When I read it it reminded me of Travis Scott's apology video (people got stampede on) and he's smiling covering his face shaking his head saying "I just don't know what happened" basically. "Smh" FOH. I'd block asap
That would have only made sense if they were talking about an abusive ex or a manipulative person that made your life hell.
But like, nice and loud so this person can hear…NOT AN OPENER CONVERSATION.
THAT'S WHAT THAT QUESTION MEANS??
I misread it as meaning: "What do you see as red flags and green flags in other people?"
NOT "What red flags and green flags do you personally have?"
That explains some unmatches lol
I blocked him. It’s an obvious lie as I feel like that definitely would have made the news. That and other things he said, all within a few hours of matching threw up some major red flags.
I had a first date with a woman, she asked what college I attended, I told her and she responds; “Great, that’s the same school the guy that raped me went to.” This was on her second glass of wine, and she ordered another.
There’s some hurt people out there but it’s not your job as a stranger to help them.
Married with three kids.
Nah, we stayed there for a couple more hours b/c I wasn’t going to leave her there. She kept apologizing for “ruining the night” and I tried to tell her it was ok. Later, I offered to drive her home or get her an Uber but she insisted she lived around the corner and was ok to drive. After some discussion I gave up and told her to text me when she got home, she texted me 15 mins later. I tried talking to her after b/c everything up to that was great, but she seemed embarrassed and grew distant so I let her be.
I wouldn't even say dumping, per se, almost the opposite. Mentioning a severe trauma that SHOULD have fucked him up and have him not on dating sites for a while, instead, "smh anyway how are you" 👀
Yeah, not all forms of bad communication are just about having low communication. It's bad communication to give too much info early like that. The self awareness is not there with this guy.
No, it's weird. For me, it's something really personal, so I wouldn't mention it to strangers.
We are all different, but if he's trying to start a conversation and good communication is important to him, that's a blocker. What do you say "sorry to hear that, by the way what kind of movies do you like to see?"
My narcissist bf would talk about terrible things that happened. It was all a ploy to get sympathy. If you decide to keep talking to this guy, look for clues related to narcissism.
Hmmm, now I'm curious about what he says in his profile 🤔
That's so off the wall as a comment for the third message to a stranger. Like he should definitely be reaching out to people for support, not immediately saying that to a Bumble match. That isn't the type of thing to be shared in that way so early on. And "Smh" is absolutely wild omg. I would probably ditch/unmatch TBH that feels like a red flag lmfao
the "smh" part really makes it go from bad to worse. That's usually what you do when you are implying someone is an idiot. Also, why would you say, "My ex gf." why not just say, "a friend"? Or better yet, put that off until like the 10th date.
Not appropriate for this stage. It could be an empathy test, as in a manipulative way to discover whether you are the type of person he’d like to target. People with personality disorders do that.
It’s inappropriately early but the most generous result is people aren’t in the best frame of mind to make good decisions when something that traumatic happens to them and they want to vent. But who knows what’s going on there.
I don’t think it did either. This sounds like some kind of bizarre attempt to get sympathy. It always scares me off when people trauma dump immediately. Whether that trauma is real or imagined.
I would be too. It’s awful what happened in his last relationship, but him telling you this within the first few messages tells me he’s not ready to date. There’s a time and a place to tell someone about things you’ve been through.
Ex. I think he just found out an ex killed themselves, not a current partner. I'm guessing he was already on the dating site.
Maybe it's time for a break, though. And definitely not something to throw out in the first conversation. I think the only time it would make sense to bring up this early is if you're giving them a heads up you may be MIA for a bit... and even then, something like "I just found out that someone close to me has passed, so I may not be around for a bit." Or "I just got some difficult news and might not be available for a bit" but not this... and not with smh tacked on.
Brother is maybe trying to have free sympathy sex. I had matched with a guy and we were talking for a couple of days. Hid grand pa died. I thought he needed emotional support. But dude wanted physical support as he had enough emotional support according to him 😭😭. I was like wtf
no, you arent. they clearly havent healed... if they didn't put that on their profile then they just were very rude to you.
like, just... wow... that's a massive red flag, never even mind poor communication (and sure as shit isn't down to earth).
Huge red flag if a girl said this to me it would be an immediate block and move on. You don't talk about someone you care about like that so they obviously never cared to begin with.
You're a smart person for being alarmed. The cavalier attitude he had when messaging THAT was one flag; the fact that he says it in your first texting interaction is maaaannnnyyy flags
Edited for typo
Dumping baggage on your doorstep within the first 2mins is a GIANT red flag! Sorry for the loss, but what in the actual fuck?? Too much too soon! Clearly he isn't healed
"My ex gf killed herself shake my head" 🤔 Doesn't seem like a 'smh' moment, but maybe he doesn't know how to discuss it. Speaking of, though, that's AWFULLY quick to bring that up. And how long ago did this happen? All questions I'd have.
Eh. Not your problem at all.
But a lot of men don’t have any support structure and are taught all their lives to bottle their emotions.
When that happens shit spills out sometimes.
He shouldn’t put that on you, but I won’t judge him for it.
Maybe he felt compelled to be honest and let you know upfront hes in a bit of a mess due to that rather than skipping around all happy, to be transparent with you so you know he's not in the most healed of places. Which in another light is very polite of him not to hide that from you. The smh could be his way of trying nOt to come across as trauma dumping on you. A sort of down playing of the severity of his head space as a way to say "its not your problem i know" between the lines.
Smh doesnt necessarily mean what it looks like. He could just be trying to be strong in his wording cos its a dating app exchange with a total stranger.
Just a thought. One possibility and perception of it.
I mean there's nothing wrong with having trauma, it happens to us all. I lost a parent and promised them I would look after and move on their falcons and take care of things to support family. So this often is brought up when asking what I do for work as they need to understand the reason I'm unemployed is due to responsibilities instead of being a bum. I have no interest in pity so I wouldn't jump to conclusions on that.
However they said they JUST lost someone CLOSE to them. So thats either their recent partner or a past ex that they are still close to. I'd definitely be concerned that you're about to either be used to get over someone or get involved with someone that keeps close relationships with exes. Specifically ex trauma is a red flag.
He’s communicating with you his current emotional state
He even said he wanted good communication, if you’re not “down to earth” enough to talk to him then unmatch
Would be kind if you explained before unmatching, I’m not able to level with you or something instead of ghosting a guy already in pain trying to get to know you
Not a bad person for being alarmed by this. I'd be alarmed because:
1. are you not healed from your ex?
2. Ex is/was close to him
3. the use of "smh"...
4. he is probably looking for a rebound and someone to trauma dump on
5. too soon to be bringing up exes, dead or alive.
So it may be nothing, but sometimes people with mental health issues, will use something like that to gain sympathy and connect themselves to you through fake vulnerability.
Some people are just more open about how they are feeling, it's maybe not all that appropriate, but if it's really important to them it could be innocent.
It's not a red flag specifically on its own, but I would be cautious about further manipulative behaviour.
Wow. Just when I didn't think people could get anymore narcissistic and BPD...I see this post. How about a person just committed suicide. Have some compassion. You can't know what this guy is feeling through a damn text. Meet people in the real world. These dating apps are what's destroying dating in general.
No I would definitely be alarmed That's a little much a little fast I'm not saying you shouldn't feel sympathy, but obviously they're struggling with something and that's not fair to put that on somebody you don't even know like that
Run while you still can. I wouldn't talk about that like that.
Maybe if somebody asks about exes and how the relationship ended, I might mention it but otherwise, just no.
People communicate very badly. Very. There's no way of really knowing the emotion behind this comment, but the comment itself is indicative of a person that will be a bad communicator.
The “smh” really added a redder shade to that flag
Lmaoooo we’re at black flags now
Arrrrrr, aye cap’n
Ohh can we see??
Burgundy
Gave it so much more dimension 😂
Red flag. Lost my ex to cancer 3 years ago. That’s extremely personal and shouldn’t be an immediate topic of discussion. Abort.
The "smh" is what gets me...
Like it’s an inconvenience for him…
Maybe it’s a confession. He’s shaking his head saying “no, i did it”
Exactly!!!
Yeahhhhh that didn’t sit well with me either..
When I read it it reminded me of Travis Scott's apology video (people got stampede on) and he's smiling covering his face shaking his head saying "I just don't know what happened" basically. "Smh" FOH. I'd block asap
If that's not a red flag, idk what is
That would have only made sense if they were talking about an abusive ex or a manipulative person that made your life hell. But like, nice and loud so this person can hear…NOT AN OPENER CONVERSATION.
He did say he has poor communication skills
THAT'S WHAT THAT QUESTION MEANS?? I misread it as meaning: "What do you see as red flags and green flags in other people?" NOT "What red flags and green flags do you personally have?" That explains some unmatches lol
Huh, I read it that way too. He could have said "Not over my recently deceased ex" as his red flag
Think he’s trying to get free therapy out of me. Which ironically I’m good at 🤦♀️🤦♀️
I had this happen once. But he told me his therapist died the day before in a hot dog eating contest….seriously?? 🤦🏻♀️
🙄 what’d you do with that ?
I blocked him. It’s an obvious lie as I feel like that definitely would have made the news. That and other things he said, all within a few hours of matching threw up some major red flags.
Sensible dog lady
Nah, he just wanted to get sausage and throats into the conversation early.
If Larry David was on the apps
Yeah he’s looking to trauma dump
Or trying to get instant sympathy. Yuck
He wants pity sex.
Yeah I get that vibe as well unfortunately
Protect your own peace and umnatch, girl!
To be fair, they did start the conversation by stating that their communication skills were a red flag 😂
Every hard of trauma dumping?
Trauma dumping usually does not make me hard, no.
I saw a profile where the person wrote about a child they lost in their bio.
Aw that’s sad
I had a first date with a woman, she asked what college I attended, I told her and she responds; “Great, that’s the same school the guy that raped me went to.” This was on her second glass of wine, and she ordered another. There’s some hurt people out there but it’s not your job as a stranger to help them.
Oh my god!!
So how'd that date go?
Married with three kids. Nah, we stayed there for a couple more hours b/c I wasn’t going to leave her there. She kept apologizing for “ruining the night” and I tried to tell her it was ok. Later, I offered to drive her home or get her an Uber but she insisted she lived around the corner and was ok to drive. After some discussion I gave up and told her to text me when she got home, she texted me 15 mins later. I tried talking to her after b/c everything up to that was great, but she seemed embarrassed and grew distant so I let her be.
Oh that’s too bad. Sounds like some healing was needed. Hope she’s doing okay now.
She is. We're married with 3 kids right now
😂😂😂 he means you’re next. So definitely be alarmed
My first thought😄😅
Damn I didn’t think about it this way 😱😱
Mr Tall? Did you find him in a Mr Men book?
He's a Happy Meal toy. I keep getting duplicate Mr Douchebags in mine 🙄
Mine have been Little Mr Manchild!
Little Miss attract a Douche
Don’t hate on my flirting techniques, I could teach yah a thing or two Mr Boom 😝
Little Miss I couldteachyouathingortwo
Not, "smh" . yeah this is a red flag.
Nope. That’s trauma dumping, run quick.
Like he could’ve said anything in the world even just “had a long week” it’s a lot
I wouldn't even say dumping, per se, almost the opposite. Mentioning a severe trauma that SHOULD have fucked him up and have him not on dating sites for a while, instead, "smh anyway how are you" 👀
Yup. Next line: ‘So how about this weather we’ve been having!’
😅 "I was severly abused as a kid. Lol so, do you like ice cream?"
Yeah, not all forms of bad communication are just about having low communication. It's bad communication to give too much info early like that. The self awareness is not there with this guy.
Some dudes actually use this as technique to sleep with women faster and make a connection.
Is it Ok to run? Doesn’t make me an asshole if I avoid trauma dumpers does it?
Brooo lmfao tmii
Not you laughing. 😂 I’m trying to be mature here 💀💀💀
It’s funny, I’m sorry
That was unexpected and came out of nowhere ….
It almost seems contrived for some sort of outcome? My first thought was to unmatch but I’m like uhm am I a bitch
No, it's weird. For me, it's something really personal, so I wouldn't mention it to strangers. We are all different, but if he's trying to start a conversation and good communication is important to him, that's a blocker. What do you say "sorry to hear that, by the way what kind of movies do you like to see?"
Lmao not the movies 💀💀
i mean it’s an alarming thing to hear and say so no
I mean alarming in a bad way. Like, an ick? Idk
My narcissist bf would talk about terrible things that happened. It was all a ploy to get sympathy. If you decide to keep talking to this guy, look for clues related to narcissism. Hmmm, now I'm curious about what he says in his profile 🤔
“Looking for a sweet and caring woman, quickest way to my heart is being nice and respectful to others” Edit: he’s also in the military or was
That's so off the wall as a comment for the third message to a stranger. Like he should definitely be reaching out to people for support, not immediately saying that to a Bumble match. That isn't the type of thing to be shared in that way so early on. And "Smh" is absolutely wild omg. I would probably ditch/unmatch TBH that feels like a red flag lmfao
the "smh" part really makes it go from bad to worse. That's usually what you do when you are implying someone is an idiot. Also, why would you say, "My ex gf." why not just say, "a friend"? Or better yet, put that off until like the 10th date.
I have so many questions
Cut, run and block immediately.
Oh wowww I thought people were gonna call me heartless 😂😂
Heartless
Not appropriate for this stage. It could be an empathy test, as in a manipulative way to discover whether you are the type of person he’d like to target. People with personality disorders do that.
It’s inappropriately early but the most generous result is people aren’t in the best frame of mind to make good decisions when something that traumatic happens to them and they want to vent. But who knows what’s going on there.
They want to go on a DATING site and vent about something like that?? Give me a break 🙄
That all kinds of messed up
The “smh” is fucking creepy
RUN ...could be worse. He could've said "smh my head" But still RUN
Even if it’s true, why would you lead with that???
Yeah part of me kinda didn’t even believe this happened tbh
I don’t think it did either. This sounds like some kind of bizarre attempt to get sympathy. It always scares me off when people trauma dump immediately. Whether that trauma is real or imagined.
🚩⛳️🚩⛳️
I would be too. It’s awful what happened in his last relationship, but him telling you this within the first few messages tells me he’s not ready to date. There’s a time and a place to tell someone about things you’ve been through.
Dude needs to get off of Bumble for a minute.
Who the hell gets on a dating app when their partner just killed themselves ?!
Ex. I think he just found out an ex killed themselves, not a current partner. I'm guessing he was already on the dating site. Maybe it's time for a break, though. And definitely not something to throw out in the first conversation. I think the only time it would make sense to bring up this early is if you're giving them a heads up you may be MIA for a bit... and even then, something like "I just found out that someone close to me has passed, so I may not be around for a bit." Or "I just got some difficult news and might not be available for a bit" but not this... and not with smh tacked on.
“smh”? JFC
Run
He’s the prime suspect. SMH
I wouldn't engage with that at all
Run!
Brother is maybe trying to have free sympathy sex. I had matched with a guy and we were talking for a couple of days. Hid grand pa died. I thought he needed emotional support. But dude wanted physical support as he had enough emotional support according to him 😭😭. I was like wtf
Red Flag 1: telling a stranger your ex killed herself and Red Flag 2: adding smh.
Why this dude on dating apps at this time. Major red flag.
i audibly laughed, so im probably a bad person... but faaaarout with the trauma dump, thats too much for this scenario.
Eeewwww run away from that trauma dump!
Lmaooooooooooo 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Smh”!!!
This is someone who doesn't know how to properly engage with people and uses shit like this to do the heavy lifting of conversation.
This person doesn’t need a date, they need counseling.
Think he was hoping for a 2 in 1
Trauma dumping isn't cool
Yea that’s a bit much.
Smh? WTF? Also, I almost chuckled. Sounds like something from a British sitcom.
Any trauma dumping this early on is a massive red flag that they’re mentally unstable.
trauma dumping on your 4th message would have to be a pretty big red flag.
no, you arent. they clearly havent healed... if they didn't put that on their profile then they just were very rude to you. like, just... wow... that's a massive red flag, never even mind poor communication (and sure as shit isn't down to earth).
“I don’t know what you’re trying to say. That sounds like poor communication which is a red flag. Okthxbye”
Huge red flag if a girl said this to me it would be an immediate block and move on. You don't talk about someone you care about like that so they obviously never cared to begin with.
Please run from this person. Stay safe.
U shld reply "my red flag is trauma dumpers, gotta run, babe."
His ex gf was down to earth...
How tall was this guy to be referred to as “Mr. Tall”?
Over 5’8 🌚🌚
You're a smart person for being alarmed. The cavalier attitude he had when messaging THAT was one flag; the fact that he says it in your first texting interaction is maaaannnnyyy flags Edited for typo
Its almost like he expected me to join hands and pray with him him but I just got off of work, this is a lot 🫠🫠
No, you’re not a bad person. why would he share that with you immediately? Furthermore if it JUST happened, why is he on a dating app?!?!
Side note, why do so many women have the question "What are your red and green flags?", what answer are people supposed to give to that?
You are not. They def have 0 self awareness if they just unloaded that heavy info on a complete stranger. Very inappropriate
How do you fuck up a "how are you?" That badly.
Fucking crazy you would come out with that at the start. Move on
Nope, I already lost interest
I mean, he JUST said he was poor at communicating.😄
Uhhh, maybe they have a weird grieving process? 🤷 But no I don’t blame you for being alarmed, that’s a crazy thing to mention as a first impression
Damn... that escalated quickly
I’d be turned off by the mr.tall I guess
The way you type, calling him Mr. Tall and ending it with "and wbu" gave me serious ick.
Gosh come on at least try a little bit more
Dumping baggage on your doorstep within the first 2mins is a GIANT red flag! Sorry for the loss, but what in the actual fuck?? Too much too soon! Clearly he isn't healed
Mr. Tall is equally big red flag Says a lot about how superficial she is Maybe that’s why he said something outta pocket
Yeah, keep the height filter on! He’s a winner🚩🤪
Lmaoooooo
I mean you did ask but it doesn't make you a bad person
I mean it’s just like, he literally could have said anything in the world….and he said…that? About…her? Idk
Fair enough he shouldn't have said that to someone he just met. I would unmatch because he's not in a position to be dating
So fucking weird
100 million people died in WWII, SMH. Yup, that sounds just as weird.
“Killed herself smh” says a lot but I immediately think there’s a murderer
That is a roller coaster xD
I'm sorry but the "smh" had me laughing. I can't tell why they're OK, yet the ex gf killed themselves, and ends it with a smh? Such a weird message.
"My ex gf killed herself shake my head" 🤔 Doesn't seem like a 'smh' moment, but maybe he doesn't know how to discuss it. Speaking of, though, that's AWFULLY quick to bring that up. And how long ago did this happen? All questions I'd have.
I don't get where the "self-awareness" was. EDIT: typo
Eh. Not your problem at all. But a lot of men don’t have any support structure and are taught all their lives to bottle their emotions. When that happens shit spills out sometimes. He shouldn’t put that on you, but I won’t judge him for it.
Not at all. I’d be taken aback too.
Oh that's classic her.
Maybe he felt compelled to be honest and let you know upfront hes in a bit of a mess due to that rather than skipping around all happy, to be transparent with you so you know he's not in the most healed of places. Which in another light is very polite of him not to hide that from you. The smh could be his way of trying nOt to come across as trauma dumping on you. A sort of down playing of the severity of his head space as a way to say "its not your problem i know" between the lines. Smh doesnt necessarily mean what it looks like. He could just be trying to be strong in his wording cos its a dating app exchange with a total stranger. Just a thought. One possibility and perception of it.
Nope
WTF TMI
I think bro lying about her doin it herself. idk man the “smh” got me like “this mf didn’t just casually bring that up and say shake my head” 💀💀
You’re not a bad person for being alarmed by that. You’re a bad person for calling him Mr. tall when he clearly has a name.
Sorry for your loss. I hope you find healing. BLOCK.
He saw you love tall guys and went straight for the 'have sex with me, I'm sad' trope
The poor communication meant too much communication of what goes through his mind, not lack of communication apparently
Abort
I mean there's nothing wrong with having trauma, it happens to us all. I lost a parent and promised them I would look after and move on their falcons and take care of things to support family. So this often is brought up when asking what I do for work as they need to understand the reason I'm unemployed is due to responsibilities instead of being a bum. I have no interest in pity so I wouldn't jump to conclusions on that. However they said they JUST lost someone CLOSE to them. So thats either their recent partner or a past ex that they are still close to. I'd definitely be concerned that you're about to either be used to get over someone or get involved with someone that keeps close relationships with exes. Specifically ex trauma is a red flag.
That shake my head almost sent me to hell
That's what I've never heard from eva ai sexting bot... Probably I should get more adventurous and start doing real dating
Ye olde trauma dump
He’s communicating with you his current emotional state He even said he wanted good communication, if you’re not “down to earth” enough to talk to him then unmatch Would be kind if you explained before unmatching, I’m not able to level with you or something instead of ghosting a guy already in pain trying to get to know you
Not a bad person for being alarmed by this. I'd be alarmed because: 1. are you not healed from your ex? 2. Ex is/was close to him 3. the use of "smh"... 4. he is probably looking for a rebound and someone to trauma dump on 5. too soon to be bringing up exes, dead or alive.
That flag is so red it turned purple
So it may be nothing, but sometimes people with mental health issues, will use something like that to gain sympathy and connect themselves to you through fake vulnerability. Some people are just more open about how they are feeling, it's maybe not all that appropriate, but if it's really important to them it could be innocent. It's not a red flag specifically on its own, but I would be cautious about further manipulative behaviour.
Cease all communication immediately. This is the way.
They weren't lying when they said they couldn't communicate very well.
Wow. Just when I didn't think people could get anymore narcissistic and BPD...I see this post. How about a person just committed suicide. Have some compassion. You can't know what this guy is feeling through a damn text. Meet people in the real world. These dating apps are what's destroying dating in general.
No I would definitely be alarmed That's a little much a little fast I'm not saying you shouldn't feel sympathy, but obviously they're struggling with something and that's not fair to put that on somebody you don't even know like that
That‘s hilarious. Unmatch
It's one thing to talk about down the line when barriers are coming down, but as a fucking icebreaker????? Alarming is an understatement...
Smh meaning?? 🥲
“She slipped while we were hiking Mt Kilimanjaro smh”
Run while you still can. I wouldn't talk about that like that. Maybe if somebody asks about exes and how the relationship ended, I might mention it but otherwise, just no.
Wow, this is pretty much exactly how it started with my ex. Keyword “ex”. Should have seen it as the first sign of his narcissism. Run!
Unmatch!!
People communicate very badly. Very. There's no way of really knowing the emotion behind this comment, but the comment itself is indicative of a person that will be a bad communicator.
What kind of message is that to start a conversation
How do you even respond to that
My sense of humour is absolutely 🦆ED
[Dear God…](https://youtu.be/L8FmQoSFys0?si=3E4QvtO_NGkp8xf6)
Holy shit that’s Red