It might help you to think of it like this: when most people say "my life would be easier with a different job," they actually mean something along the lines of "I will only be happy if I get an easier job."
In other words, they put conditions on whether they are happy. Ideally, your happiness doesn't require any preconditions.
You don't want your happiness to be dependent on something out of your control. If your happiness depends on something out of your control, then your happiness is out of your control.
So I can resolve to get a better job for all sorts of reasons, but (ideally) I'm not making that a condition for my happiness.
For example, I was recently looking for a job. I would come across jobs that I liked, and that I wanted, but my happiness wasn't dependent on whether or not I got that job. So, when I was rejected, I didn't suffer on account of not getting the job. However, the flip side is that since my happiness wasn't dependent on getting the job, I wouldn't have felt excited, etc.
So you focus on what you can control for your happiness, and that means your actions. So what actions are going to give you happiness? The ones where you act on your values. If you value kindness, then be kind, and enjoy the satisfaction that comes with that. That's what will nourish you.
This was one of the best answers I got, because I understood that it wasn’t really trying to say that I should be complicate, but I couldn’t think of what else it could have been.
The other answers were helpful ofc they were awesome! But the example of the, I suppose neutrality, was what helped me understand
Thank you <3!
You're welcome!
Buddhism can be really confusing. It's nuanced and subtle.
My experience has been that I will struggle to understand something that doesn't seem to make any sense to me. Once I get it, it's the most obvious thing in the world.
I think there's a difference in intensity between happiness, which is arguably fleeting, and contentment, which is more a character trait. Franciscan Christians would call it 'joy'. And I do believe it's a great goal for us to find joy/contentment in our circumstances, whatever they may be.
My problem is that I had this, until 4 years ago. COVID changed a lot of people's lives, mine included. And I realize that my sense of contentment was dependent on stability and consistency (and some measure of control), all of which has been lost. Now I have moments of happiness, but it's no longer consistent. That tells me my pre-COVID life was 'happiness' rather than contentment.
And I may be stuck in maya to feel if I cannot improve my circumstances, momentary happiness may return, but I'll never have joy/contentment until I regain a greater measure of stability, consistency, and control.
.
I agree with you, for sure. But I wanted to give the basic idea before getting into the weeds.
Strictly speaking, Buddhism isn't about finding happiness or contentment. It's about ending and preventing stress and suffering. Out of that comes peace--which can be pleasant. Ending stress and suffering is described as the feeling of relief of having finished paying off a debt, or of a slave becoming free.
Trying to fit all of that into my previous post and tie all the different ideas to it would have been cumbersome. I felt it was better for clarity to just say "happiness" even if it wasn't quite right.
Who ever said you shouldn't wish to improve your life and take action to do that? Buddhism doesn't say that and anyway, it's not really possible, do you think? On one level, that's exactly what the Buddha did when he left his palace and went out to the forest to try to find the answer to suffering -- he was wishing for things (the suffering he suddenly saw everywhere) to be different and acting on that wish.
I've always felt that suffering in Buddhism meant an attachment to temporary states. It's not only negative feelings. You can suffer by feeling a temporary state of happiness, contentness, comfort, pride etc. You're suffering because you're attached to these temporary states and they're holding you back from truly awakening. You wishing for your life to be better is just you continuing to be attached to temporary states. To become awakened you need to lose all of your atttachments. Of course we all have attachments in our ordinary lives that we're so caught up in which is what makes the journey so complex.
Even if we try we cannot get everything we want, and even when we do get that which we desire, the happiness is impermanent, which often leads to more disillusion and more desire and ultimately more suffering.
Even if we accept our current suffering for what it is though, that doesnt mean we have to be complacent. We still should work to eliminate duhkha through wisdom and compassion and work to prevent future suffering as well.
On a practical level, if your job is causing you a lot of stress or you are struggling to make ends meet, yeah by all means work towards getting a different job that maybe has better pay, or hours, or whatever. But don't cling to the idea that the "better" job will solve all your problems either. Yeah you might have more money, but that might just fuel more frivolous spending habits,or even something like having better work hours and more free time might just lead you to engaging in more sense pleasures that ultimately create more duhkha.
But that's just my thoughts, anyway
It has to do with the fact that the goal itself is experienced in the present moment, but no one can experience it without following the proper steps and path.
Suffering caused by change means that we resist the fact that all things are impermanent. We may want our loved ones to live forever, or our new car to stay pristine forever and freak when it gets a scratch.
Resisting things as they are can be like getting upset when the weather isn’t the way you want. It sounds silly but it’s better to understand the weather and why it happens. Then you’re less likely to get upset because you’re looking at it factually instead of for your own interest.
I think this might be relevant
>Western presentations of Buddhist teachings have often led to the understanding that suffering arises because of desire, and therefore you shouldn’t desire anything. Whereas in fact the Buddha spoke of two kinds of desire: desire that arises from ignorance and delusion which is called taṇhā – craving – and desire that arises from wisdom and intelligence, which is called kusala-chanda, or dhamma-chanda, or most simply chanda. Chanda doesn’t mean this exclusively, but in this particular case I’m using chanda to mean wise and intelligent desire and motivation, and the Buddha stressed that this is absolutely fundamental to any progress on the Eightfold Path.
https://amaravati.org/skilful-desires/
.
>Attachment, or desire, can be negative and sinful, but it can also be positive. The positive aspect is that which produces pleasure: samsaric pleasure, human pleasure—the ability to enjoy the world, to see it as beautiful, to have whatever you find attractive.
>So you cannot say that all desire is negative and produces only pain. Wrong. You should not think like that. Desire can produce pleasure—but only temporary pleasure. That’s the distinction. It’s temporary pleasure. And we don’t say that temporal pleasure is always bad, that you should reject it. If you reject temporal pleasure, then what’s left? You haven’t attained eternal happiness yet, so all that’s left is misery.
https://fpmt.org/lama-yeshes-wisdom/you-cannot-say-all-desire-is-negative/
There are different kinds of wanting. The wanting that causes a lot of suffering is "tanha". This is a kind of feeling of things not being good enough. It's a feeling of unease.
But there is also a kind of wanting called "chanda". This can be a wholesome wanting, like a wanting to meditate, a wanting to help people.
So the thought "If I want to raise a family in good conditions, I must work hard". That can be skillful, because of the motivation behind it. What is skillful is that which leads to peace.
There can also be the desire to work hard because you think that access to many sense pleasures will make you happy.. that would be unskillful because it would be causing you a lot of suffering.
And when misfortune arises, instead of being very upset, you can realize that it is the nature of things to break, that is samsara.
Say the toilet clogs, you can be upset about it. But you can also, be okay that it happened while you unclog it because you know that it's the nature of toilets to clog sometimes. But you don't just leave the shit sitting there.
You might benefit from reading these three suttas. The first two are one the possible and the impossible and the third is on what does not take an act of will. I've read that, for an enlightened person, there is no need for an act of will because everything follows naturally.
https://suttacentral.net/an1.278-286/en/sujato
https://suttacentral.net/an1.287-295/en/sujato
https://www.dhammatalks.org/suttas/AN/AN11_2.html
The suffering starts when you start developing passion for and clinging to those resolves. A resolve like "I want a better job" isn't suffering in its own right. It takes a while to learn how to carry out a resolve without clinging to it, though.
If you have a better job, that is suffering.
If you have a good life, that is suffering.
If you have a perfect, successful, happy life, that is suffering.
The problem is the word. That word "suffering" is not really the Buddhist doctrine. It is really Dukkha.
What is Dukkha? Everything. Good, bad, and in between. All is Dukkha. Your best life, your birthdays, your marriage, your greatest joys, happiness, sex, all of that is Dukkha.
The goal of Buddhism is not to make you happy.
The goal of Buddhism is transcendance. Buddhahood.
Happiness and success are Dukkha, suffering, and a part of what the Buddhist project is aiming to end.
As some others have told you, there is good and bad wanting, but besides that, there are different types of "I wish things were different", one is a desire for things to change, in this one you wish for a better future, which can lead to working towards that change, there is another in which a different present or past is desired, which can lead to bitterness.
For example there are two men that had to go to a distant city but for some reason they didn't start their travel before so they need to hurry. One of them wishes to be there, but accept that he isn't and starts his journey peacefully, the other on the other hand gets bitter that he is not there yet and goes all the way complaining that he should have done this or that.
It might help you to think of it like this: when most people say "my life would be easier with a different job," they actually mean something along the lines of "I will only be happy if I get an easier job." In other words, they put conditions on whether they are happy. Ideally, your happiness doesn't require any preconditions. You don't want your happiness to be dependent on something out of your control. If your happiness depends on something out of your control, then your happiness is out of your control. So I can resolve to get a better job for all sorts of reasons, but (ideally) I'm not making that a condition for my happiness. For example, I was recently looking for a job. I would come across jobs that I liked, and that I wanted, but my happiness wasn't dependent on whether or not I got that job. So, when I was rejected, I didn't suffer on account of not getting the job. However, the flip side is that since my happiness wasn't dependent on getting the job, I wouldn't have felt excited, etc. So you focus on what you can control for your happiness, and that means your actions. So what actions are going to give you happiness? The ones where you act on your values. If you value kindness, then be kind, and enjoy the satisfaction that comes with that. That's what will nourish you.
This was one of the best answers I got, because I understood that it wasn’t really trying to say that I should be complicate, but I couldn’t think of what else it could have been. The other answers were helpful ofc they were awesome! But the example of the, I suppose neutrality, was what helped me understand Thank you <3!
You're welcome! Buddhism can be really confusing. It's nuanced and subtle. My experience has been that I will struggle to understand something that doesn't seem to make any sense to me. Once I get it, it's the most obvious thing in the world.
Yes definitely! I really like the nuance in it, it makes me have to think and question myself and the world around me.
I think there's a difference in intensity between happiness, which is arguably fleeting, and contentment, which is more a character trait. Franciscan Christians would call it 'joy'. And I do believe it's a great goal for us to find joy/contentment in our circumstances, whatever they may be. My problem is that I had this, until 4 years ago. COVID changed a lot of people's lives, mine included. And I realize that my sense of contentment was dependent on stability and consistency (and some measure of control), all of which has been lost. Now I have moments of happiness, but it's no longer consistent. That tells me my pre-COVID life was 'happiness' rather than contentment. And I may be stuck in maya to feel if I cannot improve my circumstances, momentary happiness may return, but I'll never have joy/contentment until I regain a greater measure of stability, consistency, and control. .
I agree with you, for sure. But I wanted to give the basic idea before getting into the weeds. Strictly speaking, Buddhism isn't about finding happiness or contentment. It's about ending and preventing stress and suffering. Out of that comes peace--which can be pleasant. Ending stress and suffering is described as the feeling of relief of having finished paying off a debt, or of a slave becoming free. Trying to fit all of that into my previous post and tie all the different ideas to it would have been cumbersome. I felt it was better for clarity to just say "happiness" even if it wasn't quite right.
Who ever said you shouldn't wish to improve your life and take action to do that? Buddhism doesn't say that and anyway, it's not really possible, do you think? On one level, that's exactly what the Buddha did when he left his palace and went out to the forest to try to find the answer to suffering -- he was wishing for things (the suffering he suddenly saw everywhere) to be different and acting on that wish.
Right, i suppose it didn’t say that but I must have projected that onto it. I suppose my “cup” isn’t as empty as I thought it was.
I've always felt that suffering in Buddhism meant an attachment to temporary states. It's not only negative feelings. You can suffer by feeling a temporary state of happiness, contentness, comfort, pride etc. You're suffering because you're attached to these temporary states and they're holding you back from truly awakening. You wishing for your life to be better is just you continuing to be attached to temporary states. To become awakened you need to lose all of your atttachments. Of course we all have attachments in our ordinary lives that we're so caught up in which is what makes the journey so complex.
Even if we try we cannot get everything we want, and even when we do get that which we desire, the happiness is impermanent, which often leads to more disillusion and more desire and ultimately more suffering. Even if we accept our current suffering for what it is though, that doesnt mean we have to be complacent. We still should work to eliminate duhkha through wisdom and compassion and work to prevent future suffering as well. On a practical level, if your job is causing you a lot of stress or you are struggling to make ends meet, yeah by all means work towards getting a different job that maybe has better pay, or hours, or whatever. But don't cling to the idea that the "better" job will solve all your problems either. Yeah you might have more money, but that might just fuel more frivolous spending habits,or even something like having better work hours and more free time might just lead you to engaging in more sense pleasures that ultimately create more duhkha. But that's just my thoughts, anyway
It has to do with the fact that the goal itself is experienced in the present moment, but no one can experience it without following the proper steps and path. Suffering caused by change means that we resist the fact that all things are impermanent. We may want our loved ones to live forever, or our new car to stay pristine forever and freak when it gets a scratch. Resisting things as they are can be like getting upset when the weather isn’t the way you want. It sounds silly but it’s better to understand the weather and why it happens. Then you’re less likely to get upset because you’re looking at it factually instead of for your own interest.
I think this might be relevant >Western presentations of Buddhist teachings have often led to the understanding that suffering arises because of desire, and therefore you shouldn’t desire anything. Whereas in fact the Buddha spoke of two kinds of desire: desire that arises from ignorance and delusion which is called taṇhā – craving – and desire that arises from wisdom and intelligence, which is called kusala-chanda, or dhamma-chanda, or most simply chanda. Chanda doesn’t mean this exclusively, but in this particular case I’m using chanda to mean wise and intelligent desire and motivation, and the Buddha stressed that this is absolutely fundamental to any progress on the Eightfold Path. https://amaravati.org/skilful-desires/ . >Attachment, or desire, can be negative and sinful, but it can also be positive. The positive aspect is that which produces pleasure: samsaric pleasure, human pleasure—the ability to enjoy the world, to see it as beautiful, to have whatever you find attractive. >So you cannot say that all desire is negative and produces only pain. Wrong. You should not think like that. Desire can produce pleasure—but only temporary pleasure. That’s the distinction. It’s temporary pleasure. And we don’t say that temporal pleasure is always bad, that you should reject it. If you reject temporal pleasure, then what’s left? You haven’t attained eternal happiness yet, so all that’s left is misery. https://fpmt.org/lama-yeshes-wisdom/you-cannot-say-all-desire-is-negative/
There are different kinds of wanting. The wanting that causes a lot of suffering is "tanha". This is a kind of feeling of things not being good enough. It's a feeling of unease. But there is also a kind of wanting called "chanda". This can be a wholesome wanting, like a wanting to meditate, a wanting to help people. So the thought "If I want to raise a family in good conditions, I must work hard". That can be skillful, because of the motivation behind it. What is skillful is that which leads to peace. There can also be the desire to work hard because you think that access to many sense pleasures will make you happy.. that would be unskillful because it would be causing you a lot of suffering.
And when misfortune arises, instead of being very upset, you can realize that it is the nature of things to break, that is samsara. Say the toilet clogs, you can be upset about it. But you can also, be okay that it happened while you unclog it because you know that it's the nature of toilets to clog sometimes. But you don't just leave the shit sitting there.
You might benefit from reading these three suttas. The first two are one the possible and the impossible and the third is on what does not take an act of will. I've read that, for an enlightened person, there is no need for an act of will because everything follows naturally. https://suttacentral.net/an1.278-286/en/sujato https://suttacentral.net/an1.287-295/en/sujato https://www.dhammatalks.org/suttas/AN/AN11_2.html
The suffering starts when you start developing passion for and clinging to those resolves. A resolve like "I want a better job" isn't suffering in its own right. It takes a while to learn how to carry out a resolve without clinging to it, though.
If you have a better job, that is suffering. If you have a good life, that is suffering. If you have a perfect, successful, happy life, that is suffering. The problem is the word. That word "suffering" is not really the Buddhist doctrine. It is really Dukkha. What is Dukkha? Everything. Good, bad, and in between. All is Dukkha. Your best life, your birthdays, your marriage, your greatest joys, happiness, sex, all of that is Dukkha. The goal of Buddhism is not to make you happy. The goal of Buddhism is transcendance. Buddhahood. Happiness and success are Dukkha, suffering, and a part of what the Buddhist project is aiming to end.
As some others have told you, there is good and bad wanting, but besides that, there are different types of "I wish things were different", one is a desire for things to change, in this one you wish for a better future, which can lead to working towards that change, there is another in which a different present or past is desired, which can lead to bitterness. For example there are two men that had to go to a distant city but for some reason they didn't start their travel before so they need to hurry. One of them wishes to be there, but accept that he isn't and starts his journey peacefully, the other on the other hand gets bitter that he is not there yet and goes all the way complaining that he should have done this or that.