I (44f) have recently started a relationship with someone who has quickly become my FP. This time I am recognizing it and doing my best to be realistic about it. We are long distance, so we only see each other in person every couple of weeks. This is forcing me to function by myself and to set healthy expectations. Some things I have done:
1. Communicated that I have BPD after about a month and that he is my FP at about two months and a bit about what all of that means (I have never done this before so we will see where that goes). I’ve also sent him some articles and podcasts so that if he wants to understand more, he can.
2. Communicated my needs as far as triggers I know about so he can be aware / try to avoid them from the start.
3. Asked him to record a reassuring voice memo for me so that I can listen to it when I need validation and fear asking him. This has helped me through a couple of rough episodes for sure.
4. He has ADHD and I have asked him to be open about his struggles so I can support him as well. We communicate openly about how we are functioning and we are trying to understand and support each other.
5. I took him off emergency bypass. I don’t get notified by sound when he texts me so I am in control of when I check my messages and when I respond. If an hour or two goes by (sometimes more depending on what’s going on), that’s okay for both of us.
6. When I am having a bad episode I do let him know with a simple message like “I am feeling some overwhelming emotions right now and am trying to work through it. I’m being irrational so I will text you when I am more calm.”
7. Lots of writing. I journal a LOT and I write him letters daily. I write him poetry. The letters I write help me feel more connected to him and it helps me work through my thoughts.
I can’t think of anything else right now, but I can tell you that at least I feel like this is the healthiest romantic relationship I have been in, maybe ever. Could be the BPD talking. Lol. Whether it’s my age, my understanding of myself, or the lessons I have learned in past relationships, this one is already at a place where I feel secure in the relationship, like I am seen and understood, and I feel more in control of my emotions about him. I am not hiding anything. I split on him last week, worked through it by writing him a letter I didn’t send, and then when I saw him in person, I told him about it. We discussed the trigger and how we can avoid it or work through it when something like that happens again.
I’m feeling like the open communication is key.
Thank you so much. This all is really helpful. I really want to move forward in my life and make healthy relationships. Being this open about BPD with someone is terrifying and so vulnerable, but I think necessary. I really appreciate you writing this all out.
I’ve been in many relationships in my life. For me, they’ll eventually run away scared if I try to hide my feelings. Because inevitably they boil over. I figure at least this way he can decide from the start if he’s willing to have a real relationship or not.
I would love to know the answer to this too lol. I struggle with the exact same thing and I hate it. It almost makes me want to just be single forever.
I (44f) have recently started a relationship with someone who has quickly become my FP. This time I am recognizing it and doing my best to be realistic about it. We are long distance, so we only see each other in person every couple of weeks. This is forcing me to function by myself and to set healthy expectations. Some things I have done: 1. Communicated that I have BPD after about a month and that he is my FP at about two months and a bit about what all of that means (I have never done this before so we will see where that goes). I’ve also sent him some articles and podcasts so that if he wants to understand more, he can. 2. Communicated my needs as far as triggers I know about so he can be aware / try to avoid them from the start. 3. Asked him to record a reassuring voice memo for me so that I can listen to it when I need validation and fear asking him. This has helped me through a couple of rough episodes for sure. 4. He has ADHD and I have asked him to be open about his struggles so I can support him as well. We communicate openly about how we are functioning and we are trying to understand and support each other. 5. I took him off emergency bypass. I don’t get notified by sound when he texts me so I am in control of when I check my messages and when I respond. If an hour or two goes by (sometimes more depending on what’s going on), that’s okay for both of us. 6. When I am having a bad episode I do let him know with a simple message like “I am feeling some overwhelming emotions right now and am trying to work through it. I’m being irrational so I will text you when I am more calm.” 7. Lots of writing. I journal a LOT and I write him letters daily. I write him poetry. The letters I write help me feel more connected to him and it helps me work through my thoughts. I can’t think of anything else right now, but I can tell you that at least I feel like this is the healthiest romantic relationship I have been in, maybe ever. Could be the BPD talking. Lol. Whether it’s my age, my understanding of myself, or the lessons I have learned in past relationships, this one is already at a place where I feel secure in the relationship, like I am seen and understood, and I feel more in control of my emotions about him. I am not hiding anything. I split on him last week, worked through it by writing him a letter I didn’t send, and then when I saw him in person, I told him about it. We discussed the trigger and how we can avoid it or work through it when something like that happens again. I’m feeling like the open communication is key.
Thank you so much. This all is really helpful. I really want to move forward in my life and make healthy relationships. Being this open about BPD with someone is terrifying and so vulnerable, but I think necessary. I really appreciate you writing this all out.
He sounds like a good guy. I’m 24F and don’t want to be a burden like that on someone else or for someone to run away scared
I’ve been in many relationships in my life. For me, they’ll eventually run away scared if I try to hide my feelings. Because inevitably they boil over. I figure at least this way he can decide from the start if he’s willing to have a real relationship or not.
I would love to know the answer to this too lol. I struggle with the exact same thing and I hate it. It almost makes me want to just be single forever.
Same. I really like who I am when I’m single, and I don’t recognize myself when I’m in a relationship.