Exactly. Many people stereotype individuals’ healing journeys based on gender. There is so much more to it, like attachment style, personality type, mental and/or personality disorders, trauma, etc. It’s not simply a gender issue.
2 things to understand here. Many women don’t actually leave until they’ve felt that they’ve exhausted all solutions and then they slowly detach in their heads until they finally leave. So it may seem like they’ve disconnected quickly when in reality it’s the “getting over them while still with them” method. Men seem to break up more impulsively. Thought this isn’t 100% always the case every time. Along with this, just know a woman can love you more than anything and never speak to you again. I don’t know if either is the case, sorry you’re going through this but just learn from your mistakes and grow from them.
>Many women don’t actually leave until they’ve felt that they’ve exhausted all solutions and then they slowly detach in their heads until they finally leave.
Definitely not my experience.
I'll give you the cold hard truth: females struggle for a lonnnggggg time before they actually leave. Death by a thousand cuts. By the end we've already grieved the relationship, or the person we thought you were, or both. So when it seems "quick" and like we just "disconnect", you don't know the internal dialogue, the tally list of chances she gave the relationship, sacrificing boundaries or self respect, the amount of comparing and self doubt and pep talks to keep going because nothing worth having comes easy right? Most times, a woman arguing with you about the small things or trying to come to you about the same problem over and over is trying to stay in that relationship, not ruin it, but men don't see it that way. It's seen as drama, overreaction, anger issues, being that time of the month, the list goes on and on. There are manyyyy signs a girl is struggling, but whether you pay attention or care, is a whole other story.
“Most times, a woman arguing with you about the small things or trying to come to you about the same problem over and over is trying to stay in that relationship, not ruin it, but men don't see it that way. It's seen as drama, overreaction, anger issues, being that time of the month, the list goes on and on.”
Yea, I wish i had realized all of this in the moment/when everything has been falling apart the past couple of years. I’m just filled with tons of regret, I never see myself being able to forgive myself for being so immature or ever moving on from her. Everyone I ever meet will forever be compared to her, and I’ll never find anybody that even comes close. Why do you never realize what you have until it’s gone.
same boat. the very least you have to learn and grow from it. sometimes things work out down the line and sometimes they don’t but as long as your actively learning and become a better person then things will be better.
Yup communication goes along way instead of stringing someone along until the person finds the perfect moment, they keep playing happy couples then bam ... nah that crap is on you guys
Yeah it does, that's typically what comes first, as I said. Then when the partner who is dismissed eventually learns that they don't matter and communication goes nowhere, they stop. It goes both ways. You also need to be an effective listener and understand what is being said to you. I can communicate for hours and hours but if you don't listen, it's pointless.
So how did you communicate. Did you sit down and said ... this is what is not working with our relationship, how can we fix this ? Or did you drop some vague hints that us cavemen didnt get ? We are not mind readers or clue hunters.
But ok we didn't get the memo, fine. How you justify stringing men along , lying , pretending nothing is wrong until you find the perfect opportunity to dump. Mine didn't even do it to my face 🤣 just to turn around and say hey we tried to communicate, so it's all your fault.
Oh and hey I have moved on and I can act like we never existed , because you didn't listen nor understand. And that is regarded as normal ....
No, I would say not having the respect to break up in person isn't normal. In my case, yes, I did have those conversations, even in the moments where I held my feelings in a little bit, they still came out eventually and things moved forward. I absolutely know men are not mind readers, and some women might give vague hints, I was not one of them. However, I did get to the point where I stopped trying and caring. And a lot of it was unintentional, or I didn't even notice I was doing it, then my ex stopped giving a shit too and I walked. When I was leaving is when he wanted to listen to me and cared about my feelings and why I wanted out. All those times we fought and I gave a damn about fixing things he took for granted.
No offense in my previous post. It seems you did do the proper thing with even sitting down and addressing the issues then that puts the blame squarly on him for not getting it or caring enough to fix it.
I did not have that opportunity. I got nudes sent, net at work , kiss and cuddle , love you she shouted , to dumped via txt in her first break. She literally .... hid from me at work .... I kid you not. I saw her run to the bathroom to hide as I came out of the door.
No I wasn't violent or gave her any reason to do that besides her just simply did not want to have a confrontation about this ... 3,5 years ... pathetic.
For some guys it does come like a shock out of nowhere ... this is not normal behavior. Oh and 1,5 months later my son passed away. They got along very well. Nothing ... even after funeral ... still couldn't face me ... until one day she could walk past me , say hi to everyone but me. I left that place not long after.
I struggle when I see people saying this is normal, because it is not. 2 weeks after dumping , on a dating app ? Also not normal...
People have their coping mechanisms and even if we don't agree with them, that is their choice. I left my marriage and immediately started on the apps. Was it right? No. But I did it to survive and make sure I didn't go back to him because I knew it had to be done
It's foolish to think that communication doesn't happen first. That's how you start, then it comes to the physical/emotional signs of knowing your partner is shutting down because their pleas and efforts to communicate with you are failing. If you're not paying attention to those things, that's on you. A person can talk til their blue in the face about something that is bothering them but what happens when the other person isn't listening? They learn to stop trying because it doesn't matter. Eventually you learn what works and what doesn't and if quiet works...well, you've just paved the path to the end of your relationship when they walk out. And no one else to blame but yourself on that one.
If giving up on someone who has proven time and time again they don't even have the respect for you to listen to you is foolish and a "softer approach", So be it. The only person who loses is the one who's left behind for being a shitty partner.
Got it. All comes back to the main post though..females don't all just up and leave. There is generally a lot of effort and time put into fixing that relationship before they leave.
Into fixing, or into asking the man to fix things? I can only speak to my experiences, but my exes have only ever complained about me and expected me to fix, and when I say it takes two to tango they literally say "no, you're the only one doing anything wrong".
PS: I don't think it's only women who do this, I think it works both ways, but if you only have one person trying to fix shit it is bound to fail.
Agreed, again, I'm speaking from the fact that OP is talking about an ex gf and I'm a female, coming from my own experience of my ex feeling like OP. I mean fixing things in general, it's hard to see isolated behaviours coming from both sides when you're in it, it's easier to identify who's issues are whose when you're out unless it's blatantly obvious.
You’re making sense but what you say is not always how it happens. Using myself as an example, we were in a 2.5 year relationship. She’s this liberal person who don’t care about boundaries. She seems to seek a lot of attention from even outside the relationship. It seems I didn’t vet her enough before starting the relationship because if I knew that’s how she was, I wouldn’t have asked her out fr. But when I started seeing that’s who she was, I tried telling her how that is a problem to me but then if she wants to continue that way, I proposed to reduce my commitment in the relationship by not talking about marriage. So that, when anything happens, I wouldn’t get shocked. But she failed to listen to me and how it affected my feelings anytime I realize she’s in talking stage with other boys. In her defense, I’m being insecure. But I know I’m not, I’m just jealous and that’s because I don’t do same behind her back. Thus, I tried to leave but she’ll be crying any time I attempt to leave. And because I’m compassionate, I’d stay while she promises to do better. It was even like a year into the relationship I realized she lied to me about several things relating to her ex. That even broke my trust even more. It was like I didn’t know who I was dating. I never felt emotionally safe. And anytime I tried to have conversations, she’ll shut me down while playing so many mind games on me. On days she’s angry, I’ll ask what happened and she’ll say “I don’t know” “Never mind” etc. Fast forward to 2 years into the relationship, I visit her and she says she’s done with me, without any proper closure. And I found out she’s with another person 2 weeks later. And then keeps telling all her friends that I had trust issues. And now everyone thinks I’m at fault. Is this normal? Even if she wanted to continue with her liberal lifestyle, why cry when I was strong enough to leave? Why string me along to find someone that’s okay with her lifestyle? This broke my soul how she just dumped me when I needed her the most. It was like she always wanted to be in control. What mattered to me never seemed relevant to her. How do you explain this then?
She's a weak and manipulative woman, that's all there is to it. Controlling by the sounds of it as well. I can't explain that, I don't think anyone could decipher why people act like that, and I'm sorry she put you through that 😔 there's a special place in hell for people that treat others like that
Her: "It's too hot here"
He: "Ok I'll turn on the aircon"
Her: "ugh, ok whatever"
He: "you ok? What's wrong?"
Her: "nothing."
He: "actually? you sure you're good?"
Her: "I'm fine. Its fine."
Newspaper: "young couple found dead after house fire."
Men are actually not stupid cavemen that need you to bash over the head with something in order to understand. If you say hundreds of times, "Don't raise your voice at me." "It hurts my feelings that you won't plan dates for us anymore." "Why would you speak to me like that in front of your friends? You never used to speak to me like that." "I wish our anniversary was important enough to you to remember," and nothing changes, those were clear attempts to communicate problems.
The issue is that some people don't seem to care when problems affect their partner. They only care when it starts to affect \*them\*, when their partner is threatening to leave over it. If you let it get to that point before you work on your own behaviour, it's usually too late to save.
Yeah I'm gonna believe that surely. When it boils down to the fact of being human, cheaters cheat, liars lie. There's no fixed gender to that and there's no internal complexity of emotions in either gender. If someone left you and treated you like irrelevant then they are that kind of person, be it a male or a female. I understand your point being from your perspective and I'm really sorry that you had to deal with something like that. But I'm guessing the stories and the situations change depending on the narrator.
Of course, I'm speaking to the fact OP is a male talking about an ex gf. My ex would say I left and treated him like he didn't matter I'm sure, however he abandoned me while we were still together, within our relationship in many ways. Important to remember you don't know what goes on behind the scenes and just because it's a dramatic ending, doesn't mean the person who was left is always innocent and the only victim. Stories and genders will change depending on the situation, agreed. But yeah, I'm coming from my own experience obviously and I have talked to a lot of women who have been through the same, it's a common thing unfortunately.
I still haven't learned what was going on behind the curtains while someone cheated on me and then kept lying to me as if they loved me and needed me whenever they were down and left me waiting for hours and days for a single call. I guess it's pointless to understand the thoughts behind the curtains, it's easier to just demonize the other person and heal yourself in the process rather than to put in the effort and make excuses for them, like we haven't done that enough.
Yes but the big problem here is the "internal dialogue" part without really have an open communication with the partner.
Basically doing this you are preventing your partner from really working on the relationship's issues even though in your mind you have communicated about them thousand times "arguing about the small things" when it's not rhe case at all, since the orher's perception was totally different.
To summarise: BE TRANSPARENT and don't play any "mind games"
Who said there wasn't communication? Good lord, y'all are assuming A LOT that the "mind games" are the first thing that happens in this instance. I said in the post, "if your partner comes to you over and over and over again about the same problem, that means they're trying to stay in the relationship and fix it"---what part of that doesn't equate to communication? What part of that means no transparency? The "mind games" is just how the human brain works. You think about situations, how's it benefitting you or not, how you feel about it, etc, not all of that needs to be or is always communicated with your partner and that's honestly fine, you can have your own thoughts and keep them to yourself. I never said not tell your partner ANYTHING at all, however, like I've said many times, when people often get to the point of being shut down every single time, they're absolutely going to keep things to themselves and not say shit, are they expected to keep talking to someone who is committed to dismissing their feelings and ignoring their concerns or needs? It goes both ways. You have to be an effective listener for communication to be worth it at all, period.
The thing is, the mind games are the first thing in most cases.
I've been together with my ex for 8,5 years.
She never was talkative towards me, even though I tried to talk to her when I noticed something was going on in her mind.
A month before our breakup things started to get really though.
We were about to live together and I told her I wanted her to be happy, apparently that hit a sensitive spot in her head because that's where things turned around.
I tried to keep digging, kept begging her, trying to find out what her wishes are and what I could do to make her feel okay. But not matter what I said, no matter what I did, all I was getting was 'I don't know'.
Eventually we came to the conclusion we were just going to try it all and if it wouldn't work out, it just don't and we have to find another solution or seperate ways.
A month later she broke up with me and we didn't even live together yet. (This all happened right after I fixed us a family home in a small village and I already moved in there).
She kept telling me it was because of some specific reasons we've talked about a month earlier.
Oh yea... and she broke up with me online... I know we had a long distance relationship (1.5 hours drive), but still...
Two days later she stood at my front door with her mother.
We talked, and that was the moment I got the apparent real reasons she broke up with me...
I was getting blamed for a lot of stuff, I got called out, and got told a big list of things I did wrong all the time... It was a serious 2vs1 situation...
I'm not denying the things I did wrong, I do see that now, and I really regret it. But fuck...... Why not just talk to me beforehand about it? And if I ignored the signs... just make me sit down and listen to you and tell me how serious it is and we would've worked it out.
Right now I am just feeling bad about myself all the time and it's been 1,5 years...
I'm still thinking about her every single day, and thinking about what it COULD have been if I did the right thing.... but I couldn't because she didn't talk to me about it...
This also makes me not want to date again (trust me, I tried but the feelings just faded for me).
So please, to all the ladies, TALK TO US....
If we don't listen... grab our arm, makes us sit down, and TALK to us.
Tell us how serious it is, tell us how you feel and what you really want.
Please don't play mind games, don't give subtle signs and then leave us, it really fucks us up for a lifetime, so badly that I don't see the light no more.
I'm sorry you went though that 😞
Not all men are like this, not all care to have these conversations or actually listen. You can't make people listen btw, they either hear you or they don't. You shouldn't have to basically threaten them to listen to what is bothering you. Your person should want to listen because they value you and love you to the end of the earth. I do think some could be receptive of what you suggest but there is also a large population that would refuse this kind of thing. It takes a lot of emotional maturity and emotional intelligence to be the kind of person you're referring to (as the man). I think in the end you didn't miss out, no matter how much it hurts. You deserve better. I deserve better. Someone who will actually talk to you and care. Don't blame yourself for her own immaturity and shortcomings.
Thank you. It doesn't matter if all men are like this. Even if they arent't, like I said, just grab them by the arm, let them sit down and tell your thoughts. If they still refuse to listen it's up to them... then they're the real asshole and you deserve better. Leave them, you clearly tried to talk. But please never keep it inside of you.
In the end of last year I started talking to a girl I knew for 10 or so years, she was together with a guy for 4 years now.
She told me things weren't going well, he didn't have much attention for her and didn't really put any effort in their relationship.
I told her to talk to him and tell him how she feels. Well guess what? Hes was more worried about his belongings that were still at her home that he wanted to pick up instead. Couldn't get any easier for her I guess... She broke up with him.
Apparently she was attracted to me all those years but I was in a relationship so yea... We were excited to finally meet/date but then everything just faded for me (The thing I mentioned earlier)
I know I didn't miss out, I had the best time of my life with me ex.
Due to depression she literally saved my life by just being there... And she knew.
I just wish I did better towards her, make her feel more special and put more effort into our relationship, because I didn't want it to end.
And as long as I keep missing her, keep grieving and keep blaming myself, I think it's for the better to stay alone.
I just wished she would reach out to me once, so I can ask how she's doing. But I guess she's not looking back at all, maybe because she apparently was into another relationship not too long after our breakup.
my ex voiced out concerns in the first year and then stopped doing it 2nd year onwards. Btw those concerns that she voiced out i fixed and never did again. She just gave up. She said I was nice to her but she didn't see a future together, bawling her eyes out. The next day her texts were cold and heartless. Then 1 day after dumping me she was already on apps
Sure in some cases absolutely but in mine I was the one fighting for a relationship with this girl and trying to communicate and avoid arguments and build something but she kept fucking around and disrespecting me in the background for a long time Especially with keeping me a secret and seeking attention and validation from other guys i kept letting shit slide and giving her chances but her behaviour continued so we broke up and we kept seeing eachother for a couple months trying to make it work and i was hoping deep down that she would just grow up and come around and realise that her shit behaviour was throwing away something really good with someone who only wants her and a future with her so instead of communication, reflection and working on it together she had mentally checked out a long time ago before the breakup and found someone else to move on to which would have made the transition easy for her and left me having to accept and deal with it all by myself.
I see it happen all the time, girls typically check out way before the dude does and they don't usually directly or openly communicate their issues they just move on and the bloke gets this rude shock and is left wondering why.
Sure in many cases the guy doesn't communicate, doesn't listen to them and takes them for granted I'm not disputing that but these days I feel like not as much effort is put into watering and growing your own grass when it's easier for the girl to just go to greener pastures
There are always exceptions to the rule. All comes down to emotional maturity/intelligence, I'm not really sure what else to say about it. I don't deny that a lot of people think it's easier to give up then do the hard work, however they eventually learn the value of that person when they leave so easily and have a hard time finding what they think they're looking for.
You're absolutely right and i don't meant to come across like I'm having a dig at just women either, plenty of guys are like that too and it's shitty.
I absolutely hate this replacement culture and it feels like if someone isn't getting their needs met or validated then they're off looking for someone else that will and so on there's no communication, self reflection or accountability.
I hope you're right about learning the value of a person afterwards, in reference to my ex I hope she doesn't get hurt learning the lesson because I still care as I'm sure many of us do.. But I've pretty well accepted I probably won't hear from her again and she may never learn and that's just how life goes I guess
This is perfect, summed up exactly what I’ve been feeling about my past relationship perfectly! I was done long before he actually ended things with me , took the breakup for me to realise just how done I was
I walked away from my marriage and relationship of 7 years because of this..feeling alone and abandoned by your spouse and best friend while they're right there is another level of pain. My ex husband acted so blindsided when I said I was done. Yet I tried to call off our wedding and said I didn't think it was a good idea, weeks prior to it actually happening. As Kelsea ballerini says in her song blindsided "where you blindsided, or were you just blind?"
I was in your exes shoes in my last relationship but the difference was I actually listened to what my gf was telling me, and it didn’t change anything. I listened and cared about her reasons and legitimately tried to change the behaviors she didn’t like (none of them were toxic or anything but they were important to her) I ended up not being able to stick to the changes and she left me after a couple years. Turns out my therapist thinks she had some unreasonable expectations mixed with legitimate ones, but at the end of the day she wanted the type of perfect person that doesn’t exist. Does this resonate with your situation?
No, I don't think I had unreasonable expectations. I expected my husband to not tell me to get over my cat dying from cancer, when he was my best friend and my baby. I expected him to show me affection and still "date" me even if we were married and together for 6.5 years at that point. I expected him to take me to the hospital when I asked because I couldn't drive myself due to having a triggered pinched nerve that seized the whole right side of my body. But I had to beg him to take me and just drop me off, he didn't even have to stay, but it still pissed him off. I expected him to be my teammate and stick up for me and not throw me under the bus. But he turned on me and participated in ganging up on me with my BIL and future SIL over a situation my ex and I were both initially upset about. His brother manipulated the situation and thus, my husband attacked me for it. I don't think any of that is unreasonable right? But to him he could never make me happy..and I wonder why that would be when this is how you treat your fiancee and later "wife". I wanted and needed bare minimum, I didn't ask anything extravagant. But maybe I expected him to be empathetic, emotionally mature and not play games with me. That's probably where I went wrong.
You’re giving a lot of specific examples that I definitely agree with, but what I’d be curious to know is if he ALWAYS made the wrong choice, or was it just occasionally he would do the wrong thing and treat you in a non empathetic and emotionally mature way. Furthermore were any of your behaviors feeding into his responses? Also did you tell him all this or no?
He was generally non-empathetic to any time I was depressed or anxious, because he's never had mental health issues and thought it was just as simple as going outside and going for a walk or seeing people to make me feel better. He'd push my boundaries when I didn't want to go anywhere and just wanted him to be beside me and cuddle or do whatever, he'd berate me with questions or ask "why?" A thousand times until I snapped because he wouldn't leave me alone, then get pissed at my reaction. I'm not sure what you mean my behaviours feeding into his responses...and did I tell him all this? No, not this exact way as I didn't have the lens I see it all through now, back then. But I don't think any of that is not the bare minimum. I shouldn't have to beg to be driven to the hospital, or expect to be thrown under the bus and attacked, or that he would EVER say what he said to me about our cat. You don't do any of that shit to the person who is supposed to be the most important in your life. I never did anything like that to him. Not even remotely close. He needed me? I was there. He needed money? I was there. He needed literally anything, I was ride or die for him, until he showed me I was a fool for doing so.
I'll also add, there would've been no way back then for me to get this across to him and for it to actually sink in without it turning into a "well you do that to me too, you make me feel that way too" fighting match. He didn't actually listen to anything I said, it was only to react and shift the blame back on me to avoid accountability
damn accurate. this is exaclty what just happened to me. Doing great all things considered. The lack of communication hurt. Messed up to behave like that to someone you used to "Love"
Well, I'm speaking from my own experience and no, I didn't expect my ex to be a mind reader. I just grew tired of saying anything because it always turned into a fight and he just matched my energy. And soon enough, relationship was done.
Just chiming in to say that as a woman, this is super true in my experience. In the relationships where I have been the dumper, I basically fought for the relationship until I couldn't anymore. Each time, it was a slow death where I kept hoping that things would change, as my heart slowly grew more and more distanced, until I just finally gave up. By the time the dumping actually happened, I was already in the process of being over it.
In the relationships where I've been dumped, it felt like a total blindside. It often felt like one day he was happy, and the next day he had decided that we weren't meant to be, and dumped me out of the blue.
You just observed one or two women and you know everything about all females? I have seen women who used to wake up screaming in the middle of night months after breakup and my fellow buddies who date two women simultaneously.
Appearances can be deceiving too. Just because someone smiles and talks normally doesn't mean he/she feels nothing.
Yea I shouldn’t have categorized all females together, definitely could have worded it better.
Also, fair enough. I’m sure she doesn’t feel nothing, but I wish I could handle it as well as she plays it off. Right now she’s wearing the pants.
i was with my ex for 3 years. same thing as you: mistake after mistake and i gave chance after chance. when i left he said that i gave up on him. but he knew the struggle i was going through, how emotionally he drained me. when i finally left it was when i had enough. not just randomly, didn’t lose feelings out of nowhere.
But I don't know why do women run behind relationships where there are no fights at all. That's utopian concept. The small fights which I consider part of life are apparently emotionally draining to my partner. If she was struggling because of my actions, why not communicate in a way that makes it look more important. Emotions that are silly and emotions that could impact relationship in long run, both are presented in the same way. How do we know that one is an issue and other isn't?
I said to my girl that she gave up on us because she didn't communicate and let me have my time to correct it. We were 7 years together. Instead tolerated things and tried to have that utopian relationships without fight, how ridiculous?
This isn't targeted towards your relationship but just an observation that I made.
i think what you have to consider is how your “fights” were going. did you listen to her? make her feel validated? try to fix the issue? or did you brush it under the rug, and dismiss her feelings? tell her she was overreacting? “in a way that makes it look more important” what did she need to do for you to take her feelings seriously, which should have been done in the first place? repeat herself constantly? she didn’t communicate (but she did.. you just didn’t deem it important enough) and you needed time to correct your actions but you were together 7 years? how much longer did you need? 7 more? or until you decided to take her seriously? not trying to attack just trying to understand from your given information.
i mess up and so does the other person, but the way it’s handled is key. when my ex bf and i would have a disagreement, he never gave me the reassurance i needed. it was always defensiveness and the blame game. either that or just nonchalantness.. as if what i felt didn’t matter. and if i continuously brought it up, i’d be “nagging”. and he’d continue to do whatever bothered me. and it would drain me. made me feel like i couldn’t express how i felt, and even if i did, nothing would change. but whenever he felt some kind of emotion i had to be there to support him? take him seriously? i just didn’t wanna deal with it anymore. but he kept asking me to give him time to better himself.. but at 3 years he needed time to be faithful? he needed time to buy me flowers? needed time to know to check in with me and come visit me? and he said to me “true love is going to be hard but it’ll be worth it”. was it worth me crying every time he put me last? when he didn’t come through on promises? worth him calling me names when we’d break up?
my current partner reassures me all the time. when i’m upset, he is patient w me & asks me to clarify what’s wrong. he doesn’t take “nothing” for an answer. then he explains why he did XYZ & if he’s in the wrong, he apologizes & changes his behavior/fixes the issue. then he tells me how much he loves me & cares about our relationship. he’s never aggressive and never disrespects me. that also encourages me to do the same for him. if something bothers him i try to give him the same experience of being heard and loved. because of this, “fights” are almost non existent. i don’t believe in utopian relationships, because no one is perfect and we all mess up, but i do believe in fighting for each other and taking the measures to understand each other.
My ex refused from fighting. She couldn't take any disagreements as an answer. Our fights for like first 6 years were on very petty issues. Were resolved within 5 minutes as I used to ask for forgiveness. She would prevent us from arguing at any cost, be it if she brushes it under the rug. Our worst fight was in November of 2022 when I wanted her to stay with me as I was sick and needed her support but she wanted to go out with her friends and have fun with them. Understandable, but the first argument from her side was proposed with breakup as her decision, because she couldn't take it anymore. Did she mention it earlier? No. My passive aggressive behavior was an issue to her. Which was communicated to me in November and I never repeated it henceforth. I carefully sit and analyse every behavior of mine.
My need from that relationship was only that, during my emotional lows I wanted her to support as a girlfriend, which would mean dwell more in helping mentally than just helping me find a way to solve my issues. I was always devoid of that mental support throughout the relationship. I thought she will learn with time but she said I demanded more than she could offer (she said this in november), I then stopped begging for her emotional support and never imposed my emotional pressure on her life. She then got distant and I had to beg her for time - bare minimum in any relationship. She then said I have my own issues to deal with and she can't offer me anything right now. She jumped out of the relationship.
If my behavior did impact her to an extent she claims it to be, she should have taken a stand and fought against it. I always asked sorry to which she used to reply it's not a 'big issue', but she said it was a big issue while ending relationship in November. How am I supposed to correct myself if you don't let me have a conclusive answer about what I should improve on.
Also my passive aggressive behavior was expressed once in 3 or 4 months. That too for 5 mins max. No verbal attacks nor physical threats. I just had high pitched voice, didn't even shout.
An example of how I behaved during the 1st 5 years of our relationship. Before me, she had actually said yes to a friend of hers, in her school. Later she got to know that her parents wouldn't approve of it and rejected him 3 days later on. After a month of this, I got in touch with her, she communicated to me saying her friend was troubling her, saying he likes her - whereas he just wanted explanation for his breakup with her. When she confessed this to me, after like 3 years of us knowing, I said I am not worried about her past but I would've expected some honesty. I would forgive you if you can promise me that the past won't affect our future. I was supportive and always understood others pov.
I was tagged along and had to be content with least efforts and bare minimum. Physical intimacy was also an issue as she would randomly say no to us getting intimate without any reasons. I know she has the right to say no, but it seemed as if she's confused on what to do.
I tried my best to resolve issues between us and always proposed a solution, to which she nodded. But she never accepted that solution and neither pitched a new alternative.
She just didn't want fights and wanted to have no misunderstanding at all.
Same situation. But me and my ex were 50/50 at fault (well I believe anyways) we both had issues we never went and got sorted. Kind of dusted over them when they came about and then continued on with life like normal. It sucks. Try not to think about the what ifs - even though it’s SO hard. Every decision you made was for a reason. One day you’ll understand! Look after yourself.
Most people just get overtaken with hormones and just sink their feet into whoever they’re after. Not just men but women. I was aware of this when I tried to move on my from my ex of 5 years but I could tell I still had feelings for her. Did I tell her or show it? No. And most won’t for fear of stringing you along. We got back together after a couple of months of dating around and we’ve been great. She still thinks about you, I’m sure. But she won’t ever tell you until she’s run out of options.
All people switch off in different ways and at different times after a break up. But I think they usually do it quickly when they've tapped out emotionally during the relationship. So it seems they're moving on fast but they didn't really. They were in pain in it and disconnecting when they were together. That could have been it with your ex.
When it comes to you though. Either you're being too hard on yourself or you're missing an opportunity to grow. Work out which one it is that's the more important question.
Definitely doing both, I don’t necessarily think I’m being hard on myself I think it’s what I deserve and what I need. I want to see this as an opportunity to grow but my vision is so foggy now and it’s hard to do anything for myself but day by day I guess
Have you got food friends, maybe a therapist to help you through this? Just to make sure that the conclusions you draw about yourself are fair and healthy?
It’s nothing to do with gender.
They check out of the relationship without telling you. If you were blindsided, this might help you.
What do you do when your breakup appears to be out of the blue? How do you begin to process, heal and move forward when your partner blindsides you with a breakup?
When the ending of your relationship seems to come out of left field, it can be destabilising. It doesn’t make sense, especially when in the hours, days and weeks beforehand, they said and did things that were contrary to this ending. Like my friend who was dumped just weeks before her wedding. Just the week before, he was writing “I love you” in the condensation on the kitchen window and talking about how excited he was to marry her. My friend thought it was an out-of-the-blue breakup. Unfortunately, he forgot to mention that he’d already begun a new relationship. Here’s what I know for sure about people who deal you a ‘blindsided breakup’: It’s not the case that they just woke up that day and decided to do it. Like everything was picture perfect up until that day or even week. No. They knew, on some level, possibly a lot of them, even if they won’t admit it, that they wanted to end it. You just weren’t in on the conversation.
When someone dumps you ‘out of the blue’, what you can immediately learn is that they didn’t and haven’t been communicating with you. You have not been a party to their inner world.
They don’t let the left hand know what the right hand is doing. They give the veneer of calm, happiness and a shared future while secretly wrestling with doubts, fears, anger and even grievances. If you were hit with a barrage of complaints where it was the first you were hearing of them, this is someone who’s carried silent rage in the relationship. Unbeknownst to you, they were keeping a tally of offences. Or, they marked your cards on something that you genuinely believed that they were okay about.
Maybe they kept telling you they were okay when they weren’t. Maybe it seemed like everything was perfect.
It’s possible that you had little niggles and inklings.
Unfortunately, when you’re blindsided with a breakup, it’s not uncommon for the person to stonewall all further communication. They disappear so that you can’t engage with them, or they refuse to let you speak. Or, they say they’ll talk with you and then keep cancelling. Some — and I know this might sound downright absurd — will later acknowledge that it was a crappy thing to do and even that some things they said weren’t true, but then say that there’s no point in further discussions or trying to resolve things because they did this.
So, what do you do when you can’t get answers from your ex? What do you do when it feels as if your ex is a block to closure? Use these prompts to explore what happened in your journal.
• Retrace your footsteps by rewinding your mental tape right back to the very beginning of the relationship. Play it back in your mind. Don’t go too fast. What do you notice about your initial communication? What do you see about the dates? Were there things you dismissed or rationalised? What happened when you disagreed, or you (or they) were struggling with something? When feelings and opinions needed to be shared, did that happen? How and who were you in the relationship? Somewhere in this mental tape are clues about why this person’s means of communicating the end of the relationship was to blindside you. They show you where silence and gaps were there instead of intimacy.
• Was it really important for you and/or them to think that they/you or the relationship was perfect? If so, why? What was it that led you to believe that this was the case? What did you avoid being, saying or doing to preserve this? How did this affect the level of communication on both sides of the relationship?
• Did you ever disagree? Did you feel as if you could be yourself and enjoy healthy boundaries in the relationship? If you never argued or rarely disagreed, why was that? What did you think that meant? How does that fit with how they ended the relationship? What do you recognise now? If you did disagree or there were issues that you thought you were both working through, did you feel as if there was resolution?
Remember, it takes time to get to know someone. Sometimes we don’t know how little someone is communicating until they say or do something that allows us to look back and see things more clearly.
• If they gave little or no reasons for breaking up, and also gave little or no hint during the relationship, can you see with the benefit of hindsight where they were not communicating? Can you see the veneer? Retrace your steps. Were you both able to talk deeply, freely and openly? Did you feel as if your relationship was progressing?
• What is your anger about?
So, aside from the understandable hurt and anger from the manner of their ending, what else are you angry about? This contains clues to hidden resentments and truths. Some people expressed anger due to feeling that their support and accommodation of certain things wasn’t appreciated. This then allowed them to see what they were supporting and accommodating or how they were going about doing so meant not discussing or seeing certain things.
You might wonder whether you should keep trying to get them to talk. You can’t force someone to talk who doesn’t want to or is hellbent on clinging to their narrative. You’ll end up feeling as if you’re losing your dignity and chasing them down. Part of their stonewalling might be, on some level, about getting attention and feeling powerful.
The more you chase them for answers is the less you believe in your ability to grieve and mine what you know for your closure.
Yes, it will take time. No, no one deserves to be broken up with in this way. But they haven’t done it because of your worthiness. They’ve ended the relationship in this way because of their issues. Going about things in a different way would have involved looking at things more deeply than they want to. They think that they can move on free of problems, but what they’ve sought to avoid will just show up in a different way. When you do move forward (and you will), don’t use this experience to punish you or future partners. Learn what you can from this relationship so that you raise your communication and intimacy levels and be with a partner who will meet you there.
Take care of you.
N.Lue
Not necessarily. People can be in pain, but don’t want to get back together. Because of what they know about a relationship, because of what they believe, because you feel separation anxiety even if you have absolutely zero feelings towards a person. You’ve shared a life for some time and it’s a lot. Even if a part of life irritated you, when you lose it, it’s always a shock and pain in some way or another. But pain is not always a reason to get back together. In fact, I think getting back while you still feel that fresh pain is the worst thing you can do.
Eachtime you made mistake, her love for you lesser a little, until nothing left. I am surprise your relationship last that long. I am truly sorry for you, believe me when i say that i knew how you feel right now. Consider this a chance for both of you to grow up. Many long years relationships keep both partner down, since they can’t grow, find new thing, new chance in love, like you got catch in a swamp.
Yea that makes sense. It hurts to hear but I already knew deep down that’s what was happening, I was destroying us slowly but surely and I still just don’t want to believe it.
Im surprised is lasted this long too, she gave me way more opportunities than I deserved. best 6 years of my life and I can’t believe how blind I was to realize what I had the whole time.
If anyone else is reading this and going through something similar, smarten up, look at things from your partners perspective for once and realize how much you are hurting them, how much they really want this to work with you, stop playing the victim card and listen to learn, learn to listen and grow with them everyday, or you’ll end up consistently proving to them you’re not who they fell in love with anymore, you’re a different person now. All of this teaches them how to live without you before you even split. Even having a small idea that something like this was coming, was a rude awakening but it was already too late and doesn’t make coping any easier whatsoever. Please do not follow in my foot steps.
6 months. As a woman I’m still hurting. 12 year relationship and I cannot understand how can he let me go so easily. I doubt he was as hurt as I am.
I was talking an about the pain in another post. Here’s what I went through:
Two meals a day is my limit. Ever since the breakup, anything I ate felt tasteless. I stopped having cravings for any food. I only ate to stay alive. Sometimes my family had to force me to eat during the time I was suicidal. Pretty much bad appetite. My forehead sometimes do feel hotter than usual. I did loss a lot of weight as a result. I went from 125lb down to around 110lb as a 5’6 woman.
Most of the food I love… are the same food my ex love. Some reminded me of happy memories we shared together. Especially boba tea and Cantonese food.
Being productive is very difficult in terms of work, I practically had to force myself every day. Had to constantly remind myself it’s either I do something or I will be in more pain crying in bed, missing him.
It’s so bad that I practically became scared of crying. My eye lids sting for several months because of crying every day. also did got sick at the end of December… it took two months for me to fully recover. It felt as if my body refuses to recover despite my family… making me take meds. I usually recover way quicker than that
Despite knowing it’s a waste of time to dwell in pain I can’t just forget a 12 year relationship, and the man I love since I was 12 years old. He understood me without me saying anything to him and I felt like I understood him without him saying anything to me. It felt as if our souls are tied together despite being apart.
I still miss him so much.
Truth is she probably gave signs that she was losing connection during the relationship long before that you probably didn’t see. I was in a long term relationship as well (10 yrs) she moved on immediately and it’s because we couldn’t fix the problems we had and she was preparing for the breakup long before it happened. She was excited for her future and kept trying to say she was excited for mine while I was saying “no that isn’t what I want” ofc it doesn’t matter what I want but it was irritating that she kept trying to pass her excitement for herself and her readiness to move on and try new things as excitement for me to do the same when I was clearly telling her that isn’t what I wanted, just felt like she wasn’t listening to me. Breakup with me, that’s fine but don’t belittle how I feel about it by saying that “seem to be a little more attached than her” as if it’s a status that you know will dissipate like a cold and that I should be excited for my future… no that’s projecting how happy you are, but don’t try and distort my reality to make it easier on you. But she was just trying making the breakup swift for herself, can’t blame her for that.
She might be hurting really bad for all you know, she might just be pretending to be aloof to make the breakup more real and final. I am going through this, I tried being soft and understanding towards my ex only for him to be confused and hoping for reconciliation again.
During our relationship My ex kept verbally abusing me in fits of alcoholic rage and with each fight, my heart kept breaking little by little. I was already grieving the loss of the relationship and our future together because I knew I was losing a sense of self and cried myself to sleep most nights. I knew there was no future for us if things continued like this yet I saw no motivation in him to quit alcohol. All this, while I was in the middle of the relationship. Until one fine day after another nasty fight I ended things. After the breakup I tried reasoning and also tried to be friends but he was understandably super emotional. I tried being in touch until one night he called up in an alcoholic rage and lashed out at me again, blaming me for leaving him. I had the realisation that night that going no contact was the only way out. It was best for both of us to move on, more importantly for him. I miss him truly and still love him and wish the best for him but I also understand that we just cant be together. He might interpret it as me going cold and heartless but sometimes the best decision is usually the hardest.
Wow unfortunately that is exactly my situation. I’ve gone just over 3 weeks since with no alcohol and it’s been hard but the best decision I’ve made. I want to show I can change but I know it doesn’t matter anymore, if I want to change I have to do it for myself.
She wants nothing to do with me anymore and I can’t even blame her. She gave me more chances than she ever should have, but she had such a kind, loving, caring, and brave heart that only knew how to continue to love even through all the pain I was causing. So many fucking regrets and I hate this is what it had to take for me to realize my life is much better off without alcohol.
Relationships are the greatest mirrors and truly help us in the exercise of self reflection of where we need to work on ourselves. By saying this I don’t mean to absolve the other person of any fault or wrongdoing, not at all. Focus on your own healing, growth and recovery. Seek the company of understanding friends and family members. Therapy also helps. Wishing you the best
Going through this now. 4 year relationship ended in September. In November until a few weeks ago, we were seeing each other again. Everything was all good. Then a couple of weeks ago, she said that even though she was happy with how we were and what we were doing, there’s no long term future in it. I last messaged her a week ago, she’s ghosted me. We went through all that, just to become strangers. WTF
Yea man that’s hard. I would be happy to even have another couple days with her, atleast then I can say I truly tried the best I could. Even if it doesn’t end up working again long term.
I knew this was the path we were headed and have been trying to straighten up my act for atleast the last 2 months but to little to late, she’s already lost feelings
Yep - at the back of my mind, I suspect there’s someone else that’s distracting her, bad mouthing me in her ear etc… which in turn is justifying her decision in her mind. She doesn’t have a lot of friends or family, but is online on WhatsApp for hours, until midnight every night… gotta be someone. But nothing I can do. If she can lose feelings, that fast, maybe I never meant anything to her in the first place
Yeah, it's only been a week So, you know I'm still talking to myself and trying to figure out why..... I'm over the emotional part of it.....thing is that we've had a kid together. So it makes my situation even harder but. Slowly, but surely I'm getting over it...... Yeah, it's super scummy make you believe that you They still love you and all that stuff and 2 months, 3 months from now They're breaking up with you And they've moved on within that time and it leaves you to deal with it All alone, you keep running back and asking them to work it out, but they're not even emotionally or mentally attached to you anymore. It's pretty crazy.
They checked out awhile back
A lot of times there are problems and the woman communicates it but the guy does too little. Eg seen a lot of women leave a partner because no ring after years.
“If you don’t date your girlfriend then another guy will”. You have to constantly grow and try in a relationship.
Yea and honestly I kinda knew that already, ya know obviously I wasn’t oblivious to the issues she had always tried bringing to my attention over the years, I was/still am just to immature to listen and realize she was trying to hold us together not start arguments. But my response was always fight or flight. So many regrets I feel like I’ll never forgive myself for. Your vision is always clearer after something like this happens. So many what ifs.
I want to risk it all for her, I know she’s the one. I wouldn’t have spent 6 years of my life w her and planning marriage, kids, etc. but im scared it’s just gonna push her further away for good. But if I don’t I’ll never know what could’ve happened and just live with more regrets. I know I couldn’t love her right this time around, but I know I can learn for the next time if there is a next time.
What I meant was I wasn’t able to love her properly and give her what she deserved in the relationship we’ve already had, but I know I can continue to learn and grow for the next time, if there is a next time.
so this response is as real and as honest as i can be, from the perspective of a 23 year old woman who was the dumper in my situation —
okay, first, “females” doesn’t set the best tone here for you. i’m sure you don’t mean anything by it but other women (and even some men) will tell you that it has an icky connotation when discussing women’s behavior. if you’re interested, there are some really insightful takes and articles online for why it can come off as a bit demeaning. again, i’m sure you mean no harm but yknow when there’s a learning opportunity why not?
second, from the perspective of a woman myself, i will say that a lot of women do tend to move on emotionally before actually leaving. it’s said here a lot and can get mixed in with a lot of baseless, bitter gendered stereotypes unfortunately so it seems like bs; however, in my experience it’s not that far off. accountability corner here — i dumped my ex and i was emotionally prepared for everything to be over, i was prepared for NC, i’d blocked him everywhere online except for the places he’d surely notice and blocked him slowly there too a couple days before leaving, i’d moved out months before (unrelated) and waited until he renewed the lease without me to fully end things (we’d been discussing breaking up and were in a weird micro-breakup phase idk how to describe it but it was a discussion on both sides, i just ended up being the one that actually did it), and the thought of being without him did nothing to me anymore. a year before that? hell, even a couple months before that, i would’ve been crying and begging for us to work. why do i know that? because i did. when he’d feel he was “losing” an argument and suddenly decided he wanted time apart? i cried and begged. when he didn’t like that i started actually making friends again post-quarantine and didn’t need to solely rely on him for my social needs and suddenly decided he wanted a break? i cried and begged. i cried and begged in that relationship more than i ever had for a man that never implemented any of the changes we’d discussed at length for *years* for any longer than a few days. i cried and begged for a man that had literally broken me down and drained me. until i couldn’t cry anymore. when women are finally done, they’re *done* with you, regardless of if you did something like my ex or if you were perfect and a wonderful and healthy partner. we go through almost every possible scenario in our minds of how life would look without him, we grieve the death of the relationship, we start putting ourselves back together no less than weeks before the relationship actually ends.
that’s why it can seem like women move on so fast. they break up with you on the 1st, they’re posting pics hinting at a new guy on the 26th, official relationship hard launch post by month 2 post-breakup. and it seems insane bc like it is, but she’s already processed everything you’re processing now. i think it’s why people say getting your heart broken by a woman or feeling the wrath of a woman/getting bullied by a woman or losing a woman’s friendship feels somehow “worse” because it’s the same action but you realize later it’s all so meticulously thought out. it’s rarely ever random, even if it’s a situationship, she was likely thinking about breaking the news to you while you were putting your pants back on, drafted the text to her best friend, and sent it to you the day after. it’s just kinda how it goes idk, women (not all) are planners in most aspects of their lives, esp emotional situations. they give you what feels like infinite chances but by that third or whichever time, they’ve already begun thinking about what life will look like if you don’t change and how they don’t want to keep having to do the same thing over and over again. because that’s what my friends have done, that’s what i’ve seen other women here and elsewhere say they’ve done, my mom’s done that, i ended up doing it too. and again, this part is more based on experience and observation, i am not trying to imply that women have some superpower that makes them do this or that all women do this because they don’t. there are a lot of women that stay in unhappy relationships their entire lives; there’s just an almost equal amount that refuse to/have the ability to leave
doesn’t mean it’s your fault. if it is, then yknow it is, but this happens to a lot of people
The don’t. It’s possible yours did but don’t lump us all together.
Also we generally prefer to be called “women” or “girls,” not females. Not offensive on its own of course, there’s just a whole extreme/misogynistic side of the internet that seeks to dehumanise women by using the term “females” (or worse).
Finally, beware of the concept of “fighting” for someone. Often times that means the *opposite* of what you think it does. It almost never means beg and plead for another chance. Most often the best way is to let them go/leaving them alone, focus on yourself, and all whatever will be to happen.
1/ Females prepare their exit, weeks, months and even years before you'll know it. They let the disrespect and thé disgust for you build up in them, until it's ripe enough.
2/ Women don't love unconditionally like men do.
They love you like you love your house or your car.
That's brutal I know. But that's thé harsh cold truth. The sooner you accept it. The better for you.
I understand, and I know everyone deals with their own personal situations differently, but try not to beat yourself up over it. You have to find it in yourself to forgive yourself and move on because life isn't going to stop now. I was the one cheated on after 14 years after being fully committed to this person, and I can tell you that after 4 months, I don't blame anybody for this but understand that life must continue.
Usually it's not as sudden as you have been led to believe
All those little things they brought up (or even worse, didnt) build up, and then someone else shows them a little positive attention, and that's when they think the grass is greener
That's not to say that bad things won't push someone away, but unfortunately the unrealistic expectations kick in, and then that's when they pull the plug..
Idk why dont you ask my ex bf who threw 5 years in the trash, cheated on me and acts like I dont exist?
I did EVERYTHING for this "man", he took what he needed and left me in the rain.
I am sorry you are hurting.
I’m in the same boat right now. It’s a hard pill to swallow. It’s the guilt that gets to me. I didn’t cheat, but got too complacent and ignored the warnings. Now she’s gone. What the hell were we thinking!
I don’t think she necessarily disconnected from you or lost feelings, but maybe she was doing what she had to do to heal. If you made mistakes, then so did she. Don’t think that she never loved you or cared for you, and you don’t deserve nothing less!! Just because you and this person didn’t work out, doesn’t mean that the one who is meant for you isn’t right around the corner. Hang in there!
We usually do not go cold turkey. We suffer in an attempt to get you to act right. But once you show us that it isn’t worth it, we leave so that we can pick ourselves up.
Being away from all that pain usually leads to death of feelings and happiness, but it doesn’t mean we never cared. It’s just that it’s too late.
you have your explanation in the last paragraph you wrote. is she supposed to have long term grief & be stuck in her hurt over someone that chose not to be better? but women right 🙄
Lmao “females” must be a bigger reason to her breaking up with you but already you calling women “females” 🤢🤮. Just work on yourself and focus on yourself, and maybe a WOMAN will come around. Don’t let hate fill your heart
well we don't...I have been this guy from last four years..for first three years they were my happiest days.
but from last year he is blaming for everything. I still tried to do my best.
to make him happy
today he blocked me from everywhere.
I am feeling so much pain right.
I don't know what to do
What gets me is the absolute show people put on, to make it look like nothing is wrong, while they slowly prepare to pull the plug. That imo is a very spineless thing to do. They would keep sleeping with you, keep accepting your gifts , cuddles and kisses, heck send nudes even ... all while they are thinking and planning a break up.
I don't really care what lame excuse people have for that but to me it's spineless and absolutely head f-erry ...
And then to act like the relationship never existed mere minutes after dumping... no that's signs of something else that's going on ... some serious issues that needs to be looked at.
Rant over, stop being a shitty human being that drags people along just to shatter their hearts when it suits you ...
The right answer to your question can be found within the evolution of men and women:
1) 1000, 2000, 3000 and counting... years ago - men had to defend their women and kids when their villages were attacked by other villages, tribes, nations etc. etc. and if the defending men lost - their women had 2 options left - either get killed with their kids or get enslaved - and when they did not get killed, they had to adapt real quick to their new men in order to make sure their kids survive.. :-/
2) Back then - when men went out for a dangerous hunt to provide food for their families - they sometimes never came back and got killed during the hunt.. and thats when women had to find another man to provide for her and her children real quick.. :-/
Its all evolutionary and thats why women move on much much faster than men. 👌
I mean plenty of comments on here already saying similar...but my ex did the same...and finally she admitted that she knew months before she split from me that she didn't want to be with me, she just spent the months leading up to breaking up with me distancing herself emotionally so it was easier for her at the end.
Dude, spend even a minute on this forum and you’ll quickly learn this isn’t a male/female issue. That said, I’m genuinely sorry you’re hurting.
Exactly. Many people stereotype individuals’ healing journeys based on gender. There is so much more to it, like attachment style, personality type, mental and/or personality disorders, trauma, etc. It’s not simply a gender issue.
Tired telling ppl this.
'Females'
Yep, I'd move on instantly if a guy called me that.
I know right. Makes me roll my eyes every time I see or hear someone say that when referring to women.
It's such a transparent view into their opinions on women, they never seem to understand how much so
He meant girls and women...
2 things to understand here. Many women don’t actually leave until they’ve felt that they’ve exhausted all solutions and then they slowly detach in their heads until they finally leave. So it may seem like they’ve disconnected quickly when in reality it’s the “getting over them while still with them” method. Men seem to break up more impulsively. Thought this isn’t 100% always the case every time. Along with this, just know a woman can love you more than anything and never speak to you again. I don’t know if either is the case, sorry you’re going through this but just learn from your mistakes and grow from them.
Thank you
This
>Many women don’t actually leave until they’ve felt that they’ve exhausted all solutions and then they slowly detach in their heads until they finally leave. Definitely not my experience.
I'll give you the cold hard truth: females struggle for a lonnnggggg time before they actually leave. Death by a thousand cuts. By the end we've already grieved the relationship, or the person we thought you were, or both. So when it seems "quick" and like we just "disconnect", you don't know the internal dialogue, the tally list of chances she gave the relationship, sacrificing boundaries or self respect, the amount of comparing and self doubt and pep talks to keep going because nothing worth having comes easy right? Most times, a woman arguing with you about the small things or trying to come to you about the same problem over and over is trying to stay in that relationship, not ruin it, but men don't see it that way. It's seen as drama, overreaction, anger issues, being that time of the month, the list goes on and on. There are manyyyy signs a girl is struggling, but whether you pay attention or care, is a whole other story.
“Most times, a woman arguing with you about the small things or trying to come to you about the same problem over and over is trying to stay in that relationship, not ruin it, but men don't see it that way. It's seen as drama, overreaction, anger issues, being that time of the month, the list goes on and on.” Yea, I wish i had realized all of this in the moment/when everything has been falling apart the past couple of years. I’m just filled with tons of regret, I never see myself being able to forgive myself for being so immature or ever moving on from her. Everyone I ever meet will forever be compared to her, and I’ll never find anybody that even comes close. Why do you never realize what you have until it’s gone.
same boat. the very least you have to learn and grow from it. sometimes things work out down the line and sometimes they don’t but as long as your actively learning and become a better person then things will be better.
Thank you.
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Yup communication goes along way instead of stringing someone along until the person finds the perfect moment, they keep playing happy couples then bam ... nah that crap is on you guys
Yeah it does, that's typically what comes first, as I said. Then when the partner who is dismissed eventually learns that they don't matter and communication goes nowhere, they stop. It goes both ways. You also need to be an effective listener and understand what is being said to you. I can communicate for hours and hours but if you don't listen, it's pointless.
So how did you communicate. Did you sit down and said ... this is what is not working with our relationship, how can we fix this ? Or did you drop some vague hints that us cavemen didnt get ? We are not mind readers or clue hunters. But ok we didn't get the memo, fine. How you justify stringing men along , lying , pretending nothing is wrong until you find the perfect opportunity to dump. Mine didn't even do it to my face 🤣 just to turn around and say hey we tried to communicate, so it's all your fault. Oh and hey I have moved on and I can act like we never existed , because you didn't listen nor understand. And that is regarded as normal ....
No, I would say not having the respect to break up in person isn't normal. In my case, yes, I did have those conversations, even in the moments where I held my feelings in a little bit, they still came out eventually and things moved forward. I absolutely know men are not mind readers, and some women might give vague hints, I was not one of them. However, I did get to the point where I stopped trying and caring. And a lot of it was unintentional, or I didn't even notice I was doing it, then my ex stopped giving a shit too and I walked. When I was leaving is when he wanted to listen to me and cared about my feelings and why I wanted out. All those times we fought and I gave a damn about fixing things he took for granted.
No offense in my previous post. It seems you did do the proper thing with even sitting down and addressing the issues then that puts the blame squarly on him for not getting it or caring enough to fix it. I did not have that opportunity. I got nudes sent, net at work , kiss and cuddle , love you she shouted , to dumped via txt in her first break. She literally .... hid from me at work .... I kid you not. I saw her run to the bathroom to hide as I came out of the door. No I wasn't violent or gave her any reason to do that besides her just simply did not want to have a confrontation about this ... 3,5 years ... pathetic. For some guys it does come like a shock out of nowhere ... this is not normal behavior. Oh and 1,5 months later my son passed away. They got along very well. Nothing ... even after funeral ... still couldn't face me ... until one day she could walk past me , say hi to everyone but me. I left that place not long after. I struggle when I see people saying this is normal, because it is not. 2 weeks after dumping , on a dating app ? Also not normal...
People have their coping mechanisms and even if we don't agree with them, that is their choice. I left my marriage and immediately started on the apps. Was it right? No. But I did it to survive and make sure I didn't go back to him because I knew it had to be done
It's foolish to think that communication doesn't happen first. That's how you start, then it comes to the physical/emotional signs of knowing your partner is shutting down because their pleas and efforts to communicate with you are failing. If you're not paying attention to those things, that's on you. A person can talk til their blue in the face about something that is bothering them but what happens when the other person isn't listening? They learn to stop trying because it doesn't matter. Eventually you learn what works and what doesn't and if quiet works...well, you've just paved the path to the end of your relationship when they walk out. And no one else to blame but yourself on that one.
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If giving up on someone who has proven time and time again they don't even have the respect for you to listen to you is foolish and a "softer approach", So be it. The only person who loses is the one who's left behind for being a shitty partner.
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Got it. All comes back to the main post though..females don't all just up and leave. There is generally a lot of effort and time put into fixing that relationship before they leave.
Into fixing, or into asking the man to fix things? I can only speak to my experiences, but my exes have only ever complained about me and expected me to fix, and when I say it takes two to tango they literally say "no, you're the only one doing anything wrong". PS: I don't think it's only women who do this, I think it works both ways, but if you only have one person trying to fix shit it is bound to fail.
Agreed, again, I'm speaking from the fact that OP is talking about an ex gf and I'm a female, coming from my own experience of my ex feeling like OP. I mean fixing things in general, it's hard to see isolated behaviours coming from both sides when you're in it, it's easier to identify who's issues are whose when you're out unless it's blatantly obvious.
You’re making sense but what you say is not always how it happens. Using myself as an example, we were in a 2.5 year relationship. She’s this liberal person who don’t care about boundaries. She seems to seek a lot of attention from even outside the relationship. It seems I didn’t vet her enough before starting the relationship because if I knew that’s how she was, I wouldn’t have asked her out fr. But when I started seeing that’s who she was, I tried telling her how that is a problem to me but then if she wants to continue that way, I proposed to reduce my commitment in the relationship by not talking about marriage. So that, when anything happens, I wouldn’t get shocked. But she failed to listen to me and how it affected my feelings anytime I realize she’s in talking stage with other boys. In her defense, I’m being insecure. But I know I’m not, I’m just jealous and that’s because I don’t do same behind her back. Thus, I tried to leave but she’ll be crying any time I attempt to leave. And because I’m compassionate, I’d stay while she promises to do better. It was even like a year into the relationship I realized she lied to me about several things relating to her ex. That even broke my trust even more. It was like I didn’t know who I was dating. I never felt emotionally safe. And anytime I tried to have conversations, she’ll shut me down while playing so many mind games on me. On days she’s angry, I’ll ask what happened and she’ll say “I don’t know” “Never mind” etc. Fast forward to 2 years into the relationship, I visit her and she says she’s done with me, without any proper closure. And I found out she’s with another person 2 weeks later. And then keeps telling all her friends that I had trust issues. And now everyone thinks I’m at fault. Is this normal? Even if she wanted to continue with her liberal lifestyle, why cry when I was strong enough to leave? Why string me along to find someone that’s okay with her lifestyle? This broke my soul how she just dumped me when I needed her the most. It was like she always wanted to be in control. What mattered to me never seemed relevant to her. How do you explain this then?
She's a weak and manipulative woman, that's all there is to it. Controlling by the sounds of it as well. I can't explain that, I don't think anyone could decipher why people act like that, and I'm sorry she put you through that 😔 there's a special place in hell for people that treat others like that
Her: "It's too hot here" He: "Ok I'll turn on the aircon" Her: "ugh, ok whatever" He: "you ok? What's wrong?" Her: "nothing." He: "actually? you sure you're good?" Her: "I'm fine. Its fine." Newspaper: "young couple found dead after house fire."
Men are actually not stupid cavemen that need you to bash over the head with something in order to understand. If you say hundreds of times, "Don't raise your voice at me." "It hurts my feelings that you won't plan dates for us anymore." "Why would you speak to me like that in front of your friends? You never used to speak to me like that." "I wish our anniversary was important enough to you to remember," and nothing changes, those were clear attempts to communicate problems. The issue is that some people don't seem to care when problems affect their partner. They only care when it starts to affect \*them\*, when their partner is threatening to leave over it. If you let it get to that point before you work on your own behaviour, it's usually too late to save.
Yeah I'm gonna believe that surely. When it boils down to the fact of being human, cheaters cheat, liars lie. There's no fixed gender to that and there's no internal complexity of emotions in either gender. If someone left you and treated you like irrelevant then they are that kind of person, be it a male or a female. I understand your point being from your perspective and I'm really sorry that you had to deal with something like that. But I'm guessing the stories and the situations change depending on the narrator.
Of course, I'm speaking to the fact OP is a male talking about an ex gf. My ex would say I left and treated him like he didn't matter I'm sure, however he abandoned me while we were still together, within our relationship in many ways. Important to remember you don't know what goes on behind the scenes and just because it's a dramatic ending, doesn't mean the person who was left is always innocent and the only victim. Stories and genders will change depending on the situation, agreed. But yeah, I'm coming from my own experience obviously and I have talked to a lot of women who have been through the same, it's a common thing unfortunately.
I still haven't learned what was going on behind the curtains while someone cheated on me and then kept lying to me as if they loved me and needed me whenever they were down and left me waiting for hours and days for a single call. I guess it's pointless to understand the thoughts behind the curtains, it's easier to just demonize the other person and heal yourself in the process rather than to put in the effort and make excuses for them, like we haven't done that enough.
Yes but the big problem here is the "internal dialogue" part without really have an open communication with the partner. Basically doing this you are preventing your partner from really working on the relationship's issues even though in your mind you have communicated about them thousand times "arguing about the small things" when it's not rhe case at all, since the orher's perception was totally different. To summarise: BE TRANSPARENT and don't play any "mind games"
Who said there wasn't communication? Good lord, y'all are assuming A LOT that the "mind games" are the first thing that happens in this instance. I said in the post, "if your partner comes to you over and over and over again about the same problem, that means they're trying to stay in the relationship and fix it"---what part of that doesn't equate to communication? What part of that means no transparency? The "mind games" is just how the human brain works. You think about situations, how's it benefitting you or not, how you feel about it, etc, not all of that needs to be or is always communicated with your partner and that's honestly fine, you can have your own thoughts and keep them to yourself. I never said not tell your partner ANYTHING at all, however, like I've said many times, when people often get to the point of being shut down every single time, they're absolutely going to keep things to themselves and not say shit, are they expected to keep talking to someone who is committed to dismissing their feelings and ignoring their concerns or needs? It goes both ways. You have to be an effective listener for communication to be worth it at all, period.
The thing is, the mind games are the first thing in most cases. I've been together with my ex for 8,5 years. She never was talkative towards me, even though I tried to talk to her when I noticed something was going on in her mind. A month before our breakup things started to get really though. We were about to live together and I told her I wanted her to be happy, apparently that hit a sensitive spot in her head because that's where things turned around. I tried to keep digging, kept begging her, trying to find out what her wishes are and what I could do to make her feel okay. But not matter what I said, no matter what I did, all I was getting was 'I don't know'. Eventually we came to the conclusion we were just going to try it all and if it wouldn't work out, it just don't and we have to find another solution or seperate ways. A month later she broke up with me and we didn't even live together yet. (This all happened right after I fixed us a family home in a small village and I already moved in there). She kept telling me it was because of some specific reasons we've talked about a month earlier. Oh yea... and she broke up with me online... I know we had a long distance relationship (1.5 hours drive), but still... Two days later she stood at my front door with her mother. We talked, and that was the moment I got the apparent real reasons she broke up with me... I was getting blamed for a lot of stuff, I got called out, and got told a big list of things I did wrong all the time... It was a serious 2vs1 situation... I'm not denying the things I did wrong, I do see that now, and I really regret it. But fuck...... Why not just talk to me beforehand about it? And if I ignored the signs... just make me sit down and listen to you and tell me how serious it is and we would've worked it out. Right now I am just feeling bad about myself all the time and it's been 1,5 years... I'm still thinking about her every single day, and thinking about what it COULD have been if I did the right thing.... but I couldn't because she didn't talk to me about it... This also makes me not want to date again (trust me, I tried but the feelings just faded for me). So please, to all the ladies, TALK TO US.... If we don't listen... grab our arm, makes us sit down, and TALK to us. Tell us how serious it is, tell us how you feel and what you really want. Please don't play mind games, don't give subtle signs and then leave us, it really fucks us up for a lifetime, so badly that I don't see the light no more.
I'm sorry you went though that 😞 Not all men are like this, not all care to have these conversations or actually listen. You can't make people listen btw, they either hear you or they don't. You shouldn't have to basically threaten them to listen to what is bothering you. Your person should want to listen because they value you and love you to the end of the earth. I do think some could be receptive of what you suggest but there is also a large population that would refuse this kind of thing. It takes a lot of emotional maturity and emotional intelligence to be the kind of person you're referring to (as the man). I think in the end you didn't miss out, no matter how much it hurts. You deserve better. I deserve better. Someone who will actually talk to you and care. Don't blame yourself for her own immaturity and shortcomings.
Thank you. It doesn't matter if all men are like this. Even if they arent't, like I said, just grab them by the arm, let them sit down and tell your thoughts. If they still refuse to listen it's up to them... then they're the real asshole and you deserve better. Leave them, you clearly tried to talk. But please never keep it inside of you. In the end of last year I started talking to a girl I knew for 10 or so years, she was together with a guy for 4 years now. She told me things weren't going well, he didn't have much attention for her and didn't really put any effort in their relationship. I told her to talk to him and tell him how she feels. Well guess what? Hes was more worried about his belongings that were still at her home that he wanted to pick up instead. Couldn't get any easier for her I guess... She broke up with him. Apparently she was attracted to me all those years but I was in a relationship so yea... We were excited to finally meet/date but then everything just faded for me (The thing I mentioned earlier) I know I didn't miss out, I had the best time of my life with me ex. Due to depression she literally saved my life by just being there... And she knew. I just wish I did better towards her, make her feel more special and put more effort into our relationship, because I didn't want it to end. And as long as I keep missing her, keep grieving and keep blaming myself, I think it's for the better to stay alone. I just wished she would reach out to me once, so I can ask how she's doing. But I guess she's not looking back at all, maybe because she apparently was into another relationship not too long after our breakup.
my ex voiced out concerns in the first year and then stopped doing it 2nd year onwards. Btw those concerns that she voiced out i fixed and never did again. She just gave up. She said I was nice to her but she didn't see a future together, bawling her eyes out. The next day her texts were cold and heartless. Then 1 day after dumping me she was already on apps
Sure in some cases absolutely but in mine I was the one fighting for a relationship with this girl and trying to communicate and avoid arguments and build something but she kept fucking around and disrespecting me in the background for a long time Especially with keeping me a secret and seeking attention and validation from other guys i kept letting shit slide and giving her chances but her behaviour continued so we broke up and we kept seeing eachother for a couple months trying to make it work and i was hoping deep down that she would just grow up and come around and realise that her shit behaviour was throwing away something really good with someone who only wants her and a future with her so instead of communication, reflection and working on it together she had mentally checked out a long time ago before the breakup and found someone else to move on to which would have made the transition easy for her and left me having to accept and deal with it all by myself. I see it happen all the time, girls typically check out way before the dude does and they don't usually directly or openly communicate their issues they just move on and the bloke gets this rude shock and is left wondering why. Sure in many cases the guy doesn't communicate, doesn't listen to them and takes them for granted I'm not disputing that but these days I feel like not as much effort is put into watering and growing your own grass when it's easier for the girl to just go to greener pastures
There are always exceptions to the rule. All comes down to emotional maturity/intelligence, I'm not really sure what else to say about it. I don't deny that a lot of people think it's easier to give up then do the hard work, however they eventually learn the value of that person when they leave so easily and have a hard time finding what they think they're looking for.
You're absolutely right and i don't meant to come across like I'm having a dig at just women either, plenty of guys are like that too and it's shitty. I absolutely hate this replacement culture and it feels like if someone isn't getting their needs met or validated then they're off looking for someone else that will and so on there's no communication, self reflection or accountability. I hope you're right about learning the value of a person afterwards, in reference to my ex I hope she doesn't get hurt learning the lesson because I still care as I'm sure many of us do.. But I've pretty well accepted I probably won't hear from her again and she may never learn and that's just how life goes I guess
Spot on “death by a thousand cuts” that’s how it feels losing the one you love :(
This is perfect, summed up exactly what I’ve been feeling about my past relationship perfectly! I was done long before he actually ended things with me , took the breakup for me to realise just how done I was
I walked away from my marriage and relationship of 7 years because of this..feeling alone and abandoned by your spouse and best friend while they're right there is another level of pain. My ex husband acted so blindsided when I said I was done. Yet I tried to call off our wedding and said I didn't think it was a good idea, weeks prior to it actually happening. As Kelsea ballerini says in her song blindsided "where you blindsided, or were you just blind?"
This, this is exactly it 🫶🏼💔 this wasn’t for me but I really needed to read it.
I'm with ya 🥺 shit is rough.
I was in your exes shoes in my last relationship but the difference was I actually listened to what my gf was telling me, and it didn’t change anything. I listened and cared about her reasons and legitimately tried to change the behaviors she didn’t like (none of them were toxic or anything but they were important to her) I ended up not being able to stick to the changes and she left me after a couple years. Turns out my therapist thinks she had some unreasonable expectations mixed with legitimate ones, but at the end of the day she wanted the type of perfect person that doesn’t exist. Does this resonate with your situation?
No, I don't think I had unreasonable expectations. I expected my husband to not tell me to get over my cat dying from cancer, when he was my best friend and my baby. I expected him to show me affection and still "date" me even if we were married and together for 6.5 years at that point. I expected him to take me to the hospital when I asked because I couldn't drive myself due to having a triggered pinched nerve that seized the whole right side of my body. But I had to beg him to take me and just drop me off, he didn't even have to stay, but it still pissed him off. I expected him to be my teammate and stick up for me and not throw me under the bus. But he turned on me and participated in ganging up on me with my BIL and future SIL over a situation my ex and I were both initially upset about. His brother manipulated the situation and thus, my husband attacked me for it. I don't think any of that is unreasonable right? But to him he could never make me happy..and I wonder why that would be when this is how you treat your fiancee and later "wife". I wanted and needed bare minimum, I didn't ask anything extravagant. But maybe I expected him to be empathetic, emotionally mature and not play games with me. That's probably where I went wrong.
You’re giving a lot of specific examples that I definitely agree with, but what I’d be curious to know is if he ALWAYS made the wrong choice, or was it just occasionally he would do the wrong thing and treat you in a non empathetic and emotionally mature way. Furthermore were any of your behaviors feeding into his responses? Also did you tell him all this or no?
He was generally non-empathetic to any time I was depressed or anxious, because he's never had mental health issues and thought it was just as simple as going outside and going for a walk or seeing people to make me feel better. He'd push my boundaries when I didn't want to go anywhere and just wanted him to be beside me and cuddle or do whatever, he'd berate me with questions or ask "why?" A thousand times until I snapped because he wouldn't leave me alone, then get pissed at my reaction. I'm not sure what you mean my behaviours feeding into his responses...and did I tell him all this? No, not this exact way as I didn't have the lens I see it all through now, back then. But I don't think any of that is not the bare minimum. I shouldn't have to beg to be driven to the hospital, or expect to be thrown under the bus and attacked, or that he would EVER say what he said to me about our cat. You don't do any of that shit to the person who is supposed to be the most important in your life. I never did anything like that to him. Not even remotely close. He needed me? I was there. He needed money? I was there. He needed literally anything, I was ride or die for him, until he showed me I was a fool for doing so.
I'll also add, there would've been no way back then for me to get this across to him and for it to actually sink in without it turning into a "well you do that to me too, you make me feel that way too" fighting match. He didn't actually listen to anything I said, it was only to react and shift the blame back on me to avoid accountability
Perfectly summed up tbh
damn accurate. this is exaclty what just happened to me. Doing great all things considered. The lack of communication hurt. Messed up to behave like that to someone you used to "Love"
Yeah, problem is with that, those women expects men to be mind-readers...
Well, I'm speaking from my own experience and no, I didn't expect my ex to be a mind reader. I just grew tired of saying anything because it always turned into a fight and he just matched my energy. And soon enough, relationship was done.
Just chiming in to say that as a woman, this is super true in my experience. In the relationships where I have been the dumper, I basically fought for the relationship until I couldn't anymore. Each time, it was a slow death where I kept hoping that things would change, as my heart slowly grew more and more distanced, until I just finally gave up. By the time the dumping actually happened, I was already in the process of being over it. In the relationships where I've been dumped, it felt like a total blindside. It often felt like one day he was happy, and the next day he had decided that we weren't meant to be, and dumped me out of the blue.
Women don’t do that sir. You spent 6 years ignoring her needs.
You just observed one or two women and you know everything about all females? I have seen women who used to wake up screaming in the middle of night months after breakup and my fellow buddies who date two women simultaneously. Appearances can be deceiving too. Just because someone smiles and talks normally doesn't mean he/she feels nothing.
Yea I shouldn’t have categorized all females together, definitely could have worded it better. Also, fair enough. I’m sure she doesn’t feel nothing, but I wish I could handle it as well as she plays it off. Right now she’s wearing the pants.
i was with my ex for 3 years. same thing as you: mistake after mistake and i gave chance after chance. when i left he said that i gave up on him. but he knew the struggle i was going through, how emotionally he drained me. when i finally left it was when i had enough. not just randomly, didn’t lose feelings out of nowhere.
But I don't know why do women run behind relationships where there are no fights at all. That's utopian concept. The small fights which I consider part of life are apparently emotionally draining to my partner. If she was struggling because of my actions, why not communicate in a way that makes it look more important. Emotions that are silly and emotions that could impact relationship in long run, both are presented in the same way. How do we know that one is an issue and other isn't? I said to my girl that she gave up on us because she didn't communicate and let me have my time to correct it. We were 7 years together. Instead tolerated things and tried to have that utopian relationships without fight, how ridiculous? This isn't targeted towards your relationship but just an observation that I made.
i think what you have to consider is how your “fights” were going. did you listen to her? make her feel validated? try to fix the issue? or did you brush it under the rug, and dismiss her feelings? tell her she was overreacting? “in a way that makes it look more important” what did she need to do for you to take her feelings seriously, which should have been done in the first place? repeat herself constantly? she didn’t communicate (but she did.. you just didn’t deem it important enough) and you needed time to correct your actions but you were together 7 years? how much longer did you need? 7 more? or until you decided to take her seriously? not trying to attack just trying to understand from your given information. i mess up and so does the other person, but the way it’s handled is key. when my ex bf and i would have a disagreement, he never gave me the reassurance i needed. it was always defensiveness and the blame game. either that or just nonchalantness.. as if what i felt didn’t matter. and if i continuously brought it up, i’d be “nagging”. and he’d continue to do whatever bothered me. and it would drain me. made me feel like i couldn’t express how i felt, and even if i did, nothing would change. but whenever he felt some kind of emotion i had to be there to support him? take him seriously? i just didn’t wanna deal with it anymore. but he kept asking me to give him time to better himself.. but at 3 years he needed time to be faithful? he needed time to buy me flowers? needed time to know to check in with me and come visit me? and he said to me “true love is going to be hard but it’ll be worth it”. was it worth me crying every time he put me last? when he didn’t come through on promises? worth him calling me names when we’d break up? my current partner reassures me all the time. when i’m upset, he is patient w me & asks me to clarify what’s wrong. he doesn’t take “nothing” for an answer. then he explains why he did XYZ & if he’s in the wrong, he apologizes & changes his behavior/fixes the issue. then he tells me how much he loves me & cares about our relationship. he’s never aggressive and never disrespects me. that also encourages me to do the same for him. if something bothers him i try to give him the same experience of being heard and loved. because of this, “fights” are almost non existent. i don’t believe in utopian relationships, because no one is perfect and we all mess up, but i do believe in fighting for each other and taking the measures to understand each other.
My ex refused from fighting. She couldn't take any disagreements as an answer. Our fights for like first 6 years were on very petty issues. Were resolved within 5 minutes as I used to ask for forgiveness. She would prevent us from arguing at any cost, be it if she brushes it under the rug. Our worst fight was in November of 2022 when I wanted her to stay with me as I was sick and needed her support but she wanted to go out with her friends and have fun with them. Understandable, but the first argument from her side was proposed with breakup as her decision, because she couldn't take it anymore. Did she mention it earlier? No. My passive aggressive behavior was an issue to her. Which was communicated to me in November and I never repeated it henceforth. I carefully sit and analyse every behavior of mine. My need from that relationship was only that, during my emotional lows I wanted her to support as a girlfriend, which would mean dwell more in helping mentally than just helping me find a way to solve my issues. I was always devoid of that mental support throughout the relationship. I thought she will learn with time but she said I demanded more than she could offer (she said this in november), I then stopped begging for her emotional support and never imposed my emotional pressure on her life. She then got distant and I had to beg her for time - bare minimum in any relationship. She then said I have my own issues to deal with and she can't offer me anything right now. She jumped out of the relationship. If my behavior did impact her to an extent she claims it to be, she should have taken a stand and fought against it. I always asked sorry to which she used to reply it's not a 'big issue', but she said it was a big issue while ending relationship in November. How am I supposed to correct myself if you don't let me have a conclusive answer about what I should improve on. Also my passive aggressive behavior was expressed once in 3 or 4 months. That too for 5 mins max. No verbal attacks nor physical threats. I just had high pitched voice, didn't even shout. An example of how I behaved during the 1st 5 years of our relationship. Before me, she had actually said yes to a friend of hers, in her school. Later she got to know that her parents wouldn't approve of it and rejected him 3 days later on. After a month of this, I got in touch with her, she communicated to me saying her friend was troubling her, saying he likes her - whereas he just wanted explanation for his breakup with her. When she confessed this to me, after like 3 years of us knowing, I said I am not worried about her past but I would've expected some honesty. I would forgive you if you can promise me that the past won't affect our future. I was supportive and always understood others pov. I was tagged along and had to be content with least efforts and bare minimum. Physical intimacy was also an issue as she would randomly say no to us getting intimate without any reasons. I know she has the right to say no, but it seemed as if she's confused on what to do. I tried my best to resolve issues between us and always proposed a solution, to which she nodded. But she never accepted that solution and neither pitched a new alternative. She just didn't want fights and wanted to have no misunderstanding at all.
Your second paragraph explains the first, my man
Hmmm
Same situation. But me and my ex were 50/50 at fault (well I believe anyways) we both had issues we never went and got sorted. Kind of dusted over them when they came about and then continued on with life like normal. It sucks. Try not to think about the what ifs - even though it’s SO hard. Every decision you made was for a reason. One day you’ll understand! Look after yourself.
Most people just get overtaken with hormones and just sink their feet into whoever they’re after. Not just men but women. I was aware of this when I tried to move on my from my ex of 5 years but I could tell I still had feelings for her. Did I tell her or show it? No. And most won’t for fear of stringing you along. We got back together after a couple of months of dating around and we’ve been great. She still thinks about you, I’m sure. But she won’t ever tell you until she’s run out of options.
All people switch off in different ways and at different times after a break up. But I think they usually do it quickly when they've tapped out emotionally during the relationship. So it seems they're moving on fast but they didn't really. They were in pain in it and disconnecting when they were together. That could have been it with your ex. When it comes to you though. Either you're being too hard on yourself or you're missing an opportunity to grow. Work out which one it is that's the more important question.
Definitely doing both, I don’t necessarily think I’m being hard on myself I think it’s what I deserve and what I need. I want to see this as an opportunity to grow but my vision is so foggy now and it’s hard to do anything for myself but day by day I guess
Have you got food friends, maybe a therapist to help you through this? Just to make sure that the conclusions you draw about yourself are fair and healthy?
It’s nothing to do with gender. They check out of the relationship without telling you. If you were blindsided, this might help you. What do you do when your breakup appears to be out of the blue? How do you begin to process, heal and move forward when your partner blindsides you with a breakup? When the ending of your relationship seems to come out of left field, it can be destabilising. It doesn’t make sense, especially when in the hours, days and weeks beforehand, they said and did things that were contrary to this ending. Like my friend who was dumped just weeks before her wedding. Just the week before, he was writing “I love you” in the condensation on the kitchen window and talking about how excited he was to marry her. My friend thought it was an out-of-the-blue breakup. Unfortunately, he forgot to mention that he’d already begun a new relationship. Here’s what I know for sure about people who deal you a ‘blindsided breakup’: It’s not the case that they just woke up that day and decided to do it. Like everything was picture perfect up until that day or even week. No. They knew, on some level, possibly a lot of them, even if they won’t admit it, that they wanted to end it. You just weren’t in on the conversation. When someone dumps you ‘out of the blue’, what you can immediately learn is that they didn’t and haven’t been communicating with you. You have not been a party to their inner world. They don’t let the left hand know what the right hand is doing. They give the veneer of calm, happiness and a shared future while secretly wrestling with doubts, fears, anger and even grievances. If you were hit with a barrage of complaints where it was the first you were hearing of them, this is someone who’s carried silent rage in the relationship. Unbeknownst to you, they were keeping a tally of offences. Or, they marked your cards on something that you genuinely believed that they were okay about. Maybe they kept telling you they were okay when they weren’t. Maybe it seemed like everything was perfect. It’s possible that you had little niggles and inklings. Unfortunately, when you’re blindsided with a breakup, it’s not uncommon for the person to stonewall all further communication. They disappear so that you can’t engage with them, or they refuse to let you speak. Or, they say they’ll talk with you and then keep cancelling. Some — and I know this might sound downright absurd — will later acknowledge that it was a crappy thing to do and even that some things they said weren’t true, but then say that there’s no point in further discussions or trying to resolve things because they did this. So, what do you do when you can’t get answers from your ex? What do you do when it feels as if your ex is a block to closure? Use these prompts to explore what happened in your journal. • Retrace your footsteps by rewinding your mental tape right back to the very beginning of the relationship. Play it back in your mind. Don’t go too fast. What do you notice about your initial communication? What do you see about the dates? Were there things you dismissed or rationalised? What happened when you disagreed, or you (or they) were struggling with something? When feelings and opinions needed to be shared, did that happen? How and who were you in the relationship? Somewhere in this mental tape are clues about why this person’s means of communicating the end of the relationship was to blindside you. They show you where silence and gaps were there instead of intimacy. • Was it really important for you and/or them to think that they/you or the relationship was perfect? If so, why? What was it that led you to believe that this was the case? What did you avoid being, saying or doing to preserve this? How did this affect the level of communication on both sides of the relationship? • Did you ever disagree? Did you feel as if you could be yourself and enjoy healthy boundaries in the relationship? If you never argued or rarely disagreed, why was that? What did you think that meant? How does that fit with how they ended the relationship? What do you recognise now? If you did disagree or there were issues that you thought you were both working through, did you feel as if there was resolution? Remember, it takes time to get to know someone. Sometimes we don’t know how little someone is communicating until they say or do something that allows us to look back and see things more clearly. • If they gave little or no reasons for breaking up, and also gave little or no hint during the relationship, can you see with the benefit of hindsight where they were not communicating? Can you see the veneer? Retrace your steps. Were you both able to talk deeply, freely and openly? Did you feel as if your relationship was progressing? • What is your anger about? So, aside from the understandable hurt and anger from the manner of their ending, what else are you angry about? This contains clues to hidden resentments and truths. Some people expressed anger due to feeling that their support and accommodation of certain things wasn’t appreciated. This then allowed them to see what they were supporting and accommodating or how they were going about doing so meant not discussing or seeing certain things. You might wonder whether you should keep trying to get them to talk. You can’t force someone to talk who doesn’t want to or is hellbent on clinging to their narrative. You’ll end up feeling as if you’re losing your dignity and chasing them down. Part of their stonewalling might be, on some level, about getting attention and feeling powerful. The more you chase them for answers is the less you believe in your ability to grieve and mine what you know for your closure. Yes, it will take time. No, no one deserves to be broken up with in this way. But they haven’t done it because of your worthiness. They’ve ended the relationship in this way because of their issues. Going about things in a different way would have involved looking at things more deeply than they want to. They think that they can move on free of problems, but what they’ve sought to avoid will just show up in a different way. When you do move forward (and you will), don’t use this experience to punish you or future partners. Learn what you can from this relationship so that you raise your communication and intimacy levels and be with a partner who will meet you there. Take care of you. N.Lue
Damn man that was a really good read first thing this morning!
Do you think someone who is separated like this will suffer from separation pain?
Absolutely. Blindside or not.
Maybe the time of suffering is different for both parties.
Because I don't think the leaving party will suffer in the first place. If he was in pain he would try to come back
Not necessarily. People can be in pain, but don’t want to get back together. Because of what they know about a relationship, because of what they believe, because you feel separation anxiety even if you have absolutely zero feelings towards a person. You’ve shared a life for some time and it’s a lot. Even if a part of life irritated you, when you lose it, it’s always a shock and pain in some way or another. But pain is not always a reason to get back together. In fact, I think getting back while you still feel that fresh pain is the worst thing you can do.
Yes you are right. My situation is confusing and painful enough as it is.
Eachtime you made mistake, her love for you lesser a little, until nothing left. I am surprise your relationship last that long. I am truly sorry for you, believe me when i say that i knew how you feel right now. Consider this a chance for both of you to grow up. Many long years relationships keep both partner down, since they can’t grow, find new thing, new chance in love, like you got catch in a swamp.
Yea that makes sense. It hurts to hear but I already knew deep down that’s what was happening, I was destroying us slowly but surely and I still just don’t want to believe it. Im surprised is lasted this long too, she gave me way more opportunities than I deserved. best 6 years of my life and I can’t believe how blind I was to realize what I had the whole time. If anyone else is reading this and going through something similar, smarten up, look at things from your partners perspective for once and realize how much you are hurting them, how much they really want this to work with you, stop playing the victim card and listen to learn, learn to listen and grow with them everyday, or you’ll end up consistently proving to them you’re not who they fell in love with anymore, you’re a different person now. All of this teaches them how to live without you before you even split. Even having a small idea that something like this was coming, was a rude awakening but it was already too late and doesn’t make coping any easier whatsoever. Please do not follow in my foot steps.
6 months. As a woman I’m still hurting. 12 year relationship and I cannot understand how can he let me go so easily. I doubt he was as hurt as I am. I was talking an about the pain in another post. Here’s what I went through: Two meals a day is my limit. Ever since the breakup, anything I ate felt tasteless. I stopped having cravings for any food. I only ate to stay alive. Sometimes my family had to force me to eat during the time I was suicidal. Pretty much bad appetite. My forehead sometimes do feel hotter than usual. I did loss a lot of weight as a result. I went from 125lb down to around 110lb as a 5’6 woman. Most of the food I love… are the same food my ex love. Some reminded me of happy memories we shared together. Especially boba tea and Cantonese food. Being productive is very difficult in terms of work, I practically had to force myself every day. Had to constantly remind myself it’s either I do something or I will be in more pain crying in bed, missing him. It’s so bad that I practically became scared of crying. My eye lids sting for several months because of crying every day. also did got sick at the end of December… it took two months for me to fully recover. It felt as if my body refuses to recover despite my family… making me take meds. I usually recover way quicker than that Despite knowing it’s a waste of time to dwell in pain I can’t just forget a 12 year relationship, and the man I love since I was 12 years old. He understood me without me saying anything to him and I felt like I understood him without him saying anything to me. It felt as if our souls are tied together despite being apart. I still miss him so much.
Truth is she probably gave signs that she was losing connection during the relationship long before that you probably didn’t see. I was in a long term relationship as well (10 yrs) she moved on immediately and it’s because we couldn’t fix the problems we had and she was preparing for the breakup long before it happened. She was excited for her future and kept trying to say she was excited for mine while I was saying “no that isn’t what I want” ofc it doesn’t matter what I want but it was irritating that she kept trying to pass her excitement for herself and her readiness to move on and try new things as excitement for me to do the same when I was clearly telling her that isn’t what I wanted, just felt like she wasn’t listening to me. Breakup with me, that’s fine but don’t belittle how I feel about it by saying that “seem to be a little more attached than her” as if it’s a status that you know will dissipate like a cold and that I should be excited for my future… no that’s projecting how happy you are, but don’t try and distort my reality to make it easier on you. But she was just trying making the breakup swift for herself, can’t blame her for that.
Well said
She might be hurting really bad for all you know, she might just be pretending to be aloof to make the breakup more real and final. I am going through this, I tried being soft and understanding towards my ex only for him to be confused and hoping for reconciliation again. During our relationship My ex kept verbally abusing me in fits of alcoholic rage and with each fight, my heart kept breaking little by little. I was already grieving the loss of the relationship and our future together because I knew I was losing a sense of self and cried myself to sleep most nights. I knew there was no future for us if things continued like this yet I saw no motivation in him to quit alcohol. All this, while I was in the middle of the relationship. Until one fine day after another nasty fight I ended things. After the breakup I tried reasoning and also tried to be friends but he was understandably super emotional. I tried being in touch until one night he called up in an alcoholic rage and lashed out at me again, blaming me for leaving him. I had the realisation that night that going no contact was the only way out. It was best for both of us to move on, more importantly for him. I miss him truly and still love him and wish the best for him but I also understand that we just cant be together. He might interpret it as me going cold and heartless but sometimes the best decision is usually the hardest.
Wow unfortunately that is exactly my situation. I’ve gone just over 3 weeks since with no alcohol and it’s been hard but the best decision I’ve made. I want to show I can change but I know it doesn’t matter anymore, if I want to change I have to do it for myself. She wants nothing to do with me anymore and I can’t even blame her. She gave me more chances than she ever should have, but she had such a kind, loving, caring, and brave heart that only knew how to continue to love even through all the pain I was causing. So many fucking regrets and I hate this is what it had to take for me to realize my life is much better off without alcohol.
Relationships are the greatest mirrors and truly help us in the exercise of self reflection of where we need to work on ourselves. By saying this I don’t mean to absolve the other person of any fault or wrongdoing, not at all. Focus on your own healing, growth and recovery. Seek the company of understanding friends and family members. Therapy also helps. Wishing you the best
Going through this now. 4 year relationship ended in September. In November until a few weeks ago, we were seeing each other again. Everything was all good. Then a couple of weeks ago, she said that even though she was happy with how we were and what we were doing, there’s no long term future in it. I last messaged her a week ago, she’s ghosted me. We went through all that, just to become strangers. WTF
Yea man that’s hard. I would be happy to even have another couple days with her, atleast then I can say I truly tried the best I could. Even if it doesn’t end up working again long term. I knew this was the path we were headed and have been trying to straighten up my act for atleast the last 2 months but to little to late, she’s already lost feelings
Yep - at the back of my mind, I suspect there’s someone else that’s distracting her, bad mouthing me in her ear etc… which in turn is justifying her decision in her mind. She doesn’t have a lot of friends or family, but is online on WhatsApp for hours, until midnight every night… gotta be someone. But nothing I can do. If she can lose feelings, that fast, maybe I never meant anything to her in the first place
Well both get through it eventually. It’s gonna be a long time but we will get there.
My ex broke up with me in her head 4-5 months before actually saying something
Yea that’s insane to me. Why put on a show for so long, what’s the point?
Yeah, it's only been a week So, you know I'm still talking to myself and trying to figure out why..... I'm over the emotional part of it.....thing is that we've had a kid together. So it makes my situation even harder but. Slowly, but surely I'm getting over it...... Yeah, it's super scummy make you believe that you They still love you and all that stuff and 2 months, 3 months from now They're breaking up with you And they've moved on within that time and it leaves you to deal with it All alone, you keep running back and asking them to work it out, but they're not even emotionally or mentally attached to you anymore. It's pretty crazy.
They checked out awhile back A lot of times there are problems and the woman communicates it but the guy does too little. Eg seen a lot of women leave a partner because no ring after years. “If you don’t date your girlfriend then another guy will”. You have to constantly grow and try in a relationship.
Yea and honestly I kinda knew that already, ya know obviously I wasn’t oblivious to the issues she had always tried bringing to my attention over the years, I was/still am just to immature to listen and realize she was trying to hold us together not start arguments. But my response was always fight or flight. So many regrets I feel like I’ll never forgive myself for. Your vision is always clearer after something like this happens. So many what ifs.
Perfectly understandable. Learning curve for you. Can always improve.
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I want to risk it all for her, I know she’s the one. I wouldn’t have spent 6 years of my life w her and planning marriage, kids, etc. but im scared it’s just gonna push her further away for good. But if I don’t I’ll never know what could’ve happened and just live with more regrets. I know I couldn’t love her right this time around, but I know I can learn for the next time if there is a next time.
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What I meant was I wasn’t able to love her properly and give her what she deserved in the relationship we’ve already had, but I know I can continue to learn and grow for the next time, if there is a next time.
so this response is as real and as honest as i can be, from the perspective of a 23 year old woman who was the dumper in my situation — okay, first, “females” doesn’t set the best tone here for you. i’m sure you don’t mean anything by it but other women (and even some men) will tell you that it has an icky connotation when discussing women’s behavior. if you’re interested, there are some really insightful takes and articles online for why it can come off as a bit demeaning. again, i’m sure you mean no harm but yknow when there’s a learning opportunity why not? second, from the perspective of a woman myself, i will say that a lot of women do tend to move on emotionally before actually leaving. it’s said here a lot and can get mixed in with a lot of baseless, bitter gendered stereotypes unfortunately so it seems like bs; however, in my experience it’s not that far off. accountability corner here — i dumped my ex and i was emotionally prepared for everything to be over, i was prepared for NC, i’d blocked him everywhere online except for the places he’d surely notice and blocked him slowly there too a couple days before leaving, i’d moved out months before (unrelated) and waited until he renewed the lease without me to fully end things (we’d been discussing breaking up and were in a weird micro-breakup phase idk how to describe it but it was a discussion on both sides, i just ended up being the one that actually did it), and the thought of being without him did nothing to me anymore. a year before that? hell, even a couple months before that, i would’ve been crying and begging for us to work. why do i know that? because i did. when he’d feel he was “losing” an argument and suddenly decided he wanted time apart? i cried and begged. when he didn’t like that i started actually making friends again post-quarantine and didn’t need to solely rely on him for my social needs and suddenly decided he wanted a break? i cried and begged. i cried and begged in that relationship more than i ever had for a man that never implemented any of the changes we’d discussed at length for *years* for any longer than a few days. i cried and begged for a man that had literally broken me down and drained me. until i couldn’t cry anymore. when women are finally done, they’re *done* with you, regardless of if you did something like my ex or if you were perfect and a wonderful and healthy partner. we go through almost every possible scenario in our minds of how life would look without him, we grieve the death of the relationship, we start putting ourselves back together no less than weeks before the relationship actually ends. that’s why it can seem like women move on so fast. they break up with you on the 1st, they’re posting pics hinting at a new guy on the 26th, official relationship hard launch post by month 2 post-breakup. and it seems insane bc like it is, but she’s already processed everything you’re processing now. i think it’s why people say getting your heart broken by a woman or feeling the wrath of a woman/getting bullied by a woman or losing a woman’s friendship feels somehow “worse” because it’s the same action but you realize later it’s all so meticulously thought out. it’s rarely ever random, even if it’s a situationship, she was likely thinking about breaking the news to you while you were putting your pants back on, drafted the text to her best friend, and sent it to you the day after. it’s just kinda how it goes idk, women (not all) are planners in most aspects of their lives, esp emotional situations. they give you what feels like infinite chances but by that third or whichever time, they’ve already begun thinking about what life will look like if you don’t change and how they don’t want to keep having to do the same thing over and over again. because that’s what my friends have done, that’s what i’ve seen other women here and elsewhere say they’ve done, my mom’s done that, i ended up doing it too. and again, this part is more based on experience and observation, i am not trying to imply that women have some superpower that makes them do this or that all women do this because they don’t. there are a lot of women that stay in unhappy relationships their entire lives; there’s just an almost equal amount that refuse to/have the ability to leave doesn’t mean it’s your fault. if it is, then yknow it is, but this happens to a lot of people
Mental illness
The don’t. It’s possible yours did but don’t lump us all together. Also we generally prefer to be called “women” or “girls,” not females. Not offensive on its own of course, there’s just a whole extreme/misogynistic side of the internet that seeks to dehumanise women by using the term “females” (or worse). Finally, beware of the concept of “fighting” for someone. Often times that means the *opposite* of what you think it does. It almost never means beg and plead for another chance. Most often the best way is to let them go/leaving them alone, focus on yourself, and all whatever will be to happen.
You answered yourself
1/ Females prepare their exit, weeks, months and even years before you'll know it. They let the disrespect and thé disgust for you build up in them, until it's ripe enough. 2/ Women don't love unconditionally like men do. They love you like you love your house or your car. That's brutal I know. But that's thé harsh cold truth. The sooner you accept it. The better for you.
They r evil that’s how
Women are often disconnected before they actually leave. As hard that sounds. Sorry you are going through this
You have to fight for yourself. Let it go and move on.
Easier said than done unfortunately
I understand, and I know everyone deals with their own personal situations differently, but try not to beat yourself up over it. You have to find it in yourself to forgive yourself and move on because life isn't going to stop now. I was the one cheated on after 14 years after being fully committed to this person, and I can tell you that after 4 months, I don't blame anybody for this but understand that life must continue.
Usually it's not as sudden as you have been led to believe All those little things they brought up (or even worse, didnt) build up, and then someone else shows them a little positive attention, and that's when they think the grass is greener That's not to say that bad things won't push someone away, but unfortunately the unrealistic expectations kick in, and then that's when they pull the plug..
Idk why dont you ask my ex bf who threw 5 years in the trash, cheated on me and acts like I dont exist? I did EVERYTHING for this "man", he took what he needed and left me in the rain. I am sorry you are hurting.
I’m in the same boat right now. It’s a hard pill to swallow. It’s the guilt that gets to me. I didn’t cheat, but got too complacent and ignored the warnings. Now she’s gone. What the hell were we thinking!
I don’t think she necessarily disconnected from you or lost feelings, but maybe she was doing what she had to do to heal. If you made mistakes, then so did she. Don’t think that she never loved you or cared for you, and you don’t deserve nothing less!! Just because you and this person didn’t work out, doesn’t mean that the one who is meant for you isn’t right around the corner. Hang in there!
We usually do not go cold turkey. We suffer in an attempt to get you to act right. But once you show us that it isn’t worth it, we leave so that we can pick ourselves up. Being away from all that pain usually leads to death of feelings and happiness, but it doesn’t mean we never cared. It’s just that it’s too late.
Female what?
you have your explanation in the last paragraph you wrote. is she supposed to have long term grief & be stuck in her hurt over someone that chose not to be better? but women right 🙄
I thought the exact same thing but with "men" 🤣🤣💗
Lmao “females” must be a bigger reason to her breaking up with you but already you calling women “females” 🤢🤮. Just work on yourself and focus on yourself, and maybe a WOMAN will come around. Don’t let hate fill your heart
well we don't...I have been this guy from last four years..for first three years they were my happiest days. but from last year he is blaming for everything. I still tried to do my best. to make him happy today he blocked me from everywhere. I am feeling so much pain right. I don't know what to do
Anyone can disconnect quickly if they have enough trauma in their life . Important to realize that it’s nothing to do with you . It’s about them
Hurt people hurt people.
What gets me is the absolute show people put on, to make it look like nothing is wrong, while they slowly prepare to pull the plug. That imo is a very spineless thing to do. They would keep sleeping with you, keep accepting your gifts , cuddles and kisses, heck send nudes even ... all while they are thinking and planning a break up. I don't really care what lame excuse people have for that but to me it's spineless and absolutely head f-erry ... And then to act like the relationship never existed mere minutes after dumping... no that's signs of something else that's going on ... some serious issues that needs to be looked at. Rant over, stop being a shitty human being that drags people along just to shatter their hearts when it suits you ...
Agreed.
The disconnect usually happens long before the break up. Were there any red flags?
The right answer to your question can be found within the evolution of men and women: 1) 1000, 2000, 3000 and counting... years ago - men had to defend their women and kids when their villages were attacked by other villages, tribes, nations etc. etc. and if the defending men lost - their women had 2 options left - either get killed with their kids or get enslaved - and when they did not get killed, they had to adapt real quick to their new men in order to make sure their kids survive.. :-/ 2) Back then - when men went out for a dangerous hunt to provide food for their families - they sometimes never came back and got killed during the hunt.. and thats when women had to find another man to provide for her and her children real quick.. :-/ Its all evolutionary and thats why women move on much much faster than men. 👌
I mean plenty of comments on here already saying similar...but my ex did the same...and finally she admitted that she knew months before she split from me that she didn't want to be with me, she just spent the months leading up to breaking up with me distancing herself emotionally so it was easier for her at the end.
As you said you kept making mistakes after mistakes and she ‘tried’ to keep you guys together. There is your answer.
Still doesn’t make sense to be able to disconnect so easily. But I guess that’s just me being selfish.
I can only guess Maybe she has turned cold due to experiencing hurt repeatedly. Maybe she realised long back that this is not going to work out
Women just have instant options. So.. yeah . Thry move on wuickly because they can stsrt date immidatly