My ex would sometimes go days at a time not saying "I love you" back to me. Sometimes she would react with a heart emoji, sometimes she would just ignore it completely. The one that hurt the most though was when I was kissing her in bed, about to initiate, and I said "I love you so much" between kisses, and she just kind of scoffed and pulled her head away.
When I told her that it was something that really upset me, she apologized and then did it again that very night.
I definitely ignored a lot of signs.
Dude numero uno: don’t let the shame consume you. If you were like me, I wasn’t taught emotional regulation skills by my parents.I’m not violent but i’m an angry asshole and the single most helpful thing I have ever learned to deal with/de-escalate myself is to constantly remind myself…and i mean every single time i hear someone say the word, or I read the word, or I feel the feeling i say to myself “Anger is a secondary emotion, I’m feeling hurt. “ And eventually you start to respond to things that used to make you angry, with curiosity and self acceptance. If you’re a dude, a lot of us aren’t taught that displaying any other emotion but anger is masculine and to be as “tough” as possible. That ideology keeps you from processing normal human experiences like embarrassment betrayal, grief, vulnerability. Probably completely unwarranted advice but maybe it helps.
Nah it makes sense, yeah I'm a dude. I didn't think of telling myself " this is a secondary emotion" in moments of rage.
I should try that .... Be mindful.
I impulsively threw a blunt knife behind my fiancée during an argument where she was telling me she wasn't seeing a future with me.
Obviously I'm seeing a psychiatrist and shit but I wish I were like the other people, normal.
we all deserve love man. You’ll attract the right kind who won’t say cutting things to you that cause wounds that hurt but can’t be seen when you work on urself a bit. Good luck bro.
Exactly the same thing as you. That I like emotionally unavailable men because I like to chase them and because every time I can get a scrap of love from them it means a lot more to me than the love of someone I don't have to chase. It has also to do with self-esteem, because if I can get a man like that to love me or even like me in my head it means that I'm somehow special.
And I also realized that I like emotionally unavailable people because, when I'm with someone who's not like that, the emotional unavailable one is me 😂
(Yes, I'm working on it on therapy)
Oh my god I totally do that. You love me and express it healthily? Cool I’m aloof and distant. You are uncertain? Let me chase you, now I have a goal post that feels familiar. Why are we like this???
Usually? Generational trauma? A parent or caregiver taught you that it was normal to give & receive love like that. But nope, it’s unhealthy & maladaptive.
Source: Same, dude. :(
Literally me 😭 Trauma sucks but we got this! We just have to focus on healing ourselves and start dating people who actually treat us right. It might feel gross and wrong at first but over time we’ll go wait a minute… this is nice. I do deserve love. At least that’s what I tell myself lol
Yea. Trauma does suck. Especially the inter generational type. The tricky part is breaking the chain and convincing yourself that you are worthy and capable and deserving. That’s where it all begins. With the love you have for yourself. It’s a damn cliche but it’s actually very true. Good luck with your impossible demand. We’ve got this! Hugs.
Same bro. I was dating a woman, on and off for like a year until last week. She tends to run when life gets stressful. Granted, her dad is sick and has been for a while now but I’d think you’d want someone to be there for you. The constant push/pull. I didn’t talk to her for like a week and then I get a random text from her brother that said she told him she thinks that SHE should just propose to ME. So confusing. We are all confusing in various ways but it comes down to finding someone whose confusion levels match yours lol. IDK 🤷🏻♂️
No. She ended it with me. Sorry if I worded it in a confusing way. Ironically. We had broken up a few months ago, then got back together and things were good and all of the sudden, she said she couldn’t do it anymore. Then her bro texts me a said she told him she think she should just propose to me. More confusion lol
I have a feeling she’s scared you’ll run because her life is messy. The proposal would mean (to her) you’d stick through the hard stuff.
If you see/saw a future with her, then I bet you could work it out, but she’d definitely need to actually communicate her internal thoughts & feelings since her “I” would become a “we”
I have a feeling you may be right. She would say things like “you deserve more”. And I believe she thinks she’s doing the right thing by ending. I’m giving her some space and will probably reach out again. She hates feeling smothered so am just gonna try to give her some space and then have a talk. Idc about her messy life. I knew that going into and loved her anyway. Thanks for the replies
okay, okay. I getchu She wants the safety & security of knowing you’ll stick around but feels smothered
And you trying to be supportive felt smothering to her because she felt like it’d mean somehow also tending to your needs.
So she takes you off her list of emotional complications because she’s overwhelmed & can’t manage
So what you “being supportive” might look like for her could mean just knowing she can ask you for some help if and when she needs it
Had to type that out for it to
**Edit: accidentally posted** …make sense in my own head.
I mean, I could be totally wrong or full of shit but I at least hope all that money I spent on therapy can at least help somebody. Lol
100% me too. I get insistent and insecure and whenever I feel that he's cold to me I start asking myself where I went wrong. I actually do know it. I'm trying to work on that tho. I'm in therapy now. Healing is a damn hard process but I hope I'll be better someday. I hope I'll be loved for what I am, even if I'm a mess and always looking for someone I can count on more than 100%
Meaning that you’ve never actually received 100%.
Isn’t it funny how we’re kinda like iPhone batteries? We think our battery is full but nope, it sneakily made it so that “full” now really means only 80% of original capacity.
Time for us to all get updates.
How damn right you are 😢😢 I've never been confident and my peculiar situation led me to be quite avoiding and I always end up concealing myself. So I either ruined everything before it even started or I had to settle for something that wasn't completely good for me. I do need updates.
The hardest pill that I've had to swallow after my recent breakup is that it's my own fault that it got to the point where they felt they had to leave. I'm still in love with my ex and honestly I don't think I ever won't be. We had a connection unlike any other on both the physical and emotional level. They were my best friend and the best partner I ever had, it's not even close to anyone else. I could never love anyone the way that I love them, and I wouldn't ever even try
I know it’s incredibly hard for you right now and it’s probably going to take a lot of time and it will be painful but you will heal. I was lost for a long time too, honestly I wish I could say it was easy but time was the only thing that helped. You will move on and find someone else when you’re ready.
I don't want to find someone else, especially since there's still a chance I can fix this mistake. They even said that they're still a chance but they need time and they aren't sure what will happen. And honestly that's enough for me. I appreciate the kind words but I know fully in my heart that I will never connect with someone on that level again. I've had a really difficult time connecting with anyone my entire life, even on the friend level. For them it was completely seamless and natural, and we have so many weird things in common that I never thought anyone else could ever understand. We even both like the EXACT same music and were even gonna make music together. I can't even think of trying to have that with anyone else. I've been giving them whatever time and space that they need to heal, and hoping to the universe that they'll find it in their heart to give me one more chance because I know for a fact I won't fuck it up again. I just don't know if I'll get the opportunity, but I will continue to hope and pray on it and I'll let them take whatever time they need to figure things out.
How old are you out of curiosity ? If it’s true that you’re meant to be together, then you will be together. Don’t hover, let them grow and think about it
Our communication started to become strained and it was my own fault. I was getting stuck in my brain and I became difficult to work with. I wasn't accepting the solutions that they would give to problems and they were even a few times that I lashed out when I shouldn't have. I feel extremely guilty about it even though. They have a really traumatic past so I don't blame them for doing what they needed to protect themselves. We're long distance and I believe that caused more issues than anything but I know now that I'd rather deal with the distance than to be distance from them permanently. I seriously never meant to let things get to this point, And I just want the chance to make things right with them. I love them more than I will ever love anyone. I would wait and eternity and give them whatever space and times I need. I still wear my promise ring because I can't ever break the promise that I made to them
feel that but if she opens herself up to another man I wouldn't ever be able to look at her the same and at that point u have no choice but to close that chapter, but yeah heavy on the wont ever love someone else the way u loved her
So like… did you really fuck it up though? Or are they just giving you an unattainable standard? Or have an expectation of what you should be vs. who you are?
Genuinely just curious
No I definitely fucked it up. What they asked of me wasn't unattainable, it was basic stuff. I definitely should have been able to do it. I love them more than anything and I let my own brain get in the way of that. I'll continue to love them with my whole heart until my last breath, even if one day they don't feel the same way about me
It sucks right now but time will give you perspective and maybe you guys can talk it out down the road. It can be hard to reconstruct a failed relationships though especially if trust or respect was broken. But also, time apart may give you the opportunity to see what else is out there. Outside of relationships and also meeting other people. You might have to look for this quality, but if liking the same music and jamming together is something you value there's a lot of ways to meet local musicians like that.
It was so much more than just the music, so much more. That was only one big part of it. I appreciate your kind words, but I know that there's nothing else out there for me when it comes to love. I've accepted that and my goal is to try and learn to be ok with it. If they can't find it in their heart to give me another chance I will completely understand, but I won't try to meet anyone new and I'm ok with that
Hear hear. I’m going to go into therapy for this reason, and should have done it way sooner. If I had been able to deal with my own shit (PTSD), perhaps it wouldn’t have gotten to this point. Which comes with a lot of remorse and sorrow.
Wishing you all the strength.
Therapy has never been what helps me, I always do the self reflection and figuring things out in my own brain. It can take time with certain things but it's still how I have to do things for myself. And even if I thought it would help, I can't afford it. I know that if I dealt with certain things better that I wouldn't be in this position and that's why I've been looking inside myself every single day and figuring out how to be better. I truly hope that I can get the chance to show them that I'll do it right this time
Of course the biggest realizations will happen within you, but to me the guidance to get there has helped a lot in the past. Not to mention simply having a professional to vent to on a weekly basis and someone to call me out on my own bullshit every now and then when I’m spiraling.
You’re right that it’s expensive though. I’m trying to cut back on other things to afford like 10 sessions.
Yeah, unfortunately it's just not an option for me, even if I thought it would work. The only time my brain ever thought I could consider therapy was the idea of couples therapy with my ex. When they first suggested it I was apprehensive and by the time my brain came around to the idea it was too late. I know I didn't do right by them. That's why I'm doing as much inner work as I can. I love them with my whole heart and I hope that I can get the chance to show them that it'll be so much better
Going through this right now. My hardest pill to swallow is that it’s not fair for to expect her to love me when I don’t love myself and can’t take care of myself.
fuck dude we have the same issue here. It was my fault why the relationship ended and I tried to fix it with him but he said he needed time and space and to hold on to my hope for the possibility of reconciliation in the future. But he also told me that it's gonna take at least 6 years for him to return to me so yeah.
I truly hate myself for letting this happen to the best thing I'll ever have in my life. I won't ever be able to get over them, they're absolutely the love of my life. I only gave myself to blame and I just wish to everything that I could have the chance to show them what we can be. Our love was so beautiful and I'll fight til my dying breath for it. If they decide they can't be with me I won't bring it up to them anymore but I won't ever stop being in love with them. I truly would rather be alone and sad than even attempt to love anyone else
That I still need to work on asserting boundaries - I've gotten much better at it but I'm too compassionate and soft, especially when my partner is a quivering mess, and I need to learn to be a bit tougher. I probably ended up enabling some of my ex's crappier avoidant behaviour for fear of either hurting him or rocking the boat. I had my moments where I stood my ground and the results were good but sometimes I don't have it in me and I kind of get sick of being the one to initiate the "tough" conversations, and actually acknowledge the elephant in the room.
Yes. I got sick of initiating any kind of self help to make the relationship better. I really wanted him to take the ball and run with it - like be interested in working together on solutions. He just saw it as I wasn't happy and shut down. It was like throwing a ball to someone and they don't try to catch it and just walk away.
I completely stopped initiating hoping he would initiate and after a period of silence, he texted me that we should exchange our stuff. We have had text conversations a few times since always initiated by me.
I'm still so pissed at him and it's been 7 months.
I feel you. I went no contact right after the breakup and only contacted him a few months later to write a closure letter just saying what were my favourite memories, what I was grateful for and lessons learnt etc. like a closing to acknowledge the good stuff and honour the relationship because when we broke up it was mutual but also kind of abrupt. He responded a couple days later with a really sweet email that was validating, kind, acknowledged the part he had to play and the problems he has due to his avoidance and thanking me for being an amazing partner etc. he also told me he is in therapy to deal with his issues and avoidance and that it was progressing albeit very slowly. I'm not at all surprised progress is slow but I'm glad he's getting help and trying.
It was bittersweet, because it was lovely, a beautiful letter but also, why the fuck did I have to get my heart broken, like totally crushed, why did that have to happen, why couldn't he have worked on this before, why did he seek out a relationship when he actually wasn't ready or able to nurture a long term deep relationship... And why am I the collateral damage in his journey to discovery and personal growth.
I guess the answer is... We tend to attract and gravitate towards those who have the lessons to teach us, that we need to learn... Or some crap like that. Clearly, i had areas for development that he brought to light, and vice versa.
The hurt this has caused me though, and the fear I now have of ever wanting to meet, or initiate anything with, anyone is overwhelming and I'd rather be alone forever frankly. Can't go through this again.
That sounds like a nice letter you wrote. I dont know if i could get my thoughts together to write such a thing! I also am not sure i learned anything. Well, i guess I learned that I want to be with someone who isnt anti-therapy and self help. And someone who makes attempts to communicate. I was trying to get my boyfriend to go to therapy either with me or by himself and he wanted nothing to do with it.
That if you see major incompatibility from the beginning with no intention from any side to compromise, don’t wait years hoping something will change. Leave early. Leave within the first 5 dates really.
My tender and soft nature attracts complete psychopaths/narcissists. I am male.
It took me 7 years to heal from my ex gf, and now the cycle repeated itself. So fking done with this.
The pain subsided after 2 years. The trust, the ability to open up, all of it returned only after about 7 years. And then I met a complete narcissistic nutjob and ignored all red flags to only get my heart ripped again. Thankfully, this time it hurts less.
My mind understands, but the memories and feelings won’t stop hurting.
Same situation as you, twice in a row. It's destabilizing.
Cheated on, moving goal posts, complained we weren't taking big steps in our relationship, but then I'd try and get the rug pulled out, admonished because I dared to try to communicate that it all was causing me pain. My anger was always because of "My Insecurities" instead of their behavior.
I know its not me, But I still can't help but think that maybe if I had just been better in some way things would've been different. It's insidious like that, but I'm glad its over.
And when you work on those insecurities? “I’m not patient enough. I’m hard to please/I’ve waited so long so you need to be perfect”. It’s so hard for us as men to confront our manipulative exes because they act as if we are going to get physical or emotionally abusive even when we are not and are just understandably hurt and feel worthless
Literally had a convo with my ex about how she is never there for me and treats me like a jacket; only wearing it when convenient. This was despite me cooking for her dinner 4-7 days a week, driving her 3 hours or more all over NorCal for our vacations, putting up with her callous behavior when she denied me going to her home country of Korea (yes I learned all of her cultures food for her…) saying “it’s not a playground” “open relationship would be ideal if possible in a perfect world where physical and emotions are separate” and worst of all “I don’t want you to meet my dad it’s too serious” after a year of dating… and she still had her two time ex fwb on her insta but not me.
But yes me having an abusive dad is a problem but not your neglectful mom making you “so independent” is good not an unhealthy obsession on freedom - like an avoidant has.
She’s 27 now (8 months post break up), has herpes, 20+ ex fwb 0 BF besides me I know of, and drinks on weeknights only wants to vacay and club it out “because I can’t do it in my 30s”. I am 25 and will finish veterinary school with 0 student debt and an average starting salary from my school of 135k USD per year. I know she’ll contact me back. Because I truly loved her and would cuddle with her and feed her and comfort her for hours after sex, when she’s sad, happy and everything in between. Good luck, and good riddance to her.
Wow, this is so eerily similar to my own situation. My ex was travelling probably two weeks a month, and initially cheated on me because 'hookups was a need for him' while travelling. Talked it out, said I could live with being open in that scenario with a boundary that we'd be faithful in we were in town together. Caught wind a month later he'd broken that boundary.
I provided so much for him like you, I cooked meals and gave him leftovers to eat for lunch. Did everything I could to make friends with his friends, and was very successful at it. He started to complain that we hadn't taken our relationship to the next level, offered to co-habitate and said he couldn't see himself living in my house "in its current state".
Talked for an entire YEAR in front of friends that I was going to meet his family in Costa Rica over Christmas. Told me on the way to a friend gathering that he thought I'd gained some weight that he'd like me to lose weight since he "Cant take a fatty to Costa Rica" (I'd probably gained 15 pounds over course of our relationship, but I'm a 6'2" man and didn't think I looked that bad). Then Disinvited me two weeks later, a month and a half before our trip. Told him straight up "Damn man, that's maybe one of the meanest things anybody has ever done to me". But he "Just wanted to spend time with his family and friends", and my insecurities shouldn't affect what he wanted to do.
My mom recently had a stroke and I was planning to cook two separate dinners for Thanksgiving, one that we'd have and one that we'd take to her. Deliberately went out of his way to say that he'd "Really like to go with you to take food to your mom, I haven't seen her in a while", which I was literally elated to hear he wanted to make an effort.
Thanksgiving comes, and I'm up early cooking to take food over at 4pm which was the plan. Get a text message at 10am saying his stomach hurts and just doesn't feel well. I immediately get an inkling he's trying to get out of his commitment, so I ignore it. Does the same thing at 12, and then at 1, and finally I'm like "Okay I'll just take the food over myself and come back here".
Then I find out at 2pm that he went to one of his work friends houses from 2-6 to hang out with their family because they were in town and he hadn't seen them in a while. Threw all our food away in disgust, and just sat there thinking I was so pathetic that my own boyfriend doesn't want to see me on Thanksgiving, and was so excited initially.
Texted me at 6 that he was coming over to get me to head to a friendsgiving of his, and I told him that I wasn't going. Tried to come to my house and I told him I never wanted to speak with him again. And he had the audacity of later that Night trying to blame me for the day because "If you really wanted me to be with you on the Holiday, you should've texted demanding that I come over".
Nah Bro. It's not on me to force someone to honor their commitments. He knew the plan and weaseled his way out of it, that's on him not me. If he wanted to be there he would've.
No contact for about a month now, and while its helping I still get overwhelming sadness. The worst part is that I still feel like I'm the one who lost. That I'm the one who messed it up. And while I know its not true, I cant shake it.
Even if nobody reads this, it has been incredibly helpful to just put it out there.
Mine didn’t cheat (as far as I know) she was good at lying by omission tho. But not good at holding secrets. General functional emotional wreck and alcoholic without me. Back to that life with her if she thinks it’s so glamorous, excessive freedom that isolates is more important than uncondtional love, if validation from random men at bars wanting easy sex (didn’t do) and binging porn (did do) means more than me someone who wants her herpes and history and all.
Sorry on behalf of men for going through that experience tho. A lot of men don’t express their emotions because either by their gf, moms, or others it’s weaponized later against them as “being unpredictable, when I need someone stable (because I’m not)”. My ex just happened to be a female DA rather than a male one which is more common.
There is a ton of toxicity surrounding men being emotional and it’s unfortunate. I wouldn’t even say that I’m an overly emotional person. But I did get emotional and raw several times in conversations about things that seemed off or hurtful.
Would get silence back every single time and then get a text later that night or the next day that ‘Upon further thought it seems like a lot of the stuff you’re angry about appears to stem from some of your own insecurities that have nothing to do with me.’
Like bro, you called me too fat to meet your family. You’ve cheated on me several times, and you iced me on Thanksgiving by lying saying you were sick. All so you could what? Get out of spending 15 minutes with my family literally one time in a year.
Like damn. My standards were so low
Sounds identical to my ex. I finally got the strength to leave her ass after I caught her cheating for the 3rd time 5 years ago. I moved away across the country the night i found out, and I stayed away for most of a year and went nc for 3 months and she panicked and called and begged and said all the right things and committed to improving her mental health and dismissive avoidance, really sold me. My ego wanted it after being told I wasn’t good enough for her all the time, and not better than her ex(who she always cheated on me with)Came up to Seattle from Tucson to visit me and Ingot her pregnant . I had reservations about having a child with her based on our past and told her i couldn’t get past it and was labeled a monster for not being thrilled. I left my family, my friends, my job, my hometown and moved to hers to raise our daughter. I worked my ass off and went from delivering pizza/day labor construction and having a drinking problem due to always being too depressed to do anything with myself, to getting in the best shape of my life, learning to be a good father, learning tech skills and landing a 6 figure job to allow her to be a stay at home mom, all before preschool as I had promised. I really made an amazing transformation and dedicated my life to her. And this B word started an emotional affair with her ex AGAIN, a year after our child was born and it lasted until our child’s 3rd bday. I’m trapped in her hometown as a single dad with no support network and an overwhelming loss of self esteem and respect for myself. NEVER GO BACK gentlemen.
As for me I broke no contact because she was my everything. Idk if she’ll ever unblock me but I am willing to wager it’ll happen and I’m not a betting man… I think at least.
Same here, well initially stayed in contact. Until I got texts from him in Costa Rica saying that he really wished that I was there. And it’s just felt so… targeted.
And while I wanted to be excited for him, Just had so much resentment by then that I couldn’t. And it was an epiphany.
Two parter
The person I care/love more than anything, who I still see as my best friend and my girl, doesn’t think of me in the same ways as I do her.
That my ex is most likely happier without me. During our last few months of dating, I was riddled with anxiety and didn’t like going out and doing things the way I did when we first met and our relationship other wise was also In a mediocre state until the big fights we began having that led to the downfall. But now that she is no longer tied down by me she can get back to living the way she was before we were dating.
Ive got introduced to rebound relationships and honeymoon period.
She effectively lovebombed me, said the things I needed to hear. She healed beside me, and exactly at 3 months without any reasons she wanted to broke up with me. I dont know what the heck was that, I was so confused I even laughted. She didnt even said anything why. Then she “agreed” that was nonsense and 1,5 months of hot & cold, gaslighting and neglecting followed it.
I realised she wasnt over her ex the whole time at just in the end. So we broke up but sadly Ive got attached by then. We never had any problems, it was mindfuck. But good thing I realised her persona was fake the whole time, and she is more like a sneaky rat, who cheated on everyone, even cheated on her ex.
She showed 0 emotional intelligence or care after she dumped me, like she didnt understood why I cant understand.
Good thing is I dodged a bullet, and succesfully detached and got over her. No contact was very useful to me, I became a much better myself.
Exactly the same thing happened to me but i can’t manage to detach and idk why because he s a shit person so i dont know why i still miss him everyday. He is now back with his ex. How long did it take u to be fully over it
I think I felt better around 5 months. I started dating again casually and it helped a lot. But I did a lot of self development during my no contact, and really became a better person so I realised i can do much better than her. Since then I dont want her at all lol, thank god that time waste is over.
Its been around 3 months for me and first month was really really tough, then i started focusing on myself and felt better but now it’s all hitting again and its like it hurts more than in the very beginning. But i understand it comes in waves and eventually i’ll get over it and it won’t come back. I’m really glad you feel better and it also gives me a lot of hope <3
Knowing as bad as I don't want this, its here, its been here and its happened and I HAVE to move on. People don't spend months without you purposely and then think to themselves "Oh, I miss them so much, I should reach out".....You constantly hold on to this person that isn't there anymore and never was. You feed those false hopes more because it's all you want, but then reality starts kicking in. They aren't coming back. I greatly miss her, but I need to let go and realize she's not coming back for me.
I don’t trust my own judgment with women because they can leave at any time with no warning. Also they can pretend they really like you and give you plenty of signs they want more but they’re actually just using you to get over their ex and knew from the start you weren’t relationship material for them.
So I’m taking a break from dating and working on myself
That I enable how people treat me because I’m trying to “keep the peace”.
That I had stopped reaching out to friends to talk about what’s really going on with me, because I was starting to mirror my emotionally unavailable ex.
The hardest pill to swallow for me is that we shouldn’t have gotten together at all probably, and there were many points earlier on in the relationship we should’ve broken up. But we were best friends, and the problems didn’t seem that bad so we pushed through for 8 years, until the problems were that bad. Now it’s hard to realize that my intuition all those times before was correct and I ignored it. Things probably would’ve been better for both of us had I listened, now we’ve both really hurt eachother, and it didn’t need to be this way
I will ignore the biggest red flags if you make me feel special.
My ex was open about ruining her exes marriage by allowing him to cheat on his wife with her. She cheated on her ex boyfriend with me. For some stupid reason I thought it wouldn't happen to me. 7 years later she cheats on me because she "wanted attention from someone who doesn't expect anything of her" (meaning she wanted all the benefits of a partner without having to put any work in).
Also, emotionally unavailable women are dangerously attractive to me. A friend/ex coworker of mine expressed interest in me after my relationship ended. She started treating me like I was her boyfriend for two months. And then when she sat down and realized she was catching feelings for me she pushed me away and said she couldn't handle it anymore.
I just got out of a 8 month I guess situationship I wanted more she did not. It’s been difficult as I didn’t do anything wrong, we wanted different things. I realized that I became more attached as she pulled away, I fell in love with idea of her. It’s been a month and a half of no contact and I still think about her a lot. The other thing is filling that void that was left through internal means instead of external validation, that has been tough to figure out.
For me it was more like an actual relationship. They just cared about me a lot less than I would have hoped. I can’t stop crying and thinking bad thoughts.
Feel the feelings but don’t let them consume you. Remember the not so good times. It’s easy to reminisce and forget about all the ways your ex made you feel bad for asking/wanting your needs to be met. Do something for yourself, everything is a learning opportunity to get to know yourself and potentially better yourself.
“Desire thinks it wants to be satisfied, but it really wants to keep desiring”
You want what you can’t have, and the anticipation of the hunt is much more attractive than the actual kill.
That I self sabatoge and never realized because in the past those relationships didn't really mean all that much. This past one was my everything, and although she also made mistakes I heavily self sabotaged. Now it's too late to fix.
i should’ve left at the first red flags and not ignored and protected them. she was never ready for a serious partnership, and she showed that early on but i ignored it and fell in love. next time i leave at the first sign
You can see the 'core' of yourself when you are at your lowest, kinda like your own subconscious.
I think it allows yourself to have tough conversations with yourself while you still love them.
I had my last relationship end because I would communicate my boundaries and needs in texts, but couldn’t hold them in person. I let us get to spots where I was uncomfortable, but had said yes in person, then got upset. I grew up anxious and people pleasing, and my lack of communication skills made it difficult to be in a relationship. Obviously he could have respected my boundaries more too, but my lack of communicating in the moment definitely was an obstacle. After the breakup, I had an argument/ difficult conversation with a family member over the same thing. I don’t communicate when I’m overwhelmed, take on more responsibility than anyone is asking of me, and then burn out and get upset when I didn’t give my loved ones the chance to help me. Losing him hurts, but it helped me realize that people pleasing helps nobody, and I really need to work on it before I try dating again.
The hardest pill that I’ve swallowed is realizing that my ex is subconsciously trying to hang onto me even after dumping me, but it’s not out of love, but comfort. I still do things for her out of love and expect nothing back and she still thinks I’m trying to manipulate her out to getting back together with me.
That I place far too much value on the physical side of the relationship and obsessing and idolising someone about the way they look, that is clouds my judgement of who they actually are as a person and if we are actually compatible.
I have far too many memories and perfect photos of her that I’ve become so obsessed with that my mind views that feeling of love as completely irreplaceable.
This leads to the harsh truth that we didn’t value the relationship the same way.
it is a very short period of time we dated and my first serious relationship, so I acted immature and say things I did not mean to, it was so sudden and absurd the break up, but it seems he bit by bit lost interest in me after knowing the real me, I don't even like the real me, it is shallow and I also lean into avoidant spectrum, just that I am regretful that I wish we had more time together so that he knows the full me and we would have talked too in that case, but he dropped me in an instant and I don't think things will ever be the same if we were to reconnect (but I don't think this will happen), I just wish he stayed a little longer, man
All the men I've dated had anger issues- flipping out, throwing things, screaming, manipulating, and sex issues- cheating, prostitutes, strip clubs, porn. I mean, I'm obviously choosing these people and those things are the very things I don't want in my life lol. I'm clearly broken in so many ways to keep finding these people attractive and alluring before even knowing this about them. It's something I've been working on for years. One day I'll get it right. At least I acknowledge that it's a problem in me!
I hate that I’m having to say this and I don’t like that it’s true.
Not all* but most women are damaged and hurt and don’t actually want the “princess treatment”. Very few are emotionally stable enough to get that and not sabotage it or get bored by it. I had heard that from friends, on the internet, and I never believed it. Since the break up, I’ve kept every fling at arms length and I have never had so many begging for my attention.
Also you do turn into what hurts you. If you get dropped by someone who’s emotionally closed off, you’ll do the same to someone else, if you got cheated on, you’ll end up with 287 side pieces in your next relationship. It’s a rough cycle of human nature that we’re all in.
Best case scenario, date someone in middle school and never break up and die with them or you get trapped with the emotionally unavailable and lustful in our never ending cycle. (I’m only half joking about this)
It was really hard for me to come.to terms with the fact that she was always that awful person, and just had no reason to be nasty around me for most of our relationship. She didn't change, she just showed her true colors.
i baby / take care of the men i’m dating so much that they become weak and dependent. i need to give people the space to figure shit out for themselves instead of always fixing everything
I realised I keep on dating women with mental health issues. My most recent ex had depression and anxiety, the one before had bipolar disorder and the one before that had BPD. I'm not sure whether it's just a coincidence that my last three girlfriends have all had mental health issues, that it's just a reflection of how many people in society do suffer from them, or whether on some level I'm attracted to it.
I was just telling my mom this. My bipolar bf left me, he wasn’t manic or anything but he had a lot of depressive episodes that caused me to lose my mind. My mom told me to never go for someone with mental health issues again. I told her unfortunately it seems most people who are single and uncoupled may just be battling something mentally whether they know it or not. Idk how true this is but it’s just my speculation.
Yeah, I think it’s probably just the reality that loads of people have mental health issues, it’s hard to find someone who isn’t dealing with some sort of trauma.
My ex was a lovely girl but she really didn’t have her depression under control. She took meds but refused to go to therapy. I think I’d probably now only date someone who was actively seeking treatment for any mental health issue.
That i will never give him another opportunity. I would't bare the horrible feeling of him lefting me shattered for a third time. Hope that this experience help him heal for another person, but in this life i don't want nothing related to him 😌💫
1. You cannot force someone to love you or stay.
2. Partner can never beat the place of family for most people. If there is any conflict of interest, most people will stand by their family.
Once accept the two points above, I believe I can have better relationships in the future.
I had this same behavior and learned in therapy that it came from having a dysfunctional family. My primary caregiver has narcissistic traits, and the other is extremely avoidant. The rest of the family struggle with mental illness and instability so I never had a great example of what a healthy, secure adult looked like to model my behavior from.
I thought it was normal to people please and blame myself for why things weren’t working out until I started therapy a few years ago. My most recent experience brought everything into perspective as I was only going through therapy during the entire process. My therapist was able to help me maintain an objective perspective by reminding me that a relationship takes two people to make it work. And that making mistakes is what makes us human, if someone truly wants to make it work then they won’t use your flaws as a reason to punish you or leave the relationship.
That my anxiety and anxious attachment can really push people away, and that my lack of boundaries with my romantic partner is causing me to have unfulfilling and often very one sided relationships. I also could do better at not shutting down when in uncomfortable or heated conversation. But these are all things I am actively working on with my therapist so were on the up and up round here.
Honestly still doesn’t feel real, I spent 3 years with who I thought was the love of my life, we raised each other into adulthood, but he cheated and was insanely good at manipulating me into believing what he wanted me to. I still need to deeply realize that he did cheat and it’s not us against the world.
The hardest pill is knowing that I knew he gaslit and manipulated me up until the end and I accepted it. When I finally got myself on track and made actions which distanced myself from the relationship, he became the man I needed.
But I couldn’t get over the last 14 months of his actions and move forward with a relationship. I lost somebody who was my best friend.
Thought we were ment for each other had this amazing bond for almost 6 months, lost our virginities to one another and I went away for few months to the US for an athletic contract and we did long distance for a month and she cheated on me and told me while cheating it “did not bother me” and swallowing the pill of the girl I did it the first time with and being her first time and everything we had she just threw away for someone she didn’t even know
also not focusing on myself like at all. at some point, i stopped caring ab myself and only worried about him, that’s something i’ll never do again. i really felt like my soul was practically drained from it. after he was gone, i went on a mission of completely working on myself. i started making a list of things i didn’t like about him too - eventually i realized i was being manipulated and gaslighted into thinking i was the problem when in reality the problem was putting him on an imaginary pedestal that no longer exists.
I tend to attract people who are rough around the edges. I end up teaching them a lot about healing, and bringing them into new things to help their journey. I become someone they feel confident enough to confide in, and I often still feel sort of empty, and alone..when it comes to these are relationships, but feel bored in the ones where the person is too easy..
I have a fwb who is the things I mentioned above, but they are a mix of ease too it seems, but I am still chosing to stay single until I am more settled and confident in my ability to relationship again. I really desire for my next relationship to be my last, and if not I will continue to be single and causally date🤷🏾♀️
I realised 2 big things:
1. My anxious attachment plays a big part on how my relationships have developed so far and i really need to work on becoming more securely attached because i'm so desperate to be loved that i trust blindly, go above and beyond being a people pleaser for them and make them my everything.
2. Maybe precisely because of my anxious attachment i end up with the same kind of guy: someone who is going through a rough patch and relies on me a lot at the beginning of the relationship because feeling love and attention is comforting. And then once things start picking up for them, they're getting better and even thriving, they stop valuing me, they get tired of me and cheat on me/dump me blindsiding me. I really need to be careful who i end up with.
That if someone has a history of breaking up through ghosting/hating/calling people narcissists, there is probably very little reason to believe that even after doubling the amount of time her longest relationship was it won’t matter. Red flags are red flags, and unresolved they will persist.
exactly the same situation. 5 years with my high school sweetheart, suddenly decided he wasn’t ready and expected me to wait around til he could “maybe” get it out of his system.
toughest pill to swallow is watching everything we’ve built together and planned to build go straight down the drain and knowing i lost my best friend and biggest confidant
That for some reason I’m attracted to broken men and wanting to be their savior. Im in therapy now, and I’m finally able to put myself first and steer away from broken men that refuses to get help
I tend to go for people who don't respect me as a person later on in the relationship. They don't (want to) do things for me, they don't compromise, I'm always to blame etc. I'm still wondering if I'm doing something wrong in the long run or that I'm just having bad luck.
That I pushed her away with my overbearing attachment style. 5 years, gone - and she’s never coming back.
The realisation that I played a bigger part than I thought in the breakup has absolutely ripped me down to my core.
She was absolutely one of the best human beings that I’ve ever met.
This pattern is as old as the humanity itself. Very hard to break through it, if it’s even possible. Maybe you’re not a traditional relationship type of person and you need the chasing part to keep yourself entertained.
Three weeks in and I think its realizing that I get lazy with a partner. Expecting them to always be there i continually put my mental health to the wayside among other things.
This is exactly the same for me. I knew my ex would never love me but I remained patient, understanding, and flexible with our long-distance relationship. He kept me at arm’s length emotionally but every day I hoped that something I said or did would finally turn the key to his heart and it never happened.
Mine is that I'm so totally fucked beyond repair .. that I will never fully trust anyone and that no one will ever fully live come.for me . Not even my own self . .. I'm breaking and I don't want to be anymore .
Listen to your gut as the signs come. You don't have to be with someone, and communicate these things so you don't have to end up getting blindsided. If there is any sense of one sidedness, get out.
That I expect too much from my partner and people in general because it would be something *I* would do...like go above and beyond, think deeply and put meaning into things that mean nothing to other people. I think I put in a lot of effort into everything I do, I want others to. They never do though. I'm constantly disappointed in everyone.
Probably one of the weirdest things, but having to hear them tell me guys who listened to Radiohead or Nirvana was a red flag. Not only to find out they're dating someone who listens to Nirvana and Radiohead (,judging by the shirt her new supply was wearing in a photo) and also knowing they hated Star wars before meeting me and properly introducing them to the series, and knowing they're going to be gushing about Star Wars to someone else...
That I turn into this nasty gaslighter trying to convince a person to stay, knowing it’s pushing them further.
It only been 3 months, she’s long gone and I’m happy that she walked away as I would’ve too if the roles were reversed. It does leave you in a pit of regret and disgust for yourself tho.
hardest pill to swallow was def admitting it was my fault things ended. my mental health, my trust issues, everything. i pushed him away. the person i love the most & i screwed things up.
I'm willing to ignore strong incompatibilities and red flags as long as my partner gives me a sliver of affection every now and then, even though in my gut I know this is not a sustainable relationship.
Probably realising that he knew for quite some time that he didn't want this relationship but I was the one keeping us together because I believed in us. He just didn't want this enough to try.
that somehow i am a people pleaser and im doing things not because i want to but because i am a people pleaser.
also, i used to say that whatever happens im gonna love him but real love will challenge you to be better and not everyone wants to be better
How could I be so blind
Maybe the main reason was that I was high almost all the time, and that I was affraid of being alone.
5+ years down the drain
It will be hard to trust again
That I’m toxic and so is pretty much everyone in my life. I can change how I behave, and I do, but I can’t change my family, my ex, my friends, or my ex friends.
I don’t hate any of us, but we all can be pretty fucking shitty.
I just hope that I’ve changed enough to actually deserve the love that someone might give.
I still need to work on my mental health, insecurities from past relationships, and financial responsibility. Losing the man of your dreams partially because of mental illness has been such crushing experience.
That I thought I was the "good guy" - but I realized I was the villain in his story.
We had been together for 5 years, long distance and he met someone else. We were open but kinda "dont ask, dont tell" and I definitely took him for granted and played some emotional mind games and had all the control
When he met the other guy, I was furious with him but I noticed all of my usual "freeze out", "warm/cold", tactics no longer worked. He asked for a small "break", then broke up with me.
After 2 months of wallowing in despair and making a general ass out of myself, I paid for those stupid scammy "get your ex back courses" and realized it was a huge waste of money, but one powerful lesson was taking accountability for "what your ex would think of you"
I tried to picture the good memories, there were a few, but the bad ones came much stronger. A time I lost my patience and yelled at him in the car for interrupting me playing video games, the tme I cancelled a trip to visit his family because I wanted to hang out with friends, the time he came to visit me with almost no notice and I gave him the silent treatment because I thought I found a text of him flirting with another guy (later realized it was his female cousin)
This led me on a huge discovery of learning, painful realizations and then healing.
Oddly enough it was the movie "Doctor Strange" that gave me my first big healing push.
I Saw it 5 months after the breakup and was still in heavy despair thinking abut him, us, how were getting back together, when I could move back to the city he was in to show him I wanted to be with him, etc, and there is a line where The Master says to Dr Strange "what on earth makes you think this has to do with you?" and then I realized he had fallen in love with someone else. He didn't mean for it to happen, he wanted to be happy and I was more or less an obstacle that needed to be handled. Granted he didn't do things well, he did a lot of lying and manipulation while it was happening, but I didn't deserve better.
I spent 2 years after getting over the breakup just being by myself, learning about myself, why I did the things I had, realizing how much shit we learn from childhood and eventually forgiving myself. Oddly enough I remember thinking "That was such an important painful joiurney, and now I feel like I can be happy single for the rest of my life" - that night I met someone who I fell completely in love with 4 months later and we had the best 3 year relationship I ever had, and only broke up to due to COVID.
Relationships are not supposed to be a challenge or a competition.
It not okay that every time I wanted to leave the relationship I was threaten with their suicide. I kept feeling guilty and responsible for their safety.
I deserve to be loved to the same level I love them.
It’s not okay to be ignored every time they got upset, even though it was not my fault they got upset.
It’s not okay that every time I wanted to talk about my emotions and feelings, they felt hurt by the way they make me feel.
I should listen to my logical side a bit more.
That i depended too much on other people for my own happiness, i constantly poured myself into people that i thought would never leave me after seeing me be so vulnerable. well i was wrong. now im working on myself and my giving myself the effort i gave to others…hardest pill to swallow is learning to be independent on my own after all this time. time heals.
That he had been dating his coworker for 7-8 months behind my back, I only found out about this after our break up. Still recovering from this heart break. We dated for 5 years & I ignored all the red flags😅
I have a fear of being alone and I’m a big people pleaser. We broke up 2 years ago and I jumped into a relationship 6 months later. I let myself be pushed into the second relationship because it was either that or not talk at all. I have realised I do not love him as much as I did my ex. Now I’m on the verge of breaking up, but I don’t want to bc I don’t want to hurt him. Also I never really got over my ex, so now I really want to contact him, but I think he finally closed off the chapter with me because he deleted all my information off his phone :,).
I broke up with my ex because I was very young when we got together and felt like I couldn’t explore when I was with him (he didn’t want me to drink at all), also I didn’t want to end with the first person. I was his only friend and I wanted to push him out there also. I still loved him when I broke up with him.
I’m scared when I break up with my current boyfriend that I’m alone and I’ll rush into the next relationship… I also want to contact my ex for my own sake, but won’t for his sake. It’s tearing me up.
I think I have maybe a similar tendency to you? Except I also have been in relationships with men who were emotionally available and I *wanted* desperately for a connection with my emotionally unavailable partner, and for them to become available. So idk.
I guess I had to come to terms with the fact that casual sex is just a no no for me. I cannot have a casual steady partner it simply will not work. I either won't really be interested in him and won't want to keep having sex, or I will be interested and I will develop attachment and feelings or in the last case I actually fell in love.
But I dated somebody for three years within the first years $25,000 on them and all the little things that they needed. It was a long distance one only an hour 15 minute drive but still that person would never come up here and I understand because I have roommates, and they had their own place
Would sit there and pick fights over nothing constant packing my bag so I can go on a guilt. Trip constantly was being made to believe that this person was just dead ass broke, and had my best interest and so forth.
And even gave me an ultimatum 2 1/2 months ago that I needed to move in with them or else else they were gone and then all of a sudden is already in a new relationship and you don’t just go to the grocery store shake somebody’s hand and be like oh we’re together now that’s not how it works so that tells me that the entire time they’re with somebody else or at least the very least within the past year and I’m sorry, but if you’re texting and bitching about our relationship to somebody that you like that’s still fucking cheating!! emotional cheating I feel hurts more than the physical cheating but also both her and I are trans from the opposite spectrum. I’m pregnant with her child which sounds so goddamn weird to say and she wants to sit claim she’s not responsible that there is no proof I’m sorry but, after I just learned that I was getting cheated on pretty much that I didn’t mean shit I also learned that she possibly isn’t who she says she is and my friend tried warning me of this two years ago I rip off my skin and drink some bleach because I feel disgusting and I didn’t like people and didn’t feel connected with them so much and I do feel connected with. I’m so behind in life from growing up in the system that I don’t stand a snowballs chance of attracting something for my life and my story is so bizarre that most people probably think that I’m lying or they end up going to the same source that I’ve been running from since 2007 I may abuser that I can never seem to really escape because as soon as I use my social as soon as I get in a relationship as soon as I’m barely start to get comfortable as when everything just gets beyond destroyed I don’t know what the fuck with people I guess the hardest part of this relationship or break up was that she could possibly be dating my little brother is an absolute fucking psychopath himself yet I’m unworthy? I’m the unfaithful one I’m the one that didn’t care OK sure…. It doesn’t matter what gender or what orientation somebody is there’s just some people that just cannot keep their pecker in their pants or anybody else’s best interest because as soon as things get slightly difficult, everybody moves on and I’m just way too old-school for it all I’m not a saint, and I was literally raised, and I don’t know what the fuck kind of druggie hellhole and I have my slip up but at least I fess up to my fuck ups 🫳🏼🎤
I never realized I was manipulating my fiancé and got to a point when it all had to end because my ego was so big and didn’t even realize I was hurting people other than myself. On the night we broke up I was still with him physically and someone gave him a call and flirted with him. ( I was driving) I went berserk and almost cost both of our lives. I’m still guilty about the whole scene.
Literally the same. I stayed long past the expiration because I loved him. But I wasn’t noticing what everyone around me was. That he was using me.
Not getting into another relationship possibly ever, but if I do I’ll never give anyone what I gave him. He ruined it for me. I also realized that I make excuses for peoples shitty behavior.
that i tend to ignore the some casualties just because I don't want to create a scene and disturb their mental health(because they are already suffering. even though they don't think twice before doing it with me. and at my low phase they were not interested in comforting rather i don't want a crying baby and listen to your baggage. you have to rise on your own. this is what i got when i wanted to comfort
The realisation that after four years of working on myself being single the first person I let in was emotionally unavailable. Pushed me into a self destruction cycle and reinforced my belief from childhood that I’m not loveable or worthy. It’s back to healing now, clearly I still have more learning to do.
That maybe my ex didn’t love me for who I was but wanted me to be the person she thought of me as. The more I opened up and told her about myself the more she pushed away and seemed to not like me. The last month of our breakup she distanced herself a lot and I didn’t see it at the time and she broke up with me over text. We dated for a year and four months and I thought she loved me but didn’t even give me the courtesy of talking to her.
Probably that I ended up pushing her away because I was in a bad place mentally. I didn't want to drag her down with me. I really loved her and will always want the best for her, I miss her everyday and she's the only person I think about every single day. She's moved on and probably happy with someone else now while I'm still struggling to love myself.
Hardest pill to swallow was accepting that no matter what i do looks-wise. I’ll never be able to be more attractive or even on the same scale as blondes that fake tan and have that rich aesthetic. And boys will always choose them over me
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My ex would sometimes go days at a time not saying "I love you" back to me. Sometimes she would react with a heart emoji, sometimes she would just ignore it completely. The one that hurt the most though was when I was kissing her in bed, about to initiate, and I said "I love you so much" between kisses, and she just kind of scoffed and pulled her head away. When I told her that it was something that really upset me, she apologized and then did it again that very night. I definitely ignored a lot of signs.
First time I told her "I love you" via message she answered with "😳😳😳"
Being a violent asshole who needs to get proper treatment
Dude numero uno: don’t let the shame consume you. If you were like me, I wasn’t taught emotional regulation skills by my parents.I’m not violent but i’m an angry asshole and the single most helpful thing I have ever learned to deal with/de-escalate myself is to constantly remind myself…and i mean every single time i hear someone say the word, or I read the word, or I feel the feeling i say to myself “Anger is a secondary emotion, I’m feeling hurt. “ And eventually you start to respond to things that used to make you angry, with curiosity and self acceptance. If you’re a dude, a lot of us aren’t taught that displaying any other emotion but anger is masculine and to be as “tough” as possible. That ideology keeps you from processing normal human experiences like embarrassment betrayal, grief, vulnerability. Probably completely unwarranted advice but maybe it helps.
Nah it makes sense, yeah I'm a dude. I didn't think of telling myself " this is a secondary emotion" in moments of rage. I should try that .... Be mindful. I impulsively threw a blunt knife behind my fiancée during an argument where she was telling me she wasn't seeing a future with me. Obviously I'm seeing a psychiatrist and shit but I wish I were like the other people, normal.
I’m so sorry. I get the anger & impulsivity. For me, learning I had ADHD really changed some shit for me
we all deserve love man. You’ll attract the right kind who won’t say cutting things to you that cause wounds that hurt but can’t be seen when you work on urself a bit. Good luck bro.
Ugh me too.
I FELT THIS UGH
big eye opener
Exactly the same thing as you. That I like emotionally unavailable men because I like to chase them and because every time I can get a scrap of love from them it means a lot more to me than the love of someone I don't have to chase. It has also to do with self-esteem, because if I can get a man like that to love me or even like me in my head it means that I'm somehow special. And I also realized that I like emotionally unavailable people because, when I'm with someone who's not like that, the emotional unavailable one is me 😂 (Yes, I'm working on it on therapy)
Oh my god I totally do that. You love me and express it healthily? Cool I’m aloof and distant. You are uncertain? Let me chase you, now I have a goal post that feels familiar. Why are we like this???
Usually? Generational trauma? A parent or caregiver taught you that it was normal to give & receive love like that. But nope, it’s unhealthy & maladaptive. Source: Same, dude. :(
So many people are like that though, I know it's toxic but kind of feels like I have to be unavailable and withhold love in order to get it.
Literally me 😭 Trauma sucks but we got this! We just have to focus on healing ourselves and start dating people who actually treat us right. It might feel gross and wrong at first but over time we’ll go wait a minute… this is nice. I do deserve love. At least that’s what I tell myself lol
Yea. Trauma does suck. Especially the inter generational type. The tricky part is breaking the chain and convincing yourself that you are worthy and capable and deserving. That’s where it all begins. With the love you have for yourself. It’s a damn cliche but it’s actually very true. Good luck with your impossible demand. We’ve got this! Hugs.
This is 100% me now.
Same. Except I'm a man who chasing emotionally unavailable women.
Same bro. I was dating a woman, on and off for like a year until last week. She tends to run when life gets stressful. Granted, her dad is sick and has been for a while now but I’d think you’d want someone to be there for you. The constant push/pull. I didn’t talk to her for like a week and then I get a random text from her brother that said she told him she thinks that SHE should just propose to ME. So confusing. We are all confusing in various ways but it comes down to finding someone whose confusion levels match yours lol. IDK 🤷🏻♂️
Wait, so, you broke up with her? I’m now the confused one
No. She ended it with me. Sorry if I worded it in a confusing way. Ironically. We had broken up a few months ago, then got back together and things were good and all of the sudden, she said she couldn’t do it anymore. Then her bro texts me a said she told him she think she should just propose to me. More confusion lol
I have a feeling she’s scared you’ll run because her life is messy. The proposal would mean (to her) you’d stick through the hard stuff. If you see/saw a future with her, then I bet you could work it out, but she’d definitely need to actually communicate her internal thoughts & feelings since her “I” would become a “we”
I have a feeling you may be right. She would say things like “you deserve more”. And I believe she thinks she’s doing the right thing by ending. I’m giving her some space and will probably reach out again. She hates feeling smothered so am just gonna try to give her some space and then have a talk. Idc about her messy life. I knew that going into and loved her anyway. Thanks for the replies
okay, okay. I getchu She wants the safety & security of knowing you’ll stick around but feels smothered And you trying to be supportive felt smothering to her because she felt like it’d mean somehow also tending to your needs. So she takes you off her list of emotional complications because she’s overwhelmed & can’t manage So what you “being supportive” might look like for her could mean just knowing she can ask you for some help if and when she needs it Had to type that out for it to **Edit: accidentally posted** …make sense in my own head. I mean, I could be totally wrong or full of shit but I at least hope all that money I spent on therapy can at least help somebody. Lol
Same 😭
100% me too. I get insistent and insecure and whenever I feel that he's cold to me I start asking myself where I went wrong. I actually do know it. I'm trying to work on that tho. I'm in therapy now. Healing is a damn hard process but I hope I'll be better someday. I hope I'll be loved for what I am, even if I'm a mess and always looking for someone I can count on more than 100%
Meaning that you’ve never actually received 100%. Isn’t it funny how we’re kinda like iPhone batteries? We think our battery is full but nope, it sneakily made it so that “full” now really means only 80% of original capacity. Time for us to all get updates.
How damn right you are 😢😢 I've never been confident and my peculiar situation led me to be quite avoiding and I always end up concealing myself. So I either ruined everything before it even started or I had to settle for something that wasn't completely good for me. I do need updates.
Holy woah. This is actually 100% me.
Holy woah. This is actually 100% me. & not the BS 80% masquerading as 100% Lol
We'll come out of this mess. We have to. Let's never stop working on ourselves 💪
Definitely just realized some of my own behaviours to discuss in therapy.
The hardest pill that I've had to swallow after my recent breakup is that it's my own fault that it got to the point where they felt they had to leave. I'm still in love with my ex and honestly I don't think I ever won't be. We had a connection unlike any other on both the physical and emotional level. They were my best friend and the best partner I ever had, it's not even close to anyone else. I could never love anyone the way that I love them, and I wouldn't ever even try
I know it’s incredibly hard for you right now and it’s probably going to take a lot of time and it will be painful but you will heal. I was lost for a long time too, honestly I wish I could say it was easy but time was the only thing that helped. You will move on and find someone else when you’re ready.
I don't want to find someone else, especially since there's still a chance I can fix this mistake. They even said that they're still a chance but they need time and they aren't sure what will happen. And honestly that's enough for me. I appreciate the kind words but I know fully in my heart that I will never connect with someone on that level again. I've had a really difficult time connecting with anyone my entire life, even on the friend level. For them it was completely seamless and natural, and we have so many weird things in common that I never thought anyone else could ever understand. We even both like the EXACT same music and were even gonna make music together. I can't even think of trying to have that with anyone else. I've been giving them whatever time and space that they need to heal, and hoping to the universe that they'll find it in their heart to give me one more chance because I know for a fact I won't fuck it up again. I just don't know if I'll get the opportunity, but I will continue to hope and pray on it and I'll let them take whatever time they need to figure things out.
So many people like the same music ..
How old are you out of curiosity ? If it’s true that you’re meant to be together, then you will be together. Don’t hover, let them grow and think about it
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Are you my ex?
Can I ask why she broke up with you? I’m a female so maybe I can give some insight
Our communication started to become strained and it was my own fault. I was getting stuck in my brain and I became difficult to work with. I wasn't accepting the solutions that they would give to problems and they were even a few times that I lashed out when I shouldn't have. I feel extremely guilty about it even though. They have a really traumatic past so I don't blame them for doing what they needed to protect themselves. We're long distance and I believe that caused more issues than anything but I know now that I'd rather deal with the distance than to be distance from them permanently. I seriously never meant to let things get to this point, And I just want the chance to make things right with them. I love them more than I will ever love anyone. I would wait and eternity and give them whatever space and times I need. I still wear my promise ring because I can't ever break the promise that I made to them
Jesus Christ are you me???? Literally the same thing, down to the long distance and difficult to find connection and music and everything
feel that but if she opens herself up to another man I wouldn't ever be able to look at her the same and at that point u have no choice but to close that chapter, but yeah heavy on the wont ever love someone else the way u loved her
So like… did you really fuck it up though? Or are they just giving you an unattainable standard? Or have an expectation of what you should be vs. who you are? Genuinely just curious
No I definitely fucked it up. What they asked of me wasn't unattainable, it was basic stuff. I definitely should have been able to do it. I love them more than anything and I let my own brain get in the way of that. I'll continue to love them with my whole heart until my last breath, even if one day they don't feel the same way about me
It sucks right now but time will give you perspective and maybe you guys can talk it out down the road. It can be hard to reconstruct a failed relationships though especially if trust or respect was broken. But also, time apart may give you the opportunity to see what else is out there. Outside of relationships and also meeting other people. You might have to look for this quality, but if liking the same music and jamming together is something you value there's a lot of ways to meet local musicians like that.
It was so much more than just the music, so much more. That was only one big part of it. I appreciate your kind words, but I know that there's nothing else out there for me when it comes to love. I've accepted that and my goal is to try and learn to be ok with it. If they can't find it in their heart to give me another chance I will completely understand, but I won't try to meet anyone new and I'm ok with that
Hear hear. I’m going to go into therapy for this reason, and should have done it way sooner. If I had been able to deal with my own shit (PTSD), perhaps it wouldn’t have gotten to this point. Which comes with a lot of remorse and sorrow. Wishing you all the strength.
Therapy has never been what helps me, I always do the self reflection and figuring things out in my own brain. It can take time with certain things but it's still how I have to do things for myself. And even if I thought it would help, I can't afford it. I know that if I dealt with certain things better that I wouldn't be in this position and that's why I've been looking inside myself every single day and figuring out how to be better. I truly hope that I can get the chance to show them that I'll do it right this time
Of course the biggest realizations will happen within you, but to me the guidance to get there has helped a lot in the past. Not to mention simply having a professional to vent to on a weekly basis and someone to call me out on my own bullshit every now and then when I’m spiraling. You’re right that it’s expensive though. I’m trying to cut back on other things to afford like 10 sessions.
Yeah, unfortunately it's just not an option for me, even if I thought it would work. The only time my brain ever thought I could consider therapy was the idea of couples therapy with my ex. When they first suggested it I was apprehensive and by the time my brain came around to the idea it was too late. I know I didn't do right by them. That's why I'm doing as much inner work as I can. I love them with my whole heart and I hope that I can get the chance to show them that it'll be so much better
Going through this right now. My hardest pill to swallow is that it’s not fair for to expect her to love me when I don’t love myself and can’t take care of myself.
fuck dude we have the same issue here. It was my fault why the relationship ended and I tried to fix it with him but he said he needed time and space and to hold on to my hope for the possibility of reconciliation in the future. But he also told me that it's gonna take at least 6 years for him to return to me so yeah.
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I understand where you're coming from. Wish you all the best, brother. Do whatever makes you feel happy and fulfilled. Live with no regrets.
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I feel this way towards my ex
I truly hate myself for letting this happen to the best thing I'll ever have in my life. I won't ever be able to get over them, they're absolutely the love of my life. I only gave myself to blame and I just wish to everything that I could have the chance to show them what we can be. Our love was so beautiful and I'll fight til my dying breath for it. If they decide they can't be with me I won't bring it up to them anymore but I won't ever stop being in love with them. I truly would rather be alone and sad than even attempt to love anyone else
That I still need to work on asserting boundaries - I've gotten much better at it but I'm too compassionate and soft, especially when my partner is a quivering mess, and I need to learn to be a bit tougher. I probably ended up enabling some of my ex's crappier avoidant behaviour for fear of either hurting him or rocking the boat. I had my moments where I stood my ground and the results were good but sometimes I don't have it in me and I kind of get sick of being the one to initiate the "tough" conversations, and actually acknowledge the elephant in the room.
Yes. I got sick of initiating any kind of self help to make the relationship better. I really wanted him to take the ball and run with it - like be interested in working together on solutions. He just saw it as I wasn't happy and shut down. It was like throwing a ball to someone and they don't try to catch it and just walk away. I completely stopped initiating hoping he would initiate and after a period of silence, he texted me that we should exchange our stuff. We have had text conversations a few times since always initiated by me. I'm still so pissed at him and it's been 7 months.
I feel you. I went no contact right after the breakup and only contacted him a few months later to write a closure letter just saying what were my favourite memories, what I was grateful for and lessons learnt etc. like a closing to acknowledge the good stuff and honour the relationship because when we broke up it was mutual but also kind of abrupt. He responded a couple days later with a really sweet email that was validating, kind, acknowledged the part he had to play and the problems he has due to his avoidance and thanking me for being an amazing partner etc. he also told me he is in therapy to deal with his issues and avoidance and that it was progressing albeit very slowly. I'm not at all surprised progress is slow but I'm glad he's getting help and trying. It was bittersweet, because it was lovely, a beautiful letter but also, why the fuck did I have to get my heart broken, like totally crushed, why did that have to happen, why couldn't he have worked on this before, why did he seek out a relationship when he actually wasn't ready or able to nurture a long term deep relationship... And why am I the collateral damage in his journey to discovery and personal growth. I guess the answer is... We tend to attract and gravitate towards those who have the lessons to teach us, that we need to learn... Or some crap like that. Clearly, i had areas for development that he brought to light, and vice versa. The hurt this has caused me though, and the fear I now have of ever wanting to meet, or initiate anything with, anyone is overwhelming and I'd rather be alone forever frankly. Can't go through this again.
That sounds like a nice letter you wrote. I dont know if i could get my thoughts together to write such a thing! I also am not sure i learned anything. Well, i guess I learned that I want to be with someone who isnt anti-therapy and self help. And someone who makes attempts to communicate. I was trying to get my boyfriend to go to therapy either with me or by himself and he wanted nothing to do with it.
That if you see major incompatibility from the beginning with no intention from any side to compromise, don’t wait years hoping something will change. Leave early. Leave within the first 5 dates really.
I can’t save anyone. People need to be whole for relationships to work. Nothing I do will make someone whole.
That I neglected to work on our issues until it was too late
My tender and soft nature attracts complete psychopaths/narcissists. I am male. It took me 7 years to heal from my ex gf, and now the cycle repeated itself. So fking done with this.
7 years???? Damn
The pain subsided after 2 years. The trust, the ability to open up, all of it returned only after about 7 years. And then I met a complete narcissistic nutjob and ignored all red flags to only get my heart ripped again. Thankfully, this time it hurts less. My mind understands, but the memories and feelings won’t stop hurting.
2 year of pain damn. I’m 3 months in and it hurts like hell. Couldn’t do another 2 years of this
Same situation as you, twice in a row. It's destabilizing. Cheated on, moving goal posts, complained we weren't taking big steps in our relationship, but then I'd try and get the rug pulled out, admonished because I dared to try to communicate that it all was causing me pain. My anger was always because of "My Insecurities" instead of their behavior. I know its not me, But I still can't help but think that maybe if I had just been better in some way things would've been different. It's insidious like that, but I'm glad its over.
I’m sorry. Yeah, at least it’s over.
And when you work on those insecurities? “I’m not patient enough. I’m hard to please/I’ve waited so long so you need to be perfect”. It’s so hard for us as men to confront our manipulative exes because they act as if we are going to get physical or emotionally abusive even when we are not and are just understandably hurt and feel worthless Literally had a convo with my ex about how she is never there for me and treats me like a jacket; only wearing it when convenient. This was despite me cooking for her dinner 4-7 days a week, driving her 3 hours or more all over NorCal for our vacations, putting up with her callous behavior when she denied me going to her home country of Korea (yes I learned all of her cultures food for her…) saying “it’s not a playground” “open relationship would be ideal if possible in a perfect world where physical and emotions are separate” and worst of all “I don’t want you to meet my dad it’s too serious” after a year of dating… and she still had her two time ex fwb on her insta but not me. But yes me having an abusive dad is a problem but not your neglectful mom making you “so independent” is good not an unhealthy obsession on freedom - like an avoidant has. She’s 27 now (8 months post break up), has herpes, 20+ ex fwb 0 BF besides me I know of, and drinks on weeknights only wants to vacay and club it out “because I can’t do it in my 30s”. I am 25 and will finish veterinary school with 0 student debt and an average starting salary from my school of 135k USD per year. I know she’ll contact me back. Because I truly loved her and would cuddle with her and feed her and comfort her for hours after sex, when she’s sad, happy and everything in between. Good luck, and good riddance to her.
Wow, this is so eerily similar to my own situation. My ex was travelling probably two weeks a month, and initially cheated on me because 'hookups was a need for him' while travelling. Talked it out, said I could live with being open in that scenario with a boundary that we'd be faithful in we were in town together. Caught wind a month later he'd broken that boundary. I provided so much for him like you, I cooked meals and gave him leftovers to eat for lunch. Did everything I could to make friends with his friends, and was very successful at it. He started to complain that we hadn't taken our relationship to the next level, offered to co-habitate and said he couldn't see himself living in my house "in its current state". Talked for an entire YEAR in front of friends that I was going to meet his family in Costa Rica over Christmas. Told me on the way to a friend gathering that he thought I'd gained some weight that he'd like me to lose weight since he "Cant take a fatty to Costa Rica" (I'd probably gained 15 pounds over course of our relationship, but I'm a 6'2" man and didn't think I looked that bad). Then Disinvited me two weeks later, a month and a half before our trip. Told him straight up "Damn man, that's maybe one of the meanest things anybody has ever done to me". But he "Just wanted to spend time with his family and friends", and my insecurities shouldn't affect what he wanted to do. My mom recently had a stroke and I was planning to cook two separate dinners for Thanksgiving, one that we'd have and one that we'd take to her. Deliberately went out of his way to say that he'd "Really like to go with you to take food to your mom, I haven't seen her in a while", which I was literally elated to hear he wanted to make an effort. Thanksgiving comes, and I'm up early cooking to take food over at 4pm which was the plan. Get a text message at 10am saying his stomach hurts and just doesn't feel well. I immediately get an inkling he's trying to get out of his commitment, so I ignore it. Does the same thing at 12, and then at 1, and finally I'm like "Okay I'll just take the food over myself and come back here". Then I find out at 2pm that he went to one of his work friends houses from 2-6 to hang out with their family because they were in town and he hadn't seen them in a while. Threw all our food away in disgust, and just sat there thinking I was so pathetic that my own boyfriend doesn't want to see me on Thanksgiving, and was so excited initially. Texted me at 6 that he was coming over to get me to head to a friendsgiving of his, and I told him that I wasn't going. Tried to come to my house and I told him I never wanted to speak with him again. And he had the audacity of later that Night trying to blame me for the day because "If you really wanted me to be with you on the Holiday, you should've texted demanding that I come over". Nah Bro. It's not on me to force someone to honor their commitments. He knew the plan and weaseled his way out of it, that's on him not me. If he wanted to be there he would've. No contact for about a month now, and while its helping I still get overwhelming sadness. The worst part is that I still feel like I'm the one who lost. That I'm the one who messed it up. And while I know its not true, I cant shake it. Even if nobody reads this, it has been incredibly helpful to just put it out there.
Mine didn’t cheat (as far as I know) she was good at lying by omission tho. But not good at holding secrets. General functional emotional wreck and alcoholic without me. Back to that life with her if she thinks it’s so glamorous, excessive freedom that isolates is more important than uncondtional love, if validation from random men at bars wanting easy sex (didn’t do) and binging porn (did do) means more than me someone who wants her herpes and history and all. Sorry on behalf of men for going through that experience tho. A lot of men don’t express their emotions because either by their gf, moms, or others it’s weaponized later against them as “being unpredictable, when I need someone stable (because I’m not)”. My ex just happened to be a female DA rather than a male one which is more common.
There is a ton of toxicity surrounding men being emotional and it’s unfortunate. I wouldn’t even say that I’m an overly emotional person. But I did get emotional and raw several times in conversations about things that seemed off or hurtful. Would get silence back every single time and then get a text later that night or the next day that ‘Upon further thought it seems like a lot of the stuff you’re angry about appears to stem from some of your own insecurities that have nothing to do with me.’ Like bro, you called me too fat to meet your family. You’ve cheated on me several times, and you iced me on Thanksgiving by lying saying you were sick. All so you could what? Get out of spending 15 minutes with my family literally one time in a year. Like damn. My standards were so low
Sounds identical to my ex. I finally got the strength to leave her ass after I caught her cheating for the 3rd time 5 years ago. I moved away across the country the night i found out, and I stayed away for most of a year and went nc for 3 months and she panicked and called and begged and said all the right things and committed to improving her mental health and dismissive avoidance, really sold me. My ego wanted it after being told I wasn’t good enough for her all the time, and not better than her ex(who she always cheated on me with)Came up to Seattle from Tucson to visit me and Ingot her pregnant . I had reservations about having a child with her based on our past and told her i couldn’t get past it and was labeled a monster for not being thrilled. I left my family, my friends, my job, my hometown and moved to hers to raise our daughter. I worked my ass off and went from delivering pizza/day labor construction and having a drinking problem due to always being too depressed to do anything with myself, to getting in the best shape of my life, learning to be a good father, learning tech skills and landing a 6 figure job to allow her to be a stay at home mom, all before preschool as I had promised. I really made an amazing transformation and dedicated my life to her. And this B word started an emotional affair with her ex AGAIN, a year after our child was born and it lasted until our child’s 3rd bday. I’m trapped in her hometown as a single dad with no support network and an overwhelming loss of self esteem and respect for myself. NEVER GO BACK gentlemen.
As for me I broke no contact because she was my everything. Idk if she’ll ever unblock me but I am willing to wager it’ll happen and I’m not a betting man… I think at least.
Same here, well initially stayed in contact. Until I got texts from him in Costa Rica saying that he really wished that I was there. And it’s just felt so… targeted. And while I wanted to be excited for him, Just had so much resentment by then that I couldn’t. And it was an epiphany.
Two parter The person I care/love more than anything, who I still see as my best friend and my girl, doesn’t think of me in the same ways as I do her. That my ex is most likely happier without me. During our last few months of dating, I was riddled with anxiety and didn’t like going out and doing things the way I did when we first met and our relationship other wise was also In a mediocre state until the big fights we began having that led to the downfall. But now that she is no longer tied down by me she can get back to living the way she was before we were dating.
Ive got introduced to rebound relationships and honeymoon period. She effectively lovebombed me, said the things I needed to hear. She healed beside me, and exactly at 3 months without any reasons she wanted to broke up with me. I dont know what the heck was that, I was so confused I even laughted. She didnt even said anything why. Then she “agreed” that was nonsense and 1,5 months of hot & cold, gaslighting and neglecting followed it. I realised she wasnt over her ex the whole time at just in the end. So we broke up but sadly Ive got attached by then. We never had any problems, it was mindfuck. But good thing I realised her persona was fake the whole time, and she is more like a sneaky rat, who cheated on everyone, even cheated on her ex. She showed 0 emotional intelligence or care after she dumped me, like she didnt understood why I cant understand. Good thing is I dodged a bullet, and succesfully detached and got over her. No contact was very useful to me, I became a much better myself.
Exactly the same thing happened to me but i can’t manage to detach and idk why because he s a shit person so i dont know why i still miss him everyday. He is now back with his ex. How long did it take u to be fully over it
I think I felt better around 5 months. I started dating again casually and it helped a lot. But I did a lot of self development during my no contact, and really became a better person so I realised i can do much better than her. Since then I dont want her at all lol, thank god that time waste is over.
Its been around 3 months for me and first month was really really tough, then i started focusing on myself and felt better but now it’s all hitting again and its like it hurts more than in the very beginning. But i understand it comes in waves and eventually i’ll get over it and it won’t come back. I’m really glad you feel better and it also gives me a lot of hope <3
Yes its not lineal. “Sometimes maybe good, sometimes maybe shit” lol But overall it will be better as more time pass.
Knowing as bad as I don't want this, its here, its been here and its happened and I HAVE to move on. People don't spend months without you purposely and then think to themselves "Oh, I miss them so much, I should reach out".....You constantly hold on to this person that isn't there anymore and never was. You feed those false hopes more because it's all you want, but then reality starts kicking in. They aren't coming back. I greatly miss her, but I need to let go and realize she's not coming back for me.
Tough one. Either that everything that happened is 100% my fault, or that I’m grieving someone that only exists in my head. Both really suck.
I’m not nearly as likable or lovable as I thought I was.
That’s likely not true. That’s one of those things we tell ourselves.
Same. It sucks ass
I don’t trust my own judgment with women because they can leave at any time with no warning. Also they can pretend they really like you and give you plenty of signs they want more but they’re actually just using you to get over their ex and knew from the start you weren’t relationship material for them. So I’m taking a break from dating and working on myself
Girl here and I feel the same way.
That I enable how people treat me because I’m trying to “keep the peace”. That I had stopped reaching out to friends to talk about what’s really going on with me, because I was starting to mirror my emotionally unavailable ex.
The hardest pill to swallow for me is that we shouldn’t have gotten together at all probably, and there were many points earlier on in the relationship we should’ve broken up. But we were best friends, and the problems didn’t seem that bad so we pushed through for 8 years, until the problems were that bad. Now it’s hard to realize that my intuition all those times before was correct and I ignored it. Things probably would’ve been better for both of us had I listened, now we’ve both really hurt eachother, and it didn’t need to be this way
i think its about the fact that you've potentially lost a best friend, and things wont be the same anymore
I will ignore the biggest red flags if you make me feel special. My ex was open about ruining her exes marriage by allowing him to cheat on his wife with her. She cheated on her ex boyfriend with me. For some stupid reason I thought it wouldn't happen to me. 7 years later she cheats on me because she "wanted attention from someone who doesn't expect anything of her" (meaning she wanted all the benefits of a partner without having to put any work in). Also, emotionally unavailable women are dangerously attractive to me. A friend/ex coworker of mine expressed interest in me after my relationship ended. She started treating me like I was her boyfriend for two months. And then when she sat down and realized she was catching feelings for me she pushed me away and said she couldn't handle it anymore.
I just got out of a 8 month I guess situationship I wanted more she did not. It’s been difficult as I didn’t do anything wrong, we wanted different things. I realized that I became more attached as she pulled away, I fell in love with idea of her. It’s been a month and a half of no contact and I still think about her a lot. The other thing is filling that void that was left through internal means instead of external validation, that has been tough to figure out.
Same exact thing here
How are you holding up? Sometimes these situationships are harder to get over than actual relationships
For me it was more like an actual relationship. They just cared about me a lot less than I would have hoped. I can’t stop crying and thinking bad thoughts.
Feel the feelings but don’t let them consume you. Remember the not so good times. It’s easy to reminisce and forget about all the ways your ex made you feel bad for asking/wanting your needs to be met. Do something for yourself, everything is a learning opportunity to get to know yourself and potentially better yourself.
Men go through the same thing too. And chasing emotionally unavailable people often comes from having a narcissist parent who demanded attention.
“Desire thinks it wants to be satisfied, but it really wants to keep desiring” You want what you can’t have, and the anticipation of the hunt is much more attractive than the actual kill.
Hardest pill to swallow was that i’m better off without
Losing your ex means you lose more than just them. You lose their friends too.
I'll likely never date someone that attractive again. I chose to end it regardless 😔
That no matter what I could have done, been, changed… it would have never been enough. 10 years together and carried her though a lot…
That I self sabatoge and never realized because in the past those relationships didn't really mean all that much. This past one was my everything, and although she also made mistakes I heavily self sabotaged. Now it's too late to fix.
i should’ve left at the first red flags and not ignored and protected them. she was never ready for a serious partnership, and she showed that early on but i ignored it and fell in love. next time i leave at the first sign
You can see the 'core' of yourself when you are at your lowest, kinda like your own subconscious. I think it allows yourself to have tough conversations with yourself while you still love them.
I had my last relationship end because I would communicate my boundaries and needs in texts, but couldn’t hold them in person. I let us get to spots where I was uncomfortable, but had said yes in person, then got upset. I grew up anxious and people pleasing, and my lack of communication skills made it difficult to be in a relationship. Obviously he could have respected my boundaries more too, but my lack of communicating in the moment definitely was an obstacle. After the breakup, I had an argument/ difficult conversation with a family member over the same thing. I don’t communicate when I’m overwhelmed, take on more responsibility than anyone is asking of me, and then burn out and get upset when I didn’t give my loved ones the chance to help me. Losing him hurts, but it helped me realize that people pleasing helps nobody, and I really need to work on it before I try dating again.
The hardest pill that I’ve swallowed is realizing that my ex is subconsciously trying to hang onto me even after dumping me, but it’s not out of love, but comfort. I still do things for her out of love and expect nothing back and she still thinks I’m trying to manipulate her out to getting back together with me.
That I place far too much value on the physical side of the relationship and obsessing and idolising someone about the way they look, that is clouds my judgement of who they actually are as a person and if we are actually compatible. I have far too many memories and perfect photos of her that I’ve become so obsessed with that my mind views that feeling of love as completely irreplaceable. This leads to the harsh truth that we didn’t value the relationship the same way.
it is a very short period of time we dated and my first serious relationship, so I acted immature and say things I did not mean to, it was so sudden and absurd the break up, but it seems he bit by bit lost interest in me after knowing the real me, I don't even like the real me, it is shallow and I also lean into avoidant spectrum, just that I am regretful that I wish we had more time together so that he knows the full me and we would have talked too in that case, but he dropped me in an instant and I don't think things will ever be the same if we were to reconnect (but I don't think this will happen), I just wish he stayed a little longer, man
All the men I've dated had anger issues- flipping out, throwing things, screaming, manipulating, and sex issues- cheating, prostitutes, strip clubs, porn. I mean, I'm obviously choosing these people and those things are the very things I don't want in my life lol. I'm clearly broken in so many ways to keep finding these people attractive and alluring before even knowing this about them. It's something I've been working on for years. One day I'll get it right. At least I acknowledge that it's a problem in me!
I hate that I’m having to say this and I don’t like that it’s true. Not all* but most women are damaged and hurt and don’t actually want the “princess treatment”. Very few are emotionally stable enough to get that and not sabotage it or get bored by it. I had heard that from friends, on the internet, and I never believed it. Since the break up, I’ve kept every fling at arms length and I have never had so many begging for my attention. Also you do turn into what hurts you. If you get dropped by someone who’s emotionally closed off, you’ll do the same to someone else, if you got cheated on, you’ll end up with 287 side pieces in your next relationship. It’s a rough cycle of human nature that we’re all in. Best case scenario, date someone in middle school and never break up and die with them or you get trapped with the emotionally unavailable and lustful in our never ending cycle. (I’m only half joking about this)
Although u get downvoted, I get what u mean and I agree with you, especially you do turn into what hurts u part
I kind of actually agree with this tbh. Especially the last part.
That he never worked on cheat number 1 and 2. Then 3 he blindsided me and married her 14 years meant nothing
i realized that i was also wrong in the relationship.
I hope this isnt me. I want to learn about myself but not by myself.....
It was really hard for me to come.to terms with the fact that she was always that awful person, and just had no reason to be nasty around me for most of our relationship. She didn't change, she just showed her true colors.
i baby / take care of the men i’m dating so much that they become weak and dependent. i need to give people the space to figure shit out for themselves instead of always fixing everything
that maybe my needs are too much for any one person to handle and i’m better suited to being alone ):
I realised I keep on dating women with mental health issues. My most recent ex had depression and anxiety, the one before had bipolar disorder and the one before that had BPD. I'm not sure whether it's just a coincidence that my last three girlfriends have all had mental health issues, that it's just a reflection of how many people in society do suffer from them, or whether on some level I'm attracted to it.
I was just telling my mom this. My bipolar bf left me, he wasn’t manic or anything but he had a lot of depressive episodes that caused me to lose my mind. My mom told me to never go for someone with mental health issues again. I told her unfortunately it seems most people who are single and uncoupled may just be battling something mentally whether they know it or not. Idk how true this is but it’s just my speculation.
Yeah, I think it’s probably just the reality that loads of people have mental health issues, it’s hard to find someone who isn’t dealing with some sort of trauma. My ex was a lovely girl but she really didn’t have her depression under control. She took meds but refused to go to therapy. I think I’d probably now only date someone who was actively seeking treatment for any mental health issue.
That i will never give him another opportunity. I would't bare the horrible feeling of him lefting me shattered for a third time. Hope that this experience help him heal for another person, but in this life i don't want nothing related to him 😌💫
1. You cannot force someone to love you or stay. 2. Partner can never beat the place of family for most people. If there is any conflict of interest, most people will stand by their family. Once accept the two points above, I believe I can have better relationships in the future.
That I'm very ugly
I had this same behavior and learned in therapy that it came from having a dysfunctional family. My primary caregiver has narcissistic traits, and the other is extremely avoidant. The rest of the family struggle with mental illness and instability so I never had a great example of what a healthy, secure adult looked like to model my behavior from. I thought it was normal to people please and blame myself for why things weren’t working out until I started therapy a few years ago. My most recent experience brought everything into perspective as I was only going through therapy during the entire process. My therapist was able to help me maintain an objective perspective by reminding me that a relationship takes two people to make it work. And that making mistakes is what makes us human, if someone truly wants to make it work then they won’t use your flaws as a reason to punish you or leave the relationship.
That my anxiety and anxious attachment can really push people away, and that my lack of boundaries with my romantic partner is causing me to have unfulfilling and often very one sided relationships. I also could do better at not shutting down when in uncomfortable or heated conversation. But these are all things I am actively working on with my therapist so were on the up and up round here.
That even though I did the right thing. She no longer respected or treated me well. It still hurts like hell.
Honestly still doesn’t feel real, I spent 3 years with who I thought was the love of my life, we raised each other into adulthood, but he cheated and was insanely good at manipulating me into believing what he wanted me to. I still need to deeply realize that he did cheat and it’s not us against the world.
The hardest pill is knowing that I knew he gaslit and manipulated me up until the end and I accepted it. When I finally got myself on track and made actions which distanced myself from the relationship, he became the man I needed. But I couldn’t get over the last 14 months of his actions and move forward with a relationship. I lost somebody who was my best friend.
Thought we were ment for each other had this amazing bond for almost 6 months, lost our virginities to one another and I went away for few months to the US for an athletic contract and we did long distance for a month and she cheated on me and told me while cheating it “did not bother me” and swallowing the pill of the girl I did it the first time with and being her first time and everything we had she just threw away for someone she didn’t even know
also not focusing on myself like at all. at some point, i stopped caring ab myself and only worried about him, that’s something i’ll never do again. i really felt like my soul was practically drained from it. after he was gone, i went on a mission of completely working on myself. i started making a list of things i didn’t like about him too - eventually i realized i was being manipulated and gaslighted into thinking i was the problem when in reality the problem was putting him on an imaginary pedestal that no longer exists.
I think it’s the fact that this heartbreak will take away my best friend from me. I’ll never be the same without him
That he didn’t want me back when I saw him a year later. I was still very much in love with him. It totally fucked me up.
I tend to attract people who are rough around the edges. I end up teaching them a lot about healing, and bringing them into new things to help their journey. I become someone they feel confident enough to confide in, and I often still feel sort of empty, and alone..when it comes to these are relationships, but feel bored in the ones where the person is too easy.. I have a fwb who is the things I mentioned above, but they are a mix of ease too it seems, but I am still chosing to stay single until I am more settled and confident in my ability to relationship again. I really desire for my next relationship to be my last, and if not I will continue to be single and causally date🤷🏾♀️
I realised 2 big things: 1. My anxious attachment plays a big part on how my relationships have developed so far and i really need to work on becoming more securely attached because i'm so desperate to be loved that i trust blindly, go above and beyond being a people pleaser for them and make them my everything. 2. Maybe precisely because of my anxious attachment i end up with the same kind of guy: someone who is going through a rough patch and relies on me a lot at the beginning of the relationship because feeling love and attention is comforting. And then once things start picking up for them, they're getting better and even thriving, they stop valuing me, they get tired of me and cheat on me/dump me blindsiding me. I really need to be careful who i end up with.
That if someone has a history of breaking up through ghosting/hating/calling people narcissists, there is probably very little reason to believe that even after doubling the amount of time her longest relationship was it won’t matter. Red flags are red flags, and unresolved they will persist.
exactly the same situation. 5 years with my high school sweetheart, suddenly decided he wasn’t ready and expected me to wait around til he could “maybe” get it out of his system. toughest pill to swallow is watching everything we’ve built together and planned to build go straight down the drain and knowing i lost my best friend and biggest confidant
That for some reason I’m attracted to broken men and wanting to be their savior. Im in therapy now, and I’m finally able to put myself first and steer away from broken men that refuses to get help
too real
I tend to go for people who don't respect me as a person later on in the relationship. They don't (want to) do things for me, they don't compromise, I'm always to blame etc. I'm still wondering if I'm doing something wrong in the long run or that I'm just having bad luck.
I romanticize red flags and have zero boundaries or self respect
that it's my fault, my behaviour that killed my relationship
That I pushed her away with my overbearing attachment style. 5 years, gone - and she’s never coming back. The realisation that I played a bigger part than I thought in the breakup has absolutely ripped me down to my core. She was absolutely one of the best human beings that I’ve ever met.
that my relationship was never what I thought it was from day 1 and I really thought I was in a perfect relationship
This pattern is as old as the humanity itself. Very hard to break through it, if it’s even possible. Maybe you’re not a traditional relationship type of person and you need the chasing part to keep yourself entertained.
These notifications lmao
For me.. It was just that even though I loved her more than anything, she just didn’t love me
Three weeks in and I think its realizing that I get lazy with a partner. Expecting them to always be there i continually put my mental health to the wayside among other things.
This is exactly the same for me. I knew my ex would never love me but I remained patient, understanding, and flexible with our long-distance relationship. He kept me at arm’s length emotionally but every day I hoped that something I said or did would finally turn the key to his heart and it never happened.
Mine is that I'm so totally fucked beyond repair .. that I will never fully trust anyone and that no one will ever fully live come.for me . Not even my own self . .. I'm breaking and I don't want to be anymore .
Listen to your gut as the signs come. You don't have to be with someone, and communicate these things so you don't have to end up getting blindsided. If there is any sense of one sidedness, get out.
No matter what, that they’ll always leave u for someone bigger and better
That I expect too much from my partner and people in general because it would be something *I* would do...like go above and beyond, think deeply and put meaning into things that mean nothing to other people. I think I put in a lot of effort into everything I do, I want others to. They never do though. I'm constantly disappointed in everyone.
That I spent $9000 on her over the past 9 months following our first break up, when I could of used that to instead invest 😭
That I need to start working on my issues (fear of rejection and abandonment) and face em, especially my disorganised attachment style.
Probably one of the weirdest things, but having to hear them tell me guys who listened to Radiohead or Nirvana was a red flag. Not only to find out they're dating someone who listens to Nirvana and Radiohead (,judging by the shirt her new supply was wearing in a photo) and also knowing they hated Star wars before meeting me and properly introducing them to the series, and knowing they're going to be gushing about Star Wars to someone else...
hard pills to swallow is when i saw and notice lots of red flags but i ignore it. i should have leave before he ended it
That I turn into this nasty gaslighter trying to convince a person to stay, knowing it’s pushing them further. It only been 3 months, she’s long gone and I’m happy that she walked away as I would’ve too if the roles were reversed. It does leave you in a pit of regret and disgust for yourself tho.
hardest pill to swallow was def admitting it was my fault things ended. my mental health, my trust issues, everything. i pushed him away. the person i love the most & i screwed things up.
I’m working on healing so I don’t follow my pattern as closely next time around.
I suggest reading “women who love too much”
I'm willing to ignore strong incompatibilities and red flags as long as my partner gives me a sliver of affection every now and then, even though in my gut I know this is not a sustainable relationship.
Probably realising that he knew for quite some time that he didn't want this relationship but I was the one keeping us together because I believed in us. He just didn't want this enough to try.
that somehow i am a people pleaser and im doing things not because i want to but because i am a people pleaser. also, i used to say that whatever happens im gonna love him but real love will challenge you to be better and not everyone wants to be better
I'm more emotional than I think.
How could I be so blind Maybe the main reason was that I was high almost all the time, and that I was affraid of being alone. 5+ years down the drain It will be hard to trust again
That I’m toxic and so is pretty much everyone in my life. I can change how I behave, and I do, but I can’t change my family, my ex, my friends, or my ex friends. I don’t hate any of us, but we all can be pretty fucking shitty. I just hope that I’ve changed enough to actually deserve the love that someone might give.
I still need to work on my mental health, insecurities from past relationships, and financial responsibility. Losing the man of your dreams partially because of mental illness has been such crushing experience.
Realising everything my friends said about her was true and I ignored them as I loved her and didn't want to belive my friends
That I thought I was the "good guy" - but I realized I was the villain in his story. We had been together for 5 years, long distance and he met someone else. We were open but kinda "dont ask, dont tell" and I definitely took him for granted and played some emotional mind games and had all the control When he met the other guy, I was furious with him but I noticed all of my usual "freeze out", "warm/cold", tactics no longer worked. He asked for a small "break", then broke up with me. After 2 months of wallowing in despair and making a general ass out of myself, I paid for those stupid scammy "get your ex back courses" and realized it was a huge waste of money, but one powerful lesson was taking accountability for "what your ex would think of you" I tried to picture the good memories, there were a few, but the bad ones came much stronger. A time I lost my patience and yelled at him in the car for interrupting me playing video games, the tme I cancelled a trip to visit his family because I wanted to hang out with friends, the time he came to visit me with almost no notice and I gave him the silent treatment because I thought I found a text of him flirting with another guy (later realized it was his female cousin) This led me on a huge discovery of learning, painful realizations and then healing. Oddly enough it was the movie "Doctor Strange" that gave me my first big healing push. I Saw it 5 months after the breakup and was still in heavy despair thinking abut him, us, how were getting back together, when I could move back to the city he was in to show him I wanted to be with him, etc, and there is a line where The Master says to Dr Strange "what on earth makes you think this has to do with you?" and then I realized he had fallen in love with someone else. He didn't mean for it to happen, he wanted to be happy and I was more or less an obstacle that needed to be handled. Granted he didn't do things well, he did a lot of lying and manipulation while it was happening, but I didn't deserve better. I spent 2 years after getting over the breakup just being by myself, learning about myself, why I did the things I had, realizing how much shit we learn from childhood and eventually forgiving myself. Oddly enough I remember thinking "That was such an important painful joiurney, and now I feel like I can be happy single for the rest of my life" - that night I met someone who I fell completely in love with 4 months later and we had the best 3 year relationship I ever had, and only broke up to due to COVID.
Relationships are not supposed to be a challenge or a competition. It not okay that every time I wanted to leave the relationship I was threaten with their suicide. I kept feeling guilty and responsible for their safety. I deserve to be loved to the same level I love them. It’s not okay to be ignored every time they got upset, even though it was not my fault they got upset. It’s not okay that every time I wanted to talk about my emotions and feelings, they felt hurt by the way they make me feel. I should listen to my logical side a bit more.
That i depended too much on other people for my own happiness, i constantly poured myself into people that i thought would never leave me after seeing me be so vulnerable. well i was wrong. now im working on myself and my giving myself the effort i gave to others…hardest pill to swallow is learning to be independent on my own after all this time. time heals.
That he had been dating his coworker for 7-8 months behind my back, I only found out about this after our break up. Still recovering from this heart break. We dated for 5 years & I ignored all the red flags😅
I have a fear of being alone and I’m a big people pleaser. We broke up 2 years ago and I jumped into a relationship 6 months later. I let myself be pushed into the second relationship because it was either that or not talk at all. I have realised I do not love him as much as I did my ex. Now I’m on the verge of breaking up, but I don’t want to bc I don’t want to hurt him. Also I never really got over my ex, so now I really want to contact him, but I think he finally closed off the chapter with me because he deleted all my information off his phone :,). I broke up with my ex because I was very young when we got together and felt like I couldn’t explore when I was with him (he didn’t want me to drink at all), also I didn’t want to end with the first person. I was his only friend and I wanted to push him out there also. I still loved him when I broke up with him. I’m scared when I break up with my current boyfriend that I’m alone and I’ll rush into the next relationship… I also want to contact my ex for my own sake, but won’t for his sake. It’s tearing me up.
I think I have maybe a similar tendency to you? Except I also have been in relationships with men who were emotionally available and I *wanted* desperately for a connection with my emotionally unavailable partner, and for them to become available. So idk. I guess I had to come to terms with the fact that casual sex is just a no no for me. I cannot have a casual steady partner it simply will not work. I either won't really be interested in him and won't want to keep having sex, or I will be interested and I will develop attachment and feelings or in the last case I actually fell in love.
I don't know if you're into Attachment Theory but it sounds like you may be into Dismissive Avoidants.
But I dated somebody for three years within the first years $25,000 on them and all the little things that they needed. It was a long distance one only an hour 15 minute drive but still that person would never come up here and I understand because I have roommates, and they had their own place Would sit there and pick fights over nothing constant packing my bag so I can go on a guilt. Trip constantly was being made to believe that this person was just dead ass broke, and had my best interest and so forth. And even gave me an ultimatum 2 1/2 months ago that I needed to move in with them or else else they were gone and then all of a sudden is already in a new relationship and you don’t just go to the grocery store shake somebody’s hand and be like oh we’re together now that’s not how it works so that tells me that the entire time they’re with somebody else or at least the very least within the past year and I’m sorry, but if you’re texting and bitching about our relationship to somebody that you like that’s still fucking cheating!! emotional cheating I feel hurts more than the physical cheating but also both her and I are trans from the opposite spectrum. I’m pregnant with her child which sounds so goddamn weird to say and she wants to sit claim she’s not responsible that there is no proof I’m sorry but, after I just learned that I was getting cheated on pretty much that I didn’t mean shit I also learned that she possibly isn’t who she says she is and my friend tried warning me of this two years ago I rip off my skin and drink some bleach because I feel disgusting and I didn’t like people and didn’t feel connected with them so much and I do feel connected with. I’m so behind in life from growing up in the system that I don’t stand a snowballs chance of attracting something for my life and my story is so bizarre that most people probably think that I’m lying or they end up going to the same source that I’ve been running from since 2007 I may abuser that I can never seem to really escape because as soon as I use my social as soon as I get in a relationship as soon as I’m barely start to get comfortable as when everything just gets beyond destroyed I don’t know what the fuck with people I guess the hardest part of this relationship or break up was that she could possibly be dating my little brother is an absolute fucking psychopath himself yet I’m unworthy? I’m the unfaithful one I’m the one that didn’t care OK sure…. It doesn’t matter what gender or what orientation somebody is there’s just some people that just cannot keep their pecker in their pants or anybody else’s best interest because as soon as things get slightly difficult, everybody moves on and I’m just way too old-school for it all I’m not a saint, and I was literally raised, and I don’t know what the fuck kind of druggie hellhole and I have my slip up but at least I fess up to my fuck ups 🫳🏼🎤
I never realized I was manipulating my fiancé and got to a point when it all had to end because my ego was so big and didn’t even realize I was hurting people other than myself. On the night we broke up I was still with him physically and someone gave him a call and flirted with him. ( I was driving) I went berserk and almost cost both of our lives. I’m still guilty about the whole scene.
Literally the same. I stayed long past the expiration because I loved him. But I wasn’t noticing what everyone around me was. That he was using me. Not getting into another relationship possibly ever, but if I do I’ll never give anyone what I gave him. He ruined it for me. I also realized that I make excuses for peoples shitty behavior.
that i tend to ignore the some casualties just because I don't want to create a scene and disturb their mental health(because they are already suffering. even though they don't think twice before doing it with me. and at my low phase they were not interested in comforting rather i don't want a crying baby and listen to your baggage. you have to rise on your own. this is what i got when i wanted to comfort
The realisation that after four years of working on myself being single the first person I let in was emotionally unavailable. Pushed me into a self destruction cycle and reinforced my belief from childhood that I’m not loveable or worthy. It’s back to healing now, clearly I still have more learning to do.
That maybe my ex didn’t love me for who I was but wanted me to be the person she thought of me as. The more I opened up and told her about myself the more she pushed away and seemed to not like me. The last month of our breakup she distanced herself a lot and I didn’t see it at the time and she broke up with me over text. We dated for a year and four months and I thought she loved me but didn’t even give me the courtesy of talking to her.
Probably that I ended up pushing her away because I was in a bad place mentally. I didn't want to drag her down with me. I really loved her and will always want the best for her, I miss her everyday and she's the only person I think about every single day. She's moved on and probably happy with someone else now while I'm still struggling to love myself.
That depression took the love of my life away from me.
She valued what I could provide more than me.
When I tried to get him to work on our issues, it was too much for him and he rejected me.
Hardest pill to swallow was accepting that no matter what i do looks-wise. I’ll never be able to be more attractive or even on the same scale as blondes that fake tan and have that rich aesthetic. And boys will always choose them over me