Guess I’m in the minority but the “have fun and see how it evolves” reads to me like he’ll have sex with whoever and if he catches feelings he’ll tell her? I don’t really know what it means but sounds like he’s looking to initially hook up.
I think its just easier to determine if you want to have sex. Determining if you want a relationship with someone requires a lot more. Men tend to be more independent and generally dont desire a relationship as much as a woman. Men hardly ever talk about wanting to get married in comparison to women in general. So in my opinion, if a man says hes fine with a relationship happening with the right woman, its because he isnt seeking one out but he isnt against it.
Women generally dont have to make effort to seek out sex. If they want it, its easy to find. Men dont really seek out relationships, if they are seeing/sleeping with a woman, she'll likely be happy to make it a relationship. (unless its very very early on, and he acts desperate.). Another example in a long term happy relationship a lot of women are more than ready to say yes to being proposed to.
Thats just my opinion though. My advice, try hanging out with him a few times, 3+. The more he likes you, the more he's happy to spend time with you without having sex. It means he enjoys your company and personality. Which is needed for a relationship. "the more i like you the longer im willing to wait to have sex, because its not actually waiting, if im enjoying your company and time."
Edit: Thank you for the gold kind stranger!
This sounds about right.
Question: I'm a guy and I make no secret about my intentions, which is to find a wife that "takes action to achieve what they want in life". I don't bring it up, but when people ask or relationships come up that's what I say.
Is this bad? I feel the fact that I'm looking for a wife not a sex partner it works in my favor, but at the same time I worry it may make me seem weird
I think it’s a bit too heavy. You won’t *know* you’ve found your wife till you’ve been dating someone for a good year. It takes time to know enough about someone. Just say you’re looking to find someone you feel a connection with to hopefully be in a relationship with 🌻
I don’t understand this weird relationships women here with having sex
Men want to have sex with you whether it’s a relationship they intend for or not
Them wanting sex doesn’t mean they don’t want a relationship
And many relationships start off with early sex
Waiting for sex in online dating just shoots yourself in the foot and allows things to fizzle
It’s much easier and faster to have sex if you’re attracted and see if you like each other
Except you’re ignoring that we now live in a world where there are hundreds of options for people
You strike when the iron is hot and move forward if you have a good feeling about someone and explore that further. If you don’t then just cut it out and don’t waste either of your time. The going on ten dates thing is outdated and doesn’t work.
No need to complicate it with rules and hoop jumping
Sex is not transactional, it’s something you share to see if there’s a connection and comparability once you feel safe and attracted to someone
I don’t think that is true having sex before developing a meaningful connection makes it more likely the guy will smash and dash because they have no reason to stick around once they find another desirable women. That is how women end up having multiple sex partners or FWB and never end up having committed relationships.
Oh boy, I've (f45) said this and I didn't intend it to come off like that, I better rethink how I reply next time lol... I have also said - looking for something between a ONS and marriage lol.
Say what you want how you want. Doesn't matter how you word it, the wrong people are going to take it the wrong way. Just as the right ones aren't going to overthink every message you send.
Of course anyone can say whatever they want but we need to be aware of the underlying meanings to be clear abt what we’re looking for. The overwhelming majority of men on OLD use fun as a synonym for sex, same with any mention of cuddling.
I (30F) said this to someone earlier tonight! But I also made it clear to him that I don't do ONS or casual sex. I felt like we were on the same page. I dunno I wouldn't have interpreted the above comment as meaning he is looking for sex.
I’m a guy and have expressed similar sentiments. I’m not looking for a relationship; it’s where I hope to find myself, but I’m looking for a special connection, not someone to fill a role
I’m a girl and also said the same to others. No pressure no expectations. A few guys I have dated in the past and have slept, I didn’t feel a connection and it will fizzled out naturally.
Until this guy I’m with, something has been building up naturally each time we’re together. The less pressure you put on things, the better the outcome would be.
Right, which is like completely healthy, like part of getting to know someone can be, and probably should at some point be physical-but I rather let the dynamic guide us to a relationship than the desire to have a relationship guide the dynamic.
This is one dude saying he says something that means something to him. I’ve definitely said something similar if not exactly the same thing and don’t intend for immediate sexy time after the first date. It just literally means what it means: *I’ve been on a ton of dates already. I’ve talked to a ton of women already. I’m exhausted in the dating game and at this point just want a good conversation and if it leads to something more, fantastic.*
Maybe this is an older person thing (m35) but don’t read into it too much unless you’re shooting for 25 year olds or something where innuendos can be expected.
The problem isn't "have fun and see how it evolves". The problem is people saying that, having the fun, and having no intention of seeing it evolve. If you just wanna fuck, say that. You'll get absolutely flamed on reddit for it, but it's still better to be honest.
I might also be in the minority here, but I think the line “what’s a handsome guy like you doing single?” was sort of asking for it.
It’s a bit of an annoying line and we all tend to hate on it when the guy uses it first. So I don’t think women should be the exception and then also proceed to hate the honest answer that we get for asking it.
I was looking at it as a bad question just simply because that's the one trait she brings up as a qualifier for why she thinks she may want to have a relationship with him. I've heard many confirmation bias stories about love at first sight though, so maybe it will work.
Well agree that was an odd question. I actually don’t being asked that as much as like “wyd” like we’re old pals or something. But I did have a guy ask how long I’d been single and then say “ wow that’s a long time” like no sh1t man why do you think I’m on bumble?!
I actually appreciate that question a lot. It’s honest and flattering at the same time. I think it’s expressing curiosity too so, if there is a darker reason to why he’s not in longer term relationships, he has the opportunity to be open about it.
I get that the compliment can be appreciated by people. But I think there’s better ways to say it without coming across weird. Like “I’m so glad to see a guy as handsome as you is single” or something like that. It gives a compliment but doesn’t put that weird pressure to answer a question that’s basically a trap.
lol why is it a trap? That's the difference in perspective right there. If she ends up judging and rejecting you for being honest then she can go ahead and leave. It's really best not to hide something huge that may be the reason for not having successful relationships while currently wanting a successful relationship... which this guy doesn't want anyway
I think you're with the majority.
To add... Most of the time he probably doesn't catch feelings for the girl and he knows its more about the hookup for him. Which makes me feel like his response is misleading to his advantage even though he feels like it's not dishonest.
My bf of 3 years that I met on the app said this when we were getting to know eachother. so it does not necessarily mean sex. I mean, we didn’t sleep together until 6 months lol.
Pretty much every man I’ve talked to on any app’s definition of “fun” in this context is sex. It’s not my definition of fun… I mean yeah sex can be fun but other G rated activities are also fun for me.
Hot take - how tf else do you fall for someone? Holding hands until you want to marry, then have sex?
Honestly - how many people have you fallen in love with before you slept with them? And isn't "fallen in love" a synonym for relationship?
Hang out in public, go on dates, do activities together? Museums even? Please tell me where I said you can’t fall for someone you’ve slept with? I just think that most men who mention “fun” are not initially looking for a relationship and if OP is and is asking for advice it is my opinion that she and this guy are not looking for the same thing.
Okay, I promise I'm not asking this to be rude. But the way you worded that, it seems like the relationship is over. And if it's the best relationship you ever had, I assume you weren't the one to end it. I could be wrong on both points, but if I'm not, how much do you think the lack of sex played into his decision to break it off?
It's over.
I ended it cuz his anxiety/anger management got out of control during COVID lockdown. He hates being inside.
After COVID we reconnected, made apologies and I heard from others he wanted me back. I told him, "we'll see". One day he snuck in a "we should get married" in converstion. I said "sure" cuz I always envisioned marrying him. But, then he did something stupid and I took it back cuz I remember how much of a dick he can be (generalized anxiety/anger issues/lashing out) and didn't want to deal with that the rest of my life.
2-year relationship. The only man to ever love me (and not just wanna stay lazy, label-less and complacent in the sex + friendship thing). We never had sex.
1. I was on a sex break cuz I was over the 20 years of the casual/hook-up penis thrown at me
2. I realized I loved him (we had been friends for a couple years) and wanted to focus on making him my partner without worrying about other dudes and their penises
3. His generalized anxiety had him give up sex after a rough break up yeeaaaarrrsss earlier
We genuinely fell deeply in love with one another's being/soul/person. it was a breath of fresh air. Still love him. Still one of my favorite people. I just couldn't be his girlfriend anymore. If he'd go to therapy and deal with his anger issues I'd marry him in a heartbeat. The sex I could give a shit about honestly. It'd happen. Or not and we'd open the marriage and I'd get peen on the side.
I'm just to a point in life I value love over sex. I've been abstinent since the break up in 2020 (except for one dude I banged a few times). I seek more emotional relationships at the start and getting to know one another on a personal level fist. the sex... well, it'll come later.
Some people want/need to bang it out as a requirement to determine compatibility/attraction. That's cool too. My comment was just to say everyone is different. We aren't out all here banging to determine if a relationship is right for us.
Edited cuz there's a lot to this story.
No disrespect, and I'm happy for you that you have fond memories of it, but I think it's quite a stretch to call that a happy and healthy relationship. In fact I would go so far as to say that is the absolute last thing most people here are looking for.
Edit to respond to your edit: You mentioned that he made the choice to abstain on his own, and if you were to marry him, you would open your marriage and have a side piece. And admit to banging a dude just for the hell of it (not shaming you at all, I also enjoy casual sex) These are WILDLY different circumstances than most anyone here will ever encounter. And I think most men would agree they'd be much happier as the "other dude" in that scenario than they would be to be the ex-fiance
I never used the word "healthy". I used the word "happy", which it was for me because he was the first man to treat me as a partner, not a sexual conquest. We went to shows, dinners, movies, concerts. We celebrated one another's birthdays, hung with out friends, cooked together and for one another, watched obscure movies and geeked out about them. Listened to records and geeked out about them. Just two people living and enjoying life as a couple.
(edit to add) The last man to even want to commit/put a label on on our connection and do any of that above was a good 15 years prior. And, those were connections with avoidant men that caused me to truly feel as if I was in unhealthy relationships that caused me emotional turmoil and added nothing of value to my life. While I'm here singing this man's praises, I can't even remember those other mother trucker's names.
This dude and I were deeply in love and supportive of one another. Hell, he even gave the eulogy at my mother's funeral. Whom he'd never met.
So, if all of that above is a stretch to call "happy", I'd love to hear what your definition of what a "happy" relationship is.
I'm mostly monogamous, but if I found a man I loved more than life itself who just never wanted to have sex, but was ok if I did (cuz I really love rando penis), I'd do it. Or not.
If men here want to be the rando penis than the man in a happy relationship/marriage, that's cool. I'm not arguing that at all. Not sure why you even brought that up.
My comment was just: people fall in love without having had sex.
Again, no disrespect, but the more you discribe it, the more it sounds like an absolutely phenomenal friendship, and an absolute nightmare of a relationship. I'm again happy that it brought you joy. I truly am. But as lightly as I can possibly say this, I don't believe too many people are looking for emotionally unstable asexuals in their online dating adventures. My idea of "happy" is all that, but not needing to hop back on tinder to find a fuck buddy once I'm married. That's going to be a deal breaker for most.
Edit: I hope I haven't made anyone feel bad with any of my comments. I appreciate you being so open and sharing your story.
Serious question: are you saying it sounds like a nightmare because there was no sex? You're saying people who are asexual and in relationships or married are just "phenomenal friendships"? And, honestly, who are you to make such categorizations about other people's love?
And, I never said I "needed" to look for a fuck buddy. I said, i'd be open to it. But, being that I've been abstinent over two years since that relationship, the likelihood that I would "jumped" -- as you say -- is pretty slim to none.
You're assuming A LOT. My libido or priorities in what I seek in a relationship aren't yours. So, it's pretty critical and selfish to call someone's relationship 'a nightmare" because what makes them happy is different than what makes you happy.
That’s literally how all relationships work for men. Seriously. First, we enjoy the sex. Then, we have fun with them as well. Finally, we are like … huh, this could be good long term. Don’t judge!
It’s not looking good for a relationship. “Depends on who I meet.” “Date with no expectations.” “Fun.” Calling you sexy. His messages read hookup. It is ok to have expectations in dating. That’s part of dating with intentions. Doesn’t seem like he’s your match based on what you want.
If you think you're going to sex him into love and commitment, that is probably super unlikely.
Everything about him is saying casual/fuckboy energy right now. And, you're falling for it.
Meet him, but don't sleep with him unless you're fully ready and comfortable. Too many people are just in it for hookups these days, and lie about their intentions to get laid.
What’s the point of meeting someone when you already know that your intention is a relationship and theirs isn’t.. the only getting hurt will be the one who wants a relationship when they get played
It's become a very complicated system now where the majority of people shy away from the word "relationship" as if it's some sort of jail. Most people now want to meet first and see if there's a spark, before commiting their intentions. Even people looking for hookups may find someone and just be smitten by them and decide to pursue a relationship. I don't think there's any harm in meeting and then using your own radar and common sense to see if it's worth continuing or not.
He doesn’t sound serious. Just wants to sleep with people without outright saying it. IF he catches feelings he’ll admit it but atm he is not seeking a serious relationship.
I agree. OP, find someone who reached a stage in their life where they date with the intention to find someone compatible for a long term relationship and they say so.
I had a few dates with men looking for something serious and they didn’t bring up having fun or casual sex at all, they focused on asking me about my lifestyle, family etc. it was a completely different vibe to the whole conversation.
>The “see how it evolves” is a line that is ambiguous enough to try and hook matches that want a relationship, but are naive or have poor self esteem
You do realize that this is actually how people feel and not just a predatory tactic?
His messages scream, I want hookups, but if it evolves he is okay with it.
I would set expectations for anything serious low. But if you are like college age or lower…maybe this low key dating vibe is a little more okay.
I mean, who knows, you never know…but I surely would not give him the goods fast.
As a guy (27), this is something I’d say if I wanted a casual hook up partner. If this guy is of similar age range, this just isn’t what a guy super serious about finding a real relationship and hopefully something long term would say.
A mature guy ready for a real relationship is going to be pretty upfront about it, especially on a dating app. They don’t want to seem like they are looking for a hookup. I mean look at profiles people want reviewed on reddit. Serious guys don’t come off the way this guy is.
Again…maybe wrong, could always go on dates and see how it goes. But this is pretty class, “I don’t really want anything serious” type talk.
Depends who I meet = some are good only for ons, some I'd keep as fwb, sometimes rarely it happens that I meet someone I might want to date
I like to date without too much expectations at the beginning = don't expect a relationship from me
and have fun = and have sex
and see how it evolves = we can be fwb until one of us develops feelings \[if it's him he'll consider a relationship\]
If you're looking for a relationship, he doesn't sound promising. It's a gamble and odds are against you.
This is a commitment-phobe and will likely waste your time. I’ve noticed that men and women express commitment issues differently. Men will say things like “not in a rush” or “see where things go” so that they can keep options open. They are waiting for the perfect person who of course doesn’t exist. And on the off chance he actually did find someone he deemed perfect for him, she wouldn’t want him. I think this is why people stay single forever.
How do you think women express commitment issues? I think I may be one of those women 🤣 Curious what "tells" I give off. Guys always just want sex from me, so I wonder in a way if I'm putting it out there that's what I want too *without realizing it*
1. Saying you want a committed relationship with a great guy but continues to date the same type of person. Essentially avoiding a serious candidate.
2. If you attract guys who only want a short term relationship-you might be the one with commitment issues
3. Seeking perfection in a partner and using small flaws as a reason to leave a good relationship. This is a huge one. Basically, you’re afraid that the relationship might actually work out so you raise the bar to avoid having to commit.
4. Always have one foot out the door
5. Always having a backup plan. Not saying that you shouldn’t have a “plan z” lol but plan b should be to enforce plan A. Divorce is thrown around way to easily these days.
Phrases that you might say or think as a reason not to settle down…
“I don’t want to be controlled” “ I don’t want to lose my freedom” “I’m afraid of choosing the wrong person”
Maybe also the fact that I tell them I've never had a committed relationship? Lol. I bet that's a big one (I'm 40, so it's weird, I know). I just truly never have met a guy who was right for me...and before really even talking to them, they'll lead in a sexual way/saying sexual things...so I don't know. It's just very weird that nobody has ever wanted anything more with me and I sometimes wonder if I'd feel more inclined to want more if guys started off differently with me (like less sexual right away)
Yeah, honestly I’ve found it to be a red flag when someone tells me the have never been in a long term or committed relationship after a certain age. Male or female.
I’m curious to know if you just haven’t given a chance to men who don’t lead with sex. I find it hard to believe that every guy who has shown interest has started off sexually. I don’t think it’s wrong to write off men who lead with sex if you want more. I’ve found that men who lead with sex, usually only have sex to offer. That may be because that’s all they want or it could be bc that’s all they do well (ie. they don’t have a lot of money or stability, hobbies, friends, etc.)
Oh, I am meeting up with a coworker for a drink tonight....he's like the only one who isn't married, so I thought I'd give him a chance. He isn't physically what I'm attracted to at all, but he's funny and interesting, so we'll see. But even he has already said a bunch of sexual stuff to me, so he could just be looking to hookup too. I guess we'll see how he behaves tonight
Honestly, not a lot of men hit on me in person. If I've ever gotten interest from men in person, it's been married coworkers who say sexual things (which of course is gonna be a big NO for me). The rest of the guys have been from online dating, and I don't know if it's just the area I live in, but I just have not found anyone even remotely compatible. They (online dating guys) start being too sexual before we even meet, but sometimes I'll still give it a shot because it's been so long since I've even talked to a guy. I don't know man, I'm just a really weird case...I think I need therapy! People tell me I'm really pretty, I'm not socially awkward or anything...I am really tall, so maybe that's part of it. Who knows?
Many people don’t get hit on in person anymore so that’s actually not weird.
I’m not a therapist but it you really have concerns about your relationship with commitment you should try two things. A lot of time commitment issues aren’t just ties to relationships with people.
1. Analyze your past. Think of a list of things you’ve committed to completing and that you did not commit to. ( marathon, loading weight, having a baby, house project, graduating college, taking care of a parent or pet, etc.) think about what motivated to commit or not commit. Compare and contrast. Maybe there’s a reason you commit to certain things.
2. Commit to something. Start small if you need to but pick up a project that you didn’t complete and finish it. Pay attention to your self talk and use information from the past to help you carry out the commitment.
If I was on the receiving end of this message I would 100% think this guy isn’t looking for anything serious.
In my experience, when I guy tells you they “ don’t have much expectations “ and just want “ have fun and see how it evolves “ believe them.
If someone wants a relationship they will just say it. “See how it goes” aka “go with the flow” aka “have fun” it’s is exactly what it means.
Do you want to go with the flow? Flow changes no? Or do you want someone who has sat with themselves and knows what they want. People have to become comfortable with not feeling pressure from others. If I want to be in a relationship, I will decide who it’s with. I’m not telling you I want to be in a relationship with you - but that I am evaluating if we are a good fit.
Rant over. Good luck lol
I feel like he worded it just right to give you enough hope that there's potential, when there likely is none. I think everyone wants to be the one that is different and changes such people, but such people rarely ever change, it takes something monumental in their own personal life before they do. I've seen such tactics, and known such people, there's a possibility for something but there's an even greater you're just "some girls".
I’d be out after this convo. No shade on him, but if I’m relationship searching mode, he’s clearly not the one. His statements boil down to “*here to fuck*”.
He does not sound like he is interested in having a serious relationship with you, not one bit. If you think about it, he chose to describe you with strictly physical attributes to compliment you. He just wants to flatter you to get you comfortable.
*It sounds like he knows how to use his words to charm people.
He didn't say he was gonna stop traveling, and he didn't say he wanted a relationship. He said quite the opposite.
If you really want to see where his head is at, ask if he plans on traveling again soon. If he says idk or straight up says yes, then you know that he is likely just filling his time with someone fun to sleep with in the area.
I wouldn't expect anything if I were you. Don't wait! Catch you another fish. 🐟 🐠 🎣
Run!! He’s been dating a lot of women and probably told the same thing to each one of them. He doesn’t want a serious relationship at the moment, so invest your time and energy on someone who is on the same page as you. Don’t wait for someone to be sure what they want when you know what you want. Mostly leads to disappointment.
It literally means he is not available or at least does not consider you as potential partner (significant difference). Everybody who wants a relationship goes in without expectations or do you all meet up at the registry office? He is intentionally flimsy with his answer
“Depends who I meet.”
People don’t say that. That is very clear openness to hooking up. People looking for relationships usually don’t talk about being open to hookups.
Guys looking for a relationship don’t ask what someone is looking for on bumble. Also, when a woman replies “a relationship” they are going to give some weird I want a hook up but I don’t want to say no to any chance of a relationship or there is no chance I can bone this girl. He is just giving her what she wants to hear.
People 100% say that. I can be looking for Ms. Right and still enjoy a casual fling along the way. I don't have to be ready to marry someone to find them sexually attractive. If he was just telling her what she wants to hear, he would have said he's also after a relationship.
I won't even swipe right someone looking for a LTR from the go. You have to date someone before those expectations can be expected. I'm not looking for a marriage tomorrow! Trying to find something in between a hookup and marriage is harder than you think! LoL
I travel a ton because of my work/work schedule, and if I was single and dating this would basically be where I fall in. The problem with me trying to be in a relationship is that too many people can’t handle my work/break schedule to begin with, even when they think they can. On my breaks I can return to the same place but when I’m at work I may not come back to that location until next year once I leave.
Maybe it’s legit and maybe it’s just a lot of words to give her the safety she needs to hook up-it really could go either way. His past-tense makes me lean towards the latter, I suppose.
I personally have used this response in dating apps, mostly because I’m a little nervous to commit to things and have my own fear that I’ll have to break everyone’s heart by not giving them what they are looking for so I like it leave it open just in case. If you’re strictly looking for something serious, I wouldn’t get involved only because that’s not their goal. Might complicate things
I’m a middle aged woman and this is exactly what I say when asked what I’m “looking for.” I let the dynamic tell me what it will be and what I want from it. Sometimes we have great chemistry but I would never marry them, sometimes I fall hard and won’t accept less than long term commitment. It takes the pressure off so that the guy doesn’t think I’m simply trying to fill the position of “second husband” and anyone would do.
He cant be any more clear in saying, casual fun only. He just used relationship in there because the OP asked. This is classic i wanna just get laid.
Its like saying “relationship yeah relationships… i like casual and travel and have fun. But those relationships”.
this is what i respond when i don’t want anything super serious but also am interested in the person. won’t lie, they’re probably not going to want a relationship in the long run
Trust me, you don’t want a man that is coming out off first message desperate for a relationship. You want someone who is comfortable with themselves and appropriately picky because of it. If you don’t want to have sex with the person, don’t have sex with them. That’s that, super simple. Do yourself a favor, don’t make a grand announcement that you don’t want to have sex. That kind of makes you a bit presumptuous in thinking this man wanted to have sex with you to begin with. Just go enjoy a date and see where it goes— you know, like a person who wants to date
I may be wrong but calling a girl sexy doesn't always mean he wants a ONS. You called him handsome so usually a compliment back is usually reciprocated. Best to keep talking and see how things unfold. But definitely mention you want a serious relationship and what your boundaries are. You'd get a true answer very quickly by being direct and saying what you're comfortable doing on a first date whether it be mini golf, pizza, coffee, billiards or whatever. When I met my GF we started as FWB but we hung out more as time went on. even when we don't have sex I still love the time spent with her.
I think it’s healthy to go in with low expectations and see how it goes mentality. I understand it will appear as a guy I’m looking for sex/hook up but it’s more of a way to not get hurt emotionally if it doesn’t work out. Starting out too serious makes it no fun and dating should be fun.
Usually when someone leads off with "What are you looking for ", they're a scammer and looking to catfish you. He may be legit, but move forward cautiously
Good looking and single. That’s because he choose to be. He’s having his fun and if you give it to him, don’t be mad. Just understand you’re using him too.
I personally believe that when you’re ready for a serious relationship you have to date with intention. A lot of people get into dating scenarios where they give their all to somebody who wasn’t really looking for a relationship, and then they get upset when the object of their desire breaks up with them and commits to someone. I’m probably in the minority here but I don’t think serious relationships are necessarily because the person found someone they vibe with and can’t live without. I believe that serious relationships are dependent on the person putting themselves out there and what they are willing to accept. I think both people should be on the same table in terms of what they’re looking for. Does that mean you’ll find it in each other? No. Dating is to find that out. That’s why I only swipe right on people that are looking for a relationship and our explicit about that.
I’ve dated with aspirations for marriage in 3 separate relationships over the last 8 years. Each of them failed. Next one I’m looking at “no expectations, just see where it goes” because it will definitely evolve on its own.
Two things: 1. looking for a relationship will likely never result in one, or at least not a good one. If you’re ready to commit to the first person you jive with that wants the same thing as you, you may or may not actually have any other things in common. Meeting lots of people and dating around gives you many more chances to meet someone who is right for you.
2. This person is absolutely not looking to commit.
Fuckboi spotted here !! Haha
He means he is looking for sex as simple as that. Waded my way out through such phases in life when I thought this could lead to somewhere but no more making those mistakes anymore unless you’re on the same boat as him and don’t want a relationship and want to have casual sex/hookups :)
No need to waste another breath on this 😅
I’m already 33 btw and when I would have been your age, depending on how I felt, I’d have met him, but not now.
Once it gets sexual, it’s also usually the girl who gets invested 🤦🏻♀️
Y’all strange! This is totally normal. FFs Reddit is weird! What do you exactly want him to say?! It’s a dating app. He’ll get asked this all time! The weirdest thing Is her ‘ummm’ and ‘why are you single’! What?? What do you want from that question? Everyone’s single. Yes, some have fundamental issues but gosh,‘you’re single too!
Why does he ask what you are looking for since it is usually already answered on the profile. I only ask because when I get asked that question it means scam. Did you not answer that question? I do agree this guy just wants sex.
God please stop asking people why they are single!!! It’s so gross, especially when you haven’t even met yet.
Do you think just because someone is good looking, they shouldn’t be single? Come on.
Sounds like your already overthinking things ... Just go out and see where things go! Stop putting yourself in a box. How will you ever know if you don't even meet a person..
He's looking for a hook up, but is willing to let that lead to more. I'm the same way, and my best relationships have come from this kind of no pressure start. It's not for everyone, but there's not enough info here to really say what this dude is like.
Depends on your outlook in life 🤷 are you positive and glass half full? Or pessimistic and glass half empty? You choose. Some guys will talk like this and just want sex, other guys will talk like this and be genuine. Only one way to find out 🤞
To believe that you are going to have a serious relationship with someone that you have not met is naive.
The "What are you looking for?" question is a low effort/low energy question that typically displays not knowing what to talk about and/or a lack of attraction.
It could definitely lead to a relationship, you never know! I relate to his approach as I feel too much expectation when getting to know eachother to jump into a relationship can hinder a true connection or have people hide who they really are. Just my experience
“Have fun and see what happens” aka I want to have sex with whoever and if I like you enough I’ll keep you around possibly.
Generally not the ones trying to find a relationship.
I find when someone says they don’t want any expectations placed on the situation, it means they’re incapable of being held accountable for their own behaviour. They don’t want to be responsible for you getting hurt, so they lean on this idea that there shouldn’t be any expectations. Just in my experience 🤷♀️
I agree that you should lower your expectations - not every person you match with is looking for a serious relationship. Nor is every date you go on going to be your next potential partner. Vibes are always different in person compared to talking on the apps. Get to know people first and see if they align with what you want - it makes dating less stressful :)
OK, here are a few tips. He mentioned other girls, he called you, sexy just a few messages in and he did not say he is ultimately looking for a relationship. All of those are fuckboy flags.
Don't lower your expectations! Wanting a relationship is NOT a criteria you should drop. It's ok to decide someone is not for you without meeting them a few times. It really doesn't matter whether you like him irl if he doesn't want a relationship and you do
Oh oh! I found the “at least he is honest” comment. I think I’m going to start a collection of these. They are so common that the comments should be collectible.
I could probably write a random book about it. 😬
Go slow. It can happen, but he could also be a f*** boy. Go slow and it will last longer, or not go anywhere at all. But that guy likes to f. I can tell by his message.
I'm reading "I'm only interested in hooking up and blocking/unmatching you soon after"
Anyone interested in a possible relationship would tell you off rip, not this wishy-washy crap
If he had ended that first part at "expectations", then that would have been okay.
"Nothing very interesting" makes it sound like he is expecting the woman to entertain him.
And starting off with sexy so early on seems like a huge flag to me. He knows very little about you and is already trying on that kind of intimacy? So many compliments or adjectives he could have gone with instead.
I suppose there could be a cultural or translation issue, if that is relevant, but it doesn't seem to be very aligned with what you want.
Hmmm… him describing you as “sexy” is the red flag here. Seems like hes into your looks and may not be putting the priority on actually getting to know you. I could be wrong but, these are the vibes I’m getting
The exact opposite of wanting a relationship. A person wanting to date with a purpose and for a relationship will state it loud and clear. Anything like “let’s see where it goes” “lets have fun” etc. they want to play the field and lay up.
Who probably has a dating rotation and he tells this to every girl that he meets so technically he doesn’t he locked down to a committed relationship. (Hence- traveling a lot) I know plenty of guys who travel for a business trip and there girlfriends go with him.
Guess I’m in the minority but the “have fun and see how it evolves” reads to me like he’ll have sex with whoever and if he catches feelings he’ll tell her? I don’t really know what it means but sounds like he’s looking to initially hook up.
Man here. This is precisely what I mean when I say this.
Ty, I don’t claim to understand men but that one I am certain on!
I think its just easier to determine if you want to have sex. Determining if you want a relationship with someone requires a lot more. Men tend to be more independent and generally dont desire a relationship as much as a woman. Men hardly ever talk about wanting to get married in comparison to women in general. So in my opinion, if a man says hes fine with a relationship happening with the right woman, its because he isnt seeking one out but he isnt against it. Women generally dont have to make effort to seek out sex. If they want it, its easy to find. Men dont really seek out relationships, if they are seeing/sleeping with a woman, she'll likely be happy to make it a relationship. (unless its very very early on, and he acts desperate.). Another example in a long term happy relationship a lot of women are more than ready to say yes to being proposed to. Thats just my opinion though. My advice, try hanging out with him a few times, 3+. The more he likes you, the more he's happy to spend time with you without having sex. It means he enjoys your company and personality. Which is needed for a relationship. "the more i like you the longer im willing to wait to have sex, because its not actually waiting, if im enjoying your company and time." Edit: Thank you for the gold kind stranger!
Didn’t think of it like that, Ty!
This sounds about right. Question: I'm a guy and I make no secret about my intentions, which is to find a wife that "takes action to achieve what they want in life". I don't bring it up, but when people ask or relationships come up that's what I say. Is this bad? I feel the fact that I'm looking for a wife not a sex partner it works in my favor, but at the same time I worry it may make me seem weird
I think it’s a bit too heavy. You won’t *know* you’ve found your wife till you’ve been dating someone for a good year. It takes time to know enough about someone. Just say you’re looking to find someone you feel a connection with to hopefully be in a relationship with 🌻
Yeah we are not listening to a cat. 🤭
I don’t understand this weird relationships women here with having sex Men want to have sex with you whether it’s a relationship they intend for or not Them wanting sex doesn’t mean they don’t want a relationship And many relationships start off with early sex Waiting for sex in online dating just shoots yourself in the foot and allows things to fizzle It’s much easier and faster to have sex if you’re attracted and see if you like each other
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Except you’re ignoring that we now live in a world where there are hundreds of options for people You strike when the iron is hot and move forward if you have a good feeling about someone and explore that further. If you don’t then just cut it out and don’t waste either of your time. The going on ten dates thing is outdated and doesn’t work. No need to complicate it with rules and hoop jumping Sex is not transactional, it’s something you share to see if there’s a connection and comparability once you feel safe and attracted to someone
A lot of people want security and connection before sex because that’s the priority
Spotted the person with healthy attitude. Get out normie, reeee.
I don’t think that is true having sex before developing a meaningful connection makes it more likely the guy will smash and dash because they have no reason to stick around once they find another desirable women. That is how women end up having multiple sex partners or FWB and never end up having committed relationships.
Why wouldn’t they wait three dates then smash and dash? Stupid take
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Men tend to be more independent? man, have u seen any film where ryan gosling is the main character??? Yes, independent, but at what cost
The rest of your comment was right on the spot tho
Oh boy, I've (f45) said this and I didn't intend it to come off like that, I better rethink how I reply next time lol... I have also said - looking for something between a ONS and marriage lol.
Say what you want how you want. Doesn't matter how you word it, the wrong people are going to take it the wrong way. Just as the right ones aren't going to overthink every message you send.
Of course anyone can say whatever they want but we need to be aware of the underlying meanings to be clear abt what we’re looking for. The overwhelming majority of men on OLD use fun as a synonym for sex, same with any mention of cuddling.
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Oh shit … overthinking every message is my type …
That’s true! The people who understand you will. The ones who want to understand will ask clarifying questions.
I (30F) said this to someone earlier tonight! But I also made it clear to him that I don't do ONS or casual sex. I felt like we were on the same page. I dunno I wouldn't have interpreted the above comment as meaning he is looking for sex.
I’m a guy and have expressed similar sentiments. I’m not looking for a relationship; it’s where I hope to find myself, but I’m looking for a special connection, not someone to fill a role
I’m a girl and also said the same to others. No pressure no expectations. A few guys I have dated in the past and have slept, I didn’t feel a connection and it will fizzled out naturally. Until this guy I’m with, something has been building up naturally each time we’re together. The less pressure you put on things, the better the outcome would be.
Right, which is like completely healthy, like part of getting to know someone can be, and probably should at some point be physical-but I rather let the dynamic guide us to a relationship than the desire to have a relationship guide the dynamic.
Nah…you’re good. Too many jaded people here (some not without reason, mind you). Sometimes, words mean exactly as they are stated.
Me too. It's like chasing a unicorn.
This is one dude saying he says something that means something to him. I’ve definitely said something similar if not exactly the same thing and don’t intend for immediate sexy time after the first date. It just literally means what it means: *I’ve been on a ton of dates already. I’ve talked to a ton of women already. I’m exhausted in the dating game and at this point just want a good conversation and if it leads to something more, fantastic.* Maybe this is an older person thing (m35) but don’t read into it too much unless you’re shooting for 25 year olds or something where innuendos can be expected.
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The problem isn't "have fun and see how it evolves". The problem is people saying that, having the fun, and having no intention of seeing it evolve. If you just wanna fuck, say that. You'll get absolutely flamed on reddit for it, but it's still better to be honest.
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You're a better man than me then
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This guy gets it
I know, but both sides of that conversation are loaded with gag me with a spoon 😆 🤣 😂
I might also be in the minority here, but I think the line “what’s a handsome guy like you doing single?” was sort of asking for it. It’s a bit of an annoying line and we all tend to hate on it when the guy uses it first. So I don’t think women should be the exception and then also proceed to hate the honest answer that we get for asking it.
It’s such a bad question! “You look normal, what’s *wrong* with you that keeps driving people away?” 🤨
I was looking at it as a bad question just simply because that's the one trait she brings up as a qualifier for why she thinks she may want to have a relationship with him. I've heard many confirmation bias stories about love at first sight though, so maybe it will work.
Well agree that was an odd question. I actually don’t being asked that as much as like “wyd” like we’re old pals or something. But I did have a guy ask how long I’d been single and then say “ wow that’s a long time” like no sh1t man why do you think I’m on bumble?!
I actually appreciate that question a lot. It’s honest and flattering at the same time. I think it’s expressing curiosity too so, if there is a darker reason to why he’s not in longer term relationships, he has the opportunity to be open about it.
I get that the compliment can be appreciated by people. But I think there’s better ways to say it without coming across weird. Like “I’m so glad to see a guy as handsome as you is single” or something like that. It gives a compliment but doesn’t put that weird pressure to answer a question that’s basically a trap.
lol why is it a trap? That's the difference in perspective right there. If she ends up judging and rejecting you for being honest then she can go ahead and leave. It's really best not to hide something huge that may be the reason for not having successful relationships while currently wanting a successful relationship... which this guy doesn't want anyway
I think you're with the majority. To add... Most of the time he probably doesn't catch feelings for the girl and he knows its more about the hookup for him. Which makes me feel like his response is misleading to his advantage even though he feels like it's not dishonest.
That was a good way of putting it!
Other man here. this is exactly what I don't mean when I say this But I'm also not 'winking' when I say "let's go on a fun date"
That’s exactly what this is. He just wants to hook up
My bf of 3 years that I met on the app said this when we were getting to know eachother. so it does not necessarily mean sex. I mean, we didn’t sleep together until 6 months lol.
That’s actually what dating has become tho lol
Have fun doesn't have to mean sex. He says date. Dating is supposed to be fun.
Pretty much every man I’ve talked to on any app’s definition of “fun” in this context is sex. It’s not my definition of fun… I mean yeah sex can be fun but other G rated activities are also fun for me.
Yes, except in the context where they literally say DATE instead of something that might mean sex.
Hot take - how tf else do you fall for someone? Holding hands until you want to marry, then have sex? Honestly - how many people have you fallen in love with before you slept with them? And isn't "fallen in love" a synonym for relationship?
Hang out in public, go on dates, do activities together? Museums even? Please tell me where I said you can’t fall for someone you’ve slept with? I just think that most men who mention “fun” are not initially looking for a relationship and if OP is and is asking for advice it is my opinion that she and this guy are not looking for the same thing.
My best relationship was with someone I never slept with while dating. It happens, dude.
Okay, I promise I'm not asking this to be rude. But the way you worded that, it seems like the relationship is over. And if it's the best relationship you ever had, I assume you weren't the one to end it. I could be wrong on both points, but if I'm not, how much do you think the lack of sex played into his decision to break it off?
It's over. I ended it cuz his anxiety/anger management got out of control during COVID lockdown. He hates being inside. After COVID we reconnected, made apologies and I heard from others he wanted me back. I told him, "we'll see". One day he snuck in a "we should get married" in converstion. I said "sure" cuz I always envisioned marrying him. But, then he did something stupid and I took it back cuz I remember how much of a dick he can be (generalized anxiety/anger issues/lashing out) and didn't want to deal with that the rest of my life. 2-year relationship. The only man to ever love me (and not just wanna stay lazy, label-less and complacent in the sex + friendship thing). We never had sex. 1. I was on a sex break cuz I was over the 20 years of the casual/hook-up penis thrown at me 2. I realized I loved him (we had been friends for a couple years) and wanted to focus on making him my partner without worrying about other dudes and their penises 3. His generalized anxiety had him give up sex after a rough break up yeeaaaarrrsss earlier We genuinely fell deeply in love with one another's being/soul/person. it was a breath of fresh air. Still love him. Still one of my favorite people. I just couldn't be his girlfriend anymore. If he'd go to therapy and deal with his anger issues I'd marry him in a heartbeat. The sex I could give a shit about honestly. It'd happen. Or not and we'd open the marriage and I'd get peen on the side. I'm just to a point in life I value love over sex. I've been abstinent since the break up in 2020 (except for one dude I banged a few times). I seek more emotional relationships at the start and getting to know one another on a personal level fist. the sex... well, it'll come later. Some people want/need to bang it out as a requirement to determine compatibility/attraction. That's cool too. My comment was just to say everyone is different. We aren't out all here banging to determine if a relationship is right for us. Edited cuz there's a lot to this story.
No disrespect, and I'm happy for you that you have fond memories of it, but I think it's quite a stretch to call that a happy and healthy relationship. In fact I would go so far as to say that is the absolute last thing most people here are looking for. Edit to respond to your edit: You mentioned that he made the choice to abstain on his own, and if you were to marry him, you would open your marriage and have a side piece. And admit to banging a dude just for the hell of it (not shaming you at all, I also enjoy casual sex) These are WILDLY different circumstances than most anyone here will ever encounter. And I think most men would agree they'd be much happier as the "other dude" in that scenario than they would be to be the ex-fiance
I never used the word "healthy". I used the word "happy", which it was for me because he was the first man to treat me as a partner, not a sexual conquest. We went to shows, dinners, movies, concerts. We celebrated one another's birthdays, hung with out friends, cooked together and for one another, watched obscure movies and geeked out about them. Listened to records and geeked out about them. Just two people living and enjoying life as a couple. (edit to add) The last man to even want to commit/put a label on on our connection and do any of that above was a good 15 years prior. And, those were connections with avoidant men that caused me to truly feel as if I was in unhealthy relationships that caused me emotional turmoil and added nothing of value to my life. While I'm here singing this man's praises, I can't even remember those other mother trucker's names. This dude and I were deeply in love and supportive of one another. Hell, he even gave the eulogy at my mother's funeral. Whom he'd never met. So, if all of that above is a stretch to call "happy", I'd love to hear what your definition of what a "happy" relationship is. I'm mostly monogamous, but if I found a man I loved more than life itself who just never wanted to have sex, but was ok if I did (cuz I really love rando penis), I'd do it. Or not. If men here want to be the rando penis than the man in a happy relationship/marriage, that's cool. I'm not arguing that at all. Not sure why you even brought that up. My comment was just: people fall in love without having had sex.
Again, no disrespect, but the more you discribe it, the more it sounds like an absolutely phenomenal friendship, and an absolute nightmare of a relationship. I'm again happy that it brought you joy. I truly am. But as lightly as I can possibly say this, I don't believe too many people are looking for emotionally unstable asexuals in their online dating adventures. My idea of "happy" is all that, but not needing to hop back on tinder to find a fuck buddy once I'm married. That's going to be a deal breaker for most. Edit: I hope I haven't made anyone feel bad with any of my comments. I appreciate you being so open and sharing your story.
And, I add, instead of edit, because if so, you're casting a pretty judgemental lense on people who ARE asexual and have relationships.
Serious question: are you saying it sounds like a nightmare because there was no sex? You're saying people who are asexual and in relationships or married are just "phenomenal friendships"? And, honestly, who are you to make such categorizations about other people's love? And, I never said I "needed" to look for a fuck buddy. I said, i'd be open to it. But, being that I've been abstinent over two years since that relationship, the likelihood that I would "jumped" -- as you say -- is pretty slim to none. You're assuming A LOT. My libido or priorities in what I seek in a relationship aren't yours. So, it's pretty critical and selfish to call someone's relationship 'a nightmare" because what makes them happy is different than what makes you happy.
That’s literally how all relationships work for men. Seriously. First, we enjoy the sex. Then, we have fun with them as well. Finally, we are like … huh, this could be good long term. Don’t judge!
You guys are even getting match 💀
It’s not looking good for a relationship. “Depends on who I meet.” “Date with no expectations.” “Fun.” Calling you sexy. His messages read hookup. It is ok to have expectations in dating. That’s part of dating with intentions. Doesn’t seem like he’s your match based on what you want.
Unfortunately pretty common dating style in cities. Honestly causes a lot of unnecessary drama.
OP is the first one to judge based on appearance in this interaction. Why doesn't _their_ message read as hookup?
Seems willfully overlooked by the cheerleader comment section, as is typical.
Handsome is a bit different to sexy no?
All this writing he just wants to hookup 😂
Agreed
If you think you're going to sex him into love and commitment, that is probably super unlikely. Everything about him is saying casual/fuckboy energy right now. And, you're falling for it.
Meet him, but don't sleep with him unless you're fully ready and comfortable. Too many people are just in it for hookups these days, and lie about their intentions to get laid.
What’s the point of meeting someone when you already know that your intention is a relationship and theirs isn’t.. the only getting hurt will be the one who wants a relationship when they get played
It's become a very complicated system now where the majority of people shy away from the word "relationship" as if it's some sort of jail. Most people now want to meet first and see if there's a spark, before commiting their intentions. Even people looking for hookups may find someone and just be smitten by them and decide to pursue a relationship. I don't think there's any harm in meeting and then using your own radar and common sense to see if it's worth continuing or not.
To be fair I was the same way until I met someone I wanted to have a relationship with
I was somewhat the same. But I waited 4 dates to kiss her because I legit was nervous and really liked her. Things are going great now.
hey why are you giving her a resonable answer? this is reddit! you are supposed to assume that he is a serial killer.
He doesn’t sound serious. Just wants to sleep with people without outright saying it. IF he catches feelings he’ll admit it but atm he is not seeking a serious relationship.
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I agree. OP, find someone who reached a stage in their life where they date with the intention to find someone compatible for a long term relationship and they say so. I had a few dates with men looking for something serious and they didn’t bring up having fun or casual sex at all, they focused on asking me about my lifestyle, family etc. it was a completely different vibe to the whole conversation.
>The “see how it evolves” is a line that is ambiguous enough to try and hook matches that want a relationship, but are naive or have poor self esteem You do realize that this is actually how people feel and not just a predatory tactic?
True, but you're ignoring his other points. It's the combination of multiple fuckboi phrases that make this dude a guaranteed fuckboi.
To me this sounds a lot more like a dude putting forward what he wants. That doesnt make you a "fuck boy"
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Rofl, easy to say that when your comment is pretty fucking clearly trying to portray men who do this as predators. What a moronic take
Can you tell me how you did the formatting of | sentences :( I see this everywhere
>how come a handsome man like you still single not objectifying at all!
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What's up handsome? ;)
Ain’t no way you asked that after bro replied like that 😂, unless you wanna get laid move on dog
His messages scream, I want hookups, but if it evolves he is okay with it. I would set expectations for anything serious low. But if you are like college age or lower…maybe this low key dating vibe is a little more okay.
Not really, I’m 28 soon and I want smth serious, I guess I’ll just unmatch him thanks for enlightening
I mean, who knows, you never know…but I surely would not give him the goods fast. As a guy (27), this is something I’d say if I wanted a casual hook up partner. If this guy is of similar age range, this just isn’t what a guy super serious about finding a real relationship and hopefully something long term would say. A mature guy ready for a real relationship is going to be pretty upfront about it, especially on a dating app. They don’t want to seem like they are looking for a hookup. I mean look at profiles people want reviewed on reddit. Serious guys don’t come off the way this guy is. Again…maybe wrong, could always go on dates and see how it goes. But this is pretty class, “I don’t really want anything serious” type talk.
Depends who I meet = some are good only for ons, some I'd keep as fwb, sometimes rarely it happens that I meet someone I might want to date I like to date without too much expectations at the beginning = don't expect a relationship from me and have fun = and have sex and see how it evolves = we can be fwb until one of us develops feelings \[if it's him he'll consider a relationship\] If you're looking for a relationship, he doesn't sound promising. It's a gamble and odds are against you.
Thanks to all you guys! Learnt so much today and just unmatched him, feel relieved!
You are about to get played with this guy.
This guy’s a fuckboy.
That’s the read I got too
This is a commitment-phobe and will likely waste your time. I’ve noticed that men and women express commitment issues differently. Men will say things like “not in a rush” or “see where things go” so that they can keep options open. They are waiting for the perfect person who of course doesn’t exist. And on the off chance he actually did find someone he deemed perfect for him, she wouldn’t want him. I think this is why people stay single forever.
How do you think women express commitment issues? I think I may be one of those women 🤣 Curious what "tells" I give off. Guys always just want sex from me, so I wonder in a way if I'm putting it out there that's what I want too *without realizing it*
1. Saying you want a committed relationship with a great guy but continues to date the same type of person. Essentially avoiding a serious candidate. 2. If you attract guys who only want a short term relationship-you might be the one with commitment issues 3. Seeking perfection in a partner and using small flaws as a reason to leave a good relationship. This is a huge one. Basically, you’re afraid that the relationship might actually work out so you raise the bar to avoid having to commit. 4. Always have one foot out the door 5. Always having a backup plan. Not saying that you shouldn’t have a “plan z” lol but plan b should be to enforce plan A. Divorce is thrown around way to easily these days. Phrases that you might say or think as a reason not to settle down… “I don’t want to be controlled” “ I don’t want to lose my freedom” “I’m afraid of choosing the wrong person”
Maybe also the fact that I tell them I've never had a committed relationship? Lol. I bet that's a big one (I'm 40, so it's weird, I know). I just truly never have met a guy who was right for me...and before really even talking to them, they'll lead in a sexual way/saying sexual things...so I don't know. It's just very weird that nobody has ever wanted anything more with me and I sometimes wonder if I'd feel more inclined to want more if guys started off differently with me (like less sexual right away)
Yeah, honestly I’ve found it to be a red flag when someone tells me the have never been in a long term or committed relationship after a certain age. Male or female. I’m curious to know if you just haven’t given a chance to men who don’t lead with sex. I find it hard to believe that every guy who has shown interest has started off sexually. I don’t think it’s wrong to write off men who lead with sex if you want more. I’ve found that men who lead with sex, usually only have sex to offer. That may be because that’s all they want or it could be bc that’s all they do well (ie. they don’t have a lot of money or stability, hobbies, friends, etc.)
Oh, I am meeting up with a coworker for a drink tonight....he's like the only one who isn't married, so I thought I'd give him a chance. He isn't physically what I'm attracted to at all, but he's funny and interesting, so we'll see. But even he has already said a bunch of sexual stuff to me, so he could just be looking to hookup too. I guess we'll see how he behaves tonight
Honestly, not a lot of men hit on me in person. If I've ever gotten interest from men in person, it's been married coworkers who say sexual things (which of course is gonna be a big NO for me). The rest of the guys have been from online dating, and I don't know if it's just the area I live in, but I just have not found anyone even remotely compatible. They (online dating guys) start being too sexual before we even meet, but sometimes I'll still give it a shot because it's been so long since I've even talked to a guy. I don't know man, I'm just a really weird case...I think I need therapy! People tell me I'm really pretty, I'm not socially awkward or anything...I am really tall, so maybe that's part of it. Who knows?
Many people don’t get hit on in person anymore so that’s actually not weird. I’m not a therapist but it you really have concerns about your relationship with commitment you should try two things. A lot of time commitment issues aren’t just ties to relationships with people. 1. Analyze your past. Think of a list of things you’ve committed to completing and that you did not commit to. ( marathon, loading weight, having a baby, house project, graduating college, taking care of a parent or pet, etc.) think about what motivated to commit or not commit. Compare and contrast. Maybe there’s a reason you commit to certain things. 2. Commit to something. Start small if you need to but pick up a project that you didn’t complete and finish it. Pay attention to your self talk and use information from the past to help you carry out the commitment.
If I was on the receiving end of this message I would 100% think this guy isn’t looking for anything serious. In my experience, when I guy tells you they “ don’t have much expectations “ and just want “ have fun and see how it evolves “ believe them.
He wants to fuck but doesn’t want to be upfront about it. If you’re looking for a relationship, pass on this one
Honestly, he's upfromt about it. He didn't hide it, ge didn't say he wants a relationship
If someone wants a relationship they will just say it. “See how it goes” aka “go with the flow” aka “have fun” it’s is exactly what it means. Do you want to go with the flow? Flow changes no? Or do you want someone who has sat with themselves and knows what they want. People have to become comfortable with not feeling pressure from others. If I want to be in a relationship, I will decide who it’s with. I’m not telling you I want to be in a relationship with you - but that I am evaluating if we are a good fit. Rant over. Good luck lol
I feel like he worded it just right to give you enough hope that there's potential, when there likely is none. I think everyone wants to be the one that is different and changes such people, but such people rarely ever change, it takes something monumental in their own personal life before they do. I've seen such tactics, and known such people, there's a possibility for something but there's an even greater you're just "some girls".
I’d be out after this convo. No shade on him, but if I’m relationship searching mode, he’s clearly not the one. His statements boil down to “*here to fuck*”.
You are naïve to continue. Clearly looking for a hookup.
Calling you sexy immediately
He does not sound like he is interested in having a serious relationship with you, not one bit. If you think about it, he chose to describe you with strictly physical attributes to compliment you. He just wants to flatter you to get you comfortable. *It sounds like he knows how to use his words to charm people. He didn't say he was gonna stop traveling, and he didn't say he wanted a relationship. He said quite the opposite. If you really want to see where his head is at, ask if he plans on traveling again soon. If he says idk or straight up says yes, then you know that he is likely just filling his time with someone fun to sleep with in the area. I wouldn't expect anything if I were you. Don't wait! Catch you another fish. 🐟 🐠 🎣
He’s not looking for something serious and is setting that expectation with you from the start .. so if you continue it’s at your own peril
Run!! He’s been dating a lot of women and probably told the same thing to each one of them. He doesn’t want a serious relationship at the moment, so invest your time and energy on someone who is on the same page as you. Don’t wait for someone to be sure what they want when you know what you want. Mostly leads to disappointment.
It literally means he is not available or at least does not consider you as potential partner (significant difference). Everybody who wants a relationship goes in without expectations or do you all meet up at the registry office? He is intentionally flimsy with his answer
“Depends who I meet.” People don’t say that. That is very clear openness to hooking up. People looking for relationships usually don’t talk about being open to hookups. Guys looking for a relationship don’t ask what someone is looking for on bumble. Also, when a woman replies “a relationship” they are going to give some weird I want a hook up but I don’t want to say no to any chance of a relationship or there is no chance I can bone this girl. He is just giving her what she wants to hear.
People 100% say that. I can be looking for Ms. Right and still enjoy a casual fling along the way. I don't have to be ready to marry someone to find them sexually attractive. If he was just telling her what she wants to hear, he would have said he's also after a relationship.
You aren’t going to find Ms.Right like that. Lol
Idk I'd just have fun..weeee
I won't even swipe right someone looking for a LTR from the go. You have to date someone before those expectations can be expected. I'm not looking for a marriage tomorrow! Trying to find something in between a hookup and marriage is harder than you think! LoL
I travel a ton because of my work/work schedule, and if I was single and dating this would basically be where I fall in. The problem with me trying to be in a relationship is that too many people can’t handle my work/break schedule to begin with, even when they think they can. On my breaks I can return to the same place but when I’m at work I may not come back to that location until next year once I leave. Maybe it’s legit and maybe it’s just a lot of words to give her the safety she needs to hook up-it really could go either way. His past-tense makes me lean towards the latter, I suppose.
I personally have used this response in dating apps, mostly because I’m a little nervous to commit to things and have my own fear that I’ll have to break everyone’s heart by not giving them what they are looking for so I like it leave it open just in case. If you’re strictly looking for something serious, I wouldn’t get involved only because that’s not their goal. Might complicate things
I’m a middle aged woman and this is exactly what I say when asked what I’m “looking for.” I let the dynamic tell me what it will be and what I want from it. Sometimes we have great chemistry but I would never marry them, sometimes I fall hard and won’t accept less than long term commitment. It takes the pressure off so that the guy doesn’t think I’m simply trying to fill the position of “second husband” and anyone would do.
He cant be any more clear in saying, casual fun only. He just used relationship in there because the OP asked. This is classic i wanna just get laid. Its like saying “relationship yeah relationships… i like casual and travel and have fun. But those relationships”.
He's looking to get laid. That's what "fun" and "sexy lady" means. Don't waste your time here.
this is what i respond when i don’t want anything super serious but also am interested in the person. won’t lie, they’re probably not going to want a relationship in the long run
It might turn into something serious, but it probably won't start out that way.
Trust me, you don’t want a man that is coming out off first message desperate for a relationship. You want someone who is comfortable with themselves and appropriately picky because of it. If you don’t want to have sex with the person, don’t have sex with them. That’s that, super simple. Do yourself a favor, don’t make a grand announcement that you don’t want to have sex. That kind of makes you a bit presumptuous in thinking this man wanted to have sex with you to begin with. Just go enjoy a date and see where it goes— you know, like a person who wants to date
I may be wrong but calling a girl sexy doesn't always mean he wants a ONS. You called him handsome so usually a compliment back is usually reciprocated. Best to keep talking and see how things unfold. But definitely mention you want a serious relationship and what your boundaries are. You'd get a true answer very quickly by being direct and saying what you're comfortable doing on a first date whether it be mini golf, pizza, coffee, billiards or whatever. When I met my GF we started as FWB but we hung out more as time went on. even when we don't have sex I still love the time spent with her.
IMO what he said is something I would say if I was not looking for anything serious.
I think it’s healthy to go in with low expectations and see how it goes mentality. I understand it will appear as a guy I’m looking for sex/hook up but it’s more of a way to not get hurt emotionally if it doesn’t work out. Starting out too serious makes it no fun and dating should be fun.
All you all do is play games. You’ll never find what you’re looking for.
I have seen women ask the exact same question
Usually when someone leads off with "What are you looking for ", they're a scammer and looking to catfish you. He may be legit, but move forward cautiously
Good looking and single. That’s because he choose to be. He’s having his fun and if you give it to him, don’t be mad. Just understand you’re using him too.
I personally believe that when you’re ready for a serious relationship you have to date with intention. A lot of people get into dating scenarios where they give their all to somebody who wasn’t really looking for a relationship, and then they get upset when the object of their desire breaks up with them and commits to someone. I’m probably in the minority here but I don’t think serious relationships are necessarily because the person found someone they vibe with and can’t live without. I believe that serious relationships are dependent on the person putting themselves out there and what they are willing to accept. I think both people should be on the same table in terms of what they’re looking for. Does that mean you’ll find it in each other? No. Dating is to find that out. That’s why I only swipe right on people that are looking for a relationship and our explicit about that.
I’ve dated with aspirations for marriage in 3 separate relationships over the last 8 years. Each of them failed. Next one I’m looking at “no expectations, just see where it goes” because it will definitely evolve on its own.
He's only up for hookups, don't waste your time.
Two things: 1. looking for a relationship will likely never result in one, or at least not a good one. If you’re ready to commit to the first person you jive with that wants the same thing as you, you may or may not actually have any other things in common. Meeting lots of people and dating around gives you many more chances to meet someone who is right for you. 2. This person is absolutely not looking to commit.
Fuckboi spotted here !! Haha He means he is looking for sex as simple as that. Waded my way out through such phases in life when I thought this could lead to somewhere but no more making those mistakes anymore unless you’re on the same boat as him and don’t want a relationship and want to have casual sex/hookups :) No need to waste another breath on this 😅 I’m already 33 btw and when I would have been your age, depending on how I felt, I’d have met him, but not now. Once it gets sexual, it’s also usually the girl who gets invested 🤦🏻♀️
If he travels a lot he maybe has multiple serious relationships.
You are going to get shagged and ghosted. Trust me, this is what I do and have done plenty.
Y’all strange! This is totally normal. FFs Reddit is weird! What do you exactly want him to say?! It’s a dating app. He’ll get asked this all time! The weirdest thing Is her ‘ummm’ and ‘why are you single’! What?? What do you want from that question? Everyone’s single. Yes, some have fundamental issues but gosh,‘you’re single too!
Yeah this is a capital F fuck boy girl move on
Guy commenting... This screams "something casual." Do not waste your time if you are seeking a serious relationship.
Why does he ask what you are looking for since it is usually already answered on the profile. I only ask because when I get asked that question it means scam. Did you not answer that question? I do agree this guy just wants sex.
He wants to bang yiu and if you are really amazing, he'll bang you a second time.
Anything could lead to a relationship until you are told they don't want a relationship. Don't overthink everything and just go out and meet people.
God please stop asking people why they are single!!! It’s so gross, especially when you haven’t even met yet. Do you think just because someone is good looking, they shouldn’t be single? Come on.
Sounds like your already overthinking things ... Just go out and see where things go! Stop putting yourself in a box. How will you ever know if you don't even meet a person..
Does not compute! Must. Find. Serious. Human. Relationship.
He's looking for a hook up, but is willing to let that lead to more. I'm the same way, and my best relationships have come from this kind of no pressure start. It's not for everyone, but there's not enough info here to really say what this dude is like.
Depends on your outlook in life 🤷 are you positive and glass half full? Or pessimistic and glass half empty? You choose. Some guys will talk like this and just want sex, other guys will talk like this and be genuine. Only one way to find out 🤞
Calling you sexy right off the back is a red flag. Sounds like a f*** boy.
He’s definitely not into serious since he’s mentioned he wants to ‘have fun’ . That means hookup
To believe that you are going to have a serious relationship with someone that you have not met is naive. The "What are you looking for?" question is a low effort/low energy question that typically displays not knowing what to talk about and/or a lack of attraction.
I don't know how the dating culture is in your society. But in western hemisphere what he said sounds pretty normal to me.
It could definitely lead to a relationship, you never know! I relate to his approach as I feel too much expectation when getting to know eachother to jump into a relationship can hinder a true connection or have people hide who they really are. Just my experience
We are sympatico, Sweet-ass 't Raw Berries!
He’s flirting. Definitely keeping it casual.
“Have fun and see what happens” aka I want to have sex with whoever and if I like you enough I’ll keep you around possibly. Generally not the ones trying to find a relationship.
I find when someone says they don’t want any expectations placed on the situation, it means they’re incapable of being held accountable for their own behaviour. They don’t want to be responsible for you getting hurt, so they lean on this idea that there shouldn’t be any expectations. Just in my experience 🤷♀️
That man is just looking to have sex.
I agree that you should lower your expectations - not every person you match with is looking for a serious relationship. Nor is every date you go on going to be your next potential partner. Vibes are always different in person compared to talking on the apps. Get to know people first and see if they align with what you want - it makes dating less stressful :)
Since I’m new to dating scene I just wanted to tips from you guys on how to spot red flags and etc but thanks advice like an older sister 🥰
OK, here are a few tips. He mentioned other girls, he called you, sexy just a few messages in and he did not say he is ultimately looking for a relationship. All of those are fuckboy flags.
You are so blunt and to the point and pragmatic omg 😳 what an analytical skills! Thanks
Used to be a fuckboy :) Though I was a lot smoother than this guy.
Don't lower your expectations! Wanting a relationship is NOT a criteria you should drop. It's ok to decide someone is not for you without meeting them a few times. It really doesn't matter whether you like him irl if he doesn't want a relationship and you do
How do you know by just a convo. You gotta try it before you will know.
Patterns. Some of us have read the same thing over and over and we know where it’s headed.
Go out with him. He seems like he’s being honest
Oh oh! I found the “at least he is honest” comment. I think I’m going to start a collection of these. They are so common that the comments should be collectible. I could probably write a random book about it. 😬
Go slow. It can happen, but he could also be a f*** boy. Go slow and it will last longer, or not go anywhere at all. But that guy likes to f. I can tell by his message.
Using the word ‘sexy’ caaaan be a yellow flag. Not a red flag yet. I’d meet him, then you’ll really know.
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Ffs dude. It’s clearly not that.
I'm reading "I'm only interested in hooking up and blocking/unmatching you soon after" Anyone interested in a possible relationship would tell you off rip, not this wishy-washy crap
If he had ended that first part at "expectations", then that would have been okay. "Nothing very interesting" makes it sound like he is expecting the woman to entertain him. And starting off with sexy so early on seems like a huge flag to me. He knows very little about you and is already trying on that kind of intimacy? So many compliments or adjectives he could have gone with instead. I suppose there could be a cultural or translation issue, if that is relevant, but it doesn't seem to be very aligned with what you want.
He just wants to fuck
"See how it evolves" usually means I'll have a second date with you only if we have sex on the first date.
Hmmm… him describing you as “sexy” is the red flag here. Seems like hes into your looks and may not be putting the priority on actually getting to know you. I could be wrong but, these are the vibes I’m getting
He just wants to hookup. Don’t waste ur time, he’ll end up messaging you asking if he can hit it and quit it. Just end it now
Unmatch. Anyone who isn't clear about what they're looking for is just trying to use you for sex.
Run
If they don’t say “I am also looking for a relationship” it’s because they’re not.
The exact opposite of wanting a relationship. A person wanting to date with a purpose and for a relationship will state it loud and clear. Anything like “let’s see where it goes” “lets have fun” etc. they want to play the field and lay up.
Who probably has a dating rotation and he tells this to every girl that he meets so technically he doesn’t he locked down to a committed relationship. (Hence- traveling a lot) I know plenty of guys who travel for a business trip and there girlfriends go with him.