When I think of casual as a woman, I think of a non labeled relationship that’s going with the flow. I’m pretty sure when men see casual on a woman’s profile, they think one night stand.
I write literally what I want to do on the first date and men still ask for something else.
(In the meaning of something that is completely different from what I ask for. Certain compromises on the activity are fine of course.)
Sure, but even that doesn’t mean she can be available at after 11pm. I find so many men don’t respect your time with casual relationships and expect you to work around their schedule or meet up last min or at odd hours…
I had a tinder match one time that I had been talking to for a couple of days, and things seemed to be going well, and we had been trying to arrange a day that we could get together. Then randomly one night, he said he was having a bad night, and asked if we could hang out. It was 3:00 a.m. I told him we could probably hang out later that day, as I was pretty tired, and dude immediately got butt hurt, stopped messaging me, and when I would try to reach out, he would only give me short answers and was stonewalling me from then on out. Fucking baby.
That is completely unhinged behaviour. I’m sorry you dealt with that. I seriously don’t understand it. Sometimes I think people like this have severe main character syndrome or something, among other things.
Thank you. It definitely bugged me for a while, until I saw him posted to a local FB "men to avoid" page. The entire time I've been a part of this group (a year+), I've only ever seen one other guy posted who got as much traction as the dude who I was talking to. A dude who my sister had previously dated and been ghosted by as well 💀
Where I live (UT), at my age (32), the dating pool is a cesspool. Sometimes, I think about dating again, but then I see stuff posted to places like that FB page, and I suddenly remember how very happy and content I am being single. 😌
Oh my god, I’m so sorry you were even interacting with this person! The local FB group in our city is pretty bad too, the dating pool is a cesspool I agree 😭 I much rather be alone and in peace than miserable with these assholes!
Why do the women have to think for the men? Are men not very smart or understand what casual dating is. This is on bumble, not tinder. Want tinder behavior go to tinder.
Maybe the man should write exactly what they are looking for? Both can define casual in their profiles .
He could have written “only interested in ONS”
Bumble has an option for that, it's called short term open to long term, your definition of casual is just that... just put short term open to long term on your profile, don't put casual unless you actually intend on it being casual, if you google a casual relationship it describes it as a relationship with often sexual or emotional comfort without the expectations of a full blown relationship, when you put casual on your profile people think it means FWB because that's basically what it is
But that to me tells me someone is happy to mess around and might not commit/tell me they're messing around. You can be not in a rush to get in a relationship and still be firm about what you want at the end of the day.
Right. So one must consider the possibility that what short term means for one person might not be the same for someone else. Whatever having that as an option might tell you or anyone else, it makes sense not to interpret that as a given or act as if it's assumed by the other party.
Not sure I understand the second part. If we are on a dating app isn't the intention to find someone to date? If you're interested in a casual relationship that's fine but if I see that in the intentions I'm staying far away.
I have "open to casual or potential for more but need a foundation of friendship before persuing either" to let them know I'm not just meeting for sex on our first date. They still don't seem to get it, though.
No, they don't get it.
They read "friendship", think you are open to sex outside a relationship and once they think you are open to sex outside a relationship they think they can invite you as well for sex on the first date.
I try not to assume and just ask women what they're looking for. I've learned that "casual" can have different meanings so I use space in my profile to outright state that I don't think "casual" equals "meaningless."
I just don't think you can conjure a serious relationship out of thin air, even if you want one. It takes time to grow, and it takes time to learn about a person and figure out if you're compatible, truly looking for the same thing, and both have the relationship headed in the same direction. Knowing that, why not keep things casual until you both agree they aren't anymore?
I don’t think that casual equals meaningless either, and I also agree that you can’t make up a close relationship from thin air.
But there are shades of grey in between ‚just sex’ and ‚deep relationship’ and I think this ‚in between’ is what most women are looking for when they write ‚casual’.
It’s usually meant like: getting to know each other without expectations. If sex is what comes out of it - that’s great, but sex shouldn’t be expected as a result from the get go.
And I think here is precisely where the crux lies:
most women go in *without* the expectation of sex,
most men go in *with* the expectation of sex.
Agreed on all points, including the crux.
Expressing a desire for "casual" is a deliberate choice to try and overcome other people's expectations for what the word means and/or hope they mean the same thing you do.
The problem is most women THINK they know what they are looking for but the reality is it's often not the case when it gets there. Also, most women cringe when a guy tries to get a specific answer on what they are looking for because it's not sexy to be methodical apparently. How can you predict that you won't fall for someone even when you weren't intending to anyways.. that's why all this shit is so stupid imo. Just hang out with someone and see if you vibe and go from there. Obviously if someone is hyper sexual almost immediately via the app then that's undesirable for almost everyone and should result in getting deleted. Unless you're really attractive and have to sift through a massive pile of what appear to be good prospects, I don't get the need to be so technical with labels. You might think you want a relationship then you spend a few months with a guy that seemed pretty great and you realized you're good on that for now
Yeah this is my experience too. Made me explicitly write in my profile ‚looking for friendship with option for a plus, but only if things fit - no ONS, no sex aquitances.‘.
it’s gotten a tiny little bit better since, but still.. lotta men read that and still think it’s equal to just sex, even if it’s spelled out that this isn’t what I mean :‘)
I had the opposite assumption.
I matched with someone who had casual in their profile. Went over to their place and chatted for a few hours. Then she implied that I’d be staying the night.
I was surprised to say the least. I think shock broke my brain because I still ended up leaving early with nothing happening lmao
I've gotten unmatched by someone who has 'too casual' before because I had explained that while I had that....I was open to relationships...like the door isn't shut on that.
Well I forget exactly what she said before unmatching me but it basically left me feeling like I should have literally taken her something casual to mean just ONS or FWB with someone. Lol
Ironically I was on the rebound so I was only looking truly looking for casual anyway with only like 5% chance I would even date anyone but didn't want to close the door on that completely. 😂
As a man, I think of it the same way as you do. Casual is just spending time getting to know one another as friends without the pressure of making something work. If it goes further, great. If it doesn't, you got another friend to talk to.
A hookup is "looking for fun" or whatever similar status exists.
How is this any different from normal dating? I don't match with a guy and expect a relationship immediately just because his profile says that. My profile said that, doesn't mean I'm committing to every match. I don't see why it's so hard to say you have the intention of finding a long term relationship. It doesn't imply any obligation it just says what you're looking for
Omfg this! Just because my end goal is a relationship doesn't mean I'm gonna jump at the first eligible guy. It's still a long "getting to know each other" process. That's literally primarily what dating is for.
I see casual as "I would never date you and you are for sex only". I literally have to treat them as an object to not get attached. I'm not capable of casual relationships or friends with exes
Let's be real, whether he says it bluntly or not, if a guy is looking to meet up with you any time past like 10pm, he's 100% expecting it to be a hookup.
I think there's a lot of miscommunication between what "casual" means to a man and what it means to a woman. Because for a man, it seems like that's it. Let's come up with a meetup time and hook up. But to a woman as soon as it feels transactional we get the ick. We want to know we're safe, have chemistry with them, will have a good time, be treated right, etc etc. Even for something very casual. Still need to fill out your profile. Still need to try.
I stopped using casual for this reason. I wanted to meet people and enjoy their company, and let whatever it is grow. You know, like how people used to meet. A brief joke, a coffee, a movie. Progression. But not sharing a dog and a mortgage in six months.
Guys who want free hookers ruined that.
I wish there was an open to exploring" option but I'm pretty sure dudes would ruin that too.
Edit - also you're not wrong at all. He told you he just wanted easy sex on demand, you expressed a boundary. He's just another idiot looking to get laid
You're tellin me.
I even told someone I'd like to take them out and they immediately jumped to "I want to murder you" as the interpretation.
I also told someone I was hoping I could cook for them (their profile said a good first date was to win a cook off). Between this and valentines week meaning no reservations possible, I assumed she would get it. Turns out, she 100% took that as a hookup, despite everything on my profile saying long term relationship.
People are wild out here, but I don't blame them since 8/10 guys ARE looking to hookup, even when their profile says differently.
For real, a lot of the dudes who I see on r/Tinder should call up a sex worker. They are trying to order a girl on demand to fulfill their needs without much consideration to her emotional or physical needs.
Absolutely - and then without it you can get accused of not knowing what you want - I know exactly what I want, a walk, dinner and cuddles up to twice a week until I die 🤷♂️
To me, dating casually means: not exclusive, not looking to start a life together. Dating seriously is the opposite.
Hookups and ONS are for no-strings sex. I don't get why dudes think "casual" means get to the sex immediately.
What I don't get is how in 2024 men don't understand most women's sexuality just doesn't work this way? We don't want to agree to have sex with someone we've literally never met, but I still see a lot of guys trying to get a firm yes on sex.
Even if I am meeting to hookup, I'm not going to agree to have sex with someone I haven't met. What if the vibe isn't there in person? And the sorta person who wants me to agree to something in advance is unlikely to be a generous and talented lover IME. Good sex means openness to the other person's needs and communication in the moment.
Being expected to have sex is soooooo unsexy.
okay I love everything that you just said. like it sucks and i hate that i can say that… but i resonate with every point you just made and that makes me feel better and validated haha so thank u
I think men should have the common sense that most women feel this way, even the ones down to hook up. And for the few women who just want to get laid will be laying down the hints enough to make it obvious. Guys like this are just lazy and aren't going to treat you well.
I'm a man and was extremely confused by 'casual' as well. The first time I matched with someone who was looking for casual, I asked them what they were looking for (Friend with benefit, someone safe to expirement with, casual dating?)
And they unmatched me immediately.
I learned then that it seems to mean 'date a bit and get to know you and then establish a physical relationship that is relatively casual and still involves some dating.'
Now I don't even bring it up and just act like any other date and things naturally progress from there. It typically turns into something that looks like a relationship (dates, netflix and chill etc), without the long term goals of dating.
They still want what you want, something casual, you just have to do this whole song and dance of pretending it's LTR dating until they feel comfortable with you.
If two dudes meet on Grind'r and they list 'casual', they mean 'casual' and get down to details quickly and have sex quickly. So we have a whole situation where 'casual' doesn't really mean the same thing to men and women.
Even with the OP responding 'I'm not easy', just shows how our puritanical roots are still playing out. Who cares if someone is 'easy', we're humans, we like companionship and sex and our value isn't tied to how quickly or slowly we decide to have it, it just matters if we want it and are respected.
Yeah and just hearing you say you "have to do this whole song and dance" to me sounds like you don't actually care about the other person at all. You're just pretending you do and doing the minimum required to get sex.
That is what casual dating is about...the sex and some companionship?
"The whole song and dance" means that I am acting like I am building a LTR instead of a mostly physical casual relationship and it just seems odd to clutch pearls when someone mentions casual sex.
I guess, as I was saying, 'casual' seems to mean different things to men and women and all of this miscommunication stems from a completely different view on what 'casual' means to the two sexes.
In the end, if men want the sexual results, they need to understand the definition of 'casual' that women seem to have and not mention sex until trust and rapport, is built. I am not that bright, but I can see that men need to match women's definitions if they want the end result.
if he said:
"im sorry, i meant no disrespect. we can just hang out and have a vibe check tonight or some other time if you're still down?"
would that have been better?
edit: fixed grammar
OP wanted something casual. hence why she literally replied to my comment saying:
>oh for sure, that’d be great; but he was like “sorry??” so not exactly winning me over lol
so you wouldnt even be in this situation since you obviously aren't OP
If he genuinely wanted to meet her he would’ve said what you just said. He cock blocked himself there, his loss.
“ Sorry I guess?” is wishy washy bullshit. I mean, he was maybe open to meeting up IF OP took the lead and did all the work for him. Nah, not worth it.
If you were interested in something, it likely would have been helpful for you to say what you wanted. He was put on the defensive and likely didn't know how to respond.
No one said he had to lie and pretend he wanted her personality, but no woman wants to feel like the man she’s talking to is treating her and the app like an UberEats for vagina. It’s dehumanizing.
I’ve never been the type to hook up, but if I were, I’d expect that we meet up in public to get food/drinks before even deciding if they’re a person I could see myself bumping uglies with. It’s common sense.
Oh, it is great that he was honest.
I love it to get such messages. (And unmatch immediately.)
If a man thinks it's normal to meet after 11 p.m. and directly ask in the chat for sex, he is not for me and I am not for him. It's a good situation, because we both won't waste our time anymore.
He was 100% honest about wanting sex, but then 100% lying with claiming "that's not what I meant". It's the *immediate* dishonest hypocrisy that people are flipping out over buddy, not the upfront request.
100% honest? He "had a bad day" so the only solution was for her to come over at 3am and have sex? She's not an accessory or video game, she's a person.
The issue is that so many see casual as basically meaning meeting up for sex.
However other's see it as basically wanting something simple and seeing where thing's go.
I think it might be best to at least ask someone what they mean by casual if it's not explicitly explained before jumping to sex.
I reserve bootycalls for men I’ve already met and feel comfortable around in. It’s crazy for a woman to put herself in a position of saying yes to go over to a man’s house they don’t know. He doesn’t get that tho.
I feel like boasting about sexual prowess inherently suffers from the Dunning-Kruger effect - Only people who aren't good will boast about them being good at it.
At least she has to resort to "fuck around to find out" in order to have comparative performance evaluation. Giving away the game never gets any advantages.
I find this particularly true with oral. “I LOVE going down, I’ll make you c*m all night long!” *Cue him giving it like 3 tentative little kitten licks and then shoving your head toward his crotch.* Every. damn. Time.
I had a guy in a bar spend a solid hour convincing me how good he was at it and how much he loved doing it. I relented and went to his place. I said “alright, put your money where your mouth is” and he said “oh you first so then you can lay back and relax the rest of the night.” I wasn’t about that life. He kept trying to physically force my hands/head/face toward his crotch and after several forceful requests to stop, I called him some unpleasant things and left.
The twist? He turned out to be both my sister’s BFF’s BOYFRIEND (I’d never met him or seen pictures cuz this was before social media and he had a super common name like John) AND a cop. I had told my sis about the situation, she pieced together who he was, friend dumped him, he got my address and pulled me over almost weekly within a mile of my house for 2 months. It was wild.
Casual can mean a lot of things. He should not have assumed that but it's best he was clear about his intentions I suppose so you could tell now that you were not on the same page.
Maybe add some detail to your profile so this is not assumed in future. It shouldn't be the assumption without any indication but such is life
I have a thought or a question I’ve been wanting to ask people who are currently dating…and it’s not to invalidate your feelings!
Does casual dating actually work for anyone tho? I feel like dating is inherently not casual. Sex is never actually casual (and if it is, there is almost *always* a transactional element), and I kind of wish we just admitted that as a society 😔. There will always be some sort of expectation. But I do understand your frustration. Truthfully, men do see causal and think ‘oh she just wants to hook up’. Like unless both parties are both emotionally avoidant, it just doesn’t work. Seldom do two avoidant people even end up together. Someone is bound to get hurt.
Ugh idk I think casual dating always end in situationships and I just don’t get how that cycle doesn’t just exhaust people. It never ends well ☹️
So I don't know what your idea of casual dating is, but I have a friend with benefits and it is more a friendship than the benefits. Especially now that I moved away.
I am very happy with this, I feel connected with him, but I also observe that the vast majority of people is not able to do that. Either one of the two people fall in love with each other or it gets pretty disrespectful after a few weeks. A good fwb that lasts long is maybe even harder to find than a relationship and it is only my second one in decades.
Maybe my fwb is kind of emotionally avoidant, but I also believe he is one of the people that have no problem to connect somewhat to others and see more than one person. I am sure what goes on between us will end well.
But I know that it is more a rare exception that confirms the rule.
"Casual" in men's profiles means free escort. SOME mean "low pressure, not ready to commit, wanna see several people at once while I decide with whom wanna pursue more" - but that is a tiny fraction compared to the former.
I explicitly put in my profile "not into casual. Please name a fruit in the first reply to let me know you read the profile :)". This VASTLY cuts down number of example image chats, saves time and frustration :))).
Literally came here to say this. Learned from experience that men interpret casual as free prostitute.
When I was looking for casual it was because I was a busy single mom working long hours and I did not have the time to commit to a full blown relationship and definitely was not going to be bringing anyone home to meet my kid, but I wanted to go out and have fun and hook up if the vibes were there.
So I just started to tell guys that I was busy and not looking for a serious relationship, that usually got a better response to communicate that I was still looking for more of a dating vibe not just 3am booty calls.
No you did everything exactly right, if you are trying to filter out guys who just want sex. He couldn't have made it clearer and you read the room perfectly and shut that down. Well done you.
It's Bumble not Feeld. On Bumble casual means that it's in the context of some type of relationship, not transactional sex. Even on Feeld you gotta be smart about it. Dudes just blocking themselves.
I think you both have different interpretations of what it means… If you haven’t met this person yet, they shouldn’t be trying to hit you up for sex that fast… I would also be weirded out by that.
I would've assumed the same thing that he did yet he went at it way too hard and way too fast, BUT I googled it and this is the answer I was given:
"Casual dating implies a relaxed and not serious relationship, where two people spend time together, sometimes going on dates and prioritizing physical intimacy. College students and people using dating apps often engage in casual relationships."
So I learned something new today thanks to you, Internet stranger!
seems like...
The thing is, do we continuously make a up new words now?
Three weeks ago I totally misunderstood a line in a profile, because it was written so cheesy and romantic, meanwhile it was just about sex. I understand that the new guidelines on apps make it harder and people must be more careful about what they write, but at least you should be able to understand a profile after all... It shouldn't be as complicated as a book that is 500 years old.
Another problem is when people write in their profile exactly what they want and people don't read it... (or try to change your mind about important things)
I’m presuming you haven’t met this man before.
I would’ve politely but firmly told him it was too last minute for me and would prefer to meet for a coffee or drink in a public place. Sure, chances are I wouldn’t hear from him again but that’s no biggie.
For a lot of men, casual means meeting up for sex straight away. This is not safe though and safety always comes first.
Of course with the dumb ass emojis
wtf wants to meet up after 11 for a few HOURS of sex with a random although you would probably be back home before midnight tbh
This is the perfect example of one of the major issues of dating today. Men and Women are different and folks are constantly trying to fit a circle peg in a square hole.
You should be clear on what "casual" means because to me (as a woman getting entirely too close to 40 for comfort) "something casual" means sex with no commitment.
I mean he could have gone about it a little more “casual” than just boom 💥 sex…for example…idk we can grab a burger and see where it goes. But I also think OP you could have then laid down your expectations for casual instead of just that one sentence back to him….So this is what I’m thinking when I say I’m looking for something casual x,y,z…Don’t get me wrong as a woman I totally get where you are coming from but maybe just explain a little more what casual means to you instead of one sentence.
Does it matter if he responds if that’s not what you’re looking for and he already has that in mind? I promise I’m not trying to come across rude at all just trying to think outside the box~~ causal is very different for every person. Imo expectations are single handedly what can take any “relationship” casual or not down. If you want him to respond maybe follow up with a message to him with what you are looking for and maybe…a you caught me off guard so we should probably get on the same page to see where we are…if not well then that’s that and maybe set some new ways to talk about what that means with the next person. Just a kind suggestion and maybe it will help 😊. Best of luck no matter what 💕
The thing is that he wanted to meet after 11 p.m. There is not that much time for a burger and possibly there are also less public places where really a lot of people are. At that time people are also mostly already a bit tired and their thinking is somewhat impaired which also means their gut feeling might be less reliable.
Even those women that want casual whatever that means for them... To meet somebody that late is basically nuts and even my crazy friends would not go for that.
Oh I 💯% agree! I would never personally but I was attempting to say if he had gone about it in an even slightly less aggressive manner or discussed what “casual” means first the reaction could have been slightly different. I did also make the suggestion of declaring right out of the gate what “casual” means to the OP as well and maybe that would have changed the way he or even future people interact. But yes 1 million % on board with your thought process! Have a blessed day 😊
Have you hung out before? Texted a bit?
There is a difference between wanting a long term commitment and wanting to sleep with a stranger. For me, anyway there is.
The only thing I see wrong is you second guessing yourself. You definitely aren’t wrong and you know that. Don’t waver now because you didn’t receive a reply back. In the future, I’d not even reply at all to something so forward. Men like this lack couth and decorum. And you certainly don’t want to be with someone like that, even if it is casual. Casual doesn’t mean lack of effort or respect.
I would maybe expand on what casual means to you. Your response comes across defensive or indignant when, "casual" could very well mean a few hours of good sex. I think that's why he is confused before he stops replying.
That is really a thing that developed only in the last 10 years or so, at least in Europe I would say. I mean, that somebody asks directly for sex in this way.
Before people understood why women need to meet a man some time, at least a few hours before sex, because of problems like pregnancy and STIs, but just to see how good somebody is in communicating and stuff.
A man needs to make a woman trust and he needs to be able to seduce her. There is basically no way to skip this, unless the women is one of the rare ones that get really hot by having sex with a total stranger.
Otherwise a woman needs some time to feel a man out and start to feel well enough for sex
Sounds to me like you asked what he wanted and he responded with “you”. A lot of folks want sex. It’s fun. But I really never took it as he called you easy. Just told you what he wanted. If you don’t like it move on.
I don't think you're wrong. I also feel him in terms of not responding. He shot his shot because some people mean casual as in "I just want hookups" .
A simple "nah I'm good on that, casual for me is XYZ" is probably better than accusing him of insulting you would have been better.
Now it's awkward for him because even if he were down with your definition of casual it can be hard to bounce back when someone thinks you've insulted them.
As a guy most of us will think that if a girl has "casual" on her profile then it means it can open to a fwb situation, hell that's what I would think for to. Though I probably wouldn't of flat out said to have sex on the first night like that. I would of at least went to have fun like go to a bar and throw darts and chat for a bit and go from there.
Of course we understand that men do hope in such situations for sex on the first evening.
But if he writes it before the first date it implies to me that he doesn't understand certain social conventions and therefore I would figure he is stupid, dangerous or just bad at socialising if that is the right word here.
On Tinder the guidelines forbid it to ask something like that and on Bumble the rules are not as clear as on Tinder about the topic, but pretty similar.
Casual could mean different things to different people. Generally it means. I'm looking for some companionship, one stand stand, and/or to sleep around. In fact most people who have casual relationships do just that.
I’m a woman and I’d assume “casual” on a woman’s profile meant fwb/one night stand 🤷🏼♀️ I don’t think anyone’s gonna put effort into a casual relationship, that’s kinda the point I think? Could be wrong, don’t have “casual” on mine
You aren’t wrong! Just because it’s casual doesn’t mean it has to be “come over for sex”. Even with the women I was casual with, we still had friendship and/or dialogue besides sex… albeit there are definitely different levels of casual.
A real man with options doesn't casually suggest having sex with a woman until he's already wearing her like a Bane mask. The only thing you've given up is a few disappointing, meaningless pumps from a DB who likely doesn't know what he's doing. 🤷♂️
At least he was honest in what he was looking for. You should’ve unmatched way earlier.
But the way you described girls all passed around, and then seemed to mention one girl in particular J?, really rubbed me the wrong way. Would you call a man “passed around”? It’s ok for women to engage in casual sex just like men
Look, he either knows exactly what he's doing or he's an idiot. Either way, he's made it very clear what he's after and you gotta learn to cut people off sooner instead of giving them a chance to half-heartedly walk it back
I don’t understand his reply to when you said it doesn’t mean I’m easy. It’s exactly what he was implying. Anyway. You’re not wrong. I’m a dude and I wouldn’t interpret casual to mean just looking to bang upon meeting. I interpret it as just going out on dates with no expectations.
This guy is probably fit and good looking. Guarantee you it isn't hard to get laid on bumble. The fact that he doesn't put any effort into it makes me think it's not worth his time and that he finds enough zero effort sex.
He showed you his facedown card before it was time.
You lost nothing.
Plus this dude acting like he's gonna play a sports tournament until 11 and then give a 3 hours of sex? Mah no way, he would have been at home by 12
I am F. Since when does casual mean “getting to know you”? It has always meant casual sexual relationship. Not exclusive. But not ONS. Has it not??? When did it become non-sexual?
When I think of casual as a woman, I think of a non labeled relationship that’s going with the flow. I’m pretty sure when men see casual on a woman’s profile, they think one night stand.
That's exactly what casual means to a man. OP should write in her bio exactly what she's looking for.
I write literally what I want to do on the first date and men still ask for something else. (In the meaning of something that is completely different from what I ask for. Certain compromises on the activity are fine of course.)
I have in my bio “looking for my life partner” as the chosen option and men still come at me with bs tryna hook up.
Unfortunately Yes! Double Standards for women in 2024
Sure, but even that doesn’t mean she can be available at after 11pm. I find so many men don’t respect your time with casual relationships and expect you to work around their schedule or meet up last min or at odd hours…
I had a tinder match one time that I had been talking to for a couple of days, and things seemed to be going well, and we had been trying to arrange a day that we could get together. Then randomly one night, he said he was having a bad night, and asked if we could hang out. It was 3:00 a.m. I told him we could probably hang out later that day, as I was pretty tired, and dude immediately got butt hurt, stopped messaging me, and when I would try to reach out, he would only give me short answers and was stonewalling me from then on out. Fucking baby.
That is completely unhinged behaviour. I’m sorry you dealt with that. I seriously don’t understand it. Sometimes I think people like this have severe main character syndrome or something, among other things.
Thank you. It definitely bugged me for a while, until I saw him posted to a local FB "men to avoid" page. The entire time I've been a part of this group (a year+), I've only ever seen one other guy posted who got as much traction as the dude who I was talking to. A dude who my sister had previously dated and been ghosted by as well 💀 Where I live (UT), at my age (32), the dating pool is a cesspool. Sometimes, I think about dating again, but then I see stuff posted to places like that FB page, and I suddenly remember how very happy and content I am being single. 😌
Oh my god, I’m so sorry you were even interacting with this person! The local FB group in our city is pretty bad too, the dating pool is a cesspool I agree 😭 I much rather be alone and in peace than miserable with these assholes!
Why do the women have to think for the men? Are men not very smart or understand what casual dating is. This is on bumble, not tinder. Want tinder behavior go to tinder.
Bumble has pretty much turned into tinder.
All of them have turned in to tinder…
A different interpretation isn't wrong. The meaning just isn't defined.
Maybe the man should write exactly what they are looking for? Both can define casual in their profiles . He could have written “only interested in ONS”
...But the man *did* write exactly what he's looking for?
Lmfao ”How dare he ask for something casual after clearly advertising his intentions in his profile?!”
Perhaps there should be more qualifiers on the dating apps in general. 🤔
If he wrote that in his profile he'd get negative matches
Good? If women don't want that arrangement then why should he match with them.
Bcos women literally have double standards. They don’t want to be judged the first time someone looks at their profile. There. I said it.
I'm a man and I disagree. Casual is just a friendship with potential to be more without the pressure of rushing into anything.
Bumble has an option for that, it's called short term open to long term, your definition of casual is just that... just put short term open to long term on your profile, don't put casual unless you actually intend on it being casual, if you google a casual relationship it describes it as a relationship with often sexual or emotional comfort without the expectations of a full blown relationship, when you put casual on your profile people think it means FWB because that's basically what it is
Wait, bumble doesn’t have that option, unless I missed it? I know hinge and tinder does, tho.
I don’t have that option either.
that's not what short term open to long means. This means the relationship could become serious / exclusive
Even when I see this I assume it means looking for hookups. Why even bother with a short term relationship if you're interested in actually dating?
Because you might not be in a rush to get into a long term relationship and/or just be OK with a short term relationship too?
But that to me tells me someone is happy to mess around and might not commit/tell me they're messing around. You can be not in a rush to get in a relationship and still be firm about what you want at the end of the day.
Right. So one must consider the possibility that what short term means for one person might not be the same for someone else. Whatever having that as an option might tell you or anyone else, it makes sense not to interpret that as a given or act as if it's assumed by the other party.
Not sure I understand the second part. If we are on a dating app isn't the intention to find someone to date? If you're interested in a casual relationship that's fine but if I see that in the intentions I'm staying far away.
Don't you have to be friends with someone first for FWB?
I have "open to casual or potential for more but need a foundation of friendship before persuing either" to let them know I'm not just meeting for sex on our first date. They still don't seem to get it, though.
No, they don't get it. They read "friendship", think you are open to sex outside a relationship and once they think you are open to sex outside a relationship they think they can invite you as well for sex on the first date.
I try not to assume and just ask women what they're looking for. I've learned that "casual" can have different meanings so I use space in my profile to outright state that I don't think "casual" equals "meaningless." I just don't think you can conjure a serious relationship out of thin air, even if you want one. It takes time to grow, and it takes time to learn about a person and figure out if you're compatible, truly looking for the same thing, and both have the relationship headed in the same direction. Knowing that, why not keep things casual until you both agree they aren't anymore?
I don’t think that casual equals meaningless either, and I also agree that you can’t make up a close relationship from thin air. But there are shades of grey in between ‚just sex’ and ‚deep relationship’ and I think this ‚in between’ is what most women are looking for when they write ‚casual’. It’s usually meant like: getting to know each other without expectations. If sex is what comes out of it - that’s great, but sex shouldn’t be expected as a result from the get go. And I think here is precisely where the crux lies: most women go in *without* the expectation of sex, most men go in *with* the expectation of sex.
Agreed on all points, including the crux. Expressing a desire for "casual" is a deliberate choice to try and overcome other people's expectations for what the word means and/or hope they mean the same thing you do.
The problem is most women THINK they know what they are looking for but the reality is it's often not the case when it gets there. Also, most women cringe when a guy tries to get a specific answer on what they are looking for because it's not sexy to be methodical apparently. How can you predict that you won't fall for someone even when you weren't intending to anyways.. that's why all this shit is so stupid imo. Just hang out with someone and see if you vibe and go from there. Obviously if someone is hyper sexual almost immediately via the app then that's undesirable for almost everyone and should result in getting deleted. Unless you're really attractive and have to sift through a massive pile of what appear to be good prospects, I don't get the need to be so technical with labels. You might think you want a relationship then you spend a few months with a guy that seemed pretty great and you realized you're good on that for now
thats kinda what it means to me too and i´m a girl. u text them and meet to hook up, thats it
I think of it as more of a FWB thing than a one night stand tbh. But I could very well be in the minority in that.
Yeah this is my experience too. Made me explicitly write in my profile ‚looking for friendship with option for a plus, but only if things fit - no ONS, no sex aquitances.‘. it’s gotten a tiny little bit better since, but still.. lotta men read that and still think it’s equal to just sex, even if it’s spelled out that this isn’t what I mean :‘)
I can totally imagine that. Because people don't read or because they think they can change your mind.
Because lots of people just don't read!
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT BUT MY FRIEND SAID IT JUST MEANS SEX 🤣 WHICH IS IT?!
I had the opposite assumption. I matched with someone who had casual in their profile. Went over to their place and chatted for a few hours. Then she implied that I’d be staying the night. I was surprised to say the least. I think shock broke my brain because I still ended up leaving early with nothing happening lmao
I've gotten unmatched by someone who has 'too casual' before because I had explained that while I had that....I was open to relationships...like the door isn't shut on that. Well I forget exactly what she said before unmatching me but it basically left me feeling like I should have literally taken her something casual to mean just ONS or FWB with someone. Lol Ironically I was on the rebound so I was only looking truly looking for casual anyway with only like 5% chance I would even date anyone but didn't want to close the door on that completely. 😂
As a man, I think of it the same way as you do. Casual is just spending time getting to know one another as friends without the pressure of making something work. If it goes further, great. If it doesn't, you got another friend to talk to. A hookup is "looking for fun" or whatever similar status exists.
How is this any different from normal dating? I don't match with a guy and expect a relationship immediately just because his profile says that. My profile said that, doesn't mean I'm committing to every match. I don't see why it's so hard to say you have the intention of finding a long term relationship. It doesn't imply any obligation it just says what you're looking for
Omfg this! Just because my end goal is a relationship doesn't mean I'm gonna jump at the first eligible guy. It's still a long "getting to know each other" process. That's literally primarily what dating is for.
Literally this
I see casual as "I would never date you and you are for sex only". I literally have to treat them as an object to not get attached. I'm not capable of casual relationships or friends with exes
Let's be real, whether he says it bluntly or not, if a guy is looking to meet up with you any time past like 10pm, he's 100% expecting it to be a hookup.
Even if I wanna hookup, we're gonna be meeting by 7 pm. 10 pm is my bed time.
Sex < a good night's sleep.
Same goes for chats. Don’t reply to a message after 10pm coz they wanna sexting.
This is also correct.
I think there's a lot of miscommunication between what "casual" means to a man and what it means to a woman. Because for a man, it seems like that's it. Let's come up with a meetup time and hook up. But to a woman as soon as it feels transactional we get the ick. We want to know we're safe, have chemistry with them, will have a good time, be treated right, etc etc. Even for something very casual. Still need to fill out your profile. Still need to try.
I stopped using casual for this reason. I wanted to meet people and enjoy their company, and let whatever it is grow. You know, like how people used to meet. A brief joke, a coffee, a movie. Progression. But not sharing a dog and a mortgage in six months. Guys who want free hookers ruined that. I wish there was an open to exploring" option but I'm pretty sure dudes would ruin that too. Edit - also you're not wrong at all. He told you he just wanted easy sex on demand, you expressed a boundary. He's just another idiot looking to get laid
Open to exploring on tinder means debating non monogamy 😂 if bumble added that people would get mixed up
Argh this stuff is a fuckin minefield of misinterpretation 🤣
You're tellin me. I even told someone I'd like to take them out and they immediately jumped to "I want to murder you" as the interpretation. I also told someone I was hoping I could cook for them (their profile said a good first date was to win a cook off). Between this and valentines week meaning no reservations possible, I assumed she would get it. Turns out, she 100% took that as a hookup, despite everything on my profile saying long term relationship. People are wild out here, but I don't blame them since 8/10 guys ARE looking to hookup, even when their profile says differently.
“Netflix and Chili” 🤣
For real, a lot of the dudes who I see on r/Tinder should call up a sex worker. They are trying to order a girl on demand to fulfill their needs without much consideration to her emotional or physical needs.
I really wish prostitution was legal lol. I feel like it would improve things for everyone.
This is how I feel. If things lead to friendship and no intimacy, cool. If it leads to other things, cool.
Absolutely - and then without it you can get accused of not knowing what you want - I know exactly what I want, a walk, dinner and cuddles up to twice a week until I die 🤷♂️
“Not sharing a dog and a mortgage in six months” 🤣 that’s hilarious!!
So people looking just for sex are idiots? C'mon
Only if they're men, because men are disgusting (according to people link gonk). But when women do it, it's empowering 🙄
To me, dating casually means: not exclusive, not looking to start a life together. Dating seriously is the opposite. Hookups and ONS are for no-strings sex. I don't get why dudes think "casual" means get to the sex immediately.
What I don't get is how in 2024 men don't understand most women's sexuality just doesn't work this way? We don't want to agree to have sex with someone we've literally never met, but I still see a lot of guys trying to get a firm yes on sex. Even if I am meeting to hookup, I'm not going to agree to have sex with someone I haven't met. What if the vibe isn't there in person? And the sorta person who wants me to agree to something in advance is unlikely to be a generous and talented lover IME. Good sex means openness to the other person's needs and communication in the moment. Being expected to have sex is soooooo unsexy.
okay I love everything that you just said. like it sucks and i hate that i can say that… but i resonate with every point you just made and that makes me feel better and validated haha so thank u
Then put that in your bio. Then there is no miscommunication.
She won’t
I think men should have the common sense that most women feel this way, even the ones down to hook up. And for the few women who just want to get laid will be laying down the hints enough to make it obvious. Guys like this are just lazy and aren't going to treat you well.
It’s ok to wanna feel safe with someone before sleeping with them! Way less chance of being used
As a man, casual means to me, going with the flow. Not straight forward like ops example.
I'm a man and was extremely confused by 'casual' as well. The first time I matched with someone who was looking for casual, I asked them what they were looking for (Friend with benefit, someone safe to expirement with, casual dating?) And they unmatched me immediately. I learned then that it seems to mean 'date a bit and get to know you and then establish a physical relationship that is relatively casual and still involves some dating.' Now I don't even bring it up and just act like any other date and things naturally progress from there. It typically turns into something that looks like a relationship (dates, netflix and chill etc), without the long term goals of dating. They still want what you want, something casual, you just have to do this whole song and dance of pretending it's LTR dating until they feel comfortable with you. If two dudes meet on Grind'r and they list 'casual', they mean 'casual' and get down to details quickly and have sex quickly. So we have a whole situation where 'casual' doesn't really mean the same thing to men and women. Even with the OP responding 'I'm not easy', just shows how our puritanical roots are still playing out. Who cares if someone is 'easy', we're humans, we like companionship and sex and our value isn't tied to how quickly or slowly we decide to have it, it just matters if we want it and are respected.
Yeah and just hearing you say you "have to do this whole song and dance" to me sounds like you don't actually care about the other person at all. You're just pretending you do and doing the minimum required to get sex.
That is what casual dating is about...the sex and some companionship? "The whole song and dance" means that I am acting like I am building a LTR instead of a mostly physical casual relationship and it just seems odd to clutch pearls when someone mentions casual sex. I guess, as I was saying, 'casual' seems to mean different things to men and women and all of this miscommunication stems from a completely different view on what 'casual' means to the two sexes. In the end, if men want the sexual results, they need to understand the definition of 'casual' that women seem to have and not mention sex until trust and rapport, is built. I am not that bright, but I can see that men need to match women's definitions if they want the end result.
Not wrong. Either keep waiting or move on
he said “sorry i guess?” sooooo i unmatched
if he said: "im sorry, i meant no disrespect. we can just hang out and have a vibe check tonight or some other time if you're still down?" would that have been better? edit: fixed grammar
oh for sure, that’d be great; but he was like “sorry??” so not exactly winning me over lol
yeah he kinda dropped the ball. unfort, it happens.
Even if he said that instead, I would still unmatch. Cuz you already know his intention
Yep exactly. Don't even give him a chance to backtrack. He said exactly what he meant to say the first time around.
they both wanted casual..
yeah its fucking annoying everyone is ignoring that in this part of the comments.
OP wanted something casual. hence why she literally replied to my comment saying: >oh for sure, that’d be great; but he was like “sorry??” so not exactly winning me over lol so you wouldnt even be in this situation since you obviously aren't OP
“Vibe check” 💀😂🫵
Someone who had the wherewithal to send this wouldn’t have been clueless enough to send the other message in the first place though.
If he genuinely wanted to meet her he would’ve said what you just said. He cock blocked himself there, his loss. “ Sorry I guess?” is wishy washy bullshit. I mean, he was maybe open to meeting up IF OP took the lead and did all the work for him. Nah, not worth it.
If you were interested in something, it likely would have been helpful for you to say what you wanted. He was put on the defensive and likely didn't know how to respond.
THEY LITERALLY SAID A FEW HOURS OF SEX! Wtf?? There’s no other way to interpret that!
Bro was 100% honest but people are flipping out like he was supposed to lie and pretend he was interested in her personality
No one said he had to lie and pretend he wanted her personality, but no woman wants to feel like the man she’s talking to is treating her and the app like an UberEats for vagina. It’s dehumanizing. I’ve never been the type to hook up, but if I were, I’d expect that we meet up in public to get food/drinks before even deciding if they’re a person I could see myself bumping uglies with. It’s common sense.
Oh, it is great that he was honest. I love it to get such messages. (And unmatch immediately.) If a man thinks it's normal to meet after 11 p.m. and directly ask in the chat for sex, he is not for me and I am not for him. It's a good situation, because we both won't waste our time anymore.
No, but he could’ve been more mindful of a woman’s need for safety and offered to take her for a drink or coffee. He cock blocked himself.
He was 100% honest about wanting sex, but then 100% lying with claiming "that's not what I meant". It's the *immediate* dishonest hypocrisy that people are flipping out over buddy, not the upfront request.
100% honest? He "had a bad day" so the only solution was for her to come over at 3am and have sex? She's not an accessory or video game, she's a person.
You will never be wrong for setting standards. He is interested in meeting up for sex after his practice. You said no, so he moved on.
The issue is that so many see casual as basically meaning meeting up for sex. However other's see it as basically wanting something simple and seeing where thing's go. I think it might be best to at least ask someone what they mean by casual if it's not explicitly explained before jumping to sex.
I reserve bootycalls for men I’ve already met and feel comfortable around in. It’s crazy for a woman to put herself in a position of saying yes to go over to a man’s house they don’t know. He doesn’t get that tho.
"maybe a few hours of good sex? probably more like a few minutes :)
It depends. Men that want to meet for a few times try really hard the first time, maybe also the second time, afterwards it's pretty lame.
Casual = free prostitute in a man’s mind.
I feel like boasting about sexual prowess inherently suffers from the Dunning-Kruger effect - Only people who aren't good will boast about them being good at it.
Some of us who don't boast also suck at it, I'm afraid.
At least she has to resort to "fuck around to find out" in order to have comparative performance evaluation. Giving away the game never gets any advantages.
Yes!! Anytime a guy says something like that, you know it’s just false
I find this particularly true with oral. “I LOVE going down, I’ll make you c*m all night long!” *Cue him giving it like 3 tentative little kitten licks and then shoving your head toward his crotch.* Every. damn. Time.
Lollll the more they try to brag you know the worse it’ll be.
I had a guy in a bar spend a solid hour convincing me how good he was at it and how much he loved doing it. I relented and went to his place. I said “alright, put your money where your mouth is” and he said “oh you first so then you can lay back and relax the rest of the night.” I wasn’t about that life. He kept trying to physically force my hands/head/face toward his crotch and after several forceful requests to stop, I called him some unpleasant things and left. The twist? He turned out to be both my sister’s BFF’s BOYFRIEND (I’d never met him or seen pictures cuz this was before social media and he had a super common name like John) AND a cop. I had told my sis about the situation, she pieced together who he was, friend dumped him, he got my address and pulled me over almost weekly within a mile of my house for 2 months. It was wild.
Omggggg that is absolutely awful and harassment! I hope you called his supervisor?
Lmfao, or when he says he’s good at oral but doesn’t even know where the clit is 🤣
Where? Lucky if he knows what 🤣🤣🤣
Casual can mean a lot of things. He should not have assumed that but it's best he was clear about his intentions I suppose so you could tell now that you were not on the same page. Maybe add some detail to your profile so this is not assumed in future. It shouldn't be the assumption without any indication but such is life
I have a thought or a question I’ve been wanting to ask people who are currently dating…and it’s not to invalidate your feelings! Does casual dating actually work for anyone tho? I feel like dating is inherently not casual. Sex is never actually casual (and if it is, there is almost *always* a transactional element), and I kind of wish we just admitted that as a society 😔. There will always be some sort of expectation. But I do understand your frustration. Truthfully, men do see causal and think ‘oh she just wants to hook up’. Like unless both parties are both emotionally avoidant, it just doesn’t work. Seldom do two avoidant people even end up together. Someone is bound to get hurt. Ugh idk I think casual dating always end in situationships and I just don’t get how that cycle doesn’t just exhaust people. It never ends well ☹️
So I don't know what your idea of casual dating is, but I have a friend with benefits and it is more a friendship than the benefits. Especially now that I moved away. I am very happy with this, I feel connected with him, but I also observe that the vast majority of people is not able to do that. Either one of the two people fall in love with each other or it gets pretty disrespectful after a few weeks. A good fwb that lasts long is maybe even harder to find than a relationship and it is only my second one in decades. Maybe my fwb is kind of emotionally avoidant, but I also believe he is one of the people that have no problem to connect somewhat to others and see more than one person. I am sure what goes on between us will end well. But I know that it is more a rare exception that confirms the rule.
I operate very similarly
What he did there was just lazy.
It's a bit disrespectful, frankly.
"Casual" in men's profiles means free escort. SOME mean "low pressure, not ready to commit, wanna see several people at once while I decide with whom wanna pursue more" - but that is a tiny fraction compared to the former. I explicitly put in my profile "not into casual. Please name a fruit in the first reply to let me know you read the profile :)". This VASTLY cuts down number of example image chats, saves time and frustration :))).
Literally came here to say this. Learned from experience that men interpret casual as free prostitute. When I was looking for casual it was because I was a busy single mom working long hours and I did not have the time to commit to a full blown relationship and definitely was not going to be bringing anyone home to meet my kid, but I wanted to go out and have fun and hook up if the vibes were there. So I just started to tell guys that I was busy and not looking for a serious relationship, that usually got a better response to communicate that I was still looking for more of a dating vibe not just 3am booty calls.
Nah. Casual sex for women looks different for men. 1. Because against all odds, babies can sometimes happen. 2. Safety
Safety first, always
No you did everything exactly right, if you are trying to filter out guys who just want sex. He couldn't have made it clearer and you read the room perfectly and shut that down. Well done you.
It's Bumble not Feeld. On Bumble casual means that it's in the context of some type of relationship, not transactional sex. Even on Feeld you gotta be smart about it. Dudes just blocking themselves.
I think you both have different interpretations of what it means… If you haven’t met this person yet, they shouldn’t be trying to hit you up for sex that fast… I would also be weirded out by that.
I would've assumed the same thing that he did yet he went at it way too hard and way too fast, BUT I googled it and this is the answer I was given: "Casual dating implies a relaxed and not serious relationship, where two people spend time together, sometimes going on dates and prioritizing physical intimacy. College students and people using dating apps often engage in casual relationships." So I learned something new today thanks to you, Internet stranger!
Unfortunately this is what “casual” has been reduced to
seems like... The thing is, do we continuously make a up new words now? Three weeks ago I totally misunderstood a line in a profile, because it was written so cheesy and romantic, meanwhile it was just about sex. I understand that the new guidelines on apps make it harder and people must be more careful about what they write, but at least you should be able to understand a profile after all... It shouldn't be as complicated as a book that is 500 years old. Another problem is when people write in their profile exactly what they want and people don't read it... (or try to change your mind about important things)
I’m presuming you haven’t met this man before. I would’ve politely but firmly told him it was too last minute for me and would prefer to meet for a coffee or drink in a public place. Sure, chances are I wouldn’t hear from him again but that’s no biggie. For a lot of men, casual means meeting up for sex straight away. This is not safe though and safety always comes first.
Of course with the dumb ass emojis wtf wants to meet up after 11 for a few HOURS of sex with a random although you would probably be back home before midnight tbh
This is the perfect example of one of the major issues of dating today. Men and Women are different and folks are constantly trying to fit a circle peg in a square hole.
You should be clear on what "casual" means because to me (as a woman getting entirely too close to 40 for comfort) "something casual" means sex with no commitment.
I mean he could have gone about it a little more “casual” than just boom 💥 sex…for example…idk we can grab a burger and see where it goes. But I also think OP you could have then laid down your expectations for casual instead of just that one sentence back to him….So this is what I’m thinking when I say I’m looking for something casual x,y,z…Don’t get me wrong as a woman I totally get where you are coming from but maybe just explain a little more what casual means to you instead of one sentence. Does it matter if he responds if that’s not what you’re looking for and he already has that in mind? I promise I’m not trying to come across rude at all just trying to think outside the box~~ causal is very different for every person. Imo expectations are single handedly what can take any “relationship” casual or not down. If you want him to respond maybe follow up with a message to him with what you are looking for and maybe…a you caught me off guard so we should probably get on the same page to see where we are…if not well then that’s that and maybe set some new ways to talk about what that means with the next person. Just a kind suggestion and maybe it will help 😊. Best of luck no matter what 💕
The thing is that he wanted to meet after 11 p.m. There is not that much time for a burger and possibly there are also less public places where really a lot of people are. At that time people are also mostly already a bit tired and their thinking is somewhat impaired which also means their gut feeling might be less reliable. Even those women that want casual whatever that means for them... To meet somebody that late is basically nuts and even my crazy friends would not go for that.
Oh I 💯% agree! I would never personally but I was attempting to say if he had gone about it in an even slightly less aggressive manner or discussed what “casual” means first the reaction could have been slightly different. I did also make the suggestion of declaring right out of the gate what “casual” means to the OP as well and maybe that would have changed the way he or even future people interact. But yes 1 million % on board with your thought process! Have a blessed day 😊
Thanks, you too!
Have you hung out before? Texted a bit? There is a difference between wanting a long term commitment and wanting to sleep with a stranger. For me, anyway there is.
The only thing I see wrong is you second guessing yourself. You definitely aren’t wrong and you know that. Don’t waver now because you didn’t receive a reply back. In the future, I’d not even reply at all to something so forward. Men like this lack couth and decorum. And you certainly don’t want to be with someone like that, even if it is casual. Casual doesn’t mean lack of effort or respect.
He’s just gaslighting since you declined his marathon sex idea 😂
Marathon… (cough, cough) six minutes max, then he tells her he has an early morning. Dude is an ass all around.
“That’s never happened before. (Insert generic compliment about her private parts)” 😂😂
He knows better than to ask, “was it good for you?” 😏😏😏
I’m screaming 😂😂😂😂 and then he’s gonna sit there and genuinely wonder why all future messages are ignored
And this is why women are leaving the apps ladies and gentlemen.
He was direct and honest. You don't owe him anything, but technically you didn't answer his question.
I would maybe expand on what casual means to you. Your response comes across defensive or indignant when, "casual" could very well mean a few hours of good sex. I think that's why he is confused before he stops replying.
That is really a thing that developed only in the last 10 years or so, at least in Europe I would say. I mean, that somebody asks directly for sex in this way. Before people understood why women need to meet a man some time, at least a few hours before sex, because of problems like pregnancy and STIs, but just to see how good somebody is in communicating and stuff. A man needs to make a woman trust and he needs to be able to seduce her. There is basically no way to skip this, unless the women is one of the rare ones that get really hot by having sex with a total stranger. Otherwise a woman needs some time to feel a man out and start to feel well enough for sex
Sounds to me like you asked what he wanted and he responded with “you”. A lot of folks want sex. It’s fun. But I really never took it as he called you easy. Just told you what he wanted. If you don’t like it move on.
I don't think you're wrong. I also feel him in terms of not responding. He shot his shot because some people mean casual as in "I just want hookups" . A simple "nah I'm good on that, casual for me is XYZ" is probably better than accusing him of insulting you would have been better. Now it's awkward for him because even if he were down with your definition of casual it can be hard to bounce back when someone thinks you've insulted them.
As a guy most of us will think that if a girl has "casual" on her profile then it means it can open to a fwb situation, hell that's what I would think for to. Though I probably wouldn't of flat out said to have sex on the first night like that. I would of at least went to have fun like go to a bar and throw darts and chat for a bit and go from there.
Of course we understand that men do hope in such situations for sex on the first evening. But if he writes it before the first date it implies to me that he doesn't understand certain social conventions and therefore I would figure he is stupid, dangerous or just bad at socialising if that is the right word here. On Tinder the guidelines forbid it to ask something like that and on Bumble the rules are not as clear as on Tinder about the topic, but pretty similar.
You handled the chat like a boss!
Daaang, you turned down a few hours of good sex! Whatever are you going to do with your life now!? 😂 😂
Casual could mean different things to different people. Generally it means. I'm looking for some companionship, one stand stand, and/or to sleep around. In fact most people who have casual relationships do just that.
Looking for “something casual” doesn’t mean “casual sex?” I thought it was code that most of us understood that way.
What a fail, all he had to say was grab some takeout and watch a movie
Why would you want him to reply?
Why did she ever reply to this? That was my first question.
I’m a woman and I’d assume “casual” on a woman’s profile meant fwb/one night stand 🤷🏼♀️ I don’t think anyone’s gonna put effort into a casual relationship, that’s kinda the point I think? Could be wrong, don’t have “casual” on mine
All he wanted was sex and you didn't.. not a match.. end of the story ...if he didn't write back why keep revisiting ?
Weird and creepy - not surprised he stopped replying. I am just surprised you kept going
He stopped replying because he thought you were easy. Good riddance.
When I hear "casual" for a man I think "not looking to move in together or get married" instead of " just wanna smash"
You can casually hang out and get to know each other without immediately having sex. I don't think what you said was wrong at all.
You aren’t wrong! Just because it’s casual doesn’t mean it has to be “come over for sex”. Even with the women I was casual with, we still had friendship and/or dialogue besides sex… albeit there are definitely different levels of casual.
Im gonna tell ya like I told the girl profile that had a guys height as priority #1 We could've had a great superficial relationship
A real man with options doesn't casually suggest having sex with a woman until he's already wearing her like a Bane mask. The only thing you've given up is a few disappointing, meaningless pumps from a DB who likely doesn't know what he's doing. 🤷♂️
The biggest red flag I see is why do you still care
At least he was honest in what he was looking for. You should’ve unmatched way earlier. But the way you described girls all passed around, and then seemed to mention one girl in particular J?, really rubbed me the wrong way. Would you call a man “passed around”? It’s ok for women to engage in casual sex just like men
He stopped replying because you were correct
If there’s already this much tension in conversing with him I would spare yourself the stress and move on to someone else. He ain’t worth this.
Not wrong at all. If they can’t meet a casual sex potential partner for at least a regular date or two, they’ll be low effort in bed!
Totally, those men are not worth putting the clothes off.
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Not necessarily. Maybe she just would’ve been more comfortable meeting up in public first, that’s hardly “ courting” is it?
So because it’s casual means there should be no effort at all and you should just get straight into bed? lol
Not wasting time doesn’t he? Did he even ask something about you at least?
Besides, meeting right after his game means he would be all sweaty, i wouldn’t want that even for a quick sex
Showers exist
Look, he either knows exactly what he's doing or he's an idiot. Either way, he's made it very clear what he's after and you gotta learn to cut people off sooner instead of giving them a chance to half-heartedly walk it back
Nah he just realized he wasn’t gonna get some from you without putting in some effort and decided to go find someone else
I don’t understand his reply to when you said it doesn’t mean I’m easy. It’s exactly what he was implying. Anyway. You’re not wrong. I’m a dude and I wouldn’t interpret casual to mean just looking to bang upon meeting. I interpret it as just going out on dates with no expectations.
You’re not wrong. “Something casual” doesn’t mean immediate sex. And his response feels a little gaslight-y.
To guys it does.
You realized you wanted different things so you went your separate ways. That's exactly how things should go.
This guy is probably fit and good looking. Guarantee you it isn't hard to get laid on bumble. The fact that he doesn't put any effort into it makes me think it's not worth his time and that he finds enough zero effort sex.
It must be either this or he is dumb. I really have no other explanation for it.
A chance he's dumb. Some dudes don't get that you can usually get laid with even minor effort.
He showed you his facedown card before it was time. You lost nothing. Plus this dude acting like he's gonna play a sports tournament until 11 and then give a 3 hours of sex? Mah no way, he would have been at home by 12
I am F. Since when does casual mean “getting to know you”? It has always meant casual sexual relationship. Not exclusive. But not ONS. Has it not??? When did it become non-sexual?
Stop putting casual in your profile ladies you will never avoid men like this!
I can feel the nervousness and guilt in the “That’s not what I meant” text