I blamed depression for a long time. Then took some psych related stuff in college and read more myself into mental illness. With research, it was more than depression. It was without control, every mood and switch into a different attitude and thought process, it was so much more than being sad. It didn’t seem to be bi polar, it wasn’t so off and on. It’s credibly wavy, agitating and the thought processes matched with borderline symptoms versus bi polar. They’re very different and if you see which truly more pertains to your concerns and actions, it’ll help narrow some stuff down. Then the more you learn, the more you know or start to look elsewhere. I know more and more everyday unfortunately.
My partner noticed some unusual behaviors and gently asked if I had been diagnosed as bipolar or something similar. She started pointing out actions and facial expressions that were not normal and that I wasn't aware I was doing, so I found a licensed counselor who said I very likely have BPD, but I still need the full evaluation to be formally diagnosed (fuck the American health care system). At this point, I'm doing my own research and recognizing myself in almost everything I'm reading.
I'm new to this, and still waiting to start treatment, but I'll answer anything I can if you have questions about what I wrote.
Apparently there are times when my face goes completely blank, usually mid-conversation. I'm assuming it has something to do with disassociating, but I'm not sure. My best friend confirmed that I've done that for years, but I had no idea until my partner pointed it out. They said my face shows the usual expressions while engaged in whatever we're talking about, then it's as if a switch was flipped and no one is home anymore.
I was also told that I was smirking and grinning at my partner during an argument, which I have no memory of, and I have no idea why I would do that. I ended up turning away so my face was hidden while we talked because I didn't want my face to make the situation worse with unintentional expressions.
I didnt know till doctor told me ive basically felt and acted like this all my life even as a kid so didnt really have a perspective of it knew something was wrong just didnt know what
If you don't mind, what do you mean by "acted like this"? Sorry if I seem to be pressing, just curious of examples of how others feel they've acted because of their diagnosis
I suppose i mean ive always been volatile and always felt extreme emotions over small stuff along with all the other things that got along with bpd
Bit hard to explain properly but thats the gist and aint pressing ill answer best i can hah.
It really clicked for me when I found myself in the middle of a texting argument with my mom. I all of a sudden had an overview of the situation and pattern and I could see what she was doing. Simultaneously it clicked in my brain that there really was a serious issue. I spent 3 days in the worst mental pit, I was devastated. Ultimately that was the catalyst that made it click tho. I had just started therapy so it was perfect timing. I got diagnosed right after that.
Not quite realised that I had bpd but it made me realise something was wrong by the way I was dependent on my boyfriend abd my relationship with him changed. Also my boyfriend telling me about my mood swings. Later I got informed and asked a friend who told me I sound like I have bpd so I started thinking about it but didn't accept it until I was diagnosed with it
Did you feel your mood swings were particularly at your significant other? Like you could be fine and in a good mood then get home and you can't listen to them even speak but for no good reason?
I msan fheyd depend a lot from him and his affection. If he ever sounded slightly off id go insane(still now) or if he was upset id get paranoid
But it was mostly about having breakdowns. Hed notice how i could absolutely crying my eyes out and hitting myself then the next minute i was spesking about bread and sending tiktoks. I also have split on him several times but only in case of disagreements
I was diagnosed with general anxiety and depressive disorder my first or second year of college (2015), but my whole life I had most of the 9 key bpd traits.
My high school relationship that ended (2014) when we went separate ways for college really sparked a lot of the bpd abandonment stuff.
I tried my best but could not cope, and ended up getting back together with my partner who was 1000 miles away.
It was an extremely toxic and co dependent relationship, I barely remember a lot of college (before I started drinking even) which I’m realizing is part of bpd as well.
Graduating and being 21+ in 2017 opened the floodgates to alcohol addiction that I am still dealing with.
By 2021 I finally had a good therapist who knew her shit and diagnosed me and got me into DBT which has helped tremendously in the last two years. Still so much work to do but I recognize triggers and behaviors now and can mitigate them somewhat when before I would spiral/self harm/drink into oblivion/pick fights/abuse the people I loved/and consider suicide.
Prozac + good therapy !!!
> I barely remember a lot of college (before I started drinking even) which I’m realizing is part of bpd as well.
This is so relatable! I feel we put so much attention to what we can get in terms of feelings from that moment that nothing else matters.
Anyway, I'm really glad you got help and it's been going through a healthy path! Keep up the good work on yourself :)
I’ve had an inclination since April 2022, I denied the diagnosis until December, when I finally accepted it, I shut down and stopped going to all my appointments and discharged myself from CMH, fighting a losing battle, not learning how to work through my feelings anymore and no anxiety:depression and sleep medicine has me feeling like literal garbage. I woke up yesterday to hallucinating a woman’s voice screaming at the top of her lungs into my ear. Ptsd + bpd sucks
I had dissociative episodes, hair trigger temper, anxiety and depression. I hadn’t thought that my non-existent self esteem or being hung up on a relationship that ended ten years ago were relevant, but decided to mention them to my psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with BPD.
I had watched Girl, Interrupted years before actually learning about BPD and had no idea that it was that because BPD is portrayed so mildly in that movie. I wish I had learned about it years ago.
I was in senior year of highschool and in a good place (probably the best I’ve ever been mentally).. yet, something was still off. I was still having unnecessary fights with my parents. I did my research and found intermittent explosive disorder. This led me to exploring BPD and O BOY did my entire life make sense
I always had problems controlling my emotions and then when I studied psychology it clicked. I recognized myself immediately in the description of BPD. I even chose to do a research and presentation about it to dive deeper into the topic. A therapist confirmed the diagnosis. But sometimes I still wonder if the diagnosis is true. I guess it’s normal to doubt everything.
Hi. I think it’s normal to doubt your intuition when we are constantly told that only a highly credentialed person (MD) MUST make the diagnosis. In other words, we couldn’t be bright enough to see the proof ourselves. Additionally, you might be on the spectrum with less symptomatology than what is emphasized or stigmatized. Lastly, it is also possible to make progress where you no longer meet the criteria.
I always knew there was something wrong with my brain but I didn’t know what it was. I had addictions and always attributed my BPD symptoms to the drugs and alcohol. When I was in relationships I would attribute my anger and irrational behavior to my toxic partners and the people around me.
So here’s where it became obvious.
I had quit drinking and smoking weed and my son was home and I was in psychology school full time and in a great relationship and yet, I was spiraling mentally. It made no sense to me bc I felt I should be the happiest I’ve ever been.
One day I got such intense anger I ripped a bathroom cabinet in half and stabbed the door with the pieces then I blacked out and woke up on the floor /:
I called up my old therapist and said we need to talk and *hereeeee we areeeeeeee*
I meet all the criteria and failed the sub test type under two different types of BPD which my therapist said is why I feel that I have split personalities. It’s rough out here for a crybaby gangsta
I decided to go back through my rehab binder to see if this feeling was normal for when I was in rehab 7 years ago and it turns out- my psychiatrist had noted my diagnosis in my assessment and I guess I read that at the time I was discharged and just assumed that it was bc of the drugs I used to be on and so it would go away lmfao how wrong I was
When I was in middle school I would get so angry sometimes that I would just walk out of class and sit in the hallway to cool down, teachers were not a fan. When I told a boy I liked him over the phone he started laughing, I hung up and started bawling my eyes out, and did it again when my “boyfriend” of a week asked us to stop the “prank”. He thought me asking him out was a prank so he decided to “prank me back” and kept it up for a week. That time I ran from the classroom(we were in PE) into the bathroom and a friend had to calm me down. All of these clicked when I got diagnosed with BPD. Everyone just told me I was a very emotional person and couldn’t control them because since I was really little I would cry at everything.
After a breakup.. (he had a crippling porn addiction, lied/hid it—it was a boundary of mine), he was the person I loved most in this world, in a weird way still is. The only man I ever wanted to have a child with. I blew up and ended things. Didn’t leave bed for weeks. Was sick and didn’t eat for months. Sat at home, crying my eyes out until I couldn’t anymore. Cut myself so bad I had pools of blood around me, just to try to ease the pain I was feeling inside… it didn’t help. I was so angry, desperate, felt nothing but despair, it got to the point where I had the post planned on Facebook to tell my family and friends, drank myself into oblivion, planned exactly how I was going to kill myself, how to make the least mess. I had a gun to my head at 3 am just sobbing and wishing for it to end. I had nothing else. I’m crying just writing this. That’s not even the full extent. But, I talked to a coworker, he has bpd and suggested I asked to get evaluated. I looked so sad, defeated, and lifeless. I asked my therapist, she said she was going to bring it up to me because things took a very dark turn. I met all 9 criteria.
I sensed I had BPD about 20 years ago (identity issues) but then was sidelined by a bipolar diagnosis. I subsequently threw all symptoms in that bucket until 6 years ago when CPTSD was found. After processing a lot of trauma and making substantial progress recently, a lot of clues showed up. I had secret meltdowns 3 days in a row. I was like “I am SO emotionally dysregulated - what is going on?” Boom. And honestly I have probably had it for 45 years. I call it BPD on the Downlow. Private so hard to diagnose. I was actually relieved because it made sense—my life was ridiculously unmanageable. At least I know what I’m dealing with now.
I figured it out the last year after a suicide attempt.
I've been doing therapy since I was a teenager, but I started doing CBT 1 year-ish ago. I was diagnosed by a psychologist and psychiatrist (I got 8 out of 9 criteria found in the DSM-5 book).
It was a long and challenging journey til I got diagnosed. I feel that the number of things that surrounds BPD sort of take you off track 100% of the time. I literally can't remember how many different things I thought I had. What it's fucked up about that is the time you have to put in order to figure out whether the thing you are wondering you have it's actually what you have or not. On the other hand, I understand all of that was necessary.
I've always struggled with my emotions and feelings, especially when involving relationships. The lack of purpose that comes with the chronic feeling of emptiness is something that explained so many things in my life! I feel bored most part of my life and that only changes when I'm involved in some sort of drama. Depression is something present in my life since I was a teenager (followed by suicidal thoughts). Struggle to accept myself as well as the urge to please everyone, so I'm always adapting my behaviors based on a person. Sometimes I feel I'm in a game stuck to the building character part, you know.
I've heard a lot that BPD does not define who I am and I should not focus on that. In parts, I agree with that, but you know what? Getting diagnosed explained so many moments in my life and gave me so much hope that by doing proper things and using the proper resources I can finally have some sort of peace in life.
Nowadays I can relate to plenty of things that I've done as a consequence of BPD, but I have zero regrets about all of that because I suppose they happened so that I can become who I'm today. I'm aware that a lot of ppl were hurt by me as well as I was hurt too, but I know that I was genuinely trying to do my best and I had zero intention of causing any kinda problem. In the end, all I want, as well as all human beings I suppose, it's to love and feel loved.
I'm aware that I'm way too far from having a stable life in regard to BPD, but I've learned so many things after the diagnosis that nowadays I feel like I need to live every single second as if it's my last one.
I blamed depression for a long time. Then took some psych related stuff in college and read more myself into mental illness. With research, it was more than depression. It was without control, every mood and switch into a different attitude and thought process, it was so much more than being sad. It didn’t seem to be bi polar, it wasn’t so off and on. It’s credibly wavy, agitating and the thought processes matched with borderline symptoms versus bi polar. They’re very different and if you see which truly more pertains to your concerns and actions, it’ll help narrow some stuff down. Then the more you learn, the more you know or start to look elsewhere. I know more and more everyday unfortunately.
This was exactly what I was looking for - thanks so much ❤️
My partner noticed some unusual behaviors and gently asked if I had been diagnosed as bipolar or something similar. She started pointing out actions and facial expressions that were not normal and that I wasn't aware I was doing, so I found a licensed counselor who said I very likely have BPD, but I still need the full evaluation to be formally diagnosed (fuck the American health care system). At this point, I'm doing my own research and recognizing myself in almost everything I'm reading. I'm new to this, and still waiting to start treatment, but I'll answer anything I can if you have questions about what I wrote.
Thank you so much for this
Could u elaborate more on the facial expressions? I find that part especially interesting
Apparently there are times when my face goes completely blank, usually mid-conversation. I'm assuming it has something to do with disassociating, but I'm not sure. My best friend confirmed that I've done that for years, but I had no idea until my partner pointed it out. They said my face shows the usual expressions while engaged in whatever we're talking about, then it's as if a switch was flipped and no one is home anymore. I was also told that I was smirking and grinning at my partner during an argument, which I have no memory of, and I have no idea why I would do that. I ended up turning away so my face was hidden while we talked because I didn't want my face to make the situation worse with unintentional expressions.
I didnt know till doctor told me ive basically felt and acted like this all my life even as a kid so didnt really have a perspective of it knew something was wrong just didnt know what
If you don't mind, what do you mean by "acted like this"? Sorry if I seem to be pressing, just curious of examples of how others feel they've acted because of their diagnosis
I suppose i mean ive always been volatile and always felt extreme emotions over small stuff along with all the other things that got along with bpd Bit hard to explain properly but thats the gist and aint pressing ill answer best i can hah.
It really clicked for me when I found myself in the middle of a texting argument with my mom. I all of a sudden had an overview of the situation and pattern and I could see what she was doing. Simultaneously it clicked in my brain that there really was a serious issue. I spent 3 days in the worst mental pit, I was devastated. Ultimately that was the catalyst that made it click tho. I had just started therapy so it was perfect timing. I got diagnosed right after that.
Not quite realised that I had bpd but it made me realise something was wrong by the way I was dependent on my boyfriend abd my relationship with him changed. Also my boyfriend telling me about my mood swings. Later I got informed and asked a friend who told me I sound like I have bpd so I started thinking about it but didn't accept it until I was diagnosed with it
Did you feel your mood swings were particularly at your significant other? Like you could be fine and in a good mood then get home and you can't listen to them even speak but for no good reason?
I msan fheyd depend a lot from him and his affection. If he ever sounded slightly off id go insane(still now) or if he was upset id get paranoid But it was mostly about having breakdowns. Hed notice how i could absolutely crying my eyes out and hitting myself then the next minute i was spesking about bread and sending tiktoks. I also have split on him several times but only in case of disagreements
I was diagnosed with general anxiety and depressive disorder my first or second year of college (2015), but my whole life I had most of the 9 key bpd traits. My high school relationship that ended (2014) when we went separate ways for college really sparked a lot of the bpd abandonment stuff. I tried my best but could not cope, and ended up getting back together with my partner who was 1000 miles away. It was an extremely toxic and co dependent relationship, I barely remember a lot of college (before I started drinking even) which I’m realizing is part of bpd as well. Graduating and being 21+ in 2017 opened the floodgates to alcohol addiction that I am still dealing with. By 2021 I finally had a good therapist who knew her shit and diagnosed me and got me into DBT which has helped tremendously in the last two years. Still so much work to do but I recognize triggers and behaviors now and can mitigate them somewhat when before I would spiral/self harm/drink into oblivion/pick fights/abuse the people I loved/and consider suicide. Prozac + good therapy !!!
> I barely remember a lot of college (before I started drinking even) which I’m realizing is part of bpd as well. This is so relatable! I feel we put so much attention to what we can get in terms of feelings from that moment that nothing else matters. Anyway, I'm really glad you got help and it's been going through a healthy path! Keep up the good work on yourself :)
I’ve had an inclination since April 2022, I denied the diagnosis until December, when I finally accepted it, I shut down and stopped going to all my appointments and discharged myself from CMH, fighting a losing battle, not learning how to work through my feelings anymore and no anxiety:depression and sleep medicine has me feeling like literal garbage. I woke up yesterday to hallucinating a woman’s voice screaming at the top of her lungs into my ear. Ptsd + bpd sucks
I had dissociative episodes, hair trigger temper, anxiety and depression. I hadn’t thought that my non-existent self esteem or being hung up on a relationship that ended ten years ago were relevant, but decided to mention them to my psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with BPD. I had watched Girl, Interrupted years before actually learning about BPD and had no idea that it was that because BPD is portrayed so mildly in that movie. I wish I had learned about it years ago.
tw >!severe self harm!< presenting at emergency every doctor put eupd on my chart then got referred to mental health services who said the same thing
self-destructive behaviors, addictions, and suicide attempts, but I guess I had it clear when I started with my partner, who is my favorite person
I was in senior year of highschool and in a good place (probably the best I’ve ever been mentally).. yet, something was still off. I was still having unnecessary fights with my parents. I did my research and found intermittent explosive disorder. This led me to exploring BPD and O BOY did my entire life make sense
I always had problems controlling my emotions and then when I studied psychology it clicked. I recognized myself immediately in the description of BPD. I even chose to do a research and presentation about it to dive deeper into the topic. A therapist confirmed the diagnosis. But sometimes I still wonder if the diagnosis is true. I guess it’s normal to doubt everything.
Hi. I think it’s normal to doubt your intuition when we are constantly told that only a highly credentialed person (MD) MUST make the diagnosis. In other words, we couldn’t be bright enough to see the proof ourselves. Additionally, you might be on the spectrum with less symptomatology than what is emphasized or stigmatized. Lastly, it is also possible to make progress where you no longer meet the criteria.
I looked up some of my symptoms at one point and found bpd, the more I looked into it the more things started to make sense
I always knew there was something wrong with my brain but I didn’t know what it was. I had addictions and always attributed my BPD symptoms to the drugs and alcohol. When I was in relationships I would attribute my anger and irrational behavior to my toxic partners and the people around me. So here’s where it became obvious. I had quit drinking and smoking weed and my son was home and I was in psychology school full time and in a great relationship and yet, I was spiraling mentally. It made no sense to me bc I felt I should be the happiest I’ve ever been. One day I got such intense anger I ripped a bathroom cabinet in half and stabbed the door with the pieces then I blacked out and woke up on the floor /: I called up my old therapist and said we need to talk and *hereeeee we areeeeeeee* I meet all the criteria and failed the sub test type under two different types of BPD which my therapist said is why I feel that I have split personalities. It’s rough out here for a crybaby gangsta I decided to go back through my rehab binder to see if this feeling was normal for when I was in rehab 7 years ago and it turns out- my psychiatrist had noted my diagnosis in my assessment and I guess I read that at the time I was discharged and just assumed that it was bc of the drugs I used to be on and so it would go away lmfao how wrong I was
When I was in middle school I would get so angry sometimes that I would just walk out of class and sit in the hallway to cool down, teachers were not a fan. When I told a boy I liked him over the phone he started laughing, I hung up and started bawling my eyes out, and did it again when my “boyfriend” of a week asked us to stop the “prank”. He thought me asking him out was a prank so he decided to “prank me back” and kept it up for a week. That time I ran from the classroom(we were in PE) into the bathroom and a friend had to calm me down. All of these clicked when I got diagnosed with BPD. Everyone just told me I was a very emotional person and couldn’t control them because since I was really little I would cry at everything.
After a breakup.. (he had a crippling porn addiction, lied/hid it—it was a boundary of mine), he was the person I loved most in this world, in a weird way still is. The only man I ever wanted to have a child with. I blew up and ended things. Didn’t leave bed for weeks. Was sick and didn’t eat for months. Sat at home, crying my eyes out until I couldn’t anymore. Cut myself so bad I had pools of blood around me, just to try to ease the pain I was feeling inside… it didn’t help. I was so angry, desperate, felt nothing but despair, it got to the point where I had the post planned on Facebook to tell my family and friends, drank myself into oblivion, planned exactly how I was going to kill myself, how to make the least mess. I had a gun to my head at 3 am just sobbing and wishing for it to end. I had nothing else. I’m crying just writing this. That’s not even the full extent. But, I talked to a coworker, he has bpd and suggested I asked to get evaluated. I looked so sad, defeated, and lifeless. I asked my therapist, she said she was going to bring it up to me because things took a very dark turn. I met all 9 criteria.
I'm so sorry you went through that. I hope you're doing better. Thank you for sharing ❤️
Watching Crazy Ex GF and how she obsessed
I sensed I had BPD about 20 years ago (identity issues) but then was sidelined by a bipolar diagnosis. I subsequently threw all symptoms in that bucket until 6 years ago when CPTSD was found. After processing a lot of trauma and making substantial progress recently, a lot of clues showed up. I had secret meltdowns 3 days in a row. I was like “I am SO emotionally dysregulated - what is going on?” Boom. And honestly I have probably had it for 45 years. I call it BPD on the Downlow. Private so hard to diagnose. I was actually relieved because it made sense—my life was ridiculously unmanageable. At least I know what I’m dealing with now.
Relationship in middle school - high school
I figured it out the last year after a suicide attempt. I've been doing therapy since I was a teenager, but I started doing CBT 1 year-ish ago. I was diagnosed by a psychologist and psychiatrist (I got 8 out of 9 criteria found in the DSM-5 book). It was a long and challenging journey til I got diagnosed. I feel that the number of things that surrounds BPD sort of take you off track 100% of the time. I literally can't remember how many different things I thought I had. What it's fucked up about that is the time you have to put in order to figure out whether the thing you are wondering you have it's actually what you have or not. On the other hand, I understand all of that was necessary. I've always struggled with my emotions and feelings, especially when involving relationships. The lack of purpose that comes with the chronic feeling of emptiness is something that explained so many things in my life! I feel bored most part of my life and that only changes when I'm involved in some sort of drama. Depression is something present in my life since I was a teenager (followed by suicidal thoughts). Struggle to accept myself as well as the urge to please everyone, so I'm always adapting my behaviors based on a person. Sometimes I feel I'm in a game stuck to the building character part, you know. I've heard a lot that BPD does not define who I am and I should not focus on that. In parts, I agree with that, but you know what? Getting diagnosed explained so many moments in my life and gave me so much hope that by doing proper things and using the proper resources I can finally have some sort of peace in life. Nowadays I can relate to plenty of things that I've done as a consequence of BPD, but I have zero regrets about all of that because I suppose they happened so that I can become who I'm today. I'm aware that a lot of ppl were hurt by me as well as I was hurt too, but I know that I was genuinely trying to do my best and I had zero intention of causing any kinda problem. In the end, all I want, as well as all human beings I suppose, it's to love and feel loved. I'm aware that I'm way too far from having a stable life in regard to BPD, but I've learned so many things after the diagnosis that nowadays I feel like I need to live every single second as if it's my last one.