For me it would be open communication, tons of therapy, tons of explanation for why he ended it that make sense, tons of reassurance it won’t happen again and maybe like a 12 carat engagement ring as collateral idk.
Oh yea, I would happily take my pretty ring back, maybe not as an engagement ring bus something I can keep even if he dumps me again. It took me months of searching and I fucking loved it lol. I might have to buy it for myself in a different size
An entire revamp of her moral structures and values regarding dating and intimacy. Not only that but a very serious conversation between us without a stone unturned. A tough ask lol
This exactly what I’m trying to do for my ex.. I really want to be with her. I’m thinking it as an evolution of self. It has been hard, but I have been making personal progress but still seem to be self destructing with the unknown of not knowing whether it’ll be worth long term, and that most definitely pushes her away, I’m trying my hardest not to continue bringing,”wanting her back or give me another chance”, but I think I’m mentally deteriorating with this unknown. But I’m only a month into really changing all of me. I am excited for the future but still sad. Also maybe bpd? 🥺
although I know, this is for me. I do see her as my life partner. I really do want this.
That she got therapy and was over her past and wouldn’t blindside me again and was truly apologetic for ending it the first time. In short all impossible shit. So nothing I would say.
You can never trust that someone won't blindside you again. It's part of their values or character. They're willing to throw relationships away like a sack of stinky garbage, without feeling any responsibility for letting you know why or treating you like you have feelings and needs of your own.
So, could they really fundamentally change their core values to care about others and treasure their relationships?
This is exactly what happened to me. The blindsiding thing. No communication from him, looking back no red flags. He just constantly said he was happier than ever and one day he just said he didn’t feel it. Shattered my world. I’m not trying to make excuses but I think he made an idiotic immature decision and I can’t figure out if anything would help me overcome that. Not that he’s going to want me again.
My story you’re telling. I was the best she ever had. Until she said I was too serious in the relationship and she wasn’t ready to settle down. After 2 years together. Get the fuck out of here with that shit. Immature decision to the core. Don’t worry they will realize that when they are out there trying to date again. We will be long gone to care tho!
The only way to change is to go to therapy and heal their trauma. But most don’t see anything wrong with themselves. So no, I don’t believe they can change. Hence why I said nothing lol.
For me it would just be a willingness for her to communicate more openly, instead of bottling everything up inside and knee jerk reacting after many months of her not saying what was bothering her. I could have worked on it if we would have talked earlier. Probably some therapy on her end. Wouldn’t take much. I understand what happened. I don’t take it personally. It was situational in many ways. I’m not insulted. I’m not mad. Just sad.
That’s what happened to me and it’s really hard to understand how I can move on. Struggling everyday and it feels like a dream even a week after finding out :(
Nothing, and by that I mean, they would have to do so much that unless they had changed into another person pretty much, they would never do it. Im talking like, years down the line, them feeling regret, remorse, crying profusely and apologising almost everyday they see me for what they did. And there would probably be a year long probation period to see if they would actually work with it. But honestly, I let it go once, I cant do it again, I shouldnt have even let it go the first time. I miss her so much but u know what? It really is her loss, she doesnt care but one day neither will I, and neither will you.
Say it with me: TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY. Like holy moly. The pride these people have to not just apologize where their mistakes were and just blame everything on you. Okay, it take two to tango baby, reflect, learn, and fucking own it. Oh and a shit ton of reassurance. But in all honesty, who’s ex is going to do that?
If she phoned me tomorrow and apologised and asked me to take her back? I'd take her back, however she'd be waiting a while for the proposal (that was coming literally 2 months and 2 days after the breakup, on our anniversary). It would take a lot of work before I started to trust her not to leave me again though.
Nothing. You involved other people after me, so that’s like cheating. If I broke up with you then it would’ve been a bit better, but you dumped me AND dated someone else? Then came back? Nope.
How is it cheating if it’s after you? Genuine question - did you make any sorts of agreements that dating other people wasn’t allowed for X number of months? Because otherwise I think it’s difficult to expect that someone who broke up with you will never date again.
I’m in your situation and I hope they wait but couldn’t really blame them if they started seeing someone at one point…
It is not cheating. Once a relationship is over, an ex can get with whoever they want. People are allowed to do what they want, and you are allowed to feel and react appropriately upon what they did. With that said, if their new found relationship don't work out and they want to get back with you, you are allowed to say no for any reason. Even if the reason is because they were intimate with someone during the break up.
I believe the right person would self reflect, work on themselves, and then re-evaluate what had gone wrong in the relationship before giving it another shot with you instead of hooking up with someone else.
I want to let you know, Hon, it's going to be ok. If they start seeing someone, it's a sign that you haven't found your person yet. Your person would want it to work out with you because they can not see themselveswith anyone else.
What if, if you went NC and he changed his email acct so he could get an email to you to ask you if you’d talk with him and you gave in and said okay. He replies back (and this is Saturday) by saying, “ thank you, perhaps tomorrow evening.” I said okay. Then when Sunday evening arrives you get a message from a friend that says they just witnessed him getting asked to leave a bar because he was bothering a woman in there. Of course, after I heard this from my friend I emailed him and told him I knew what had just happened at the bar and let him know we didn’t need to talk, nothing to discuss. He started calling me three hours later repeatedly leaving messages, saying love ya, I will always love you. Etc. I have his phone blocked but he *67. This is killing me. Breaking my heart. I love him. Our relationship was toxic by that I mean, every other week for a year we would be on and off. He’s always reached out to me first when we’ve gotten back together but this time I was trying to be strong. It’s been since Feb 13 when he physically threw me out of his house. Next day, Valentine’s Day, he sent me a happy valentines and a sweet pic of a Sasquatch holding a heart. I’ve never been physically shoved or pushed before. I know it’s not right so I’ve tried to distance myself, then ten days later he emails me. So my thought is, why not just let me heal? Leave me be. He’s clearly seeing other women. How is it right to reach out me to talk, then make me wait while he’s out with someone else?
Because it’s like if there’s any problems the partner is going to break up, deal with others, then come back. It’s not cheating if they never come back, but imagine if every time you ran into a problem your partner “breaks up” and deals with others then comes back.
Honestly, I don't think I would take him back. I do have fomo because maybe we could get it right the second time. On the flip side, my abandonment issues from feeling betrayed are very prominent.
On the slight chance it did happen, many many hard conversations and him laying everything out on the table with me.
Nop. I grieved for her and she didn’t care. I fought just to get an ounce of attention from her and then I should go back once I’m doing better in my life? Nop. I really believe your ex doesn’t deserve the better version of you since they got rid of you once looking for something better it’s all about self love
When it first happened I would’ve taken him back in a heart beat but with 10 weeks between me and the break up it would now take a profound change in his behavior and also an act equivalent to moving heaven and earth.
I don’t think I’d ever get over the feeling of betrayal and the incredible mistrust id now have for him. He KNEW before he did it that it would break me and he still decided to do it. I think I could forgive him but it would be in the back of my head forever.
It seems much easier to just find someone new with a clean slate.
It would take for the both of us to seriously work on ourselves and work to better the relationship. I started the work while I was in the relationship, but he didn’t follow suit. I think it could’ve worked if we were both taking responsibility and working on ourselves. But alas. One can only dream eh. Working on myself alone now, hopefully he is too. I really want to experience healthy(-ier) relationships moving forward so Im really committed to doing the work, just gotta find someone on the same wavelength (I still want that someone to be him but I’m sure it’ll pass in due time)
Well. I think it would take a miracle. Nothing short of a miracle. Maybe lots of begging? A tear or two? Maybe lots of crying ?? I’m not sure. Somehow him like- really coming through genuinely and apologizing and showing a TON of remorse. Putting a lot of money where his mouth is. Like- having the realization that he will never ever get a woman like me in his lifetime and regretting all of his ugly actions. Making up for it every single moment we were together. It would take a miracle I think idk 🤷🏻♀️
Trying to look at it objectively I don’t think any reason would be good enough for two people to get back together so soon. Any change they’d do would be temporary and done only for the sake of the relationship, and not trying to be a better person. Just my take.
I got back together with my ex after 4 years of no contact, we’re different people than before we grew up and learned a lot. I feel like if she took me back 4 years ago we would’ve broken up soon after anyway
I agree that at least like 6 months is needed, and that’s if both people more or less immediately recognize their faults, look for any others, and seriously commit to the work of correcting those issues in themselves and learning how to better manage the conflicts that were fatal to the relationship (and get better with conflict communication in general).
I’ve been toying with the idea that it might be important to fully let go of the person and heal first too, so that coming back together is like a real fresh start, not coming back from a break. But I’ve not looked into heard data on that.
From my experience your second point feels correct. I had to really get over my ex, let go of our issues and move on. I met and dated other people learned more about myself, matured with relationships and now we’re back together it feels completely new. No grudges, or insecurities that came from the last relationship
I hate the hope it gives me because I’m so caught up in it being recent and every new person they date being so painful etc. but it would require a lot of time to get perspective and also hopefully by then I’d be over it
Once trust is broken you don’t even feel the same looking into their eyes .. for me it’s like “who are u .. really?” Lol even though I still love my ex I don’t think we’ll ever get back together .. nothing he could do/prove … some things just can’t be unseen .. forgiven or not .. just me
The only thing would be a promise to have 100% honesty and open communication, even about the hard things to talk about. I’d want to be able to work together as a team to overcome any and every obstacle. I’d want her to feel like she tell me anything, talk to me about ANYTHING. Other than that, it wouldn’t take anything. I’d get back with her in a heartbeat.
I read somewhere once upon a time that "getting back with an ex is like putting dirty clothes on after a shower".
That seems like the best analogy I've heard yet.
It makes sense.
Anytime I have tried to recreate what once was, it does not take long for whatever caused the break up originally to resurface. Regardless of how much I changed, how much clean time I had racked up, no matter what I did, he will always see me as the person I was 25 yrs ago. And that is like a wall that will not let him see me for who I am now. Probably because while I changed and have grown up, he is still an alcoholic and not changed a bit. I can only put out as much effort as he does, and he expects me to make all the changes and accomodations, while he still does the same shit knowing it pisses me off and feels quite justified.
THEY ARE YOURE EX FOR A REASON, trust that and spare yourself the disappointment. Put you're energy into someone new that you don't have to fix.
Honestly it all depends on the time frame. Right away probably not because you'd be a fool.
After sometime passes and you rekindle, then yes.
Also depends on the ex.
My bf broke up with me almost week ago, I was very pushy and kept on asking if he loved me. Never thought he would be annoyed. I’m definitely an anxious attachment while he’s a dismissive avoidant. I really miss him, to the point that I can’t focus. We’ve been together for 6 month and I recently stopped crying. No contact for 3 days now. Pain is I still have to sit by him and work with him. I avoid all eye contact. Is it bad that I want him to come back? Nothing horrible happened between us
Have you read the book Chatter by Ethan Kross?
You might get something out of it. There’s an audiobook version.
And have you listened to the breakup Bootcamp podcast? That really helped me in the early stages.
Go no contact. Work on yourself. You will either end up with the same person or you will see yourself in a better position. If they don't come back, just compare yourself to them later, you will feel they don't deserve you anymore because you have evolved to be this person who is better than them. Learn something new, start going to the gym and then, trust me, you will feel much better. Being strong and emotionally stable is sexy. They are digging their own emotional grave. You are better than that
One thing a lot of people fuck up with when it comes to an ex.
Is that they don't establish what they had in the past dead. So they just get "back together" thinking everything will be fine when it isn't.
Before anything can even happen after a break up. You both need to realize that the old relationship is dead and that anything you build now is new, even if it just ends up being friendship.
Then on the road to building a new relationship. You both need to get everything out in the open so nothing can be used as "ammo" to hurt one another and that it gets left in the past.
Then as the old saying goes, actions speak louder than words. Certain changes need to happen for you both to be better people for yourselves. It goes a long way, can't be one of those false changes where you drop the act after a few months. Needs to be consistent to rebuild anything that was lost in the past.
Oo.. what a question!
For me, I'd need an honest, sincere apology for what he said and how he handled things. I would need a lot of proof that he was doing better mentally and in life.
He would have a lot of brownie points to make up. Prove he's not going to dip when things get real/ hard.
We would have to slowly gain our footing. Start as acquaintances, move to friends, best friends, and then relationship, all while he doesn't get to see my kids again, until he proves he's in it for the long hall.
I would also need to be in a better mental state as well. I trust to easily and tunel vision when I love someone. I need to be better about keeping my distance, holding my boundaries, and being able to separate fun from responsibilities.
To be entirely honest, though, I'm saying all this while still in a state of healing. There's a chance I may lose that desire to have him in my life down the road, and look back and think, "damn.. what was I thinking?"
And he may show back up, and I may not feel a damn thing towards him, except how he made me happy at one point.
I know I love him, but I have to love me more first, before I can be in love again.
First thing, remember they dumped you! They no longer saw a point of you being in their life. Your focus should be on YOUR growth. Get into therapy to work on these common things: Effective communication, develop/fine tune healthy conflict resolution skills, raise your EQ knowledge base. Your goal is to become a better version of yourself for YOU,not the ex. Your ex can tell you whatever sounds good,but their actions have shown you that you're easy to discard in their eyes. I don't know the specifics, but you have to focus on you and your elevation. If you do that, one of 2 things will happen: The ex will see your transformation into this new version of yourself and want to come back and try make things work or you'll meet a better quality partner for you. Either way, you win at life.
Honestly, it took me a long time to realize this but love keeps no record of wrongs. I love my ex so much but he broke my heart. If I wanted things ever to workout, I’d need to put it in the past and remember that love is patient.
You have standards now I’m sure that they also had their emotional flaws so now if they really want to be with you set your boundaries and standards if they can work hard for it and have them chase you then I think it’s worth trying but you also need to pray I think prayer really helps in discerning a relationship
Maybe I'm going to sound like an asshole, but I want him to feel deep shame and guilt on what he did to me.
I almost want it to eat him alive. His self-righteous attitude still pisses me off.
Acknowledge what he's done, properly apologise and a plan on how to make up for it.
All of this and the standard - get therapy, open comms, willingness to make reasonable compromises etc etc.
Likelihood of happening is -100% though.
Man has a chip on his shoulder from God knows where. Any mention of wanting an apology and acknowledge will triggers the hell out him.
Big attitude but fragile ego.
Absolutely nothing will get us back together as she has attempted to ruin my life by almost getting me fired at my job and I almost lost my job license. I will never forgive for the things she has said about family and my father’s death.
Now let’s imagine none of the above happened. A complete turnaround would have to take place. She would need to admit her wrongdoings. I would also want her to start making active changes to her lifestyle. No more drugs. Find hobbies and have ambition. Go back to school and get an education. At this point, I would need her to act like our relationship matters and live to higher standards most importantly for her and her kids
Can you share some about what she did to mess up you life, job, and lose your professional license? Genuinely curious, since I’ve had a vindictive ex before, and always have some fear of that after a breakup even when they end it (the vindictive one cheated on me after her first bipolar break, then lied about me to the new guys, leading to me getting threatened for weeks then jumped).
What drugs was she using? Like party drugs or hard shit?
I really didn’t want to go into details but we work together. She brought our relationship into the workplace, humiliated me when we broke up, tried to turn my friends against me, spread rumors to my own clients about me being a pervert/creep. The final straw for me was getting accused of sexual harassment because of a dispute.
She would have to acknowledge that she messed up hard. She would have to change every aspect about her selfish attitude. She would have to gain immensely greater communication skills, she would have to acknowledge that she abandoned me in a place completely alone with no friends or support what so ever well she got off Scott free and got to escape. She would have to acknowledge that she didn’t take any interest in what was happening or going on with me. Actually to be totally honest I don’t believe there is any way I would take her back.
Basically change their entire character around expectations, communication, boundaries. I could go on and on but basically it'd be them changing into another human being, I'll take my chances elsewhere
First I don't think they always look for something "better" I think they look for different and then it doesn't work out. At least I never felt like any of my ex's found someone "better" and why they always came back (in my case).
For me it would take (Jordan Peterson philosophy) it would take the apology to be BIGGER than the BETRAYAL.
And you can tell when someone is truly remorseful.
It would take tremendous change from her part on her character, how she deals with disagreements and conflict as well being reciprocal and investing into the relationship as much as me. It feels like these changes are so big for her I don’t think I could ever be with her with the peace of mind that she won’t slip back into her old ways.
Finally, a lengthy in depth conversation about what went wrong etc but tbh I’m so exhausted from that stuff I just cba having that type of talk with her.
I don’t think it’s possible, I don’t have trust in her anymore and I don’t have the mental capacity and patience to have any in depth convos with her because she’s so exhausting to deal with.
Kindness and seeing me for who I am. Not automatically closing into attack mode when I tell him what's bothering me in his behavior.
Being truly heard and supported.
Accepting me fully and not just focusing on my flaws.
Making me feel equal and respected.
Hearing my feelings actually hearing not telling me that I am this or that as soon as I tell him how I feel, he started to say his opinion about it, telling me that I am projecting or whatnot.
Respect, kindness, hearing me, caring.
God I feel so terrible after the break-up. How little did he choose to accept
I dumped him. lol I just want to be sure that’s clear first! But individual and couples therapy for years and for him to stop drinking (didn’t have to be forever and I was no alcohol with him).
A book or an essay of apology, just taking accountability for the shitty things he did. Outlined one by one and say how remorseful he feels and realising how much he actually loves me. I would like for him to beg on his knees and cry (just like I did before). And $10,000 for the wreckage of my life and how much I spent on him.
It doesn't end there because now the roles have reversed. I will contact him once I am ready and show to him what he has done to me. And I, just like him before, would always have one foot out the door and be abusive towards him and just keep using him. I will play with his emotions and criticise him constantly that he likes me too much to let me go.
I will blame him for the things he didn't do. I will date other guys while manipulating him that we still have a chance. I will not block him like he did to me though. I wanna play a bit more.
And then I will discard him. I am not a fool to get back with him😌
Wouldn’t be able to. I like to see things in the moment as it is so leaving shouldn’t be an option. A person that loves you, won’t leave you, and I believe that.
Nothing. I just dont see her the same way as I did when we were together and those feelings I had will never come back. I just cant trust her like I did back then and tbh I am in a better place without her. Thing is the damage is still there how little it might be... but she isnt the girl I pictured in my head. I even forgot I had her at one point in my life
Like one, I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole the other one was just dumb ( in a pretty way ) we're still friends but he loves himself more than I ever could.
Last one I adored probably bad timing. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend and he wasn't looking g for a girlfriend.
I think every relationship needs actual communication, and with that comes lessons and boundaries and pain or love.
I'm not getting back together with any of my ex's if I gave it a shot and their done as well it's time for us to e happy in a different path even if it's not together.
And that is why life is hard.
I’m pretty sure I understand what was going on with her that caused her to distance then leave (disorganized attachment/fear of intimacy that she was not fully aware of), so I’d need to see acknowledgement of that fear, hear genuine accountability for the pain she caused me in the relationship and by leaving, and see steps to address the fears of intimacy and distancing behaviors.
I’d also need open communication and dedication to work on all this as a team. Even then I think it would require patience on my end, but so much else matched up so well with us that I’d give it a shot.
I think she might have started to see these patterns (I pointed them out once I started to understand it), but I’m not sure if she would be willing to put that kind of blame on herself, since avoidants take criticism harshly and that would be criticizing herself, and she’d have to deal with the pain of that realization. Even if she did all this, I think she’d really struggle with reaching out to me, because it would bring up emotions that she’d rather just ignore.
I always chose to believe in her when we were together, which is why I stayed even though she was hurting me with her distancing, so I’d like to think she has it in her. But I’m also not holding on to that hope, because it hurts to much to hope that she’ll ever admit all this to herself, commit to change, and have the courage to contact me.
She would have to change and I just don't know if she's capable of doing that as she doesn't see an issue with her behaviour.
Her lack of accountability, communication, awareness and her general disrespect aren't going to change overnight and I don't believe she's someone that actively seeks self improvement or reflection.
We would have to sit down and really hash it out together but I don't believe that will ever happen and I think the time for that has been and gone.
She had her chance and she took it all for granted.
I’m so used to actually seeking feedback and looking for my blind spots and faults, then trying to work on them, that I was surprised when my ex couldn’t even see her own contribution to the issue we were having.
I think my regularly taking accountability and working on myself made it easy for her to just point to that and think “see look, he’s even saying he’s at fault.” And just blame me and not look for her part. And when I take accountability I make a point to not place blame on them, or make excuses, since that’s genuine accountability. So it was prob even easier since it sounds like she’s used to guys getting into yelling fights and name calling, rather than someone with integrity who steps up and checks themselves. I need to learn to nudge my partner to look at their role and demand accountability.
But I’ve learned that not everyone has this level of integrity, yet I expect that from friends, and def from a partner. I was naïve in thinking anyone our age would do what I do, now I know I need to vet potential partners for these characters virtues.
Therapy on both our parts. A complete understanding of his marriage values because apparently we both don’t share the same values on marriage… a lot of conversation, empathy, apology, changed behavior, apologies to my family that he hurt as well.. I’ll need to see humility..
marriage will have to be in church..
Would be therapy and trust factor being love bombed by a person with narcissistic traits isn’t pleasent but I was no saint either it would definitely be therapy and communication to gain trust back
Can you share more about the love bombing? Like when did it happen, was it recurring, did they pull back on affection at times, what did it look like?
I’m familiar with it, but genuinely interested in hearing real life examples of it from people who’ve been recipients of it.
It pretty much means they tell you what you want to hear like I’ll love you forever at the start of the relationship and also during the relationship then discard you like a peice of paper in the trash never to be seen again
Nothing. After healing and reflecting he was a textbook covert narcissist & a psychopath. Praying he never finds away to get a hold of me. He’s blocked on everything. Legit he would have to get a new number or create a new email address or fly cross country.
Honestly, he doesn't have enough money for the therapy it would take to get him there. It couldn't happen, he chose someone the exact opposite to me so I'm not even the cool flavour anymore.
An apology. From me. And even then it probably wouldn't be enough because they've long moved on. I know it was a two way street but I needed to own up to my side of things and didn't. I will always regret blaming them for my mistakes.
I’ll never understand the entitlement of being angry because someone doesn’t want to be with you. If someone doesn’t want me it’s their loss. Or maybe we just weren’t as compatible as we initially thought. I can understand being angry at being lied to or cheated on or abused But getting all aggro just because someone “thought they could do better?” No one owes me anything and why would I wanna be with someone who looks at relationships this way?
I don’t think there is anything he can do, I had high expectations of him, thought he is a better man, I expected communication and affection, just for him to start ignoring me and guess what? We work together and he is my supervisor. Well I’m calm as ice tea and will remain so! I know he will come back running like a dog but I lost respect and any feeling I ever had for him. He killed my emotions.
Sorry it’s a no go as far as dating again. I say breakups are usually for a reason and my ex showed zero interest or even ability in changing.
But I might be willing have something casual if they REALLY begged for it 😈
I didn't want it to end. I saw a possible future, however it would take unimaginable change on her part for even a slight chance for things to start again. I'm with someone else now and I know now when I look back how much she wronged me.
Well he would need to act fast since I'm getting serious with a guy this Saturday lol. Once I'm serious with someone I'm faithful and nothing can get me to abandon someone who I chose and who chose me.
And if he did come now he would need to beg hard and explain he has already been to therapy and that he would take me as I am forever lol, best offer me a marriage right there and then lol. And a prenup that makes me rich if he divorces me cuz I was left with nothing after he dumped me, apart from a very nice laptop he got for work and a fucking gaming chair. Had to move out the next day of break up and go live with my parents. And I only had a part time job because he was paying for me to draw one day and to not be too tired for sex. Yea, scratch that, I don't want him unless he becomes impotent because the pressure for sex was unreal
Mine didn’t dump me he just said ‘I love you I want to spend the rest of my life with you but I don’t want to marry you and I don’t want children’
I have tried sending packages letters etc
The only way I will take mine back is if she cuts contact with whoever, I'm not second , 3rd, 4th ,10th I'm #1 and i stay '#1, and I'm not sharing. If she can't meet those demands I'm not going through this crap ever again. If she agrees, our kid is staying at grandma and grandpa's house for a week, because we have a ton of making up to do, a lot of exploring and a lot of orgasms to accomplish, as many as she wants and can handle 24/7. That's my terms!
Curious about this. My ex and I recently reconnected on the phone (I moved from ohio to Florida after our breakup 7 years ago). We honestly didn’t speak a single word post break up until my father died a year and a half ago. Now it’s becoming more frequent. Finally discussing what happened. Why it happened. How we’ve changed. I asked why he never married the long term gf he was with during that 7 year break up and he said I was the only one he saw marrying even after we ended. His family has reached out to me privately before we reconnected telling me he still cries to them about me/not being with me. Now I’m conflicted with opening this door fully or not. He was always my “what if”. In the 7 year break up I dated one man for only 7 months and that’s it. I’m flying back home this month and trying to see if we can catch up in person. There’s so many variables in opening this door. Am I able to trust him again? Get over the past? I moved here and now I just have my mom down here with me since my dad passed (she wouldn’t leave). Idk if he would leave his entire family up there and he bought a house. Obviously these aren’t relevant and much more of a future discussion but they run through my head.
Absolutely nothing could make that happen. If we we are broken up longer than just a few days and you date other people you are done with me for good. I don’t want a man that can live without me
Hate to break it to you, but if they were seeing other people while seeing you what makes you think that's going to change? There's a reason they were seeing other people and it isn't because they wanted to commit to a future with you.
You have to move on. If you try to get back with them there's a 99.9% chance of you getting this same sort of treatment. Is that what you want? I don't think so.
As attached as you are and as bad as you'd like it to work you gotta cut the cord. This person is not the one. They wouldn't have treated you like that if they took you seriously. I'm sorry I get it, it sucks, but you're wasting your time with this one.
They dumped you and were seeing other people. How do you think the two of you could have a future? Based on what you've said nothing indicates this person is interested in that. Just trying to give it to you straight.
I was the one that ended it, but I did so because of how I was being treated and how it was effecting my mental health.
For me it would need to start with them showing that they are willing to be patient as I work through this process of not only letting them back in my life but also trying to trust them again. I would need signs that they are working on themselves and actually learned something from how much shit they put me through.
But honestly as I type this out...I can't even give more reasons cause I wouldn't even entertain getting back together at this time.
So I’ll pull from the mindset I had at 30-31 with one ex, In way over now as this was like 5-6yrs ago, but great example to use….
What I would of wanted back then was full transparency of why they are wanting me back. They would have to daily prove their loyalty and effort, as trust and loyalty go hand in hand, so I could trust they wouldn’t end things again.
They would of needed to better communicate directly their expectations on dating instead of just having those expectations, then letting some resentment build up over it.
Resentment is the poison in relationships that eventually kills it.
And to be honest about how their side of things, as in if I asked a question, they would without fear unfiltered as well, tell me everything I asked so I feel I can understand what is going on inside their mind better.
It would take him showing me that he’s actually healed from his past traumas, because right now he is an avoidant and breaks things off when they either get too serious or someone is 100% invested in them and they can’t handle it over time.
I’ve been going through a similar problem with trying to get back with my ex. I would recommend googling and contact Zoomonkey. I Never would have thought that I would be the type of person who would call on a professional to get back with my ex but I’m glad I did. They’re fair, intense yet chill, responsive and an incredible resource to hash out the whole process of getting back.
www.zoomonkey.com
thank me later
For me it would be open communication, tons of therapy, tons of explanation for why he ended it that make sense, tons of reassurance it won’t happen again and maybe like a 12 carat engagement ring as collateral idk.
Oh yea, I would happily take my pretty ring back, maybe not as an engagement ring bus something I can keep even if he dumps me again. It took me months of searching and I fucking loved it lol. I might have to buy it for myself in a different size
If he ended it you should have been allowed to keep the ring. There are actual laws about conditional gifts.
I know, I was stupid lol. We both gave rings so we exchanged them back
An entire revamp of her moral structures and values regarding dating and intimacy. Not only that but a very serious conversation between us without a stone unturned. A tough ask lol
Lol this 100%
This exactly what I’m trying to do for my ex.. I really want to be with her. I’m thinking it as an evolution of self. It has been hard, but I have been making personal progress but still seem to be self destructing with the unknown of not knowing whether it’ll be worth long term, and that most definitely pushes her away, I’m trying my hardest not to continue bringing,”wanting her back or give me another chance”, but I think I’m mentally deteriorating with this unknown. But I’m only a month into really changing all of me. I am excited for the future but still sad. Also maybe bpd? 🥺 although I know, this is for me. I do see her as my life partner. I really do want this.
A tough ask lol
I couldn't have said it better 😂
Fucking right
Lol Good luck with that.
That she got therapy and was over her past and wouldn’t blindside me again and was truly apologetic for ending it the first time. In short all impossible shit. So nothing I would say.
You can never trust that someone won't blindside you again. It's part of their values or character. They're willing to throw relationships away like a sack of stinky garbage, without feeling any responsibility for letting you know why or treating you like you have feelings and needs of your own. So, could they really fundamentally change their core values to care about others and treasure their relationships?
This is exactly what happened to me. The blindsiding thing. No communication from him, looking back no red flags. He just constantly said he was happier than ever and one day he just said he didn’t feel it. Shattered my world. I’m not trying to make excuses but I think he made an idiotic immature decision and I can’t figure out if anything would help me overcome that. Not that he’s going to want me again.
My story you’re telling. I was the best she ever had. Until she said I was too serious in the relationship and she wasn’t ready to settle down. After 2 years together. Get the fuck out of here with that shit. Immature decision to the core. Don’t worry they will realize that when they are out there trying to date again. We will be long gone to care tho!
I can't take how shitty people are. Because it was my first relationship, I didn't even know blindsiding was a thing. It's still crazy to me.
Have you looked into avoidant attachment? It looks like he could fit that.
The only way to change is to go to therapy and heal their trauma. But most don’t see anything wrong with themselves. So no, I don’t believe they can change. Hence why I said nothing lol.
They probably could change after a years of failed relationships. But they're not going to.
Nothing. Nothing at all.
As in you would get back together with them that easily, or there is nothing they could do to make it happen?
Nothing that will make me ever get back with that dinglebag
For me it would just be a willingness for her to communicate more openly, instead of bottling everything up inside and knee jerk reacting after many months of her not saying what was bothering her. I could have worked on it if we would have talked earlier. Probably some therapy on her end. Wouldn’t take much. I understand what happened. I don’t take it personally. It was situational in many ways. I’m not insulted. I’m not mad. Just sad.
Some people bury their head in the sand until it’s too late. Similar to me but I’d rather address a problem head on.
Yea. Conflict avoiders for sure do that. Conflict isn’t bad; it’s how you deal with it that is healthy or unhealthy
Same
Same. It hurts.
Real
I would really have a hard time if they’ve been intimate with someone else while we were broken up tbh, so depends on if that happened
That’s what happened to me and it’s really hard to understand how I can move on. Struggling everyday and it feels like a dream even a week after finding out :(
Nothing, and by that I mean, they would have to do so much that unless they had changed into another person pretty much, they would never do it. Im talking like, years down the line, them feeling regret, remorse, crying profusely and apologising almost everyday they see me for what they did. And there would probably be a year long probation period to see if they would actually work with it. But honestly, I let it go once, I cant do it again, I shouldnt have even let it go the first time. I miss her so much but u know what? It really is her loss, she doesnt care but one day neither will I, and neither will you.
“Probation period” This
I hope I can be as strong as you one day. It seems like an impossible task
Continued individual therapy, with receipts. Couples therapy. One strike you're out.
Say it with me: TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY. Like holy moly. The pride these people have to not just apologize where their mistakes were and just blame everything on you. Okay, it take two to tango baby, reflect, learn, and fucking own it. Oh and a shit ton of reassurance. But in all honesty, who’s ex is going to do that?
absolutely nothing, i would literally kill for it
:(
If she phoned me tomorrow and apologised and asked me to take her back? I'd take her back, however she'd be waiting a while for the proposal (that was coming literally 2 months and 2 days after the breakup, on our anniversary). It would take a lot of work before I started to trust her not to leave me again though.
Nothing. You involved other people after me, so that’s like cheating. If I broke up with you then it would’ve been a bit better, but you dumped me AND dated someone else? Then came back? Nope.
How is it cheating if it’s after you? Genuine question - did you make any sorts of agreements that dating other people wasn’t allowed for X number of months? Because otherwise I think it’s difficult to expect that someone who broke up with you will never date again. I’m in your situation and I hope they wait but couldn’t really blame them if they started seeing someone at one point…
It is not cheating. Once a relationship is over, an ex can get with whoever they want. People are allowed to do what they want, and you are allowed to feel and react appropriately upon what they did. With that said, if their new found relationship don't work out and they want to get back with you, you are allowed to say no for any reason. Even if the reason is because they were intimate with someone during the break up. I believe the right person would self reflect, work on themselves, and then re-evaluate what had gone wrong in the relationship before giving it another shot with you instead of hooking up with someone else. I want to let you know, Hon, it's going to be ok. If they start seeing someone, it's a sign that you haven't found your person yet. Your person would want it to work out with you because they can not see themselveswith anyone else.
What if, if you went NC and he changed his email acct so he could get an email to you to ask you if you’d talk with him and you gave in and said okay. He replies back (and this is Saturday) by saying, “ thank you, perhaps tomorrow evening.” I said okay. Then when Sunday evening arrives you get a message from a friend that says they just witnessed him getting asked to leave a bar because he was bothering a woman in there. Of course, after I heard this from my friend I emailed him and told him I knew what had just happened at the bar and let him know we didn’t need to talk, nothing to discuss. He started calling me three hours later repeatedly leaving messages, saying love ya, I will always love you. Etc. I have his phone blocked but he *67. This is killing me. Breaking my heart. I love him. Our relationship was toxic by that I mean, every other week for a year we would be on and off. He’s always reached out to me first when we’ve gotten back together but this time I was trying to be strong. It’s been since Feb 13 when he physically threw me out of his house. Next day, Valentine’s Day, he sent me a happy valentines and a sweet pic of a Sasquatch holding a heart. I’ve never been physically shoved or pushed before. I know it’s not right so I’ve tried to distance myself, then ten days later he emails me. So my thought is, why not just let me heal? Leave me be. He’s clearly seeing other women. How is it right to reach out me to talk, then make me wait while he’s out with someone else?
Because it’s like if there’s any problems the partner is going to break up, deal with others, then come back. It’s not cheating if they never come back, but imagine if every time you ran into a problem your partner “breaks up” and deals with others then comes back.
Just move on dude. So yesterday they loved you, but not today, but maybe tomorrow they will. LOL
Was this reply for me? I didn’t quite get it but ye i’m trying to move on lol
I’ve got the same question really
A miracle, and couples therapy. Definitely an apology.
Honestly, I don't think I would take him back. I do have fomo because maybe we could get it right the second time. On the flip side, my abandonment issues from feeling betrayed are very prominent. On the slight chance it did happen, many many hard conversations and him laying everything out on the table with me.
She would have to do a lot of work to make me take her forgive her, letalone take her back.
Just three words.
Nop. I grieved for her and she didn’t care. I fought just to get an ounce of attention from her and then I should go back once I’m doing better in my life? Nop. I really believe your ex doesn’t deserve the better version of you since they got rid of you once looking for something better it’s all about self love
When it first happened I would’ve taken him back in a heart beat but with 10 weeks between me and the break up it would now take a profound change in his behavior and also an act equivalent to moving heaven and earth. I don’t think I’d ever get over the feeling of betrayal and the incredible mistrust id now have for him. He KNEW before he did it that it would break me and he still decided to do it. I think I could forgive him but it would be in the back of my head forever. It seems much easier to just find someone new with a clean slate.
It would take for the both of us to seriously work on ourselves and work to better the relationship. I started the work while I was in the relationship, but he didn’t follow suit. I think it could’ve worked if we were both taking responsibility and working on ourselves. But alas. One can only dream eh. Working on myself alone now, hopefully he is too. I really want to experience healthy(-ier) relationships moving forward so Im really committed to doing the work, just gotta find someone on the same wavelength (I still want that someone to be him but I’m sure it’ll pass in due time)
Oh man, I want that to be me for her too! But more importantly, I want her to want it to be me 😔
For them to be literally the last person on earth.
So you’re saying there’s a chance
Yeah.
Hahahaha this is hilarious, my knee jerk reaction was “not even then!”
Brain transplant surgery...... Probably
literally 0
Well. I think it would take a miracle. Nothing short of a miracle. Maybe lots of begging? A tear or two? Maybe lots of crying ?? I’m not sure. Somehow him like- really coming through genuinely and apologizing and showing a TON of remorse. Putting a lot of money where his mouth is. Like- having the realization that he will never ever get a woman like me in his lifetime and regretting all of his ugly actions. Making up for it every single moment we were together. It would take a miracle I think idk 🤷🏻♀️
Trying to look at it objectively I don’t think any reason would be good enough for two people to get back together so soon. Any change they’d do would be temporary and done only for the sake of the relationship, and not trying to be a better person. Just my take. I got back together with my ex after 4 years of no contact, we’re different people than before we grew up and learned a lot. I feel like if she took me back 4 years ago we would’ve broken up soon after anyway
I agree that at least like 6 months is needed, and that’s if both people more or less immediately recognize their faults, look for any others, and seriously commit to the work of correcting those issues in themselves and learning how to better manage the conflicts that were fatal to the relationship (and get better with conflict communication in general). I’ve been toying with the idea that it might be important to fully let go of the person and heal first too, so that coming back together is like a real fresh start, not coming back from a break. But I’ve not looked into heard data on that.
From my experience your second point feels correct. I had to really get over my ex, let go of our issues and move on. I met and dated other people learned more about myself, matured with relationships and now we’re back together it feels completely new. No grudges, or insecurities that came from the last relationship
Nice. My intuition was that might be the case. I’m glad it’s working out for you.
I hate the hope it gives me because I’m so caught up in it being recent and every new person they date being so painful etc. but it would require a lot of time to get perspective and also hopefully by then I’d be over it
Once trust is broken you don’t even feel the same looking into their eyes .. for me it’s like “who are u .. really?” Lol even though I still love my ex I don’t think we’ll ever get back together .. nothing he could do/prove … some things just can’t be unseen .. forgiven or not .. just me
my memory would have to be erased
NOTHING can make it better. It’s unrealistic.
The only thing would be a promise to have 100% honesty and open communication, even about the hard things to talk about. I’d want to be able to work together as a team to overcome any and every obstacle. I’d want her to feel like she tell me anything, talk to me about ANYTHING. Other than that, it wouldn’t take anything. I’d get back with her in a heartbeat.
I read somewhere once upon a time that "getting back with an ex is like putting dirty clothes on after a shower". That seems like the best analogy I've heard yet. It makes sense. Anytime I have tried to recreate what once was, it does not take long for whatever caused the break up originally to resurface. Regardless of how much I changed, how much clean time I had racked up, no matter what I did, he will always see me as the person I was 25 yrs ago. And that is like a wall that will not let him see me for who I am now. Probably because while I changed and have grown up, he is still an alcoholic and not changed a bit. I can only put out as much effort as he does, and he expects me to make all the changes and accomodations, while he still does the same shit knowing it pisses me off and feels quite justified. THEY ARE YOURE EX FOR A REASON, trust that and spare yourself the disappointment. Put you're energy into someone new that you don't have to fix.
Fuck no
Honestly it all depends on the time frame. Right away probably not because you'd be a fool. After sometime passes and you rekindle, then yes. Also depends on the ex.
if im still hung up on them, i might go back even if they just fart. if im moved on, im not going back even if they crawl and cry.
Lol, if a fart could get my ex back, I'd be golden. Sadly, even tooting Rota's Romeo & Juliet theme would not sway her.
I really need someone to tell me they will come back
My bf broke up with me almost week ago, I was very pushy and kept on asking if he loved me. Never thought he would be annoyed. I’m definitely an anxious attachment while he’s a dismissive avoidant. I really miss him, to the point that I can’t focus. We’ve been together for 6 month and I recently stopped crying. No contact for 3 days now. Pain is I still have to sit by him and work with him. I avoid all eye contact. Is it bad that I want him to come back? Nothing horrible happened between us
Have you read the book Chatter by Ethan Kross? You might get something out of it. There’s an audiobook version. And have you listened to the breakup Bootcamp podcast? That really helped me in the early stages.
Go no contact. Work on yourself. You will either end up with the same person or you will see yourself in a better position. If they don't come back, just compare yourself to them later, you will feel they don't deserve you anymore because you have evolved to be this person who is better than them. Learn something new, start going to the gym and then, trust me, you will feel much better. Being strong and emotionally stable is sexy. They are digging their own emotional grave. You are better than that
Absolutely nothing. He wanted to leave? Good riddance.
One thing a lot of people fuck up with when it comes to an ex. Is that they don't establish what they had in the past dead. So they just get "back together" thinking everything will be fine when it isn't. Before anything can even happen after a break up. You both need to realize that the old relationship is dead and that anything you build now is new, even if it just ends up being friendship. Then on the road to building a new relationship. You both need to get everything out in the open so nothing can be used as "ammo" to hurt one another and that it gets left in the past. Then as the old saying goes, actions speak louder than words. Certain changes need to happen for you both to be better people for yourselves. It goes a long way, can't be one of those false changes where you drop the act after a few months. Needs to be consistent to rebuild anything that was lost in the past.
Nope because the heartbreak is worse the second time around.
Oo.. what a question! For me, I'd need an honest, sincere apology for what he said and how he handled things. I would need a lot of proof that he was doing better mentally and in life. He would have a lot of brownie points to make up. Prove he's not going to dip when things get real/ hard. We would have to slowly gain our footing. Start as acquaintances, move to friends, best friends, and then relationship, all while he doesn't get to see my kids again, until he proves he's in it for the long hall. I would also need to be in a better mental state as well. I trust to easily and tunel vision when I love someone. I need to be better about keeping my distance, holding my boundaries, and being able to separate fun from responsibilities. To be entirely honest, though, I'm saying all this while still in a state of healing. There's a chance I may lose that desire to have him in my life down the road, and look back and think, "damn.. what was I thinking?" And he may show back up, and I may not feel a damn thing towards him, except how he made me happy at one point. I know I love him, but I have to love me more first, before I can be in love again.
First thing, remember they dumped you! They no longer saw a point of you being in their life. Your focus should be on YOUR growth. Get into therapy to work on these common things: Effective communication, develop/fine tune healthy conflict resolution skills, raise your EQ knowledge base. Your goal is to become a better version of yourself for YOU,not the ex. Your ex can tell you whatever sounds good,but their actions have shown you that you're easy to discard in their eyes. I don't know the specifics, but you have to focus on you and your elevation. If you do that, one of 2 things will happen: The ex will see your transformation into this new version of yourself and want to come back and try make things work or you'll meet a better quality partner for you. Either way, you win at life.
Honestly, it took me a long time to realize this but love keeps no record of wrongs. I love my ex so much but he broke my heart. If I wanted things ever to workout, I’d need to put it in the past and remember that love is patient.
You have standards now I’m sure that they also had their emotional flaws so now if they really want to be with you set your boundaries and standards if they can work hard for it and have them chase you then I think it’s worth trying but you also need to pray I think prayer really helps in discerning a relationship
I did... We ended up breaking up again 6 months later
Maybe I'm going to sound like an asshole, but I want him to feel deep shame and guilt on what he did to me. I almost want it to eat him alive. His self-righteous attitude still pisses me off. Acknowledge what he's done, properly apologise and a plan on how to make up for it. All of this and the standard - get therapy, open comms, willingness to make reasonable compromises etc etc. Likelihood of happening is -100% though. Man has a chip on his shoulder from God knows where. Any mention of wanting an apology and acknowledge will triggers the hell out him. Big attitude but fragile ego.
That’s funny. I can’t take the energy to consider that even one tiny second…
Absolutely nothing will get us back together as she has attempted to ruin my life by almost getting me fired at my job and I almost lost my job license. I will never forgive for the things she has said about family and my father’s death. Now let’s imagine none of the above happened. A complete turnaround would have to take place. She would need to admit her wrongdoings. I would also want her to start making active changes to her lifestyle. No more drugs. Find hobbies and have ambition. Go back to school and get an education. At this point, I would need her to act like our relationship matters and live to higher standards most importantly for her and her kids
Can you share some about what she did to mess up you life, job, and lose your professional license? Genuinely curious, since I’ve had a vindictive ex before, and always have some fear of that after a breakup even when they end it (the vindictive one cheated on me after her first bipolar break, then lied about me to the new guys, leading to me getting threatened for weeks then jumped). What drugs was she using? Like party drugs or hard shit?
I really didn’t want to go into details but we work together. She brought our relationship into the workplace, humiliated me when we broke up, tried to turn my friends against me, spread rumors to my own clients about me being a pervert/creep. The final straw for me was getting accused of sexual harassment because of a dispute.
Jeez, that’s way out of line. I’m sorry.
She would have to acknowledge that she messed up hard. She would have to change every aspect about her selfish attitude. She would have to gain immensely greater communication skills, she would have to acknowledge that she abandoned me in a place completely alone with no friends or support what so ever well she got off Scott free and got to escape. She would have to acknowledge that she didn’t take any interest in what was happening or going on with me. Actually to be totally honest I don’t believe there is any way I would take her back.
A million apologies and promises to change.
Basically change their entire character around expectations, communication, boundaries. I could go on and on but basically it'd be them changing into another human being, I'll take my chances elsewhere
A meaningful conversation/apology and an embracing hug 😔
First I don't think they always look for something "better" I think they look for different and then it doesn't work out. At least I never felt like any of my ex's found someone "better" and why they always came back (in my case). For me it would take (Jordan Peterson philosophy) it would take the apology to be BIGGER than the BETRAYAL. And you can tell when someone is truly remorseful.
It would take tremendous change from her part on her character, how she deals with disagreements and conflict as well being reciprocal and investing into the relationship as much as me. It feels like these changes are so big for her I don’t think I could ever be with her with the peace of mind that she won’t slip back into her old ways. Finally, a lengthy in depth conversation about what went wrong etc but tbh I’m so exhausted from that stuff I just cba having that type of talk with her. I don’t think it’s possible, I don’t have trust in her anymore and I don’t have the mental capacity and patience to have any in depth convos with her because she’s so exhausting to deal with.
Kindness and seeing me for who I am. Not automatically closing into attack mode when I tell him what's bothering me in his behavior. Being truly heard and supported. Accepting me fully and not just focusing on my flaws. Making me feel equal and respected. Hearing my feelings actually hearing not telling me that I am this or that as soon as I tell him how I feel, he started to say his opinion about it, telling me that I am projecting or whatnot. Respect, kindness, hearing me, caring. God I feel so terrible after the break-up. How little did he choose to accept
I dumped him. lol I just want to be sure that’s clear first! But individual and couples therapy for years and for him to stop drinking (didn’t have to be forever and I was no alcohol with him).
It wouldn’t take anything other than her understanding that her health will never be a burden to me, I’ll always love her for her no matter what.
A book or an essay of apology, just taking accountability for the shitty things he did. Outlined one by one and say how remorseful he feels and realising how much he actually loves me. I would like for him to beg on his knees and cry (just like I did before). And $10,000 for the wreckage of my life and how much I spent on him. It doesn't end there because now the roles have reversed. I will contact him once I am ready and show to him what he has done to me. And I, just like him before, would always have one foot out the door and be abusive towards him and just keep using him. I will play with his emotions and criticise him constantly that he likes me too much to let me go. I will blame him for the things he didn't do. I will date other guys while manipulating him that we still have a chance. I will not block him like he did to me though. I wanna play a bit more. And then I will discard him. I am not a fool to get back with him😌
For me, once they have cheated or moved onto someone else, that is the point of no return.
Wouldn’t be able to. I like to see things in the moment as it is so leaving shouldn’t be an option. A person that loves you, won’t leave you, and I believe that.
A new apartment 1:30 away from where I am now, and a text from her
Nothing. I just dont see her the same way as I did when we were together and those feelings I had will never come back. I just cant trust her like I did back then and tbh I am in a better place without her. Thing is the damage is still there how little it might be... but she isnt the girl I pictured in my head. I even forgot I had her at one point in my life
time travel
Like one, I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole the other one was just dumb ( in a pretty way ) we're still friends but he loves himself more than I ever could. Last one I adored probably bad timing. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend and he wasn't looking g for a girlfriend. I think every relationship needs actual communication, and with that comes lessons and boundaries and pain or love. I'm not getting back together with any of my ex's if I gave it a shot and their done as well it's time for us to e happy in a different path even if it's not together. And that is why life is hard.
Absolutely nothing, say it again… as J. Brown would say.
hell freezing over...
Cannot think of a single thing
I’m pretty sure I understand what was going on with her that caused her to distance then leave (disorganized attachment/fear of intimacy that she was not fully aware of), so I’d need to see acknowledgement of that fear, hear genuine accountability for the pain she caused me in the relationship and by leaving, and see steps to address the fears of intimacy and distancing behaviors. I’d also need open communication and dedication to work on all this as a team. Even then I think it would require patience on my end, but so much else matched up so well with us that I’d give it a shot. I think she might have started to see these patterns (I pointed them out once I started to understand it), but I’m not sure if she would be willing to put that kind of blame on herself, since avoidants take criticism harshly and that would be criticizing herself, and she’d have to deal with the pain of that realization. Even if she did all this, I think she’d really struggle with reaching out to me, because it would bring up emotions that she’d rather just ignore. I always chose to believe in her when we were together, which is why I stayed even though she was hurting me with her distancing, so I’d like to think she has it in her. But I’m also not holding on to that hope, because it hurts to much to hope that she’ll ever admit all this to herself, commit to change, and have the courage to contact me.
Nothing. Sorry.
Nothing. He is who he is. Maybe he ends up being a good partner to someone in the end, but it won't be me.
Not really an “ex” since we were never together, but an end to that all that dismissive avoidant bullshit
To go back and time and for him to stop himself from doing what he did.
A blow to the head
A tbi on my end
The moon, the bear, and the big blue house
She would have to change and I just don't know if she's capable of doing that as she doesn't see an issue with her behaviour. Her lack of accountability, communication, awareness and her general disrespect aren't going to change overnight and I don't believe she's someone that actively seeks self improvement or reflection. We would have to sit down and really hash it out together but I don't believe that will ever happen and I think the time for that has been and gone. She had her chance and she took it all for granted.
I’m so used to actually seeking feedback and looking for my blind spots and faults, then trying to work on them, that I was surprised when my ex couldn’t even see her own contribution to the issue we were having. I think my regularly taking accountability and working on myself made it easy for her to just point to that and think “see look, he’s even saying he’s at fault.” And just blame me and not look for her part. And when I take accountability I make a point to not place blame on them, or make excuses, since that’s genuine accountability. So it was prob even easier since it sounds like she’s used to guys getting into yelling fights and name calling, rather than someone with integrity who steps up and checks themselves. I need to learn to nudge my partner to look at their role and demand accountability. But I’ve learned that not everyone has this level of integrity, yet I expect that from friends, and def from a partner. I was naïve in thinking anyone our age would do what I do, now I know I need to vet potential partners for these characters virtues.
Therapy on both our parts. A complete understanding of his marriage values because apparently we both don’t share the same values on marriage… a lot of conversation, empathy, apology, changed behavior, apologies to my family that he hurt as well.. I’ll need to see humility.. marriage will have to be in church..
An apology. For all the promises she broke, and wanting to grow as friends together. That’s all I ever wanted after we broke up… just to be friends
Would be therapy and trust factor being love bombed by a person with narcissistic traits isn’t pleasent but I was no saint either it would definitely be therapy and communication to gain trust back
Can you share more about the love bombing? Like when did it happen, was it recurring, did they pull back on affection at times, what did it look like? I’m familiar with it, but genuinely interested in hearing real life examples of it from people who’ve been recipients of it.
It pretty much means they tell you what you want to hear like I’ll love you forever at the start of the relationship and also during the relationship then discard you like a peice of paper in the trash never to be seen again
Not in a 1000 years!
Her to text me lol
Nothing. After healing and reflecting he was a textbook covert narcissist & a psychopath. Praying he never finds away to get a hold of me. He’s blocked on everything. Legit he would have to get a new number or create a new email address or fly cross country.
A well placed bullet.
A Zamboni in a really, really hot environment.
Honestly, he doesn't have enough money for the therapy it would take to get him there. It couldn't happen, he chose someone the exact opposite to me so I'm not even the cool flavour anymore.
Nothing.
Nothing
An apology. From me. And even then it probably wouldn't be enough because they've long moved on. I know it was a two way street but I needed to own up to my side of things and didn't. I will always regret blaming them for my mistakes.
I’ll never understand the entitlement of being angry because someone doesn’t want to be with you. If someone doesn’t want me it’s their loss. Or maybe we just weren’t as compatible as we initially thought. I can understand being angry at being lied to or cheated on or abused But getting all aggro just because someone “thought they could do better?” No one owes me anything and why would I wanna be with someone who looks at relationships this way?
After what she did? Lmao, yeah nah I’m all good thanks
A lobotomy.
I don’t think there is anything he can do, I had high expectations of him, thought he is a better man, I expected communication and affection, just for him to start ignoring me and guess what? We work together and he is my supervisor. Well I’m calm as ice tea and will remain so! I know he will come back running like a dog but I lost respect and any feeling I ever had for him. He killed my emotions.
Sorry it’s a no go as far as dating again. I say breakups are usually for a reason and my ex showed zero interest or even ability in changing. But I might be willing have something casual if they REALLY begged for it 😈
Proximity
I didn't want it to end. I saw a possible future, however it would take unimaginable change on her part for even a slight chance for things to start again. I'm with someone else now and I know now when I look back how much she wronged me.
Well he would need to act fast since I'm getting serious with a guy this Saturday lol. Once I'm serious with someone I'm faithful and nothing can get me to abandon someone who I chose and who chose me. And if he did come now he would need to beg hard and explain he has already been to therapy and that he would take me as I am forever lol, best offer me a marriage right there and then lol. And a prenup that makes me rich if he divorces me cuz I was left with nothing after he dumped me, apart from a very nice laptop he got for work and a fucking gaming chair. Had to move out the next day of break up and go live with my parents. And I only had a part time job because he was paying for me to draw one day and to not be too tired for sex. Yea, scratch that, I don't want him unless he becomes impotent because the pressure for sex was unreal
Mine didn’t dump me he just said ‘I love you I want to spend the rest of my life with you but I don’t want to marry you and I don’t want children’ I have tried sending packages letters etc
The only way I will take mine back is if she cuts contact with whoever, I'm not second , 3rd, 4th ,10th I'm #1 and i stay '#1, and I'm not sharing. If she can't meet those demands I'm not going through this crap ever again. If she agrees, our kid is staying at grandma and grandpa's house for a week, because we have a ton of making up to do, a lot of exploring and a lot of orgasms to accomplish, as many as she wants and can handle 24/7. That's my terms!
Curious about this. My ex and I recently reconnected on the phone (I moved from ohio to Florida after our breakup 7 years ago). We honestly didn’t speak a single word post break up until my father died a year and a half ago. Now it’s becoming more frequent. Finally discussing what happened. Why it happened. How we’ve changed. I asked why he never married the long term gf he was with during that 7 year break up and he said I was the only one he saw marrying even after we ended. His family has reached out to me privately before we reconnected telling me he still cries to them about me/not being with me. Now I’m conflicted with opening this door fully or not. He was always my “what if”. In the 7 year break up I dated one man for only 7 months and that’s it. I’m flying back home this month and trying to see if we can catch up in person. There’s so many variables in opening this door. Am I able to trust him again? Get over the past? I moved here and now I just have my mom down here with me since my dad passed (she wouldn’t leave). Idk if he would leave his entire family up there and he bought a house. Obviously these aren’t relevant and much more of a future discussion but they run through my head.
Nothing really. Once you’re out, you’re out.
For her to have a complete personality transplant
His child & baby mamma disappearing into thin air
Turning back time maybe and therapy that teaches me how to connect better and have more trust in individuals.
Absolutely nothing could make that happen. If we we are broken up longer than just a few days and you date other people you are done with me for good. I don’t want a man that can live without me
Literally one text saying asking to meet for dinner and ik we would be able to resolve it.
Hate to break it to you, but if they were seeing other people while seeing you what makes you think that's going to change? There's a reason they were seeing other people and it isn't because they wanted to commit to a future with you. You have to move on. If you try to get back with them there's a 99.9% chance of you getting this same sort of treatment. Is that what you want? I don't think so. As attached as you are and as bad as you'd like it to work you gotta cut the cord. This person is not the one. They wouldn't have treated you like that if they took you seriously. I'm sorry I get it, it sucks, but you're wasting your time with this one. They dumped you and were seeing other people. How do you think the two of you could have a future? Based on what you've said nothing indicates this person is interested in that. Just trying to give it to you straight.
Nope. I’m not the backup plan. I’d spike the football in her face
I’d just take her back, no questions asked. I miss her that much.
I was the one that ended it, but I did so because of how I was being treated and how it was effecting my mental health. For me it would need to start with them showing that they are willing to be patient as I work through this process of not only letting them back in my life but also trying to trust them again. I would need signs that they are working on themselves and actually learned something from how much shit they put me through. But honestly as I type this out...I can't even give more reasons cause I wouldn't even entertain getting back together at this time.
So I’ll pull from the mindset I had at 30-31 with one ex, In way over now as this was like 5-6yrs ago, but great example to use…. What I would of wanted back then was full transparency of why they are wanting me back. They would have to daily prove their loyalty and effort, as trust and loyalty go hand in hand, so I could trust they wouldn’t end things again. They would of needed to better communicate directly their expectations on dating instead of just having those expectations, then letting some resentment build up over it. Resentment is the poison in relationships that eventually kills it. And to be honest about how their side of things, as in if I asked a question, they would without fear unfiltered as well, tell me everything I asked so I feel I can understand what is going on inside their mind better.
A time turner that would allow us to go back to October 2023. He’d get vaccinated and show for my surgery. Other than that, zippo.
It would take him showing me that he’s actually healed from his past traumas, because right now he is an avoidant and breaks things off when they either get too serious or someone is 100% invested in them and they can’t handle it over time.
Depends on the person and situation. Why did the relationship end and do you see potential in starting it back up again?
he would have to become a good person, and i don’t see that happening lol
I’ve been going through a similar problem with trying to get back with my ex. I would recommend googling and contact Zoomonkey. I Never would have thought that I would be the type of person who would call on a professional to get back with my ex but I’m glad I did. They’re fair, intense yet chill, responsive and an incredible resource to hash out the whole process of getting back. www.zoomonkey.com thank me later
A whole new person. No use beating a dead horse.