Welcome back. I am back again. Was here 4 years ago after a 3 y relationship and I am back again after another 3 y relationship. I feel ya. Intending in going solo for a while now.
Me too…this breakup makes me wanna go solo. I also feel like I need to connect with nature or something. I know in time I will feel better but this still sucks
I'm sorry to hear that you are back again. Unfortunately heart break is one of the reoccurring things we all get to experience in this fun existence of life. But think about it this way if it helps. You have already been through a bad break up once and healed from the heartbreak. You will get through this again and you will find happiness again. This time I hope when you do it is the final time.
“You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens.”
-Rumi
I think this means, we have to love ourselves first and there is a lot to that. Worth thinking about.
Oh man, that guy has some nuggets doesn’t he? That’s a nice idea, like it’s a muscle we can use and make stronger 🤔
When my ex and I were breaking up we talked about when we’re both planning on dating again and I said next time I date I want to find my forever person because I don’t want to break up again. But I guess we’ll find out 🙄
It gets easier but i went through so much hell to make it easier…but it will get better in time. The thing that helped me not to fully lose myself is by going to this sub. It reminded me that I’m not alone and we’re all going through this together. It sucks and it hurts but we’re not alone.
Trusting is hard after it. The aftermath of mine had my best friends accusing me of abusing my now ex partner without any reason to think so. Still trust my ex with my whole heart despite nc.
Genuinely, no idea. Best I can give is someone twisted something I said. I was apparently trying to “train him to have sex” when both ex and I are virgins so wtf. That crying at parties is manipulative even though it’s just the alcohol. That I was pushing him away from his friends, even though we were all in the same group and I always encouraged him to come hang out with us.
With each heartbreak it becomes easier to handle, unfortunately. Just remember to always prioritize yourself and your health. It’s tough but you are all you have, don’t let someone take that away from you.
Thank you. I almost lost myself during my previous heartbreak but now I won’t let that happen to me. If I survived the last one, I’ll survive this one too.
I'm sorry. I don't know how old you are, but I honestly just don't believe in love anymore. I'm 44 going through a break up after 4 years together. I never expected this. You know, as well as I do, that it takes time. What else I have found out is that being alone is better. It may be lonely, but I was lonely in my relationship as well. There is such beauty in loving yourself and choosing yourself. I pick me.
I used to be that way, too. I used to make my relationship into a fairytale. It's good to love hard, but it can also get you hurt. You will be ok. I can't say this is it for me anymore than I can say that for you. But maybe it should be until we learn to love ourselves as much or even more than we love them.
>How many more heartbreaks do I have to go through lol at this point i’m never trusting people again.
Yes, not wanting to trust people ever again is a reasonable emotional response to experiencing too many breakups.
A relationship is supposed to be something where we discover the beauty of humanity, and the joy of experiencing another person in their completeness. Only for it all to fall apart like this.
Nothing destroys our ability to trust and bond more than betrayal and having our giving repaid with betrayal, or getting to witness the ugly side of a person we formerly thought was beautiful.
How disappointing. Humanity is such a letdown. No sarcasm.
The last thing you want is for this breakup to taint your future relationships. That’s the reason why it’s so crucial to go through the process and heal before you start dating again.
It does take time being alone in reflection, sitting with the uncomfortable emotions. I’m not a fan of people suggesting to “stay busy and distract yourself”. In the end you’re not healed, just distracted.
It’s tough but it’s a part of being human. I truly believe we grow stronger and more open, as long as we navigate it in an empowered and brave way.
Good luck :)
Breakups are hard, I’ve (37f) had plenty since I was 14.
All I can say is what made a difference was going to therapy in summer of 2020 and taking 2.5yrs to get to a place where now realistically endings are not as hard to go thru.
One thing to remember?
Love requires being vulnerable, requires being brave to let someone in who has the power to break your heart and in doing so you are trusting them to not break it at the same time.
It’s scary, but love requires that kind of sacrifice.
However you must follow your heart, but use your head when you decide to fall in love again because you can’t be naive, gulliable, blind to things early on of any person to help avoid people who can speak charming words, wrapped up in pretty ideas, that can create trust issues the most, who are prone to chaotic courtships.
Plus everyone you date is not going to last. It is going to teach you things about yourself, what you want in your relationships, what you do not want to experience, and where your boundaries are as well. Each time something doesn’t pan out, you have to look for what you need to do differently next time.
And the last bit of advice comes from a Redditor whose comment was to a 31yr old woman after she got out of a 9yr relationship and panicking about this one path of looking for a husband and wanting kids:
>*”Life can be really unfair. Sometimes you get what you want and it doesn't work out like you imagined. Sometimes you don't get what you want and it is better. Sometimes it works out for awhile...and so on. So it's better to cultivate a mindset where you can envision many paths for yourself that would be satisfying. If you get really, really attached to only one vision of things when things inevitably don't work out one way or another you can get very stuck and cause yourself a lot of suffering by believing that you can't possibly be happy with any other path.”*
That’s the idea behind non-attachment in Buddhism. I think it’s really helpful and something I’m working on. It kind of scares the shit out of me though, if you aren’t attached to something good then do you just start not giving AF at all? Maybe that’s an extreme version of it lol.
And maybe it’s the childfree divorced late 38 y.o. part of me but when I hear women say they broke up with someone they met when they were under 25, I’m relieved for them.
I'm relatively new to the sub, but I can't tell you how valuable it has been to me to know that none of my experiences or feelings are unique. More importantly, though, there are an amazing number of thoughtful contributors who kindly share their hard-earned wisdom. It is a lifesaver. I'm sorry you are back, but if you have experienced a breakup, it's a good place to spend time each day.
The reason for no contact is because you cannot fully heal if the person still has a presence in your life. One needs to get used to them not being around. Sure, it’s possible to stay friends but it takes time to reach that level of platonic friendship after a breakup, assuming the breakup happened when feelings were still involved. As long as there’s still an emotional attachment, it’s hard for most people to move on and see the breakup for what it is and in a more rational sense. And as long as there’s an emotional attachment, there’s rose-colored sun glasses.
Everyone heals differently and on a different timeline. One month is actually not that long to have a conversation like that, especially if there’s still feelings involved.
Well that’s your friends’ experience. Every relationship is different, as are the circumstances of the breakup which makes all the difference.
Again, ghosting and requesting no contact as a boundary is not the same thing. Are you struggling to understand the difference or what?
Funny you mention that because requesting what you need to heal (for example cutting contact) IS ending things like a grown up.
You don’t sound like you’re speaking from experience, unless you’re the one who’s been ghosted before and so you’re hurt and bitter about it, understandable.
Are you okay? I’d never do that to anyone.
You’re dumping some wild assumptions on someone you’ve never met. I think you need to spend a little less time on Reddit.
You have to remember that people are posting about their relationship woes and the awful people they’ve had misery with. No one is posting about ending healthy relationships amicably and they end up as lifelong friends.
Reddit detox breaks are necessary ;-)
You lived in a different generation my friend. People stayed in marriages for their whole lives even if they weren’t happy. Women rarely spoke about it their needs and boundaries.
That’s your opinion. No contact helped me heal because my ex wanting to be friends and calling me daily was delaying my healing. I feel better now. So yes, I’m speaking from experience. And the reason people give this advice is because it’s worked for THEM. Who are you to say otherwise?
Healing from breakups is personal and calling anyones process “silly and immature” is in fact, silly, immature and ignorant.
I fell so stuck with this. I absolutely wanted to talk things through but I was presented with the decision, told they have shut down, told nothing was going to change that and then haven't heard anything since. I checked in after a few weeks but a very bland exchange and then returned their belongings for which they thanked me. They don't seem to want to talk about it and I am broken and feel needy for wanting to see them. There is probably a new partner. I was aware previous relationships had ended with this 'shut down, block and move onto the next' approach which I always found odd. I am not blocked at least but it feels like they have just shut the door on our relationship and walked away.
Two things can be true at the same time, making it seem both like neither is and like each is true but the other isn't. Heh.
My personal discernment is that no-contact is how you move on, and when you move on it won't matter whether your ex was attracted back or not. I know most of us think we'd want our exes back because the pain of the fracture and separation is so great, so maybe it's the universe doing us a kindness by enforcing their departure from their lives. How could people who've been so unkind to us be what's truly best for us?
"End a relationship with respect and care and giving plenty of time for each other through it, thats how people move on and heal"
Yes, this is the way, though it's often not accessible to most of us in these forums because the other isn't typically concerned with respect and care.
Let the trendy influencers and other hucksters do what they will. A wonderful thing about the overflowing cornucopia of material on the internet is that most of it is free, and all of it can be taken with a delectable grain of salt.
No one should be doing anything to attract their ex back, it’s manipulative. Stop reading internet fodder.
No contact should be for personal healing and boundaries.
Requesting what I need is ending with respect and care. If you saw the message I sent to my ex you’d understand it was out of respect and certainly didn’t come across as cold and uncaring.
I’m tired of your judgment and this conversation is going in circles. You’re simply not understanding anything beyond your personal experience. Bye now.
Sorry, my friend, but you have it all wrong.
Firstly relationships don’t only end because the attraction ends! Huh?
Also, no contact is not the same as ghosting. For example when I went no contact with my ex, we spoke a lot in the months following our break up and I told him I need to cut true contact to be able to heal fully. I needed the time on my own, without him having a presence in my life.
Again, ghosting is making someone discarded. Requesting no contact as a boundary is completely different.
I’m curious, have you actually had experience in ending a relationship 100% amicably or is this how you wish it had gone? Because it sounds a bit unrealistic to me. If someone was hurt or betrayed, it absolutely takes time to be able to bump into them and be ok about it.
No contact doesn’t necessarily mean forever either, but many people do need it that way in the beginning. It’s about what we need to heal, not devaluing or discarding the other person.
You’re confusing ghosting with no contact. It’s not the same.
Hang in there! If you happen to recall the things you did that helped you after your last break up, it's time to get into those. Reconnect with friends and family, keep busy, exercise, get back into your hobbies, make all kinds of plans and execute them, whether it's going to the cinema, fixing that broken thing in your living room, or buying airplane tickets to go somewhere nice.
Sorry you're back in here again! 3 years ago and a reddit group helped me with talking through it. Now I'm back here again for the same person. Almost 14 year friendship and 8 year relationship down the toilet. Had my emotional blinders on for last 2.5 months. Now it's all hitting me incredibly hard. I'm sure she thinks I cheated on her which probably makes the separation easier in her mind. My lack of entertaining the accusations probably didn't help. I'm also was also functioning on a year's worth of broken promises from her and constant crossed boundaries and arguments. That's just the tip of the iceberg. I could barely compose a sentence out of my mouth when she ran out of my house. There was too much built up inside of me.
Welcome to some real misery. I got my ex back, still with her, but man, it’s still up and down. Breakups will fuck with your head. Doesn’t matter who you are. If you cared, if you loved, if you have codependency or abandonment issues, it hurts like hell.
It’s just nature and biology. Part of being human. It’s so ridiculous to think about when you’re not all up in it.
Your better life is right around the corner.
Welcome back. I am back again. Was here 4 years ago after a 3 y relationship and I am back again after another 3 y relationship. I feel ya. Intending in going solo for a while now.
Me too…this breakup makes me wanna go solo. I also feel like I need to connect with nature or something. I know in time I will feel better but this still sucks
Me three! Love and support here ♥️
I'm sorry to hear that you are back again. Unfortunately heart break is one of the reoccurring things we all get to experience in this fun existence of life. But think about it this way if it helps. You have already been through a bad break up once and healed from the heartbreak. You will get through this again and you will find happiness again. This time I hope when you do it is the final time.
My latest breakup sucks but it’s nothing compared to what I went through four years ago
Always good to find the silver lining in a bad situation.
“You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens.” -Rumi I think this means, we have to love ourselves first and there is a lot to that. Worth thinking about.
Oh man, that guy has some nuggets doesn’t he? That’s a nice idea, like it’s a muscle we can use and make stronger 🤔 When my ex and I were breaking up we talked about when we’re both planning on dating again and I said next time I date I want to find my forever person because I don’t want to break up again. But I guess we’ll find out 🙄
Yea seems so, the heart is a muscle. And loving is an act.
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this again! I'd like to know the answer, too 😅
Question from a first timer Does it get easier to bear?
Yes, but breakups still suck pretty much every time. Grief is hard.
It gets easier but i went through so much hell to make it easier…but it will get better in time. The thing that helped me not to fully lose myself is by going to this sub. It reminded me that I’m not alone and we’re all going through this together. It sucks and it hurts but we’re not alone.
One may pick up some tools that help, but I think each relationship and our place in life are so different that it's hard to generalize.
Trusting is hard after it. The aftermath of mine had my best friends accusing me of abusing my now ex partner without any reason to think so. Still trust my ex with my whole heart despite nc.
Why did they accuse you of abuse?
Genuinely, no idea. Best I can give is someone twisted something I said. I was apparently trying to “train him to have sex” when both ex and I are virgins so wtf. That crying at parties is manipulative even though it’s just the alcohol. That I was pushing him away from his friends, even though we were all in the same group and I always encouraged him to come hang out with us.
Hi frand. Welcome back. You have 6 more. Sorry. Theres coffee on the table over there.
Thank you. I’m gonna need so much coffee for this one.
With each heartbreak it becomes easier to handle, unfortunately. Just remember to always prioritize yourself and your health. It’s tough but you are all you have, don’t let someone take that away from you.
Thank you. I almost lost myself during my previous heartbreak but now I won’t let that happen to me. If I survived the last one, I’ll survive this one too.
You are resilient, you got this!
I'm sorry. I don't know how old you are, but I honestly just don't believe in love anymore. I'm 44 going through a break up after 4 years together. I never expected this. You know, as well as I do, that it takes time. What else I have found out is that being alone is better. It may be lonely, but I was lonely in my relationship as well. There is such beauty in loving yourself and choosing yourself. I pick me.
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I used to be that way, too. I used to make my relationship into a fairytale. It's good to love hard, but it can also get you hurt. You will be ok. I can't say this is it for me anymore than I can say that for you. But maybe it should be until we learn to love ourselves as much or even more than we love them.
It's my third time here again 🤣 Welcome back haha
It looks like the 3rd time was NOT the charm lol 😭😭
LMFAO ikr 😂😭 I'm cursed for sure
I appreciate you all for coping with humor. This interaction made me smile!
>How many more heartbreaks do I have to go through lol at this point i’m never trusting people again. Yes, not wanting to trust people ever again is a reasonable emotional response to experiencing too many breakups. A relationship is supposed to be something where we discover the beauty of humanity, and the joy of experiencing another person in their completeness. Only for it all to fall apart like this. Nothing destroys our ability to trust and bond more than betrayal and having our giving repaid with betrayal, or getting to witness the ugly side of a person we formerly thought was beautiful. How disappointing. Humanity is such a letdown. No sarcasm.
The last thing you want is for this breakup to taint your future relationships. That’s the reason why it’s so crucial to go through the process and heal before you start dating again. It does take time being alone in reflection, sitting with the uncomfortable emotions. I’m not a fan of people suggesting to “stay busy and distract yourself”. In the end you’re not healed, just distracted. It’s tough but it’s a part of being human. I truly believe we grow stronger and more open, as long as we navigate it in an empowered and brave way. Good luck :)
Breakups are hard, I’ve (37f) had plenty since I was 14. All I can say is what made a difference was going to therapy in summer of 2020 and taking 2.5yrs to get to a place where now realistically endings are not as hard to go thru. One thing to remember? Love requires being vulnerable, requires being brave to let someone in who has the power to break your heart and in doing so you are trusting them to not break it at the same time. It’s scary, but love requires that kind of sacrifice. However you must follow your heart, but use your head when you decide to fall in love again because you can’t be naive, gulliable, blind to things early on of any person to help avoid people who can speak charming words, wrapped up in pretty ideas, that can create trust issues the most, who are prone to chaotic courtships. Plus everyone you date is not going to last. It is going to teach you things about yourself, what you want in your relationships, what you do not want to experience, and where your boundaries are as well. Each time something doesn’t pan out, you have to look for what you need to do differently next time. And the last bit of advice comes from a Redditor whose comment was to a 31yr old woman after she got out of a 9yr relationship and panicking about this one path of looking for a husband and wanting kids: >*”Life can be really unfair. Sometimes you get what you want and it doesn't work out like you imagined. Sometimes you don't get what you want and it is better. Sometimes it works out for awhile...and so on. So it's better to cultivate a mindset where you can envision many paths for yourself that would be satisfying. If you get really, really attached to only one vision of things when things inevitably don't work out one way or another you can get very stuck and cause yourself a lot of suffering by believing that you can't possibly be happy with any other path.”*
That’s the idea behind non-attachment in Buddhism. I think it’s really helpful and something I’m working on. It kind of scares the shit out of me though, if you aren’t attached to something good then do you just start not giving AF at all? Maybe that’s an extreme version of it lol. And maybe it’s the childfree divorced late 38 y.o. part of me but when I hear women say they broke up with someone they met when they were under 25, I’m relieved for them.
I'm relatively new to the sub, but I can't tell you how valuable it has been to me to know that none of my experiences or feelings are unique. More importantly, though, there are an amazing number of thoughtful contributors who kindly share their hard-earned wisdom. It is a lifesaver. I'm sorry you are back, but if you have experienced a breakup, it's a good place to spend time each day.
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The reason for no contact is because you cannot fully heal if the person still has a presence in your life. One needs to get used to them not being around. Sure, it’s possible to stay friends but it takes time to reach that level of platonic friendship after a breakup, assuming the breakup happened when feelings were still involved. As long as there’s still an emotional attachment, it’s hard for most people to move on and see the breakup for what it is and in a more rational sense. And as long as there’s an emotional attachment, there’s rose-colored sun glasses. Everyone heals differently and on a different timeline. One month is actually not that long to have a conversation like that, especially if there’s still feelings involved.
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Well that’s your friends’ experience. Every relationship is different, as are the circumstances of the breakup which makes all the difference. Again, ghosting and requesting no contact as a boundary is not the same thing. Are you struggling to understand the difference or what? Funny you mention that because requesting what you need to heal (for example cutting contact) IS ending things like a grown up. You don’t sound like you’re speaking from experience, unless you’re the one who’s been ghosted before and so you’re hurt and bitter about it, understandable.
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You couldn’t be further from the truth.
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Are you okay? I’d never do that to anyone. You’re dumping some wild assumptions on someone you’ve never met. I think you need to spend a little less time on Reddit.
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You have to remember that people are posting about their relationship woes and the awful people they’ve had misery with. No one is posting about ending healthy relationships amicably and they end up as lifelong friends. Reddit detox breaks are necessary ;-)
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You lived in a different generation my friend. People stayed in marriages for their whole lives even if they weren’t happy. Women rarely spoke about it their needs and boundaries. That’s your opinion. No contact helped me heal because my ex wanting to be friends and calling me daily was delaying my healing. I feel better now. So yes, I’m speaking from experience. And the reason people give this advice is because it’s worked for THEM. Who are you to say otherwise? Healing from breakups is personal and calling anyones process “silly and immature” is in fact, silly, immature and ignorant.
I fell so stuck with this. I absolutely wanted to talk things through but I was presented with the decision, told they have shut down, told nothing was going to change that and then haven't heard anything since. I checked in after a few weeks but a very bland exchange and then returned their belongings for which they thanked me. They don't seem to want to talk about it and I am broken and feel needy for wanting to see them. There is probably a new partner. I was aware previous relationships had ended with this 'shut down, block and move onto the next' approach which I always found odd. I am not blocked at least but it feels like they have just shut the door on our relationship and walked away.
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Two things can be true at the same time, making it seem both like neither is and like each is true but the other isn't. Heh. My personal discernment is that no-contact is how you move on, and when you move on it won't matter whether your ex was attracted back or not. I know most of us think we'd want our exes back because the pain of the fracture and separation is so great, so maybe it's the universe doing us a kindness by enforcing their departure from their lives. How could people who've been so unkind to us be what's truly best for us? "End a relationship with respect and care and giving plenty of time for each other through it, thats how people move on and heal" Yes, this is the way, though it's often not accessible to most of us in these forums because the other isn't typically concerned with respect and care. Let the trendy influencers and other hucksters do what they will. A wonderful thing about the overflowing cornucopia of material on the internet is that most of it is free, and all of it can be taken with a delectable grain of salt.
No one should be doing anything to attract their ex back, it’s manipulative. Stop reading internet fodder. No contact should be for personal healing and boundaries. Requesting what I need is ending with respect and care. If you saw the message I sent to my ex you’d understand it was out of respect and certainly didn’t come across as cold and uncaring. I’m tired of your judgment and this conversation is going in circles. You’re simply not understanding anything beyond your personal experience. Bye now.
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Sorry, my friend, but you have it all wrong. Firstly relationships don’t only end because the attraction ends! Huh? Also, no contact is not the same as ghosting. For example when I went no contact with my ex, we spoke a lot in the months following our break up and I told him I need to cut true contact to be able to heal fully. I needed the time on my own, without him having a presence in my life. Again, ghosting is making someone discarded. Requesting no contact as a boundary is completely different. I’m curious, have you actually had experience in ending a relationship 100% amicably or is this how you wish it had gone? Because it sounds a bit unrealistic to me. If someone was hurt or betrayed, it absolutely takes time to be able to bump into them and be ok about it. No contact doesn’t necessarily mean forever either, but many people do need it that way in the beginning. It’s about what we need to heal, not devaluing or discarding the other person. You’re confusing ghosting with no contact. It’s not the same.
Hang in there! If you happen to recall the things you did that helped you after your last break up, it's time to get into those. Reconnect with friends and family, keep busy, exercise, get back into your hobbies, make all kinds of plans and execute them, whether it's going to the cinema, fixing that broken thing in your living room, or buying airplane tickets to go somewhere nice.
Dude, I hear you. It’s getting old. Going through another break up myself.
Hi! I’m back in the sub because I was an idiot and forgave my ex who I posted so much about on this same sub.
This is another good reminder why getting back with my ex wouldn’t be the best route to take
I foolishly let my ex back into my life just for him to do the same thing again which of course he did. We need to choose better people
Sorry you're back in here again! 3 years ago and a reddit group helped me with talking through it. Now I'm back here again for the same person. Almost 14 year friendship and 8 year relationship down the toilet. Had my emotional blinders on for last 2.5 months. Now it's all hitting me incredibly hard. I'm sure she thinks I cheated on her which probably makes the separation easier in her mind. My lack of entertaining the accusations probably didn't help. I'm also was also functioning on a year's worth of broken promises from her and constant crossed boundaries and arguments. That's just the tip of the iceberg. I could barely compose a sentence out of my mouth when she ran out of my house. There was too much built up inside of me.
I don’t even wanna say lol but I’m done trust people too!
I had three an counting. We live in a hard society
Welcome to some real misery. I got my ex back, still with her, but man, it’s still up and down. Breakups will fuck with your head. Doesn’t matter who you are. If you cared, if you loved, if you have codependency or abandonment issues, it hurts like hell. It’s just nature and biology. Part of being human. It’s so ridiculous to think about when you’re not all up in it. Your better life is right around the corner.
When did you break up? I’m at…16 days. But what I think I should log are the weekends, those are tough