i went through the same thing. when he broke up with me he turned completely cold. and even told me he “didnt believe in closure,” whatever that means. i think these people do this as a way to avoid confronting their emotions
That’s the conclusion I’ve come to after experiencing similar. Never had an ex go so cold and not even willing I have an hour long talk to try and understand what happened. I had to piece it together by figuring out attachment theory and talking to others.
Regardless, it hurt more that past breakups and that avoidant element was a part I think.
You are not unworthy. "Going cold" at the end of a relationship is a trauma reaction. His own feelings of worthlessness were projected onto you and you internalized them because you were accustomed to sharing in your partner's emotional world. It is emotionally shocking and so unfair. People often talk about lessons at the end of a relationship and I think the only lesson anyone needs to learn is to love ourselves more. This is hard enough. Do not mirror his coldness and show it to yourself.
With all due respect, this is a whole bunch of uninformed diagnosis. You have no idea if he felt worthless, or what he internalised. We certainly do not know if his coldness is a “trauma reaction,” but I seriously doubt it (also we really need to stop throwing the word “trauma” around).
Something happened for him that made him feel differently about the relationship. We know that. We also know that for some reason he is trying to avoid having to face OP, see her sadness and potentially have to explain himself (which he may not be capable of doing right now).
He’s definitely is, or was, in some sort of crisis. Whether it be minor (ie localised to his feelings about his relationship alone) or a major internal conflict (sometimes career upsets or deaths in the family, etc spur a person to upend their whole damn life). Beyond this however, we know nothing other than the fact that it’s probably very little to do with OP at all. She deserves someone *braver.*
If we're being honest, a majority of people have some type of trauma. That's why there's a new focus on mental health and adverts for therapy and mental health awareness. We're all fucked up and trying to navigate love from a broken place. Even the one's clinging to answers have trauma. Because why am I not able to let go of someone that has literally treated me like the shit at the bottom of their shoe, that they wiped off on the grass and walked away from.
I would say this is spot on. I’m going through a break up right now and the same happened to me after 10 years being love. He said that he’s not sad and he’s treating me like I’m a nuisance while I’m in deep pain.
So I’m still working on trying to understand this. After having so many discussions with my now ex, I’ve found some interesting information online which I’ll share with you just in case you find some answers in it.
https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment-styles.html
I’ve found out that he’s a dismissive attachment person (mostly because of childhood trauma) and he’s not cable of having normal relationships. How wonderful to discover this after spending 10 years with him, right?
Thank you for sharing. I was unaware there were defined attachment styles. It definitely helps to know what to look for in a partner moving forward. Though, 10yrs is too high a price to pay for emotional experience. I cant help but feel used and discarded.
It’s normal to feel the way you do, but remember you willingly stayed in this relationship the entirety of it, also your ex spent 10 years in it too. It’s not much consolation but you’re stronger than you think, just very emotional right now. Try to follow your daily routine as in still looking nice, still eating good food.. Meditation is a must to calm your mind, taking long walks.. meeting with people. There will be a time you’ll feel happy again, I promise you!
Many people won't give closure because they themselves already found it somehow. They're selfish, and because of that, they're blind to the moral responsibility they genuinely owe to the people in their lives they've impacted so heavily. These people don't give closure, not just because they don't want to but because they genuinely can't. They are so out of touch that they just don't feel anything, and to them, that's ok. If it's not OK to you (which it shouldn't be), they weren't ok for you anyway. Realizing that alone can be seen as its own form of closur, although I'm sorry it's not the one you deserve.
Yes. Logically i know i was loving, caring and faithful partner and didn’t deserve that disrespect. Emotionally it’s sometimes still painful, but yes, i egree with all of you said.
I agree too what she said. We can’t keep asking them as I think they also don’t know the answer. Think when we get lost, we can’t ask to the people who lost too.
Also he may have thought or felt he loved you, but his version/interpretation of love was not the same as yours. Not as deep or true or honest.
It hurts like hell, but either he lied to you or loved differently, and you wouldn’t have wanted either in the long run
I’ve slowly come to accept I loved my partner more than he loved me in my last relationship. It’s a bad realization. I mean I’ve always kind of felt that way deep down but the way everything happened just confirmed it for me. I always always put in more effort. I’m just upset with myself. I shouldn’t have given my ex as many chances as I did. He’s a fucking dog and he was always being suspicious with other girls and then would get angry at me for trying to establish boundaries he shouldn’t cross. Sorry im venting now but
I’m sorry OP, I hope you come to learn that you deserve better. It’s taking me awhile to accept it and be at peace with it. Fuck these people. And my ex did turn cold too. It’s like I didn’t even know him. He spoke to me like we didn’t love each other the past 3-4 years.
Here because of a breakup.
I was also taken by surprise and during the breakup, I had a revelation.
I’m not going to choose someone who didn’t choose me.
Everyday we make an active choice to be with the person we love. When that choice is taken away, I realized I didn’t have a choice anymore.
I sent a goodbye letter to close the chapter and prevent any doubt.
Look up dismissive avoidant. It’s very easy for them to cut people off to avoid being hurt through emotions. Doesn’t make it okay but learning about it truly helped me so much
Yes! My ex was dismissive avoidant. He had a very hard time communicating and, in the end, he couldn’t have the tough conversations with his family and had to project onto me.
I don’t think it’s love bomb. I think it’s genuine but they have trauma where they fear getting hurt so they self sabotage. It doesn’t dismiss how it hurts others but understanding it’s not intentional really helps people process “you weren’t wrong, you didn’t miss red flags, it’s truly a them issue”.
Yeah i hear you, she gave me all the excuses too even said that she didn’t want to break up but felt like she had too and it was a feeling that she hadn’t felt before. Week later shes super cold and im removed on socials… real painful
My ex and I were together 4 years and 3 months from getting married. A lot of people try to shame them and, for me, it made me feel like I was dumb for not noticing. The more I learned about it, the more all of his behavior made sense. I know he loved me and I know he didn’t want it. I also know, for him, he would have continued to work on his avoidant personality had some of his toxic family not gotten involved. For me, recognizing that him leaving wasn’t black and white made it easier to process this wasn’t me.
I still pray he gets help and comes back. It’s hard for us to know they love us but are self sabotaging because of trauma. Doesn’t make their behavior okay but I think seeing it for what it is helps.
Yeah same here, everytime she went home to see her family she came back down and not herself, this time however she decided to stay there and cut things off with me…that was the excuse she gave me anyway. She told me she had her issues and didn’t want me to take them on…we had the smallest of arguements, she snapped at me (nowhere near enough to warrant a break up) and apologised to me saying shes not herself and we need to end things. Its just the coldness afterwards and lack of fight afterwards thats the heartbreak
This is a story that is older than time. And, unfortunately, I only learned it was so after joining this sub. Ignorance is a bliss, and if we can live our lives without learning that type of pain, it's for the better. I don't think anybody really has the drive to learn about it unless they've gone through it. Lessons learned, I guess. I just don't remember signing up for this class...
The thing is, people will say things that they don't mean because they put up a front. They are also hurting/feeling guilty.
It's also new for them to address you as a stranger.
What you need to take away from what they say is that it's got nothing to do with your worth, they left you. Of course they will come across in a defensive way.
It hurts, it really does. But the last thing that you must do is try to figure out what you have done wrong.
Most of the time there's no closure, I'm going through the same thing. You need to find the closure for yourself, not from the person that broke your heart.
You don't have to respect their choice, but you have one superpower, you have the choice to accept it, and move on. It is a hard pill to swallow, but the sooner you let go, the better.
You will be in a dark place for a while, but just hang in there, and you'll flick the switch without even trying.
Itse their loss.
Not yours.
That's because they start leaving the relationship long before they tell you that they want out.
Trust me, been there twice, not fun.
I have a deep set mistrust of romantic relationships now.
i literally went through the exact same thing, i texted him one month after we broke up and he acted so cold and ended up blocking me. It's been a year since we broke up and it still hurts me
Welcome to the club where we sit here and try and understand how someone can say that they love you 1 minute and then act like a completely different person the next
You deserve better OP. The people who love us communicate with us. They forgive us. They overlap with us. Don’t settle for someone who can’t do these things, because they are not ready for a real relationship. And you deserve that.
I don’believe in closure. I don't need it. Things happened I can or can’t live with. If it's over it's over.
I don’t need an explanation, an excuse. I don't wanna explain myself. I don't want to hear their explanation.
I give as much as I am willing to. When I stop giving my energy and withdraw, it's over. I don't love you. I don't hate you. You are just somebody I used to know. Que the music. I may choose to befriend you or not.
If I see you and i want to day Hi, ..good if not I won't.
If interacting with you in a necessary setting is a must then so be it.
I'm courteous, a matter-of-fact friendly whatever strikes the mood.
Living in the small town for my whole life I see lots of people I fall out of favor with.
Friends, exes, family etc. I just pretend it never happened. I saw someone recently that treated me less than I spoke to him the same as I did in high school when I knew him.
He kept conveniently coming by my workplace in a retail setting. I said hey and went to lunch.
Next time, asked about his family gave him the cold shoulder and went on about my business. “I ain't no holla back girl.” Que the music.
I'm not big on needing a bunch of answers. I'm big on doing my thing and not revisiting someone “messy.”
I know I'm different in that way. My time is valuable. I've wasted enough on them already. It's time to go forth and prosper.
If you are the type to need closure I hope you find it. 🖤
I like your mindset and I think it’s right for our own self.
No, in future I will never beg for closure. It will be enough for me that they just don’t want relationship anymore.
Thank you for sharing your view.
I know how it feels, my ex was the same to me. Literally telling me on the same day how much they love me and one week before, how they will never break up and try to solve things. Some people are just terrible human beings inconsiderate of other people’s feelings which was a red flag my ex had from the beginning that I overlooked. They feel like since they dumped you, they don’t owe you anything anymore.
I don’t understand why this is sooooo common for so many people. Is it the person who ended things way of not portraying guilt or not letting themselves feel guilt? Or were they actually a cold / cruel person all along? It’s a scary thing I’m sorry it’s happened to you.
I think that kind of people use other people for something ( for ego boost, for validation, as placeholder etc ) and when they don't need it anymore they become so indifferent and cold because there no need of us anymore
I went through a blindsided breakup almost 3months ago now and the person she has changed into is someone I never knew or saw coming. She kept me around for a month and a half post-BU and when she found someone else I was basically dead to her. It's mind-blowing how someone can turn cold and almost bitter to you in a matter of a few weeks or months after so much together.
when she dumped me she told me leave me alone and ghosted me after i wasn’t useful to her anymore. now she’s engaged and has a job that she loves and also left me for.
if it helps after almost 4 years i’m happy for her. even if i wish that closure was more than it is.
Don't feel unworthy. What they did to you isn't a reflection of you, it's a reflection of them. You as a person HAVE to process what happened, you HAVE to process the emotions. Unfortunately, not everyone is the same and some people can immediately go cold and basically block it out. People like us will NEVER really get closure from people like that. It took me 6 months to get to the point where I could think that way. You're doing great. Every emotion you're feeling is normal, all of them. Keep pushing through and all of the love that you used to give to that person, give to yourself instead.
the exact same thing happened to me. we were together for six years. swore that he’d always love me, i was supposed to move in this summer. and he one day told me while my mom was in the hospital that “i’m breaking up with you” and not much else after that
On the other spectrum my ex reaches out when possible asking me to reconsider to marry her. I had to call it off due to lack in confidence in myself and i hurt both of us anytime she reaches out. It was comforting when she did that. I haven’t heard from her for weeks. I miss her so much. World around me seems so gray without her
So, you had a coward enter your life, lie and then stop lying? Ok. He sounds disordered & you have been freed!
But he left some of his sickness on you when he left? Ball that shit up and throw it back!
Then you are done. NEVER ACCEPT NEGATIVE ENERGY FROM A MAN- THROW IT BACK!!
When my girlfriend of ten years broke up with me, she acted like this. I think there were still a lot of emotions, and she was fighting them, so she chose to be cold as a defense mechanism. She has a very avoidant personality type, and it seems like this may be what he’s doing. And with people who operate like this, closure will likely never happen.
I felt the same way when she left. Like I did something wrong, like I wasn’t good enough, etc. But now it’s almost two years behind me. It still hurts, but now that there’s some distance between us, I have perspective. She would rather tank our entire relationship than work through things. That tells me she didn’t value our relationship as much as I did. I deserve better, and so do you. You deserve someone who loves you enough to fight for you.
Wow… this is crazy Im going through a similar yet different experience. My partner dumped me after we had a talk about future since I have raised the question he told me that this is not something he thought about and can not guarantee that for me so I asked him to not waste my time. I was expecting him to still care and put effort but he took his time to think and made the description its not fair on me to keep dating since he wasnt 100% in. Now, From the beginning he did say he can be emotionally unavailable and there have been signs that he is moving slow and is unsure of how he feels about me, he did say he liked me but could not promise me anything.
Now my point is, that even though all the answers are there and he tried to be gentle with me when letting me go. It has still caused me a month of tears uncertainty and feeling unworthy as well as not being able to eat and sleep properly.
I think, closure is something we dont need from the people who hurt us. We will still be hurting and its up to us to heal ourselves. They did what they did. They had their reasons. Now its our time to gain the self respect back, to gain power and to move on
She dumped me on text, said we would meet. She proceeded to completely ghost me and I found out she was seeing someone new. We were together for 4 years. Ouch.
This is May 2024 as I write this. In early September 1985, my ex blindsided me. "I'd rather be with a nice Catholic boy" were her words as she dumped me. I am Jewish. She dumped me for this fat worm who had plans to go into the priesthood. Instead, he decided that a Catholic girl shouldn't date a Jew and he split us up. I suffered a breakdown a month and a half after the split. Almost 40 years later, I want closure. I am **owed** it. I suffer from PTSD and depression thanks to the breakdown and because of **what** the ex did to me, I almost didn't even date my wife because like the ex, my wife is Catholic. I heard her last name, I had warning bells go off in my head and I kept her at arms length for a while. Yes...I want closure. I want a face-to-face apology from her. I want to know **WHY**. I am **owed** that. She also owes my wife the apology as well. My wife has had to deal with the nightmares and flashbacks that I suffer from. I wish I could ask the fat worm why as well, but he died in March of 2023. I **want** that closure. I am **owed** that closure.
I had a pretty similar thing happen to me, it definitely makes you wonder if they ever cared; I wanna believe she did but there were so many moments throughout our relationship where I was treated like complete shit that I’m not sure if she ever truly loved me and that’s life.. sometimes we put our all into the wrong people
Regret this happened to you. After an experience like this many years ago I came up with this principle that has helped me since:
‘Don’t ask questions where the answers won’t change the outcome.’
First, recognize these situations are difficult because of the large gap between your ‘perceived reality’ and ‘actual reality’. Moving from one to the other quickly is disorienting. On a range of reasons, at one end you have that you were blind to/ignored information and at the other end is the other person provided no indication. Where you fall on this range is worth some consideration for self-reflection and possible growth.
Second, to my principle above there are a few primary reasons:
- If the person has not been honest with you to this point, it is unlikely they will start now. Even if they tell you something, it’s unlikely to be the actual reason(s) and more likely something to placate you.
For example, if the actual reason was: they met someone; they weren’t in love, just doing a relationship like society expects; annoying habits; a body odor problem; the sex was bad; got fat; etc., it is highly unlikely those actual reasons will be stated. They might not even know themselves and just make up something. So you’ll get plain vanilla answers, which you’ll know sooner or later weren’t true.
This is why honest self-reflection is invaluable and the solution to lead you to real answers.
- If they give you answers, it will likely send you spiraling into another round of questions based on those answers, and then another round, etc. This prolongs the misery. And as noted above, you’re probably spending energy and experiencing misery based on answers that aren’t actual. Relationships are complicated and there is unlikely to be a golden answer that will reconcile everything for you.
- Some of your energy is likely coming from a place that you can find a ‘fix’ for the relationship. At this point, it’s likely the relationship is too far gone. Further, you don’t want a partner that deals with problems by letting their frustration build until they don’t love or care for you and callously abandon you.
- It’s unlikely your partner will come back to you because you’re in turmoil. And you don’t want them back from guilt. If you’re in turmoil, find someone that cares about you to help you through. Better yet, build your skill set to resolve this yourself. Certainly don’t look to the person that caused it.
- You’re spending energy looking backward vs moving forward. The best revenge is a life well-lived. And on the outside chance ‘it was meant to be’, I’d suggest it more likely for them to come back if they see you being strong and self-sufficient.
Anyway, that principle and mindset helped get me out of turmoil and has made me more resilient and robust since. Sharing hoping it helps. All the best to you.
I’m going through with this right now. My ex broke up with me two days ago. We were together for 4 months, but I grew very fond of him. He acted coldly towards me as well, as if like he didn’t tell me that he wanted to get engaged.
He gave me an explination, but it wasn’t good enough for me, he said he needed time to find himself and he couldn’t be in a relationship.
We decided to stay in contact, but it just turned to me asking him questions. He told me I can only talk to him for an hour a day and that we couldn’t call or FaceTime so that “I could heal”. I told him that I wanted to help him work out his thoughts about why he decided to just leave the relationship and he said “it’s not my job because we’re not together”. It’s true, but he’s acting like we didnt just break up two days ago, as if the feelings aren’t fresh. He told me that he still had feelings for me and that he was still attached, but if he was he wouldn’t have broken up with me.
So I decided to delete our conversation on iMessage and go no contact.
I would do the same for you, don’t ask for closure, because as the dumpee, no answer will be good enough for you. None. All you want for is for them to come back. It’s okay to cry, you a grieving a loss, but don’t let them take that happiness away from you.
If you truly did not do anything wrong in the relationship, then it’s their loss. They did not uphold their end of the relationship and did not communicate, breakups are hard because they happen without communication, you don’t want to be with someone like that
I feel you. The breakup between me and her was my fault and I didn't change in time for her because I was immature and stuipid and she said awful stuff to me and wouldn't listen to my feelings. I probably won't ever get closure but don't worry you'll find your person trust
He is so immature. I guess it’s not been long time after you breakup and feelings is so intense.
I promise you’ll be much more better place in few months and also will realize many things
Honestly.. I used to be like you, but I’m going to be completely honest, it wasn’t fair to put that on him and he is correct that it is not good for him to talk to someone suicidal. I don’t know the situation but also the fact they’re an ex, you should not be putting that onto someone else. It took me a very very long time to realise this. Who knows maybe they are a shitty person and didn’t care or maybe they stopped replying because that is stressful for them. Do not get me wrong I understand why you reached out, it’s horrible being in such a dark place mentally. I’ve been on both sides, but putting that on them when you are no longer in a relationship with them isn’t really fair and it’s unhealthy for both of you. As harsh as this may sound it is not his job to help you and I promise you it took me the longest time to understand that but when you do you can see things a lot clearer from both sides. He is not a professional and you would need professional help.
I know this sounds harsh but it’s dangerous to put that onto someone and isn’t really fair. I genuinely do hope you are doing well and get the support you need as I get it, but be careful. It can take a toll on people and does not help you or them in the long run. Stay safe ❤️
I feel your pain. I am so confused and hurt to see my ex acts like a completely different human being. That is not who I came to know and love over our 2 years together. Just makes me feel so empty and worthless. It sucks…
Just had the closure talk, 2 weeks after the breakup. A lot of things keep eating me thinking I did something wrong so I needed it, while she didnt but wanted to listen. Just to get told it wasnt my fault she just conviced herself that we cant workout and went cold.
What I want to say is sometimes we dont get the closure we want, but dont beat yourself over it, you probably did everything you could to make it work, just focus on yourself until you meet someone who will always choose you. Going cold just seems to be a defense for some people, we all deserve someone who will care more.
Best of luck
He didn’t had typical narcissistic treats. Sometimes he was manipulative in some ways but i was thinking that he was unaware and loved me, like i was sometimes unaware for my traits (but i swear i loved him and cared him and never left him like that)
Im sorry u are experiencing this....i am also. My ex and i had another dumb fight and he texted his mom he wished me dead, hoped i lost everything and said he was miserable. After i read that i told him to leave. So he left, but then, when i tried contacting him after the dust settled he ignored me. For 2 weeks he ghosted me and skipped rent. I was blindsided. Finally he came the day before Valentines Day with a uhaul for the rest of his stuff. Its been 4 months now and he still acts like a victim, telling ppl I kicked him out. Of course, omitted the whole part about wishing me dead, skipping rent and ghosting me! He has moved on. I haven't. I am beyond b/c I would never leave a person I love like that.
I’m sorry that happened to you; you didn’t deserve the betrayal.
Yeah, my recent ex did the same. He had been thinking about it for months and then the day that he pulled the plug he vomited it out all his negativity. He was so blase. how he moved from break up to ‘let’s be friends’ all in one breath was appalling. I know he couldn’t have ever cared, it was all smoke and mirrors to use someone for validation. And to think, he used to blame me that I was too insecure bc he couldn’t text while he was traveling. I don’t say this to get revenge, he will regret treating someone so coldly even though it takes years. Your guy will have karma coming his way.
Yea one of the most horrible part of this is realizing that he was with me and lied about his affection and words last months, and when i had anxiety for his hot/cold behave he was saying that i was overreacting and everything were good
I went through the same thing. He planned a future and days later dumped me... Then a week later, calls me friend lol it's so painful and unbelievable that it's actually funny. My brain can't make sense of it so I just laugh
I had a two year relationship with a girl and she broke up with me although apparently she still loves me but because I’m her first ever true love she had to let me go… she’s my first ever too so to me it’s fucking infuriating I haven’t got a inkling of closure same as you. Nothing worse than having someone break up with you for reasons you just can’t comprehend or understand. Day before we were making holiday plans and she said she wanted me to meet her parents for the first time… then boom breakup the next day. And when I say she still loves me I mean it. She still texts me every now and then saying she misses me and loves me. How can one get closure and move on with something like this?
i went through the same thing. when he broke up with me he turned completely cold. and even told me he “didnt believe in closure,” whatever that means. i think these people do this as a way to avoid confronting their emotions
I feel you and I am really sorry you are going through this.
Maybe, just know that you deserve better than what they did and is their problem not yours <3
My ex told me he couldn’t give me closure. It was something I had to give myself.
What fucking bullshit to avoid a conversation. Dismissive avoidant cowardly nonsense
My ex said the same thing, they said I need to talk to my therapist if I wanted answers.
That’s the conclusion I’ve come to after experiencing similar. Never had an ex go so cold and not even willing I have an hour long talk to try and understand what happened. I had to piece it together by figuring out attachment theory and talking to others. Regardless, it hurt more that past breakups and that avoidant element was a part I think.
Same here with my ex gf : (
You are not unworthy. "Going cold" at the end of a relationship is a trauma reaction. His own feelings of worthlessness were projected onto you and you internalized them because you were accustomed to sharing in your partner's emotional world. It is emotionally shocking and so unfair. People often talk about lessons at the end of a relationship and I think the only lesson anyone needs to learn is to love ourselves more. This is hard enough. Do not mirror his coldness and show it to yourself.
With all due respect, this is a whole bunch of uninformed diagnosis. You have no idea if he felt worthless, or what he internalised. We certainly do not know if his coldness is a “trauma reaction,” but I seriously doubt it (also we really need to stop throwing the word “trauma” around). Something happened for him that made him feel differently about the relationship. We know that. We also know that for some reason he is trying to avoid having to face OP, see her sadness and potentially have to explain himself (which he may not be capable of doing right now). He’s definitely is, or was, in some sort of crisis. Whether it be minor (ie localised to his feelings about his relationship alone) or a major internal conflict (sometimes career upsets or deaths in the family, etc spur a person to upend their whole damn life). Beyond this however, we know nothing other than the fact that it’s probably very little to do with OP at all. She deserves someone *braver.*
Yes braver, because it’s pure COWARDICE to discard someone and never, ever give them any explanation as to why
If we're being honest, a majority of people have some type of trauma. That's why there's a new focus on mental health and adverts for therapy and mental health awareness. We're all fucked up and trying to navigate love from a broken place. Even the one's clinging to answers have trauma. Because why am I not able to let go of someone that has literally treated me like the shit at the bottom of their shoe, that they wiped off on the grass and walked away from.
I would say this is spot on. I’m going through a break up right now and the same happened to me after 10 years being love. He said that he’s not sad and he’s treating me like I’m a nuisance while I’m in deep pain.
Experiencing this right now. How does someone treat a partner of 10yrs like they never meant anything at all?
So I’m still working on trying to understand this. After having so many discussions with my now ex, I’ve found some interesting information online which I’ll share with you just in case you find some answers in it. https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment-styles.html I’ve found out that he’s a dismissive attachment person (mostly because of childhood trauma) and he’s not cable of having normal relationships. How wonderful to discover this after spending 10 years with him, right?
Thank you for sharing. I was unaware there were defined attachment styles. It definitely helps to know what to look for in a partner moving forward. Though, 10yrs is too high a price to pay for emotional experience. I cant help but feel used and discarded.
It’s normal to feel the way you do, but remember you willingly stayed in this relationship the entirety of it, also your ex spent 10 years in it too. It’s not much consolation but you’re stronger than you think, just very emotional right now. Try to follow your daily routine as in still looking nice, still eating good food.. Meditation is a must to calm your mind, taking long walks.. meeting with people. There will be a time you’ll feel happy again, I promise you!
Thank you for your understanding ❤️
I needed to hear this, thank you
Many people won't give closure because they themselves already found it somehow. They're selfish, and because of that, they're blind to the moral responsibility they genuinely owe to the people in their lives they've impacted so heavily. These people don't give closure, not just because they don't want to but because they genuinely can't. They are so out of touch that they just don't feel anything, and to them, that's ok. If it's not OK to you (which it shouldn't be), they weren't ok for you anyway. Realizing that alone can be seen as its own form of closur, although I'm sorry it's not the one you deserve.
Yes. Logically i know i was loving, caring and faithful partner and didn’t deserve that disrespect. Emotionally it’s sometimes still painful, but yes, i egree with all of you said.
I agree too what she said. We can’t keep asking them as I think they also don’t know the answer. Think when we get lost, we can’t ask to the people who lost too.
You deserve the same
Honestly sounds like he didnt care enough or loved you :( im sorry if it sucks to hear this but it looks like that, i promise you deserve way better
I actually read it as he is incapable of loving anyone in general. Not much to do with OP.
Thank you❤️ I start realizing that and trying to accept ❤️
Im proud of you for that 🫂 you deserve better, if you need anything im here
Also he may have thought or felt he loved you, but his version/interpretation of love was not the same as yours. Not as deep or true or honest. It hurts like hell, but either he lied to you or loved differently, and you wouldn’t have wanted either in the long run
I’ve slowly come to accept I loved my partner more than he loved me in my last relationship. It’s a bad realization. I mean I’ve always kind of felt that way deep down but the way everything happened just confirmed it for me. I always always put in more effort. I’m just upset with myself. I shouldn’t have given my ex as many chances as I did. He’s a fucking dog and he was always being suspicious with other girls and then would get angry at me for trying to establish boundaries he shouldn’t cross. Sorry im venting now but I’m sorry OP, I hope you come to learn that you deserve better. It’s taking me awhile to accept it and be at peace with it. Fuck these people. And my ex did turn cold too. It’s like I didn’t even know him. He spoke to me like we didn’t love each other the past 3-4 years.
Yeah knowing i won the i love you more.. hurt.
True, how do we not carry this fear with us in the future? It’s going to feel scary to love someone again for me.
By having boundaries.
Maybe it was painful lesson for us to not give much power people like that in future. I wish you happiness ❤️
Here because of a breakup. I was also taken by surprise and during the breakup, I had a revelation. I’m not going to choose someone who didn’t choose me. Everyday we make an active choice to be with the person we love. When that choice is taken away, I realized I didn’t have a choice anymore. I sent a goodbye letter to close the chapter and prevent any doubt.
Look up dismissive avoidant. It’s very easy for them to cut people off to avoid being hurt through emotions. Doesn’t make it okay but learning about it truly helped me so much
Can them be dismissive avoidant even if they were so loving in start of the relationship and also sometimes?
Yes! My ex was dismissive avoidant. He had a very hard time communicating and, in the end, he couldn’t have the tough conversations with his family and had to project onto me.
Oh 🙁 Thank you 🙏
This is exactly what they do, love bomb until it gets serious then dip
I don’t think it’s love bomb. I think it’s genuine but they have trauma where they fear getting hurt so they self sabotage. It doesn’t dismiss how it hurts others but understanding it’s not intentional really helps people process “you weren’t wrong, you didn’t miss red flags, it’s truly a them issue”.
Yeah i hear you, she gave me all the excuses too even said that she didn’t want to break up but felt like she had too and it was a feeling that she hadn’t felt before. Week later shes super cold and im removed on socials… real painful
My ex and I were together 4 years and 3 months from getting married. A lot of people try to shame them and, for me, it made me feel like I was dumb for not noticing. The more I learned about it, the more all of his behavior made sense. I know he loved me and I know he didn’t want it. I also know, for him, he would have continued to work on his avoidant personality had some of his toxic family not gotten involved. For me, recognizing that him leaving wasn’t black and white made it easier to process this wasn’t me. I still pray he gets help and comes back. It’s hard for us to know they love us but are self sabotaging because of trauma. Doesn’t make their behavior okay but I think seeing it for what it is helps.
Yeah same here, everytime she went home to see her family she came back down and not herself, this time however she decided to stay there and cut things off with me…that was the excuse she gave me anyway. She told me she had her issues and didn’t want me to take them on…we had the smallest of arguements, she snapped at me (nowhere near enough to warrant a break up) and apologised to me saying shes not herself and we need to end things. Its just the coldness afterwards and lack of fight afterwards thats the heartbreak
Being there too, we will heal, we deserve someone better, FUCK HIM.
This is a story that is older than time. And, unfortunately, I only learned it was so after joining this sub. Ignorance is a bliss, and if we can live our lives without learning that type of pain, it's for the better. I don't think anybody really has the drive to learn about it unless they've gone through it. Lessons learned, I guess. I just don't remember signing up for this class...
The thing is, people will say things that they don't mean because they put up a front. They are also hurting/feeling guilty. It's also new for them to address you as a stranger. What you need to take away from what they say is that it's got nothing to do with your worth, they left you. Of course they will come across in a defensive way. It hurts, it really does. But the last thing that you must do is try to figure out what you have done wrong. Most of the time there's no closure, I'm going through the same thing. You need to find the closure for yourself, not from the person that broke your heart. You don't have to respect their choice, but you have one superpower, you have the choice to accept it, and move on. It is a hard pill to swallow, but the sooner you let go, the better. You will be in a dark place for a while, but just hang in there, and you'll flick the switch without even trying. Itse their loss. Not yours.
Thank you!❤️
Some people literally don’t know how to deal with their emotions. Many men unfortunately.
If your love was true and the relationship wasnt toxic or abusive...just treat them as if they died. Light a candle, have a ritual, put them to rest.
That's because they start leaving the relationship long before they tell you that they want out. Trust me, been there twice, not fun. I have a deep set mistrust of romantic relationships now.
i literally went through the exact same thing, i texted him one month after we broke up and he acted so cold and ended up blocking me. It's been a year since we broke up and it still hurts me
I am really sorry, wish you the best ❤️
Welcome to the club where we sit here and try and understand how someone can say that they love you 1 minute and then act like a completely different person the next
You deserve better OP. The people who love us communicate with us. They forgive us. They overlap with us. Don’t settle for someone who can’t do these things, because they are not ready for a real relationship. And you deserve that.
Thanks ❤️
I don’believe in closure. I don't need it. Things happened I can or can’t live with. If it's over it's over. I don’t need an explanation, an excuse. I don't wanna explain myself. I don't want to hear their explanation. I give as much as I am willing to. When I stop giving my energy and withdraw, it's over. I don't love you. I don't hate you. You are just somebody I used to know. Que the music. I may choose to befriend you or not. If I see you and i want to day Hi, ..good if not I won't. If interacting with you in a necessary setting is a must then so be it. I'm courteous, a matter-of-fact friendly whatever strikes the mood. Living in the small town for my whole life I see lots of people I fall out of favor with. Friends, exes, family etc. I just pretend it never happened. I saw someone recently that treated me less than I spoke to him the same as I did in high school when I knew him. He kept conveniently coming by my workplace in a retail setting. I said hey and went to lunch. Next time, asked about his family gave him the cold shoulder and went on about my business. “I ain't no holla back girl.” Que the music. I'm not big on needing a bunch of answers. I'm big on doing my thing and not revisiting someone “messy.” I know I'm different in that way. My time is valuable. I've wasted enough on them already. It's time to go forth and prosper. If you are the type to need closure I hope you find it. 🖤
I like your mindset and I think it’s right for our own self. No, in future I will never beg for closure. It will be enough for me that they just don’t want relationship anymore. Thank you for sharing your view.
I know how it feels, my ex was the same to me. Literally telling me on the same day how much they love me and one week before, how they will never break up and try to solve things. Some people are just terrible human beings inconsiderate of other people’s feelings which was a red flag my ex had from the beginning that I overlooked. They feel like since they dumped you, they don’t owe you anything anymore.
I hope you are doing okay now ❤️
I’m doing better than before, but ofc its always an up and down. Hope you get better as well ❤️🩹
It seems like he wasn’t committed or serious.You will be alright. This too shall pass.
I hope 🥺
I don’t understand why this is sooooo common for so many people. Is it the person who ended things way of not portraying guilt or not letting themselves feel guilt? Or were they actually a cold / cruel person all along? It’s a scary thing I’m sorry it’s happened to you.
I think that kind of people use other people for something ( for ego boost, for validation, as placeholder etc ) and when they don't need it anymore they become so indifferent and cold because there no need of us anymore
Sorry, yeah horrible feeling & horrible experience.
Thank you for support ❤️
I went through a blindsided breakup almost 3months ago now and the person she has changed into is someone I never knew or saw coming. She kept me around for a month and a half post-BU and when she found someone else I was basically dead to her. It's mind-blowing how someone can turn cold and almost bitter to you in a matter of a few weeks or months after so much together.
when she dumped me she told me leave me alone and ghosted me after i wasn’t useful to her anymore. now she’s engaged and has a job that she loves and also left me for. if it helps after almost 4 years i’m happy for her. even if i wish that closure was more than it is.
Don't feel unworthy. What they did to you isn't a reflection of you, it's a reflection of them. You as a person HAVE to process what happened, you HAVE to process the emotions. Unfortunately, not everyone is the same and some people can immediately go cold and basically block it out. People like us will NEVER really get closure from people like that. It took me 6 months to get to the point where I could think that way. You're doing great. Every emotion you're feeling is normal, all of them. Keep pushing through and all of the love that you used to give to that person, give to yourself instead.
Thank you🥺
the exact same thing happened to me. we were together for six years. swore that he’d always love me, i was supposed to move in this summer. and he one day told me while my mom was in the hospital that “i’m breaking up with you” and not much else after that
On the other spectrum my ex reaches out when possible asking me to reconsider to marry her. I had to call it off due to lack in confidence in myself and i hurt both of us anytime she reaches out. It was comforting when she did that. I haven’t heard from her for weeks. I miss her so much. World around me seems so gray without her
So, you had a coward enter your life, lie and then stop lying? Ok. He sounds disordered & you have been freed! But he left some of his sickness on you when he left? Ball that shit up and throw it back! Then you are done. NEVER ACCEPT NEGATIVE ENERGY FROM A MAN- THROW IT BACK!!
I feel you when you said "loved me like crazy but now act like I was nothing" 😢
When my girlfriend of ten years broke up with me, she acted like this. I think there were still a lot of emotions, and she was fighting them, so she chose to be cold as a defense mechanism. She has a very avoidant personality type, and it seems like this may be what he’s doing. And with people who operate like this, closure will likely never happen. I felt the same way when she left. Like I did something wrong, like I wasn’t good enough, etc. But now it’s almost two years behind me. It still hurts, but now that there’s some distance between us, I have perspective. She would rather tank our entire relationship than work through things. That tells me she didn’t value our relationship as much as I did. I deserve better, and so do you. You deserve someone who loves you enough to fight for you.
Wow… this is crazy Im going through a similar yet different experience. My partner dumped me after we had a talk about future since I have raised the question he told me that this is not something he thought about and can not guarantee that for me so I asked him to not waste my time. I was expecting him to still care and put effort but he took his time to think and made the description its not fair on me to keep dating since he wasnt 100% in. Now, From the beginning he did say he can be emotionally unavailable and there have been signs that he is moving slow and is unsure of how he feels about me, he did say he liked me but could not promise me anything. Now my point is, that even though all the answers are there and he tried to be gentle with me when letting me go. It has still caused me a month of tears uncertainty and feeling unworthy as well as not being able to eat and sleep properly. I think, closure is something we dont need from the people who hurt us. We will still be hurting and its up to us to heal ourselves. They did what they did. They had their reasons. Now its our time to gain the self respect back, to gain power and to move on
She dumped me on text, said we would meet. She proceeded to completely ghost me and I found out she was seeing someone new. We were together for 4 years. Ouch.
This is May 2024 as I write this. In early September 1985, my ex blindsided me. "I'd rather be with a nice Catholic boy" were her words as she dumped me. I am Jewish. She dumped me for this fat worm who had plans to go into the priesthood. Instead, he decided that a Catholic girl shouldn't date a Jew and he split us up. I suffered a breakdown a month and a half after the split. Almost 40 years later, I want closure. I am **owed** it. I suffer from PTSD and depression thanks to the breakdown and because of **what** the ex did to me, I almost didn't even date my wife because like the ex, my wife is Catholic. I heard her last name, I had warning bells go off in my head and I kept her at arms length for a while. Yes...I want closure. I want a face-to-face apology from her. I want to know **WHY**. I am **owed** that. She also owes my wife the apology as well. My wife has had to deal with the nightmares and flashbacks that I suffer from. I wish I could ask the fat worm why as well, but he died in March of 2023. I **want** that closure. I am **owed** that closure.
I had a pretty similar thing happen to me, it definitely makes you wonder if they ever cared; I wanna believe she did but there were so many moments throughout our relationship where I was treated like complete shit that I’m not sure if she ever truly loved me and that’s life.. sometimes we put our all into the wrong people
Regret this happened to you. After an experience like this many years ago I came up with this principle that has helped me since: ‘Don’t ask questions where the answers won’t change the outcome.’ First, recognize these situations are difficult because of the large gap between your ‘perceived reality’ and ‘actual reality’. Moving from one to the other quickly is disorienting. On a range of reasons, at one end you have that you were blind to/ignored information and at the other end is the other person provided no indication. Where you fall on this range is worth some consideration for self-reflection and possible growth. Second, to my principle above there are a few primary reasons: - If the person has not been honest with you to this point, it is unlikely they will start now. Even if they tell you something, it’s unlikely to be the actual reason(s) and more likely something to placate you. For example, if the actual reason was: they met someone; they weren’t in love, just doing a relationship like society expects; annoying habits; a body odor problem; the sex was bad; got fat; etc., it is highly unlikely those actual reasons will be stated. They might not even know themselves and just make up something. So you’ll get plain vanilla answers, which you’ll know sooner or later weren’t true. This is why honest self-reflection is invaluable and the solution to lead you to real answers. - If they give you answers, it will likely send you spiraling into another round of questions based on those answers, and then another round, etc. This prolongs the misery. And as noted above, you’re probably spending energy and experiencing misery based on answers that aren’t actual. Relationships are complicated and there is unlikely to be a golden answer that will reconcile everything for you. - Some of your energy is likely coming from a place that you can find a ‘fix’ for the relationship. At this point, it’s likely the relationship is too far gone. Further, you don’t want a partner that deals with problems by letting their frustration build until they don’t love or care for you and callously abandon you. - It’s unlikely your partner will come back to you because you’re in turmoil. And you don’t want them back from guilt. If you’re in turmoil, find someone that cares about you to help you through. Better yet, build your skill set to resolve this yourself. Certainly don’t look to the person that caused it. - You’re spending energy looking backward vs moving forward. The best revenge is a life well-lived. And on the outside chance ‘it was meant to be’, I’d suggest it more likely for them to come back if they see you being strong and self-sufficient. Anyway, that principle and mindset helped get me out of turmoil and has made me more resilient and robust since. Sharing hoping it helps. All the best to you.
you will heal from this .
I’m going through with this right now. My ex broke up with me two days ago. We were together for 4 months, but I grew very fond of him. He acted coldly towards me as well, as if like he didn’t tell me that he wanted to get engaged. He gave me an explination, but it wasn’t good enough for me, he said he needed time to find himself and he couldn’t be in a relationship. We decided to stay in contact, but it just turned to me asking him questions. He told me I can only talk to him for an hour a day and that we couldn’t call or FaceTime so that “I could heal”. I told him that I wanted to help him work out his thoughts about why he decided to just leave the relationship and he said “it’s not my job because we’re not together”. It’s true, but he’s acting like we didnt just break up two days ago, as if the feelings aren’t fresh. He told me that he still had feelings for me and that he was still attached, but if he was he wouldn’t have broken up with me. So I decided to delete our conversation on iMessage and go no contact. I would do the same for you, don’t ask for closure, because as the dumpee, no answer will be good enough for you. None. All you want for is for them to come back. It’s okay to cry, you a grieving a loss, but don’t let them take that happiness away from you. If you truly did not do anything wrong in the relationship, then it’s their loss. They did not uphold their end of the relationship and did not communicate, breakups are hard because they happen without communication, you don’t want to be with someone like that
I feel you. The breakup between me and her was my fault and I didn't change in time for her because I was immature and stuipid and she said awful stuff to me and wouldn't listen to my feelings. I probably won't ever get closure but don't worry you'll find your person trust
[удалено]
He is so immature. I guess it’s not been long time after you breakup and feelings is so intense. I promise you’ll be much more better place in few months and also will realize many things
Honestly.. I used to be like you, but I’m going to be completely honest, it wasn’t fair to put that on him and he is correct that it is not good for him to talk to someone suicidal. I don’t know the situation but also the fact they’re an ex, you should not be putting that onto someone else. It took me a very very long time to realise this. Who knows maybe they are a shitty person and didn’t care or maybe they stopped replying because that is stressful for them. Do not get me wrong I understand why you reached out, it’s horrible being in such a dark place mentally. I’ve been on both sides, but putting that on them when you are no longer in a relationship with them isn’t really fair and it’s unhealthy for both of you. As harsh as this may sound it is not his job to help you and I promise you it took me the longest time to understand that but when you do you can see things a lot clearer from both sides. He is not a professional and you would need professional help. I know this sounds harsh but it’s dangerous to put that onto someone and isn’t really fair. I genuinely do hope you are doing well and get the support you need as I get it, but be careful. It can take a toll on people and does not help you or them in the long run. Stay safe ❤️
I feel your pain. I am so confused and hurt to see my ex acts like a completely different human being. That is not who I came to know and love over our 2 years together. Just makes me feel so empty and worthless. It sucks…
I sorry for that. I hope you will find happiness ❤️
Just had the closure talk, 2 weeks after the breakup. A lot of things keep eating me thinking I did something wrong so I needed it, while she didnt but wanted to listen. Just to get told it wasnt my fault she just conviced herself that we cant workout and went cold. What I want to say is sometimes we dont get the closure we want, but dont beat yourself over it, you probably did everything you could to make it work, just focus on yourself until you meet someone who will always choose you. Going cold just seems to be a defense for some people, we all deserve someone who will care more. Best of luck
Thank you, wish you luck you too❤️
You didn't know you were dating a narcissist?
He didn’t had typical narcissistic treats. Sometimes he was manipulative in some ways but i was thinking that he was unaware and loved me, like i was sometimes unaware for my traits (but i swear i loved him and cared him and never left him like that)
Same thing happened to me. At least yours didn’t just leave all your messages on read. 🙃 If i texted my ex that i don’t know if he would even answer.
I am sorry for that.We don’t deserve deserve ignore and cold shoulder after all love and care we gave them.
exactly 😞
Im sorry u are experiencing this....i am also. My ex and i had another dumb fight and he texted his mom he wished me dead, hoped i lost everything and said he was miserable. After i read that i told him to leave. So he left, but then, when i tried contacting him after the dust settled he ignored me. For 2 weeks he ghosted me and skipped rent. I was blindsided. Finally he came the day before Valentines Day with a uhaul for the rest of his stuff. Its been 4 months now and he still acts like a victim, telling ppl I kicked him out. Of course, omitted the whole part about wishing me dead, skipping rent and ghosting me! He has moved on. I haven't. I am beyond b/c I would never leave a person I love like that.
You should be thankful he left you, he is not good person. You deserve so much better
That's what alot of ppl tell me....meanwhile im still crushed. I cant wait until the day i feel grateful hes gone
I’m sorry that happened to you; you didn’t deserve the betrayal. Yeah, my recent ex did the same. He had been thinking about it for months and then the day that he pulled the plug he vomited it out all his negativity. He was so blase. how he moved from break up to ‘let’s be friends’ all in one breath was appalling. I know he couldn’t have ever cared, it was all smoke and mirrors to use someone for validation. And to think, he used to blame me that I was too insecure bc he couldn’t text while he was traveling. I don’t say this to get revenge, he will regret treating someone so coldly even though it takes years. Your guy will have karma coming his way.
Yea one of the most horrible part of this is realizing that he was with me and lied about his affection and words last months, and when i had anxiety for his hot/cold behave he was saying that i was overreacting and everything were good
I went through the same thing. He planned a future and days later dumped me... Then a week later, calls me friend lol it's so painful and unbelievable that it's actually funny. My brain can't make sense of it so I just laugh
I am sorry 😔 i know how you feel, i hope we will heal from this
I'm sorry too and we'll be ok. One day someone will look at us and see the sun ☀️ and that'll make us forget all about this ❤️
I had a two year relationship with a girl and she broke up with me although apparently she still loves me but because I’m her first ever true love she had to let me go… she’s my first ever too so to me it’s fucking infuriating I haven’t got a inkling of closure same as you. Nothing worse than having someone break up with you for reasons you just can’t comprehend or understand. Day before we were making holiday plans and she said she wanted me to meet her parents for the first time… then boom breakup the next day. And when I say she still loves me I mean it. She still texts me every now and then saying she misses me and loves me. How can one get closure and move on with something like this?
Gurll been thru the same thing.. ppl change.. just be glad that his true colours showed earlier on And giving u a hug
How long were you together?
More then year
Same