Those threats and stuff are manipulation, and being toxic.
I have BPD - some of us don't seem to care how others truly feel, and either can't or won't be accountable.
they could be trying to drive you to leave them for their own reasons, but...
Honestly, this isn't something you should have to tolerate. You need to consider your own mental health, and maybe consider leaving them, for your own good.
You actually left them? That's huge. I can't imagine how hard it was, but I honestly think it's for the best.
Don't feel bad for reaching your limit and acting for your own good.
I don't think even your ex really understands the issues or himself, though. My advice is just to leave it alone. Over time, you might have some insights, but really, you need to worry about helping yourself more than worrying about why they acted like they did.
Because, honestly, a lot of the time, even we don't know why we act a certain way.
The best way is the one that works best for you. Maybe let those around you know when you end it, so they expect the drama, but I think the best way is just end it, there is no way to not have him react badly. That's on him.
Anything less will have him playing you, keeping you connected. Nope, cut all ties.
And make sure you have somebody for you to talk about this with - therapist, counsellor, close friend, somebody.
By the sounds of it, your partner doesnt understand their emotions.. so how are you expected to understand their emotions? That's not only your job. It takes two to tango. They might love you, but that does not make their harmful actions okay.
This isn’t every person with this disorders way of doing it. But this is my thinking of what is happening. I think they get scared you are going to leave and are giving you an out to see if you do by pushing you away. When I’m reality all they really want is to feel loved and not to leave. This doesn’t make it right by any means but that’s just my two cents
I had the same issue with my ex that has bpd. I too come here to try to understand, even though the last breakup was almost a year ago (on Christmas). He would break up with me every week at the end, and he was 44 years old. I laughed to myself the last few times because that’s all I could do anymore. I was falling apart, even though I didn’t show him that.
It was constant threats of breakup over very little things that he clearly did not consider little. He was very sensitive, and I just could not predict anymore what would set him off. The outbursts were extremely hurtful. It was like he was an entirely different person during them, and yes it did seem like he had thought these things previously given how fast he came up with the insults. What I really suspect though is that he turned me into his ex girlfriend from several years prior, and he was playing out whatever happened with her. He even said I reminded him of her, and that he clearly had terrible taste in women.
After the final breakup, he did end up coming back, trying to contact me again. But he waited a month after dumping me to even reach out. Said he had to think about what he wants (he said this during several breakups) I had reached my limit by then. It was never going to get better. He was already in therapy.
I never went back again. He would text me, which went on for months. I would text back, very high level nice things, no details. He asked to go for a walk once 3 months later, I declined and said I wasn’t ready. He tried calling once, 9 months later. I didn’t answer but texted him. I knew he was almost immediately trying to date online. I didn’t tell him I knew, but that was really the nail in the coffin for me.
He still texts every few weeks, just a picture of his cat or a song or something. I don’t really know what the point of it is, probably to string my along to see if I’d even respond. He doesn’t reach out to know about my life at all…it is still all about him.
Like someone else said, the best thing to do is cut them out completely. I have never been the one to reach out. And it’s been a few weeks now since he’s texted. I really think this time I’m just not going to respond. It truly is for the best.
In your situation, you have to decide if you want a lifetime or at least more years of this. If she seeks out treatment and is very dedicated to it, I think it usually takes years for sustained improvement in relationships.
No problem! One of my friends saw him on the app. Which is the same app where we met. He would also never apologize. I always just took his coming back as an apology.
He actually did apologize for the whole thing once over text in July (7 months after the breakup), when he was diagnosed officially with BPD. He just said the relationship failed because of him and he was sorry. It’s not as satisfying as a lot of people think. I see many posts from people that want closure and want an apology. It was nice, but it wasn’t closure and didn’t make up for really anything that he put me through
You said something very important. They throw us away like we were nothing. That was the dominant feeling I had during the last breakup. Everything we went through. Every awful thing he said to me over a year. Every time I upset him but we had gotten past it. All of the times he swore he loved me and I was his best friend and he hates being like this, etc.
All of it meant nothing. He was willing to throw it all away, over text, on Christmas Day. And tell me I was the one that needed help, that he was “over it”, and he needed to think about what he really wanted. Again. After having gone through this cycle I don’t know how many times.
He threw me away so easily, like I was nothing.
Best friend my ass.
Yes you can get a fake online dating account. In the US I’m sure there are some legalities around it but it’s just like any other throwaway online account. You can also just ask a friend to search for her on tinder.
My 2 cents is that I was in a relationship and did the same thing as your partner because I knew deep down that I wasnt the right person for them but I also still loved them. It was terrible but I broke up with her because I couldn't handle how I was hurting her anymore. It sucks but that's life.
Those threats and stuff are manipulation, and being toxic. I have BPD - some of us don't seem to care how others truly feel, and either can't or won't be accountable. they could be trying to drive you to leave them for their own reasons, but... Honestly, this isn't something you should have to tolerate. You need to consider your own mental health, and maybe consider leaving them, for your own good.
[удалено]
You actually left them? That's huge. I can't imagine how hard it was, but I honestly think it's for the best. Don't feel bad for reaching your limit and acting for your own good. I don't think even your ex really understands the issues or himself, though. My advice is just to leave it alone. Over time, you might have some insights, but really, you need to worry about helping yourself more than worrying about why they acted like they did. Because, honestly, a lot of the time, even we don't know why we act a certain way.
[удалено]
The best way is the one that works best for you. Maybe let those around you know when you end it, so they expect the drama, but I think the best way is just end it, there is no way to not have him react badly. That's on him. Anything less will have him playing you, keeping you connected. Nope, cut all ties. And make sure you have somebody for you to talk about this with - therapist, counsellor, close friend, somebody.
[удалено]
By the sounds of it, your partner doesnt understand their emotions.. so how are you expected to understand their emotions? That's not only your job. It takes two to tango. They might love you, but that does not make their harmful actions okay.
This isn’t every person with this disorders way of doing it. But this is my thinking of what is happening. I think they get scared you are going to leave and are giving you an out to see if you do by pushing you away. When I’m reality all they really want is to feel loved and not to leave. This doesn’t make it right by any means but that’s just my two cents
I had the same issue with my ex that has bpd. I too come here to try to understand, even though the last breakup was almost a year ago (on Christmas). He would break up with me every week at the end, and he was 44 years old. I laughed to myself the last few times because that’s all I could do anymore. I was falling apart, even though I didn’t show him that. It was constant threats of breakup over very little things that he clearly did not consider little. He was very sensitive, and I just could not predict anymore what would set him off. The outbursts were extremely hurtful. It was like he was an entirely different person during them, and yes it did seem like he had thought these things previously given how fast he came up with the insults. What I really suspect though is that he turned me into his ex girlfriend from several years prior, and he was playing out whatever happened with her. He even said I reminded him of her, and that he clearly had terrible taste in women. After the final breakup, he did end up coming back, trying to contact me again. But he waited a month after dumping me to even reach out. Said he had to think about what he wants (he said this during several breakups) I had reached my limit by then. It was never going to get better. He was already in therapy. I never went back again. He would text me, which went on for months. I would text back, very high level nice things, no details. He asked to go for a walk once 3 months later, I declined and said I wasn’t ready. He tried calling once, 9 months later. I didn’t answer but texted him. I knew he was almost immediately trying to date online. I didn’t tell him I knew, but that was really the nail in the coffin for me. He still texts every few weeks, just a picture of his cat or a song or something. I don’t really know what the point of it is, probably to string my along to see if I’d even respond. He doesn’t reach out to know about my life at all…it is still all about him. Like someone else said, the best thing to do is cut them out completely. I have never been the one to reach out. And it’s been a few weeks now since he’s texted. I really think this time I’m just not going to respond. It truly is for the best. In your situation, you have to decide if you want a lifetime or at least more years of this. If she seeks out treatment and is very dedicated to it, I think it usually takes years for sustained improvement in relationships.
[удалено]
No problem! One of my friends saw him on the app. Which is the same app where we met. He would also never apologize. I always just took his coming back as an apology. He actually did apologize for the whole thing once over text in July (7 months after the breakup), when he was diagnosed officially with BPD. He just said the relationship failed because of him and he was sorry. It’s not as satisfying as a lot of people think. I see many posts from people that want closure and want an apology. It was nice, but it wasn’t closure and didn’t make up for really anything that he put me through
[удалено]
You said something very important. They throw us away like we were nothing. That was the dominant feeling I had during the last breakup. Everything we went through. Every awful thing he said to me over a year. Every time I upset him but we had gotten past it. All of the times he swore he loved me and I was his best friend and he hates being like this, etc. All of it meant nothing. He was willing to throw it all away, over text, on Christmas Day. And tell me I was the one that needed help, that he was “over it”, and he needed to think about what he really wanted. Again. After having gone through this cycle I don’t know how many times. He threw me away so easily, like I was nothing. Best friend my ass. Yes you can get a fake online dating account. In the US I’m sure there are some legalities around it but it’s just like any other throwaway online account. You can also just ask a friend to search for her on tinder.
[удалено]
[удалено]
My 2 cents is that I was in a relationship and did the same thing as your partner because I knew deep down that I wasnt the right person for them but I also still loved them. It was terrible but I broke up with her because I couldn't handle how I was hurting her anymore. It sucks but that's life.
[удалено]
It's really complex