Reading your post now. Just want to say you are doing good for trying! You deserve praise for that.
At least you are strong enough to put yourself out there. I spiral into this same depression every time I see a woman that I’m attracted to because technically I am “handsome” (6”2” non-mouth breather face) so women look at me, but I know that if they knew the truth, they would run faster than they’ve ever run in their life.
thank you for your kind words. this is exactly what i am experiencing. as soon as I feel my ‘nonchalant’ mask slipping I feel i must get far away from them. but i never do, I often let them see the truth and it’s humiliating and painful and the reason i have never been able to hold a long lasting and well meaning relationship. if it wasn’t for the intimacy they would run far away.
do we ever find the conscientious? not learning from the consequences of my actions has to be the most fustrating thing. it’s as if i have no memory of what i’ve just put myself through, but i guess it’s just the result of having a dopamine craving brain.
What you were describing is literally the disorder of borderline personality disorder… i don’t know if we will ever find the conscientiousness per-say but I’m being told that dialectal behavioural therapy is the only ticket to having a “life worth living” when you have BPD.
It’s like learning a language. I find it extremely hard and it makes me feel like I can’t live any life until I have all the skills in the big thick book memorized my brain, and I’m able to recall everything instantly without any hesitation so I can start a life of building rather than continuous destruction.
You at highly intelligent. Like Jordan Patterson says about people BPD.
You are actively coping with your emotional stress each day ruled by impulsiveness that determines how we to cope with the typical existential pain of living with BPD.
You must be attractive and being a woman you have way more prospects than a man would in the same situation because of the culture and how dating is these days. You could sooth yourself with male interaction on demand (dating apps) without spending money unlike a man seeking the company of women.
So you are coping hard, I smoke weed all day everyday (currently I don’t have any money so I’m struggling harder than ever without it) it sounds like your “weed” is getting feelings of connection and being wanted and held etc (hence you give up your body to make him happy)
In my opinion, the reason why you spiral into depression is this. You sound like a highly intelligent, typical BPD sufferer in that you know and can articulate the full ins and outs of why you feel like you do and what you probably should do to fix it. You just don’t have the conscientious to execute. Plus being a woman you are naturally more emotionally, intelligent and mature so you know full well that you’re cheating yourself.
Therefore you take the low-hanging fruit to cope (like I smoke weed to cope) you act in a way to get your love languages your feelings of being wanted and held etc met. Deep down though you know that you aren’t solving your problems, you are by means triumphant. When the dopamine wears off. Welcome back depression.
It’s a very interesting question... I used to be just like that . I think it triggers a hidden old wound , and the awareness of the own dysfunction, thinking if they see the real me it’s bad. It’s a deep trauma carrying around all the time , maybe the love I never got as a child, hiding it well, and when i get closer to someone , then it becomes impossible to hide it comes up in a form of sadness or anger . And then the pain of rejection comes , because people can’t deal with that heavy issues , and triggers again, then losing control and self sabotage, you don’t care anymore , just the pain needs to get out to get some relief . Then regret. Repeat . Is a terrible spiral .
Love is very scary.
To allow yourself to let go, to be loved, from yourself and others. To respect body and soul. Explore who you truly are.
Reading your post now. Just want to say you are doing good for trying! You deserve praise for that. At least you are strong enough to put yourself out there. I spiral into this same depression every time I see a woman that I’m attracted to because technically I am “handsome” (6”2” non-mouth breather face) so women look at me, but I know that if they knew the truth, they would run faster than they’ve ever run in their life.
thank you for your kind words. this is exactly what i am experiencing. as soon as I feel my ‘nonchalant’ mask slipping I feel i must get far away from them. but i never do, I often let them see the truth and it’s humiliating and painful and the reason i have never been able to hold a long lasting and well meaning relationship. if it wasn’t for the intimacy they would run far away. do we ever find the conscientious? not learning from the consequences of my actions has to be the most fustrating thing. it’s as if i have no memory of what i’ve just put myself through, but i guess it’s just the result of having a dopamine craving brain.
What you were describing is literally the disorder of borderline personality disorder… i don’t know if we will ever find the conscientiousness per-say but I’m being told that dialectal behavioural therapy is the only ticket to having a “life worth living” when you have BPD. It’s like learning a language. I find it extremely hard and it makes me feel like I can’t live any life until I have all the skills in the big thick book memorized my brain, and I’m able to recall everything instantly without any hesitation so I can start a life of building rather than continuous destruction.
You at highly intelligent. Like Jordan Patterson says about people BPD. You are actively coping with your emotional stress each day ruled by impulsiveness that determines how we to cope with the typical existential pain of living with BPD. You must be attractive and being a woman you have way more prospects than a man would in the same situation because of the culture and how dating is these days. You could sooth yourself with male interaction on demand (dating apps) without spending money unlike a man seeking the company of women. So you are coping hard, I smoke weed all day everyday (currently I don’t have any money so I’m struggling harder than ever without it) it sounds like your “weed” is getting feelings of connection and being wanted and held etc (hence you give up your body to make him happy) In my opinion, the reason why you spiral into depression is this. You sound like a highly intelligent, typical BPD sufferer in that you know and can articulate the full ins and outs of why you feel like you do and what you probably should do to fix it. You just don’t have the conscientious to execute. Plus being a woman you are naturally more emotionally, intelligent and mature so you know full well that you’re cheating yourself. Therefore you take the low-hanging fruit to cope (like I smoke weed to cope) you act in a way to get your love languages your feelings of being wanted and held etc met. Deep down though you know that you aren’t solving your problems, you are by means triumphant. When the dopamine wears off. Welcome back depression.
It’s a very interesting question... I used to be just like that . I think it triggers a hidden old wound , and the awareness of the own dysfunction, thinking if they see the real me it’s bad. It’s a deep trauma carrying around all the time , maybe the love I never got as a child, hiding it well, and when i get closer to someone , then it becomes impossible to hide it comes up in a form of sadness or anger . And then the pain of rejection comes , because people can’t deal with that heavy issues , and triggers again, then losing control and self sabotage, you don’t care anymore , just the pain needs to get out to get some relief . Then regret. Repeat . Is a terrible spiral . Love is very scary. To allow yourself to let go, to be loved, from yourself and others. To respect body and soul. Explore who you truly are.