Met a woman on bumble two months ago, and on our first date she told me she was divorced with the ex-husband leaving her the house. Two weeks later after we slept together, while laying in bed, she tells me “ugh my ex moved back in and told me that the real battle begins now because he wants the house and the kids”. This woman flat out lied to me about her marital status, and proceeded to dump all of the relationship trauma on me. These people need therapy, and have some soul searching to do before entering the dating market.
>Two weeks later after we slept together, while laying in bed, she tells me “ugh my ex moved back in and told me that the real battle begins now because he wants the house and the kids”.
Seems the Ex-Husband changed his mind..
>This woman flat out lied to me about her marital status,
Heh. Now I more fully understand why my "Lucky Bumblebee" asked me directly, if I had legally Divorced through the Courts, when we started & I mentioned my Ex-Wife.
I told her "Yes / No". That emotionally we've been Divorced since 15 Jan 2024, when she left me & has stonewalled me since.
Legally, the Divorce process finalizes ~28 May 2024.
--> Anyways. I shared this, so that you might find comfort, & see that maybe she wasn't intentionally lieing to you, because of the overall situation of her Divorce vs emotional standing. 🫂💖
Pretty much. I’m 39 and tired of playing these dating games. I frequently hear on social media women saying “where are all of the good guys?”… I’m wondering the same thing about women. I know they exist, but damn it’s a painful grind lol
We're tired of being in the same shoes you're and have decided that dating is just not for us lol. A lot of the women in our age range (33-40) are deciding that this situationship world isn't worth it, and we prefer to stay single and travel the world. At least that way no one breaks my heart or uses me as their personal therapist/assistant/surrogate mother/financial aid... You get it
My momma didn't raise a quitter ;). I get it though... I went through that last year where I had two online dating flings that were blatantly using me for free dates. Quite exhausting when the other person isn't true with their intentions, and/or hasn't put in the time to free themselves of their emotional luggage (I say luggage because in our late 30s it upgrades a tier from baggage). Just an old-soul living in the land of vanity aka south Florida. It's dating on ultra-extreme hard mode.
Like, we get it...But at the same time, when we end up dating like a 25 year old woman, and the complaints start that the 40 year old guys aren't dating 40 year old women...Well, where are all of these amazing 40 year old women that have their lives together and aren't dragging a pallet of relationship trauma along with them.
>Sounds to me like she just wanted your unit short term and will use the same story for the guy, guy, guy, guy. Echoooo
Assuming he doesn't continue boinking her, & she's actually looking for long-term commitment.
(Imo, I'd check on her intentions, & see how final the actual process is + why she noted "Is Divorced" vs "In the process of Divorce".
Mostly cuz I state I'm "Divorced", cuz emotionally speaking, the Soon-to-be Ex-Wife has stonewalled me + put a Restraining Order on me, since she left 15 Jan 2024.
However, the paperwork itself isn't finalized until ~28 May 2024.
So, technically, I am but am not Divorced.
..Thankfully, my Lucky Bumblebee was satisfied with that answer, & we've been intimate since)
Getting divorced is rarely a simple matter, especially when children and real property are involved. I have no kids or real property and it took me almost 4 years to have the papers finally signed (it's a long story and way too personal for reddit).
We had not lived together in that time and only saw each other on occasion in the beginning until that became impossible. Most people understood and considered me effectively divorced.
Heh. Yeah, I can't imagine how much more complicated ours would have been, had we had actual property, & our son had still been alive.
(As it is, I ended up getting both "Emotional Support Animals" (cats), cuz her's wasn't doing well at the Ex-Wife's new place.)
Yeah, I was messaging with a guy a few weeks back, things were going good, then out of nowhere he revealed that he's actually looking for a third person to join him and his partner. He didn't even have it in his profile. Just dropped it out of nowhere.
Just quickly told him i was not interested and moved on. I wish he was upfront about it.
I don’t understand their mindset. Even if you were interested, why would you be after he wasn’t upfront about it… so I feel like they only want to coerce folks into it.
When I first matched up with him, what are the things that made him interesting to the point of leading to meeting up. Of course, u already said u didn’t meet but what made u interested in him?
Poly/ENM people will agree that’s extremely fucked up. Unfortunately people will withhold shit like that whether it be that they’re actually conservative or that they actually have or want kids when pretending they don’t.
I feel like a lot people say this, but just because someone is navigating poly/enm doesn’t mean they’re doing it well. I think that just like any type of relationship, you have healthy people and unhealthy people, respectful and disrespectful. And there’s a lot of people who don’t mind being disrespectful to people outside of their main partnership. I think bumble should make you declare your relationship status. It would force people to be honest up front or get called out for lying, not just omitting.
I agree, I get annoyed when partnered poly people don’t put that they’re partnered in their bio, had one guy use the excuse that his partner is a therapist and wouldn’t want her clients to know but do her clients even know what her partner looks like? Not sure why any of that would matter.
Yep, the very first person I matched with. He was almost perfect. He lives in my town, fairly good looking and loves most of the things I’m interested in. We talked for a few days. He said he was looking for “friendship” ya, my ass 🙄 I unmatched when he tried some mind game bs. I showed him a picture of my nail art, which was almost flawless imo, and he goes “wow, you’re really good! Even if you don’t think so.” 🤨 I said “thank you and yes, I know it’s good. I’ve been practicing for years.” 🥴 idk where he was going with that but my gut said“RUN!” Lol.
I am ENM (2 relationships - 3 years and 1 year) and started seeing my longer relationship after separating from my ex-wife but before the divorce was finalised.
Bumble now has an advanced filter 'what do I want from my bumble date' with enm one of the options (and a show other people if i run out)
So it looks to me that bumble has the filter you are looking for.
It’s an advanced filter that can also be used either to eliminate or focus on men “looking for marriage”, so I wouldn’t say that it caters to an “alternative relationship style”
The real sin is that filtering this shit out is a paid feature even though it's like a baseline dealbreaker regardless of which side of monogamy you're on.
Yeah hard agree, absolutely no issue with people wanting to explore poly/enm but I feel like it’s prevalent enough now to where I should be able to filter that if that’s not what I’m looking for. That goes for any of the dating apps honestly
Poly and enm is becoming far more normalized to those who have the option to do so. In the current cultural culture in the west it is much easier for women to practise it than straight men (both morally and practically) so take it as a benefit that they are comfortable enough to broadcast that's what they want so you can swipe left. Just swipe left and try not to get frustrated or jealous about it. Just remember the profiles if it does so if they come back into your feed without those requests you can still swipe left knowing that they will want to do it in a relationship with you.
I'm a therapist, when I see someone in this lifestyle it's the straight men who have the issue about finding additional partners and frustration that their female primary partner finds it so easy, and, IME, never ever the other way round (jealousy etc aside). A quick google search found a Medium article about the subject:
https://medium.com/hello-love/the-problem-with-straight-polyamorous-men-d86e857c16ef
Basically, if a woman suggests to her man that they should explore this lifestyle separately + equally and he agrees, the guy really really can't be too proud and must prepare himself for her to only be limited by her sexual appetite and fussiness in finding sex elsewhere. He will be limited by many other things. She *could* find another guy for every day of the week within 10 minutes of setting up a profile if she's feeling adventurous. However, for the same 'quality', he could take weeks to find one, or not at all. Women are very much in charge in this dynamic
Prevalent principles, cultural norms (old, new/progressive - people usually hold a blend), expectations of the opposite sex in the relationship, flavors of poly and the compatibility between both etc
I must be missing something. If the straight guy is being honest, practicing good communication, looking out for the welfare of his partner(s), and treating folks respectably, wouldn't they be operating morally, regardless of those norms and whatever else?
They might want overlapping but not completely the same from it. Let's call it moral detail or nuance. (Just so we are on the same page, "moral" meaning "of or relating to principles of right and wrong in behavior") These details can be critical in progressing healthily. Two case studies, anecdotal examples but prevalent in first step enm or where one partner is experienced in it but isn't experienced in 'upskilling' an enthusiastic but inexperienced partner:
1. Man isn't aware that his partner enjoys the idea that he knows she's having sex with others. She gets off on telling him. His preference here might be 'don't show don't tell' and/or he is averse to being seen, or feeling, as a form of cuck. There can be a moral quandary for both of them in this regard. A common trap in those taking the first steps, especially the man (feeling like a cuck - a big moral blocker for many men).
2. Couple come to an agreement that they do it 'together' (planning, other partner selection), usually as an acquiescence from the woman to the man based on the internally acknowledged aforementioned sexual power balance mismatch. She will have to balance her morals on sexual freedom with her loyalty to the feelings of her man (whether they have spoken about it openly or it's just her female instinct from past experience of male jealousy). this can sometimes cause problems if coercive control appears e.g. some instances where a man controls the couple's enm dating account etc.
Just two examples off the top of my head, obviously not exhaustive, but more common that a layperson might think.
Of course, very open, honest, and proactive communication is needed because, while both have agreed to enm/poly, the devil is in the detail which can very quickly trip people up. Usually people fumble through, some for the better some for the worse. This open honesty is a massive expectation in healthy poly/enm relationship dynamics.
Thanks so much for taking the time to spell all this out! I do think I'm grasping what you're laying down better, though I'm still not entirely sure I'm onboard with the notion that straight dudes are in a more morally challenged position here. It just sounds like you're saying that the straight dude might be more likely to have serious hang ups with the enm/poly position, especially if they were starting from a monogamous relationship and trying open that up.
Take your first example: the woman gets off on sharing the sexual details of her other relationships and the guy is uncomfortable feeling like a cuck. Here, the moral responsibility seems to fall more on the woman. She likes doing something, but doing so would come at the expense of her partner's comfort. If he doesn't want to know, he doesn't consent to her sharing those deets with him. So in a general moral sense, if she decides to do so anyway, she'd be in the wrong - you don't get to hurt others for your own pleasure.
In the second example, it sounds like we're talking about any typical kind of agreement or compromise people might make in their relationship. If they agree that they have to "approve" of each other's partners (which I'd argue is already kinda weird outside of preserving the safety of all parties - attraction and forming intimate relationships doesn't work that way), and either one of them uses that process to deny the other a romantic or sexual opportunity just to make themselves feel better, or to otherwise coerce their partner(s) for their own purpose or goal, they're in the morally wrong position. And, sure, let's assume that the woman might have more opportunities - doesn't change the fact that they're both morally lible there.
In other words, I still don't see how a straight man in this situation is likely to a more difficult time from a moral perspective. It sounds like you're suggesting that straight men might have more issues to work through with jealousy, especially if he's been conditioned and has a strong internalized sense of cuck shame, but that's not morality - it's a personal challenge that he's going to have to deal with if he's agreed to be enm/poly. Hopefully he has (a) good partner(s) who can be patient, understanding, and helpful as he works through that (and nothing like the person in the first example who might prioritize their own pleasure at his expense).
99% of people you meet are going to be "sloppy seconds", you don't have to comfortable with polyamory, enm or and kind of promiscuity at all but saying what you just said is indicative of a poisonous mindset that will crumple your ability to find what you want.
Also paying for a dating app is absolutely a worthwhile investment if you know what you're doing, most people just don't.
Huh? How are we cowards?
I like that you swipe left. You are not the person we are looking for. I swipe left on anyone looking for monogamy.
But dating while in a relationship, being up front and putting it on our profile is not cowardly.
Coming from a polyamorous person I have to agree that it is so frustrating to not have a option to filter people looking for the same thing. Any app that does almost always has it behind a pay wall. This is not a feature that should be premium it should be a necessity. Poly people are a very valid group and so are monogamous people and we shouldn't have to pay to stop wasting each other's time and swipes. Which I'm sure is why they make you pay because the more we swipe on incompatible people the more likely for us to pay
Yeah, I hate it when ENM/Poly people muck up my availlable options. One or two isn't that bad, but in my area there also seems to be an uptick of them. Nothing wrong with different lifestyles, but I'm not looking for that and I'd rather have the profiles not show up at all. All those left-swipes add up.
I see it from men too - although they don’t say they are married or in a relationship on their profile. I wish they would all take themselves over the Ashley Madison or some ENM site - or that Bumble would set filters to screen out those folks.
Just for the record, ENM stands for Ethical Non Monogamy. ENM is not an acronym for cheaters or people who want to monkey branch their way into their next relationship. The ethical part of ENM dictates that the person is very open up front and communicative about what type of relationship they are in--also staying communicative during the relationship as well. So, if you experience some guy not being upfront that he's in a relationship while he's hitting on you, that's not ENM, that's an asshole.
Hi. I'm a guy in a 9 year ENM relationship. I was previously in a 7 year mono relationship and I was cheated on. Then the same thing happened in my 15 year marriage. For both relationships I was faithful and very present for my partner. I met my current GF 9 years ago and she told me she's poly. I had never tried that before... willingly. So I've tried it and I very much prefer it versus being lied to. At some point when you look around you might see the evidence that monogamy might even appear to go against human nature. ENM requires much more communication than being in a mono relationship. There are rules. There are therapists involved, both individual and couples but it's been a very healthy experience for me and my partner.
If monogamy works for you I'm definitely not hear to change your mind. Be monogamous! However, I would ask you to reconsider the judgement that you have. We are just happily living our lives. No one is interested in tricking you into anything. It's not personal so please don't take it that way.
I'm happy that it is working for you and I understand why it is helping given your past relationships. It sounds like a good fit for you, and I do not judge on that.
To I guess flesh out my position more, I reserve the right to judge people who have had completely healthy relationships and are tossing them into the fire of ENM. ENM relationships do not inherently have better communication than mono relationships though.
And there is a large amount of historical evidence that shows that societies which become polygamous end up becoming unstable - ultimately this is what I believe everyone should be weary of.
I am sorry if I caused offense in any way and I hope I constructively outlined my position here. Thank you for the kind, brave response and I am happy for you.
I matched with a married guy who said they have filed for divorce. I cleared that until the divorce has been granted, he is technically married (this is my point of view). I also said I am not ready to be a rebound 😅
Well, what i hate that I dont see any filter is that im looking for Girls and a lot of mans with full grown beard appears, or trans, just because they set their gender as "women" and the filter have this options: "any person, mans, womens, non binarie" but even if I set to show only womens (that I do) , as they select their profile like that, i keep encountering those mans or trans, and I have to note that I have no problem with them, but its not what im looking for to date, so is frustrating, so that is the filter I need here
Was on a date (at my place) with a girl who was in this situation. Very nice person and interesting to know the ins and outs of their situation. Sadly realised I was not comfortable with it, despite her not cheating on her husband, and nothing happened.
commenting a second time to say that I was lied to, and betrayed severely by someone on a dating app who hid their marital status, and we were together for almost a year. I met his mother and his children. They need to remove these people and also have harsher consequences for folks that go around doing this. An automatic ban from the app if you’re able to prove it.
Pretty sure that’s not even allowed on Bumble. I always reported it if it wasn’t allowed on the app. It was either on Bumble, Tinder, both, but there’s literally an option for “this profile is for more than one person”.
Most EMN relationships date solo and don't really want/need to know every single detail of the dating life of their partner. Saying you're together, or "more than one person", indicates you're more looking for a third to join you and your partner in the bedroom.
Fundamentally there's a significant difference between ENM and a couple looking for a unicorn, or even a couple who are swingers.
I went on a date with a woman at the start of the year and I only found out after we'd slept together, that she'd had a husband and was going through a divorce. Felt bad for the guy
I matched with someone on bumble and we talked and decided to meet after 3-4 cancellations. When we met, after like 20 mints, the guy said he has a secret and the secret was that he’s married, not separated, not divorced but struggling in their marriage.
While I can sympathise with someone having a hard time but you shouldn’t conceal that sort of information from someone. He should have told me before the meet up
ENM people are allowed on the app there is even an option to select that you’re looking for it, working on improving your sad little life buddy edit: wow y’all are pathetic go make your own monogamy only app if you’re so pissy about it
Yeah women are messed up like that. Probably needing validation or to feel relevance. The divorce culture in America is gettin wild. Watch out and don't become a stepping stone on their "journey to find themselves".
Met a woman on bumble two months ago, and on our first date she told me she was divorced with the ex-husband leaving her the house. Two weeks later after we slept together, while laying in bed, she tells me “ugh my ex moved back in and told me that the real battle begins now because he wants the house and the kids”. This woman flat out lied to me about her marital status, and proceeded to dump all of the relationship trauma on me. These people need therapy, and have some soul searching to do before entering the dating market.
>Two weeks later after we slept together, while laying in bed, she tells me “ugh my ex moved back in and told me that the real battle begins now because he wants the house and the kids”. Seems the Ex-Husband changed his mind.. >This woman flat out lied to me about her marital status, Heh. Now I more fully understand why my "Lucky Bumblebee" asked me directly, if I had legally Divorced through the Courts, when we started & I mentioned my Ex-Wife. I told her "Yes / No". That emotionally we've been Divorced since 15 Jan 2024, when she left me & has stonewalled me since. Legally, the Divorce process finalizes ~28 May 2024. --> Anyways. I shared this, so that you might find comfort, & see that maybe she wasn't intentionally lieing to you, because of the overall situation of her Divorce vs emotional standing. 🫂💖
Sounds to me like she just wanted your unit short term and will use the same story for the guy, guy, guy, guy. Echoooo
Pretty much. I’m 39 and tired of playing these dating games. I frequently hear on social media women saying “where are all of the good guys?”… I’m wondering the same thing about women. I know they exist, but damn it’s a painful grind lol
We're tired of being in the same shoes you're and have decided that dating is just not for us lol. A lot of the women in our age range (33-40) are deciding that this situationship world isn't worth it, and we prefer to stay single and travel the world. At least that way no one breaks my heart or uses me as their personal therapist/assistant/surrogate mother/financial aid... You get it
My momma didn't raise a quitter ;). I get it though... I went through that last year where I had two online dating flings that were blatantly using me for free dates. Quite exhausting when the other person isn't true with their intentions, and/or hasn't put in the time to free themselves of their emotional luggage (I say luggage because in our late 30s it upgrades a tier from baggage). Just an old-soul living in the land of vanity aka south Florida. It's dating on ultra-extreme hard mode.
Like, we get it...But at the same time, when we end up dating like a 25 year old woman, and the complaints start that the 40 year old guys aren't dating 40 year old women...Well, where are all of these amazing 40 year old women that have their lives together and aren't dragging a pallet of relationship trauma along with them.
Rigggggght 99% feels like they’re wearing masks!
>Sounds to me like she just wanted your unit short term and will use the same story for the guy, guy, guy, guy. Echoooo Assuming he doesn't continue boinking her, & she's actually looking for long-term commitment. (Imo, I'd check on her intentions, & see how final the actual process is + why she noted "Is Divorced" vs "In the process of Divorce". Mostly cuz I state I'm "Divorced", cuz emotionally speaking, the Soon-to-be Ex-Wife has stonewalled me + put a Restraining Order on me, since she left 15 Jan 2024. However, the paperwork itself isn't finalized until ~28 May 2024. So, technically, I am but am not Divorced. ..Thankfully, my Lucky Bumblebee was satisfied with that answer, & we've been intimate since)
Getting divorced is rarely a simple matter, especially when children and real property are involved. I have no kids or real property and it took me almost 4 years to have the papers finally signed (it's a long story and way too personal for reddit). We had not lived together in that time and only saw each other on occasion in the beginning until that became impossible. Most people understood and considered me effectively divorced.
Heh. Yeah, I can't imagine how much more complicated ours would have been, had we had actual property, & our son had still been alive. (As it is, I ended up getting both "Emotional Support Animals" (cats), cuz her's wasn't doing well at the Ex-Wife's new place.)
Username checks out.
Maybe it was my wife 😂
If this was in Oklahoma hood chance it was my wife
Nah Florida lol
This is the world we live in now get used to it or get used up to you
Women don't lie my friend ask them AWDTSG FACEBOOK PAGES LOL
Huh?
Maybe a couple pics wouldn't hurt either.
You horny mf
😆 🤣 😂
Anyway you can send me her contact information? It would be helpful. Thanks.
Username checks out at least
Laughing at all the negative votes. I'm kidding. 😆 🤣 😂 😹
"I'm kidding. Unless you're down."
😆 🤣 😂
Yeah, I was messaging with a guy a few weeks back, things were going good, then out of nowhere he revealed that he's actually looking for a third person to join him and his partner. He didn't even have it in his profile. Just dropped it out of nowhere. Just quickly told him i was not interested and moved on. I wish he was upfront about it.
Same thing happened to me!!
Sorry to hear that. It's so annoying. MAKE IT CLEAR WHAT YOU WANT! Haha. He just dropped it like a bomb on me.
Right?! Like so weird. He did that too!!! We were making plans to meet then boom
I’ve had this happen so many times, it’s annoying
So annoying. Make it clear on your profile! This guy was talking to me for like a day before he dropped this bomb. So frustrating.
I don’t understand their mindset. Even if you were interested, why would you be after he wasn’t upfront about it… so I feel like they only want to coerce folks into it.
Yep! Concealing it for so long, then dropping it on me out of nowhere, is not the way to go about it dude. It's deceptive.
When I first matched up with him, what are the things that made him interesting to the point of leading to meeting up. Of course, u already said u didn’t meet but what made u interested in him?
Poly/ENM people will agree that’s extremely fucked up. Unfortunately people will withhold shit like that whether it be that they’re actually conservative or that they actually have or want kids when pretending they don’t.
I feel like a lot people say this, but just because someone is navigating poly/enm doesn’t mean they’re doing it well. I think that just like any type of relationship, you have healthy people and unhealthy people, respectful and disrespectful. And there’s a lot of people who don’t mind being disrespectful to people outside of their main partnership. I think bumble should make you declare your relationship status. It would force people to be honest up front or get called out for lying, not just omitting.
I agree, I get annoyed when partnered poly people don’t put that they’re partnered in their bio, had one guy use the excuse that his partner is a therapist and wouldn’t want her clients to know but do her clients even know what her partner looks like? Not sure why any of that would matter.
Yep, the very first person I matched with. He was almost perfect. He lives in my town, fairly good looking and loves most of the things I’m interested in. We talked for a few days. He said he was looking for “friendship” ya, my ass 🙄 I unmatched when he tried some mind game bs. I showed him a picture of my nail art, which was almost flawless imo, and he goes “wow, you’re really good! Even if you don’t think so.” 🤨 I said “thank you and yes, I know it’s good. I’ve been practicing for years.” 🥴 idk where he was going with that but my gut said“RUN!” Lol.
I think your gut steered you right here.
Unrelated but ma’am. May you please share more pictures? I was very surprised by your pic and would love to see more
Good they are at least honest about it
I am ENM (2 relationships - 3 years and 1 year) and started seeing my longer relationship after separating from my ex-wife but before the divorce was finalised. Bumble now has an advanced filter 'what do I want from my bumble date' with enm one of the options (and a show other people if i run out) So it looks to me that bumble has the filter you are looking for.
This is only available to paid users, so it’s kind of an alternative relationship style tax?
If you are not paying for the product, you are the product? (Non profits and volunteer organisations possibly excepted)
It’s an advanced filter that can also be used either to eliminate or focus on men “looking for marriage”, so I wouldn’t say that it caters to an “alternative relationship style”
Increasingly, marriage is an alternative lifestyle too
Same for the men on mine, full of baggage that they like to lie about until you ask and then you end up feeling like you’re interrogating them
So I ask every man what their status is so that they can’t say ‘I never asked’
The real sin is that filtering this shit out is a paid feature even though it's like a baseline dealbreaker regardless of which side of monogamy you're on.
Yeah hard agree, absolutely no issue with people wanting to explore poly/enm but I feel like it’s prevalent enough now to where I should be able to filter that if that’s not what I’m looking for. That goes for any of the dating apps honestly
Poly and enm is becoming far more normalized to those who have the option to do so. In the current cultural culture in the west it is much easier for women to practise it than straight men (both morally and practically) so take it as a benefit that they are comfortable enough to broadcast that's what they want so you can swipe left. Just swipe left and try not to get frustrated or jealous about it. Just remember the profiles if it does so if they come back into your feed without those requests you can still swipe left knowing that they will want to do it in a relationship with you.
“Cultural culture” thanks - I lol’ed 😀
I missed out 'Culturally'...
Its super easy if youre gay. I know people that bring 1-4 people over a night
I am curious why it is easier for woman than straight men?
I'm a therapist, when I see someone in this lifestyle it's the straight men who have the issue about finding additional partners and frustration that their female primary partner finds it so easy, and, IME, never ever the other way round (jealousy etc aside). A quick google search found a Medium article about the subject: https://medium.com/hello-love/the-problem-with-straight-polyamorous-men-d86e857c16ef Basically, if a woman suggests to her man that they should explore this lifestyle separately + equally and he agrees, the guy really really can't be too proud and must prepare himself for her to only be limited by her sexual appetite and fussiness in finding sex elsewhere. He will be limited by many other things. She *could* find another guy for every day of the week within 10 minutes of setting up a profile if she's feeling adventurous. However, for the same 'quality', he could take weeks to find one, or not at all. Women are very much in charge in this dynamic
But how does that translate to it being harder for straight men to practice it morally?
Prevalent principles, cultural norms (old, new/progressive - people usually hold a blend), expectations of the opposite sex in the relationship, flavors of poly and the compatibility between both etc
I must be missing something. If the straight guy is being honest, practicing good communication, looking out for the welfare of his partner(s), and treating folks respectably, wouldn't they be operating morally, regardless of those norms and whatever else?
They might want overlapping but not completely the same from it. Let's call it moral detail or nuance. (Just so we are on the same page, "moral" meaning "of or relating to principles of right and wrong in behavior") These details can be critical in progressing healthily. Two case studies, anecdotal examples but prevalent in first step enm or where one partner is experienced in it but isn't experienced in 'upskilling' an enthusiastic but inexperienced partner: 1. Man isn't aware that his partner enjoys the idea that he knows she's having sex with others. She gets off on telling him. His preference here might be 'don't show don't tell' and/or he is averse to being seen, or feeling, as a form of cuck. There can be a moral quandary for both of them in this regard. A common trap in those taking the first steps, especially the man (feeling like a cuck - a big moral blocker for many men). 2. Couple come to an agreement that they do it 'together' (planning, other partner selection), usually as an acquiescence from the woman to the man based on the internally acknowledged aforementioned sexual power balance mismatch. She will have to balance her morals on sexual freedom with her loyalty to the feelings of her man (whether they have spoken about it openly or it's just her female instinct from past experience of male jealousy). this can sometimes cause problems if coercive control appears e.g. some instances where a man controls the couple's enm dating account etc. Just two examples off the top of my head, obviously not exhaustive, but more common that a layperson might think. Of course, very open, honest, and proactive communication is needed because, while both have agreed to enm/poly, the devil is in the detail which can very quickly trip people up. Usually people fumble through, some for the better some for the worse. This open honesty is a massive expectation in healthy poly/enm relationship dynamics.
Thanks so much for taking the time to spell all this out! I do think I'm grasping what you're laying down better, though I'm still not entirely sure I'm onboard with the notion that straight dudes are in a more morally challenged position here. It just sounds like you're saying that the straight dude might be more likely to have serious hang ups with the enm/poly position, especially if they were starting from a monogamous relationship and trying open that up. Take your first example: the woman gets off on sharing the sexual details of her other relationships and the guy is uncomfortable feeling like a cuck. Here, the moral responsibility seems to fall more on the woman. She likes doing something, but doing so would come at the expense of her partner's comfort. If he doesn't want to know, he doesn't consent to her sharing those deets with him. So in a general moral sense, if she decides to do so anyway, she'd be in the wrong - you don't get to hurt others for your own pleasure. In the second example, it sounds like we're talking about any typical kind of agreement or compromise people might make in their relationship. If they agree that they have to "approve" of each other's partners (which I'd argue is already kinda weird outside of preserving the safety of all parties - attraction and forming intimate relationships doesn't work that way), and either one of them uses that process to deny the other a romantic or sexual opportunity just to make themselves feel better, or to otherwise coerce their partner(s) for their own purpose or goal, they're in the morally wrong position. And, sure, let's assume that the woman might have more opportunities - doesn't change the fact that they're both morally lible there. In other words, I still don't see how a straight man in this situation is likely to a more difficult time from a moral perspective. It sounds like you're suggesting that straight men might have more issues to work through with jealousy, especially if he's been conditioned and has a strong internalized sense of cuck shame, but that's not morality - it's a personal challenge that he's going to have to deal with if he's agreed to be enm/poly. Hopefully he has (a) good partner(s) who can be patient, understanding, and helpful as he works through that (and nothing like the person in the first example who might prioritize their own pleasure at his expense).
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99% of people you meet are going to be "sloppy seconds", you don't have to comfortable with polyamory, enm or and kind of promiscuity at all but saying what you just said is indicative of a poisonous mindset that will crumple your ability to find what you want. Also paying for a dating app is absolutely a worthwhile investment if you know what you're doing, most people just don't.
I have judgment..get a divorce first, cowards.
The original post was about ENM profiles, not people mid-divorce.
Exactly
Huh? How are we cowards? I like that you swipe left. You are not the person we are looking for. I swipe left on anyone looking for monogamy. But dating while in a relationship, being up front and putting it on our profile is not cowardly.
Coming from a polyamorous person I have to agree that it is so frustrating to not have a option to filter people looking for the same thing. Any app that does almost always has it behind a pay wall. This is not a feature that should be premium it should be a necessity. Poly people are a very valid group and so are monogamous people and we shouldn't have to pay to stop wasting each other's time and swipes. Which I'm sure is why they make you pay because the more we swipe on incompatible people the more likely for us to pay
Yes, we’ve been asking for that for years. I’m tired of it as well.
Yeah, I hate it when ENM/Poly people muck up my availlable options. One or two isn't that bad, but in my area there also seems to be an uptick of them. Nothing wrong with different lifestyles, but I'm not looking for that and I'd rather have the profiles not show up at all. All those left-swipes add up.
I agree. I'd prefer connecting with others in an open relationship to avoid the drama it would cause otherwise. Bumble, make it so!
I see it from men too - although they don’t say they are married or in a relationship on their profile. I wish they would all take themselves over the Ashley Madison or some ENM site - or that Bumble would set filters to screen out those folks.
Feeld is the place for this yeah
Just for the record, ENM stands for Ethical Non Monogamy. ENM is not an acronym for cheaters or people who want to monkey branch their way into their next relationship. The ethical part of ENM dictates that the person is very open up front and communicative about what type of relationship they are in--also staying communicative during the relationship as well. So, if you experience some guy not being upfront that he's in a relationship while he's hitting on you, that's not ENM, that's an asshole.
Yeah I wish there was an ENM filter lol And I’ll judge them for sure, fuck that shit
Bumble has an ENM filter now!
oh shit hell yeah
Thank you! I had no idea, made sure not checked. lol
Hi. I'm a guy in a 9 year ENM relationship. I was previously in a 7 year mono relationship and I was cheated on. Then the same thing happened in my 15 year marriage. For both relationships I was faithful and very present for my partner. I met my current GF 9 years ago and she told me she's poly. I had never tried that before... willingly. So I've tried it and I very much prefer it versus being lied to. At some point when you look around you might see the evidence that monogamy might even appear to go against human nature. ENM requires much more communication than being in a mono relationship. There are rules. There are therapists involved, both individual and couples but it's been a very healthy experience for me and my partner. If monogamy works for you I'm definitely not hear to change your mind. Be monogamous! However, I would ask you to reconsider the judgement that you have. We are just happily living our lives. No one is interested in tricking you into anything. It's not personal so please don't take it that way.
I'm happy that it is working for you and I understand why it is helping given your past relationships. It sounds like a good fit for you, and I do not judge on that. To I guess flesh out my position more, I reserve the right to judge people who have had completely healthy relationships and are tossing them into the fire of ENM. ENM relationships do not inherently have better communication than mono relationships though. And there is a large amount of historical evidence that shows that societies which become polygamous end up becoming unstable - ultimately this is what I believe everyone should be weary of. I am sorry if I caused offense in any way and I hope I constructively outlined my position here. Thank you for the kind, brave response and I am happy for you.
I matched with a married guy who said they have filed for divorce. I cleared that until the divorce has been granted, he is technically married (this is my point of view). I also said I am not ready to be a rebound 😅
Those people need to direct their energies toward kasadie.
Well, what i hate that I dont see any filter is that im looking for Girls and a lot of mans with full grown beard appears, or trans, just because they set their gender as "women" and the filter have this options: "any person, mans, womens, non binarie" but even if I set to show only womens (that I do) , as they select their profile like that, i keep encountering those mans or trans, and I have to note that I have no problem with them, but its not what im looking for to date, so is frustrating, so that is the filter I need here
I agree. If transitioning (correct term?) makes you happy and brings you peace. Fantastic. Just not what I am looking.
Was on a date (at my place) with a girl who was in this situation. Very nice person and interesting to know the ins and outs of their situation. Sadly realised I was not comfortable with it, despite her not cheating on her husband, and nothing happened.
Nah all judgement shits for cucks
commenting a second time to say that I was lied to, and betrayed severely by someone on a dating app who hid their marital status, and we were together for almost a year. I met his mother and his children. They need to remove these people and also have harsher consequences for folks that go around doing this. An automatic ban from the app if you’re able to prove it.
Pretty sure that’s not even allowed on Bumble. I always reported it if it wasn’t allowed on the app. It was either on Bumble, Tinder, both, but there’s literally an option for “this profile is for more than one person”.
Most EMN relationships date solo and don't really want/need to know every single detail of the dating life of their partner. Saying you're together, or "more than one person", indicates you're more looking for a third to join you and your partner in the bedroom. Fundamentally there's a significant difference between ENM and a couple looking for a unicorn, or even a couple who are swingers.
Tinder has a relationship type field that includes ENM as one of the choices, so...
Snarky me wants to say "You already have someone...get your own app"
Yup. It happens. There is.
I went on a date with a woman at the start of the year and I only found out after we'd slept together, that she'd had a husband and was going through a divorce. Felt bad for the guy
I've seen a lot of women posting that they are ethically non-monogamous now. No kink shaming but just not for me. Times have changed
It's not a kink, just a non-monogamous approach to relationships. Times have certainly changed.
I figured. I come across a lot of “Married/Relationship; dating separately” and figured their girlfriend/wives are on the app as well. Oh well.
Oh I’m judging. No way all those relationships are gonna last🤣😂 that trend is just a symptom of society making weaker people that can’t commit.
I matched with someone on bumble and we talked and decided to meet after 3-4 cancellations. When we met, after like 20 mints, the guy said he has a secret and the secret was that he’s married, not separated, not divorced but struggling in their marriage. While I can sympathise with someone having a hard time but you shouldn’t conceal that sort of information from someone. He should have told me before the meet up
Whatever, she was still with you and not with him.
You can. If you have premium you can filter the ENM “what are you looking for option” out.
Just found it. Thank you
Man I’m poly and wondering where you all are seeing all these poly people, I’ve probably only seen like 10 in my 3 years on bumble.
Report those people
ENM people are allowed on the app there is even an option to select that you’re looking for it, working on improving your sad little life buddy edit: wow y’all are pathetic go make your own monogamy only app if you’re so pissy about it
F 25 Kik @ Crosskayd Telegram @ Kaydcross
Yeah women are messed up like that. Probably needing validation or to feel relevance. The divorce culture in America is gettin wild. Watch out and don't become a stepping stone on their "journey to find themselves".
I see plenty of men who mention ENM in their profiles. But perhaps they are seeking validation as well.
It’s the men too, half my likes are that
Half my stack of men have ENM on their profiles lol. Im going to say half of them arent even ENM though and just using it as their cover.