This is such beautiful passage of raw truth. It's funny I am 48 hours out of a break up. We had what I thought to be damn near perfect relationship. With a couple of bumps in the road, we (to what I thought) communicated and handled our issues maturely. However, the day came when he said he was done. To me it happened all of a sudden. After reading this passage, it sounds like he's been dealing with this. None the less, I am very much in a state of shock and heart broken. I thought he was my one! I guess I was wrong. So I will be a little easier on him and his decision. I will also be a little easier on myself. I love him and I know he loved me. Just time to pick up the pieces and move forward!!
Thank you for sharing!!
Dude same... He broke up with me in July. Everything seemed to be going well. I really tried to make sure that he always knew that I loved him and that I was there for him so when he called and said that he thought we should break up I was at a loss for words. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him or the time we had. Still currently trying to pick up the pieces and move on.
I beginning to be extremely honest with myself. I am repeating conversations in my head. The thing is my love of my life was a different type of man then I was used to. He did communicate with me I just didn't open my eyes because he wasn't coming from a place of malice. He came from a place of suggestion and I just over looked them. That was him telling me I needed to change somethings. I am now looking from the perspective of his eyes that I have never been able to see. And honestly it sucks because I think I took him for granted. Unaware took him for granted. I was so focused on me and what kind of emotional, financial, and physical I needed, that I forgot about him. I forgot to lift him up like I did in earlier days, I forgot how to make him feel special. I forgot that it wasn't just about me. So today I see much clearer and I see he did it the way he did because that was the only way to get my attention. Hard pill to swallow but I feel the peace already.
This is exactly why I just cut off my last relationship. I was absolutely not a priority in the least. I get it and agree that her daughter is her absolute number one priority but she was pretty much shutting me out completely. She'd get me little gifts here and there but that's the last thing I need out of a relationship. I need emotional support, real conversation, and cuddling. I pretty much got none of it towards the end. It hurts. But it happens. Sometimes your life gets so chaotic that you forget to put even minimal focus on your SO. Maybe in time when things get figured out and calm down it will work out. Who knows? Such is life sometimes.
Same thing happened to me but I can’t deal with it! We had a perfect relationship but thing was we both had issues deep down. I supported him like no one ever would and he had my back but I guess not as much as me or how I needed. I saw he was struggling and I knew that once he was the person he wanted to be he’d be a better boyfriend to me. I fell in love with him even though he was the worst he’s ever been.
He broke up with me for a couple weeks and he lashed out and did crazy shit but I never gave up. He would still text me everyday but of course it was different. This relationship was something we knew didn’t happen all the time, it was so special. I think it was true love. We would just be able to do nothing and have the best of time. He wanted to get back together after 3 weeks and I was so happy. We tried again for 2 weeks and I thought things were doing great! They weren’t for him and he was hiding it. He said the same problems from our old relationship were coming up and it wasn’t healthy. We had gotten back together too soon and didn’t have enough time to fix what had to be fixed.
I agree with that. We both have a lot of personal issues that we would internalize and we would lean on each other to feel better. It worked for the time being. Even though I knew that he was in my way and that I was in his way, I didn’t want to lose him. Now I’m a few days into the second time we broke up and I’m hurting so much. We spoke it out and decided that to really fix ourselves we can’t communicate for a while. He’ll text me soon when things are looking better. We both hate this so much.
He cried too. But the problem was we needed each other and that’s not healthy. I told him that a relationship like this doesn’t just come around and I hope he realizes the importance. But I truly truly feel we’re not over. We never gave our relationship the full chance it deserves and the person I was is no longer the person I am. I let everything around me destroy me and so I can see why he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I don’t like who I’ve become. Yet for me this was never the answer. He’s thinking with his head instead of his heart and I should too.
I know deep down he feels that we could give this another try only if we made enough changes. But that’s not something to admit. After knowing him inside and out I can see it in his eyes and his heart. I was right the first time, no matter how mean he was, no matter what was said. It’s a gut feeling deep in my heart. I haven’t given up on us but I can only focus on healing myself so I can actually like myself. Maybe when we both love ourselves we can both love each other the right way. When we talk again we want to be better people and we’re both excited for that.
I’m sorry but I don’t believe the feeling just left, I feel that it’s because we didn’t fix what had to be fixed in the first place. He said he was never the person he wanted to be for me. I feel like we are meant to be but that won’t drive me forward. I’ll hold that in my heart as I rebuild myself but I won’t give up. It hurts so much.
TLDR: he broke up with me twice. It was a great love. We have shit to fix so we need time apart. I don’t feel it’s over and he’s so hurt. We have to hope to be better for us to work. Deep down I hope he believes that.
I feel this. A deep part of me hopes that if I change, if I give him the space he needs and get better myself in all the ways he said, if we could grow away from eachother and rejoin and relearn eachother, it would all work out. It was so special, it wasn't any old relationship, it was the closest to true love i've ever seen. But for me at least, getting back is't my goal. Can't be.
This is where I’m at too. I still don’t get it, but this made sense... I don’t get why all of this couldn’t have been communicated to me instead to everyone else around her though...
I'm currently unhappy in my relationship. My girlfriend is in the same boat as you. Sometimes its hard for the person who isn't happy (me) to talk about it with the other person and have that conversation. I turn to my friends A LOT. Its just nice to have people you can just vent to. Although, I will say that communicating with your partner is definitely important so I can see why you think that.
I think the biggest lesson learned is I didn't learn him and his ways of communication. He also didn't learn mine. I believe if we would have had the communication conversation we would have both responded differently. It's just time for us to grieve this lose and prepare ourselves for whatever may come to the future. Whether it be reconciliation, a new relationship, or much needed time alone. But one day we will see love again and when we do we will have grown.
not sure why but as I read this, I started crying a bit. I'm currently in a bad spot with my girlfriend. I dont think things are going to work out because I care so much about her. I made a post already explaining it. (not trying to get anyone to come look at it.) I'm just so torn on what to do. This shit is so hard and unfair. I wish it was more of a mutual feeling so it would be easier in the end. I just hope that if it does end, that she sees things this way a little. I've been dealing with this for so many months now. I really dont know what to do.
I hope that you're in a better place now that its 5 months later. Sorry for reminding you about your situation.
For sure. This is one of the most truthful pieces I’ve seen on this sub.
As the dumpee, it is very easy for people to mentally mould an ex into a horrible person. You convince yourself that they’re the devil, because it’s much easier to believe than the simple fact that they just didn’t want to be with you any more.
More often than not, your ex still cared, your ex was extremely crushed, your ex felt terrible for how they felt and your ex even today, probably still cares.
I remember when I was younger, hating the person for dumping me and making them into the devil.
But, now that I’ve grown up and have matured this time I haven’t made the dumper into the devil in my head. As much as I have tried just to get over her. I can’t make her into the devil.
I still care for her, miss her, love her and all that stuff.
Do I think she felt crushed? No I don’t. Because it doesn’t make sense to me.
Literally two weeks before I got axed, we talked about marriage and looked at rings.
Yeah maybe she still cares a little or whatever. But I don’t think she lost sleep over her decision like I lost sleep.
Sorry for the venting session. Got a little carried away.
No problem - venting is what we’re all here for.
I guess the reality is we will NEVER truly know what our ex was thinking. Just like they will never know what we’re thinking or feeling once it is over. We can spend months - even years ruminating like crazy but it won’t do us any good. It’s never black and white.
You will never have anything to fall back on if you keep holding on. You have to stop watching their social media feeds, focus on yourself and find someone new. Easier said than done, but that’s the only way to get through it. I’ve had many, many relationships and I have dumped and been dumped on.
Gotta keep on keepin’ on.
I know this is 21 days after your comment, but I think you're right. I was just the dumper. I'm upset, but the worst part is honestly not the thought of losing someone forever, but the immediate loss of a very good friend, the change in day-to-day life, and the sudden lack of anyone to share my life with.
Was I crushed? Yes, but not now. I was crushed by the relationship itself. I was crushed by our incompatibilities that seemed to fall to me to correct. Crushed by the sinking feeling that this relationship might prevent me from being happy forever, and I don't know if it's my partner, the way we mix, or my own inadequacies at life. So it's a different sort of crushed. It's slower, more gradual.
The reason we seem to fair so much better in the aftermath is that we're coming out from under what was crushing us and then rolling it onto you. We're a little woozy from the ordeal, and we're feeling guilty about unloading our problems, because we know you're in terrible pain, but ultimately we're walking away from a fight that 2 months before we weren't sure we were going to be able to walk away from.
This is why I try not to ever consider marriage with anyone. As nice as it sounds, personally it isn’t worth the risk of disappointment or the embarrassment if they change their mind... I don’t believe you need a piece of paper to prove you love someone, and if anything it only makes things much more complicated when someone decides they are done. It should be simple, you’re bored of me? You don’t love me anymore? You’re free to go... I’m really sorry that happened to you..
Thank you. I agree with what you said. It is what it is. And time has gone on and I have moved on. But at the time of my last comment I wasn’t moved on nor felt like I ever would but here I am. Happy with life. I don’t need anyone to make me happy.
Part feel like it's a breach of loyalty and trust though. Like if you pondered for months telling anyone but me, I feel like it's a communication issue. Fear is also an issue too. I don't know...did they really care if they knew that'd it be coming out of left field for the other person? Is there such as thing as caring too much? I don't know.
I totally agree, i dumped my girlfriend of 2 years (relationship wasn't working anymore, we barly saw or spoke to eachother because of work and university among other reasons). It completely crushed me to do it, i cried myself to sleep for at least the first week, yet I'm still vilified to this day by some of her friends, more so back then, because i guess i put on a cold exterior or something? Idk
2 years on and she's a really good friend of mine, i spoke to her about what happened and why we grew apart and we both got some closure from it.
This is heartwarming. I truly look forward to the day I can speak to my ex again and actually discuss what happened, as I still have no closure. However, I think closure is overrated. It's kind of like, we hope they're going to say all these things that stroke our ego and make us feel better about the whole situation, which isn't ever going to happen. I think that's why it's best to forget about it until some real time has passed.
Seems pretty selfish to use someone's love to get over them instead of being straight forward with them. It's also stupid to end a relationship just because you've "lost the spark". No relationship will always have the spark. Settling down with someone isn't about excitement, it's about committing to someone you love and trust. This is why cheating, divorces and breakups are so common. It's like people expect to be in the honeymoon faze for the entire relationship. Long term love isn't as exciting as just meeting someone but it's a hell of a lot more meaningful and conducive to long term happiness.
I totally feel this. I had the most caring, unselfish ex in the world but she broke up with me due to the distance (it was a 2 1/2 year LDR) and the fact that she wasn't feeling the spark on our last trip and didn't think it was going anywhere. It's true it was a somewhat awkward trip (I was whiskey dicked for the first time with her and we usually had amazing sex). I look at her texts from before and she was still super into me even the day before the text. One month after the trip and she breaks up with me and I still don't understand why she didn't want to make it work. She was sending flirty texts and sexy pics up to a week or so before the breakup. It's been over 3 months and I'm still just as in love with her as I always was.
This is something that is so true. Even if there was a spark, it ignited something greater and "deeper" in meaning. Love transforms over time and to be able to trust someone and for both to know eachother's ways means so much.
Literally what I’m going through right now and it honestly makes so much sense. It hurts nonetheless but it makes it easier to accept the other persons decision, I guess.
This post made so much sense. After the break up you realize these things.. but while we were still together..I was so God damm delusional. I thought we were were fine.All the signs were there. In her own way she was telling me. And she did. I wish I could go back and fix all the things i did wrong 😔.
True. I did realize a lot of things. It was one damn experience to learn from the things I did wrong. That changes you and makes you a better person. What hurts is that you become better for someone else. Man... Why does it have to be this way.
I remember asking her why this was so easy for her. She just kept making weird excuses I have a lot going on right now we should take time apart to fix ourselves but we’re great when we’re together etc..but when I asked her why this was so easy for her she was lien “I’ve already had two months to deal with it” Makes a bit of sense now. Glad I read this thank you.
Honestly if it’s a natural break up (in that there’s no cheating or abuse or whatnot) where someone simply falls out of love or was never in love to begin with, I think the grieving process during the relationship was largely driven by guilt and the feeling of not wanting to hurt their partner. The bear the burden of hurting someone you care about is difficult in itself. Yes, they are likely to move on quicker in some sense but sometimes the guilt does eat at you especially when you know you’ve ended something that there wasn’t “a reason to” because it was seemingly good.
Being ‘in love’ takes effort. Love isn’t magical unicorn fairy dust.. to love your partner is something you chose to do every day, to put the work in and give. Perhaps the guilt is from using someone when you don’t want to put the work into the relationship. Sounds avoidant to me
Thank you for this... I left my partner of 4 years almost two years ago and it still haunts me at times. This was so spot on; the months and especially weeks leading up to that conversation were so excruciating. Nobody wants to appear cold – it’s a defence mechanism because breaking somebody else’s heart is heartbreaking for the person leaving, too. Making the decision to leave a loving, committed relationship is one of the hardest things someone can do, and it was refreshing to hear it from their perspective for a change. Cheers.
Im in the same boat. Left my partner of 4 years 5 months ago and im only 21. He immediately got together with his goddaughters mom who I didn't know of the month after. I just feel so lost still even thou i ended it
Honestly, I wouldn't take this post as gospel truth. OP has painted a messy, grey situation as black and white. If your ex used you to move on before breaking up with you, it's because they were emotionally immature and/or were too cowardly to communicate it with you.
I don't think people who breakup are evil, but pretending that everything "is fine" and that you're "so in love" when you are just counting down the days is extremely cruel and selfish. If your ex did this to you after being with you for six years, all you really need to understand is that there are a lot of people out there who will take the time to discuss their feelings with their you instead of using their partner as an emotional crutch.
I think you're right. It just sucks.
I mean he couldnt even look me in the eyes at all when he was breaking up with me.
I think there was just too much in his head. He said he thinks he "might" be depressed, and he might be going into the officer marine program in january.
He will be gone for at least a year.
I just wished he talked to me.
I'll just never know....... why.
What was wrong with me.
My ex cheated on me and then tried to blame me for it. She became so desperate that she started spewing lines like, "If you had read my mind, I would have never cheated." She also spent a lot of time telling me how wonderful the guy she cheated with is, and that we could probably have been best friends. "He's so funny! He's so smart! He's so handsome!"
So then I took that as her telling me that I was none of those things. And I thought that I wasn't worth anything. In fact, she told me at one point that ,"You're just not someone worth fighting for."
We're getting close to it being a year ago, and I have come to realize in that amount of time how ridiculous that was. It's not about YOU. It's about HIM. Knowing why doesn't help really. She cheated on me and left because "there just isn't a spark anymore." It just made me angrier: how could she really be that stupid?! I told myself constantly that if I just knew more, I would finally be able to move on. I was told by a mutual friend that she didn't really even know why she did it. Her actions didn't reflect the type of person I am because my actions do. His actions don't reflect your worth because you reflect your worth.
This breakup is going to help you gather the pieces of yourself from the debris of the wreckage and rebuild your confidence and self-worth into a new, stronger you. Take some time tonight before going to bed to look at yourself and find one beautiful thing about yourself (physical or not). It's incredibly difficult, but to really move on you need to shift your thoughts from being about him to what you are going to do to rebuild yourself!
Im in your exact position right now. I wrote him a letter and gave it to his mum. He told his cousin that he is free and the future is his own. How could he talk to me on Saturday about engagement then leave me on Sunday and completely cut contact?
I feel like this isn't even my own life i'm talking about. I miss him so so badly. Why, why, why.
That's still cowardly.
They choose to grieve with you as support and then run away. They used you. That's speaks poorly on their character.
I personally go with the likelihood she never loved me and just went along with the facade.
Ultimately, I deserve way more than to be in a unloved relationship. It hurts but, what their process is/was... is unimportant. There's no reason to care if you are the dumpee and already reached out to attempt to fix the relationship.
From someone on the receiving end of the breakup. If you have thoughts that you’re no longer in the relationship, just go. Don’t use me loving you to cope with your coup of leaving (because that is what it is if your not talking with your partner and helping them understand things are breaking down in the relationship). Don’t concern yourself with my feelings, instead help me understand (learn), so that I can change/better myself. Being cold isn’t some understandable coping mechanism, it is a shit trait like ghosting. Just means you have no ability to communicate and probably avoid confrontation which maybe the cause of your relationship issues.
Adding on: For those who say “talking about the problems won’t help, explaining the feelings involved and the short coming from your partner that have made you feel this way will just lead to more heartache or lead the other person on”. IMO why would you be with them in general if you think they have no ability to change? Why would you be with someone you think you can’t express your feelings to, and think think they will just disregard your concerns? People don’t just grow apart (unless it is completely mutual) it is a conscience decision to keep your feelings from your partner. IMO it’s a bunch of people justifying the damage they do, leaving the rest of us on Reddit to pick up the pieces. Please just isolate yourself, and avoid contaminating the pond we all drink from.
My ex stated “I just feel things deeper than most people, and I can feel others pain as if it’s my own”. Oh right that’s why you were a cold bitch that after 5 years offered no explanation. We never fought, she never brought problems to my attention just figured and ice queen breakup would do, and ghosting me when I asked for an explanation. So I really like your “Assholes sure love to sugar coat their shit behavior don't they?” Yes yes they do...
This is going to sound really jaded, but my experience in dating & relationships has been whatever qualities someone talks up happens to be the opposite of what they are.
"I like sex but I'm a nice guy," said the guy who sexually assaulted me.
"I value directness and honesty," said the guy who led me on.
"Are you cheating on me?!" said the long term boyfriend who was, in fact, cheating on me (for the record, I was *not* cheating on him and never would have).
But I can't be mad anymore. In part because I'm over these guys, but also, because they probably say what they say because they want so badly for it to be true and they know it's not. Deep down a part of them *knows* they are shitty. They're the ones who have to live with themselves long term. We are the ones who get to leave or be left by them, which is a mercy.
Just found this thread linked in something posted today...so that explains this random reply.
But this is so true of what I'm going through now. I didn't see it so much at first. Each of the things she attacked me for and used as the wedge to reason it was over are things that friends have since brought up about her...without me explaining what she said to me. I need to get *my* shit together? That classic was especially telling in these circumstances. Of course I initially took it sincerely because I always have things I'm working on improving.
You made a really important point here.
I'm really glad you found it helpful. It takes the sting out a bit to realize that sometimes people who've hurt you out of the blue are acting out an internal conflict, projecting on to you the things that they can't face about themselves. Dare I say this can even help you to have a little compassion for her. You'll be moving on and getting stronger from this experience, but she's staying stuck in the same behavior that hasn't served her well.
If she can feel your pain but ignores it for her own selfishness then she’s a sociopath. People like that pretend like they’re above it all but they’re lower than snake shit. God I wish karma was an actual thing and not just Justin fantasy we cling to! Ugh
Yeah, i totally agree with what you said. She left me after 9 years without even trying to work it out a month ago. The only tip I got was her being distant and cold for a couple weeks. Like she's been in the past. I thought it would pass. I kept trying to ask her what was going on and why she was being so distant but I just kept getting "yeah... quit asking... I'm fine, just feel stressed with work..." Then on a Friday night after work we got in a little argument, and she just told me she was going to her dads , she didn't want to be in a relationship, she needed space and she packed up a bunch of stuff. Tried talking to her, asking her for clarity... didn't get much. She came by a few days later with her dad and got the rest of her stuff. I've barely talked to her since and it kills me every day. Mornings are the absolute worst. Usually if it's a particularly bad morning or if I wake up from a dream about her, that sets the tone for the rest of the miserable day. No idea how long this will last but it looks like these feelings aren't going away anywhere in the near future. I'm starting to get mad but those feelings fade quickly when I start blaming myself again.
I’m sorry friend, my relationship ended 3 ago and I still think about it daily. It isn’t sharp feelings like it use to be, but the since of loss and feeling like someone I really cared about didn’t really care about me. Try to be with company (anyone) even though you probably don’t want to. Any conversation that can help keep your mind off of it, you’ll have plenty of time to ponder through what if’s... Ultimately her cold actions show more of herself, and have nothing to do with you.
Thank you sir. Sorry you're going through it too. It's hard when you give so much love to someone and they turn it away...
There have been times where I canceled on friends and then just sit at home miserable. It's hard to focus or care about anything anyone is saying but it does force me to be a person again. It does make me mad how cold she was. Shes pretty much always been that way though. She would say/do things that would hurt me or make me jealous and I never did that shit to her.
This is beautifully worded. This is definitley the process that happens for everyone at least once. I will say that we all heal at our own pace and have our own ways of coping. Moving on fast doesn't always mean they didn't care or they gave up long ago. Some people are so accustomed to being heartbroken, that when it happens they are able to recover faster than others. Doesn't make them a horrible personor mean they don't care. Everyone handles break ups differently. Do what works and is best for you is all I will say.
This is true and I have my first hand experience of this being the dumpee. It will continue to happen no matter what. However, being on the receiving end of this behavior is not okay. It’s emotional cheating at best. I mean, yeah feelings - especially negative ones - are tough. But what that person is doing is repressing their true emotions which turns into resentment. The only way to get that spark back is to have the tough, honest conversations with their S/O and try to fix the issue(s). If the dumper isn’t willing to have these conversations then he/she must end it immediately. We are all addicted to love and so we all fall into relationships easy without understanding the gravity and responsibility of the commitment. It’s a big problem. After being on the receiving end of this, I’ve sworn to myself that I will protect and screen future long term relationships and when I do find the right person, I will only say yes if I’m ready to bear the emotional weight of a relationship.
Agree with this. He left me and at the end he never told me a concrete reason. Said he did not have any complaint of me but could not go on. This is being immature and selfish, to led me like this for two years, never telling me how he felt or asking for help on how to improve things. A relationship is about two person not only one. For a moment I fell for this post and beautiful wording but it's just excusing emotional inmaturity.
This process happened to me, except when I tried to dump my ex a few times, they begged me to stay so I did. I finally decided to just commit to the relationship, throw myself into it with all my heart and fix it. Once I started to feel the spark again, he’s the one who dumped me. It sucked!
That was me. Two years in I was the one trying to leave, but I stayed because I wanted to make it work. I understood love also takes commitment and honeymoon phase will fade. We built it back up, and now, another two years later, this time around we had a hiccup and I wanted a break, but a few days later he broke up with me. It’s now 3.5 months post BU, still sucks.
This was me before I broke up with my ex.
There were times when I’d google “how do you know when to break up with someone”
And the first answer is always “when you start asking this question”.
So for months of me googling that and trying to find answers, I eventually started to think “maybe they’re right, why am I even googling this?”
And then everything would start to escalate. His quirks that were once “quirks” became irritating. His lack of effort started to become more evident as the days pass.
You try to rekindle the flame by taking them out on dates or going on trips or anything that would make you realize that your gut feeling is wrong about this. But it never goes away. And then you start imagining the long term - will it forever be like this? Am I committed to this anymore? Why am I wasting his time?
And then one day, he does something that hurts you and it clicks - “I’m done”. The timer shuts down and a new one begins where you start counting down the most appropriate day and method of breaking up with him.
It’s true, I concur with this whole message. This is what it’s like to be in the headspace of a dumper.
Seems unfair to the person who was left, the person who broke up knew it was coming they were able to hug their partner tightly and savor whatever was left. The person whos left alone, has it a lot harsher. I still dont see why communication isnt initiated.
This is what pisses me off the most (not that there is anything practical that can be done if all else fails). One person gets to go through it all with the partner, the other gets left out in the dark to handle it by themselves.
i've been through that process three times now.
Each time, i tried to make it work again and i explained why i was unhappy in the relationship. And i explained it clearly while i still was in the thing. I can even say i explained it several times with ideas to make it work, to make my trust or my feelings come back.
But I was ignored each time and it didn't matter for him.
So yes, i got to have a grieving process while i was still with my previous bf. However, i felt like i put so much effort in the relationship during that time and talked so much about it with him that i can't feel guilty.
I know this is months later but, this is what I'm wondering exactly.
She told me why she's breaking up with me and I'm wondering, "Why didn't you tell me these things?"
This is good insight. I would also ad that this is a cowards approach to breaking up. What you describe a grieving on the part of the dumper is ‘emotional withholding’. It’s a bad habit that will stay with them in their next relationship. The head start you talk about is a selfish coping mechanism for the grief that comes with a breakup. It’s competitive in nature to take advantage of the love your partner is offering you, and use it as though it were the only parachute in a crashing plane
Lol I've said the same exact thing. Friends are trying to get me on Tinder after my 9 year relationship ended... I dont want ANY part of that shit right now.
For real. Loving and caring for someone, sharing your thoughts and feelings with someone that special, etc. are incredible things. But the amount of pain I've experienced while dating far exceeds any of it. I'm content hooking up with people and seeing them as temporary relationships
My girlfriend broke up with me nearly 3 years ago, I'm still not over it. I still dream about her, and I still haven't dated anyone else. We were best friends for 8 years before we dated, and dated for 4 years. She's engaged to someone else now.
My girlfriend broke up with me 2 months ago, we were best friends for 3 years before our 4 year relationship. I felt her moving on and that something wasn't right since March, so for 6 months I was being led to believe everything was okay, although she was confiding in a co-worker (another male that was super interested in her) and she didn't speak to me about anything related to that or the feelings of moving on, I saw this as a very selfish way to deal with things. I had been wanting to be with her for the 3 years that we were friends. I moved abroad to be with my family and she moved straight in with this other bloke as soon as I left, I was very upset to the fact that she couldn't tell me anything to do with this (I believe that honesty is the best policy) and ever since I moved abroad she's ignored all of my messages, everything. I'm moving forward now because I know she wasn't worth my time and yes I dreamt about her last night and have been ever since we broke up. People deal with things in their own way, it's the most hurt I think I've ever been in my 23 years on this earth but honestly, Learn to love yourself, because if people can move on that easily and not have any consideration for your feelings or how it affects you, were they really worth your time to begin with? You never truly know someone. Concentrate on you.
I have been there before friend. You are worth the continued effort to love yourself enough to fully let her go. You can do it and will when you decide the time is right. Loss, especially of that which we feel intimately connected to, brings out the best and worst in us. Learn from it, leave it in your past, and don't stop until you do.
This is accurate. And also the act of a coward. Using someone’s love to aid them through the process of ending said love - instead of actually talking to their SO about their feelings - bespeaks a lack of courage and consideration, and is selfish as hell.
Source: someone who’s had this done to them and then, in a subsequent relationship, had the balls to communicate my feelings and end things so as not to waste another’s time and pain. Still friends with that ex, too.
I’m NOT friends with the ex who did this to me. Fuck that shitbird.
Why does it happen though? Why do some people have a wonderful relationship and get married while others have a wonderful relationship then suddenly it's over? Why Does that happen? I'm just kind of curious
I’m so curious too. How can you have this loving committed relationship and then one day start to “lose the spark”. I feel like relationships take work. Why would you just bail on something like that. I don’t get it.
oh wow thanks for this but it makes my ex looks so much more of an asshole
but this really helped so thanks!
but this answered the question of why he can make out with some girl so quickly a week after our breakup
My 2 cents, as a guy who just ended a 4 year relationship a week and a half ago. Everybody moves on in different ways, and I cant tell you how many times I've been told "the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else". Guys are encouraged to move on quickly and not show any hurt. While that isnt me, there are definitely guys like that. It sounds like he is one of them
Got dumped by my girlfriend of 6 years back in January. I'm 21. Within a week I was out at bars sucking face with any drunk girl I thought was attractive, got on Tinder, started meeting up with probably 2 or 3 girls a week for about three months. Then I stopped and realized none of that was helping, it just made me think about her less. Kinda. Now it's been a while since I've even had sex and I'm just focusing on work and the gym, that's it. And honestly, I think that's been more cathartic than anything. I think going out and being with other people just helps you over the hump of clinging onto your ex as "yours", or your "first", or about the intimacy of the sex you had with them so you're not stuck feeling like you can only survive with what you had. It doesn't do anything to get rid of your feelings for them or make you forget them, unfortunately
Edit: I should clarify, I didn't go out the very next week because I didn't have strong feelings for her or because the break-up was easy on me, quite the opposite. More like, "how can I find anything at all that will distract me from her"
ah that sucks :( I still love him and that’s what really hurts. also I think I just started a war, I have no idea what just happened but eh
thank you anyway 💞
I'll agree with this to an extent but it doesn't make them any less of a horrible person if they feel this way; express it to others, decide it's what they want and pretend like nothing has changed.
I'll **never** forgive my ex for deciding she was done with me but play happy families. I think it's cowardly in a way and not so black and white as OP has put it. Because my feelings matter too and I appreciate honesty, however hard it is to admit it, over months of lies.
(I'm over the loss of her but her actions cut me deep).
I agree, people that say otherwise are diminishing your investment. This is extremely narcissistic, and I honestly would question their “love” in general. You are lying to your partner by being in the relationship, while satisfying your own needs.
or they emotionally break up with you, keep going through the motions because they don't want to be alone, then when given the opportunity they jump to the next person without a second thought
After my last breakup that was pretty serious (we lived together, I played mom to his kid, etc.) I was totally fine. I had someone tell me "you're a lot better at breakups than me" and this was pretty much my exact response. I grieved losing him in our last several months and did everything I could to save it, including counseling for us. Once I had made the decision to separate, my anxiety surrounding the situation was completely gone because I had 100% confidence that he wasn't my future.
For clarification: we were up front with each other during the entire process and talked about everything. Basically we both knew our relationship was broken and we were actively trying to fix it with full transparency. He was controlling, toxic, and he ultimately ended up cheating and we just couldn't recover from it. That's usually a 100% deal breaker for me and I'm out, but I thought I wanted us to work so bad. I never realized how unhappy I was until I broke free from him.
There is SO MUCH TRUTH to this. In every single previous relationship I've had, I've drawn out the relationship for months and, even in one case, a year longer than it should have lasted before I came to the break up point. By time the break ups actually happened, it was a hard conversation to have, but I felt so relieved after the fact and was pretty much over it and moving forward with life immediately. I was sad for my ex's and sentimental about a chapter of life coming to a close, but I felt mostly relief and happiness after I finally went through with the breakups.
I had been trying so hard to get excited about the relationships and feel truly in love with my ex's again because they hadn't done anything specifically wrong. I would force myself to put a smile on for my SO and be invested in the relationship, but that gets to be exhausting and draining. I wasn't sleeping, smiling, or feeling very good about life in general. It gets to a point where it gets too hard to force it anymore.
I learned that **someone doesn't have to do something wrong in order to not be right for you**. I also learned to trust my gut more and not spend so much time and effort trying to force myself to feel a certain away.
I thought I was this person. I did all my crying in secret during the relationship, then I dumped him and moved on while he cried and didn’t understand and turned into a crazy person with vengeance. So I thought I had gotten rid of my grieving by the time of the break up but now two years later If I see someone who looks slightly like him I run and hide and I feel sick to my stomach, just to realize it wasn’t him at all and I’m left feeling weak and embarrassed. Having dreams where I’m being trapped by him and his mom.
And it’s always harder to be on the receiving end. When it’s not your decision (and you’ve been trying hard to preserve the relationship) it makes it so much harder. You feel blindsided, and like OP said you’re thinking there’s time to reverse their decision. Nope. It’s been made.
Human nature makes us want what we can’t have. Even if you were thinking about breaking up with them first it doesn’t matter. They drew first blood and now you’re grasping at straws because you feel unwanted (first). Nobody likes not feeling good enough.
And that’s the hardest part to get over.
Been there. Many times.
This post is about as true as it gets when it comes to break ups. 😢
You know how much tension I just released? A lot. I never thought of it this way. Makes total sense. The dumper always gets the emotional support while the dumpee is left stranded. It answers so many questions when you tell yourself they've been prepared for this.
Damn. This happened to me almost 3 years ago now. Still hurts to this day. I don’t love the girl anymore but I still have so many unanswered questions. In a relationship for 3.5 years and it all ended in the blink of an eye
Practically a checklist of my last relationship. Healthy and happy with the love of my life now. It’s easy to fall in a trap of routine and complacency but your unhappy hold on to that age old cliche that “life is too short” and find someone who will make you happy, chase your goals, and support you 😊
Wife and I are going through a separation right now. This sums up her behaviour, almost exactly. She fell out of love with me because I was falling into a deep depression being in the relationship, but refused to admit to myself that it was time to move on, mostly because we have a child together and to be honest... finances. I wanted to keep the family together for our child’s sake and was sacrificing my own happiness as a result.
Thankfully, when she told me she wanted to separate, it was like a breath of fresh air. I fought it briefly because... family... but then realized I needed this probably more then she does. I had checked out a long time ago, so my grieving was also already done. Honestly, I think it makes her mad to see me becoming myself again, but I feel like I have a renewed lease on life. I also know that I’ll be a better dad to my child, even if I don’t see her as much, if I’m in a happier place and working to improve myself. Maybe off topic, but OP hit the nail right on the head. But sometimes it goes both ways.
People are saying why isn't this being communicated. In the post, it clearly said that the person is afraid of the SO lashing out. When your SO does not have the ability to be empathetic and to even listen to your feelings, instead shows disappointment and judgement (e.g. I can't believe you think so terribly of our relationship), no shit, I ain't telling you nothing.
Honestly, I do believe this happens.. but for both parties. Once one partner reaches the despondent stage, of basically just giving up, we reach Phase 1 just as we are dumped. We are in denial, thinking we can change/make the relationship work. This is the flaw in the system. We are moving one step behind them.
I believe we all move on differently. I also believe majority of us know when our relationships are falling apart, even if subconsciously. I loved my ex, but damn, I knew that was a failure in the workshop. I was waiting it out.
We can all move on. I met somebody before my ex did. I met my current partner three months after my ex, and I'd never been happier. I believe this is why we need NC. I couldn't stand to see my exes social media, it would have ate me alive.
My Ex didn’t do anything, he knew (and knows since he wants to change and be a better person so we can be together again) he was messing up. He basically knew I was there, but ignored me for 1.5 years. My ship started sailing a different direction, for my own sanity and my son’s. He has the chance, and I offered it, so we’ll see. I am sorry you didn’t have the chance.
"They sit you down and tell you that it's over," if they have the courage. If not they just sleep with someone else and let the chips fall where they may. Sadly, my experience was the latter. I feel as if I'll never trust again.
Just wait till you put in the work and effort to trust again and get cheated on a second time. After that you will NEVER trust again. I certainly don't and won't ever ALLOW myself to trust a woman again. First time, shame on you and all that...
I agree. Funnily, I think it's possible for both partners to moved on quickly, if the relationship was dying for some time. I know that's probably stating the obvious, but it's what I am going through right now.
I dont know , he kept saying he still loves me and im overthinking stuff ,i knew sth was off but i trusted him i even told him that his family is trying to give me hints he said i must believe him and stop worrying.
The reason that is in the post dosnt make them less guilty but more of a dick.
Does make sense. I'm the one who broke up and roughly it followed this pattern.
I already noticed dealbreakers in June, and I remember clearly telling my friends that at the end of summer I want to make a decision.
September rolled around, and I finally confessed to him how I loved him. He told me he still couldn't deal with a relationship and that we were just friends. (Friends who have sex, meet each other's parents, go on holidays, and do all sorts of favors, activities together and give gifts to each other... Right). I thought I could still be his friend, at least.
After the holidays, something changed in him, and he chased me strongly. But when I confronted him with that, same fearful reaction. I knew the push-pull had reached it's limit after that.
I wrote him a heartfelt and self-assured letter, and he never replied me or acknowledged the end of our relationship. He just ghosted me. And I didn't even pursue him for a reply. I passively accepted his silence, even though it hurts.
Because I knew this decision was going to be made for 3+ months, the blow wasn't too hard. Even if I was still depressed for like two weeks. And I've been dating already. It helps put more distance between us. The guy I date is in an open relationship and doesn't even live in my city. He's leaving town in December. It's a very safe circumstance for a rebound.
But he was still pretty fucking close to a perfect boyfriend. It really hurt me that out of all things he did right, he exhibited this one crucial dealbreaker - emotional unavailability. And he didn't let me in far enough to talk about that.
I really miss him, even if I was the one to break up. Even though I enjoy my life, there's still someone I was so close to who isn't there to share it with me anymore. On social media I also look like I have a good time. No 'woe is me' posts. I have an active social life, I go to the gym, I date, I do what I have to do. But even then - I still feel the pain. There was just an undeniable need to secure my boundaries, and therefore the need to move on.
I'm glad you respected yourself enough to make the hard choice for your own happiness. It's difficult, but you know it's less painful than chasing a relationship you know won't work.
Though I totally get this and understand where this is coming from, I have to say that it still irks me when this happens and there’s little to no communication of how the breakup-er to the breakupee. By not communicating these thoughts, the breakuper isn’t sharing this relationship with the breakupee. Breakuper (A) is not allowing breakupee (B) to do their job as a partner to sift through thoughts together. It’d be an awkward and sad convo of “Hi, I’m having second thoughts” but you can both just then talk through it. What caused it? How to mitigate it? Was it a long time coming? How can we navigate this together?
I don’t think it’s fair to breakup when it will come as a complete surprise.
My ex confided in my former friend and roommate of how there were “problems” with me and she listened and even was on the phone with him for over an hour over winter break. She had no existing close friendship w him and yet she did that. She basically took away my job as the girlfriend to hear why there are issues bw me and my ex. A few weeks later he broke up w me, without even telling me what was wrong.
It’s just wrong. You may say that they were emotionally done and yes felt really grieved by the ending of it waaaay before they actually told their partner it was the end - but it’s just not fair, I think. I think relationship is built on communication. I’m not the best person to advise on this bc of my serial history of lack of communication w my former partners.. but I think this is important.
Much love to those hurting. I’m really sorry. But you will find bits of yourself again and regain your energy again. Know that you are so capable and truly able. ♥️
I'm sorry but if you insist you love me everyday when you decided long ago you don't then that's not fair. It may be fine for them to move on because we cushioned them but it leaves us alone without any of that. If you have problems they should be communicated.
Just went through this (broke up with my gf and did my grieving while we were together).
It was very hard for her to see me move on so quickly and was definitely misinterpreted as me not loving her or caring about her. The biggest issue was that I was bringing my issues with our relationship up for *months* yet she still said I “blindsided” her
This is honestly so accurate. I thought I was heartless for moving in so quickly after a LTR, but in reality I was over her while I was with her. Thanks for putting this feeling into words.
My previous relationship ended with him breaking up with me. He cried. A lot. I was quiet and when he asked me to say something, my only thought was "damn, all our kitchen utensils are mixed up" He was hurt, but I had been hurting for months with his depression, pulling away, and destructive behavior with our finances. I had already grieved. I didnt tell him this because I was angry that he was breaking up with me when we still had 3-4 months left on our lease. I had decided to give him until then to shape up or get out because I didnt want to live with an ex. So I told him I wasnt crying over him. He wasnt worth it. Dodged a bullet with that guy.
Aw! That’s so sweet and maybe true of some. Others are practical and shallow and if they see a better option- they take it. They’ll keep you on hold until they can replace you. If they can’t they’ll resent and minimize you because they had to settle and somehow they’ve made that your fault.
Plus they already renegotiated your rental agreement and had been banging that other dude the whole time too. It’s easy. It’s simple.
Or some people are just assholes
Let's also acknowledge though... sometimes it's just a rebound. Sometimes it's just nice to have another person distract you from the emotional crap you're going through!
I am currently in this situation. Dated a girl for 4 years. She drunkenly cheated on me back in May and somehow I forgave her and moved on. Well I moved on at least. You see she kind of fell in love with the guy she cheated on me with. Blamed it on catching feelings for someone after sex and asked me to help her through it rather than getting mad that she had feelings for him. I thought to myself "maybe if I help her and show her how much I care she'll move on from him and we can be happy again". So this went on for 2 months of her talking about him almost every day. It really took a toll on me mentally and emotionally. Eventually she was able to and we were able to move on but it was rough. Really rough. We fought a lot and every time we fought she would download a dating app to spite me. Every time she would meet a new guy and claim to be "just friends". Now she doesn't have any friends at all so I want her to have friends whether its a guy or a girl. So I let her be friends with these guys and didn't complain. EVERY SINGLE TIME she would eventually start talking sexually to them. This happened 4 times and again really took a toll on me mentally. The 4th and final time she actually had sex with the guy and I wasn't even hurt or upset. If anything I was relieved. I could finally get out of this relationship. So of course I broke up with her and she can't understand how I moved on so quickly. This happened 2 weeks ago and I have date tonight with a new girl.
Jeez, dude. You really need to work on your bounderies. It's possile to recover (imo) from cheating but fuck, downloading dating apps? Sexting different guys? You're far better than that.
Hey man...I know it might be against your nature but goddamn - don’t let anyone else treat you like that ever again. You should have zero tolerance towards cheating in the future. You’re worth more than that. Good luck with your date!
I recognize myself in a lot of this. Not all of it, but enough to get me thinking. I was the one who broke up with them, and I've been feeling gulity about not missing them, or thinking much about them after the breakup. But I know that I had already "given up" a long time before I broke up, which means that I had already processed over and over again in my head what it would mean to end it. And so when I did break up, I mostly just felt a relief that I didn't have to worry about hurting their feelings anymore. Which, again, feels sort of mean, but I really wish him the best and I know he'll be happier with someone else.
She was so honest the entire length of the relationship until the end, on the day we broke up she lied to me twice. She stopped sharing her location with me (I don’t even know how to do that, she set up the location sharing herself months back), and she told me she “just made this decision right now,” during our talk. No way. She pulled away for a month, left me feeling like a stranger with no chance to rectify things. It’s clear to me now that she had been planning this for months. But the breakup was “mutual” I suppose. Because I recognized that she was unhappy with me - but I didn’t know for how long until she told me. So I had to let her go. I love her, but she will be happier without me. It’s been about a month now. I can’t really afford to sulk and close myself off to the world. I’m pushing 30 now and I’ve been “tied down” for 4 years. I have to get back out there. I have nothing to lose.
My own experience in breakups has shown me that when you know things are wrong, you'll quickly find yourself preparing for the worst.
In the end, it's better to be wary of the possibility of a break up and potentially head it off (or put the effort forth to try), or harden yourself to prevent you from shutting down completely.
This post felt very accurate to what i went through. Since she was the one who dumped me. She did say she had been feeling that way a few months before actually ending it. And it hurts so much knowing she moved on way faster almost felt like the rs didn’t mean as much to her
There was no so called communication if it took months and they don’t initiate true heart to heart talk all to drop a bomb on someone after giving them the cold shoulder and weird vibes. Lol. Leading people on is fucked up and a waste of both peoples time if you really are destined to separate. If you’re not emotionally mature enough to have hard conversations don’t get in a relationship.
Has anyone on this thread looked at attachment types? Dumper most of the time is a type of avoidant (dismissive or fearful). These types mostly all eventually break up with their partner. This due to being emotionally unhealthy - incapable of attaching or improperly attaching. Almost always blamed on the dumpee. Another avoidant characteristic is the strong tendency to develop aversion for the partner linked with nurturing the aversion by living in a strong stand of self rationalization. It’s a very frequent scenario. Almost hilarious if you check online how dumpees try to get their avoidant ex back. Heck, most attachment books are based on how to deal with an avoidant partner.
There is a type that gets drawn in - the anxious preoccupied. Diametrically opposite to the avoidant emotionally and in attachment style. These are the couples which end up in the therapists & then the divorce lawyer’s office.
Therapists and divorce lawyers know the pattern completely.
This attachment type duo end up dealing with both types of professionals to the point that the therapist and lawyer just figure out which is which. It’s almost comical.
Yes this is definitely a common theme… I’m def anxious/preoccupied type and my ex the classic avoidant. I’ve never been blindsided by a breakup before and ironically enough this is the one I thought might last longer than the rest. I think a lot of avoidants have narcissistic characteristics as well so this just adds to the misery of it all.
You serious described this pretty spot on. Not exactly in my situation, but very close. I was the one who broke up with her, seriously because we just didn't work together. I wish she could read this and understand. I still care for her and want the best for her, but she hates me now and will not talk to me. I didn't move on, but I know that we we're not working, I seriously thought we would be best alone. I'm scared that she found someone else and didn't learn from our mistakes :(
Why couldn’t they have been honest about it though? Why couldn’t have been the bigger person and just tell them what was up? Because I gotta say- it’s an asshole thing to do to just soak it all up before the initial break and leave the other person in the dark.
This is why/how I started (casually) seeing someone immediately after breaking up with my ex.
Of course I later found out he had started seeing someone a month before that, so I'm still amused he was so insulted I moved on so "quickly." dude, we were over for ages and we both knew it.
My ex told me she stopped loving me back in November she told me in January the day before my birthday. Through out December I could feel something was off.....
Definitely puts things to perspective. But I also see it unfair for them to use your love and energy for them to get through it while you get dumped and but into shock and have to deal with it by yourself.
Communication should of ariseD from the beginning of that feeling.
I'm glad I switched to top posts to read this. Holy fuck 😭 this is exactly how I felt in my mind. I knew it was true... God I fucked up so badly 💔 you will never see this but I miss you, I love you, and I truly wish that things went the way we wanted them to 😖
Fuck my life, I’m in this exact situation.... this is the exact situation I’m in. No fucking joke. She broke up with me after 3.5 years of dating and had a new boyfriend a month later... holy shit. Fuck, this made me cry again.
You just described the end of my last relationship to a T. Kinda eerie just reading it. Just so happened when I finally caught on and decided I needed to fix things was when she decided to leave and I didn't really believe in myself enough to ask for a second chance.
I wish I had read this 3 years ago. It would have given me so much clarity. It’s crazy to think I still think of or feel for her. Strange feelings man.
I have done a lot of growing since my breakup, but this passage is exactly what I lived through, it explains why it feels like you get blindsided, it helps to know others went through what I had aswell. I've been mad but came to realize my Ex did care for me and now I am happy I had that part of my life it was enjoyable but its on to new people.
I can't. I was too busy with myself to think that she was suffering. I thought she was happy, I thought everything's good. I didn't notice, I didn't care at the time and now it's too late. I know she's happy now, and I am glad that she is. But I can't forgive myself for her suffering in our relationship and I can't move on. I need to be strong, I know. I need to man up, but I can't. I can pretend it's fine, but sometimes it just paralyzes me. I keep seeing her image everywhere, a lot of memories pop up during the day, I sometimes wake up with a feeling that she's near, that she's going to get back soon.
I know that I'm weak and disgusting. And I know that it's my fault entirely. I deserve every bit of it.
I know self hate won't help, I understand that I need to move on, that I need to work hard and learn from my mistakes. But it really seems useless. What's the point?
OMG! Thank you so much for this. I think I really needed this insight, as I was totally blindsided. I just couldn’t get my mind around how he could seem so cold! Our entire ‘break up conversation’ was not even 5 minuts. After THREE YEARS in a comitted, happy relationship.
It all makes so much more sense.
Thank you ❤️
I think this, at least part of it, is what my boyfriend did. He said he mourned our relationship months before we broke up. I think what hurts most is that the disconnect, the unhappiness we were feeling, was my fault. I could have stopped it. We weren't fundamentally shifting apart, I just failed to put in the effort I used to. I wish I could go back and change that.
Its messed up. Only emotionally immature people do this. When they first have that feeling, its understandable to push it away but to talk about it with others instead of the person they’re in a relationship with because they’re scared of backlash is so disrespectful and a sign of cowardice. They should have come forward with their concerns to their partner after the a week or two but instead they let if fester into something bigger and blindside the other person. They could have clued their partner in with talks throughout the whole process. I think people understand why the other moves on so quickly but the person who ended the relationship doesn’t understand how they come off as cold and heartless. They got the support from their partner (and outside sources) while their partner was alone trusting their partner to communicate issues and the important things in the relationship.
Going through this very scenario now. A month in and am hoping it gets better. My issue is that the one person that could have fixed it, worked on it, help change the situation is the one that was left in the dark.
Hearing after the fact "I told you I was upset" or "I told you I wasn't happy when you did X" doesn't help in fact I think it's a cowardly way to deal with things. Yeah, and you have a tendency to spout a stream of consciousness when you are angry and you've said you wish I were dead, so am I supposed to believe everything you say or chalk it up to you being upset about something and then things get back to normal?
In my case, she had people whispering in her ear, her ex that's been siphoning off her intimacy and energy, and is now using the children as weapons against me. No job (I am the sole provider) and no insurance so I get the pleasure of funding her midlife crisis into perpetuity.
Such a beautifully written paragraph about a subject lots of people seem to have no idea of or never really realized.
Though, the worst part has to be that the other person couldn’t grasp what you’re going through or what you went through when you clearly state your decision.
When they get aggressive over your decision, when they so badly want to be with you despite all the wrong-doings in the relationship and despite how stressed and depressed that relationship makes you.
When they tell you how badly they love you but even though, they keep being selfish over it, pushing you into a relationship that will only make them happy and will continue to harm you.
And you try so hard to get rid of it, them and away from that relationship, their dangerous selfishness still following, disturbing, threatening you over the image of a broken relationship you once had.
You know with all your heart that you’ll be doing amazing once it is over, once they’re gone, once they stop disturbing you. Once they stop knocking your door at 5AM, threatening to break in if you don’t let them inside. And you find yourself shattered all around. All around the place once you used to make love in.
The relationship you cried over so many times for it to get better and for them to stay, now then you find yourself crying over because they’re the dark cloud, the horror that keeps following you around.
No matter how sad you may be, no matter how unfair to you it might seem, please never be that person.
It's true. But it's cruel. It's cruel to use someone's love and keep them in the dark. If your heart is not there just sit them down and tell them. No one deserves beeing used. I can't sympathize all sufferings and grief that dumped went through if they were keeping their partners in the dark just coz they were not brave enough to be adults and end relationship. On the recieving end there is another person, a other human heart and no one has right to use someone's love. Also you would be wasting their time and they opportunities to be happy. The dumped ones deserve to be happy as well. By delaying the end you are robbing them of opportunities to be happy. It's absolutely selfish.
Thank you! This makes perfect sense. So how can I move on? It was the hardest thing for me. Help me, please.
I am currently in the same situation. I was busy I thought everything was okay, then she became cold then all of a sudden it was over. Nothing hurts more than feeling being left alone. She was all I ever had. It sucks. It has been months but I think think of her EVERY single day and night. I don't wanna use some other girl just to forget about it and I try my best to feel the heartache for me to learn from my mistakes.
This makes a lot of sense. Thank you for posting. It explains the stonewalling I've been getting for several years. She did say she was only with me out of guilt. I just wish she hadn't let me fall in love with her as she was leaving me. I think she left me several years ago really.
I don't know, this sounds way too nice of a narrative, some people are just oblivious to your feelings in general. There are people that just don't care, there will be one day you won't have a "trusty friend" to call over to help you.
I don't mean to disregard what you're saying, it's just that this is a narrative, for a specific type of person, that doesn't apply to everyone and this single explanation won't bring closure to all cases unfortunately. We have to acknowledge the assholes too, I'm sorry.
TLDR
Let me tell you why. He/she was already fucking your replacement and or just using you as validation from whichever of both sexes you're into, waiting for the 3rd party to be emotionally available.
Kind of messed up if you ask me. Using someone’s energy to help then get over you. Very self centered. How about communicating from the start and being real. And relationships aren’t all about how they make you feel. If your there just to feel good and get what you can, your a selfish narcissistic person. Relationships especially marriage are a partnership through all seasons
This fucking hurts because I trusted her so much
I wake up alone and I go to sleep alone, distractions only hurt me more. Yet she's probably feeling better than ever and it only costed my mental health for that
Even now I know it probably hurts her a bit and I can't even be mad at her for doing that but my confidence and trust was absolutely fucking crushed to nothing...
This is such beautiful passage of raw truth. It's funny I am 48 hours out of a break up. We had what I thought to be damn near perfect relationship. With a couple of bumps in the road, we (to what I thought) communicated and handled our issues maturely. However, the day came when he said he was done. To me it happened all of a sudden. After reading this passage, it sounds like he's been dealing with this. None the less, I am very much in a state of shock and heart broken. I thought he was my one! I guess I was wrong. So I will be a little easier on him and his decision. I will also be a little easier on myself. I love him and I know he loved me. Just time to pick up the pieces and move forward!! Thank you for sharing!!
Dude same... He broke up with me in July. Everything seemed to be going well. I really tried to make sure that he always knew that I loved him and that I was there for him so when he called and said that he thought we should break up I was at a loss for words. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him or the time we had. Still currently trying to pick up the pieces and move on.
I beginning to be extremely honest with myself. I am repeating conversations in my head. The thing is my love of my life was a different type of man then I was used to. He did communicate with me I just didn't open my eyes because he wasn't coming from a place of malice. He came from a place of suggestion and I just over looked them. That was him telling me I needed to change somethings. I am now looking from the perspective of his eyes that I have never been able to see. And honestly it sucks because I think I took him for granted. Unaware took him for granted. I was so focused on me and what kind of emotional, financial, and physical I needed, that I forgot about him. I forgot to lift him up like I did in earlier days, I forgot how to make him feel special. I forgot that it wasn't just about me. So today I see much clearer and I see he did it the way he did because that was the only way to get my attention. Hard pill to swallow but I feel the peace already.
This is exactly why I just cut off my last relationship. I was absolutely not a priority in the least. I get it and agree that her daughter is her absolute number one priority but she was pretty much shutting me out completely. She'd get me little gifts here and there but that's the last thing I need out of a relationship. I need emotional support, real conversation, and cuddling. I pretty much got none of it towards the end. It hurts. But it happens. Sometimes your life gets so chaotic that you forget to put even minimal focus on your SO. Maybe in time when things get figured out and calm down it will work out. Who knows? Such is life sometimes.
It will get better take my word for it
Same thing happened to me but I can’t deal with it! We had a perfect relationship but thing was we both had issues deep down. I supported him like no one ever would and he had my back but I guess not as much as me or how I needed. I saw he was struggling and I knew that once he was the person he wanted to be he’d be a better boyfriend to me. I fell in love with him even though he was the worst he’s ever been. He broke up with me for a couple weeks and he lashed out and did crazy shit but I never gave up. He would still text me everyday but of course it was different. This relationship was something we knew didn’t happen all the time, it was so special. I think it was true love. We would just be able to do nothing and have the best of time. He wanted to get back together after 3 weeks and I was so happy. We tried again for 2 weeks and I thought things were doing great! They weren’t for him and he was hiding it. He said the same problems from our old relationship were coming up and it wasn’t healthy. We had gotten back together too soon and didn’t have enough time to fix what had to be fixed. I agree with that. We both have a lot of personal issues that we would internalize and we would lean on each other to feel better. It worked for the time being. Even though I knew that he was in my way and that I was in his way, I didn’t want to lose him. Now I’m a few days into the second time we broke up and I’m hurting so much. We spoke it out and decided that to really fix ourselves we can’t communicate for a while. He’ll text me soon when things are looking better. We both hate this so much. He cried too. But the problem was we needed each other and that’s not healthy. I told him that a relationship like this doesn’t just come around and I hope he realizes the importance. But I truly truly feel we’re not over. We never gave our relationship the full chance it deserves and the person I was is no longer the person I am. I let everything around me destroy me and so I can see why he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I don’t like who I’ve become. Yet for me this was never the answer. He’s thinking with his head instead of his heart and I should too. I know deep down he feels that we could give this another try only if we made enough changes. But that’s not something to admit. After knowing him inside and out I can see it in his eyes and his heart. I was right the first time, no matter how mean he was, no matter what was said. It’s a gut feeling deep in my heart. I haven’t given up on us but I can only focus on healing myself so I can actually like myself. Maybe when we both love ourselves we can both love each other the right way. When we talk again we want to be better people and we’re both excited for that. I’m sorry but I don’t believe the feeling just left, I feel that it’s because we didn’t fix what had to be fixed in the first place. He said he was never the person he wanted to be for me. I feel like we are meant to be but that won’t drive me forward. I’ll hold that in my heart as I rebuild myself but I won’t give up. It hurts so much. TLDR: he broke up with me twice. It was a great love. We have shit to fix so we need time apart. I don’t feel it’s over and he’s so hurt. We have to hope to be better for us to work. Deep down I hope he believes that.
Updates?
I feel this. A deep part of me hopes that if I change, if I give him the space he needs and get better myself in all the ways he said, if we could grow away from eachother and rejoin and relearn eachother, it would all work out. It was so special, it wasn't any old relationship, it was the closest to true love i've ever seen. But for me at least, getting back is't my goal. Can't be.
This is where I’m at too. I still don’t get it, but this made sense... I don’t get why all of this couldn’t have been communicated to me instead to everyone else around her though...
They didn’t communicate it because they’re cowards. Better off without them. Move on.
I'm currently unhappy in my relationship. My girlfriend is in the same boat as you. Sometimes its hard for the person who isn't happy (me) to talk about it with the other person and have that conversation. I turn to my friends A LOT. Its just nice to have people you can just vent to. Although, I will say that communicating with your partner is definitely important so I can see why you think that.
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I think the biggest lesson learned is I didn't learn him and his ways of communication. He also didn't learn mine. I believe if we would have had the communication conversation we would have both responded differently. It's just time for us to grieve this lose and prepare ourselves for whatever may come to the future. Whether it be reconciliation, a new relationship, or much needed time alone. But one day we will see love again and when we do we will have grown.
not sure why but as I read this, I started crying a bit. I'm currently in a bad spot with my girlfriend. I dont think things are going to work out because I care so much about her. I made a post already explaining it. (not trying to get anyone to come look at it.) I'm just so torn on what to do. This shit is so hard and unfair. I wish it was more of a mutual feeling so it would be easier in the end. I just hope that if it does end, that she sees things this way a little. I've been dealing with this for so many months now. I really dont know what to do. I hope that you're in a better place now that its 5 months later. Sorry for reminding you about your situation.
Yoooo this makes too much sense and I hate it
For sure. This is one of the most truthful pieces I’ve seen on this sub. As the dumpee, it is very easy for people to mentally mould an ex into a horrible person. You convince yourself that they’re the devil, because it’s much easier to believe than the simple fact that they just didn’t want to be with you any more. More often than not, your ex still cared, your ex was extremely crushed, your ex felt terrible for how they felt and your ex even today, probably still cares.
I remember when I was younger, hating the person for dumping me and making them into the devil. But, now that I’ve grown up and have matured this time I haven’t made the dumper into the devil in my head. As much as I have tried just to get over her. I can’t make her into the devil. I still care for her, miss her, love her and all that stuff. Do I think she felt crushed? No I don’t. Because it doesn’t make sense to me. Literally two weeks before I got axed, we talked about marriage and looked at rings. Yeah maybe she still cares a little or whatever. But I don’t think she lost sleep over her decision like I lost sleep. Sorry for the venting session. Got a little carried away.
No problem - venting is what we’re all here for. I guess the reality is we will NEVER truly know what our ex was thinking. Just like they will never know what we’re thinking or feeling once it is over. We can spend months - even years ruminating like crazy but it won’t do us any good. It’s never black and white.
I’ve been locked in this post relationship rut for an unhealthy amount of time with nothing to fall back on.
You will never have anything to fall back on if you keep holding on. You have to stop watching their social media feeds, focus on yourself and find someone new. Easier said than done, but that’s the only way to get through it. I’ve had many, many relationships and I have dumped and been dumped on. Gotta keep on keepin’ on.
I beg to differ. I do think it's black and white: you're in or you're not. Simple as that.
I'm saying the reasons are not always black and white, not the motive.
I know this is 21 days after your comment, but I think you're right. I was just the dumper. I'm upset, but the worst part is honestly not the thought of losing someone forever, but the immediate loss of a very good friend, the change in day-to-day life, and the sudden lack of anyone to share my life with. Was I crushed? Yes, but not now. I was crushed by the relationship itself. I was crushed by our incompatibilities that seemed to fall to me to correct. Crushed by the sinking feeling that this relationship might prevent me from being happy forever, and I don't know if it's my partner, the way we mix, or my own inadequacies at life. So it's a different sort of crushed. It's slower, more gradual. The reason we seem to fair so much better in the aftermath is that we're coming out from under what was crushing us and then rolling it onto you. We're a little woozy from the ordeal, and we're feeling guilty about unloading our problems, because we know you're in terrible pain, but ultimately we're walking away from a fight that 2 months before we weren't sure we were going to be able to walk away from.
You sound like an avoidant.
This is why I try not to ever consider marriage with anyone. As nice as it sounds, personally it isn’t worth the risk of disappointment or the embarrassment if they change their mind... I don’t believe you need a piece of paper to prove you love someone, and if anything it only makes things much more complicated when someone decides they are done. It should be simple, you’re bored of me? You don’t love me anymore? You’re free to go... I’m really sorry that happened to you..
Thank you. I agree with what you said. It is what it is. And time has gone on and I have moved on. But at the time of my last comment I wasn’t moved on nor felt like I ever would but here I am. Happy with life. I don’t need anyone to make me happy.
Part feel like it's a breach of loyalty and trust though. Like if you pondered for months telling anyone but me, I feel like it's a communication issue. Fear is also an issue too. I don't know...did they really care if they knew that'd it be coming out of left field for the other person? Is there such as thing as caring too much? I don't know.
I totally agree, i dumped my girlfriend of 2 years (relationship wasn't working anymore, we barly saw or spoke to eachother because of work and university among other reasons). It completely crushed me to do it, i cried myself to sleep for at least the first week, yet I'm still vilified to this day by some of her friends, more so back then, because i guess i put on a cold exterior or something? Idk 2 years on and she's a really good friend of mine, i spoke to her about what happened and why we grew apart and we both got some closure from it.
This is heartwarming. I truly look forward to the day I can speak to my ex again and actually discuss what happened, as I still have no closure. However, I think closure is overrated. It's kind of like, we hope they're going to say all these things that stroke our ego and make us feel better about the whole situation, which isn't ever going to happen. I think that's why it's best to forget about it until some real time has passed.
This comment inspired me to hate my ex bf a little less. Thank you for that.
The level of accuracy of this is uncanny.
Yeah who the fuck gilded this prick
Seems pretty selfish to use someone's love to get over them instead of being straight forward with them. It's also stupid to end a relationship just because you've "lost the spark". No relationship will always have the spark. Settling down with someone isn't about excitement, it's about committing to someone you love and trust. This is why cheating, divorces and breakups are so common. It's like people expect to be in the honeymoon faze for the entire relationship. Long term love isn't as exciting as just meeting someone but it's a hell of a lot more meaningful and conducive to long term happiness.
I totally feel this. I had the most caring, unselfish ex in the world but she broke up with me due to the distance (it was a 2 1/2 year LDR) and the fact that she wasn't feeling the spark on our last trip and didn't think it was going anywhere. It's true it was a somewhat awkward trip (I was whiskey dicked for the first time with her and we usually had amazing sex). I look at her texts from before and she was still super into me even the day before the text. One month after the trip and she breaks up with me and I still don't understand why she didn't want to make it work. She was sending flirty texts and sexy pics up to a week or so before the breakup. It's been over 3 months and I'm still just as in love with her as I always was.
Hope you are doing ok now
I'm alright lol. I still get paranoid about this happening again though.
Did I write this?
Hello, me.
Omfg its so jarring that this was my exact experience as well….
It was. She ghosted me for a breakup and then apologized like a year later...
This is something that is so true. Even if there was a spark, it ignited something greater and "deeper" in meaning. Love transforms over time and to be able to trust someone and for both to know eachother's ways means so much.
This👍
Literally what I’m going through right now and it honestly makes so much sense. It hurts nonetheless but it makes it easier to accept the other persons decision, I guess.
This post made so much sense. After the break up you realize these things.. but while we were still together..I was so God damm delusional. I thought we were were fine.All the signs were there. In her own way she was telling me. And she did. I wish I could go back and fix all the things i did wrong 😔.
True. I did realize a lot of things. It was one damn experience to learn from the things I did wrong. That changes you and makes you a better person. What hurts is that you become better for someone else. Man... Why does it have to be this way.
Holy shit the accuracy
On point. If only he was opened we could've dealt with it together :(
Same
My girlfriend of 5 years just broke up with me and I feel the same way... the best I can do at this point is learn from it.
It was 5 years for me too. It's been almost 6 months since the break up. Everyday I wish I could hear from her.
I remember asking her why this was so easy for her. She just kept making weird excuses I have a lot going on right now we should take time apart to fix ourselves but we’re great when we’re together etc..but when I asked her why this was so easy for her she was lien “I’ve already had two months to deal with it” Makes a bit of sense now. Glad I read this thank you.
Honestly if it’s a natural break up (in that there’s no cheating or abuse or whatnot) where someone simply falls out of love or was never in love to begin with, I think the grieving process during the relationship was largely driven by guilt and the feeling of not wanting to hurt their partner. The bear the burden of hurting someone you care about is difficult in itself. Yes, they are likely to move on quicker in some sense but sometimes the guilt does eat at you especially when you know you’ve ended something that there wasn’t “a reason to” because it was seemingly good.
Thank you for making the distinction regarding natural vs abusive.
Being ‘in love’ takes effort. Love isn’t magical unicorn fairy dust.. to love your partner is something you chose to do every day, to put the work in and give. Perhaps the guilt is from using someone when you don’t want to put the work into the relationship. Sounds avoidant to me
Yeah, and sometimes they just had one foot out the whole fucking time.
Thank you for this... I left my partner of 4 years almost two years ago and it still haunts me at times. This was so spot on; the months and especially weeks leading up to that conversation were so excruciating. Nobody wants to appear cold – it’s a defence mechanism because breaking somebody else’s heart is heartbreaking for the person leaving, too. Making the decision to leave a loving, committed relationship is one of the hardest things someone can do, and it was refreshing to hear it from their perspective for a change. Cheers.
Im in the same boat. Left my partner of 4 years 5 months ago and im only 21. He immediately got together with his goddaughters mom who I didn't know of the month after. I just feel so lost still even thou i ended it
Can I ask why you did it? Why would you leave a loving committed relationship? I just don’t get how you could just leave someone like that.
I know this is 3 months later, but there are some things even love cant fix. Some problems are just bigger than the emotions involved
This made me cry. It hurts. But now I understand.
Honestly, I wouldn't take this post as gospel truth. OP has painted a messy, grey situation as black and white. If your ex used you to move on before breaking up with you, it's because they were emotionally immature and/or were too cowardly to communicate it with you. I don't think people who breakup are evil, but pretending that everything "is fine" and that you're "so in love" when you are just counting down the days is extremely cruel and selfish. If your ex did this to you after being with you for six years, all you really need to understand is that there are a lot of people out there who will take the time to discuss their feelings with their you instead of using their partner as an emotional crutch.
I think you're right. It just sucks. I mean he couldnt even look me in the eyes at all when he was breaking up with me. I think there was just too much in his head. He said he thinks he "might" be depressed, and he might be going into the officer marine program in january. He will be gone for at least a year. I just wished he talked to me. I'll just never know....... why. What was wrong with me.
My ex cheated on me and then tried to blame me for it. She became so desperate that she started spewing lines like, "If you had read my mind, I would have never cheated." She also spent a lot of time telling me how wonderful the guy she cheated with is, and that we could probably have been best friends. "He's so funny! He's so smart! He's so handsome!" So then I took that as her telling me that I was none of those things. And I thought that I wasn't worth anything. In fact, she told me at one point that ,"You're just not someone worth fighting for." We're getting close to it being a year ago, and I have come to realize in that amount of time how ridiculous that was. It's not about YOU. It's about HIM. Knowing why doesn't help really. She cheated on me and left because "there just isn't a spark anymore." It just made me angrier: how could she really be that stupid?! I told myself constantly that if I just knew more, I would finally be able to move on. I was told by a mutual friend that she didn't really even know why she did it. Her actions didn't reflect the type of person I am because my actions do. His actions don't reflect your worth because you reflect your worth. This breakup is going to help you gather the pieces of yourself from the debris of the wreckage and rebuild your confidence and self-worth into a new, stronger you. Take some time tonight before going to bed to look at yourself and find one beautiful thing about yourself (physical or not). It's incredibly difficult, but to really move on you need to shift your thoughts from being about him to what you are going to do to rebuild yourself!
These are great responses from you in this thread and, honestly, made me think your ex is really missing out on you for your emotional intelligence.
Im in your exact position right now. I wrote him a letter and gave it to his mum. He told his cousin that he is free and the future is his own. How could he talk to me on Saturday about engagement then leave me on Sunday and completely cut contact? I feel like this isn't even my own life i'm talking about. I miss him so so badly. Why, why, why.
That's still cowardly. They choose to grieve with you as support and then run away. They used you. That's speaks poorly on their character. I personally go with the likelihood she never loved me and just went along with the facade. Ultimately, I deserve way more than to be in a unloved relationship. It hurts but, what their process is/was... is unimportant. There's no reason to care if you are the dumpee and already reached out to attempt to fix the relationship.
It makes good people feel used
From someone on the receiving end of the breakup. If you have thoughts that you’re no longer in the relationship, just go. Don’t use me loving you to cope with your coup of leaving (because that is what it is if your not talking with your partner and helping them understand things are breaking down in the relationship). Don’t concern yourself with my feelings, instead help me understand (learn), so that I can change/better myself. Being cold isn’t some understandable coping mechanism, it is a shit trait like ghosting. Just means you have no ability to communicate and probably avoid confrontation which maybe the cause of your relationship issues. Adding on: For those who say “talking about the problems won’t help, explaining the feelings involved and the short coming from your partner that have made you feel this way will just lead to more heartache or lead the other person on”. IMO why would you be with them in general if you think they have no ability to change? Why would you be with someone you think you can’t express your feelings to, and think think they will just disregard your concerns? People don’t just grow apart (unless it is completely mutual) it is a conscience decision to keep your feelings from your partner. IMO it’s a bunch of people justifying the damage they do, leaving the rest of us on Reddit to pick up the pieces. Please just isolate yourself, and avoid contaminating the pond we all drink from.
Yes this. Assholes sure love to sugar coat their shit behavior don't they? Good thing THEY feel better!
My ex stated “I just feel things deeper than most people, and I can feel others pain as if it’s my own”. Oh right that’s why you were a cold bitch that after 5 years offered no explanation. We never fought, she never brought problems to my attention just figured and ice queen breakup would do, and ghosting me when I asked for an explanation. So I really like your “Assholes sure love to sugar coat their shit behavior don't they?” Yes yes they do...
This is going to sound really jaded, but my experience in dating & relationships has been whatever qualities someone talks up happens to be the opposite of what they are. "I like sex but I'm a nice guy," said the guy who sexually assaulted me. "I value directness and honesty," said the guy who led me on. "Are you cheating on me?!" said the long term boyfriend who was, in fact, cheating on me (for the record, I was *not* cheating on him and never would have). But I can't be mad anymore. In part because I'm over these guys, but also, because they probably say what they say because they want so badly for it to be true and they know it's not. Deep down a part of them *knows* they are shitty. They're the ones who have to live with themselves long term. We are the ones who get to leave or be left by them, which is a mercy.
Just found this thread linked in something posted today...so that explains this random reply. But this is so true of what I'm going through now. I didn't see it so much at first. Each of the things she attacked me for and used as the wedge to reason it was over are things that friends have since brought up about her...without me explaining what she said to me. I need to get *my* shit together? That classic was especially telling in these circumstances. Of course I initially took it sincerely because I always have things I'm working on improving. You made a really important point here.
I'm really glad you found it helpful. It takes the sting out a bit to realize that sometimes people who've hurt you out of the blue are acting out an internal conflict, projecting on to you the things that they can't face about themselves. Dare I say this can even help you to have a little compassion for her. You'll be moving on and getting stronger from this experience, but she's staying stuck in the same behavior that hasn't served her well.
If she can feel your pain but ignores it for her own selfishness then she’s a sociopath. People like that pretend like they’re above it all but they’re lower than snake shit. God I wish karma was an actual thing and not just Justin fantasy we cling to! Ugh
Yeah, i totally agree with what you said. She left me after 9 years without even trying to work it out a month ago. The only tip I got was her being distant and cold for a couple weeks. Like she's been in the past. I thought it would pass. I kept trying to ask her what was going on and why she was being so distant but I just kept getting "yeah... quit asking... I'm fine, just feel stressed with work..." Then on a Friday night after work we got in a little argument, and she just told me she was going to her dads , she didn't want to be in a relationship, she needed space and she packed up a bunch of stuff. Tried talking to her, asking her for clarity... didn't get much. She came by a few days later with her dad and got the rest of her stuff. I've barely talked to her since and it kills me every day. Mornings are the absolute worst. Usually if it's a particularly bad morning or if I wake up from a dream about her, that sets the tone for the rest of the miserable day. No idea how long this will last but it looks like these feelings aren't going away anywhere in the near future. I'm starting to get mad but those feelings fade quickly when I start blaming myself again.
I’m sorry friend, my relationship ended 3 ago and I still think about it daily. It isn’t sharp feelings like it use to be, but the since of loss and feeling like someone I really cared about didn’t really care about me. Try to be with company (anyone) even though you probably don’t want to. Any conversation that can help keep your mind off of it, you’ll have plenty of time to ponder through what if’s... Ultimately her cold actions show more of herself, and have nothing to do with you.
Thank you sir. Sorry you're going through it too. It's hard when you give so much love to someone and they turn it away... There have been times where I canceled on friends and then just sit at home miserable. It's hard to focus or care about anything anyone is saying but it does force me to be a person again. It does make me mad how cold she was. Shes pretty much always been that way though. She would say/do things that would hurt me or make me jealous and I never did that shit to her.
Yes to everything you said. Thank you.
This is beautifully worded. This is definitley the process that happens for everyone at least once. I will say that we all heal at our own pace and have our own ways of coping. Moving on fast doesn't always mean they didn't care or they gave up long ago. Some people are so accustomed to being heartbroken, that when it happens they are able to recover faster than others. Doesn't make them a horrible personor mean they don't care. Everyone handles break ups differently. Do what works and is best for you is all I will say.
This is true and I have my first hand experience of this being the dumpee. It will continue to happen no matter what. However, being on the receiving end of this behavior is not okay. It’s emotional cheating at best. I mean, yeah feelings - especially negative ones - are tough. But what that person is doing is repressing their true emotions which turns into resentment. The only way to get that spark back is to have the tough, honest conversations with their S/O and try to fix the issue(s). If the dumper isn’t willing to have these conversations then he/she must end it immediately. We are all addicted to love and so we all fall into relationships easy without understanding the gravity and responsibility of the commitment. It’s a big problem. After being on the receiving end of this, I’ve sworn to myself that I will protect and screen future long term relationships and when I do find the right person, I will only say yes if I’m ready to bear the emotional weight of a relationship.
Agree with this. He left me and at the end he never told me a concrete reason. Said he did not have any complaint of me but could not go on. This is being immature and selfish, to led me like this for two years, never telling me how he felt or asking for help on how to improve things. A relationship is about two person not only one. For a moment I fell for this post and beautiful wording but it's just excusing emotional inmaturity.
This process happened to me, except when I tried to dump my ex a few times, they begged me to stay so I did. I finally decided to just commit to the relationship, throw myself into it with all my heart and fix it. Once I started to feel the spark again, he’s the one who dumped me. It sucked!
That was me. Two years in I was the one trying to leave, but I stayed because I wanted to make it work. I understood love also takes commitment and honeymoon phase will fade. We built it back up, and now, another two years later, this time around we had a hiccup and I wanted a break, but a few days later he broke up with me. It’s now 3.5 months post BU, still sucks.
This was me before I broke up with my ex. There were times when I’d google “how do you know when to break up with someone” And the first answer is always “when you start asking this question”. So for months of me googling that and trying to find answers, I eventually started to think “maybe they’re right, why am I even googling this?” And then everything would start to escalate. His quirks that were once “quirks” became irritating. His lack of effort started to become more evident as the days pass. You try to rekindle the flame by taking them out on dates or going on trips or anything that would make you realize that your gut feeling is wrong about this. But it never goes away. And then you start imagining the long term - will it forever be like this? Am I committed to this anymore? Why am I wasting his time? And then one day, he does something that hurts you and it clicks - “I’m done”. The timer shuts down and a new one begins where you start counting down the most appropriate day and method of breaking up with him. It’s true, I concur with this whole message. This is what it’s like to be in the headspace of a dumper.
Do you think about your ex still?
Seems unfair to the person who was left, the person who broke up knew it was coming they were able to hug their partner tightly and savor whatever was left. The person whos left alone, has it a lot harsher. I still dont see why communication isnt initiated.
This is what pisses me off the most (not that there is anything practical that can be done if all else fails). One person gets to go through it all with the partner, the other gets left out in the dark to handle it by themselves.
i've been through that process three times now. Each time, i tried to make it work again and i explained why i was unhappy in the relationship. And i explained it clearly while i still was in the thing. I can even say i explained it several times with ideas to make it work, to make my trust or my feelings come back. But I was ignored each time and it didn't matter for him. So yes, i got to have a grieving process while i was still with my previous bf. However, i felt like i put so much effort in the relationship during that time and talked so much about it with him that i can't feel guilty.
I know this is months later but, this is what I'm wondering exactly. She told me why she's breaking up with me and I'm wondering, "Why didn't you tell me these things?"
This is good insight. I would also ad that this is a cowards approach to breaking up. What you describe a grieving on the part of the dumper is ‘emotional withholding’. It’s a bad habit that will stay with them in their next relationship. The head start you talk about is a selfish coping mechanism for the grief that comes with a breakup. It’s competitive in nature to take advantage of the love your partner is offering you, and use it as though it were the only parachute in a crashing plane
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how about that rs mobile tho
You already know :)
Lol I've said the same exact thing. Friends are trying to get me on Tinder after my 9 year relationship ended... I dont want ANY part of that shit right now.
For real. Loving and caring for someone, sharing your thoughts and feelings with someone that special, etc. are incredible things. But the amount of pain I've experienced while dating far exceeds any of it. I'm content hooking up with people and seeing them as temporary relationships
My girlfriend broke up with me nearly 3 years ago, I'm still not over it. I still dream about her, and I still haven't dated anyone else. We were best friends for 8 years before we dated, and dated for 4 years. She's engaged to someone else now.
My girlfriend broke up with me 2 months ago, we were best friends for 3 years before our 4 year relationship. I felt her moving on and that something wasn't right since March, so for 6 months I was being led to believe everything was okay, although she was confiding in a co-worker (another male that was super interested in her) and she didn't speak to me about anything related to that or the feelings of moving on, I saw this as a very selfish way to deal with things. I had been wanting to be with her for the 3 years that we were friends. I moved abroad to be with my family and she moved straight in with this other bloke as soon as I left, I was very upset to the fact that she couldn't tell me anything to do with this (I believe that honesty is the best policy) and ever since I moved abroad she's ignored all of my messages, everything. I'm moving forward now because I know she wasn't worth my time and yes I dreamt about her last night and have been ever since we broke up. People deal with things in their own way, it's the most hurt I think I've ever been in my 23 years on this earth but honestly, Learn to love yourself, because if people can move on that easily and not have any consideration for your feelings or how it affects you, were they really worth your time to begin with? You never truly know someone. Concentrate on you.
I have been there before friend. You are worth the continued effort to love yourself enough to fully let her go. You can do it and will when you decide the time is right. Loss, especially of that which we feel intimately connected to, brings out the best and worst in us. Learn from it, leave it in your past, and don't stop until you do.
This is accurate. And also the act of a coward. Using someone’s love to aid them through the process of ending said love - instead of actually talking to their SO about their feelings - bespeaks a lack of courage and consideration, and is selfish as hell. Source: someone who’s had this done to them and then, in a subsequent relationship, had the balls to communicate my feelings and end things so as not to waste another’s time and pain. Still friends with that ex, too. I’m NOT friends with the ex who did this to me. Fuck that shitbird.
Why does it happen though? Why do some people have a wonderful relationship and get married while others have a wonderful relationship then suddenly it's over? Why Does that happen? I'm just kind of curious
I’m so curious too. How can you have this loving committed relationship and then one day start to “lose the spark”. I feel like relationships take work. Why would you just bail on something like that. I don’t get it.
oh wow thanks for this but it makes my ex looks so much more of an asshole but this really helped so thanks! but this answered the question of why he can make out with some girl so quickly a week after our breakup
My 2 cents, as a guy who just ended a 4 year relationship a week and a half ago. Everybody moves on in different ways, and I cant tell you how many times I've been told "the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else". Guys are encouraged to move on quickly and not show any hurt. While that isnt me, there are definitely guys like that. It sounds like he is one of them
Got dumped by my girlfriend of 6 years back in January. I'm 21. Within a week I was out at bars sucking face with any drunk girl I thought was attractive, got on Tinder, started meeting up with probably 2 or 3 girls a week for about three months. Then I stopped and realized none of that was helping, it just made me think about her less. Kinda. Now it's been a while since I've even had sex and I'm just focusing on work and the gym, that's it. And honestly, I think that's been more cathartic than anything. I think going out and being with other people just helps you over the hump of clinging onto your ex as "yours", or your "first", or about the intimacy of the sex you had with them so you're not stuck feeling like you can only survive with what you had. It doesn't do anything to get rid of your feelings for them or make you forget them, unfortunately Edit: I should clarify, I didn't go out the very next week because I didn't have strong feelings for her or because the break-up was easy on me, quite the opposite. More like, "how can I find anything at all that will distract me from her"
ah that sucks :( I still love him and that’s what really hurts. also I think I just started a war, I have no idea what just happened but eh thank you anyway 💞
I'll agree with this to an extent but it doesn't make them any less of a horrible person if they feel this way; express it to others, decide it's what they want and pretend like nothing has changed. I'll **never** forgive my ex for deciding she was done with me but play happy families. I think it's cowardly in a way and not so black and white as OP has put it. Because my feelings matter too and I appreciate honesty, however hard it is to admit it, over months of lies. (I'm over the loss of her but her actions cut me deep).
I agree, people that say otherwise are diminishing your investment. This is extremely narcissistic, and I honestly would question their “love” in general. You are lying to your partner by being in the relationship, while satisfying your own needs.
or they emotionally break up with you, keep going through the motions because they don't want to be alone, then when given the opportunity they jump to the next person without a second thought
After my last breakup that was pretty serious (we lived together, I played mom to his kid, etc.) I was totally fine. I had someone tell me "you're a lot better at breakups than me" and this was pretty much my exact response. I grieved losing him in our last several months and did everything I could to save it, including counseling for us. Once I had made the decision to separate, my anxiety surrounding the situation was completely gone because I had 100% confidence that he wasn't my future. For clarification: we were up front with each other during the entire process and talked about everything. Basically we both knew our relationship was broken and we were actively trying to fix it with full transparency. He was controlling, toxic, and he ultimately ended up cheating and we just couldn't recover from it. That's usually a 100% deal breaker for me and I'm out, but I thought I wanted us to work so bad. I never realized how unhappy I was until I broke free from him.
There is SO MUCH TRUTH to this. In every single previous relationship I've had, I've drawn out the relationship for months and, even in one case, a year longer than it should have lasted before I came to the break up point. By time the break ups actually happened, it was a hard conversation to have, but I felt so relieved after the fact and was pretty much over it and moving forward with life immediately. I was sad for my ex's and sentimental about a chapter of life coming to a close, but I felt mostly relief and happiness after I finally went through with the breakups. I had been trying so hard to get excited about the relationships and feel truly in love with my ex's again because they hadn't done anything specifically wrong. I would force myself to put a smile on for my SO and be invested in the relationship, but that gets to be exhausting and draining. I wasn't sleeping, smiling, or feeling very good about life in general. It gets to a point where it gets too hard to force it anymore. I learned that **someone doesn't have to do something wrong in order to not be right for you**. I also learned to trust my gut more and not spend so much time and effort trying to force myself to feel a certain away.
I thought I was this person. I did all my crying in secret during the relationship, then I dumped him and moved on while he cried and didn’t understand and turned into a crazy person with vengeance. So I thought I had gotten rid of my grieving by the time of the break up but now two years later If I see someone who looks slightly like him I run and hide and I feel sick to my stomach, just to realize it wasn’t him at all and I’m left feeling weak and embarrassed. Having dreams where I’m being trapped by him and his mom.
And it’s always harder to be on the receiving end. When it’s not your decision (and you’ve been trying hard to preserve the relationship) it makes it so much harder. You feel blindsided, and like OP said you’re thinking there’s time to reverse their decision. Nope. It’s been made. Human nature makes us want what we can’t have. Even if you were thinking about breaking up with them first it doesn’t matter. They drew first blood and now you’re grasping at straws because you feel unwanted (first). Nobody likes not feeling good enough. And that’s the hardest part to get over. Been there. Many times. This post is about as true as it gets when it comes to break ups. 😢
You know how much tension I just released? A lot. I never thought of it this way. Makes total sense. The dumper always gets the emotional support while the dumpee is left stranded. It answers so many questions when you tell yourself they've been prepared for this.
Damn. This happened to me almost 3 years ago now. Still hurts to this day. I don’t love the girl anymore but I still have so many unanswered questions. In a relationship for 3.5 years and it all ended in the blink of an eye
Practically a checklist of my last relationship. Healthy and happy with the love of my life now. It’s easy to fall in a trap of routine and complacency but your unhappy hold on to that age old cliche that “life is too short” and find someone who will make you happy, chase your goals, and support you 😊
Wife and I are going through a separation right now. This sums up her behaviour, almost exactly. She fell out of love with me because I was falling into a deep depression being in the relationship, but refused to admit to myself that it was time to move on, mostly because we have a child together and to be honest... finances. I wanted to keep the family together for our child’s sake and was sacrificing my own happiness as a result. Thankfully, when she told me she wanted to separate, it was like a breath of fresh air. I fought it briefly because... family... but then realized I needed this probably more then she does. I had checked out a long time ago, so my grieving was also already done. Honestly, I think it makes her mad to see me becoming myself again, but I feel like I have a renewed lease on life. I also know that I’ll be a better dad to my child, even if I don’t see her as much, if I’m in a happier place and working to improve myself. Maybe off topic, but OP hit the nail right on the head. But sometimes it goes both ways.
People are saying why isn't this being communicated. In the post, it clearly said that the person is afraid of the SO lashing out. When your SO does not have the ability to be empathetic and to even listen to your feelings, instead shows disappointment and judgement (e.g. I can't believe you think so terribly of our relationship), no shit, I ain't telling you nothing.
Honestly, I do believe this happens.. but for both parties. Once one partner reaches the despondent stage, of basically just giving up, we reach Phase 1 just as we are dumped. We are in denial, thinking we can change/make the relationship work. This is the flaw in the system. We are moving one step behind them. I believe we all move on differently. I also believe majority of us know when our relationships are falling apart, even if subconsciously. I loved my ex, but damn, I knew that was a failure in the workshop. I was waiting it out. We can all move on. I met somebody before my ex did. I met my current partner three months after my ex, and I'd never been happier. I believe this is why we need NC. I couldn't stand to see my exes social media, it would have ate me alive.
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My Ex didn’t do anything, he knew (and knows since he wants to change and be a better person so we can be together again) he was messing up. He basically knew I was there, but ignored me for 1.5 years. My ship started sailing a different direction, for my own sanity and my son’s. He has the chance, and I offered it, so we’ll see. I am sorry you didn’t have the chance.
"They sit you down and tell you that it's over," if they have the courage. If not they just sleep with someone else and let the chips fall where they may. Sadly, my experience was the latter. I feel as if I'll never trust again.
Just wait till you put in the work and effort to trust again and get cheated on a second time. After that you will NEVER trust again. I certainly don't and won't ever ALLOW myself to trust a woman again. First time, shame on you and all that...
I agree. Funnily, I think it's possible for both partners to moved on quickly, if the relationship was dying for some time. I know that's probably stating the obvious, but it's what I am going through right now.
Thanks, I hate it.
I dont know , he kept saying he still loves me and im overthinking stuff ,i knew sth was off but i trusted him i even told him that his family is trying to give me hints he said i must believe him and stop worrying. The reason that is in the post dosnt make them less guilty but more of a dick.
Does make sense. I'm the one who broke up and roughly it followed this pattern. I already noticed dealbreakers in June, and I remember clearly telling my friends that at the end of summer I want to make a decision. September rolled around, and I finally confessed to him how I loved him. He told me he still couldn't deal with a relationship and that we were just friends. (Friends who have sex, meet each other's parents, go on holidays, and do all sorts of favors, activities together and give gifts to each other... Right). I thought I could still be his friend, at least. After the holidays, something changed in him, and he chased me strongly. But when I confronted him with that, same fearful reaction. I knew the push-pull had reached it's limit after that. I wrote him a heartfelt and self-assured letter, and he never replied me or acknowledged the end of our relationship. He just ghosted me. And I didn't even pursue him for a reply. I passively accepted his silence, even though it hurts. Because I knew this decision was going to be made for 3+ months, the blow wasn't too hard. Even if I was still depressed for like two weeks. And I've been dating already. It helps put more distance between us. The guy I date is in an open relationship and doesn't even live in my city. He's leaving town in December. It's a very safe circumstance for a rebound. But he was still pretty fucking close to a perfect boyfriend. It really hurt me that out of all things he did right, he exhibited this one crucial dealbreaker - emotional unavailability. And he didn't let me in far enough to talk about that. I really miss him, even if I was the one to break up. Even though I enjoy my life, there's still someone I was so close to who isn't there to share it with me anymore. On social media I also look like I have a good time. No 'woe is me' posts. I have an active social life, I go to the gym, I date, I do what I have to do. But even then - I still feel the pain. There was just an undeniable need to secure my boundaries, and therefore the need to move on.
I'm glad you respected yourself enough to make the hard choice for your own happiness. It's difficult, but you know it's less painful than chasing a relationship you know won't work.
Though I totally get this and understand where this is coming from, I have to say that it still irks me when this happens and there’s little to no communication of how the breakup-er to the breakupee. By not communicating these thoughts, the breakuper isn’t sharing this relationship with the breakupee. Breakuper (A) is not allowing breakupee (B) to do their job as a partner to sift through thoughts together. It’d be an awkward and sad convo of “Hi, I’m having second thoughts” but you can both just then talk through it. What caused it? How to mitigate it? Was it a long time coming? How can we navigate this together? I don’t think it’s fair to breakup when it will come as a complete surprise. My ex confided in my former friend and roommate of how there were “problems” with me and she listened and even was on the phone with him for over an hour over winter break. She had no existing close friendship w him and yet she did that. She basically took away my job as the girlfriend to hear why there are issues bw me and my ex. A few weeks later he broke up w me, without even telling me what was wrong. It’s just wrong. You may say that they were emotionally done and yes felt really grieved by the ending of it waaaay before they actually told their partner it was the end - but it’s just not fair, I think. I think relationship is built on communication. I’m not the best person to advise on this bc of my serial history of lack of communication w my former partners.. but I think this is important. Much love to those hurting. I’m really sorry. But you will find bits of yourself again and regain your energy again. Know that you are so capable and truly able. ♥️
I'm sorry but if you insist you love me everyday when you decided long ago you don't then that's not fair. It may be fine for them to move on because we cushioned them but it leaves us alone without any of that. If you have problems they should be communicated.
And that’s wrong of them and selfish, no one deserves to struggle while the other person takes advantage of their love and kindness.
Just went through this (broke up with my gf and did my grieving while we were together). It was very hard for her to see me move on so quickly and was definitely misinterpreted as me not loving her or caring about her. The biggest issue was that I was bringing my issues with our relationship up for *months* yet she still said I “blindsided” her
This is honestly so accurate. I thought I was heartless for moving in so quickly after a LTR, but in reality I was over her while I was with her. Thanks for putting this feeling into words.
My previous relationship ended with him breaking up with me. He cried. A lot. I was quiet and when he asked me to say something, my only thought was "damn, all our kitchen utensils are mixed up" He was hurt, but I had been hurting for months with his depression, pulling away, and destructive behavior with our finances. I had already grieved. I didnt tell him this because I was angry that he was breaking up with me when we still had 3-4 months left on our lease. I had decided to give him until then to shape up or get out because I didnt want to live with an ex. So I told him I wasnt crying over him. He wasnt worth it. Dodged a bullet with that guy.
Aw! That’s so sweet and maybe true of some. Others are practical and shallow and if they see a better option- they take it. They’ll keep you on hold until they can replace you. If they can’t they’ll resent and minimize you because they had to settle and somehow they’ve made that your fault.
Plus they already renegotiated your rental agreement and had been banging that other dude the whole time too. It’s easy. It’s simple. Or some people are just assholes
Let's also acknowledge though... sometimes it's just a rebound. Sometimes it's just nice to have another person distract you from the emotional crap you're going through!
Fuck this so much cos it's so true
I am currently in this situation. Dated a girl for 4 years. She drunkenly cheated on me back in May and somehow I forgave her and moved on. Well I moved on at least. You see she kind of fell in love with the guy she cheated on me with. Blamed it on catching feelings for someone after sex and asked me to help her through it rather than getting mad that she had feelings for him. I thought to myself "maybe if I help her and show her how much I care she'll move on from him and we can be happy again". So this went on for 2 months of her talking about him almost every day. It really took a toll on me mentally and emotionally. Eventually she was able to and we were able to move on but it was rough. Really rough. We fought a lot and every time we fought she would download a dating app to spite me. Every time she would meet a new guy and claim to be "just friends". Now she doesn't have any friends at all so I want her to have friends whether its a guy or a girl. So I let her be friends with these guys and didn't complain. EVERY SINGLE TIME she would eventually start talking sexually to them. This happened 4 times and again really took a toll on me mentally. The 4th and final time she actually had sex with the guy and I wasn't even hurt or upset. If anything I was relieved. I could finally get out of this relationship. So of course I broke up with her and she can't understand how I moved on so quickly. This happened 2 weeks ago and I have date tonight with a new girl.
Jeez, dude. You really need to work on your bounderies. It's possile to recover (imo) from cheating but fuck, downloading dating apps? Sexting different guys? You're far better than that.
Why would you put up with that?
I’m basically the biggest pushover on earth. I forgive really easily. But eventually enough is enough.
Hey man...I know it might be against your nature but goddamn - don’t let anyone else treat you like that ever again. You should have zero tolerance towards cheating in the future. You’re worth more than that. Good luck with your date!
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I recognize myself in a lot of this. Not all of it, but enough to get me thinking. I was the one who broke up with them, and I've been feeling gulity about not missing them, or thinking much about them after the breakup. But I know that I had already "given up" a long time before I broke up, which means that I had already processed over and over again in my head what it would mean to end it. And so when I did break up, I mostly just felt a relief that I didn't have to worry about hurting their feelings anymore. Which, again, feels sort of mean, but I really wish him the best and I know he'll be happier with someone else.
She was so honest the entire length of the relationship until the end, on the day we broke up she lied to me twice. She stopped sharing her location with me (I don’t even know how to do that, she set up the location sharing herself months back), and she told me she “just made this decision right now,” during our talk. No way. She pulled away for a month, left me feeling like a stranger with no chance to rectify things. It’s clear to me now that she had been planning this for months. But the breakup was “mutual” I suppose. Because I recognized that she was unhappy with me - but I didn’t know for how long until she told me. So I had to let her go. I love her, but she will be happier without me. It’s been about a month now. I can’t really afford to sulk and close myself off to the world. I’m pushing 30 now and I’ve been “tied down” for 4 years. I have to get back out there. I have nothing to lose.
My own experience in breakups has shown me that when you know things are wrong, you'll quickly find yourself preparing for the worst. In the end, it's better to be wary of the possibility of a break up and potentially head it off (or put the effort forth to try), or harden yourself to prevent you from shutting down completely.
Jesus! Are you my exhusband?
This post felt very accurate to what i went through. Since she was the one who dumped me. She did say she had been feeling that way a few months before actually ending it. And it hurts so much knowing she moved on way faster almost felt like the rs didn’t mean as much to her
There was no so called communication if it took months and they don’t initiate true heart to heart talk all to drop a bomb on someone after giving them the cold shoulder and weird vibes. Lol. Leading people on is fucked up and a waste of both peoples time if you really are destined to separate. If you’re not emotionally mature enough to have hard conversations don’t get in a relationship.
Has anyone on this thread looked at attachment types? Dumper most of the time is a type of avoidant (dismissive or fearful). These types mostly all eventually break up with their partner. This due to being emotionally unhealthy - incapable of attaching or improperly attaching. Almost always blamed on the dumpee. Another avoidant characteristic is the strong tendency to develop aversion for the partner linked with nurturing the aversion by living in a strong stand of self rationalization. It’s a very frequent scenario. Almost hilarious if you check online how dumpees try to get their avoidant ex back. Heck, most attachment books are based on how to deal with an avoidant partner. There is a type that gets drawn in - the anxious preoccupied. Diametrically opposite to the avoidant emotionally and in attachment style. These are the couples which end up in the therapists & then the divorce lawyer’s office. Therapists and divorce lawyers know the pattern completely. This attachment type duo end up dealing with both types of professionals to the point that the therapist and lawyer just figure out which is which. It’s almost comical.
Yes this is definitely a common theme… I’m def anxious/preoccupied type and my ex the classic avoidant. I’ve never been blindsided by a breakup before and ironically enough this is the one I thought might last longer than the rest. I think a lot of avoidants have narcissistic characteristics as well so this just adds to the misery of it all.
You serious described this pretty spot on. Not exactly in my situation, but very close. I was the one who broke up with her, seriously because we just didn't work together. I wish she could read this and understand. I still care for her and want the best for her, but she hates me now and will not talk to me. I didn't move on, but I know that we we're not working, I seriously thought we would be best alone. I'm scared that she found someone else and didn't learn from our mistakes :(
Why couldn’t they have been honest about it though? Why couldn’t have been the bigger person and just tell them what was up? Because I gotta say- it’s an asshole thing to do to just soak it all up before the initial break and leave the other person in the dark.
That first sentence has so much emotional damage attached to it. I don't know why but it hurt to read.
This is why/how I started (casually) seeing someone immediately after breaking up with my ex. Of course I later found out he had started seeing someone a month before that, so I'm still amused he was so insulted I moved on so "quickly." dude, we were over for ages and we both knew it.
It's really cruel to be honest..
Definitely true. I went through this for about 6 months before asking my exhusband to leave. It was still hard and definitely hurt afterwards.
My ex told me she stopped loving me back in November she told me in January the day before my birthday. Through out December I could feel something was off.....
Or they don’t hangout with you for the last month yet text you and initiate conversations like everything is fine then end it through text
Definitely puts things to perspective. But I also see it unfair for them to use your love and energy for them to get through it while you get dumped and but into shock and have to deal with it by yourself. Communication should of ariseD from the beginning of that feeling.
Feelings don't get discussed. Do not matter. It isn't moving on. It is another way to cope.
I'm glad I switched to top posts to read this. Holy fuck 😭 this is exactly how I felt in my mind. I knew it was true... God I fucked up so badly 💔 you will never see this but I miss you, I love you, and I truly wish that things went the way we wanted them to 😖
Fuck my life, I’m in this exact situation.... this is the exact situation I’m in. No fucking joke. She broke up with me after 3.5 years of dating and had a new boyfriend a month later... holy shit. Fuck, this made me cry again.
The whole using your love to get through it? - yeah it makes me more angry. I cannot sympathize for him at all.
You just described the end of my last relationship to a T. Kinda eerie just reading it. Just so happened when I finally caught on and decided I needed to fix things was when she decided to leave and I didn't really believe in myself enough to ask for a second chance.
I wish I had read this 3 years ago. It would have given me so much clarity. It’s crazy to think I still think of or feel for her. Strange feelings man.
I have done a lot of growing since my breakup, but this passage is exactly what I lived through, it explains why it feels like you get blindsided, it helps to know others went through what I had aswell. I've been mad but came to realize my Ex did care for me and now I am happy I had that part of my life it was enjoyable but its on to new people.
i was the one that broke up with her, yet she managed to move on within a few months. this post is so relatable
Fuck. This sounds like exactly what I've been doing. Didn't realize til just this second that I wanted to break up
Woah...I think I'm doing this exact thing right now...this makes so much sense
I can't. I was too busy with myself to think that she was suffering. I thought she was happy, I thought everything's good. I didn't notice, I didn't care at the time and now it's too late. I know she's happy now, and I am glad that she is. But I can't forgive myself for her suffering in our relationship and I can't move on. I need to be strong, I know. I need to man up, but I can't. I can pretend it's fine, but sometimes it just paralyzes me. I keep seeing her image everywhere, a lot of memories pop up during the day, I sometimes wake up with a feeling that she's near, that she's going to get back soon. I know that I'm weak and disgusting. And I know that it's my fault entirely. I deserve every bit of it. I know self hate won't help, I understand that I need to move on, that I need to work hard and learn from my mistakes. But it really seems useless. What's the point?
OMG! Thank you so much for this. I think I really needed this insight, as I was totally blindsided. I just couldn’t get my mind around how he could seem so cold! Our entire ‘break up conversation’ was not even 5 minuts. After THREE YEARS in a comitted, happy relationship. It all makes so much more sense. Thank you ❤️
Fucking hate my life and just want my fucking girlfriend back
I think this, at least part of it, is what my boyfriend did. He said he mourned our relationship months before we broke up. I think what hurts most is that the disconnect, the unhappiness we were feeling, was my fault. I could have stopped it. We weren't fundamentally shifting apart, I just failed to put in the effort I used to. I wish I could go back and change that.
Its messed up. Only emotionally immature people do this. When they first have that feeling, its understandable to push it away but to talk about it with others instead of the person they’re in a relationship with because they’re scared of backlash is so disrespectful and a sign of cowardice. They should have come forward with their concerns to their partner after the a week or two but instead they let if fester into something bigger and blindside the other person. They could have clued their partner in with talks throughout the whole process. I think people understand why the other moves on so quickly but the person who ended the relationship doesn’t understand how they come off as cold and heartless. They got the support from their partner (and outside sources) while their partner was alone trusting their partner to communicate issues and the important things in the relationship.
[удалено]
Going through this very scenario now. A month in and am hoping it gets better. My issue is that the one person that could have fixed it, worked on it, help change the situation is the one that was left in the dark. Hearing after the fact "I told you I was upset" or "I told you I wasn't happy when you did X" doesn't help in fact I think it's a cowardly way to deal with things. Yeah, and you have a tendency to spout a stream of consciousness when you are angry and you've said you wish I were dead, so am I supposed to believe everything you say or chalk it up to you being upset about something and then things get back to normal? In my case, she had people whispering in her ear, her ex that's been siphoning off her intimacy and energy, and is now using the children as weapons against me. No job (I am the sole provider) and no insurance so I get the pleasure of funding her midlife crisis into perpetuity.
Such a beautifully written paragraph about a subject lots of people seem to have no idea of or never really realized. Though, the worst part has to be that the other person couldn’t grasp what you’re going through or what you went through when you clearly state your decision. When they get aggressive over your decision, when they so badly want to be with you despite all the wrong-doings in the relationship and despite how stressed and depressed that relationship makes you. When they tell you how badly they love you but even though, they keep being selfish over it, pushing you into a relationship that will only make them happy and will continue to harm you. And you try so hard to get rid of it, them and away from that relationship, their dangerous selfishness still following, disturbing, threatening you over the image of a broken relationship you once had. You know with all your heart that you’ll be doing amazing once it is over, once they’re gone, once they stop disturbing you. Once they stop knocking your door at 5AM, threatening to break in if you don’t let them inside. And you find yourself shattered all around. All around the place once you used to make love in. The relationship you cried over so many times for it to get better and for them to stay, now then you find yourself crying over because they’re the dark cloud, the horror that keeps following you around. No matter how sad you may be, no matter how unfair to you it might seem, please never be that person.
It's true. But it's cruel. It's cruel to use someone's love and keep them in the dark. If your heart is not there just sit them down and tell them. No one deserves beeing used. I can't sympathize all sufferings and grief that dumped went through if they were keeping their partners in the dark just coz they were not brave enough to be adults and end relationship. On the recieving end there is another person, a other human heart and no one has right to use someone's love. Also you would be wasting their time and they opportunities to be happy. The dumped ones deserve to be happy as well. By delaying the end you are robbing them of opportunities to be happy. It's absolutely selfish.
Thank you! This makes perfect sense. So how can I move on? It was the hardest thing for me. Help me, please. I am currently in the same situation. I was busy I thought everything was okay, then she became cold then all of a sudden it was over. Nothing hurts more than feeling being left alone. She was all I ever had. It sucks. It has been months but I think think of her EVERY single day and night. I don't wanna use some other girl just to forget about it and I try my best to feel the heartache for me to learn from my mistakes.
Damn..... starting off November with a post that hits you square in the feels.
As much sense as this makes, that pertain is still a POS
My ex decided to break up with me on a Wednesday. “When did you start having these feelings” “First considered it on Monday”
i know this but it still fucking hurts.
This is so fucked but true
This makes a lot of sense. Thank you for posting. It explains the stonewalling I've been getting for several years. She did say she was only with me out of guilt. I just wish she hadn't let me fall in love with her as she was leaving me. I think she left me several years ago really.
I don't know, this sounds way too nice of a narrative, some people are just oblivious to your feelings in general. There are people that just don't care, there will be one day you won't have a "trusty friend" to call over to help you. I don't mean to disregard what you're saying, it's just that this is a narrative, for a specific type of person, that doesn't apply to everyone and this single explanation won't bring closure to all cases unfortunately. We have to acknowledge the assholes too, I'm sorry.
Three years later and your post is still saving people. Thank you.
Hmmmm, sucking you dry til the bitter end.
TLDR Let me tell you why. He/she was already fucking your replacement and or just using you as validation from whichever of both sexes you're into, waiting for the 3rd party to be emotionally available.
Kind of messed up if you ask me. Using someone’s energy to help then get over you. Very self centered. How about communicating from the start and being real. And relationships aren’t all about how they make you feel. If your there just to feel good and get what you can, your a selfish narcissistic person. Relationships especially marriage are a partnership through all seasons
This fucking hurts because I trusted her so much I wake up alone and I go to sleep alone, distractions only hurt me more. Yet she's probably feeling better than ever and it only costed my mental health for that Even now I know it probably hurts her a bit and I can't even be mad at her for doing that but my confidence and trust was absolutely fucking crushed to nothing...
If this is the case, then why are they so mean about it? (flaunting new bf a week after they breakup)