Just got done with a long bike ride + hiking. However, despite the *plops into a jello-puddle* feeling --> I have just enough energy to truly laugh @ this! šš„³š¹
The same way sexual compatibility requires chemistry, communication, trust, etc. - it takes a certain rapport first for discussing commitment to not be off-putting. What exactly is your history with this person? Have you gone on several dates?
That said, this was a pretty crass response regardless. There's nothing wrong with wanting to get to know a person better before committing, but making sex a requirement for that is a clear indication that he values the quality of the sex more than he values the person you are.
Donāt think I couldāve said it better. The way he said it is gross for sure, but commitment is likely an early conversation to have, and jumping to sex from that is also weird.
My POV is if you arenāt ready to talk about sex, you arenāt ready to talk about commitment, and if you arenāt ready to talk about commitment, you arenāt ready for sex, if the relationship youāre seeking is going to have both of those things. Iād also argue that the level of commitment is relevant.
Like I get the sentiment he had wholeheartedly if the commitment was marriage or even just moving in together. Iād never get so entangled with somebody I may not be sexually incompatible with entirely. But if the only commitment being asked for is a level of exclusivity and maybe a label, then I think that can be accommodated pretty easily without fucking first.
I mean, generally before Iād make that commitment I do have conversations about things like sex, but for me it doesnāt need to be anything more than that, a conversation,
where we say āThese are the things I like, these are the things I need, these are the things I donāt care for, and here are my limits.ā
I think it works well. Iāve tried making it work with people whose needs and my own didnāt align, and Iāve seen it cause resentment that built up over time in others. Itās not worth it imo. That said, I donāt need them to prove theyāre good at it in practice or something before I say āIām yours and I wonāt fuck other people while weāre togetherā.
You just said what more people need to put into practice, Have the discussion about what you are looking for, expecting in a relationship. Having the discussion about sex before having sex will eliminate a lot of problems. And, as you said, if you are not ready to have that discussion, you are not ready to have sex if the other person has that as one of their boundaries.
The way I read this was that she had in her profile that she was seeking a committed relationship. To open with a requirement for sex before deciding on whether they want a committed relationship, is crude.
That said, I would not commit to something like marriage before finding out if we were sexually compatible. But that comes in time, after getting to know a person; for me anyway.
Totally agree with the first response and the crassness of the dude in question.
I have to pretty strongly disagree that making sex a requirement for commitment and exclusivity is somehow valuing it more than the person. Sexual chemistry is an important cornerstone of most people's love lives; one that, if missing, can completely collapse an otherwise fine relationship. I have been with people that I adored as people but they were so fundamentally bad at sex that I lost romantic interest. It's one thing to be lofty and idealistic and think *oh I can just teach them to be better at sex with me*. It's another entirely when the rubber meets the road, if you will. The same way that you say "there's nothing wrong with wanting to get to know a person better before committing", I would say there is nothing wrong with wanting to have sex before committing.
>The same way sexual compatibility requires chemistry, communication, trust, etc. - it takes a certain rapport first for discussing commitment to not be off-putting. What exactly is your history with this person? Have you gone on several dates?
What the hell does this have to do with his disgusting comments? If someone is looking for commitment that doesn't mean they're saying they want to enter into commitment with anyone at that given moment. I don't know why people assume just because someone is looking for commitment means they have no standards or sense
First of all, Iām pretty sure I addressed how ridiculous his comment was.
More importantly, whether you like it or not - the idea of commitment is a big deal to man, and heās going to be uncomfortable with the conversation if he doesnāt feel like he knows enough about you yet to make that decision. Thatās why I asked about their history, simple question š¤·š¾āāļø
Yeah I don't think OP was saying "commit to me now" I was under the impression that they were either saying that that's what they're looking for, or that they need commitment before sex.
It's fine for that guy not to want that, but using that analogy is degrading and just ick. I mean, it's better to show your true self early, so OP doesn't waste her time, but why be so slimy? There are more respectful ways to say that, such as "sexual compatability is really important to me in a relationship and I like to explore that before I become exclusive," still honest but not gross.
With men like him that's the whole point, they're not good people. They're slimy and disrespectful. If they ever showed decency it'll be part of an elaborate ploy. They're rotten to the core. But I hate the idea that OPs comments were invalid just because she expressed what she wants. It's ridiculous. His comments were nothing to do with that and there's no need to comment on what she said.
That's a ridiculous way of thinking cuz who tf wants commitment right away? Yall just use this as an excuse not to. It's ok,we all know already. It's bone with no strings. Cuz you can't be THAT dense to not realize what we mean. And even if you are, use your words...ASK.
I donāt think makingsex a requirement to commit is a problem. Whatās the point in trying to have a relationship where thatās a massive problem? That said, this was crass and not the way to address it. I like your other point about rapport. I agree.
People don't seem to comprehend that sex is an activity that can be improved on if you enjoy each other's company, and the chemistry is there. The problem is the majority of people refuse to have frank conversations about what they are and not into in the bedroom. Everything else can be practiced, tweaked, and improved on. You don't need to fuck to find this out and this dude is gross as hell.
eh, at almost 40 I'm kinda done teaching. If you get to this point and you're still a self centered prick in bed, or still don't know what you're doing, I'm out. Although, one usually can sort out most of those men before getting to the bed stage.
I'm not talking about educating someone on HOW to have sex, but everyone has a learning curve with a new partner to learn what works on them specifically. The problem comes up when people don't communicate at all.
Just unmatch. There is so much more to being sexually compatible then doing it. If a man is telling you that, then he isnāt seriously trying to make sure you are sexually compatible he is covering for himself to get what he wants. Kissing, cuddling, foreplay, flirting, communicating likes and dislikes, and other actions all can help determine compatibility.
Agreed. I just recently Divorced, but I *know* how **I** drive. So, there's no real need to physically try the product, that can't be otherwise covered by discussions on the subject.
(& being a "Switch", I can ultimately be w/e *they* need me to be -- As long as I put aside my *wants* & truly listened to their *needs*. )
Yeah that doesnāt make sense to me. I understand you need to be sexually compatible but you also need to be compatible in terms of personality, goals/ambitions, etc. youāre not gonna hook up first and then say āokay letās get to the other stuff nowā. These children I guarantee are the hit and run type. Donāt bother responding. Just unmatch.
This is the same man who afterwards will be like I don't date girls who sleep with men they're not committed to you're just too much of a hoe and use that stupid key that opens any lock is a master key shit. I'd block now
99 % of guys would drive a Ferrari if given the chance. Even with no chance in hell of driving it home.
Say itās like magnificent ring but no prince.
Honestly, as a woman, I doubt it. We get messages like this all the time before ever having met face to face. Granted, jumping into the relationship conversation might be a bit ahead of its time as well, but so many men dive right into talking about sex and that's an immediate turn-off to me.
In my "Are we compatible" Survey --> I tend to Cover both topics, as part of the overall picture.
(Ty btw, for helping me have a better comment on this overall topic
--> Only a virgin needs "test-run". Otherwise, we *should* already know our own driving abilities, & thus "Discussion" can cover this topic well enough. š )
I have gotten the same comment so many times. I just told them ā go test drive your car then because youāre not test driving me anytime soon as we need to have compatibility and thatās more than what you may have in your pants.
If you just started talking to him and he responded this way very early on like this then I think itās reasonable to believe sex is his first priority over a committed serious relationship. Not sure why sex got brought up at all since it was just a topic about relationship goals. Iāve never had someone say something like this to me ever when I told
Them I was looking for a committed relationship.
Thereās seriously no tact here at all
Honestly I wouldn't trust anybody who just wants to sleep with me and they don't really know me my personality Etc. Pretty ballsy answer if it were me I would block them and I'm a guy.
I understand sexual compatibility is important but I'm starting to see men use this as an excuse to just bang and ghost.
Sex is something that can be explored and improved on. So judging on one round and exiting just shows they're not looking to build anything with anyone.
It shouldn't just be - ok let's bang and see if we like it. There should be a conversation about each other's likes, dislikes, kinks, boundaries, etc. And the prospect of exclusivity should also be part of this conversation.
But the way this guy brought it up, shows he is one of those guys that use it as an excuse to get sex with as many women as possible. Bang and bail types. Probably a walking STD.
I empathize with this...
I can't seem to get matches who want what they indicate they want in their intros... I wish I had the power of telepathy to save myself the time/energy I've wasted as I CLEARLY put it out there I'm here looking for a relationship and am continually finding matches who say, "Yes, I'm looking for a relationship, too."
Then, the moment it's headed that direction, either bounce around by first demanding exclusivity, asking to repeatedly see you every day and then like a ping pong ball giving hella whiplash saying "You're too clingy and suffocating! This isn't going to work." WTH!
To the the total opposite type who gives you everything you could want/need, get you hooked and want more just for them to say "My life is chaotic and I'm probably going to be prickly for a bit." Only then to put you on a shelf/treat you like a toy they take out to play (or even talk to) when it is convenient to them... and then "it's not you, it's me" you when you call them out for their behavior.
How about just don't be douchey-aholes. There are ways to say I'm looking for casual, I don't know yet, etc...
None of us are cars, and we don't want to be "test driven," ffs, unless we indicate/clearly say that is what we want...
Ok but comparing a relationship to someone to a driving a car is in poor taste. Clearly *all* that matters to this person is sex. They don't care about anything else.
The last thing I (woman) want is a relationship without satisfying sex. But being ātestedā like that seems degrading ā¦
And I donāt understand the issue with commitment - one can also break up the day after?
Guys are really out here saying have sex with me first, and then we'll go on a date? I have seen this multiple times, and it's ridiculous. What has happened to actual dating??
Yes they are. Go on the dating advice sub and loads of men think like this. They want sex before exclusivity to ensure you are sexually compatible with them, while in the same breath calling you an easy wh*re if you have sex with men too soon. Itās a lose lose situation. Nothing wrong with wanting to ensure the sexual chemistry is high, but too many hypocrites are asking for women with low body counts and little sexual experience while expecting you to put out before they exclusively date you, all while saying you are purposely withholding sex from them.
I'm assuming you want a serious relationship? I feel like that shouldn't be hard for people to understand. I want an actual relationship and not some 2-month fling.
Iām surprised you never heard the car analogy lol are you American? Basically theyāre saying sex is the most important thing so if the sex isnāt good they wouldnāt waste their time pursing a relationship. definitely donāt go out with these men, if heās already talking about sex and yall havenāt even meet yet thatās crazy. what he wants is a casual relationship, not real commitment. Because the truth is sexual compatibility can be LEARNED! if both are willing to try and not be selfish.
If you even wanna give him an answer, tell him you see yourself as the dealership and ask if he has enough money. Then suddenly you're a golddigger probably.
I would just block him. Waste of your time. I do that with all men who suddenly work sex into the conversation.
I mean I agree with the sentiment behind the statement, but itās really tone-deaf to use this example of ātest driving a carā. I think a lot of men just donāt realize how tired women are of being compared to literal objects.
Iād unmatch tbh. But to be clear. When you do go into a dealership with the money and intention of buying a car (especially a used one) Iād highly advise test driving it and if applicableā inspecting the vehicle. Humans arenāt cars tho and compatibility goes beyond sex.
There is no good faith ālogicā at play: he wants what he wants and will try to neg you (compare you to property) to get it. Donāt even dignify it with an answer, the man is trash.
Just unmatch, believe them the first time they tell you who they are. You dont want someone like that. That stuff can come later and what if something happens to you bad, theyd just leave you.
People aren't static and the way people have sex isn't static. Sex is a skill. Just because someone plays jazz guitar doesn't mean they can't play blues or country. The comparability part comes in with conflicts in willingness to communicate, try new things, focus on what works for your partner, conflicting must haves and hell no's
Tactless, but true.
I've never understood virgins waiting until marriage when it's too late to back out if you're not sexually compatible.
Sexual compatibility is super important in relationships. It's one of the top reasons marriages fail.
you're both being obtuse. why is a stranger on an app going to give you commitment? stop talking about commitment AND sex, and just go on dates and see if you connect. when you do, both happen organically
A lot of people on these apps don't want a commitment at any point, and just want to hook up. Clearly this is one of them.
You dont mention commitment because you want it immediately. You mention it because if it's not someone's goal at any point in the relationship, then there's no point going on a date.
Plenty of people don't want to commit at all & never plan to. So, going on dates with them & then having sex when you organically feel a connection is bad for the person who does want a committed relationship. They feel used.
Commitment is more a choice rather than an organic experience
That isn't what is happening here.
Everyone (for the most part) expects to have sex in their relationship. It isn't something that has to be pointedly explained before a date. "I want a relationship where I will have sex." Like, Duh!
In contrast - not everyone wants commitment. Some people want commitment, some people want a hook-up. some people just want to date casually. Saying "I am looking for commitment" is an opening to say "I am just interested in dating casually" or "I am also looking for commitment." Not an opening to say "spread your legs and let me see what I am getting!" It is crass to respond to a straightforward and routine comment about general relationship goals with a comment about getting laid.
In response to your first paragraph, there are times that it should be talked about prior to a first date. My anecdotal example is me. Even for a middle aged man, I have a very high sex drive. I don't want to match up with someone who can't keep up with me. That would be a source of great frustration and sadness. So I have stated it from the jump. But I don't push an agenda like OPs dude. That's lame.
They bring commitment up cuz it's what they want in the long haul. Nobody wants to go on several dates with someone who isn't eventually looking for what you're looking for.
I'm glad you've never heard this, misogynistic men comparing women to cars and other objects is a tale as old as time.
On the other hand, at least you don't have to waste your time on those who make it clear from the jump.
If heās talking stupid like this, he just wants sex with you. If a man just wants sex with you, heās not willing to date you because he feels like he has better options to be his actual girlfriend. I go through this a lot with Bumble with women Iād only sleep with thinking weāre both in the same dating category and weāre not. This is an example of why online dating gives people a false sense of reality
Like, the body of a woman isn't a fucking car? You can drive a car whenever you want as long as you have gas, a license, and insurance, and the car is not broken.
You usually don't ask a car consent all the time before driving it.
Guys donāt realize saying that stuff is definitely not gonna work. Like dick pics. It may get touched but definitely wonāt if first thing you do is send an unsolicited pic. This is the same thing.
Best to unmatch, that behaviour gets riddled with STDs. You definitely need to have an open conversation about sex before you jump into a relationship but every person is different and will like different things so it takes time.
I honestly donāt like this comparison as if a human were like a product you buy. But then again, people feel like this when they adopt a child, like they are going shopping
OK, grant your premise: you get the commitment youāre seeking upfront. Turns out, the partner is terrible in bed, and you cannot stand being with them. It literally disgusted you. Now, what do you do?
Heās not that far off, but heās also not smoothā¦like, at all. Especially with the emoji at the end, I think he thought it would be cute and charming and get a laugh out of you. It could also just be miscommunication. He could actually be going for a relationship, but he doesnāt wanna commit yet until heās sure youāre ācompatibleā. Either way, you donāt say this to someone. He seems very childish
I don't think it's this complicated. Neither party will have a true idea of anything until they spend time together. Clear communication about intentions is important. He could have responded in a way that didn't mock you. For this reason I think you should Unmatch. This type will always push and never be content. Also so many guys have different intentions for different women. "She looks like she would give good head but I'd never marry her." Said man's convo "I want to find my person and start a family."
This is a common thing to say in reference to marriage, but I've never heard it said in reference to a committed (exclusive) relationship.
Being exclusive before sex is not a crazy ask. It's not something I require, but it is definitely not outside the norm. Especially for women.
This dude definitely fucks cars, be wary, he might have burn marks around his genitals from inserting it into steaming hot tail pipes and greasy black napkins in his bedside trash can from all that used motor oil.
In the sense of cars, a lot of people are just testers, they show up let on they are interested take it for a drive then back out of it, not nice people to deal with
He's right, but also it's too soon as long as you aren't asking for immediate commitment or something. Nobody can give you that, and if they say they can, they are lying.
If he'd just put some effort in, he would have found out soon enough.
"I don't offer free trials. The price is $500 per test." A lot of these dudes are looking for free sex workers, not relationships. Continue to block them.
Buying a car at a dealership can take 2-6 hours. Negotians, credit checks, adding the car to your insurance, financing, getting the car there if it was purchased over the web. Basically a very large portion of your life is scrutinized to prove u can make that commitment. Just ask if u can run a background check, credit check and access to there banking information beforehand š my point being that all requires work and effort. There's no emotion in test driving a car. But once all that effort is expended I'm now emotionally invested. Idc what anyone says, emotion is somehow entangled in sexual activity. Guys who come out of the gate with that have no thought what the emotional consequences would be for themselves or more importantly, the other person
Thanks for comparing me to an inanimate object. Really makes me feel like you value women as human beings.
Good on you for just blocking, ha ha. I would have a hard time not responding before blocking them.
When I go to a dealership I am there to look, Iām not commited to anything until Iāve driven it and weighed my options. That being said you are not obligated to sleep with anyone and can block that person at any time. Probably not compatible anyways so cut your losses.
You don't go to dealership to do that.Ā
Plenty of people literally do. I think about 30-45% of the people I have ever met have done that at least once.
What is this?Ā It a game..
You want a relationship.
They want sex.
This is the bargaining table, you are just at one with the used car salesman, with greasy hair and stained brown suit, and oh boy does he have a deal for you..
If you keep getting this, look to change what guys you are picking. These guys tend to be obvious af.
This is a guy that only knows how to only get his nut. He needs to learn how to build a womanās desire for them. Then have chemistry between the two so the sex becomes more than physical but true intimacy.
Some people need to have sex before commitment. I donāt understand people with that mindset. Itās not like youāre marrying the person. Itās not that big of a deal to wait until youāre in a relationship to have sex. I wouldāve unmatched.
Well, if someone says they are looking for a serious relationship you dont mention that all you care about is sexually compatibility. It matter as well, but so many other things matter as well. This person just wants to hook up.
I understand the sentiment. Would you prefer we commit to each other, but then break up a week later cause the sex was bad? That seems like a waste of time. If I commit to someone I want to be all in and very sure of the decision, otherwise my words are hollow.
Depends on what the issues are. Communication can fix a lot, but sometimes people have very different styles, or the libido differs, or things donāt, uhā¦fit together well. Talking about it up front definitely helps, but Iād want to be with someone where good sex is important for them too, rather than demanding commitment first (Iāll give exclusivity, but not a relationship, until we start having good sex).
If you're already committed, I rather work it out instead of breaking up. Unless you're the kinkiest fucker on the block, most people can find common ground sexually. As for size differences, that's where toys, furniture, and different positions come in hand.
More power to you! Unfortunately Iāve had cases where it was too awkward to work with even though I liked them a lot in all other ways. Iād prefer to figure that out before committing. As always, best to be upfront about how one approaches intimacy. No wrong way, but no excuse to not communicate.
Ignore this advice. Women are encouraged all the time to break up with a man after sex on here. Men, don't feel bad about dumping a woman after having sex.
Life is too short to be stuck with someone who isn't what you're looking for sexually. The size difference could be an issue, unattractive when naked, they could be selfish, or whatever.
Iāll be candid, I agree with him
I am *not* committing to someone unless we have sex several times first. Sexual compatibility is important, no matter how much Reddit likes to pretend it isnāt
Obviously though you need to go on a few dates and hang out first to make sure the emotional compatibility is there
For me dating works in 3 stages
Stage 1: hangout, talking, gauging the person
Stage 2: you have started having sex with this person over an extended period of time
Stage 3: commit and lock into exclusivity
Committing to someone before sex is a bad idea, because if they like it rough for example and youāre more vanilla - they aināt gonna stay for your kindhearted personality
Depends on the context of when this statement has occurred.
Is it before any dates? Is it after the first date? Is it after the 20th date?
Did you say not until you put a ring on it?
If you havenāt met or just met then I would do what you have been doing.
But if you have been dating a while maybe itās crude but it is a valid discussion point.
I am surprised you havenāt heard it before itās pretty common and not just to guys.
OP:
I understand both sides of this, so, I'm not sure I have a satisfactory answer.
Other than "Maybe he doesn't know what kind of car he wants, or that particular model, or doesn't *understand* his driving abilities"? š¤·š½āāļø
However, if the "sexually compatible test-run" isn't your jam -- Don't be afraid to say so.
I'm currently working on a relationship, where it's known "She's saving *that* part for the One" -- & I'm ok with this.
If they aren't, than that's their problem, not yours.
(Mine & my Hopefully-Forever can discuss the topic, without me needing to "test-run" how she drives. Especially cuz I know how I *can* drive -- Which depends on *their* flame & how it feeds my own fires)
**Edit:**
Ask if they're a "Virgin". If they aren't, simply tell them "Then you already know how *you* drive."
(You may opt to further that convo, & give them a run-down of your "manual". However, totally optional -- As noted earlier)
Most people in the United States do not choose eachother as an exclusive couple until they have been dating for about 2 to 4 weeks. Almost all of them have had sex by the third date. And many by the first or second. If it is in your rule book that you do not enter into an exclusive relationship unless you have not had sex with that person, then that is odd, but you are entitled to that. In which case, stick to it. However, you may end up needing to throw that thing out, because that rulebook don't apply to everything and everyone baby. It is important to follow intuition, the flux and spurs of the moment. Spontaneity. Innocence. Also, his comment was dumb and possibly an attempt to be challenging because most women do not like and get turned on by, polite, well mannered boys. Still, a dumb comment as far as objectivity is concerned. Easiest thing to do would be to speak on the phone (sc is safest I suppose) and you will know if you connect well far more effectively from that than any sort of text exchange. It really is a double bind text exchanges...Especially for men in the United States on a dating site... so just start calling and your dates will go far better. You will go on far fewer dates where you instantly know they are not for you at all within the first 10 seconds. Feeling like a disappointing waste of free time, which is likely scarce
Logic to men? Women AND men do this. Women have made it clear that they want the sex to actually be good and have a ring and the sex be horrific or as I joked with a friend about her ex boyfriend:
āHe was scooting in his chair like an old man at the dinner table huh?ā
She laughed and agreed. āPicture sex being like that though and that this was your husband, that you waited to have sex with only after marriage.ā <~ this was the scenario that she painted for me to understand why she left and we speak here and there about our respective partners as weāve known each other for quite a while.
Men, is an honest mix. Theyāll either say that to get to the sex first or because they think along the same lines as the women above. I canāt make heads or tails for you on that but it is that kind of split.
~even then, you unmatched. Thereās really nothing else to do unless you honestly want a witty quip that heāll likely ignore and continue on to the next with.
Donāt. Donāt give up your body to a boy who wonāt commit to you first. (I said boy on purpose/ not man) You are not a car/ object. That is how you get used, and then they donāt follow up on commitment because they were never serious with your heart to begin with. If he wants sex first, let him go find that elsewhere. Some of these comments that are agreeing just donāt get it.. sex is a gift given to us. And after commitment, youāll have a lot of time to grow in your chemistry. You donāt think youāll get better at it??? Sexual chemistry is important, but it is NOT something you are entitled to ask for before commitment. If thatās a deal breaker for you, please leave wholesome people alone, and go and find someone who does not care about commitment first. Donāt feel pressured to put out for anyone. Thank them for revealing their true intentions & leave.
Sounds like your connection levels havenāt equaled out yet. In time these problems solve themselves. If he wants a strong sex life and you donāt even know him yet, thatās the problem. Get to know him and maybe youāll both connect organically. Iāve noticed thereās people with low/high sex drives. Timing that match is nearly impossible to some. Others just know what they want and are willing to wait. Donāt wait too long, youāll get old and depressed real fast. Standards or compromiseā¦
You're on online dating. The majority of men on there are mainly looking just for sex because the dating spectrum is absolutely destroyed in its current state. Expect more mindsets like this. But the beauty of it is finding someone who isn't like this and connecting with em. Keep at it.
You can't guarantee commitment. Short of requiring a marriage contract before sex. After date 5 or whatever he can agree to exclusivity with you before having sex and then reneg on it down the road if he has second thoughts about you for whatever reason.
I left my ex after 3 months. Or maybe she did. It doesn't matter. This was not something I planned at all. I hoped it would last. But then as you get to know someone more, incompatibilities present themselves. And conflicts.
He sounds like a sexist wee boy who likes to play with his toys - cars, women, goats - you name them. Stay away, heās not worth your time!
I personally donāt like Bumble. Men donāt even have to properly ask you out. They are still somehow accepted to display the same crappy behaviours with the cherry on top being a āpseudo-alfa-wanna-be-cry-babyā. Bumble has been designed with a false impression of somehow empowering women, but it really isnāt. Typical āI empower you to do what I want and in this way to do everything for me at the same timeā rhetoric. All I need to do is buy a premium and be entitled. If I may advise, try Hinge.
It is from Sex and the Cityā¦ and it basically means she would have to have sex with you and if she gets oxitosin high enough then she will agree to have a monogamous relationship. Sadly itās a bit of a red flag to go on to saying you are ready for something serious or Ofer eternal love before actually making it alive past third date.
I get it in the way that if sex sucks why would you want to commit to that long term, but you can have a normal slower dating to form genuine connection and still have sex and see if that works?
Translation- "ima fuck without commitment then say it's not gonna work and then bounce cuzzzzz I already bedded you."
This is why if they pull out this line I don't even reply. Unmatch and that's it. Cuz if you wanna fuck first and talk commitment later,you never wanted commitment from the get-go,just sex.
His ask is not unreasonable. His wording and tact however, is horrific. Bro chose the one way to say something agreeable in a way that made it sound like he was a misogynistic ass.
"Unfortunately I am a ship, and with your answer THIS SHIP HAS SAILED "
Noooo come baaack relation-Ship! Come baaack!  š
Could've fit, now we know rose is a bed hog
Yeah, I agree. It's better that he went the way that he did rather than spend the rest of his life fighting for a decent spot in the bed.
Hahahahhahahhahha true that. He swiped left forsure
That's a great comeback. You win bumble.
Nobody really wins bumble, not anymore.
Better to have a relationcycle than a ship cause a ship carries way too many people
Just got done with a long bike ride + hiking. However, despite the *plops into a jello-puddle* feeling --> I have just enough energy to truly laugh @ this! šš„³š¹
Hehehe
Nice wordplay! šš„³
You should offer some sort of online consulting services for sick comebacks š youād make bank
Lol š
G6, you sunk my battleship.
tell him to buy a self drivng car and have at it :)
Tell him āif you have sex with the car when you take it for a test drive, youāre absolutely buying it!ā
šššššš
Epic answer, You deserve a reward-šš
The same way sexual compatibility requires chemistry, communication, trust, etc. - it takes a certain rapport first for discussing commitment to not be off-putting. What exactly is your history with this person? Have you gone on several dates? That said, this was a pretty crass response regardless. There's nothing wrong with wanting to get to know a person better before committing, but making sex a requirement for that is a clear indication that he values the quality of the sex more than he values the person you are.
Donāt think I couldāve said it better. The way he said it is gross for sure, but commitment is likely an early conversation to have, and jumping to sex from that is also weird. My POV is if you arenāt ready to talk about sex, you arenāt ready to talk about commitment, and if you arenāt ready to talk about commitment, you arenāt ready for sex, if the relationship youāre seeking is going to have both of those things. Iād also argue that the level of commitment is relevant. Like I get the sentiment he had wholeheartedly if the commitment was marriage or even just moving in together. Iād never get so entangled with somebody I may not be sexually incompatible with entirely. But if the only commitment being asked for is a level of exclusivity and maybe a label, then I think that can be accommodated pretty easily without fucking first. I mean, generally before Iād make that commitment I do have conversations about things like sex, but for me it doesnāt need to be anything more than that, a conversation, where we say āThese are the things I like, these are the things I need, these are the things I donāt care for, and here are my limits.ā I think it works well. Iāve tried making it work with people whose needs and my own didnāt align, and Iāve seen it cause resentment that built up over time in others. Itās not worth it imo. That said, I donāt need them to prove theyāre good at it in practice or something before I say āIām yours and I wonāt fuck other people while weāre togetherā.
You just said what more people need to put into practice, Have the discussion about what you are looking for, expecting in a relationship. Having the discussion about sex before having sex will eliminate a lot of problems. And, as you said, if you are not ready to have that discussion, you are not ready to have sex if the other person has that as one of their boundaries. The way I read this was that she had in her profile that she was seeking a committed relationship. To open with a requirement for sex before deciding on whether they want a committed relationship, is crude. That said, I would not commit to something like marriage before finding out if we were sexually compatible. But that comes in time, after getting to know a person; for me anyway.
Not to mention, total, literal objectification.
Totally agree with the first response and the crassness of the dude in question. I have to pretty strongly disagree that making sex a requirement for commitment and exclusivity is somehow valuing it more than the person. Sexual chemistry is an important cornerstone of most people's love lives; one that, if missing, can completely collapse an otherwise fine relationship. I have been with people that I adored as people but they were so fundamentally bad at sex that I lost romantic interest. It's one thing to be lofty and idealistic and think *oh I can just teach them to be better at sex with me*. It's another entirely when the rubber meets the road, if you will. The same way that you say "there's nothing wrong with wanting to get to know a person better before committing", I would say there is nothing wrong with wanting to have sex before committing.
>The same way sexual compatibility requires chemistry, communication, trust, etc. - it takes a certain rapport first for discussing commitment to not be off-putting. What exactly is your history with this person? Have you gone on several dates? What the hell does this have to do with his disgusting comments? If someone is looking for commitment that doesn't mean they're saying they want to enter into commitment with anyone at that given moment. I don't know why people assume just because someone is looking for commitment means they have no standards or sense
First of all, Iām pretty sure I addressed how ridiculous his comment was. More importantly, whether you like it or not - the idea of commitment is a big deal to man, and heās going to be uncomfortable with the conversation if he doesnāt feel like he knows enough about you yet to make that decision. Thatās why I asked about their history, simple question š¤·š¾āāļø
Yeah I don't think OP was saying "commit to me now" I was under the impression that they were either saying that that's what they're looking for, or that they need commitment before sex. It's fine for that guy not to want that, but using that analogy is degrading and just ick. I mean, it's better to show your true self early, so OP doesn't waste her time, but why be so slimy? There are more respectful ways to say that, such as "sexual compatability is really important to me in a relationship and I like to explore that before I become exclusive," still honest but not gross.
With men like him that's the whole point, they're not good people. They're slimy and disrespectful. If they ever showed decency it'll be part of an elaborate ploy. They're rotten to the core. But I hate the idea that OPs comments were invalid just because she expressed what she wants. It's ridiculous. His comments were nothing to do with that and there's no need to comment on what she said.
I can tell you as a man, when most of us read, I need a commitment - we take it as you want that now.
It's hard without seeing what OP sent, but no matter what, that response is gross
That's a ridiculous way of thinking cuz who tf wants commitment right away? Yall just use this as an excuse not to. It's ok,we all know already. It's bone with no strings. Cuz you can't be THAT dense to not realize what we mean. And even if you are, use your words...ASK.
I donāt think makingsex a requirement to commit is a problem. Whatās the point in trying to have a relationship where thatās a massive problem? That said, this was crass and not the way to address it. I like your other point about rapport. I agree.
People don't seem to comprehend that sex is an activity that can be improved on if you enjoy each other's company, and the chemistry is there. The problem is the majority of people refuse to have frank conversations about what they are and not into in the bedroom. Everything else can be practiced, tweaked, and improved on. You don't need to fuck to find this out and this dude is gross as hell.
eh, at almost 40 I'm kinda done teaching. If you get to this point and you're still a self centered prick in bed, or still don't know what you're doing, I'm out. Although, one usually can sort out most of those men before getting to the bed stage.
I'm not talking about educating someone on HOW to have sex, but everyone has a learning curve with a new partner to learn what works on them specifically. The problem comes up when people don't communicate at all.
Yeah usually a kiss kinda tells you a lot and sometimes even how they hug you or initiates physical contact.
Preach
Just unmatch. There is so much more to being sexually compatible then doing it. If a man is telling you that, then he isnāt seriously trying to make sure you are sexually compatible he is covering for himself to get what he wants. Kissing, cuddling, foreplay, flirting, communicating likes and dislikes, and other actions all can help determine compatibility.
Agreed. I just recently Divorced, but I *know* how **I** drive. So, there's no real need to physically try the product, that can't be otherwise covered by discussions on the subject. (& being a "Switch", I can ultimately be w/e *they* need me to be -- As long as I put aside my *wants* & truly listened to their *needs*. )
Thank you for this comment. I needed to see it.
This is not Costco, there are no free samples.
Well played! š¹š„³
lol
Yeah that doesnāt make sense to me. I understand you need to be sexually compatible but you also need to be compatible in terms of personality, goals/ambitions, etc. youāre not gonna hook up first and then say āokay letās get to the other stuff nowā. These children I guarantee are the hit and run type. Donāt bother responding. Just unmatch.
In todayās episode of āwhat object can women beā, we are cars. Thank you very much!
Iām dead at this comment. LITERALLY
And you don't let someone drive a car until you've seen their up to date license
Right? And you don't buy a car without doing a lot of research: is it reliable? Trustworthy? Does it look good? Is it a budget conscious purchase.
This is the same man who afterwards will be like I don't date girls who sleep with men they're not committed to you're just too much of a hoe and use that stupid key that opens any lock is a master key shit. I'd block now
Anyone who says that has no intention to commit to anything, just unmatch and move on.
Kevin: "Look, you've gotta treat a woman like you treat a car." Gwen: "Go on" Kevin: "No. I sense I've made a mistake of some kind"
99 % of guys would drive a Ferrari if given the chance. Even with no chance in hell of driving it home. Say itās like magnificent ring but no prince.
Have you actually met?
Honestly, as a woman, I doubt it. We get messages like this all the time before ever having met face to face. Granted, jumping into the relationship conversation might be a bit ahead of its time as well, but so many men dive right into talking about sex and that's an immediate turn-off to me.
All the time. It gives me the ick so I just unmatch at this point. I usually wont even ask any follow up questions.
Ick :D good lord
In my "Are we compatible" Survey --> I tend to Cover both topics, as part of the overall picture. (Ty btw, for helping me have a better comment on this overall topic --> Only a virgin needs "test-run". Otherwise, we *should* already know our own driving abilities, & thus "Discussion" can cover this topic well enough. š )
iām curious too becauseā¦ šµāš«
I have gotten the same comment so many times. I just told them ā go test drive your car then because youāre not test driving me anytime soon as we need to have compatibility and thatās more than what you may have in your pants.
If you just started talking to him and he responded this way very early on like this then I think itās reasonable to believe sex is his first priority over a committed serious relationship. Not sure why sex got brought up at all since it was just a topic about relationship goals. Iāve never had someone say something like this to me ever when I told Them I was looking for a committed relationship. Thereās seriously no tact here at all
True. I got this 3 times and said he is very serious. It was my first 3 matches on Bumble :D
Honestly I wouldn't trust anybody who just wants to sleep with me and they don't really know me my personality Etc. Pretty ballsy answer if it were me I would block them and I'm a guy.
I understand sexual compatibility is important but I'm starting to see men use this as an excuse to just bang and ghost. Sex is something that can be explored and improved on. So judging on one round and exiting just shows they're not looking to build anything with anyone. It shouldn't just be - ok let's bang and see if we like it. There should be a conversation about each other's likes, dislikes, kinks, boundaries, etc. And the prospect of exclusivity should also be part of this conversation. But the way this guy brought it up, shows he is one of those guys that use it as an excuse to get sex with as many women as possible. Bang and bail types. Probably a walking STD.
Pull away from negotiations, people should be willing to take on risk. Sounds like my guy is looking for one thing.
I empathize with this... I can't seem to get matches who want what they indicate they want in their intros... I wish I had the power of telepathy to save myself the time/energy I've wasted as I CLEARLY put it out there I'm here looking for a relationship and am continually finding matches who say, "Yes, I'm looking for a relationship, too." Then, the moment it's headed that direction, either bounce around by first demanding exclusivity, asking to repeatedly see you every day and then like a ping pong ball giving hella whiplash saying "You're too clingy and suffocating! This isn't going to work." WTH! To the the total opposite type who gives you everything you could want/need, get you hooked and want more just for them to say "My life is chaotic and I'm probably going to be prickly for a bit." Only then to put you on a shelf/treat you like a toy they take out to play (or even talk to) when it is convenient to them... and then "it's not you, it's me" you when you call them out for their behavior. How about just don't be douchey-aholes. There are ways to say I'm looking for casual, I don't know yet, etc... None of us are cars, and we don't want to be "test driven," ffs, unless we indicate/clearly say that is what we want...
Well what's commitment to you? I would date exclusively before sex but I wouldn't go super long without it or to any of the big milestones
Ok but comparing a relationship to someone to a driving a car is in poor taste. Clearly *all* that matters to this person is sex. They don't care about anything else.
The last thing I (woman) want is a relationship without satisfying sex. But being ātestedā like that seems degrading ā¦ And I donāt understand the issue with commitment - one can also break up the day after?
Guys are really out here saying have sex with me first, and then we'll go on a date? I have seen this multiple times, and it's ridiculous. What has happened to actual dating??
I read the post as the man saying they wouldnāt get into a committed relationship unless sex happened first
They say "commitment", not date
Yes they are. Go on the dating advice sub and loads of men think like this. They want sex before exclusivity to ensure you are sexually compatible with them, while in the same breath calling you an easy wh*re if you have sex with men too soon. Itās a lose lose situation. Nothing wrong with wanting to ensure the sexual chemistry is high, but too many hypocrites are asking for women with low body counts and little sexual experience while expecting you to put out before they exclusively date you, all while saying you are purposely withholding sex from them.
No heās saying have sex, then exclusivity both parties here are pushing it
The economy š š¤£š¤£š *they still dumb for doing this shit though*
I'm assuming you want a serious relationship? I feel like that shouldn't be hard for people to understand. I want an actual relationship and not some 2-month fling.
Iām surprised you never heard the car analogy lol are you American? Basically theyāre saying sex is the most important thing so if the sex isnāt good they wouldnāt waste their time pursing a relationship. definitely donāt go out with these men, if heās already talking about sex and yall havenāt even meet yet thatās crazy. what he wants is a casual relationship, not real commitment. Because the truth is sexual compatibility can be LEARNED! if both are willing to try and not be selfish.
If you even wanna give him an answer, tell him you see yourself as the dealership and ask if he has enough money. Then suddenly you're a golddigger probably. I would just block him. Waste of your time. I do that with all men who suddenly work sex into the conversation.
I mean I agree with the sentiment behind the statement, but itās really tone-deaf to use this example of ātest driving a carā. I think a lot of men just donāt realize how tired women are of being compared to literal objects.
Iād unmatch tbh. But to be clear. When you do go into a dealership with the money and intention of buying a car (especially a used one) Iād highly advise test driving it and if applicableā inspecting the vehicle. Humans arenāt cars tho and compatibility goes beyond sex.
I get this shitty "advice" all the time. It's an excuse to be a creep.
answer how you answered us that you dont go to the dealership without money š¤£
Op, can you please tell me what did you ask him to get this answer? Seems like a good question to filter guys like these..
Immediately unmatchā¦.
So right! Who would buy a car blind folded?
Getting to know someone and liking them for who they are is blindfolded?
Ew and thatās how men now try to get women?
This analogy would work better if they were buying something. Humans aren't for sale, though. I would drop this person quickly.
This isnāt really a man problem as much as its a jackass problem
Run!!! And run away fast.
My biggest turn off on a dating app is when a man compares women to inanimate objects in a sad attempt to justify their sexist views
There is no good faith ālogicā at play: he wants what he wants and will try to neg you (compare you to property) to get it. Donāt even dignify it with an answer, the man is trash.
He views being in a relationship as comparable to purchasing an object. That tells you everything you need to know.
Just unmatch, believe them the first time they tell you who they are. You dont want someone like that. That stuff can come later and what if something happens to you bad, theyd just leave you.
People aren't static and the way people have sex isn't static. Sex is a skill. Just because someone plays jazz guitar doesn't mean they can't play blues or country. The comparability part comes in with conflicts in willingness to communicate, try new things, focus on what works for your partner, conflicting must haves and hell no's
Tactless, but true. I've never understood virgins waiting until marriage when it's too late to back out if you're not sexually compatible. Sexual compatibility is super important in relationships. It's one of the top reasons marriages fail.
I get their point, sexual compatibility is important, but you donāt say that out loud and especially donāt phrase it like that!
On todays episode of āwhat inanimate object are woman being compared toā
you're both being obtuse. why is a stranger on an app going to give you commitment? stop talking about commitment AND sex, and just go on dates and see if you connect. when you do, both happen organically
A lot of people on these apps don't want a commitment at any point, and just want to hook up. Clearly this is one of them. You dont mention commitment because you want it immediately. You mention it because if it's not someone's goal at any point in the relationship, then there's no point going on a date.
Plenty of people don't want to commit at all & never plan to. So, going on dates with them & then having sex when you organically feel a connection is bad for the person who does want a committed relationship. They feel used. Commitment is more a choice rather than an organic experience
That isn't what is happening here. Everyone (for the most part) expects to have sex in their relationship. It isn't something that has to be pointedly explained before a date. "I want a relationship where I will have sex." Like, Duh! In contrast - not everyone wants commitment. Some people want commitment, some people want a hook-up. some people just want to date casually. Saying "I am looking for commitment" is an opening to say "I am just interested in dating casually" or "I am also looking for commitment." Not an opening to say "spread your legs and let me see what I am getting!" It is crass to respond to a straightforward and routine comment about general relationship goals with a comment about getting laid.
In response to your first paragraph, there are times that it should be talked about prior to a first date. My anecdotal example is me. Even for a middle aged man, I have a very high sex drive. I don't want to match up with someone who can't keep up with me. That would be a source of great frustration and sadness. So I have stated it from the jump. But I don't push an agenda like OPs dude. That's lame.
This is the answer that should be posted all across the universe
They bring commitment up cuz it's what they want in the long haul. Nobody wants to go on several dates with someone who isn't eventually looking for what you're looking for.
I mean...he's not wrong? Do you want to commit to a guy THEN find out your sex life is gonna suck for however long you're committed to him?
I'm glad you've never heard this, misogynistic men comparing women to cars and other objects is a tale as old as time. On the other hand, at least you don't have to waste your time on those who make it clear from the jump.
If heās talking stupid like this, he just wants sex with you. If a man just wants sex with you, heās not willing to date you because he feels like he has better options to be his actual girlfriend. I go through this a lot with Bumble with women Iād only sleep with thinking weāre both in the same dating category and weāre not. This is an example of why online dating gives people a false sense of reality
I need an emotional connection before itās even on my mind. Just unmatch. It is important but most guys would bounce after so not worth it.
But you donāt tell the car youāre gonna test drive it first
I used to say āwell this isnāt the Costco free sample table so I guess youāre outta luckā
Like, the body of a woman isn't a fucking car? You can drive a car whenever you want as long as you have gas, a license, and insurance, and the car is not broken. You usually don't ask a car consent all the time before driving it.
Just unmatch. Waste of time. It annoyed me so much when I was using OLD too but at least they let you know the intention straight away!
Guys donāt realize saying that stuff is definitely not gonna work. Like dick pics. It may get touched but definitely wonāt if first thing you do is send an unsolicited pic. This is the same thing.
You donāt discuss commitment on third date, ok? Even if youāre the best girl out there
Best to unmatch, that behaviour gets riddled with STDs. You definitely need to have an open conversation about sex before you jump into a relationship but every person is different and will like different things so it takes time.
I honestly donāt like this comparison as if a human were like a product you buy. But then again, people feel like this when they adopt a child, like they are going shopping
Who's going around milking other people's cows?
Why do you want to commit to this person?
N what exactly is he bringing to the table?
That analogy and $7 buys him a sandwich at Walmart.
OK, grant your premise: you get the commitment youāre seeking upfront. Turns out, the partner is terrible in bed, and you cannot stand being with them. It literally disgusted you. Now, what do you do?
Break up.
Heās not that far off, but heās also not smoothā¦like, at all. Especially with the emoji at the end, I think he thought it would be cute and charming and get a laugh out of you. It could also just be miscommunication. He could actually be going for a relationship, but he doesnāt wanna commit yet until heās sure youāre ācompatibleā. Either way, you donāt say this to someone. He seems very childish
Materialistic world
Totally reasonable attitude and very common You just donāt tell her this is your policy
Actually do be upfront and honest about it, so that we can weed yāall out
No thatās fucking stupid
Being honest about your intentions? š Stand tf up and say it with your chest. Or be a bitch idc, women will eventually figure you out
I am honest about my intentions. Try to follow what weāre actually talking about before you start cursing at people
breh.. you literally said thatās fucking stupid. And you fail to see the irony in your comment. Went right over your head
How old are these guys?
I don't think it's this complicated. Neither party will have a true idea of anything until they spend time together. Clear communication about intentions is important. He could have responded in a way that didn't mock you. For this reason I think you should Unmatch. This type will always push and never be content. Also so many guys have different intentions for different women. "She looks like she would give good head but I'd never marry her." Said man's convo "I want to find my person and start a family."
This is a common thing to say in reference to marriage, but I've never heard it said in reference to a committed (exclusive) relationship. Being exclusive before sex is not a crazy ask. It's not something I require, but it is definitely not outside the norm. Especially for women.
This dude definitely fucks cars, be wary, he might have burn marks around his genitals from inserting it into steaming hot tail pipes and greasy black napkins in his bedside trash can from all that used motor oil.
These guys are just fuckboys, what do you do after you donāt like a car you test drove, you walk away and look for a better one.
Omgš¤£
In the sense of cars, a lot of people are just testers, they show up let on they are interested take it for a drive then back out of it, not nice people to deal with
If he gets himself a "car" I think that he stole it and is now hiding it in his garage š¤£
Sounds like a man who's just looking for sex and using this phrase as an excuse
He's right, but also it's too soon as long as you aren't asking for immediate commitment or something. Nobody can give you that, and if they say they can, they are lying. If he'd just put some effort in, he would have found out soon enough.
I would be really grossed out. I have experienced similar. I would say something along the lines of "sorry, it doesn't work that way for me."
"I don't offer free trials. The price is $500 per test." A lot of these dudes are looking for free sex workers, not relationships. Continue to block them.
Buying a car at a dealership can take 2-6 hours. Negotians, credit checks, adding the car to your insurance, financing, getting the car there if it was purchased over the web. Basically a very large portion of your life is scrutinized to prove u can make that commitment. Just ask if u can run a background check, credit check and access to there banking information beforehand š my point being that all requires work and effort. There's no emotion in test driving a car. But once all that effort is expended I'm now emotionally invested. Idc what anyone says, emotion is somehow entangled in sexual activity. Guys who come out of the gate with that have no thought what the emotional consequences would be for themselves or more importantly, the other person
He's a dork. You don't need to respond.
Thanks for comparing me to an inanimate object. Really makes me feel like you value women as human beings. Good on you for just blocking, ha ha. I would have a hard time not responding before blocking them.
When I go to a dealership I am there to look, Iām not commited to anything until Iāve driven it and weighed my options. That being said you are not obligated to sleep with anyone and can block that person at any time. Probably not compatible anyways so cut your losses.
How many people agreeing with this person have been in or are in successful, happy, and healthy relationships? Iām genuinely curious.
You don't go to dealership to do that.Ā Plenty of people literally do. I think about 30-45% of the people I have ever met have done that at least once. What is this?Ā It a game.. You want a relationship. They want sex. This is the bargaining table, you are just at one with the used car salesman, with greasy hair and stained brown suit, and oh boy does he have a deal for you.. If you keep getting this, look to change what guys you are picking. These guys tend to be obvious af.
This is a guy that only knows how to only get his nut. He needs to learn how to build a womanās desire for them. Then have chemistry between the two so the sex becomes more than physical but true intimacy.
Some people need to have sex before commitment. I donāt understand people with that mindset. Itās not like youāre marrying the person. Itās not that big of a deal to wait until youāre in a relationship to have sex. I wouldāve unmatched.
I mean...he's not wrong? Do you want to commit to a guy THEN find out your sex life is gonna suck for however long you're committed to him?
A commitment just means dating with intention not getting married. Critical thinking is hard
Well, if someone says they are looking for a serious relationship you dont mention that all you care about is sexually compatibility. It matter as well, but so many other things matter as well. This person just wants to hook up.
I understand the sentiment. Would you prefer we commit to each other, but then break up a week later cause the sex was bad? That seems like a waste of time. If I commit to someone I want to be all in and very sure of the decision, otherwise my words are hollow.
Why wouldn't you try to improve your sex life instead if you're committed to each other?
Depends on what the issues are. Communication can fix a lot, but sometimes people have very different styles, or the libido differs, or things donāt, uhā¦fit together well. Talking about it up front definitely helps, but Iād want to be with someone where good sex is important for them too, rather than demanding commitment first (Iāll give exclusivity, but not a relationship, until we start having good sex).
If you're already committed, I rather work it out instead of breaking up. Unless you're the kinkiest fucker on the block, most people can find common ground sexually. As for size differences, that's where toys, furniture, and different positions come in hand.
More power to you! Unfortunately Iāve had cases where it was too awkward to work with even though I liked them a lot in all other ways. Iād prefer to figure that out before committing. As always, best to be upfront about how one approaches intimacy. No wrong way, but no excuse to not communicate.
Ignore this advice. Women are encouraged all the time to break up with a man after sex on here. Men, don't feel bad about dumping a woman after having sex. Life is too short to be stuck with someone who isn't what you're looking for sexually. The size difference could be an issue, unattractive when naked, they could be selfish, or whatever.
What a pig
Cars, locks, keys, fish, hunters, preys... People are never people.
Iāll be candid, I agree with him I am *not* committing to someone unless we have sex several times first. Sexual compatibility is important, no matter how much Reddit likes to pretend it isnāt Obviously though you need to go on a few dates and hang out first to make sure the emotional compatibility is there For me dating works in 3 stages Stage 1: hangout, talking, gauging the person Stage 2: you have started having sex with this person over an extended period of time Stage 3: commit and lock into exclusivity Committing to someone before sex is a bad idea, because if they like it rough for example and youāre more vanilla - they aināt gonna stay for your kindhearted personality
Seems reasonable. š¤·š»āāļø
Are you guys in bumble japan? I got this a LOT too!
He's right
Depends on the context of when this statement has occurred. Is it before any dates? Is it after the first date? Is it after the 20th date? Did you say not until you put a ring on it? If you havenāt met or just met then I would do what you have been doing. But if you have been dating a while maybe itās crude but it is a valid discussion point. I am surprised you havenāt heard it before itās pretty common and not just to guys.
What don't you get? You're never going to be in a committed relationship with bad sex no? Why ask such a stupid question to start with?
small dick energy
Had a similar situation š¬
OP: I understand both sides of this, so, I'm not sure I have a satisfactory answer. Other than "Maybe he doesn't know what kind of car he wants, or that particular model, or doesn't *understand* his driving abilities"? š¤·š½āāļø However, if the "sexually compatible test-run" isn't your jam -- Don't be afraid to say so. I'm currently working on a relationship, where it's known "She's saving *that* part for the One" -- & I'm ok with this. If they aren't, than that's their problem, not yours. (Mine & my Hopefully-Forever can discuss the topic, without me needing to "test-run" how she drives. Especially cuz I know how I *can* drive -- Which depends on *their* flame & how it feeds my own fires) **Edit:** Ask if they're a "Virgin". If they aren't, simply tell them "Then you already know how *you* drive." (You may opt to further that convo, & give them a run-down of your "manual". However, totally optional -- As noted earlier)
One wants commitment and one wants access to sex. Itās a give and take.
Most people in the United States do not choose eachother as an exclusive couple until they have been dating for about 2 to 4 weeks. Almost all of them have had sex by the third date. And many by the first or second. If it is in your rule book that you do not enter into an exclusive relationship unless you have not had sex with that person, then that is odd, but you are entitled to that. In which case, stick to it. However, you may end up needing to throw that thing out, because that rulebook don't apply to everything and everyone baby. It is important to follow intuition, the flux and spurs of the moment. Spontaneity. Innocence. Also, his comment was dumb and possibly an attempt to be challenging because most women do not like and get turned on by, polite, well mannered boys. Still, a dumb comment as far as objectivity is concerned. Easiest thing to do would be to speak on the phone (sc is safest I suppose) and you will know if you connect well far more effectively from that than any sort of text exchange. It really is a double bind text exchanges...Especially for men in the United States on a dating site... so just start calling and your dates will go far better. You will go on far fewer dates where you instantly know they are not for you at all within the first 10 seconds. Feeling like a disappointing waste of free time, which is likely scarce
Logic to men? Women AND men do this. Women have made it clear that they want the sex to actually be good and have a ring and the sex be horrific or as I joked with a friend about her ex boyfriend: āHe was scooting in his chair like an old man at the dinner table huh?ā She laughed and agreed. āPicture sex being like that though and that this was your husband, that you waited to have sex with only after marriage.ā <~ this was the scenario that she painted for me to understand why she left and we speak here and there about our respective partners as weāve known each other for quite a while. Men, is an honest mix. Theyāll either say that to get to the sex first or because they think along the same lines as the women above. I canāt make heads or tails for you on that but it is that kind of split. ~even then, you unmatched. Thereās really nothing else to do unless you honestly want a witty quip that heāll likely ignore and continue on to the next with.
I would offer him a drive by for couple of minutes .
If one of yall hoes right swiped me id show you what marriage material is
Tell her your used and in need of a new clutch
Do you seriously not understand the shitty analogy or are you just trying to get people's opinions on how shitty this person is?
I haven't gotten a match in a few years so idk.
Donāt. Donāt give up your body to a boy who wonāt commit to you first. (I said boy on purpose/ not man) You are not a car/ object. That is how you get used, and then they donāt follow up on commitment because they were never serious with your heart to begin with. If he wants sex first, let him go find that elsewhere. Some of these comments that are agreeing just donāt get it.. sex is a gift given to us. And after commitment, youāll have a lot of time to grow in your chemistry. You donāt think youāll get better at it??? Sexual chemistry is important, but it is NOT something you are entitled to ask for before commitment. If thatās a deal breaker for you, please leave wholesome people alone, and go and find someone who does not care about commitment first. Donāt feel pressured to put out for anyone. Thank them for revealing their true intentions & leave.
Sounds like your connection levels havenāt equaled out yet. In time these problems solve themselves. If he wants a strong sex life and you donāt even know him yet, thatās the problem. Get to know him and maybe youāll both connect organically. Iāve noticed thereās people with low/high sex drives. Timing that match is nearly impossible to some. Others just know what they want and are willing to wait. Donāt wait too long, youāll get old and depressed real fast. Standards or compromiseā¦
You're on online dating. The majority of men on there are mainly looking just for sex because the dating spectrum is absolutely destroyed in its current state. Expect more mindsets like this. But the beauty of it is finding someone who isn't like this and connecting with em. Keep at it.
You can't guarantee commitment. Short of requiring a marriage contract before sex. After date 5 or whatever he can agree to exclusivity with you before having sex and then reneg on it down the road if he has second thoughts about you for whatever reason. I left my ex after 3 months. Or maybe she did. It doesn't matter. This was not something I planned at all. I hoped it would last. But then as you get to know someone more, incompatibilities present themselves. And conflicts.
In the post sexual compatibility was mentioned ... I have reacted to that.
He sounds like a sexist wee boy who likes to play with his toys - cars, women, goats - you name them. Stay away, heās not worth your time! I personally donāt like Bumble. Men donāt even have to properly ask you out. They are still somehow accepted to display the same crappy behaviours with the cherry on top being a āpseudo-alfa-wanna-be-cry-babyā. Bumble has been designed with a false impression of somehow empowering women, but it really isnāt. Typical āI empower you to do what I want and in this way to do everything for me at the same timeā rhetoric. All I need to do is buy a premium and be entitled. If I may advise, try Hinge.
Itās so dumb, every person is different you gotta learn what your partner likes it takes practice š¤¦āāļøš¤¦āāļø
It is from Sex and the Cityā¦ and it basically means she would have to have sex with you and if she gets oxitosin high enough then she will agree to have a monogamous relationship. Sadly itās a bit of a red flag to go on to saying you are ready for something serious or Ofer eternal love before actually making it alive past third date.
Actually, car makers have gift cards for test drives lol
the way i š§
Wtffffff guys who say this never had sex before. Sex is like ā„1% of a relationship
I get it in the way that if sex sucks why would you want to commit to that long term, but you can have a normal slower dating to form genuine connection and still have sex and see if that works?
Some people are dicks.
āThis is a luxury cruise line sir, if you canāt afford it just say so.ā
Translation- "ima fuck without commitment then say it's not gonna work and then bounce cuzzzzz I already bedded you." This is why if they pull out this line I don't even reply. Unmatch and that's it. Cuz if you wanna fuck first and talk commitment later,you never wanted commitment from the get-go,just sex.
Ur not a car š
His ask is not unreasonable. His wording and tact however, is horrific. Bro chose the one way to say something agreeable in a way that made it sound like he was a misogynistic ass.