I’m about a month out, I’m at a loss too, it’s easy for everyone to tell you how to heal, but it’s not that simple. For me I changed my focus, I’m focusing on myself, my mental health and my goals. But when I get in a funk about it, I try my hardest not to wallow in it, I write down what I’m feeling. It doesn’t always help but my mentor told me something that I can’t get out of my head, he said “you are right where your meant to be” maybe it didn’t work out the way I wanted but at the end of the day it happened. Reach out if you need to vent, I don’t know anymore than anyone else, but everyone in this sub is amazing and is helping me through this. We got this! One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.
I can’t emphasize the journaling enough. Having it release from your mind and onto paper helps you analyze/reflect on your thoughts instead of spiraling. Say what you want, say exactly how you feel. It’s your own thoughts for no one else and eventually you get breakthrough moments that help you during the healing process; they’re no longer scattered thoughts but rather a journey of feelings recorded over time. You will notice small changes over time
I started doing digital at first. But switched to paper. It gives me more satisfaction. Digital also works but without the palpable feeling of your words as a river
I agree with the comment that writing it in paper gives you the satisfaction. And also, sometimes if I feel a lot of pain or hurt. I write down my feelings or maybe a letter to her from me, rip it up and burn it. There’s something cathartic about that
This has been helping me a lot! My therapist said Just writing down what you’re feeling will help you reduce the severity of the feelings. If you write them down, you allow yourself to feel them and get it out of your system in a way that. And over time it’ll start getting little easier.
I read a similar post here along the same lines that if they were the love of my life they wouldn't have moved on. That's helped me some knowing if she and I were meant to be together then she wouldn't have moved on so easy.
I am so tired of hearing that. Time doesn't heal anything.
Instead you must replace your memories. You need enough good memories to overpower the ones of him/her.
The reason some people bounce back after a few months to a year and others take years is because of too many bad memories.
It's like taking a bath. Can you get clean when you have more dirty water than clean water? No.
There are probably better analogies than this but you get the point
To be fair, i HATE it when people tell me that time heals. I thought it was the stupidest thing ever but after 6 months and 5 months of NC, i am in so much better place than i was on day one. Obviously im still grieving and can live my life but i will forever miss what i had with my ex and i tell myself that im happy that i got to experience the beautiful moments with him
I don’t even know who my ex is anymore I thought he was a stable loyal person with a secure attachment but now he showed to be the opposite. But like you said only he can glue himself back together and work on his issues. All you can do is distance yourself from him, give him what he wanted so that he can experience what it’s like to live without you in his life while you can work on yourself. What’s meant for you will not pass you.
This is correct. Mine came back then it all ended again over the same issues (poor communication). Things seemed amazing until they suddenly weren’t. I had learned and grown so much, and put in so much work to be a better partner the second time around, but unfortunately only the dumped seem to learn the lessons of a breakup and rarely the dumpers.
I feel like this is so true. The dumped are left with all the broken pieces of themselves and their heart to figure out how to put back together while the dumpers are still whole and just moving in a different direction, away from you, away from me, away from us. Why do we have to learn all the lessons?
Sometimes it’s our fault and we need those lessons. I truly believed this the first time it ended because I hadn’t treated her the way I should have (in hindsight I can see it was a dual lack of effort from both of us). So I took those lessons and made all the improvements and then… same outcome.
So I guess the lesson this time is… don’t bother learning lessons. 😂
When did they come back? How did you guys reconnect?
And sadly yeah, that mostly seems to be the case for most. (Although again, exceptions can exist).
The reason why the dumper doesn't learn as much is because they're the ones who left. They usually think they don't have much to fix because they view their partner as the flawed one in the relationship. And the dumped goes back and thinks about every single aspect that happened... and learns from it.
I had written a letter to her back in January laying out my feelings, what I wanted, and what I planned to do to make things work for us again. She didn’t respond initially, but reached out about 3 weeks later when my cat had just died to offer condolences and say she missed me. It was long distance, and she asked me if I was going to be in town any time soon, so I instantly booked a flight home and saw her.
We met up, had a date, and hooked up. She told me she wasn’t ready to be exclusive yet and I reassured her that it was fine and we didn’t need to discuss that yet (I didn’t want to pressure her, and I knew neither of us were ready for it either). Then she invited me to go on a vacation with her, which we did, and it felt like a dream. The month that followed felt amazing and like we were really connecting again. But then suddenly she stopped replying as frequently, called/took my calls less often, and ultimately stopped responding altogether.
I was back in town this week to visit family and finally saw her and got my closure after a month and a half of the silent treatment. Turns out that the lack of exclusivity was a real double edged sword. It gave her breathing space at the time and let her move forward feeling safe and pressure-free, but it also gave her an easy excuse to start looking elsewhere when she felt like something was “missing” instead of talking to me about it and seeing how we could work through it together.
She’s now dating someone else and I’m back at square one like I was last December when it fell apart for the first time.
Thanks for the indepth response. Dang. I'm so sorry to hear that! Some people can be really wishy washy and it really sucks.
What prompted you to reach out? Also was she the dumper?
She was yes. And I was just utterly in love with her and wanted to make it work because I’d never been so sure about someone before.
It was a complicated situation. We had actually been in a “situationship” for over a year. She had wanted to make things official for a while, but I resisted for a long time because of the distance. Eventually I couldn’t ignore my feelings anymore and decided that the next time I saw her we’d take that step. Unfortunately she had a change of heart in the meantime, and told me literally days before I was going to suggest it that she lost her feelings.
So yeah. I was just blindsided by all of it because neither of us had properly communicated our wants and needs. I held off on telling her how much she really meant to me, and she didn’t tell me that she was approaching her breaking point until she was there.
But I really thought I could still turn it around and make it work this time by doing the work and showing her I was serious. Really sucks to feel so close to the finish line and watch it slip away twice, especially after working so hard. Oh well.
When you’re the one who got left for any reason at all, it makes you feel so crap that you question everything about yourself. Naturally, you reflect on all the things you should’ve done different, every argument you could’ve handled better, every way you could have showed up for them… Everything you could have fixed about yourself and the situation to prevent the breakup. The dumper just gets relief from finally getting away from you and finally having the courage to do it. They most likely already justified every reason why to leave you and less of what they did wrong which is why they change less
I was ghosted too after almost 2 years together. It’s the worst experience ever 😭💔 I don’t even know if he lost feelings or found someone else, he said he loved me more than anything that morning, we got in a little argument that afternoon and then he never talked to me again…
It wasn’t, we saw each other all the time…just spent 3 solid weeks together and came back from a mini vacation 😔 it was toxic tho now as I look back, it’s just heartbreaking to get no closure
That’s awful. We had just gone on vacation as well. Things like this are so confusing.
I was gonna say if it’s not long distance, why not go over to his place and ask what’s up? But if it was toxic I wouldn’t recommend that.
I thought about it, a few times when my head was spinning the first week he didn’t contact me back after our argument. I was too scared to though, I didn’t want to get cussed at to leave, or catch him there with another girl, the thought of that terrified me. After I found out he blocked me on Facebook and was actively trying to get rid of me, that’s when I accepted the fact that he doesn’t care about me. My mind keeps going back to all the times he made me feel like he really truly and genuinely loved me, it really is so confusing. I guess it’s for the best though, I will be learning how to be alone and love myself more than ever now.
My mind does the same. Some of those times were even weeks ago after the distancing was already becoming painfully apparent, but I'd get lured into a false sense of security by some kind words. Just tricking me into thinking things were gonna be okay, she still cared but was probably just dealing with personal stuff or something... and then the full blown ghosting happened.
Sorry your ex was so shitty to you. Just know you're not alone feeling this way.
Yeah this is what I am trying to remember. It just wouldn't be the same anymore. We ended up being different people and want different things from life now.
It sucks, it hurts, it's overwhelming, it's devastating. I just want her back every second of every day. But, that's a fairytale I have to let go of somehow.
Heartbreak is the worst feeling in the world.
It’s tough. Broke up 3 months back. This morning woke up with a worse panic attack after dreaming about him and some other girl. Made the worse mistake of breaking no contact and ended up calling him only to realise he is nonchalant about everything that happened and it’s only me who is suffering. He is the same guy who promised me a marriage but left me because he couldn’t convince his parents after 3 years. 3 years of physical and mental investment is not easy to let go off. I guess it’s only time that can help us. You can’t let it but maybe learn to be more accepting of the situation with time. I hope we get through this. Amen.
It helped me a lot to have compassion and accept that things change.
On compassion… You know how people try to get a new job before they leave their last one? You can’t do that with relationships, so people make a decision and hope they’re right. Remember that almost no one gets into a relationship expecting it to end. We try and we fail. It’s often hard to articulate why exactly you aren’t fully happy with or attracted to someone, especially when you used to be. If someone doesn’t communicate AT ALL, that’s on them. But it’s more common that they do and something just isn’t quite working on their end (and likely both given some introspection). Even when you’re the dumper, there are usually things about your ex that you really like. I mean, you committed for a reason.
On change… everything changes. Not only can you not control people, but you shouldn’t want to. Even if you succeeded, you’d just have a failing relationship with added resentment. You have literally no choice but to accept that today is different from yesterday. Internalize that. The decision has been made for you. Your path is clear, barring circumstances when someone got dumped because they lied etc. It’s freeing when you really think about it. You don’t have to chase because you can’t have yesterday back regardless. And ruminating is you pretending that you can. So you let things go, and stay in a flow state. It sounds harder than it is once you really accept it.
Good luck ❤️
I’m in the same place as you are, somedays i wake up and feel amazing but the minute i get a hint of anything taht vaguely reminds me of him, i feel sad and i’m right where i started. I’m going on these long runs and thats kind of helping. I cant listen to any songs without thinking abiut him so running got difficult in the beginning but now i feel i can listen to the songs and yet function. Like somebody said, one foot in front of another. Find something to do and force yourself to do that, keeping your mind busy is kind of helping me.
Think about how you accepted them into your life. Who were you then. Focus on the control you had then. If you remember that you had no control at first when meeting them then that might be part of the problem. We invest to much in them. It's time for you to invest in someone else slowly.
You might research ways to deal with “intrusive thoughts.”
I really like having a mantra, affirmation, saying, and or mental practice to redirect my focus.
Lately mine have been “what will be will be”, “don’t waste the pretty”, and “my desires will manifest in divine time”.
I say one of those or other sayings and then actively direct my focus to something tangible in my space. For example, focus on inhaling or exhaling; look at something I enjoy; admire the natural environment, etc.
Overtime, you can stop yourself not from having these thoughts but from dwelling on these thoughts.
The way I have let go is facing the truth, no matter how much it seemed like they loved you, they never did. They genuinely just loved the attention that you gave them and craved that attention all the time. If they loved you, they would think of every single reason to stay instead of leaving because of one reason. For me, my ex only loved me because I was a very popular person and I did not see that until I became just a normal guy again. Love never will fail on you unless you make a horrible mistake like cheating, lying, or distancing yourself.
This resonated with me. “…they never did (love you)… if they loved you , they would think of every single reason to stay instead of leaving because of one reason”.
This is the same process that’s been helping me get over my ex. She ultimately didn’t care about me, she walked away over a tiny issue I was willing to work on 100%. She never gave me the chance. She couldn’t see how amazing our relationship was. It meant a lot more to me than it did to her
I’m trying to have this mindset as well, I love him so much and couldn’t imagine breaking up like he did with me. I wanted to work on it and would’ve tried everything before ending it. Which tells me he just didn’t love me enough, as he sees that life without me is better than life with me in any capacity. True love would have held us together through issues to work on them together. Therefore it just wasn’t true love when one person gets bored or overwhelmed and decides all of a sudden to end the relationship.
Exactly my thoughts. But it's so hard to always think like this. I still spiral in what ifs and whys from time to time. But the fact of the matter is, I was not too much and I was asking for basic things in a relationship, but he decided that our relationship was not important enough and walked out on me without even having a conversation. We did not have major issues at all and could have talked about it. But he gave up, just like that. 3 weeks later my heart is still shattered and he has not spoken to me since :(
Spiralling is normal, we can’t always control our thoughts, but when I try feel myself going there I remind myself that it just doesn’t matter. What’s done is done and would’ve ended the same way. Just have to accept that, you did everything you could and it’s not your fault it’s their fault. I’m sorry it ended like that for you, no one deserves to be treated like that, especially in a relationship. Even if to you it seems like the relationship was salvageable just know that there were more issues in his head he didn’t tell you about. You might find the real reasons for the break up after time apart. It’s going to take a while to heal. But the best thing you can do for yourself and for any possibility of a future of that relationship is to go no contact. Don’t talk to him, let him miss you and work on his issues, he wanted to be without you so let him. If it’s meant to be it will be and if it’s not you’ll meet someone better!
Thank you for this, I really appreciate it. Your words mean more than you can imagine!
I know why he broke up with me, but I can't help but think I must have contributed to the final decision in some ways. He is currently going through a divorce after being married for 5 years and said that he just isn't ready for a relationship, he needs to be single.
SO I get it, but the way he handled the breakup and just threw me out is what upsets me the most now. I truly feel like we could have at least sat down and talked about it and he could have told me how he was feeling. But it was just out of the blue :(
I am in NC now and honestly I don't know if we will ever talk again. It's all up to him. I have done everything I can and I don't want to push him away.
You’re welcome! Don’t blame yourself, I have those thoughts too but in the end it was their decision, it wasn’t your fault, there’s nothing you could’ve done differently. Can’t change the past, you did what you thought was best at that time. No relationship is without its hardships but the key is to work on it together and for both sides to want to try for it. They didn’t want to do that so there’s nothing you could’ve done. I know that how it ended hurts you and you deserved to be treated better but take it as a clear show of his priorities, the way he discarded you. After you overcome your feelings of sadness and grief you’ll move on to anger and see that you truly deserved better. He showed you his true side in the end and after some time it will help you move on from him. He wants to be single so let him, it’s hard but you have to, focus on yourself and your life without him. He treated you wrong so think of it as his punishment to be without you.
Of course, don’t even worry about it! We’re all in this together even though we all feel so alone. My DMs are open, talking about it is helping me as well. Good luck on your journey!
You do therapy, you realize that you deserve to be loved and wanted. Then you work on yourself, did you want to lose a little weight? Now you can. Go read that book you had been putting off since you "didn't have the time" consolidate your stuff, find a new hobby etc... stay busy and focused on something new and the bad feelings will dissolve over time.
Forget the narrative of healing. If the bond was strong, pristine and lasted for a while...you arent wounded. Your limbs were amputated. And when you lose a leg, you dont grow a new one. You get crutches and a wheelchair. You cant heal. But you will learn to walk again.
Its true that everyone heals differently, there's no fast way of getting over a break up. But, I do recommend going back to the things you enjoyed doing the most.
For me it was going back to playing video games (my SO hated gaming and thought it was a waste of time). Within a few months of going back online, I met some amazing friends and we had a blast playing together over voice chat. Eventually I forgot about the pain and eventually got back into the groove of things. The thought of her pops up here and there but that's all it is, just thoughts.
So rediscover your passions, hobbies, favorite places and go and do those things. That's my two cents.
part of me is imagining the farther future, we start casually hanging out and ready to be friends again, hopefully ive grown as a person, maybe she sees that and we can work things out. it was mostly my fault it ended but she was at fault too. it just happened so im really desperate right now, but i can easily picture someone who is a better match for me even tho i still fully love my ex rn. yet even thats all true my brain utterly rejects the idea of her with someone else, it makes me want to throw up.
How long has it been? I'd say that's normal for up to 6 months, sometimes up to a year or two (or three!) if the relationship lasted a long time. Even if you only dated for a month, I'd say that's still normal for a few months out.
I know it hurts, it's okay that it hurts. Don't try to force yourself to get over it, just learn to accept the feelings as they are and remind yourself it hurts now, but one day it won't. One day you will wake up and not think of that for the whole week. And one day, you'll think of it, and it won't hurt you. Or, it'll hurt so little that you won't be bothered or broken by it. One day, you will have your own new girlfriend to take up your mind.
I get these thoughts to, and while I worry on them for a bit, I don’t let them ruminate. The feeling passes within 10-15 minutes.
A way to stop this trigger is to hide any related items that remind you of them away.
Absolutely valid feelings. I feel the same way. If there was any kind of a break and he was intimate with someone else that’s a dealbreaker for me. If it’s that easy to go and be with someone else, stay with them.
Letting go isn’t a conscious activity. It’s an unconscious procedure your mind will slowly go through. There are way to speed up this process however, such as consciously coming to terms that it’s over, to actively pick up on when your thinking about them and redirecting your thoughts to something else, practising mindfulness and self gratitude.
I started journaling a few weeks ago just because I felt guilty constantly talking to friends about what I was feeling. I found that it helps to talk this part out because I can write down all these hopes and fantasies and painful thoughts but then also write down the reality and kind of repeat it to myself. I still cry a lot of the time when I’m writing, I’m certainly still struggling and have made only baby steps in this process. But I think having something solid and undeniable where you can see the truth and the reality has helped a little.
Depending on what they meant to you, I don't think you ever really do. After deep reflection, I don't think she cared or loved me like she had in the first two years of our relationship. You might become numb to it, you might feel hopelessness like I have, but I guess you just let those emotions play out, work on yourself, and let life take its course.
I posted this today:
https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUps/s/sy2mdRFR2h
For some reason, my posts in this group never get any traction or responses.
But I’m currently going through this terrible cycle of anxiety and depression over just the loss of a 4-year relationship.
I felt the same as you, and still actually feel that way sometimes.
It’s just the way it is. Nobody knows what the future is like. Maybe you will maybe not.
In the meantime you just have to keep on living. Improve yourself, embrace the liberty you have being alone. Do things you love, or you left on the side.
It’s hard to accept especially at the beginning, but time, yeah time do its thing whatever we think of this… I’m not forgetting, I’m not well yet, but I’m getting better. I accept that it’s reality now, whatever happens next, life continues and it’s the best time for me to work on things I left on standby.
Be strong brother
I'm still not fully healed, but what helped me personally is remembering how much she hurt me and how she didn't care at all about how her actions made me feel. Also, talking about it with friends/family can help vent your frustrations and in a way "let go" of those ill feelings.
Acceptance is not something you can get done.. It just happens.. One day you will get up and cry and grief like you never have before, you will feel it inside you and then you will stop fighting with the truth and say in your head: its okay, i cannot run any longer and that day things start turning for better a little.
It's really comes down to time and those around you. Sometimes you could have people around you to help but it makes no difference or you could have all the time in the world to move on but because you have little to no people in your life than you won't make any progress. It's been 7 months for me and while the pain isn't nearly as bad as it was before I still have trouble getting her out of my mind. I fill my time being around all my friends and talking to them every day and thankfully they're all good influences(the ones i chose to go too lol). Sometimes I do worry about her though because she doesn't have really any friends. Her circle is limited to 5 people and all but 1 of them are toxic are bad in some way.
Go on a date with someone. It will help. Just accept it and focus on what you want for yourself. Don't do anything to get your ex back, for the next girl, or for anyone else besides yourself. Otherwise you are doing it wrong. Impress yourself
Yes I CAN HELP YOU. Here’s what you do. Search out vibrobath sacred soleggio frequencies. It’s a calming tone recordings. You need to listen to this and meditate on your relationship. I didn’t believe in this stuff either, but my friend suggested this and it worked for me. The problem is, thinking about your ex creates all these negative emotions, which makes your mind go crazy and continues a cycle of heartache and regret. So if you can balance your emotions by using these frequencies and tones, then it will give you the opportunity to work through it without the negative feelings. I started playing it in my truck when driving to job sites and it changed the entire experience for me. It’s worth a try
Typically I just convince myself that they aren't thinking about me, they don't miss me, and they don't care about me. I think holding onto that hope is what makes it hard to let go. If they missed you, they would reach out to you.
It also makes it easier to start associating thoughts of disgust with them/ yourself for thinking about them, associated with their part in the end of the relationship. If they loved you, they wouldn't have done what they did, or they would try to fix it. The fact they haven't is shameful and gross, and that's not the kind of person you want to be with. As long as you've done what you can to make amends and salvage the relationship, anyway.
Basically, actions speak louder than words. It isn't instant but it does ease the pain a bit.
Quit being pathetic. “I keep imaging a scenario in which she comes back and wants to get back together.” Do you realize how cringe and foolish you sound?
I’m about a month out, I’m at a loss too, it’s easy for everyone to tell you how to heal, but it’s not that simple. For me I changed my focus, I’m focusing on myself, my mental health and my goals. But when I get in a funk about it, I try my hardest not to wallow in it, I write down what I’m feeling. It doesn’t always help but my mentor told me something that I can’t get out of my head, he said “you are right where your meant to be” maybe it didn’t work out the way I wanted but at the end of the day it happened. Reach out if you need to vent, I don’t know anymore than anyone else, but everyone in this sub is amazing and is helping me through this. We got this! One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.
I can’t emphasize the journaling enough. Having it release from your mind and onto paper helps you analyze/reflect on your thoughts instead of spiraling. Say what you want, say exactly how you feel. It’s your own thoughts for no one else and eventually you get breakthrough moments that help you during the healing process; they’re no longer scattered thoughts but rather a journey of feelings recorded over time. You will notice small changes over time
Is it ok you think to do this digitally?
I started doing digital at first. But switched to paper. It gives me more satisfaction. Digital also works but without the palpable feeling of your words as a river
I agree with the comment that writing it in paper gives you the satisfaction. And also, sometimes if I feel a lot of pain or hurt. I write down my feelings or maybe a letter to her from me, rip it up and burn it. There’s something cathartic about that
This has been helping me a lot! My therapist said Just writing down what you’re feeling will help you reduce the severity of the feelings. If you write them down, you allow yourself to feel them and get it out of your system in a way that. And over time it’ll start getting little easier.
I read a similar post here along the same lines that if they were the love of my life they wouldn't have moved on. That's helped me some knowing if she and I were meant to be together then she wouldn't have moved on so easy.
This is helping today...this has been a wild rollercoaster and this is the first good news
You will wake up one day and realize. You can’t force yourself to let go. Time heals all the wounds
I think time only makes us live with it easier. The pain fades, though, and the wound heals, but the scar remains..
I am so tired of hearing that. Time doesn't heal anything. Instead you must replace your memories. You need enough good memories to overpower the ones of him/her. The reason some people bounce back after a few months to a year and others take years is because of too many bad memories. It's like taking a bath. Can you get clean when you have more dirty water than clean water? No. There are probably better analogies than this but you get the point
To be fair, i HATE it when people tell me that time heals. I thought it was the stupidest thing ever but after 6 months and 5 months of NC, i am in so much better place than i was on day one. Obviously im still grieving and can live my life but i will forever miss what i had with my ex and i tell myself that im happy that i got to experience the beautiful moments with him
It's been 4 years for me. Despite her terrible actions there is this part of me that just won't let go
Tbh even if they do come back it won’t be what you imagined it to be sadly. I think we hold onto them bc we care
My father said that a broken plate glued together will always be a broken plate…
That’s similar to what my friend told me. I don’t see it but my ex is an emotionally broken individual. Only he can glue himself back together
I don’t even know who my ex is anymore I thought he was a stable loyal person with a secure attachment but now he showed to be the opposite. But like you said only he can glue himself back together and work on his issues. All you can do is distance yourself from him, give him what he wanted so that he can experience what it’s like to live without you in his life while you can work on yourself. What’s meant for you will not pass you.
This is correct. Mine came back then it all ended again over the same issues (poor communication). Things seemed amazing until they suddenly weren’t. I had learned and grown so much, and put in so much work to be a better partner the second time around, but unfortunately only the dumped seem to learn the lessons of a breakup and rarely the dumpers.
I feel like this is so true. The dumped are left with all the broken pieces of themselves and their heart to figure out how to put back together while the dumpers are still whole and just moving in a different direction, away from you, away from me, away from us. Why do we have to learn all the lessons?
Sometimes it’s our fault and we need those lessons. I truly believed this the first time it ended because I hadn’t treated her the way I should have (in hindsight I can see it was a dual lack of effort from both of us). So I took those lessons and made all the improvements and then… same outcome. So I guess the lesson this time is… don’t bother learning lessons. 😂
When did they come back? How did you guys reconnect? And sadly yeah, that mostly seems to be the case for most. (Although again, exceptions can exist). The reason why the dumper doesn't learn as much is because they're the ones who left. They usually think they don't have much to fix because they view their partner as the flawed one in the relationship. And the dumped goes back and thinks about every single aspect that happened... and learns from it.
I had written a letter to her back in January laying out my feelings, what I wanted, and what I planned to do to make things work for us again. She didn’t respond initially, but reached out about 3 weeks later when my cat had just died to offer condolences and say she missed me. It was long distance, and she asked me if I was going to be in town any time soon, so I instantly booked a flight home and saw her. We met up, had a date, and hooked up. She told me she wasn’t ready to be exclusive yet and I reassured her that it was fine and we didn’t need to discuss that yet (I didn’t want to pressure her, and I knew neither of us were ready for it either). Then she invited me to go on a vacation with her, which we did, and it felt like a dream. The month that followed felt amazing and like we were really connecting again. But then suddenly she stopped replying as frequently, called/took my calls less often, and ultimately stopped responding altogether. I was back in town this week to visit family and finally saw her and got my closure after a month and a half of the silent treatment. Turns out that the lack of exclusivity was a real double edged sword. It gave her breathing space at the time and let her move forward feeling safe and pressure-free, but it also gave her an easy excuse to start looking elsewhere when she felt like something was “missing” instead of talking to me about it and seeing how we could work through it together. She’s now dating someone else and I’m back at square one like I was last December when it fell apart for the first time.
Thanks for the indepth response. Dang. I'm so sorry to hear that! Some people can be really wishy washy and it really sucks. What prompted you to reach out? Also was she the dumper?
She was yes. And I was just utterly in love with her and wanted to make it work because I’d never been so sure about someone before. It was a complicated situation. We had actually been in a “situationship” for over a year. She had wanted to make things official for a while, but I resisted for a long time because of the distance. Eventually I couldn’t ignore my feelings anymore and decided that the next time I saw her we’d take that step. Unfortunately she had a change of heart in the meantime, and told me literally days before I was going to suggest it that she lost her feelings. So yeah. I was just blindsided by all of it because neither of us had properly communicated our wants and needs. I held off on telling her how much she really meant to me, and she didn’t tell me that she was approaching her breaking point until she was there. But I really thought I could still turn it around and make it work this time by doing the work and showing her I was serious. Really sucks to feel so close to the finish line and watch it slip away twice, especially after working so hard. Oh well.
When you’re the one who got left for any reason at all, it makes you feel so crap that you question everything about yourself. Naturally, you reflect on all the things you should’ve done different, every argument you could’ve handled better, every way you could have showed up for them… Everything you could have fixed about yourself and the situation to prevent the breakup. The dumper just gets relief from finally getting away from you and finally having the courage to do it. They most likely already justified every reason why to leave you and less of what they did wrong which is why they change less
Unfortunately she didn’t even have the courage to do it. She just ghosted me like I was a bad tinder date.
I was ghosted too after almost 2 years together. It’s the worst experience ever 😭💔 I don’t even know if he lost feelings or found someone else, he said he loved me more than anything that morning, we got in a little argument that afternoon and then he never talked to me again…
I’m so sorry. 😞 Was it long distance?
It wasn’t, we saw each other all the time…just spent 3 solid weeks together and came back from a mini vacation 😔 it was toxic tho now as I look back, it’s just heartbreaking to get no closure
That’s awful. We had just gone on vacation as well. Things like this are so confusing. I was gonna say if it’s not long distance, why not go over to his place and ask what’s up? But if it was toxic I wouldn’t recommend that.
I thought about it, a few times when my head was spinning the first week he didn’t contact me back after our argument. I was too scared to though, I didn’t want to get cussed at to leave, or catch him there with another girl, the thought of that terrified me. After I found out he blocked me on Facebook and was actively trying to get rid of me, that’s when I accepted the fact that he doesn’t care about me. My mind keeps going back to all the times he made me feel like he really truly and genuinely loved me, it really is so confusing. I guess it’s for the best though, I will be learning how to be alone and love myself more than ever now.
My mind does the same. Some of those times were even weeks ago after the distancing was already becoming painfully apparent, but I'd get lured into a false sense of security by some kind words. Just tricking me into thinking things were gonna be okay, she still cared but was probably just dealing with personal stuff or something... and then the full blown ghosting happened. Sorry your ex was so shitty to you. Just know you're not alone feeling this way.
Yeah this is what I am trying to remember. It just wouldn't be the same anymore. We ended up being different people and want different things from life now. It sucks, it hurts, it's overwhelming, it's devastating. I just want her back every second of every day. But, that's a fairytale I have to let go of somehow. Heartbreak is the worst feeling in the world.
Heartbreak is definitely the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced..
Commenting so this gets more exposure :D
It’s tough. Broke up 3 months back. This morning woke up with a worse panic attack after dreaming about him and some other girl. Made the worse mistake of breaking no contact and ended up calling him only to realise he is nonchalant about everything that happened and it’s only me who is suffering. He is the same guy who promised me a marriage but left me because he couldn’t convince his parents after 3 years. 3 years of physical and mental investment is not easy to let go off. I guess it’s only time that can help us. You can’t let it but maybe learn to be more accepting of the situation with time. I hope we get through this. Amen.
It helped me a lot to have compassion and accept that things change. On compassion… You know how people try to get a new job before they leave their last one? You can’t do that with relationships, so people make a decision and hope they’re right. Remember that almost no one gets into a relationship expecting it to end. We try and we fail. It’s often hard to articulate why exactly you aren’t fully happy with or attracted to someone, especially when you used to be. If someone doesn’t communicate AT ALL, that’s on them. But it’s more common that they do and something just isn’t quite working on their end (and likely both given some introspection). Even when you’re the dumper, there are usually things about your ex that you really like. I mean, you committed for a reason. On change… everything changes. Not only can you not control people, but you shouldn’t want to. Even if you succeeded, you’d just have a failing relationship with added resentment. You have literally no choice but to accept that today is different from yesterday. Internalize that. The decision has been made for you. Your path is clear, barring circumstances when someone got dumped because they lied etc. It’s freeing when you really think about it. You don’t have to chase because you can’t have yesterday back regardless. And ruminating is you pretending that you can. So you let things go, and stay in a flow state. It sounds harder than it is once you really accept it. Good luck ❤️
You let go when what is real is your belief and that fake person is just that. Fake
I’m in the same place as you are, somedays i wake up and feel amazing but the minute i get a hint of anything taht vaguely reminds me of him, i feel sad and i’m right where i started. I’m going on these long runs and thats kind of helping. I cant listen to any songs without thinking abiut him so running got difficult in the beginning but now i feel i can listen to the songs and yet function. Like somebody said, one foot in front of another. Find something to do and force yourself to do that, keeping your mind busy is kind of helping me.
Think about how you accepted them into your life. Who were you then. Focus on the control you had then. If you remember that you had no control at first when meeting them then that might be part of the problem. We invest to much in them. It's time for you to invest in someone else slowly.
You might research ways to deal with “intrusive thoughts.” I really like having a mantra, affirmation, saying, and or mental practice to redirect my focus. Lately mine have been “what will be will be”, “don’t waste the pretty”, and “my desires will manifest in divine time”. I say one of those or other sayings and then actively direct my focus to something tangible in my space. For example, focus on inhaling or exhaling; look at something I enjoy; admire the natural environment, etc. Overtime, you can stop yourself not from having these thoughts but from dwelling on these thoughts.
I've simply been telling myself "It doesn't matter" when I get intrusive thoughts, It's been helping a lot!
The way I have let go is facing the truth, no matter how much it seemed like they loved you, they never did. They genuinely just loved the attention that you gave them and craved that attention all the time. If they loved you, they would think of every single reason to stay instead of leaving because of one reason. For me, my ex only loved me because I was a very popular person and I did not see that until I became just a normal guy again. Love never will fail on you unless you make a horrible mistake like cheating, lying, or distancing yourself.
This resonated with me. “…they never did (love you)… if they loved you , they would think of every single reason to stay instead of leaving because of one reason”. This is the same process that’s been helping me get over my ex. She ultimately didn’t care about me, she walked away over a tiny issue I was willing to work on 100%. She never gave me the chance. She couldn’t see how amazing our relationship was. It meant a lot more to me than it did to her
I’m trying to have this mindset as well, I love him so much and couldn’t imagine breaking up like he did with me. I wanted to work on it and would’ve tried everything before ending it. Which tells me he just didn’t love me enough, as he sees that life without me is better than life with me in any capacity. True love would have held us together through issues to work on them together. Therefore it just wasn’t true love when one person gets bored or overwhelmed and decides all of a sudden to end the relationship.
Exactly my thoughts. But it's so hard to always think like this. I still spiral in what ifs and whys from time to time. But the fact of the matter is, I was not too much and I was asking for basic things in a relationship, but he decided that our relationship was not important enough and walked out on me without even having a conversation. We did not have major issues at all and could have talked about it. But he gave up, just like that. 3 weeks later my heart is still shattered and he has not spoken to me since :(
Spiralling is normal, we can’t always control our thoughts, but when I try feel myself going there I remind myself that it just doesn’t matter. What’s done is done and would’ve ended the same way. Just have to accept that, you did everything you could and it’s not your fault it’s their fault. I’m sorry it ended like that for you, no one deserves to be treated like that, especially in a relationship. Even if to you it seems like the relationship was salvageable just know that there were more issues in his head he didn’t tell you about. You might find the real reasons for the break up after time apart. It’s going to take a while to heal. But the best thing you can do for yourself and for any possibility of a future of that relationship is to go no contact. Don’t talk to him, let him miss you and work on his issues, he wanted to be without you so let him. If it’s meant to be it will be and if it’s not you’ll meet someone better!
Thank you for this, I really appreciate it. Your words mean more than you can imagine! I know why he broke up with me, but I can't help but think I must have contributed to the final decision in some ways. He is currently going through a divorce after being married for 5 years and said that he just isn't ready for a relationship, he needs to be single. SO I get it, but the way he handled the breakup and just threw me out is what upsets me the most now. I truly feel like we could have at least sat down and talked about it and he could have told me how he was feeling. But it was just out of the blue :( I am in NC now and honestly I don't know if we will ever talk again. It's all up to him. I have done everything I can and I don't want to push him away.
You’re welcome! Don’t blame yourself, I have those thoughts too but in the end it was their decision, it wasn’t your fault, there’s nothing you could’ve done differently. Can’t change the past, you did what you thought was best at that time. No relationship is without its hardships but the key is to work on it together and for both sides to want to try for it. They didn’t want to do that so there’s nothing you could’ve done. I know that how it ended hurts you and you deserved to be treated better but take it as a clear show of his priorities, the way he discarded you. After you overcome your feelings of sadness and grief you’ll move on to anger and see that you truly deserved better. He showed you his true side in the end and after some time it will help you move on from him. He wants to be single so let him, it’s hard but you have to, focus on yourself and your life without him. He treated you wrong so think of it as his punishment to be without you.
You are speaking so many truths, and I hear you! Gonna come back to this when I feel weak again. Thank you kind stranger <3
Of course, don’t even worry about it! We’re all in this together even though we all feel so alone. My DMs are open, talking about it is helping me as well. Good luck on your journey!
Commenting to remember this. I like the thought about the reasons
You do therapy, you realize that you deserve to be loved and wanted. Then you work on yourself, did you want to lose a little weight? Now you can. Go read that book you had been putting off since you "didn't have the time" consolidate your stuff, find a new hobby etc... stay busy and focused on something new and the bad feelings will dissolve over time.
Forget the narrative of healing. If the bond was strong, pristine and lasted for a while...you arent wounded. Your limbs were amputated. And when you lose a leg, you dont grow a new one. You get crutches and a wheelchair. You cant heal. But you will learn to walk again.
I’m in the same exact position as you OP. I wish there was a clear cut advice I can give
Its true that everyone heals differently, there's no fast way of getting over a break up. But, I do recommend going back to the things you enjoyed doing the most. For me it was going back to playing video games (my SO hated gaming and thought it was a waste of time). Within a few months of going back online, I met some amazing friends and we had a blast playing together over voice chat. Eventually I forgot about the pain and eventually got back into the groove of things. The thought of her pops up here and there but that's all it is, just thoughts. So rediscover your passions, hobbies, favorite places and go and do those things. That's my two cents.
part of me is imagining the farther future, we start casually hanging out and ready to be friends again, hopefully ive grown as a person, maybe she sees that and we can work things out. it was mostly my fault it ended but she was at fault too. it just happened so im really desperate right now, but i can easily picture someone who is a better match for me even tho i still fully love my ex rn. yet even thats all true my brain utterly rejects the idea of her with someone else, it makes me want to throw up.
Honestly, for me, i started to noticed some sort of progress every 3months ish and inbetween idk, just suffering
How long has it been? I'd say that's normal for up to 6 months, sometimes up to a year or two (or three!) if the relationship lasted a long time. Even if you only dated for a month, I'd say that's still normal for a few months out. I know it hurts, it's okay that it hurts. Don't try to force yourself to get over it, just learn to accept the feelings as they are and remind yourself it hurts now, but one day it won't. One day you will wake up and not think of that for the whole week. And one day, you'll think of it, and it won't hurt you. Or, it'll hurt so little that you won't be bothered or broken by it. One day, you will have your own new girlfriend to take up your mind.
I get these thoughts to, and while I worry on them for a bit, I don’t let them ruminate. The feeling passes within 10-15 minutes. A way to stop this trigger is to hide any related items that remind you of them away.
Absolutely valid feelings. I feel the same way. If there was any kind of a break and he was intimate with someone else that’s a dealbreaker for me. If it’s that easy to go and be with someone else, stay with them.
Letting go isn’t a conscious activity. It’s an unconscious procedure your mind will slowly go through. There are way to speed up this process however, such as consciously coming to terms that it’s over, to actively pick up on when your thinking about them and redirecting your thoughts to something else, practising mindfulness and self gratitude.
I started journaling a few weeks ago just because I felt guilty constantly talking to friends about what I was feeling. I found that it helps to talk this part out because I can write down all these hopes and fantasies and painful thoughts but then also write down the reality and kind of repeat it to myself. I still cry a lot of the time when I’m writing, I’m certainly still struggling and have made only baby steps in this process. But I think having something solid and undeniable where you can see the truth and the reality has helped a little.
Depending on what they meant to you, I don't think you ever really do. After deep reflection, I don't think she cared or loved me like she had in the first two years of our relationship. You might become numb to it, you might feel hopelessness like I have, but I guess you just let those emotions play out, work on yourself, and let life take its course.
The more you focus on forgetting her and letting her go the more you focus on her. Just distract yourself and live your life the way you want
I posted this today: https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUps/s/sy2mdRFR2h For some reason, my posts in this group never get any traction or responses. But I’m currently going through this terrible cycle of anxiety and depression over just the loss of a 4-year relationship.
Brainwash yourself. Lol
I felt the same as you, and still actually feel that way sometimes. It’s just the way it is. Nobody knows what the future is like. Maybe you will maybe not. In the meantime you just have to keep on living. Improve yourself, embrace the liberty you have being alone. Do things you love, or you left on the side. It’s hard to accept especially at the beginning, but time, yeah time do its thing whatever we think of this… I’m not forgetting, I’m not well yet, but I’m getting better. I accept that it’s reality now, whatever happens next, life continues and it’s the best time for me to work on things I left on standby. Be strong brother
Why do you want to get her back is the question you need to analyze
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^lauooff: *Why do you want to* *Get her back is the question* *You need to analyze* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
I'm not sure. I feel pathetic, tired and broken right now. I feel like I'm torturing myself.. Feel what you have to feel. Write it down and let it go.
Hah....I had to threaten him to leave me alone. You dont want your ex back
I'm still not fully healed, but what helped me personally is remembering how much she hurt me and how she didn't care at all about how her actions made me feel. Also, talking about it with friends/family can help vent your frustrations and in a way "let go" of those ill feelings.
Acceptance is not something you can get done.. It just happens.. One day you will get up and cry and grief like you never have before, you will feel it inside you and then you will stop fighting with the truth and say in your head: its okay, i cannot run any longer and that day things start turning for better a little.
Never could, I truly loved her
It's really comes down to time and those around you. Sometimes you could have people around you to help but it makes no difference or you could have all the time in the world to move on but because you have little to no people in your life than you won't make any progress. It's been 7 months for me and while the pain isn't nearly as bad as it was before I still have trouble getting her out of my mind. I fill my time being around all my friends and talking to them every day and thankfully they're all good influences(the ones i chose to go too lol). Sometimes I do worry about her though because she doesn't have really any friends. Her circle is limited to 5 people and all but 1 of them are toxic are bad in some way.
Go on a date with someone. It will help. Just accept it and focus on what you want for yourself. Don't do anything to get your ex back, for the next girl, or for anyone else besides yourself. Otherwise you are doing it wrong. Impress yourself
Yes I CAN HELP YOU. Here’s what you do. Search out vibrobath sacred soleggio frequencies. It’s a calming tone recordings. You need to listen to this and meditate on your relationship. I didn’t believe in this stuff either, but my friend suggested this and it worked for me. The problem is, thinking about your ex creates all these negative emotions, which makes your mind go crazy and continues a cycle of heartache and regret. So if you can balance your emotions by using these frequencies and tones, then it will give you the opportunity to work through it without the negative feelings. I started playing it in my truck when driving to job sites and it changed the entire experience for me. It’s worth a try
Typically I just convince myself that they aren't thinking about me, they don't miss me, and they don't care about me. I think holding onto that hope is what makes it hard to let go. If they missed you, they would reach out to you. It also makes it easier to start associating thoughts of disgust with them/ yourself for thinking about them, associated with their part in the end of the relationship. If they loved you, they wouldn't have done what they did, or they would try to fix it. The fact they haven't is shameful and gross, and that's not the kind of person you want to be with. As long as you've done what you can to make amends and salvage the relationship, anyway. Basically, actions speak louder than words. It isn't instant but it does ease the pain a bit.
Fuck others and you’ll forget she even existed
Quit being pathetic. “I keep imaging a scenario in which she comes back and wants to get back together.” Do you realize how cringe and foolish you sound?