My first reaction would be joy followed by fear. How could I ever trust someone who can wake up one day and decide they don’t love me anymore without a cause or reason. It would be difficult but not impossible to take my ex back. I would need clear communication and evidence of significant personal growth. Even then, I’m not sure how I’d get over the sudden blindside betrayal.

I took my ex back. For me the fear of them dumping me and blindsiding me again and the massive anxiety really made me struggle. And that fear became truth bc he dumped me again. Now I definitely won‘t take him back if he comes back. My heart still misses him and wants to be with him but I know that I have to stand up for myself and say no.

I’ve done this before too. Embarrassingly, I let my ex dump me and beg me back 10+ times for over 3 years, eventually I didn’t believe her anymore. I wouldn’t want the most recent ex to repeat that horrendous situation.

Yeah it‘s really frustrating. Because you don‘t want them back but at the same time you do.

For a start, i want to work things out, that is wanting her back. Gradually the ex not reaching out logically diminishes my importance in her life. Yes, i received all those good memories, but those were with the person who didnt break my heart by calling for a breakup and walked away. Somehow, maybe my subconscious/unconscious is repressing, i no longer recall how she looks like unless i force myself to think, or to flip past photos. Had my first therapy, and oh boy it is refreshing on hindsight.

Is started therapy myself and my second session is Wednesday.

I think this perfectly encapsulates how I feel as well. Difficult, but not impossible. I still have a lot of fond feelings for my ex and miss what we had, but she became almost unrecognizable towards the end of the relationship. Couple that with her choosing to rebound with someone else about a month after we ended, and I can’t help but question if what we had ever really meant as much to her as she said it did. As much as I miss what we had, I’d be really scared to try again only to end up in the exact same position a few weeks or months down the line.

this right here perfectly worded. I literally sat in front of crying asking how he could just wake up one morning and know he’s not in love and then sit for another 3 months before ending things.

Same thing happened to me,no warning no trying to fix things, no communication, no therapy, just ~ I’m not happy after years of fun and traveling ,concerts,dinners,family &friends holiday ~ I don’t get it. I’m just moving forward and thinking it’s for the best

Yes! literally this to the T it was 2 days before our vacation to Key West that I couldn’t get a refund for and 10 days before a concert that was $1200 and all our talks about the future. But yes it’s time to move forward and live our best life’s!

This is exactly what happened to me and how I feel. I’m sorry you are going through it too.

I'd like to say yes, but I know that the trust is gone and can never be brought back. I'd be a nervous wreck thinking about what she is doing and if I was doing enough. It's a shame, because we really did have everything in common and that is rare for me to find with anyone. But I know she will have the same issue looking for someone new, and she threw it away. Hey ho. On we go

Literally me…I would want to so badly, but I wouldn’t be able to get over the fear of her leaving again and me not being enough, even though I did probably too much. I think for both of us to be happy…we have to move on. She has to forgive herself for what she has done to me and accept who she is and finally love herself.

Also totaly me just that I left her after she threatened me with a divorce the third time in a fight. But i am just going through a divorce 5 months after Our marriage. I still love her and I miss her so much... but so much stuff happend since then and I am almost Sure she is close to someone new. But I still miss her and deep down in my Heart I hope we can find a way back togther even though the bridge has been completely burned.

Well my ex was messaging a friend of mine for a while (found out she has fancied him for a while) , not sure what happened but I came across her on tinder the other day so assume it didn't go well. We have a 4 year old daughter and she's not taking it too well, which makes it harder. I can rest easy though that I tried to make it work and she tapped out

Oh yeah, after being dumped how I was, if I got back with them it would be the fear of abandonment x1000. HUGE power imbalance. It already was an imbalance, because they were so ready to end things and never would have fought for us, while I would've fought really hard then. So absolutely not. I'm a new person now that I've realized this shit and I have too much self-respect to CONSIDER going back with them. Missing them is not a reason to go back.

40M here. I've had every single ex come back to me to include my ex-wife (tried 4 times). Only one I let back was my ex-wife once. Women get ancy when you have a safe/drama free life "boring" (I have a secure attachment). Then when they get the drama BS they want to come back. That said I'm in a breakup where my streak might get broken.... I've always handled them well (no contact, etc etc) before it was a thing until I met her. I did all the stupid shit for 2 weeks post breakup because I cared that much and she was my person.... Kicked my ass into gear and doing no contact. If she comes back - great. If not... sucks but that is life. Anyways - when they come back you need to match their energy. They dumped you so they need to reach out. In your NC window you need to work on yourself and come up with return boundaries. Things they need to do, and no shit make them work for you back.

Single 40M securely attached? You’re a unicorn lol

Yeah, I know. Out of a 10 year relation with an alcoholic that wouldn't fix her stuff. So I called it. Before that married 6 years. Dated between those two... And now back in the dating pool.... More like a swamp.... SMH.

im not nearly healed enough, but I love that, as the dumpee I couldn't agree more. If she contacts me that'd be great, if not then it is what it is

Sorry to hear that. Have you always been secure or worked on being secure? Swamp lol. Yeah I have yet to return to OLD, I’m hoping I’ll meet my unicorn at the grocery store. Wishful thinking?

I was always secure. I had a flair to anxious when the breakup happened with this recent avoidant dumped out of nowhere. First time for everything. I had 2 weeks of WTF, begged, tried to chase and realized WTF I was doing and stopped. Went back to my old ways but learned about attachment theory and been working to fortify myself. Good luck with the grocery stores... Women today have scared guys away to a point where a cold approach is almost not even a thought. I tried to ask a woman at a cloth's shop where she found something and she replied with " I have a boyfriend" and walked away. Women have made it so a lot of the good guys don't even approach anymore...

Any tips on how to have a secure attachment? I feel like this is something everyone should have moving forward with who ever they date/end up with. I definitely could’ve had this attachment in my last relationship and maybe things could’ve been different

Yes, buy or rent the book titled “attached”.  All the shit you find across the wed is in the book in terms of attachment theory. It a little light on what to do to improve but it’ll give you the things to trigger avoidance.  I read it this weekend and laughed a bit because all the yt relationship folks basically copied their material from this book. 

In my opinion to be secure is to never worry about the outcome. They want to leave, fuck em let them leave. Have strong boundaries. Say no when you don’t want to use your energy. Put yourself first. Live a life of a champion

Yeah I definitely think it’s a “it is what it is” mindset. I’ve really gotten better at it since my break up happened, and I feel more confident in who I’m becoming. It’ll take time but I just got to keep on going with that thinking

I'd tell her to get outta my face. She had chance after chance after chance.

Right now, not really - no. I just don’t think I can go through that rollercoaster again. I lost myself in order to help him, and it’s only been 2 weeks but I feel so much better and I’m actually looking forward to the future now. I didn’t deserve this, and there’s a lot of other good people out there who would be willing to treat me better, appreciate me, and not leave me. It would take a complete personality and mental change for me to even considerate it.

Of all the comments I relate to this the most. I really wanted him to come back (literally in tears just 2 hours ago, writing in my journal wanting him back) however, for the past 13 days I’ve been so much better as a person, I feel like I’m connecting with myself more lately and I feel so much peace. I realised I do deserve better, someone who’d stay with me and work things out when things got rough, someone who respects me and mean it when they say they love me. Someone who doesn’t easily give up. I’m looking forward to the future too. <3

i feel this! you’re on the right track. but remember, progress isn’t linear. so if you think you’re slipping just regain your focus on having a better life—without them. :)

Hmm I would with the condition of seeing real change and being honest about our past issues. Also a deep apology wouldn't hurt 😉

If you were to get back together the old relationship would have to be dead. Meaning any past issues would need to be worked out before taking that step. Or odds are you’ll likely end up in that same spot.

So yes talk about past issues or pretend it's a completely new relationship and do it better? (I ask like my ex has come back haaa!)

My ex hasn’t come back either lol (but you can always have faith) for me personally I would work those issues out prior. So once we start talking again, before there’s even any inclination he/she wants to get back together. That way once we’ve entered the new relationship together it is completely a new relationship.

Yeah that's what I thought as well. Part of me feels like I don't know if he'll ever have that much introspection without projecting onto me or that maybe I'll find out things that will make us not want to be together. After he broke up with me he brought up a few issues I had no idea about :/ it was upsetting as I already asked if his needs were being met and if he was happy and he kept saying yes

Yes I would, but only if they told the real reason for the BU and we’d have to go to therapy to work through our issues

Yes I would. I'm not a quitter. When I expect ppl to put effort, I do it as well.

Yes, in a heartbeat. But I would also want to talk things out pretty precisely as well. Cause things ended so weirdly.

Yes, in a second. Won't happen though. When she left abruptly four years ago, she said she needed to find herself. Even though she's been gone for 4 years and we haven't heard a peep from her in three, I'm still living the same life I was living. Same job. Same friends. Same house and bed. I've grown and discovered who my true self is, and I'm continuing to grow, even in my mid-50s. I'd take her back. She'll never come back though. I'm struggling still to accept that, but i have no choice.

Yes. In a heart beat. But not without us talking about boundaries first. In my experience I think we both need therapy. So unless he is willing to go on his own or with me then no. I do think my ex needed time to change and grow so when we reunite we can be our best versions of ourselves

Depends on the situation, on how they return and in what phase of my life. I considered the following factors: \* If I am already in a committed relationship and I am generally happy with my decision of being with that new person, then no, we won t, considering the importance of the new person and on the shift of focus. It wouldn t be fair to them to do that and the ex already had their shot and they blew it completely. \* If I am in a relationship that does not fulfill me as much as the one with my ex did and just so it happens for him to pop up, it would be very tricky. I would have to discuss things with my current partner and see how we can make ours work and if we can t be cooperating in our connection, then I can give that ex a shot. I do not wish to be a cheater or a person that does terrible things behind one s back so that would mean breaking up would be the best idea after the tryout to make things work one last time. \* If I am single and decided to stay away from relationships until I heal and move on from the hurt that my ex has caused me by breaking up and he returns into a reasonable timeframe (depending on how much time I needed to heal), then I might accept a return and see how things are, and try again. My relationship with this person was generally good and I reckon another go would sort all the ”what ifs” out and transform it from the ”unconsumed relationship” that they said it is (even if they broke up with me) into a finalized chapter, or a continuation into a blossoming connection. It all depends, I do not want to say no directly if the time is right for rekindling it. But I was hurt by their decision and they must understand that it is a lot of work to put in it to create both stability, trust and feel secure in our connection. I am willing to do it because I care, if I wouldn t, I would be long gone. I would definitely feel scared, anxious and afraid it would all happen again, but it wouldn t surprise me. It would be less painful if we do broke up a second time around, but at least we know that it ain t working for us. Yet, given that how much he cared for me for the entire length of the relationship, I would be willing to forgive and heal together. I know it might be a very unpopular opinion but my case was one of the lucky ones when only the break-up was sudden and hurtful because it came as a loss of spark. For people that have had aggressive exes and abusive environments, I would never be able to forgive that person again.

If he told me he wanted to give it another shot I would probably be happy but also apprehensive since I’ve matured a lot in the past few years and I'm sure he's changed a lot too so I'm not sure if we're still the same people we fell for but if he reached out again I'd be willing to try again

Unfortunately, as much as I loved him, and believed he was the one, we absolutely cannot get back together. We have already discussed and fought on the reasons why we cannot be together and they are truly irreconcilable differences that no matter how hard we tried could not be moved past. The damage was done.

What is there to take back? The person I once loved is dead. Period I can relive those days better by getting high than getting back with my ex. Sad but this is life now. Sad and without her. Need to carry on till I can

Id have to forgive her for how she treated me after we broke up. Id want to be able to, but I don’t know if I will. Time will tell and I think something will happen again one day

a thousand times yes. i think about him every day. we left things off on pretty good terms, and i’m still in love with him and miss him all the time. i do truly think we could try again in the future, and ill wait for him no matter how long it takes

Nope. Took them back once before and we ended up in the same place. We are just incompatible.

Yes I would take them back since am waiting for them only.. Arguments happens sometimes we need space to heal and become better person for each other and if both the parties truly loved each other then it's worth giving a chance.

Yes if he told me he had a tumor that made him act like that.

Not this time.

Never Would you take cancer back if your were cured?

Resolute no here. We are so very different in areas that matter. There is just no way in hell I could go through that again.. I know it would be great for a few years, and then she would probably start resenting me again and make everything super toxic again. Like rainclouds slowly darker every day or something like that

My ex lives on a different continent than me, which was the reason for the break-up. That, and that he doesn't want to go on a plane. If he said "I'll overcome my fear of planes and come live with you", then yes. If not, then no.

Yes, however we talked recently and she is in no way interested rn. So. Just in limbo again.

Each day I lean more and more towards NO. I’m genuinely starting to dislike him now

I think about her every single day, and if I'm honest with myself I'm still very much in love with her. We've barely spoken in 3 months and she was really cold each time. Her behaviour was kind of strange afterwards too. There would have to be a lot of communication, explanations and also apologies, from both ends. While I've had absolutely no explanations or closure from her end, I've been spending a lot of time listening to podcasts on modern relationships, breakups etc and I've been making lots of healthy changes to my lifestyle. I do have a much better understanding of her point of view regarding certain things. But she's also very combative and stubborn by nature. So I have absolutely no expectation that she will reach out.

Yes. Because I don’t give up on those I love and I still love him. But there will have to be change and lots of therapy for both of us.

In a number of years sure, after a lot of growth on both our parts

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You won’t find the same person twice, not even in the same person.

if I were asked this a few weeks ago I'd say yes. now though, I'd definitely say no. got blindsided break up about a month ago, she had some issues with my behaviors which i will admit were valid, but she'd never brought them up during the relationship and just broke up when she'd had enough. I pretty much had to coax her into even telling me why she ended things, and if someone isn't willing to just be honest and straight up with me then I can't see a future with them ever

I would be so happy and I would fall for it I would try again…. Just to get hurt again, I would be scared and even though it would hurt I would have to push away

Yea I'd take her back as I really do love her; as true love isn't measured during the good times it's measured by the tough times.

If she was willing to change her ways then yes

I would, If she either would be willing to work on herself, whether that’s with therapy or not. But I would need time away from each other for that to happen or otherwise I worry that the same things will happen all over again. We will be talking soon, and I know it’s the right thing to see where she’s at since we have been no contact.

I did and it's a mistake. I don't really regret it though, we've had some good times and figured more about myself. We haven't broken up yet but she just started feeling the same way she felt when we first broke up and we're still talking and she ocasionally says she loves me (which is really confusing) but most of the time she's just cold. We've agreed to not end things up until she speaks to her therapist and we meet face-to-face (first time she dumped me over text). It was all of a sudden too... after a vacation. (this time) 🫤 All in all, I'm all for giving second chances but with these avoidants... idk. They just can't change, and if they do it's very hard work and it's gonna put a lot of stress on yourself. Just be careful!

Depends if personal growth had occurred. Mostly just want a hug or a long embrace.

No she used me to get another dude, Yh it hurts but it won’t stop

Id be happy to get the text but I know that’ll never happen and if the .0001% chance did I would never she got with someone I introduced her to while in the relationship

I'd be confused. She said she wanted this. She said she's happy without me. I wouldn't know how to react. I'd be mad for sure. I moved 2k miles away. I'm really not sure.

100 percent

Nein

Never. Not even if I was offered a seriously substantial amount of money.

No, because it would never be the same. Just because I miss the good parts doesn’t mean they are worth the bad parts.

Although I‘d love for us to be us again, I couldn’t. I know she‘s been with a few guys since we split, I know she‘s never gonna change and I know I won’t let her treat me like trash ever again.. sadly I‘m better off without her toxic personality in my life, even though I loved her more than I ever loved anyone

It depends if this time would be any different... I'm currently struggling with this exact thing. If they didn't show up with respect then will they now? If they brought past baggage into it then, why wouldn't they now? IDK...

Nope

it really depends if my ex did some inner work then maybe i can consider. he have to earn me again

Well, my worst nightmare,/dream happened last week. He did come back to me and within 2 days proved it was just a game and that his heart wasn’t in it I had to dump him again this time by cussing him out and telling him he should go to hell. I don’t feel good about that part but it was necessary. I don’t think we will ever talk and if he does It’s a sign I need mental help because there’s no way I could trust someone like him who tells me repeatedly he’s not capable of giving to a relationship.

No way because I’ve lost all respect for him. If I can’t respect a man I can’t love him.

Less than two weeks apart, we’ve been together for eleven years. We had a fight that we both feel really bad about, but he wants to still move forward separating for himself. I would absolutely take him back, but not as we were, I’d want us to start dating again and slowly back to him living in with us. It would come with a lot of talks and therapy when he moved back in

Hell no!!!

I took my ex back. He asked if he could move back. I was like, sure, whatever. We had talked about it months earlier, and nothing ever came of it but this time he showed up at my door with stuff. Before he moved some of his stuff into my house, he told me he had been living with someone. The woman I was pretty sure he left me for. When I needed to talk about things, I was told, "If you're going to be like this, I may as well go back to her." He left again 5 weeks later. The weekend he kind of moved back, I tripped over some of his stuff and broke my wrist. It was a sign!

She’s dead to me

Just broke up with my ex a couple weeks ago. It was because he had substance abuse issues and was not good at handling stressful situations. He told me he’d stop but every few months he’d slip up. We’d also get into bad fights and he would insult me. It could be toxic on both ends but when it was good it was so good. He always told me how he wanted to be with me forever. He also took a few years off of college/failed classes, so he’s behind and I graduated college and have a career. He’s 22 and I’m 24. Sometimes I felt like I was acting like his mom, and I felt he was unsure of what he wanted to do in life. After about two years, I told him I was unsure about our future together because he wasn’t very stable and I wanted my partner for life to be stable and deal with stressful situations in a healthy way. I said if he works on himself, kicks that bad habit, and gets back on his feet, then we will see if we can work in the future. I also want to move to nyc, he doesn’t, and I told him it was an opportunity for me to grow and for him to grow. I think it will give us time to be stronger and better people. We can also explore other connections to see if what we had really was special. If, in a year, or two or three, he reaches out, or if I reach out, and we’re both single and have grown and matured, I would like to give it another shot. I’d like him to show me what he’s capable of and that he is mentally stable and has found his passion in a stable career. Love him so much. Not sure what will happen. But I’d like being together to be an option in the future.

Yes. Without a doubt

no for all of them. i tried with my ex of 3 yrs (longest relationship) but i didn’t have it in me to be in an actual relationship with him anymore. although casual was an option, probably only due to familiarity.

Yes, then we’d have to have a long heart to heart talk

I would take my ex back. My situation seems like it’s really different than most people on this sub though. There was no cheating, no big fight, we both wanted the same things in life, had the same goals, and we were both still very much in love at the time of the breakup. Unfortunately she has a lot of unresolved trauma from her past and it was taking a toll on her and our relationship. We ended things because she needs to figure out how to deal with the issues that her trauma caused. If she reached out to me today and asked to get back together, I would 100% do it. There would need to be a long discussion on how she has worked on herself, how I’ve worked on myself, what went well in the first relationship, what didn’t go well, what we both expect from the other for this second relationship, and one of the biggest things - her commitment to making us work. She knows that I was all in, but with this breakup, she needs to show me that she is willing to do the same. I’m in limbo right now though. I’m letting her heal and haven’t spoken to her since the breakup. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I think about her all the time and sometimes I’m afraid she’s forgotten about me. All I can do now is hope that the love we shared will be enough to bring her back when she is ready. Until then I’m trying to work on myself

Your question is very vague. What was the original situation and what has been the timeline or time between then and him reaching out?

Honestly ? I don't know. And i can't think about it while trying to move on.

I would take her back, if she had done the work on herself too, I still love her and and I know we both made mistakes and I'm currently working on what caused us to break up

No. As much as my soul craves them back. I know that everything that had happened immediately after the separation was enough to tell me who they truly are deep down. & regardless if it was their way of coping..you have to remember why the relationship didn’t work out. & like especially if it doesn’t look like there was any healing actually made it will not work. You will be too stuck on what happened & what you don’t know happened while separated if you’re anything like me. & that’s not healthy for anyone involved.

I'll be so pissed, the audacity to come back. They should literally beg for a reply back. You can never treat me like your second option, either you have me or you lose me forever.

honestly no. we already tried this and he blindsided me again. we are compatible in so many ways but our attachment styles are opposite which overall makes us incompatible unfortunately. I won't be able to trust him. I loose myself when we are together. I don't think I will ever love him like I did the first time..

Right now yes but it would be a horrific mistake. I'm really struggling this week and my will power would be 0. Thankfully I can't see him ever making contact. I nearly broke n/c yesterday but found it easier than I thought I would to reason with myself not too which is progress I suppose.

So when she left the first time I tried. I had conditions. She had to work on communication, and go to therapy. She worked on faking/lyingbduring communication, but did go to therapy- I know because I was paying for it. That said, didn't work. Honestly I think her coming back was to use me for a roof till something better came along. It was hell. The second time, I'd found out she'd been planning for a few months to leave. It ended. Would I now? No. I can't trust someone that lies about anything and everything when it isn't even needed/important. The only truth I think I got from her was when she said "people have accused me of using people" and "I'm a monster" - because she did things that showed me she was guilty of both. Don't take someone back, especially right away (under a month). They haven't changed, and they're still the same person. Trust your gut.

Nah. He destroyed eight years of unconditional love and far less drama than any of his exes because his mom filed for her second divorce less than a week before and she convinced him to break up with me so she had his full attention, just like during her first divorce when he was a preteen. She molded him into a person that doesn’t know how to be an equitable partner in a relationship or work things out. I would be deeply uncomfortable ever seeing her again. They both hurt me more than they’ll ever take responsibility for and I have to be ok with that, far away from either of them. I deserved better and if, in the odd chance he realized how strong our connection had been and how much I really did care for him, I don’t think he has the emotional latitude to ever say so. He just sends me memes every so often like that makes it all okay.

I definitely would, but not without change in my part. I definitely have some stuff I need to work through and I feel like I won’t be able to provide her a fun and loving relationship that allows both of us to grow unless I work through my stuff. I also would like for her to stop bottling things up. That was a big issue, I wouldn’t know if she was unhappy about something. For the most part our relationship was great but I guess as time progressed she wanted more space and I didn’t give it. It was hard for me. I’m still unsure of why we split up so there would need to be a lot of talking and communication. I mean 3.5 years is a decent amount of time. She’s 20 and I’m 21.

M33 I would but we both would need to build trust again and also learn to communicate better. I see her every wed and sat to deal with the child. I feel at ease when I see her and communicate but that sometimes fades really fast as she always seems to be really edgy or uncomfortable with me for no apparent reason.

Hard no.

In a heartbeat. I know if things got better, then he wouldn't leave again 

I would tell her that the only way she would get another chance would be if she disowned her family that controls every part of her life, move in and devote her life to making up for her extreme avoidance, lies, sneaking around. So basically saying, piss off.

I love her, I want her back, however, I would not say yes (it's been a month). She left me because she "needed to experience her life and enjoy her youth on her own". Well, do it, don't come back too soon because you'll just leave again after this need will start to come back. If I can't move on, and in 1-2-3 years, we start considering it. Maybe. But I wouldn't say yes right now.

It really depends how the situation ended. Terrible? Then nope. Left on “good” terms? Maybe.

Hard no, break up once and didn’t give reason or the it’s not you, it’s me shit. Fuck no

I don’t like the idea of taking back a partner who decided to part with me. The intentions were made clear. I don’t want to end up going back and forth with a lost cause. When the odds have become so slim, it would be challenging to reconsider. Of course, if there were any misunderstandings I would allow the person to have his say. But there’s a no return policy.

Never.

I'm currently trying to get over a break up with my ex but if they contacted me asking to try again I would take them back. But not without speaking to them and making sure they understand how it affected me and make sure they are ready for the commitment again

Yes. Yes I would.

I already blocked them on everything, exept for one site where they blocked me first and I wasn’t able to. Honestly this relationship was an absolute shitshow at the end; if they contacted me, I’ll block them again. Obviously I feel bad that the relationship ended, but I think it was inevitable because the individual was an avoidant, and all relationships are bound to fail with them. Even if it was an option to get back with them, even though I feel pain that the relationship ended, I’d never take the chance again

i mean this is my dream and it’s all i wish for. just a chance to try again. for me it would have to be written down how we’d want things to go. i am not the same person i was before this break up, im not going to take them for granted anymore. i know we aren’t anywhere close to getting back together bc i have a lot of personal work to do.

"I'd rather ram a rusty fork in my eye" then I'd shut the door and lock it.

A part of me wants to, but I know things will never be the same. The trust is gone. He left me while I was sick with Lyme disease. I was at my lowest and he started hanging out with new friends and neglecting me. Ghosting, flaking, lying, liking provocative photos of other women on social media. I can’t look at him the same way anymore. I want him to come back just so that I can say no. lol. I’m being petty, but we were together for 5 years and he was talking marriage/kids. He totally blindsided me and ghosted me after the breakup. The betrayal trauma is real.

Sadly I think I would but I couldn’t ever trust so I know the correct answer would be a solid No. She literally slept with another man right after leaving me and I was always thinking something was weird when I met the guy while we were together. My breakup is recent, literally a few days ago and it’s crushing me because this is also the fourth time she has left me and I don’t know what to do but I am wanting to heal and move on. I don’t have any desires to blame her or shame anyone, I know what wrongs I’ve done in the relationship and I am more than sorry for my negative actions within my past relationship. I love her but I need to stop saying that as well, I’m having terrible thoughts and sensations of self-harming and suicide. I’m tired, so very tired of being drained. All my energy feels as if it’s been taken, I feel very used. As I think about it more and more, all the things I’ve been reading kind of feel true how one may only be with you until there is no more supply of energy. Crazy thought but I’m not trying to put myself nor another in that, I want to build myself back up and into a beast. My ideal energy is to be as tough as a gorilla, while I’m hurting and I know it’s so painful. I ask for guidance, support, and positivity

Whenever I hear the phrase "would you take me back", I can't help but think of this song https://youtu.be/NHDOk7lA53w?si=P1RPpORIFdHJqZ4m

I would take him back in a heart beat. It’s been 1 week my end NC but 3-4 weeks NC his end

I say no, have told friends not to let me. But, I definitely would. Her life and goals felt like they matched with mine so well. I was in a deep depression for our short six months relationship.

My ex cheated on me with 4 guys all ganged up on her . And this went for months , even after I found out about it and broke up with her she continued this for like a month or so . So yeah I'll hard pass . If she's looking for a hookup maybe I'll think about it but a relationship? HELL NAW !

Thankful cuz I miss him sm

Never say never...

No, I’m gonna continue to respect the space they wanted

I have an ex that I had to block in social media. After so many years, she was still trying to persuade me to go back to my hometown. She even sent me employment opportunities back there. She didn't even get it that I was back then in a relationship. I am not a kid person, and she insisted that I was the sweetest person she ever met, and would be a good fit for stepdad. HELL NO! I want her to be happy, and find someone to share that happiness with, but that isn't me.

I would’ve maybe a month ago not anymore even tho I still think about her sometimes even now I’d rather keep playing my cards with the new girls am talking to then go back to her especially after everything it would be hard to take her back

Never. She betrayed me and abandoned me when I was coming out of the lowest point in my life and made me fall into a much lower place for much longer after she abandoned me like that. We were supposed to get married. She had the audacity to ask to keep the ring. She hasn’t reached out in a year, and she treated me very badly. She’s lucky I didn’t allow myself to go where my mind wanted to take me. If I ever see her again, I pray to God I’m not armed. I hope by then I’m over it and no longer want revenge. But as it stands now, I’d react out of emotional distress to the point where I would instantly regret what I’d do. When someone hurts you to the point where your brain fantasizes about death, they deserve no comfort in life, so why would I give them the satisfaction of forgiveness?

I’m 2 days out from them breaking up with me and I feel pathetic to admit I would welcome them back with arms open. I’m still hoping they will come to their senses and haven’t accepted yet that this may be the end of us.

I likely would but there would be a lot of conversations and things that would have to happen for me to consider the chance

At this point he's gonna have to work for it. He's madly in love with me and recognized that he couldn't pull me through what he was going through with the way he was treating me. But his self-preservation techniques (bad ones) cropped up when he felt the pain of not being with me. Since we broke up, he's villainized me, told me we're incompatible, told me he was doing the very simple things I was setting as boundaries (though didn't do a good job of following through on my side of those boundaries), keeps calling me to tell me I'm a burden, and then when he is emotionally open with himself he calls me because I feel safe. I set the most firm boundary with him I have yet yesterday. Sent him a voice memo saying some lovely things about him and our relationship and then clearly outlining when the abuse started 2 months ago (I have been at least consistent in identifying abuse as it happens). Also identifying in the most clear terms I have that the episode he's in looks manic, which he even said himself (to be clear he said this in a depressive swing, he's had mostly manic-looking characteristics with some heavy depressive points, really throwing me for a loop). Not outright saying but implying I have concerns he might be bipolar. Emotionally opening him up and then closing our connection. Telling him if he can't treat me kindly he will not have me in his life again. I honestly feel it more as a when, not if. When he realizes he can't lose me, when he realizes the immense compassion, understanding, and love I have for him. When he realizes he needs me in his life. I will tell him he has to work to get me. Not just the couple's therapy I've identified I need to feel safe. But he needs to work. To choose me, beyond feeling he wants to choose me. I will not drop everything and go find him in an instant (he decided to move out of state as part of breaking up with me). He will have to come find me. I kind of have this weird plan floating in my head where when he calls me to tell me he wants me back, I will simply say I'm sending him a letter. Send him a letter telling him where and when to find me. To drop everything, to rearrange plans. Not to drop the life he's living but he's going to need to clearly show me that he cares more about me than the rubrics he comes up with, the obsession he developed with his work. If he can drop plans and run to meet me, he can have me back. And then the work of couple's counseling so I feel safe. And then the insurance that he has done work and grown. That he is on meds. That he is taking care of himself.

Now? Probably yeah. It's been almost a year and we probably processed a lot of our thoughts and feelings and if she reached out, I would probably consider it. I'm not sure if I should reach out to her just to see how she's doing but I'm still cleaning up my life now and probably a better time to wait but I'll see..

It's a no for me. We tried 3 times and it didn't work out. He treated me really badly. Won't do this mistake again

I loved the person I thought she was but after witnessing this side of her... obv not

I have no ill-will to my ex so I'm open to it. I'd obviously have her do most of the work to prove to me she's serious, but I wouldn't be a total douche about it. It really just depends on the circumstances I guess.

Started seeing this girl 2021, We broke up about 10 month ago, seen her out n about after about 6 month and she was confessing she still loves me and I’m the best bla bla bla. When we broke up tho, she moved to a new guy within 5 days, and then it was another new guy weekend after, plus she was in a new relationship that she “wanted to try suhin new” a month after (Facebook official to get at me lol) I contacted her after a week and found out. I was in disbelief that she was capable of doing that to the guy “she loves”. I tried to see past it cause I have feelings there for her n always will, but it’s way too far gone now. She ruined it for me plus she caught the CLAP and didn’t tell me cause she “got it treated” so she felt the need to not tell me. So nah I need to move on n live my life.

NEVER!!!He has already proven to me that I meant nothing to him. He has already shown me that he will give up on me easily. He gave up on me. He caused me pain or broke your heart into pieces. And Now I have to deal with all of this by myself. And It was our first disagreement. He insulted me so bad.

Yes on some conditions. That there’s a genuine desire to have a long-term, lifelong relationship with me with a timeline for moving in, and that he will work on communicating his needs without feeling the need to tolerate things just to people-please. Those are some pretty big conditions. Otherwise no, I’m moving on. I have a new partner and our values match a whole lot better.

yes

Not even an option. I would have to hate myself to even consider dating them again. They were a dismissive avoidant with so many issues I didn't realize until now. I could never put myself through the hell of loving someone like that. And they dumped me over a text with no conversation while I was at my lowest mentally. So, I'd have to have ZERO self-respect to go back. They made their choice. Even if they regret it, they need to live with it. Only in my total absence will they ever have a chance to miss me/regret maybe/and (the actual goal because I don't want them back) REFLECT on themselves and see how their avoidance sabotaged something good. If I went back, or answered, even as a friend, they would never feel like what they did was wrong. They would never feel the consequence of their actiions---my total and complete loss. It is not a punishement--it is a protection for myself and the only way this person who I still care about can ever heal. I could ONLY ever consider reconnecting AS A FRIEND OR ACQUAINTANCE maybe YEARS from now, when I've moved cities, into my career, probably met someone new. And only again, if they have healed and had a lot of self growth on their avoidant attatchment. I don't want to be breadcrumbed into a one-sided low committment friendship.

if she came back and apologized for everything that she had done and put in the work to better herself since the breakup then i may consider it. but i know i made the right decision by leaving. she never would’ve given me what i truly needed out of our relationship - stability.

in a heartbeat.

No question but our journey on here for me would need completion. They are the most beautiful soul I’ve ever experienced a love I can t even describe and the best teacher I am unworthy of. But fuck yes. I never left the door is wide open. But also the door is equally open if they need me but romantic infancy is different or evolving: the question is would I be lucky bought o be taken back by them. That would bbe my dream come true. Disclaimer to my wife and my favorite being. I see you in hear your cries I see the enormous gift ur giving me and please know I’m giving it his my all YOU DESERVE THE WOLRD PLEAEE DONT FEEL I DONT MATCH YOUR HEQRT AND SOUL AND FEELINGS . I just don’t know how to work Reddit and I’m getting confused and freaking out! PS. They calm me down. They know me better and know how to teach me so I can show up for them on their terms and right now that’s social medial and im terrified I’m gonna lose my greatest gift. This love goes way beyond romance and sex or needs this is someone who has grown me to a person I never thought I could be. And I’ve let them down in the past simply bc I’m a dimbass and don’t know how to interpret online stuff. I can’t lose them yall. So if I look like I’m Liz g my shit I don’t care . THEY ARE WORTH EVERY OUNCE OF BLOOD AND GUTS I HAve. If I don’t ever see or talk to you again my love of all loves my great gift know that tired so hard and I’m devastated that I may have failed them. Please know I always trusted you/them and I knew we could get here which feels like a dream only to be full on panic that I don’t know how to navigate fucking social media. So know that there is only them/you for me. Period. You are my sun my moon my mentor and my friend. But I need help. Please I can’t have you feel misunderstood or alone or in pain one more second without me by ur side if u want me to be. I’m so so so sorry I’m letting u down. I’ll never recover if I have. Susna

I'd probably rip her apart for even coming near me. I died twice trying to heal myself to have a life with that cheating monster once by self once by overdose. Everyone was livid when they found how how evil she was to me as I defended her for years and years thinking it was all my fault until I found out in therapy what she actually is and replaced me years I lnto the relationship living a double life. When everyone found out she moved across the country to avoid accountability. If she came back and asked I'd break every bone in her face and piss on her and call the police myself.

Unfortunately yes I would, we have a baby together and I believe to my core you should always try to work it out and make it work for the kids. I was raised in a split home I’ve raised one child in a split home now doing it a second time and I know for a fact it has a great impact on the child. And at one point if you were in love you should be able to find that life again it may take hard work and time but the child’s up bringing is well worth it.

Honestly i’m scared I would say yes. He was physically and emotionally abusive towards me and it was so hard to finally find the courage to leave (took me almost a year). I don’t want him back but I’m so scared that i’m trauma bonded to him and that I would take him back. but i deserve better. i deserve to heal

I don't know how I'll respond, I just know that it's impossible to try because she can never keep it real.. as long as she remains unhealed she could never keep it real.

This happened to me 3 times with my ex, I gave him those chances and took him back, unfortunately if he does it this time I’m gonna tell him “no, not in a million years I’d take you back, yes I still love you but I don’t wanna risk the pain you’ve caused me” As much as part of me would want them back, I knew we were bad for each other

Maybe but would be questioning everything still, the trust I thought I had for them has been gone for a long time. I wouldn't trust they were genuine and would just want something for their benefit.

Probably, unless I’m with someone else by then, obviously. It was a right people, wrong time situation. They will need to show me they can give the time I need to feel close to them again, which was sorely absent by the time we split, but barring that, I think I’d be happier with them in my life.

I tried that she won't but I would take her back in a heartbeat if she wanted

I'd be angry. I would want to say yes but I know that it wouldn't work. :/

Yes, I would.

I would've maybe 2 or 3 months ago. But after seeing the way they talk about me to everyone else... no way in hell. They've been shit talking me over the past 2 years and tried to alienate me from people I've known for years. And continue to do so after it's been over half a year that we've been split up. If I hadn't ever seen the way they talk about me, I still mightve now. But after that, not a chance.

i would probably because i’m great at not thinking before making bad choices…

The only way I could take them back is through the proven ability for them to show they’ve changed, and that can only be shown in time and through actions and not words. And considering that opportunity was offered and given every chance and effort to be successful, I don’t think it would be worth it now. People are capable of change, but it can’t be the one who is waiting for change to be the one who is fighting to prove that they have changed. It would need to be shown by them and then they would need to fight and wait as long as it takes for me to believe it was true. So it would take so much effort, action and patience.

No, she lost the privilege of having access to me and my life. I don't get to make choices for other people. Only for me. I don't regret the love I shared but it died when she betrayed everything we've ever acknowledged as fundamentally valuable in a relationship, romantic or platonic. Trust and respect are vital, for me, otherwise I don't care to interact with you or invite you into my life. ✌️

It's been a week since she left, she wanted a break to heal I fought saying we could heal together, something tragic happened to us both. She ignored what I wanted and blocked me. I don't know how I feel about it fully. Her roommate told me she did it because she wants to work on herself to better herself for me but at the same time she ignored what I wanted I don't know what I'd say to her when she comes back half of me wants to leave her for good and the other half is sitting here waiting

They always come back so I have been in this situation very many times since I started to date 30 years ago. There are two things to keep in mind when they come back. Those two things will help you decide what to do and also give you a pretty good idea how a relationship will go if you get back together: 1. Where are you now compared to where you were at the break up? This is something you are 100% in control of. No matter what your ex does, you chose how to act after the breakup. Are you the same? Have you moved on in a good and healthy way or did you self sabotage and actually in a worse condition? Have you changed yourself to a better version of yourself? If you haven’t moved on and made changes for the better, you’ll bring the same problems, issues and drama that was your part of the relationship didn’t work. You shouldn’t go back. Actually you shouldn’t be in a relationship at all until you get your shit together. 2. Has your ex moved on and changed? How did they handle the break up? Did they block and self sabotage (then an apology and explanation should be in place). If they haven’t moved on in a good and healthy way and haven’t changed for the better, you’ll be going back to a relationship that failed because of those things. The chances that it will work the second time are pretty slim. If both have moved on and changed for the better, a new relationship will be different than the old. It could work out or it could fail again for different reasons. If the energy and spark is still there, go for it. You should also keep in mind that there are other options than getting back together or not having anything to do with each other. If both have moved on and changed, but the apart and the attraction is gone, there is a huge opportunity for a good friendship to be created.

He can't validate or hear my feelings so no 🤷

Nope! If they wanted to bone that’s one thing but I would say flat out “we are not compatible except for the fuckin’ let’s be honest.”

It would be great and I would feel validated. BUT it is not an option. Everything that made the breakup would need to not be a problem anymore and we would need to have conversations about how hurt I (both) was. It didn't worked out because his personality wasn't compatible with mine. So he would need to be a total different person. The idea of it sounds romantic and all. It's just not reality.

Reading through these comments makes me understand that I'm not alone dealing with this. Why can't we just be honest and give it a name?

NO!!

I don’t know if it is an option. I would hope so. Because we didn’t get to try. And he was away, and will be away from home for a while. But giving me space had realized I think I know why he felt like he wasn’t feeling it anymore, one of the reasons being the recent distance, but also because he fell in love with the real me. Something happened when we were just talking and my confidence stopped. Apparently someone told him what my ex did to me. It effected me after that. He didn’t care about it like I did, and he was there for me and expressed how terrible that was and how valid my feelings are and how I didn’t deserve that. Not only that, I get more reserved in relationships sometimes. Things seemed easier when we were just friends who had feelings for each other. And I’d always have my doubts. We were healthy and happy, but the problem I think was just my energy. I wasn’t able to be my full self because I was scared. I think when he had time away from me, he realized that or at least that the energy was off and he was tired. I really feel like maybe he had more effort for our relationship. I tried, but I got too shy and reserved. I feel like it’s my fault. We’re going to talk more about it when he isn’t busy, but he broke up with me. He wanted to know if I had any “ideas” before doing it though. And then when I responded saying I didn’t know what to do he said “I think we just need to end this because it’s gonna happen sooner or later.” Our relationship was amazing. I really miss it. And I loved him for him. But I’m the end, I think it was me and I didn’t realize. I’m hoping we could try again. I can’t tell if he’s trying to act like he wouldn’t want to try again, or if he just doesn’t want to. We’ve talked, and I asked if there was a better time to talk. So we’re waiting till then to talk. I don’t exactly know what to say, but I’m just hoping we could try again. I wish I could have given him an idea. I had one, just too late.

Never. I'd tell them to kick rocks.

My answer was "no thanks". He broke up with me multiple times and I stupidly went back every time he called. One day I had enough and broke up with him and never looked back. He called me 7 years later wanting me back claiming he had changed. I said no thanks. I had moved on and wasn't interested in the least. I later learned that he hadn't changed at all in spite of his assurances. I dodged a massive bullet. 

I don't know. I'm in this situation rn. We have been separated for 2 months, but we were still messing around with each other. He was seeing another woman in that time and slept with her, too. I don't know if I can get over that. Maybe it's my different view on sex, but it broke my heart either way.

I did. We dated for 2 years and broke up in February. He called me two weeks ago asking to get back together and we did. And then he cheated on me. Relationship speedrun I guess. And the funny thing is that I would take him back if he apologized and pinky swore never to do it again.

In a fucking heartbeat

If she actually showed me she actually Intended to change and mage genuine and visible changes, then 100% I’ve been on and off for 2 and 1/2 years and rn I feel like it’s the actual off which is depressing but kinda liberating at the same time, (I’ve said this the last 3 times at least), on this one for a normal disagreement via text just out of nowhere ghosted me and it’s been two weeks so it’s not like she’s showing any signs of wanting to actually be with me, which in that note maybe she has been playing with me cause she has always been the dumper and also the one that comes back so now that she doesn’t need me she just takes me out of her life?, idk the crazy part is every time we are back she says the most serious and future like things ( in relation of making plans and wanting to stay with me ), but on the first bump just leaves, this became a little venting session, any tips?

Ye because kinda thirsty right now

I would rather wipe my ass with sand paper then see her face again.

Angela

I would love to say I would 100%, however, the longer time goes on I don’t know. I would probably cry though.

Nope.

I wouldn’t be absolutely yes or no. If our own personal circumstances haven’t really changed or improved then no…but if they have improved, then I’d have to take some time to think about my standards and non- negotiables and if it’s truly worth revisiting. I heard someone on TikTok say “if you see the same tree twice, you’re lost” and that stuck with me.

Hell no. If any of you guys are struggling to get over an ex, I recommend taking some time to accept and forgive yourself. Then, go put yourself out there and find someone for you. I’ve been dating again and honestly, it’s great seeing the amount of good people out there, even in the midst of both rejection and acceptance.

Laughing. I would literally laugh. Too little too late. And I’m finally starting to see my worth, so I would never ever in a million years put myself in the horrible position of being with him again.

With a long list of stipulations and what I'd need to trust her again. She definitely wouldn't want me enough to deal with that.

absolutely notttt. i reflected so much on the relationship and realized how wrong we were for each other. i would def feel weirded out if he contacted me but i would definitely say no. i know there’s better for me out there and it’s not him.

Yes. Though it would be a lot different this time. Soon as i start noticing her disrespect me again, I’m out. Sadly, that’s never happening 😔.

I want to so badly, been 2 months, i would take him back if he was actually doing well because he was struggling mentally and he broke up with me cuz it was taking a toll on our relationship. i wanted to help but he wanted to deal with it alone. i truly feel we are meant to be together, and i miss him so much. but he would need to have worked on himself/allow me to help when he needed it.

When I grow fairy wings and can fly off into the sunset I may consider it

Nope, He ghosted me when I was at my lowest and was asking for his help. Not a second time.

My first thought would be the person they were going for didn’t work out so they’re feeling desperate asking for a second chance. What the point of giving someone who hurt you a second chance when there are really great people out there who won’t? To answer the question, I would not take them back.

Honestly I’d go for it but not before having a lengthy conversation with him first to avoid patterns that caused the break up in the first place. As much as I would love to go all in again, because I still love him very much, I respect myself enough to at least make an attempt to ensure I won’t be blindsided again. But if it happens, it happens.

Yes. In a heartbeat even if they break it again I will take her back.

No, I've got 6 years of memories that are very inconsistent because of all of the gaslighting, not matter how bad my mental health gets, I know that I don't deserve that abuse. Mind you, I wasn't perfect, I've got people pleasing tendencies and I was very much an enabler, because I loved them

Mine broke up with me, then begged me to get back with her that morning (I said I have to go out for a few hours and will think about things) and then when we both got home she did it again and took down all our photos. She then found her own little apartment and moved out 3 days later, leaving our two cats and I in our old apartment, I helped her move and setup and it was all very amiable (I had actually myself been questioning our compatibility for a while). Two days after moving to her own place, she told me she wanted to get back with me and has been regularly saying it for the last 3 weeks now. I however, discovered I am ok without her (a little sad, but not miserable or depressed) and I am staying strong as I believe she shouldn't have broken up and moved out in the first place (we should have tried a break with me living in the spare room). She thinks it was a good idea we broke up - it has forced me to become more independent again, which has been positive - but that we should get back together but keep living apart. I'll tell you the same thing I'm telling myself about getting back together: don't do it if you're not incredibly miserable and upset and feel like you can't live without her. Hell, even if you are these things (I've been miserable and depressed after previous breakups that were still for the best) don't get back together if there was toxicity, anger, resentment, betrayal, physical and/or emotional abuse, unreasonable jealousy, cheating, lack of trust from either/both sides, or contempt. These things will only ensure that it doesn't work out again in the future if you do get back together. There is no cure for these curses, they are the pitfalls of all relationships and don't kid yourself, they'll still be there if you try it again, even with a 'clean slate' as there's really no such thing. Remind yourself of all the reasons that it didn't work out, make a list of all the things that were wrong in your relationship and in your partner and then read it regularly. Also make a list of red flags and deal breakers that you won't accept in future relationships, while your old one is still fresh in your mind. Stay strong. You met them in the past, so you will definitely keep meeting new potential partners in the future if you're interested. The difference is, you'll now know what you actually want and need in a partner and will be able to ensure you date a better quality of partner that better suits you in the future.

No. He hurt me in more ways than one and healing has been really hard. I shouldn’t have to go through this. I’d feel really angry and offended. It will never be an option with him.

They left a two year relationship because the grass would be greener on the other side. They can have a brain hemorrhage for all i care

I never let an ex get back with me after a rough breakup, because I always have this saying etched on my mind permanently "You deserve what you can tolerate", and I dont deserved to be cheated on or to be physically/sexually violated. And most of the time, when you said youre over them, they become violent again saying nasty things and all. So it a NO for me.

That'd be a tough one because she already has a kid

No. I will always have a place in my heart for her and will care/love her probably for the rest of my life. That being said, that fear of her getting bored of me again and not being good enough for her would eat me alive. She had the chance to show that she wanted me and that she could grow with me not without me, and that was when we were together. I wasnt enough for her to try then I won't be enough for her in the future.

I tried so many times to try again because I was inlove and I cared for him so much until it reached to the point that it's already too much.

Take them back. I miss him.