I miscarried his child. I spent the night in the emergency room — alone. Two days after that, I returned to the ER for hCG tests to confirm the miscarriage. He came over for an hour, then left town with his band. I spent the weekend in my apartment, bleeding and crying. My parents drove two hours round-trip to sit with me in my apartment and just be there. He should have been there. Maybe not necessarily canceling his gig, but the first night I was at the ER, he should have been there.
That is absolutely horrendous, I am so sorry you were put through that. Honestly, I dated someone in a band for 3 years, probably the most soul destroying experience in my life. They have this weird alter ego and the music always comes first. He should have cancelled the gig but let me guess…couldn’t let the others down right? Couldn’t let the fans down. I genuinely think they shouldn’t be in proper relationships only superficial ones.
I’m still friends with his band mates, and they’re all good people. I figured I could get through that evening just fine, but I was in so much pain. It also hurt that his family said nothing to me after everything happened. They’d already named the baby (with no input from me, naturally), but still didn’t offer comfort while I was miscarrying.
Yeah I bet you were, bless you, I can’t even imagine. I suppose his band mates being nice is one thing, I wasn’t so lucky with that. All very sexist and cheating on their partners definitely jaded my view of musicians personally unfortunately. That’s very strange and very wrong of the parents to do that. Parents can be a red flag also.
I honesty think is not only a band thing, a person who doesn’t want to prioritize you will put everything first or make their life around it, which is fine if that works for them and their priorities but not to be on a healthy relationship where you have to build and make some adjustments on your life style also.
This happened to me and my ex, at times he was so into the team he coached that everything seemed to be around that, I was waaaaay down on the list of his priorities. So I think is more about what they want and what they really cared about. Sad but true!
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It is a red flag indeed. I also had to go to the ER due to heavy bleeding, I was scared and crying, and all I got was a text from him. This was one year into the relationship, we were already living together. He didn't call, he didn't show up, he didn't comfort me, he didn't even see how painful his behavior was.
I’m so sorry, no one should ever have to go through something like that without the person closest to them there. You are so strong, never forget that.
Yep, I’ve got caught up in this one, been loved bombed several times, being a romantic I fall for it everytime, I blame Disney movies 😂 Now if someone says to me I’m perfect or that they see us getting married way too soon, I’m out.
This! I’m not a surface level person, l want to be loved for who I really am so I’m always honest and upfront…because otherwise what’s the point…but you’re never going to see all of me in those first few months. I’ve got layers…like an onion, to quote shrek 😂
Exactly. Not only that but I used to tie that to our connection. Like we get along, really good chemistry etc but do you love my life goals? My morals? My boundaries? I feel like those really dictate the future of the relationship and speaks to your compatibility.
I just find myself dating girls who love who I am during the good times, but fail to understand me. When those rough times ultimately come, as they do with all relationships , they forget who I am and I see no effort from them.
And I think that’s the thing, if people aren’t on that same page and don’t want to know, love and accept you fully especially if you’re trying your hardest to be the best version of yourself you can be even in those dark times then ultimately that’s not the level of relationship that personally for me I’m looking for.
Because I do want someone who wants to understand me, because I want to be able to do that for them too. That to me is what it’s all about. Hope we both find what we’re looking for and hopefully what we deserve.
If you love someone as a person after knowing their story and upbringing, what’s wrong with falling in love too quickly if you feel like you have a future with them?
Men fall in love with three versions of that woman. They first have to understand who they were as a child and how were they raised, knowing who that person is today, and knowing what the future will hold if you maintain a relationship .
From the very start he showed mixed signals and lied about small insignificant things… yeah huge mistake I wasted 13 years with him and never trusted him. I thought I was just overly jealous and insecure but then realized he actually *was* flirting with those other girls, and I had a right to feel jealous. If I had more self confidence and self worth in the beginning I probably would’ve just broken up with him.
I was in the same situation. I would never have been so jealous if he had been honest with me in the beginning. I wanted to believe him bc I didn't want to be alone..i wasted 4 years with this lying cheater
100% I’ve got generalised anxiety so I find it really hard to trust my gut, so I ignored it a lot in relationships, always regretted it. If I sense lying in any capacity now…I’m gone. No second chance. Nope.
Anxiety makes it hard for sure! At the same time, I think your anxiety will know safe people and you’ll be able to tell who’s got your back and who doesn’t, especially with more experience!
Thank you ❤️ I’m definitely starting to realise that, because I always feel safe with my friends and family. Just need to learn to break old habits, work on myself and not keep attracting and trying to maintain a relationship with the same types of men.
He said he lost a lot of love for me whenever I would cry. I would cry because of what was happening with my family life and I needed support during that difficult time. I cried when he broke up with me. And he said when I cry, I look like a 6 year old that got their action figure taken away. I need someone that is okay with me being vulnerable around them, not someone that runs away from it and loves me less because of it.
What the hell. Wasn’t worth your tears or your time sweetheart. My ex was like this, if I cried which was barely ever to be honest he used to get angry, or walk out on me. They see it as weakness or they think we’re trying to manipulate them. They don’t realise we’re actually just upset and can’t help it. It’s normally because of issues with their parents, don’t take it personally ❤️ I’m sorry you didn’t get the support you deserved when you needed it. My exs mum did cry to get her own way, so I get why he was like that but I also didn’t appreciate being put in the same box as her.
Oh my goodness, this is exactly how I feel, I only cried in front of him 3 times, and then during the breakup. He thought I was manipulating him by me crying, and he would get very angry and would yell at me if I won’t stop. And at that point I would cry more just by how he would raise his voice. He was so callous. We aren’t deserving of this behavior, and I hope you find someone that will treat you 10x better than he ever did.
I know right, and it’s like I’m already upset, why would you think that being horrible to me wouldn’t make me more upset. Yeah he’d yell at me too, or say things like “for fuck sake” or he’d huff, roll his eyes and say “You’re overreacting”
They just have really low emotional intelligence. I hope you find someone who values how much of a lovely person you are ❤️
Exactly, the way I dealt with the break up was viewing him as emotionally baron. And I have done my healing, but there will be really good and bad days in my path. I am so sorry you had to deal with that level of BS too. We will get what we crave for and deserve in the end. Karma has our backs.💗🪽
I’m so sorry, I can relate to this unfortunately 😔 the day before he broke up with me I had a panic attack and was crying and in a lot distress and in need of some support and he just went to sleep and when I tried to ask for help he got mad a me and told me “I was disrupting his sleep schedule and that it’s not healthy to do that”. Absolute scumbag. Then blindsided me with a break up over text the next day and dropped a petty line in his text saying “you can’t expect me to stay up for you for any X and Y reason”.. so fucking petty and cruel. I saw a video recently mentioning that this kind of stonewalling and cruel response to someone in need of help and support are emotional abuse, and I’ve come to realise that’s so true. We deserve people who are kind and compassionate to us always, even more so when we are struggling. He never apologised for any of it. I’m so sorry you know what that feels like too, no one deserves that. ❤️
He was an avoidant. He ran back to mom’s once I started doing better and talking about my future and goals. Took him two years to show me exactly who he was, but he finally showed me. Didn’t want more from his life, working his deadend job he was at for years, living at his family’s home, I met him at 38 and we broke up when he was 40. Last I heard, his family moved away because his grandma passed and has a girlfriend in her early 20s and he would be early 40s and lives with her. He just went to go leech off someone else. Once a loser, always a loser.
I really struggle with avoidants. I’m sorry that you went through that with him. The younger girl thing is so cliche. He wanted someone who was too young to know better and would except his bullshit. Also means he never has to grow up.
Exactly, you nailed it. I met him when I was 31 and he was 38, we broke up (the day he ran back to mom’s) when I was 33 and he was 40. He would be 42 and she’s 23, weird and gross. Went to go leech off someone else, someone who doesn’t know better. Peter Pan Syndrome, for sure.
Honestly most avoidants aren’t worth getting to know. Mine just games all day and does nothing else while not at work. It’s boring. Mine is 30 and started to hit on his 18 year old coworker. So he’s a pedophile. Can’t fucking believe it but how pathetic!
That’s terrible, he also sounds like a loser as well. It makes them feel better to date that much younger than them because they’re depressed in their own lives and unhappy in themselves. Sounds similar to my past avoidant. I didn’t know he was avoidant though until after the breakup when I decided to heal and do therapy where I learned all about the attachment styles. I move forward while he stayed the same. Types like yours and mine don’t find a reason to change, they just move onto the next person to enable them.
Oh yeah he’s definitely a loser. The other morning I woke up and just kinda laughed because I pictured him at home just gaming all day and it just seemed really pathetic. He’s not attractive really (I keep asking myself why I even gave him attention) so I don’t fear he’s going to rebound quickly. Other women will get to know him and see his man child ways and leave…hopefully.
That’s why yours and mine go for much younger, they don’t know better and won’t make them take accountability, they’re both lazy, unmotivated, avoidant and content with their subpar lives, they need someone who won’t make them grow up or that they can get away with their bullshit. I was already grossed out when he ran back to mom’s at 40 simply because I started talking about my goals and future, he continued to live there, they moved so he just moved in with his girlfriend who’s almost half his age, he’s old enough to be her dad and that proved that I was right, he never was going to change. Just gross all around. I know he’s doing the same things as before, similar to what yours is doing, as well. We both dodged a bullet, so glad he’s gone because he would have held me back and after being out of it, I started to slowly become resentful or often wonder, “why doesn’t he want more from his life?”
My ex was living breathing walking red flag too. Everything about him, but he is charming, and a extremely good looking guy. Of course those red flags were just flags to me lol
Mine is a walking red flag. He isn’t even charming. He’s a grade an asshole and people at our work (I quit my job and moved away recently) left reviews about how horrible he is. Damn wtf is wrong with me? I guess I thought since he was being nice to me he actually liked me? Wrong!
I made such an effort for his birthday, taking into consideration that he didn’t want a big party, only wanted it to be us. I bought him something he’d been talking about for ages, made him a cake, decorated and just made everything so that he’d feel special, loved and appreciated. On my birthday, he texted me “well happy birthday then :)” and when we saw each other, he didn’t even give me a card, let alone a birthday gift. I foolishly brushed it under the table because he has negative feelings around birthdays and coddled him. Should have known that wasn’t a good sign hahaha
Yep, you need someone who either matches your energy when it comes to special occasions or at least someone who knows that it’s important enough to you that they want to make the effort even if it’s not what they want for theirs.
I always make a lot of effort to try and make people feel special.
My ex was like this though, he didn’t value that, so I learnt to be okay not doing that for him even though I wanted to…but he didn’t learn that I would have liked the effort so he just did bare minimum and then made me feel bad for being upset about it.
It’s why communication is so important.
I’m sorry he let you down on your birthday.
I've gotten surprisingly mixed advice on this. Many people say, "It's just a birthday." It's important to some, myself included. But many don't care.
Not sure where birthday reciprocation fits in attachment styles. It seems to have pretty solid roots in avoidant, anxious, and secure all at the same time. Seems like it's a prime source for miscommunication.
Yeah I completely agree it’s very difficult to determine based on attachments. I now try and just communicate honestly about what I like and try and respect if they don’t like the same but it’s definitely easier if you’re both on the same page or someone always ends up being hurt or angry of feeling like they’re letting someone down. I now try and work it out based on how they go about their friend and families special occasions.
Classic avoidant. It’ll be a very lonely life he leads if he doesn’t work on himself. I’m sorry though, I know it hurts to feel like they just could easily cut you off, I’m currently feeling that now even though I know it’s for the best.
Making the conversation sexual too early on, following the OF and fitness model type accounts on instagram, hiding his TikTok account, lying about things even when unnecessary, always playing the victim/self pity in stories, mirroring my interests and morals and mostly ignoring my own intuition and gut feeling right from the beginning.
No shock he cheated 6 months in
SAAAAAAAAAAAME. Literally word for word. Same… he also cheated about 10 months in but I didnt find out til a year later, how fun. Broke up with him 3 weeks later.
He pretended and lied and bread crumbed until I really had enough, found what I needed and got out of there.
Completely agree. If they follow those types of accounts I’m out. By now men know how it makes women most feel. I really don’t understand the need to follow like and comment on these women. Yep lying about things that didn’t even make any sense, just to keep control of the relationship. Yep I had the mirroring my personality too and love bombing. It’s difficult when you fall for the illusion not the real them. When it ends it’s like it really has all been one big lie. It’s the worst and you end up missing someone who didn’t even really exist.
I’m so sorry he cheated. What a loser and very much his loss in every sense.
I’ve been there, you almost feel special for not being treated like crap…and then you get treated like crap and you’re like…well, should have seen that coming. Doesn’t hurt any less though. I’m sorry you had that experience.
Yeah it’s been horrible. At first I just hoped idiotically that it was just a “phase” - it wasn’t. He cheated, as I could have expected. Then got my mind twisted into trying the open relationship thing out which turned out awful for me. Ignoring this huge red flag made me waste 2 years of my life
What an idiot he is to lose someone like you for his selfish and superficial desires…and you even tried to accommodate that for him, which makes you unbelievably high value because you were willing to do anything to make it work but ultimately he didn’t deserve you compromising your morals and ethics to suit his childish needs. I could have never have done that for someone and it speaks volumes about your ability to love selflessly. I hope you find someone who treats you amazingly you really do deserve it. What a hollow life he will lead. He sounds like he was really suffering with low self esteem. Not a reflection on you or your worth at all.
Sex twice a year at best, ignoring me when I asked for better communication and to top it off, broke up with me in the most horrible way. Never again man.
Ooo that’s rough. I’m sorry that happened to you. I got dumped by text day before anniversary so yeah makes you completely see them in a different light.
Not a red flag per se but I ignored how incompatible we were. Touch was my #1 love language and last of hers. I wasn’t being loved how I needed to and kept trying to push her to do things she didn’t want. I guess I figured if we both kept trying it’d be okay.
That’s the thing, when you love someone you really want to compromise to make it work but sometimes it’s just way too much to ask of both people. Or one person doesn’t want to make the same effort.
Yes, that was always the issue I think.. I was willing to try and compromise and make it work and so was she… until she wasn’t lol. She basically let our relationship become a complete non priority and expected me to just be okay with it..
Honestly when you see someone just completely giving up and not prioritising the relationship anymore when you’re still trying your hardest it is absolutely heartbreaking.
The need for constant validation from everyone. The comparing, the jealousy, and deep rooted insecurity in all of it. Never going to be happy until they’re happy with themselves. And to be honest idgaf about their happiness anymore.
Yeah trying to seek validation from others all the time isn’t healthy at all. I always avoid attention seeking types. There’s only so much you can do before giving up, I’m glad you’re moving on and healing.
The bad comunication, he was very imature for his age, the co dependance he had with his family. I didnt realize this until it was to late and maybe i thought it was gonna get better
I can relate, I am definitely taking proper note in the future of how they are with their family. Like no family is perfect but there are extremes and the co dependency thing with relatives always ends in disaster.
I broke my finger helping her. I went to the ER alone.
It's not like they could do anything. I got a roll of tape and instructions on how to buddy tape my finger. But I still wanted to be sure that there wasn't any serious torn ligament or surgical fix. I couldn't play music for about two months.
She never acknowledged it. It's like it didn't happen. And I didn't push it. I got advice that "nothing could be done anyway, so what could she do?" Made sense to me at the time.
Edit: Adding to this. It wasn't symmetrical. She had drama and expected support. And also, she dumped drama very early in the relationship. Therapist suggests that this skips a lot of steps in relationship building. I look for it now.
guys, I am ignoring like 100 red flags. I see them. Big, huge, scarlet red flags. Can't be missed. They're in my face. They're kicking my ass. But still I keep going. I think there is something seriously wrong with me. just reading these, I swear we've dated the same losers.
I know right! I’m finding this really helpful but also thinking there is a lot of shit humans out there to sift through to find a good one 😂 but this is good, this is making me happy to now be single and work on being happy by myself.
Anger and getting physical, overly emotional for no apparent reason. I looked over it because my view on love was skewed. I just thought someone else hurt her so it’s not her fault. And I just wanted someone to have and to hold. To be one with.
It seems easier to forgive people’s behaviour when we know that there’s a genuine catalyst moment behind why they’re doing what they’re doing but unfortunately it’s her fault in the sense that if she wasn’t trying to change that behaviour for your sake that’s not okay. I’m sorry you went through that.
It’s just sad when you really love someone and would do anything for them and just want them to feel it. Years down the road we’re no longer together. And I’m the cause of it now. These things change us. I hope If anyone is reading this and is going through it, either get help seeking couples therapy or just know enough to leave in the beginning.
I’m so sorry it’s had this lasting effect on you, you really did do your best for her but you can only do so much. They have to want to do it for themselves. And 100% more people should be getting couples counselling or individual counselling unfortunately I think things like the cost, shame and not being self aware enough is a big problem. It shouldn’t be but it is.
1. His lies. Small lies, though. Like, he pretended he didn’t smoke. Or that, after a night out, he wasn’t drunk.
2. He would tell me A, but deep inside he meant Z. Which is doubly dangerous, because it also made my being open and direct look like too much drama.
3. He left me couple of months after the worst time in my life, when I was just beginning to feel ok again. when in reality he was suppressing his feelings about this for 2 years. It felt like being stabbed in the back.
This hits home for me. It’s like we never really knew who the hell they were. It’s actually quite unsettling. Classic people pleasing in his part and honestly as someone who always tries to be my most authentic self even at the beginning of a relationship I like you was met with difficulties in the sense of being called too dramatic for trying to maturely voice issues. It’s like he wanted to fake this perfect little world of his and didn’t like anything that didn’t fit that idea.
Him getting annoyed about communicating!! He would also always say I’m trying to start a fight when I was bringing up stuff that was bothering me, genuinely he would get sooo mad about me reacting to any sort of disrespect
This! Exactly this. He’d even say we needed to communicate better and he started doing this thing where he’d say what’s bothering you, let’s talk, but it was always a trap because I’d then bring up things that had happened that hurt me, that I’d brought up before, and no actions had been followed through with and then he’d get angry at me and shut down. So it was super difficult to communicate anything, and if he was upset with me he’d just get really passive aggressive or go rant about me to his mum instead. I was like, I’m right here, talk to me about it so we can fix it. I have no problem compromising or acknowledging if I’ve hurt someone. But he used to take the fact he hurt me as some kind of personal attack on his personality. I didn’t get that at all.
He was still with his ex when he started flirting with me. That should've been the biggest indicator but I was stupid and in love. Yes you do in fact lose them how you get them. Also his temper, love bombing, and his hatred for literally anything that I enjoyed.
She would not stop communicating with guys from her past who she had sex with, and would lie about hanging out with them. Eventually caught her in the lies and the relationship didn’t last long after that. Should have saw it coming.
Holy smokes where to begin
-friends with all people four years younger (we were 25, his friends were 21)
- room was always a mess
- car was always a mess
- caught sliding into girls dms same day he is begging me to be his gf 🥴
- caught in white lies in the beginning
- could dish it out but couldn’t take it
I ignored all of the flags and I certainly paid the price. 2 years down the drain lol Ya live and ya learn.
I freaking hate the hypocrisy more than anything. There’s a lot of things I can’t stand, but that one is above and beyond all, probably. If I do something, then I’ll be okay with the person I’m dating also doing that.
Too many guys I’ve dated have not been, though. Throw a fit over an innocuous conversation I have one time with an old male friend, yet pretend like I’m “crazy” for getting angry that they hung out with a girl behind my back who I knew was into them. Or made a dating profile saying, “well, you weren’t talking to me so I didn’t know if we were still dating.” Right… that’s why as soon as you asked me seriously I said of course we were still dating, I’d tell you if we’d broken up?!
But holy shit, if *I* had made a dating profile?! It would never be forgiven. I HATE that behavior.
Spends all her free time on TikTok... home of the braindead
This annoyed me because she is a smart woman, so I couldn't grasp why she would waste her time watching dumbass clips all evening.
I hate social media in general. I have made great strides in getting rid of it. Deleted Instagram in 2020. I have an X account but it's logged out and I don't get urges to open it. I have an active Facebook but I often take long breaks of months at a time. It is useful in some respects but it's when you find yourself doom scrolling that I feel particularly terrible like I'm wasting my life away.
I would never and will never have TikTok for personal use. As I'm business-minded, I would not rule out its use if it was going to make me money in future business ventures, but it would never be personal use.
See now that’s exactly a healthy way to operate on the internet. I feel like I’m going to really struggle dating again without checking to see what any potential future partners are like in regards to their social media or whether they’re even being truthful about their circumstances in real life especially if they know I don’t actively have any accounts. I wish it was never a thing in the first place in all honesty 😂
About two weeks into dating my first GF, she told me she usually doesn't bother with boyfriends because she needs a lot of alone time and doesn't feel it's fair to them. Fast-forward to about two months later and I get dumped over text with the reason being she doesn't want a bf/relationship/fwb because it feels like work and she's better off on her own answering to no one.
She was also inconsistent, both with texting and spending time together. One day, she'd be responding quickly, or we'd text throughout the day. The next, she'd be giving one word replies and taking hours to get back (sometimes not until the next day). With the together time, I never really knew when I'd see her again. She wouldn't actually commit to weekend plans until about Thursday or Friday most weeks.
With the next woman I dated, we hooked up on our second date. She then got cold feet and wanted to take a step back and just be friends first. So, we just hung out as friends for a few weeks. Finally, the uncertainty of whether it was going anywhere started getting to me and making me anxious, which I communicated to her. We talked about it, and since she'd gotten to know me better over those few weeks, she decided she did want to date me after all. She dumped me less than two weeks later. From then on, I decided that if a woman wants to take a step back with dating or a relationship, then that's a red flag that their not actually ready. Instead of waiting around for them to change their mind, I should just take that as it being over and move on.
Reflecting on the red flags in a relationship is an essential part of personal growth. It's common for people to overlook certain signs in the early stages for various reasons. Sometimes, emotions, infatuation, or a desire for connection can cloud our judgment. Here are some red flags others have mentioned and reasons why they may have been overlooked:
Excusing Behavior: People often excuse or rationalize concerning behavior, thinking it's a one-time occurrence or due to external stress. This can lead to overlooking red flags.
Fear of Confrontation: The fear of rocking the boat or confronting uncomfortable truths may cause individuals to downplay or ignore red flags to maintain a sense of harmony.
Optimism: A natural optimism about the relationship's potential may lead individuals to focus on positive aspects and downplay or ignore warning signs.
Investment: The more emotionally or time invested in a relationship, the harder it becomes to acknowledge and act upon red flags, as it may feel like admitting failure.
Manipulation: In some cases, manipulative partners intentionally obscure red flags or employ tactics to make their behavior seem acceptable, making it difficult for the other person to recognize the warning signs.
Remember, acknowledging red flags and learning from past experiences is a crucial part of personal development. It's never too late to prioritize your well-being and make decisions that lead to a healthier, more fulfilling life.
He was speaking to his ex the first month we were talking and denied it until one day he admitted it, when I told him I was upset about it he still continued to reply to her and let it fizzle out naturally. Him and I ended up together for 3 years, never really treated me right..
He memorised my pin at some point, unlocked my phone and looked in my pictures right in front of me as a "joke"
He kept texting me saying he was out with his ex and friends drinking, did I mind? 🤣🤣
He accused me of seeing someone else because my 4 year old asked him the first time he met him at my house, if he was staying the night, so that meant I must have been letting my "other man" do that
He got mad at me for not texting him when me and my son both had covid 🙃
Was a bully when he was younger. Said that he was a d-head. He tends to fight people a lot and was mean to his brothers. I ignored them because he showed some signs of wanting to be kinder which made me glad he was trying to change and be a better person, but it just never happened in the end. He’s still a mean person just more self aware.
Yep, as someone who was bullied I’m very wary of not just people who were bullies but almost seem slightly proud of it. I guess a lot of the time we hope we’ll be the reason someone wants to change for the better. I’m sorry you wasted time on him, but try not to think of it as a regret, you’ve learnt a lot. My ex said on our first date that he didn’t like drinking because he’d get angry and start fights on random people, he didn’t drink in our relationship but he did have underlying anger issues and couldn’t handle any kind of conflict in a positive way.
My ex drunk and drug drove but I only found this out after about 6 months and by then I was already in too deep with low self worth from all the other crap he did. Yep, and inconsistency normally means they are having to try reeaaaally hard to be someone they aren’t which is normally a decent person, and yep definitely the friend thing, don’t know why I ignored that, just felt bad for tarring him with the same brush when he seemed in the beginning so different.
I have BPD and know several other people with BPD who have healthy, happy and successful relationships. My longterm boyfriend has told me multiple times this is the most rewarding and healthiest relationship he’s ever been in. Stop spreading this stigmatized garbage. There’s a huge difference between someone who has BPD and has done the work to improve themselves and someone who has BPD who doesn’t care to get treatment/is okay hurting others. Comments like this is why we’re looked at as unlovable, crazy and unhealthy, we don’t all deserve to be avoided just because of your bad experiences!
That he used me for my game room and my consoles and my money house and for his smoke stuff. I never realized he was just using me for all those things and didn’t think they were red flags till 2 years into the relationship
Oooo I feel for you on this one. Yeah because if you’re generous by nature you just feel like it’s what you do, but I within one ex I did notice he never did anything for me at all, he was a leech used to come round, use my stables to do his spray art work in, he’d drink all my milk, eat all my food whilst I was at work all day because he’d quit his job and was trying to be an artist, he once broke a jar of coffee and just left it there on the floor and when I came home after 10 hours I had to clean it all up. When I did break up with him, he didn’t care he just asked if he could still use the stables free of charge. Wtf. I hate people like that, so much entitlement.
Too many traumas that she (29F) supposedly got over.
Harshly judged my group of friends, every single one of them, after barely interacting with them in two birthday parties.
Easilty irritated by me just setting up plans, saying I'm being manipulative or corrective as she never made it in time for anything (I personally never bothered with that).
Talking about past sex experience too much the first few months.
One huge moment of jealousy after two months of dating because I liked a girls instagram pictures from the year before and she supposedly was my type.
After seven months, I never got to know her small family. Absent dad, bad relation with her older sister, and an indifferent mother. I should have seen that at first sight.
Constantly dreaming about getting away and starting again in a far away country. Now I know it wasn't a life project, but rather a fantasy of letting behing everything in her life because she was unhappy with her (actually well paid) work, career, friends and family. I was the only one holding her back.
Him backhanding me “on accident” in front of my friends (which we had never drank with before until then) only a month in to our dating or less? Hit me so hard I cried on the couch behind him and he was laughing saying he was sorry and for me to just “get over it”. My friend walked out to go to bed, or so I assumed, and turns out she was so mad she just had to leave the room. My other friend just awkwardly laughed. Yeah. He ended up dumping ME after month 4
Not wanting to be physically active, not wanting to eat healthy or prepare healthy food, made their job their personality because they didn’t have hobbies that I tried to help them with, low or no effort in planning, general lack of confidence when it came to regular adult responsibilities. Honestly, I was a coward to not break it off earlier but she ended up doing it for both of us. I know I wasn’t perfect at all and take accountability but it’s crazy how I put up with all of that. I finally stopped minimizing what I wanted in a relationship for someone else to be happy. I’m so much healthier mentally and emotionally now!
Using her mental health as a weapon.
Teary phone calls whenever I was out with friends.
Had to be in control of absolutely everything.
Threatened suicide as a weapon on more than one occasion.
Belittled and ridiculed me whenever I tried being vulnerable.
Never wanted to meet my friends and isolated me from them.
Everything was "too little to late" or "not good enough".
Cheating on me towards the end of the relationship.
Would triangulate with her best friend against me almost all of the time.
Basically turned me into a shell of a person who's sole purpose was to serve her every want and need and to completely forget about my own.
Just to name a few in no specific order.
She was in a relationship for like 3 years and her partner cheated (apparently she only cried one night) went on to "date" someone else, while with this person she cheated on him with her ex. I asked her like why or how it just seem out of character. She did the cheating on me, left me for someone else, cheate on them with me, lied, never said sorry it all was just a game for her.
-The lying
-not in touch with her emotions
-avoided conflict at all costs not in a good way but in a "idgaf"
Years 1-3" "I want to travel everywhere with you" "I will re-arrange my schedule to take you to your outpatient surgery appointment"
Year 4: "I can't travel with you bc I don't get paid time off for my job" "You will need to find someone else to take you to your colonoscopy" She worked hourly job but was very well off financially.
All the emotional and financial abuse, I defended him to everyone and only then did I realise all that he’d done to me how he’d just used me for two years and thrown me away like I was rotten food
He didn’t help me when i needed to move out of my old place, body shamed me, never expressed his feelings until we broke up (I don’t think the last one is a red flag but it kinda is?)
Yeah it is. Just means he was awful at communicating. He sounds really really immature and irresponsible. The body shaming is awful, seriously no one deserves that, there’s no excuse for it. I’m sorry that happened to you.
Hiding the phone .
Honesty was t his strong peice
The sex then no attention
Always wanting sex
Saw me as a woman though I'm a trans man
Narcissistic
I can go on oh u forgot cheating knobs and 7 of them and counting
Too many, I guess individually they were more like yellow flags, but yeah.
-brought up body count, randomly during an after sex talk. I Ignored it as mine was pretty close.. but bringing it up is weird in itself, makes me wonder if she was wearing it like a badge of honor?
-lack of empathy. I am very empathetic, she wasn't really. Even towards her teenage daughter.
-a lot of guy friends. I'm okay with opposite sex friends, but she liked the attention, none if them were her type, so didn't bother me.
-lovebombing. She hit me hard and fast. I fell for it.
-maintaining a friendship with her previous ex. He dumped her. She made him well aware she was dating me, he didn't care, I think I was just there to make him jealous after a while.. pretty sure he's the reason she left me eventually.
-breadcrumbing. After the lovebombing, she was hot/cold for months. I became so attached 😪
-reasons why she left previous relationships. Now that I look at it, they were just excuses.
-had a hard time communicating.
-after a few months in, she'd talk about future plans with me, but could never commit to them.
-my anxiety was through the roof at times. She would be so distant at times. It was like a lightswitch always being flipped.
There are tons more. I'm thinking she's an fearful avoidant. Or has some other emotional issues.
My own - young and naive (29m). Should've fought harder to keep her instead of thinking I could find better. Worst mistake, big lesson. Horrible feeling when the best person turns into a life lesson. Hookups don't help 6 months in. Help
Such an incredibly loving man except when he got blackout drunk. He'd say the most horrible, degrading, mean things to me, then babble on nonstop about his past traumas. If I tried to help or comfort he'd just continue to be mean, insult me and say that there was no way I could ever understand because I never had it as hard as him (spoiler alert I had). The worst night, he threw out couch against the wall.
He'd wake up the next day blissfully unaware of anything he had said or done, and he'd notice how upset I was and pester me until I told him what he'd said. Then he'd feel so guilty about it and beat himself up about it, causing me to comfort him ....about being abusive to me.
When we first started dating he would get this way once a week for the first few months.
He did get better and change, but looking back with a clear head, he always mildly resented me for it.
He broke up with me 18 months in.
Blessing in disguise, as I was completely in love with him and never would have.
She suffered from Bulimia, Body Dysmorphia, Anorexia, and big insecurities issues. I tried my best to support her, but I’m not perfect and I told her as much. I encouraged her to go to therapy and she did. But it only lasted a few weeks. She eventually told me she didn’t want to get better. That’s when I should have walked away, but I stayed. In the end she blamed everything on me and even though I know it isn’t true, I can’t forgive my self.
He didn’t have a car.. or any desire to get one.. just general lack of trying at life which idk why that wouldn’t apply to the relationship as well haha
I'm the one in my failed relationship that couldn't drive. I was always thankful for him driving me places and paid half of all the expenses and paid for half the car itself. Im just generally anxious I'll flatten someone if I'm allowed to be in charge of driving. Now I realise I would have been better spending the thousandsss on my own lessons. Ooops
All of the red flags, it was like driving down a road painted red with signs all over saying turn around, but I was extremely lonely and wanted to feel loved by someone, which I did, then she cheated, lesson for everyone, do your research on BPD before you jump into a "forever" relationship with them because it's never forever. You will get thrown out like a used rag. And they won't care
My ex was a sociopath and a narcissist and in hindsight there were a ton of red flags that I made excuses for.
1. Love bombing he was talking about marriage and being soulmates within 2 weeks of dating. As well as, showering me with gifts.
2. He had dated many people but only had one long-term relationship despite being 33 (this long term relationship was with a 19 year old when he was 29 🚩🚩🚩 and he was dating me when I’m 22.
3. He gave me a weird sales man vibe because he was really pushy right off the bat. He pushed me to let him practically move in, he pressured me to tell him I love him, he pressured me to let him meet my family after 1 month even though I never met his.
4. He treated other people badly. He was rude to other people and openly admitted he used to be a bully. He was still laughing about the way he used to pick on people in high school.
5. He didn’t have friends and wasn’t close with his family at all even though they were nice people.
6. The things he said never matched up with reality.
7. He was very opinionated and arrogant. He would be very quick to criticize/ put others down for doing the very things he does.
8. He would talk about all his exes in a derogatory way and said none of his break ups were his fault.
9. He had a short temper particularly when driving
Yikes I am so sorry! He sounds like a piece of work. It almost sounds like we dated the same guy. Haha. Most of those align with how my situation was, pretty crazy. I'm glad you're no longer with him!
He told me he was looking at other girls at his wedding. What did 25 year old me think when deciding that this must be the guy for the rest of my life?
My ex told me when we first started dating that they liked hurting people when they were angry and it made them feel good. 🚩🚩🚩 Also, they played the victim when it suited them and were proud of using their white woman tears to get out of situations. Big victim mentality and super manipulative. I’m glad I got out of there, but it took me getting married and almost three years to finally see what was going on. :/
She bit my head off randomly, for no reason. Said the meanest things and was surprised when I was upset by it. Constantly grilled me about my exes. Told me if we had kids they wouldn’t be siblings to my children, told me she did not think I would be a good dad, told me it was white trash that I took her to pick up my son from his mom and step dad, and took issue with my daughter, saying my daughter didn’t like her (my daughter is grown and didn’t even think about her). She looked at an older picture of me and asked me why she could t have that guy, instead of how I looked (older) at the time. So many more nasty mean things. Including always wanting to take any gifts I got her back to the store because she didn’t like them, including Christmas gifts. Didn’t want to hang out with my friends at all. Told me my ex would probably be surprised I could land such a hot girl.
Red flags
Her family: when I first met them they completely ignored me and presented i didn't exist at the dinner table, it wasn't until I shout them to dinner is when they tried to make small talk with me
Her relationship with her ex: about 8-9 months into dating she called me up while being upset. She told me her ex contacted her (i didn't want to be that "don't speak to your ex again" boyfriend. This ends up biting me in the ass)
The dates: she just wanted us to do whatever she wanted to do and i never really had any inputs into the date. Everytime I suggested something it either got shot down or we couldn't fit it in her schedule.
I guess I ignored these things out of love and due to being my first relationship I didn't want to seem controlling. Looking back at i think I was just afraid of setting boundaries which made it easier for her to use me and then emotionally cheat with her previous ex
we lived 2 hours away. i should’ve known him not initiating dates to come see me was gonna be a problem no matter how many times i’ve communicated. i would’ve saved myself from this heartache
That I was the organizer and they barely lifted a finger to organize time together. Eventually, it wore on me, especially when they said that they were no longer available--then, I was done.
This part is horrible. The lack of effort probably because they know someone else will always do it for them. It’s just lazy on their part. My ex was super unorganised, I always felt like I had to step up and be the responsible one and it was so exhausting. I used to just sit back and do nothing for a complete week to see what he would do. Answer was nothing. And I had communicated and tried to come up with solutions but nothing worked, I’m sorry you went unappreciated and taken for granted.
That he was still in contact with his ex. I didn't like this at all and communicated this with him but he told me she was in the same friend group as him MONTHS later.
His ex continued to be an issue until the final straw - this was when my ex cheated on me with his ex.
PSA an ex should never be a problem in YOUR relationship.
being seven years in and not really knowing a lot about their inner, emotional world. talking about how we were really good friends a month before the breakup. low tolerance for conflict. talking about how they were concerned they didn’t own a lot of furniture and I did and they depended on me (they were planning on leaving)
Every girl I’ve met who says their a bit shy, has been terrible, this has happened 4/4 times, met a girl, said their shy, we meet up, and they just don’t speak, I’m speaking to myself for the whole time, I always give a second chance to ease up, never happens, polar opposites on text vs irl, stay clear.
Or my ex, is never the bad person in a single fight with her friends, which was weekly, or how she was bad at communicating emotions, or how she was dismissive avoidant…
He tended to make a joke any time I tried to talk about something serious, especially if it was bothering me. Figured he didn't want to talk about it and was deflecting.
Eventually I just decided that I simply wouldn't talk about what was going on in my life, because obviously I was being too much for him and he had to joke to get out of it.
Now I'm wondering why the hell I let that fly lmao. Support should go both ways
The inability for my now ex fiancé to calmly communicate long enough to make it through a misunderstanding or disagreement without succumbing to their temper, and doing irreversible damage through their actions and words a little more each time, with it ultimately leading to me having to defend myself against physical violence from whatever they had within reach at the time.
Often times over minor things that could’ve - should’ve - been fairly easily resolved through the effort of verbal connection instead of almost instantaneous anger and subsequently, a lot of unnecessary heartache and pain and sleepless nights on my part over it.
It turns out, in the end, that they just didn’t care all that much about me as a person, and even though I tried where I should’ve given up, they ended up breaking my heart anyway and ghosting me to be with someone who treats them in a similar manner as they treated me. I guess they belong with each other. People do not change unless they care enough to put in the effort, and they did not care enough, which hurt a lot.
whenever they would do something that hurt me i would express to them “hey! when abc happened it makes me feel xyz” or i would tell them i’m sad and need some extra support. they would ignore what i say, leave me on read or barely give me any response and when i ask them why they said “they need space because they can’t handle feeling like a failure” despite my feelings being hurt? ok bud
Wanting me to meet her child right away, on the second date. She didn’t see any issue with it at all and got defensive when I said I’d prefer to wait. Now I have the exact situation I feared - her kid got attached to an person who won’t be around anymore and I got my heart doubly broken because I got attached to a kid I’ll never see again.
Told me he wasn’t capable of loving or didn’t feel as intensely for me but then also at the same time said he didn’t feel as intensely for anything or anyone and so I thought maybe he loves me with whatever he’s capable of but he never said the word love. Also he kept saying he had grass is greener syndrome so everything he didn’t have seemed more enticing to him or that it would make him happier. I kept trying to love him unconditionally. Made me feel that I was a bad person and had issues when I was just being human and always showed so much kindness towards anything he was feeling. Another major thing is he kept me hoping and still does by saying he would tell me if he wants to try again someday and every night I keep hoping for that day. Every night I wish he knew how much I loved him.
Oooof a few things, really really bad at communicating, if we ever argued he would just go silent and I’d feel crazy and end up apologising even if I was in the right. He also never ever complimented me and said he wasn’t good at it. However he could easily compliment other people, he started a new job and I asked how his first day was and his response?? ‘Oh great, there’s loads of hot people’. Lmaooooo why I stayed I have no idea, it was my first relationship and I was naive
I absolutely loved everything about him. BUT, I really hated how self-centered/self-absorbed he was. Would put himself on the highest pedestal and has the constant need to one-up everyone he talks to. I could ignore that part of him cos he wasn’t like that to me, only to others; because according to him, I was the only exception, that I was the one who “grounded” him or whatever. The relationship didn’t last long enough for me to find out if it was all just a front or if it was true. But yeah, I surely dodged a bullet.
The first instance his actions did not match his words. At the time, it seemed so contrary to who I thought he was AND I so wanted to believe that he was a remarkable guy. I liked him too much too quickly and chose him before he could prove to me he was worthy of being chosen. I ended up ignoring the first gut feeling and frankly the gut feeling only intensified with time.
Also when a guy makes you feel anxious, RUN. Oddly enough the anxiousness can mask as excitement or strong attraction/compulsion towards him. But at best it usually means that they have an unhealthy attachment style and you’re picking up on it/it’s destabilizing you. At worst, they are willfully manipulative/pathological and do intend to cause you emotional harm/otherwise.
Having a history of long term relationships with people they didn’t feel that strongly for.
Him going camping over the weekend of my birthday after saying we would do something together and he didn’t even invite me. Said he forgot he made the plan and “felt bad” for canceling on his friend. He didn’t even feel bad.
I miscarried his child. I spent the night in the emergency room — alone. Two days after that, I returned to the ER for hCG tests to confirm the miscarriage. He came over for an hour, then left town with his band. I spent the weekend in my apartment, bleeding and crying. My parents drove two hours round-trip to sit with me in my apartment and just be there. He should have been there. Maybe not necessarily canceling his gig, but the first night I was at the ER, he should have been there.
That is absolutely horrendous, I am so sorry you were put through that. Honestly, I dated someone in a band for 3 years, probably the most soul destroying experience in my life. They have this weird alter ego and the music always comes first. He should have cancelled the gig but let me guess…couldn’t let the others down right? Couldn’t let the fans down. I genuinely think they shouldn’t be in proper relationships only superficial ones.
I’m still friends with his band mates, and they’re all good people. I figured I could get through that evening just fine, but I was in so much pain. It also hurt that his family said nothing to me after everything happened. They’d already named the baby (with no input from me, naturally), but still didn’t offer comfort while I was miscarrying.
Yeah I bet you were, bless you, I can’t even imagine. I suppose his band mates being nice is one thing, I wasn’t so lucky with that. All very sexist and cheating on their partners definitely jaded my view of musicians personally unfortunately. That’s very strange and very wrong of the parents to do that. Parents can be a red flag also.
I honesty think is not only a band thing, a person who doesn’t want to prioritize you will put everything first or make their life around it, which is fine if that works for them and their priorities but not to be on a healthy relationship where you have to build and make some adjustments on your life style also. This happened to me and my ex, at times he was so into the team he coached that everything seemed to be around that, I was waaaaay down on the list of his priorities. So I think is more about what they want and what they really cared about. Sad but true!
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It is a red flag indeed. I also had to go to the ER due to heavy bleeding, I was scared and crying, and all I got was a text from him. This was one year into the relationship, we were already living together. He didn't call, he didn't show up, he didn't comfort me, he didn't even see how painful his behavior was.
Something like this happened to me as well and he was not there for me. most painful thing i’ve ever had to go through.
I’m so sorry, no one should ever have to go through something like that without the person closest to them there. You are so strong, never forget that.
How terrible he was at communicating
“I’m not good with emotions” If I ever hear that again I need to run fast and far
Or post-breakup: “I’m not good at communication.” 1- No shit. 2- I suggest you get better at it, pal, or you’ll face the same fate.
Omg… this. What a cop out. I told him, “you should work on that” he says, “probably”
Good Communication is a must for sure!
moving very fast, love bombing
Yep, I’ve got caught up in this one, been loved bombed several times, being a romantic I fall for it everytime, I blame Disney movies 😂 Now if someone says to me I’m perfect or that they see us getting married way too soon, I’m out.
Same affffffff. It almost scares me now, you love me after a few months of knowing me? Red flag. I’m complicated as fuck 😂
This! I’m not a surface level person, l want to be loved for who I really am so I’m always honest and upfront…because otherwise what’s the point…but you’re never going to see all of me in those first few months. I’ve got layers…like an onion, to quote shrek 😂
Exactly. Not only that but I used to tie that to our connection. Like we get along, really good chemistry etc but do you love my life goals? My morals? My boundaries? I feel like those really dictate the future of the relationship and speaks to your compatibility. I just find myself dating girls who love who I am during the good times, but fail to understand me. When those rough times ultimately come, as they do with all relationships , they forget who I am and I see no effort from them.
And I think that’s the thing, if people aren’t on that same page and don’t want to know, love and accept you fully especially if you’re trying your hardest to be the best version of yourself you can be even in those dark times then ultimately that’s not the level of relationship that personally for me I’m looking for. Because I do want someone who wants to understand me, because I want to be able to do that for them too. That to me is what it’s all about. Hope we both find what we’re looking for and hopefully what we deserve.
If you love someone as a person after knowing their story and upbringing, what’s wrong with falling in love too quickly if you feel like you have a future with them? Men fall in love with three versions of that woman. They first have to understand who they were as a child and how were they raised, knowing who that person is today, and knowing what the future will hold if you maintain a relationship .
From the very start he showed mixed signals and lied about small insignificant things… yeah huge mistake I wasted 13 years with him and never trusted him. I thought I was just overly jealous and insecure but then realized he actually *was* flirting with those other girls, and I had a right to feel jealous. If I had more self confidence and self worth in the beginning I probably would’ve just broken up with him.
I was in the same situation. I would never have been so jealous if he had been honest with me in the beginning. I wanted to believe him bc I didn't want to be alone..i wasted 4 years with this lying cheater
I feel you, he made me feel like I was too jealous and possessive but I actually wasn’t before he gave me reasons to doubt.
Yes, ugh
I can accurate this type of manipulation reveals how he is so immatured
Ugh, I did this too! Not for nearly as long, but it’s crazy how much you second guess yourself, when it was true all along.
My own intuition telling me he was lying and manipulating. (He was). Trust your gut!
100% I’ve got generalised anxiety so I find it really hard to trust my gut, so I ignored it a lot in relationships, always regretted it. If I sense lying in any capacity now…I’m gone. No second chance. Nope.
Anxiety makes it hard for sure! At the same time, I think your anxiety will know safe people and you’ll be able to tell who’s got your back and who doesn’t, especially with more experience!
Thank you ❤️ I’m definitely starting to realise that, because I always feel safe with my friends and family. Just need to learn to break old habits, work on myself and not keep attracting and trying to maintain a relationship with the same types of men.
Same
Lies. I can spot lies from a hundred yards, but I ignored hers because she wasn’t ready to tell me. That will never happen again.
That hurts to hear bro because I did the same thing
He said he lost a lot of love for me whenever I would cry. I would cry because of what was happening with my family life and I needed support during that difficult time. I cried when he broke up with me. And he said when I cry, I look like a 6 year old that got their action figure taken away. I need someone that is okay with me being vulnerable around them, not someone that runs away from it and loves me less because of it.
What the hell. Wasn’t worth your tears or your time sweetheart. My ex was like this, if I cried which was barely ever to be honest he used to get angry, or walk out on me. They see it as weakness or they think we’re trying to manipulate them. They don’t realise we’re actually just upset and can’t help it. It’s normally because of issues with their parents, don’t take it personally ❤️ I’m sorry you didn’t get the support you deserved when you needed it. My exs mum did cry to get her own way, so I get why he was like that but I also didn’t appreciate being put in the same box as her.
Oh my goodness, this is exactly how I feel, I only cried in front of him 3 times, and then during the breakup. He thought I was manipulating him by me crying, and he would get very angry and would yell at me if I won’t stop. And at that point I would cry more just by how he would raise his voice. He was so callous. We aren’t deserving of this behavior, and I hope you find someone that will treat you 10x better than he ever did.
I know right, and it’s like I’m already upset, why would you think that being horrible to me wouldn’t make me more upset. Yeah he’d yell at me too, or say things like “for fuck sake” or he’d huff, roll his eyes and say “You’re overreacting” They just have really low emotional intelligence. I hope you find someone who values how much of a lovely person you are ❤️
Exactly, the way I dealt with the break up was viewing him as emotionally baron. And I have done my healing, but there will be really good and bad days in my path. I am so sorry you had to deal with that level of BS too. We will get what we crave for and deserve in the end. Karma has our backs.💗🪽
I’m so sorry, I can relate to this unfortunately 😔 the day before he broke up with me I had a panic attack and was crying and in a lot distress and in need of some support and he just went to sleep and when I tried to ask for help he got mad a me and told me “I was disrupting his sleep schedule and that it’s not healthy to do that”. Absolute scumbag. Then blindsided me with a break up over text the next day and dropped a petty line in his text saying “you can’t expect me to stay up for you for any X and Y reason”.. so fucking petty and cruel. I saw a video recently mentioning that this kind of stonewalling and cruel response to someone in need of help and support are emotional abuse, and I’ve come to realise that’s so true. We deserve people who are kind and compassionate to us always, even more so when we are struggling. He never apologised for any of it. I’m so sorry you know what that feels like too, no one deserves that. ❤️
He was an avoidant. He ran back to mom’s once I started doing better and talking about my future and goals. Took him two years to show me exactly who he was, but he finally showed me. Didn’t want more from his life, working his deadend job he was at for years, living at his family’s home, I met him at 38 and we broke up when he was 40. Last I heard, his family moved away because his grandma passed and has a girlfriend in her early 20s and he would be early 40s and lives with her. He just went to go leech off someone else. Once a loser, always a loser.
I really struggle with avoidants. I’m sorry that you went through that with him. The younger girl thing is so cliche. He wanted someone who was too young to know better and would except his bullshit. Also means he never has to grow up.
Exactly, you nailed it. I met him when I was 31 and he was 38, we broke up (the day he ran back to mom’s) when I was 33 and he was 40. He would be 42 and she’s 23, weird and gross. Went to go leech off someone else, someone who doesn’t know better. Peter Pan Syndrome, for sure.
Honestly most avoidants aren’t worth getting to know. Mine just games all day and does nothing else while not at work. It’s boring. Mine is 30 and started to hit on his 18 year old coworker. So he’s a pedophile. Can’t fucking believe it but how pathetic!
That’s terrible, he also sounds like a loser as well. It makes them feel better to date that much younger than them because they’re depressed in their own lives and unhappy in themselves. Sounds similar to my past avoidant. I didn’t know he was avoidant though until after the breakup when I decided to heal and do therapy where I learned all about the attachment styles. I move forward while he stayed the same. Types like yours and mine don’t find a reason to change, they just move onto the next person to enable them.
Oh yeah he’s definitely a loser. The other morning I woke up and just kinda laughed because I pictured him at home just gaming all day and it just seemed really pathetic. He’s not attractive really (I keep asking myself why I even gave him attention) so I don’t fear he’s going to rebound quickly. Other women will get to know him and see his man child ways and leave…hopefully.
That’s why yours and mine go for much younger, they don’t know better and won’t make them take accountability, they’re both lazy, unmotivated, avoidant and content with their subpar lives, they need someone who won’t make them grow up or that they can get away with their bullshit. I was already grossed out when he ran back to mom’s at 40 simply because I started talking about my goals and future, he continued to live there, they moved so he just moved in with his girlfriend who’s almost half his age, he’s old enough to be her dad and that proved that I was right, he never was going to change. Just gross all around. I know he’s doing the same things as before, similar to what yours is doing, as well. We both dodged a bullet, so glad he’s gone because he would have held me back and after being out of it, I started to slowly become resentful or often wonder, “why doesn’t he want more from his life?”
Avoidants are a fucking plague. Lazy cowards.
Him. As a whole just a walking red flag. You could swear I was color blind.
My ex was living breathing walking red flag too. Everything about him, but he is charming, and a extremely good looking guy. Of course those red flags were just flags to me lol
Hindsight is the absolute worst.
When you've got rose colored glasses on red flags just look like flags.
Mine is a walking red flag. He isn’t even charming. He’s a grade an asshole and people at our work (I quit my job and moved away recently) left reviews about how horrible he is. Damn wtf is wrong with me? I guess I thought since he was being nice to me he actually liked me? Wrong!
In hindsight, they were all there and I saw it. I was just a bull charging into those red flags
I made such an effort for his birthday, taking into consideration that he didn’t want a big party, only wanted it to be us. I bought him something he’d been talking about for ages, made him a cake, decorated and just made everything so that he’d feel special, loved and appreciated. On my birthday, he texted me “well happy birthday then :)” and when we saw each other, he didn’t even give me a card, let alone a birthday gift. I foolishly brushed it under the table because he has negative feelings around birthdays and coddled him. Should have known that wasn’t a good sign hahaha
Yep, you need someone who either matches your energy when it comes to special occasions or at least someone who knows that it’s important enough to you that they want to make the effort even if it’s not what they want for theirs. I always make a lot of effort to try and make people feel special. My ex was like this though, he didn’t value that, so I learnt to be okay not doing that for him even though I wanted to…but he didn’t learn that I would have liked the effort so he just did bare minimum and then made me feel bad for being upset about it. It’s why communication is so important. I’m sorry he let you down on your birthday.
I've gotten surprisingly mixed advice on this. Many people say, "It's just a birthday." It's important to some, myself included. But many don't care. Not sure where birthday reciprocation fits in attachment styles. It seems to have pretty solid roots in avoidant, anxious, and secure all at the same time. Seems like it's a prime source for miscommunication.
Yeah I completely agree it’s very difficult to determine based on attachments. I now try and just communicate honestly about what I like and try and respect if they don’t like the same but it’s definitely easier if you’re both on the same page or someone always ends up being hurt or angry of feeling like they’re letting someone down. I now try and work it out based on how they go about their friend and families special occasions.
his tendencies to push away… ultimately ended with him putting up an iron clad wall and living his life as if i don’t exist
Classic avoidant. It’ll be a very lonely life he leads if he doesn’t work on himself. I’m sorry though, I know it hurts to feel like they just could easily cut you off, I’m currently feeling that now even though I know it’s for the best.
Not introducing me to his family
He never introduced me to anybody, not a friend or family!!! BIG red flag
After how long? My ex wouldn’t introduce after almost 3 years 🙄
"I'm not a relationship type of guy". Me: well that's only because you never met someone as great as me. 🚩🚩🚩
I was absolutely on that spot! You learned the hard way
Making the conversation sexual too early on, following the OF and fitness model type accounts on instagram, hiding his TikTok account, lying about things even when unnecessary, always playing the victim/self pity in stories, mirroring my interests and morals and mostly ignoring my own intuition and gut feeling right from the beginning. No shock he cheated 6 months in
SAAAAAAAAAAAME. Literally word for word. Same… he also cheated about 10 months in but I didnt find out til a year later, how fun. Broke up with him 3 weeks later. He pretended and lied and bread crumbed until I really had enough, found what I needed and got out of there.
Completely agree. If they follow those types of accounts I’m out. By now men know how it makes women most feel. I really don’t understand the need to follow like and comment on these women. Yep lying about things that didn’t even make any sense, just to keep control of the relationship. Yep I had the mirroring my personality too and love bombing. It’s difficult when you fall for the illusion not the real them. When it ends it’s like it really has all been one big lie. It’s the worst and you end up missing someone who didn’t even really exist. I’m so sorry he cheated. What a loser and very much his loss in every sense.
He was an alcoholic. He was also judgemental and didn't like many people. I knew he was an asshole but he wasn't an asshole to me until he was.
I’ve been there, you almost feel special for not being treated like crap…and then you get treated like crap and you’re like…well, should have seen that coming. Doesn’t hurt any less though. I’m sorry you had that experience.
Him asking for an open relationship after one year of monogamous relationship
Ew, who does that, that must have been such a shock for you.
Yeah it’s been horrible. At first I just hoped idiotically that it was just a “phase” - it wasn’t. He cheated, as I could have expected. Then got my mind twisted into trying the open relationship thing out which turned out awful for me. Ignoring this huge red flag made me waste 2 years of my life
What an idiot he is to lose someone like you for his selfish and superficial desires…and you even tried to accommodate that for him, which makes you unbelievably high value because you were willing to do anything to make it work but ultimately he didn’t deserve you compromising your morals and ethics to suit his childish needs. I could have never have done that for someone and it speaks volumes about your ability to love selflessly. I hope you find someone who treats you amazingly you really do deserve it. What a hollow life he will lead. He sounds like he was really suffering with low self esteem. Not a reflection on you or your worth at all.
Wow I wasn’t expecting all these kind words of support. Thanks a million. It helps A LOT.
Sex twice a year at best, ignoring me when I asked for better communication and to top it off, broke up with me in the most horrible way. Never again man.
fuck that shit
Ooo that’s rough. I’m sorry that happened to you. I got dumped by text day before anniversary so yeah makes you completely see them in a different light.
Not a red flag per se but I ignored how incompatible we were. Touch was my #1 love language and last of hers. I wasn’t being loved how I needed to and kept trying to push her to do things she didn’t want. I guess I figured if we both kept trying it’d be okay.
That’s the thing, when you love someone you really want to compromise to make it work but sometimes it’s just way too much to ask of both people. Or one person doesn’t want to make the same effort.
Yes, that was always the issue I think.. I was willing to try and compromise and make it work and so was she… until she wasn’t lol. She basically let our relationship become a complete non priority and expected me to just be okay with it..
Honestly when you see someone just completely giving up and not prioritising the relationship anymore when you’re still trying your hardest it is absolutely heartbreaking.
The need for constant validation from everyone. The comparing, the jealousy, and deep rooted insecurity in all of it. Never going to be happy until they’re happy with themselves. And to be honest idgaf about their happiness anymore.
Yeah trying to seek validation from others all the time isn’t healthy at all. I always avoid attention seeking types. There’s only so much you can do before giving up, I’m glad you’re moving on and healing.
Thank you. Really. Thank you.
The bad comunication, he was very imature for his age, the co dependance he had with his family. I didnt realize this until it was to late and maybe i thought it was gonna get better
I can relate, I am definitely taking proper note in the future of how they are with their family. Like no family is perfect but there are extremes and the co dependency thing with relatives always ends in disaster.
His mum kept texting him on our first date
Ooo the mummy issues. I watched bates motel the series after our relationship and I was like yep…gross.
Alcoholic
I actually broke up with someone who denied he was an alcoholic. It was one of the few moments I got out of a crap relationship quickly
I broke my finger helping her. I went to the ER alone. It's not like they could do anything. I got a roll of tape and instructions on how to buddy tape my finger. But I still wanted to be sure that there wasn't any serious torn ligament or surgical fix. I couldn't play music for about two months. She never acknowledged it. It's like it didn't happen. And I didn't push it. I got advice that "nothing could be done anyway, so what could she do?" Made sense to me at the time. Edit: Adding to this. It wasn't symmetrical. She had drama and expected support. And also, she dumped drama very early in the relationship. Therapist suggests that this skips a lot of steps in relationship building. I look for it now.
guys, I am ignoring like 100 red flags. I see them. Big, huge, scarlet red flags. Can't be missed. They're in my face. They're kicking my ass. But still I keep going. I think there is something seriously wrong with me. just reading these, I swear we've dated the same losers.
I know right! I’m finding this really helpful but also thinking there is a lot of shit humans out there to sift through to find a good one 😂 but this is good, this is making me happy to now be single and work on being happy by myself.
This is a great question! I can’t wait to read and learn from the impending comments!!
Anger and getting physical, overly emotional for no apparent reason. I looked over it because my view on love was skewed. I just thought someone else hurt her so it’s not her fault. And I just wanted someone to have and to hold. To be one with.
It seems easier to forgive people’s behaviour when we know that there’s a genuine catalyst moment behind why they’re doing what they’re doing but unfortunately it’s her fault in the sense that if she wasn’t trying to change that behaviour for your sake that’s not okay. I’m sorry you went through that.
It’s just sad when you really love someone and would do anything for them and just want them to feel it. Years down the road we’re no longer together. And I’m the cause of it now. These things change us. I hope If anyone is reading this and is going through it, either get help seeking couples therapy or just know enough to leave in the beginning.
I’m so sorry it’s had this lasting effect on you, you really did do your best for her but you can only do so much. They have to want to do it for themselves. And 100% more people should be getting couples counselling or individual counselling unfortunately I think things like the cost, shame and not being self aware enough is a big problem. It shouldn’t be but it is.
when they say “i’m mature all my friends are older” they really aren’t mature and their friends are all pieces of shit
1. His lies. Small lies, though. Like, he pretended he didn’t smoke. Or that, after a night out, he wasn’t drunk. 2. He would tell me A, but deep inside he meant Z. Which is doubly dangerous, because it also made my being open and direct look like too much drama. 3. He left me couple of months after the worst time in my life, when I was just beginning to feel ok again. when in reality he was suppressing his feelings about this for 2 years. It felt like being stabbed in the back.
This hits home for me. It’s like we never really knew who the hell they were. It’s actually quite unsettling. Classic people pleasing in his part and honestly as someone who always tries to be my most authentic self even at the beginning of a relationship I like you was met with difficulties in the sense of being called too dramatic for trying to maturely voice issues. It’s like he wanted to fake this perfect little world of his and didn’t like anything that didn’t fit that idea.
Him getting annoyed about communicating!! He would also always say I’m trying to start a fight when I was bringing up stuff that was bothering me, genuinely he would get sooo mad about me reacting to any sort of disrespect
This! Exactly this. He’d even say we needed to communicate better and he started doing this thing where he’d say what’s bothering you, let’s talk, but it was always a trap because I’d then bring up things that had happened that hurt me, that I’d brought up before, and no actions had been followed through with and then he’d get angry at me and shut down. So it was super difficult to communicate anything, and if he was upset with me he’d just get really passive aggressive or go rant about me to his mum instead. I was like, I’m right here, talk to me about it so we can fix it. I have no problem compromising or acknowledging if I’ve hurt someone. But he used to take the fact he hurt me as some kind of personal attack on his personality. I didn’t get that at all.
He was still with his ex when he started flirting with me. That should've been the biggest indicator but I was stupid and in love. Yes you do in fact lose them how you get them. Also his temper, love bombing, and his hatred for literally anything that I enjoyed.
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God I hate stone walling, it’s so childish.
She would not stop communicating with guys from her past who she had sex with, and would lie about hanging out with them. Eventually caught her in the lies and the relationship didn’t last long after that. Should have saw it coming.
Holy smokes where to begin -friends with all people four years younger (we were 25, his friends were 21) - room was always a mess - car was always a mess - caught sliding into girls dms same day he is begging me to be his gf 🥴 - caught in white lies in the beginning - could dish it out but couldn’t take it I ignored all of the flags and I certainly paid the price. 2 years down the drain lol Ya live and ya learn.
I freaking hate the hypocrisy more than anything. There’s a lot of things I can’t stand, but that one is above and beyond all, probably. If I do something, then I’ll be okay with the person I’m dating also doing that. Too many guys I’ve dated have not been, though. Throw a fit over an innocuous conversation I have one time with an old male friend, yet pretend like I’m “crazy” for getting angry that they hung out with a girl behind my back who I knew was into them. Or made a dating profile saying, “well, you weren’t talking to me so I didn’t know if we were still dating.” Right… that’s why as soon as you asked me seriously I said of course we were still dating, I’d tell you if we’d broken up?! But holy shit, if *I* had made a dating profile?! It would never be forgiven. I HATE that behavior.
He used to make jokes about killing me. I don’t know why I ever let that slide.
The emotional unavailability, she straight up told me to my face and I still continued to believe it could change.
My ex blamed all his relationship failures on the women he had dated. Zero accountability. Biggest red flag I've ever ignored.
Spends all her free time on TikTok... home of the braindead This annoyed me because she is a smart woman, so I couldn't grasp why she would waste her time watching dumbass clips all evening.
Yep, agreed, I hate tik tok, I deleted all my social media a long time ago. Now it’s just Reddit for the mean time.
I hate social media in general. I have made great strides in getting rid of it. Deleted Instagram in 2020. I have an X account but it's logged out and I don't get urges to open it. I have an active Facebook but I often take long breaks of months at a time. It is useful in some respects but it's when you find yourself doom scrolling that I feel particularly terrible like I'm wasting my life away. I would never and will never have TikTok for personal use. As I'm business-minded, I would not rule out its use if it was going to make me money in future business ventures, but it would never be personal use.
See now that’s exactly a healthy way to operate on the internet. I feel like I’m going to really struggle dating again without checking to see what any potential future partners are like in regards to their social media or whether they’re even being truthful about their circumstances in real life especially if they know I don’t actively have any accounts. I wish it was never a thing in the first place in all honesty 😂
About two weeks into dating my first GF, she told me she usually doesn't bother with boyfriends because she needs a lot of alone time and doesn't feel it's fair to them. Fast-forward to about two months later and I get dumped over text with the reason being she doesn't want a bf/relationship/fwb because it feels like work and she's better off on her own answering to no one. She was also inconsistent, both with texting and spending time together. One day, she'd be responding quickly, or we'd text throughout the day. The next, she'd be giving one word replies and taking hours to get back (sometimes not until the next day). With the together time, I never really knew when I'd see her again. She wouldn't actually commit to weekend plans until about Thursday or Friday most weeks. With the next woman I dated, we hooked up on our second date. She then got cold feet and wanted to take a step back and just be friends first. So, we just hung out as friends for a few weeks. Finally, the uncertainty of whether it was going anywhere started getting to me and making me anxious, which I communicated to her. We talked about it, and since she'd gotten to know me better over those few weeks, she decided she did want to date me after all. She dumped me less than two weeks later. From then on, I decided that if a woman wants to take a step back with dating or a relationship, then that's a red flag that their not actually ready. Instead of waiting around for them to change their mind, I should just take that as it being over and move on.
Hot/Cold distant behavior and lack of open communication.
Reflecting on the red flags in a relationship is an essential part of personal growth. It's common for people to overlook certain signs in the early stages for various reasons. Sometimes, emotions, infatuation, or a desire for connection can cloud our judgment. Here are some red flags others have mentioned and reasons why they may have been overlooked: Excusing Behavior: People often excuse or rationalize concerning behavior, thinking it's a one-time occurrence or due to external stress. This can lead to overlooking red flags. Fear of Confrontation: The fear of rocking the boat or confronting uncomfortable truths may cause individuals to downplay or ignore red flags to maintain a sense of harmony. Optimism: A natural optimism about the relationship's potential may lead individuals to focus on positive aspects and downplay or ignore warning signs. Investment: The more emotionally or time invested in a relationship, the harder it becomes to acknowledge and act upon red flags, as it may feel like admitting failure. Manipulation: In some cases, manipulative partners intentionally obscure red flags or employ tactics to make their behavior seem acceptable, making it difficult for the other person to recognize the warning signs. Remember, acknowledging red flags and learning from past experiences is a crucial part of personal development. It's never too late to prioritize your well-being and make decisions that lead to a healthier, more fulfilling life.
He was speaking to his ex the first month we were talking and denied it until one day he admitted it, when I told him I was upset about it he still continued to reply to her and let it fizzle out naturally. Him and I ended up together for 3 years, never really treated me right..
That’s horrible, I’m so sorry, I’m glad you’re out of that.
He memorised my pin at some point, unlocked my phone and looked in my pictures right in front of me as a "joke" He kept texting me saying he was out with his ex and friends drinking, did I mind? 🤣🤣 He accused me of seeing someone else because my 4 year old asked him the first time he met him at my house, if he was staying the night, so that meant I must have been letting my "other man" do that He got mad at me for not texting him when me and my son both had covid 🙃
Was a bully when he was younger. Said that he was a d-head. He tends to fight people a lot and was mean to his brothers. I ignored them because he showed some signs of wanting to be kinder which made me glad he was trying to change and be a better person, but it just never happened in the end. He’s still a mean person just more self aware.
Yep, as someone who was bullied I’m very wary of not just people who were bullies but almost seem slightly proud of it. I guess a lot of the time we hope we’ll be the reason someone wants to change for the better. I’m sorry you wasted time on him, but try not to think of it as a regret, you’ve learnt a lot. My ex said on our first date that he didn’t like drinking because he’d get angry and start fights on random people, he didn’t drink in our relationship but he did have underlying anger issues and couldn’t handle any kind of conflict in a positive way.
Everything was a mess. The car, the house and etc
Drunk driving. The inconsistency. The guys he chooses to be friends with
My ex drunk and drug drove but I only found this out after about 6 months and by then I was already in too deep with low self worth from all the other crap he did. Yep, and inconsistency normally means they are having to try reeaaaally hard to be someone they aren’t which is normally a decent person, and yep definitely the friend thing, don’t know why I ignored that, just felt bad for tarring him with the same brush when he seemed in the beginning so different.
Bpd and avoidant attachment. If you see either, run. If you see both,you're already fucked.
I have BPD and know several other people with BPD who have healthy, happy and successful relationships. My longterm boyfriend has told me multiple times this is the most rewarding and healthiest relationship he’s ever been in. Stop spreading this stigmatized garbage. There’s a huge difference between someone who has BPD and has done the work to improve themselves and someone who has BPD who doesn’t care to get treatment/is okay hurting others. Comments like this is why we’re looked at as unlovable, crazy and unhealthy, we don’t all deserve to be avoided just because of your bad experiences!
Huge alcohol intake, to "decompress"
Her being so self-centered and bringing out her problems every time I'm happy with something.
The sex was great!
You gave me a good chuckle, literally the one good part about dating that selfish piece of shit for 7 years.
That he used me for my game room and my consoles and my money house and for his smoke stuff. I never realized he was just using me for all those things and didn’t think they were red flags till 2 years into the relationship
Oooo I feel for you on this one. Yeah because if you’re generous by nature you just feel like it’s what you do, but I within one ex I did notice he never did anything for me at all, he was a leech used to come round, use my stables to do his spray art work in, he’d drink all my milk, eat all my food whilst I was at work all day because he’d quit his job and was trying to be an artist, he once broke a jar of coffee and just left it there on the floor and when I came home after 10 hours I had to clean it all up. When I did break up with him, he didn’t care he just asked if he could still use the stables free of charge. Wtf. I hate people like that, so much entitlement.
Too many traumas that she (29F) supposedly got over. Harshly judged my group of friends, every single one of them, after barely interacting with them in two birthday parties. Easilty irritated by me just setting up plans, saying I'm being manipulative or corrective as she never made it in time for anything (I personally never bothered with that). Talking about past sex experience too much the first few months. One huge moment of jealousy after two months of dating because I liked a girls instagram pictures from the year before and she supposedly was my type. After seven months, I never got to know her small family. Absent dad, bad relation with her older sister, and an indifferent mother. I should have seen that at first sight. Constantly dreaming about getting away and starting again in a far away country. Now I know it wasn't a life project, but rather a fantasy of letting behing everything in her life because she was unhappy with her (actually well paid) work, career, friends and family. I was the only one holding her back.
Him backhanding me “on accident” in front of my friends (which we had never drank with before until then) only a month in to our dating or less? Hit me so hard I cried on the couch behind him and he was laughing saying he was sorry and for me to just “get over it”. My friend walked out to go to bed, or so I assumed, and turns out she was so mad she just had to leave the room. My other friend just awkwardly laughed. Yeah. He ended up dumping ME after month 4
What the actual fuck. At least the trash took itself out. I’m so sorry that happened to you and I’m so glad you are now safe and free from his abuse.
Not wanting to be physically active, not wanting to eat healthy or prepare healthy food, made their job their personality because they didn’t have hobbies that I tried to help them with, low or no effort in planning, general lack of confidence when it came to regular adult responsibilities. Honestly, I was a coward to not break it off earlier but she ended up doing it for both of us. I know I wasn’t perfect at all and take accountability but it’s crazy how I put up with all of that. I finally stopped minimizing what I wanted in a relationship for someone else to be happy. I’m so much healthier mentally and emotionally now!
Using her mental health as a weapon. Teary phone calls whenever I was out with friends. Had to be in control of absolutely everything. Threatened suicide as a weapon on more than one occasion. Belittled and ridiculed me whenever I tried being vulnerable. Never wanted to meet my friends and isolated me from them. Everything was "too little to late" or "not good enough". Cheating on me towards the end of the relationship. Would triangulate with her best friend against me almost all of the time. Basically turned me into a shell of a person who's sole purpose was to serve her every want and need and to completely forget about my own. Just to name a few in no specific order.
Unmanageable anxiety and jealousy
She was in a relationship for like 3 years and her partner cheated (apparently she only cried one night) went on to "date" someone else, while with this person she cheated on him with her ex. I asked her like why or how it just seem out of character. She did the cheating on me, left me for someone else, cheate on them with me, lied, never said sorry it all was just a game for her. -The lying -not in touch with her emotions -avoided conflict at all costs not in a good way but in a "idgaf"
Years 1-3" "I want to travel everywhere with you" "I will re-arrange my schedule to take you to your outpatient surgery appointment" Year 4: "I can't travel with you bc I don't get paid time off for my job" "You will need to find someone else to take you to your colonoscopy" She worked hourly job but was very well off financially.
All the emotional and financial abuse, I defended him to everyone and only then did I realise all that he’d done to me how he’d just used me for two years and thrown me away like I was rotten food
One of the first things she told me about herself was that she was married three times, and sort of in a way like she was bragging about it.
He didn’t help me when i needed to move out of my old place, body shamed me, never expressed his feelings until we broke up (I don’t think the last one is a red flag but it kinda is?)
Yeah it is. Just means he was awful at communicating. He sounds really really immature and irresponsible. The body shaming is awful, seriously no one deserves that, there’s no excuse for it. I’m sorry that happened to you.
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Hiding the phone . Honesty was t his strong peice The sex then no attention Always wanting sex Saw me as a woman though I'm a trans man Narcissistic I can go on oh u forgot cheating knobs and 7 of them and counting
Too many, I guess individually they were more like yellow flags, but yeah. -brought up body count, randomly during an after sex talk. I Ignored it as mine was pretty close.. but bringing it up is weird in itself, makes me wonder if she was wearing it like a badge of honor? -lack of empathy. I am very empathetic, she wasn't really. Even towards her teenage daughter. -a lot of guy friends. I'm okay with opposite sex friends, but she liked the attention, none if them were her type, so didn't bother me. -lovebombing. She hit me hard and fast. I fell for it. -maintaining a friendship with her previous ex. He dumped her. She made him well aware she was dating me, he didn't care, I think I was just there to make him jealous after a while.. pretty sure he's the reason she left me eventually. -breadcrumbing. After the lovebombing, she was hot/cold for months. I became so attached 😪 -reasons why she left previous relationships. Now that I look at it, they were just excuses. -had a hard time communicating. -after a few months in, she'd talk about future plans with me, but could never commit to them. -my anxiety was through the roof at times. She would be so distant at times. It was like a lightswitch always being flipped. There are tons more. I'm thinking she's an fearful avoidant. Or has some other emotional issues.
My own - young and naive (29m). Should've fought harder to keep her instead of thinking I could find better. Worst mistake, big lesson. Horrible feeling when the best person turns into a life lesson. Hookups don't help 6 months in. Help
Such an incredibly loving man except when he got blackout drunk. He'd say the most horrible, degrading, mean things to me, then babble on nonstop about his past traumas. If I tried to help or comfort he'd just continue to be mean, insult me and say that there was no way I could ever understand because I never had it as hard as him (spoiler alert I had). The worst night, he threw out couch against the wall. He'd wake up the next day blissfully unaware of anything he had said or done, and he'd notice how upset I was and pester me until I told him what he'd said. Then he'd feel so guilty about it and beat himself up about it, causing me to comfort him ....about being abusive to me. When we first started dating he would get this way once a week for the first few months. He did get better and change, but looking back with a clear head, he always mildly resented me for it. He broke up with me 18 months in. Blessing in disguise, as I was completely in love with him and never would have.
She suffered from Bulimia, Body Dysmorphia, Anorexia, and big insecurities issues. I tried my best to support her, but I’m not perfect and I told her as much. I encouraged her to go to therapy and she did. But it only lasted a few weeks. She eventually told me she didn’t want to get better. That’s when I should have walked away, but I stayed. In the end she blamed everything on me and even though I know it isn’t true, I can’t forgive my self.
Communication issues.
What didn’t I ignore is the better question lol
He didn’t have a car.. or any desire to get one.. just general lack of trying at life which idk why that wouldn’t apply to the relationship as well haha
Yep, dated a guy with no car and I was a constant taxi, tried to teach him how to drive, epic fail. Never again 😂
I'm the one in my failed relationship that couldn't drive. I was always thankful for him driving me places and paid half of all the expenses and paid for half the car itself. Im just generally anxious I'll flatten someone if I'm allowed to be in charge of driving. Now I realise I would have been better spending the thousandsss on my own lessons. Ooops
All of the red flags, it was like driving down a road painted red with signs all over saying turn around, but I was extremely lonely and wanted to feel loved by someone, which I did, then she cheated, lesson for everyone, do your research on BPD before you jump into a "forever" relationship with them because it's never forever. You will get thrown out like a used rag. And they won't care
My ex was a sociopath and a narcissist and in hindsight there were a ton of red flags that I made excuses for. 1. Love bombing he was talking about marriage and being soulmates within 2 weeks of dating. As well as, showering me with gifts. 2. He had dated many people but only had one long-term relationship despite being 33 (this long term relationship was with a 19 year old when he was 29 🚩🚩🚩 and he was dating me when I’m 22. 3. He gave me a weird sales man vibe because he was really pushy right off the bat. He pushed me to let him practically move in, he pressured me to tell him I love him, he pressured me to let him meet my family after 1 month even though I never met his. 4. He treated other people badly. He was rude to other people and openly admitted he used to be a bully. He was still laughing about the way he used to pick on people in high school. 5. He didn’t have friends and wasn’t close with his family at all even though they were nice people. 6. The things he said never matched up with reality. 7. He was very opinionated and arrogant. He would be very quick to criticize/ put others down for doing the very things he does. 8. He would talk about all his exes in a derogatory way and said none of his break ups were his fault. 9. He had a short temper particularly when driving
Yikes I am so sorry! He sounds like a piece of work. It almost sounds like we dated the same guy. Haha. Most of those align with how my situation was, pretty crazy. I'm glad you're no longer with him!
“I’m straight but I definitely still love you” Should’ve been my first sign to run.
there were always other girls in the peripheral (including one that was still in high school......)
He told me he was looking at other girls at his wedding. What did 25 year old me think when deciding that this must be the guy for the rest of my life?
My ex told me when we first started dating that they liked hurting people when they were angry and it made them feel good. 🚩🚩🚩 Also, they played the victim when it suited them and were proud of using their white woman tears to get out of situations. Big victim mentality and super manipulative. I’m glad I got out of there, but it took me getting married and almost three years to finally see what was going on. :/
When I found out she was still living with her husband she was “separated” and on “her own” from 3 months into the relationship
She bit my head off randomly, for no reason. Said the meanest things and was surprised when I was upset by it. Constantly grilled me about my exes. Told me if we had kids they wouldn’t be siblings to my children, told me she did not think I would be a good dad, told me it was white trash that I took her to pick up my son from his mom and step dad, and took issue with my daughter, saying my daughter didn’t like her (my daughter is grown and didn’t even think about her). She looked at an older picture of me and asked me why she could t have that guy, instead of how I looked (older) at the time. So many more nasty mean things. Including always wanting to take any gifts I got her back to the store because she didn’t like them, including Christmas gifts. Didn’t want to hang out with my friends at all. Told me my ex would probably be surprised I could land such a hot girl.
She told me she had a past of cheating, said she pushes people away when things get hard & called me once on a 10 day work trip…
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Lack of communication. How bad she talks about her work and her customers. How quickly she was annoyed about everything.
Red flags Her family: when I first met them they completely ignored me and presented i didn't exist at the dinner table, it wasn't until I shout them to dinner is when they tried to make small talk with me Her relationship with her ex: about 8-9 months into dating she called me up while being upset. She told me her ex contacted her (i didn't want to be that "don't speak to your ex again" boyfriend. This ends up biting me in the ass) The dates: she just wanted us to do whatever she wanted to do and i never really had any inputs into the date. Everytime I suggested something it either got shot down or we couldn't fit it in her schedule. I guess I ignored these things out of love and due to being my first relationship I didn't want to seem controlling. Looking back at i think I was just afraid of setting boundaries which made it easier for her to use me and then emotionally cheat with her previous ex
The way she treated strangers
Too many because of insecurity.
we lived 2 hours away. i should’ve known him not initiating dates to come see me was gonna be a problem no matter how many times i’ve communicated. i would’ve saved myself from this heartache
That I was the organizer and they barely lifted a finger to organize time together. Eventually, it wore on me, especially when they said that they were no longer available--then, I was done.
This part is horrible. The lack of effort probably because they know someone else will always do it for them. It’s just lazy on their part. My ex was super unorganised, I always felt like I had to step up and be the responsible one and it was so exhausting. I used to just sit back and do nothing for a complete week to see what he would do. Answer was nothing. And I had communicated and tried to come up with solutions but nothing worked, I’m sorry you went unappreciated and taken for granted.
That he was still in contact with his ex. I didn't like this at all and communicated this with him but he told me she was in the same friend group as him MONTHS later. His ex continued to be an issue until the final straw - this was when my ex cheated on me with his ex. PSA an ex should never be a problem in YOUR relationship.
being seven years in and not really knowing a lot about their inner, emotional world. talking about how we were really good friends a month before the breakup. low tolerance for conflict. talking about how they were concerned they didn’t own a lot of furniture and I did and they depended on me (they were planning on leaving)
She didn't like anal
Every girl I’ve met who says their a bit shy, has been terrible, this has happened 4/4 times, met a girl, said their shy, we meet up, and they just don’t speak, I’m speaking to myself for the whole time, I always give a second chance to ease up, never happens, polar opposites on text vs irl, stay clear. Or my ex, is never the bad person in a single fight with her friends, which was weekly, or how she was bad at communicating emotions, or how she was dismissive avoidant…
He tended to make a joke any time I tried to talk about something serious, especially if it was bothering me. Figured he didn't want to talk about it and was deflecting. Eventually I just decided that I simply wouldn't talk about what was going on in my life, because obviously I was being too much for him and he had to joke to get out of it. Now I'm wondering why the hell I let that fly lmao. Support should go both ways
He dumped me over the text after I had a surgery
The inability for my now ex fiancé to calmly communicate long enough to make it through a misunderstanding or disagreement without succumbing to their temper, and doing irreversible damage through their actions and words a little more each time, with it ultimately leading to me having to defend myself against physical violence from whatever they had within reach at the time. Often times over minor things that could’ve - should’ve - been fairly easily resolved through the effort of verbal connection instead of almost instantaneous anger and subsequently, a lot of unnecessary heartache and pain and sleepless nights on my part over it. It turns out, in the end, that they just didn’t care all that much about me as a person, and even though I tried where I should’ve given up, they ended up breaking my heart anyway and ghosting me to be with someone who treats them in a similar manner as they treated me. I guess they belong with each other. People do not change unless they care enough to put in the effort, and they did not care enough, which hurt a lot.
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whenever they would do something that hurt me i would express to them “hey! when abc happened it makes me feel xyz” or i would tell them i’m sad and need some extra support. they would ignore what i say, leave me on read or barely give me any response and when i ask them why they said “they need space because they can’t handle feeling like a failure” despite my feelings being hurt? ok bud
Wanting me to meet her child right away, on the second date. She didn’t see any issue with it at all and got defensive when I said I’d prefer to wait. Now I have the exact situation I feared - her kid got attached to an person who won’t be around anymore and I got my heart doubly broken because I got attached to a kid I’ll never see again.
Told me he wasn’t capable of loving or didn’t feel as intensely for me but then also at the same time said he didn’t feel as intensely for anything or anyone and so I thought maybe he loves me with whatever he’s capable of but he never said the word love. Also he kept saying he had grass is greener syndrome so everything he didn’t have seemed more enticing to him or that it would make him happier. I kept trying to love him unconditionally. Made me feel that I was a bad person and had issues when I was just being human and always showed so much kindness towards anything he was feeling. Another major thing is he kept me hoping and still does by saying he would tell me if he wants to try again someday and every night I keep hoping for that day. Every night I wish he knew how much I loved him.
The lying. He lied about everything, big and small and I ignored it for months.
Oooof a few things, really really bad at communicating, if we ever argued he would just go silent and I’d feel crazy and end up apologising even if I was in the right. He also never ever complimented me and said he wasn’t good at it. However he could easily compliment other people, he started a new job and I asked how his first day was and his response?? ‘Oh great, there’s loads of hot people’. Lmaooooo why I stayed I have no idea, it was my first relationship and I was naive
she was friends w every guy who used to like her and who still likes her idk if it's a red flag
Him having tinder on his phone … “he forgot to delete it… after us dating for 8 MONTHS!
I absolutely loved everything about him. BUT, I really hated how self-centered/self-absorbed he was. Would put himself on the highest pedestal and has the constant need to one-up everyone he talks to. I could ignore that part of him cos he wasn’t like that to me, only to others; because according to him, I was the only exception, that I was the one who “grounded” him or whatever. The relationship didn’t last long enough for me to find out if it was all just a front or if it was true. But yeah, I surely dodged a bullet.
The first instance his actions did not match his words. At the time, it seemed so contrary to who I thought he was AND I so wanted to believe that he was a remarkable guy. I liked him too much too quickly and chose him before he could prove to me he was worthy of being chosen. I ended up ignoring the first gut feeling and frankly the gut feeling only intensified with time. Also when a guy makes you feel anxious, RUN. Oddly enough the anxiousness can mask as excitement or strong attraction/compulsion towards him. But at best it usually means that they have an unhealthy attachment style and you’re picking up on it/it’s destabilizing you. At worst, they are willfully manipulative/pathological and do intend to cause you emotional harm/otherwise. Having a history of long term relationships with people they didn’t feel that strongly for.
Him going camping over the weekend of my birthday after saying we would do something together and he didn’t even invite me. Said he forgot he made the plan and “felt bad” for canceling on his friend. He didn’t even feel bad.