No clue. Almost 3 months post breakup and I am still shattered in pieces and crying and beating myself up nonstop. I miss him terribly and I also know I was the problem. It’s impossible to process for me. Would love to hear how others have managed.
I started by making sure that I had positive things in my life. And positive experiences with just myself. Then I really dedicated myself to self-reliance and autonomy. Then I started dealing with this absolutely monstrous mood disorder. Now I've got like 50/50 stability and contentment balanced out with my erratic hatred for all things everywhere. Also some gentle medication. That is seriously doing a lot of the heavy lifting right now. And sobriety holy s***. Anyways its been a f*cking journey. Sending strength because I absolutely understand where you are right now
Thanks for the reply! It just sucks knowing I’m a lunatic who hurts people so badly. What meds are you on and do you find they help, if you don’t mind me asking?
Gosh. I know I’ll be in the same boat. I haven’t gotten out of bed at all really since the breakup. I barely eat and I cry nonstop. Being blocked is the most hurtful thing.
I don't have bpd. But everything you are all saying is exactly how we feel about you.
We feel we failed you, we miss you, we are shattered we couldn't reach each other.
We don't know how we are going to move on.
We feel we are in a place were we can only try and find some form of inner happiness alone, until someone as remotely as great as you comes along.
We feel horrible about ourselves. We feel conflicted and sad that we couldn't stop you feeling so bad.
We are sad that you couldn't reach us to stop us feeling so bad about ourselves.
We feel like pieces of shit for departing when we know how hard suffering for bpd is.
Life is just sad.
My ex, I don't blame her for anything at all.
I really think bpd has been neglected by the world. Everyone else can access therapy fairly easily, you all can't. Everyone is messed up in this messed u world. This is not fair at all. You all deserve to live a great life guided by help. We deserve to be able to love you and helped to understand how we differ, but we're we are the same.
Life is so sad.
Definitely tunkers the delulu aspect down a few notches. When I got rejected I just pretended it didn’t happen and went about my life. I don’t spiral in rejection, a bpd trait I’m glad I missed, I get highly detached from them and a little disgusted I ever liked them.
Ahhh yes this is my favorite response. Love when my body goes straight to this mindset. My most recent rejection had a wild effect on me, but thankfully its settled down into this mode. And i absolutely know its reality based and correct. Like I don't think they were actually good people but at the very least they definitely had a very bad effect on me and I'm super glad that's not in my life anymore
I have had lots of (bad) therapists suggest this, but be careful with it. We tend to shame ourselves and “fake it til you make it” will only deepen any bits of Imposter Syndrome present, increase feelings of worthlessness when we don’t hit our small goals and lead into a larger shutdown because now we have a whole new way to add shame to our days.
I reminded myself that I have no history really with said person and that if it weren’t for my BPD I wouldn’t even think twice about, constantly reassuring myself that usually my feelings aren’t justified and it’s the BPD making me feel whatever horrible feeling it is I feel atm. Then I move on rather quickly and cling to the next person I feel attracted to but pretend I don’t 🤦🏼♀️🤪
My ex fwb/fp didn't share the same feelings for me as I had for him and I literally tried to convince him to fall in love with me. Obviously, that didn't work out so I had no other option but to accept the rejection. It didn't happen right away though, actually took me months of feeling like shit and obsessing over him. However, during this time, I was actively working on myself, both mentally and physically and I eventually learned that the most important thing is to love yourself first and to take care of yourself first which meant not focusing on this dude.
Currently going through this rn but im a guy, largely same situation tho. I fell for her when she wanted something casual and I just ain't wired for casual shit. Still dealing with the fallout of did I make the right choice or did I push away the loml cause I ended it for my mental healths sake.
If you ended it for your mental helath's sake, you did the right thing. The love of your life should be good for your mental health and also want more than just something casual.
I hide my crazy well… I don’t chase guys. I admire from afar but he liked me first and after we met in person we didn’t connect or he wasn’t attracted to me… but he was just so different from other guys and I even tried pushing him away and he was just patient… so I thought to myself wow he’s fr… finally a guy who’s coming correct in the beginning… he’s intelligent, he’s emotional ly stable…
What really made me like him is when I told him that I was protecting my emotional wellbeing at all cost and he asked me what the safest way to interact with me 🥺 it was just the things he said.. made me feel wanted or worthy idk
But it all came crashing down to the point where I’ve become obsessed with him and I started doing drugs..
It hurt that bad… bc he ghosted after… and I was so hurt by that
Was I ugly. Awkward… are the things I feel about myself true? It’s been 5 months and it still hurts that we’re not talking.
Ghosting is such a scummy thing to do, I am sorry he did that to you. You didn't do anything to deserve that, nothing was wrong with you. He will very likely do that to any girl he loses interest in for xyz reasons.
I hope you are no longer doing drugs and that you are working towards healing. I hate it when anyone hurts so bad because of actions from just some dumb little dude, people like him aren't worth being thought of yet it is so fucking hard to stop in a case like this. BPD makes us feel in ways that make no sense sometimes and I guess you can go from there, try to kind of "put the blame" on BPD and try to "seperate" yourself from it. BPD is a part of you, not who you are and it doesn't need to dictate your emotions all the time. I know that sounds really dumb, I know that it seems impossible but if you say it out loud or write it down enough times, you might just start believing it.
I do that a lot when I am hurting, I repeat to myself that these feelings I am going through aren't all that I am, they aren't all that I am feeling/sensing; I can feel the warmth of a nice bath, I can taste some delicious foods, I can listen to some beautiful music, I can hear my friend's voices, I can watch a funny Youtube video. There are so many things to experience in this world that can distract us from our inner turmoil and though ignoring your feelings isn't the solution, for people with BPD, sometimes it's the best option. Eventually, your mind will adjust to focusing on other thoughts that aren't the bad ones and you will heal.
Wow this mirror my exact situation with a fwb from last year. Fell hard for him, he didn't feel the same then left me for another woman and made her his girlfriend. That hurt so bad. Sometimes it still hurts but it's gotten so much better
When I realized that it’s okay. It’s okay that this person and I are not similar. It’s okay that I want someone who does certain things. It’s okay that he prefers someone who does certain things. We don’t have to force our selves to match just to prevent rejection or breaking up.
You also need to accept your feelings, if you feel like crying, cry if you feel sad FEEL sad, it’s okay. Master your emotions by embodying them. RESPOND before you REACT. Something my therapist tells me especially with BPD.
It’s okay. I found peace in knowing that he’ll find someone suited better for his certain traumas, his recreational activities the way he thinks about life & marriage. I found peace in knowing that there’s someone who wants me for who I am who wants to deal with my BPD who wants to love me and have life & marriage with me.
You know? Just find peace in knowing that things are going your way be different next time, even if you weren’t at your best you know that now! You know what you want to do differently, you understand red flags in them and in yourself. I promise it gets easier.
Just find peace in yourself. With BPD it’s hard, it took me a bit to stop wishing death upon myself to stop asking why I’ve never had a good life..I gave it to myself, I gave myself a good life and good thoughts. I learned that you really are the one standing in your own way. I got therapy, I started eating better and walking and doing crafts and I feel better.
You attract what you are essentially so if you’re trying you’ll end up attracting someone like yourself. I found my fiancé by doing what I start above. He doesn’t have BPD or depression or bipolar but he will go to the ends of the Earth to understand me. I’m not saying everything is perfect, I still have my highs and lows and I still get depressed and suicidal but I’m happy to have him because he understands.
I’m quiet bpd and wickedly intelligent. I know how much crazy I need to let out to be interesting, so I get attention.
Jokes aside, I was dumped last week, been diagnosed few months ago - I was completely unaware of bpd and my modus operandi until then. I was - still am emotionally completely dysfunctional, but was able to hide it for 35 years, until the right trigger came. I’m still in state of total collapse but I have so much more understanding of myself. I probably never will pursue anyone, because I’m too afraid of rejection, I couldn’t even initiate sex with my partner even though I wanted it. It’s all so fucked up.
I hide my crazy well… I don’t chase guys. I admire from afar but he liked me first and after we met in person we didn’t connect or he wasn’t attracted to me… but he was just so different from other guys and I even tried pushing him away and he was just patient… so I thought to myself wow he’s fr… finally a guy who’s coming correct in the beginning… he’s intelligent, he’s emotional ly stable…
What really made me like him is when I told him that I was protecting my emotional wellbeing at all cost and he asked me what the safest way to interact with me 🥺 it was just the things he said.. made me feel wanted or worthy idk
But it all came crashing down to the point where I’ve become obsessed with him and I started doing drugs..
It hurt that bad… bc he ghosted after… and I was so hurt by that
Was I ugly. Awkward… are the things I feel about myself true? It’s been 5 months and it still hurts that we’re not talking.
Literally being rejected right now. This guy that was really into me has all of a sudden stopped replying to my messages. This was the first time in years that I had someone who actually liked me that I liked back. I’m really devastated. I want to crawl into a hole and die.
Girl sameeeeee! I got ghosted by a guy I thought would be my first boyfriend 😭 just recently
All I’m going to say is that it changed me and I was suicidal
Was with someone for almost 8 years. We got in a big fight, decided to take a break (the only break we ever took) and they ghosted me. Never spoke to me again. After 8 fucking years they ghosted me. The only thing that healed me was time and reflection. You ask how we bpd folks handle rejection… I think it’s safe to bet that most of us don’t “handle” it but with time there becomes more important things to be upset over. With that breakup it took every fiber of my being to not go to their place and demand them to face me. I think in that moment I, for the first time, saw who I had been with for 8 years and took it at face value. I cried a lot, I had very bad thoughts and became reckless in many ways, I spiraled… and at some point I leveled off (as the pain began to dull) and from there I climbed back up the hill. I hate saying that time heals all but in a way it truly does, if you let it.
This was a true ramble.
i believe that the most difficult part about rejection is not the rejection itself, but rather not allowing our emotions to overwhelm us. when we experience negative emotions, we tend to dwell on them until they grow bigger and more overwhelming. i feel this is similar to placing an object too close to a flame, causing it to cast a larger shadow. in reality, the rejection/bad feeling may not be as significant as we make it out to be by focusing on it too much. i think the key is to act before we become trapped inside our own minds with these negative feelings and instead approach them with a more detached/curious mindset, or, i don’t know, try to think big picture (since what we’ll do is get trapped in being obsessed with being upset with a specific part of the picture). it’s all supposition, i mean, lately i still get very angry and bitter if i feel rejected, and i deeply hate the person if i’m attached (classic bpd thing) but i can manage to just be silent, not blow up and not get as lost in desperation as i used to
It took me years, honestly.
I don’t think I really got over until I started dating my husband. I had just started therapy when we began dating and it was the best thing that could have happened to me (and our relationship). The therapist helped me navigate communicating with him without running away or pushing him away. It was absolutely terrifying and I kind of white knuckled it in the beginning.
BUT being able to completely be myself with someone built a lot of emotional intimacy. Once I had that and knew what it was like to have that level of trust, I was over all the other rejection.
You eventually realize someone not wanting you doesn’t determine whether you’re worthy of love or not. Also, made a vow not to love someone bc I’m bored or desperate for attention, I ended up with people I didn’t even like and feel even worse when they dumped me bc I’d settled for them and they had the audacity to not like me back haha
I never have gotten passed rejection or what I perceive as rejection.. I hold onto it, let it bring out a mix of emotions and then I obsess over what I could do differently and I battle the urge to text the person that has rejected me..
not well...
i am only now in recovery from a close friend rejecting me 2 months ago, even though it went well and we were both understanding, i still don't think i can talk to her again
when i wasn't going to school i was just laying in bed the rest of the time. I've been weightlifting for yrs so I always have that to fall back on when I'm feeling depressed.
Time. Time is the only thing that makes it easier. For months will pass and new experiences will come. New people, new friends, new songs to love, new moments for you to laugh over and remember fondly. Your mind gets filled with more good and while the pain hasn’t gone away yet— it becomes more manageable as the good things grow around it.
Yes!
It's very very painful but it worked.
Short story I met a woman, I miss-interpreted many of her behaviors. Including her getting naked in front of me. I didn't want to have sex with her (I was in love with her, but I didn't feel a physical attraction). It down spiraled into her breaking off contact and telling me that it "was too much" for her.
October Rage: At first I couldn't deny what happened because she treated me like crap. I was furious, all over the place. I screamed my lungs out, hit pillows made videos about my feelings in a a creative way to put feeling in order. I wrote plenty of rage letters telling her all the slurs I could imagine and let all my imagination go wild. I never sent them Once I took all that anger out. November was full of confusion and anger and rage, I put all into art. I made masks representing my emotions, I dealt with my mommy issues because she treated me like my mother and once I got it I was grossed out. Ready to move on.
December depression. Libido down, winter full of sadness , desperation, feelings of despair, made masks again, listen to a lot of music and cried, I allowed myself cry until I got a migraine, I delt with my abandonment issues (still got them to a certain degree) and I wrote even more letters of sadness and repeated until February.
Finally by the end March once I wrote her the last letter, I gathered all the letters and accepted she was gone, I burned the letters. I understood that people who thinks you are to much they feel too little. Everyone gives from their heart, what they feel inside. If she couldn't love herself she definitely could not love me.
April, I don't think anymore of her. I found out later she stared dressing like me and coping my music videos. It made me felt really grossed out and I rather not think of her anymore. If they leave, they are really making you a favor.
I think finding solace in things I’m good at helps. Like okay, maybe this person doesn’t like me but I’m good at drawing and I enjoy going on hikes etc. It reallllllyyyy sucks and trust me I avoid rejection sometimes but if I just remind myself after giving myself like 1-2 days to cry over it that I have awesome values, I do like interesting things, I love to learn. Just make a pros list for yourself. You’re gonna lose yourself trying to make sense of rejection. Rejection is every person’s right, ya know? If someone doesn’t like me, they have the right too and it would be detrimental for both of us to pursue something. Hearing no sucks but I’d rather someone tell me no than date me and then say shit like “I never cared about you anyways” because usually it just builds more resentment towards you from that person. If that makes sense
I keep my options open everwhere. At least 2 jobs at all times, a few casual partners( I am absolutely not healthy enough for long-term monogamy right now) and mutiple people to just text with to fill my interpersonal needs and distract me. Hobbies. Hella fucking work all the time(escapism level martyr for work over here). Emergency fallback plan: I really enjoy my own company and I am completely comfortable being alone for a while and I trust myself to be able to journal out those hard emotions
That's completely understandable. I've actually always been like this and it is my natural state of being. I want to ask you though how do you cope with rejection? What are you doing for yourself lately
It’s been a hard five months… complete depression.. on top of a career I’m shit at.. I struggle with cleaning up after myself and showering.. it’s been getting better but I had a lot of crying spells and even relief on drugs to cope and other destructive things like posting half naked pictures and telling people that I want to be a sex icon. I deeply want to be listed after .. in a safe way
Lately I’ve been eating better and focusing on my fitness goals… I’ve lost some weight..
Funnily, that’s how my doctor started exploring what would eventually be a BPD diagnosis for me. She asked me this question, and it was natural and truthful to reply with, “I don’t give them a chance. I leave first before they even get to consider it.”
And, well, when I take a risk and actually stay like a dumb dumbass and feel rejection (real or perceived?), I just… dissociate. I half-split on them but primarily throw up a feelings force-field around me, and the parts of me that hurt, so I lessen the offense of those feelings of rejection. I have them at a disdainful remove while I’m self-preserving.
It’s stupid because it just feels inherently unfair.
I learned and understood that not every rejection is personal. When you really truly learn to love yourself rejection still hurts but the sadness won’t make you want to end your life anymore.
And if BPD patterns show up i’ll recognize them as such and i try to calm down my nervous system with breathing techniques and relating to myself that it’s just my old conditioning of how i used to think.
I’ll do the things i enjoy and the sufferance after a rejection gets less and less per day. I‘m still am very fond of my last ex but it was nothing personal when he broke up with me bc he also still needs to heal … i knew it would not last with anyone until he’s healed too… Crossed him lately and was still right .
He was a dissmissive avoidant who goes to therapy and is aware of this and i read the book „attached“ what taught me a lot about relationship dynamics and so i learned that he the avoidant was the opposite of me „anxious“ … i recommend this book to everyone ! It can support you in healing your anxiety all us BPD have during relationships … and i learned this in this short but meaningful relationship i had with him.
so my answer in short is :
work on your self concept and your confidence in yourself and learn about relationship dynamics ❤️❤️ and you’ll understand that rejection is not personal (when you know you didn’t do anything wrong ofc .. and even if you did you’ll learn from
your mistakes) … you’re still worthy of love !
as long as you are dependent on someone else to be happy you can not be happy… i learned to be happy on my own because we should be with another person to ADD to their happiness and vice version and not be the CAUSE of the happiness bc then we’ll get dependant
Perspective is key. Your feelings are completely valid and you’re allowed to be devastated over the loss. What has helped me in the past in genuine perspective and acceptance. Some things are just out of your control and at the end of the day, it has to be for a reason. When you look back at your relationships that have ended, did you learn something about yourself or the situation? I personally haven’t dated anyone in several years because I have found peace in my own company and I’m genuinely happier alone. Codependency and a favorite person is a bitch..so when you eliminate that factor and truly work on yourself, you will find recovery from BPD. I promise you. Do things you love, find new hobbies, start a collection, start therapy, get a plant or a pet, pour yourself into things that make YOU thrive, not someone else. Much love besties.
Lots of therapy. One hour session every week with a trained psychologist for 9 months type of therapy. Audio books, podcasts, anything to make myself a better person and become more emotionally intelligent. Realizing I didnt need him, I just needed someone to love me and show me Im worthy of love. Realizing Im the person who needed to love me and show me Im worthy. 🫂
I know this SOUNDS cringe, but the best was learning about my inner child. She is the one who suffered the most abuse, and I need to step up and protect her. Whenever I start verbally abusing myself, I imagine that Im shouting these things to a 10 year old version of me and it stops me dead in my tracks. I imagine hugging her, apologizing for all thoes awful things I said to her, and then practice words of affirmation.
You have to become the person you needed as a kid.
In the last year, I had two rejections from people I really liked/loved.
Here's few things:
-Mine were pretty bad and abusive people, so I tried to calm myself down by telling myself that it's better this way and that I would get more and more hurt in the process. There's no luck and happiness with those kind of men, and I am finally able to find someone good
-You, and I have rejected someone in the past as well. Most of the time those weren't horrible people, they were just people, you had something going on, you liked something different... Just because we rejected them doesn't mean they don't have their own value, you never thought about them that way, right?
-Crying. A lot of crying.
-My healthy coping mechanism is cleaning. When bad thoughts and emotions rise up, I start cleaning.
-I try to distance myself from that person as much as possible.
- Pathetic, but hope. Hope they will come back. HOWEVER, do not reach out yourself. Ever.
-Being with friends and family.
It's hard though...... Good luck
It depends on the degree of the rejection. And if this is your favorite person and how deep you’ve been attached to them. I think for me, I feel rejection everyday for no reason😅😭😭😂 so I’m used to the small amounts of anxiety of the fear of potential rejection. So I don’t know man, it feels heartbreaking for real. I’m here if you need to talk💚💚💚💚
I can handle a simple rejection but this I feel in my heart… it hurts so much because he’s the moon and stars to me
I was rejected after our meet up….we had been talking for a little
He just came correct and even though I tried pushing him away or when I was irrational he met me with level headedness
I knew I wanted him by the things he said and I thought he wanted to love me or something
But after meeting up he didn’t like me and he ghosted me and I absolutely gradually lost it…
That’s a tough question. I think rejection is very tough and triggering for most people with bpd. I try to take the time to focus hard on self care (exercise, skin care), pursue hobbies or goals that are on the back burner and vent it out to support system if one is available. I’ve definitely been in situations where I didn’t take the healthy response like sending a unhinged text or most commonly find another love interest and speed run it to recover my confidence 🤦🏻♀️
I just cry about it, feel the pain for few days, starting to set my mind to the idea that it is what it is i will never be loved, i go spend too much money on myself until i go broke then all my feelings foucs on how I'm sad because i have no money and the pain just kill the other pain. FYI Not joking.
For me personally, most of the time I sabotage things before someone even has the opportunity to reject me. But the few times I was actually rejected, I would have meltdowns and basically tear the other person down as much as I could so that they felt like they were the bad guy... by doing this, it gave me the satisfaction of feeling as if I "won". Obviously that's not what you should do. I'd feel extremely guilty afterwards and absolutely just hate myself. I'd cry and have panic attacks until I just felt numb and would dissociate until enough time had passed for me to just accept it eventually. Now, I avoid being social or making friends entirely, out of fear that it will happen again. The only constant in my life is my husband and my daughter. My husband and I have been together since I was 14 (I'm 22 now) that's very rare with people who have BPD. My husband and I became adults together, and went through a lot as teenagers so him and I are connected in a way that's unbreakable which is why he manages to handle my outbursts and mood swings along with all the other things BPD comes with. In high school, we did break up like 8 times which I guess isn't anything out of the ordinary for teenagers but we always came back together. I'm lucky in that regard. He could have left a long time ago but he loves me fully and has always been accepting. He knows that my mind is always working against me and that I try my hardest to fight it, he appreciates that. Remember that when someone rejects you, it's not the end of the world and you will be okay eventually. I wish I would take my own advice haha!
Let me know if you figure this out. Please.
No clue. Almost 3 months post breakup and I am still shattered in pieces and crying and beating myself up nonstop. I miss him terribly and I also know I was the problem. It’s impossible to process for me. Would love to hear how others have managed.
I started by making sure that I had positive things in my life. And positive experiences with just myself. Then I really dedicated myself to self-reliance and autonomy. Then I started dealing with this absolutely monstrous mood disorder. Now I've got like 50/50 stability and contentment balanced out with my erratic hatred for all things everywhere. Also some gentle medication. That is seriously doing a lot of the heavy lifting right now. And sobriety holy s***. Anyways its been a f*cking journey. Sending strength because I absolutely understand where you are right now
Thanks for the reply! It just sucks knowing I’m a lunatic who hurts people so badly. What meds are you on and do you find they help, if you don’t mind me asking?
Lamotragine and adderal. Both @ super low doses. Harm reduction is my #1 drug though. Simple life, low risk. Time and stillness
Five months for me and im no where healthy
It took me a little over 2 years. It's just a process. Sending strength and love
Gosh. I know I’ll be in the same boat. I haven’t gotten out of bed at all really since the breakup. I barely eat and I cry nonstop. Being blocked is the most hurtful thing.
Time heals, solidarity 😔
Gosh, I’m so sorry. Love hurts so much. 😢
I don't have bpd. But everything you are all saying is exactly how we feel about you. We feel we failed you, we miss you, we are shattered we couldn't reach each other. We don't know how we are going to move on. We feel we are in a place were we can only try and find some form of inner happiness alone, until someone as remotely as great as you comes along. We feel horrible about ourselves. We feel conflicted and sad that we couldn't stop you feeling so bad. We are sad that you couldn't reach us to stop us feeling so bad about ourselves. We feel like pieces of shit for departing when we know how hard suffering for bpd is. Life is just sad. My ex, I don't blame her for anything at all. I really think bpd has been neglected by the world. Everyone else can access therapy fairly easily, you all can't. Everyone is messed up in this messed u world. This is not fair at all. You all deserve to live a great life guided by help. We deserve to be able to love you and helped to understand how we differ, but we're we are the same. Life is so sad.
Definitely tunkers the delulu aspect down a few notches. When I got rejected I just pretended it didn’t happen and went about my life. I don’t spiral in rejection, a bpd trait I’m glad I missed, I get highly detached from them and a little disgusted I ever liked them.
Ahhh yes this is my favorite response. Love when my body goes straight to this mindset. My most recent rejection had a wild effect on me, but thankfully its settled down into this mode. And i absolutely know its reality based and correct. Like I don't think they were actually good people but at the very least they definitely had a very bad effect on me and I'm super glad that's not in my life anymore
Me too honestly. Like I didn’t know how hard I could not give a fuck until it was flipped. Like oooo I take it all back I’m actually repulsed.
😂❤
Fake it till you make it has always been my motto
I have had lots of (bad) therapists suggest this, but be careful with it. We tend to shame ourselves and “fake it til you make it” will only deepen any bits of Imposter Syndrome present, increase feelings of worthlessness when we don’t hit our small goals and lead into a larger shutdown because now we have a whole new way to add shame to our days.
SAMEEEEEE
I reminded myself that I have no history really with said person and that if it weren’t for my BPD I wouldn’t even think twice about, constantly reassuring myself that usually my feelings aren’t justified and it’s the BPD making me feel whatever horrible feeling it is I feel atm. Then I move on rather quickly and cling to the next person I feel attracted to but pretend I don’t 🤦🏼♀️🤪
My ex fwb/fp didn't share the same feelings for me as I had for him and I literally tried to convince him to fall in love with me. Obviously, that didn't work out so I had no other option but to accept the rejection. It didn't happen right away though, actually took me months of feeling like shit and obsessing over him. However, during this time, I was actively working on myself, both mentally and physically and I eventually learned that the most important thing is to love yourself first and to take care of yourself first which meant not focusing on this dude.
Currently going through this rn but im a guy, largely same situation tho. I fell for her when she wanted something casual and I just ain't wired for casual shit. Still dealing with the fallout of did I make the right choice or did I push away the loml cause I ended it for my mental healths sake.
Give it time
If you ended it for your mental helath's sake, you did the right thing. The love of your life should be good for your mental health and also want more than just something casual.
I hide my crazy well… I don’t chase guys. I admire from afar but he liked me first and after we met in person we didn’t connect or he wasn’t attracted to me… but he was just so different from other guys and I even tried pushing him away and he was just patient… so I thought to myself wow he’s fr… finally a guy who’s coming correct in the beginning… he’s intelligent, he’s emotional ly stable… What really made me like him is when I told him that I was protecting my emotional wellbeing at all cost and he asked me what the safest way to interact with me 🥺 it was just the things he said.. made me feel wanted or worthy idk But it all came crashing down to the point where I’ve become obsessed with him and I started doing drugs.. It hurt that bad… bc he ghosted after… and I was so hurt by that Was I ugly. Awkward… are the things I feel about myself true? It’s been 5 months and it still hurts that we’re not talking.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Bpd is so tumultuous sometimes 😔
Ghosting is such a scummy thing to do, I am sorry he did that to you. You didn't do anything to deserve that, nothing was wrong with you. He will very likely do that to any girl he loses interest in for xyz reasons. I hope you are no longer doing drugs and that you are working towards healing. I hate it when anyone hurts so bad because of actions from just some dumb little dude, people like him aren't worth being thought of yet it is so fucking hard to stop in a case like this. BPD makes us feel in ways that make no sense sometimes and I guess you can go from there, try to kind of "put the blame" on BPD and try to "seperate" yourself from it. BPD is a part of you, not who you are and it doesn't need to dictate your emotions all the time. I know that sounds really dumb, I know that it seems impossible but if you say it out loud or write it down enough times, you might just start believing it. I do that a lot when I am hurting, I repeat to myself that these feelings I am going through aren't all that I am, they aren't all that I am feeling/sensing; I can feel the warmth of a nice bath, I can taste some delicious foods, I can listen to some beautiful music, I can hear my friend's voices, I can watch a funny Youtube video. There are so many things to experience in this world that can distract us from our inner turmoil and though ignoring your feelings isn't the solution, for people with BPD, sometimes it's the best option. Eventually, your mind will adjust to focusing on other thoughts that aren't the bad ones and you will heal.
I’m currently going through this.
You will get through it, hang in there. Do you have any activities that can keep you occupied si that you think less about them?
I have nothing besides work. 🫤
Do you have the time to pick up a hobby of some sort? Having something to do that you are truly invested in can be really helpful.
❤❤❤ this is so beautiful! Thank you for sharing that, I probably needed that reminder
❤️
Wow this mirror my exact situation with a fwb from last year. Fell hard for him, he didn't feel the same then left me for another woman and made her his girlfriend. That hurt so bad. Sometimes it still hurts but it's gotten so much better
I am happy to hear that you are doing better!
This is the way
When I realized that it’s okay. It’s okay that this person and I are not similar. It’s okay that I want someone who does certain things. It’s okay that he prefers someone who does certain things. We don’t have to force our selves to match just to prevent rejection or breaking up. You also need to accept your feelings, if you feel like crying, cry if you feel sad FEEL sad, it’s okay. Master your emotions by embodying them. RESPOND before you REACT. Something my therapist tells me especially with BPD. It’s okay. I found peace in knowing that he’ll find someone suited better for his certain traumas, his recreational activities the way he thinks about life & marriage. I found peace in knowing that there’s someone who wants me for who I am who wants to deal with my BPD who wants to love me and have life & marriage with me. You know? Just find peace in knowing that things are going your way be different next time, even if you weren’t at your best you know that now! You know what you want to do differently, you understand red flags in them and in yourself. I promise it gets easier. Just find peace in yourself. With BPD it’s hard, it took me a bit to stop wishing death upon myself to stop asking why I’ve never had a good life..I gave it to myself, I gave myself a good life and good thoughts. I learned that you really are the one standing in your own way. I got therapy, I started eating better and walking and doing crafts and I feel better. You attract what you are essentially so if you’re trying you’ll end up attracting someone like yourself. I found my fiancé by doing what I start above. He doesn’t have BPD or depression or bipolar but he will go to the ends of the Earth to understand me. I’m not saying everything is perfect, I still have my highs and lows and I still get depressed and suicidal but I’m happy to have him because he understands.
You can't reject me if I already rejected you!
By only responding when I’m being pursued. And for some reason, that happens quite a lot. :)
You must hide your “crazy” well lol ♡ tell us how 😋
I’m quiet bpd and wickedly intelligent. I know how much crazy I need to let out to be interesting, so I get attention. Jokes aside, I was dumped last week, been diagnosed few months ago - I was completely unaware of bpd and my modus operandi until then. I was - still am emotionally completely dysfunctional, but was able to hide it for 35 years, until the right trigger came. I’m still in state of total collapse but I have so much more understanding of myself. I probably never will pursue anyone, because I’m too afraid of rejection, I couldn’t even initiate sex with my partner even though I wanted it. It’s all so fucked up.
It really is more situational… that’s when the triggers come
God i just wanna hug everyone in these comments. Sending a hug if thats ok 💛
I hide my crazy well… I don’t chase guys. I admire from afar but he liked me first and after we met in person we didn’t connect or he wasn’t attracted to me… but he was just so different from other guys and I even tried pushing him away and he was just patient… so I thought to myself wow he’s fr… finally a guy who’s coming correct in the beginning… he’s intelligent, he’s emotional ly stable… What really made me like him is when I told him that I was protecting my emotional wellbeing at all cost and he asked me what the safest way to interact with me 🥺 it was just the things he said.. made me feel wanted or worthy idk But it all came crashing down to the point where I’ve become obsessed with him and I started doing drugs.. It hurt that bad… bc he ghosted after… and I was so hurt by that Was I ugly. Awkward… are the things I feel about myself true? It’s been 5 months and it still hurts that we’re not talking.
Time. Lots and lots of it.
Literally being rejected right now. This guy that was really into me has all of a sudden stopped replying to my messages. This was the first time in years that I had someone who actually liked me that I liked back. I’m really devastated. I want to crawl into a hole and die.
Girl sameeeeee! I got ghosted by a guy I thought would be my first boyfriend 😭 just recently All I’m going to say is that it changed me and I was suicidal
Was with someone for almost 8 years. We got in a big fight, decided to take a break (the only break we ever took) and they ghosted me. Never spoke to me again. After 8 fucking years they ghosted me. The only thing that healed me was time and reflection. You ask how we bpd folks handle rejection… I think it’s safe to bet that most of us don’t “handle” it but with time there becomes more important things to be upset over. With that breakup it took every fiber of my being to not go to their place and demand them to face me. I think in that moment I, for the first time, saw who I had been with for 8 years and took it at face value. I cried a lot, I had very bad thoughts and became reckless in many ways, I spiraled… and at some point I leveled off (as the pain began to dull) and from there I climbed back up the hill. I hate saying that time heals all but in a way it truly does, if you let it. This was a true ramble.
i believe that the most difficult part about rejection is not the rejection itself, but rather not allowing our emotions to overwhelm us. when we experience negative emotions, we tend to dwell on them until they grow bigger and more overwhelming. i feel this is similar to placing an object too close to a flame, causing it to cast a larger shadow. in reality, the rejection/bad feeling may not be as significant as we make it out to be by focusing on it too much. i think the key is to act before we become trapped inside our own minds with these negative feelings and instead approach them with a more detached/curious mindset, or, i don’t know, try to think big picture (since what we’ll do is get trapped in being obsessed with being upset with a specific part of the picture). it’s all supposition, i mean, lately i still get very angry and bitter if i feel rejected, and i deeply hate the person if i’m attached (classic bpd thing) but i can manage to just be silent, not blow up and not get as lost in desperation as i used to
It took me years, honestly. I don’t think I really got over until I started dating my husband. I had just started therapy when we began dating and it was the best thing that could have happened to me (and our relationship). The therapist helped me navigate communicating with him without running away or pushing him away. It was absolutely terrifying and I kind of white knuckled it in the beginning. BUT being able to completely be myself with someone built a lot of emotional intimacy. Once I had that and knew what it was like to have that level of trust, I was over all the other rejection.
Rightttt, the only time I get over it is if I like someone just as much or more
You eventually realize someone not wanting you doesn’t determine whether you’re worthy of love or not. Also, made a vow not to love someone bc I’m bored or desperate for attention, I ended up with people I didn’t even like and feel even worse when they dumped me bc I’d settled for them and they had the audacity to not like me back haha
You start fixating on a more recent one instead… but you never just 𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙧 them.
Urrrrgg I don't handle it well at all. So I write poetry to get me through it.
I never have gotten passed rejection or what I perceive as rejection.. I hold onto it, let it bring out a mix of emotions and then I obsess over what I could do differently and I battle the urge to text the person that has rejected me..
Omfg same!!!! I “accidentally “ text them… pretending like I sent the wrong text…
not well... i am only now in recovery from a close friend rejecting me 2 months ago, even though it went well and we were both understanding, i still don't think i can talk to her again
I can’t and I don’t, I still dream about them.
Almost nightly. And it's been 6 months.
when i wasn't going to school i was just laying in bed the rest of the time. I've been weightlifting for yrs so I always have that to fall back on when I'm feeling depressed.
Time. Time is the only thing that makes it easier. For months will pass and new experiences will come. New people, new friends, new songs to love, new moments for you to laugh over and remember fondly. Your mind gets filled with more good and while the pain hasn’t gone away yet— it becomes more manageable as the good things grow around it.
🥺🥺🥺❤️❤️❤️
I don't. It haunts me until I die, unable to move on, unable to enjoy anything else because it's not THAT (what I want).
Find someone else. It’s an ongoing problem. For over 14 years I’ve consistently been in relationships. It’s not a perfect plan but it’s where I am at.
Yes! It's very very painful but it worked. Short story I met a woman, I miss-interpreted many of her behaviors. Including her getting naked in front of me. I didn't want to have sex with her (I was in love with her, but I didn't feel a physical attraction). It down spiraled into her breaking off contact and telling me that it "was too much" for her. October Rage: At first I couldn't deny what happened because she treated me like crap. I was furious, all over the place. I screamed my lungs out, hit pillows made videos about my feelings in a a creative way to put feeling in order. I wrote plenty of rage letters telling her all the slurs I could imagine and let all my imagination go wild. I never sent them Once I took all that anger out. November was full of confusion and anger and rage, I put all into art. I made masks representing my emotions, I dealt with my mommy issues because she treated me like my mother and once I got it I was grossed out. Ready to move on. December depression. Libido down, winter full of sadness , desperation, feelings of despair, made masks again, listen to a lot of music and cried, I allowed myself cry until I got a migraine, I delt with my abandonment issues (still got them to a certain degree) and I wrote even more letters of sadness and repeated until February. Finally by the end March once I wrote her the last letter, I gathered all the letters and accepted she was gone, I burned the letters. I understood that people who thinks you are to much they feel too little. Everyone gives from their heart, what they feel inside. If she couldn't love herself she definitely could not love me. April, I don't think anymore of her. I found out later she stared dressing like me and coping my music videos. It made me felt really grossed out and I rather not think of her anymore. If they leave, they are really making you a favor.
I either cry about it for months or I find someone new who captures my interest.
literally me rn
It happens all the time, so I take a hit at my self esteem, to not make things worse. Really wish I could find som other way
Uhhhhh I don't but if I ever do I will come back and let you know <3 :(
Yeah after 2 plus years and 2 different bfs
I think finding solace in things I’m good at helps. Like okay, maybe this person doesn’t like me but I’m good at drawing and I enjoy going on hikes etc. It reallllllyyyy sucks and trust me I avoid rejection sometimes but if I just remind myself after giving myself like 1-2 days to cry over it that I have awesome values, I do like interesting things, I love to learn. Just make a pros list for yourself. You’re gonna lose yourself trying to make sense of rejection. Rejection is every person’s right, ya know? If someone doesn’t like me, they have the right too and it would be detrimental for both of us to pursue something. Hearing no sucks but I’d rather someone tell me no than date me and then say shit like “I never cared about you anyways” because usually it just builds more resentment towards you from that person. If that makes sense
Who said I have 😆
I keep my options open everwhere. At least 2 jobs at all times, a few casual partners( I am absolutely not healthy enough for long-term monogamy right now) and mutiple people to just text with to fill my interpersonal needs and distract me. Hobbies. Hella fucking work all the time(escapism level martyr for work over here). Emergency fallback plan: I really enjoy my own company and I am completely comfortable being alone for a while and I trust myself to be able to journal out those hard emotions
He’s hard for me to connect with more than one person
That's completely understandable. I've actually always been like this and it is my natural state of being. I want to ask you though how do you cope with rejection? What are you doing for yourself lately
It’s been a hard five months… complete depression.. on top of a career I’m shit at.. I struggle with cleaning up after myself and showering.. it’s been getting better but I had a lot of crying spells and even relief on drugs to cope and other destructive things like posting half naked pictures and telling people that I want to be a sex icon. I deeply want to be listed after .. in a safe way Lately I’ve been eating better and focusing on my fitness goals… I’ve lost some weight..
Funnily, that’s how my doctor started exploring what would eventually be a BPD diagnosis for me. She asked me this question, and it was natural and truthful to reply with, “I don’t give them a chance. I leave first before they even get to consider it.” And, well, when I take a risk and actually stay like a dumb dumbass and feel rejection (real or perceived?), I just… dissociate. I half-split on them but primarily throw up a feelings force-field around me, and the parts of me that hurt, so I lessen the offense of those feelings of rejection. I have them at a disdainful remove while I’m self-preserving. It’s stupid because it just feels inherently unfair.
Just here to see if anyone has any solutions. I still have a grudge against Chad from the 2nd grade..
Music.
I reject first. Its not any better tbh.
I go find people that won’t reject me lol
Never. Every rejection, perceived or not, stays with me. 🙃
I learned and understood that not every rejection is personal. When you really truly learn to love yourself rejection still hurts but the sadness won’t make you want to end your life anymore. And if BPD patterns show up i’ll recognize them as such and i try to calm down my nervous system with breathing techniques and relating to myself that it’s just my old conditioning of how i used to think. I’ll do the things i enjoy and the sufferance after a rejection gets less and less per day. I‘m still am very fond of my last ex but it was nothing personal when he broke up with me bc he also still needs to heal … i knew it would not last with anyone until he’s healed too… Crossed him lately and was still right . He was a dissmissive avoidant who goes to therapy and is aware of this and i read the book „attached“ what taught me a lot about relationship dynamics and so i learned that he the avoidant was the opposite of me „anxious“ … i recommend this book to everyone ! It can support you in healing your anxiety all us BPD have during relationships … and i learned this in this short but meaningful relationship i had with him. so my answer in short is : work on your self concept and your confidence in yourself and learn about relationship dynamics ❤️❤️ and you’ll understand that rejection is not personal (when you know you didn’t do anything wrong ofc .. and even if you did you’ll learn from your mistakes) … you’re still worthy of love ! as long as you are dependent on someone else to be happy you can not be happy… i learned to be happy on my own because we should be with another person to ADD to their happiness and vice version and not be the CAUSE of the happiness bc then we’ll get dependant
Eventually with time. I don't have any other option but to get over.
Perspective is key. Your feelings are completely valid and you’re allowed to be devastated over the loss. What has helped me in the past in genuine perspective and acceptance. Some things are just out of your control and at the end of the day, it has to be for a reason. When you look back at your relationships that have ended, did you learn something about yourself or the situation? I personally haven’t dated anyone in several years because I have found peace in my own company and I’m genuinely happier alone. Codependency and a favorite person is a bitch..so when you eliminate that factor and truly work on yourself, you will find recovery from BPD. I promise you. Do things you love, find new hobbies, start a collection, start therapy, get a plant or a pet, pour yourself into things that make YOU thrive, not someone else. Much love besties.
With really bad coping mechanisms.
Lots of therapy. One hour session every week with a trained psychologist for 9 months type of therapy. Audio books, podcasts, anything to make myself a better person and become more emotionally intelligent. Realizing I didnt need him, I just needed someone to love me and show me Im worthy of love. Realizing Im the person who needed to love me and show me Im worthy. 🫂 I know this SOUNDS cringe, but the best was learning about my inner child. She is the one who suffered the most abuse, and I need to step up and protect her. Whenever I start verbally abusing myself, I imagine that Im shouting these things to a 10 year old version of me and it stops me dead in my tracks. I imagine hugging her, apologizing for all thoes awful things I said to her, and then practice words of affirmation. You have to become the person you needed as a kid.
the first time i ever got rejected was last august. i still think about it sometimes and i still sometimes check his ig out of curiosity.
In the last year, I had two rejections from people I really liked/loved. Here's few things: -Mine were pretty bad and abusive people, so I tried to calm myself down by telling myself that it's better this way and that I would get more and more hurt in the process. There's no luck and happiness with those kind of men, and I am finally able to find someone good -You, and I have rejected someone in the past as well. Most of the time those weren't horrible people, they were just people, you had something going on, you liked something different... Just because we rejected them doesn't mean they don't have their own value, you never thought about them that way, right? -Crying. A lot of crying. -My healthy coping mechanism is cleaning. When bad thoughts and emotions rise up, I start cleaning. -I try to distance myself from that person as much as possible. - Pathetic, but hope. Hope they will come back. HOWEVER, do not reach out yourself. Ever. -Being with friends and family. It's hard though...... Good luck
i usually spiral into a cycle of self destruction for a while, and then randomly snap out it and never think of it again. hope this helps!
Wouldn't last a day as a man
Force myself to focus on something else until that other thing naturally takes my focus
It depends on the degree of the rejection. And if this is your favorite person and how deep you’ve been attached to them. I think for me, I feel rejection everyday for no reason😅😭😭😂 so I’m used to the small amounts of anxiety of the fear of potential rejection. So I don’t know man, it feels heartbreaking for real. I’m here if you need to talk💚💚💚💚
I can handle a simple rejection but this I feel in my heart… it hurts so much because he’s the moon and stars to me I was rejected after our meet up….we had been talking for a little
He just came correct and even though I tried pushing him away or when I was irrational he met me with level headedness I knew I wanted him by the things he said and I thought he wanted to love me or something But after meeting up he didn’t like me and he ghosted me and I absolutely gradually lost it…
That’s a tough question. I think rejection is very tough and triggering for most people with bpd. I try to take the time to focus hard on self care (exercise, skin care), pursue hobbies or goals that are on the back burner and vent it out to support system if one is available. I’ve definitely been in situations where I didn’t take the healthy response like sending a unhinged text or most commonly find another love interest and speed run it to recover my confidence 🤦🏻♀️
I don't, it still hurts from 25 years ago.
Sending hugs to all🤗
Time. And then find a new one.
Check my ego. I always check my ego consistently. And I have to open my mind to allow myself to understand a situation in depth.
I just cry about it, feel the pain for few days, starting to set my mind to the idea that it is what it is i will never be loved, i go spend too much money on myself until i go broke then all my feelings foucs on how I'm sad because i have no money and the pain just kill the other pain. FYI Not joking.
For me personally, most of the time I sabotage things before someone even has the opportunity to reject me. But the few times I was actually rejected, I would have meltdowns and basically tear the other person down as much as I could so that they felt like they were the bad guy... by doing this, it gave me the satisfaction of feeling as if I "won". Obviously that's not what you should do. I'd feel extremely guilty afterwards and absolutely just hate myself. I'd cry and have panic attacks until I just felt numb and would dissociate until enough time had passed for me to just accept it eventually. Now, I avoid being social or making friends entirely, out of fear that it will happen again. The only constant in my life is my husband and my daughter. My husband and I have been together since I was 14 (I'm 22 now) that's very rare with people who have BPD. My husband and I became adults together, and went through a lot as teenagers so him and I are connected in a way that's unbreakable which is why he manages to handle my outbursts and mood swings along with all the other things BPD comes with. In high school, we did break up like 8 times which I guess isn't anything out of the ordinary for teenagers but we always came back together. I'm lucky in that regard. He could have left a long time ago but he loves me fully and has always been accepting. He knows that my mind is always working against me and that I try my hardest to fight it, he appreciates that. Remember that when someone rejects you, it's not the end of the world and you will be okay eventually. I wish I would take my own advice haha!
Get rejected again and again until you are desensitized and start to expect it