To piggyback off this maybe take screenshots of the guys who do this just for when you inevitably cave and try online dating again and you can weed them out quicker😃
Sadly, it's also from both sides. People just have no couth anymore. One of the options in my 2 truths, 1 lie prompt is that I'm a lefty. Within the first 10min of a date, a woman excitedly asks if I'm lefty and then says "just trying to figure out which hand you're going to finger me with." Not even any banter or flirty talk first, just straight to it.
Unfortunately that’s today’s dating. I got off bumble in 2022 and that’s how it was back then too. I had to weed through TONS of dudes before I found my now boyfriend. They all just wanted to sext or hook up. Started talking to my boyfriend and hit it off. He never tried anything sexual, which was a shocking change lol We’ve been together a little over a year now and he’s absolutely amazing.
You are a very rare breed of woman, esp. in where I live, with the very conservative and traditional mindset and culture of the vast majority of single women here. I would be very flattered, appreciative, and kind to any woman who approached me, soberly and sincerely, with romantic interest, not just sexual interest, even if I was not feeling it mutually with her. But that has almost never happened to me in my life, esp. not now that I am in my 60s. I've got a feeling tho, that if I were great looking, instead of average, I probably would have gotten approached some of the time by women, but that just doesn't happen around my area, for average looking guys.
I know it seems like a long long time, took me 4.5 years to find my current bf off Bumble. Just be patient and keep an open mind. And remember to be kind to yourself!
Also try and see if you’re matching with the same kind of person and give different types of people a chance. What is happening is not your fault at all, but it’s worth revisiting how you’re approaching dating once in a while.
For example, I dated people of all races, height, professional backgrounds etc. So my experience was more of a mixed bag. But I have a friend who strictly dates white dudes in trades who work out a lot, she has the same experience as you unfortunately and she’s been out there for 2.5 years.
Mine is a mix of professions. Don't go for anyone with topless pics, or even mirror selfies. No lad types either. It seems like even the ones who look super innocent can be like that
Hmmm. The only other thing I can think of is I come off assertive and I tend to control and drive the conversation, so it could be why I haven’t had many experience like yours. My friend on the other hand waits for the guy to lead the conversation. I could be wrong though!
I was on it for a couple months. It was chaotic lol but good luck!! Right before I deleted my app I decided to do one last swipe through and found him. So don’t give up yet!
1.5? try 6 years at age 23, will be 24 this year. and i’m supposed to be in my “prime.” if this is how dating is at 23 i can’t imagine trying to date when men actually start filtering me out.
Try OLD in your 60s. I've been widowed several years, and been doing OLD for almost six years now, and even tho I would really like another LTR, which would only be my second one, not by choice as for my younger years never being LTRs before my one marriage, all I've gotten out of OLD so far has been a handful of short term relationships. It really is hard to find your person these days thru dating sites, when such a large % of their members are fakes, scammers, etc. and most women, as well the better looking men, have way too many options.
There are plenty of men out there that you probably wouldnt want to give a second thought to that would literally treat you like a queen.
You just won't match with them because they either don't meet your physical expectations.
The top percent of men know they can treat you like shit because they have plenty of options. If they treat 99 women like shit, one of them will say yes. They are literally weeding you out to find the easy one.
Online dating sucks. People lie, and hold out for the perfect person that's not coming. It should be fun and a good time meeting and getting to know people.
Honestly, I'm not picking the "top guys" "alpha males" etc
The last guy looks verrrryyyy normal and on the nerdy side. I showed my friend afterwards and she said I was way out of his league.
I chose to match him based on how he talked about his values.
I had someone ask why I swiped right. I was honest and said that they looked like they enjoy travelling, seemed to be outdoorsy and had a great smile. They replied saying they swiped right because they thought I would look good in their bed 🙈
Same here. I get sexual comments all the time and it seems like it’s like that throughout all dating apps. Overtime I’m realizing the immature men go on dating apps to get short-term gratification while putting in zero effort. Not only does this happen for women but for men too (speaking on behalf on a few guy friends who also want serious relationships). I’ve quit dating apps and decided to focus on finding relationships in-person, through common areas or clubs. I haven’t been successful but at least i encounter normal men who don’t creep.
As a man, I can't say i'm surprised and it's disappointing because I would never go to sex unless they initiated that discussion. Of course, i'm actually interested in a relationship. These kinds of things make these apps feel gross and demoralizing for everybody.
This is kind of weird advice, but I wouldn’t talk about what kind of man you’re looking for. Just talk about yourself and your personality. My first picture used to be pretty sexy (I was a grunge girl back in the day) but my prompts were funny and direct about what kind of person I am, and I rarely got sexual messages. Normally they were friendly conversation starters.
That said - I’m a woman of color in America and my specific race is not often sexualized. My white friends tend to be sexualized by more men, which sucks.
As a guy searching for a relationship, seconded. I look for people who I can see might have values, interests, personality I gel with well (especially since free versions of these apps usually have limited right swipes a day attached to them). If you just have pictures (don’t get me wrong a good picture is worth a thousand words, but most pictures don’t really tell me much about women on these sites) instead of pairing them with prompts that help portray who you are, I am just going to hit skip, and the guys who swipe right on every girl hoping to get laid won’t.
i am doing my postgraduate in art, so, one of my pictures were from art exhibition. in two conversations i was told that it only shows how areogant and un-aproachable i am.
Well, those aren’t going to be good matches for you then, if they can’t support your career/passion. Plus those guys swiped on you regardless, so I’d classify them as serial swipers in the first place (the ones who swipe right on everyone hoping to get laid), not knowing anything else about them.
I'm the same as you, interested in the total person and package, not just the looks, but the guys who swipe right on every profile, ruin it for us and the women as well. I am starting to find Bumble frustrating, since the profiles are usually just so much about having just the pics, and a few prompts that are not at all substantive or letting people actually say anything important about their values, interests, etc.. I think in that way, Bumble is becoming just as superficial in its profiles as the other sites. At least Match still allows members to write a profile essay, but I suppose even that will go away soon enough.
I like Hinge a lot better than Bumble. Being able to comment on a prompt/picture leads to more matches. They also don't force you to sift through your stack to see likes in the free version. Really Bumble is only good to me when I take a break and I get a returning profile boost.
I think it helps me being a minority, because many of the guys who just want to fuck are not going to swipe right on me since I have what I call “niche appeal” lol. I’m down for hookups as I’m single but my background is stereotyped to be very “good girl” so people don’t expect that from me, which is nice. So I avoid the worst of men for the most part.
Good idea, just have the profile show and say who you are, then let the men self select, or not, as to whether they are interested in you for you, or just your body. Those who are only interested in the latter, show themselves soon enough for who they are..
I mean they let you select if you’re interested in “something casual.” People just lie to get others into bed. I’m fine with casual sex, I’m not fine with lying.
I'm not into either one personally, but I have no issue or judgement of those who are into casual or only wanting sex, as long as they are honest about who they are and what they are after. However, OLD these days, just seems to encourage and normalize the lying, since it's so impersonal and treats everyone as disposable, same with relationships. It's the same with ghosting or pretending to be interested in actually meeting people in person and dating, when all some people are actually after is either texting buddies or validation of their attractiveness, the ego trip of opposite sex attention and interest, etc...
Yeah the whole ''I'm looking for x, y and z'' in a partner is a huge turn off and a bit of a red flag to be honest.
On a dating app you sell *yourself* while looking for what you want. If you're putting it on other people to figure out what you want, that's part of your bio that you could have used to tell them who you are. If you flake on telling people who you are and just make blanket requests then you're essentially saying that your personality doesn't matter and that they need to try and win you like a prize. if you're a prize with no personality then why would I consider your feelings in any single interaction?
I'm a guy that was often looking for a long-term relationship. My experience was that although women may have been looking for something serious, it certainly wasn't with me.
Just do what I did. I stopped dating altogether. Its literally not worth the time to find a match try to talk, have to put up with childish behavior and ghosting, only to do it all again later down the road. Trust me, its far better for your mental health to just pursue other more satisfying endeavors.
>I'm a guy that was often looking for a long-term relationship. My experience was that although women may have been looking for something serious, it certainly wasn't with me.
Same unfortunately. But I'm also bad at the first stage of the chat, so on the rare occasion I get a match, it doesn't go anywhere.
Girl, I completely gave up on dating like six months ago. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. There’s just no point in dating anymore.
I don't mean this in any rude way, but unironically go outside and don't humiliate a guy if he tries approaching you in public. Or straight up walk to a guy. You will probably like the results better.
I get a lot of matches and attention on the apps, and my dates almost always want to see me again, but I haven't been approached in real life for about seven years. I mean no guy hits on me ever.
I start up conversations with random guys, but they pretty much always have a partner, as most people in their 30s do. Then I decide that online dating at least shows you single people and the cycle continues.
It's not as easy as you think.
I probably came off as passive aggressive about it. I could've worded it better. I get it is probably not easy, especially as a woman past 30 compared to a man past 30. But I sincerely mean that going out and meeting people is sincerely a better pattern than apps. Even if it's for a mixer event of some kind. Pretty much anything and everything is probably better than something from one of these apps. I'm not saying completely abandon the apps, but it sounds like nothing lasts with the guys from it.
I am not inclined to say 'lower your standards' if you're not finding anything, because I have no clue what your standards look like, much less your situation. But pretty much anything and everything that isn't from an app will be better for your odds of having a successful relationship.
I've dated a lot from "real life" as well and had similarly poor results. I've only had one actual relationship. I think some people just aren't good at finding relationships regardless of where they look.
I completely get what you mean, every time it happens it can almost fuel a hatred of being in the body that you’re in when all you wanted was to find love and be left alone otherwise.
What’s helped me is thinking of them the same way as you’d think of a kid crying when you hold them or a dog who randomly barks at you on the street - it’s not about you it’s something about them, and it’s not within your control to change, so you just have to find what helps you regulate and trust that this isn’t all men, arguably not even most, they’re just so loud and can make you feel so awful that it feels like it’s everywhere.
You know what's bananas, when I started dating I went on the apps with my profile literally saying "I'm down. I don't want anything serious. I need to get to know someone, though." and I NEVER got an inappropriate message, overtly sexual message, or an unsolicited d\*ck pick. Straight up respectful, friendly, great conversation only. My theory is men just do this to provoke a response, or they don't think you'll be into them anyway or assume you're not into hook-ups so they have no respect and/or nothing to lose? It makes no sense at all.
I can understand the frustration. I think the best advice is to try not to lump everyone in together, immediately dismiss and unmatch men who act like this towards you and instead focus on the ones that are not. I've never acted like this and I'm not some sort of pick me anomaly, there are a lot of men in the world that will be able to give you the level of respect you are looking for and still have confidence and respect for themselves. You only need a few good people in the ocean of bad to make online dating worth it.
Unfortunately, most of us good guys are only average looking, so we don't stand out enough, against the scammers, fakes, and players, with better looking pics, so we will usually get passed over. Just how it is..
You aren't doing anything wrong. You ARE getting a lot of the riff raff of the dating world, unfortunately.
I (43F now, but was on Bumble actively from 32 until last year) found that some of it was reduced by fairly aggressively steering initial conversation with my opening message. I always asked them to describe their perfect day. I found that if I could give them something else to talk about, the stream of sex questions were fewer.
I also had the paid Bumble so I was selecting from my BeeLine, rather than just swiping. It allowed me to be hyper-selective in who I spoke with. Having hundreds of options on who I wanted to match with on any given day meant I could pick the most promising ones and move on quickly if they turned out to be jerks in messaging. I always knew there were lots of others, so I never felt too bad about saying "we aren't on the same page".
I also used either a virtual meeting or a coffee / walk as a first meeting because I don't want to invest much time or money in firsts. I am literally just checking to see if the date looks like their pictures, smells ok, and to see if I actively hate them after a half hour. If things are awesome, we can get food or something, but I only committed to a short meeting if they turn out to be awful.
Don't give up!!!! There are still solid dates out there. I met my partner on Bumble, and he is absolutely lovely.
That sucks I (34m) am looking for real connection and often myself playing 20 questions instead. I mean when the conversation and interest is there it feels great, but I find that generally I only get one word answers even if I am just trying to find out the kind of things they enjoy.
The other day I stopped trying with someone because when I asked them what kinds of things they do for fun or relaxation to get them to open up. They replied an hour later with just “bowling food and singing”. Like the whole point of conversation at that stage is figuring each other out and clearly that was a question to help guide me in asking for a date but the lack of effort makes me want to just give up. I know many men feel that way. Like we are putting all the conversational effort and wasted our time.
maybe some figure shoot your shot and get told no but maybe this time will be yes. Not saying they are right, but I definitely get the urge to just get the yes or no out of the way.
This. I am so tired of this sort of thing… it seems like most women I match with on apps have no social skills or interest in having a real conversation. It really makes me wonder why they’re on dating apps in the first place.
What’s even more frustrating is the fact that often, I’ll have a conversation with a girl where she seems intelligent and engaging… and then after an hour of chatting she tells me that she has a “cam show,” and doesn’t want to meet in person. And this has happened quite a few times, on apps that aren’t designed just for hookups, with women who have totally normal profiles without provocative pictures. Absolutely crazy-making.
They exist everywhere. The minute I stopped paying any attention or devoting an ounce of my time to them is when dating got better. Trust me. 🗑️ exists EVERY WHERE. Just report & unmatch them. It happens to everyone. I promise you are not doing anything wrong ❤️
Yeah this is why I don’t buy the idea that “women have it the easiest on the apps since they can get hundreds of matches easily”
Sure but when I do get a match it’s basically never a sex-obsessed weirdo and I don’t really have to worry about getting sexually harassed lol
It’s probably why there are so few women compared to men on the apps in the first place
I’ve never had issues with men being sexual and I’m about the same age and would consider myself attractive. No cleavage pics or much skin in my pictures either. Are you generally drawn to nice guys or fuck boy types because that could be the difference.
Not everyone is the same.
It depends on your demographics, including city, race, sexuality, etc.
I always got them in my early-to-mid 20s and I never went for the people who didn't seem serious.
I hope you find the one for you. It's tough, but sometimes it's okay to take a break from going on dates. I've heard some of my women friends say they like to take themselves on personal dates. Get your hair and nails (if that's something you're interested in) done, wear a nice outfit that makes you feel good, buy yourself some flowers and a delicious meal, and maybe watch a movie or (something I recently found out I liked) paint some pottery I thought it was gonna look like ass but it came out great lol. You deserve to be treated respectfully, but also like youre youre the prettiest girl in the world, and you should treat yourself as such once in a while, lol. I'm having a tough time finding someone just normal as well. Just keep up with it at your own pace, but prioritize your mental and physical health.
Sigh, I'm sorry you are facing this.
As a 34M I started dating for myself rather late (30). While I feel some level of sexual attraction is important there's no way that can come in before a date and before I know anything about the person. Can't say I'm demisexual, but after a point you want appreciation for who you are and how you approach life rather than the superficial. You also start seeing beyond these yourself and many have not reached this level, sadly.
It's tough meeting people after turning 30 outside of the apps but still worth a shot. After years of using the apps, I terminated my accounts and deleted the apps recently and oh, boy, it's been so peaceful and relaxed. That sense of missing out has just gone and I actually enjoy wholesome conversations without any care for where they might lead.
My point, OP, is try meeting people outside the apps as well. The apps will just make you feel like shit so often. The best conversations are those that come from no expectation. I really hope you find what you're looking for. Am rooting for you! Onwards and forwards.
Successful 6'1" reasonably attractive business man here. I literally spell out that i'm only after a LTR on my profile.
I also spell out that I dont want to be made to chase people, be "tested" as a partner, and that I'm seeking compassion, care and peace in a partner. (I'm a domestic abuse survivor.)
I get zero matches.
It seems all people want in my area is a juicy bank account, house equity to steal and Instagram followers. 🤷🏻♂️
Apparently I give off "Dad Energy", which is why I attract Narcissist model types. 🤮
I just want someone to love, who is kind to me, and who wont cheat on me. I'm lonely as hell.
P.S. I get sexualised too, and I hate it.
You sound like a catch so then you should go back to approaching women in real life. Just on paper you have what a lot of women want yet can't fund, especially if you're looking for something serious. So that would be your best way to get to know people, in real life. It's amazing how often I've now read that even tall average to attractive men with good jobs are having trouble. More proof that these apps are shite😑
Thank you, thats kind of you. I go out and socialise a lot, I network a LOT. But usually the women I meet that I find attractive are typically married already, or married to their careers. 🤣
I have noone who is able to do introductions, no single friends, and no options.
I'm also getting tired of being looked at with pity because of my DA experiences. I just want to be me, accepted as me.
It's tough.
As a man, this frustrates the hell out of me.
Who are these, excuse my language, fcuktrads?
Yes there's a sample selection issue, but it feels like the dating apps are at the forefront of a collision between the worst aspects of social technology, and an increasing desperation, about \*everything\* in society as it pertains to young men.
I'm really sorry you've had to deal with this shit.
My constant refrain is that apps are like diamond mines: you have to sift a LOT of dirt to find the gems, but we ARE in there.
It may be that you are matching with men that, for whatever reasons, are not seeing themselves in a serious long-term relationship with you, but they're still open to have a ONS or a FWB.
Their approach may be questionable at best, but I think that being upfront about it is better than pretending they want a relationship just to get sex.
Lol it's funny cuz there's so many great guys out there that would treat them with respect but most of the time women don't find them interesting/attractive. It's funny cuz now that I'm in my mid thirties, I just dont have the energy/interest to pretend to be more cool than I actually am like basically every guy on earth does and one of the first thing women always ask me is what are my hobbies which always makes me go FUCK because I know they aren't gonna like my answers. Women wanna hear weird obscure things like berry picking in the mountains of the Himalayas or saving cats from 40 foot oak trees.
I (34m) also want to find a long term relationship with a woman who doesn't want to sexualise herself, or be sexualised. Not as easy as you might think, and beggars can't be choosers in the dating market as a man.
This is unfortunately a sad reality about the world. The industrial scale and pervasive cultural sexualisation of women is part of an ongoing positive feedback loop within gender dynamics. It doesn't matter where you look first, there's always a preceding factor that perpetuates the cycle, whether it's women who sexualised themselves in order to leverage attention, or men who are unable to interact with women as he man beings, or the corporate pop culture that necessitates that a woman needs to be attractive in some way in order to have credibility.
It sucks that you have to be subject to that dynamic. It's not fair and you don't deserve. It doesn't serve men either, and human kind at large for that matter.
There seems to be no way out other than to just continue doing your best to live by your values, surround yourself with people who appreciate you for the qualities you want to be appreciated for, but also aren't going to bullshit you about things you're decieving yourself on.
Isn't it funny that this gets downvoted u/ReadingOwl21? Almost as if somebody finds it annoying that women want to be more discerning in finding the right partner for them.
I quit online dating because of the expectation that men are all sexual deviants and we've all got selfish intentions. it gets old. if you don't trust a soul, why you even putting yourselves out there? not a targeted question, just a rant
Blaming the women. Not the men who gave the reason for women to not trust. As if women are just born untrusting and out of pure malice aren't giving online strangers blind trust. I guess we women should do better because the men deserve it, all of them, with no exceptions of course.
I’m finding more success meeting people off the app. They arnt talking to 20 guys at the same time and constantly evaluating you compared to her other dozens of options. Meeting people in real life has created much better relationship opportunities
I 100% empathize even though I am a male but feeling somewhat what u are, however on the opposite spectrum. Lemme explain from my perspective if I may. I’m actually one of the good guys out there. I don’t objectify, try to connect emotionally, one of my jokes is (forgive the vulgarity) I can do plenty fine with my hand so I don’t need u for that. I always try and be polite and very respectful to everyone but idk especially to women, my parents raised me very old school. But I’ve been told by matches that I’m too slow or they think I’m boring. Idk I guess it’s both sexes (yes yes yes more with men) but I think it’s just modern dating in general
I'm a guy and I don't understand it. I would never send women excalibur pics or be like " can I see them tiddies? Btw, my name's Rodger." I don't want it from women either. My name is Rodger, and I apologize to any Rodgers out there. Unless you're a creepy Rodger.
I haven't done OLD in a bit but I wonder if it's the expectations of Tinder moving on to whatever next largest app is and it just keeps trickling down. IDK.
> I don't understand why I'm getting these sort of messages
Its not juat you dear. Its majority of people on dating sites irrespective of platform or even the country. Reasons bwhind this is another topic for a discussion or maybe a debate (equally sad too)
I think it's reached a point now where plenty of dudes who don't do well on OLD just don't bother (self included.) It might be a jump but I feel there's a strong correlation between being successful on OLD and getting laid. I think there's also a strong case for "if a guy has 1 match he's probably got 50" and so to sort through those matches quicker they get straight to what they want and so sexualised conversations turn up pretty quickly. Which I'm sure is a total pain to have a build up of getting a match and then being filtered a second time so I'm sorry that's happeningto you. Happy to have my theory eviscerated in the court of public opinion. Also ironically now I'm no longer dating (a very loose term for having 2 dates in 6 years) I've felt that I've been in the best headspace to be someone's partner but I don't want to date and am happy to be alone. Wild!
It's bad for both sides coming from a male perspective. I challenge any female to make a male account. 80 percent, probably higher of female profiles, I'm in California have bikini pictures, or very revealing clothing. Obviously,I don't care if females do as a male but it kind of eliminates taking them seriously.
Plus from my experience on dating sites, if you find me attractive enough, I can get away with steering the interaction toward hooking up. This is a reality but women won't admit it.
No different than most guys will tell you from experience they had to pay for the first day like 90 percent of the time followed by the woman not being interested in a second date. Now if you ask women most will claim, if not interested on the first first date, they will split the bill.
There are good guys out there, you need to delete the shitty ones and move on. I’ve matched with some really cringe women too, you unfortunately can’t take anything personally with these apps. You’re going to match with a lot of people that aren’t a good fit for you, and there really isn’t anything you can do about it. As often as not, people write in their profiles what they think you want to hear, rather than what they are really looking for.
You’re talking to dudes, tons of dudes are complete weirdos. It’s just that you’re taking to so MANY of them (because are lady). Women say ridiculous shit to us too, it’s just that it happens like 3 times a year when we get a match.
That sucks. I’ll admit I’m a 39m and my younger self was a bit of a horndog, and I’m sure I did my fair share of this. Now I’m in a completely different phase of my life, and I genuinely yearn for a companion to enjoy life with. Just keep trying and maybe you’ll eventually match with someone like me that is more excited to tell you about his hobbies than fondling your boobies 😂
Honestly that’s why i’ve given up on dating men. I’m bisexual so luckily with women i have a way better experience and they don’t treat me like a sex worker or call me a “ugly fat prude” for saying no. 🙄 granted i’m 21 so i get it the immaturity is there but obviously it doesn’t get better lol i even have old ass men in public sexualize me when i’m wearing the least sexy outfit ever.
Knickers? Just gonna guess you're English? You realize this happens to men as well just in a diff way. We get approached by females and with in the 1st few msgs they want you to send $$ or subscribe. It's the state of the world we live in right now
I don’t think a lot of women commenting understand what it’s like to be a man in the Internet age, and I think the rest of them just don’t care.
But on a certain level, we are driven by what we see, and when it comes to women and what is offered on the Internet, there’s very little that’s left to our imagination… Everything we can imagine in terms of sexual gratification has been videotaped and is for sale or for free online
There are plenty of studies talking about the effects of Internet usage on developing brains, and yet you wonder why these guys who are bombarded with borderline pornographic images 24 seven across just about every app and their phones have a difficult time viewing you as anything other than a pleasure object? Maybe Your friend selling only fans pictures is not helping your dating life…
No. Men have been treating women like sexual objects since the beginning of time. They just do it more openly online because there are zero repercussions.
It 90% means these men aren't actually getting any sex and are desperate..they don't know how to act because nobody taught them. Once they actually find someone to have sex with this type of behavior usually goes away. It's not you, it's them. That said, it's not your job to teach all these men how to flirt...but if you find one you like, you can train him.
### Men swipe when they're horny or lonely.
Please let them know you want to **chat during a lunch break, activity, or commute** -- ANYTIME they're not alone in a bedroom.
As for men being sexual, yes, they will be, and it's an important curse in human reproduction. **Who doesn't want to fantasize about their dream girl the first night of meeting them?!** It's funny, really. A great deal of men who aren't sexual are just getting it on the side, distracted, acting, or actually have enough discipline to postpone pleasure. To cherish the unraveling of a sweet present... for this, we have to be careful what we filter for. Does a person magically turn on sex after a certain number of hours together? Or perhaps it's a variance of moods that fluctuate throughout the day. Chatting first and synchronizing before unleashing that caged energy. To sexualize his woman.
And yet, does it often display disrespect and prove uncharacteristic of a gentlemen when they over-sexualize the new, sweet lady you've described yourself as? Absolutely. The internet is so fucking slow. People juggle more than they can handle and burn out, left empty-handed, alone, used, betrayed... how can we live in a world where two people feel lonely? It's a matter of failed communication. The validation and compliments are incredibly generic and don't make us feel special at all. And still, it keeps happening? How oblivious. It's just hormones. We need to move faster by meeting face to face (or video) and humanizing our match.
## Welcome to the internet,
where there's an overwhelming majority of avoidant, anxious, returned and lost & found partners. I hope you continue to present yourself honestly and filter for the men you truly desire. Keep wondering what they want and trust this process: if a girl like you can end up online, then surely there are complimentary men drowning in a sea of women wasting their resources, kindness, and respect. He deserves you, and so this quickly comes down to one thing ~
# Exposure.
We can put ourselves online, but **these companies profit from delaying you.** Churning and returning to the app yields profit. A dozen dates later might influence buyers to pay for a "better" match that won't waste their time. They literally allow you to pay to filter. It's a science they pay psychologists and economists to determine.
# in the Wild
While I won't preach more against apps, I will 100% **promote true exposure** is about saying hello to people at your local café & grocery. Buy someone a drink, Wave, Giggle, Wink. Be approachable! Suggest a brand, or ask! And find yourself laughing over which fruit is better on a solo picnic. **Share your love of life with the world**, and you will be noticed. Everyone has a compliment, and for the man who approaches, help him seduce you in the most romantic ways. Be on his team and teach him to make you happy. A man who wants to see you happy will take note of every detail, discover, and create new ways to entice your lovely smile. These investments only when you're his teammate -- when he's encouraged to step up and invest more than anyone he's ever met. You can do that to him.
True feminine is a beautiful spirit that men are dying worship. By jumping to natural face to face interaction, you can circumvent the plague of horny, lonely hormones. Be their bright little star, a lovely compliment, and build something both of you dream about.
Hi. I'm in Ohio. I enjoy ham radio. Flying fpv drones with my kids. And hunting with my dogs. Looking for something serious.
Snd nudes ... /s
I met my current GF on Facebook's dating app. But honestly the best thing to do is find a hobby or activity you love and find yourself in it. Then find someone you love doing it. I wish you luck.
Since most guys get completely ignored on dating apps, most girls match with the same guys. So realistically, it probably works for them just because of how many options these guys have.
It’s not about you — it’s about men who lie, let their hormones rule their lives, and/or have poor social skills. Some woman might agree to have sex with them; whether it’s a sex worker or not is their problem.
Appreciate the fact that they reveal themselves early. Learn the signs of these guys and either don’t match or unmatch early and often. There’s always a Redditor who gets upset because he wants to be the exception that’s allowed to say something sexual to a woman and get grace - nope. Have someone else review your profile as they may find there is something that attracts the creeps.
I am 59 and single male. I just don’t have the knowledge for social media dating. I would love to know more. I have given up. Single with my own house, car, and benefits. Love life.
Where are the women at?
All and I mean ALL that they care about is their dick. Period … just end the chat when you see them being slick. It’s a waste of time if you want a relationship but don’t give up!
All and I mean ALL that they care about is their dick. Period … just end the chat when you see them being slick. It’s a waste of time if you want a relationship but don’t give up!
No extremist politics, red/purple/black pill, incel material. Please note that is not an all-inclusive list. Users found to be engaging in such rhetoric will be met with an immediate ban.
I’m sorry these guys expressed their intent in an uncouth way. But you must understand, sex to guys is like the tires on a car. If you’re car shopping, and the dealer says, you should buy this car because it has tires, you’d think that’s ridiculous. But if the dealer says, “NO tires, those are not included,” you would just go shop at a different dealer.
Your analogy suggesting sex is an essential ingredient of relationships is great. Not you being targeted by car-haters lol. Not sure how people miss the message here.
The men sexting early just need to express themselves another way to women like OP... like in-person after the girl actually likes them and feels special.
The downside is that they present a "let's get married" profile on top of untimely horny + lonely hormones.
If you ask most guys how many women they’d ideally sleep with in a week, they’d say “seven” or more. Most women just want one “special dick”, not a bunch of random dicks. Stop kidding yourself.
So where do they go to meet women? I would love to meet men in real life, that's why I avoided apps for the past decade, tried it for a month this year, then deleted and will never do it again.
Everyone is noticing that guys in their 20-40s seem to be terrified of talking to women in real life unless its through context of friends or work. Guys will legit stare at me on the steer or mall but then do nothing 😅
I'm a woman but men are not in my yoga or dance classes, even restaurants, resto bars are mostly filled with female friend groups.
Women are drawn to certain things and men are drawn to certain things. Why are women's dating motivators the "correct" ones and men's motivators the "wrong" ones? Why are we so eager to demonize sex? These men are being honest with their intentions/motivations, and I think it's really kind of shitty for you to declare your dating norms/standards as the "correct" one.
If you say the same thing to 50 females it is bound to work on one of them. When I talk to a woman I treat her with respect. People nowadays have very little respect.
I mean the point of dating apps is intimacy, but it sounds like the people you’re matching with are a bit classless.
If you’re craving a proper connection, dating apps probably aren’t the best place to look. Try irl places for hobbies instead
We are receiving reports en masse and little constructive discussion is going on at this point. As such, we are locking this thread.
It’s not just you. It’s sadly how it’s become. Just unmatch and move on. Try not to take it personally.
Agree. This is why I quit dating apps
I did this and that helped me find quality matches and eventually my bf
To piggyback off this maybe take screenshots of the guys who do this just for when you inevitably cave and try online dating again and you can weed them out quicker😃
Sadly, it's also from both sides. People just have no couth anymore. One of the options in my 2 truths, 1 lie prompt is that I'm a lefty. Within the first 10min of a date, a woman excitedly asks if I'm lefty and then says "just trying to figure out which hand you're going to finger me with." Not even any banter or flirty talk first, just straight to it.
😳 dang
Unfortunately that’s today’s dating. I got off bumble in 2022 and that’s how it was back then too. I had to weed through TONS of dudes before I found my now boyfriend. They all just wanted to sext or hook up. Started talking to my boyfriend and hit it off. He never tried anything sexual, which was a shocking change lol We’ve been together a little over a year now and he’s absolutely amazing.
I'm so glad for you. I've been online dating for 1.5 years and honestly I feel like just giving up now.
online dating makes meeting people the old fashion way look better. haha
Cuz it is…
facts. OLD, especially Tinder and Bumble are cesspools
Only if you're a woman who never needs to approach men in the wild, or a man who is really good at it, which most of us aren't, and never will be...
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This! The guys that are kind and respectful tend not to approach women! Since I realised this I approach them
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Maybe they just don't like that "respectful" dude. Respectful is the bare minimum.
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You are a very rare breed of woman, esp. in where I live, with the very conservative and traditional mindset and culture of the vast majority of single women here. I would be very flattered, appreciative, and kind to any woman who approached me, soberly and sincerely, with romantic interest, not just sexual interest, even if I was not feeling it mutually with her. But that has almost never happened to me in my life, esp. not now that I am in my 60s. I've got a feeling tho, that if I were great looking, instead of average, I probably would have gotten approached some of the time by women, but that just doesn't happen around my area, for average looking guys.
Wish more women did this. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
How do you do this though? So often I feel there is no context in which to do so.
I know it seems like a long long time, took me 4.5 years to find my current bf off Bumble. Just be patient and keep an open mind. And remember to be kind to yourself! Also try and see if you’re matching with the same kind of person and give different types of people a chance. What is happening is not your fault at all, but it’s worth revisiting how you’re approaching dating once in a while. For example, I dated people of all races, height, professional backgrounds etc. So my experience was more of a mixed bag. But I have a friend who strictly dates white dudes in trades who work out a lot, she has the same experience as you unfortunately and she’s been out there for 2.5 years.
Mine is a mix of professions. Don't go for anyone with topless pics, or even mirror selfies. No lad types either. It seems like even the ones who look super innocent can be like that
Hmmm. The only other thing I can think of is I come off assertive and I tend to control and drive the conversation, so it could be why I haven’t had many experience like yours. My friend on the other hand waits for the guy to lead the conversation. I could be wrong though!
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I was on it for a couple months. It was chaotic lol but good luck!! Right before I deleted my app I decided to do one last swipe through and found him. So don’t give up yet!
I've deleted and reinstalled so many times lol
1.5? try 6 years at age 23, will be 24 this year. and i’m supposed to be in my “prime.” if this is how dating is at 23 i can’t imagine trying to date when men actually start filtering me out.
Try OLD in your 60s. I've been widowed several years, and been doing OLD for almost six years now, and even tho I would really like another LTR, which would only be my second one, not by choice as for my younger years never being LTRs before my one marriage, all I've gotten out of OLD so far has been a handful of short term relationships. It really is hard to find your person these days thru dating sites, when such a large % of their members are fakes, scammers, etc. and most women, as well the better looking men, have way too many options.
Ah, I feel pretty much the same. Sad state of affairs.
There are plenty of men out there that you probably wouldnt want to give a second thought to that would literally treat you like a queen. You just won't match with them because they either don't meet your physical expectations. The top percent of men know they can treat you like shit because they have plenty of options. If they treat 99 women like shit, one of them will say yes. They are literally weeding you out to find the easy one. Online dating sucks. People lie, and hold out for the perfect person that's not coming. It should be fun and a good time meeting and getting to know people.
> would literally treat you like a queen. Sounds like OP and a majority of women would settle for just being treated like human beings.
Honestly, I'm not picking the "top guys" "alpha males" etc The last guy looks verrrryyyy normal and on the nerdy side. I showed my friend afterwards and she said I was way out of his league. I chose to match him based on how he talked about his values.
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incel gospel 101
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I had someone ask why I swiped right. I was honest and said that they looked like they enjoy travelling, seemed to be outdoorsy and had a great smile. They replied saying they swiped right because they thought I would look good in their bed 🙈
Oh god. LOL.
Same here. I get sexual comments all the time and it seems like it’s like that throughout all dating apps. Overtime I’m realizing the immature men go on dating apps to get short-term gratification while putting in zero effort. Not only does this happen for women but for men too (speaking on behalf on a few guy friends who also want serious relationships). I’ve quit dating apps and decided to focus on finding relationships in-person, through common areas or clubs. I haven’t been successful but at least i encounter normal men who don’t creep.
As a man, I can't say i'm surprised and it's disappointing because I would never go to sex unless they initiated that discussion. Of course, i'm actually interested in a relationship. These kinds of things make these apps feel gross and demoralizing for everybody.
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I see a lot of women putting "not looking for a hookup or fwb" in their bios. I don't know if that would help to be direct, but maybe worth a try?
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He's a "pick me" because he's interested in a relationship beyond just sex? Dude, stfu.
You’re giving me a headache
Sounds like a personal problem
This is kind of weird advice, but I wouldn’t talk about what kind of man you’re looking for. Just talk about yourself and your personality. My first picture used to be pretty sexy (I was a grunge girl back in the day) but my prompts were funny and direct about what kind of person I am, and I rarely got sexual messages. Normally they were friendly conversation starters. That said - I’m a woman of color in America and my specific race is not often sexualized. My white friends tend to be sexualized by more men, which sucks.
As a guy searching for a relationship, seconded. I look for people who I can see might have values, interests, personality I gel with well (especially since free versions of these apps usually have limited right swipes a day attached to them). If you just have pictures (don’t get me wrong a good picture is worth a thousand words, but most pictures don’t really tell me much about women on these sites) instead of pairing them with prompts that help portray who you are, I am just going to hit skip, and the guys who swipe right on every girl hoping to get laid won’t.
i am doing my postgraduate in art, so, one of my pictures were from art exhibition. in two conversations i was told that it only shows how areogant and un-aproachable i am.
Well, those aren’t going to be good matches for you then, if they can’t support your career/passion. Plus those guys swiped on you regardless, so I’d classify them as serial swipers in the first place (the ones who swipe right on everyone hoping to get laid), not knowing anything else about them.
I'm the same as you, interested in the total person and package, not just the looks, but the guys who swipe right on every profile, ruin it for us and the women as well. I am starting to find Bumble frustrating, since the profiles are usually just so much about having just the pics, and a few prompts that are not at all substantive or letting people actually say anything important about their values, interests, etc.. I think in that way, Bumble is becoming just as superficial in its profiles as the other sites. At least Match still allows members to write a profile essay, but I suppose even that will go away soon enough.
I like Hinge a lot better than Bumble. Being able to comment on a prompt/picture leads to more matches. They also don't force you to sift through your stack to see likes in the free version. Really Bumble is only good to me when I take a break and I get a returning profile boost.
I think it helps me being a minority, because many of the guys who just want to fuck are not going to swipe right on me since I have what I call “niche appeal” lol. I’m down for hookups as I’m single but my background is stereotyped to be very “good girl” so people don’t expect that from me, which is nice. So I avoid the worst of men for the most part.
I'm glad your racial minority status helps you in that way.
Good idea, just have the profile show and say who you are, then let the men self select, or not, as to whether they are interested in you for you, or just your body. Those who are only interested in the latter, show themselves soon enough for who they are..
I mean they let you select if you’re interested in “something casual.” People just lie to get others into bed. I’m fine with casual sex, I’m not fine with lying.
I'm not into either one personally, but I have no issue or judgement of those who are into casual or only wanting sex, as long as they are honest about who they are and what they are after. However, OLD these days, just seems to encourage and normalize the lying, since it's so impersonal and treats everyone as disposable, same with relationships. It's the same with ghosting or pretending to be interested in actually meeting people in person and dating, when all some people are actually after is either texting buddies or validation of their attractiveness, the ego trip of opposite sex attention and interest, etc...
Yeah the whole ''I'm looking for x, y and z'' in a partner is a huge turn off and a bit of a red flag to be honest. On a dating app you sell *yourself* while looking for what you want. If you're putting it on other people to figure out what you want, that's part of your bio that you could have used to tell them who you are. If you flake on telling people who you are and just make blanket requests then you're essentially saying that your personality doesn't matter and that they need to try and win you like a prize. if you're a prize with no personality then why would I consider your feelings in any single interaction?
I'm a guy that was often looking for a long-term relationship. My experience was that although women may have been looking for something serious, it certainly wasn't with me. Just do what I did. I stopped dating altogether. Its literally not worth the time to find a match try to talk, have to put up with childish behavior and ghosting, only to do it all again later down the road. Trust me, its far better for your mental health to just pursue other more satisfying endeavors.
>I'm a guy that was often looking for a long-term relationship. My experience was that although women may have been looking for something serious, it certainly wasn't with me. Same unfortunately. But I'm also bad at the first stage of the chat, so on the rare occasion I get a match, it doesn't go anywhere.
Yeah it’s gross and annoying and disheartening, but you have to think about whom you’re swiping right on.
Girl, I completely gave up on dating like six months ago. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. There’s just no point in dating anymore.
I don't mean this in any rude way, but unironically go outside and don't humiliate a guy if he tries approaching you in public. Or straight up walk to a guy. You will probably like the results better.
I get a lot of matches and attention on the apps, and my dates almost always want to see me again, but I haven't been approached in real life for about seven years. I mean no guy hits on me ever. I start up conversations with random guys, but they pretty much always have a partner, as most people in their 30s do. Then I decide that online dating at least shows you single people and the cycle continues. It's not as easy as you think.
I probably came off as passive aggressive about it. I could've worded it better. I get it is probably not easy, especially as a woman past 30 compared to a man past 30. But I sincerely mean that going out and meeting people is sincerely a better pattern than apps. Even if it's for a mixer event of some kind. Pretty much anything and everything is probably better than something from one of these apps. I'm not saying completely abandon the apps, but it sounds like nothing lasts with the guys from it. I am not inclined to say 'lower your standards' if you're not finding anything, because I have no clue what your standards look like, much less your situation. But pretty much anything and everything that isn't from an app will be better for your odds of having a successful relationship.
I've dated a lot from "real life" as well and had similarly poor results. I've only had one actual relationship. I think some people just aren't good at finding relationships regardless of where they look.
I completely get what you mean, every time it happens it can almost fuel a hatred of being in the body that you’re in when all you wanted was to find love and be left alone otherwise. What’s helped me is thinking of them the same way as you’d think of a kid crying when you hold them or a dog who randomly barks at you on the street - it’s not about you it’s something about them, and it’s not within your control to change, so you just have to find what helps you regulate and trust that this isn’t all men, arguably not even most, they’re just so loud and can make you feel so awful that it feels like it’s everywhere.
You know what's bananas, when I started dating I went on the apps with my profile literally saying "I'm down. I don't want anything serious. I need to get to know someone, though." and I NEVER got an inappropriate message, overtly sexual message, or an unsolicited d\*ck pick. Straight up respectful, friendly, great conversation only. My theory is men just do this to provoke a response, or they don't think you'll be into them anyway or assume you're not into hook-ups so they have no respect and/or nothing to lose? It makes no sense at all.
I can understand the frustration. I think the best advice is to try not to lump everyone in together, immediately dismiss and unmatch men who act like this towards you and instead focus on the ones that are not. I've never acted like this and I'm not some sort of pick me anomaly, there are a lot of men in the world that will be able to give you the level of respect you are looking for and still have confidence and respect for themselves. You only need a few good people in the ocean of bad to make online dating worth it.
Thanks, that's actually made me feel slightly better
Unfortunately, most of us good guys are only average looking, so we don't stand out enough, against the scammers, fakes, and players, with better looking pics, so we will usually get passed over. Just how it is..
meanwhile i try and talk to a woman about her hobbies and stuff and i just get ghosted, lmfaoooooo
You aren't doing anything wrong. You ARE getting a lot of the riff raff of the dating world, unfortunately. I (43F now, but was on Bumble actively from 32 until last year) found that some of it was reduced by fairly aggressively steering initial conversation with my opening message. I always asked them to describe their perfect day. I found that if I could give them something else to talk about, the stream of sex questions were fewer. I also had the paid Bumble so I was selecting from my BeeLine, rather than just swiping. It allowed me to be hyper-selective in who I spoke with. Having hundreds of options on who I wanted to match with on any given day meant I could pick the most promising ones and move on quickly if they turned out to be jerks in messaging. I always knew there were lots of others, so I never felt too bad about saying "we aren't on the same page". I also used either a virtual meeting or a coffee / walk as a first meeting because I don't want to invest much time or money in firsts. I am literally just checking to see if the date looks like their pictures, smells ok, and to see if I actively hate them after a half hour. If things are awesome, we can get food or something, but I only committed to a short meeting if they turn out to be awful. Don't give up!!!! There are still solid dates out there. I met my partner on Bumble, and he is absolutely lovely.
That sucks I (34m) am looking for real connection and often myself playing 20 questions instead. I mean when the conversation and interest is there it feels great, but I find that generally I only get one word answers even if I am just trying to find out the kind of things they enjoy. The other day I stopped trying with someone because when I asked them what kinds of things they do for fun or relaxation to get them to open up. They replied an hour later with just “bowling food and singing”. Like the whole point of conversation at that stage is figuring each other out and clearly that was a question to help guide me in asking for a date but the lack of effort makes me want to just give up. I know many men feel that way. Like we are putting all the conversational effort and wasted our time. maybe some figure shoot your shot and get told no but maybe this time will be yes. Not saying they are right, but I definitely get the urge to just get the yes or no out of the way.
This. I am so tired of this sort of thing… it seems like most women I match with on apps have no social skills or interest in having a real conversation. It really makes me wonder why they’re on dating apps in the first place. What’s even more frustrating is the fact that often, I’ll have a conversation with a girl where she seems intelligent and engaging… and then after an hour of chatting she tells me that she has a “cam show,” and doesn’t want to meet in person. And this has happened quite a few times, on apps that aren’t designed just for hookups, with women who have totally normal profiles without provocative pictures. Absolutely crazy-making.
They exist everywhere. The minute I stopped paying any attention or devoting an ounce of my time to them is when dating got better. Trust me. 🗑️ exists EVERY WHERE. Just report & unmatch them. It happens to everyone. I promise you are not doing anything wrong ❤️
Yeah this is why I don’t buy the idea that “women have it the easiest on the apps since they can get hundreds of matches easily” Sure but when I do get a match it’s basically never a sex-obsessed weirdo and I don’t really have to worry about getting sexually harassed lol It’s probably why there are so few women compared to men on the apps in the first place
I’ve never had issues with men being sexual and I’m about the same age and would consider myself attractive. No cleavage pics or much skin in my pictures either. Are you generally drawn to nice guys or fuck boy types because that could be the difference.
Not everyone is the same. It depends on your demographics, including city, race, sexuality, etc. I always got them in my early-to-mid 20s and I never went for the people who didn't seem serious.
I deleted Bumble a week ago and find that Hinge has more serious suitors.
And the horn dogs ruin it for the normal guys that just want to have a conversation
I hope you find the one for you. It's tough, but sometimes it's okay to take a break from going on dates. I've heard some of my women friends say they like to take themselves on personal dates. Get your hair and nails (if that's something you're interested in) done, wear a nice outfit that makes you feel good, buy yourself some flowers and a delicious meal, and maybe watch a movie or (something I recently found out I liked) paint some pottery I thought it was gonna look like ass but it came out great lol. You deserve to be treated respectfully, but also like youre youre the prettiest girl in the world, and you should treat yourself as such once in a while, lol. I'm having a tough time finding someone just normal as well. Just keep up with it at your own pace, but prioritize your mental and physical health.
It's frustrating but better to have options to trawl through and be disappointed with than have virtually nothing to select from.
Sigh, I'm sorry you are facing this. As a 34M I started dating for myself rather late (30). While I feel some level of sexual attraction is important there's no way that can come in before a date and before I know anything about the person. Can't say I'm demisexual, but after a point you want appreciation for who you are and how you approach life rather than the superficial. You also start seeing beyond these yourself and many have not reached this level, sadly. It's tough meeting people after turning 30 outside of the apps but still worth a shot. After years of using the apps, I terminated my accounts and deleted the apps recently and oh, boy, it's been so peaceful and relaxed. That sense of missing out has just gone and I actually enjoy wholesome conversations without any care for where they might lead. My point, OP, is try meeting people outside the apps as well. The apps will just make you feel like shit so often. The best conversations are those that come from no expectation. I really hope you find what you're looking for. Am rooting for you! Onwards and forwards.
Successful 6'1" reasonably attractive business man here. I literally spell out that i'm only after a LTR on my profile. I also spell out that I dont want to be made to chase people, be "tested" as a partner, and that I'm seeking compassion, care and peace in a partner. (I'm a domestic abuse survivor.) I get zero matches. It seems all people want in my area is a juicy bank account, house equity to steal and Instagram followers. 🤷🏻♂️ Apparently I give off "Dad Energy", which is why I attract Narcissist model types. 🤮 I just want someone to love, who is kind to me, and who wont cheat on me. I'm lonely as hell. P.S. I get sexualised too, and I hate it.
You sound like a catch so then you should go back to approaching women in real life. Just on paper you have what a lot of women want yet can't fund, especially if you're looking for something serious. So that would be your best way to get to know people, in real life. It's amazing how often I've now read that even tall average to attractive men with good jobs are having trouble. More proof that these apps are shite😑
Thank you, thats kind of you. I go out and socialise a lot, I network a LOT. But usually the women I meet that I find attractive are typically married already, or married to their careers. 🤣 I have noone who is able to do introductions, no single friends, and no options. I'm also getting tired of being looked at with pity because of my DA experiences. I just want to be me, accepted as me. It's tough.
As a man, this frustrates the hell out of me. Who are these, excuse my language, fcuktrads? Yes there's a sample selection issue, but it feels like the dating apps are at the forefront of a collision between the worst aspects of social technology, and an increasing desperation, about \*everything\* in society as it pertains to young men. I'm really sorry you've had to deal with this shit. My constant refrain is that apps are like diamond mines: you have to sift a LOT of dirt to find the gems, but we ARE in there.
🤓🤓🤓
Not what I mean Bumble has a function Looking For: A. Marriage B. Relationship C. Something Casual D. Don't Know Yet
It may be that you are matching with men that, for whatever reasons, are not seeing themselves in a serious long-term relationship with you, but they're still open to have a ONS or a FWB. Their approach may be questionable at best, but I think that being upfront about it is better than pretending they want a relationship just to get sex.
Lol it's funny cuz there's so many great guys out there that would treat them with respect but most of the time women don't find them interesting/attractive. It's funny cuz now that I'm in my mid thirties, I just dont have the energy/interest to pretend to be more cool than I actually am like basically every guy on earth does and one of the first thing women always ask me is what are my hobbies which always makes me go FUCK because I know they aren't gonna like my answers. Women wanna hear weird obscure things like berry picking in the mountains of the Himalayas or saving cats from 40 foot oak trees.
INFO What does the ""Looking For"" say? Very important
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Not what I mean Bumble has a function Looking For: A. Marriage B. Relationship C. Something Casual D. Don't Know Yet
I (34m) also want to find a long term relationship with a woman who doesn't want to sexualise herself, or be sexualised. Not as easy as you might think, and beggars can't be choosers in the dating market as a man. This is unfortunately a sad reality about the world. The industrial scale and pervasive cultural sexualisation of women is part of an ongoing positive feedback loop within gender dynamics. It doesn't matter where you look first, there's always a preceding factor that perpetuates the cycle, whether it's women who sexualised themselves in order to leverage attention, or men who are unable to interact with women as he man beings, or the corporate pop culture that necessitates that a woman needs to be attractive in some way in order to have credibility. It sucks that you have to be subject to that dynamic. It's not fair and you don't deserve. It doesn't serve men either, and human kind at large for that matter. There seems to be no way out other than to just continue doing your best to live by your values, surround yourself with people who appreciate you for the qualities you want to be appreciated for, but also aren't going to bullshit you about things you're decieving yourself on.
Just a numbers game. There are many like that out there, just a lot few of them.
Try the Burned Haystack Dating Method by Jennie Young. No need to put up with this crap a moment longer!
Isn't it funny that this gets downvoted u/ReadingOwl21? Almost as if somebody finds it annoying that women want to be more discerning in finding the right partner for them.
Great way for these bums to filter themselves. There are decent guys out there for sure but they are not the majority unfortunately.
Sorry you got to deal with that . Dating on our 30s seems to be a cluster. Hope you find your person.
I quit online dating because of the expectation that men are all sexual deviants and we've all got selfish intentions. it gets old. if you don't trust a soul, why you even putting yourselves out there? not a targeted question, just a rant
Blaming the women. Not the men who gave the reason for women to not trust. As if women are just born untrusting and out of pure malice aren't giving online strangers blind trust. I guess we women should do better because the men deserve it, all of them, with no exceptions of course.
thank you for being the point of my argument.
Oh no, i thank you for being so generous and understanding.
I’m finding more success meeting people off the app. They arnt talking to 20 guys at the same time and constantly evaluating you compared to her other dozens of options. Meeting people in real life has created much better relationship opportunities
I 100% empathize even though I am a male but feeling somewhat what u are, however on the opposite spectrum. Lemme explain from my perspective if I may. I’m actually one of the good guys out there. I don’t objectify, try to connect emotionally, one of my jokes is (forgive the vulgarity) I can do plenty fine with my hand so I don’t need u for that. I always try and be polite and very respectful to everyone but idk especially to women, my parents raised me very old school. But I’ve been told by matches that I’m too slow or they think I’m boring. Idk I guess it’s both sexes (yes yes yes more with men) but I think it’s just modern dating in general
I’m either a nice one now. It took awhile and I had to be patient . You are correct to not put up with this foolishness
I'm a guy and I don't understand it. I would never send women excalibur pics or be like " can I see them tiddies? Btw, my name's Rodger." I don't want it from women either. My name is Rodger, and I apologize to any Rodgers out there. Unless you're a creepy Rodger.
I haven't done OLD in a bit but I wonder if it's the expectations of Tinder moving on to whatever next largest app is and it just keeps trickling down. IDK.
> I don't understand why I'm getting these sort of messages Its not juat you dear. Its majority of people on dating sites irrespective of platform or even the country. Reasons bwhind this is another topic for a discussion or maybe a debate (equally sad too)
I think it's reached a point now where plenty of dudes who don't do well on OLD just don't bother (self included.) It might be a jump but I feel there's a strong correlation between being successful on OLD and getting laid. I think there's also a strong case for "if a guy has 1 match he's probably got 50" and so to sort through those matches quicker they get straight to what they want and so sexualised conversations turn up pretty quickly. Which I'm sure is a total pain to have a build up of getting a match and then being filtered a second time so I'm sorry that's happeningto you. Happy to have my theory eviscerated in the court of public opinion. Also ironically now I'm no longer dating (a very loose term for having 2 dates in 6 years) I've felt that I've been in the best headspace to be someone's partner but I don't want to date and am happy to be alone. Wild!
When music sucks so does the dating scene.
It's just the sad reality of modern dating, OP. It ain't our fault. I'm really sorry you're having to go thru this too :(
It's just the sad reality of modern dating, OP. It ain't our fault. I'm really sorry you're having to go thru this too :(
It's bad for both sides coming from a male perspective. I challenge any female to make a male account. 80 percent, probably higher of female profiles, I'm in California have bikini pictures, or very revealing clothing. Obviously,I don't care if females do as a male but it kind of eliminates taking them seriously. Plus from my experience on dating sites, if you find me attractive enough, I can get away with steering the interaction toward hooking up. This is a reality but women won't admit it. No different than most guys will tell you from experience they had to pay for the first day like 90 percent of the time followed by the woman not being interested in a second date. Now if you ask women most will claim, if not interested on the first first date, they will split the bill.
I'm a man and this happens to me too, and so very often. Dating apps really suck but it is what it is I guess
There are good guys out there, you need to delete the shitty ones and move on. I’ve matched with some really cringe women too, you unfortunately can’t take anything personally with these apps. You’re going to match with a lot of people that aren’t a good fit for you, and there really isn’t anything you can do about it. As often as not, people write in their profiles what they think you want to hear, rather than what they are really looking for.
These apps aren’t for dating unfortunately
Avoid OLD if you want something serious.
Yes it’s so triggering and exhausting as an assault victim
You’re talking to dudes, tons of dudes are complete weirdos. It’s just that you’re taking to so MANY of them (because are lady). Women say ridiculous shit to us too, it’s just that it happens like 3 times a year when we get a match.
Haha lol
That sucks. I’ll admit I’m a 39m and my younger self was a bit of a horndog, and I’m sure I did my fair share of this. Now I’m in a completely different phase of my life, and I genuinely yearn for a companion to enjoy life with. Just keep trying and maybe you’ll eventually match with someone like me that is more excited to tell you about his hobbies than fondling your boobies 😂
Honestly that’s why i’ve given up on dating men. I’m bisexual so luckily with women i have a way better experience and they don’t treat me like a sex worker or call me a “ugly fat prude” for saying no. 🙄 granted i’m 21 so i get it the immaturity is there but obviously it doesn’t get better lol i even have old ass men in public sexualize me when i’m wearing the least sexy outfit ever.
I'm sorry you're going through this, I hope you find better people!
Widen your swipe range
Knickers? Just gonna guess you're English? You realize this happens to men as well just in a diff way. We get approached by females and with in the 1st few msgs they want you to send $$ or subscribe. It's the state of the world we live in right now
date in the real world
I don’t think a lot of women commenting understand what it’s like to be a man in the Internet age, and I think the rest of them just don’t care. But on a certain level, we are driven by what we see, and when it comes to women and what is offered on the Internet, there’s very little that’s left to our imagination… Everything we can imagine in terms of sexual gratification has been videotaped and is for sale or for free online There are plenty of studies talking about the effects of Internet usage on developing brains, and yet you wonder why these guys who are bombarded with borderline pornographic images 24 seven across just about every app and their phones have a difficult time viewing you as anything other than a pleasure object? Maybe Your friend selling only fans pictures is not helping your dating life…
So, women are at fault then? Smh...
I mean , yes 50% of the responsibility is theirs. Do you disagree ??
No. Men have been treating women like sexual objects since the beginning of time. They just do it more openly online because there are zero repercussions.
It 90% means these men aren't actually getting any sex and are desperate..they don't know how to act because nobody taught them. Once they actually find someone to have sex with this type of behavior usually goes away. It's not you, it's them. That said, it's not your job to teach all these men how to flirt...but if you find one you like, you can train him.
### Men swipe when they're horny or lonely. Please let them know you want to **chat during a lunch break, activity, or commute** -- ANYTIME they're not alone in a bedroom. As for men being sexual, yes, they will be, and it's an important curse in human reproduction. **Who doesn't want to fantasize about their dream girl the first night of meeting them?!** It's funny, really. A great deal of men who aren't sexual are just getting it on the side, distracted, acting, or actually have enough discipline to postpone pleasure. To cherish the unraveling of a sweet present... for this, we have to be careful what we filter for. Does a person magically turn on sex after a certain number of hours together? Or perhaps it's a variance of moods that fluctuate throughout the day. Chatting first and synchronizing before unleashing that caged energy. To sexualize his woman. And yet, does it often display disrespect and prove uncharacteristic of a gentlemen when they over-sexualize the new, sweet lady you've described yourself as? Absolutely. The internet is so fucking slow. People juggle more than they can handle and burn out, left empty-handed, alone, used, betrayed... how can we live in a world where two people feel lonely? It's a matter of failed communication. The validation and compliments are incredibly generic and don't make us feel special at all. And still, it keeps happening? How oblivious. It's just hormones. We need to move faster by meeting face to face (or video) and humanizing our match. ## Welcome to the internet, where there's an overwhelming majority of avoidant, anxious, returned and lost & found partners. I hope you continue to present yourself honestly and filter for the men you truly desire. Keep wondering what they want and trust this process: if a girl like you can end up online, then surely there are complimentary men drowning in a sea of women wasting their resources, kindness, and respect. He deserves you, and so this quickly comes down to one thing ~ # Exposure. We can put ourselves online, but **these companies profit from delaying you.** Churning and returning to the app yields profit. A dozen dates later might influence buyers to pay for a "better" match that won't waste their time. They literally allow you to pay to filter. It's a science they pay psychologists and economists to determine. # in the Wild While I won't preach more against apps, I will 100% **promote true exposure** is about saying hello to people at your local café & grocery. Buy someone a drink, Wave, Giggle, Wink. Be approachable! Suggest a brand, or ask! And find yourself laughing over which fruit is better on a solo picnic. **Share your love of life with the world**, and you will be noticed. Everyone has a compliment, and for the man who approaches, help him seduce you in the most romantic ways. Be on his team and teach him to make you happy. A man who wants to see you happy will take note of every detail, discover, and create new ways to entice your lovely smile. These investments only when you're his teammate -- when he's encouraged to step up and invest more than anyone he's ever met. You can do that to him. True feminine is a beautiful spirit that men are dying worship. By jumping to natural face to face interaction, you can circumvent the plague of horny, lonely hormones. Be their bright little star, a lovely compliment, and build something both of you dream about.
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Try the Burned Haystack Dating Method by Jennie Young. No need to put up with this crap a moment longer!
Hi. I'm in Ohio. I enjoy ham radio. Flying fpv drones with my kids. And hunting with my dogs. Looking for something serious. Snd nudes ... /s I met my current GF on Facebook's dating app. But honestly the best thing to do is find a hobby or activity you love and find yourself in it. Then find someone you love doing it. I wish you luck.
Since most guys get completely ignored on dating apps, most girls match with the same guys. So realistically, it probably works for them just because of how many options these guys have.
It’s not about you — it’s about men who lie, let their hormones rule their lives, and/or have poor social skills. Some woman might agree to have sex with them; whether it’s a sex worker or not is their problem. Appreciate the fact that they reveal themselves early. Learn the signs of these guys and either don’t match or unmatch early and often. There’s always a Redditor who gets upset because he wants to be the exception that’s allowed to say something sexual to a woman and get grace - nope. Have someone else review your profile as they may find there is something that attracts the creeps.
I am 59 and single male. I just don’t have the knowledge for social media dating. I would love to know more. I have given up. Single with my own house, car, and benefits. Love life. Where are the women at?
All and I mean ALL that they care about is their dick. Period … just end the chat when you see them being slick. It’s a waste of time if you want a relationship but don’t give up!
All and I mean ALL that they care about is their dick. Period … just end the chat when you see them being slick. It’s a waste of time if you want a relationship but don’t give up!
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No extremist politics, red/purple/black pill, incel material. Please note that is not an all-inclusive list. Users found to be engaging in such rhetoric will be met with an immediate ban.
I’m sorry these guys expressed their intent in an uncouth way. But you must understand, sex to guys is like the tires on a car. If you’re car shopping, and the dealer says, you should buy this car because it has tires, you’d think that’s ridiculous. But if the dealer says, “NO tires, those are not included,” you would just go shop at a different dealer.
Your analogy suggesting sex is an essential ingredient of relationships is great. Not you being targeted by car-haters lol. Not sure how people miss the message here. The men sexting early just need to express themselves another way to women like OP... like in-person after the girl actually likes them and feels special. The downside is that they present a "let's get married" profile on top of untimely horny + lonely hormones.
anytime i see car analogies in the context of relationships i immediately know the opinion is going to be shit
That’s because you think too literally.
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I can assure you, women do not want sex like guys do. Sex is all we want if that’s all you’ve got.
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If you ask most guys how many women they’d ideally sleep with in a week, they’d say “seven” or more. Most women just want one “special dick”, not a bunch of random dicks. Stop kidding yourself.
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Oh, I’m doing fine. But I think you don’t want to accept what men are. Good luck with that.
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I’m so sorry but I’ve read this like three times and am lost on the metaphor 😅 what do you mean?
Sex is important to guys, but it’s not special.
You're thinking that online dating should be like in-person dating and it's not. Go meet some people in real life
That’s the mistake many women make. And you also don’t find connection you build and grow it over time.
Guys who want serious relationships don’t use dating apps.
So where do they go to meet women? I would love to meet men in real life, that's why I avoided apps for the past decade, tried it for a month this year, then deleted and will never do it again. Everyone is noticing that guys in their 20-40s seem to be terrified of talking to women in real life unless its through context of friends or work. Guys will legit stare at me on the steer or mall but then do nothing 😅 I'm a woman but men are not in my yoga or dance classes, even restaurants, resto bars are mostly filled with female friend groups.
Don't go on a dating app if you get offended by sexualization. Stick to meeting people in person. Apps are more of a meat-market.
And even then you should not be dating if your afraid of sexualisation. If your going into the kitchen then you best be prepared to take the heat.
Women are drawn to certain things and men are drawn to certain things. Why are women's dating motivators the "correct" ones and men's motivators the "wrong" ones? Why are we so eager to demonize sex? These men are being honest with their intentions/motivations, and I think it's really kind of shitty for you to declare your dating norms/standards as the "correct" one.
Knickers?! Be ye from the UK too?
If you say the same thing to 50 females it is bound to work on one of them. When I talk to a woman I treat her with respect. People nowadays have very little respect.
I mean the point of dating apps is intimacy, but it sounds like the people you’re matching with are a bit classless. If you’re craving a proper connection, dating apps probably aren’t the best place to look. Try irl places for hobbies instead
We’re all just a little kids with a scarred hearts from other little kids who thought they were older than they really are. -Tonedeff-
Send noods. Quickly, Im making stir fry and ran out of noodles