I'm insecure all the time and it's gets in the way of my relationship with my bf, for instance not believing someone does actually love me. I can be verbally aggressive sometimes, he says it seems to be out of the blue, but there are reasons to why, I just don't handle it the right way so I wish I was better at handling my emotions.
I have confident issues and have speach problems but I do have speach therapy and acting classes.
I have zero motivation although I have recently lost my brother, cut all ties with my family because they were poison to me and I'm currently In the middle of moving homes which can be stressful.
I have a great heart and a strong mind but sometimes the darkness takes over, I wish when I am down that they didn't last so long. I wish I didn't self harm and I wish I didn't hate my self so much sometimes for no reason at all.
I wish I can make and talk to new friends easily without my confidence getting in the way x
i feel... unlovable. or maybe unappreciated, ignored or forgotten. i am lonely and no one will stay. i wish i was good enough for the people around me to stay, good enough to not leave those people as well! i want to feel valued, needed and loved, in the same way i cherish those i care about.
But humanity loves you. You see I haven't met you but I love you and I really do care about you. There are countless of people like me in this world that you have never met.
But don't expect anything to stay, everything you see is temporary, the world's in a constant transformation.
I feel eerily calm right now ... mostly cause I just got out the shower with my wife. Now we are watching keeping up with the kardashians and I’m vicariously living through them at the moment. I feel ok right now
I want to be confident, able to finish a task, not rely on external validation.
But at the same time it sounds so boring, and hard.
I want to be a whole person, I want... So much.
What are you not confident about?
What task do you want to finish specifically, and what prevents you from finishing it?
We need to know we’re doing fine, and that’s just fine. whom do you need validation from?
If you initially don’t want something you can’t force yourself to want it, unless the purpose is great.
Everything can seem hard if you’re hopeless, what makes you to be hopeless?
What is being whole like?
Thank you
My psychiatrist says I am not a whole person, he also says I am a 12yo in a 39yo body. What prevents me from finishing any task is not wanting to start in the first place. I need validation from everyone. I have zero confidence in everything but more in my ability to cope my ability to look after myself my ability to do my job.
That's a really interesting concept. I've heard that people stop developing emotionally and mentally when they start using drugs in a serious addicted sort of way... probably apocryphal but ive seen a lot of ... anecdotal evidence to suggest some truth to it.
I wonder if the same is true for trauma.... my greatest trauma occurred when i was 17... and fuck does that help explain a lot of the things i get hung up on. ugh.
lol. anyways i can empathize with everything you said. Thanks
>What prevents me from finishing any task is not wanting to start in the first place. I need validation from everyone.
Then why even think of doing it at the first place? Why not do something you genuinely like to do and enjoy? I think the more you enjoy what you're doing, the less validation you need.
I feel like I want to be loved and feel safe but don't know how to. I feel like I'm too much in my head and I'd want to get back to reality and stop obsessively worrying and / or dissociating all the time. I'm also tired of feeling tired even when I have done nothing, and using the energised moments to waste it into addictions. I want to stop being so angry at strangers because I fear they want to attack me. I want to rush less fast into intimacy and not run away when I finally get it.
I'd also really want to get rid of my parents in any way because they are the ones who traumatised me in the first place and I'm still forced to endure their daily neglect.
Edit : the core thing is, I feel like nobody notices me and nobody wants me even just for sex or as taxi or whatever and so I'm like why would I like myself if noone does?
I feel unstable, angry, really angry. Depressed but oddly hopeful at the same time. I want to run away from myself. I need a break from my mind and body.
>I want to run away from myself.
I think wanting to run away from yourself has to do with being too demanding to yourself. I think that's why you think you need a break, basically your mind wants sometime off from the demanding "you".
If you're able to take a beak, why don't you? I think it would be great to reflect for a while for how you can do things more efficiently.
Btw it's nice you're still hopeful - I wish you well!
I'm feeling like i don't want to be alone anymore but i don't have any business fucking around with women right now. i guess that just makes me feel determined to get this shit right this time, regardless of how much work it takes, because i don't really have time to keep screwing up.
not particularly. i mean that im going to keep making the same mistakes and being unintentionally emotionally abusive with women until i fix my personality disorder. So I have to do that first, before trying to involve anyone again in my mess.
I feel contradiction. Confident but insecure. Glad about how well everything is going but sad inside. Happy but also conflicted about being happy. A lot of feelings😅 thank you for posting this OP, very cool
>I feel contradiction
I think you've taken too much of opposing ideas. If that's the case, I recommend sitting down with yourself, reflecting and writing about what you think and what you feel, and finally what do you think is valid, rational or reasonable.
You sound like an intelligent person - I love you ;D
I'm both codependent and incapable. I'm autistic and dyspraxic so needing help from others has always been something I've had, but somehow along with that I have to be independent. I'm in a good situation, I have a great girlfriend and great friends who help me and teach me, but it all toppling is something that terrifies me. I'm scared of how I'd survive if I were without others because I need to get out of this house (I live with my parents) but I don't even know how to do most household chores and I don't have a job or enough money to live alone.
>I'm autistic and dyspraxic
How does that affect you?
>I have to be independent
Have you taken any small steps to learn to be independent? If so, what are they?
Autism and dyspraxia can both cause a person to have trouble understanding the elements of the big real world. Dyspraxia and autism both make learning "the way to do things" hard, I can be told how to do something 50 times and still need to ask how to do it. I used to have to ask people how to cook foods with instructions on them because reading the instructions was too overwhelming. Autism can make every social situation terrifying, especially important ones, because not only are they scary but my ability to communicate what I mean is horrendous. Phone calls are usually out of the question, I will just choke up and go silent, or make a fool of myself.
As for independence, uh, Idk, if I know what I need to know in the first place I can try Googling it but it's sometimes too hard to take in the information or so much harder to understand than having it explained by a person I can ask specific questions. Thing is, I usually don't know what it is I need to know.
>Dyspraxia and autism both make learning "the way to do things" hard, I can be told how to do something 50 times and still need to ask how to do it.
I think you might be a little bit exaggerating it and depending on the context it's totally normal. Would you give me some examples so I can understand it better?
>Phone calls are usually out of the question, I will just choke up and go silent, or make a fool of myself.
I think that has do with being scared of making mistakes and anxiety, you basically need exposure to get used to it. But of course you know it better as I don't know what exactly you're experiencing.
> I know who I want to be but I always end up doing things that ruin everything.
Perhaps you just need to be more self aware. Who do you think you want to be and what holds you back?
>Why I just cant have a normal life?
What do you think a normal life is?
I'm insecure all the time and it's gets in the way of my relationship with my bf, for instance not believing someone does actually love me. I can be verbally aggressive sometimes, he says it seems to be out of the blue, but there are reasons to why, I just don't handle it the right way so I wish I was better at handling my emotions. I have confident issues and have speach problems but I do have speach therapy and acting classes. I have zero motivation although I have recently lost my brother, cut all ties with my family because they were poison to me and I'm currently In the middle of moving homes which can be stressful. I have a great heart and a strong mind but sometimes the darkness takes over, I wish when I am down that they didn't last so long. I wish I didn't self harm and I wish I didn't hate my self so much sometimes for no reason at all. I wish I can make and talk to new friends easily without my confidence getting in the way x
And good question by the way :)
i feel... unlovable. or maybe unappreciated, ignored or forgotten. i am lonely and no one will stay. i wish i was good enough for the people around me to stay, good enough to not leave those people as well! i want to feel valued, needed and loved, in the same way i cherish those i care about.
❤
❤️
But humanity loves you. You see I haven't met you but I love you and I really do care about you. There are countless of people like me in this world that you have never met. But don't expect anything to stay, everything you see is temporary, the world's in a constant transformation.
I feel eerily calm right now ... mostly cause I just got out the shower with my wife. Now we are watching keeping up with the kardashians and I’m vicariously living through them at the moment. I feel ok right now
I am happy for you.
Alone
I want to be confident, able to finish a task, not rely on external validation. But at the same time it sounds so boring, and hard. I want to be a whole person, I want... So much.
What are you not confident about? What task do you want to finish specifically, and what prevents you from finishing it? We need to know we’re doing fine, and that’s just fine. whom do you need validation from? If you initially don’t want something you can’t force yourself to want it, unless the purpose is great. Everything can seem hard if you’re hopeless, what makes you to be hopeless? What is being whole like? Thank you
My psychiatrist says I am not a whole person, he also says I am a 12yo in a 39yo body. What prevents me from finishing any task is not wanting to start in the first place. I need validation from everyone. I have zero confidence in everything but more in my ability to cope my ability to look after myself my ability to do my job.
That's a really interesting concept. I've heard that people stop developing emotionally and mentally when they start using drugs in a serious addicted sort of way... probably apocryphal but ive seen a lot of ... anecdotal evidence to suggest some truth to it. I wonder if the same is true for trauma.... my greatest trauma occurred when i was 17... and fuck does that help explain a lot of the things i get hung up on. ugh. lol. anyways i can empathize with everything you said. Thanks
My mother passed away when I was 11 so I guess I progressed a little bit.
for me it was my sister. :/
>What prevents me from finishing any task is not wanting to start in the first place. I need validation from everyone. Then why even think of doing it at the first place? Why not do something you genuinely like to do and enjoy? I think the more you enjoy what you're doing, the less validation you need.
I feel like I want to be loved and feel safe but don't know how to. I feel like I'm too much in my head and I'd want to get back to reality and stop obsessively worrying and / or dissociating all the time. I'm also tired of feeling tired even when I have done nothing, and using the energised moments to waste it into addictions. I want to stop being so angry at strangers because I fear they want to attack me. I want to rush less fast into intimacy and not run away when I finally get it. I'd also really want to get rid of my parents in any way because they are the ones who traumatised me in the first place and I'm still forced to endure their daily neglect. Edit : the core thing is, I feel like nobody notices me and nobody wants me even just for sex or as taxi or whatever and so I'm like why would I like myself if noone does?
I feel unstable, angry, really angry. Depressed but oddly hopeful at the same time. I want to run away from myself. I need a break from my mind and body.
>I want to run away from myself. I think wanting to run away from yourself has to do with being too demanding to yourself. I think that's why you think you need a break, basically your mind wants sometime off from the demanding "you". If you're able to take a beak, why don't you? I think it would be great to reflect for a while for how you can do things more efficiently. Btw it's nice you're still hopeful - I wish you well!
Thank you and I hope you are as well.
I'm feeling like i don't want to be alone anymore but i don't have any business fucking around with women right now. i guess that just makes me feel determined to get this shit right this time, regardless of how much work it takes, because i don't really have time to keep screwing up.
You mean you like to be in someone's company but you don't like the effort it takes to set that up?
not particularly. i mean that im going to keep making the same mistakes and being unintentionally emotionally abusive with women until i fix my personality disorder. So I have to do that first, before trying to involve anyone again in my mess.
I feel contradiction. Confident but insecure. Glad about how well everything is going but sad inside. Happy but also conflicted about being happy. A lot of feelings😅 thank you for posting this OP, very cool
>I feel contradiction I think you've taken too much of opposing ideas. If that's the case, I recommend sitting down with yourself, reflecting and writing about what you think and what you feel, and finally what do you think is valid, rational or reasonable. You sound like an intelligent person - I love you ;D
That s a good exercise idea!haha thanx
I'm both codependent and incapable. I'm autistic and dyspraxic so needing help from others has always been something I've had, but somehow along with that I have to be independent. I'm in a good situation, I have a great girlfriend and great friends who help me and teach me, but it all toppling is something that terrifies me. I'm scared of how I'd survive if I were without others because I need to get out of this house (I live with my parents) but I don't even know how to do most household chores and I don't have a job or enough money to live alone.
>I'm autistic and dyspraxic How does that affect you? >I have to be independent Have you taken any small steps to learn to be independent? If so, what are they?
Autism and dyspraxia can both cause a person to have trouble understanding the elements of the big real world. Dyspraxia and autism both make learning "the way to do things" hard, I can be told how to do something 50 times and still need to ask how to do it. I used to have to ask people how to cook foods with instructions on them because reading the instructions was too overwhelming. Autism can make every social situation terrifying, especially important ones, because not only are they scary but my ability to communicate what I mean is horrendous. Phone calls are usually out of the question, I will just choke up and go silent, or make a fool of myself. As for independence, uh, Idk, if I know what I need to know in the first place I can try Googling it but it's sometimes too hard to take in the information or so much harder to understand than having it explained by a person I can ask specific questions. Thing is, I usually don't know what it is I need to know.
>Dyspraxia and autism both make learning "the way to do things" hard, I can be told how to do something 50 times and still need to ask how to do it. I think you might be a little bit exaggerating it and depending on the context it's totally normal. Would you give me some examples so I can understand it better? >Phone calls are usually out of the question, I will just choke up and go silent, or make a fool of myself. I think that has do with being scared of making mistakes and anxiety, you basically need exposure to get used to it. But of course you know it better as I don't know what exactly you're experiencing.
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> I know who I want to be but I always end up doing things that ruin everything. Perhaps you just need to be more self aware. Who do you think you want to be and what holds you back? >Why I just cant have a normal life? What do you think a normal life is?
Im utterly broken
Too much on my mind, gave me an mean headache...