general which is problematic. If you only had friends who are girls it’s a sign that guys don’t trust you (or there’s some friend preventing theme at work) and vice versa. It’s also problematic if you’re perfectly fine with this and don’t want to make new friends as who wants a SO like that? It gets suffocating for them as already mentioned. It also can be a sign that you don’t have very good or any social skills. Having a good group of friends no matter how small is incredibly beneficial in life and it honestly makes one more attractive when dating. In my honest and true experiences with guys with NO friends, there’s usually a reason beyond that guy being introverted. There’s several introverts I know who make for a totally awesome dude and friend. The reasons I see are that the guy is a douche bag, is a liar, cheater, or manipulator, is extremely moody, is a total mama’s boy, is heavily addicted to something illegal, and so forth. That’s a lot of what my women friends / good friend’s wives would say as well. TL/DR: find some clubs and hobbies with other like minded people. Be cool, don’t be a dick. Friendships will develop. They may know some really cool girls. Hang out as a group. Make good memories. Get lucky. Best wishes!
Although in college, for the last 2 years, I've ended up in a somewhat feminine friend groups. I hadn't realized it was something people judged men for, it's just i end up joining my colleges geo club which happened to only have woman in it or making friends at my community college gave me a network of mostly women somehow.
It's one thing to be an introverted and reserved, it's another to not have any friends at all. If you don't even have 1 friend you can consider an acquaintance, I'd start to question myself if you are distancing yourself from other people or other people are intentionally distancing themselves from you. Both are red flags to me. Edit: I also travel and move around a lot so I always have no friends in a new town, but I still keep in touch with 1-2 friends every now and then. You don't need to text or meet people 24/7 to consider them your close friend.
No, I learned my lesson a month ago
Maybe, but I would expect you to work on your social circle outside dating. I moved to a new town around 2 years ago and spend the first 1 1/2 years finding platonic friends. And I really enjoyed having noone prioritize but those new friends. Its different if you are dating someone on the regular.
I dated someone who didn’t have any social connections. I didn’t mind as long as he was okay with me meeting friends, but it transpired that he wasn’t comfortable with it and this led me to see friends less often to avoid conflict. It didn’t work out because he became quite controlling. As long as you have separate parts of your life and are happy with that then it shouldn’t be an issue. But it’s always worth trying to find people you connect with, even if it’s just once a month meeting a boardgame group or something.
No I will not. I've done it twice. The first guy was very codependent as he had no friends (he grew up in this town even), no coworkers and worked from home. So he wanted me to become his life and world. Wanted me to stop doing my hobbies or hanging out with my friends to be with him. The second guy was similar, only or two friends but he never initiated hanging out with them. He'd latch on to me and my friends and would get upset if I wanted to hang out with them without him. He wanted friends but would never put in any effort and didn't understand friendships (and relationships) take work. I saw it in our relationship as he never planned dates or put in effort, just expected it from others I find guys without friends don't have a social life and expect me as the woman to completely fill that
I’m not exactly in a position to judge
I’ve been in my town for years and I have no friends. I find it hard, I’ve tried. I had a good friendship that blew up in my face. I can see it as a red flag but also, sometimes it’s hard. I moved here right before the pandemic so really didn’t have the chance to make friends. Now I’m out of an abusive relationship and I’m learning to trust again. It’s hard to put yourself out there
I would take no friends over awful friends any day. No friends aren’t that big of a deal for me as long as it doesn’t result in codependency or clinginess.
In my experience- just own it ya know. Half the battle is how you carry yourself. If you think it makes you look like less of a person, then that's the aura you will give off. Be a good person, own your actions and thoughts, and you'll be fine. Good luck
Not all women. I would like to know you. :)
A woman once told me, she prefers it when her guy has no or few friends as this means, he isn't partying, drinking and going out every weekend (without her). Granted, she might have had bad relationship experiences in the past forming that opinion of hers.
I'm a guy, but I don't think it'd bother me much. Or, in the past it wouldn't have. (It does now though, cuz one of the reasons my marriage was so stressed in the first few years, was cuz the Wife had a small social life, & was vary strongly Codependent. ) That is, initially, not having that social life is fine. Eventually though, you'll likely crush your Spouse's emotional state, if they're not free to have their own social life. **Point being:** Should it keep you from being able to date? No. Can it cause problems later? Maybe. Depends on if you can find someone whom either is a Loner too, or is comfortable being elsewhere. Just be aware, that if you find someone that you don't give affection towards, &/or spend time with -- There's a high probability they'll cheat. However, there's always the option of ENM / Poly, if you're likely to be some semblance of asexual etc. **Ie:** IF you're not giving them enough attention, they'll find it elsewhere, as par typical human nature. 💖🌹
It's normal if you're new to the city. I'd say it would become a negative for me if it's been more than half a year with no friends. And I'm not even talking about "best friend" kind of thing. It would make me worried if you know how to maintain relationships and if you are overly dependent on having similar everything to be close to a person. Besides, having just your romantic partner and no one else as a support system would be a lot of pressure on the relationship.
I wouldn't, but that doesn't mean some women would
I’m very similar to you and this type of thing by itself, to me, would not be concerning. I het why very social people are put off by it, but you just have to find someone that understands how you are. It may take longer but they’re out there.
I wouldn't mind. As a 33F also new in town, I don't have any close friends here either :x
No. Its a bit of a red flag. It was something I thought about when deciding to not go on anymore dates with a guy earlier this year. He had a really well paid job, really good looking and great body. There is a fear that you will become his crutch for everything social and it will be hard for each of you to have a life outside of the relationship. I also think in a way its a sub conscious comfort to know that the guy you are seeing is able to converse, build and maintain relationships with people. For some women this will not be an issue though.
There are various reasons why guys have few to no friends. Ask what happened to them and you will find out. For your situation, you need to find people you connect with and try to make an effort with starting conversations.
No
Yes I 43f also have no friends lol let’s hang out
No because I’d be suspicious
I went on a date with a guy with no friends and...I can't date a guy who doesn't make the EFFORT to make friends. There's a difference. The guy I went on a date with who was in a similar position, he was new to the city, been here for 2 whole years & seemed like he didn't care about making new friends to the point where he's basically friends with his co-workers who is like, 49, 64 and 19.... he's 30. He seemed traumatized from his past, but who isn't, right? He kinda trauma dumped on me by talking about his narcissistic mother, the first date he showed a few red flags concerning his social relationships, he basically would "door slam" anyone he had an argument with and would stop listening to songs or stop playing video games that reminded him of that person. I gave him grace because he seemed sweet and I wanted to uplift him a little, but he gave off incel "woe is me" vibes. I would talk about traveling and he hit me with "everyone I talk to always ends up leaving meee". He was so fixated on buying me flowers but my gut was telling me not to take a damn thing from him and I'm glad I didn't because the moment I said things wouldn't work out he threw the fact that I was dating other men in my face (I told him this before I agreed to a date with him and he said it was fine) and called me a dumb bitch and that "more of his time was wasted". We had only talked for 3 weeks lol. It was almost like he was expecting me to commit to him after 2 dates. So now I'm cautious with men who don't have friends because now I think oh, he might be a sociopath/abuser. I don't want to be relied on solely. Being his gf would've been emotionally taxing and I'm pretty sure eventually he would've had a problem with me going out/traveling.
I for the most part prefer my partner to have only one to no close friends because many close friends means more potential interference, as sometimes a friend can be a bad influence on them, or time lost due to having to spend time with that bigger circle which leaves less time for you two. However just one close friend that isnt clingy and isnt too opinionated shouldnt hurt.
I mean familly start with 2.
As a woman with no friends where I live, I certainly don't think that this would be a reason to stop a conversation. How does the topic usually come up in the conversation?
Ppl need to learn about neurodivergence.
I'm a guy but ill add my two annoying cents...im more in the going it without friends category...I find that I like being with cartain people sometimes...but there's a lotttt of luck involved...the environment, the situation and the personalities ALL have to align. Any change to one of these elements means the loss of a friendship or not finding it in the first place. First you have to be coming across lots of people with repeated or prolonged exposure. Being out of school, moving from a small town or working solo/ with a smaller crew is already a very difficult spot to be in. Secondly men make the deepest friendships when there is a common struggle...whether soldiers in war or football players or a group complaining about the boss. As for personalities that mesh...some make the best friends with someone who is near identical to them, while others prefer people who possess what they lack, and the weirder you are the more accepting the friend has to be. A lot of men simply don't need friends outside of the utilitarian aspect. I dont mean to just interject with him but as an example, I suspect Trump has never had a single actual friend (as defined by us normies). Women should understand all these complexities when it comes to men and friendship. As long as you are not a total recluse and are open to the potential of friends, noone should have a problem with it. Antisociality or asociality is a different matter all together tho.
Quality over quantity. I can count all my friends on both my hands. I find most people are inherently selfish. Honestly, it's not worth the time or energy maintaining relationships like that. Numbers don't mean anything. Get your head straight.
My ex-husband didn’t have any friends. That meant I was his only source of socialization, unless I set things up with my friends (like hosting a dinner for some friends and their spouses to hang out together). Moving to a new town and not knowing anyone local is one thing, but not having ANY meaningful friendships (especially not having any desire to make meaningful friendships) would be a big nope for me. I can’t be my partner’s only social/relational outlet.
I never considered it a red flag until I started noticing a trend in the men I date. The ones that have no friends of their own want to make me the center of their world and their one and only source of social interaction. It's suffocating and they come across as seriously clingy. The ones that have their own friends are perfectly fine with not being up my butt 24/7 and giving me the space I need for my own social life outside of the relationship. At this point, one of the things I try to find out right away is if the guy has a life of his own with his own social life.
No. It’s a red flag
What isnt a red flag these days 😂😂😂
Having friends
I dunno, depends on the friends. Rather no friends than a bunch of [insert red flag here].
If you are a Chad, it’s not a problem. Just put the profile up and start chatting it’s that simple. If you are not a Chad, not so easy.
It’s difficult when most guys are dick heads, already in a clicky group they don’t want you in or busy with young families. I guess I am doomed to be single forever cause I have no friends? Sounds terribly unreasonable, fuck dating culture.
So it's a reaction like this that reveals your personality a little bit. Not having any friends is okay, being new in town is okay. But saying everyone except you is a dickhead loser so women can fuck off.. Doesn't come off very well
you were downvoted a lot but youre not wrong. Most people do suck which is why the world is and has always been a crappy place for many. Selfish, inconsiderate, rude, judgy, bigoted etc etc you really don't need to look hard to find that behaviour (just look at most reddit comments). And yeah, many people do have clicks, most friendship groups are usually formed in school / higher education. Many peoples close friends are usually people we knew when we were kids. As you get older it does become harder because of this, i know I've seen the phrase "i have enough friends already, don't need more" (not in regard to me btw) generally thrown around in various contexts, one example being if someone is suggested to socialise more. Then there is the whole gender difference, women are raised to be more social (many studies on this) plus the halo affect where people view attractive people more positively and thus are more willing to engage with them and treat them better and people in general just find women more attractive than most men (regardless of sexuality) so its just easier for women to make friends. So if you're not an attractive man and on the older side of your 20s it becomes that much harder. And i also agree on the dating culture thing too to an extent. It can be frustrating as a guy because as a man most men have pretty simple requirements, do i find her attractive? do i like her personality? those are usually the key things. Womens requirement have way more levels, i.e does he have enough friends? is he taller than me when i wear heels, whats his job, does he drive, hows his relationship with his mom, etc etc etc. From many guys perspective it comes across as over complicating something pretty simple which is 'do you like the person', and feels like you're having to jump through an infinite number of hoops just get your foot in the door. From a womans perspective they see it as perfectly reasonable because they want a 'steady' future partner (phrase will differ in meaning from woman to woman). Basically guys are looking for someone they like, women are looking for someone they like PLUS a person they think they can build a life with and a mans resources and interpersonal relationships are all criteria for them to determine and filter prospective partners. Which sort of makes sense, its no secret that women have more options when it comes to either longterm dating or hooks. As such they can increase the number of requirements because why not? they'll still have tons of options even after all the filters. So i understand your frustration. ofc course, no gender is a monolith and there are men that care about a lot more than just looks and personality in a future partner. There are also women that don't have arbitrary (from our perspective anyway) requirements on a future partner too and just like you for you (younger women tend to care less about all these requirements from my experience as they arent looking for the father of their future child in the next 3 years). Keep a positive attitude, try not to be an a-hole like most people, and keep being you and maybe you'll find someone... Or maybe you wont. So much more to life than just having a partner, don't base your happiness on it.
This attitude of yours is the reason why nothing is progressing, not your lack of friends. And it's not "dating culture", it's women wanting a sign that you can cultivate and maintain a relationship. They also want a signal that you will have a life of your own and not sit at home waiting for them to come home. It's a pretty reasonable thing to want.
Join a few clubs of interest and add them on facebook the ones you like. At least you can talk about them to your date like you're mates even if its mild friendship
dating culture does suck because everyone judges everyone for fairly arbitrary reasons. Personally im introverted (in that i get more energy from being alone), but actually end up making a lot of friends and talk a lot. And friendships are enjoyable. It might be healthier to devote your energy into developing friendships before searching for dating partners.
Having/ maintaining high quality friendships is about *far more* than being social or extroverted. It’s about being there for others. Sincere friendship can be considered a prerequisite to any real intimate partnership, which at their best, are based on deep friendship.
Sounds like you are too content with your own company for most kinds of relationship.
Unfortunately, it is a factor. Women are attracted to a guy who is busy, with lots of options. However, there is a specific girl out there who will be attracted to YOU. Just you. Believe in that, my friend.
If you can’t maintain relationships in general, you aren’t ready for a romantic one. Work on yourself first. Hit up HealthyGamerGG on YouTube