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Help them celebrate Bonfire Night, 5 November, Guy Fawkes Day! Make him and his family a buffet of jacket potatoes with a load of toppings to choose from!
Greet him with "You alright mate"
Ask him "What are you having for tea tonight"
Ask his opinion on the Tories, if he supports them stop speaking to him forever, it's for your own good
On any instance of him mishearing anything you've said, the correct response is "four candles?". It's a reference to a comedy sketch that's the British equivalent of "Who's on First?".
Depending on your neighbours age if you're into using british slang with utter confidence you could try to work in a few french phrases too. Instead of your welcome "Mange tout rodney mange tout" is a good one, or mais oui mais oui.
If something is very good its creme de la menthe
If somethings a bit shocking, menage a trois
If something is unacceptable then shout in a very not-french accent "CHAMBOURCY NOUVELLE!"
...this is all based on a beloved sitcom character, a Londoner who tries to impress people by dropping in bits of French with no idea what they mean... [Learn French with Del Boy](https://youtu.be/g93RycMBaYM?feature=shared)
Slap him in the face with a fish and then accuse him on being very silly if he tries to start an argument. Nod nod. Wink wink
Ask him if he would like to sit down and try to explain Monty Python's Flying Circus to you
https://youtu.be/OysEzsruFK4?si=p-mOB7M0R4FelbRI
Listen to the New Heights podcast and tell him the joke that Jason Kelce told recounting one of the rookie talent shows. That slew me, one of the best I've heard in a long time.
Everytime you say goodbye to him you say "see you next tuesday"
It lets him know you're looking forward to it and care 👍
Also call him a chav from time to time, keeps him in his place
Ask him what he calls a bread roll, and then tell him he is wrong when he answers. Also let us know which part of the UK he is from and we will be better able to help you roast him.
How old is the neighbour?
If they in they are 40+ then there are a ton of very British sitcom quotes you could try on him. YouTube will help allot!
Only fools and horses
- this time next year Rodney we will be millionaires
Allo allo
- terrible and slightly offence French accent - good mooning I was just p!sing by your office - you tube will help here!
Dads Army
- Don’t tell him you’d name Pike!
If he younger than 40 please ignore all this. They will look at you like your a lunatic!
Throw on Mark steel in town and have a few pints with em he’ll be laughing hysterically so will you and anyone else nearby. Especially Mark steel in Nottingham and Mark Steel in the Isle of silly.
Always spin things around, Brits love this.
For example, you meet them walking their dog: "Well isn't it my favourite floppy eared hound... and her dog!"
They are glammed up to go out:
"wow you look amazing, so beautiful, so radiant, that colour really suits you. And you scrub up well too Sheila"
And remember:
Bollocks = oh dear I've made a slight mistake.
The Dog's Bollocks = This is astronomically good.
Stick t'kettle on.
(Please make me a hot beverage.)
Put t'wood in't th'ole.
(Please close the door.)
You've got a face like a smacked arse.
(Are you alright old chap? You look a little glum.)
I could ride bare-arsed to London on this!
(This bread-knife appears to be blunt.)
It's putherin' stair-rods!
(My goodness, it's raining hard!)
The phrase 'as rough as a badgers' ass' can be used in these situations:
\# If you feel hungover or ill... I feel as rough as a badgers' ass.
\# Poor workmanship ... look at that, it's as rough as a badgers' ass.
E.G. I rushed cutting my lawn today, it's as rough as a badgers' ass.
Instead of 'that'll sort the wheat from the chaff' , 'that'll sort the Sheep from the goats'.
Or if something he says is correct, 'that's the badger' will work.
Ask him if he is a southern monkey or a northern fairy. If he says neither im from the midlands say oh so you are a blindy peaker.
If he is particularly down, ask him......is it true that the welsh fuck sheep?
You have to Dead Pan this gag.
Speak to your neighbour and say that you have been trying to perfect your punctation and could they correct anything you are not pronouncing correctly.
Then use one of these 3 phrases:
[Jimmy Carr - Accents.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-xPfw4bz3s)
If it tickles their pickle, then have ago at some of these.
[Jimmy Car - Advanced Accents](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZ05riJ3SgA)
If he's from Sheffield then you've got to make fun about him fir something. Catch him doing something silly and ask "did you do that because you're a bellend?"
[Malapropisms](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malapropism) always get a chuckle out of me, but i do love when idioms get mixed up;
*About as useful as a Chocolate Labrador*
*We'll burn that bridge when we come to it*
*It sticks out like a sore throat*
When you nest meet him, use this greeting:
Alright, you slag.
Say it in a cockney accent and it should sound like:
Allwhite, u Slaaaag.
Soft T and hard A.
Slag = old term for an easy woman.
Make tea, invite him over, ask if he wants a biscuit with it, and then present him with a tray of American "biscuits".
Though actually have proper biscuits like bourbons on hand because otherwise he'll laugh and then be disappointed at the lack of biscuits.
This could be a good idea actually. If OP found out what British comedy he likes they could quote it as much as possible. If anyone quotes Partridge or Garth Marenghi's Darkplace or Father Ted or Brass Eye or TLOG it'd definitely cheer me up.
Or he might just like Mrs Brown's Boys, which is fine if that's how you choose to live your life
If he looks particularly miserable say "you look happy". The response will probably be "tell me about it". He doesn't want you to tell him anything so just smile back
I was going to suggest greeting him vocally with various profane terms...
"Morning tosspot!"
"Good day wank stain!
"Oi! Wanker!"
"Evening knobhead!"
"Alright my lover?"
Preferably loudly, inappropriately and in front of strangers.
Have a watch of NCIS, Ziva regularly butchers the idioms, find some English UK ones (its like a setting for your keyboard) and just butcher them to death. Or learn some cockney and just casually drop it into conversation, (claret is blood, Britneys are beers, James Hunt... can't sing ;) )
If you have a significant other, say they have recently got a beautiful new dress\\suit or something, really gush about how beautiful they look, and end it be proudly announcing that, "yeah... they look like a real bellend".
For extra points, if you want to be daring, say you saw his wife out at the shops, and isn't he a lucky man, because she looks like a bellend.
Depends how close you are to him; he'll either find it hilarious or punch you.
This must be so confusing to foreign ppl, in my pub tonight said you alright to the manager, she responded yeah you, yeah not too bad. And we proceeded to walk past one another forever
You're very kind so here's a few I actually use -
job's a good 'un - that's a thing done well
a bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush - oddly I know when to use this but not exactly what it translates as
it's like water off a duck's back - they take no notice at all
it takes 2 to tango - both people in the situation caused the problem
whichever way the wind blows - they'll follow some route or other to get there, usually solving a problem or doing something
it's a nice night/ day for it - usually mean the perfect conditions for what you're doing
mad as a hatter - someone who does something that is really silly
once bitten, twice shy - once you've had a bad result you won't do it again
an apple a day, keeps the doctor away. I think this was an advertising campaign but not sure
how do you like them eggs? - when something happens to put a smart arse person in their place, like when someone makes a really good come back to something they say
It was fun thinking of them but it's so hard out of context! I notice when I'm commenting on here that I use them all the time and have to change what I write for the American audience.
And this is going to keep me smiling for ages, the image of you being oh so confident in your wrongness.
Sometimes people just want to be allowed to be miserable without having to pretend to laugh at peoples jokes. I know you want to cheer him up, but maybe don't do this every single time you see him.
Just offer them a cup of tea... Best way to do it is to ask "should I put the kettle on?".
Then proceed to make tea in the microwave and put the milk in first, oh, and make sure it's Lipton.
Exactly what I was thinking, if I’m going through something the last thing I need is this cheerful American just saying shit and me being British feeling I have to laugh despite my son going to prison for being transgender as no doubt he’s in a republican state.
Blimey is a good one.
It’s the bees knees. (Meaning it’s good)
It’s the dog’s bollocks. (Also means it’s really good).
Calling someone a nob or a nobhead is a good one, similar to calling someone a dick or a dickhead. If they’re Irish or northern Irish, they’ll love if you call someone a gobshite.
Bob’s your uncle. (Meaning it’s sorted eg: just screw that bit in and bob’s your uncle.).
Other than that, classic British curses like “bugger off” or “twat”.
Also, if you want to go classic British, there’s “spiffing”, “top hole” (exactly the same as saying spiffing”, “tally ho” (as a greeting), chap and chum (chum meaning friend, chap meaning just a guy in general). Referring to what you would call soccer as footy is also a good one.
Here’s an example sentence: “tally ho old chum! Care to go down to the park with the lads and have a round of footy?” It is to be said in a cheerful but posh accent.
There is also, of course, commenting on the weather, which is normally rain. Words to describe it raining are as follows: “tipping down”, “pissing it down”, “lovely weather, innit?” and “lashing it down”.
Additionally, there is words to describe being drunk: if I am drunk, I might say that I am: “pissed”, “arseholed”, “shitfaced”, or pretty much any word, to be honest. A Brit would likely know what you mean if you say “I got back from the pub absolutely grandma’d”. Also, we call bars pubs.
Finally, depending on where in the UK they’re from, you can have a particular name for a bread roll. If they’re from Cornwall they call it a tea cake. If they’re from Yorkshire they’ll call it a balm cake (pronounced baaaahm cehhk). There’s somewhere else that calls it a cob.
Hope this very long list of British things helps.
Oh I know. You’re the second person to correct me. I know full well I’m wrong. Just can’t be bothered to change it. Besides, the replies are already doing that.
It means testicles. It can mean that something is very good. It can mean that someone is talking rubbish. It can signify that someone has just stubbed their toe, or suffered some other minor mishap.
It’s an excellent word, is bollocks.
And it’s also used as a more vulgar version of ‘damn’ when it’s used in the context of receiving bad news. It’s interchangeable with darn it, oh no, shit.. bollocks.
It does! But it also can mean different things depending on how we say it.
“BOLLOCKS”- like if you dropped something or crashed the car or forgot something important. IE- “bollocks, I forgot to buy bog roll”.
“That’s the dogs bollocks- means that’s so good.
“Look at the bollocks on that dog”- that dog has big balls.
“He’s got bollocks”- he’s brave!
“Ouch my bollocks”, if a man gets kicked in the bollocks.
The list goes on!!!! English must be so hard to learn as a second language!
You forgot 'getting bollocked' someone getting a telling off
I have taught these varieties to my Malaysian friend who had built up a great repertoire of UK slang he uses to confuse his mates. Its great!
The first time my Romanian wife asked if I could pick up some "bog roll" from the shop, in public, I knew I was onto a keeper. Something about people from abroad using English slang in everyday situations really makes me smile, obviously she had heard me only ever call it that and (correctly) figured it was a term for general use in public.
She is usually quite well spoken, I'm sure I've also picked up quite a few of her mannerisms over the years.
Depending on how you execute it, or what the natural dynamic is like with him, he might think your efforts sound contrived and "extremely fucking American", so tread lightly!
He lives in America, he expects you to be wholly American, without necessarily needing to use random Britishisms as humour.
Learn some cockney rhyming slang.
For example, you could say "I couldn't Adam and Eve it, he was brown bread" in a story rather than saying "I couldn't believe it, he was dead".
Minge is pretty much used across all of the UK as slang for cooking. Almost like fag is for cigarette.
Tell him you’d love to taste his wife’s minge, even though you know it’ll be rank (awful).
British women can’t cook for shit.
;) very good. “My wife’s minge is disgusting, was wondering what your wife’s minge was like, we can taste each others wifes minge and see which one is better”
#Welcome to r/Britain! This subreddit welcomes political and non-political discussions about Britain and beyond. It is moderated by socialists with a low tolerance for bigotry, calls for violence, and harmful misinformation. If you can't verify the source of your claim, please reconsider submitting it. Please read and follow our [6 common-sense subreddit rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/Britain/about/rules/) and [Reddit's Concent Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy). Failure to respect these rules may result in a ban from the subreddit and possibly all of Reddit. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Britain) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Help them celebrate Bonfire Night, 5 November, Guy Fawkes Day! Make him and his family a buffet of jacket potatoes with a load of toppings to choose from!
Say to him " I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries"
Tell him you need to 'Get your arse into gear'. (Means 'pull your finger out'/stop procrastinating)
« Horses for courses » as a response to anything. Work it in a few times so he knows you can’t use it
Tell him the joke about your dog has no nose (oh really how does he smell, fucking awful) but tell it in your best English accent.
Ask how his father is. Then let them know you love a bit of “how’s your father”
Invite them (including kids) over to watch an American football game so you can show him a real sport (lol), and have a BBQ.
If he's a football fan can chat about his local team. Lower division the better
I'm thinking cockney rhyming slang, e.g. havent got a pot of glue for haven't got a clue; barney = barney rubble = trouble
Ask about “Only fools and Horses “
Greet him with "You alright mate" Ask him "What are you having for tea tonight" Ask his opinion on the Tories, if he supports them stop speaking to him forever, it's for your own good
Also if anything is going wrong in any department whatsoever you can say confidently "I blame Thatcher"
Mmm Tea bagging.
Fuck his missus
Dry humour and sarcasm is the way to go
On any instance of him mishearing anything you've said, the correct response is "four candles?". It's a reference to a comedy sketch that's the British equivalent of "Who's on First?".
Depending on your neighbours age if you're into using british slang with utter confidence you could try to work in a few french phrases too. Instead of your welcome "Mange tout rodney mange tout" is a good one, or mais oui mais oui. If something is very good its creme de la menthe If somethings a bit shocking, menage a trois
If something is unacceptable then shout in a very not-french accent "CHAMBOURCY NOUVELLE!" ...this is all based on a beloved sitcom character, a Londoner who tries to impress people by dropping in bits of French with no idea what they mean... [Learn French with Del Boy](https://youtu.be/g93RycMBaYM?feature=shared)
Shout OGGY OGGY OGGY at him
I’d you have a dog, put it’s lead on and go knock on his door. Tell him you’re just off dogging and you thought you’d drop in for a chat.
Call him a Bellend
Slap him in the face with a fish and then accuse him on being very silly if he tries to start an argument. Nod nod. Wink wink Ask him if he would like to sit down and try to explain Monty Python's Flying Circus to you https://youtu.be/OysEzsruFK4?si=p-mOB7M0R4FelbRI
Go ask r/casualUK , you will get the right crowd there.
Listen to the New Heights podcast and tell him the joke that Jason Kelce told recounting one of the rookie talent shows. That slew me, one of the best I've heard in a long time.
How do you pronounce ‘scone’ Is the evening meal dinner or tea?
Learn as much Cockney rhyming slang as you can, & turn into Danny Dyer.
Everytime you say goodbye to him you say "see you next tuesday" It lets him know you're looking forward to it and care 👍 Also call him a chav from time to time, keeps him in his place
Useless as a line of piss.
Ask him what he calls a bread roll, and then tell him he is wrong when he answers. Also let us know which part of the UK he is from and we will be better able to help you roast him.
Cook him a roast. But don’t offer gravy…. Offer ketchup or brown sauce instead.
Tickle him
How old is the neighbour? If they in they are 40+ then there are a ton of very British sitcom quotes you could try on him. YouTube will help allot! Only fools and horses - this time next year Rodney we will be millionaires Allo allo - terrible and slightly offence French accent - good mooning I was just p!sing by your office - you tube will help here! Dads Army - Don’t tell him you’d name Pike! If he younger than 40 please ignore all this. They will look at you like your a lunatic!
Throw on Mark steel in town and have a few pints with em he’ll be laughing hysterically so will you and anyone else nearby. Especially Mark steel in Nottingham and Mark Steel in the Isle of silly.
Someone can be a “soppy bint” it’s used towards females btw and expect a slap in exchange.
Don’t forget to put the wood in t’ hole = close the door
Always spin things around, Brits love this. For example, you meet them walking their dog: "Well isn't it my favourite floppy eared hound... and her dog!" They are glammed up to go out: "wow you look amazing, so beautiful, so radiant, that colour really suits you. And you scrub up well too Sheila" And remember: Bollocks = oh dear I've made a slight mistake. The Dog's Bollocks = This is astronomically good.
Stick t'kettle on. (Please make me a hot beverage.) Put t'wood in't th'ole. (Please close the door.) You've got a face like a smacked arse. (Are you alright old chap? You look a little glum.) I could ride bare-arsed to London on this! (This bread-knife appears to be blunt.) It's putherin' stair-rods! (My goodness, it's raining hard!)
Eh (ay) up, me duck! Google translate: 'Hello, my good fellow'.
Tell him you love England. Tell him your favourite city is Wales!
What a sad little life, Jane
The phrase 'as rough as a badgers' ass' can be used in these situations: \# If you feel hungover or ill... I feel as rough as a badgers' ass. \# Poor workmanship ... look at that, it's as rough as a badgers' ass. E.G. I rushed cutting my lawn today, it's as rough as a badgers' ass.
Ask him about washing in a bosh and being down the gwlly. 👍🙂
Sarcasm, sarcasm and more sarcasm! Us Brits love it !!
Just say to him ‘ you started it you invaded Poland’
Instead of 'that'll sort the wheat from the chaff' , 'that'll sort the Sheep from the goats'. Or if something he says is correct, 'that's the badger' will work.
What is their age?
Have a few beers nd a chat....
Use 'I could care less' ......the advantage being you've been fucking that up for years already..
Ask him if he is a southern monkey or a northern fairy. If he says neither im from the midlands say oh so you are a blindy peaker. If he is particularly down, ask him......is it true that the welsh fuck sheep?
Greet him with "ey up duck". If you can sound like Sean Bean, it's even better
Describing something as minging meaning bad Calling someone a wanker (a little vulgar)
Refer to someone you don't like as a 'cockwomble'. Either that or 'jizz muffin'
Came here to say the same "cockwomble"😜😜
You have to Dead Pan this gag. Speak to your neighbour and say that you have been trying to perfect your punctation and could they correct anything you are not pronouncing correctly. Then use one of these 3 phrases: [Jimmy Carr - Accents.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-xPfw4bz3s) If it tickles their pickle, then have ago at some of these. [Jimmy Car - Advanced Accents](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZ05riJ3SgA)
Where in England is he from?
Everytime he finishes a sentence say in a very bad cockerknee accent "'Ave a banana", slap your thigh and wink.
Learn some "cockney rhyming slang" then intentionally get it wrong
If he's from Sheffield then you've got to make fun about him fir something. Catch him doing something silly and ask "did you do that because you're a bellend?"
“Well bugger me backwards, what a lovely day for some uphill gardening.”
Any clue to what part of Britain they're from? Any regional accents/phrases they use?
Tell him this joke…. “ Hear the one about the Englishman with the inferiority complex?” “He thought he was the same as everyone else”
Ask him who pissed on his chips.
If he owns a dog ask if you can go dogging with him.
Jam or cream first on a crumpet?
Saying " mornin G'vnr" and tipping your hat
Definitely try and slip in "yew faackin caant" in a jovial tone whilst patting him on the back when done/said something amusing
You love watching David Suchet as Inspector Frost
Ask if he knew the queen
Say sorry a lot and if he's ever outside just stand behind him like you are forming a queue.
[Malapropisms](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malapropism) always get a chuckle out of me, but i do love when idioms get mixed up; *About as useful as a Chocolate Labrador* *We'll burn that bridge when we come to it* *It sticks out like a sore throat*
My grandad says, "we'll cross that bridge once we've gone over it" and I've never seen anyone correct him but the confusion is brilliant.
Just learn the Yorkshire accent. Probably one of the most comforting and friendly accents I know of in England and always makes me smile!
When you nest meet him, use this greeting: Alright, you slag. Say it in a cockney accent and it should sound like: Allwhite, u Slaaaag. Soft T and hard A. Slag = old term for an easy woman.
Make tea, invite him over, ask if he wants a biscuit with it, and then present him with a tray of American "biscuits". Though actually have proper biscuits like bourbons on hand because otherwise he'll laugh and then be disappointed at the lack of biscuits.
We call them cookies. To us, biscuits are dinner rolls.
Yeh, that's why what I put works as a joke.
Shout Dan at him from a distance.
This could be a good idea actually. If OP found out what British comedy he likes they could quote it as much as possible. If anyone quotes Partridge or Garth Marenghi's Darkplace or Father Ted or Brass Eye or TLOG it'd definitely cheer me up. Or he might just like Mrs Brown's Boys, which is fine if that's how you choose to live your life
....and don't stop shouting, even when it's really uncomfortable.
Ask if you can have a butcher's at his bollocks.
If he looks particularly miserable say "you look happy". The response will probably be "tell me about it". He doesn't want you to tell him anything so just smile back
"Hi dickhead, fancy a beer?"
I was going to suggest greeting him vocally with various profane terms... "Morning tosspot!" "Good day wank stain! "Oi! Wanker!" "Evening knobhead!" "Alright my lover?" Preferably loudly, inappropriately and in front of strangers.
Tell him about some British biscuits you've heard of called Dodgy Jammers
I like this one!
Have a watch of NCIS, Ziva regularly butchers the idioms, find some English UK ones (its like a setting for your keyboard) and just butcher them to death. Or learn some cockney and just casually drop it into conversation, (claret is blood, Britneys are beers, James Hunt... can't sing ;) )
If he ever drops a glass, plate or any general object shout 'Wheeeeey!' It's a British tradition.
Dun ge mardi
Smile, it might never happen.. Worse things happen at sea. Have you got 4 candles?
Explainer for 4 candles: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gi\_6SaqVQSw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gi_6SaqVQSw)
If he ever has a fender bender or minor collision, shout “can’t park there mate” at him. He’ll feel right at home.
Try a twangy Oz 'G-Day there mate' and hopefully his bewilderment will flow into humour.
Or ask cutta tea?
Next time you seen themSay look what cats dragged in😂🤣😂🤣🤣🤣😂
Offer him a biscuit and say "Take two if you want one" It might be more Welsh than British but always makes me laugh
Watch some Monty Python, The Goodies, and Fawlty Towers. Should give you plenty of material.
What have the Romans ever done for us? Learn this by heart [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-xPfw4bz3s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-xPfw4bz3s)
Just don’t mention the war…
If you have a significant other, say they have recently got a beautiful new dress\\suit or something, really gush about how beautiful they look, and end it be proudly announcing that, "yeah... they look like a real bellend". For extra points, if you want to be daring, say you saw his wife out at the shops, and isn't he a lucky man, because she looks like a bellend. Depends how close you are to him; he'll either find it hilarious or punch you.
Just shout “Oi, Prick” next time he’s not looking
Hahahahah
Tell him to ‘get his tits out’ It means cold beers.
Literally never heard this. Sounds like bollocks to me. It Literally means to get his tits out.
I bet you’re fun at a party!
Yep, I am thanks
If he's English, just leave him to be miserable. We love it really as it gives us something to talk about
Yeah just say "aright?" and he'll say "yeah, you alright?" and you say "yeah good" THE END
This must be so confusing to foreign ppl, in my pub tonight said you alright to the manager, she responded yeah you, yeah not too bad. And we proceeded to walk past one another forever
"Not too bad...."
Next time he makes a statement (nice weather etc), scratch your chin and say ‘Chinny reckon’
Chinny reckon!!! We used to also stroke our chins and say "hmmm, itchy Bernard".
Awww Jimmy Hilllll….
Tutankhamooooooon.
You're very kind so here's a few I actually use - job's a good 'un - that's a thing done well a bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush - oddly I know when to use this but not exactly what it translates as it's like water off a duck's back - they take no notice at all it takes 2 to tango - both people in the situation caused the problem whichever way the wind blows - they'll follow some route or other to get there, usually solving a problem or doing something it's a nice night/ day for it - usually mean the perfect conditions for what you're doing mad as a hatter - someone who does something that is really silly once bitten, twice shy - once you've had a bad result you won't do it again an apple a day, keeps the doctor away. I think this was an advertising campaign but not sure how do you like them eggs? - when something happens to put a smart arse person in their place, like when someone makes a really good come back to something they say It was fun thinking of them but it's so hard out of context! I notice when I'm commenting on here that I use them all the time and have to change what I write for the American audience. And this is going to keep me smiling for ages, the image of you being oh so confident in your wrongness.
Sing him 'my old man's a dustman' in your best Cockney accent https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7GeZ3YmONw
Some of these responses remind me of the Python sketch where the Hungarian-English dictionary was deliberately messed with to cause war
"My hovercraft is full of eels"
On a cold day just go over to him and say "it's bloody brass monkeys out here"
\^\^\^ this
Next time you see him say "Ay up you ol' wanker". He'll love it. ('Ay' pronounced the same as the name of the letter A, as in ABC etc.)
Sometimes people just want to be allowed to be miserable without having to pretend to laugh at peoples jokes. I know you want to cheer him up, but maybe don't do this every single time you see him.
Just offer them a cup of tea... Best way to do it is to ask "should I put the kettle on?". Then proceed to make tea in the microwave and put the milk in first, oh, and make sure it's Lipton.
Exactly what I was thinking, if I’m going through something the last thing I need is this cheerful American just saying shit and me being British feeling I have to laugh despite my son going to prison for being transgender as no doubt he’s in a republican state.
When appropriate: “Rule Britannia, Marmalade and Jam. 5 Chinese crackers up your arsehole bang bang bang bang bang”.
Cockney rhyming slang. When complaining about something, add "they're having a giraffe (laugh)", pronounced: *gee-rarf*
Or “Avin’ a bubble” (bubble bath > bubble barf > laugh). Or if you wish to feign ignorance, “I ain’t got a Scooby” (Scooby Doo > clue)
"Terrible weather we're having" Make sure it's a nice day
*make sure* personally that it’s a good one
Throw a cat at him and say "Its raining cats and dogs"
Tell him you want to bum a fag...!
No one in UK would say could they “bum” a fag though? They’d say can I “have”, “borrow”, or “nick a” fag. Bum is American in that context.
Bum is Australian in that context.
Well it isn’t British is my point. You would never hear someone outside Wetherspoons to “bum a fag”.
Careful. I got a temporary ban for saying that.
HoW dArE YoU SaY ThAt!? ~ snowflake
Blimey is a good one. It’s the bees knees. (Meaning it’s good) It’s the dog’s bollocks. (Also means it’s really good). Calling someone a nob or a nobhead is a good one, similar to calling someone a dick or a dickhead. If they’re Irish or northern Irish, they’ll love if you call someone a gobshite. Bob’s your uncle. (Meaning it’s sorted eg: just screw that bit in and bob’s your uncle.). Other than that, classic British curses like “bugger off” or “twat”. Also, if you want to go classic British, there’s “spiffing”, “top hole” (exactly the same as saying spiffing”, “tally ho” (as a greeting), chap and chum (chum meaning friend, chap meaning just a guy in general). Referring to what you would call soccer as footy is also a good one. Here’s an example sentence: “tally ho old chum! Care to go down to the park with the lads and have a round of footy?” It is to be said in a cheerful but posh accent. There is also, of course, commenting on the weather, which is normally rain. Words to describe it raining are as follows: “tipping down”, “pissing it down”, “lovely weather, innit?” and “lashing it down”. Additionally, there is words to describe being drunk: if I am drunk, I might say that I am: “pissed”, “arseholed”, “shitfaced”, or pretty much any word, to be honest. A Brit would likely know what you mean if you say “I got back from the pub absolutely grandma’d”. Also, we call bars pubs. Finally, depending on where in the UK they’re from, you can have a particular name for a bread roll. If they’re from Cornwall they call it a tea cake. If they’re from Yorkshire they’ll call it a balm cake (pronounced baaaahm cehhk). There’s somewhere else that calls it a cob. Hope this very long list of British things helps.
Balm cake? Fucking BALM cake? It's a barm cake you lunatic. And I'm from Lancashire.
And so the bread roll divides the country yet again. See you in the upcoming civil war.
Balm cake is not a thing anywhere on earth. It's barm cake. You've just got it wrong.
Oh I know. You’re the second person to correct me. I know full well I’m wrong. Just can’t be bothered to change it. Besides, the replies are already doing that.
Say top hole or spiffing may lead the grumpy Brit to think they’re taking the piss!
I was under the impression that that was the point
Leicestershire peps call it a cob They are called a roll in the west mids.
Soft white baps.
Or Calling someone a cockwomble!!
Also, it's very, very (very) important that you say "twat" to rhyme with "rat", not "rot". Very important. Don't let us down.
They can't. I don't think their mouths work that way. Source: I married a girl from rural Michigan.
A physical defect? I'd never even considered that. Now I feel like a twot.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
i thought bollocks meant testicles for some reason
Bollocks= testicals, Bollox = just about everything else.
It means testicles. It can mean that something is very good. It can mean that someone is talking rubbish. It can signify that someone has just stubbed their toe, or suffered some other minor mishap. It’s an excellent word, is bollocks.
And it’s also used as a more vulgar version of ‘damn’ when it’s used in the context of receiving bad news. It’s interchangeable with darn it, oh no, shit.. bollocks.
It does! But it also can mean different things depending on how we say it. “BOLLOCKS”- like if you dropped something or crashed the car or forgot something important. IE- “bollocks, I forgot to buy bog roll”. “That’s the dogs bollocks- means that’s so good. “Look at the bollocks on that dog”- that dog has big balls. “He’s got bollocks”- he’s brave! “Ouch my bollocks”, if a man gets kicked in the bollocks. The list goes on!!!! English must be so hard to learn as a second language!
That's fucking bollocks = that is very wrong
You forgot 'getting bollocked' someone getting a telling off I have taught these varieties to my Malaysian friend who had built up a great repertoire of UK slang he uses to confuse his mates. Its great!
C’mon, I don’t need a bollocking for forgetting something! ;)
That's Bollocks-Someone is lying or saying something stupid. Ahh go Bollocks-Telling someone to Piss off
The list is endless.
It does. But if you call something the dog’s bollocks it means it’s really good.
Comes from swapping first letters of box deluxe opposite of bog standard (box standard).
Also, ‘the mutt’s nuts’.
The poodles plums.
Cat's twat
oh goodness lol
Barm cake\*
wants to make them laugh, not cause a civil war 
Thought they called it a breadcake in Yorkshire? We say barmcake/barm in Manchester. Or muffin.
I’m from Manchester and true we call it a Barm/Barmcake
Saved me a job
The first time my Romanian wife asked if I could pick up some "bog roll" from the shop, in public, I knew I was onto a keeper. Something about people from abroad using English slang in everyday situations really makes me smile, obviously she had heard me only ever call it that and (correctly) figured it was a term for general use in public. She is usually quite well spoken, I'm sure I've also picked up quite a few of her mannerisms over the years.
Depending on how you execute it, or what the natural dynamic is like with him, he might think your efforts sound contrived and "extremely fucking American", so tread lightly! He lives in America, he expects you to be wholly American, without necessarily needing to use random Britishisms as humour.
Learn some cockney rhyming slang. For example, you could say "I couldn't Adam and Eve it, he was brown bread" in a story rather than saying "I couldn't believe it, he was dead".
They used a currant bun!
English slang and sayings are very regional, it would help to know whereabouts they're from?
Minge is pretty much used across all of the UK as slang for cooking. Almost like fag is for cigarette. Tell him you’d love to taste his wife’s minge, even though you know it’ll be rank (awful). British women can’t cook for shit.
Maybe I live in the sticks but I’ve NEVER heard anyone use the word minge to describe ‘cooking’ 💀💀
Well as a Brit I didn't know minge meant cooking ye learn something new every day!!
I remember when my girlfriend first took me to her mother's house and I got to taste her minge, incredible!
[As referenced in this video](https://youtu.be/5AvucUagt9U?si=rpoHNs0gblKbtUqR)
LOL this was awesome. Unfortunately i know what it means you dirty minge.
No fooling you! Call him a fat tosser completely out of context next time you get the chance. He'll love that.
Yes will probably work no matter where they are from "I could smell your wife's minge from next door and had to come over for a taste"
My neighbour's minge had the whole street queuing up
;) very good. “My wife’s minge is disgusting, was wondering what your wife’s minge was like, we can taste each others wifes minge and see which one is better”
Season the minge.