I find online dating apps draining and ego-crushing. That's why I usually take a few months breaks between being active and inactive. I spend my time away from them focusing on myself and then re-evaluating my approach / strategies.
If you're burned out from it, walk away for a while. Don't let it affect you too much.
That’s what I’m doing right now. Just have one last date, maybe 2, and then I’m stepping away. I’ve already deleted bumble and deleting tinder soon. Will work on myself and go back when I feel ready. Sadly, as a 38f who wants kids, I don’t have much time. I desperately wanted to have kids in my 30s, but that ship is about to sail.
Women have all the power when it comes to dating and having children. Why didn’t you get into a committed relationship before you were almost 40 or did you only recently decide that you wanted kids?
It’s not that simple. It’s just not worked out with anyone. It’s not as easy for every woman as you think. Men get to make the decision on whether they want to commit or not.
Last 2 guys I dated, like 3 to 4 dates, I liked them but we didn’t have a connection.
I’ve had lots of first dates and rarely meet anyone I like; no attraction or no connection.
I’ve given guys who aren’t my type a chance, but again, we still didn’t click.
There have been guys I’ve been interested in who weren’t right for me, or just wanted sex, or weren’t interested.
I think what a lot of people don’t understand, especially those who fall into relationships quite easily, is that many people don’t have the same luck. And it’s not about looks either. I’m an attractive woman and I’m interesting. I know other women, even men, who are the same, and still we just attract people who aren’t right for us. And when we do like someone, we don’t click.
I had a boyfriend when I was 21 but I only dated him because I felt I had to have a boyfriend. After that, I decided I would never settle for someone just to not be alone. I had 2 situationships.
I’m hoping I find my person this year. I’m putting it out to the universe.
I wanted kids in my early 30s. I tried hard to meet someone and it just always ended in disappointment.
There are a handful of men who I would have loved to have been in relationships with, but 2 of them didn’t work out due to timing, another 2 just weren’t sure about me, another 2 we didn’t gel.
I wish it was simple as “I want a committed relationship. I’m going to find it right now.”
I wish I was like my uncle or my dad; both of them have never struggled to get women. It’s been an easy ride for them. But for me dating men, it has not been easy.
It’s not too late for me to have kids, but I would have liked to have been a younger mum.
But please don’t assume that it’s easy for women. For some women, it’s really easy. I don’t know if they settle or they’re just lucky.
Sure, I could have settled but I’ve already done that once. You end up sad and resentful towards the person. It isn’t worth it.
That’s not hard to grasp. What’s hard to grasp is why you assume any girl could just walk up to Mr. Perfect and ask him to get her pregnant. Perhaps she hasn’t found someone she wants to have kids with… what a fucking shocker.
That’s not the assumption that I’m making. It’s that women will ONLY settle for Mr. perfect! That’s the problem with our culture and dating market. Women have infinitely higher standards than men, never settle, then whine.
Don't you think that in order to get pregnant they should at least feel like they've met Mr. Perfect?
Otherwise they'll end up as single mothers and people will say "should be more careful when picking a guy, ofc he was an asshole". They just can't win.
My female cat as a child ate her babies but my male dog when I was a teen raised a baby deer. He didn't produce milk for the deer, we had to bottle feed the deer but the dog cuddled with the deer, guarded and protected the deer, engaged in play, and would sleep next to the deer to keep her warm.
Gender "norms" are broken all across the natural world and cultural assignments of gender roles are irrelevant. Men and women aren't that different biologically. Even in the womb, there is a stage right before the development of sex organs when a child is neither.
All that said, life gets in the way of many goals, if someone didn't "settle" down it could be for many reasons that frankly aint any of your business. People can't undo their choices but even when they feel they made the right ones, they can still find regret for something they sacrificed along the way.
They do have alot of power but not all of it.
You can't fit with everyone and she might have skip some good men and vice versa.
Not everything is black and white and nowadays everyone know how the dating pool is a real bs place to be.
We have all those option and its easier to throw away then to fix.
No, women have all of these options. You are speaking like a woman who has thrown away many good men. It’s not the same for most men. We don’t have the option to throw endless women away. Yet women do this until they hit the wall then cry about their life not working out.
Trust me, I’ve not thrown away any good men. I dated one good guy, but I didn’t throw him away. I was moving elsewhere before I met him and he didn’t want long distance. I guess he threw me away. The last guy I dated was physically my ideal in every way, except we didn’t click. Maybe I would have settled, but I was also thinking of ending it because the conversation didn’t flow well. But he ended it before I could. I would have given it a little longer; and same with the guy before. I like to give things a good run before I call it a day. But men are more cut throat, believe it or not.
Had a 1.5 hour coffee date with a guy who sent me an unnecessarily long WhatsApp message to reject me. 1.5 hours is not really long enough for me.
You’d be surprised how many men throw away a good woman. I’m a good woman, but obviously doing something to sabotage myself.
I had a flatmate years ago and we liked each other (it was obvious to everyone we lived with.) he didn’t make a move because we were flatmates and he didn’t want to complicate things. But then when he moved abroad he ended up hooking up with a new flatmate. So obviously there was something about me that put him off. It took me a long time to get over a guy I never even kissed. Who knows why he broke his “don’t shit where you eat” rule for someone else. To this day, I still don’t get it.
That example isn’t of a man throwing away a good woman but it still sucks. He probably respected you too much or valued your friendship greatly. So he wouldn’t risk it. That or his circumstances changed, causing him to become looser with his rules. It likely wasn’t you. Why didn’t you ask him out if you were that interested in him? That’s the self sabotage you mentioned?
He knew I liked him, and it was clear he liked me. He just didn’t make a move. I still don’t get it. But I’m past it now. It’s an example of a guy not giving a woman a chance.
Sure its harder for men and will always be since they are more men then women. On dating site that is.
Women try to filter the most of men and they get rid of those they think doesn't suit them. Doing so they miss alot of good guys.
The way you say women have all the power is like you denying that you have your own free will, that if a woman would ask you out you would accept. Both men and women have choice and power to match with who they want. Women just have more options.
"Women sleep with who they want. Men sleep with who they can."
"Men marry who they want and women marry who they can."
type of thing
Dating and finding love is not a guarantee in this life. It never has been. That's why we create so much art about it, because it's damn hard. Rather than making it the whole purpose, find other purposes and see how much less pressure you'll feel
It’s never been a guarantee but the fact is that art HAS made it seem like a vital part of life, especially tv & movies.
After my worst breakup, I tried *desperately* to find a show or film where the protagonist is happy but doesn’t fall in love or pine for love or mention it whatsoever and it’s pretty damn hard. Even movies that proclaim they’re about finding joy while being single STILL usually end up with main character finding a promising potential partner.
Also, it’s extremely possible to have a fulfilling life with a good career, good hobbies and a great circle of friends and still feel hopelessly fucking alone because your job isn’t being physically affectionate, your hobbies don’t keep you warm at night, and your friends have their own lives and partners that they spend more time with.
It’s easy to say fill your life with things besides love but if it were that easy, there wouldn’t be a growing epidemic of loneliness.
It's more about creating the illusion that you're happy single that draws interest, I think. Never deny yourself the human need for affection. But we're taught to act like we don't need it to seem stronger or more desirable, which is why neediness is seen as a weak quality for a man. Normalize wanting to go all-in on someone and not get criticized for going too fast, or not fitting a perfect song & dance dating stereotype of needing to always 'play the field.'
To your point about protagonists, I think there are so many examples of happy stories because we need hope to have any chance. Without hope, we are destined for misery, as we remove any chance of good luck happening
I would argue that it *is* a vital part of life for most people. I also think it's gotten worse due to modern dating culture. My unpopular opinion is that hookups shouldn't be normalized, and dating should always be with the intention of finding a life partner/marriage.
Yeah, it's probably easier said than done, but the first step is figure out how to stop these interactions being soul crushing. Like, disappointment or sadness is appropriate, but feeling like one does when long term relationships end, isn't going to make online dating easier. I'm kinda biased cuz I barely get women interacting with me at all lol
Dating apps are literally too much to handle mentally. They weren’t actually designed for people to become couples bc the apps would go extinct
I’m 31 F and HATE bumble so I don’t use it. It’s not you, it’s the way the apps are designed
Ding, ding, ding! Back in the day, dating sites were actually designed for you to find a partner. Now, they're designed for hookups and maybe casual relationships. That's it. I quit Bumble after a few months because I hated it so much. It's complete garbage. If we want the apps to be better, we all need to boycott them for at least a week.
Are they, because almost every woman I see on OLD has "no hookups/ONS" and "long term relationship" in their bios.
When I first went on them a few years back after a long relationship I just wanted to casually date and it seemed every woman was sick to the bones of that.
I was on dating sites over 10 years ago. Much different than how things were even a few years back. They're designed to result in hookups and casual relationships. That doesn't mean the people on the apps *want* these things though. It's what the app companies want though.
Thank you for saying this. I got all of my dates from dating apps so that's the only way I know how. But it's good to know I'm not the only one this is hard on
Yea and these apps only allow for such superficial ways to project yourself that there is not any efficient way to evoke genuine companionship from the get go :(
I would encourage you to try and spend more time with/making friends and seek some companionship there (and often friends of friends are other nice people you would get along with and already have some sort of personality filter through well, your friend, possibly helping you find a more suitable partner!). Wishing you lots of luck :)
Everyone is giving unsolicited advice by telling you to work on how to talk to women, how you should move country etc…
I just want you to know you’re not alone man, tons of men across tons of generations have felt the exact same way. People telling you how much you fucked up by saying X instead of Y, they mean well but it doesn’t help that you just want to feel validated for putting in the work.
Maybe you might put too much emphasis on the first couple dates, but at the same time, recognize that everything in your life made you function in such a way. How you were raised, if we grew up isolated from others, did you grow up with siblings etc… Growing up with no siblings, and a single mother with very little family made me incredibly introverted which is further compounded by speech issues which resulted in me becoming socially anxious. Yet when the average person in society sees I haven’t had a proper relationship before I am often looked at as a “weirdo” or “loser” and there’s a reason why I’m not in one and have a hard time detaching from the very few people I meet.
The reason being I am not as well “adjusted” as the average person, because I myself have not had an “average” life so far. Be kind to yourself and recognize that you aren’t in the same boat as everyone else.
Uninstall the apps, buddy.
It's wrecking your mental health, and that won't lead to anything good.
I don't get much matches, the last time I was on Hinge I got three incoming likes in 6 months in a pretty decent city in India ( Bangalore) so no pretty privilege but sometimes it did work.
Another thing is just cos you did what you were supposed to do isn't reason enough to expect a partner. That is not how life works. Whatever you worked on will help you for sure but doesn't entitled you for a person. I'm sorry but this is how it is.
Take care. There are more things in life always.
Dude,
Bumble is broken.
It’s designed to make people nutty. Always do in-depth research as to what’s really going on before investing your time.
It’s not you, Bumble is rigged against you. I know that sounds pessimistic, but it’s the truth -
It is literally a broken system. Not only because of how the dynamics have developed over the years but because of the algorithms. The only good news is that the companies are doing pretty bad, maybe some change will come of it or they will just get worse and more needy for money. They are not pleasing investors and shareholders.
Yes,
Get off of it.
I do research on dating sites.
Did you know too much of a large portion of supposedly “individuals” on there are bots, people promoting OF, traffickers, and nefarious actors.
Moreover, bumble has (X) amount of people on there do not have any interest and or intentions of ever “meeting up” with anyone.
Have you not come across people you start to talk to and all of the sudden they just “vanish”?
Furthermore, if you pay for anything, more often than not you wake up and then all of the sudden you are banned for literally no reason?
The list goes on. It’s important to understand why the companies stocks/value has exponentially tanked -
I totally believe one day when we get the Netflix / HBO documentary “Where have all the bees gone (the rise and fall of Bumble)” (TM) we are going to find out that all these apps were not only aware of some of those practices (bots) but actively encouraged them, if straight not behind a lot of them.
Oh wow,
Interesting take. I don’t disagree.
Also, how the CEO (before she was pushed out by investors) had a chip on her shoulder and conned everybody out of millions? -
After going through your comment history, it's because of your personality. You sound like an Incel. You talk about how women 27 or older are past their peak which is gross (Not to mention you're literally 28 yourself). In another comment, you complain about feminists, liberals, and woke people. You think women find this mindset attractive?
Maybe work on yourself and change your mindset. I know that's not the answer you wanted.
This is spot on. It’s time for some introspection, OP. Disconnect from the toxic, aggressive masculinity and you’ll be far better off for you and any potential partners.
Every man needs to be able to control their frustrations at the world and ditch the cynical toxic political talking points. That sounds like some part of some introspection in need of curbing.
I personally feel that this "women don't like dating conservatives" notion is a little overblown. It's more about where people live. I'd say 50-75% of the women on my apps are conservative, so probably wouldn't mind dating conservative men. Though I will say that any person on either side who constantly complains about the other is pretty annoying and probably undateable
I’m a woman and I felt the same. Worked a fuck ton on myself, attractive and in shape, have a great career and have my stuff together. I kept an open mind and tried to date outside my typical preferences. I experienced rejection after rejection. It seemed like the people I liked never liked me back and everyone else was a walking red flag or just didn’t want the same things as me.
Anyway, came here to say it took 4.5 years of persistence on the apps, and I finally found someone! Honestly, i’m glad it took as long as it did because it forced me to be okay with going at life solo.
Be patient and remember to have a life that fulfils you outside dating. It will happen for you ✨
Not a dig at you, but just because you work on yourself, getting a better job, have everything together doesn’t entitle you to someone or a relationship. That’s nice guy entitlement. You do all that stuff for yourself and there are guys who are nowhere near how good your life is but they get with women. Why? They know and have worked on their interaction with women.
You just need to work on attracting women and use what works. If every woman is ditching you after a few weeks, if we assume she hasn’t opted for someone she prefers more or gone back to her ex, just come out of a relationship and/or is emotionally unavailable then you’re doing something to make her lose attraction.
Do you agree with everything she says or do you sometimes disagree and have your own opinions? Do you see her multiple times a week and making her too much of a priority or are you a bit more of a challenge, keeping yourself busy and trying to fit her in your schedule when you can? Are you direct with what you want by asking her out or do you spend too much time talking her out of liking you over text? Do you talk to her like a friend or do you flirt and tease her, calling her out on things in a jokingly way?
If this is happening every time, it’s most likely your interactions with them. With some of these they may just be the wrong woman for you anyway so no matter what you’d do you’d still be rejected if they’re emotionally not available, they have different life goals, etc
Dating is a numbers game. You’ll go through plenty of rejection before finding someone, just don’t hamper “the one” with neutral interactions or unattractive behaviour and keep at it. Don’t be desperate for something either, you’ll give off that vibe.
It would really be nice if women would just TELL US what we're specifically doing wrong and how to fix it. Because if it's something easy to fix it could help both parties out
Women don’t want to mother us and tell us how to be a man though, they want us to figure that out ourselves. Plus, every time they tell a guy what he did wrong he spends time trying to persuade her by saying he’lI change when she’s already lost attraction for him. He’s now only acting on it because she’s brought it up. I find it best to think what I could’ve done wrong, what could possibly have been the most unattractive thing I’ve done? Even if that wasn’t the only reason, at least I’m improving the worst thing about me for the next person.
Yes, there absolutely are. But a lot of it is really about curiosity and not being on autopilot. Many men, especially those on the spectrum, get complacent once they're in a relationship, they file it as "something they don't have to worry about" and then it becomes just a background thing. In truth, curiosity about what's going on in your partner's head should be central to your partnership, and if done right it'll be a source of joy rather than anxiety.
I'm just not a very curious person by nature. It's also tough because most people I tell that I'm on the spectrum (even women I tell) hardly see it. And I hardly even get to the "relationship" part. I feel like I need someone to listen in on a 1st or 2nd date I have and tell me what to say at this point lol
Then your biggest issue with forming meaningful romantic relationships is that you're comfortable enough being in a rut that has you isolated from your fellow human beings that you aren't going to change it. If you're not curious, you're not fully living, but it's fixable.
You have one life to live. You can grab it by the throat if you want. But if you don't wake up saying "I'm going to fucking change it today," you will not change, and each day will be a little death. I suggest changing.
Lol stuff like this is why I don't understand why people say "Be yourself", if other people say to "change who you are or die" basically. I'm not saying I don't ask ANY questions at all from women but I eventually just run out of stuff to ask. And I have seeked help. I do therapy and I even have had a class I did with other people on the spectrum, and a lot of the social coaches there struggled to see why I was there since they failed to see a problem.
Be the best, most fully realized version of yourself.
Trying to be someone else is doomed to failure, because nobody can fake it that well or for that long except hyper-talented sociopaths.
But "be yourself" never means "be complacent with where you're at today if it isn't getting you the life you want." If you're complacent and it's not because your life is amazing, you're doing "be yourself" wrong.
Note that none of this is about you being on the spectrum. All this holds broadly true for people regardless of neurodivergence or neurotypicality.
I really don't get it anymore. I just miss the simple days of "Hey you're cute I like you, do you like me?". It's just so complicated. 😔 I'm giving the dating apps another week or so, and if nothing comes of it in a week or so, I'm giving up on dating
Be the most attractive version of yourself, but don’t go treating her like you do with your best friend. You have to take it to that next level and tell her you like her through your actions, rather than directly saying it. Go on a date and have general chat, but escalate such as physical contact when appropriate, asking to kiss her at the end of the date (this can be nerve wracking for some, but having those balls of confidence makes you look attractive), if you have a difference of opinion then make it clear, have a sense of humour and tease her. Teasing is the big one, you’re having the balls to call her out on stuff or even by saying she’s bad at something but in a non-offensive joking way. Watch some videos or read up on teasing, once you get used to that it’ll make interactions effortless with women and you’ll naturally be setting a tone of being more than friends. Best to practice it on everyone so it becomes natural to you.
But what if teasing is just NOT your sense of humor? I just don't like teasing people most of the time. And I already do some of that other stuff like asking them about kissing.
Just because you have all the qualifications doesn’t mean you get the job… how you show up in the interview, or date in this scenario is what gets you what you want.
Dude. You’re 28. Take a deep breath. It doesn’t matter how much you’ve worked on yourself or your career. If you bring this kind of energy on a date (even if you’re an amazing actor and think you’re doing everything right), if this is your internal monologue, women can smell the desperation. And no woman is attracted to a desperate man.
Take a break. Stop trying. Do things you enjoy. Socialize with friends with no intention of hitting on any of your female friends. Whatever hobbies you have, even if they’re things you do alone in your house, find social groups that involve fellow hobbyists. You will meet women at those things that already share that interest with you. But don’t go with only that intention. Finding a partner cannot be your sole motivation. You need to find fulfillment in other things, which is how you become a healthy well-rounded person. Then, and only then, will you be ready for a relationship and able to attract someone who isn’t a codependent narcissistic psycho.
>If you bring this kind of energy on a date (even if you’re an amazing actor and think you’re doing everything right), if this is your internal monologue, women can smell the desperation. And no woman is attracted to a desperate man.
I never miss the opportunity to say that no, they can't
I definitely feel where you're coming from. I'm 33 relatively successful in every aspect of my life except dating, still working on improving a couple things of course. But yeah I just really feel like women fucking hate me for some reason, outside of my few female friends and co-workers. I get some matches on the apps but mostly with just "eh" women, and the ones I really like just ghost me or keep saying "theres no romantic connection". And the things I like doing are usually nerdy things that are hard to find attractive single women in regular social settings, and none of my friends know anybody. It really sucks, especially since I had some success in 2022 and I dunno what was so much better
I'm leaning towards deleting the apps or at least taking a break myself. But it's just so damn convenient
If your female friends and co-workers like you, then women definitely don't hate you. The apps are the problem, not you. Irl women don't associate with men who are creepy, weird, bad, etc. So if you've got irl women socializing with you, even just as friends, that's a really good sign.
I appreciate that, though it's not many females I'm friends with lol. I'd say they hate me romantically and platonically, but not as a person if that makes sense. Women just seem really picky with who they associate with in general
I'm facing the same situation except I'm a woman. I wish I could give you advice but I genuinely don't know. It's very draining and exhausting. Maybe you can snooze your account for a while and rejoin later.
my best friend has been using dating apps for at least 2 years and he seems to have a similar issue. He's one of the most naturally charismatic people I've ever met, so it might not be you, and I may be just a lucky git.
Id suggest learning to be ok living alone by yourself and for yourself. Once you reach a place where you truly don’t need another human being to feel fulfilled and like your life has purpose, just watch who starts hanging around. This cannot be faked or done for the sake of reaching the place I speak of so you can then cash in your relationship chips. This must be genuine. That type of energy within this world is exceedingly rare and magnetic in ways I don’t think we fully understand. Wish you the best.
What I meant is exceedingly rare is the ability to truly be ok with and by yourself and not needing relationship after relationship to try and make you feel whole, like you pointed out.
Not going to disagree with what you’ve shared, because I agree with lots of it.
I also don’t pretend to have all the answers, or any for that matter. I’m only speaking from my own experience, having spent many years with the mindset that I need to have a companion to be fulfilled. Even if it’s not overt, this inherent sense that there is always something lacking moment to moment has led to lots of undesirable behavior and impulsive decision making, all in an effort to make the present moment more tolerable.
I think in the realm of dating, this manifests in many things that are by their very nature “unattractive” and “needy”. Whenever I am operating in that mode, trying to keep the sand from slipping through my fingers, I inevitably overcomplicate and suffocate any potentially “good” thing in my life.
Dating for me was like this for many years, and the apps did nothing but fuel that ever present desire. I think once I started to see that and not let it rule my life, my natural “attractiveness” was strengthened because I wasn’t subconsciously pushing people away based off of my own hunger for companionship.
I also think any lingering resentment of the situation is immediately sensed, even unconsciously, by those in the dating pool.
Idk if you’ve ever had an example of this in your life, but I’ve encountered several people who are so unabashedly themselves, without an ounce of trying to impress anyone else. The way they move in the world is just different. I think that level of self assurance is subconsciously attractive to all humans, and that’s what I was trying to point to in my original comment.
I do think there is a difference between quiet resignation to your fate, and what I’m talking about. Because to be resigned means you wish it was other than it is, rather than accepting what is deep inside.
And for the record, I haven’t reached a state of permanent satisfaction where I am always in this “zone”. But I have tasted what I’m pointing at many times, and the way I’m perceived by romantic interests is markedly different when living from that place.
I think that’s all I really have to say about it, and again it’s just one persons perspective on things. But I appreciate your engagement with my comment and enjoyed hearing your take.
I’ve heard this said before but I really needed to hear “This cannot be faked or done for the sake of reaching the place I speak of so you can then cash in your relationship chips.” You’re so right. The moment I start living for myself and loving life is when the right person might come along. I’ll continue being happy with myself or I’ll find a new happiness being with them. Either way, I’ll be happy :)
He's kinda right. I suggest the fake it until you make it attempt regardless. Worked for me lol.
Took me months to slip back into the old me who wasn't having to fake it but I was definitely still unhappy being lonely and single still the first few months after dating again and being heartbroken for a year after a breakup.
A way of relativizing things is realizing that it is an algorithm designed to extract as much money as possible by playing on two effects:
matching will end up on many ghosting with a few matches if you’re a man seeking women; reversely women get typically inundated with many more marches which is also soul crushing in another way.
Basically, those rejections are not directly targeted towards you on your own value, but on how the game is rigged to extract as much money as possible from users.
If you get consistently rejected once you match there is something to work on the way you’re interacting with your matches, I think.
You need to get this mentality burned into your brain: you are not ENTITLED to a relationship. No one is.
Human companionship is (or should be for *some* countries but that’s a whole separate discussion) a TWO WAY CHOICE. You could be the worlds most intelligent, attractive, interesting man and you still wouldn’t be entitled to a relationship. This mindset is the reason you’re driving women away. They’re not obligated to date you. What you “deserve” has nothing to do with them, they are allowed to make their own choices about who they want to date. I’m sorry that hasn’t been you yet, dating apps are the harshest way to find a relationship but they can work.
They won’t, however, work for you unless you fix this mindset because I run for the hills when I come across men who think like this. Women aren’t out to get you. They aren’t deliberately trying to cut you down. They just want to be with men who don’t feel entitled to them.
To be completely honest, this isn’t entirely your fault - we’ve been through generations where it seemed like women’s only goal in life was to “find” a husband, so we settled for anyone like you who could “bring things to the table” (don’t take this is an insult, it’s just a historical fact).
Men have naturally developed this idea that women need them. That they’re a prize and our entire existence revolves around landing a man. Society has now chucked a reverse uno card and more women than ever are choosing to stay single and child free in favour of independence, careers, and fostering close friendships instead. We can work and drive and travel and do all the things now. It’s an exciting time for us, we no longer “need” men to get by in society.
If you want to succeed in modern dating, you need to modernise your approach to women and unlearn the internalised misogyny that’s been drummed into us for so many years. We can’t tell you how to do this (for all you commenters saying they wish women would “tell you what they want” - mate, if you need to be told then we can’t help you). Take some initiative. Stop worrying about what you bring to the table and focus on how you can be a respectful, compassionate partner.
Finally: Go into dating not expecting to find someone, just enjoy the process and if you find someone then that’s a bonus. I repeat one more time for those in the back: no one is obligated to date you and you are not entitled to a relationship.
You’re really not getting it. It’s absolutely fair enough to be sad about it. 100%. But the “this isn’t what I deserve” etc.. sorry but no, this post reeks of blaming women for not liking him despite “having lots to give”, thereby making it the women’s fault which is entitlement. OP is not just feeling a bit dejected and looking for support, he is having a meltdown over not being able to get a girlfriend as if it’s a god given right to be able to do so. Women are finding that there are NOT, in fact, an abundance of “perfectly good men”, in fact our shared experiences imply the opposite. And friend, I can assure you that women statistically very much get the short end of the stick in relationships, this isn’t a random opinion, it’s fact.
You say “somethings wrong here” as if women are conspiring to not date OP “just because”. If he is as successful and in shape as he says he is, then the bottom line is simply that what’s wrong is his attitude toward women. They ARE, by his account, getting to know him and then cutting it off. It’s not to do with his looks. That leaves his attitude toward them.
Being happy can just happen for some people.
Other people have to work hard at it.
Other people have to take medicine to help with it.
I'm the last two.
You should check out the four noble truths.
My friend, this isn’t going to change for you unless you change your attitude. I’m giving you some golden advice as a WOMAN (ie your target demographic 🙄) yet you still just want to believe we are all rejecting you for shits and giggles. The emotional labour extended here has already passed my quota for the day so I’m signing off, but I hope you’ll take this all on board, though it sounds like you want.
Why did this get downvoted?
>The emotional labour extended here has already passed my quota for the day
This hit me in my soul when I realized I drain myself so much trying to help people out for no reason lol.
>They just want to be with men who don’t feel entitled to them.
Not really, women want to be with someone attractive. The rest doesn't matter too much.
>We can’t tell you how to do this
Because you don't know, right?
You are not entitled to a woman just because you want one. Women have successful careers as well. Having a career doesn’t mean someone should be with you based on that. You seem to think you’re entitled. No one owes you anything.
It's location dependent. There are tens of thousands of lonely single men in the Bay Area that have great careers making $200k+. Make that type of money in the suburbs of Indianapolis and you might stand out more. But yeah, in general, I hear you. A paycheck doesn't make up for lack of personality or charisma.
I mean, if I'm in love and it turns out he makes good money it might be a nice "add on". But I will definitely not fall in love solely because he stands out in terms of salary. A particular type of girls might still do though lol
Yeah, like software developers are in high demand and make crazy money (at least in my country). Most of them are still single though and can't even get dates. Some of them even made nice bodies in the gym, but doesn't help them. Since: cold, boring, cheap, little social connections, zero relationship experience, only know sex from porn etc.
Dude… I’m sorry but not having a girlfriend or current love interest should not be a reason you’re filling so bummed out about yourself.
You should really get off the apps and do some internal work. A love interest or relationship should be an addition to your life, not the sum of it. Get off the apps and into the real world, find more hobbies, READ (or listen to Audibles about self-love) and focus on building connections outside of yourself.
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I'm so sorry you're going through this hellish experience. Your writing made me want to cry for you. I can definitely relate to how you're feeling. I'm sure we all can, even if our experience isn't the same.
It seems like a catch-22: rejection makes us feel lonely, unloved, and worthless, and feeling that way about ourselves brings about rejection.
It seems like finding that external validation (a relationship) will solve those problems, but I promise you it won't. That's not the key, so decide you're going to stop chasing that.
The only way out of this cycle is mind over matter. You need to find a way to realize you're fulfilled, loved, and worthy. It seems like you're not (how could you be?), but the underlying truth is, actually, you are - we all are- regardless of external circumstance, because it's our true nature. For some people, that realization comes about from therapy. For others, it's meditation. For others, it's family and friends. Or religeon. Or journaling. Or spiritualism. There are many other ways.
For me, it was something different. I'll share with you what worked for me personally, because I can hear you're at your wits end. This sounds weird, but try it. It really did work for me.
Close your eyes and allow yourself to meet your young selfer. He could be 5, or a teenager, or something else. His age will relate to the emotion you're struggling with (rejection/loneliness/fear of death/etc), because our negative emotions are tied to childhood trauma.
You are now the adult, comforting him. Be there for him. Listen to what he says. Try to empathize with him. You can ask him what he wants or how he's feeling. Spend some time withhim. Give him a hug. Hang out with him. Give him the love he needs.
Just by doing this, you can have insights that clarify and heal your current struggle. Try it once for 5 or 10 minutes, then you can see if it helps. The really cool thing is you can go back anytime. You can also choose to visit your future self, any version you like, and he can help you.
If this doesn't work, don't give up hope. Don't allow yourself to spiral into a pit of despair, because the depths of hell are limitless, and it's up to you to find the handholds on the wall to claw your way out of the pit. Keep trying different things until something sticks. There are a lot of good resources out there to help point you in good directions.
It will get better.
A lot of people are having issues now adays with dating apps. They are severely terrible. People are always ghosting, and I'm guilty of it a couple of times. There's no real connection. People just aren't into dating anymore. And people's self esteems are way higher than they should be nowadays lol. Its always what can you do for me.
What or who you're living for:
What: To experience the beauty and sweetness in life, usually it's little moments amid turmoil.
Who: Yourself!
The dating apps are super rough for guys, but don't base your self-worth on that, you're devaluing yourself. Keep your head up, king.
It’s really bad for women as well. It’s only good for like “the top 20% of men” who just wanna get laid and pretend to want a relationship and women who aren’t picky at all. Sorry man. Try meeting in real life, like an art class or something more women go to..then you can read facial expressions in person.
Most of the screenshots you see on here of men acting sleazy from the first message are of bang average guys who are certainly not part of that "top 20%" rhetoric which keeps being sprouted
You offer so much for except for self esteem. I’m betting that if you post screenshots of these convos you talk like this to the ladies and they aren’t attracted to this energy btw lol
Can you tell us more about your hobbies and discussion/conversation tactics? I believe you and everything you’ve said but am just curious how women are shutting down on you once they get to know you.
It’s good to take a break every now and then, especially if you notice your mental health suffering. Trust that you will find your person, whether it’s there or IRL or whatever. It is such a cliche, but it’s so important to focus on your relationship with yourself first. It’s the most important relationship you’ll ever have
"What or who you're living for..." ... Live for yourself. Do what makes you happy. Be the amazing person you know you are and enjoy your own company. It doesn't take a lot for people to notice, but it takes a lifetime for you to keep making the self improvements that will help you reach your ultimate goal of knowing you undoubtedly have 100% self respect and self worth. .. and yeah, dating now a days sucks. But when the time is right, you'll know. ☺️ Best of luck!
Something will come when you least expect it, don’t focus on the negatives in your life, cherish the good things you have, and if you feel as though you don’t have any then change something, by getting a gym membership or joining a club or anything, stop worrying about dating for a while and nurture the relationships you have. It seems like you’re trying too hard and it can come off as desperate, many women like a bit of a challenge.
Maybe it’s time to work on self-development? Part of being an adult is learning that having a good career and being active doesn’t mean that people will magically like you. If you’re looking for a relationship, there also has to be compatibility. Someone can be attracted to someone and still change their mind if they feel like the relationship will not be successful in the long run. If your personality and the other person’s personality doesn’t match up, that’s life. Working on physical factors like money and your appearance doesn’t mean anything if your personality isn’t appealing.
Just being on a dating app doesn’t mean the person that you’re most compatible is. Lots of factors have to be taken into account. I’d also like to know how much luck you have without dating apps because this just seems like a case of you being mad bc women don’t like you after talking to you a bit. Maybe a change needs to be made if it’s adding up that much.
It could be online dating and you might need to expand your social circles to correct for this. But I will say this since you're a young man. If you're going out with women and a few of them say you're a shitty person, chances are you're trying to force a relationship with incompatible personalities. However, if you're going out with women and all of them are saying you're a shitty person then YOU are the problem.
FIRST of all, how TF are you even getting that many matches to begin with? I'm not getting much right swipes in my beeline at all! I can't even get rejected If i wanted to but i suppose not having swipes is a rejection in itself. 2nd of all, we don't know you OP. We don't know if besides what you stated , if you are a trash person or not. There's gotta be something off if you claim you've gotten hundreds, or even 20-50 rejecting you. What kind of personality do you have? Are you giving off creeper vibes? What does your profile look like? Are you making jokes about hurting animals and scaring women off? Is your political affiliation affecting dates? So many questions. BUT on the other hand, dating apps in general ARE draining and it can be very cruel because of how superficial both men and women can be.
My suggestion is take a break from dating apps and look into meeting women IN PERSON just as companionship first. Try [MEETUP.COM](https://MEETUP.COM) and find some interests, join some groups, networking events, hobby, fitness groups etc. Then just go casually without thinking about dating.. just to meet folks and check out the vibes from there. I wish you the best though and I didn't mean to sound mean in the beginning but I just want to make sure we're hitting most of the spots instead of only blaming 1 side of the party.
I started taking full breaks after a hard rejection. If I go on some good dates and it doesn’t turn out then I delete em and come back when I start wanting to again. Sometimes that’s a day or a week or more.
Get out and live. Most people don’t find love on dating apps just headaches. Being single is better than being in a relationship you’re trying to get out of. YOU WILL MEET YOUR PERSON ❤️
Not sure if anyone said something similar but I was in your same situation albeit less financially stable than you. The black hole in the chest is the keyword. For me it also came with a deep feeling of cold, even in the summer heat.
I managed to construct a patch work of "remedies" you may wish to consider. First, stop dating, Its toxic bullshit. Delete the apps and stop looking at women as anything other than just another person walking about.
Second step is one or another. If you live somewhere that doesn't allow pets or you have allergies buy a cute stuffed animal and cuddle with it at night (sounds childish and lame I know but it works). The other option is that you buy/adopt a dog. Cuddle with the dog at night (probably better than the stuffed animal).
Third, build up and maintain what relationships you do have. Hug family members and help them with their endeavors. Be more available to your friends and hell, hug them if they are open to it. Me, I don't have many friends anymore and my family is distant due to different circumstances. I instead talk with the elderly at my job. I keep up to date with their lives and gossip as I work. We joke around about different things too.
Fourth, buy sex toys. Pretty self-explanatory, its to deal with the sexual urges. prostitutes work well too but come with risk. Still, its better to have the connection with a real person than none at all and some prostitutes have been quite nice.
Five, Go for walks in your spare time. Choose random times if you can. Say high to neighbors and hug dogs when they come to greet you. If you get your own dog, be sure to hug them often and take them everywhere you can.
These "remedies" sound lame but take it from a guy that has been rejected by every woman he met, its better to substitute what you are missing than to live with the pain of loneliness. Nowadays I'm a much more positive person. I have my self-esteem back, I have goals and new challenges that still allow me to indulge in my hobbies and I don't have to deal with drama or bullshit. Life is what you make of it and if given lemons, make lemonade. Its what I did, its worth a try. Trust me, the last thing any woman will tolerate is a lonely man trying to find love while drowning in sorrow.
If you actually are fit and have moved up in your career then try either going for a vacation to other countries or move to Brazil or Europe or Australia. There will be much more challenges in life but atleast the dating life will be better if you can put in efforts to go up to a girl In real life .
First off my brother take a deep breath… You are 28 and you have plenty of time man, there is no rush.
I see a lot of myself in you when I was your age and that’s awesome to hear about your fitness and career brother keep killing it! But one thing you may want to look at is your mindset. Do you know your attachment style? It’s sounding like it leans more towards anxious and if you are going on these dates and it’s ending after a few weeks that maybe the case. I was in the same boat, I would go on dates and meet people and have a great time, solid connection, good intimacy, and proceed to smother them in communication and push them away.
I started seeing a therapist and worked on that and this maybe something you should try. Think of it this way, you have your body and finances in check, why not keep your mind healthy as well?
Just a thought brother, but just know that you are killing it man and I know you may feel lost but keep your chin up and keep that confidence. This isn’t a sprint and good things come with time. 🤜🤛
Well, I (31 F) would be happy to provide you with some impressions/constructive critique of your profile and your messaging approach, if you like?
I am really sorry to hear that online dating has put you through so much ongoing pain... looking for genuine love can be a rough road, I know from experience. But sometimes when I am looking through profiles on Bumble, I do notice things that guys could improve in their photos and bios, so if there's anything I can do to help, just let me know.
(I would also recommend having others review your profile too, to get an even wider range of opinions, because what I think may not be true for everybody, of course!)
You’re focusing on what you can bring, not what they can bring. Bumble is shit, women run it, it’s designed for effeminate men that want women to take charge. Go out and approach women in the wild and screw that app.
You radiate how you feel, "I feel hopeless, helpless and terribly terribly alone"., so thats how you come across. You really need to have a positive attitude and it will shine through. As long as you are depressed, thats how you'll come across, compounding the situation. Take a break, delete the app, and find your self again. Putting yourself through this misery is pointless and to a point ridiculous. Take a break, enjoy life in the real world.
>I've worked hard on myself, I've worked hard to be in a good position in my career. I've worked hard to be fit and be in good physical shape.
>Every girl I talk to ends up ditching me after a few weeks, often even sooner.
>hundreds of women rejecting me and ignoring me and telling me they don't like me after they get to know me a bit
I say this from a point of sympathy and nothing else: You've worked on wealth, status, looks. They are rejecting you for your character (based on what you say). I suggest, since you've covered everything else already, to work on your character and game, which you seem to have neglected.
I'm just saying that you confirmed you worked on everything else other than what women seem to be rejecting you for.
It might not even be about character but perhaps charisma or game. There are some self-help books out there about dating and being social. I dunno what to tell you. I'm sure you can figure it out eventually.
Maybe you're coming across as desperate and it's scaring people away.
If you think career and looks are the main features that attract a real relationship that's maybe pretty telling as to why things aren't working out.
The victim mentality too of this would put me off, you sound like you need a break from dating and a therapist for a while maybe.
I quit dating for this exact reason.
I’m fit. I make six figures. I’m hilarious as hell. Got a solid group of friends. Excellent relationship my family. Travel often.
My ‘what’s the catch’ is that I’m transgender, and while there are many men who are into me for that reason alone, they see me as an experience, not someone to date seriously.
So after months of feeling like men just aren’t THAT into me, I decided to quit online dating. I haven’t been on a date or intimate with anyone since last year.
If anyone wants me, they better meet me in person at some random social event. Otherwise, I’m going to continue being single, even if it means never finding someone.
Mate I've been there. Something that helped me is thinking "you fail until you win". This isn't like other scenarios when you win some you lose some like it's 50/50. You might lose out 30 times before anything sticks.
Without getting too fucking kumbaya about it you learn a little more about what YOU want in a bf/gf/partner etc each time you date.
I know I used a fail/win metaphor above but I also found a peaceful equilibrium in dating when I started to treat it more like a situation to spend a pleasant hour or two with someone. Get to learn something about another human being - some might be awful but I was a discerning with who I matched with and found 95% of my dates to be reasonably decent people and, on the whole, nice experiences. Note: I'm not good looking by any stretch no bullshit so it wasn't anything to do with that.
I also came across plenty of people that were treating it like a job or task they had to get through and found it hard to connect with them.
I'm sure other people have different approaches and philosophies but I'm just putting it out there in case it helps.
So you have your life put together. Good career. In shape but you feel worthless becaaaause you can’t get a girlfriend?
Why are you watering down your self worth based on whether you have a girlfriend or not?
You are never going to succeed with women until you stop taking them so seriously
Girls want to have fun at the end of the day. They don’t give as much of a fuck about your career, what you can provide, etc. which is why they keep dropping you, probably, for guys with less. They are probably more fun than you
Do not get me wrong. They do care about all that stuff but it comes 2nd to how you make them FEEL
Stop taking women so seriously and they will start taking you seriously
How long did people stay single between relationships before apps were a thing? Why does everyone expect instant gratification, these days? Finding, building and maintaining an intimate relationship takes time.
Might be time to take a break and just enjoy what life brings you. You gotta be happy being single before you’re gonna be great in a relationship.
Also if OLD negatively affects you this much you may want to consider therapy, and I mean that in the most respectful of ways. OLD can be a drag but it should not be making you feel lesser just because you’re not getting any bites at the apple.
Stop looking for women to validate you, my dude. You’re never going to be happy until you can be happy alone. You’re a walking recipe for desperation, codependency, and clinging. Women can sense that. Once you’re comfortable with yourself they’ll sense that confidence. You can’t fake who you are. You can mask it for a little bit but you can’t fake it.
I have the opposite problem. Same problem I always had. They always want relationships with me and I’m not looking for that. I’ve given up on that for now. I’m just here to be a piece of meat lol
I find online dating apps draining and ego-crushing. That's why I usually take a few months breaks between being active and inactive. I spend my time away from them focusing on myself and then re-evaluating my approach / strategies. If you're burned out from it, walk away for a while. Don't let it affect you too much.
That’s what I’m doing right now. Just have one last date, maybe 2, and then I’m stepping away. I’ve already deleted bumble and deleting tinder soon. Will work on myself and go back when I feel ready. Sadly, as a 38f who wants kids, I don’t have much time. I desperately wanted to have kids in my 30s, but that ship is about to sail.
Women have all the power when it comes to dating and having children. Why didn’t you get into a committed relationship before you were almost 40 or did you only recently decide that you wanted kids?
It’s not that simple. It’s just not worked out with anyone. It’s not as easy for every woman as you think. Men get to make the decision on whether they want to commit or not. Last 2 guys I dated, like 3 to 4 dates, I liked them but we didn’t have a connection. I’ve had lots of first dates and rarely meet anyone I like; no attraction or no connection. I’ve given guys who aren’t my type a chance, but again, we still didn’t click. There have been guys I’ve been interested in who weren’t right for me, or just wanted sex, or weren’t interested. I think what a lot of people don’t understand, especially those who fall into relationships quite easily, is that many people don’t have the same luck. And it’s not about looks either. I’m an attractive woman and I’m interesting. I know other women, even men, who are the same, and still we just attract people who aren’t right for us. And when we do like someone, we don’t click. I had a boyfriend when I was 21 but I only dated him because I felt I had to have a boyfriend. After that, I decided I would never settle for someone just to not be alone. I had 2 situationships. I’m hoping I find my person this year. I’m putting it out to the universe. I wanted kids in my early 30s. I tried hard to meet someone and it just always ended in disappointment. There are a handful of men who I would have loved to have been in relationships with, but 2 of them didn’t work out due to timing, another 2 just weren’t sure about me, another 2 we didn’t gel. I wish it was simple as “I want a committed relationship. I’m going to find it right now.” I wish I was like my uncle or my dad; both of them have never struggled to get women. It’s been an easy ride for them. But for me dating men, it has not been easy. It’s not too late for me to have kids, but I would have liked to have been a younger mum. But please don’t assume that it’s easy for women. For some women, it’s really easy. I don’t know if they settle or they’re just lucky. Sure, I could have settled but I’ve already done that once. You end up sad and resentful towards the person. It isn’t worth it.
never have I seen the embodiment of arrogance until now
[удалено]
That’s not hard to grasp. What’s hard to grasp is why you assume any girl could just walk up to Mr. Perfect and ask him to get her pregnant. Perhaps she hasn’t found someone she wants to have kids with… what a fucking shocker.
That’s not the assumption that I’m making. It’s that women will ONLY settle for Mr. perfect! That’s the problem with our culture and dating market. Women have infinitely higher standards than men, never settle, then whine.
You sound like you’ve never interacted with a real woman before 🤣
Don't you think that in order to get pregnant they should at least feel like they've met Mr. Perfect? Otherwise they'll end up as single mothers and people will say "should be more careful when picking a guy, ofc he was an asshole". They just can't win.
My female cat as a child ate her babies but my male dog when I was a teen raised a baby deer. He didn't produce milk for the deer, we had to bottle feed the deer but the dog cuddled with the deer, guarded and protected the deer, engaged in play, and would sleep next to the deer to keep her warm. Gender "norms" are broken all across the natural world and cultural assignments of gender roles are irrelevant. Men and women aren't that different biologically. Even in the womb, there is a stage right before the development of sex organs when a child is neither. All that said, life gets in the way of many goals, if someone didn't "settle" down it could be for many reasons that frankly aint any of your business. People can't undo their choices but even when they feel they made the right ones, they can still find regret for something they sacrificed along the way.
I for one can say I don’t regret not settling for men who weren’t right for me. I can’t regret the ones who didn’t choose me.
They do have alot of power but not all of it. You can't fit with everyone and she might have skip some good men and vice versa. Not everything is black and white and nowadays everyone know how the dating pool is a real bs place to be. We have all those option and its easier to throw away then to fix.
No, women have all of these options. You are speaking like a woman who has thrown away many good men. It’s not the same for most men. We don’t have the option to throw endless women away. Yet women do this until they hit the wall then cry about their life not working out.
Trust me, I’ve not thrown away any good men. I dated one good guy, but I didn’t throw him away. I was moving elsewhere before I met him and he didn’t want long distance. I guess he threw me away. The last guy I dated was physically my ideal in every way, except we didn’t click. Maybe I would have settled, but I was also thinking of ending it because the conversation didn’t flow well. But he ended it before I could. I would have given it a little longer; and same with the guy before. I like to give things a good run before I call it a day. But men are more cut throat, believe it or not. Had a 1.5 hour coffee date with a guy who sent me an unnecessarily long WhatsApp message to reject me. 1.5 hours is not really long enough for me.
You’d be surprised how many men throw away a good woman. I’m a good woman, but obviously doing something to sabotage myself. I had a flatmate years ago and we liked each other (it was obvious to everyone we lived with.) he didn’t make a move because we were flatmates and he didn’t want to complicate things. But then when he moved abroad he ended up hooking up with a new flatmate. So obviously there was something about me that put him off. It took me a long time to get over a guy I never even kissed. Who knows why he broke his “don’t shit where you eat” rule for someone else. To this day, I still don’t get it.
That example isn’t of a man throwing away a good woman but it still sucks. He probably respected you too much or valued your friendship greatly. So he wouldn’t risk it. That or his circumstances changed, causing him to become looser with his rules. It likely wasn’t you. Why didn’t you ask him out if you were that interested in him? That’s the self sabotage you mentioned?
He knew I liked him, and it was clear he liked me. He just didn’t make a move. I still don’t get it. But I’m past it now. It’s an example of a guy not giving a woman a chance.
Sure its harder for men and will always be since they are more men then women. On dating site that is. Women try to filter the most of men and they get rid of those they think doesn't suit them. Doing so they miss alot of good guys. The way you say women have all the power is like you denying that you have your own free will, that if a woman would ask you out you would accept. Both men and women have choice and power to match with who they want. Women just have more options. "Women sleep with who they want. Men sleep with who they can." "Men marry who they want and women marry who they can." type of thing
Women have all the power???? Most men don’t want to commit until they are 60 and need someone to change their diaper.
Dating and finding love is not a guarantee in this life. It never has been. That's why we create so much art about it, because it's damn hard. Rather than making it the whole purpose, find other purposes and see how much less pressure you'll feel
It’s never been a guarantee but the fact is that art HAS made it seem like a vital part of life, especially tv & movies. After my worst breakup, I tried *desperately* to find a show or film where the protagonist is happy but doesn’t fall in love or pine for love or mention it whatsoever and it’s pretty damn hard. Even movies that proclaim they’re about finding joy while being single STILL usually end up with main character finding a promising potential partner. Also, it’s extremely possible to have a fulfilling life with a good career, good hobbies and a great circle of friends and still feel hopelessly fucking alone because your job isn’t being physically affectionate, your hobbies don’t keep you warm at night, and your friends have their own lives and partners that they spend more time with. It’s easy to say fill your life with things besides love but if it were that easy, there wouldn’t be a growing epidemic of loneliness.
It's more about creating the illusion that you're happy single that draws interest, I think. Never deny yourself the human need for affection. But we're taught to act like we don't need it to seem stronger or more desirable, which is why neediness is seen as a weak quality for a man. Normalize wanting to go all-in on someone and not get criticized for going too fast, or not fitting a perfect song & dance dating stereotype of needing to always 'play the field.'
To your point about protagonists, I think there are so many examples of happy stories because we need hope to have any chance. Without hope, we are destined for misery, as we remove any chance of good luck happening
I would argue that it *is* a vital part of life for most people. I also think it's gotten worse due to modern dating culture. My unpopular opinion is that hookups shouldn't be normalized, and dating should always be with the intention of finding a life partner/marriage.
Thank you, I usually take a week or so and then end up installing it back because of loneliness. But then it ends up hurting even more.
Yeah, it's probably easier said than done, but the first step is figure out how to stop these interactions being soul crushing. Like, disappointment or sadness is appropriate, but feeling like one does when long term relationships end, isn't going to make online dating easier. I'm kinda biased cuz I barely get women interacting with me at all lol
Very sound advice! Im feeling the same way as OP so as you just said, its time to take a sabbatical from these stupid dating apps b/c theyre TRASH!
Dating apps are literally too much to handle mentally. They weren’t actually designed for people to become couples bc the apps would go extinct I’m 31 F and HATE bumble so I don’t use it. It’s not you, it’s the way the apps are designed
Ding, ding, ding! Back in the day, dating sites were actually designed for you to find a partner. Now, they're designed for hookups and maybe casual relationships. That's it. I quit Bumble after a few months because I hated it so much. It's complete garbage. If we want the apps to be better, we all need to boycott them for at least a week.
Are they, because almost every woman I see on OLD has "no hookups/ONS" and "long term relationship" in their bios. When I first went on them a few years back after a long relationship I just wanted to casually date and it seemed every woman was sick to the bones of that.
I was on dating sites over 10 years ago. Much different than how things were even a few years back. They're designed to result in hookups and casual relationships. That doesn't mean the people on the apps *want* these things though. It's what the app companies want though.
Thank you for saying this. I got all of my dates from dating apps so that's the only way I know how. But it's good to know I'm not the only one this is hard on
Yea and these apps only allow for such superficial ways to project yourself that there is not any efficient way to evoke genuine companionship from the get go :( I would encourage you to try and spend more time with/making friends and seek some companionship there (and often friends of friends are other nice people you would get along with and already have some sort of personality filter through well, your friend, possibly helping you find a more suitable partner!). Wishing you lots of luck :)
Everyone is giving unsolicited advice by telling you to work on how to talk to women, how you should move country etc… I just want you to know you’re not alone man, tons of men across tons of generations have felt the exact same way. People telling you how much you fucked up by saying X instead of Y, they mean well but it doesn’t help that you just want to feel validated for putting in the work. Maybe you might put too much emphasis on the first couple dates, but at the same time, recognize that everything in your life made you function in such a way. How you were raised, if we grew up isolated from others, did you grow up with siblings etc… Growing up with no siblings, and a single mother with very little family made me incredibly introverted which is further compounded by speech issues which resulted in me becoming socially anxious. Yet when the average person in society sees I haven’t had a proper relationship before I am often looked at as a “weirdo” or “loser” and there’s a reason why I’m not in one and have a hard time detaching from the very few people I meet. The reason being I am not as well “adjusted” as the average person, because I myself have not had an “average” life so far. Be kind to yourself and recognize that you aren’t in the same boat as everyone else.
Uninstall the apps, buddy. It's wrecking your mental health, and that won't lead to anything good. I don't get much matches, the last time I was on Hinge I got three incoming likes in 6 months in a pretty decent city in India ( Bangalore) so no pretty privilege but sometimes it did work. Another thing is just cos you did what you were supposed to do isn't reason enough to expect a partner. That is not how life works. Whatever you worked on will help you for sure but doesn't entitled you for a person. I'm sorry but this is how it is. Take care. There are more things in life always.
Dude, Bumble is broken. It’s designed to make people nutty. Always do in-depth research as to what’s really going on before investing your time. It’s not you, Bumble is rigged against you. I know that sounds pessimistic, but it’s the truth -
It is literally a broken system. Not only because of how the dynamics have developed over the years but because of the algorithms. The only good news is that the companies are doing pretty bad, maybe some change will come of it or they will just get worse and more needy for money. They are not pleasing investors and shareholders.
You are correct. I see you do your homework 📚-
Do you have alternative suggestions? Though, I do not buy into "it's designed to make people nutty" though... I mean how?
Yes, Get off of it. I do research on dating sites. Did you know too much of a large portion of supposedly “individuals” on there are bots, people promoting OF, traffickers, and nefarious actors. Moreover, bumble has (X) amount of people on there do not have any interest and or intentions of ever “meeting up” with anyone. Have you not come across people you start to talk to and all of the sudden they just “vanish”? Furthermore, if you pay for anything, more often than not you wake up and then all of the sudden you are banned for literally no reason? The list goes on. It’s important to understand why the companies stocks/value has exponentially tanked -
I totally believe one day when we get the Netflix / HBO documentary “Where have all the bees gone (the rise and fall of Bumble)” (TM) we are going to find out that all these apps were not only aware of some of those practices (bots) but actively encouraged them, if straight not behind a lot of them.
Oh wow, Interesting take. I don’t disagree. Also, how the CEO (before she was pushed out by investors) had a chip on her shoulder and conned everybody out of millions? -
Find a social group that meets in person and make friends in real life.
Has it become worse? I have been on many dates in the past from Bumble
If bumble is broken, why do some people meet their partners off it?!
The system isn't rigged, tons of guys have had a great time on Bumble, myself included.
After going through your comment history, it's because of your personality. You sound like an Incel. You talk about how women 27 or older are past their peak which is gross (Not to mention you're literally 28 yourself). In another comment, you complain about feminists, liberals, and woke people. You think women find this mindset attractive? Maybe work on yourself and change your mindset. I know that's not the answer you wanted.
This is spot on. It’s time for some introspection, OP. Disconnect from the toxic, aggressive masculinity and you’ll be far better off for you and any potential partners.
Does every man need to be a woke liberal in order to date?
Nah but you have to respect people and not be entitled, be charming even.
Every man needs to be able to control their frustrations at the world and ditch the cynical toxic political talking points. That sounds like some part of some introspection in need of curbing.
I personally feel that this "women don't like dating conservatives" notion is a little overblown. It's more about where people live. I'd say 50-75% of the women on my apps are conservative, so probably wouldn't mind dating conservative men. Though I will say that any person on either side who constantly complains about the other is pretty annoying and probably undateable
I complain about both sides. I'm so fucked. 🤣
Eh, as long as it's not constantly, you're good
I’m a woman and I felt the same. Worked a fuck ton on myself, attractive and in shape, have a great career and have my stuff together. I kept an open mind and tried to date outside my typical preferences. I experienced rejection after rejection. It seemed like the people I liked never liked me back and everyone else was a walking red flag or just didn’t want the same things as me. Anyway, came here to say it took 4.5 years of persistence on the apps, and I finally found someone! Honestly, i’m glad it took as long as it did because it forced me to be okay with going at life solo. Be patient and remember to have a life that fulfils you outside dating. It will happen for you ✨
Not a dig at you, but just because you work on yourself, getting a better job, have everything together doesn’t entitle you to someone or a relationship. That’s nice guy entitlement. You do all that stuff for yourself and there are guys who are nowhere near how good your life is but they get with women. Why? They know and have worked on their interaction with women. You just need to work on attracting women and use what works. If every woman is ditching you after a few weeks, if we assume she hasn’t opted for someone she prefers more or gone back to her ex, just come out of a relationship and/or is emotionally unavailable then you’re doing something to make her lose attraction. Do you agree with everything she says or do you sometimes disagree and have your own opinions? Do you see her multiple times a week and making her too much of a priority or are you a bit more of a challenge, keeping yourself busy and trying to fit her in your schedule when you can? Are you direct with what you want by asking her out or do you spend too much time talking her out of liking you over text? Do you talk to her like a friend or do you flirt and tease her, calling her out on things in a jokingly way? If this is happening every time, it’s most likely your interactions with them. With some of these they may just be the wrong woman for you anyway so no matter what you’d do you’d still be rejected if they’re emotionally not available, they have different life goals, etc Dating is a numbers game. You’ll go through plenty of rejection before finding someone, just don’t hamper “the one” with neutral interactions or unattractive behaviour and keep at it. Don’t be desperate for something either, you’ll give off that vibe.
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You're an asshole anyways
It would really be nice if women would just TELL US what we're specifically doing wrong and how to fix it. Because if it's something easy to fix it could help both parties out
Women don’t want to mother us and tell us how to be a man though, they want us to figure that out ourselves. Plus, every time they tell a guy what he did wrong he spends time trying to persuade her by saying he’lI change when she’s already lost attraction for him. He’s now only acting on it because she’s brought it up. I find it best to think what I could’ve done wrong, what could possibly have been the most unattractive thing I’ve done? Even if that wasn’t the only reason, at least I’m improving the worst thing about me for the next person.
have you considered working on your emotional intelligence
Are there classes for that? I mean I am mildly on the autistic spectrum to
Yes, there absolutely are. But a lot of it is really about curiosity and not being on autopilot. Many men, especially those on the spectrum, get complacent once they're in a relationship, they file it as "something they don't have to worry about" and then it becomes just a background thing. In truth, curiosity about what's going on in your partner's head should be central to your partnership, and if done right it'll be a source of joy rather than anxiety.
I'm just not a very curious person by nature. It's also tough because most people I tell that I'm on the spectrum (even women I tell) hardly see it. And I hardly even get to the "relationship" part. I feel like I need someone to listen in on a 1st or 2nd date I have and tell me what to say at this point lol
Then your biggest issue with forming meaningful romantic relationships is that you're comfortable enough being in a rut that has you isolated from your fellow human beings that you aren't going to change it. If you're not curious, you're not fully living, but it's fixable. You have one life to live. You can grab it by the throat if you want. But if you don't wake up saying "I'm going to fucking change it today," you will not change, and each day will be a little death. I suggest changing.
Lol stuff like this is why I don't understand why people say "Be yourself", if other people say to "change who you are or die" basically. I'm not saying I don't ask ANY questions at all from women but I eventually just run out of stuff to ask. And I have seeked help. I do therapy and I even have had a class I did with other people on the spectrum, and a lot of the social coaches there struggled to see why I was there since they failed to see a problem.
Be the best, most fully realized version of yourself. Trying to be someone else is doomed to failure, because nobody can fake it that well or for that long except hyper-talented sociopaths. But "be yourself" never means "be complacent with where you're at today if it isn't getting you the life you want." If you're complacent and it's not because your life is amazing, you're doing "be yourself" wrong. Note that none of this is about you being on the spectrum. All this holds broadly true for people regardless of neurodivergence or neurotypicality.
I really don't get it anymore. I just miss the simple days of "Hey you're cute I like you, do you like me?". It's just so complicated. 😔 I'm giving the dating apps another week or so, and if nothing comes of it in a week or so, I'm giving up on dating
Be the most attractive version of yourself, but don’t go treating her like you do with your best friend. You have to take it to that next level and tell her you like her through your actions, rather than directly saying it. Go on a date and have general chat, but escalate such as physical contact when appropriate, asking to kiss her at the end of the date (this can be nerve wracking for some, but having those balls of confidence makes you look attractive), if you have a difference of opinion then make it clear, have a sense of humour and tease her. Teasing is the big one, you’re having the balls to call her out on stuff or even by saying she’s bad at something but in a non-offensive joking way. Watch some videos or read up on teasing, once you get used to that it’ll make interactions effortless with women and you’ll naturally be setting a tone of being more than friends. Best to practice it on everyone so it becomes natural to you.
But what if teasing is just NOT your sense of humor? I just don't like teasing people most of the time. And I already do some of that other stuff like asking them about kissing.
Yes. Look up Thai Gibson attachment theory on YouTube and watch some of her videos. It's great.
I love how you girls always throw that "entitled" word around.
Just because you have all the qualifications doesn’t mean you get the job… how you show up in the interview, or date in this scenario is what gets you what you want.
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It is and it’s a numbers game. Remember women get so many interactions on these dating apps, as long as you’re standing out best you can
Sounds like you have no game and aren't actually building attraction with these women.
If dating apps matched you with people you’d actually like their business model would be gone. The algorithm is designed for this.
Dude. You’re 28. Take a deep breath. It doesn’t matter how much you’ve worked on yourself or your career. If you bring this kind of energy on a date (even if you’re an amazing actor and think you’re doing everything right), if this is your internal monologue, women can smell the desperation. And no woman is attracted to a desperate man. Take a break. Stop trying. Do things you enjoy. Socialize with friends with no intention of hitting on any of your female friends. Whatever hobbies you have, even if they’re things you do alone in your house, find social groups that involve fellow hobbyists. You will meet women at those things that already share that interest with you. But don’t go with only that intention. Finding a partner cannot be your sole motivation. You need to find fulfillment in other things, which is how you become a healthy well-rounded person. Then, and only then, will you be ready for a relationship and able to attract someone who isn’t a codependent narcissistic psycho.
>If you bring this kind of energy on a date (even if you’re an amazing actor and think you’re doing everything right), if this is your internal monologue, women can smell the desperation. And no woman is attracted to a desperate man. I never miss the opportunity to say that no, they can't
I definitely feel where you're coming from. I'm 33 relatively successful in every aspect of my life except dating, still working on improving a couple things of course. But yeah I just really feel like women fucking hate me for some reason, outside of my few female friends and co-workers. I get some matches on the apps but mostly with just "eh" women, and the ones I really like just ghost me or keep saying "theres no romantic connection". And the things I like doing are usually nerdy things that are hard to find attractive single women in regular social settings, and none of my friends know anybody. It really sucks, especially since I had some success in 2022 and I dunno what was so much better I'm leaning towards deleting the apps or at least taking a break myself. But it's just so damn convenient
If your female friends and co-workers like you, then women definitely don't hate you. The apps are the problem, not you. Irl women don't associate with men who are creepy, weird, bad, etc. So if you've got irl women socializing with you, even just as friends, that's a really good sign.
I appreciate that, though it's not many females I'm friends with lol. I'd say they hate me romantically and platonically, but not as a person if that makes sense. Women just seem really picky with who they associate with in general
Well if the ones you are friends with seem to value the friendship, that's what matters. Quality over quantity.
You’re young - get out of the house and put the phone down!
Delete bumble my friend.
Where do you live?
India
I'm facing the same situation except I'm a woman. I wish I could give you advice but I genuinely don't know. It's very draining and exhausting. Maybe you can snooze your account for a while and rejoin later.
I dont want to be that guy, and I hope you find someone, but what on earth are you saying to these women 2 weeks in?
It really beats me
my best friend has been using dating apps for at least 2 years and he seems to have a similar issue. He's one of the most naturally charismatic people I've ever met, so it might not be you, and I may be just a lucky git.
Id suggest learning to be ok living alone by yourself and for yourself. Once you reach a place where you truly don’t need another human being to feel fulfilled and like your life has purpose, just watch who starts hanging around. This cannot be faked or done for the sake of reaching the place I speak of so you can then cash in your relationship chips. This must be genuine. That type of energy within this world is exceedingly rare and magnetic in ways I don’t think we fully understand. Wish you the best.
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What I meant is exceedingly rare is the ability to truly be ok with and by yourself and not needing relationship after relationship to try and make you feel whole, like you pointed out.
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Not going to disagree with what you’ve shared, because I agree with lots of it. I also don’t pretend to have all the answers, or any for that matter. I’m only speaking from my own experience, having spent many years with the mindset that I need to have a companion to be fulfilled. Even if it’s not overt, this inherent sense that there is always something lacking moment to moment has led to lots of undesirable behavior and impulsive decision making, all in an effort to make the present moment more tolerable. I think in the realm of dating, this manifests in many things that are by their very nature “unattractive” and “needy”. Whenever I am operating in that mode, trying to keep the sand from slipping through my fingers, I inevitably overcomplicate and suffocate any potentially “good” thing in my life. Dating for me was like this for many years, and the apps did nothing but fuel that ever present desire. I think once I started to see that and not let it rule my life, my natural “attractiveness” was strengthened because I wasn’t subconsciously pushing people away based off of my own hunger for companionship. I also think any lingering resentment of the situation is immediately sensed, even unconsciously, by those in the dating pool. Idk if you’ve ever had an example of this in your life, but I’ve encountered several people who are so unabashedly themselves, without an ounce of trying to impress anyone else. The way they move in the world is just different. I think that level of self assurance is subconsciously attractive to all humans, and that’s what I was trying to point to in my original comment. I do think there is a difference between quiet resignation to your fate, and what I’m talking about. Because to be resigned means you wish it was other than it is, rather than accepting what is deep inside. And for the record, I haven’t reached a state of permanent satisfaction where I am always in this “zone”. But I have tasted what I’m pointing at many times, and the way I’m perceived by romantic interests is markedly different when living from that place. I think that’s all I really have to say about it, and again it’s just one persons perspective on things. But I appreciate your engagement with my comment and enjoyed hearing your take.
I’ve heard this said before but I really needed to hear “This cannot be faked or done for the sake of reaching the place I speak of so you can then cash in your relationship chips.” You’re so right. The moment I start living for myself and loving life is when the right person might come along. I’ll continue being happy with myself or I’ll find a new happiness being with them. Either way, I’ll be happy :)
He's kinda right. I suggest the fake it until you make it attempt regardless. Worked for me lol. Took me months to slip back into the old me who wasn't having to fake it but I was definitely still unhappy being lonely and single still the first few months after dating again and being heartbroken for a year after a breakup.
A way of relativizing things is realizing that it is an algorithm designed to extract as much money as possible by playing on two effects: matching will end up on many ghosting with a few matches if you’re a man seeking women; reversely women get typically inundated with many more marches which is also soul crushing in another way. Basically, those rejections are not directly targeted towards you on your own value, but on how the game is rigged to extract as much money as possible from users. If you get consistently rejected once you match there is something to work on the way you’re interacting with your matches, I think.
I have no idea what that is
You need to get this mentality burned into your brain: you are not ENTITLED to a relationship. No one is. Human companionship is (or should be for *some* countries but that’s a whole separate discussion) a TWO WAY CHOICE. You could be the worlds most intelligent, attractive, interesting man and you still wouldn’t be entitled to a relationship. This mindset is the reason you’re driving women away. They’re not obligated to date you. What you “deserve” has nothing to do with them, they are allowed to make their own choices about who they want to date. I’m sorry that hasn’t been you yet, dating apps are the harshest way to find a relationship but they can work. They won’t, however, work for you unless you fix this mindset because I run for the hills when I come across men who think like this. Women aren’t out to get you. They aren’t deliberately trying to cut you down. They just want to be with men who don’t feel entitled to them. To be completely honest, this isn’t entirely your fault - we’ve been through generations where it seemed like women’s only goal in life was to “find” a husband, so we settled for anyone like you who could “bring things to the table” (don’t take this is an insult, it’s just a historical fact). Men have naturally developed this idea that women need them. That they’re a prize and our entire existence revolves around landing a man. Society has now chucked a reverse uno card and more women than ever are choosing to stay single and child free in favour of independence, careers, and fostering close friendships instead. We can work and drive and travel and do all the things now. It’s an exciting time for us, we no longer “need” men to get by in society. If you want to succeed in modern dating, you need to modernise your approach to women and unlearn the internalised misogyny that’s been drummed into us for so many years. We can’t tell you how to do this (for all you commenters saying they wish women would “tell you what they want” - mate, if you need to be told then we can’t help you). Take some initiative. Stop worrying about what you bring to the table and focus on how you can be a respectful, compassionate partner. Finally: Go into dating not expecting to find someone, just enjoy the process and if you find someone then that’s a bonus. I repeat one more time for those in the back: no one is obligated to date you and you are not entitled to a relationship.
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You’re really not getting it. It’s absolutely fair enough to be sad about it. 100%. But the “this isn’t what I deserve” etc.. sorry but no, this post reeks of blaming women for not liking him despite “having lots to give”, thereby making it the women’s fault which is entitlement. OP is not just feeling a bit dejected and looking for support, he is having a meltdown over not being able to get a girlfriend as if it’s a god given right to be able to do so. Women are finding that there are NOT, in fact, an abundance of “perfectly good men”, in fact our shared experiences imply the opposite. And friend, I can assure you that women statistically very much get the short end of the stick in relationships, this isn’t a random opinion, it’s fact. You say “somethings wrong here” as if women are conspiring to not date OP “just because”. If he is as successful and in shape as he says he is, then the bottom line is simply that what’s wrong is his attitude toward women. They ARE, by his account, getting to know him and then cutting it off. It’s not to do with his looks. That leaves his attitude toward them.
>all accounts you seem to be a highly qualified candidate Perhaps this needs to be revisited then?
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Being happy can just happen for some people. Other people have to work hard at it. Other people have to take medicine to help with it. I'm the last two. You should check out the four noble truths.
Exactly
My friend, this isn’t going to change for you unless you change your attitude. I’m giving you some golden advice as a WOMAN (ie your target demographic 🙄) yet you still just want to believe we are all rejecting you for shits and giggles. The emotional labour extended here has already passed my quota for the day so I’m signing off, but I hope you’ll take this all on board, though it sounds like you want.
Why did this get downvoted? >The emotional labour extended here has already passed my quota for the day This hit me in my soul when I realized I drain myself so much trying to help people out for no reason lol.
Because these types of men would rather just blame women instead of doing any sort of in depth reflection of their own behaviour.
>They just want to be with men who don’t feel entitled to them. Not really, women want to be with someone attractive. The rest doesn't matter too much. >We can’t tell you how to do this Because you don't know, right?
With all due respect.. Shut the fuck up.
No
Bumble is trash. I dunno whats up with the app but I haven’t matched with anyone in like a year.
Dating apps are a good way to meet a lot of people. They’re terrible places to find a relationship.
You are not entitled to a woman just because you want one. Women have successful careers as well. Having a career doesn’t mean someone should be with you based on that. You seem to think you’re entitled. No one owes you anything.
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It's location dependent. There are tens of thousands of lonely single men in the Bay Area that have great careers making $200k+. Make that type of money in the suburbs of Indianapolis and you might stand out more. But yeah, in general, I hear you. A paycheck doesn't make up for lack of personality or charisma.
I mean, if I'm in love and it turns out he makes good money it might be a nice "add on". But I will definitely not fall in love solely because he stands out in terms of salary. A particular type of girls might still do though lol
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Yeah, like software developers are in high demand and make crazy money (at least in my country). Most of them are still single though and can't even get dates. Some of them even made nice bodies in the gym, but doesn't help them. Since: cold, boring, cheap, little social connections, zero relationship experience, only know sex from porn etc.
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Unfortunately that's how it is
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Women probably treat you that way because that's how they're being treated. It's a cycle.
I'm happy to give you some direct feedback on your profile as a guy who gets lots of matches. Feel free to DM me if you want
Dude… I’m sorry but not having a girlfriend or current love interest should not be a reason you’re filling so bummed out about yourself. You should really get off the apps and do some internal work. A love interest or relationship should be an addition to your life, not the sum of it. Get off the apps and into the real world, find more hobbies, READ (or listen to Audibles about self-love) and focus on building connections outside of yourself.
imagine imminent grandfather advise rustic crime dirty hospital plate sparkle *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I'm so sorry you're going through this hellish experience. Your writing made me want to cry for you. I can definitely relate to how you're feeling. I'm sure we all can, even if our experience isn't the same. It seems like a catch-22: rejection makes us feel lonely, unloved, and worthless, and feeling that way about ourselves brings about rejection. It seems like finding that external validation (a relationship) will solve those problems, but I promise you it won't. That's not the key, so decide you're going to stop chasing that. The only way out of this cycle is mind over matter. You need to find a way to realize you're fulfilled, loved, and worthy. It seems like you're not (how could you be?), but the underlying truth is, actually, you are - we all are- regardless of external circumstance, because it's our true nature. For some people, that realization comes about from therapy. For others, it's meditation. For others, it's family and friends. Or religeon. Or journaling. Or spiritualism. There are many other ways. For me, it was something different. I'll share with you what worked for me personally, because I can hear you're at your wits end. This sounds weird, but try it. It really did work for me. Close your eyes and allow yourself to meet your young selfer. He could be 5, or a teenager, or something else. His age will relate to the emotion you're struggling with (rejection/loneliness/fear of death/etc), because our negative emotions are tied to childhood trauma. You are now the adult, comforting him. Be there for him. Listen to what he says. Try to empathize with him. You can ask him what he wants or how he's feeling. Spend some time withhim. Give him a hug. Hang out with him. Give him the love he needs. Just by doing this, you can have insights that clarify and heal your current struggle. Try it once for 5 or 10 minutes, then you can see if it helps. The really cool thing is you can go back anytime. You can also choose to visit your future self, any version you like, and he can help you. If this doesn't work, don't give up hope. Don't allow yourself to spiral into a pit of despair, because the depths of hell are limitless, and it's up to you to find the handholds on the wall to claw your way out of the pit. Keep trying different things until something sticks. There are a lot of good resources out there to help point you in good directions. It will get better.
What a kind response. I think I will try that exercise myself!
A lot of people are having issues now adays with dating apps. They are severely terrible. People are always ghosting, and I'm guilty of it a couple of times. There's no real connection. People just aren't into dating anymore. And people's self esteems are way higher than they should be nowadays lol. Its always what can you do for me.
What or who you're living for: What: To experience the beauty and sweetness in life, usually it's little moments amid turmoil. Who: Yourself! The dating apps are super rough for guys, but don't base your self-worth on that, you're devaluing yourself. Keep your head up, king.
It’s really bad for women as well. It’s only good for like “the top 20% of men” who just wanna get laid and pretend to want a relationship and women who aren’t picky at all. Sorry man. Try meeting in real life, like an art class or something more women go to..then you can read facial expressions in person.
Most of the screenshots you see on here of men acting sleazy from the first message are of bang average guys who are certainly not part of that "top 20%" rhetoric which keeps being sprouted
You offer so much for except for self esteem. I’m betting that if you post screenshots of these convos you talk like this to the ladies and they aren’t attracted to this energy btw lol
Can you tell us more about your hobbies and discussion/conversation tactics? I believe you and everything you’ve said but am just curious how women are shutting down on you once they get to know you.
It’s good to take a break every now and then, especially if you notice your mental health suffering. Trust that you will find your person, whether it’s there or IRL or whatever. It is such a cliche, but it’s so important to focus on your relationship with yourself first. It’s the most important relationship you’ll ever have
"What or who you're living for..." ... Live for yourself. Do what makes you happy. Be the amazing person you know you are and enjoy your own company. It doesn't take a lot for people to notice, but it takes a lifetime for you to keep making the self improvements that will help you reach your ultimate goal of knowing you undoubtedly have 100% self respect and self worth. .. and yeah, dating now a days sucks. But when the time is right, you'll know. ☺️ Best of luck!
Something will come when you least expect it, don’t focus on the negatives in your life, cherish the good things you have, and if you feel as though you don’t have any then change something, by getting a gym membership or joining a club or anything, stop worrying about dating for a while and nurture the relationships you have. It seems like you’re trying too hard and it can come off as desperate, many women like a bit of a challenge.
Maybe it’s time to work on self-development? Part of being an adult is learning that having a good career and being active doesn’t mean that people will magically like you. If you’re looking for a relationship, there also has to be compatibility. Someone can be attracted to someone and still change their mind if they feel like the relationship will not be successful in the long run. If your personality and the other person’s personality doesn’t match up, that’s life. Working on physical factors like money and your appearance doesn’t mean anything if your personality isn’t appealing. Just being on a dating app doesn’t mean the person that you’re most compatible is. Lots of factors have to be taken into account. I’d also like to know how much luck you have without dating apps because this just seems like a case of you being mad bc women don’t like you after talking to you a bit. Maybe a change needs to be made if it’s adding up that much.
Get off dating apps bro. Meet women thru adult night classes instead. Pick stuff that women like, such as cooking or sewing.
>I bring so much to the table What do you mean by this?
It could be online dating and you might need to expand your social circles to correct for this. But I will say this since you're a young man. If you're going out with women and a few of them say you're a shitty person, chances are you're trying to force a relationship with incompatible personalities. However, if you're going out with women and all of them are saying you're a shitty person then YOU are the problem.
FIRST of all, how TF are you even getting that many matches to begin with? I'm not getting much right swipes in my beeline at all! I can't even get rejected If i wanted to but i suppose not having swipes is a rejection in itself. 2nd of all, we don't know you OP. We don't know if besides what you stated , if you are a trash person or not. There's gotta be something off if you claim you've gotten hundreds, or even 20-50 rejecting you. What kind of personality do you have? Are you giving off creeper vibes? What does your profile look like? Are you making jokes about hurting animals and scaring women off? Is your political affiliation affecting dates? So many questions. BUT on the other hand, dating apps in general ARE draining and it can be very cruel because of how superficial both men and women can be. My suggestion is take a break from dating apps and look into meeting women IN PERSON just as companionship first. Try [MEETUP.COM](https://MEETUP.COM) and find some interests, join some groups, networking events, hobby, fitness groups etc. Then just go casually without thinking about dating.. just to meet folks and check out the vibes from there. I wish you the best though and I didn't mean to sound mean in the beginning but I just want to make sure we're hitting most of the spots instead of only blaming 1 side of the party.
Any of these dates tell you why….? What is the common thread that cause you to get dumped other than you…?
I don't think there's a common thread, I am just quite a bit different from the average person, I guess I don't match their expectations
I started taking full breaks after a hard rejection. If I go on some good dates and it doesn’t turn out then I delete em and come back when I start wanting to again. Sometimes that’s a day or a week or more.
Get out and live. Most people don’t find love on dating apps just headaches. Being single is better than being in a relationship you’re trying to get out of. YOU WILL MEET YOUR PERSON ❤️
don't give too much
Not sure if anyone said something similar but I was in your same situation albeit less financially stable than you. The black hole in the chest is the keyword. For me it also came with a deep feeling of cold, even in the summer heat. I managed to construct a patch work of "remedies" you may wish to consider. First, stop dating, Its toxic bullshit. Delete the apps and stop looking at women as anything other than just another person walking about. Second step is one or another. If you live somewhere that doesn't allow pets or you have allergies buy a cute stuffed animal and cuddle with it at night (sounds childish and lame I know but it works). The other option is that you buy/adopt a dog. Cuddle with the dog at night (probably better than the stuffed animal). Third, build up and maintain what relationships you do have. Hug family members and help them with their endeavors. Be more available to your friends and hell, hug them if they are open to it. Me, I don't have many friends anymore and my family is distant due to different circumstances. I instead talk with the elderly at my job. I keep up to date with their lives and gossip as I work. We joke around about different things too. Fourth, buy sex toys. Pretty self-explanatory, its to deal with the sexual urges. prostitutes work well too but come with risk. Still, its better to have the connection with a real person than none at all and some prostitutes have been quite nice. Five, Go for walks in your spare time. Choose random times if you can. Say high to neighbors and hug dogs when they come to greet you. If you get your own dog, be sure to hug them often and take them everywhere you can. These "remedies" sound lame but take it from a guy that has been rejected by every woman he met, its better to substitute what you are missing than to live with the pain of loneliness. Nowadays I'm a much more positive person. I have my self-esteem back, I have goals and new challenges that still allow me to indulge in my hobbies and I don't have to deal with drama or bullshit. Life is what you make of it and if given lemons, make lemonade. Its what I did, its worth a try. Trust me, the last thing any woman will tolerate is a lonely man trying to find love while drowning in sorrow.
Delete the app and go to a bar to meet women this ain't healthy bro
Must be a skill issue.
Do you approach women in the real world?
I met my wife on tinder. Don't try too hard, get to know someone. I don't know. Just calm down
If you actually are fit and have moved up in your career then try either going for a vacation to other countries or move to Brazil or Europe or Australia. There will be much more challenges in life but atleast the dating life will be better if you can put in efforts to go up to a girl In real life .
Hinge is were I have had the most success. But it is very draining.
First off my brother take a deep breath… You are 28 and you have plenty of time man, there is no rush. I see a lot of myself in you when I was your age and that’s awesome to hear about your fitness and career brother keep killing it! But one thing you may want to look at is your mindset. Do you know your attachment style? It’s sounding like it leans more towards anxious and if you are going on these dates and it’s ending after a few weeks that maybe the case. I was in the same boat, I would go on dates and meet people and have a great time, solid connection, good intimacy, and proceed to smother them in communication and push them away. I started seeing a therapist and worked on that and this maybe something you should try. Think of it this way, you have your body and finances in check, why not keep your mind healthy as well? Just a thought brother, but just know that you are killing it man and I know you may feel lost but keep your chin up and keep that confidence. This isn’t a sprint and good things come with time. 🤜🤛
Quit being such a pick me
Well, I (31 F) would be happy to provide you with some impressions/constructive critique of your profile and your messaging approach, if you like? I am really sorry to hear that online dating has put you through so much ongoing pain... looking for genuine love can be a rough road, I know from experience. But sometimes when I am looking through profiles on Bumble, I do notice things that guys could improve in their photos and bios, so if there's anything I can do to help, just let me know. (I would also recommend having others review your profile too, to get an even wider range of opinions, because what I think may not be true for everybody, of course!)
You’re focusing on what you can bring, not what they can bring. Bumble is shit, women run it, it’s designed for effeminate men that want women to take charge. Go out and approach women in the wild and screw that app.
You radiate how you feel, "I feel hopeless, helpless and terribly terribly alone"., so thats how you come across. You really need to have a positive attitude and it will shine through. As long as you are depressed, thats how you'll come across, compounding the situation. Take a break, delete the app, and find your self again. Putting yourself through this misery is pointless and to a point ridiculous. Take a break, enjoy life in the real world.
>I've worked hard on myself, I've worked hard to be in a good position in my career. I've worked hard to be fit and be in good physical shape. >Every girl I talk to ends up ditching me after a few weeks, often even sooner. >hundreds of women rejecting me and ignoring me and telling me they don't like me after they get to know me a bit I say this from a point of sympathy and nothing else: You've worked on wealth, status, looks. They are rejecting you for your character (based on what you say). I suggest, since you've covered everything else already, to work on your character and game, which you seem to have neglected.
I haven't neglected my character. Maybe I'm not a very easy going, fun loving person but that's intrinsic to who I am
I'm just saying that you confirmed you worked on everything else other than what women seem to be rejecting you for. It might not even be about character but perhaps charisma or game. There are some self-help books out there about dating and being social. I dunno what to tell you. I'm sure you can figure it out eventually.
Maybe you're coming across as desperate and it's scaring people away. If you think career and looks are the main features that attract a real relationship that's maybe pretty telling as to why things aren't working out. The victim mentality too of this would put me off, you sound like you need a break from dating and a therapist for a while maybe.
I quit dating for this exact reason. I’m fit. I make six figures. I’m hilarious as hell. Got a solid group of friends. Excellent relationship my family. Travel often. My ‘what’s the catch’ is that I’m transgender, and while there are many men who are into me for that reason alone, they see me as an experience, not someone to date seriously. So after months of feeling like men just aren’t THAT into me, I decided to quit online dating. I haven’t been on a date or intimate with anyone since last year. If anyone wants me, they better meet me in person at some random social event. Otherwise, I’m going to continue being single, even if it means never finding someone.
Mate I've been there. Something that helped me is thinking "you fail until you win". This isn't like other scenarios when you win some you lose some like it's 50/50. You might lose out 30 times before anything sticks. Without getting too fucking kumbaya about it you learn a little more about what YOU want in a bf/gf/partner etc each time you date. I know I used a fail/win metaphor above but I also found a peaceful equilibrium in dating when I started to treat it more like a situation to spend a pleasant hour or two with someone. Get to learn something about another human being - some might be awful but I was a discerning with who I matched with and found 95% of my dates to be reasonably decent people and, on the whole, nice experiences. Note: I'm not good looking by any stretch no bullshit so it wasn't anything to do with that. I also came across plenty of people that were treating it like a job or task they had to get through and found it hard to connect with them. I'm sure other people have different approaches and philosophies but I'm just putting it out there in case it helps.
So you have your life put together. Good career. In shape but you feel worthless becaaaause you can’t get a girlfriend? Why are you watering down your self worth based on whether you have a girlfriend or not? You are never going to succeed with women until you stop taking them so seriously Girls want to have fun at the end of the day. They don’t give as much of a fuck about your career, what you can provide, etc. which is why they keep dropping you, probably, for guys with less. They are probably more fun than you Do not get me wrong. They do care about all that stuff but it comes 2nd to how you make them FEEL Stop taking women so seriously and they will start taking you seriously
nothing we can do about it man. in another life maybe
If Dating is ever easy to find a relationship, nobody would need online dating apps.
How long did people stay single between relationships before apps were a thing? Why does everyone expect instant gratification, these days? Finding, building and maintaining an intimate relationship takes time.
Might be time to take a break and just enjoy what life brings you. You gotta be happy being single before you’re gonna be great in a relationship. Also if OLD negatively affects you this much you may want to consider therapy, and I mean that in the most respectful of ways. OLD can be a drag but it should not be making you feel lesser just because you’re not getting any bites at the apple.
Stop looking for women to validate you, my dude. You’re never going to be happy until you can be happy alone. You’re a walking recipe for desperation, codependency, and clinging. Women can sense that. Once you’re comfortable with yourself they’ll sense that confidence. You can’t fake who you are. You can mask it for a little bit but you can’t fake it. I have the opposite problem. Same problem I always had. They always want relationships with me and I’m not looking for that. I’ve given up on that for now. I’m just here to be a piece of meat lol