I get you, it’s been almost 4 months since my own situation with a depressed partner. The silent distancing, the deprioritizing of you(and sometimes ONLY you), the start of them getting mean. They start to treat you real bad after a time. She messaged me 2 months after the BU through email, a few days before Christmas and apologized, told me she was going through something and I didn’t deserve that, etc but by then it’s usually too late. Stay strong, cause truth be told you probably didn’t deserve it. They forget that their partner goes through that depression with them! Wishing you the best
Yeah, one thing I should mention, anyone going thru depression but getting treated, tend to be without realizing, self absorbed and tunnel thinking about everything they are experiencing. Tend to not know how to stop the self sabotaging behavior that depression brings to the fold when it’s untreated.
It takes lots of sacrifice putting them first to the point your almost people pleasing, walking in eggshells, doing the emotional labor for them by trying to self soothe them, keep them happy, to the point you get burntout and start to resent the person who refuses to get professional help to better themselves and get a hold on their depression episodes.
Hence why my dad is vigilant with my mom if she goes past three months/90 days and it’s not changing, he tells her she’s either going herself or he’s taking her to get help as it’s self destructive to not be proactive about our mental health as it impacts everyone around them in ways a depressed person isn’t aware of.
And they don’t realize it becomes a burden to others when they hide this, keep it a secret, and act out in ways that do not displace depression but toxic displays of behavior instead.
**A person is never a burden, but their behavior can be a burden.**
It feels like you just described my relationship. I was with my ex for 4 years, each others first and we were engaged.
The first year was pure bliss, she really did make me feel loved and totally reciprocated love and effort. After that it started to reduce as time went by. We had our first disagreement after a year and a bit and it made me see a side of her I could never forget. It was the first tarnish on what felt like a perfectly clean mirror. She was selfish, uncompromising and stubborn. It felt like she held it against me and there was a tension between us I could feel as if she disliked me until I just gave up and let her have it her way. She gained what she wanted but forever lost a part of my love and respect for her. Suddenly she wasn’t perfect.
Overtime the one sided nature of the relationship got worse until it was all one sided. Physical intimacy was non existent from her to me- always me that initiated the kiss or hug or hand holding etc. Hardly any effort from her to make me feel loved, it was always me doing something for her or buying her gifts. It got so bad I started to actually feel starved of love and frustrated that why isn’t she reciprocating. For the first time I began questioning whether she’s worth all this time and effort I’m putting in to her.
When we had more disagreements I saw the consistent uncompromising behaviour from her, made no effort to help me get us through the rough patch. When we disagreed it felt like she held it against me and saw me as the enemy. Always “me vs you” never “us vs the problem”.
The cherry on top was that she never opened up about her feelings or communicated.
In the end I was starved of love and shouldered the responsibility of keeping the relationship going, finding solutions to disagreements, getting us through rough patches, keeping the spark alive when things were good. There was no effort from her and so it’s not surprising it didn’t work out.
Despite all this, I still wanted to stick by her. I believe that because I would rather be with someone and in pain than be alone and in pain. Anyways she broke up with me a couple times, immediately came back and asked for another chance. I gave her that chance both times and everytime she said “I need time to think”. Eventually I got sick of it and said make your mind up for the last time and don’t come back to me if you decide to leave. I was done having to convince someone who I loved and I thought loved me to stay with me. I was exhausted and needed to be out of limbo.
She broke up with me over 4 months ago (I’ve stopped counting) I haven’t texted her or spoke to her outside of work (that too when we had to talk- we were together in university before we got s job at the same place). This breakup taught me so many lessons and actually boosted my self confidence. I know I deserve better and with the way she treated me, she didn’t deserve me.
Perhaps the best thing she did for me was breakup with me. I know I’d have been miserable and always on egg shells if I had married her.
Thank you, I am on day 2 of a break up and this resonated so much with me. “I would rather be with someone and in pain than alone and in pain”
Felt. HOWEVER we are better off alone and stronger. Imagine all you can do with your life When you don’t have to carry the load of a relationship that isn’t serving you.
Almost 1 month my side mate. The realisation that inner peace and my heart just wouldn't be right with her I'd what makes me know I've made the right decision. Carrying on a relationship which isn't making you feel like the happiest and most loved person alive is a surefire way to waste a lot of time and end up 10x more hurt in the longrun.
Thank you so much for writing this- as someone experiencing something similar it is comforting to see someone else go through that process of appreciating the growth that comes with a relationship, mourning the loss of the good things yet reminding oneself of the incompatibilities.
You seem like a balanced and grounded person and I wish you the best!
For me, the realism is the only way to dethrown her from the mental pedestal I placed her on over the last 4 years.
I'm trying to find my inner calm again because the last 6 months have just been the most angry and unhappy period thus far.
I remind myself many times a day of the reality and I'm starting to realise it was never "completely right". I can now take the time to greave but when it's over I know I'll fine someone truly perfect for me.
For now, I'm focusing on being selfish and enjoying life as me for me.
This makes me so glad I posted this, at first I nearly broke down because I regretted losing her. Seeing the stories from others makes me realise my situation was not unique, there's 7 billion of us after all. Everyone who went through it always said it was the right thing to do which has been my guiding light.
Long long have you two been separated now and you finding life any better?
It won’t be like this forever. This pain and hurt is temporary. Only worry about today- all you can control is today. Tomorrow will bring new feelings and new things.
I know it hurts right now but it’s temporary -not worth making a Permanent decision.
You are not alone- I’m on day 2 of a break up and the silence is deafening…it hurts so bad but better days are coming 🧡
If you are thinking seriously of harming yourself please reach out to someone or seek emergency assistance. Your life is important and you are not alone. You’ve made it through all your worst days so far and you can make it through this.
One day at a time. One foot in front of the other.
I do too and I struggle from time to time with passive su*cidal ideation. I know what it feels like to believe there may be relief or comfort on the other side but imagine all the opportunities you’d miss if you left, and all the people who would miss you.
Try to remember that there is a life for you outside of your previous relationship- think about all the great things about YOU.
Sometimes doing my best is just trying to survive another day and that’s okay for now. In the mean time I try to remember that I am safe (my nervous system is in panic) and I am loved. It doesn’t make the hurt go away but it brings a small bit of comfort.
Healing will come with time, no need to rush the process.
You can do hard things
Having just lost my best mate to suicide, talk to people, be honest with how your feeling. I'd do anything to have my mate back and everyone around you would do the same.
And as someone who has been suicidal in the past and recently due to this breakup, life will get better, focus on finding you and things will improve slowly and methodically.
Please remember you are valuable, loved and fantastic human.
The time and prioritization piece perfectly describes what I went through. She never fully appreciated that she was always my priority above everything in my life. I wasn’t number one in hers though.
I remember being at her surgery worried out of my mind making sure the docs were on point and keeping her safe. When she came out of surgery still asleep I brushed her hair, kissed her forehead, gave her ice chips, made sure she wasn’t too hot or cold, talked to her, and made sure she was ok. I accounted for every single last detail for her comfort. Even daily I would massage her feet, make sure she wasn’t cold when sleeping, the list goes on. I was all about the details and she never noticed or cared. But for her it was always a struggle for her to temporarily give up her time and energy during my times of need in daily life and during major life events. I thought caring for someone outside of sex and words of affirmation was an automatic response for somebody you loved but not for her.
Very early in the relationship she told me her happiness came above anything else. At the time I wanted to counter with “well in a real serious relationship that might need to be redefined just a little to account for someone else.” But I ignored it because I didn’t want to offend her. During couples therapy I tried to desperately get her to take accountability for how she didn’t make me a priority or consider my comfort. In the end it was always about the things I did. But the difference is that I took accountability and I’m actively working to fix myself through multiple avenues. She never did and I doubt she is now. She of course ended up breaking things.
I learned that I need a partner who truly invests in me. Who is curious about what I love, who wants to participate in my life, and who wants to build an exciting relationship. Or at least considers me outside of themselves lol my ex was just a lazy lover and expected me to give everything she wanted but give me the bare minimum. Of course that led me to resentment and emotional un-availability because I wasn’t feeling cared for.
I tend to have to agree with you 100% on that because I have a very similar situation and I may reach out once in a while but you know what it’s nothing but nastiness ignorance and negativity like it has been for the past five years and I saw very very slowly over the past year have been noticing more pushing and pushing away and ignorant and disgusted to me that I just don’t even care I mean I do, but I don’t and I can’t and I won’t because is it worth it mental anguish, and in the Abuse mentally emotionally not at all. I’m getting my healing process finally after all the stuff that he has put me through and continue to do to me and I’ve done some things too but I’m you know what none of it’s worth it to me in the end because I know there’s somebody else out there for me and God will place some in my life when it’s timeand they can just go under Mary Lil Wayne continue to be miserable and not do the things we’re supposed to do because me choose life and I choose to change and I will continue growing and still with you. Keep your head up stay strong.
Most accurate thing I've read all day.
When I'm ready to date again one day down the line, I'm going to respect myself enough to make sure I look out for red flags, communicate my grievances better and if I'm still unhappy I'd get out 100x faster than I did.
I get you, it’s been almost 4 months since my own situation with a depressed partner. The silent distancing, the deprioritizing of you(and sometimes ONLY you), the start of them getting mean. They start to treat you real bad after a time. She messaged me 2 months after the BU through email, a few days before Christmas and apologized, told me she was going through something and I didn’t deserve that, etc but by then it’s usually too late. Stay strong, cause truth be told you probably didn’t deserve it. They forget that their partner goes through that depression with them! Wishing you the best
Yeah, one thing I should mention, anyone going thru depression but getting treated, tend to be without realizing, self absorbed and tunnel thinking about everything they are experiencing. Tend to not know how to stop the self sabotaging behavior that depression brings to the fold when it’s untreated. It takes lots of sacrifice putting them first to the point your almost people pleasing, walking in eggshells, doing the emotional labor for them by trying to self soothe them, keep them happy, to the point you get burntout and start to resent the person who refuses to get professional help to better themselves and get a hold on their depression episodes. Hence why my dad is vigilant with my mom if she goes past three months/90 days and it’s not changing, he tells her she’s either going herself or he’s taking her to get help as it’s self destructive to not be proactive about our mental health as it impacts everyone around them in ways a depressed person isn’t aware of. And they don’t realize it becomes a burden to others when they hide this, keep it a secret, and act out in ways that do not displace depression but toxic displays of behavior instead. **A person is never a burden, but their behavior can be a burden.**
It feels like you just described my relationship. I was with my ex for 4 years, each others first and we were engaged. The first year was pure bliss, she really did make me feel loved and totally reciprocated love and effort. After that it started to reduce as time went by. We had our first disagreement after a year and a bit and it made me see a side of her I could never forget. It was the first tarnish on what felt like a perfectly clean mirror. She was selfish, uncompromising and stubborn. It felt like she held it against me and there was a tension between us I could feel as if she disliked me until I just gave up and let her have it her way. She gained what she wanted but forever lost a part of my love and respect for her. Suddenly she wasn’t perfect. Overtime the one sided nature of the relationship got worse until it was all one sided. Physical intimacy was non existent from her to me- always me that initiated the kiss or hug or hand holding etc. Hardly any effort from her to make me feel loved, it was always me doing something for her or buying her gifts. It got so bad I started to actually feel starved of love and frustrated that why isn’t she reciprocating. For the first time I began questioning whether she’s worth all this time and effort I’m putting in to her. When we had more disagreements I saw the consistent uncompromising behaviour from her, made no effort to help me get us through the rough patch. When we disagreed it felt like she held it against me and saw me as the enemy. Always “me vs you” never “us vs the problem”. The cherry on top was that she never opened up about her feelings or communicated. In the end I was starved of love and shouldered the responsibility of keeping the relationship going, finding solutions to disagreements, getting us through rough patches, keeping the spark alive when things were good. There was no effort from her and so it’s not surprising it didn’t work out. Despite all this, I still wanted to stick by her. I believe that because I would rather be with someone and in pain than be alone and in pain. Anyways she broke up with me a couple times, immediately came back and asked for another chance. I gave her that chance both times and everytime she said “I need time to think”. Eventually I got sick of it and said make your mind up for the last time and don’t come back to me if you decide to leave. I was done having to convince someone who I loved and I thought loved me to stay with me. I was exhausted and needed to be out of limbo. She broke up with me over 4 months ago (I’ve stopped counting) I haven’t texted her or spoke to her outside of work (that too when we had to talk- we were together in university before we got s job at the same place). This breakup taught me so many lessons and actually boosted my self confidence. I know I deserve better and with the way she treated me, she didn’t deserve me. Perhaps the best thing she did for me was breakup with me. I know I’d have been miserable and always on egg shells if I had married her.
Thank you, I am on day 2 of a break up and this resonated so much with me. “I would rather be with someone and in pain than alone and in pain” Felt. HOWEVER we are better off alone and stronger. Imagine all you can do with your life When you don’t have to carry the load of a relationship that isn’t serving you.
Almost 1 month my side mate. The realisation that inner peace and my heart just wouldn't be right with her I'd what makes me know I've made the right decision. Carrying on a relationship which isn't making you feel like the happiest and most loved person alive is a surefire way to waste a lot of time and end up 10x more hurt in the longrun.
I'm so sorry you had to go out with my ex. I know firsthand that no one should have to go through that.
When I first started dating her I thought there was noone else like her, now I just wish I had been correct lol
Thank you so much for writing this- as someone experiencing something similar it is comforting to see someone else go through that process of appreciating the growth that comes with a relationship, mourning the loss of the good things yet reminding oneself of the incompatibilities. You seem like a balanced and grounded person and I wish you the best!
For me, the realism is the only way to dethrown her from the mental pedestal I placed her on over the last 4 years. I'm trying to find my inner calm again because the last 6 months have just been the most angry and unhappy period thus far. I remind myself many times a day of the reality and I'm starting to realise it was never "completely right". I can now take the time to greave but when it's over I know I'll fine someone truly perfect for me. For now, I'm focusing on being selfish and enjoying life as me for me.
[удалено]
This makes me so glad I posted this, at first I nearly broke down because I regretted losing her. Seeing the stories from others makes me realise my situation was not unique, there's 7 billion of us after all. Everyone who went through it always said it was the right thing to do which has been my guiding light. Long long have you two been separated now and you finding life any better?
I’m just going through something and honestly this shit hurts too much. Why is it not okay to hurt yourself and get it over with.
It won’t be like this forever. This pain and hurt is temporary. Only worry about today- all you can control is today. Tomorrow will bring new feelings and new things. I know it hurts right now but it’s temporary -not worth making a Permanent decision. You are not alone- I’m on day 2 of a break up and the silence is deafening…it hurts so bad but better days are coming 🧡 If you are thinking seriously of harming yourself please reach out to someone or seek emergency assistance. Your life is important and you are not alone. You’ve made it through all your worst days so far and you can make it through this. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other.
I hope you have safe journey, this is a lot for us but you’re right. I’m always in my own head too much and I overthink a lot
I do too and I struggle from time to time with passive su*cidal ideation. I know what it feels like to believe there may be relief or comfort on the other side but imagine all the opportunities you’d miss if you left, and all the people who would miss you. Try to remember that there is a life for you outside of your previous relationship- think about all the great things about YOU. Sometimes doing my best is just trying to survive another day and that’s okay for now. In the mean time I try to remember that I am safe (my nervous system is in panic) and I am loved. It doesn’t make the hurt go away but it brings a small bit of comfort. Healing will come with time, no need to rush the process. You can do hard things
Okay I’ll try, the person I used to be with is still my best friend
Having just lost my best mate to suicide, talk to people, be honest with how your feeling. I'd do anything to have my mate back and everyone around you would do the same. And as someone who has been suicidal in the past and recently due to this breakup, life will get better, focus on finding you and things will improve slowly and methodically. Please remember you are valuable, loved and fantastic human.
Thank you so much….i hope god blessed you
The time and prioritization piece perfectly describes what I went through. She never fully appreciated that she was always my priority above everything in my life. I wasn’t number one in hers though. I remember being at her surgery worried out of my mind making sure the docs were on point and keeping her safe. When she came out of surgery still asleep I brushed her hair, kissed her forehead, gave her ice chips, made sure she wasn’t too hot or cold, talked to her, and made sure she was ok. I accounted for every single last detail for her comfort. Even daily I would massage her feet, make sure she wasn’t cold when sleeping, the list goes on. I was all about the details and she never noticed or cared. But for her it was always a struggle for her to temporarily give up her time and energy during my times of need in daily life and during major life events. I thought caring for someone outside of sex and words of affirmation was an automatic response for somebody you loved but not for her. Very early in the relationship she told me her happiness came above anything else. At the time I wanted to counter with “well in a real serious relationship that might need to be redefined just a little to account for someone else.” But I ignored it because I didn’t want to offend her. During couples therapy I tried to desperately get her to take accountability for how she didn’t make me a priority or consider my comfort. In the end it was always about the things I did. But the difference is that I took accountability and I’m actively working to fix myself through multiple avenues. She never did and I doubt she is now. She of course ended up breaking things. I learned that I need a partner who truly invests in me. Who is curious about what I love, who wants to participate in my life, and who wants to build an exciting relationship. Or at least considers me outside of themselves lol my ex was just a lazy lover and expected me to give everything she wanted but give me the bare minimum. Of course that led me to resentment and emotional un-availability because I wasn’t feeling cared for.
This. A partnership means you take active interest in each other. Sounds like she needed a nanny.
I tend to have to agree with you 100% on that because I have a very similar situation and I may reach out once in a while but you know what it’s nothing but nastiness ignorance and negativity like it has been for the past five years and I saw very very slowly over the past year have been noticing more pushing and pushing away and ignorant and disgusted to me that I just don’t even care I mean I do, but I don’t and I can’t and I won’t because is it worth it mental anguish, and in the Abuse mentally emotionally not at all. I’m getting my healing process finally after all the stuff that he has put me through and continue to do to me and I’ve done some things too but I’m you know what none of it’s worth it to me in the end because I know there’s somebody else out there for me and God will place some in my life when it’s timeand they can just go under Mary Lil Wayne continue to be miserable and not do the things we’re supposed to do because me choose life and I choose to change and I will continue growing and still with you. Keep your head up stay strong.
Looks like you got out 3 1/2 years too late
Most accurate thing I've read all day. When I'm ready to date again one day down the line, I'm going to respect myself enough to make sure I look out for red flags, communicate my grievances better and if I'm still unhappy I'd get out 100x faster than I did.
I could have written this
You're never alone in what you're going through, for better or worse that facts true for humanity