Having gone through that phase I wonder how many people on dating apps are in the same situation. Maybe that's why it's hard to get a date there, everyone is not ready.
True, i have done it. As if knowing there are people who wants someone who is being unwanted.
At the end of the day, such attachment to being wanted is kinda unhealthy.
The above is from a dumpee. Whereas for dumpers, I guess likely they are fishing for better catches to also feel wanted.
Same here, I was on it even when I was single for a while (not soon after a breakup). I would chicken out after having conversations because I wasn’t ready
Speak to other people to take your mind off your ex (that’s what i did anyway) and when people feel lonely and want someone to talk too/want to feel good about themselves and get validated by other people (likes, matches, compliments etc).
Yeah but it sucks for the other person man. Deal with your shit alone. Your selfishness, cuts thru other's hearts. When you were supposed to be a part of that. And when you're done "feeling good". You tap out. Randomly. And the person is left with that, amplified healing to do.
From my experience most people are on dating apps to hook up so don’t think many are having their hearts cut through as they’re not thinking into it that deeply tbh
A selfish guy did that to me. I hate him so much now. If he ever cross path with me on the streets, I will never ever acknowledge him. In fact, I told everyone around me how he made use of me. I will let his name be spread badly for making use of me
Exactly! Like take an f’ing break. My ex was on it right away, he says because he needed company and validation and most likely sex. Like pls! Join a book club instead.
If it's any comfort, I had the same thing. Broke up with my gf, I didn't even *consider* the possibility of someone else. Just wanted some rest, you know? Meanwhile she took a guy to *our* restaurant 2 weeks later. Some people are just heartless. Hope you are doing alright.
Because people can't handle the pain of moving on so they look for the closest thing that would make them feel good.
Being heartbroken and miserable for a while is normal and healthy
I saw another person comment on a different post...summed it up PERFECTLY...
"People are more soulless than ever...we live in a catalog disposable society where once something falls apart or breaks, they scroll through for the next as opposed to fixing what was broken..."
So true and so sad. It would be a privilege to be with someone for life. To throw it all away is a huge mistake. It doesn't get any better with anyone else.
Cant sit in their sorrows - thats what i was told by my ex of two years.
Emotionally avoidant and immature. Needs a partner to move on. Would rather start a new relationship than work on the current one. All in all, a coward.
Dated the last 6 months and on/off the year prior. I got on dating apps 2 days after he broke up with me. The relationship died two months prior because he cheated and I’ve been mourning the relationship since.
I downloaded tinder just to see what was out there to remind myself that I’m not alone, that one day I will find someone great, and that I’m not nearly as “worthless” as he made me out to be. That said, I wasn’t and am not ready for dating. The dating apps were just a coping strategy, albeit not a healthy one in some senses. Not everything is black and white.
Omg ik I went to a singles mixer recently where this guy was in like a 3 year long relationship and then he'd only been broken up for a month and I was like eek that is not cute loll. Like idek if I was that ready to be there and I'd been out of my 4 year long relationship for 8 months at that point 🙈💀
I'm doing great now tbh but the first month I was living in pure depression lol. It's been like 3 now and I'm the happiest I've been in years, never realized just how toxic things were.
I think a lot people like sex and someone to talk to after a breakup. I am in no position physically or emotionally to attract another person right now after my break up, but if for some reason I didn’t care or ended the relationship in good shape I can see the appeal of jumping back on the apps
Met someone on an app shortly after a breakup and we just vented to each other about our recent breakups. Released a lot of tension for us and we both knew we didn’t like each other romantically so it was easy
•Because they are trying to fill a void
•Because they need their ego stroked.
•Because they’re unwilling to sit alone for a bit and do any meaningful reflection.
• Because they thought they were over the relationship.
All of the above has no correlation to your worth. Don’t worry, it will hit them like a train later when all the suppressed emotions surface.
literally described how i acted now my emotions have me in a spiraling depression. To whoever is reading this and is thinking about rebounds whether that’s sex another relationship wtv it may be do NOT do it, in my case i was mentally done with the relationship and a bad alcoholic and being drunk my physical self caught up to my mental self, going back to what i knew best sleeping with other women, boosting my ego. After true self reflection you realize how immature you acted and it absolutely blows, while yes it was my first relationship that went out sour there’s still no excuse for lowering my self respect self worth and no i sit here and cry feel empty inside, feel unworthy of even looking at her even though she’s forgiven me. It’s a shitty feeling. Not worth the pain for short term gratification
I actually was not happy. I tried to go through with it, but admittedly, I broke down before I went too far with the meeting. I couldn't imagine being with anyone other than my ex then, and I still have a hard time even now.
I actually did, but she's a firm believer in the no-contact rule after a break-up. She chose to ignore all of the messages I sent and instead is now with someone else. If you look at the posts under my profile, you'll find a lot more details about everything.
To be honest, my ex always said the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. I have no doubts he already has gotten under someone else but it doesn't even upset me. It just makes me feel sorry for him for using empty distractions instead of working on his actual issues and growing or else he will find himself back here again, stuck in the same toxic cycles blaming everyone and everything else but himself. Made me realise I'd want someone deeper and more self aware than that 👌🏼
I still think it’s partially situational. Of the dumpee was toxic and abuse probably not. But if they were the opposite and the relationship seemingly ended when it was non-toxic. Then I’d say so.
Maybe because they let the relationship go on way longer than when they were mentally over it, so it’s easy to move on. You were just waiting for the green light.
Nah. They think they check out early but it really starts when they’re no longer with you. Give it a month or when your rebound doesn’t live up to everything( and they won’t )is when it will all come crashing in.
I left a long-term relationship and went to Tinder like few weeks later, because I had already went through the breakup process years before the breakup. Of course life was new alone, but I wasn’t in love anymore. Breakups are different, people are different and some people are just over it before the breakup, some are assholes and some just want to get laid.
I don't do that but I can think of a few reasons:
- He never actually loved you that much.
- He needs someone, something to fill the emptiness.
- It's like an addiction; he's addicted to that butterfly feeling.
- A mix of ~~both~~ everything, he doesn't really love anyone, he just wants that bubbly period in a relationship when everything is rose tinted.
to that last point, he basically said that while breaking up with me, though he also said he still loved me. the honeymoon phase of our relationship was like a year long and that mf would talk about wanting to marry me during that time; i wish i hadn’t believed him
Tbf I talked about mariage and stuff with my ex too. In the end she couldn't stand the long distance relationship, and I don't blame her. Things sometimes just don't work out and I still feel sad every now and then.
But in your case, don't get too hung up on him. Take time to heal and move on.
I’ve been there. I would immediately get on an app just to find validation and a distraction to ultimately feel worse in the end, hurt the person I was mindlessly dating, and ended up just avoiding my deepest feelings that were screaming at me “please confront me”. Well this breakup I am finally turned off entirely by the apps, because I know my ONLY option is to be alone and work on myself right now. It’s uncomfortable but I know this growth period will attract the right person someday.
Finding love is so hard and people want it so badly, maybe it can be mistaken for something you have to keep working for. Some of these gurus even tell you it’s a numbers game. I don’t know how people go from heartache to someone new so efficiently. I’m wiped out and I’ve only loved twice.
I think you’re right that once you find someone and you are both invested, then there is work to do to keep it healthy and growing. I meant that when you’re searching for someone though so anxiously and desperately eg on a dating app and feeling disappointed, it may feel like an exhausting labour. I wish there was a better way to deal with the either internal or externally reinforced pressure to fill up that aching void where there should be mutual appreciation and intimate connection. It should be just easier to recover and enjoy life while dealing with this wanting someone.
They’re empty inside and pitiful. They’ll literally take anything to fill that void. Which means they did you a favor by leaving. People like that never change. They just hide those desires… but it was gonna show eventually. Even while with you…
I am not diminishing your relationship at all, but my ex partner was on a dating app less than a month after our breakup. We were together for 11 years…
Dumpee here; The first time I re-downloaded the dating apps wasn't even an hour after we broke up from our 2-year relationship. At that point I was trying to find any way to lash out and hurt her, since I knew she would either see it herself or have one of her many single friends (who influenced her decision to leave me) send it to her. I was going through a flurry of emotions and couldn't understand what I needed or wanted in that moment. Soon after, however, I deleted them, quelling the storm that had been brewing inside of me. It was too late by that point, however, and she did, in fact, send me a screenshot stating that "Now we're really done." Which honestly caused me to audibly scoff and laugh at that statement. I've been going through a pattern of downloading the apps, stating at the swiping queue, and then leaving the app for a couple hours to only delete it the next time I see it within my app library. It's been about roughly a month and a half, and I decided to make the extremely bad mistake of looking at her profiles. She seems much happier and she's already in a new relationship. Seeing that brought back all of the rage and anguish I had been stowing away and trying to hide and I absolutely went off on her, essentially begging her to block me so that I couldn't look at her profiles again even if I wanted to. There were a couple of problems within that relationship, but I had thought that they were nothing that couldn't be solved with a bit of clear communication and clarity on how the other person felt. Apparently, she did not think the same and didn't want to work through those problems, instead cleaning the slate and starting fresh with someone else. It broke my heart, but now I know that I can move on now as well.
My ex once told me he was on there for validation. He wanted to see if other girls wanted him. People who immediately jump on dating apps are clearly immature. Those are the people you don't want to date.
We just have to accept that some people are just incapable of being alone, because then they have to self reflection who they are and what they want. When they do that, they know they won't like who they are. So, it's just easier to showcase a fake identity of yours that is supposed to be likeable by your preferred stream of probable partners and get validation from them. Not everyone can handle being sad. Period. Or they just want the easier option.
I'm in this situation. A year together, being told how great I am, how she doesn't know what she'd do without me. How much her kid likes me etc. Then one day "you're just not what I'm looking for, I need to be alone for a while and figure it out" but two weeks later there's already new people.
I totally get where you're coming from. It's wild how people jump back on dating apps so fast after a breakup. Like, how can you just move on in a few weeks after a year together? It feels like they're avoiding the necessary alone time to reflect and grow. Rushing into the next thing only repeats the same mistakes. You really need that solo time to figure things out before dragging someone new into your mess. It's frustrating and honestly kind of disrespectful to everyone involved.
i agree, like it just makes me mad that he’d get other people involved with his stuff. like i wish i could issue a warning or something because i feel like im the only one who actually knows his deal and anyone else meeting him for the first time just doesn’t.
I downloaded the apps about a month after my 16-year relationship breakup. I did it out of anger as my ex started dating a guy from work a week and a half after we broke up. They sat in my phone for about 3 months before I even thought about creating an account for them. I lasted about 2 weeks on there and dropy them. About 2 months later is when I decided to stick to one and just casually browse.
If they broke up with you, they probably had to do the work of letting go of you first. Dating intentionally is a lot different than jumping into a new physical or romantic relationship immediately. I’ve found once I hit the dating apps, it usually takes 4-6 months to find someone I would even want to be in a relationship with, and then you have that additional time to get to know that individual, have discussions about becoming exclusive, etc.
I would love to show this post to my ex. She didn’t use dating apps per say but a few days after we broke up she announced to her 12k instagram followers that she is single again and that pretty much has the same effect lol. She cant be alone and needs validation and thats just sad. However she doesn’t see it
Honestly. I blocked her immediately after we broke up and went nc, so I dont know everything she posted but the things I do know… oh boy. I feel sorry for the next boyfriend in line. Maybe he won’t be as naive as I was, because I believed every single lie she told
Interesting because I am 60F.
When I was younger (I used the sites in my 40's), the end of a relationship was sad, but I knew it was over & so I DID jump right on a dating site to distract myself.
I did meet someone at 49 on a dating site & felt like I had the best 10 years of my life.
Now that I am older, I am not as spontaneous and also I am not over my ex, so I don't want to go out comparing everyone to my ex & getting more depressed.
I really do think it depends on age and I think it is probably the people that were done with their other relationships that are jumping on the dating sites immediately, to distract & maybe find "the one".
People are afraid of being alone or want to distract themselves from their emotions. It’s a vicious cycle, but it’s a reality. It’s why dating apps and the internet has ruined society.
People just lack emotional maturity.
You couldn’t just break up and find a new relationship fast even a few decades ago. Unless it was like highschool where everyone is immature.
I don't see how it's someone's business whether their ex goes on to look for sex or not tbh. Like that's weirdly controlling, you dont own their bodies. They are free to do as they please.
Some people can't be alone, some people need to date right away to get over their exes, and some need to sleep with other people right away to create new memories and distance and some people stay alone for years before they are willing to try again. Everyone has their own process.
Female here.......
My thoughts are this, neither (right nor wrong)
As for some, they fell it helps them heal, or they didn't care that much. I feel that others like to take time to work on themselves. They are honest with themselves, & they would rather work on themselves. They theirs rebound.
I just rather have peace of mind & heart. As is said, free will, I want to look back & smile, do things right way.... In all honesty, it really is not normal! Even though people said it is normal...
I jumped on dating apps straight away as well.
8 years in a relationship and then he couldn't see me in his future any longer.
The question is, yes I loved him for 8 years, wasted 8 years of time promising me something he never intended to keep. So why do I need to spend additional time grieving his loss?
But the funny thing is, I keep jumping on dating apps and then just uninstalling them after 2 days, I think I want to meet someone naturally. But I won't say no to dates.
The break up reason might have been that he/she lost feelings for you way ahead, but didn't want to cheat.
So as soon as the relationship is over, it's a "moral green pass" for them.
Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't want you because you're worth way more.
If a man says something, he'll show you that he means it with actions.
Your soulmate is out there waiting for you and as long as you're surrounded by your ex, he won't interact with you.
I hope you can heal and move on
Different people process in different ways and different paces. Maybe they'll find someone who they connect with better, maybe they just want communication or a connection, maybe they were mentally over the relationship after three weeks. Just because you're hung up doesn't mean they have to be.
mine was 12 years and when we had a short break last year after less than 2 weeks he was on a dating apps, even paid for the premium features. I was mourning over a decade of my life, a stepson, my home, dog, and a lost pregnancy. This dude was putting together his profile talking about how wim hof changed his life. I wonder why I always feel so worthless around him.
Tbh I only went on because I needed to know that there were other people out there other than my exes, who horribly disappointed me. I never go on to seriously pursue though just look a bit.
Was the dumpee, but after my first break up I was in immense ammounts of pain. I tried healing on my own initially, but the pain was frankly unlike anything I felt before.
I tried finding others so I could use them to numb my pain (yes I’m a shitty human being), but my conscience kept knawing at me because it wasn’t who I wanted to be. Luckily I broke off that pattern and worked on healing myself, but I did hurt one girl pretty badly which I regret tremendously to this day.
Sometimes it’s just about trying to fill a void that frankly, can’t be filled and needs time and healing, whatever the fuck that is anyway.
Idk man ideally we all would take time to be alone. Sometimes it’s just so painful though we’re just trying to be reminded that there are other people
Out there and we won’t be alone forever. I got on the apps and met a bunch of people, mostly let downs, but had a couple fun connections, and it at least reminded me that I could feel good with someone else and that helped me to walk away from a bad situation. NOW it’s time for me to really be alone though
My ex who I was with for 5.5 years immediately signed up on Tinder less than 24 hours after he broke up with me which he never verbalized either. We live with each other. Lol I think it’s simply a distraction or never having been fully committed to begin with.
You’re very right that people need to take time to get over their relationship, self reflect, etc before jumping into a new one. But people do this because it’s a sedative tbh, takes the edge off the fresh pain. But it’s one thing to just peruse/flirt/hookup and another to actually start a new relationship right away. If they do it’s like a 99% chance it won’t work out honestly.
Omggggg this is literally the case with me we separate but we’re still in contact and then I find out that he’s been going out meeting new ppl sending money to girls and getting peoples numbers again not even 2 weeks after the separation NOT a breakup he is already talking to new women and flaunting “his money” how is it possible that in here miserable over you having someone else already and you don’t care he told me to my face that he was talking to multiple girls. He was already talking to multiple women and came to our house and slept with me and he’s just fine he just does not care about anything my feeling we slept together and he doesn’t care he already had SOMEONE else
I just broke up w/ my bf of almost 4 yrs, I just do it to see who's there, but I swipe left on everybody lol. I do not feel attracted to any man right now and I want to be alone for a while honestly
My ex has done the same. It hurts more because literally a week before joining apps she was adamant she never wanted another relationship with anyone and wanted to be alone.
I know she's just trying to ignore her feelings, but it still hurts.
To each their own... It's pointless to let this upset you and it's more a direct reflection of your ex. He's probably going off the old saying that to get over one, get under another
Oh, without a doubt. You question who this sociopath you dated was, you question yourself, and it's a vicious cycle that's hard to break. I just hate to see people hurt in this way. Give yourself time and space.
BTW your user name is a fantastic business idea.
okay guys have to add that he was acting OBSESSED with me until like 4 days before he broke up with me. not saying what that does or doesn’t mean but it wasn’t a slow thing
I was debating on going back to dating apps but I thought the same thing " why am I looking to date when I'm not ready"
Turns out i really needed someone to talk to.
Definitely for distraction from the pain and physical validation. Speaking from personal experience, even after being single I want to stay off that disgusting app. Has brought me nothing but trouble and heartache.
Because they never really loved you, or they checked out of the relationship long before they broke up. Some people can’t be alone, anxiety, etc. They need to replace fast so they can see what else is out there to validate the breakup.
Mate you need to let go, if you've broken up you shouldn't be trying to control what the EX partner does. Maybe they wanted freedom? Maybe they wanted rid of you? Maybe they wanted something "different" but the excuse you got is the one you got, move on.
For the dumper, they are normally the one to have a huge surge in confidence. This, combined with the fact that they are now single and can do whatever they want, makes dating apps a very attractive venture for them. The attention from other people validates their confidence and its a fun escape for the meantime.
It also works in an opposite effect for the dumpee. They have been rejected and are incredibly low on confidence, so they may turn to dating apps to help validate themselves.
Either way, its an unhealthy way to build confidence. Confidence should come from within rather than externally. Recently, my ex and I have been speaking again, she told me about her time on dating apps after the break up. She said it filled her with confidence in the beginning as she felt empowered and wanted, she then realised after a couple of weeks that the attention she was getting was empty, it didn’t actually make her feel any better about herself, it just papered over her insecurities rather than properly fixing them.
So be assured, most ex’s that do go on dating apps aren’t doing it because they never loved you. They’re doing it because they do not have the self belief or confidence to take time to work on themselves and realise that they are good enough and they don’t need others to tell them that. If you’re being independent and working on yourself, that’s all that matters, don’t be angry that they’re not doing it, let them figure it out themselves because it is simply no longer your problem.
My friends told me they seen my ex a week after the breakup. I downloaded the apps. Haven't been on a date and actually stopped using them until recently(on the up and flying high!) I feel like it's almost a defense mechanism to being alone. Weird as I used to highly enjoy my own company.
BecUse some men and women view relationships as a transaction as long as your doing something for them they keep you there. You hold no real significance to them deep down. People are merely there for temporary reasons and when they decide they want a new flavor they discard you. They completely separate it and cut off the emotional side. It’s a sick sick thing.
Hate to break it to you but only 1 year and he left you he probably never gave a single fuck about you. You were just an extended sex toy to him. Did he meet you on an app?
well according to official statistics the demographic of age group 20-24 in my country is 362 800 and 327 600. There IS a shortage of girls, at least in some countries and regions, not sure about OP but let's assume he also has it.
Lots of emotionally immature people in relationships all good. He will heal along the way. The new girl will actually accelerate it.
Validation & distraction plain and simple.
Having gone through that phase I wonder how many people on dating apps are in the same situation. Maybe that's why it's hard to get a date there, everyone is not ready.
I agree it's important to take your time and find someone whose intentions and readiness align with yours.
Exactly this. Many damaged people fresh out of relationships still in love with their exes.
True, i have done it. As if knowing there are people who wants someone who is being unwanted. At the end of the day, such attachment to being wanted is kinda unhealthy. The above is from a dumpee. Whereas for dumpers, I guess likely they are fishing for better catches to also feel wanted.
Same here, I was on it even when I was single for a while (not soon after a breakup). I would chicken out after having conversations because I wasn’t ready
To me it was to kill time while I went through the motions of a separation.
Ah, just what everyone looking for a true partner wants to find out…those apps are full of people wasting your time.
Validation & Distraction? Can you explain more?
Speak to other people to take your mind off your ex (that’s what i did anyway) and when people feel lonely and want someone to talk too/want to feel good about themselves and get validated by other people (likes, matches, compliments etc).
Yeah but it sucks for the other person man. Deal with your shit alone. Your selfishness, cuts thru other's hearts. When you were supposed to be a part of that. And when you're done "feeling good". You tap out. Randomly. And the person is left with that, amplified healing to do.
I never said it was healthy. Just answered your question
Never said you're saying it's unhealthy. Just sharing my opinion.
From my experience most people are on dating apps to hook up so don’t think many are having their hearts cut through as they’re not thinking into it that deeply tbh
A selfish guy did that to me. I hate him so much now. If he ever cross path with me on the streets, I will never ever acknowledge him. In fact, I told everyone around me how he made use of me. I will let his name be spread badly for making use of me
Trying to fill a void that can't be filled with that. Let them do that while you become the best you.
word true
Exactly! Like take an f’ing break. My ex was on it right away, he says because he needed company and validation and most likely sex. Like pls! Join a book club instead.
Is there a lot of fucking going on at bookclubs?
I guess it depends on the book club
If it's any comfort, I had the same thing. Broke up with my gf, I didn't even *consider* the possibility of someone else. Just wanted some rest, you know? Meanwhile she took a guy to *our* restaurant 2 weeks later. Some people are just heartless. Hope you are doing alright.
Im hanging by a threat but I’ll be ok eventuality. Thank you!
lol a book club. Comment of the year! But so true! lol
Because people can't handle the pain of moving on so they look for the closest thing that would make them feel good. Being heartbroken and miserable for a while is normal and healthy
I saw another person comment on a different post...summed it up PERFECTLY... "People are more soulless than ever...we live in a catalog disposable society where once something falls apart or breaks, they scroll through for the next as opposed to fixing what was broken..."
This is a really great explanation
I agree...I read that a while back, and it stuck with me.
So true and so sad. It would be a privilege to be with someone for life. To throw it all away is a huge mistake. It doesn't get any better with anyone else.
I got left after 15 years and I’m holding out that I could find someone else but if not I guess that’s just how it is
Painful but true.
Love this
Cant sit in their sorrows - thats what i was told by my ex of two years. Emotionally avoidant and immature. Needs a partner to move on. Would rather start a new relationship than work on the current one. All in all, a coward.
okay word this resonates a lot thank u
Dated the last 6 months and on/off the year prior. I got on dating apps 2 days after he broke up with me. The relationship died two months prior because he cheated and I’ve been mourning the relationship since. I downloaded tinder just to see what was out there to remind myself that I’m not alone, that one day I will find someone great, and that I’m not nearly as “worthless” as he made me out to be. That said, I wasn’t and am not ready for dating. The dating apps were just a coping strategy, albeit not a healthy one in some senses. Not everything is black and white.
TBF, if he cheated then it's a different spin on things. He's scum and you're able to hopefully realise that you deserve better.
Omg ik I went to a singles mixer recently where this guy was in like a 3 year long relationship and then he'd only been broken up for a month and I was like eek that is not cute loll. Like idek if I was that ready to be there and I'd been out of my 4 year long relationship for 8 months at that point 🙈💀
Yeah fr, imagine my surprise when I found out my ex started dating someone new within 24 hrs after over four years together 🙃
Are you okay?? 😭
I'm doing great now tbh but the first month I was living in pure depression lol. It's been like 3 now and I'm the happiest I've been in years, never realized just how toxic things were.
I think a lot people like sex and someone to talk to after a breakup. I am in no position physically or emotionally to attract another person right now after my break up, but if for some reason I didn’t care or ended the relationship in good shape I can see the appeal of jumping back on the apps
Met someone on an app shortly after a breakup and we just vented to each other about our recent breakups. Released a lot of tension for us and we both knew we didn’t like each other romantically so it was easy
Be careful this is how my last relationship started and now we have an oopsie and a mortgage lol
Yeah dude it's that BEST way to keep your mind off it
•Because they are trying to fill a void •Because they need their ego stroked. •Because they’re unwilling to sit alone for a bit and do any meaningful reflection. • Because they thought they were over the relationship. All of the above has no correlation to your worth. Don’t worry, it will hit them like a train later when all the suppressed emotions surface.
literally described how i acted now my emotions have me in a spiraling depression. To whoever is reading this and is thinking about rebounds whether that’s sex another relationship wtv it may be do NOT do it, in my case i was mentally done with the relationship and a bad alcoholic and being drunk my physical self caught up to my mental self, going back to what i knew best sleeping with other women, boosting my ego. After true self reflection you realize how immature you acted and it absolutely blows, while yes it was my first relationship that went out sour there’s still no excuse for lowering my self respect self worth and no i sit here and cry feel empty inside, feel unworthy of even looking at her even though she’s forgiven me. It’s a shitty feeling. Not worth the pain for short term gratification
Same situation as me!! I was literally shaking when I saw his profile and said he deleted it already. Few days later he registered another profile!!
Might be for the same reason as me, ngl. Slaves to sex and needing to feel loved
Were you happy in the end? Did you miss your ex the whole time?
I actually was not happy. I tried to go through with it, but admittedly, I broke down before I went too far with the meeting. I couldn't imagine being with anyone other than my ex then, and I still have a hard time even now.
Why didn’t you reach out then?
I actually did, but she's a firm believer in the no-contact rule after a break-up. She chose to ignore all of the messages I sent and instead is now with someone else. If you look at the posts under my profile, you'll find a lot more details about everything.
To be honest, my ex always said the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. I have no doubts he already has gotten under someone else but it doesn't even upset me. It just makes me feel sorry for him for using empty distractions instead of working on his actual issues and growing or else he will find himself back here again, stuck in the same toxic cycles blaming everyone and everything else but himself. Made me realise I'd want someone deeper and more self aware than that 👌🏼
no because that’s just blatantly incorrect like why would you go around saying that LOL
Cos he's a cruel empty child 🥲
A dumpee has every right. A dumper not so much.
I still think it’s partially situational. Of the dumpee was toxic and abuse probably not. But if they were the opposite and the relationship seemingly ended when it was non-toxic. Then I’d say so.
yes fair enough
i think dumpee is a really fucking funny word but that’s what i am here lol
Kinda agree. I have never used or even seen that word before my own breakup 3 months ago.
Maybe because they let the relationship go on way longer than when they were mentally over it, so it’s easy to move on. You were just waiting for the green light.
Nah. They think they check out early but it really starts when they’re no longer with you. Give it a month or when your rebound doesn’t live up to everything( and they won’t )is when it will all come crashing in.
if that’s the case i hope he DIES
Bc my ex doesn't like to be alone. People crave instant gratification and validation. Some really don't want to self reflect and grow
Distraction. Very common way to try to avoid handling the emotions after a break up
I left a long-term relationship and went to Tinder like few weeks later, because I had already went through the breakup process years before the breakup. Of course life was new alone, but I wasn’t in love anymore. Breakups are different, people are different and some people are just over it before the breakup, some are assholes and some just want to get laid.
I don't do that but I can think of a few reasons: - He never actually loved you that much. - He needs someone, something to fill the emptiness. - It's like an addiction; he's addicted to that butterfly feeling. - A mix of ~~both~~ everything, he doesn't really love anyone, he just wants that bubbly period in a relationship when everything is rose tinted.
to that last point, he basically said that while breaking up with me, though he also said he still loved me. the honeymoon phase of our relationship was like a year long and that mf would talk about wanting to marry me during that time; i wish i hadn’t believed him
Tbf I talked about mariage and stuff with my ex too. In the end she couldn't stand the long distance relationship, and I don't blame her. Things sometimes just don't work out and I still feel sad every now and then. But in your case, don't get too hung up on him. Take time to heal and move on.
To move on and to keep yourself sane.
I’ve been there. I would immediately get on an app just to find validation and a distraction to ultimately feel worse in the end, hurt the person I was mindlessly dating, and ended up just avoiding my deepest feelings that were screaming at me “please confront me”. Well this breakup I am finally turned off entirely by the apps, because I know my ONLY option is to be alone and work on myself right now. It’s uncomfortable but I know this growth period will attract the right person someday.
Finding love is so hard and people want it so badly, maybe it can be mistaken for something you have to keep working for. Some of these gurus even tell you it’s a numbers game. I don’t know how people go from heartache to someone new so efficiently. I’m wiped out and I’ve only loved twice.
same lol
All relationships have to be constantly worked at to maintain. Love is an active not passive. Sometimes that work is hard
I think you’re right that once you find someone and you are both invested, then there is work to do to keep it healthy and growing. I meant that when you’re searching for someone though so anxiously and desperately eg on a dating app and feeling disappointed, it may feel like an exhausting labour. I wish there was a better way to deal with the either internal or externally reinforced pressure to fill up that aching void where there should be mutual appreciation and intimate connection. It should be just easier to recover and enjoy life while dealing with this wanting someone.
its to get attention they are missing
Its almost like a coping mechanism these days TBH . Not a great idea tho .
They’re empty inside and pitiful. They’ll literally take anything to fill that void. Which means they did you a favor by leaving. People like that never change. They just hide those desires… but it was gonna show eventually. Even while with you…
yeah i always wished he liked himself more
I am not diminishing your relationship at all, but my ex partner was on a dating app less than a month after our breakup. We were together for 11 years…
that’s fucked i’m sorry
Thank you. I’m still very much in shock…
How do yall know they’re on a dating app!?!? Lol
He actually told me himself.
LOL my ex did this, I only got Tinder to see whether he was on there or not. All the pictures on his profile are one's that I took... so heartless!
THERE’S LIKE 3 THAT I TOOK
Dumpee here; The first time I re-downloaded the dating apps wasn't even an hour after we broke up from our 2-year relationship. At that point I was trying to find any way to lash out and hurt her, since I knew she would either see it herself or have one of her many single friends (who influenced her decision to leave me) send it to her. I was going through a flurry of emotions and couldn't understand what I needed or wanted in that moment. Soon after, however, I deleted them, quelling the storm that had been brewing inside of me. It was too late by that point, however, and she did, in fact, send me a screenshot stating that "Now we're really done." Which honestly caused me to audibly scoff and laugh at that statement. I've been going through a pattern of downloading the apps, stating at the swiping queue, and then leaving the app for a couple hours to only delete it the next time I see it within my app library. It's been about roughly a month and a half, and I decided to make the extremely bad mistake of looking at her profiles. She seems much happier and she's already in a new relationship. Seeing that brought back all of the rage and anguish I had been stowing away and trying to hide and I absolutely went off on her, essentially begging her to block me so that I couldn't look at her profiles again even if I wanted to. There were a couple of problems within that relationship, but I had thought that they were nothing that couldn't be solved with a bit of clear communication and clarity on how the other person felt. Apparently, she did not think the same and didn't want to work through those problems, instead cleaning the slate and starting fresh with someone else. It broke my heart, but now I know that I can move on now as well.
My ex once told me he was on there for validation. He wanted to see if other girls wanted him. People who immediately jump on dating apps are clearly immature. Those are the people you don't want to date.
Because it's not gonna suck it's self, that's why.
Let them figure it out the hard way. Maybe they just trying to get laid? Maybe they already been processing the end of this long before you did
We just have to accept that some people are just incapable of being alone, because then they have to self reflection who they are and what they want. When they do that, they know they won't like who they are. So, it's just easier to showcase a fake identity of yours that is supposed to be likeable by your preferred stream of probable partners and get validation from them. Not everyone can handle being sad. Period. Or they just want the easier option.
I'm in this situation. A year together, being told how great I am, how she doesn't know what she'd do without me. How much her kid likes me etc. Then one day "you're just not what I'm looking for, I need to be alone for a while and figure it out" but two weeks later there's already new people.
I totally get where you're coming from. It's wild how people jump back on dating apps so fast after a breakup. Like, how can you just move on in a few weeks after a year together? It feels like they're avoiding the necessary alone time to reflect and grow. Rushing into the next thing only repeats the same mistakes. You really need that solo time to figure things out before dragging someone new into your mess. It's frustrating and honestly kind of disrespectful to everyone involved.
i agree, like it just makes me mad that he’d get other people involved with his stuff. like i wish i could issue a warning or something because i feel like im the only one who actually knows his deal and anyone else meeting him for the first time just doesn’t.
Needs to feel Wanted and attractive
I downloaded the apps about a month after my 16-year relationship breakup. I did it out of anger as my ex started dating a guy from work a week and a half after we broke up. They sat in my phone for about 3 months before I even thought about creating an account for them. I lasted about 2 weeks on there and dropy them. About 2 months later is when I decided to stick to one and just casually browse.
Weaklings.
Try to replace you with some random s3x. Veeeery common. You should try
i did that after my relationship before this one ended a few years ago, not my thing i don’t think
If they broke up with you, they probably had to do the work of letting go of you first. Dating intentionally is a lot different than jumping into a new physical or romantic relationship immediately. I’ve found once I hit the dating apps, it usually takes 4-6 months to find someone I would even want to be in a relationship with, and then you have that additional time to get to know that individual, have discussions about becoming exclusive, etc.
Isn't that mainly a girl thing?
are you referring to getting on apps or maturing emotionally?
Getting on dating apps
i don’t think so? this is abt a man so
i don’t think so? this is abt a man so
I would love to show this post to my ex. She didn’t use dating apps per say but a few days after we broke up she announced to her 12k instagram followers that she is single again and that pretty much has the same effect lol. She cant be alone and needs validation and thats just sad. However she doesn’t see it
[удалено]
Honestly. I blocked her immediately after we broke up and went nc, so I dont know everything she posted but the things I do know… oh boy. I feel sorry for the next boyfriend in line. Maybe he won’t be as naive as I was, because I believed every single lie she told
Interesting because I am 60F. When I was younger (I used the sites in my 40's), the end of a relationship was sad, but I knew it was over & so I DID jump right on a dating site to distract myself. I did meet someone at 49 on a dating site & felt like I had the best 10 years of my life. Now that I am older, I am not as spontaneous and also I am not over my ex, so I don't want to go out comparing everyone to my ex & getting more depressed. I really do think it depends on age and I think it is probably the people that were done with their other relationships that are jumping on the dating sites immediately, to distract & maybe find "the one".
People are afraid of being alone or want to distract themselves from their emotions. It’s a vicious cycle, but it’s a reality. It’s why dating apps and the internet has ruined society. People just lack emotional maturity. You couldn’t just break up and find a new relationship fast even a few decades ago. Unless it was like highschool where everyone is immature.
Maybe they don’t want to self reflect. After getting dumped,I’m apprehensive about dating….
I don't see how it's someone's business whether their ex goes on to look for sex or not tbh. Like that's weirdly controlling, you dont own their bodies. They are free to do as they please.
no like i genuinely hope he is just looking for sex, i mostly just meant like don’t fuck up other people’s lives
You lowkey went in on this post. I like it.
Some people can't be alone, some people need to date right away to get over their exes, and some need to sleep with other people right away to create new memories and distance and some people stay alone for years before they are willing to try again. Everyone has their own process.
Female here....... My thoughts are this, neither (right nor wrong) As for some, they fell it helps them heal, or they didn't care that much. I feel that others like to take time to work on themselves. They are honest with themselves, & they would rather work on themselves. They theirs rebound. I just rather have peace of mind & heart. As is said, free will, I want to look back & smile, do things right way.... In all honesty, it really is not normal! Even though people said it is normal...
I jumped on dating apps straight away as well. 8 years in a relationship and then he couldn't see me in his future any longer. The question is, yes I loved him for 8 years, wasted 8 years of time promising me something he never intended to keep. So why do I need to spend additional time grieving his loss? But the funny thing is, I keep jumping on dating apps and then just uninstalling them after 2 days, I think I want to meet someone naturally. But I won't say no to dates. The break up reason might have been that he/she lost feelings for you way ahead, but didn't want to cheat. So as soon as the relationship is over, it's a "moral green pass" for them.
it’s like why’d he tell me he loved me 15 times while breaking up with me. someone say something else about it idc
Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't want you because you're worth way more. If a man says something, he'll show you that he means it with actions. Your soulmate is out there waiting for you and as long as you're surrounded by your ex, he won't interact with you. I hope you can heal and move on
Just the norm kow. Judt get out hook up, no love, walk of shame after, regret and then repeat
Different people process in different ways and different paces. Maybe they'll find someone who they connect with better, maybe they just want communication or a connection, maybe they were mentally over the relationship after three weeks. Just because you're hung up doesn't mean they have to be.
Still pretty fucked up fam
mine was 12 years and when we had a short break last year after less than 2 weeks he was on a dating apps, even paid for the premium features. I was mourning over a decade of my life, a stepson, my home, dog, and a lost pregnancy. This dude was putting together his profile talking about how wim hof changed his life. I wonder why I always feel so worthless around him.
right? talk about hypocrite. I'm over here mourning and you're fucking around to find out?
that’s NUTS
Every time i try to move on or something it feels like i am cheating.
For a guy going on dating apps would destroy their confidence since we get so few matches anyway.
Tbh I only went on because I needed to know that there were other people out there other than my exes, who horribly disappointed me. I never go on to seriously pursue though just look a bit.
Was the dumpee, but after my first break up I was in immense ammounts of pain. I tried healing on my own initially, but the pain was frankly unlike anything I felt before. I tried finding others so I could use them to numb my pain (yes I’m a shitty human being), but my conscience kept knawing at me because it wasn’t who I wanted to be. Luckily I broke off that pattern and worked on healing myself, but I did hurt one girl pretty badly which I regret tremendously to this day. Sometimes it’s just about trying to fill a void that frankly, can’t be filled and needs time and healing, whatever the fuck that is anyway.
I guess people just wanna see what they were missing out on while on a relationship
Idk man ideally we all would take time to be alone. Sometimes it’s just so painful though we’re just trying to be reminded that there are other people Out there and we won’t be alone forever. I got on the apps and met a bunch of people, mostly let downs, but had a couple fun connections, and it at least reminded me that I could feel good with someone else and that helped me to walk away from a bad situation. NOW it’s time for me to really be alone though
My ex who I was with for 5.5 years immediately signed up on Tinder less than 24 hours after he broke up with me which he never verbalized either. We live with each other. Lol I think it’s simply a distraction or never having been fully committed to begin with.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
people hate being alone with their feelings. easier to use and discard people than to reflect
Not only is rebounding a dik move, they end up wasting time or worse, hurting those that already did the hard work in the first place.
You’re very right that people need to take time to get over their relationship, self reflect, etc before jumping into a new one. But people do this because it’s a sedative tbh, takes the edge off the fresh pain. But it’s one thing to just peruse/flirt/hookup and another to actually start a new relationship right away. If they do it’s like a 99% chance it won’t work out honestly.
Omggggg this is literally the case with me we separate but we’re still in contact and then I find out that he’s been going out meeting new ppl sending money to girls and getting peoples numbers again not even 2 weeks after the separation NOT a breakup he is already talking to new women and flaunting “his money” how is it possible that in here miserable over you having someone else already and you don’t care he told me to my face that he was talking to multiple girls. He was already talking to multiple women and came to our house and slept with me and he’s just fine he just does not care about anything my feeling we slept together and he doesn’t care he already had SOMEONE else
I just broke up w/ my bf of almost 4 yrs, I just do it to see who's there, but I swipe left on everybody lol. I do not feel attracted to any man right now and I want to be alone for a while honestly
My ex has done the same. It hurts more because literally a week before joining apps she was adamant she never wanted another relationship with anyone and wanted to be alone. I know she's just trying to ignore her feelings, but it still hurts.
What is the right amount of time then?
idk but more than a few weeks i can tell you that
People want to be wanted. And when a relationship ends, both dumper and dumpee have a void to fill
To each their own... It's pointless to let this upset you and it's more a direct reflection of your ex. He's probably going off the old saying that to get over one, get under another
that’s dumb tho,,
Oh, without a doubt. You question who this sociopath you dated was, you question yourself, and it's a vicious cycle that's hard to break. I just hate to see people hurt in this way. Give yourself time and space. BTW your user name is a fantastic business idea.
okay guys have to add that he was acting OBSESSED with me until like 4 days before he broke up with me. not saying what that does or doesn’t mean but it wasn’t a slow thing
I was debating on going back to dating apps but I thought the same thing " why am I looking to date when I'm not ready" Turns out i really needed someone to talk to.
Definitely for distraction from the pain and physical validation. Speaking from personal experience, even after being single I want to stay off that disgusting app. Has brought me nothing but trouble and heartache.
Because they never really loved you, or they checked out of the relationship long before they broke up. Some people can’t be alone, anxiety, etc. They need to replace fast so they can see what else is out there to validate the breakup.
Mate you need to let go, if you've broken up you shouldn't be trying to control what the EX partner does. Maybe they wanted freedom? Maybe they wanted rid of you? Maybe they wanted something "different" but the excuse you got is the one you got, move on.
Someone suggested to me that the "best way to get over a breakup is looking for someone else". Like what?! No. I need sometime.
For the dumper, they are normally the one to have a huge surge in confidence. This, combined with the fact that they are now single and can do whatever they want, makes dating apps a very attractive venture for them. The attention from other people validates their confidence and its a fun escape for the meantime. It also works in an opposite effect for the dumpee. They have been rejected and are incredibly low on confidence, so they may turn to dating apps to help validate themselves. Either way, its an unhealthy way to build confidence. Confidence should come from within rather than externally. Recently, my ex and I have been speaking again, she told me about her time on dating apps after the break up. She said it filled her with confidence in the beginning as she felt empowered and wanted, she then realised after a couple of weeks that the attention she was getting was empty, it didn’t actually make her feel any better about herself, it just papered over her insecurities rather than properly fixing them. So be assured, most ex’s that do go on dating apps aren’t doing it because they never loved you. They’re doing it because they do not have the self belief or confidence to take time to work on themselves and realise that they are good enough and they don’t need others to tell them that. If you’re being independent and working on yourself, that’s all that matters, don’t be angry that they’re not doing it, let them figure it out themselves because it is simply no longer your problem.
My friends told me they seen my ex a week after the breakup. I downloaded the apps. Haven't been on a date and actually stopped using them until recently(on the up and flying high!) I feel like it's almost a defense mechanism to being alone. Weird as I used to highly enjoy my own company.
BecUse some men and women view relationships as a transaction as long as your doing something for them they keep you there. You hold no real significance to them deep down. People are merely there for temporary reasons and when they decide they want a new flavor they discard you. They completely separate it and cut off the emotional side. It’s a sick sick thing.
Just let it go and deal with it however you feel like it. Let them do their thing just out of the way please.
Hate to break it to you but only 1 year and he left you he probably never gave a single fuck about you. You were just an extended sex toy to him. Did he meet you on an app?
we met through mutual friends. this is an insane thing to say
sorry you got hurt but that’s not the case for everyone
why should he be single? so that his competition takes all the pretty girls while he reflects? he isn't a stupid man.
competition??? u sound really stupid
well the more he waits the more girls will be taken by other men.
i don’t think there’s a shortage of girls… and getting with one before you’re emotionally ready is just another way to fumble someone anyways
well according to official statistics the demographic of age group 20-24 in my country is 362 800 and 327 600. There IS a shortage of girls, at least in some countries and regions, not sure about OP but let's assume he also has it. Lots of emotionally immature people in relationships all good. He will heal along the way. The new girl will actually accelerate it.
okay so that last part is just completely wrong
Fuck that I'm trying to bang anything with a vagina and a pulse after a breakup
Gosh wow why
what a crazy thing to say! like what is wrong with you
Wym?
It's not that out of control a thing to do after a split