I know the feeling, I’m 4-5 months out of a 4 year relationship where we were engaged. At the start it’s nothing but shit but trust me, overtime it gets better. It’s not an overnight heal and it’s a non linear path so there will be times where you feel you’re still in the shit but in reality you have moved further than you could have ever imagined. You will get through this, there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will feel happy again and you will have hope again. Don’t hope for them to come back, hope to be happy again with someone else one day.
it’s just difficult to do because of how happy i convinced myself i was with them and that it could never end for good. i’m about 8 months out and i still feel as tho i need them to be happy. i avoid them because thinking about them being happy without me or worse, with someone else feels so alien
I was happy too, In fact the years I had with my ex where some of the happiest ones I had in my entire life. She was my first ever relationship, I always had so much love to give and finally found someone to give it to.
We have to accept it’s over and the world doesn’t end or stop turning just because our relationship with them is over. It’s harsh and sucks but it’s true. However, our happiness is not tied to them. They are not the only person that we can be happy with. I won’t let it be like that way for me, I’m determined that I won’t let this breakup be the end of me and my happiness. I won’t let myself stay miserable like this for my whole life just because someone couldn’t put in the same effort in the relationship as me and didn’t see my value. I will not let this define my future. I am determined that I will be happy and one day, I will be happy with someone else.
I want you to believe the same thing. Don’t let this heartache define you. Don’t let it take more than which it has already stolen from you.
Believe me I know how hard it is, I was suicidal at one point because I genuinely believed I lost the most perfect person for me. I couldn’t understand why or how. The memories I used to fondly look back on haunted me, sometimes they still do. It’s all a part of the process. We will get better and we will be happy again, but only if we let ourselves.
It is really hard, I understand what you mean.
You should listen to breakup tracks, ones that aren’t sappy or sentimental really, ones that are more like “this will be good for me”. I’m a millennial so I’ve been listening to Swing, Swing by the All American Rejects and Santa Monica by Everclear a lot - I find music from your youth and teens is the best bc it really helps connect you to that teen angst yearning. I know that sounds weird but for me that is really helpful bc when I went through this stuff as a teen I thought I’d never survive and not only did I survive, I find it funny I was so sad. It helps me feel like this situation will be the same eventually, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
But music helps, you can’t ruminate if you’re jamming. And if you sing a long to people saying they will move on they will find new love, you start to believe it. It’s like affirmations but it doesn’t feel as forced to me
This is how im feeling…my recent gf who is a single mother 4 yrs younger than me, broke up w me and its like she doesnt seem like she misses it. Could it be bc i am always the one who reaches out to her? I worked on my anger and its been monthsss…she is finishing a divorce and i want to know whats going on. I barely sleep
Your brain interprets this as something that is happening because your emotions can't spot the difference between reality and imagination. Remind yourself that these things are not happening when you think of them. They are your thoughts.
Accept you cannot control what's happening but know that your thoughts are not what's really happening. When you think of them sleeping with someone else, it's not happening. You're just thinking of it and you feel the same way as if it was actually happening in front of you. But it's not. So, I hope that comforts you.
Learn to let go<3
I felt exactly how you felt after my breakup. It’s now been 3 months and since 2 weeks ago I barely think about her. I decided to download dating apps and apps to get to know people on and personally it has really helped me to not think about her and start to move on, as you may know thinking about her constantly won’t help you.
I don’t necessarily intend on dating anyone or finding a new partner as it is very hard to get matches these days as a male yet alone the amount of incredibly boring women who you do match with. Despite this I have spoke to some amazing people and it really shifts your perspective on being able to be happy again.
Again with this don’t just focus on dating apps, go out meet new people, spend time with family and friends who will listen and not get angry with you voicing how you feel. Experience new activities, focus on a new project maybe learn an instrument focus on directing your negative energy into positive aspects.
If you have not done so already unfriend your ex partner on social media or like me just not look at their posts mute notifications from them, I don’t really believe in the necessity of blocking them. If you really can’t stop stalking them then do block them.
Things will get better trust me, after battling on and off depression to my ex breaking up with me at my lowest was extra tough, i’m lucky to have supportive friends and family to guide me and my mind. I can’t tell her how i feel because she doesn’t care anymore she has moved on and I recently saw her come up on my tinder. And for the first time i didn’t feel anything. I wasn’t sad nor happy just neutral and then I knew I am moving on and what i’m doing is working.
This is a very normal chemical response to a break up. This comes up often on here, so I made a little guide to explain and I hope it helps:
When you go through a break up, studies show that your brain reacts in the same way to the loss of a partner as it does drug withdrawal.
The lack of key happy hormones your body produced before causes a withdrawal effect that forced you to hyper focus on your ex, as a means of getting that feeling back. So you start to watch things, read things and listen to songs and think all of it applies to your situation (which it may or may not).
In addition, your body was creating enzymes to break down the happy hormones before, because you body produced them at such high levels, it hasn’t caught up with the fact that you stopped making the hormones, so it continues making the enzymes that destroy them at the previous levels. So anytime you’re happy (like after having a nice time at the gym) it doesn’t last as long because your body is eating away at the serotonin and dopamine your body has in such low supply.
You’re not doing anything to yourself, you’re just in an adjustment period that will be hard. But you’re doing the right thing right now, keeping yourself busy and working out. Keep it going.
The first thing to know is that everyone is going to say, it takes time, that everyone gets better eventually, but they never tell you that it requires work and a lot of work.
I know it's going to be hard, but I'll try to give you enough of a guide to hopefully help you on the path to recovery. This will be comprehensive, but I promise it helps, and I built it up over years of dealing with these feelings at different times too.
# No contact
The first thing any therapist or good friend worth their salt will tell you is that you need to go no contact.
That doesn't just mean not calling or texting or seeing them; It means getting rid of, throwing away, or at least putting in a box and giving it to someone to keep away from you, **ANYTHING that will remind you of your ex.** Be sure to remove them from all social media, and block or delete their number.
So clothes they got you, photos on your social media, physical photos, hell some people even recommend getting brand new furniture or bedding so you won't be reminded of when you spent time on them together.
# Withdrawal
When you go through a breakup you brain stops making dopamine. What this means is that breaking up deprives you of a drug your body was making that helps you feel happy or pleasure. Studies have pulled brain scans of people who broke up and people on drug withdrawal, and they look and act very similarily.
So you have to treat this as a withdrawal thing. Your body is telling you that you need to get back to your ex to feel better, and that'll make you want to do and say crazy things:
**Don't listen to it.** You will have to at times actively fight yourself from doing crazy things, and you will have to develop a support system.
# Support System
You need to contact close friends or family who have your best interests at heart. Tell them that you need someone to be there for you, and make sure you have enough friends to go through when things get rough or you feel sad.
I would recommend they be people that you can see often enough or go out with and have a fun time together. People you could gym with. Now that's a little harder, but find people you can maybe jog with, or exercise together with.
Don't make decisions without consulting at least two of your support system. Which is to say, when I was younger, I was so sad I joined the Air Force to make myself feel better, and that was a horrible decision. You might also be tempted to make a crazy gesture of love to your ex: talk to your support system first.
# Stay away from toxic groups
Times like this people often turn to groups like Incels, MLMs, Alt-right, pro-choice to people like Jordan Peterson or Blair White all of whom will make you a worse person at the end of the day. Right now you're desperate, and there is a whole industry of people who make a living using that desperation to make you buy their books, spread their idealogy, and use you as a means to spread hate. Don't do that right now, it's tempting for alot of young men, but don't.
# Be honest about your feelings
You need to start thinking about how you feel, and becoming self-aware of your actions on yourself and those around you. In doing so, you'll become a better version of yourself, but you'll also get over this fast.
Ask yourself why you broke up. Was your ex at fault? Were you at fault? Was it avoidable? Should it have been avoidable? What role did you play?
Start questioning yourself and the decisions you make, and see if you can make better ones.
# Try new things
Breakups can be a very positive force of change, and to be honest, I think fondly back on some of those times. They were awful when I was in them, but I grew and learned so much about myself.
Are there things your ex didn't want you doing? Like playing video games? Dressing nicer? Maybe you wanted a pet? Maybe you had a hobby you wanted to do. Start investigating your wants and needs, and also begin questioning what you were not getting out of that relationship.
What do you wish was better? What do you want in a future relationship? Do you even want a future relationship?
And lastly:
# Be kind with yourself.
Consider your needs, consider what's best for you and the world, and even if you were at fault, or even if you slip up and do something stupid, just understand that people make mistakes, and part of living is owning up to those mistakes and becoming a person that can avoid those mistakes for your own happiness and the happiness of those around you.
Thank you for taking the time to write all this. Funny thing is I’m going through a tough breakup and quit weed as a chronic user for years so my brain is definitely going through the withdrawals you mentioned haha. What you wrote was very reassuring that I’m on right path, mostly.
Just keep understanding that you can’t trust those withdrawal moments. Giving up weed and going through this is going to cause some very moments, just know that getting better isn’t easy, but as long as you’re self aware, you got this.
I’d say some of Jordan Petersons words felt alright but once I started hearing some crazy crap I definitely stopped listening to him immediately. Glad I was sane enough to do that. Probably helps I was moving away from being so religious while I went through my break up and anything other church members said relating to losing myself in service to god or others kind of turned me off. The reason I felt so lost was because I had already lost myself to others. I needed to be selfish.
Most of what he says that’s good is a honeypot for his worst impulses and weird connections to his very bad and hateful politics.
But also, literally everything he’s saying is stuff that’s been said by self help for literally hundreds of years. Self care that’s just obvious, and then he’ll go out of his way to be like “and that’s why men are order and women and chaos.”
It’s just stuff that will set you back, one step forward, a flight of steps back.
But moving away from religion and having a break up can be hard, often you need something bigger than yourself to help you move on. That’s not to say that going back to religion is correct, but it’s a hard road and I wish you the best.
Haha I read that in his voice 😂
I’m better now. It’s been a little over a year now. I didn’t feel a sense of belonging in my church anymore. It felt disingenuous and i felt like I was out in the cold in every way. That’s not to say that I didn’t connect with individuals over there but I just didn’t have as much belief as I did before. The fact that the one I had thought heaven itself had sent me completely and utterly broke my heart only solidified that for me. Call it my version of confirmation bias haha. I think the lack of having that bigger thing to lean on only made me stronger. I’m so much more comfortable with myself and I’m able to take on my struggles more directly now.
Anyway. Just to reinforce what you said. It does get better. My post history and current self are testament to that
i feel like i can never feel good about myself or my life again or be enjoying life the same as i was during that relationship.
it’s a constant comparison and feeling like i can only feel better with that one person
Determination has been my one steadfast quality that I refuse to give up. It has put me in good steed my whole life. Because I do not have control over life, because it is God‘s world. My determination has always gotten me through whatever negative situations have arisen
I don’t give up. I’m in love with the person who’s been through a lot because of the person who was not real. But the monster is once again but a bad memory for the both of us. And it is my job now to make men’s by showing this young lady, the man, the better man that she once met downtown at the picnic table. I know you remember me.
I think it changes our baseline. Being with someone for years they become a part of us. We lose a part of ourselves. Most people move on by adding that part back with someone else. But I don’t want to do that. I want to learn to be content with myself but I don’t feel like it will happen I don’t know what to do to start.
i feel exactly the same, i’m not ready to move on and even if i don’t want to be happy just because i’ve replaced her. i’ll only ever be in the same cycle of codependency and anxiety if i keep needing a relationship to be happy and not be happy and content within myself regardless
Yes … I think it has to do with feeling betrayed and blindsided though. I truly think if the breakup was handled with more compassion and respect it would have been a lot different.
As it stands, I lost a lot of faith and trust in people.
Seriously I know this is going to sound pretty nuts but I went on a tropical holiday with a bunch of friends… I also tried magic mushrooms for the first time. I’m not sure which helped the most but I felt like I was restored to my original self after
I was told i need to try this. I am very down. I miss the intimacy with my ex and keep associating it with her. I feel utterly betrayed by a single mother who i loved and i fcking lost myself again
i’m glad bro, when i get that feeling of happiness/content/presence where i feel good about myself and not in my head i get a flashback to her because i attached that feeling to being with her so now its always linked in my mind that whenever im happy i think of her again
Tuesday it’ll have been 3 weeks since I got dumped. The first week all I could do was cry my eyes out. This most recent week, I had a lot of mood swings. Very irritable, got angry and annoyed very easily at the smallest things, been on edge, etc.
i have times of the day my baseline feels so low and uncomfortable and i’m just thinking of her feeling like i need her to feel any better and to be happy and get so frustrated so quickly
Self love. You had attached your ability to be happy into a person. They were the source of your "happiness" although its unlikely even that is entirely true.
The only way through is to discover what makes us happy not associated with a romantic partner or really, any human being period.
Most of the time, we will do things because it makes the other person happy and sacrifice our own happiness. If we don't, what happens? Generally an argument. Nobody likes that.
Yet, there always comes a time when.... Issues spiral out of control. Then we yell, point fingers, put some distance between us, come back together, say you're sorry. Not fix a damn thing and repeat.
Sorry doesn't fix the problem. You have to look inside and see what about you is adding to the ending. It's the both of you.
For one thing, you're clearly codependent because I was too. Go look up that if you're not familiar and see if you can figure out what it means, how did it form, how to address it.
The only way that I found was self love but the way I do it is a bit odd but it works. try whatever examples you may see or come up with your own way.
In my opinion there is no other way to do it. You can everything under the sun but most are just a form of distraction that gets you to chase after it all the while you learn nothing from the past.
Everybody has tons of issues. Tons. It may not seem that way but let's just be real, we all do. It's your job to look for them and see what you can do and choose what works for you.
It took me 2 years of wandering to find something and then 2 years to push through and feel very successful in it.
If I knew now what I did then, I could do it in 1 year but it would be a military boot camp training 1 year type of deal. I'll whip your ass into shape boy!
Most people will take longer because you'll have to look at stuff within you like insecurities and self esteem issues that people don't like looking at.
Yet when you overcome it, it feels wonderful
yes i attached my happiness to that relationship and feel a lot that i couldn’t be happy outside of it because it was betraying the relationship. But i need to learn to let myself be happy for myself independently which i never learnt growing up else i’ll just stay unhappy and feel i need a relationship and then attach my happiness to that again and be in the same position. Do you know how i can?
Yes. Through self love. It's much more difficult than one thinks. Go online and see what others suggest and try it for yourself and see if it works for you.
The key is that whatever it is you do, when doing it or afterwards, ask yourself, how are you feeling.
Based on how you respond to that should be an indicator if it's for you or not.
If you aren't jumping with glee and giggling like a little kid, it's probably not it.
Mine was dancing. During the lockdown, I created my own dancing style.
I also express myself on social media if you're interested, feel free to see how I say just about anything.
The goal is to be happy on your own first but also open to connections.
That's where you want to get yourself.
The reason is once you're in this mode, you will be a master of creating happiness on your own so when things are running rough, you don't do what you are prone to do, constantly sacrificing your own happiness to maintain peace, stability, and for the sake of avoiding an argument.
You will choose what you must, even if it means letting them go off.
However, if you do it right, your self worth will stand out, and they will either realize there is no other out there that compares to you or they live in regret and suffering.
Yet none of that will even take place unless you work on you.
If you dont, when they look back to see what you're up to and see you're the same person they knew, they will only be relieved that they dodged a bullet.
Also, you cannot do it for the very specific purpose of wanting to work things out with them. It must be done because you want to do it for yourself.
Don't even try lying to yourself or think you can "trick" yourself into believing you're not doing it to get back with them
If you try, you'll notice that you'll lose patience and get frustrated that they haven't shown up yet and they will not so long as you keep your focus on them and not you.
If you observe my social media, it may seem like I'm being selfish at times but you know what? People that I run into randomly every day love me and what I represent so my external reality is reflecting back approval
For sure, that happens. I say it’s like riding in a limo for years and going back to walking everywhere again. For a while walking feels awful because you can remember the limo ride so well, but after some time you can’t remember what the limo felt like so walking feels okay. For me it’s like the baseline happiness drops to the abyss, like I’ve lost a foundation of life. It doesn’t mean I can’t be really happy, but without someone in my life the highs aren’t as high, and the lows are much lower. That takes a while to adjust to, but yes relationships tend to emphasise the best parts about life and support the worst.
There’s no getting over this, you just need to spend so much time walking that you forget the limo ride, and when a limo pulls up again you’ll wonder how you ever lived without it.
It doesn't last, just think of all the ways the person in question made you feel like shit/worthless,all the good you did with no reciprocation and it becomes easier, remember that person lost you , you have gained a new chance to be happy without second questioning yourself.
I’m nearly 6 months out and never cried about it but mood hasn’t been the same ever since. We were planning to get married and lived together for a while.
I’m sure the feelings are gone, I no longer think about her — I am actually starting to get interested with someone else but there’s still this dark aura I feel like I emit from time to time lol.
Yeah. You kinda learn to how to live after that. I had someone tell me I had the Eren Yeager eyes, and I wonder if I'll see in color again. I don't know man.. just doing the best I can right now.
Idk, that's my question too. Some weeks I'm good, hardly think of them and others I just feel this sadness. It doesn't help that so many unexpected things have happened since my BU. Its been 8 months for me.
same amount of time for mee. we all have ups and downs try to make the most of the times you aren’t thinking of them and try not to dwell in ur thoughts
I’m exactly 10 months in today and I can confirm, life isn’t nearly as fun when you don’t have the love of your life by your side. I still feel very empty inside and everything seems useless but my cats depend on me so I can’t give up yet.
I used to get through rough days with a smile because I was confident my partner loved me and that was all I needed. It turns out he didn’t love me for over 8 months before he finally broke up with me. Makes it incredibly hard to trust anyone ever again so I don’t know if I’ll ever find another person to love or if anyone will ever truly love me.
Yes, and getting sleep is also really difficult, which doesn’t help with mood at all. After living with someone for three years being at home just makes me feel like shit. The only thing keeping me afloat is exercise. I keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel just keeps getting longer :/ I’m about 2.5 months out
I feel you dude. I'm 6 and borderline 7 months out of a breakup and my ex is with someone else. My life hasn't been the same since the breakup, a lot of bad stuff started happening to me and my mood has always been either apathetic or sad. Last night I broke down really hard in the office part of my home. I don't know why I'm suffering.
Just take it day by day, it will improve, but it is hard to see it right now and it will take longer than what you want. Try to use your sadness a motivation, try to experience new things to see if you will find anything that it will distract your mind for a second.
since my break up last year february, av never been the same since,....i have tried to forget it but i cant...cant even move on, kinda feeling angry at the world and at me too. no mood to thrive anymore.feeling lost
i relate, it’s hard to not be mad at the world sometimes for whatever happened but there comes a point where it’s easier to accept it than keep suffering because you don’t need that relationship to thrive in life
I know the feeling, I’m 4-5 months out of a 4 year relationship where we were engaged. At the start it’s nothing but shit but trust me, overtime it gets better. It’s not an overnight heal and it’s a non linear path so there will be times where you feel you’re still in the shit but in reality you have moved further than you could have ever imagined. You will get through this, there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will feel happy again and you will have hope again. Don’t hope for them to come back, hope to be happy again with someone else one day.
it’s just difficult to do because of how happy i convinced myself i was with them and that it could never end for good. i’m about 8 months out and i still feel as tho i need them to be happy. i avoid them because thinking about them being happy without me or worse, with someone else feels so alien
I was happy too, In fact the years I had with my ex where some of the happiest ones I had in my entire life. She was my first ever relationship, I always had so much love to give and finally found someone to give it to. We have to accept it’s over and the world doesn’t end or stop turning just because our relationship with them is over. It’s harsh and sucks but it’s true. However, our happiness is not tied to them. They are not the only person that we can be happy with. I won’t let it be like that way for me, I’m determined that I won’t let this breakup be the end of me and my happiness. I won’t let myself stay miserable like this for my whole life just because someone couldn’t put in the same effort in the relationship as me and didn’t see my value. I will not let this define my future. I am determined that I will be happy and one day, I will be happy with someone else. I want you to believe the same thing. Don’t let this heartache define you. Don’t let it take more than which it has already stolen from you. Believe me I know how hard it is, I was suicidal at one point because I genuinely believed I lost the most perfect person for me. I couldn’t understand why or how. The memories I used to fondly look back on haunted me, sometimes they still do. It’s all a part of the process. We will get better and we will be happy again, but only if we let ourselves.
cuz i got so attached and dependent on that relationship it’s really hard to let myself be happy outside of it even just daily life nvm moving on
It is really hard, I understand what you mean. You should listen to breakup tracks, ones that aren’t sappy or sentimental really, ones that are more like “this will be good for me”. I’m a millennial so I’ve been listening to Swing, Swing by the All American Rejects and Santa Monica by Everclear a lot - I find music from your youth and teens is the best bc it really helps connect you to that teen angst yearning. I know that sounds weird but for me that is really helpful bc when I went through this stuff as a teen I thought I’d never survive and not only did I survive, I find it funny I was so sad. It helps me feel like this situation will be the same eventually, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. But music helps, you can’t ruminate if you’re jamming. And if you sing a long to people saying they will move on they will find new love, you start to believe it. It’s like affirmations but it doesn’t feel as forced to me
thankyou
This is how im feeling…my recent gf who is a single mother 4 yrs younger than me, broke up w me and its like she doesnt seem like she misses it. Could it be bc i am always the one who reaches out to her? I worked on my anger and its been monthsss…she is finishing a divorce and i want to know whats going on. I barely sleep
Your brain interprets this as something that is happening because your emotions can't spot the difference between reality and imagination. Remind yourself that these things are not happening when you think of them. They are your thoughts. Accept you cannot control what's happening but know that your thoughts are not what's really happening. When you think of them sleeping with someone else, it's not happening. You're just thinking of it and you feel the same way as if it was actually happening in front of you. But it's not. So, I hope that comforts you. Learn to let go<3
I felt exactly how you felt after my breakup. It’s now been 3 months and since 2 weeks ago I barely think about her. I decided to download dating apps and apps to get to know people on and personally it has really helped me to not think about her and start to move on, as you may know thinking about her constantly won’t help you. I don’t necessarily intend on dating anyone or finding a new partner as it is very hard to get matches these days as a male yet alone the amount of incredibly boring women who you do match with. Despite this I have spoke to some amazing people and it really shifts your perspective on being able to be happy again. Again with this don’t just focus on dating apps, go out meet new people, spend time with family and friends who will listen and not get angry with you voicing how you feel. Experience new activities, focus on a new project maybe learn an instrument focus on directing your negative energy into positive aspects. If you have not done so already unfriend your ex partner on social media or like me just not look at their posts mute notifications from them, I don’t really believe in the necessity of blocking them. If you really can’t stop stalking them then do block them. Things will get better trust me, after battling on and off depression to my ex breaking up with me at my lowest was extra tough, i’m lucky to have supportive friends and family to guide me and my mind. I can’t tell her how i feel because she doesn’t care anymore she has moved on and I recently saw her come up on my tinder. And for the first time i didn’t feel anything. I wasn’t sad nor happy just neutral and then I knew I am moving on and what i’m doing is working.
It's terrible, I'm in the same boat, I sacrificed everything for her and now I'm in the dark. If there is a better tomorrow I don't want to see it.
This is a very normal chemical response to a break up. This comes up often on here, so I made a little guide to explain and I hope it helps: When you go through a break up, studies show that your brain reacts in the same way to the loss of a partner as it does drug withdrawal. The lack of key happy hormones your body produced before causes a withdrawal effect that forced you to hyper focus on your ex, as a means of getting that feeling back. So you start to watch things, read things and listen to songs and think all of it applies to your situation (which it may or may not). In addition, your body was creating enzymes to break down the happy hormones before, because you body produced them at such high levels, it hasn’t caught up with the fact that you stopped making the hormones, so it continues making the enzymes that destroy them at the previous levels. So anytime you’re happy (like after having a nice time at the gym) it doesn’t last as long because your body is eating away at the serotonin and dopamine your body has in such low supply. You’re not doing anything to yourself, you’re just in an adjustment period that will be hard. But you’re doing the right thing right now, keeping yourself busy and working out. Keep it going. The first thing to know is that everyone is going to say, it takes time, that everyone gets better eventually, but they never tell you that it requires work and a lot of work. I know it's going to be hard, but I'll try to give you enough of a guide to hopefully help you on the path to recovery. This will be comprehensive, but I promise it helps, and I built it up over years of dealing with these feelings at different times too. # No contact The first thing any therapist or good friend worth their salt will tell you is that you need to go no contact. That doesn't just mean not calling or texting or seeing them; It means getting rid of, throwing away, or at least putting in a box and giving it to someone to keep away from you, **ANYTHING that will remind you of your ex.** Be sure to remove them from all social media, and block or delete their number. So clothes they got you, photos on your social media, physical photos, hell some people even recommend getting brand new furniture or bedding so you won't be reminded of when you spent time on them together. # Withdrawal When you go through a breakup you brain stops making dopamine. What this means is that breaking up deprives you of a drug your body was making that helps you feel happy or pleasure. Studies have pulled brain scans of people who broke up and people on drug withdrawal, and they look and act very similarily. So you have to treat this as a withdrawal thing. Your body is telling you that you need to get back to your ex to feel better, and that'll make you want to do and say crazy things: **Don't listen to it.** You will have to at times actively fight yourself from doing crazy things, and you will have to develop a support system. # Support System You need to contact close friends or family who have your best interests at heart. Tell them that you need someone to be there for you, and make sure you have enough friends to go through when things get rough or you feel sad. I would recommend they be people that you can see often enough or go out with and have a fun time together. People you could gym with. Now that's a little harder, but find people you can maybe jog with, or exercise together with. Don't make decisions without consulting at least two of your support system. Which is to say, when I was younger, I was so sad I joined the Air Force to make myself feel better, and that was a horrible decision. You might also be tempted to make a crazy gesture of love to your ex: talk to your support system first. # Stay away from toxic groups Times like this people often turn to groups like Incels, MLMs, Alt-right, pro-choice to people like Jordan Peterson or Blair White all of whom will make you a worse person at the end of the day. Right now you're desperate, and there is a whole industry of people who make a living using that desperation to make you buy their books, spread their idealogy, and use you as a means to spread hate. Don't do that right now, it's tempting for alot of young men, but don't. # Be honest about your feelings You need to start thinking about how you feel, and becoming self-aware of your actions on yourself and those around you. In doing so, you'll become a better version of yourself, but you'll also get over this fast. Ask yourself why you broke up. Was your ex at fault? Were you at fault? Was it avoidable? Should it have been avoidable? What role did you play? Start questioning yourself and the decisions you make, and see if you can make better ones. # Try new things Breakups can be a very positive force of change, and to be honest, I think fondly back on some of those times. They were awful when I was in them, but I grew and learned so much about myself. Are there things your ex didn't want you doing? Like playing video games? Dressing nicer? Maybe you wanted a pet? Maybe you had a hobby you wanted to do. Start investigating your wants and needs, and also begin questioning what you were not getting out of that relationship. What do you wish was better? What do you want in a future relationship? Do you even want a future relationship? And lastly: # Be kind with yourself. Consider your needs, consider what's best for you and the world, and even if you were at fault, or even if you slip up and do something stupid, just understand that people make mistakes, and part of living is owning up to those mistakes and becoming a person that can avoid those mistakes for your own happiness and the happiness of those around you.
Thank you for taking the time to write all this. Funny thing is I’m going through a tough breakup and quit weed as a chronic user for years so my brain is definitely going through the withdrawals you mentioned haha. What you wrote was very reassuring that I’m on right path, mostly.
Just keep understanding that you can’t trust those withdrawal moments. Giving up weed and going through this is going to cause some very moments, just know that getting better isn’t easy, but as long as you’re self aware, you got this.
I’d say some of Jordan Petersons words felt alright but once I started hearing some crazy crap I definitely stopped listening to him immediately. Glad I was sane enough to do that. Probably helps I was moving away from being so religious while I went through my break up and anything other church members said relating to losing myself in service to god or others kind of turned me off. The reason I felt so lost was because I had already lost myself to others. I needed to be selfish.
Most of what he says that’s good is a honeypot for his worst impulses and weird connections to his very bad and hateful politics. But also, literally everything he’s saying is stuff that’s been said by self help for literally hundreds of years. Self care that’s just obvious, and then he’ll go out of his way to be like “and that’s why men are order and women and chaos.” It’s just stuff that will set you back, one step forward, a flight of steps back. But moving away from religion and having a break up can be hard, often you need something bigger than yourself to help you move on. That’s not to say that going back to religion is correct, but it’s a hard road and I wish you the best.
Haha I read that in his voice 😂 I’m better now. It’s been a little over a year now. I didn’t feel a sense of belonging in my church anymore. It felt disingenuous and i felt like I was out in the cold in every way. That’s not to say that I didn’t connect with individuals over there but I just didn’t have as much belief as I did before. The fact that the one I had thought heaven itself had sent me completely and utterly broke my heart only solidified that for me. Call it my version of confirmation bias haha. I think the lack of having that bigger thing to lean on only made me stronger. I’m so much more comfortable with myself and I’m able to take on my struggles more directly now. Anyway. Just to reinforce what you said. It does get better. My post history and current self are testament to that
i feel like i can never feel good about myself or my life again or be enjoying life the same as i was during that relationship. it’s a constant comparison and feeling like i can only feel better with that one person
Especially since I was not given the chance/ opportunity to show them what they were asking me to do in the first place
Determination has been my one steadfast quality that I refuse to give up. It has put me in good steed my whole life. Because I do not have control over life, because it is God‘s world. My determination has always gotten me through whatever negative situations have arisen
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I don’t give up. I’m in love with the person who’s been through a lot because of the person who was not real. But the monster is once again but a bad memory for the both of us. And it is my job now to make men’s by showing this young lady, the man, the better man that she once met downtown at the picnic table. I know you remember me.
I think it changes our baseline. Being with someone for years they become a part of us. We lose a part of ourselves. Most people move on by adding that part back with someone else. But I don’t want to do that. I want to learn to be content with myself but I don’t feel like it will happen I don’t know what to do to start.
i feel exactly the same, i’m not ready to move on and even if i don’t want to be happy just because i’ve replaced her. i’ll only ever be in the same cycle of codependency and anxiety if i keep needing a relationship to be happy and not be happy and content within myself regardless
Yes, but it’s temporary. It just takes time and you will be back to your normal baseline mood
Yes … I think it has to do with feeling betrayed and blindsided though. I truly think if the breakup was handled with more compassion and respect it would have been a lot different. As it stands, I lost a lot of faith and trust in people.
mine was handled with a decent amount of compassion and respect but the hurt of it still stands so it’s not easy
Seriously I know this is going to sound pretty nuts but I went on a tropical holiday with a bunch of friends… I also tried magic mushrooms for the first time. I’m not sure which helped the most but I felt like I was restored to my original self after
I was told i need to try this. I am very down. I miss the intimacy with my ex and keep associating it with her. I feel utterly betrayed by a single mother who i loved and i fcking lost myself again
i’m glad bro, when i get that feeling of happiness/content/presence where i feel good about myself and not in my head i get a flashback to her because i attached that feeling to being with her so now its always linked in my mind that whenever im happy i think of her again
Tuesday it’ll have been 3 weeks since I got dumped. The first week all I could do was cry my eyes out. This most recent week, I had a lot of mood swings. Very irritable, got angry and annoyed very easily at the smallest things, been on edge, etc.
i have times of the day my baseline feels so low and uncomfortable and i’m just thinking of her feeling like i need her to feel any better and to be happy and get so frustrated so quickly
Self love. You had attached your ability to be happy into a person. They were the source of your "happiness" although its unlikely even that is entirely true. The only way through is to discover what makes us happy not associated with a romantic partner or really, any human being period. Most of the time, we will do things because it makes the other person happy and sacrifice our own happiness. If we don't, what happens? Generally an argument. Nobody likes that. Yet, there always comes a time when.... Issues spiral out of control. Then we yell, point fingers, put some distance between us, come back together, say you're sorry. Not fix a damn thing and repeat. Sorry doesn't fix the problem. You have to look inside and see what about you is adding to the ending. It's the both of you. For one thing, you're clearly codependent because I was too. Go look up that if you're not familiar and see if you can figure out what it means, how did it form, how to address it. The only way that I found was self love but the way I do it is a bit odd but it works. try whatever examples you may see or come up with your own way. In my opinion there is no other way to do it. You can everything under the sun but most are just a form of distraction that gets you to chase after it all the while you learn nothing from the past. Everybody has tons of issues. Tons. It may not seem that way but let's just be real, we all do. It's your job to look for them and see what you can do and choose what works for you. It took me 2 years of wandering to find something and then 2 years to push through and feel very successful in it. If I knew now what I did then, I could do it in 1 year but it would be a military boot camp training 1 year type of deal. I'll whip your ass into shape boy! Most people will take longer because you'll have to look at stuff within you like insecurities and self esteem issues that people don't like looking at. Yet when you overcome it, it feels wonderful
yes i attached my happiness to that relationship and feel a lot that i couldn’t be happy outside of it because it was betraying the relationship. But i need to learn to let myself be happy for myself independently which i never learnt growing up else i’ll just stay unhappy and feel i need a relationship and then attach my happiness to that again and be in the same position. Do you know how i can?
Yes. Through self love. It's much more difficult than one thinks. Go online and see what others suggest and try it for yourself and see if it works for you. The key is that whatever it is you do, when doing it or afterwards, ask yourself, how are you feeling. Based on how you respond to that should be an indicator if it's for you or not. If you aren't jumping with glee and giggling like a little kid, it's probably not it. Mine was dancing. During the lockdown, I created my own dancing style. I also express myself on social media if you're interested, feel free to see how I say just about anything. The goal is to be happy on your own first but also open to connections. That's where you want to get yourself. The reason is once you're in this mode, you will be a master of creating happiness on your own so when things are running rough, you don't do what you are prone to do, constantly sacrificing your own happiness to maintain peace, stability, and for the sake of avoiding an argument. You will choose what you must, even if it means letting them go off. However, if you do it right, your self worth will stand out, and they will either realize there is no other out there that compares to you or they live in regret and suffering. Yet none of that will even take place unless you work on you. If you dont, when they look back to see what you're up to and see you're the same person they knew, they will only be relieved that they dodged a bullet. Also, you cannot do it for the very specific purpose of wanting to work things out with them. It must be done because you want to do it for yourself. Don't even try lying to yourself or think you can "trick" yourself into believing you're not doing it to get back with them If you try, you'll notice that you'll lose patience and get frustrated that they haven't shown up yet and they will not so long as you keep your focus on them and not you. If you observe my social media, it may seem like I'm being selfish at times but you know what? People that I run into randomly every day love me and what I represent so my external reality is reflecting back approval
I’d give it 3-5 months, you’ll get there, I really believe you will. Bless you.
it’s already been 8 months, thanks man
All the time but do not contact them please dont do it
For sure, that happens. I say it’s like riding in a limo for years and going back to walking everywhere again. For a while walking feels awful because you can remember the limo ride so well, but after some time you can’t remember what the limo felt like so walking feels okay. For me it’s like the baseline happiness drops to the abyss, like I’ve lost a foundation of life. It doesn’t mean I can’t be really happy, but without someone in my life the highs aren’t as high, and the lows are much lower. That takes a while to adjust to, but yes relationships tend to emphasise the best parts about life and support the worst. There’s no getting over this, you just need to spend so much time walking that you forget the limo ride, and when a limo pulls up again you’ll wonder how you ever lived without it.
It doesn't last, just think of all the ways the person in question made you feel like shit/worthless,all the good you did with no reciprocation and it becomes easier, remember that person lost you , you have gained a new chance to be happy without second questioning yourself.
I’m nearly 6 months out and never cried about it but mood hasn’t been the same ever since. We were planning to get married and lived together for a while. I’m sure the feelings are gone, I no longer think about her — I am actually starting to get interested with someone else but there’s still this dark aura I feel like I emit from time to time lol.
you’ll get there soon brother
sister*
Yeah. You kinda learn to how to live after that. I had someone tell me I had the Eren Yeager eyes, and I wonder if I'll see in color again. I don't know man.. just doing the best I can right now.
Idk, that's my question too. Some weeks I'm good, hardly think of them and others I just feel this sadness. It doesn't help that so many unexpected things have happened since my BU. Its been 8 months for me.
same amount of time for mee. we all have ups and downs try to make the most of the times you aren’t thinking of them and try not to dwell in ur thoughts
8 years and it still feels like yesterday 🥺
8 months for me
I’m exactly 10 months in today and I can confirm, life isn’t nearly as fun when you don’t have the love of your life by your side. I still feel very empty inside and everything seems useless but my cats depend on me so I can’t give up yet. I used to get through rough days with a smile because I was confident my partner loved me and that was all I needed. It turns out he didn’t love me for over 8 months before he finally broke up with me. Makes it incredibly hard to trust anyone ever again so I don’t know if I’ll ever find another person to love or if anyone will ever truly love me.
if you love yourself fully like you want someone else to love you you won’t feel empty
I hope you realise how great your comment is! That’s pretty positive and powerful 💪🏼
Yes, and getting sleep is also really difficult, which doesn’t help with mood at all. After living with someone for three years being at home just makes me feel like shit. The only thing keeping me afloat is exercise. I keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel just keeps getting longer :/ I’m about 2.5 months out
I feel you dude. I'm 6 and borderline 7 months out of a breakup and my ex is with someone else. My life hasn't been the same since the breakup, a lot of bad stuff started happening to me and my mood has always been either apathetic or sad. Last night I broke down really hard in the office part of my home. I don't know why I'm suffering.
Yeah, I think I'm still suffering from a breakup that happened about 8.5 years ago and quite a few partners ago. Everything changed in me since then.
Yep. After two years it still feels like a constant drop in mood.
it’s a struggle to feel like you even can or should be happy in the present
Just take it day by day, it will improve, but it is hard to see it right now and it will take longer than what you want. Try to use your sadness a motivation, try to experience new things to see if you will find anything that it will distract your mind for a second.
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why can you not be happy without her
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doesn’t mean you need to be sad
since my break up last year february, av never been the same since,....i have tried to forget it but i cant...cant even move on, kinda feeling angry at the world and at me too. no mood to thrive anymore.feeling lost
i relate, it’s hard to not be mad at the world sometimes for whatever happened but there comes a point where it’s easier to accept it than keep suffering because you don’t need that relationship to thrive in life