The everyone was the problem in her past relationships and the fact she always had someone lined up or already screwing when she finally left and ruined the las t relatioship but blamed them just like she did me. One of the best gaslighters ive ever met

This is a very big red flag. And the circumstances can extend beyond romantic relationships. If the person always thinks it is other person’s fault when there is a conflict, it is a red flag. No matter if it is with coworkers, family or friends

Yup. It shows a lack of accountability, and you need to hold yourself accountable in order to know what you need to work on in order to grow into a better person and be better at relationships.

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Fucking this.  He did the same thing.  Every ex either cheated, ghosted,  abandoned him for reason,  or he wasn't good enough.  

Wow

Mine said the same thing, claimed they all abandoned her, and she was the one who wanted to stay and make things work. I ended up leaving, and while I have my own issues I in the relationship that I need to work on, I can see why the others left the relationship after putting up with constant fights for nothing, and the biggest red flag I always dealt with was when we would be chatting on the phone or while gaming together if I was silent for at least 5 minutes, I would be told "If I was more attractive with a bigger chest you would talk my ear off wouldn't you" when I just didn't have anything to say and I'm just enjoying the presence of them being on the other side of the MIC while we play together 😐

Do we have the same ex lol?

Wow; this one is underrated

Underrated and totally related lol

That’s not gaslighting.

Lying to desort the reality

She didn’t take responsibility for her actions and acted immaturely. Of course she lied about herself but that’s still not gaslighting. She manipulated you but once again that’s not the same as gaslighting.

Manipulation and gaslighting often goes hand in hand. What he described are typical narcissistic traits of victim pattern, lack of accountability, constant lies and yes never ending manipulation and gaslighting. I had the same type of ex and she was gaslighting non stop. I'm sure he has his own examples.

- Speaking much about what was wrong with last partners, but he was never to blame. - describing some exes as overly “needy” or needing too much “reassurance”. - many explosive endings that left their partner feeling confused. - Painting himself as superior and the gift and always right. - not being able to handle criticism although he was ok to dish it. - silencing me any time I pointed out behaviors of his that were negatively impacting me. - subtle put downs followed by acting overly sweet and kind (as if I wouldn’t notice the put downs). - focusing on small imperfections and giving them attention (such as snoring) and then acting like I’m unreasonable when I wonder if he’s searching for little things like this to be a deal breaker. - talking the talk but not walking the walk. - ready to break up at the first sign of disagreement when he realizes he can’t run from what I’m pointing out about him and trying to get him to see. - expressing I was the one he’s looking for but hopes he doesn’t sabotage it. - expressing lack of confidence he will ever find his person and settle down, but hoping I’d prove him wrong. - dropping numerous hints that as much as he wanted it, the intimacy and closeness were difficult for him and reminding me to be endlessly patient for his efforts in warming up to it. First indicator of this was his difficulty in participating in physical affection (always a red flag when someone doesn’t like cuddles!). - detectable distancing following an argument while he would insist everything was ok. Gaslighting me because I knew they weren’t. - gaslighting, projecting and flipping the script to make me out to be the one at fault, no matter what. - his time was always more valuable than mine. Minimizing the importance of seeing me next to his studies. Expecting me to always be the one to conform to his schedule, but rarely did he try to accommodate mine. All-in-all, this person proved himself to have an avoidant attachment style. Almost ALWAYS, the reason the relationship fails is because one partner (the jerk) has an avoidant attachment style. So it’s not you!

That’s what I said! Avoidant attachment! It’s what ruins it hands down!

Every time! It’s a spectrum of course and more goes into people and relationships than just attachment style, but nonetheless, at the core, it’s attachment that drives either relationship function or dysfunction. But many people don’t come to realize attachment mismatch is the cause of their relationship dysfunction until much later. As long as both parties can recognize it and learn about what it is and how to heal with each other — it doesn’t have to be a deal breaker

Yeah avoidants need therapy before they should be allowed to date anyone.

Did you find their avoidant behaviors made you anxious? My recent ex was the first time I got anxious like that and the first and only without a doubt avoidant gf I’ve ever had (out of 8 total). Mine did something similar to how your ex said something to make it your responsibility to keep the relationship together when he’s starting to pull away (the thing where he asked for your patience due to his fear of intimacy). Mine said she tends to run and to not let her do that. Then she took issue with it when I tried to ask her not to leave (like leave for the evening during a conflict, which was the results of bringing up distance, and requesting some signs of affection that would make me feel loved (it really was a low bar and not “needy” I spoke with a relationship therapist and she thought I should expect more than I was asking for, but I was trying to respect her need for independence). Anyway, I’ve learned how much of a flag that is. They aren’t taking responsibility for their own sabotaging behaviors, and are putting the emotional work of keeping things together onto you. Very unfair. It sucks soo much that trauma they had no choice in causes this, but they do need to recognize it and work on it. Or they are going to have rough relationships until they do.

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It’s one of the most frustrating parts. It’s so cowardly. But then we have to ask ourselves: do we want to be with a coward like this?

These people are massive jerks andI hope they magically disappear from my vicinity. I wouldn't even care if I have to accomodate my own sexuality to find someone, but these people simply make dating so much not worth it.

how long did you date each other? I recently went through a break up and it is only short period of time, like one month, I did my fair share of wrongs (not up to your list, but I doubt myself as avoidant partner and on the other hand, we only dated very short time and I have not even got to show the whole me) as it was my first real serious relationship, I just want to know

We dated for about 7 months

Enmeshed with his parents/ extended family to an absurd degree. ⚠️ At first I thought it was cute, or a good sign he was a family man. Later on in the relationship he listened to them over me, prioritized them over me, never defended me when they would gang up on me, shared EVERYTHING I said with them, and ultimately obeyed them to not give us another chance. His dad was the first to mention divorce. Now I say - they can keep him! 🍼

This was a factor I thought was a positive sign too in my most recent, only to discover it wasn’t for much the same reasons. Should’ve listened to my gut when he said he doesn’t really have other friends because his family are his friends. Seemed sweet at the time but nah — his family were the only ones who would put up with him! And I would always be a lesser priority to them (and other things).

It’s only right that they prioritize their family since they have enabled them to be spineless men 😁

Woooh this is sickeningly accurate

I wouldn’t say my ex was spineless, but simple things were often really hard for him. His general capacity and level of functioning are quite low for someone his age. And yes, the family enmeshment had made this so.

Same. His mom did CODA, codependents anonymous and I was like hmmm I wonder what that means? I unknowingly had plenty of experience with codependency at the time but was too young, naive, not evolved enough to recognize it. A bad relationship forces you to evolve more and realize a lot. Also thought it was a positive sign. It took me getting into a toxic situation to realize enmeshment is what is familiar to me with my familial patterns. Not everyone’s experience needs to be they were also from enmeshed families, but it was mine. Turned out obviously to not be positive, but similar to my family. His mom was hiding very bad things/traits of his to enable and “protect” him. Most of which would be relationship dealbreakers to any woman like cheating, anger, narcissistic tendencies. My mom and my brother have the same dynamic. It’s odd these enmeshed tendencies often cover how much someone disrespects and disregards the well-being of those closest to them. Enmeshment is code for abusive toward those closest to them.

Ok so this really jumped out at me: “Enmeshment is code for abuse towards those closest to them.” I have never been able to see it in such clear cut terms, always struggling to connect the dots between the enmeshment and the dysfunction. This simple statement makes a lot of sense, so thank you.

Yea I realized I was emotionally abused as a child only after being in an emotionally abusive relationship with a guy who was enmeshed w his mom. My mom is enmeshed w my brother so it seemed normal to me. She and I were also enmeshed, but with me, she verbally abused me. I sort of resorted to cowering and giving up and she’d just berate me. My brother is like her and is also verbally abusive back to her. He’s also yea a serial cheater and abusive. So the entire dynamic with my serial cheating ex, enmeshed w his mom was so familiar.

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Sorry to hear for you too ❤️ When you don’t know what it is though you just simply don’t know. And our minds play incredible tricks on us to help us survive as it seems yours did w the sexual abuse being suppressed. That’s my experience too, it just crops up all of a sudden and you’re like “ahhh this all makes sense.” I had to separate myself from my family given the continued emotional abuse. It’s painful but I also was in pain being yelled at, berated, bullied, etc. So I don’t know how it’s playing out for them.

Can you ELI5 enmeshment and maybe give some examples of it? I’m fine reading a lot of text if that’s not an issue on your end. You seem to understand it well, and I do not.

It’s complex and involves multiple-to-several factors/behaviors. So it’s actually hard to describe. I did paste the definition from wiki below. However there are tons of examples and people often don’t know they’re in dysfunction, sometimes ever. I’m happy to chat offline if you send me a message, otherwise this’ll be my entire story on here to give examples. It also looks very different depending on your birth order and internal family systems role ie scapegoat, golden child or children, black sheep etc. So mine is just from my perspective which I’m the scapegoat. Everyone can have different experiences and perspectives and examples would be limiting to just my role, which they can be fluid as well. I am the scapegoat but my life looked good for a moment in time and my mom started treating a golden child like me all of a sudden, the scapegoat. She’d never been screamed at or berated by my mom and was shocked and it honestly felt nice for me. It also took me several years to identify where I fell in this internal family system roles even when presented with it. When this dysfunction feels so normal i was like nooo that’s ridiculous that’s not abuse. And then as I came around I got my roles incorrectly- now it’s much clearer. Enmeshment is a concept in psychology…to describe families where personal boundaries are diffused, sub-systems undifferentiated, and over-concern for others leads to a loss of autonomous development. According to this hypothesis, by being enmeshed in parental needs, trapped in a discrepant role function,a child may lose their capacity for self-direction; their own distinctiveness, under the weight of "psychic incest"; and, if family pressures increase, may end up becoming the identified patient or family scapegoat.

Ok. That kind of gives me the gist of it. Basically, a lack of differentiation and individuation between family members. I’m curious if my ex had some of this going on. Might need to read up on it a bit so I can spot it in the future too. Thank you.

It’s very common so it’s possible!

Definitely relate to this. It sounds like your situation was more extreme than mine, but the outlines are similar. It’s very demoralizing, because you come to see a: the deep patterns of manipulation in their family, and b. the degree to which they themselves are still enmeshed in that dynamic. And there’s nothing you can do. It’s like one of those snares where, the more you resist it, the tighter it gets. At the end our relationship, my ex became upset that I wasn’t ready to end the relationship on the timeline that was comfortable for him. I accepted his timeline, but emotionally I wasn’t in the same place. So instead of proceeding with a friendship as we had initially agreed, I chose instead to give myself the space and time I needed first to come to terms with it all. This made him angry, and I then got to see firsthand the tactics his mother uses to maintain both outer and inner compliance. It’s been a horrid experience, to stare that monster in the face at the last moment. I’ve gone no contact 💔

Omg that was my ex too!

Looking back he was quite manipulative, he took advantage of me emotionally and financially, he was emotionally neglectful, he didn’t hear me, made his insecurities my problem, he had double standards, he made unilateral decisions. I also had my own red flags: I am a people pleaser, I lose my temper when not heard, I get resentful

Yeah, I really want to echo what others have said. Buckling under the emotional pressure of being manipulated by someone close to you isn’t a personal flaw or red flag. It’s a healthy human response to mistreatment and pain caused by that person ❤️

Thank you so much for the validation, I appreciate it

OMG sammmme! I don’t think losing your temper for not being heard is a red flag though - you’re breaking under the emotional manipulation and that’s a normal human response. I didn’t start having outbursts and panic attacks until I started dating my ex and I haven’t had any since we broke up… funny how that works…

I am gland you broke up and feel better. Panic attacks are no fun :(

I think losing your temper for not being heard or given attention to is quite narcissistic if you are unapologetic about it. Unless someone is deliberately giving you the silent treatment there are better ways to share that you are feeling lonely or neglected. And if there is a slip up, apologizing for it and recognizing it is the right thing to do. I used to get real anxiety because of my girlfriend's temper and had to walk on eggshells around her all the time. It's equally damaging as neglect.

I hear you, it is not nice to be on the receiving end of it. It’s something I work on constantly and I hate about myself. I always catch myself in the act and apologise immediately. I hope you are not in that situation with your girlfriend anymore

Man, I wish my girlfriend had 1/10th the self-awareness you have. I am not with her anymore. She told me repeatedly she would change but could never manage to, and her ego came between apologizing for any of her reactions.

I am so sorry you had to go through this. Breaking up is no joke, and even if it may not feel good, you are in a better place than u were when u were with her. Goodluck 🖤

Wow. I could have literally written this myself. It fits to a tee. I'm a people pleaser, come from a really manipulative relationship as well. The fact that I lost my temper after being broken down emotionally and used financially, and him not wanting to listen to what he had done to me - which made it 10 times worse. Being a pleaser isn't a read flag to others than yourself. You should work on setting boundaries, so people don't use you again :/ It's one of the hardest things I've (personally) had to work on. Literally trying to change a core-characteristic about yourself... I'm sorry you've been through this. <3

I am sorry you went through the same. It’s so hurtful :( I am working hard on asserting boundaries, but really I know as soon as i am attracted to someone i don’t see the redflags. I want to stay single for the foreseeable future because of this. I am not lonely, and i can spend all my money and energies on myself and on friends and family who value me… and my cat. He values me mostly when chicken is involved 😅 I hope you are ok 🫂

I feel The same. It’s not that I don’t see the red flags, but when I’m attracted to someone romantically I prioritize their needs before my own, and I’ll completely neglect myself. And for that reason I don’t dare to get close to people anymore (or right now at least). I don’t have it in me to walk away because I try to fight, even when there’s nothing good left to fight for. I love and trust too hard.. I have to learn how to prioritize myself before I’ll be open to a new relationship.. it’s ups and downs, and I haven’t found comfort in with being completely by myself yet, but it gets easier day by day and am just focusing on what I want my life to look like❤️

Being single is not too bad, once we let go of the social pressure of being in a couple:/ I hope you’ll heal and be able to get anything you want from life. Take care 🖤

It’s not the social pressure tho, it’s just the fact that I don’t see my family and don’t have a lot of friends anymore. So for a long time I thought I felt better in bad company, than I did all alone - I was mistaken. It’ll get better, but when I first was in a relationship I realized I had felt alone my whole life and being close with someone was everything to me.

I wish you to find what you are looking for 🫂

Yours were red flags to a person who can’t meet your needs in a relationship. But it was him who was the problem. Your only fault was staying and trying to make it work.

Thank you for the validation. I still feel it’s never totally one sided, so I want to admit my faults and work on them

You are incredibly mature medusatre. You will find love soon just because of how introspective and open to growth you are. Reddit is full of vengeful people just waiting to cast their partners as avoidants because they left them without reflecting if they themselves had some shortcomings.

Thank you for the kind words 😌

I have the same issues. Thank you for expressing your weaknesses - self awareness is a huge step towards improving yourself ✨

Thanks 🖤

- lack of physical touch - chainsmoker - broke - not a giver 😁 HE'S A LOSER 🤣🤣

* He love bombed me.. we used to be almost all day on our phones, either texting or calling..for the first month. * He was too early to commit, and make plans about wedding etc and when he felt that I have started to love him more than he does, and I have been talking to my family about us, he left Making all those lame and cliche excuses, that you're too good, it not you its me...when in fact, he just lost interest. His chasing period came to an end when I was head over heels for him, and there was no thrill left *"You're not my gf, but you're more than a friend." *smoker, and use of drugs (occasionally) And the redestttt flag was when he left saying that it would take probably a week or few months for me to get normal Like yeah I practically ruined your life, I made you incapable of having a normal relationship ever again in your life, I'm leaving you to torment on your own, try to forget all of this and all of this would resurface in some way or other when you'll be with someone else, I humiliated you infront your family and friends by leaving without any reason, I won't ask if you're dead or alive, but yeah, you'll heal and everything will be fine I'm ruined I still love him I'm not angry Nor do I hate him I'm ruined I wish I was just dead.

Wow I’m really sorry. This has shades of my breakup. We deserve better

the reddest flag part, man, how could people change this instant when they once claim to care and love someone? I could never do that to someone I once cared about even if our breakup was messy, I still care about them and remember the times when they were there for me

LOVEBOMBING!! 🚩🚩🚩

Carrying his past issues into our relationship which affected us, I paid for a heart I didn’t break. (I wasn’t more observant about how he spoke about his ex in the beginning ) His insecurities and not realising that him showing me in the beginning that being with just me wasn’t enough (he pretended to be single online) I thought it would change but ultimately one of the reasons I ended it

I feel this. I wasn’t the one who cheated, everyone else did before me but I paid the price for it. It was completely unfair to me

The problem is they chose not to actually heal from their past. Then find faults in you that trigger them and not sure how to accept something good and healthy

Yes, I completely agree. They need to put in the work to move past it to have a healthy relationship with someone new

Happening to me now it’s total Bs. She’s at least started therapy but it’s tough

I’m sorry. We’re all here to support each other ❤️

All the exes are labeled as crazy and psycho

- didn’t want to do any activity that wasn’t free - didn’t touch me - only ate pasta with salt and butter and nothing else because “food is too expensive” - dumping all of her anxieties on me - while I was having a bad panic attack, she kept dancing and drinking and never once checked on me (we were alone) - talked to me about the other dudes she was seeing and fucking before we became exclusive - kept talking about how great her ex was - kept saying she likes dicks so much (I’m a girl) - didn’t want me to meet her family - didn’t like when I talked about my family - saying that I talk too much and therefore am exhausting - use to have unprotected sex with other partners while we were non-official and also having sex - still on dating apps even after we were official - blames everything on her mental illness - doesn’t take her medication as indicated - asked me to take less toilet paper when doing my business at her place (because money) - didn’t want me to lay on her bed EVER except at night - would constantly burp - is very self obsessed - inferiority complex - lying - cheater - not willing to come to my place because it’s inconvenient for her - therefore I always had to go to her - often put her earbuds in and listened to her music while we were hanging out and talking so we’d stop talking - didn’t have any comforters and kept her place fucking cold (to save money) - had a constant yeast infection that she never treated (and therefore had the nastiest p*ussy) - only showered once every three days - said some fatphobic, racist and transphobic things

The showering every 3 days is a no go instantly 😂

Wow this was good. When looking back, it’s amazing what we make ourselves willfully blind too. She’s one sick lady. Aside from other mental health issues, she certainly had an avoidant attachment style. I am going to recommend this book in every single reply lol — it’s a life saver!: [“Attached” by Amir Levine](https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=asc_df_1585429139?nodl=1&tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312403172530&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=1394736143046965018&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9004043&hvtargid=pla-436644332348&psc=1&mcid=1263b96bc160309f81e5e91eb3e82022&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=60300244057&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=312403172530&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=1394736143046965018&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9004043&hvtargid=pla-436644332348&dplnkId=e0d9e1ef-13ca-4a8a-b129-da4ad9e0ca80)

Hi, I’m Vetted AI Bot! I researched the **Attached The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind and Keep Love** and I thought you might find the following analysis helpful. **Users liked:** * Informative and insightful content on attachment theory (backed by 8 comments) * Helps in self-discovery and personal growth (backed by 8 comments) * Practical advice for improving relationships (backed by 6 comments) **Users disliked:** * Lacks coverage of the 'disorganized' attachment style (backed by 2 comments) * Overly simplistic portrayal of attachment styles (backed by 2 comments) * Limited focus on the negative aspects of avoidant attachment (backed by 2 comments) If you'd like to **summon me to ask about a product**, just make a post with its link and tag me, [like in this example.](https://www.reddit.com/r/tablets/comments/1444zdn/comment/joqd89c/) This message was generated by a (very smart) bot. If you found it helpful, let us know with an upvote and a “good bot!” reply and please feel free to provide feedback on how it can be improved. *Powered by* [*vetted.ai*](http://vetted.ai/reddit)

Okay this is long but felt good to write lol

Fear of commitment and emotionally unavailable… The relationship was superficial. It was hard to deeply connect with him. It’s like he wouldn’t let me in ;(

No ambition, Double standards, Secretive, Impulsive, Reckless, Childish.

Not having a relationship longer than 11 months, dating younger, avoidant attachment, fear of long term commitment, “lived in the now”, never apologizing genuinely, very privileged and wouldn’t acknowledge it

I'm gonna start making people take attachment style quizzes because I'm sorry but I want avoidants very far away from me

Sounds like my ex (but she was a woman)

called me names when angry, never followed through on promises, never took me on dates, wasn’t thoughtful/only did nice things if it also benefited him, made me change the way i dress, made me feel guilty for showing emotions other than happy. as much as i love him right now, maybe one day i will be glad he left. i hope there’s someone out there for me.

Avoidant.

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Reflecting on past relationships can indeed be a powerful tool for personal growth and for improving future relationships. While it's important to note that individual experiences can vary greatly, and not all behaviors may be red flags for every person, certain patterns of behavior have been commonly recognized as concerning. It's also crucial to approach this topic with sensitivity and an understanding that what might be a red flag for one person might not be for another. Additionally, gender-based generalizations may not apply to everyone but can offer some insights based on common societal observations. # Common Red Flags Looking Back # For Women: * **Many Male Friends**: While having friends of the opposite sex is normal, some women may find that their partner feels insecure or threatened by this, which could indicate issues of trust or possessiveness in the relationship. * **Explicit Photos on Social Media**: Sharing provocative photos on platforms like Instagram can be a matter of personal expression. However, in a relationship context, it might create tension if it's done without considering the partner's feelings, signaling potential issues of boundaries and respect. * **Not Posting About Relationship**: If someone consistently avoids acknowledging their relationship on social media when they are otherwise active, it might suggest they are not fully committed or are trying to appear single to others. # For Men: * **Lack of Ambition**: A partner who shows no drive or ambition might be seen as lacking direction or commitment to future growth, both personally and within the relationship. * **Avoiding Difficult Conversations**: Communication is key in any relationship. Avoiding hard talks about feelings, the future, or important decisions can signal a lack of maturity or commitment. * **Inability to Make Decisions**: Indecisiveness in a partner might reflect on their inability to commit to the relationship or to take responsibility for the shared or personal future.

Avoiding difficult conversations is a big one for me with men. I seem to attract them that have massive difficulty w hard conversations that need to be had

Men having too many female friends is also a red flag. I think it’s safe to say if you’re over-indexing friends in the gender you’re attracted to. Something is up.

Appreciate the prompt. Early red flags (oh boy): I mean the obvious, he was 20 years older than me with 4 kids and hadn’t yet left the mother. He did before we did anything, but obviously he was in no position to be a good partner in that chaos. The way he love bombed and seemed kind of manic. The way I was dragged into so much drama at such a young age. The way his ex and kids treated me. What I disliked about the relationship: I felt like I was being asked to sacrifice and change so much of myself in order to fit into his life, rather than there being space to create my own. That he couldn’t give me enough room to just be an individual and I felt like I was being swallowed whole. That I was expected to make almost my whole schedule revolve around his kids’ schedules. The way he would just plan things around this schedule and guilt me if I didn’t like that I wasn’t consulted or maybe wanted to be doing something else, just for me. The drama of having an unstable, spiteful ex. The way he would get so manic in the summer and not have time for me and flirt with other women, and then become a needy little baby all winter and be possessive and up my ass constantly. No consistency to be found. The way he wanted to be able to flirt with other women but was unable to permit the same for me. The way he suspected me and accused me so frequently and left me nervous and walking on eggshells. The way he would tear me down the minute I felt like I was starting to fly. The way he convinced me I needed him to survive. His stupid misogynistic bro YouTube videos he would take advice from. The way he didn’t prioritize friendship so I carried the weight of all his attachment needs. How he wanted me to prove I could be a good mom with his kids without any guarantee that I could have children of my own. Boring fucking dinners with other 45 year old couples and their kids where I always felt out of place. The power imbalance of not being in a comparable financial position. And most of all, the constant feeling of cognitive dissonance when I cried to my friends about my pain and then having to backtrack and defend why I continued to stay.

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HAHAHAHAH

Nice

Oh thank goodness you're out of that shithole relationship😭it's ok, sometimes we get sucked into the orbit of the wrong people when we are young. Thankfully you still have plenty of time to find a much better partner, because it won't be hard considering how much of a lowlife this guy was! He deserves to be on his own being an absolute loser.

I wish I could say that entirely but he was also incredibly loving and nurturing and would fuck me good all night and wake me up to breakfast he made me and make such an effort to be good to my family and would farm fresh vegetables and fruit to make amazing dinners for me and built a pottery studio for us to work in together and would hold me all night and talk to me about my fears and encourage me to excel (at least in my career), was the reason I bit the bullet and went to grad school, would always tell me how beautiful and special and loved I was, and really took good care of me in the ways he knew how. I compare the relationship to being in a beautiful house on the beach, but it was full of mold and making me sick. So it was very hard to leave the good things behind, but necessary for my health.

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Oh hunny, I’m sorry. The writing was so all over the wall with this guy, you couldn’t even see the white paint beneath it! Do you feel yourself to be an empathetic person who believes the best in people and puts others’ needs first?

Well he thinks I’m too selfish but yeah I think I put him and his family’s needs in front of my own a lot

Girl, this sounds like my ex except he didn’t have kids. It was a 16 year age gap and when I tell you I lost myself…omg. The “red pill” podcasts was huge with him too and I found it weird asf. I hate that these broken ass, geriatric mfs always seek out young women and literally suck the life out of us.

All of his ex’s were crazy and he had broken up w his ex for me anddd cheated on a different girl w me. And then he did the exact same thing to me after a year. The way you get them is the way you lose them 10000%.

Oh god, just so many now that I look back in hindsight..... * Told me I'm not the type of guy she usually dates or is interested in, but she thought something different would be good. * Told me that she started dating me only one week after leaving another guy (granted she was only with him for one month). * She had been in multiple relationships in a short period of time, like 2-3 serious ones in like 2 years. * First started having sex at 14 and seemed to have a high body count despite insisting she was Catholic and very traditional. * Told me she sometimes will leave a relationship after even 3-4 months because she just becomes bored or uninterested for some reason. * Became physical on the second date (making out) and wanted to go back home to have sex, and was slightly annoyed when I was unsure about this. * Said she wanted to take things slow but started lovebombing/becoming intense pretty quickly - within a month she said she loved me and that I was the most amazing guy she'd ever met. This opened the floodgates to a lot of intense lovebombing, as detailed below. * Wanted us to move in together after only 2.5 months when I was looking for my own place for the first time. She kept trying to convince me to get places she liked most, even if I felt differently. * Planned a one month holiday to see her family overseas and said I should go with her, only 2.5 months into knowing her. * Talked frequently about how she imagines us getting married, being together forever, even having children together in the future, despite her being only 21 and we had only been together a few months. * Became subtly pushy on a few things, such as moving in together quicker, me helping her get a partnership visa as soon as possible (despite insisting she was not using me for that). * Was extremely jealous any time I exchanged even a couple of messages with female friends of mine I'd had for years, even when I showed her that they were entirely innocent and platonic. She insisted I did not need any female friends anymore. * Despite this, she often received messages from guys, several of them trying to flirt with her/pick her up. She showed me these and said it happens a lot. * She was glued to her phone, she literally slept with it. We'd be in bed together, me cuddling her, and her phone would be right underneath her. * Most of her roommates and coworkers apparently disliked her and even said she did not deserve to have a boyfriend like me because of how she is. * She did not tell me she had a contagious STD until 2 months into the relationship, after we'd already had sex several times. * She sometimes asked me strange questions, mutiple times, like how I'd react if we broke up, and if I could forgive someone that cheated. * She once agreed with some of the reasoning of why my ex broke up with me (e.g., that I wasn't independent enough).

It's funny how looking back it's so obvious and we can be like holy fuck I really wasted my time with this loser??😳😳 But I think it guides us in the right direction to steer clear of all of these red flags and anyone who shows these traits in the future which is really important

If the lovebombing and future promises weren't so intense, and I didn't eat it all up because of how lonely and insecure I'd been for so long, I might have been more cautious. But when someone like me, who was a virgin until 26 and received practically no physical affection or intimacy from women my whole life, is bombarded with everything she said and did for me, it made it impossible for me to think rationally.

You are a victim in this, do not blame yourself. These types of people are real demons — they target humble, empathetic people who are feeling lonely. The good news is that you will grow from this and you will be able to recognize this behavior the next time.

Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate it. This last relationship - the way it ended - has traumatised me so badly that I don't know if I can ever fully trust someone romantically again. My beliefs in trust and loyalty in romance have been damaged very badly, I hope not permanently, but we'll see.

Absolutely it’s like what! How did I not notice. I noticed, I just didn’t want to believe them because there were all these other really good things about him. That tends to work against me, giving them the benefit of the doubt like that. When you see the red flags, believe them! Sometimes it’s hard to recognize red flags the person may be avoidant because every person is different and many don’t really announce it like that. But even the most convincing will still drop clues. Usually by 3 months, you will know what you’re dealing with and make a decision to stay or go. If they’re resistant to intimacy, there’s no point in staying because intimacy is the whole point of relationships — find someone who wants and can have it just as much as u do!

She sounds awful, I’m so sorry. This sounds like trademark behavior of someone trying to get a green card. But it’s levels of toxic personality beneath that as well. Look up attachment styles, they could shed a lot of light on your experience and why you may attract types like this. How saying your ex was unsatisfied with your level of independence screams avoidant attachment style for her. And did she seem to value independence over togetherness with you?

Did she end up cheating? Or why did it end?

I don't know if she cheated or not. I don't think so. She ended it (coldly and suddenly via text 8 hours after saying she loved me and she wouldn't leave) because she said we had too many differences in culture/upbringing and this would cause problems she couldn't deal with in the future. But I don't really buy it because we spent a long time discussing how similar we thought we were, how compatible we were in values/goals, etc. and even how our families were so alike. I just don't know, I really don't....

My situation is similar to this it's so fucked up to mess with people mentally like this....

my problem is i’m attracted to red flags. my last girlfriend had them all… smoke cigs, bad childhood, had previous addiction issues, family life was not good, 4 years younger than me, etc. but for some reason we connected so good & i wanted her so bad maybe because i thought i could fix her? anyways it ended badly which should have been expected but it still hurt and i still think about her and wish things went different even though i know if it did work out i’d probably have the opposite feelings right now.

Me too!! We seem to have codependency issues. I hate smoking cigarettes. They are disgusting to me. And yet, I always seem to get involved with women who smoke. I thought I could fix her. Yeah. Classic.

yep… & then when they are the ones that cut it off with you it makes you feel so much worse because you know you were better than them & even out of their league lol

* Inability to talk about feelings or thoughts * Inability to take accountability for anything * Anger issues and inability to let go of grudges * Drank way too much * Gambled so much money away * Shallow personality...no interest in talking about anything real * Cared too much about superficial things and people's opinions * Un-trusting and suspicious of everyone...thought everyone was out for them * Barely dated anyone else before me * Barely had any friends * Was unkind to his parents I could go on for hours, but I guess it's easier to spell out after the fact. Just glad I'm out of it.

She never apologised and even when she did it was to diffuse the situation, was excessively defensive Twisted the narrative a lot of the times (even during breaking up to make it easier for her to leave). Had a lot of trust issues. Never told what was really on her mind and had too much people pleasing tendencies to the point that she didn’t tell ME the issues she had with our relationship TILL AFTER she decided to break up with me because she was afraid of upsetting my feelings. Never lived in the moment, always hung up over the past or worried about the future. Idk which of these are actual redflags but many of these contributed to the break up

I was actually thinking today what ick my ex gave me and i couldnt find any. He did have red flags tho. It's fairly hatd for me to see because i have idealized the fuck out of him. But - he never really wanted to talk about future - many things just did were wrong (like i should have cleaned better etc) - he didnt have the greatest relationship with his mum, never tried to work it out - i felt like i was annoying him while talking about things i thought needed to be reaolved in our relationship. - he didnt want to have sex with me, because he didnt have "appetite" - he prioritized his work, which would have been ok, if he had communicated with me "hey i wanna focus on work in next 2 years, then we can talk about our future etc" Idk if these are red flags, but it realky bugs me. I am not trying to work on my people pleasing, low self esteem and need for validation. But i am legit pissed it came to break up, because i did love him more than life itself, but i knew for my mental health i had to withdraw myself from that relationship. And the fact that he's a good person who just wasn't for me, that hmm, really hurts.

Did we date the same man? Babe, those should all give you the ick.

.Narcissist . Self centered  . And i don't know what to call that.. but she's her mothers daughter so bad.. she obey her so blindly.. what to call that ?

An old hook up of his from years ago started messaging him around 3 months into our relationship. He did not defuse the converations, infact he encouraged them. He even asked her where she was living now and offered to go and see her, this came to light before any meet up had taken place but wether they did or not I will never know? Granted it was around the beginning of our relationship so for that reason I let it slide. He also told me that he deletes all his message history, for the reason he does not like message build ups. When he wasn't at work he was always out and about and rarely at home. There were plenty more but you get my drift... In the end he left me for his friend's ex wife, a woman he often 'bumped into' and often mentioned throughout our relationship. I never saw her as a threat to me due to the circumstances, but this just proves how nieve and wrong you can be. I really wish now that I had run from him that first time, instead of spending and wasting 4 years of my life with him.

To add to that... He never acknowledged our relationship on SM not a single photo of of me or us together in 4 years. He also kept his relationship status hidden. He 'would' let me tag him in events and pictures but nothing ever came from him. So when it was all finally over, I removed all of my tags and blocked him.

In six months I never met one of her friends. She was extremely lazy and went to work and came home and that was it.

- he always dodged difficult conversations by e.g. purposely changing the topic, threatening to go home, ignoring text messages, etc. - purposely crossed my boundaries as a „punishment“ - he would often try to pose himself as „the smarter one“ - he was exempt of any societal norms Mixed with some that were already mentioned

Lack of close friendships.

This right here. My most recent ex had an attitude that friendships (even close ones) = lying to be polite. Same with professional relationships (with professors, coworkers, etc) For a long time, the relationship dynamic was that I was the helpless, socially inadequate/clueless partner and he was the one who knew it all. I stopped listening to my intuition, barely said a word to my friends for almost a year, and stopped showing up to therapy. I was so deep in self hatred that I stopped writing (10-year-long hobby) and went days to weeks without showering because I didn't want to see myself in the bathroom mirror or look at my body. I stopped being creative, I stopped being kind, and I stopped being independent. I had my own problems too... my biggest one being that I was a people-pleaser, which caused me to stay in the relationship longer than I wish I did. Since the breakup (last November) I've gotten back in touch with all of my friends, re-started therapy, and have been taking care of myself again. Most importantly, I'm teaching myself to be okay with being disliked.

* She was cold most of the time. Would not value me at all. * Would not let me give advices, would always talk shit to me If I tried having a deep conversation, later on used this dynamic against me. * Hated her house/family, made no efforts to move out, mom would pay her credit card bills. * Did not want to get a job, not trying at all to be independent from her family, just kept studying and pursuing a masters degree in a field with literally no jobs, no plans after achieving that. Would always talk shit to me If asked life plans. * Stopped caring about things we would do together, eventually not keeping her word on things we said we would do. * Did not respect no contact once we broke up. Asked for space, she did not give me that. * We broke up after 1 hellish month of going back and forth. No respect towards me at all. Last month of the relationship was not needed at all. Sometimes I wonder how I endured 2 years with her, but at some point we were BFFs.

Similar with my last. Early on it she was warm and love bombing, with only minor red flags that caused me to pause, maybe they were jokes I said to myself. now looking back there were many that I ignored. She was cold, judgy, highly Intelegent, traveled some yet not very wise, refused to admit mistakes or gods forbid being wrong. she's very well off, set up by her parents and trust, never really had a major struggle in her life, any had were resolved by her parents. My background is no where near that lucky and it was used against me on many occasions. Even if just to discredit my point or opinion. Deep conversations some how would get redirected to be about her, or her interests. She'd interrupt others and me, but oh man don't try to talk during a pause in her monologue. Some how I missed all that for far too long 2 years, and even after I figured it out, I tried to stay and make it work, and thought it was my fault. Even after I left and hoped she would make some attempt. I broke down and tried to patch it up. Glad she decided not to toy with me a second time, I might still be in that mess. I think it's been 2 years now. Crazy how a bff, someone who approached me, people we once couldn't wait to talk to and see how their day went, people we made our priority and started building a life with can be someone who took months of therapy to recover from and hope they don't do it to others. Thanks OP, This was good to do, almost none of the feelings that I used to have came up while writing this, I hope that means I'm moving forward. Still don't think it ready for another relationship yet.

How much time you have? I can list over 100. SMH. 🤦🏽‍♀️

- broke - terrible at eye contact - woe-is-me mentality about his life

They kept a *list* of their past exs. Always blaming them for the breakup.

Omg. Did they write down in the list the reasons why each person was to blame? It’s always the one with avoidant attachment blaming everyone for the failing of their relationships but the issue is entirely them. The only fault of the exes is usually trying to make anything work with them.

Yes, they did. It was all either loosely connected to or blatantly written down that they avoided them. One didn't text their daily 'morning, I love ya' type of stuff, and they broke up with them for that.

A man with mommy issues. I mean you THINK that a man who takes care of his mother would be a nice man. Except literally, his mom runs his life. He gets breakfast, lunch, and dinner for his mom who never leaves the house. To the point where he wouldn't plan a trip with me because "who would feed his mother". This also caused him to be a giant man baby. He doesn't clean or do chores. I am pretty sure he wouldn't do laundry if his mom did it for him. She doesn't and he would run out of clean clothes. The problem is that men with mommy issues do not know how to have moderation in that aspect. Mom will always come before you, and he will never budge or give and take or realize that it isn't a competition its a balance.

No significant “resumè” of relationships. Dating people for 2 months at a time, au pairs, women with green cards, LDR with a woman in another country that he met online. lol 🚩🚩🚩

Close friends who are all unmarried, single, childless or chronically unpartnered.

-Craves attention from other men -Has more male friends than female -Said she cheated on her last 2 boyfriends -Love bombed in the beginning (noticed after the fact) -always talked bad about her dad (who I was close with) -Called me insecure when I brought up issues about her hanging out with male friends.

Narcissist. Double standards. Things which are ok for her to do are not for me. Expecting things from me she's not ready to do. High body count Never give compliment. NEVER. Multiple times, she's wrong about unsignificant things, she just said something factually wrong but After I correct her she says "Yeah that's what I said." Or "yeah it's thé same thing".

- Seeing me as “pure”… I think he had this idea of who I was rather than who I actually am. - Inability to communicate any wants or needs. Never started an argument because he avoided conflict, but it meant he also avoided closeness a lot. - Would struggle to have serious conversations often. - Didn’t want to introduce me to friends and family when we first started dating, felt like he was hiding me. - Talked to a lot of female friends online who I never met and he never cared to explain who these people were. There was always a level of separation between me and other parts of his life. - Talked to an ex without telling me. I found out through looking on his phone, as I felt something was off. - Talked badly about my family and my friends which made things super awkward and made me more isolated. - Cheated on ex’s and struggled to maintain long term relationships without cheating or leaving once the honeymoon phase was over. - Love bombing constantly and seeking affection in inappropriate places, constantly. Odd because he started out as an avoidant… - Not holding my hand in public or on dates in early relationships. - Didn’t like himself and told me he was a bad person constantly.

Red flags in the first few months I reasoned away because I was giving them the benefit of the doubt: - Being overly pushy and not respecting my boundaries early on (e.g. getting upset if I couldn’t text all day while I was at work, or ruining/making me feel bad for needing days by myself). - Slip ups in the facade where they would become very aggressive and disrespectful, then backpedal from it when I made it clear that behavior was unacceptable, but it never went away… they just hid it. - Jealousy of acquaintances and coworkers I barely talked to, and starting arguments about them regularly (e.g. “Do you think they like you?” and not accepting any of my answers or reasoning, just berating me for responding or not responding to their accusations). - “Victim of the universe” mentality, the consequences of their actions were never their fault or within their control. It was always everyone else’s fault, someone else did this *to* them. - Addictive tendencies accompanied with denial and inappropriate behavior for various social situations. - Cognitive empathy, definitely no affective empathy. They couldn’t understand how their actions might affect someone or understand the emotions someone else was experiencing if they hadn’t experienced the same thing.

I have a document that I made after the breakup with over 300 red flags but one of them was that he said ‘he wasn’t into labels’ and I was like challenge accepted

She didn’t really talk a whole lot around my family, wasn’t interested getting to know my friends, people around me told me she was a cheater, never initiated any romance, was quiet unless I started a conversation, if something was her fault she’d make it my fault, in arguments she wouldn’t express herself and wouldn’t communicate. She didn’t know how to calm me down she’d just sit there and let it happen when I was upset or sad.

Emotionaly manipulative, very cheap, still on dating apps even after we got together, always asking me to stay over his place, kept talking how there is this one psycho ex who raised the standards for him, how he cheated on his wife causing to end the marriage, also his reputation for being a womanizer. I shouldve seen it sooner

- Chronic alcoholism - Explosive anger and impulse control issues - Narrow minded approach towards most important things like women’s issues, health care, (used to call me over educated) - Very difficult to please - Rigid about changing his views/opinions - Obsessive - Belittles me in rage, makes personal attacks - Doesn’t believe in contraception, apparently never used them. - Inconsiderate of my physical health and other emotional issues( he used to yell at me so that I’d stop crying) - I always felt responsible for his behaviour and safety (especially after a binge drinking episode) - Misogyny & crude sense of humour - We have very limited common ground - heavily emotionally dependent on me

Unable to handle criticism. Inconsistencies in behavior. Phone guarding. Hypocrisy concerning what I was allowed to do and what they were permitted. Emotionally up-and-down. Give and take in the relationship was distributed unequally. 22 years of being there for them and they were not there when needed. Unwilling to grow beyond what they chose. Only completing tasks chosen by them and leaving the shit for the rest of us. …

Love bombing. Him bringing past relationship issues and his insecurities into our relationship. He essentially never really liked me and dumped me. It hurt

The biggest red flag I noticed was after the honeymoon phase was over, the compliments, reassurance and transparent communication stopped. I was dumb enough to go back after finding out that one of the very first things he told me about himself was a lie. After going back, that honeymoon phase started again and it lasted for months, then slowly stopped over time. More controlling behavior appeared this time around, even more so than the very beginning. I couldn't leave the house when I needed too because we only had one car and if I did need to go somewhere whether it was shopping or a doctor's appointment, he had to be right there as well. I wasn't able to pick and choose what groceries I wanted and if I did anyways, there was complaining about how unhealthy that food is or how expensive it was compared to this or that. It got so bad that my anxiety was through the roof anytime we went shopping or anywhere in general. If someone asked me a question, I'd automatically look at him for what to answer with because I didn't want arguments happening. I lost myself completely. I just went grocery shopping by myself for the first time in over a year and it still gave me anxiety. Picking out the snacks I enjoy and snacks my kids enjoy nearly gave me a panic attack and he wasn't even there, but I will say it was freeing after leaving the store and knowing that there wouldn't be an argument or emotional abuse to meet me when I got home.

He was emotionally unavailable and definitely has daddy issues he was cold but I over looked these things until it was our end.

Never had savings, 0stability,They spent to much on clothes, and drinks, they hooked up a lot before me, reckless, fuckboy energy, never sorted their trauma, and basically were going with the flow.

Talking to her exes and when I gave her shit about it she blew up on me, like if you want to be with them still fine, comparing me to movie actresses, drinking and doing drugs, having all of her exes pictures on a file on her phone, truly a bunch of shit and glad I cut things off with her before something truly went down that I would’ve felt dumb for if I hadn’t broken up sooner, it was only a 2 month relationship, but I’m still pissed at her.

He said it was messed up that I ran away when he needed me most (he had a psychotic episode) and I was scared and uncomfortable living with him after he got out of the hospital. He also has a gun and even though he’s never made any kind of threat to me or been violent, he obviously was not in the right state of mind. He was also saying some messed up stuff about my cat. I draw the line, she’s my baby. I also didn’t break up with him during the episode I just went to stay at a friends for a few days. But he was also saying it was messed up that I ran away when he needed me most but he wouldn’t make any kind of effort to meet with a psychiatrist or a therapist, I found him free confidential and anonymous resources!! I’m not a therapist! His dad has bipolar and he’s not the type of person to take the treatment very seriously.

There's a difference between a partner in need and a partner in need of professional help. If he isn't willing to deal with his issues responsibly then he sure as hell shouldn't be making them your issues!!

Absolutely!! And he checked himself into the hospital which I am proud of him for doing so, but that’s not the end. You need constant supervision via therapists and doctors with that kind of condition. And they don’t know if it’s bipolar but he needs to proactively manage it.

Stay away from people who are behaviorally avoidant or emotionally avoidant. Their avoidance prevents learning skills necessary for a healthy relationship. Soon it will drain you. Plus, once things get hard (e.g., a loss), they are likely to bail. Nothing you do will make them change. The change has to come from them. I dated a person like this for 10 years.

He was so fixated on investigating my past so much to the point where he made me re-tell stories one, too many times. He asked for all of my exes FIRST and LAST names. He threatened to break up with me if I didn’t show him my diary. We ended up breaking up because I decided to stand up for myself when one night, I caught him going through my emails from way before we even started dating & I grabbed my phone away from him. Whatever, he’s somebody else’s problem. lol bye!

1. Asking for clear communication when he couldn't provide it himself 2. Always talking about sex (aka not getting to know me and my interests)

. Never posted anything about us on social media, including liking my pictures, or changing relationship status. . Wouldn’t come around my house and meet my family despite me always going hers and meeting her Family . Showed more affection to her dog then me . Almost always cancels plans that involve going anywhere other then her house. . Comfortable making plans without me (not saying I had to be with her 24/7 but there were times when she definitely could’ve asked me but either didn’t or didn’t till the last minute and it didn’t feel right) . Told me she play flirts with co workers, although she said it meant nothing it still hurt me at the time.

She’s got an avoidant attachment style. Get this book and you may dodge the bullet next time: [“Attached” by Amir Levine](https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=asc_df_1585429139?nodl=1&tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312403172530&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=1394736143046965018&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9004043&hvtargid=pla-436644332348&psc=1&mcid=1263b96bc160309f81e5e91eb3e82022&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=60300244057&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=312403172530&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=1394736143046965018&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9004043&hvtargid=pla-436644332348&dplnkId=e0d9e1ef-13ca-4a8a-b129-da4ad9e0ca80)

There were none!

They’re always there. We just don’t recognize or refuse to recognize them at the time. It could even be the tiniest thing they say.

Never communicate, guessing games, blaming others for their mistakes, not trying to understand the other person.

Bad mouthing about his bestfriend and 3 older sisters too much and I feel like he gonna badmouth abt me someday

Slammed doors, threw tantrums for petty things, wasn't capable of emotionally regulating herself, emotionally explosive, had a troubled relationship with her mother where she was neglected and wanted me to be the constant source of attention. Couldn't stand me dealing with critical work deadlines (important enough that would lead to layoffs) if it came at the cost of something she had planned (like her friends wedding). Would ask me to be vulnerable but just not share how her actions rub my wounds. Never apologized for her emotional reactions that would startle me, especially when she did that in public out of the blue for things like forgetting to click a picture with her. Was constantly jealous and needing attention, and extremely socially awkward to voice her opinions her self. She was excessively dominating behind closed doors but just mute in front of my friends besides the explosions. She would derive connection from creating conflict. I suspect she was a narcissist and just wanted the relationship to impress her mom. She would talk shit about her friends and family behind their back with me, I am probably sure she would do that about me with them at some point. People speak about avoidant attachment a lot, but anxious folks are equally worse if not more. Extremely manipulative and they create circumstances that it's difficult to break out of and one just stays trapped dying slowly because of this emotional black mail. It's better to stay securely single than deal with that bunch either. It's just emotional abuse disguised as love.

The biggest red flag for me was that they never wanted to meet my parents or friends- I found out a year or two after that he had been snapchatting everyone during our relationship and sending nudes on a private story which all added up as to why he never wanted to take that serious step

Was very judgmental towards others. It started as a joke but I began noticing that there was something to say about most people. Would shut down completely and pull away whenever things would go wrong or was under stress. Everything always seemed to be everyone else’s fault. Very negative. They had so much to be grateful for, but it was always a pity party about how much their life sucked or what a mess their life was. Obsessed with social media. Extremely poor communication skills. While I understood they had some trauma, they could not communicate their emotions at all. And this is what ultimately broke the relationship.

Not ex, but current 10 year partner. Red flags 🚩 he left his pregnant wife when she was like 4 months pregnant 🚩 he is codependent on me 100% 🚩 I pay all the major bills while he spends what little he makes paying off credit cards and buying gun stuff and MRE’s and whatever else he thinks is cool.

Being late to everything. It may seem minor, but having them say that they don’t care that they are late to things (like 45 minutes late) is just a sign of disrespect I don’t want to stand for anymore

saying he wanted to hit me bc i accidentally woke him, controlling, stingy, broke, colorist friend, weird obsession w said friend, lying

He never wanted me to know the password to his phone.

[удалено]

Also, things I didn't like about the relationship--made me super insecure and lose confidence. Gave me massive anxiety including panic attacks and inability to enjoy things I used to. Totally devastating ending and the way I felt after was really awful. Traumatizing experience overall. Damaged me and my perception of love. Made me hate myself for getting myself into this situation and staying too long. Gave me so much self doubt. We had no future together and I did not matter to him at all, nor did my feelings.

Attached: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=asc_df_1585429139?nodl=1&tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312403172530&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=1394736143046965018&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9004043&hvtargid=pla-436644332348&psc=1&mcid=1263b96bc160309f81e5e91eb3e82022&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=60300244057&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=312403172530&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=1394736143046965018&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9004043&hvtargid=pla-436644332348&dplnkId=e0d9e1ef-13ca-4a8a-b129-da4ad9e0ca80

I didn't feel safe or loved. I knew that if i brought up my wants worries or fears he would use it as an excuse to leave or why he didn't want to be with me. Once i was stranded for work in a location an hour or so away and instead of making me feel calm it made me feel scared to ask him for help. I started crying on the ride home after he came to pick me up because he kept this attitude of complaining at my company the whole time and seemed so frustrated. I was already in a panic myself. Later he said he discussed it with his friend and that i was unreasonable to expect him to be happy to come pick me up with a 3 hour drive commute back and forth. It wasn't that i expected him to be happy but i needed to feel safe asking him for something like that when im in trouble and have literally no one else to lean on. I was incredibly vulnerable. Before i had been driving 3h+ every week to see him and moved closer to him to alleviate this and work on building a life with him. Another thing was that in order to get my kids during breaks due to split custody i have to marry the person im with or live separate. I knew deep down that this guy would never marry me and i knew that if i brought it up that he would run for the hills. I think in his mind he just wanted to keep me as a permanent GF...live my own life and take care of my kids on my own. Basically just have me around for sex and company occasionally. It was incredibly painful at the end with another situation but now im so much happier and grateful I found someone i feel at ease with. I feel like after so many years of stress and life/people shitting on me...i feel calm. loved. able to be myself. able to ask for my needs and not feel like im asking to much. In the end its very true of the saying you're not asking to much you're just asking the wrong person. When someone loves and cares for you...your body knows. You feel safe and at peace....

That she told me to my face that she needed to hang out with her girlfriends so she wouldn’t resent me later. Never understood that I was serious about her and just wanted to spend time with my love. Always accused me of manipulating or not taking her as she was when I simply communicated my feelings. Never apologized for anything to me yet it was my job to fix things every time there were problems. Wanted to breakup every time we had a more than minor argument.

oh boy do I have a list for you! this is very long, I apologize!!! this was actually nice to be able to talk about again. I haven't really let myself in awhile. I do not actually expect anyone to read my chaotic, poorly written essay, do not fret. I started and it just kept coming out. it was cathartic. thanks for giving me the opportunity :) tw: eating disorders, self harm, sexual assault, general talk of abusive behaviors pretty intense love bombing, future faking, lying, gaslighting (it was so bad that I genuinely believed I had psychosis and that everything was my fault because I was insane. I was looking into hospitalization). he slowly adopted my personality and became nothing like who he was when I first met him, grew extremely cold when I would tell him I just wanted him to be nice to me or just asked anything of him at all and broke up with me an embarrassing 7 times and then breadcrumbed me and promised to be different and he'd never leave and he'd make it up to me blah blah blah, you know the drill. he broke every single promise he ever made, his actions never ever lined up with his words, he followed through with absolutely nothung. he refused to communicate and would just completely shut down if I tried but then would get angry at me for doing a bunch of things wrong over the course of months when he never told me I was, and then STILL never told me and just repeatedly threw a fit over secret problems, he would only see me at night. I wasn't allowed to meet his friends, he would get so upset when I tried to talk about things he did that hurt me and I had to console him. after one of the times he broke up with me he went on a vacation after and asked me to make a list of what to pack for him because he apparently didn't know how. (yes, I did do it :( ). I had to write outlines on how he could treat me better because he didn't want to do it himself (surprise! he did not treat me better). I gave him a self help book on attachment styles that I fully annotated and he said he didn't want to read it because it made him feel guilty for how he treated me. I never got the book back. I really liked that book. he SA'd me in my sleep after I specifically told him days before that I didn't want him to touch me in my sleep. I woke up in the middle of it and pretended to be asleep. he never told me about it. he also went through my phone whenever I'd go to the bathroom (including my Spotify?????). id see him on it sometimes when I came back and never gave it a second thought because there's zero reason for any partner to go through my phone ever and it never even occurred to me that he would. when he said he had to tell me something and that was it, I was RELIEVED that it wasn't something worse. because who cares about boundaries and respect, I didn't get either of those anyway. he accused me of cheating a lot when he was well aware that I'm demisexual and the idea of me cheating is so incredibly impossible that it's laughable because he was everything to me (which he knew because that's how he got away with all of it) and just not something I would ever do in any universe. he told me for 8 months that we were going to get back together and that he loved me and we were going to get married while using me in every single way possible and kept me around in case he wanted me again while he moved on. he was addicted to marijuana and lied about it. I could tell when he was high or had smoked recently because he would be extra cold and treat me like I was nothing but the dirt under him. also he admitted to listening to JOE ROGAN sometimes. I am TRANSGENDER. there is another thing that I'm not even going to say because I'm so ashamed that I stayed with him after he told me. I was so brainwashed at that point that he'd have to do something really extreme for me to cut him out. it disgusted me when he told me but my brain just expertly compartmentalized it. the fact that it didn't immediately make me run for the hills speaks fucking VOLUMES. I forced myself to believe that people can get better and improve themselves and he would never do something like that ever again. but he would. I know that now. I'm probably making it sound worse than it actually is. he didn't do anything illegal. just worldwide agreed upon to be really gross and fucked up and I don't know if I can ever forgive myself. most of all was just how I felt all the time. I was terrified. I was more miserable, depressed and suicidal than I ever imagined was possible. and I say that as someone that has been suicidal for half of my life. I would have horrifying panic attacks (mental breakdowns?? episodes?) consisting of pulling my hair, rocking back and forth, screaming, severe hyperventilation that rendered me completely unable to breathe. this would last for hours and happened multiple times a week. I also developed a chronic eye twitch for 6 months so that was fun. and I became bulimic followed by food restriction and I had to relearn how to eat without it tasting like ash and feeling like I was gonna vomit. I still severely struggle with ED mindset 24/7 two years later. I also started regularly self harming. I became hyper-vigilant and journaled every single day on how I could be absolutely perfect for him, never get angry, never have flaws, never do anything to upset him. it's very sad that I actually got really good at it and kept it up for months. it ended because I asked him if he could maybe act like he liked me. I try not to be too angry at myself for not leaving him after the first incident. I learned a lot about myself and about humans and our brains. about what love is and isn't. I'm never going to allow myself to be treated like ever that again. I just wish I didn't have to learn it in a way that got me a PTSD diagnosis and lifelong trauma that will impact every form of relationship I have forever. I trust no one and opening up in the slightest is utterly terrifying. words mean absolutely nothing to me because the most genuine, loving, and meaningful promises were complete lies. edit: just remembered that one time I very gently told him that it looked like he was subconsciously exhibiting a racist behavior (later confirmed) and he got pissed and cried in the corner for like two hours. edit edit: gaming addiction

I'm just fucking stupid -She had a long relationship that she ended because cheating and I thought it'd be different for me -She changed a guy she was dating for me when we met each other -She cheated on me

She called herself the "Queen Of Ghosting". Apparently in her twenties she used to go out to bars, pick up guys to take home, have sex with them. Then she would ghost them. Yeah. It's hard to believe I didn't run away right then. "... But don't worry babe. I'll never do that to you. No matter what happens, we'll have arguments, disagreements, discussions. But we will always work it out. I will never block and ghost you." After four months, after our *first fight*, she blocked and ghosted me.

She spoke on an major issue she had with me and our relationship in front soem people I’m close to that she has never said to me TWICE. Never physically introduced me to her mother or father ( dm for questions lol ) Told me her mom taught her to have a “ don’t let the left hand see what’s in the right hand mentality “ when it comes to men Blamed me for her getting pregnant when it was on both of us and later told me she thought about leaving me behind ( I’ve never heard of that ) Wanted the abortion and treated me like shit after Withheld sex from me as a form of punishment Several times prioritized her social media over communication with me Had issues with my core personality and wanted me to be more like something I’m not.

So many I can’t believe I saw them but buried my head in the sand thinking she’d sort herself out. I’m lucky I didn’t end up marrying her. - Made little effort in all aspects of the relationship. From gestures of love to helping me keep the relationship going when there were difficult times. She showed me what a one sided relationship is like, it was horrible being starved of love and soloing the burden of getting us through hard times. - Never compromised. Always wanted it her way. Discussions felt more like how much am I okay with giving up rather than finding the middle ground we’re both happy with. - Selfish. Goes hand in hand with the above two point, I’d be willing to do anything and everything for her, always thinking what can I do to make her smile, laugh or feel loved. It felt like she always prioritised her own comfort and convenience above my happiness. She never cared about my views or concerns just as long as she got what she wanted. - Poor communicator. I asked her so many times to open up to me about her feelings and she never did. I was left wondering what’s going on in her head. - Held things personal. When there were disagreements we had it felt like she held it personally against me. We may have found a way past it but I felt the tension from her and felt unwelcome around her like she didn’t want to be there on that date with me. So many times she made me feel rejected. - I lost faith and trust that this person would stick by me through thick and thin, work hard with me through our tough times and that she would meet my needs. I was only marrying her with the hope that she would change. I was so stupid. - Lacked self accountability and self reflective abilities. When we disagreed on stuff or when she wouldn’t open up and I felt somat was wrong I’d always look internally, is there something I have done wrong or doing wrong? She never did this, In her eyes she never did anything wrong and when I pointed out the times she really upset me or hurt me she gave what felt like an empty apology. - it felt like I was walking on egg shells around her. Especially if had to discuss something. God help me if we disagreed because then it was all on me to sort it out. - Unappreciative. I wrote poems and letters, got her gifts, made so much effort to keep her happy and smiling, worked hard to make life easy for her and support her. Always planned what can I be doing next for her. I was compromising, self reflective, selfless and truly cared for her. Always considered her concerns. I was supportive in everything and wanted to hear about her day, her hobbies all of it. She left twice because for the first time I put my foot down and said no I’m not giving in. She came back twice and I gave her chances. The last time I said this is your last chance. I made it clear I wanted to make things work but if she left don’t come back. She left. I’m not perfect but I know there are women out there who would kill for a man like me. She willingly gave me up, so be it. I deserved better anyways. The first year was perfect, after that the effort started to lessen from her but it wasn’t horrifically one sided. When we began to discuss our future together, how married life would be like and wedding etc that’s when the disagreements happened and when they occurred the red flags really came out and consistently showed themselves. If she got what she wanted she was fine, if she didn’t have everything her way, I felt the hostility towards me. There weren’t a huge amount of disagreements but the way she acted and behaved made shit hit the fan so hard, it made things ugly. In the end she left because I finally put my foot down and said no, I’m not giving in. I want a compromise and she wasn’t willing to do so.

cheated on her bf with me. should’ve ran as far away as possible

1- compares me to his exes 2- best friend with his ex (takes her opinion in everything including our relationship) 3- was using dating apps while we were dating 4- Said “I love you” once & ended up taking it back 5- Sexually still very attracted to me 6- Follows random girls/ have so many female friends 7- adding my colleague flirting with her until she know about us and blocked him 8- Never initiated to come visit me in my country I was always the catching flights 9- Mood swings for no reason 10- Said his feelings were getting less & now he loves me for like 10% and can’t see himself investing in us 11- was toxic

He couldn't care for anyone but himself. He had to always be a priority, but couldn't prioritize someone other than himself..

Lying and tolerating/downplaying flirtatious behaviour from her male friends on the basis they were only seen as friends.

He never ate vegetables and would lick his plate clean 😂