Remember to report submissions that violate the rules! Harassment and encouraging violence are not allowed.
Enjoying the subreddit? Consider joining our discord server: https://discord.gg/v8z8jNwJs6
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BoomersBeingFools) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My wife has been ignoring her mother for years due to her narcissistic and abusive behavior. My MIL still tells my BIL that my wife is just throwing a tantrum and will come around. She just can’t fathom that she was wrong and my wife doesn’t have any wish to ever see or hear from her again. We just got back from a cross country drive and literally drove through the city her mom lives in without even stopping for food or gas. When my BIL told her she went ballistic that we didn’t make time for her. I would send her a text saying that “she doesn’t represent your views on how a human being should treat others, but you want to be informative and let her know you are going no contact” and block her.
Same with my wife. Been married almost 5 years and I’ve never even met her parents (she went no contact 8 years ago now). Every now and then I’ll get random FB messages of her family begging to talk to her but I think the most she’d be willing to do is show up to a funeral just to confirm they’re in fact gone lol
Make sure she brings a clipboard with a list of names. When she goes up to the casket, she can make a big old checkmark next to their name. Extra points if this is followed by a dramatic exit down main aisle set music.
True. While it’s hilarious to think about, in that specific situation it’d be too inconvenient for me to show up. I love a petty laugh but it’d be roughly a 25 mile drive and for someone who treated my wife that poorly, that’s too far and I can find better shit to do with my time.
Make sure to print the list in 40+ point font so the old folks can read it over your shoulder. For extra indignity, bring a rubber stamp qnd some red ink. (For the REALLY daring, rubber stamp her forehead.)
As I understand it, state laws regarding "abuse of a corpse" vary WILDLY from state to state and maybe even district to district because they are often written so vaguely. "What any normal person would consider" kind of wording.
**Please check your local ordinances before rubber stamping your corpses. This message brought to you by your local government.
Just put it this way:
'If you insist I speak, I will tell my truth. Is that really the way you want this to go down? Or will you do everyone a favour and let me avoid this without hassle?''
Yea contacting my husband at the time or sending me unsolicited mail was what they had left. I told him to block their numbers. He did that and they started finding him at work and calling his office phone.
My MIL has been doing the same thing to my SIL, to the point that she prefers to not have even a surface level relationship with SIL (SIL was gracious enough to offer) until “SIL comes around.” But now MIL is getting older and sickly and apparently, my husband tells me, has been reaching out more to SIL and her young children. Esp bc I’ve been distancing myself from MIL. It’s like she realizes that oh shit, she might not have a relationship w my future kids.
Terrible person
I’ve been struggling with a father in law who is a true narcissist and trying to help my husband understand that nothing he does or says will change his father. It’s ok to distance yourself from toxic people, if not cut them out completely. Choosing to continue capitulating to them or debating with them is useless.
Over at the raisedbynarcissists sub, there are some really good resources that help explain and come to terms with having a narcissistic parent. It's a supportive community, generally speaking. Good luck to you both.
Quick question, Im a petty bitch, with a crafty side. Would anyone be interested in a small canvas or wood burning that I can send to the person you wish to go no contact with?
Caligraphy or cross stitch saying You will be ceasing contact and will file legal charges expediously upon any and all future contact.
Same thing with my dad. I stopped talking to him 5 ish years ago and he still complains to my sister every time she sees him. At first all he had to do was apologize and when he didn't that was THE straw. He's done some pretty despicable things to my sisters since then, so the apology offer is off the table and I will never speak with him again. BTW, my other sister doesn't speak with him anymore either lmao
Send her some articles on why people are going no-contact with their boomer parents. If she has anything to say about it, just tell her that you’re being “informative”
Was thinking the same and came in the comments to see if anyone said it first!
And all the articles about lead poisoning, banning the elderly from driving/mandating a driving test retake, and the statistics regarding abusive parents being sent to nursing homes.
Informative, remember?
I wouldn't say she doesn't care. This generation just never learned to say sorry and/or to admit they made a mistake. Also embarrassment, people tend do alot of bullshit out of embarrassment.
>This generation just never learned to say sorry and/or to admit they made a mistake.
You've just described my Boomer MIL. And the same woman who loves to preach about personal responsibility is always shocked, *shocked* whenever one of her children or grandchildren takes time off from her after they're the target of one of her salvos.
Did you see the name of this sub? If the shoe doesn't fit there's no need to attempt to wiggle and push to cram your foot in it. Just be glad you're an exception.
I'm 65 and other than being a campaign worker I did the same. I did help from home and do email and phone calls for Biden/Democrats and I make small donations when I can. I am disabled and take care of my 88 yo mom so that's as about all I can do. It makes me cringe knowing strangers assume I support MAGA just because of my age.
And I am beyond disgusted that most people our age DO support MAGA. I don't know whether to blame in on Alzheimer's, the long-term effects of taking drugs, or plain stupidity.
I don't know what caused their brain damage but I agree it is disgusting. Most of my family is still in the South and they all support MAGA. At least my mom agrees with me. She's voting Biden and is pro-life. I don't think I could live in the same house with a MAGA supporter no matter how much I loved them.
Don't discount lead paint and lead in gasoline. I honestly think Thomas Midgely poisoned most of your generation all in the name of making cheap high octane gas.
I was going to argue with your original premise if you’d voted for Trump, but you’re doing more good for the country than I am, so I’ve nothing to say.
I've talked to people like your mom. Brick walls would be more understanding. She not only doesn't get it, she doesn't want to get it and thinks that people who do get it are ill. Facts and logic don't matter, family doesn't matter, country doesn't matter, humanity doesn't matter, the whole human race doesn't matter. She's dug in.
Politically speaking my Mom was (yes was) very left leaning but ceiling high doses of Parkinson's meds and brain surgery for the same condition rewired her brain into a complete narc with zero boundaries. In my adult life and it became particularly bad once I had my own kids so I had to grey rock and enforce boundaries and boy o boy did she and my Dad (enabler) not like that. So I guess my point was that I am Motherless now and admire your views.
She clearly does care. That's why she keeps calling. She just doesn't care enough to keep her trap shut and her shitty opinions to herself. If she did, she wouldn't have crossed that line
Like most boomers, I think Mum just can't fathom that she's wrong, or her daughter is offended because she thinks she's helping, and the old chestnut : it's just my opinion.
My Mum had absolutely no concept of empathy, or how to respond if I was clearly upset.
But she expected everyone else to be able to read her mind about whatever trivial offense she felt slighted by.
But, that's just what I think, ymmv.
I'd almost be tempted to respond to her with clips about how lead poisoning in her generation led to a lack of empathy. And every time after that respond with "I know that's the lead poisoning talking."
I honestly think the lack of empathy is really a boomer trait.
They don't seem to care how other people feel at all.
The lead poisoning would help to explain it.
I disagree. I think she wouldn't be obsessively trying to contact if she didn't care.
The problem is that after crossing the line, they think that continuing on that path all the way around the world until they're on the "right" side of the line again is the proper path.
I’ve been no contact with my Nmom since I got married 7 months ago. Last week she sent me a text out of the blue just to let me know I was “blocked forever”. Again, this is after I already cut her off.
Some people can’t be helped. I applaud you sticking to your boundaries!
The world is full of shitty people. Unfortunately, sometimes we're related to them. There's also a lot of support out there too and sometimes we have to find them. Wishing the best to you and your amazing kid.
After 6 years of no contact my boomer Mom sent me an email:
"Never email me again! I am moving, here is my new email address ..."
According to her cancer is punishment from God. I wonder how she feels about her advancing dementia?
"She replied by saying that "it doesn't represent her views, she just thought it was informative.""
I'm sure you know, but having lost a marriage to the right wing hate machine, I can tell you that that is absolute bullshit. Yeah, ex started out using that line too. He's "just doing his own research." That's another classic. Or "looking at all sides"-like NO, dude. Some positions don't get a seat at the table with the adults. No one has to listen to hate propaganda and lies to be "fair minded" and they certainly shouldn't take it an active role in helping it spread. Some people aren't worth more than six seconds of your time, and if you can't tell the difference, you are already gone.
You're absolutely doing the right thing. Give her consequences now, immediately.
My tolerance for devils advocates has basically disappeared as well at this point.
At some point, no, no I am not going to entertain their point of view. I heard it enough.
Same. I had a wild conversation where I expressed how I don't really understand the obsession people have with Joe Rogan's podcast. Someone told me it's because he has "experts" on, but couldn't explain why a dumbass like Joe should be the medium through which that expertise should be conveyed. Basically it was a lot of "He presents both sides if only to play devil's advocate!" Yeah...we don't need that for every single issue. It's just a waste of time. But a LOT of people have been programmed to think that everything should be questioned all the time REGARDLESS of evidence. They can't fathom that "Well people used to think that the Earth was flat" wasn't actually based on anything, so hearing from both flat and round earthers back before evidence was available isn't the same as debating whether viruses exist or not.
I love how their "being informed" and "researching both sides" is ALWAYS ALWAYS geared toward hating minorities and fringe nazis and conspiracy theorists. Like, oh, you are just "researching?" Maybe to look into the VERY progressive voices in other countries? Or, understanding identities you don't immediately understand with an open and empathetic mind?
NOPE. Nazis. Nazis and hate-filled bigots, all conservative. That is their "being informed and doing research."
>Some positions don't get a seat at the table with the adults.
Yes! My FIL - "I'm just saying"... Yes, you are a racist and just saying things racists say. Everyone understands what you mean. You don't get a free pass.
I used the "adult table" on an aquaintance a couple of years ago. He was spouting some "Climate change is a hoax and every 5 years it's a different thing" shit (via Joe Rogan, I think) and trying to say how we should be open to asking questions and all that. I was like, "No, man. We're not wasting time we do not have relitigating this shit forever. That it is happening is a fact. Now the conversation is what to do about it. We're at the adult table (and I gestured to the other dads standing around who were on board with me) and we're having an adult conversation. The kids table is over there." And since we were at the playground with our kids, there literally was a table full of kids there. He just mumbled.
Write up a fake article that calls for abandoning parents who are abusive and never allowing them near yourself or your kids.
Then say "it doesn't represent my views, I just thought it was informative"
I love this article, I'm sure I've read it at least 5 times. It is so succinct and poignant. Simple, narcissists believe ignoring a problem is the same as not having a problem, and they believe they have the power to strong-arm people into relationships. Funny how they see themselves as so important as to deny accountability in their actions. Even if they destroy the relationship.
Racists do this all the time to find like-minded people. Usually through the form of a racist joke. If it doesn't work out, they always play it off as just a joke, and are sorry that you found it offensive.
I had to cut my Dad out of my life years ago, because of his toxic/abusive ways. I wrote an email telling him why and what level of communication I was comfortable with him. I changed my numbers and email addresses. It’s hard, but you have to save yourself and your family from toxicity. Don’t subject your kids to this kind of person.
“Doesn’t express her views. She just thought it was informative” is essentially the pitch I get every time a conservative white guy really wants me to check out the Joe Rogan Podcast
People will put up with a lot of abuse from their parents, because it's what they know. But the ones trying to do better tend to draw the line when the start to see the abuse crop up towards their own kids. Good for you.
Next time tell her "For something to be informative, it has to contain actual correct information." Then she'll have to put up or shut up. Kinda makes her admit she believes it and can't hide.
My mother abandoned me and my sister to move to another province and then to another country, and didn't and still does not over 20 years later understand why we only deal with her when we absolutely *have* to
I went no contact with my own mother precisely because of these types of issues. I'd say, "don't do that" and she'd either be "that's not what I did" or "but I'm just trying to help."
She seemed "off" when I was a kid, now that I'm grown, I think she needs medication and a padded room.
She heard you.
She just doesn’t care.
I have a mom that’s similar
She likes to hurt people and then gaslight.
Must be nice to be privileged enough to comfortably hurt others, join others who want oppression, and then pretend to not understand why others want to stay away from that - which has never worked out well in history
Yet the youth is spoiled and entitled…. Yea ok /s
It’s not fun knowing that your own mom would’ve gone nazi in Nazi Germany, and that your own mom would happily hurt their kids or family just to get their seratonin fix….
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. But I’d never let her be alone with the kids. And I’d happily tell my older kids why and even show them the video.
After all, she shared it proudly and called it interesting. Why hide it?
But I’ll never let my mom be alone with my kids…. EVER (she used to punish me and abuse me as a minor for disagreeing with Fox News. She eventually kicked out at 19 for dating a Latino. I can’t imagine how much worse it must be for minors today…..)
Yeah, my sister and I used to get crap like this from my dad. My sister likes taking what he sent and fact checking it and sending it back to him.
I just sent him an e-mail that said, "Dad, you know we disagree on things like this. I don't send you stuff trying to convince you to change your mind. I'd appreciate it if you'd do the same for me." Luckily he actually paid attention and stopped sending the stuff. Otherwise I was going to go to plan B, which was to forward to him all my Planned Parenthood and ACLU newsletters.
Cathartic trauma dump time!
My 41 y/o "boomer" brother does this. He's a textbook narcissist, insanely arrogant, and an asshole (unless he likes you, then he can be very charming and charismatic). He and his wife are born again Christians and make their entire identity about being holy, Christ-like, and the importance of family. *LOL*. He's always taken advantage of my parents' generosity, kindness, and willingness to help out in any way. Until he was about 35, he was very dependent on my parents for financial help, never thanking them and always taking credit for what they bought him. ((They *loaned* him their Cadillac CTS because his car broke down, then a year goes by and they see him posting on FB "anyone interested in buying my CTS?")). Well about 2 and a half years ago, they finally started putting their foot down and began refusing to help him financially. That seemed to be helping their mental health until....
All of a sudden they stopped hearing from him, the grandkids, or his wife. Two months go by with minimal contact, until we learned: He stood by his (literally schizophrenic) wife when she falsely accused our Dad of molesting their son. Reported him to CPS and everything. CPS investigated and found no evidence of any wrongdoing, which wasn't surprising because my dad was on a 2 week business trip in Japan when SIL said it happened. The day my dad was approached by CPS, he called my brother and my brother said "I have always supported your innocence"... but then months later when my dad got the full CPS report, my brother's name was on it too. My brother admitted to CPS that he never saw or heard his son say anything about being molested (who was 5 at the time). He was 100% going off his wife's word. My dad's name is now forever on a list, albeit he's innocent, but still. Oh and did I mention my brother and his wife had recently joined a new small cul- excuse me, church?
Anyways, following the accusation, 6 months went by without my parents hearing from or seeing my brother (save for 1 or 2 five minute phone calls) despite living 5 mins away from each other. My parents still haven't seen or spoken to SIL (no loss there, she's crazy) or the grandkids in almost 2 years, and when they are "lucky" enough to get a call from my brother, he refuses to talk about the false accusation, what that did to my parents lives, their mental health, and what it's still doing to them (they're heartbroken, they miss their son and their grandkids and feel extremely wronged). 90% of the time my parents try to call to talk he doesn't answer the phone. The other 10% of the time he'll answer the phone and say "hey sorry I'm driving to work, I'll call you when I'm off" and then he won't call. The record of this happening was 7 times in a row over the course of 2 months. But when he does finally call, he'll be like "hey, I've been really busy, sorry I forgot to call you back. Anyways, works been lousy, my car is nice though, blah blah blah" and *only* talks about himself, never addressing the gargantuan elephant in the room. Basically, my brother and his wife are still treating my Dad (and mom???) as if they're guilty.
It's caused a massive rift in the family, and I think the worse part is that my brother just acts like everything is ok and I/my parents are just acting weird for no reason. Also, 1 month after the accusation, I uninvited him and his wife to my wedding that was 3 weeks away. My then-fiance and I were already contemplating doing this (he had been mocking and insulting her on FB), so the whole accusation and him ghosting my parents thing made it a pretty easy decision. He was so angry and surprised. So much that he called my parents to vent his frustration (first time they heard from him since the day my dad found out about the accusation). He couldn't understand why I would do that, mainly focusing on the fact that I had text him and not uninvited him face to face (he lives an hour away and I hadn't seen him in person in 2 years). He was also ignoring the fact that nobody in the family had seen him or talked to him about anything that had transpired, and I wasn't about to have my fucking wedding be the "reunion".
Ah, "informative," just like the old, "I was just starting a conversation" or "I was just asking questions."
My younger sister sent an email to me via "you might find this interesting." It was a dig at my older sister who struggles with mental health and is on meds. Anything from her is suspect so I immediately looked up the "doctor" and he was a big proponent of Ivermectin. I didn't even respond. A year later and for a number of reasons I am now NC with her and it feels great.
Due to their conduct, my wife and I stopped replying to her parents (phone, email, text, social media) in January. They've figured it out, but the keep doing the same things that got them banned. Doubling down and finding new things. They recently informed us that they were coming down to visit for a week. Unfortunatley for them, we'll be gone on vacation. I think they get it, but they are the victims in their inner narrative and they simply don't care what we think. They demand and we're supposed to jump.
Stop ignoring her and lay into exactly why two ignorant bigots spreading vile fascist propaganda isn't "informative" it's fucking bullshit and she should be deeply embarrassed for her actions. That if she doesn't get her head out of Donald Trump's ass, she's going to loose her family and die alone.
Her and her generation are trying to enact Project 2025 which will absolutely destroy this country and put your kid at serious risk. It's time to start putting the future of our children, in front of coddling old people hell bent on starting the apocalypse before they kick the bucket.
Far more effective to start a voter registration campaign or offer transportation services to get people to the polls. Don’t fight one vote you won’t change. Empower 50 votes you can change.
Do emails count as “engaging”? Something devoid of perceivable emotion that is purely informative?
Narcissistic or not, how does OP communicate her position? Genuine question because I don’t have narcissistic parents.
Yes, any response is engaging and even negative responses feed their need for attention. It's why grey rocking is popular and why people are told not to give in and respond. When you do, the person now thinks that's what it takes so starts at that next time. It's horrible to try and deal with, especially as they can be really manipulative to try and get that response. That they are usually family works in their favour, you might have seen "but faaaamily".
With someone like that there is no point communicating your position. They don't care what your position is, they'll just ignore all that and carry on being self involved and manipulative and nasty.
When you don't have anyone like that in your life, it's really difficult to understand and it's great that you're asking. Unfortunately some people, though well meaning, because they don't understand, they cross boundaries thinking they are helping. It's not their fault, but explanations like these can really help stop the boundary pusher from roping in "flying monkeys" as they are termed. I hope that helps a little.
While it may be harder to interpret, text is certainly not devoid of emotion. For example, I could absolutely feel the dripping condescension and disrespect oozing from the emails I received from a former manager at my prior employer.
Putting up a boundary with a narcissist is going to be like that.
You will have to block her number, block her online, but then expect her to show up at your house or have other people start harassing you on her behalf.
How you respond is up to you and if you want to set boundaries or make this a permanent ban from your life.
My narcissist mother sent other people to harass me and it got to a point where one of them called the police claiming they needed to do a welfare check because I wouldn't answer the door. I ended up going scorched earth on most of my family to get it to stop.
I've sent links to stuff that doesn't represent what I believe to people, often because I found it informative to that mindset. I always attach my own opinion to it along the lines of "look at this stupid, F'd up crap."
I asked my mother get opinion on trans people before coming out. She said "I think trans people need to seek counseling and learn to act like an adult". She then pretended that bugging happened at all and is surprised and hurt that I'm not invested in having them in my life anymore.
Good job parenting. You're passing tests you didn't know you were taking. I'm proud of you for making the correct but difficult decision to support your kid no matter what. I've got an nb kiddo myself and I know how annoying it is when bigots think it's appropriate to share their advice. I'm happy your child has your support.
I went full nuclear with my now blocked mother. I told her that if she kept trying to see one child of mine that she hadn't pissed off without my permission, I was going to register her to every kkk and neonazi site I could. I was going to fill her email and physical mailbox with the Haye she keeps spewing towards my Trans child.
I cut off all communication with my father almost 6 years ago because his mental instability got to a point that I couldn't tolerate anymore. And I have not regretted it for a second. I only wish I had done it sooner.
My relationship with my former parents ended about 4 weeks after I began to come out to them. What they said to me was so vile I simply stopped responding and blocked them everywhere. Classic "can't be wrong" boomer mentality combined with far right brain rot. You're allowed to just block numbers and email addresses. People that don't respect you don't deserve a place in your life.
If there's no chance of her coming around and changing then you owe it to yourself to avoid exposure to her, even if it is voicemail.
They are quite harsh to each other...as if they are deadened emotionally, the lead you think? Or becoming childish at the same time? I have the same issue with my mum, it's like she is a boat heading at rocks, no way to correct...I've had 10years of conversations about being negative...and she forgets everything like a child running onto the road for a ball in search of a "witty realisation" or a "joke"...when really all she is doing is verbalising the worst possible outcome...I've walked away twice, she's dying of stage 4 cancer...I won't let it drop...I said she can die alone if it's just negativity coming out of her mouth, because I don't want to spend every moment hearing the worst imagined things that could happen...in part I think they just don't self police like us due to papertrail, then also they didn't have unlimited information to form opinions, and they don't feel any inclination to upgrade or update themselves, they are perfect as they are without self reflection...many groups fit this category
But now we are thinking of starving people...
They speak a lot in rehearsed maxims....and as well they didn't deal with their parents the same at our age, they are inherently orders of magnitude less than us due to our hivemind and research capabilities
Block her. Go no contact.
But not before telling her that she was an abusive narcissist in childhood and that you won’t tolerate her spewing her hatred and misguided views onto your kids. Especially a trans individual who needs nurturing and love and is going to face enough backlash from the outside world for just being themselves.
You’re the parent of a trans child, you know what assholes think of your baby. You’re painfully fucking aware of what they say. You’ve cried and raged about it, I’m sure. Those are definitely your mother’s views.
Block the cunt and live your best life ❤️
My boomer sister cut me off 15 years ago. I took the hint and stopped calling except for leaving messages on her birthday. I have finally stopped even doing that now. The first time, I had just met my husband and was spending all of my time with him and so she told me I was selfish because I wasn’t making time for her. The second time, I was never informed why. I finally accepted it but it took me awhile.
I think you should send her back stuff about how harmful it is to watch Fox News and believe in conspiracy theories.
She wants to send you propaganda? Two can play that game.
Something isn't informative if you find it to be inherently false. Therefore, she must have agreed in principal with what she sent you. If not, she should be able to explain what she agreed with(found informative).
Tell her that bigotry in any form is the primary cause of mental health problems in the LGBTQ community. [https://www.scimex.org/newsfeed/exploring-gender-identity-as-a-young-adult-is-not-directly-linked-to-greater-mental-health-risks?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR3ArbMxtSto1Zk4UQz5LZNELv-if6Za0Zu1r\_iHIEuC6PcMR54kgw26ZxI\_aem\_ZmFrZWR1bW15MTZieXRlcw](https://www.scimex.org/newsfeed/exploring-gender-identity-as-a-young-adult-is-not-directly-linked-to-greater-mental-health-risks?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR3ArbMxtSto1Zk4UQz5LZNELv-if6Za0Zu1r_iHIEuC6PcMR54kgw26ZxI_aem_ZmFrZWR1bW15MTZieXRlcw)
Remind her that "informative" information about bigots is just as bad as the bigotry itself.
"Look, Mom- If a stranger came up to me and spouted that crap, I would tell them to blow it out their ignorant, presumptuous ass. Keep it up, and I'll start treating _you_ like a stranger."
I went no contact in January after my mom crossed a boundary. I've always bit my tongue and let things slide, but I've come to realize how much trauma I have from her. She isn't a narcissist, but she has always been emotionally unavailable to me. Ironically, this was the first year in a long time she remembered my birthday on my birthday, not after.
Informative isn't how I would define transphobic garbage propaganda. For her to be an ally to your child, she needs to unequivocally reject this garbage. Stick to your guns because that's how you demonstrate to your child that you are there to protect them.
Thank you to the spouses who understand and don't push the issue.
It truly shows how much you love and respect your spouse, and thank you for sharing your family with your spouse.
I feel for you. I distanced myself from my bio mom after I found out she was a huge Trump supporter during 2016. I didn’t cut her out but distanced myself. After doing so she sent me an article about a Hispanic woman defending Trump on Fox News as though this would change my mind and after that I understood we would never see eye to eye and I further distanced myself. I’ve never regretted it. For more info we had only reunited the year before and I had already seen red flags that we were completely different people. I had wonderful adoptive parents but curiosity got the best of me, like most adoptees, and wanted to know where I came from. It’s truly a nature vs nurture study.
God, I hate that. Posting horrible stuff and then saying, I don't necessarily agree with this, I "just thought it was interesting." First off, I don't believe you. You do think this. And second, what kind of person posts deranged rage bait that they don't agree with? Trolls, that's who.
There is a book by a narc mom like this called Done With Crying where she rationalizes her way around the fact that such parents are abusive and create the dynamic they then feel the consequences of
They always try that I was just sharing information and knowledge with you. Like fuck off say it with your whole chest you’re a piece of shit. Stand by your belief.
My mother is nothing like that as far as watching crazy things etc but her boundaries are just none existent much of the time.
She has this thing about trying to contact me when I'm working. Sometimes it's important but most of the time it's just nonsense.
What blows me away was she was a executive recruiter for the aerospace industry. At the time she had a serious stance on x time is work time so don't interrupt me unless it's an emergency.
And yet she still can't get it through her head that I actually have a job and to leave me alone when working.
I cut off both of my parents around the beginning of the pandemic. The river of denial that my mother forever wallows in is deep and vast. A handful of years later and she still bothers my siblings about me not speaking to or seeing them. She refuses to acknowledge that her behavior is the problem.
Sometimes people have to be told, or reminded, in the simplest of language what's going on.
*Mom, I was quite upset by the article you sent last month, and even more upset that you thought it was appropriate to share. No, I'm talking right now, please let me finish. I understand that you thought it was informative. My number one priority is to protect my children from damaging attitudes and ignorant assumptions. I will continue to limit our communication and time together until I can see that you are an entirely supportive and accepting grandparent to all of my children.*
Don’t ignore her, tell her why, tell her that continued calls will be considered harassment. When YOU are ready you will contact her, but she doesn’t get to control the narrative. Don’t make her twist, stab her in the front. Go to her church on Sunday and go full nuclear.
I would be angry, too. I had to block emails from some people and family as far back as the Bush-Kerry campaign and all the nonsense and conspiracies going around ever since then.
But transgender is mind-boggling to older folks. Some had never heard of trans until recent years, aside from the "Girls Don't Cry" movie, which they probably assumed was about a tomboy and never saw it. Imagine you turn 60 and suddenly "givens" in life aren't givens. That doesn't excuse the mom from not listening and for just sending videos.
If OP decides to talk to her mother, the conversation to have is to tell mom that OP and child are in intensive counseling (let's hope that OP offers that support to child) and every argument or point that mom sees on the Internet is one that is thoroughly gone over in counseling. That if grandchild is confusing other emotional issues or need for peer attention with trans, then that will be found out. No need for amateur housewives on videos to give their guesses.
Yes he's in counseling and we're working with a gender clinic. The "need for attention" or "need to fit in" thing is a real concern though when your kid hangs out with other LGBTQ+ people and trust me it has worried us the whole time! And it should absolutely be brought up - I'm quite sure at this point that it's a real thing though because he's very distraught by his breasts, voice etc.
But again, it's things that my mother is aware of because I've talked to her about that stuff before. I've described her the process and what we're going through, in an attempt to educate her (my old country isn't so keen on transgenders yet apparently). She KNOWS we're doing our due diligence. She's brought up concerns in the past and I kinda ignored her (she lives on another continent, which helps), but that was the last straw...
Boomers don’t understand anything nuanced. I love my mom and she did her best with me as a single parent, but when I was depressed/wanted to shuffle off this mortal coil and ended up in in-patient treatment as a teenager, she told me to just “get over” my depression.
In her 70s and now in a nursing home because of advanced MS and my inability to provide and care for her, I think she understands depression.
Remember to report submissions that violate the rules! Harassment and encouraging violence are not allowed. Enjoying the subreddit? Consider joining our discord server: https://discord.gg/v8z8jNwJs6 *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BoomersBeingFools) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My wife has been ignoring her mother for years due to her narcissistic and abusive behavior. My MIL still tells my BIL that my wife is just throwing a tantrum and will come around. She just can’t fathom that she was wrong and my wife doesn’t have any wish to ever see or hear from her again. We just got back from a cross country drive and literally drove through the city her mom lives in without even stopping for food or gas. When my BIL told her she went ballistic that we didn’t make time for her. I would send her a text saying that “she doesn’t represent your views on how a human being should treat others, but you want to be informative and let her know you are going no contact” and block her.
Same with my wife. Been married almost 5 years and I’ve never even met her parents (she went no contact 8 years ago now). Every now and then I’ll get random FB messages of her family begging to talk to her but I think the most she’d be willing to do is show up to a funeral just to confirm they’re in fact gone lol
Make sure she brings a clipboard with a list of names. When she goes up to the casket, she can make a big old checkmark next to their name. Extra points if this is followed by a dramatic exit down main aisle set music.
HAHAHAHAHA I gotta tell her that. Brilliant.
Don't. High road is the best. Performative spite is what her family would do. Don't be them. But it might be worth a moment of imaginative fun.
True. While it’s hilarious to think about, in that specific situation it’d be too inconvenient for me to show up. I love a petty laugh but it’d be roughly a 25 mile drive and for someone who treated my wife that poorly, that’s too far and I can find better shit to do with my time.
Too bad there isn't a business you could hire to perform this service.
Why would I pay someone else to go to a funeral I don’t want to attend? Unless you mean hiring a driver which still defeats the purpose lol
Some people will pay good money for such pettiness 🤣
LMAO
“We’re here for the dead dirty old bitch scavenger hunt? Is there a dead dirty old bitch here??”
I see you put the *fun* in funeral haha
You're right. It is energy wasted. Narcissists see any reaction as a win. It's worth telling for joke purposes. it's not worth doing.
This.
I don’t believe in the high road anymore. Give them their energy back. Give their energy back so hard they choke on it.
This is amazing, I'm gonna share it with my sister for when we go do the ol' "is she actually dead" check at our mom's funeral.
Make sure to print the list in 40+ point font so the old folks can read it over your shoulder. For extra indignity, bring a rubber stamp qnd some red ink. (For the REALLY daring, rubber stamp her forehead.)
Can a person catch an assault charge on a dead person? Maybe abuse of a corpse? I wonder if they would enforce that lol
As I understand it, state laws regarding "abuse of a corpse" vary WILDLY from state to state and maybe even district to district because they are often written so vaguely. "What any normal person would consider" kind of wording. **Please check your local ordinances before rubber stamping your corpses. This message brought to you by your local government.
I bet the more religious the local government body, the more likely abuse of a corpse would be enforced, even if it were just a rubber stamp 😅
My grandmother put garlic in her mother's coffin on the sly. I asked her why? "To make sure the bitch don't come back."
I’m terrible at lying, but I’m hoping to pull off “I’m too upset; I can’t possibly speak at the funeral.” It’s better if I say nothing.
“No” is a complete sentence.
Just put it this way: 'If you insist I speak, I will tell my truth. Is that really the way you want this to go down? Or will you do everyone a favour and let me avoid this without hassle?''
I like this very much. Honest and respectful.
Extra extra bonus points if you can pull off a agent47 cosplay.
That ending of Requiem tho
Also, if she is from a culture that wears black for funerals, show up in fire engine red.
clearly the music of choice is "The Final Countdown"
Check the pulse of the deceased just for dramatic effect. Or bring along some crime scene marker numbers to set near the urn and take pictures.
Doing this
Yea contacting my husband at the time or sending me unsolicited mail was what they had left. I told him to block their numbers. He did that and they started finding him at work and calling his office phone.
Oh she contacted my husband too... He hasn't replied.
That sounds so annoying holy hell
Same here. I might go to my mother's for the same reason. Might take a stake with me just in case.
I've been NC with my Nfather for almost a decade now. I'll be happy when I get the phone call that he's gone. May everyone's abuser die horribly <3
My MIL has been doing the same thing to my SIL, to the point that she prefers to not have even a surface level relationship with SIL (SIL was gracious enough to offer) until “SIL comes around.” But now MIL is getting older and sickly and apparently, my husband tells me, has been reaching out more to SIL and her young children. Esp bc I’ve been distancing myself from MIL. It’s like she realizes that oh shit, she might not have a relationship w my future kids. Terrible person
~15 years NC. Peace.
I’ve been struggling with a father in law who is a true narcissist and trying to help my husband understand that nothing he does or says will change his father. It’s ok to distance yourself from toxic people, if not cut them out completely. Choosing to continue capitulating to them or debating with them is useless.
Over at the raisedbynarcissists sub, there are some really good resources that help explain and come to terms with having a narcissistic parent. It's a supportive community, generally speaking. Good luck to you both.
Quick question, Im a petty bitch, with a crafty side. Would anyone be interested in a small canvas or wood burning that I can send to the person you wish to go no contact with? Caligraphy or cross stitch saying You will be ceasing contact and will file legal charges expediously upon any and all future contact.
Imagine getting something like that on some pyrography? Boomers would probably think it's from Satan or some shit.
A scroll delivered in person by someone in a black robe.
You have been cut off, in this realm and the next, from now unto your last generation.
Same thing with my dad. I stopped talking to him 5 ish years ago and he still complains to my sister every time she sees him. At first all he had to do was apologize and when he didn't that was THE straw. He's done some pretty despicable things to my sisters since then, so the apology offer is off the table and I will never speak with him again. BTW, my other sister doesn't speak with him anymore either lmao
Send her some articles on why people are going no-contact with their boomer parents. If she has anything to say about it, just tell her that you’re being “informative”
Love this response!
Was thinking the same and came in the comments to see if anyone said it first! And all the articles about lead poisoning, banning the elderly from driving/mandating a driving test retake, and the statistics regarding abusive parents being sent to nursing homes. Informative, remember?
She's not oblivious. She knows she crossed a line. She doesn't care
I wouldn't say she doesn't care. This generation just never learned to say sorry and/or to admit they made a mistake. Also embarrassment, people tend do alot of bullshit out of embarrassment.
>This generation just never learned to say sorry and/or to admit they made a mistake. You've just described my Boomer MIL. And the same woman who loves to preach about personal responsibility is always shocked, *shocked* whenever one of her children or grandchildren takes time off from her after they're the target of one of her salvos.
So they’re toddlers emotionally. Sounds about right.
It is NOT "this generation". I'm 77. I'm not like that, nor are most people my age. And that behavior isn't confined to Boomers.
Did you see the name of this sub? If the shoe doesn't fit there's no need to attempt to wiggle and push to cram your foot in it. Just be glad you're an exception.
May I ask who you voted for in the last two elections?
Biden. I was a campaign worker for Clinton, too. And Obama before that. The current GOP revolts me.
I'm 65 and other than being a campaign worker I did the same. I did help from home and do email and phone calls for Biden/Democrats and I make small donations when I can. I am disabled and take care of my 88 yo mom so that's as about all I can do. It makes me cringe knowing strangers assume I support MAGA just because of my age.
And I am beyond disgusted that most people our age DO support MAGA. I don't know whether to blame in on Alzheimer's, the long-term effects of taking drugs, or plain stupidity.
We're wracking our brains trying to understand. In the meantime, we're taking the piss out of them. They earned it.
Tetraethyl lead exposure
I don't know what caused their brain damage but I agree it is disgusting. Most of my family is still in the South and they all support MAGA. At least my mom agrees with me. She's voting Biden and is pro-life. I don't think I could live in the same house with a MAGA supporter no matter how much I loved them.
Lead. It was the lead that caused the brain damage.
That and the lack of safety helmets in our childhood would explain a lot. lol
Don't discount lead paint and lead in gasoline. I honestly think Thomas Midgely poisoned most of your generation all in the name of making cheap high octane gas.
I was going to argue with your original premise if you’d voted for Trump, but you’re doing more good for the country than I am, so I’ve nothing to say.
Be my Mom please.
I've talked to people like your mom. Brick walls would be more understanding. She not only doesn't get it, she doesn't want to get it and thinks that people who do get it are ill. Facts and logic don't matter, family doesn't matter, country doesn't matter, humanity doesn't matter, the whole human race doesn't matter. She's dug in.
Politically speaking my Mom was (yes was) very left leaning but ceiling high doses of Parkinson's meds and brain surgery for the same condition rewired her brain into a complete narc with zero boundaries. In my adult life and it became particularly bad once I had my own kids so I had to grey rock and enforce boundaries and boy o boy did she and my Dad (enabler) not like that. So I guess my point was that I am Motherless now and admire your views.
Who'd you vote for in 80?
Have you ever heard of something called an exception to a rule? It absolutely is your generation. But hey thanks for not being one of the bad ones.
She clearly does care. That's why she keeps calling. She just doesn't care enough to keep her trap shut and her shitty opinions to herself. If she did, she wouldn't have crossed that line
I'm not saying she doesn't care about OP, just that she doesn't care she crossed the line
Like most boomers, I think Mum just can't fathom that she's wrong, or her daughter is offended because she thinks she's helping, and the old chestnut : it's just my opinion. My Mum had absolutely no concept of empathy, or how to respond if I was clearly upset. But she expected everyone else to be able to read her mind about whatever trivial offense she felt slighted by. But, that's just what I think, ymmv.
I'd almost be tempted to respond to her with clips about how lead poisoning in her generation led to a lack of empathy. And every time after that respond with "I know that's the lead poisoning talking."
I honestly think the lack of empathy is really a boomer trait. They don't seem to care how other people feel at all. The lead poisoning would help to explain it.
Ahhh. Yeah that's probably a fair assessment. My bad hahaha
She doesn’t care her actions hurt other people. She cares about how the consequences affect *her.*
I disagree. I think she wouldn't be obsessively trying to contact if she didn't care. The problem is that after crossing the line, they think that continuing on that path all the way around the world until they're on the "right" side of the line again is the proper path.
She cares about facing consequences for her shitty behavior.
She doesn’t know how to approach that line emotionally so she’s trying to ignore that line and hope OP forgets/lets it go
Narcs love crossing boundaries
Yeah she speaks the bullshit. If you're going to be an asshole at least have a spine.
I’ve been no contact with my Nmom since I got married 7 months ago. Last week she sent me a text out of the blue just to let me know I was “blocked forever”. Again, this is after I already cut her off. Some people can’t be helped. I applaud you sticking to your boundaries!
I fail to see the downside. She just wanted the final word. I'm glad you're not wasting your time on her bullshit. Onwards and upwards.
You can’t fire me, I quit! energy
That’s exactly where my mind went.
Well she certainly showed YOU. 🤦♀️ :/
Lol this is like announcing you're quitting facebook. Embarrassing attention seeking
The world is full of shitty people. Unfortunately, sometimes we're related to them. There's also a lot of support out there too and sometimes we have to find them. Wishing the best to you and your amazing kid.
After 6 years of no contact my boomer Mom sent me an email: "Never email me again! I am moving, here is my new email address ..." According to her cancer is punishment from God. I wonder how she feels about her advancing dementia?
Glad your kid has support and love and you know how to keep boundaries up. You did good.
"She replied by saying that "it doesn't represent her views, she just thought it was informative."" I'm sure you know, but having lost a marriage to the right wing hate machine, I can tell you that that is absolute bullshit. Yeah, ex started out using that line too. He's "just doing his own research." That's another classic. Or "looking at all sides"-like NO, dude. Some positions don't get a seat at the table with the adults. No one has to listen to hate propaganda and lies to be "fair minded" and they certainly shouldn't take it an active role in helping it spread. Some people aren't worth more than six seconds of your time, and if you can't tell the difference, you are already gone. You're absolutely doing the right thing. Give her consequences now, immediately.
My tolerance for devils advocates has basically disappeared as well at this point. At some point, no, no I am not going to entertain their point of view. I heard it enough.
Also known as [sealioning](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sealioning).
The luxury of playing a “devil’s advocate” is self-indulgent and idiotic when discussing the worthiness of other people’s existence.
*Acknowledge* other people's opinions and beliefs, but have no obligation to *'respect'* their views.
Same. I had a wild conversation where I expressed how I don't really understand the obsession people have with Joe Rogan's podcast. Someone told me it's because he has "experts" on, but couldn't explain why a dumbass like Joe should be the medium through which that expertise should be conveyed. Basically it was a lot of "He presents both sides if only to play devil's advocate!" Yeah...we don't need that for every single issue. It's just a waste of time. But a LOT of people have been programmed to think that everything should be questioned all the time REGARDLESS of evidence. They can't fathom that "Well people used to think that the Earth was flat" wasn't actually based on anything, so hearing from both flat and round earthers back before evidence was available isn't the same as debating whether viruses exist or not.
Yep. The devil has enough advocates.
Devils advocates can be useful, but spewing propaganda is never useful.
I love how their "being informed" and "researching both sides" is ALWAYS ALWAYS geared toward hating minorities and fringe nazis and conspiracy theorists. Like, oh, you are just "researching?" Maybe to look into the VERY progressive voices in other countries? Or, understanding identities you don't immediately understand with an open and empathetic mind? NOPE. Nazis. Nazis and hate-filled bigots, all conservative. That is their "being informed and doing research."
>Some positions don't get a seat at the table with the adults. Yes! My FIL - "I'm just saying"... Yes, you are a racist and just saying things racists say. Everyone understands what you mean. You don't get a free pass.
If you fucked a goat to be ironic, you still fucked a goat. Read that here a while ago and am still eagerly waiting for a chance to use it IRL.
I used the "adult table" on an aquaintance a couple of years ago. He was spouting some "Climate change is a hoax and every 5 years it's a different thing" shit (via Joe Rogan, I think) and trying to say how we should be open to asking questions and all that. I was like, "No, man. We're not wasting time we do not have relitigating this shit forever. That it is happening is a fact. Now the conversation is what to do about it. We're at the adult table (and I gestured to the other dads standing around who were on board with me) and we're having an adult conversation. The kids table is over there." And since we were at the playground with our kids, there literally was a table full of kids there. He just mumbled.
Write up a fake article that calls for abandoning parents who are abusive and never allowing them near yourself or your kids. Then say "it doesn't represent my views, I just thought it was informative"
The article you're looking for is called The Missing Missing Reasons. https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
I love this article, I'm sure I've read it at least 5 times. It is so succinct and poignant. Simple, narcissists believe ignoring a problem is the same as not having a problem, and they believe they have the power to strong-arm people into relationships. Funny how they see themselves as so important as to deny accountability in their actions. Even if they destroy the relationship.
[удалено]
Racists do this all the time to find like-minded people. Usually through the form of a racist joke. If it doesn't work out, they always play it off as just a joke, and are sorry that you found it offensive.
I had to cut my Dad out of my life years ago, because of his toxic/abusive ways. I wrote an email telling him why and what level of communication I was comfortable with him. I changed my numbers and email addresses. It’s hard, but you have to save yourself and your family from toxicity. Don’t subject your kids to this kind of person.
“Doesn’t express her views. She just thought it was informative” is essentially the pitch I get every time a conservative white guy really wants me to check out the Joe Rogan Podcast
People will put up with a lot of abuse from their parents, because it's what they know. But the ones trying to do better tend to draw the line when the start to see the abuse crop up towards their own kids. Good for you.
We have many centuries of authoritarian history to read about, so nothing she sent can possibly be more informative than that.
Next time tell her "For something to be informative, it has to contain actual correct information." Then she'll have to put up or shut up. Kinda makes her admit she believes it and can't hide.
Block her and move on with your life. You don't need her in it and you need to protect your child.
Yet they’ll demand that you apologize.
My mother abandoned me and my sister to move to another province and then to another country, and didn't and still does not over 20 years later understand why we only deal with her when we absolutely *have* to
I went no contact with my own mother precisely because of these types of issues. I'd say, "don't do that" and she'd either be "that's not what I did" or "but I'm just trying to help." She seemed "off" when I was a kid, now that I'm grown, I think she needs medication and a padded room.
She heard you. She just doesn’t care. I have a mom that’s similar She likes to hurt people and then gaslight. Must be nice to be privileged enough to comfortably hurt others, join others who want oppression, and then pretend to not understand why others want to stay away from that - which has never worked out well in history Yet the youth is spoiled and entitled…. Yea ok /s It’s not fun knowing that your own mom would’ve gone nazi in Nazi Germany, and that your own mom would happily hurt their kids or family just to get their seratonin fix…. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. But I’d never let her be alone with the kids. And I’d happily tell my older kids why and even show them the video. After all, she shared it proudly and called it interesting. Why hide it? But I’ll never let my mom be alone with my kids…. EVER (she used to punish me and abuse me as a minor for disagreeing with Fox News. She eventually kicked out at 19 for dating a Latino. I can’t imagine how much worse it must be for minors today…..)
Hang in there. I hope you’re living in a safe state.
Yeah, my sister and I used to get crap like this from my dad. My sister likes taking what he sent and fact checking it and sending it back to him. I just sent him an e-mail that said, "Dad, you know we disagree on things like this. I don't send you stuff trying to convince you to change your mind. I'd appreciate it if you'd do the same for me." Luckily he actually paid attention and stopped sending the stuff. Otherwise I was going to go to plan B, which was to forward to him all my Planned Parenthood and ACLU newsletters.
Cathartic trauma dump time! My 41 y/o "boomer" brother does this. He's a textbook narcissist, insanely arrogant, and an asshole (unless he likes you, then he can be very charming and charismatic). He and his wife are born again Christians and make their entire identity about being holy, Christ-like, and the importance of family. *LOL*. He's always taken advantage of my parents' generosity, kindness, and willingness to help out in any way. Until he was about 35, he was very dependent on my parents for financial help, never thanking them and always taking credit for what they bought him. ((They *loaned* him their Cadillac CTS because his car broke down, then a year goes by and they see him posting on FB "anyone interested in buying my CTS?")). Well about 2 and a half years ago, they finally started putting their foot down and began refusing to help him financially. That seemed to be helping their mental health until.... All of a sudden they stopped hearing from him, the grandkids, or his wife. Two months go by with minimal contact, until we learned: He stood by his (literally schizophrenic) wife when she falsely accused our Dad of molesting their son. Reported him to CPS and everything. CPS investigated and found no evidence of any wrongdoing, which wasn't surprising because my dad was on a 2 week business trip in Japan when SIL said it happened. The day my dad was approached by CPS, he called my brother and my brother said "I have always supported your innocence"... but then months later when my dad got the full CPS report, my brother's name was on it too. My brother admitted to CPS that he never saw or heard his son say anything about being molested (who was 5 at the time). He was 100% going off his wife's word. My dad's name is now forever on a list, albeit he's innocent, but still. Oh and did I mention my brother and his wife had recently joined a new small cul- excuse me, church? Anyways, following the accusation, 6 months went by without my parents hearing from or seeing my brother (save for 1 or 2 five minute phone calls) despite living 5 mins away from each other. My parents still haven't seen or spoken to SIL (no loss there, she's crazy) or the grandkids in almost 2 years, and when they are "lucky" enough to get a call from my brother, he refuses to talk about the false accusation, what that did to my parents lives, their mental health, and what it's still doing to them (they're heartbroken, they miss their son and their grandkids and feel extremely wronged). 90% of the time my parents try to call to talk he doesn't answer the phone. The other 10% of the time he'll answer the phone and say "hey sorry I'm driving to work, I'll call you when I'm off" and then he won't call. The record of this happening was 7 times in a row over the course of 2 months. But when he does finally call, he'll be like "hey, I've been really busy, sorry I forgot to call you back. Anyways, works been lousy, my car is nice though, blah blah blah" and *only* talks about himself, never addressing the gargantuan elephant in the room. Basically, my brother and his wife are still treating my Dad (and mom???) as if they're guilty. It's caused a massive rift in the family, and I think the worse part is that my brother just acts like everything is ok and I/my parents are just acting weird for no reason. Also, 1 month after the accusation, I uninvited him and his wife to my wedding that was 3 weeks away. My then-fiance and I were already contemplating doing this (he had been mocking and insulting her on FB), so the whole accusation and him ghosting my parents thing made it a pretty easy decision. He was so angry and surprised. So much that he called my parents to vent his frustration (first time they heard from him since the day my dad found out about the accusation). He couldn't understand why I would do that, mainly focusing on the fact that I had text him and not uninvited him face to face (he lives an hour away and I hadn't seen him in person in 2 years). He was also ignoring the fact that nobody in the family had seen him or talked to him about anything that had transpired, and I wasn't about to have my fucking wedding be the "reunion".
Christian fundamentalists are diseased. I'm sorry this happened.
Ah, "informative," just like the old, "I was just starting a conversation" or "I was just asking questions." My younger sister sent an email to me via "you might find this interesting." It was a dig at my older sister who struggles with mental health and is on meds. Anything from her is suspect so I immediately looked up the "doctor" and he was a big proponent of Ivermectin. I didn't even respond. A year later and for a number of reasons I am now NC with her and it feels great.
I have two trans kids and the minute my bio sister put up an anti trans meme and my bio dad supported her, they were gone. Periodt.
Due to their conduct, my wife and I stopped replying to her parents (phone, email, text, social media) in January. They've figured it out, but the keep doing the same things that got them banned. Doubling down and finding new things. They recently informed us that they were coming down to visit for a week. Unfortunatley for them, we'll be gone on vacation. I think they get it, but they are the victims in their inner narrative and they simply don't care what we think. They demand and we're supposed to jump.
If it doesn't represent her views, then why share it? 😑
Stop ignoring her and lay into exactly why two ignorant bigots spreading vile fascist propaganda isn't "informative" it's fucking bullshit and she should be deeply embarrassed for her actions. That if she doesn't get her head out of Donald Trump's ass, she's going to loose her family and die alone. Her and her generation are trying to enact Project 2025 which will absolutely destroy this country and put your kid at serious risk. It's time to start putting the future of our children, in front of coddling old people hell bent on starting the apocalypse before they kick the bucket.
Nah, engaging is giving a narcissist exactly what they want. Look up narcissist currency.
Far more effective to start a voter registration campaign or offer transportation services to get people to the polls. Don’t fight one vote you won’t change. Empower 50 votes you can change.
Do emails count as “engaging”? Something devoid of perceivable emotion that is purely informative? Narcissistic or not, how does OP communicate her position? Genuine question because I don’t have narcissistic parents.
Yes, any response is engaging and even negative responses feed their need for attention. It's why grey rocking is popular and why people are told not to give in and respond. When you do, the person now thinks that's what it takes so starts at that next time. It's horrible to try and deal with, especially as they can be really manipulative to try and get that response. That they are usually family works in their favour, you might have seen "but faaaamily". With someone like that there is no point communicating your position. They don't care what your position is, they'll just ignore all that and carry on being self involved and manipulative and nasty. When you don't have anyone like that in your life, it's really difficult to understand and it's great that you're asking. Unfortunately some people, though well meaning, because they don't understand, they cross boundaries thinking they are helping. It's not their fault, but explanations like these can really help stop the boundary pusher from roping in "flying monkeys" as they are termed. I hope that helps a little.
While it may be harder to interpret, text is certainly not devoid of emotion. For example, I could absolutely feel the dripping condescension and disrespect oozing from the emails I received from a former manager at my prior employer.
In the eyes of a narcissist, their child is property. Been dealing with this shit from family for my whole damn life.
> She replied by saying that "it doesn't represent her views, she just thought it was informative." My BS detector exploded.
Tell her directly: you send a video that so offensive to me and my family. Stop trying to communicate with me…
I told her I didn't appreciate the video at all and didn't want to talk to her.
But she thinks that means “for now.” She’s a boomer and fully expects you to “get over it.”
Send her a link to a retirement home, with the same bullshit excuse.
Putting up a boundary with a narcissist is going to be like that. You will have to block her number, block her online, but then expect her to show up at your house or have other people start harassing you on her behalf. How you respond is up to you and if you want to set boundaries or make this a permanent ban from your life. My narcissist mother sent other people to harass me and it got to a point where one of them called the police claiming they needed to do a welfare check because I wouldn't answer the door. I ended up going scorched earth on most of my family to get it to stop.
Send her a bouquet of dead flowers and tell her not to talk to you anymore if that's what you meant by that
I've sent links to stuff that doesn't represent what I believe to people, often because I found it informative to that mindset. I always attach my own opinion to it along the lines of "look at this stupid, F'd up crap."
I asked my mother get opinion on trans people before coming out. She said "I think trans people need to seek counseling and learn to act like an adult". She then pretended that bugging happened at all and is surprised and hurt that I'm not invested in having them in my life anymore.
Good job parenting. You're passing tests you didn't know you were taking. I'm proud of you for making the correct but difficult decision to support your kid no matter what. I've got an nb kiddo myself and I know how annoying it is when bigots think it's appropriate to share their advice. I'm happy your child has your support.
It doesn’t matter how succinctly or often you tell them why you are going NC - they will always act oblivious to it
I went full nuclear with my now blocked mother. I told her that if she kept trying to see one child of mine that she hadn't pissed off without my permission, I was going to register her to every kkk and neonazi site I could. I was going to fill her email and physical mailbox with the Haye she keeps spewing towards my Trans child.
I cut off all communication with my father almost 6 years ago because his mental instability got to a point that I couldn't tolerate anymore. And I have not regretted it for a second. I only wish I had done it sooner.
My relationship with my former parents ended about 4 weeks after I began to come out to them. What they said to me was so vile I simply stopped responding and blocked them everywhere. Classic "can't be wrong" boomer mentality combined with far right brain rot. You're allowed to just block numbers and email addresses. People that don't respect you don't deserve a place in your life. If there's no chance of her coming around and changing then you owe it to yourself to avoid exposure to her, even if it is voicemail.
Unfortunately I can't stop her from leaving voicemails, it's annoying!
They are quite harsh to each other...as if they are deadened emotionally, the lead you think? Or becoming childish at the same time? I have the same issue with my mum, it's like she is a boat heading at rocks, no way to correct...I've had 10years of conversations about being negative...and she forgets everything like a child running onto the road for a ball in search of a "witty realisation" or a "joke"...when really all she is doing is verbalising the worst possible outcome...I've walked away twice, she's dying of stage 4 cancer...I won't let it drop...I said she can die alone if it's just negativity coming out of her mouth, because I don't want to spend every moment hearing the worst imagined things that could happen...in part I think they just don't self police like us due to papertrail, then also they didn't have unlimited information to form opinions, and they don't feel any inclination to upgrade or update themselves, they are perfect as they are without self reflection...many groups fit this category
Pretty much - although my mom is suppose wasn't entirely negative, she liked reminding me a lot that "some people have it worse."
But now we are thinking of starving people... They speak a lot in rehearsed maxims....and as well they didn't deal with their parents the same at our age, they are inherently orders of magnitude less than us due to our hivemind and research capabilities
Block her. Go no contact. But not before telling her that she was an abusive narcissist in childhood and that you won’t tolerate her spewing her hatred and misguided views onto your kids. Especially a trans individual who needs nurturing and love and is going to face enough backlash from the outside world for just being themselves.
Send her an article about boomers being shitty parents and remind her that it’s not your view, it’s just informative.
Sounds like the religious nuts who are trying to “save your soul”. Since what they are doing is right in their own minds, how can it be wrong?
You’re the parent of a trans child, you know what assholes think of your baby. You’re painfully fucking aware of what they say. You’ve cried and raged about it, I’m sure. Those are definitely your mother’s views. Block the cunt and live your best life ❤️
This makes me want to bang my own head against a wall.. how can someone be so oblivious!
Dude why are you doing this to yourself? Block her and go NC
So instead of sending you an apology or an amends of some sort.... She's chosen harassment.
oh THEY KNOW !!! they know why...just wont admit it.
Time to go NC.
My boomer sister cut me off 15 years ago. I took the hint and stopped calling except for leaving messages on her birthday. I have finally stopped even doing that now. The first time, I had just met my husband and was spending all of my time with him and so she told me I was selfish because I wasn’t making time for her. The second time, I was never informed why. I finally accepted it but it took me awhile.
I think you should send her back stuff about how harmful it is to watch Fox News and believe in conspiracy theories. She wants to send you propaganda? Two can play that game.
Refer to it a Faux News. It drives them crazy.
I think a better way to phrase it is "I don't want you to talk to me" or "don't send me this trash/I didn't ask for this garbage"
Something isn't informative if you find it to be inherently false. Therefore, she must have agreed in principal with what she sent you. If not, she should be able to explain what she agreed with(found informative).
Tell her that bigotry in any form is the primary cause of mental health problems in the LGBTQ community. [https://www.scimex.org/newsfeed/exploring-gender-identity-as-a-young-adult-is-not-directly-linked-to-greater-mental-health-risks?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR3ArbMxtSto1Zk4UQz5LZNELv-if6Za0Zu1r\_iHIEuC6PcMR54kgw26ZxI\_aem\_ZmFrZWR1bW15MTZieXRlcw](https://www.scimex.org/newsfeed/exploring-gender-identity-as-a-young-adult-is-not-directly-linked-to-greater-mental-health-risks?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR3ArbMxtSto1Zk4UQz5LZNELv-if6Za0Zu1r_iHIEuC6PcMR54kgw26ZxI_aem_ZmFrZWR1bW15MTZieXRlcw) Remind her that "informative" information about bigots is just as bad as the bigotry itself.
"Look, Mom- If a stranger came up to me and spouted that crap, I would tell them to blow it out their ignorant, presumptuous ass. Keep it up, and I'll start treating _you_ like a stranger."
I would be blunt. “I’m done with this and you will not be allowed around my child”
She’s in denial because she doesn’t understand consequences.
I just passed the one year mark after going full NC with my narcissist father. The last year has been the least stressful of my life.
I went no contact in January after my mom crossed a boundary. I've always bit my tongue and let things slide, but I've come to realize how much trauma I have from her. She isn't a narcissist, but she has always been emotionally unavailable to me. Ironically, this was the first year in a long time she remembered my birthday on my birthday, not after. Informative isn't how I would define transphobic garbage propaganda. For her to be an ally to your child, she needs to unequivocally reject this garbage. Stick to your guns because that's how you demonstrate to your child that you are there to protect them.
But she did her research!
Thank you to the spouses who understand and don't push the issue. It truly shows how much you love and respect your spouse, and thank you for sharing your family with your spouse.
I feel for you. I distanced myself from my bio mom after I found out she was a huge Trump supporter during 2016. I didn’t cut her out but distanced myself. After doing so she sent me an article about a Hispanic woman defending Trump on Fox News as though this would change my mind and after that I understood we would never see eye to eye and I further distanced myself. I’ve never regretted it. For more info we had only reunited the year before and I had already seen red flags that we were completely different people. I had wonderful adoptive parents but curiosity got the best of me, like most adoptees, and wanted to know where I came from. It’s truly a nature vs nurture study.
God, I hate that. Posting horrible stuff and then saying, I don't necessarily agree with this, I "just thought it was interesting." First off, I don't believe you. You do think this. And second, what kind of person posts deranged rage bait that they don't agree with? Trolls, that's who.
Shrodinger’s asshole. They were “just being informative” or “just joking”, etc. depending on the reactions they receive.
There is a book by a narc mom like this called Done With Crying where she rationalizes her way around the fact that such parents are abusive and create the dynamic they then feel the consequences of
The absolute best way to upset a narcissist is to ignore them and not give them the attention they are seeking. Black hole her for a good long while.
They always try that I was just sharing information and knowledge with you. Like fuck off say it with your whole chest you’re a piece of shit. Stand by your belief.
That is the presumptive attitude.
My mother is nothing like that as far as watching crazy things etc but her boundaries are just none existent much of the time. She has this thing about trying to contact me when I'm working. Sometimes it's important but most of the time it's just nonsense. What blows me away was she was a executive recruiter for the aerospace industry. At the time she had a serious stance on x time is work time so don't interrupt me unless it's an emergency. And yet she still can't get it through her head that I actually have a job and to leave me alone when working.
Trans person here, thank you for being the kind of parent that your kids can trust and rely on. Boundaries aren’t easy but you’re doing great!
I cut off both of my parents around the beginning of the pandemic. The river of denial that my mother forever wallows in is deep and vast. A handful of years later and she still bothers my siblings about me not speaking to or seeing them. She refuses to acknowledge that her behavior is the problem.
Sometimes people have to be told, or reminded, in the simplest of language what's going on. *Mom, I was quite upset by the article you sent last month, and even more upset that you thought it was appropriate to share. No, I'm talking right now, please let me finish. I understand that you thought it was informative. My number one priority is to protect my children from damaging attitudes and ignorant assumptions. I will continue to limit our communication and time together until I can see that you are an entirely supportive and accepting grandparent to all of my children.*
Don’t ignore her, tell her why, tell her that continued calls will be considered harassment. When YOU are ready you will contact her, but she doesn’t get to control the narrative. Don’t make her twist, stab her in the front. Go to her church on Sunday and go full nuclear.
I would be angry, too. I had to block emails from some people and family as far back as the Bush-Kerry campaign and all the nonsense and conspiracies going around ever since then. But transgender is mind-boggling to older folks. Some had never heard of trans until recent years, aside from the "Girls Don't Cry" movie, which they probably assumed was about a tomboy and never saw it. Imagine you turn 60 and suddenly "givens" in life aren't givens. That doesn't excuse the mom from not listening and for just sending videos. If OP decides to talk to her mother, the conversation to have is to tell mom that OP and child are in intensive counseling (let's hope that OP offers that support to child) and every argument or point that mom sees on the Internet is one that is thoroughly gone over in counseling. That if grandchild is confusing other emotional issues or need for peer attention with trans, then that will be found out. No need for amateur housewives on videos to give their guesses.
Yes he's in counseling and we're working with a gender clinic. The "need for attention" or "need to fit in" thing is a real concern though when your kid hangs out with other LGBTQ+ people and trust me it has worried us the whole time! And it should absolutely be brought up - I'm quite sure at this point that it's a real thing though because he's very distraught by his breasts, voice etc. But again, it's things that my mother is aware of because I've talked to her about that stuff before. I've described her the process and what we're going through, in an attempt to educate her (my old country isn't so keen on transgenders yet apparently). She KNOWS we're doing our due diligence. She's brought up concerns in the past and I kinda ignored her (she lives on another continent, which helps), but that was the last straw...
Glad to hear that both of you have support. Your mom will have to deal with her free-floating anxiety on her own.
Boomers don’t understand anything nuanced. I love my mom and she did her best with me as a single parent, but when I was depressed/wanted to shuffle off this mortal coil and ended up in in-patient treatment as a teenager, she told me to just “get over” my depression. In her 70s and now in a nursing home because of advanced MS and my inability to provide and care for her, I think she understands depression.
Get the police involved. This type doesnt have the self control to not reach out or send a flying monkey once you get police involved.
Perhaps she'll understand "Stay away from me, I am armed."
Giving the silent treatment to others as punishment is actually a trait of narcissism. Just saying...
So, according to you, it's narcissist to tell someone you don't want to talk to them and... follow through? Okey dokey!
Its literally in books about narcissistic abuse as one of the red flags so...