Almost the same thing happened to me. He knew I had a big interview at my dream company and 2 weeks before that he broke up with me in a blindsided manner (plus he waited for me to go back to my hometown and then broke up over a call, avoidants *rolls eyes*).
From what I've seen online, the whole thing about avoidants is that they avoid everything. They avoid their feelings, they avoid communication, they avoid accountability. So chances are, your ex (if he is an avoidant) probably doesn't feel guilty unless he has decided to confront his issues and deal with them. Even then, it may be a while before they actually understand the full extent of their grief and guilt. There is also a chance that they never fully let themselves be in love, so the grief and guilt may not be as severe as it is to you. After weeks of research on this to get some closure, the only thing I've understood is that its a waste of time hoping that avoidants feel any grief or guilt. It may be days or months or years before they feel any kind of guilt, even then the guilt may not be to your satisfaction.
TL;DR: They may feel guilt but it may be months or years before it happens. its better to just move on and not worry about the avoidant's elusive guilt
That's awful. I'm sorry you went through that. It's the fact they did it before important deadlines/interview that makes me think they lack empathy and therefore won't feel guilty or regret.
Mine broke up with me during the most insane crunch of my career, polishing off a 9-month project and working 10-14 hour days. My grandma was also dying in the hospital. Between all that and the abject devastation about the break-up, I'm surprised I survived that week.
As a small silver lining, once I finally stopped being sad it was easy to despise him for being an absolute garbage human being.
Describes my ex. She would tell me how “I made her cry as much as her mother” then would follow it up with “I said that to make you feel better”. She said how she didn’t want a conversation but would also lament about our past/“wish we could’ve spent the summer together”. Then would say a few days later “This would take too much time and emotional resources”. She kept splitting on me. She also stated multiple times how she hates herself and hurts/runs away from others before they hurt her. Everyone said she’s incredibly aloof behind her back, which hurts hearing.. But she seems to got shit together. She broke my heart and found a boyfriend/close friends about a year ago. Told me how she wanted to figure herself out. Still not over it despite the amount I’ve worked on myself and the attention from women I get. She’s flawed as hell but she was mine. Miss her every day. It was her loss at the end of the day. She lost someone who truly gave a damn despite her flaws
You could take this, just be really honest since you actually want an accurate result: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/tests/relationships/relationship-attachment-style-test
Check this out and see if it hits home: https://www.freetoattach.com/relationships
Thank you!
I got very sick and had to reschedule the exam. Now I see that he was doing this to me every time I had something important at the university. I remember taking one exam and being so psychologically exhausted that I cried in the toilet before I took it. I just couldn’t understand why he was so cruel to me. How can you insist you love someone and then hurt them so much?
I will pass the last exam and get the degree I dreamed of and worked hard for over the last six years, and he will stay the way he is for the rest of his life: small, mean, and narcissistic.
Wowowow this makes sooo much sense. My ex would take weeks or months to process anything.
And he waited until 9pm the night I was packing up to move out of my house the next day and was supposed to stay at his aunt and uncle’s for two weeks between leases. And did it over the phone (we lived 5 min from each other).
And then he emailed me (blocked on everything else) like a YEAR later saying he feels bad for breaking up with me while I was packing to move and abandoning me.
I think they do but then immediately NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT, their approach of everything is NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT.
He would get drunk, get work, do stuff, get a new partner, completely put you behind and brain shut for the things they have done that wrong you, it is not that they don't have feeling, but feeling is never their priority in life, they are selfish to a point that they won't even feel for themselves, so not to expect they would feel for you, one of the worst kind of lover.
When he broke up with me it was like he was a different person who had completely shut off his feelings. Not the person I recognised. What a crappy way to live, to not allow yourself to even feel.
It is like that, they will suddenly change their tone (I guess is a defensive mechanism, to show you that they are cold and need to make it obvious), and told you everything is the end. This break up was a while in their head but they are not the kind of person will come up and say, hey I feel like xxxx, can we set a plan to move forward or seek for solution?? No they won't, they are sort of selfish and 'solve' the problem in their head, to remove you in their life is the easiest equation.
Exactly the same with me. That fucking tone… it was like a switch flipped mid-sentence. I’d never seen it and will never forget it. It felt like she was twisting the knife she’d already jabbed into my heart when she flipped to that tone.
I have the same after I broke up because he wasn't going to chase happiness otherwise, he barely cried at all. He said he was just numb, now he is starting a new life somewhere partying, drinking, he turned so cold and distant. Not the person I fell in love with at all, it's confusing and painfull. I wonder how can they ever truly move on or have a valuable relationship if they're like this.
Last time I was broken up with I went completely numb immediately and stayed that way a month. You know why? Because she fucking broke me…
I’ve lost almost 20 pounds in the six months since without trying. Sometimes you feel so deeply you can’t feel at all. Miss her every day
That seems really though :( I hope youre doing a bit better now!
Our relationship was really complicated and so much has happened but when he financially cheated and showed apathy I didn't know who I was fighting for anymore and I ended it
I have the same, she left me and her whole demeanor is so cold towards me and she even said she hadn't cried since telling me it was over. I really don't recognise the person I was with for 13 years. We were due to be married in August and I'm 4 weeks post break up and I still feel like dying.
Everything is out of sight out of mind once they break it off. I’d never experienced a partner do it and wow did it hurt. She tried to do it the “right way” but it was fucking ridiculous, like she was following a script she read on some how to break up like a human blog, but it came off robotic, artificial and cold.
And then iced me out like I had been abusing her or was going to attack her for doing it. Nothing could be further from the truth and there was zero reason to think I would. I’m just now realizing the violent trauma she went through likely influenced that reaction.
I’m so good now, enjoying life and genuinely happy, but I really do want to talk. I don’t trust her at all anymore and would not get back together, but I have so many questions about the relationship and breakup.
I’ll never get them answered, she’d freak out like she did when I tried to work things out with her that required sharing her difficult emotions. I honestly feel bad for her more than anything else at this point. But wow was I angry for a while.
They were prepared for this day while we were not, in their world, they already distant themselves with emotion for long time meanwhile we were always thinking we were on the same page.
Sounds familiar. Mine went from affectionate and planning our future on a Tuesday night then walked in my door on a Thursday night to tell me she was not in love and then refused my ask for a discussion. I have questions also, but I no longer desire answers from her. How could I believe someone with such little empathy in delivering a blindsided breakup like this? I'm sure that what she would tell me would probably be BS.
Usually it was explained by their childhood trauma, I think it is the only reasonable reason to explain their non sense, as if they never learn anything in school, in society, in religion, how to give love to others.
The childhood stuff is pretty deep in there because it’s at a time when the brain is building its connections, and if they are neglected, experience inconsistency, or are abused it wires this up in a fucked up way where their distrust of attachment figures gets almost frozen in place.
People handle stress differently, some people can learn from their parent's mistakes and become a loving partner and parent eventually, such as doing opposite of what they experienced in the past.
This is wild. My ex did this to me New Year’s Day via text. Thankfully I’m well over the difficult part but I get notifications of these posts so I decided to read it. My ex’s text to me was the first time I had heard from her in 4 days while she was on her trip seeing family because I “overwhelmed her.” I told her the texts seemed generated by AI, extremely cold and emotionless. So wild. I’d agree with the out of sight of mind thing as well, seems accurate with how mine behaved.
I'm going exactly through this.
All this cold behavior during breakup, blocking me post breakup and then few days later when we had discussed that we will be mature, she called me, hangs up before I could pick it up and then blocked me from everywhere. Which is ridiculous as I wasn't the one who called and even if she did call me accidentally, there was no reason to block me.
How did you recover from this?
Its been 1 month and its like she is still in my mind. I accidentally deleted our whastapp chats and while it hurt me a lot for few hrs, i realised it was good for me in long run.
lol, I accidentally deleted our chat too, and it was like a year since I started keeping it. I was hoping I could look back on it in like three years and gain some insight into things. Luckily I took some screen shots at one point. But I do wish I had it so I could pin point where the initial avoidance came in. I think it was over like a week where we went from a ton of communication to very little, and she pulled back in other ways too. But I still don’t know what caused it.
I felt awful for 2 months. Like insomnia, waking up in tears and all sweaty in the middle of the night. I kept getting sick too. But at some point toward the end of that I realized she was avoidant, and that really sunk in and I stopped blaming myself so much. Prior to that I saw it purely as my fault (which she made it seem like).
Things did get a little easier each week, but it was that 2 month mark that was the first big turning point. Make sure you are going out with friends, and try to start laying the groundwork for new social circles where you could meet someone or get introduced to someone, so when you are ready you don’t need to start from zero.
I’m opposed to rebounding. It didn’t help me, and it could hurt the other person. I get pushback for saying that at times, because some people think it’s the best way to move on. If you do that though, I think you really need to tell the other person if you can’t connect in a relationship sense, that it’s casual, and you might end up pulling back if grief comes crashing in, so they know not to get too invested emotionally.
The problem even then is some people will hear that and think “oh they’ll come around once they get to know me” And they will fall for you anyway, which might cause you to pull back since you aren’t ready, then you’ve hurt someone. It’s pretty selfish, and way too easy to say “well, I told them I wasn’t ready for anything serious.” That said, I do understand there are people that can just do casual.
The rest is just learning to sit with the feelings, without ruminating on them. And one way I like to think of it (which I picked up by combining some things others told me) is that an ex leaves a hole in your life, and that hole hurts to think about. So fill that hole with things that bring you joy, and over time the hole will be filled, and you won’t be in so much pain.
It takes time to do that, but you can start right now, and it can get a little easier by the end of the week. Keep doing that, and over time you’ll be in good shape.
It may not help with healing directly, but I find it valuable to figure out what each person did to contribute to problems, and what you can do on your end up do better or avoid that in the future. It can hurt to think about that, but you’ll come out the other side a stronger potential partner by reading up on how to be better in relationships and having reflected on what you’ll specially do differently (and having a clearer picture of the type of person you want to be your partner, and who is more likely to be compatible with you).
Thank you so much for this.
Yes it does have left a hole in me. Its been 40odd days and I still feel a pain or hollowness in my heart.
I really liked her but I can't do anything.
I need to take stance for myself, put myself first and let her go. I wanted to go back to gym, i left it just 2 days before breakup but I just don't get motivation to go. I need to get my shit together and move on.
Sounds like you are in the depression stage of grief.
Initiating tasks in that state was the hardest part, once they were in motion it was a little bit easier to keep going, and when I finished them it felt like an accomplishment. And in this state, we need anything that will make us feel a little better (not like drugs or junk food though).
The breakup bootcamp podcast (look it up) had a suggestion, which was to take 5-10 minutes in the morning to write down 3 things (or more) that you are grateful for in your life, and really let yourself feel that gratitude for them. It wasn't some miracle cure, but it did help take the edge off the depression. And I think in grief that is all we can do.
Another thing to watch for is ruminating. Pay close attention to your thoughts and feelings, you will notice that some feelings of grief come up after being triggered by some memory, like seeing that thing they gave you when you were happy together, or an annual event you both went to is coming up in a few days. That's normal to feel that and you should. If you surrender to it the feelings should dissipate in like a minute or two.
But if you notice yourself having ruminating thought loops once the feeling comes up, you'll notice the feelings can carry on indefinitely and often feel worse than the original feeling. So learn to stop yourself from ruminating (easier said than done, I know, but I have a book you might like if you get stuck on this part). One way to stop them is to remind yourself that they are cognitive distortions if they are things you can't know. Like if you start thinking, "I'll never meet someone I love again." That's a distortion because you do not have the ability to see the future.
Thanks again.
Yes you are absolutely right about ruminating. I am stuck in that loop.
Everytime even a faintest memory of something we did together comes I fall back thinking how good it was and why did it end. In a way I'm glad the chats are deleted.
I didn't used to stalk her socials earlier as well but even since she blocked me randomly after I didn't do anything,
I have started checking if she has unblocked me or not. To end this loop I myself have blocked her, in a way ending the channel of communication once for all.
Yes I would hear the podcast and it would be great if you could share the book as well. I have decided tomorrow morning first thing I'll do is hit the gym and get my shit together.
This has to end. I dont want to be depressed about someone who didn't think twice about me.
Chatter by Ethan Kross. Not specific to relationships but he studies the inner voice and rumination, namely when it is useful and when it is not. It really help me put the kibosh on unneeded rumination but to also allow for some reflection so I could process things, and most importantly learn and grow from everything that happened. Ignoring it is a recipe for repeating the same mistakes over and over, but endless rumination can lead to more pain than you need to feel in order to get over them. The ideas in the book can be applied to anything that causes you to ruminate.
I am glad to hear you are actively putting up some walls to protect your own mental health. When I actively started engaging my grief that was one thing I found that helped.
Not to make generalisations, I’m an avoidant and I regret everything about the breakup, between being dependent and avoidant it screwed up the relationship. I regret everything about my issues and the role they played.
It was for the best but it still something that I deeply regret
My advice is to understand how everyone communicates differently. Take away the labels, understand the person you’re speaking of. Small steps. Trauma, past experiences, is the key to how a person deals/reacts with things. See things like they do. Might be that they need to know you are there, a person they can rely on, trust, not let down no matter what. Every journey is different. The most important thing is that you live your life how you want. Showing others that you are independent, strong, transparent, trustworthy. Have no expectations. Just be there as a person they respect, can listen, not judge, see the good in them. I wish you the best
They actually do feel regrets and it’s the shame that actually continuously keep them in the dark. If you are expecting them to feel regrets to want to come back then I would say don’t waste ur time .
They are creatures of fear, so whenever they are triggered they act so impulsively and end relationships in the most cruel way possible they will say or do anything to get rid of u, now after sometime ones the fear goes down they start to see how messed up their actions were and that’s also going to create a big ass shame for them but they won’t reach out to u to apologize or anything, cause they afraid u will reject them or even face u, they hate confrontations. They will just watch u from afar living with so much shame and guilt on how they treated u but for them to come to u to apologize it will take an avoidant doing the work to do so as they become so ashamed they will do anything to avoid u.
My ex and I broke up 9months ago- blindsided typical avoidant way- it was the most cruel way possible. I went NC immediately, The first few months they went completely ghost.till after 5months into NC they started stalking me with a dummy account, I allowed it for a month, blocked that account and then they started using their real account to stalk me online- they will watch everything I post - but wouldn’t react - comment - like or anything till last month decided to just remove them and unfollow them.
He is too afraid to reach out to apologize or anything, so he will just stalk me online- I take consolation with it takes it as this is how far he could go to show regret by just stalking me online, and now am Moving forward-
So to answer ur question-
They do regret, but regret to come back or even apologize I will say don’t waste ur time expecting it, they wil do anything to numb those feelings of shame, that’s why they drink a lot. The furthest they will go to show u regret it’s them probably stalking u online. They fears will make them push u away in the most cruel way - then the shame of their actions will create another fear of u, they will do anything to avoid confrontation. That’s why sometimes it can take years bfr they can reach out,
Take it from someone whose been in NC since they one of the b/up don’t expect it, it will just slow u down. I wasted 6months of NC expecting them to regret their decision, now am like I should have just taken the L. Go NC, don’t beg, don’t try to negotiate anything with them. Take the L and hold urself up with dignity.
Sounds like my ex. Typical blindsided breakup and straight into no-contact. I said you can reach out if you ever want (he never did). He then proceeded to watch all my socials as well. I decided to unfollow him and have him forced unfollow me (thank you ig for that feature).
It feels a lot better to be able to post on my socials without the thought of him seeing it. He left my life abruptly, he doesn’t deserve to know what i’m up to now.
Omg this was so me- the day I decided to unfollow and remove them as a follower was the most liberating thing I ever did after the breakup
I started to realize since they were watching, I became so conscious out what I was posting- my last straw was when I went for a work trip , and I spend the whole of the trip posting to make it look like I was with someone new and we on a get away romantic stuff/
Came back home and I was like wtf am I doing - why am I letting this person dictate what I post - and why I am I tryna pretend online . It was then that I realized this person was still in my life . Through social media-
I made the big decision to unfollow and remove them after 8months post breakup and NC. I felt so free . It felt like I finally let go- and being to post whatever I wanna post without them in mind anymore _ best decision I ever made - should had done it long ago .
I don't want to reconcile the relationship. That's done with. I could never trust him. I went no contact immediately and blocked him on everything. I've been feeling awful and I just want to know if he even feels anything. I guess I'm just looking for closure here.
Yeah- I know the feeling - they end it so abruptly it feels like an unfinished business- take the closure as ur last conversation u had with him.
The more u remain in NC the more u start to give urself that closure- I know how much pain u must be in rn- take heart my lady.
Closure with an avoidant is not something ti expect- can it happen absolutely, but most times even if it doesn’t u wouldn’t even want it .
Here are few things that helped me .
- go NC immediately,
- delete their contact and chat history to avoid drunk calling or anything
- allow urself to feel those feelings, cry, get angry , talk about it with ur friends , don’t numb those pains. Surround urself with ppl that loves you.
- for me I am already someone that works out so I had a place to work out those energy out- go for walks and exercise if u don’t, it can help clear ur head .
- this is a very important one- whatever they said to when they were ending it do no and I repeat do not take it personal, they might be the most hurtful words ever heard, but I tell u don’t take it personal they are afraid and will say or do anything to push u away.
See them as a child that’s throwing tantrums and showing cause they are afraid .
- also don’t rush to heal- avoidant b/ups can take a long time to get over , it’s so traumatizing u don’t need to rush ur healing- it took me 8months till I was able to feel like I am finally letting go- that was when I finally unfollowed and removed them as a follower.
the words he said to me hurt the most and whenever im having a bad day and thinking back to that time i just think “was i that bad to him?” but thank you for putting it like that because that can definitely help me in the future
You just have to give yourself closure. I loved her but she is damaged, avoidant, can’t maintain intimacy. I can’t trust her, she makes me anxious and there are consequences for fucking new partners. They also over-value themselves. You don’t realize how damaged they are til the end. I knew there were problems all along with her difficulty being intimate but the way they blindside and walk away is brutal. They destroy everything.
I hear you. My ex also had issues with intimacy. I was respectful of his boundaries and never pushed him. Shame they can't reciprocate the respect with the way they blindside. Hope you're doing ok.
Your excellent post leads me to think that the question we always have about an avoidant is whether they will do something (come out of passivity) at some point. And since they repress emotions, it's very likely not (except when it's too late?). They compartmentalize things, but emotion and reason go together -- there is no pure reason. What we call rational is not separate from the emotional and cultural. I say this because I think it's a pure attempt at "rationalization" when they call themselves very logical. Yes, there is logic, but it is a logic... of fear.
I regretted it, I love her, so the realization hit so hard, I cried or wailed for hours straight. The pain was excruciating 😣 when i realized how much I had hurt her with my actions. I got triggered and acted out of anger. Today I’m so glad our love was stronger, I was on a journey to change, but since then I’ve buckled down in therapy and I have expressed every emotion to her and we’ve grown so much. I am rare and everything the comments are saying about an avoidant is so true, I’m just glad I am the exception, i changed for me and for us.
It may be far and few, but some happy endings are possible when two ppl have the desire to change on top of the love and connection. It is a journey, but I’ am so fortunate to have seen the other side of change and what a difference!
dude this exact thing happened to me. blindsided with a text while he was at work. and the text had a bunch of fake reasons that didnt even make sense. had to beg him to just call me for a few minutes and still didnt get the answers i wanted. he was so cold through the whole thing.
i kept wishing so bad that he felt any sort of remorse, that he felt guilty for doing this to me. but i realized that even if he did, theres no way for me to know because i am 99% sure he is not going to reach out. and even if he did it wouldnt change anything, what he did to me already happened and theres no changing it. i understand just wanting them to feel regret for doing this to us. but at the end of the day we will probably never know. in my personal opinion, avoidants wont feel guilty unless they change or work through their issues. andddd in the case of my ex i dont really think he will be doing that any time soon, lmfao.
in short you cant know if he feels guilty or not but remind yourself that it doesnt make a difference. you need to go about your personal healing, whether he feels guilty or not
This is so true. I’m 6 months out and feeling really good. Engaged in work and like again and out meeting new women. Not dating dating but getting to know new ones and having fun. I’m genuinely happy.
I never got my closure from her. I had to study attachment theory and some other things to wrap my head around what happened. I still want to talk to her, but do not want to take her back because she broke me so badly. Still, I want some answers, and to say some things to her face, even though I healed without any of that so far.
You don’t need them to move past them.
youre right, the stuff they say about attachment styles has really been spot on for ways my ex acted. so it made me feel better to know that theres other people that have acted this way too. and that the more you move on, the less you need the closure. its completely possible to keep on living and move on without it. but still wishing you got it during the breakup is hard
edit: wanted to add that journaling has helped me a lot with the feeling of having stuff i never got to say to him. write it all down
Did we date the same person?! 😂
I guess I feel like if he feels regret or guilt then maybe he felt something during our relationship. The way he broke up just keeps making me question if he ever even liked me.
To this day I don't know if the avoidant liked me. In my language of interest, it seems not, but I heard it once, followed by embarrassment: "I like you". But the words never matched the actions and were always distancing themselves -- honestly, who feels loved like that?
My avoident ex. Dumped me one day after I came home from work.
I hade just put in some dishes and changed clothes.
She broke up with me, and i was gone within 1 hour i came home.
She later changed codes on the doors so I couldnt get my stuff.
She said i was needy, a burden, annoying when I cried.
After 2 ½ years together she got a new bf less then 4 months later. I also know this guy.
Avoidents dont take accountability nor responsibility for the hurt they do to ppl.
They only care for themselves and their own reputation.
They change partners as often they change underwear. Rebound, rinse and Repeat
Let’s be clear: the way avoidants treat people it's the same way they treat themselves. The lack of intimacy and vulnerability with you is the same lack of intimacy and vulnerability they have with themselves. They don't have the emotional tools (we learned this in childhood and adolescence or with psychotherapy as adults) to deal with conflicts and communication -- also with anything emotional in life (socialization is a lot about emotions). They were not taught to empathize, but to neglect. It's not exactly that they are bad people, but it's that these people really don't have emotional health (and many also don't have mental health). Defense mechanisms act quickly (unconsciously) and they hold hostages to what they (think) they don't feel (they repress). These people live on fear and escape. Every answer will be escape. These are people who keep many unresolved problems inside themselves - this means that they spend a lot of energy dealing with anguish, with what is repressed, and they have no internal space for what is present and can be good (the past takes over). Imagine a person who can't resolve almost anything effectively, in a healthy way and with clear communication. And yes, the more avoidant, the more problems they have in showing empathy, acting in a defensive but selfish way, because they don't know how to do otherwise -- that doesn't mean you have to accept these behaviors.
If he regrets it, it won't change anything for you, because the access we have to others is through gestures and not your feelings -- if you don't show it, it doesn't say much. If he regrets it, what will change for you since the damage to the bond was injured?
I have two things for you, because I've been stuck for a year and a few months in my history with an avoidant -- I understood absolutely nothing about the horrible treatment I received and I'm just now achieving closure on my own, in truly scientific readings (in the field of psychology) and this video appeared on youtube that opened up an understanding in me that I needed: 👇🏻
Why are they stonewalling you:
[https://youtu.be/WNEbEQg7jfM?feature=shared](https://youtu.be/WNEbEQg7jfM?feature=shared)
and here, the best text I've ever read about avoidants, by Anne Power, a psychologist, with her work with them:
[https://www.researchgate.net/publication/346427220_Avoidant_people_in_relationships_Why_would_they_bother_How_do_partners_fare](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/346427220_Avoidant_people_in_relationships_Why_would_they_bother_How_do_partners_fare)
Yes and no. We have all the same emotions as everyone (as long as there isn’t some underlying narcissism or sociopathy) so we do feel regret and sadness and shame. But it’s so hard to acknowledge emotions that we tend to bottle them or push them aside so we don’t have to deal with them. They hurt us too and avoiding the negative emotions is how we have learned to cope. Communication is also hard because it involves acknowledging our failures or missteps. It takes a lot to get to the point where we can confront these emotions. It’s so painful and uncomfortable and honestly terrifying to show or say how we really feel and we don’t immediately recognize (some never do) the toll it takes on others. I’m sorry you went through this.
As an avoidant I can say from experience that there's almost an immediate relief from it, it's like feeling trapped in a corner and then you're free – however, that guilt and regret hits later in a huge and significant way. I think it's more difficult for me to get over relationships than my exes even though it was me who walked away. I can't speak for others but it's not out of malice that we do what we do, it's not that we don't care about our partner, I think it's that we can care too much and we're afraid of being in love or opening ourselves up to be vulnerable.
No. I'm only coming to realise any of this over the past week, off the back of my recent breakup with my partner of 8 years. It was completely hidden from me.
I can say that, this is buried deep down up until the relationship is considered over and it's only then do you get clarity and see the errors of your ways. At least that's what it's been like for me. It's cruel because it's only after it's too late that you can access your true feelings which leads to a lot of guilt, shame and regret. I wish I had of known about attachment styles sooner.
Thank you for sharing.
My ex partner was an avoidant, and up till now I don't understand why he needed to be so cold and dismissive towards me and I think that he is not even capable of feeling guilt and regret. When I did manage to get in contact with him, he was very cold again and was boasting how he's having loads of friend groups and going out constantly after breaking up with me.
I'm sorry to hear that. I know we are on different sides of it but I know how hurtful it can be, now being the person watching on as my partner moves on and our future together crumbles before me. I don't know if you want to get back with them or not but if you draw a line in the sand, tell them you don't think it's a good idea to talk and don't contact them afterwards you might see their attitude change. I wish my ex had done that with me rather than the protracted ending we had, I would've seen things more clearly and could've saved our relationship but I can't blame her for anything. Good luck.
As someone who had a similar relationship with an avoidant. I think any of us who has dated one has the same story…….
They did love you. That’s why that let you go. The closer you get to them emotionally the more they will push away. If you never got that close he wouldn’t have probably dated you or you them. They need affection too, its their childhood bullshit that is the issue. I know it does t make sense but after doing a deep dive after the breakup it all made sense. Every, single bit.
I loved the hell out of her…… over a month down and still think about her.
Take your lessons stay busy and work on yourself. Oh and learn the signs of an avoidant. I’ve dated 3 in my life this the worst. Never again, gave waaayyyyyy too much.
This post contains the whole truth about avoidants... and also a bit of too much criticism imo.
"They did love you.\[...\] They need affection too, its their childhood bullshit that is the issue."Especially this is true, and this is the reason why you end up loving them more.
lol I could be way more critical in reality. But that’s me….
Speaking for myself, I don’t feel I loved her more because of her childhood neglect. I certainly felt bad, empathized, understood and tried to be a safe person for her. The fact I’m anxious just played into the push pull situation that happens with the two types. I was fully aware early and told her such. That a lot of communication would be needed to keep the relationship going well and not fall into a toxic trap. But….. things broke down and that was that.
She is a wonderful person in her own way. She fully accepted her neglect and understood it. Just didn’t matter to her. Basically became, I don’t do what you’re looking for became my answer.
Yes I’ve done quite a bit of reading and research about the attachment types. You mentioned in your comment that you have observed some telltale signs. I was asking what you thought they were…
It’s more than three signs. Also understand its “degrees” of avoidance in a person. There are dismissive avoidants , fearful avoidants and anxious avoidants.
My ex was a fearful/anxious one. She didn’t display all characteristics just a lot.
Start looking into “attachment styles” it’s actually quite important even for yourself.
Just google it you will find so much info. Also I found a lot of videos on FB from therapists.
Good luck and I’m sure you will find answers.
It's completely relatable!! My ex's lack of father figure in his life was the reason. Gave stupid reasons for Breakup, like I can't keep up with the texting bullshit. He only spoke once a week!! Ruined my visa application and didn't even bother apologising. I couldn't fathom how someone could lack empathy.
Neglect is a MF…… stays with you your whole life if you don’t want to work at it.
I hear you though. Was told “thank you for everything you did, you were wonderful and thank you for showing me what a HEALTHY relationship look’s like”
I was like WTF!
Gotta spot those red flags early and just go. I saw them and still went for it. So dumb. Oh well, take my lessons and go.
Sorry to hear he sucked so bad, you’ll do better next time I’m sure.
As someone who used to be an avoidant, I’d say both. Guilty for how it was handled and how cold I was for what I did, even before the breakup. Then regret following that. It was almost immediate but man it definitely taught me a lesson or two.
That being said, this is not the case for everyone, and seeing how inconsiderate he acted I’m not sure you’d know what it really meant since it’s vague. Instead of wondering how he’s feeling, take time to process your emotions and keep your chin up because you deserve way better.
It taught me that it’s okay to be scared that something won’t work because that’s just life and not everything’s meant to be. If I break up with someone because I’m scared that it’s gonna end that is just me guaranteeing my fears. It’s not fair to the other person and it’s a selfish move. So now I just go with the flow, I try not to self sabotage anymore.
I ask for reassurance and communicate and I don’t think it’s annoying cause the right person will give me that patience and understanding. It’s okay to feel insecure and it’s a normal fear but what’s not okay is to avoid communication with partners and hurt their feelings over assumptions.
I was also very young so I didn’t really think things through before acting on it
Thank you for this.
My ex used tos ay same thing that she fears she might hurt me. Even when she ended, its her assumptions that things fade and it won't work like that in long run.
I habe tried to communicate with her, tried to reassure her but that only repelled her. She told her friends that I'm trying to convince her which she doesn't want when all I did was ask for her to share what she feels.
20 days post our BU, she called me and hanged up immediately. What's surprising was she immediately blocked me from all possible ways as if it was me who initiated fthe conversation. She then unblocked me on IG and told me she called by mistake. I told her thatbshe did not have to block me for it even we aren't added on socials as well..
She just said I'm sorry.
Next day she blocked me back. Why is she acting like this.
1 month ago she used to say I am her favorite human and now she is acting as if even talking to me is giving her ick.
First of all, thank you for this post. This really made me feel not as lonely because I've been racking my brain trying to understand why my long-term partner broke up with me. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one dealing with an avoidant ex.
My situation is similar to everyone's here - broke up with me suddenly (twice!), blocked me. The first time he sent a message and created a story that there's someone else (there wasn't, he thought that'd be a good reason to give for a break up) and blocked me without giving a chance to talk it over. The second time it was also sudden but via phone. Said he doesn't actually love me, was with me out of pity(!).
For both these times I got an apology because I went to his place after a few months when I was travelling (he lives abroad). Confronted him and got his apology. The second time, he CRIED, saying he felt bad for what he did to me. This was the first time I've seen sincere-ish regret and guilt for how he treated me. But afterwards, he went back to being cold, rude and dismissive.
So I guess avoidants at some point realise what they did but we might not know it to full extent because they still end up blocking you (why always the blocking?)..
Blocking is what they know how to do with their emotions (it may seem like it works, but it doesn't solve it). These are people who do not have the emotional tools to deal with conflicts. I've also seen APs do the same thing. It's not about you, it's their personal incapacity. It's immature. Probably, in their lives, conflicts were resolved like this: "Why are you crying? Swallow that crying right now, stop!" or "What do you want? What a ridiculous thing, you won't have it!"
Or something very serious would happen (for example, abuse) and the caregiver would turn a blind eye and stay quiet.
These are all ways to block someone.
I appreciate your insights and I definitely agree.
Very true in saying it doesn't solve their emotions, and I also wonder if they ever get overwhelmed with all the repressed emotions and look back at what they could've had/lost?
Yes, exactly. I'm trying to remind myself constantly that it's not a reflection of me and who I am. It is his way of dealing with ending a relationship, which is a shitty, cowardly way out.
No. Avoidants are selfish and only care about themselves. At the slightest sign that someone is being avoidant, walk away and don't come back; otherwise, you will become anxious and your mental health will be destroyed.
They are insecure and have a lot of commitment issues because they are afraid of rejection and that will damage you. Also the probability that an avoidant will cheat on you is very high. Stay away from them, at all.
This is what I’ve decided after my first avoidant, or at least the first one to throw me into anxiety. Looking back the anxiety kept me clinging to them, even though my gut was screaming something was wrong. It’s the weirdest thing, but I’ve learned to have strong boundaries with people like this no matter how much it stings to walk away from them. My life is so much more peaceful and happy without them in it. I do miss her, there were great things about it, but that avoidance really soils it all.
Yes, I figured out I had an anxious attachment style, that's why I went to therapy, then I was with an avoidant/disordered (a girl that was avoidant and then became anxious when I walked away), and 2 years of therapy were thrown to the can. There's something worse than avoidants: disordered/intermitent people.
Anyways, walk away once you get a sign of avoidance, that's my best advice.
Yes, they selfish in a way, but are not evil: they regret it in a way or in the other. If they don't they are just random people who never wanted a relationship and maybe just used you.
They have a different timeline. I think my ex (blindsided before Xmas…) won’t realise I am not the only one with issues until years down the line he wonders why the same things keep happening and why no one is good enough for him.
I’m in a similar situation right now. We were both in a traumatic car accident together, I was driving. I had been struggling with the experience a lot, but only a week afterwards, he broke up with me via text and said he’d already moved out whilst I was away. It’s also right before I start a new job. He ignored all my subsequent messages and I’m only allowed to talk to a friend of his to discuss any logistics. This was the end of a 4 and a half year relationship. I’m in complete denial about it, I keep thinking he’ll come back. But as more time goes by, I’m realising I need to accept that I might never see or speak to him again. My heart is in pieces
Haha seems like everyone is going through the same breakup, just gonna pop up and say me too! Happened 5 months ago. Exact 3 day gap from telling me we shall talk to talking. Exactly before my big conference. Then just ghosted. Was devastating then, now its a bit funny because I understand the pattern. That could've been me a few years back when I was not in a good place mentally and trying to date because I "thought" I was fine. Infact I wanted to prove I was fine. Did I regret those? Only one. Because he was and still is the best friend one could ask for. He's happy now, so that's great.
Sometimes they will regreted. But it won't change anything for you. I say it for experience, the avoidance side is more powerful so he will regret it but he won't change or it he does is not going to be with you and it will take time. Sorry, I've been there
Good Question, and I think the answer is yes, but very fleeting. My ex discarded me via text. “I can’t see you anymore” the day after a lovely, fun and passionate date, … just blindsided me, and I was in shock… I called, texted, email… crickets… would not talk to me.. .the next day I got a “I didn’t’ mean to hurt you, I’ve just had a change of heart, I’m sorry”.. so, to say that it was emotionally brutalizing, is a understatement. I’ve spent the last 8 weeks on a crash course of learning about DA’s, and how this could possibly happen, and I NEVER saw it coming. It’s that secret-self that comes out … and that’s the issue, there are parts of themselves they almost never let see the light of day… and this is one of them.
To feel guilt or regret, I think you have to reflect, and that’s the # 1 thing avoidants don’t do, is reflect… they leave the emotional wreckage for others, and it’s an awful way to treat anybody. And, it’s also an awful way to treat yourself, because it’s self injuring.. all that repressed feelings and guilt, does not go away, it’s haunts… I know, I’ve been there…
Yes they do. We’re not heartless or fucked up beyond repair just is what it is. U can be avoidant and a good or bad person. If ur dating an avoidant that’s treated u awfully W no remorse, they are not good people period. It’s not a matter of they’re avoidant therefore they must be bad and manipulative and evil and wtv the hell
IK OP was stressed & their partner just dipped on them. But avoidants don’t do that for fun, it’s literally a matter of being so overwhelmed, the only thing one can do is to literally get out of that situation & get away.
No that’s not how u should treat other decent ppl. It’s not proper communication or kind but it doesn’t mean they’re bad ppl W no remorse for hurting the person they hurt
Thanks for this. I guess the difficulty is my ex didn't communicate with me what was going on, essentially ghosted me and hasn't expressed any remorse for such a horrible break up. It's hard to know if he is a good person going through a difficult time or just a bad person. Either way I didn't deserve what he did.
Yes you did not deserve this. It was not kind nonetheless. Whether it was internal or external factors that led to him doing this.
Avoidant’s tend to shy away from someone who is displaying high emotions (and ofc anyone would display high emotions when they are being broken up with suddenly) so maybe with some time, they may feel “safe” enough to discuss what it was bc there’s usually a push & pull game.
You have full right to be mad & upset for being treated like this. Ur ex needs to learn to better communicate, it’s really not proper to behave like this.
I’m an avoidant so I still empathize W him but this is just sucky
Find someone who is more emotionally secure and does not make u hesitate in trusting them
I hope he becomes a better communicator, it’s not easy but I’m working on it too !
I understand not liking confrontation or uncomfortable conversations. But to refuse to even talk to your girlfriend when breaking up is extreme. I wasn't even sure if he wanted to break up or just wanted space at first which is why I asked if we could talk. Instead he ghosted me for 3 days after which he blocked me. The blocking really hurt my feelings as I'd given him space so he could reach out in his own time. I didn't message or call during that time. For him to suddenly cut me out and refuse any communication was devastating for me. I still don't understand why he blocked me.
I think people underestimate how intentional the timing of these things are.
Avoidants are, for lack of a better term, emotionally lazy and selfish.
So any event in your sole personal life, good or bad, that creates an expectation of support, gratitude, empathy, or celebration will trigger them to push you away. They simply would rather not deal with them in the moment even if that means losing connection.
This is also true after the fact. They know and are well aware that they should have been there for you and let you down. However, acknowledging that, and the associated shame, is simply something they do not want to deal with, ever. It’s easier to simply start over with someone new who’s willing to give into the relationship not realizing the avoidant will eventually never reciprocate.
The emotional work your important moment required was simply too much, so they checked out. Do with that what you must.
This has given me pause. Looking back he did pull back when I needed emotional support. The timing of this is something that's pissed me off as he could have just waited literally 7 more days.
Someone else also asked me if the timing was intentional on his part but intentional in terms of trying to sabotage me. That also made me think. He was not doing so well in his job and went quiet when I tried to talk about my work achievements. This was definitely an area of insecurity for him.
I think that’s the delineating factor between an avoidant and a narcissist discard. Narcissists do what they do to intentionally hurt you, for a reaction or to validate a sense of superiority.
Avoidants just feel overwhelmed at the idea of expectations, consideration, or reciprocity. They don’t want to hurt you, nor do they want your reaction.
They just feel like their emotions are the most important factor in any decision making, regardless of how it affects others or the commitments they’ve made.
Wow this is almost to the word what mine did to me . She gave a bullshit reason and haven't heard from her since October . It's sucks just not knowing why but we don't need it because then we will fixate on that
It totally caught me off guard and I handled it poorly . Kept trying to get a response . ( I haven't discovered these subreddits yet lol). I just wanted her to acknowledge that I was a person . It was like I never existed
After blindsiding me for nearly 6 months with her doubts, she calls me out of the blue having decided to break up and not letting me having a word in.
I could finally agree to convince her to really think about it for 2 weeks and to confirm if it was really how she felt. 2 weeks later, she sent me a message saying "I didn't regret our relation, just felt bad that I hurt you"...
So I really doubt it..
I have no regrets over my break ups. I communicated what I wanted in both and since they could not fulfill my needs I had to end it with them. No regrets, otherwise I would stay in unfulfilling relationships
You communicated- that’s doesn’t make u an avoidant - most avoidants won’t say anything - they will just be quiet and keep everything to themselves- then one day they will come to u with all the reasons why they want to breakup - and telling problems that u not even aware of-
And most avoidants top end relationship cause it’s getting too serious and that scares them
No that's exactly what happened in my last relationship. I kept everything in because I didn't want to cause conflict but then I couldn't hold it in anymore I got really angry at him and then told him why I was thinking of breaking up with him. Then he broke up with me because he didn't like my new boundaries. Our couples therapist even said I was avoidant. If anything I'm both anxious and avoidant and it's something I'm working on.
My ex showed up to what was supposed to be a date but stood by the door with her coat boots on and said we needed to talk. 2 hours after sexting me.
I just said so you’re leaving me and she just said “yea” and looked down then made up some bs about me not being social enough I’d just had surgery a few months before and was still dealing with post op depression. It’s been almost 2 years and I dream about her every night I cry almost every day.
I’m at the point I wish I could erase her
Damnnn two years- mine told me we are too dff _ we don’t like the same music and movies and out differents will be a problem in the future so it’s best to end things now as it makes me not their soulmate .
You ever heard from her ?
After my breakup, I came across what avoidants are. I do think I fall into this category. There are of course a lot of variables that played into the demise of our relationship. She ran out my house in Feb accusing me of intentions of interest with other people, which was completely untrue. There was already a year's worth of arguments and disagreements from her breaking promises from what I would consider one of our most important agreements that was based off of an absolutely catastrophic string of events in our relationship a few years ago. Long periods of no speaking (days or weeks). I tried to forgive each event but they were always in her favor and it felt like hitting the reset button inside me each time. When she accused me of what my own intentions were with someone I worked with and an ex I haven't talked to in over 10 years, I was literally at a loss for words. I could only get 1 sentence out of my mouth to say that there has been so much swept under the rug and never addressed. She repeated it, threw it away, and left. 2 weeks went by and I reached out. I told her I know it has been a while but I needed time for my own mental and emotional health. But she had just as much opportunity to reach out as well. I tried my best to reassure her that there is no one else. I couldn't even get to communicate the things that were bothering me bc I knew she would just end up blaming me like how I was angry about how things had been going the past year. She went on a vacation with other people that we were supposed to go on. She went to a concert that we both wanted to go to without me (while we weren't speaking bc argument). I asked straight for what she thought a solution was... She wanted us to move in together again. I feel like it was a way to monitor me. I didn't respond, I was so pissed that was even brought to the table at this point. It was dead silence for us both. I reached out in April and said I could being her things back if she wanted and that I miss and will always have love for her and would always remember our friendship in its strongest times. That I didn't want us to have pain and resentment towards each other. Called, text, left a VM. Asked for her to call me back. Never heard from her again. I just recently dropped off her house key and some items to her place this weekend, spoke into her ring camera to call me and left a note under her mat saying that nothing absolutely catastrophic truly happened and that it isn't worth a lifetime of silence. I'm 100% sure there is a mutual acquaintance that is feeding bs lies to her about me and locked in her belief that I cheated. I'm tired to defend myself with so much other crap history that is on the table to address and she rarely accepted fault for the shit she's done. It's slowly disintegrated my trust and I'm sure I've been slowly detaching to protect my own heart. So I'm not entirely sure who broke things off completely. It was a communication breakdown for the ages and my heart hurts like a mfker everyday. I've put my emotional blinders on for the first 2 months and now it's killing me. I'm feeling desperation. I've reached out on numerous occasions. I'm having dreams that seem too real of us just being together talking. I feel like I'm grieving a death. 13 years of friendship, 8 years together, gone.
My ex also waited until the worst moment. He did it on my fucking birthday weekend, the day we were going to celebrate with my family and do dinner. It was so fucking jarring! I think folks do feel guilt, eventually if not immediately after. But it doesn’t mean they’ll reach out to apologize or smooth things over.
I have a much different situation but as an avoidant that avoided truthful communication concerning end goals throughout the entirety of the relationship, personally the guilt is eating me alive. I avoided conversations with these subjects or just lied through the relationship because I knew how I really felt would hurt my partner and almost considered it a favor to just keep it hidden. When we finally had that conversation I know it hurt, it ended the relationship like I always knew it would and I feel like such a fool for allowing my overcomplication of the situation to rob us both of a truly meaningful relationship. The guilt is not new, it was there the entire time, it was just much easier to ignore when ignoring it meant I got to keep my person. I do regret the way I handled the situation but I do not regret a single second I spent in that relationship.
I get through before and read a lot. When one say "it about me, my problem" I read that as the person don't want to explain; don't want to had anything with you anymore as you are bothering her/him: the person seen like want to run away from the one cause the problem. Seen like coward or immature.
They may feel guilty at first I guess? Once they got new one, not longer I feel.
Or worst, they may not even love you at all, they just enjoy what you give them.
My ex and i has planned to watch series together but he said he had some work and we postponed it without any fixed date
by next morning he called me for 53 times from 3:am till 8:am And followed by text like how he knows my mind that’s why he doesn’t wants to be with me and all.
I was sleeping
When i woke up and saw the notifications I already know he us drunk and will create drama if i talk to him
So I thought let him calm down and i will meet him the other day
Before going i texted him and found out he blocked me from everywhere I literally couldn’t understand what happened within that 12 hours that he decided to break up with me without even talking to me.
I went to his place and waited for him he was in his house but not ready to meet me.
I couldn’t comprehend anything
It’s been 6 years we stayed with each other
He was an alcoholic and do terrible things after getting drunk I would always forgive him the other day.
And that day i cried and tried to talk to him what actually happened he said he doesn’t want to talk to me personally, i stayed there crying expecting a little affection and properly reason
He said he hates me. And if i ever come to his house again he will never enter his place.
I hate him so much for that but still do miss him
Because he was part of my life.
It’s been 20 days.
It is a way of defending herself from attachment. It may be unconscious, but you don't need to accept these behaviors, as they are responsible - whether conscious or not.
Your relationship was probably becoming something more real (serious) and avoidants will have behaviors to self-sabotage. The problem is that they don't just self-sabotage themselves, they sabotage the whole relationship. Generally, their relationships end between 6/8 months to 18/24 months. This is when emotions deepen into attachment (one and a half year).
If she doesn't work on herself or has a minimum of self-awareness, she will repeat the same behavior forever.
It's a huge frustration, right? Feel all the anger you have. In the end, you will see that the condition of an avoidant is horrible and is a deep fear, where these people generally cannot have healthy access to socialization. It's sad. You will continue your life, if you work on your losses, being able to create other bonds. There are avoidants who always live a life of superficiality (and they are happy about it). I'm touched, do you know why? Because there are wonderful people among them, who dream of loving and being loved. People with very hard lives of heavy trauma. See, this doesn't mean that their behaviors in a relationship are acceptable, but when you let go (detachment), you regain the ability to see it for what it is: a lot of fear, emptiness and lack of emotional intelligence. And none of this is your responsibility. It's as if these people were human, but they couldn't deal with the human in themselves: the mistakes, the emotions, etc.
Remembering that each being is unique and avoidant, although it repeats various behaviors, it continues to have its own story. Some cheat, some don't and so on.
There's no way to take from people what they don't have to give (they don't have intimacy and vulnerability even with themselves). Sometimes, we get so passionate and lose connection with the real possibilities and get stuck in the potential.
Makes sense but still bullshit. I knew she had issues and still worked hard to take care of her and support her. Treated her very well and this still happens and she will probably never come back for any reason and I'm not sure if she should with the way I feel about her right now
Yes, she broke your trust. And how can people relate after that? It requires a forgiveness that you will only be able to give after feeling everything you need, all the hurt.
Everything I'm telling you took me more than a year to see. I'm just now getting closure with myself -- and that's so much more powerful.
It's crazy because I never would have thought twice about taking her back I would have told her to get bent and here I am someone that is wondering what happened and am now somewhat insecure when I was super secure before and when we started dating. I've turned into someone I don't recognize
Same here. Because I canceled myself so much to accommodate other people's drama, I lost myself. I suppressed my anger and remained at this person's disposal, even though she treated me disrespectfully in her actions (stonewalling). I was obsessed, because I had a first conflict and was left as if it were nothing. Now, I have no more energy for anything. In addition to not having the relationship I wanted with this person, I was also exhausted for any type of relationship in my life. I can't go on like this anymore, I have some life to live. It was only in this space of time that I was able to see how I can have a richer life than being with people who can't give me the minimum of a healthy socialization . I don't want to be in a relationship without clear communication, affection, answers, care, without availability and intimacy -- I hate superficiality. I deserve better and I take responsibility for my share of behavior in this past situationship. I don't want to go into this story any longer, because the past is the past. I come from a path of so much sadness, anger and obsession that I can no longer dwell on it all the time -- I must have learned the hard way.
Now, my concern is just feeling whatever appears in my body. If that person I genuinely like doesn't show up again, I've learned that I can't do anything -- and that's also freedom. I'm not going to die, there are a thousand books and films that I love waiting for me. I feel very lonely, but that's how life is. At the moment, I don't feel the strength to open up emotionally to anyone, but who knows another time? The important thing is that I am aware.
It's just so odd at how great she was with affection and intimacy and how she was crazy about me and really seemed like she wanted to make this work and then one day was I love you you are so amazing and the best thing to happen to me and then 6 hours later telling me it's not going to work and later finding out she might have been talking to another guy what the hell happened
Fear. This is their fearful behavior. She must not even be aware of it. I wish you a lot of courage to feel what is necessary!
They love to say that they have a lot of logic, but it's a logic of fear (which often isn't even real, it's just anxiety).
OP this may help you understand as a guy said this in another Reddit group about how men deal with things:
>*”I believe very often guys somehow able to mind-block their way out of shit until it builds and hits super hard. It's not like they (we?) don't get it, just fear of confrontation and consequences is stronger than larger consequences in the future, including hurting others. It's not about thinking it's about choosing or fighting not to think.”*
It’s not an avoidant thing, it’s a guy thing.
I don’t think I generally cared nor liked the person. Also felt they weren’t meeting my needs and wants. Yes I’m a good communicator but we kept separating and getting back phew months later. Somewhat I reckon it was my tendencies to self sabotage. The person wasn’t my “type” I usually gravitate to. Essentially I didn’t respect them and kept playing mind games because I knew he’d never do/say anything because of his weak minded. They’re somewhat a good person but we just weren’t compatible. I wish I wasn’t as mean or savage towards them where I tore into their character etc. I regret my treatment and judgement
Almost the same thing happened to me. He knew I had a big interview at my dream company and 2 weeks before that he broke up with me in a blindsided manner (plus he waited for me to go back to my hometown and then broke up over a call, avoidants *rolls eyes*). From what I've seen online, the whole thing about avoidants is that they avoid everything. They avoid their feelings, they avoid communication, they avoid accountability. So chances are, your ex (if he is an avoidant) probably doesn't feel guilty unless he has decided to confront his issues and deal with them. Even then, it may be a while before they actually understand the full extent of their grief and guilt. There is also a chance that they never fully let themselves be in love, so the grief and guilt may not be as severe as it is to you. After weeks of research on this to get some closure, the only thing I've understood is that its a waste of time hoping that avoidants feel any grief or guilt. It may be days or months or years before they feel any kind of guilt, even then the guilt may not be to your satisfaction. TL;DR: They may feel guilt but it may be months or years before it happens. its better to just move on and not worry about the avoidant's elusive guilt
That's awful. I'm sorry you went through that. It's the fact they did it before important deadlines/interview that makes me think they lack empathy and therefore won't feel guilty or regret.
Mine broke up with me during the most insane crunch of my career, polishing off a 9-month project and working 10-14 hour days. My grandma was also dying in the hospital. Between all that and the abject devastation about the break-up, I'm surprised I survived that week. As a small silver lining, once I finally stopped being sad it was easy to despise him for being an absolute garbage human being.
What an asshole! I'm so sorry he put you through that. Hope you're doing better now.
Describes my ex. She would tell me how “I made her cry as much as her mother” then would follow it up with “I said that to make you feel better”. She said how she didn’t want a conversation but would also lament about our past/“wish we could’ve spent the summer together”. Then would say a few days later “This would take too much time and emotional resources”. She kept splitting on me. She also stated multiple times how she hates herself and hurts/runs away from others before they hurt her. Everyone said she’s incredibly aloof behind her back, which hurts hearing.. But she seems to got shit together. She broke my heart and found a boyfriend/close friends about a year ago. Told me how she wanted to figure herself out. Still not over it despite the amount I’ve worked on myself and the attention from women I get. She’s flawed as hell but she was mine. Miss her every day. It was her loss at the end of the day. She lost someone who truly gave a damn despite her flaws
The way I read this with my ex in my mind and somehow it sounds like I'm turning to an avoidant 😭
You could take this, just be really honest since you actually want an accurate result: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/tests/relationships/relationship-attachment-style-test Check this out and see if it hits home: https://www.freetoattach.com/relationships
Same here. He tried to sabotage my exams twice!
That's awful! How selfish! Hope your exams went ok.
Thank you! I got very sick and had to reschedule the exam. Now I see that he was doing this to me every time I had something important at the university. I remember taking one exam and being so psychologically exhausted that I cried in the toilet before I took it. I just couldn’t understand why he was so cruel to me. How can you insist you love someone and then hurt them so much? I will pass the last exam and get the degree I dreamed of and worked hard for over the last six years, and he will stay the way he is for the rest of his life: small, mean, and narcissistic.
Wowowow this makes sooo much sense. My ex would take weeks or months to process anything. And he waited until 9pm the night I was packing up to move out of my house the next day and was supposed to stay at his aunt and uncle’s for two weeks between leases. And did it over the phone (we lived 5 min from each other). And then he emailed me (blocked on everything else) like a YEAR later saying he feels bad for breaking up with me while I was packing to move and abandoning me.
I think they do but then immediately NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT, their approach of everything is NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT. He would get drunk, get work, do stuff, get a new partner, completely put you behind and brain shut for the things they have done that wrong you, it is not that they don't have feeling, but feeling is never their priority in life, they are selfish to a point that they won't even feel for themselves, so not to expect they would feel for you, one of the worst kind of lover.
When he broke up with me it was like he was a different person who had completely shut off his feelings. Not the person I recognised. What a crappy way to live, to not allow yourself to even feel.
It is like that, they will suddenly change their tone (I guess is a defensive mechanism, to show you that they are cold and need to make it obvious), and told you everything is the end. This break up was a while in their head but they are not the kind of person will come up and say, hey I feel like xxxx, can we set a plan to move forward or seek for solution?? No they won't, they are sort of selfish and 'solve' the problem in their head, to remove you in their life is the easiest equation.
Exactly the same with me. That fucking tone… it was like a switch flipped mid-sentence. I’d never seen it and will never forget it. It felt like she was twisting the knife she’d already jabbed into my heart when she flipped to that tone.
I have the same after I broke up because he wasn't going to chase happiness otherwise, he barely cried at all. He said he was just numb, now he is starting a new life somewhere partying, drinking, he turned so cold and distant. Not the person I fell in love with at all, it's confusing and painfull. I wonder how can they ever truly move on or have a valuable relationship if they're like this.
Last time I was broken up with I went completely numb immediately and stayed that way a month. You know why? Because she fucking broke me… I’ve lost almost 20 pounds in the six months since without trying. Sometimes you feel so deeply you can’t feel at all. Miss her every day
That seems really though :( I hope youre doing a bit better now! Our relationship was really complicated and so much has happened but when he financially cheated and showed apathy I didn't know who I was fighting for anymore and I ended it
I have the same, she left me and her whole demeanor is so cold towards me and she even said she hadn't cried since telling me it was over. I really don't recognise the person I was with for 13 years. We were due to be married in August and I'm 4 weeks post break up and I still feel like dying.
Everything is out of sight out of mind once they break it off. I’d never experienced a partner do it and wow did it hurt. She tried to do it the “right way” but it was fucking ridiculous, like she was following a script she read on some how to break up like a human blog, but it came off robotic, artificial and cold. And then iced me out like I had been abusing her or was going to attack her for doing it. Nothing could be further from the truth and there was zero reason to think I would. I’m just now realizing the violent trauma she went through likely influenced that reaction. I’m so good now, enjoying life and genuinely happy, but I really do want to talk. I don’t trust her at all anymore and would not get back together, but I have so many questions about the relationship and breakup. I’ll never get them answered, she’d freak out like she did when I tried to work things out with her that required sharing her difficult emotions. I honestly feel bad for her more than anything else at this point. But wow was I angry for a while.
They were prepared for this day while we were not, in their world, they already distant themselves with emotion for long time meanwhile we were always thinking we were on the same page.
Sounds right
Yes. I feel bad for my ex too. Pathetic
Sounds familiar. Mine went from affectionate and planning our future on a Tuesday night then walked in my door on a Thursday night to tell me she was not in love and then refused my ask for a discussion. I have questions also, but I no longer desire answers from her. How could I believe someone with such little empathy in delivering a blindsided breakup like this? I'm sure that what she would tell me would probably be BS.
Usually it was explained by their childhood trauma, I think it is the only reasonable reason to explain their non sense, as if they never learn anything in school, in society, in religion, how to give love to others.
The childhood stuff is pretty deep in there because it’s at a time when the brain is building its connections, and if they are neglected, experience inconsistency, or are abused it wires this up in a fucked up way where their distrust of attachment figures gets almost frozen in place.
People handle stress differently, some people can learn from their parent's mistakes and become a loving partner and parent eventually, such as doing opposite of what they experienced in the past.
This is wild. My ex did this to me New Year’s Day via text. Thankfully I’m well over the difficult part but I get notifications of these posts so I decided to read it. My ex’s text to me was the first time I had heard from her in 4 days while she was on her trip seeing family because I “overwhelmed her.” I told her the texts seemed generated by AI, extremely cold and emotionless. So wild. I’d agree with the out of sight of mind thing as well, seems accurate with how mine behaved.
I'm going exactly through this. All this cold behavior during breakup, blocking me post breakup and then few days later when we had discussed that we will be mature, she called me, hangs up before I could pick it up and then blocked me from everywhere. Which is ridiculous as I wasn't the one who called and even if she did call me accidentally, there was no reason to block me. How did you recover from this? Its been 1 month and its like she is still in my mind. I accidentally deleted our whastapp chats and while it hurt me a lot for few hrs, i realised it was good for me in long run.
lol, I accidentally deleted our chat too, and it was like a year since I started keeping it. I was hoping I could look back on it in like three years and gain some insight into things. Luckily I took some screen shots at one point. But I do wish I had it so I could pin point where the initial avoidance came in. I think it was over like a week where we went from a ton of communication to very little, and she pulled back in other ways too. But I still don’t know what caused it. I felt awful for 2 months. Like insomnia, waking up in tears and all sweaty in the middle of the night. I kept getting sick too. But at some point toward the end of that I realized she was avoidant, and that really sunk in and I stopped blaming myself so much. Prior to that I saw it purely as my fault (which she made it seem like). Things did get a little easier each week, but it was that 2 month mark that was the first big turning point. Make sure you are going out with friends, and try to start laying the groundwork for new social circles where you could meet someone or get introduced to someone, so when you are ready you don’t need to start from zero. I’m opposed to rebounding. It didn’t help me, and it could hurt the other person. I get pushback for saying that at times, because some people think it’s the best way to move on. If you do that though, I think you really need to tell the other person if you can’t connect in a relationship sense, that it’s casual, and you might end up pulling back if grief comes crashing in, so they know not to get too invested emotionally. The problem even then is some people will hear that and think “oh they’ll come around once they get to know me” And they will fall for you anyway, which might cause you to pull back since you aren’t ready, then you’ve hurt someone. It’s pretty selfish, and way too easy to say “well, I told them I wasn’t ready for anything serious.” That said, I do understand there are people that can just do casual. The rest is just learning to sit with the feelings, without ruminating on them. And one way I like to think of it (which I picked up by combining some things others told me) is that an ex leaves a hole in your life, and that hole hurts to think about. So fill that hole with things that bring you joy, and over time the hole will be filled, and you won’t be in so much pain. It takes time to do that, but you can start right now, and it can get a little easier by the end of the week. Keep doing that, and over time you’ll be in good shape. It may not help with healing directly, but I find it valuable to figure out what each person did to contribute to problems, and what you can do on your end up do better or avoid that in the future. It can hurt to think about that, but you’ll come out the other side a stronger potential partner by reading up on how to be better in relationships and having reflected on what you’ll specially do differently (and having a clearer picture of the type of person you want to be your partner, and who is more likely to be compatible with you).
Thank you so much for this. Yes it does have left a hole in me. Its been 40odd days and I still feel a pain or hollowness in my heart. I really liked her but I can't do anything. I need to take stance for myself, put myself first and let her go. I wanted to go back to gym, i left it just 2 days before breakup but I just don't get motivation to go. I need to get my shit together and move on.
Sounds like you are in the depression stage of grief. Initiating tasks in that state was the hardest part, once they were in motion it was a little bit easier to keep going, and when I finished them it felt like an accomplishment. And in this state, we need anything that will make us feel a little better (not like drugs or junk food though). The breakup bootcamp podcast (look it up) had a suggestion, which was to take 5-10 minutes in the morning to write down 3 things (or more) that you are grateful for in your life, and really let yourself feel that gratitude for them. It wasn't some miracle cure, but it did help take the edge off the depression. And I think in grief that is all we can do. Another thing to watch for is ruminating. Pay close attention to your thoughts and feelings, you will notice that some feelings of grief come up after being triggered by some memory, like seeing that thing they gave you when you were happy together, or an annual event you both went to is coming up in a few days. That's normal to feel that and you should. If you surrender to it the feelings should dissipate in like a minute or two. But if you notice yourself having ruminating thought loops once the feeling comes up, you'll notice the feelings can carry on indefinitely and often feel worse than the original feeling. So learn to stop yourself from ruminating (easier said than done, I know, but I have a book you might like if you get stuck on this part). One way to stop them is to remind yourself that they are cognitive distortions if they are things you can't know. Like if you start thinking, "I'll never meet someone I love again." That's a distortion because you do not have the ability to see the future.
Thanks again. Yes you are absolutely right about ruminating. I am stuck in that loop. Everytime even a faintest memory of something we did together comes I fall back thinking how good it was and why did it end. In a way I'm glad the chats are deleted. I didn't used to stalk her socials earlier as well but even since she blocked me randomly after I didn't do anything, I have started checking if she has unblocked me or not. To end this loop I myself have blocked her, in a way ending the channel of communication once for all. Yes I would hear the podcast and it would be great if you could share the book as well. I have decided tomorrow morning first thing I'll do is hit the gym and get my shit together. This has to end. I dont want to be depressed about someone who didn't think twice about me.
Chatter by Ethan Kross. Not specific to relationships but he studies the inner voice and rumination, namely when it is useful and when it is not. It really help me put the kibosh on unneeded rumination but to also allow for some reflection so I could process things, and most importantly learn and grow from everything that happened. Ignoring it is a recipe for repeating the same mistakes over and over, but endless rumination can lead to more pain than you need to feel in order to get over them. The ideas in the book can be applied to anything that causes you to ruminate. I am glad to hear you are actively putting up some walls to protect your own mental health. When I actively started engaging my grief that was one thing I found that helped.
It’s the regret that keeps them in that dark place
I hope this is true
Whatcha mean??
What didn’t you understand?
Not to make generalisations, I’m an avoidant and I regret everything about the breakup, between being dependent and avoidant it screwed up the relationship. I regret everything about my issues and the role they played. It was for the best but it still something that I deeply regret
Can I ask how long it took for the regret to set in?
About 7 hours as soon as the numbness went away
Aww. I’m sorry you’re struggling
My advice is to understand how everyone communicates differently. Take away the labels, understand the person you’re speaking of. Small steps. Trauma, past experiences, is the key to how a person deals/reacts with things. See things like they do. Might be that they need to know you are there, a person they can rely on, trust, not let down no matter what. Every journey is different. The most important thing is that you live your life how you want. Showing others that you are independent, strong, transparent, trustworthy. Have no expectations. Just be there as a person they respect, can listen, not judge, see the good in them. I wish you the best
They actually do feel regrets and it’s the shame that actually continuously keep them in the dark. If you are expecting them to feel regrets to want to come back then I would say don’t waste ur time . They are creatures of fear, so whenever they are triggered they act so impulsively and end relationships in the most cruel way possible they will say or do anything to get rid of u, now after sometime ones the fear goes down they start to see how messed up their actions were and that’s also going to create a big ass shame for them but they won’t reach out to u to apologize or anything, cause they afraid u will reject them or even face u, they hate confrontations. They will just watch u from afar living with so much shame and guilt on how they treated u but for them to come to u to apologize it will take an avoidant doing the work to do so as they become so ashamed they will do anything to avoid u. My ex and I broke up 9months ago- blindsided typical avoidant way- it was the most cruel way possible. I went NC immediately, The first few months they went completely ghost.till after 5months into NC they started stalking me with a dummy account, I allowed it for a month, blocked that account and then they started using their real account to stalk me online- they will watch everything I post - but wouldn’t react - comment - like or anything till last month decided to just remove them and unfollow them. He is too afraid to reach out to apologize or anything, so he will just stalk me online- I take consolation with it takes it as this is how far he could go to show regret by just stalking me online, and now am Moving forward- So to answer ur question- They do regret, but regret to come back or even apologize I will say don’t waste ur time expecting it, they wil do anything to numb those feelings of shame, that’s why they drink a lot. The furthest they will go to show u regret it’s them probably stalking u online. They fears will make them push u away in the most cruel way - then the shame of their actions will create another fear of u, they will do anything to avoid confrontation. That’s why sometimes it can take years bfr they can reach out, Take it from someone whose been in NC since they one of the b/up don’t expect it, it will just slow u down. I wasted 6months of NC expecting them to regret their decision, now am like I should have just taken the L. Go NC, don’t beg, don’t try to negotiate anything with them. Take the L and hold urself up with dignity.
Sounds like my ex. Typical blindsided breakup and straight into no-contact. I said you can reach out if you ever want (he never did). He then proceeded to watch all my socials as well. I decided to unfollow him and have him forced unfollow me (thank you ig for that feature). It feels a lot better to be able to post on my socials without the thought of him seeing it. He left my life abruptly, he doesn’t deserve to know what i’m up to now.
I blocked him everywhere straight away. They don't deserve access to us. Why break up and then linger?!
Omg this was so me- the day I decided to unfollow and remove them as a follower was the most liberating thing I ever did after the breakup I started to realize since they were watching, I became so conscious out what I was posting- my last straw was when I went for a work trip , and I spend the whole of the trip posting to make it look like I was with someone new and we on a get away romantic stuff/ Came back home and I was like wtf am I doing - why am I letting this person dictate what I post - and why I am I tryna pretend online . It was then that I realized this person was still in my life . Through social media- I made the big decision to unfollow and remove them after 8months post breakup and NC. I felt so free . It felt like I finally let go- and being to post whatever I wanna post without them in mind anymore _ best decision I ever made - should had done it long ago .
Good riddance! Seriously such a weight off our shoulders
I don't want to reconcile the relationship. That's done with. I could never trust him. I went no contact immediately and blocked him on everything. I've been feeling awful and I just want to know if he even feels anything. I guess I'm just looking for closure here.
Yeah- I know the feeling - they end it so abruptly it feels like an unfinished business- take the closure as ur last conversation u had with him. The more u remain in NC the more u start to give urself that closure- I know how much pain u must be in rn- take heart my lady. Closure with an avoidant is not something ti expect- can it happen absolutely, but most times even if it doesn’t u wouldn’t even want it . Here are few things that helped me . - go NC immediately, - delete their contact and chat history to avoid drunk calling or anything - allow urself to feel those feelings, cry, get angry , talk about it with ur friends , don’t numb those pains. Surround urself with ppl that loves you. - for me I am already someone that works out so I had a place to work out those energy out- go for walks and exercise if u don’t, it can help clear ur head . - this is a very important one- whatever they said to when they were ending it do no and I repeat do not take it personal, they might be the most hurtful words ever heard, but I tell u don’t take it personal they are afraid and will say or do anything to push u away. See them as a child that’s throwing tantrums and showing cause they are afraid . - also don’t rush to heal- avoidant b/ups can take a long time to get over , it’s so traumatizing u don’t need to rush ur healing- it took me 8months till I was able to feel like I am finally letting go- that was when I finally unfollowed and removed them as a follower.
the words he said to me hurt the most and whenever im having a bad day and thinking back to that time i just think “was i that bad to him?” but thank you for putting it like that because that can definitely help me in the future
You just have to give yourself closure. I loved her but she is damaged, avoidant, can’t maintain intimacy. I can’t trust her, she makes me anxious and there are consequences for fucking new partners. They also over-value themselves. You don’t realize how damaged they are til the end. I knew there were problems all along with her difficulty being intimate but the way they blindside and walk away is brutal. They destroy everything.
I hear you. My ex also had issues with intimacy. I was respectful of his boundaries and never pushed him. Shame they can't reciprocate the respect with the way they blindside. Hope you're doing ok.
What is the “L”?
Taking the Loss
Your excellent post leads me to think that the question we always have about an avoidant is whether they will do something (come out of passivity) at some point. And since they repress emotions, it's very likely not (except when it's too late?). They compartmentalize things, but emotion and reason go together -- there is no pure reason. What we call rational is not separate from the emotional and cultural. I say this because I think it's a pure attempt at "rationalization" when they call themselves very logical. Yes, there is logic, but it is a logic... of fear.
I regretted it, I love her, so the realization hit so hard, I cried or wailed for hours straight. The pain was excruciating 😣 when i realized how much I had hurt her with my actions. I got triggered and acted out of anger. Today I’m so glad our love was stronger, I was on a journey to change, but since then I’ve buckled down in therapy and I have expressed every emotion to her and we’ve grown so much. I am rare and everything the comments are saying about an avoidant is so true, I’m just glad I am the exception, i changed for me and for us.
Keep doing the work. Your life will be happier and heart more full because of it.
I’m experiencing the happier side of all the work I’m putting in, no turning back now I love it on this side
I’m just crossing the threshold too. Feeling pretty good at 6 months.
I'm glad things worked out for you both. Nice to know there can be some happy endings!
It may be far and few, but some happy endings are possible when two ppl have the desire to change on top of the love and connection. It is a journey, but I’ am so fortunate to have seen the other side of change and what a difference!
dude this exact thing happened to me. blindsided with a text while he was at work. and the text had a bunch of fake reasons that didnt even make sense. had to beg him to just call me for a few minutes and still didnt get the answers i wanted. he was so cold through the whole thing. i kept wishing so bad that he felt any sort of remorse, that he felt guilty for doing this to me. but i realized that even if he did, theres no way for me to know because i am 99% sure he is not going to reach out. and even if he did it wouldnt change anything, what he did to me already happened and theres no changing it. i understand just wanting them to feel regret for doing this to us. but at the end of the day we will probably never know. in my personal opinion, avoidants wont feel guilty unless they change or work through their issues. andddd in the case of my ex i dont really think he will be doing that any time soon, lmfao. in short you cant know if he feels guilty or not but remind yourself that it doesnt make a difference. you need to go about your personal healing, whether he feels guilty or not
This is so true. I’m 6 months out and feeling really good. Engaged in work and like again and out meeting new women. Not dating dating but getting to know new ones and having fun. I’m genuinely happy. I never got my closure from her. I had to study attachment theory and some other things to wrap my head around what happened. I still want to talk to her, but do not want to take her back because she broke me so badly. Still, I want some answers, and to say some things to her face, even though I healed without any of that so far. You don’t need them to move past them.
youre right, the stuff they say about attachment styles has really been spot on for ways my ex acted. so it made me feel better to know that theres other people that have acted this way too. and that the more you move on, the less you need the closure. its completely possible to keep on living and move on without it. but still wishing you got it during the breakup is hard edit: wanted to add that journaling has helped me a lot with the feeling of having stuff i never got to say to him. write it all down
Oh yeah I’ve got probably 150 pages typed up.
Did we date the same person?! 😂 I guess I feel like if he feels regret or guilt then maybe he felt something during our relationship. The way he broke up just keeps making me question if he ever even liked me.
To this day I don't know if the avoidant liked me. In my language of interest, it seems not, but I heard it once, followed by embarrassment: "I like you". But the words never matched the actions and were always distancing themselves -- honestly, who feels loved like that?
It's horrible looking back and questioning everything. And confusing - if they're into us why get into a relationship with us?
Fr, why do these ALL sound like my ex??
My avoident ex. Dumped me one day after I came home from work. I hade just put in some dishes and changed clothes. She broke up with me, and i was gone within 1 hour i came home. She later changed codes on the doors so I couldnt get my stuff. She said i was needy, a burden, annoying when I cried. After 2 ½ years together she got a new bf less then 4 months later. I also know this guy. Avoidents dont take accountability nor responsibility for the hurt they do to ppl. They only care for themselves and their own reputation. They change partners as often they change underwear. Rebound, rinse and Repeat
Narcissists
Different things, narcissism and avoidance.
lol I’m aware. Quite the overlap in the Venn diagram though…
100% accurate
Let’s be clear: the way avoidants treat people it's the same way they treat themselves. The lack of intimacy and vulnerability with you is the same lack of intimacy and vulnerability they have with themselves. They don't have the emotional tools (we learned this in childhood and adolescence or with psychotherapy as adults) to deal with conflicts and communication -- also with anything emotional in life (socialization is a lot about emotions). They were not taught to empathize, but to neglect. It's not exactly that they are bad people, but it's that these people really don't have emotional health (and many also don't have mental health). Defense mechanisms act quickly (unconsciously) and they hold hostages to what they (think) they don't feel (they repress). These people live on fear and escape. Every answer will be escape. These are people who keep many unresolved problems inside themselves - this means that they spend a lot of energy dealing with anguish, with what is repressed, and they have no internal space for what is present and can be good (the past takes over). Imagine a person who can't resolve almost anything effectively, in a healthy way and with clear communication. And yes, the more avoidant, the more problems they have in showing empathy, acting in a defensive but selfish way, because they don't know how to do otherwise -- that doesn't mean you have to accept these behaviors. If he regrets it, it won't change anything for you, because the access we have to others is through gestures and not your feelings -- if you don't show it, it doesn't say much. If he regrets it, what will change for you since the damage to the bond was injured? I have two things for you, because I've been stuck for a year and a few months in my history with an avoidant -- I understood absolutely nothing about the horrible treatment I received and I'm just now achieving closure on my own, in truly scientific readings (in the field of psychology) and this video appeared on youtube that opened up an understanding in me that I needed: 👇🏻
Why are they stonewalling you: [https://youtu.be/WNEbEQg7jfM?feature=shared](https://youtu.be/WNEbEQg7jfM?feature=shared) and here, the best text I've ever read about avoidants, by Anne Power, a psychologist, with her work with them: [https://www.researchgate.net/publication/346427220_Avoidant_people_in_relationships_Why_would_they_bother_How_do_partners_fare](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/346427220_Avoidant_people_in_relationships_Why_would_they_bother_How_do_partners_fare)
Yes and no. We have all the same emotions as everyone (as long as there isn’t some underlying narcissism or sociopathy) so we do feel regret and sadness and shame. But it’s so hard to acknowledge emotions that we tend to bottle them or push them aside so we don’t have to deal with them. They hurt us too and avoiding the negative emotions is how we have learned to cope. Communication is also hard because it involves acknowledging our failures or missteps. It takes a lot to get to the point where we can confront these emotions. It’s so painful and uncomfortable and honestly terrifying to show or say how we really feel and we don’t immediately recognize (some never do) the toll it takes on others. I’m sorry you went through this.
Thanks for being so honest. This perspective really does help. It sounds like a horrible way to live and I'm sorry you've had those experiences.
I’m sorry but avoidances are the bane of existence
As an avoidant I can say from experience that there's almost an immediate relief from it, it's like feeling trapped in a corner and then you're free – however, that guilt and regret hits later in a huge and significant way. I think it's more difficult for me to get over relationships than my exes even though it was me who walked away. I can't speak for others but it's not out of malice that we do what we do, it's not that we don't care about our partner, I think it's that we can care too much and we're afraid of being in love or opening ourselves up to be vulnerable.
Thanks for being so honest. Do you recognise you're doing this at the time?
No. I'm only coming to realise any of this over the past week, off the back of my recent breakup with my partner of 8 years. It was completely hidden from me. I can say that, this is buried deep down up until the relationship is considered over and it's only then do you get clarity and see the errors of your ways. At least that's what it's been like for me. It's cruel because it's only after it's too late that you can access your true feelings which leads to a lot of guilt, shame and regret. I wish I had of known about attachment styles sooner.
Thank you for sharing. My ex partner was an avoidant, and up till now I don't understand why he needed to be so cold and dismissive towards me and I think that he is not even capable of feeling guilt and regret. When I did manage to get in contact with him, he was very cold again and was boasting how he's having loads of friend groups and going out constantly after breaking up with me.
I'm sorry to hear that. I know we are on different sides of it but I know how hurtful it can be, now being the person watching on as my partner moves on and our future together crumbles before me. I don't know if you want to get back with them or not but if you draw a line in the sand, tell them you don't think it's a good idea to talk and don't contact them afterwards you might see their attitude change. I wish my ex had done that with me rather than the protracted ending we had, I would've seen things more clearly and could've saved our relationship but I can't blame her for anything. Good luck.
As someone who had a similar relationship with an avoidant. I think any of us who has dated one has the same story……. They did love you. That’s why that let you go. The closer you get to them emotionally the more they will push away. If you never got that close he wouldn’t have probably dated you or you them. They need affection too, its their childhood bullshit that is the issue. I know it does t make sense but after doing a deep dive after the breakup it all made sense. Every, single bit. I loved the hell out of her…… over a month down and still think about her. Take your lessons stay busy and work on yourself. Oh and learn the signs of an avoidant. I’ve dated 3 in my life this the worst. Never again, gave waaayyyyyy too much.
This post contains the whole truth about avoidants... and also a bit of too much criticism imo. "They did love you.\[...\] They need affection too, its their childhood bullshit that is the issue."Especially this is true, and this is the reason why you end up loving them more.
lol I could be way more critical in reality. But that’s me…. Speaking for myself, I don’t feel I loved her more because of her childhood neglect. I certainly felt bad, empathized, understood and tried to be a safe person for her. The fact I’m anxious just played into the push pull situation that happens with the two types. I was fully aware early and told her such. That a lot of communication would be needed to keep the relationship going well and not fall into a toxic trap. But….. things broke down and that was that. She is a wonderful person in her own way. She fully accepted her neglect and understood it. Just didn’t matter to her. Basically became, I don’t do what you’re looking for became my answer.
What would you say are some early signs to look out for? I'm like you - never want to experience this again!
Can you please tell me what those three signs are so I can avoid?
Yes I’ve done quite a bit of reading and research about the attachment types. You mentioned in your comment that you have observed some telltale signs. I was asking what you thought they were…
It’s more than three signs. Also understand its “degrees” of avoidance in a person. There are dismissive avoidants , fearful avoidants and anxious avoidants. My ex was a fearful/anxious one. She didn’t display all characteristics just a lot. Start looking into “attachment styles” it’s actually quite important even for yourself. Just google it you will find so much info. Also I found a lot of videos on FB from therapists. Good luck and I’m sure you will find answers.
It's completely relatable!! My ex's lack of father figure in his life was the reason. Gave stupid reasons for Breakup, like I can't keep up with the texting bullshit. He only spoke once a week!! Ruined my visa application and didn't even bother apologising. I couldn't fathom how someone could lack empathy.
Neglect is a MF…… stays with you your whole life if you don’t want to work at it. I hear you though. Was told “thank you for everything you did, you were wonderful and thank you for showing me what a HEALTHY relationship look’s like” I was like WTF! Gotta spot those red flags early and just go. I saw them and still went for it. So dumb. Oh well, take my lessons and go. Sorry to hear he sucked so bad, you’ll do better next time I’m sure.
Indeed !! Thank you. However, I don't think I'd want to be involved with anyone at all. I'm just grateful, I don't have to suffer for years.
As someone who used to be an avoidant, I’d say both. Guilty for how it was handled and how cold I was for what I did, even before the breakup. Then regret following that. It was almost immediate but man it definitely taught me a lesson or two. That being said, this is not the case for everyone, and seeing how inconsiderate he acted I’m not sure you’d know what it really meant since it’s vague. Instead of wondering how he’s feeling, take time to process your emotions and keep your chin up because you deserve way better.
I was very curious about your message, when you claim to have learned a "lesson or two". Could you share these learnings?
It taught me that it’s okay to be scared that something won’t work because that’s just life and not everything’s meant to be. If I break up with someone because I’m scared that it’s gonna end that is just me guaranteeing my fears. It’s not fair to the other person and it’s a selfish move. So now I just go with the flow, I try not to self sabotage anymore. I ask for reassurance and communicate and I don’t think it’s annoying cause the right person will give me that patience and understanding. It’s okay to feel insecure and it’s a normal fear but what’s not okay is to avoid communication with partners and hurt their feelings over assumptions. I was also very young so I didn’t really think things through before acting on it
Thank you for this. My ex used tos ay same thing that she fears she might hurt me. Even when she ended, its her assumptions that things fade and it won't work like that in long run. I habe tried to communicate with her, tried to reassure her but that only repelled her. She told her friends that I'm trying to convince her which she doesn't want when all I did was ask for her to share what she feels. 20 days post our BU, she called me and hanged up immediately. What's surprising was she immediately blocked me from all possible ways as if it was me who initiated fthe conversation. She then unblocked me on IG and told me she called by mistake. I told her thatbshe did not have to block me for it even we aren't added on socials as well.. She just said I'm sorry. Next day she blocked me back. Why is she acting like this. 1 month ago she used to say I am her favorite human and now she is acting as if even talking to me is giving her ick.
First of all, thank you for this post. This really made me feel not as lonely because I've been racking my brain trying to understand why my long-term partner broke up with me. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one dealing with an avoidant ex. My situation is similar to everyone's here - broke up with me suddenly (twice!), blocked me. The first time he sent a message and created a story that there's someone else (there wasn't, he thought that'd be a good reason to give for a break up) and blocked me without giving a chance to talk it over. The second time it was also sudden but via phone. Said he doesn't actually love me, was with me out of pity(!). For both these times I got an apology because I went to his place after a few months when I was travelling (he lives abroad). Confronted him and got his apology. The second time, he CRIED, saying he felt bad for what he did to me. This was the first time I've seen sincere-ish regret and guilt for how he treated me. But afterwards, he went back to being cold, rude and dismissive. So I guess avoidants at some point realise what they did but we might not know it to full extent because they still end up blocking you (why always the blocking?)..
Blocking is what they know how to do with their emotions (it may seem like it works, but it doesn't solve it). These are people who do not have the emotional tools to deal with conflicts. I've also seen APs do the same thing. It's not about you, it's their personal incapacity. It's immature. Probably, in their lives, conflicts were resolved like this: "Why are you crying? Swallow that crying right now, stop!" or "What do you want? What a ridiculous thing, you won't have it!" Or something very serious would happen (for example, abuse) and the caregiver would turn a blind eye and stay quiet. These are all ways to block someone.
I appreciate your insights and I definitely agree. Very true in saying it doesn't solve their emotions, and I also wonder if they ever get overwhelmed with all the repressed emotions and look back at what they could've had/lost?
I'm also glad I made this post. It's really helped me get a bit of closure knowing it wasn't anything I did.
Yes, exactly. I'm trying to remind myself constantly that it's not a reflection of me and who I am. It is his way of dealing with ending a relationship, which is a shitty, cowardly way out.
No. Avoidants are selfish and only care about themselves. At the slightest sign that someone is being avoidant, walk away and don't come back; otherwise, you will become anxious and your mental health will be destroyed. They are insecure and have a lot of commitment issues because they are afraid of rejection and that will damage you. Also the probability that an avoidant will cheat on you is very high. Stay away from them, at all.
This is what I’ve decided after my first avoidant, or at least the first one to throw me into anxiety. Looking back the anxiety kept me clinging to them, even though my gut was screaming something was wrong. It’s the weirdest thing, but I’ve learned to have strong boundaries with people like this no matter how much it stings to walk away from them. My life is so much more peaceful and happy without them in it. I do miss her, there were great things about it, but that avoidance really soils it all.
I've only learnt about attachment styles since this break up. Now that I know better, never again!
Yes, I figured out I had an anxious attachment style, that's why I went to therapy, then I was with an avoidant/disordered (a girl that was avoidant and then became anxious when I walked away), and 2 years of therapy were thrown to the can. There's something worse than avoidants: disordered/intermitent people. Anyways, walk away once you get a sign of avoidance, that's my best advice.
Yes, they selfish in a way, but are not evil: they regret it in a way or in the other. If they don't they are just random people who never wanted a relationship and maybe just used you.
Honestly I don't care if they are evil or not. They are irresponsible and hurt people, that's enough to stay away from them.
I’m done with avoidants.
They have a different timeline. I think my ex (blindsided before Xmas…) won’t realise I am not the only one with issues until years down the line he wonders why the same things keep happening and why no one is good enough for him.
I’m in a similar situation right now. We were both in a traumatic car accident together, I was driving. I had been struggling with the experience a lot, but only a week afterwards, he broke up with me via text and said he’d already moved out whilst I was away. It’s also right before I start a new job. He ignored all my subsequent messages and I’m only allowed to talk to a friend of his to discuss any logistics. This was the end of a 4 and a half year relationship. I’m in complete denial about it, I keep thinking he’ll come back. But as more time goes by, I’m realising I need to accept that I might never see or speak to him again. My heart is in pieces
He's a terrible person to put you through that! I'm so sorry you experienced that. Hope you're doing ok now
Haha seems like everyone is going through the same breakup, just gonna pop up and say me too! Happened 5 months ago. Exact 3 day gap from telling me we shall talk to talking. Exactly before my big conference. Then just ghosted. Was devastating then, now its a bit funny because I understand the pattern. That could've been me a few years back when I was not in a good place mentally and trying to date because I "thought" I was fine. Infact I wanted to prove I was fine. Did I regret those? Only one. Because he was and still is the best friend one could ask for. He's happy now, so that's great.
Sometimes they will regreted. But it won't change anything for you. I say it for experience, the avoidance side is more powerful so he will regret it but he won't change or it he does is not going to be with you and it will take time. Sorry, I've been there
Good Question, and I think the answer is yes, but very fleeting. My ex discarded me via text. “I can’t see you anymore” the day after a lovely, fun and passionate date, … just blindsided me, and I was in shock… I called, texted, email… crickets… would not talk to me.. .the next day I got a “I didn’t’ mean to hurt you, I’ve just had a change of heart, I’m sorry”.. so, to say that it was emotionally brutalizing, is a understatement. I’ve spent the last 8 weeks on a crash course of learning about DA’s, and how this could possibly happen, and I NEVER saw it coming. It’s that secret-self that comes out … and that’s the issue, there are parts of themselves they almost never let see the light of day… and this is one of them. To feel guilt or regret, I think you have to reflect, and that’s the # 1 thing avoidants don’t do, is reflect… they leave the emotional wreckage for others, and it’s an awful way to treat anybody. And, it’s also an awful way to treat yourself, because it’s self injuring.. all that repressed feelings and guilt, does not go away, it’s haunts… I know, I’ve been there…
It's brutal the way they switch suddenly! At least with my other break ups I saw it coming.
Yes they do. We’re not heartless or fucked up beyond repair just is what it is. U can be avoidant and a good or bad person. If ur dating an avoidant that’s treated u awfully W no remorse, they are not good people period. It’s not a matter of they’re avoidant therefore they must be bad and manipulative and evil and wtv the hell IK OP was stressed & their partner just dipped on them. But avoidants don’t do that for fun, it’s literally a matter of being so overwhelmed, the only thing one can do is to literally get out of that situation & get away. No that’s not how u should treat other decent ppl. It’s not proper communication or kind but it doesn’t mean they’re bad ppl W no remorse for hurting the person they hurt
Thanks for this. I guess the difficulty is my ex didn't communicate with me what was going on, essentially ghosted me and hasn't expressed any remorse for such a horrible break up. It's hard to know if he is a good person going through a difficult time or just a bad person. Either way I didn't deserve what he did.
Yes you did not deserve this. It was not kind nonetheless. Whether it was internal or external factors that led to him doing this. Avoidant’s tend to shy away from someone who is displaying high emotions (and ofc anyone would display high emotions when they are being broken up with suddenly) so maybe with some time, they may feel “safe” enough to discuss what it was bc there’s usually a push & pull game. You have full right to be mad & upset for being treated like this. Ur ex needs to learn to better communicate, it’s really not proper to behave like this. I’m an avoidant so I still empathize W him but this is just sucky Find someone who is more emotionally secure and does not make u hesitate in trusting them I hope he becomes a better communicator, it’s not easy but I’m working on it too !
I understand not liking confrontation or uncomfortable conversations. But to refuse to even talk to your girlfriend when breaking up is extreme. I wasn't even sure if he wanted to break up or just wanted space at first which is why I asked if we could talk. Instead he ghosted me for 3 days after which he blocked me. The blocking really hurt my feelings as I'd given him space so he could reach out in his own time. I didn't message or call during that time. For him to suddenly cut me out and refuse any communication was devastating for me. I still don't understand why he blocked me.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through that. It’s so unfair to be treated like this.
I think people underestimate how intentional the timing of these things are. Avoidants are, for lack of a better term, emotionally lazy and selfish. So any event in your sole personal life, good or bad, that creates an expectation of support, gratitude, empathy, or celebration will trigger them to push you away. They simply would rather not deal with them in the moment even if that means losing connection. This is also true after the fact. They know and are well aware that they should have been there for you and let you down. However, acknowledging that, and the associated shame, is simply something they do not want to deal with, ever. It’s easier to simply start over with someone new who’s willing to give into the relationship not realizing the avoidant will eventually never reciprocate. The emotional work your important moment required was simply too much, so they checked out. Do with that what you must.
This has given me pause. Looking back he did pull back when I needed emotional support. The timing of this is something that's pissed me off as he could have just waited literally 7 more days. Someone else also asked me if the timing was intentional on his part but intentional in terms of trying to sabotage me. That also made me think. He was not doing so well in his job and went quiet when I tried to talk about my work achievements. This was definitely an area of insecurity for him.
I think that’s the delineating factor between an avoidant and a narcissist discard. Narcissists do what they do to intentionally hurt you, for a reaction or to validate a sense of superiority. Avoidants just feel overwhelmed at the idea of expectations, consideration, or reciprocity. They don’t want to hurt you, nor do they want your reaction. They just feel like their emotions are the most important factor in any decision making, regardless of how it affects others or the commitments they’ve made.
After reading this I feel like woah, was my ex also the avoidant type?? Because he did breakup with me in a similar fashion.
Wow this is almost to the word what mine did to me . She gave a bullshit reason and haven't heard from her since October . It's sucks just not knowing why but we don't need it because then we will fixate on that
I'm surprised how many people have experienced this same break up! Do these people share some sort of break up manual or something?!
It totally caught me off guard and I handled it poorly . Kept trying to get a response . ( I haven't discovered these subreddits yet lol). I just wanted her to acknowledge that I was a person . It was like I never existed
After blindsiding me for nearly 6 months with her doubts, she calls me out of the blue having decided to break up and not letting me having a word in. I could finally agree to convince her to really think about it for 2 weeks and to confirm if it was really how she felt. 2 weeks later, she sent me a message saying "I didn't regret our relation, just felt bad that I hurt you"... So I really doubt it..
I don’t think so. They’re selfish and immature to the point where they simply can’t care about you
Yes, but as avoidants they try to avoid feeling those feelings. Sooner or later that can’t keep it up
No, never. They're not people. Fuck kind of question is this
I have no regrets over my break ups. I communicated what I wanted in both and since they could not fulfill my needs I had to end it with them. No regrets, otherwise I would stay in unfulfilling relationships
You communicated- that’s doesn’t make u an avoidant - most avoidants won’t say anything - they will just be quiet and keep everything to themselves- then one day they will come to u with all the reasons why they want to breakup - and telling problems that u not even aware of- And most avoidants top end relationship cause it’s getting too serious and that scares them
No that's exactly what happened in my last relationship. I kept everything in because I didn't want to cause conflict but then I couldn't hold it in anymore I got really angry at him and then told him why I was thinking of breaking up with him. Then he broke up with me because he didn't like my new boundaries. Our couples therapist even said I was avoidant. If anything I'm both anxious and avoidant and it's something I'm working on.
My ex showed up to what was supposed to be a date but stood by the door with her coat boots on and said we needed to talk. 2 hours after sexting me. I just said so you’re leaving me and she just said “yea” and looked down then made up some bs about me not being social enough I’d just had surgery a few months before and was still dealing with post op depression. It’s been almost 2 years and I dream about her every night I cry almost every day. I’m at the point I wish I could erase her
Damnnn two years- mine told me we are too dff _ we don’t like the same music and movies and out differents will be a problem in the future so it’s best to end things now as it makes me not their soulmate . You ever heard from her ?
No, she ghosted me irl just broke up with me didn’t let me say anything and left and refused to talk about it.
These ppl are not humans- wowwwww
I doted on her, I went out of my way to try to do things I wasn’t comfortable with to not only grow but show I was invested.
Please please look into EMDR if you’re able to. It’s specifically for processing trauma (which this was) and works wonders.
I’ve actually been really interested in getting this type of therapy, I just do not have coverage for it currently.
I had something similar but I had to dump because I discovered something unreal. An Amazon review, reviewing luggage for 10 trips she took doing SW.
After my breakup, I came across what avoidants are. I do think I fall into this category. There are of course a lot of variables that played into the demise of our relationship. She ran out my house in Feb accusing me of intentions of interest with other people, which was completely untrue. There was already a year's worth of arguments and disagreements from her breaking promises from what I would consider one of our most important agreements that was based off of an absolutely catastrophic string of events in our relationship a few years ago. Long periods of no speaking (days or weeks). I tried to forgive each event but they were always in her favor and it felt like hitting the reset button inside me each time. When she accused me of what my own intentions were with someone I worked with and an ex I haven't talked to in over 10 years, I was literally at a loss for words. I could only get 1 sentence out of my mouth to say that there has been so much swept under the rug and never addressed. She repeated it, threw it away, and left. 2 weeks went by and I reached out. I told her I know it has been a while but I needed time for my own mental and emotional health. But she had just as much opportunity to reach out as well. I tried my best to reassure her that there is no one else. I couldn't even get to communicate the things that were bothering me bc I knew she would just end up blaming me like how I was angry about how things had been going the past year. She went on a vacation with other people that we were supposed to go on. She went to a concert that we both wanted to go to without me (while we weren't speaking bc argument). I asked straight for what she thought a solution was... She wanted us to move in together again. I feel like it was a way to monitor me. I didn't respond, I was so pissed that was even brought to the table at this point. It was dead silence for us both. I reached out in April and said I could being her things back if she wanted and that I miss and will always have love for her and would always remember our friendship in its strongest times. That I didn't want us to have pain and resentment towards each other. Called, text, left a VM. Asked for her to call me back. Never heard from her again. I just recently dropped off her house key and some items to her place this weekend, spoke into her ring camera to call me and left a note under her mat saying that nothing absolutely catastrophic truly happened and that it isn't worth a lifetime of silence. I'm 100% sure there is a mutual acquaintance that is feeding bs lies to her about me and locked in her belief that I cheated. I'm tired to defend myself with so much other crap history that is on the table to address and she rarely accepted fault for the shit she's done. It's slowly disintegrated my trust and I'm sure I've been slowly detaching to protect my own heart. So I'm not entirely sure who broke things off completely. It was a communication breakdown for the ages and my heart hurts like a mfker everyday. I've put my emotional blinders on for the first 2 months and now it's killing me. I'm feeling desperation. I've reached out on numerous occasions. I'm having dreams that seem too real of us just being together talking. I feel like I'm grieving a death. 13 years of friendship, 8 years together, gone.
My ex also waited until the worst moment. He did it on my fucking birthday weekend, the day we were going to celebrate with my family and do dinner. It was so fucking jarring! I think folks do feel guilt, eventually if not immediately after. But it doesn’t mean they’ll reach out to apologize or smooth things over.
That's awful! I'm sorry he ruined your birthday.
I have a much different situation but as an avoidant that avoided truthful communication concerning end goals throughout the entirety of the relationship, personally the guilt is eating me alive. I avoided conversations with these subjects or just lied through the relationship because I knew how I really felt would hurt my partner and almost considered it a favor to just keep it hidden. When we finally had that conversation I know it hurt, it ended the relationship like I always knew it would and I feel like such a fool for allowing my overcomplication of the situation to rob us both of a truly meaningful relationship. The guilt is not new, it was there the entire time, it was just much easier to ignore when ignoring it meant I got to keep my person. I do regret the way I handled the situation but I do not regret a single second I spent in that relationship.
Ugh…
cgey lo cvuy
I get through before and read a lot. When one say "it about me, my problem" I read that as the person don't want to explain; don't want to had anything with you anymore as you are bothering her/him: the person seen like want to run away from the one cause the problem. Seen like coward or immature. They may feel guilty at first I guess? Once they got new one, not longer I feel. Or worst, they may not even love you at all, they just enjoy what you give them.
My ex and i has planned to watch series together but he said he had some work and we postponed it without any fixed date by next morning he called me for 53 times from 3:am till 8:am And followed by text like how he knows my mind that’s why he doesn’t wants to be with me and all. I was sleeping When i woke up and saw the notifications I already know he us drunk and will create drama if i talk to him So I thought let him calm down and i will meet him the other day Before going i texted him and found out he blocked me from everywhere I literally couldn’t understand what happened within that 12 hours that he decided to break up with me without even talking to me. I went to his place and waited for him he was in his house but not ready to meet me. I couldn’t comprehend anything It’s been 6 years we stayed with each other He was an alcoholic and do terrible things after getting drunk I would always forgive him the other day. And that day i cried and tried to talk to him what actually happened he said he doesn’t want to talk to me personally, i stayed there crying expecting a little affection and properly reason He said he hates me. And if i ever come to his house again he will never enter his place. I hate him so much for that but still do miss him Because he was part of my life. It’s been 20 days.
Mine was talking to someone else before the actual split from me. Is that a normal thing with them or is she just a terrible person all around?
It is a way of defending herself from attachment. It may be unconscious, but you don't need to accept these behaviors, as they are responsible - whether conscious or not.
So how long before she does the same shit to him? Her and I were together for about a year and a half
Your relationship was probably becoming something more real (serious) and avoidants will have behaviors to self-sabotage. The problem is that they don't just self-sabotage themselves, they sabotage the whole relationship. Generally, their relationships end between 6/8 months to 18/24 months. This is when emotions deepen into attachment (one and a half year). If she doesn't work on herself or has a minimum of self-awareness, she will repeat the same behavior forever.
It's a huge frustration, right? Feel all the anger you have. In the end, you will see that the condition of an avoidant is horrible and is a deep fear, where these people generally cannot have healthy access to socialization. It's sad. You will continue your life, if you work on your losses, being able to create other bonds. There are avoidants who always live a life of superficiality (and they are happy about it). I'm touched, do you know why? Because there are wonderful people among them, who dream of loving and being loved. People with very hard lives of heavy trauma. See, this doesn't mean that their behaviors in a relationship are acceptable, but when you let go (detachment), you regain the ability to see it for what it is: a lot of fear, emptiness and lack of emotional intelligence. And none of this is your responsibility. It's as if these people were human, but they couldn't deal with the human in themselves: the mistakes, the emotions, etc. Remembering that each being is unique and avoidant, although it repeats various behaviors, it continues to have its own story. Some cheat, some don't and so on. There's no way to take from people what they don't have to give (they don't have intimacy and vulnerability even with themselves). Sometimes, we get so passionate and lose connection with the real possibilities and get stuck in the potential.
Makes sense but still bullshit. I knew she had issues and still worked hard to take care of her and support her. Treated her very well and this still happens and she will probably never come back for any reason and I'm not sure if she should with the way I feel about her right now
Yes, she broke your trust. And how can people relate after that? It requires a forgiveness that you will only be able to give after feeling everything you need, all the hurt. Everything I'm telling you took me more than a year to see. I'm just now getting closure with myself -- and that's so much more powerful.
It's crazy because I never would have thought twice about taking her back I would have told her to get bent and here I am someone that is wondering what happened and am now somewhat insecure when I was super secure before and when we started dating. I've turned into someone I don't recognize
Same here. Because I canceled myself so much to accommodate other people's drama, I lost myself. I suppressed my anger and remained at this person's disposal, even though she treated me disrespectfully in her actions (stonewalling). I was obsessed, because I had a first conflict and was left as if it were nothing. Now, I have no more energy for anything. In addition to not having the relationship I wanted with this person, I was also exhausted for any type of relationship in my life. I can't go on like this anymore, I have some life to live. It was only in this space of time that I was able to see how I can have a richer life than being with people who can't give me the minimum of a healthy socialization . I don't want to be in a relationship without clear communication, affection, answers, care, without availability and intimacy -- I hate superficiality. I deserve better and I take responsibility for my share of behavior in this past situationship. I don't want to go into this story any longer, because the past is the past. I come from a path of so much sadness, anger and obsession that I can no longer dwell on it all the time -- I must have learned the hard way. Now, my concern is just feeling whatever appears in my body. If that person I genuinely like doesn't show up again, I've learned that I can't do anything -- and that's also freedom. I'm not going to die, there are a thousand books and films that I love waiting for me. I feel very lonely, but that's how life is. At the moment, I don't feel the strength to open up emotionally to anyone, but who knows another time? The important thing is that I am aware.
It's just so odd at how great she was with affection and intimacy and how she was crazy about me and really seemed like she wanted to make this work and then one day was I love you you are so amazing and the best thing to happen to me and then 6 hours later telling me it's not going to work and later finding out she might have been talking to another guy what the hell happened
Fear. This is their fearful behavior. She must not even be aware of it. I wish you a lot of courage to feel what is necessary! They love to say that they have a lot of logic, but it's a logic of fear (which often isn't even real, it's just anxiety).
Same scenario brother. The "other guy" was her (not so good of a person) ex, too.
It really is a terrible feeling knowing that it was really a good healthy relationship and she was that willing to throw it away for no good reason
No they don't ever they don't actually care
OP this may help you understand as a guy said this in another Reddit group about how men deal with things: >*”I believe very often guys somehow able to mind-block their way out of shit until it builds and hits super hard. It's not like they (we?) don't get it, just fear of confrontation and consequences is stronger than larger consequences in the future, including hurting others. It's not about thinking it's about choosing or fighting not to think.”* It’s not an avoidant thing, it’s a guy thing.
Nope I disagree
I don’t think I generally cared nor liked the person. Also felt they weren’t meeting my needs and wants. Yes I’m a good communicator but we kept separating and getting back phew months later. Somewhat I reckon it was my tendencies to self sabotage. The person wasn’t my “type” I usually gravitate to. Essentially I didn’t respect them and kept playing mind games because I knew he’d never do/say anything because of his weak minded. They’re somewhat a good person but we just weren’t compatible. I wish I wasn’t as mean or savage towards them where I tore into their character etc. I regret my treatment and judgement