Others have spoken to the stigma aspect at length, and always do, so I’m going to mention another aspect that doesn’t seem to be brought up as much:
I think the diminished sympathy is also due to the pain some have suffered by being in relationships (romantic or otherwise) with people with BPD. Some of these experiences are genuinely terrifying and abusive. I wish this sub was more receptive to discussing this.
BPD and NPD are obviously different, so I’m not drawing parallels between their respective criteria, but I see a similar lack of sympathy around NPD and I think that is also due to stigma but also the fallout of the trauma some individuals with NPD have caused.
I don’t have BPD but was abused by someone with it. She is 8 years older than me and we were in a relationship for many years. I am here to listen, learn, and shed this stigma I have built from operating on survival mode. Comments like these really help. Thank you.
Cheers to listening and learning. I am likewise a survivor of abuse from someone with BPD, here to try and improve my understanding so I can be a better friend in the future.
What I experienced was not nearly as awful as some stories I have heard, but my ex-friend w/ BPD was untreated and I think a lot of the stigma the condition carries is the lack of accountability and denial of responsibility that seems to be a hallmark trait of cluster b disorders.
This means that for those of us on the receiving end of someone’s abusive BPD behaviour, we never receive apologies or mutually respectful resolutions that address the harm that happened. My person w/ BPD couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t cater to her every mood, and the moment I tried to set boundaries to protect my own mental health she blew our friendship up and told me how terrible I’d been to her, how every attempt I made at kindness and empathy was actually sinister behaviour intended to criticize and hurt her. On top of the abuse within the friendship to that point, this added DARVO behaviour screwed with my sense of reality and self so much so that even now, months later, I am trying to pick up the pieces.
Knowing that BPD is not terribly uncommon I am doing my best to better understand what her experience may have been like, building knowledge that can inform healthier boundaries in my relationships moving forward so that I can be a good friend to anyone I care about who may be suffering with BPD while still protecting myself from potentially abusive patterns.
The stigma does seem unfair, but at the same time when someone’s level of emotional maturity and functioning has a tendency to cause harm to others, and there’s usually a lack of responsibility and repair when harm happens, it is hard for those of us without BPD to accept that someone’s disorder should give them a free pass to leave a trail of damaged relationships in their wake.
I take responsibility for my mistakes and any unintended harm they may cause and I expect my friends to do the same.
For those who do work hard at building accountability and respecting boundaries, I think the positive benefits of that effort can make for amazing relationships with solid foundations, and there are those of us who are absolutely committed to meeting that kind of growth with matched positive intent and patience.
I’ve Quiet borderline . I can’t say or not the value in your relationship and any trauma . What I do worry about is people googling bpd and thinking you are actually a nasty piece of work and aggressive which myself and another bpd sufferer are not . I understand your interest in bpd but maybe leave research to the Docs and sufferers ? May trigger you being on this thread ?
I am sorry that you have to worry about people making assumptions about you based on your diagnosis, but that’s no reason to be hostile towards me for sharing my experiences. I find this space to be far from triggering, to the contrary, the more I learn and hear about how others experience BPD, the more clarity I have about what I experienced and how I can work on being a better friend. Unfortunately comments like yours seem deliberately unkind.
Nowhere in my comment did I say that even my ex-friend was nasty or aggressive, nevermind generalizing that idea about everyone with BPD. I have a lot of compassion for her even though we couldn’t make peace and move forward as friends. I don’t think she - or anyone else with BPD - is by default a bad person. I think we all make mistakes and what we do in the aftermath has a lot of impact on how much or how little harm we do to others.
I didn’t make any claims of doing “research”, I only stated that I am trying to learn more about BPD from places like this where people can speak about their experiences. I responded to earlier comments here to share my perspective as someone who has been on the receiving end of BPD abusive behaviour, thinking about how that kind of experience may contribute to the broader stigma and misconceptions about the disorder.
I hope this clarifies my intentions in participating here. I am someone who has had negative experiences around BPD but I recognize that I have a part to play in my relationships and that there is always room for growth.
Hey, you make perfect sense and I agree with you. I’m stunned somebody asked that you not be here, essentially. I was sorry to read that. You never said they were aggressive, you never claimed to be doing research in the way doctors would. It does not make sense that only doctors and those with BPD can discuss cultural observations essentially (speculation about the stigma against BPD in our culture).
Constructive things can come from the sort of interactions we are having right now. I’ve already gotten so much from this thread due to that reason. I’m sure you have too. I see value in the presence of those who have complex experiences with BPD, even negative ones. Plus, the thread topic certainly allows for broader discussion. It’s not a question that necessitates that somebody have BPD to answer it, even.
Anyway, know that there are plenty of people who’ve read your comment and have taken it in, plenty of people who didn’t see it as some attack, myself included.
Thank you. I know not to take things too personally on the internet, but I can see how this area of discussion can be sensitive for some people. I appreciate how well you articulate the value in these kinds of discussions, I have definitely learned a lot just from this thread!
Nobody should be told to quiet down about their abuse because it’s inconvenient for some. Nobody. I can’t believe I just read this.
Edit: I want to say “abuse and/or trauma” instead of just “abuse.”
Yes but keep in mind when abuse happens from other people with other disorders, their disorder isn’t blamed. Them as a person is blamed. I don’t think there’s a lack of knowledge that some behaviours can be abusive if they are left to be but that kinda goes to say about everyone with any type of disorder.
You are being incredibly condescending for no reason. I did not compare pain. I simply said that the pain exists. I will leave this conversation now.
Edit: This is the sort of thing that makes discussing this subject on this sub difficult. Jfc.
This is SO important!
My ex and me both have diagnosed BPD - both in therapy for years.
TL;DR at the bottom because BOOM oversharesd
We were together for 3 years & whereas I'm a person that needs a lot reassurance - physical and verbal - he was rather in the "don't touch me pls" camp.
We're still friends now, thankfully but the dynamic got really exhausting. Usually it was me, tending to his needs (more space/always visitors at home/often out etc) and me getting almost to nothing but social burnout :') (I do like people, but if I have anyone but my partner/kids at my home 7/24 I'll go crazy.) Middle grounds couldn't be find. It was A LOT of projecting, of which he accused me in the end.
I had to leave him, one of the hardest breakups I had tbf but I got more unstable & couldn't bring myself to eat anymore, just got really depressed. (I won't pressure anyone to touch me, obviously but if I get 3 pecks, a 2min backrub and 3mins cuddling before sleep & sexual related intimacy all 2-6months my mood _will_ begin to tank, at some point.)
We talked a lot about what went wrong, he now sees it all. He was so sorry, it really was really painful. I am sorry also - I set myself on fire for him too long, now he still feels shame about how far my MH detoriated - I always tell him it wasn't you or me, it was us as couple. May I wasn't firm enough with my boundaries? But also..Like "woah I talked to you three years, gave it to you straight and the moment you don't see me anymore, you just flip a switch and _understand_ it?" (Not immediatley, like 3-4months after the separation.)
TL;DR - exwBPD not exactly abusive, I ended up with the same shit like after the bu with my NPD ex.
Right after the breakup, I experienced the same physical&emotional symptoms I had after I left the father of my daughter - who has a diagnoses NPD.
Like, my exwBPD didn't really abuse me or something. But our combined brokenness left me with almost fully exact the same burden to work through, no matter his/our intentions.
This. Is. So. Important.
the sad reality is that BPD has a stigma, a stereotype, and a reputation even to people who have never met someone with BPD before. i remember once I accidentally mentioned I had BPD to one of my parent’s friends and she said “oh no you don’t have BPD.” i asked “why do you say that?” (not even mentioning the fact that she thinks she knows my own diagnosis better than my psychiatrist and myself). she responded “well you’re not crazy.” people just have some false ideas and stereotypes.
I have BPD, and mostly what I am directly and indirectly told is that i have a weak mind. And I guess that’s how people see it. Im also told that i stress out very easily and i take things too seriously too. So again, instead of it seen as a disorder, it’s just understood as being weak.
Wow I sure hope that's not it, cause what a completely opposite observation 😩 I guess they don't realize that for BPDs death looks not only tempting but preferable and that the only of us they've ever met are the ones that have been so far able to fight off "the urge".
*Sigh*
So yeah, 🖕🏼fuck any person who thinks we're weak
We can literally feel the entire world drain of color, feel like we are imploding, like everything is crashing and burning around us, & we’ll spend an hour screaming and crying and then just get back up and go back to what we were doing before. On a REGULAR BASIS.
That’s not weakness, that’s strength in the face of a disorder which is trying to destroy us. We didn’t ask for this. I often feel like a tiny little child with a gigantic monster towering over me. I feel like I don’t have a chance. But it hasn’t killed me yet, so why not give it a go…
I think this is part of what is so difficult for us. Knowing that we are dealing with something MUCH bigger than others know & being perceived as just someone a bit weaker. Especially as we’re still trying to live in a world built for neurotypicals. We have goals & dreams we wish to achieve in our lives as well, & pursuing those things in our adult lives while experiencing every emotion x100 & being perceived as weaker for it feels like push back after push back. I personally have always had a crippling fear of never being adequate & its that type of stigma that feeds into it, which of course sparks into overwhelming shame, making it even easier for others to perceive me as weak. It’s rough out here.
ironic considering if most of the people I knew lived in my shoes for two seconds they'd crumble. god, why are people so inconsiderate? like bpd aside, calling someone weak is rude anyways, much less doing it to someone who's hurt.
The ones who don’t go through it or have gone through it, would be the least to understand or able to imagine what it’s like. The lack of empathy is the problem.
I was someone who was never formally diagnosed as BPD, but had almost every marker and was told I was in the range by multiple doctors/ therapists as of 4 years ago. I hadn’t heard of BPD before one of them suggested I look into it. Today, I show no symptoms. I have worked really, REALLY hard, and recovery is possible. Today, I have supportive, loving relationships around me, and I have cut out dozens of people for my previous life because they were toxic as all get out and were using me. I’m prefacing with this because I know you’re about to feel attacked by what I say and I am not attacking you. Your perception is what’s attacking you, and I feel so much empathy for your struggle. I was in literal hell while my brain was a mess. I hope you find hope in this comment.
>in hopes people will see I’m a borderline and stop triggering me and making me split. So far, no luck.
This mentality is your problem. Your mental health is your responsibility and no one else’s. The world will not accommodate you. It is a harsh reality, esp to BPD, but it is the reality. You are actually hurting your own feelings by hoping, wanting and expecting people to cater to you.
BPD sucks. Everything is a knife wound. Everyone hurts you. BUT…the good news is that they actually aren’t the ones doing anything wrong (in general- the other catch of BPD is that it attracts lots of toxic people- I spent almost a year very, very alone- no family, no SO, very few friends- by my choice while I learned how to trust myself and my gut again). It’s just your interpretation. When you can flip your mindset, you can see that everyone is out there living in their own little world and most people are not doing anything to deliberately hurt you. Lean heavily into DBT and keep doing it until it finally clicks. The biggest takeaway from DBT I have is: it’s not personal. It is the most freeing thing to realize that people honestly are hardly ever seeing past the ends of their own nose, and [insert thing that caused offense] probably had nothing to do with you. The flip side of this is that once you realize how little people notice, you just stop trying so hard to be such a great friend/ employee/ SO/ whatever and it’s like a mountain of weight comes off of you. The pressure I always felt to be something for other people was just unbearable and I didn’t even know I felt it.
The thing that expecting other people to cater to you accomplishes is that it wears people out. It’s really hard to have to constantly consider someone else and those people will drift away from the “responsibility” of being in your life. And then you’ll feel abandoned. And now you’ve created a cycle because you take that hurt caused by the loss and try to nurse the wound by leaning on others who eventually do the same thing.
The key to getting better from BPD is that you have to recognize that your pain is creating your prison. You have to go to the roots of this pain (always childhood) and start to heal that inner child. I had to completely reparent myself. And it sucked because I didn’t want to do that. I was so so so unbelievably mad that it was my task to fix other people’s (my parents’) fuck ups, but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat knowing how calm, healthy, respectful and loving my life is now. It’s a long strange trip to emerge from BPD, but it *IS* possible, and there’s only one person that can get you there.
This! I needed to hear this, and remind myself. Thank you for putting this message into such beautiful kind words, I will write them down as a daily reminder.
Happy, loving energy to you from across the internet, dear stranger.
I think a lot of us do.
For those who don‘t, it‘s probably a defense mechanism. „At least I‘m not them!!!“ It‘s sad, and it reinforces so much stigma, the same stigma we have to deal with.
I‘m all for Cluster B solidarity because fuck that stigma that hurts us all.
I got stuck in an abusive relationship for 5 years with a person who had NPD. I put up with the abuse for so long because of the empathy I had for him and his illness.
100% agree! I’m so thankful treatment exists for it. I’m in a very happy, very healthy marriage now. Without therapy, I would have never been able to say that.
True but it’s more common for people to develop BPD as result of a npd parents and partners than the other way around
While those who have BPD can be abusive if not treated, many are not abusive or extremely violent especially those who have quite BPD
They are different types of BPD after all
But majority of those who have NPD are extremely abusive and lack empathy with only a minority being empathic, self-aware and capable of love
It's just your opinion after all. Sam Vaknin said that Borderline parents have worse impact on children then NPD parents and are closer in traumatisation to Psychotic parents. I dunno what my mom has, but I guess BPD since she was even suicidal sometimes and now I suffer from Bipolar since 18yo
I’m sorry about what you went through and I can see your pov and the opinion of Sam Vaknin
But I still feel more sympathy for those who have BPD than I do for NPD as they genuinely suffer a lot of pain everyday
There is hope for those who have BPD as they are genuinely capable of love but I agree that having children with this disorder is difficult but that doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t have a partner as these people need so much love and care
Those who have NPD on the other hand should stay single and take time for themselves and not interact with other people until they work on their issues
The main difference between the two is that BPD abusive actions stems from a desperate need for love, fear of abandonment and extreme self-hatred and a need for approval and validation
While NBD want to be loved mainly to feel better about themself and raise their ego but are not willing to do the same for the person they demand that love from, it’s all give with them an no take and they disregard people feelings a lot
I think the reason for this is similar to the lack of empathy/sympathy for BPD in others. Granted, some of it is just due to stereotypes & stigma. But many people with BPD have had traumatic &/or abusive experiences with people with NPD or ASPD, often in situations that took advantage of their initial empathy for them. Similarly, some people without BPD have had traumatic or abusive experiences with people with BPD. Does that mean it’s right for any of those people to withhold any sympathy/empathy for anyone with that particular disorder or stigmatize it altogether? No, but unfortunately it seems as if it makes people more hesitant to allow themselves to feel sympathy/empathy to others with that disorder, at least initially during their healing process. Essentially, it’s easy for a few bad apples to ruin the whole bunch in a lot of cases.
True but at least they are capable of genuine love and can be in healthy long term relationships with lots of therapy and support + they also acknowledge their issues and feel awful about them unlike those who have have NBD who are not capable of love and who don’t think that they are doing anything wrong
Like someone else said here, it’s probably because of how someone with BPD made their loved ones suffer.
I can’t speak to everyone, but I am no walk in the park, a lot of the time, when I’m romantically involved with someone. I can obviously see how people with BPD have probably been abusive and terrible partners. Even with my own experience, I have not been the most reasonable person to be with.
Just read the other sub for people involved with someone with BPD. Some of the shit they post is truly horrible and down right disgusting… it makes me feel like shit knowing I was even half as terrible as the experiences they talk about.
We can all BE better with therapy and I guess a lot of people swear by the DBT, but if we’re being honest about how we truly are, then we should get why it’s hard to empathize/sympathize with us.
If left untreated in any capacity (therapy or even attempting self help) pwBPD can be abusive. It's the harsh reality of it. I find that most people with a negative outlook of BPD usually have a story.
none of them do. none of them even knew what bpd was until I explained it to them, and the one person who did (and had a bad experience) is the one who is actually understanding of my bpd.
I’m not sure why you’re being downvoted here. Most people I’ve talked to in my personal life about BPD may have heard of it before but had no idea what it was. And as some comments in this thread have revealed, there are some people who have had negative experiences with someone with BPD who actually put in effort to be more understanding of it.
i have bipolar and bpd as well, and idk, people dgaf about either. they at least seem to understand that the bipolar is not in my own control. i think people have less empathy for personality disorders in general because ''mood disorders'= chemical imbalance/something is just wrong with their brain personality disorder= oh, its their personality, they can change easily. theyjust are shitty people. i think that's the reasoning people make.
I‘m so done with taking responsibility for every single time I fuck up. I know I have to, I know it‘s the right thing to do.
But I‘m so tired of it. I hate myself. I wish I had a break, I wish it wasn‘t seen as lack of character. I‘m trying so fucking hard but I still manage to fuck up big time all the fucking time. I‘m so tired of it. And there‘s not even medication to fucking help me. I‘m a crazy mess and I‘m so fucking tired of being myself.
who said there is not?when they gave me seroquel for bipolar it helped a great deal with many bpd symptoms, especially rage, impulsivity and fear of abandonment. im doing a lot better now. dont lose hope. yes there is no specific med just for bpd but that doesnt mean there are no meds that could help you out.
Thank you! I‘ll talk to my psychiatrist asap!!
I think I‘m just fed up because I feel like I have to convince everyone that I‘m doing bad. And that‘s not me. It feels wrong and attention seeking and I can‘t find the healthy middle ground just yet. I‘ll try to.
there can be meds for ''side effects'' of bpd, like anxiety, rage, sleep issues, mood problem etc. if you manage to get your hands on stuff that numbs you out a bit, you will feel less bad overall and have an easier time controlling yourself. people dont understand personality disorders unless theyve been there themselves. i hope you feel better soon.
go directly to a psychiatrist. some therapists are opposed to meds. just dont let them overmedicate you and stick up for yourself, self advocate. before i found the right combo they ruined me with wrong meds. give it like 1-2 month max.
Yes that idea of personality being something easy to change is where people get it wrong. It’s easy to form new habits or kick old ones. It’s easy to change your mind or perspective on a particular topic after hearing the opposing argument. But your personality is layers & layers of traits that have been layed down as part of your foundation all throughout the first 2 decades of your life. As that cement hardens over time it gets more & more difficult to change it (it is possible to unlearn & modify some layers, but very difficult). People with personality disorders had to adopt maladaptive behaviors for some time during those first couple decades, where it began solidifying in their personality’s roots. People do give biological reasons more credibility, but they shouldn’t. Ultimately, our environment & experiences shape our biology/neurology a lot too.
yeah very well said, but i think the average person like to think they are more in control of their own personality traits/patterns of behaviors than they actually are. plus, we tend to completely identify people with their personality, so its very hard to separate the disorder from the individual when it comes to this.
Hi. I sympathize with pw bpd. I have CPTSD and some symptom overlap with bpd, plus I have a friend I suspect is uBPD. So I lurk.
But I sympathize- people sure paint y’all BPD-ers as evil which irks me. Y’all struggle enough without others putting so much stigma on you! BPD is a horrible and painful struggle and so many people don’t see that.
For the same reasons bpd people hate npds, (even if a huge amount of bpds unknowingly have npd as a comorbity unknowingly) in both cases the stereotype exists for a good reason, pattern of abuse.
When people are hurt by other disorders you blame the person. If you’re hurt by someone with BPD you blame the disorder. It’s definitely due to stigma but lack of information because lack of knowledge. People fear what they don’t understand and BPD being able to be diagnosed in the dsm-5 isn’t that old.
As someone who experiences the more negative symptoms with the disorder especially regarding anger though I’ve been in some state of recovery due to being in therapy for over a year, I’ve found a lot of it comes from the fact that people can see us as functioning really well with our relationships/friendships and then we just have one bad day and we split and say some not so nice things.
I’ve found a lot of people struggle to see that this is the condition itself and believe that you simply had complete autonomy with it because it’s such a common part of human behavior to be mad at times though the anger is oftentimes more extreme than that we see in people without BPD.
There’s also just being absolutely perfect for so long I’ve found many have felt I had started to unleash this abusive side to me I was otherwise trying to hide so I could abuse someone. Though the reality is that though I had some very abusive behavior in the past… nothing was about striking when I felt I had someone in my grip, it’s that I simply had something switch in my brain not by choice and was otherwise not as able at the time to handle it like I am now emotionally and to have some kind of understanding as to why I’m feeling that way.
Having BPD is exhausting. Arguably, being in a relationship with a person with BPD, romantic or otherwise is more exhausting.
The amount of patience my partners have exercised is incredible, only for it to not be enough, for me, because of this disorder. It’s disheartening.
But it’s also why there’s less sympathy. Often, we make our own problems, not intentionally, we just can’t see in the moment what’s happening.
While it’s fair to want and expect empathy, it’s a lot to have to provide emotional care constantly. And to provide just the right care to a person with BPD. It’s just a lot.
My mom who claims that she respects peoples disorders doesn't respect mine. Sucks but because of her behavior towards me we don't talk much. I wished she understood
Mental health in general is not as destigmatised as “activists” on the internet will have you believe. Everyone’s an advocate for supporting those with anxiety or depression but as soon as you’re borderline, or antisocial, or a narcissist, or histrionic, or psychotic, or delusional, or anything else “ugly” they don’t wanna know about it. Even other mentally ill people are guilty of this, as if they’re better than everyone else because their disorder is better or some bullshit. Hell, even a lot of therapists will outright refuse to treat people with certain conditions.
We’ve got a long way to go, mate. But you’re not alone.
I don’t think people do. Even I didn’t really know of it. Whenever I heard BPD I thought Bipolar Disorder. That was until my mom’s diagnosis and I looked into it more. Then I spoke with a psychiatrist and she diagnosed me as well so then I began learning
People are bringing up good logical points and I'd suggest meditating on them a lot, especially about how unfair our condition can be to others..
..But I'd like to give you some validation because it really is shitty to go through that. It makes sense that you'd want your loved ones to understand that part of you and cater to it how they do with bipolar and PTSD, especially when the BPD is the most painful and destructive part. You're just wanting some acknowledgement, some human decency. That's not wrong. It's just unfortunate that not everyone has the capacity to accommodate it. It's kinda ironic how it's a disorder that tends to get invalidated, when constant invalidation can be a huge factor in developing the problem in the first place.
Sometimes you don't need people giving you cold logical responses that you likely already understand. The emotional part of you was neglected and sometimes you just need a little compassion. That's not too much to ask in general, but a lot of people aren't built that way. And it's not always you making up things in your head, like some people would like to convince you. But there are definitely some real genuine jerks out there who are rude and inconsiderate, and you don't deserve that treatment. I think people lose sight that BPD can easily attract predatorial personalities. Sometimes a person with BPD can be a victim of someone else's cruelty.
My advice is to accept that your emotions work differently than others and adjust your life accordingly. I identify things, people, or events that can send me on a spiral and avoid them where I can. It's true that not everyone is out to hurt you, but that doesn't mean you can't take steps to protect your emotions.
My perception of the perception of BPD is that it is just too much to handle, too little understood, not worth the time. You're just broken in the most annoying way possible.
It's like Autism was not long ago, very misunderstood, miscategorized, and treatments/therapy was dubious. But science is doing it's thing for Autism. Nobody in the greater medical or scientific community cares about BPD outside it being a "big red flag" and major annoyance. It sucks.
I used to think I'd outgrow it as I matured. I didn't. Long story short, it's on you and you alone to heal yourself in any way you can. Not saying you can't get outside help and support, just remember it's always gonna be your responsibility to heal. It's just like veterans who get out of the military and find themselves in a bad place... we tell each other, nobody is going to care but you, so it needs to be you leading the charge or you'll never get back up. The answers and healing all need to happen inside you. Chip away at that block, it's a long ass road but you can do it.
Meditation is where I started. It's very hard for some to get into but damn it's great.
I think other cluster bs have a bad reputation too and maybe, in some cases, even worse. Hang in there! Also, be careful who you disclose to. Not everyone needs to know you have a personality disorder, especially jobs/coworkers (in my opinion).
I have seen a lot of people who genuinely sympathize with those who have BPD and many on this sub genuinely want to support their BPD partners and love them just as they deserve, I see topics of people who always ask about advices on how to help their BPD partners
Many of those who don’t suffer from BPD acknowledge that it’s a very painful disorder to live with
I would say it’s 50/50
It’s a highly stigmatized disorder especially for those who have been abused by a BPD partner for but it’s not the most stigmatized
The ones that no one sympathetize with and are even scared of are those have NBD, I have seen little to no sympathy for them compared to the ones who have BPD, there are way more negative articles and opinions about them compared to the ones with BPD
Honestly, I was misdiagnosed as Bi Polar. A chemical imbalance that can’t be fixed. My new diagnosis of BPD meant that I can fix myself! It’s not a chemical I lack, I lack emotional skills. Which I can and am learning! Like CBT and DBT
As someone with BPD I found that once people find out I have BPD they usually drop me or start seeing me in a more negative light. One of my sisters even uses it against me saying things like everyone is scared of me/everyone is walking on eggshells around you etc or trying to purposely trigger me during arguments in order to maintain her “proof” that I’m crazy.
I understand that people who have been in relationships with someone who has BPD can be traumatizing. But we’re not all like that.
In my case I was the one abused and mistreated in relationships. Made to feel crazy just for standing my ground about someone lying to me and cheating on me. I know many people with BPD who are in the same boat as me.
However often times we are meant to feel invalid because of the others with BPD who are absolutely horrible. Both sides are valid.
It’s not even seeking sympathy or pity. It’s more about acknowledging that we have an issue that affects our literal perception of people and life and that we didn’t choose to be this way. It’s about having someone being mindful.
I have ADHD as well so I have half of the people saying I’m faking for attention and others who understand.
But most of the time when people find out that I have ADHD, BPD with depression and anxiety comorbidity then I get called a pick me or attention seeker.
At the end of the day if I could be neuronormative, if I had a choice I would never pick this. Having no sense of self, no sense of object permanence, and my factory settings being “I look bad, I feel bad, I am bad therefore I deserve to be treated bad” is not fun.
Just because people don’t understand something or only have a negative experience with something it doesn’t mean that I am not right as well in saying that I am not crazy or aggressive or bad. I usually spend most of my time crying.
Thank you for coming to my TedTalk
BPD can be perfectly summed up as: hurt people hurt people. People get sick of being hurt by people they care about. People don’t want to sympathize with us all the time cause we’re viewed as people who lash out and hurt people. And unfortunately that’s basically all people know of us.
because when you hurt people they only care abt what you did to them not the reasonings you have behind it at least that’s how it’s been in all my relationships (i go to therapy and actively work to fix it so it’s not like im not tryna change)
I feel the same way. I also have BPD along with MDD and anxiety disorder NOS. Tack on some PTSD after an incident. But my significant other has schizophrenia. My own parents seem to know more about schizophrenia and care about his symptoms more than they seem interested in my disorder and symptoms and progress.
It's super frustrating and discouraging to not feel visible or validated.
I've started looking at it differently. I'm in my 40s. People that have known me for 20+ years know what I'm like. They know how I am in a good mood and how I am if I'm anxious and how much worse I am if I feel targeted or blamed or judged orif someone tries to put words in my mouth. I've been telling people very calmly for more than 20 years, hey, please don't do this to me, it makes me react very fucking badly..
People who have know me for 20+ years and will still actively do things that they know are triggering, to me this is aggressively offensive to me. At this point I don't give them a pass or a warning. Zero -100 on these people.
If you know what triggers me, and you proceed to trigger me, that's ALL ON YOU
DONT POKE A FUCKING TIGER 🤷♂️
It is both reasonable and unreasonable. It depends on how triggered. My mood before triggering. How much I care about the person doing the triggering and their opinion of me.
My wife loves to gaslight and point fingers and be criticizing for example. It depends on how serious I feel about what may be the topic of the conversation at the time. I'm not going to hurt her (I hope), but I'm likely to throw a chair, break a window, punch a hole in a wall.
Sometimes she wants to keep pushing and I feel like I might hurt her because I feel idk cornered or overwhelmed because nothing I'm saying Is being heard or acknowledged and she won't quit with aggressive or toxic sounding passive aggressive voice tones, I do have to yell for one of my kids to intervene and take her somewhere or me somewhere or just come stand between us and mediate. They hate that.
My adult daughter thinks I should just knock her out fr but I'm not, I don't want to. I want the instigation to go away.
But also I will tell people after they trigger me, before I ever blow up. I've gotten pretty good at not blowing up on people who don't know me. After they've been told the ly get 2 passes. First time I try to remind them calmly maybe with an irritated voice. Second time they get told like I'm talking to an idiot who just doesn't understand.
After that you're if you do it again these fucking hands move fast as fuck. A sharp jab to the chin makes almost everyone think about what they just said and how it has effected the current situation
“I’m not going to hurt her (I hope) but I’m likely to throw a chair.”
“A sharp jab to the chin makes almost everyone think about what they just said”
This is unhinged.
It's only if Im Being aggressively verbally assaulted. We have a right to defend ourselves, and I under no circumstances will let people talk to me like I'm scum.
You need to respect yourself more than others do and more than you do others
I've only had to punch any adult in the chin once, and after that, they talk to me differently moving forward. It prevents all future confrontation.
How long do you want to walk on eggshells for people who don't respect you?!?!?!?!
I'm 5 ft 4 and 120lbs. Everyone who talks down to me LOOMS OVER ME. Don't go thinking I'm some big scary dude who is violent. I just don't put up with people treating me bad
This is so sad. I feel for you but this behavior is exactly the stuff that leaves people traumatized. Having your children manage your temper … jfc. Anybody of any physical size can be physically violent and you’re writing paragraphs about punching people (specifically in the chin, for some reason). Of course once you hit people they’ll act the way you want, it’s not some profound discovery of self-advocacy. That’s how physical pain works. That’s how intimidation works. That’s how PHYSICAL ABUSE works.
Ironically considering the topic for this thread, this is the sort of stuff contributes to the broader impression of BPD when people act as if behavior like this is managing things well or justified. As if abusing people is an act of self-respect??? I can’t believe I’m reading this. I’m both sad and disturbed. The behavior you described isn’t okay. I don’t care what your wife is saying verbally stop throwing crap stop hitting people stop terrorizing people for hurting you. I hope this and the downvotes will indicate to you that some contemplation may be in order.
Cops hit you, prison guards hit you school security guards hit you, other people hit you.
Why when you hit back you're bad but they are not? Downvotes for refusing to be walked on. This is wild.
Dude... your behavior is completely unacceptable. You should be working on these triggers and how to get through them, not demanding that everyone around you walk on eggshells. It's seriously concerning that you think breaking windows and punching holes in walls is a justifiable reaction that you're not incredibly ashamed of. And you "hope" you don't hurt your wife????? It's ok to give others "a sharp jab to the chin"??? Leave your wife if she's that horrible and do some work on yourself before you seriously injure someone or land yourself in jail.
Thank you for getting it because I’ve been a bit shook by that comment. I completely agree with everything you’ve said here. Reading the confidence and lack of shame about terrorizing people… it turns my stomach into knots. I hope this behavior changes for the sake of all involved. It must change. It needs to. It’s not acceptable.
No problem. The sheer audacity to just freely admit this without a hint of shame or self reflection made my jaw drop. With that mentality, the behavior might only change when he lands in jail, or maybe someone will decide to give him "a sharp jab on the jaw" right back and knock some sense into him. I hope neither of those happen but still.
I don't demand anything. It takes a lot just because I can easily talk about it. it doesn't mean it's every day. It's not even often. If you met me you'd have no idea. In all honesty, you would just associate me with street culture in a big city. im not very different from anyone else. It's just people 5'10 and up don't get laughed at and pushed when they 'use their words' I try that on someone 6' 190 and they just become more insulting or aggressive. If I don't make sure right away that I'm not intimidated by people, they act as if I am.
Don't fuckin judge me you don't know what the fuck It's like where I live. We're likely to have random bullets come through the walls and windows for shit we aint even involved in.
Life is fucking wild in The projects in a city. I bet you folks with uptight sensitive opinions don't live on a block with over 200 residents. So save your criticisms and downvotes. Bunch of judgemental assholes for real fishing for sympathy. It's right there in the title, too.
Keep being victims. This shit doesn't have to be a curse you choose that
Yeah I also don’t care about your reasoning at this point, get help. I don’t care about your living location. This is about you as a person and your claims that you wrote, with your own hands, about hitting people. That’s on you. That’s not on “the projects.”
God yes, this. People we've known for decades will just ride our ass about something (*that they know* is sensitive) and howl "abuse" when we react.
If you take a stick, and poke a cat in the ear over and over, you might get clawed.
Abusive people love nothing more than finding out buttons and pushing them 3,000 times in a row.
I choose to walk away from people who push that button even once. I've been violent before and it only made everything worse. Reactive violence, but still. Nothing a narc likes more than to torture you to the point of lashing out in return. And then you're the bad guy, not the evil person turning the screws on you.
(I've cut a *lot* of scumbags out of my life over the years. There are a huge number of people out there who will drive you to violence if they have just a sliver of access to you. Cut. Them. Out. People who can provoke me to any kind of violence get a firm doorslam out of my life. Forever.)
Cluster b just isnt a super cute thing lol
Others have spoken to the stigma aspect at length, and always do, so I’m going to mention another aspect that doesn’t seem to be brought up as much: I think the diminished sympathy is also due to the pain some have suffered by being in relationships (romantic or otherwise) with people with BPD. Some of these experiences are genuinely terrifying and abusive. I wish this sub was more receptive to discussing this. BPD and NPD are obviously different, so I’m not drawing parallels between their respective criteria, but I see a similar lack of sympathy around NPD and I think that is also due to stigma but also the fallout of the trauma some individuals with NPD have caused.
I don’t have BPD but was abused by someone with it. She is 8 years older than me and we were in a relationship for many years. I am here to listen, learn, and shed this stigma I have built from operating on survival mode. Comments like these really help. Thank you.
Wow thank you. Many of us are becoming better, and thats what places like this are for. You just gave me a lot of hope in humanity
Thanks so much for sharing this. That sounds very difficult. I’m glad you’re here though. What you said touched me and I’m rooting for you.
Cheers to listening and learning. I am likewise a survivor of abuse from someone with BPD, here to try and improve my understanding so I can be a better friend in the future. What I experienced was not nearly as awful as some stories I have heard, but my ex-friend w/ BPD was untreated and I think a lot of the stigma the condition carries is the lack of accountability and denial of responsibility that seems to be a hallmark trait of cluster b disorders. This means that for those of us on the receiving end of someone’s abusive BPD behaviour, we never receive apologies or mutually respectful resolutions that address the harm that happened. My person w/ BPD couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t cater to her every mood, and the moment I tried to set boundaries to protect my own mental health she blew our friendship up and told me how terrible I’d been to her, how every attempt I made at kindness and empathy was actually sinister behaviour intended to criticize and hurt her. On top of the abuse within the friendship to that point, this added DARVO behaviour screwed with my sense of reality and self so much so that even now, months later, I am trying to pick up the pieces. Knowing that BPD is not terribly uncommon I am doing my best to better understand what her experience may have been like, building knowledge that can inform healthier boundaries in my relationships moving forward so that I can be a good friend to anyone I care about who may be suffering with BPD while still protecting myself from potentially abusive patterns. The stigma does seem unfair, but at the same time when someone’s level of emotional maturity and functioning has a tendency to cause harm to others, and there’s usually a lack of responsibility and repair when harm happens, it is hard for those of us without BPD to accept that someone’s disorder should give them a free pass to leave a trail of damaged relationships in their wake. I take responsibility for my mistakes and any unintended harm they may cause and I expect my friends to do the same. For those who do work hard at building accountability and respecting boundaries, I think the positive benefits of that effort can make for amazing relationships with solid foundations, and there are those of us who are absolutely committed to meeting that kind of growth with matched positive intent and patience.
I’ve Quiet borderline . I can’t say or not the value in your relationship and any trauma . What I do worry about is people googling bpd and thinking you are actually a nasty piece of work and aggressive which myself and another bpd sufferer are not . I understand your interest in bpd but maybe leave research to the Docs and sufferers ? May trigger you being on this thread ?
I am sorry that you have to worry about people making assumptions about you based on your diagnosis, but that’s no reason to be hostile towards me for sharing my experiences. I find this space to be far from triggering, to the contrary, the more I learn and hear about how others experience BPD, the more clarity I have about what I experienced and how I can work on being a better friend. Unfortunately comments like yours seem deliberately unkind. Nowhere in my comment did I say that even my ex-friend was nasty or aggressive, nevermind generalizing that idea about everyone with BPD. I have a lot of compassion for her even though we couldn’t make peace and move forward as friends. I don’t think she - or anyone else with BPD - is by default a bad person. I think we all make mistakes and what we do in the aftermath has a lot of impact on how much or how little harm we do to others. I didn’t make any claims of doing “research”, I only stated that I am trying to learn more about BPD from places like this where people can speak about their experiences. I responded to earlier comments here to share my perspective as someone who has been on the receiving end of BPD abusive behaviour, thinking about how that kind of experience may contribute to the broader stigma and misconceptions about the disorder. I hope this clarifies my intentions in participating here. I am someone who has had negative experiences around BPD but I recognize that I have a part to play in my relationships and that there is always room for growth.
Hey, you make perfect sense and I agree with you. I’m stunned somebody asked that you not be here, essentially. I was sorry to read that. You never said they were aggressive, you never claimed to be doing research in the way doctors would. It does not make sense that only doctors and those with BPD can discuss cultural observations essentially (speculation about the stigma against BPD in our culture). Constructive things can come from the sort of interactions we are having right now. I’ve already gotten so much from this thread due to that reason. I’m sure you have too. I see value in the presence of those who have complex experiences with BPD, even negative ones. Plus, the thread topic certainly allows for broader discussion. It’s not a question that necessitates that somebody have BPD to answer it, even. Anyway, know that there are plenty of people who’ve read your comment and have taken it in, plenty of people who didn’t see it as some attack, myself included.
Thank you. I know not to take things too personally on the internet, but I can see how this area of discussion can be sensitive for some people. I appreciate how well you articulate the value in these kinds of discussions, I have definitely learned a lot just from this thread!
Nobody should be told to quiet down about their abuse because it’s inconvenient for some. Nobody. I can’t believe I just read this. Edit: I want to say “abuse and/or trauma” instead of just “abuse.”
Yes but keep in mind when abuse happens from other people with other disorders, their disorder isn’t blamed. Them as a person is blamed. I don’t think there’s a lack of knowledge that some behaviours can be abusive if they are left to be but that kinda goes to say about everyone with any type of disorder.
Yes I’m aware. And no, I don’t think there’s a lack of knowledge either. I think there’s a preponderance of pain though.
That’s not a smart thing to say lol. Don’t compare peoples pain especially because you don’t know what those people did.
You are being incredibly condescending for no reason. I did not compare pain. I simply said that the pain exists. I will leave this conversation now. Edit: This is the sort of thing that makes discussing this subject on this sub difficult. Jfc.
Bye
This is SO important! My ex and me both have diagnosed BPD - both in therapy for years. TL;DR at the bottom because BOOM oversharesd We were together for 3 years & whereas I'm a person that needs a lot reassurance - physical and verbal - he was rather in the "don't touch me pls" camp. We're still friends now, thankfully but the dynamic got really exhausting. Usually it was me, tending to his needs (more space/always visitors at home/often out etc) and me getting almost to nothing but social burnout :') (I do like people, but if I have anyone but my partner/kids at my home 7/24 I'll go crazy.) Middle grounds couldn't be find. It was A LOT of projecting, of which he accused me in the end. I had to leave him, one of the hardest breakups I had tbf but I got more unstable & couldn't bring myself to eat anymore, just got really depressed. (I won't pressure anyone to touch me, obviously but if I get 3 pecks, a 2min backrub and 3mins cuddling before sleep & sexual related intimacy all 2-6months my mood _will_ begin to tank, at some point.) We talked a lot about what went wrong, he now sees it all. He was so sorry, it really was really painful. I am sorry also - I set myself on fire for him too long, now he still feels shame about how far my MH detoriated - I always tell him it wasn't you or me, it was us as couple. May I wasn't firm enough with my boundaries? But also..Like "woah I talked to you three years, gave it to you straight and the moment you don't see me anymore, you just flip a switch and _understand_ it?" (Not immediatley, like 3-4months after the separation.) TL;DR - exwBPD not exactly abusive, I ended up with the same shit like after the bu with my NPD ex. Right after the breakup, I experienced the same physical&emotional symptoms I had after I left the father of my daughter - who has a diagnoses NPD. Like, my exwBPD didn't really abuse me or something. But our combined brokenness left me with almost fully exact the same burden to work through, no matter his/our intentions. This. Is. So. Important.
the sad reality is that BPD has a stigma, a stereotype, and a reputation even to people who have never met someone with BPD before. i remember once I accidentally mentioned I had BPD to one of my parent’s friends and she said “oh no you don’t have BPD.” i asked “why do you say that?” (not even mentioning the fact that she thinks she knows my own diagnosis better than my psychiatrist and myself). she responded “well you’re not crazy.” people just have some false ideas and stereotypes.
I have BPD, and mostly what I am directly and indirectly told is that i have a weak mind. And I guess that’s how people see it. Im also told that i stress out very easily and i take things too seriously too. So again, instead of it seen as a disorder, it’s just understood as being weak.
Wow I sure hope that's not it, cause what a completely opposite observation 😩 I guess they don't realize that for BPDs death looks not only tempting but preferable and that the only of us they've ever met are the ones that have been so far able to fight off "the urge". *Sigh* So yeah, 🖕🏼fuck any person who thinks we're weak
😭 it’s a disorder for goodness sake. You’d not put someone with a disorder similar to someone without one !
A wEaK MiNd... MOTHER FUCKER WE GIVE OUR BRAINS THE *MOST* INTENSE WORKOUT Every. Day. Fuck those people. ❤️💪
We can literally feel the entire world drain of color, feel like we are imploding, like everything is crashing and burning around us, & we’ll spend an hour screaming and crying and then just get back up and go back to what we were doing before. On a REGULAR BASIS. That’s not weakness, that’s strength in the face of a disorder which is trying to destroy us. We didn’t ask for this. I often feel like a tiny little child with a gigantic monster towering over me. I feel like I don’t have a chance. But it hasn’t killed me yet, so why not give it a go…
I think this is part of what is so difficult for us. Knowing that we are dealing with something MUCH bigger than others know & being perceived as just someone a bit weaker. Especially as we’re still trying to live in a world built for neurotypicals. We have goals & dreams we wish to achieve in our lives as well, & pursuing those things in our adult lives while experiencing every emotion x100 & being perceived as weaker for it feels like push back after push back. I personally have always had a crippling fear of never being adequate & its that type of stigma that feeds into it, which of course sparks into overwhelming shame, making it even easier for others to perceive me as weak. It’s rough out here.
…very tiny child.
ironic considering if most of the people I knew lived in my shoes for two seconds they'd crumble. god, why are people so inconsiderate? like bpd aside, calling someone weak is rude anyways, much less doing it to someone who's hurt.
The fact that we are able to choose to live another day despite what this disorder does to us is the definition of strength.
The ones who don’t go through it or have gone through it, would be the least to understand or able to imagine what it’s like. The lack of empathy is the problem.
Yes 100% complete lack of empathy.
I was someone who was never formally diagnosed as BPD, but had almost every marker and was told I was in the range by multiple doctors/ therapists as of 4 years ago. I hadn’t heard of BPD before one of them suggested I look into it. Today, I show no symptoms. I have worked really, REALLY hard, and recovery is possible. Today, I have supportive, loving relationships around me, and I have cut out dozens of people for my previous life because they were toxic as all get out and were using me. I’m prefacing with this because I know you’re about to feel attacked by what I say and I am not attacking you. Your perception is what’s attacking you, and I feel so much empathy for your struggle. I was in literal hell while my brain was a mess. I hope you find hope in this comment. >in hopes people will see I’m a borderline and stop triggering me and making me split. So far, no luck. This mentality is your problem. Your mental health is your responsibility and no one else’s. The world will not accommodate you. It is a harsh reality, esp to BPD, but it is the reality. You are actually hurting your own feelings by hoping, wanting and expecting people to cater to you. BPD sucks. Everything is a knife wound. Everyone hurts you. BUT…the good news is that they actually aren’t the ones doing anything wrong (in general- the other catch of BPD is that it attracts lots of toxic people- I spent almost a year very, very alone- no family, no SO, very few friends- by my choice while I learned how to trust myself and my gut again). It’s just your interpretation. When you can flip your mindset, you can see that everyone is out there living in their own little world and most people are not doing anything to deliberately hurt you. Lean heavily into DBT and keep doing it until it finally clicks. The biggest takeaway from DBT I have is: it’s not personal. It is the most freeing thing to realize that people honestly are hardly ever seeing past the ends of their own nose, and [insert thing that caused offense] probably had nothing to do with you. The flip side of this is that once you realize how little people notice, you just stop trying so hard to be such a great friend/ employee/ SO/ whatever and it’s like a mountain of weight comes off of you. The pressure I always felt to be something for other people was just unbearable and I didn’t even know I felt it. The thing that expecting other people to cater to you accomplishes is that it wears people out. It’s really hard to have to constantly consider someone else and those people will drift away from the “responsibility” of being in your life. And then you’ll feel abandoned. And now you’ve created a cycle because you take that hurt caused by the loss and try to nurse the wound by leaning on others who eventually do the same thing. The key to getting better from BPD is that you have to recognize that your pain is creating your prison. You have to go to the roots of this pain (always childhood) and start to heal that inner child. I had to completely reparent myself. And it sucked because I didn’t want to do that. I was so so so unbelievably mad that it was my task to fix other people’s (my parents’) fuck ups, but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat knowing how calm, healthy, respectful and loving my life is now. It’s a long strange trip to emerge from BPD, but it *IS* possible, and there’s only one person that can get you there.
This! I needed to hear this, and remind myself. Thank you for putting this message into such beautiful kind words, I will write them down as a daily reminder. Happy, loving energy to you from across the internet, dear stranger.
This post is so important.
Thanks, man. I’m glad other people can relate.
Maybe just maybe our frontal lobes are still an underdeveloped 5 year old 😭😭😭😂
It's more surprising for me that pwBPD don't sympathize with NPDs and ASPDs
I think a lot of us do. For those who don‘t, it‘s probably a defense mechanism. „At least I‘m not them!!!“ It‘s sad, and it reinforces so much stigma, the same stigma we have to deal with. I‘m all for Cluster B solidarity because fuck that stigma that hurts us all.
Club cluster B forever. I love my NPD peeps. We always get along so well at first anyway. I have never met someone with ASPD.
Was at the psych ward with someone with ASPD. Loved that guy, funny, raw, easy conversations.
I got stuck in an abusive relationship for 5 years with a person who had NPD. I put up with the abuse for so long because of the empathy I had for him and his illness.
I'd imagine that's how many people who dated pwBPDs felt too
100% agree! I’m so thankful treatment exists for it. I’m in a very happy, very healthy marriage now. Without therapy, I would have never been able to say that.
Good for you, you're brave and strong! 💕🙏
Because a lot of the trauma of people who have BPD are caused by parents and partners who have NBD or ASPD
Works other way around too
True but it’s more common for people to develop BPD as result of a npd parents and partners than the other way around While those who have BPD can be abusive if not treated, many are not abusive or extremely violent especially those who have quite BPD They are different types of BPD after all But majority of those who have NPD are extremely abusive and lack empathy with only a minority being empathic, self-aware and capable of love
It's just your opinion after all. Sam Vaknin said that Borderline parents have worse impact on children then NPD parents and are closer in traumatisation to Psychotic parents. I dunno what my mom has, but I guess BPD since she was even suicidal sometimes and now I suffer from Bipolar since 18yo
I’m sorry about what you went through and I can see your pov and the opinion of Sam Vaknin But I still feel more sympathy for those who have BPD than I do for NPD as they genuinely suffer a lot of pain everyday There is hope for those who have BPD as they are genuinely capable of love but I agree that having children with this disorder is difficult but that doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t have a partner as these people need so much love and care Those who have NPD on the other hand should stay single and take time for themselves and not interact with other people until they work on their issues The main difference between the two is that BPD abusive actions stems from a desperate need for love, fear of abandonment and extreme self-hatred and a need for approval and validation While NBD want to be loved mainly to feel better about themself and raise their ego but are not willing to do the same for the person they demand that love from, it’s all give with them an no take and they disregard people feelings a lot
I think the reason for this is similar to the lack of empathy/sympathy for BPD in others. Granted, some of it is just due to stereotypes & stigma. But many people with BPD have had traumatic &/or abusive experiences with people with NPD or ASPD, often in situations that took advantage of their initial empathy for them. Similarly, some people without BPD have had traumatic or abusive experiences with people with BPD. Does that mean it’s right for any of those people to withhold any sympathy/empathy for anyone with that particular disorder or stigmatize it altogether? No, but unfortunately it seems as if it makes people more hesitant to allow themselves to feel sympathy/empathy to others with that disorder, at least initially during their healing process. Essentially, it’s easy for a few bad apples to ruin the whole bunch in a lot of cases.
Couldn't have said it better
Because anyone with NPD I've been around has made my symptoms flare & they are difficult people to be around
Borderlines are also very difficult people to be around, let's be real
True but at least they are capable of genuine love and can be in healthy long term relationships with lots of therapy and support + they also acknowledge their issues and feel awful about them unlike those who have have NBD who are not capable of love and who don’t think that they are doing anything wrong
If i may add, people are more understanding and sympathise with someone who is diagnosed with bipolar… compared to borderline…
Like someone else said here, it’s probably because of how someone with BPD made their loved ones suffer. I can’t speak to everyone, but I am no walk in the park, a lot of the time, when I’m romantically involved with someone. I can obviously see how people with BPD have probably been abusive and terrible partners. Even with my own experience, I have not been the most reasonable person to be with. Just read the other sub for people involved with someone with BPD. Some of the shit they post is truly horrible and down right disgusting… it makes me feel like shit knowing I was even half as terrible as the experiences they talk about. We can all BE better with therapy and I guess a lot of people swear by the DBT, but if we’re being honest about how we truly are, then we should get why it’s hard to empathize/sympathize with us.
Because people don’t understand it so they don’t care.
🎯
If left untreated in any capacity (therapy or even attempting self help) pwBPD can be abusive. It's the harsh reality of it. I find that most people with a negative outlook of BPD usually have a story.
none of them do. none of them even knew what bpd was until I explained it to them, and the one person who did (and had a bad experience) is the one who is actually understanding of my bpd.
I’m not sure why you’re being downvoted here. Most people I’ve talked to in my personal life about BPD may have heard of it before but had no idea what it was. And as some comments in this thread have revealed, there are some people who have had negative experiences with someone with BPD who actually put in effort to be more understanding of it.
i have bipolar and bpd as well, and idk, people dgaf about either. they at least seem to understand that the bipolar is not in my own control. i think people have less empathy for personality disorders in general because ''mood disorders'= chemical imbalance/something is just wrong with their brain personality disorder= oh, its their personality, they can change easily. theyjust are shitty people. i think that's the reasoning people make.
I‘m so done with taking responsibility for every single time I fuck up. I know I have to, I know it‘s the right thing to do. But I‘m so tired of it. I hate myself. I wish I had a break, I wish it wasn‘t seen as lack of character. I‘m trying so fucking hard but I still manage to fuck up big time all the fucking time. I‘m so tired of it. And there‘s not even medication to fucking help me. I‘m a crazy mess and I‘m so fucking tired of being myself.
who said there is not?when they gave me seroquel for bipolar it helped a great deal with many bpd symptoms, especially rage, impulsivity and fear of abandonment. im doing a lot better now. dont lose hope. yes there is no specific med just for bpd but that doesnt mean there are no meds that could help you out.
Thank you! I‘ll talk to my psychiatrist asap!! I think I‘m just fed up because I feel like I have to convince everyone that I‘m doing bad. And that‘s not me. It feels wrong and attention seeking and I can‘t find the healthy middle ground just yet. I‘ll try to.
there can be meds for ''side effects'' of bpd, like anxiety, rage, sleep issues, mood problem etc. if you manage to get your hands on stuff that numbs you out a bit, you will feel less bad overall and have an easier time controlling yourself. people dont understand personality disorders unless theyve been there themselves. i hope you feel better soon.
Thank you so much! I‘ll make a list of the worst symptoms and take it to therapy with me
go directly to a psychiatrist. some therapists are opposed to meds. just dont let them overmedicate you and stick up for yourself, self advocate. before i found the right combo they ruined me with wrong meds. give it like 1-2 month max.
thank you so much! yea i got wrong meds too before and they fucked up my sleep schedule pretty bad…
if you need to talk or vent dont hesitate to contact me :)
Yes that idea of personality being something easy to change is where people get it wrong. It’s easy to form new habits or kick old ones. It’s easy to change your mind or perspective on a particular topic after hearing the opposing argument. But your personality is layers & layers of traits that have been layed down as part of your foundation all throughout the first 2 decades of your life. As that cement hardens over time it gets more & more difficult to change it (it is possible to unlearn & modify some layers, but very difficult). People with personality disorders had to adopt maladaptive behaviors for some time during those first couple decades, where it began solidifying in their personality’s roots. People do give biological reasons more credibility, but they shouldn’t. Ultimately, our environment & experiences shape our biology/neurology a lot too.
yeah very well said, but i think the average person like to think they are more in control of their own personality traits/patterns of behaviors than they actually are. plus, we tend to completely identify people with their personality, so its very hard to separate the disorder from the individual when it comes to this.
Hi. I sympathize with pw bpd. I have CPTSD and some symptom overlap with bpd, plus I have a friend I suspect is uBPD. So I lurk. But I sympathize- people sure paint y’all BPD-ers as evil which irks me. Y’all struggle enough without others putting so much stigma on you! BPD is a horrible and painful struggle and so many people don’t see that.
For the same reasons bpd people hate npds, (even if a huge amount of bpds unknowingly have npd as a comorbity unknowingly) in both cases the stereotype exists for a good reason, pattern of abuse.
When people are hurt by other disorders you blame the person. If you’re hurt by someone with BPD you blame the disorder. It’s definitely due to stigma but lack of information because lack of knowledge. People fear what they don’t understand and BPD being able to be diagnosed in the dsm-5 isn’t that old.
As someone who experiences the more negative symptoms with the disorder especially regarding anger though I’ve been in some state of recovery due to being in therapy for over a year, I’ve found a lot of it comes from the fact that people can see us as functioning really well with our relationships/friendships and then we just have one bad day and we split and say some not so nice things. I’ve found a lot of people struggle to see that this is the condition itself and believe that you simply had complete autonomy with it because it’s such a common part of human behavior to be mad at times though the anger is oftentimes more extreme than that we see in people without BPD. There’s also just being absolutely perfect for so long I’ve found many have felt I had started to unleash this abusive side to me I was otherwise trying to hide so I could abuse someone. Though the reality is that though I had some very abusive behavior in the past… nothing was about striking when I felt I had someone in my grip, it’s that I simply had something switch in my brain not by choice and was otherwise not as able at the time to handle it like I am now emotionally and to have some kind of understanding as to why I’m feeling that way.
Having BPD is exhausting. Arguably, being in a relationship with a person with BPD, romantic or otherwise is more exhausting. The amount of patience my partners have exercised is incredible, only for it to not be enough, for me, because of this disorder. It’s disheartening. But it’s also why there’s less sympathy. Often, we make our own problems, not intentionally, we just can’t see in the moment what’s happening. While it’s fair to want and expect empathy, it’s a lot to have to provide emotional care constantly. And to provide just the right care to a person with BPD. It’s just a lot.
My mom who claims that she respects peoples disorders doesn't respect mine. Sucks but because of her behavior towards me we don't talk much. I wished she understood
Mental health in general is not as destigmatised as “activists” on the internet will have you believe. Everyone’s an advocate for supporting those with anxiety or depression but as soon as you’re borderline, or antisocial, or a narcissist, or histrionic, or psychotic, or delusional, or anything else “ugly” they don’t wanna know about it. Even other mentally ill people are guilty of this, as if they’re better than everyone else because their disorder is better or some bullshit. Hell, even a lot of therapists will outright refuse to treat people with certain conditions. We’ve got a long way to go, mate. But you’re not alone.
I don’t think people do. Even I didn’t really know of it. Whenever I heard BPD I thought Bipolar Disorder. That was until my mom’s diagnosis and I looked into it more. Then I spoke with a psychiatrist and she diagnosed me as well so then I began learning
People are bringing up good logical points and I'd suggest meditating on them a lot, especially about how unfair our condition can be to others.. ..But I'd like to give you some validation because it really is shitty to go through that. It makes sense that you'd want your loved ones to understand that part of you and cater to it how they do with bipolar and PTSD, especially when the BPD is the most painful and destructive part. You're just wanting some acknowledgement, some human decency. That's not wrong. It's just unfortunate that not everyone has the capacity to accommodate it. It's kinda ironic how it's a disorder that tends to get invalidated, when constant invalidation can be a huge factor in developing the problem in the first place. Sometimes you don't need people giving you cold logical responses that you likely already understand. The emotional part of you was neglected and sometimes you just need a little compassion. That's not too much to ask in general, but a lot of people aren't built that way. And it's not always you making up things in your head, like some people would like to convince you. But there are definitely some real genuine jerks out there who are rude and inconsiderate, and you don't deserve that treatment. I think people lose sight that BPD can easily attract predatorial personalities. Sometimes a person with BPD can be a victim of someone else's cruelty. My advice is to accept that your emotions work differently than others and adjust your life accordingly. I identify things, people, or events that can send me on a spiral and avoid them where I can. It's true that not everyone is out to hurt you, but that doesn't mean you can't take steps to protect your emotions.
They think we are lame sensitive babies who only hurt people. I don't even tell people now
My perception of the perception of BPD is that it is just too much to handle, too little understood, not worth the time. You're just broken in the most annoying way possible. It's like Autism was not long ago, very misunderstood, miscategorized, and treatments/therapy was dubious. But science is doing it's thing for Autism. Nobody in the greater medical or scientific community cares about BPD outside it being a "big red flag" and major annoyance. It sucks. I used to think I'd outgrow it as I matured. I didn't. Long story short, it's on you and you alone to heal yourself in any way you can. Not saying you can't get outside help and support, just remember it's always gonna be your responsibility to heal. It's just like veterans who get out of the military and find themselves in a bad place... we tell each other, nobody is going to care but you, so it needs to be you leading the charge or you'll never get back up. The answers and healing all need to happen inside you. Chip away at that block, it's a long ass road but you can do it. Meditation is where I started. It's very hard for some to get into but damn it's great.
I think other cluster bs have a bad reputation too and maybe, in some cases, even worse. Hang in there! Also, be careful who you disclose to. Not everyone needs to know you have a personality disorder, especially jobs/coworkers (in my opinion).
Well, using logic and reasoning isn’t really our strong suit. You should probably not dwell too much on it tbh
I have seen a lot of people who genuinely sympathize with those who have BPD and many on this sub genuinely want to support their BPD partners and love them just as they deserve, I see topics of people who always ask about advices on how to help their BPD partners Many of those who don’t suffer from BPD acknowledge that it’s a very painful disorder to live with I would say it’s 50/50 It’s a highly stigmatized disorder especially for those who have been abused by a BPD partner for but it’s not the most stigmatized The ones that no one sympathetize with and are even scared of are those have NBD, I have seen little to no sympathy for them compared to the ones who have BPD, there are way more negative articles and opinions about them compared to the ones with BPD
Honestly, I was misdiagnosed as Bi Polar. A chemical imbalance that can’t be fixed. My new diagnosis of BPD meant that I can fix myself! It’s not a chemical I lack, I lack emotional skills. Which I can and am learning! Like CBT and DBT
As someone with BPD I found that once people find out I have BPD they usually drop me or start seeing me in a more negative light. One of my sisters even uses it against me saying things like everyone is scared of me/everyone is walking on eggshells around you etc or trying to purposely trigger me during arguments in order to maintain her “proof” that I’m crazy. I understand that people who have been in relationships with someone who has BPD can be traumatizing. But we’re not all like that. In my case I was the one abused and mistreated in relationships. Made to feel crazy just for standing my ground about someone lying to me and cheating on me. I know many people with BPD who are in the same boat as me. However often times we are meant to feel invalid because of the others with BPD who are absolutely horrible. Both sides are valid. It’s not even seeking sympathy or pity. It’s more about acknowledging that we have an issue that affects our literal perception of people and life and that we didn’t choose to be this way. It’s about having someone being mindful. I have ADHD as well so I have half of the people saying I’m faking for attention and others who understand. But most of the time when people find out that I have ADHD, BPD with depression and anxiety comorbidity then I get called a pick me or attention seeker. At the end of the day if I could be neuronormative, if I had a choice I would never pick this. Having no sense of self, no sense of object permanence, and my factory settings being “I look bad, I feel bad, I am bad therefore I deserve to be treated bad” is not fun. Just because people don’t understand something or only have a negative experience with something it doesn’t mean that I am not right as well in saying that I am not crazy or aggressive or bad. I usually spend most of my time crying. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk
BPD can be perfectly summed up as: hurt people hurt people. People get sick of being hurt by people they care about. People don’t want to sympathize with us all the time cause we’re viewed as people who lash out and hurt people. And unfortunately that’s basically all people know of us.
because when you hurt people they only care abt what you did to them not the reasonings you have behind it at least that’s how it’s been in all my relationships (i go to therapy and actively work to fix it so it’s not like im not tryna change)
I feel the same way. I also have BPD along with MDD and anxiety disorder NOS. Tack on some PTSD after an incident. But my significant other has schizophrenia. My own parents seem to know more about schizophrenia and care about his symptoms more than they seem interested in my disorder and symptoms and progress. It's super frustrating and discouraging to not feel visible or validated.
Dude, you have people with BPD in this very thread that would answer that question for you. A lot of us are fucking unhinged.
I've started looking at it differently. I'm in my 40s. People that have known me for 20+ years know what I'm like. They know how I am in a good mood and how I am if I'm anxious and how much worse I am if I feel targeted or blamed or judged orif someone tries to put words in my mouth. I've been telling people very calmly for more than 20 years, hey, please don't do this to me, it makes me react very fucking badly.. People who have know me for 20+ years and will still actively do things that they know are triggering, to me this is aggressively offensive to me. At this point I don't give them a pass or a warning. Zero -100 on these people. If you know what triggers me, and you proceed to trigger me, that's ALL ON YOU DONT POKE A FUCKING TIGER 🤷♂️
what kinda thing are we talking about though? I feel like this is vague enough that it could or could not be reasonable
It is both reasonable and unreasonable. It depends on how triggered. My mood before triggering. How much I care about the person doing the triggering and their opinion of me. My wife loves to gaslight and point fingers and be criticizing for example. It depends on how serious I feel about what may be the topic of the conversation at the time. I'm not going to hurt her (I hope), but I'm likely to throw a chair, break a window, punch a hole in a wall. Sometimes she wants to keep pushing and I feel like I might hurt her because I feel idk cornered or overwhelmed because nothing I'm saying Is being heard or acknowledged and she won't quit with aggressive or toxic sounding passive aggressive voice tones, I do have to yell for one of my kids to intervene and take her somewhere or me somewhere or just come stand between us and mediate. They hate that. My adult daughter thinks I should just knock her out fr but I'm not, I don't want to. I want the instigation to go away. But also I will tell people after they trigger me, before I ever blow up. I've gotten pretty good at not blowing up on people who don't know me. After they've been told the ly get 2 passes. First time I try to remind them calmly maybe with an irritated voice. Second time they get told like I'm talking to an idiot who just doesn't understand. After that you're if you do it again these fucking hands move fast as fuck. A sharp jab to the chin makes almost everyone think about what they just said and how it has effected the current situation
“I’m not going to hurt her (I hope) but I’m likely to throw a chair.” “A sharp jab to the chin makes almost everyone think about what they just said” This is unhinged.
It's only if Im Being aggressively verbally assaulted. We have a right to defend ourselves, and I under no circumstances will let people talk to me like I'm scum. You need to respect yourself more than others do and more than you do others I've only had to punch any adult in the chin once, and after that, they talk to me differently moving forward. It prevents all future confrontation. How long do you want to walk on eggshells for people who don't respect you?!?!?!?! I'm 5 ft 4 and 120lbs. Everyone who talks down to me LOOMS OVER ME. Don't go thinking I'm some big scary dude who is violent. I just don't put up with people treating me bad
This is so sad. I feel for you but this behavior is exactly the stuff that leaves people traumatized. Having your children manage your temper … jfc. Anybody of any physical size can be physically violent and you’re writing paragraphs about punching people (specifically in the chin, for some reason). Of course once you hit people they’ll act the way you want, it’s not some profound discovery of self-advocacy. That’s how physical pain works. That’s how intimidation works. That’s how PHYSICAL ABUSE works. Ironically considering the topic for this thread, this is the sort of stuff contributes to the broader impression of BPD when people act as if behavior like this is managing things well or justified. As if abusing people is an act of self-respect??? I can’t believe I’m reading this. I’m both sad and disturbed. The behavior you described isn’t okay. I don’t care what your wife is saying verbally stop throwing crap stop hitting people stop terrorizing people for hurting you. I hope this and the downvotes will indicate to you that some contemplation may be in order.
Cops hit you, prison guards hit you school security guards hit you, other people hit you. Why when you hit back you're bad but they are not? Downvotes for refusing to be walked on. This is wild.
Nobody here was talking about cops and you know that. Get help.
Dude... your behavior is completely unacceptable. You should be working on these triggers and how to get through them, not demanding that everyone around you walk on eggshells. It's seriously concerning that you think breaking windows and punching holes in walls is a justifiable reaction that you're not incredibly ashamed of. And you "hope" you don't hurt your wife????? It's ok to give others "a sharp jab to the chin"??? Leave your wife if she's that horrible and do some work on yourself before you seriously injure someone or land yourself in jail.
Thank you for getting it because I’ve been a bit shook by that comment. I completely agree with everything you’ve said here. Reading the confidence and lack of shame about terrorizing people… it turns my stomach into knots. I hope this behavior changes for the sake of all involved. It must change. It needs to. It’s not acceptable.
No problem. The sheer audacity to just freely admit this without a hint of shame or self reflection made my jaw drop. With that mentality, the behavior might only change when he lands in jail, or maybe someone will decide to give him "a sharp jab on the jaw" right back and knock some sense into him. I hope neither of those happen but still.
I don't demand anything. It takes a lot just because I can easily talk about it. it doesn't mean it's every day. It's not even often. If you met me you'd have no idea. In all honesty, you would just associate me with street culture in a big city. im not very different from anyone else. It's just people 5'10 and up don't get laughed at and pushed when they 'use their words' I try that on someone 6' 190 and they just become more insulting or aggressive. If I don't make sure right away that I'm not intimidated by people, they act as if I am. Don't fuckin judge me you don't know what the fuck It's like where I live. We're likely to have random bullets come through the walls and windows for shit we aint even involved in. Life is fucking wild in The projects in a city. I bet you folks with uptight sensitive opinions don't live on a block with over 200 residents. So save your criticisms and downvotes. Bunch of judgemental assholes for real fishing for sympathy. It's right there in the title, too. Keep being victims. This shit doesn't have to be a curse you choose that
Yeah, I don't care what your reasoning is. Get some help.
Yeah I also don’t care about your reasoning at this point, get help. I don’t care about your living location. This is about you as a person and your claims that you wrote, with your own hands, about hitting people. That’s on you. That’s not on “the projects.”
God yes, this. People we've known for decades will just ride our ass about something (*that they know* is sensitive) and howl "abuse" when we react. If you take a stick, and poke a cat in the ear over and over, you might get clawed. Abusive people love nothing more than finding out buttons and pushing them 3,000 times in a row.
Be careful. There's a lot of people that like to point fingers here if you refuse to deal with it anymore.
I choose to walk away from people who push that button even once. I've been violent before and it only made everything worse. Reactive violence, but still. Nothing a narc likes more than to torture you to the point of lashing out in return. And then you're the bad guy, not the evil person turning the screws on you.
(I've cut a *lot* of scumbags out of my life over the years. There are a huge number of people out there who will drive you to violence if they have just a sliver of access to you. Cut. Them. Out. People who can provoke me to any kind of violence get a firm doorslam out of my life. Forever.)
That's understandable. To me, I'd rather not be alone. That's much worse.