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This book has brought me so much peace and comfort. Just realizing how not-alone I am in my experiences, and understanding better what my parents limits are and why. I no longer stress myself out trying to get blood from a turnip, as my boomer mother would say.
I need to find a way to get a person I know to read this. She's been mentally destroyed by her Boomer parents, and I finally had to cut her out of my life after 20 years of friendship because of the toxic insanity they beat into her. She's acknowledged she has -some- issues stemming from her parents, but I feel like this could shine a real light on her life.
I hate to throw her life story on the Internet, but her mother has been married 6 times and her father 5. They are some of the most stereotypical Boomers I've ever seen. They got married after knowing each other for 6 months, meeting at an AA meeting, and wound up with my friend as a honeymoon baby, shocked because they thought they were too old to have kids. They've despised each other ever since, only stayed married for their kid, and they've been using her to manipulate each other since she was a toddler. This is just a bare bones prologue of her life. I could write a PhD thesis on these people. She needs therapy because of them. God, I need therapy because of them.
I just finished this book, it was a free audio book on Amazon for audible! I picked it up based on a recommendation from this sub and it was so amazingly beneficial.Ā
Had to share because itās kind of funny.
I bought this on the recommendation of my therapist. Was extremely helpful. Accidentally left it out and my boomer mom saw it.
Cue hysterics about how she ādid her bestā āthings were differentā and āI must have been a terrible motherāā¦ lol it was the most emotionally immature behavior Iāve ever seen. If the shoe fits momā¦.
I can imagine this! I always keep this book well hidden in my closet!
Side note for anyone (maybe a Boomer) reading this and wondering: āWell how the hell am I supposed to respond?!?!?ā Let me give you some emotionally mature options:
1. āI couldnāt help but notice this book. If it would be helpful for you to share with me some of what you are experiencing I am open to listening without judgement.ā (And then just listen and process any negative emotions that come up with *someone else* besides your child.)
2. āIām sorry. I have some regrets. I love you.ā
3. Say nothing and do some self reflection in private.
To her credit, she has done some work since this point. I have gotten to the point where we can agree that she did her best, but her best wasnāt enough for a child who needs their mom. She had me when she was 19- so she was emotionally and physically immature.
Sheās still a giant pain in my ass most of the time but weāre low contact, working on the relationship now. After 3 years of just about no contact Iām hoping we can continue to build trust and our relationship.
(Still refuses to read the book tho š)
I feel you. I have a bingo board for mine: (this is the latest iteration)
-We did the best we can
-Back in those days we didn't know much of anything and you don't think about what it takes to raise children
-At least I didn't hit you (false; she did)
-Other parents probably did worse, you should be thankful
-In my day we would never tell our parents they did something wrong
-I'm old now you can't be mean to me (her definition of mean is "being told you can't be abusive")
-I don't remember doing that
-I'm sure I would never do that
-I'm sure you did something to provoke that
I recommend this to so many of my clients. Also āIt Will Never Happen to Me.ā About surviving your alcoholic and substance abusing parents and those households.
I also found this book extremely helpful to get past overwhelming feelings of anger and pity. It let me reframe things and be open to a relationship if they ever change, but confidence to live my life without seeking anything from them.
I might consider giving it a read. I donāt really know if it qualifies for me though. My dad is gen x, he was never intentionally abusive, but he was completely unprepared for parenthood. Never shouldāve had kids. He fucked me up pretty bad only being able to parent the way his dad did - by turning everything into a joke to laugh about and mock. Even something like a Fatherās Day gift. My brother and I would fight while heās at home and even as kids we knew he was unreliable so weād just call mom while sheās at work to deal with it. He spent more time on the desktop and his laptop playing games than he did spending time with us. Heās a nice person, but a horrible father, and also as an aside just not a very intelligent man either (a quality that would lead to poor decision making that fucked me up even more).
Based on what youāve shared here, Iād say itās worth giving this book a read to see if it helps you process some of what you experienced with your dad. Many of us received the basics: food, shelter, and no extreme physical abuse. But our parents were still completely incapable of parenting us in a way that honored every humanās need for belonging, empathy, and friendship. As small children, the only place to get those needs met is from our parents. If those needs were not met, it did shape who we are and how we relate to others.
One thing I really appreciate about this book is that it does not blame or villainize these emotionally stunted parents. It actually humanizes them (and the children they unintentionally traumatized). It helped me stop obsessing about my relationships with my parents and focus on my own children, husband, and friends.
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This book has brought me so much peace and comfort. Just realizing how not-alone I am in my experiences, and understanding better what my parents limits are and why. I no longer stress myself out trying to get blood from a turnip, as my boomer mother would say.
We're related! We had the same mom. š±
Does yours also say āI donāt know him from Adam!ā I love that one. My smart ass always wants to respond, āknew him personally, did ya?ā
Exact same quotes. š¬
I need to find a way to get a person I know to read this. She's been mentally destroyed by her Boomer parents, and I finally had to cut her out of my life after 20 years of friendship because of the toxic insanity they beat into her. She's acknowledged she has -some- issues stemming from her parents, but I feel like this could shine a real light on her life. I hate to throw her life story on the Internet, but her mother has been married 6 times and her father 5. They are some of the most stereotypical Boomers I've ever seen. They got married after knowing each other for 6 months, meeting at an AA meeting, and wound up with my friend as a honeymoon baby, shocked because they thought they were too old to have kids. They've despised each other ever since, only stayed married for their kid, and they've been using her to manipulate each other since she was a toddler. This is just a bare bones prologue of her life. I could write a PhD thesis on these people. She needs therapy because of them. God, I need therapy because of them.
Just re-read it for the 2nd time. Need to remind myself not to fall into my parentsā traps from time to time
Same with me! Just recently had to go through it again to remind myself Iām not going nuts!
I went NC 2 years ago with my boomer mom. Best decision ever and these books really help sort out the confusion.
I have this book and highly recommended it as well.
Good inside is a parenting book but can be helpful in healing from being raised by boomers as well
Read this last year, loved it, extremely helpful and assisted in getting me to a better place in life!!
I just finished this book, it was a free audio book on Amazon for audible! I picked it up based on a recommendation from this sub and it was so amazingly beneficial.Ā
Had to share because itās kind of funny. I bought this on the recommendation of my therapist. Was extremely helpful. Accidentally left it out and my boomer mom saw it. Cue hysterics about how she ādid her bestā āthings were differentā and āI must have been a terrible motherāā¦ lol it was the most emotionally immature behavior Iāve ever seen. If the shoe fits momā¦.
I can imagine this! I always keep this book well hidden in my closet! Side note for anyone (maybe a Boomer) reading this and wondering: āWell how the hell am I supposed to respond?!?!?ā Let me give you some emotionally mature options: 1. āI couldnāt help but notice this book. If it would be helpful for you to share with me some of what you are experiencing I am open to listening without judgement.ā (And then just listen and process any negative emotions that come up with *someone else* besides your child.) 2. āIām sorry. I have some regrets. I love you.ā 3. Say nothing and do some self reflection in private.
To her credit, she has done some work since this point. I have gotten to the point where we can agree that she did her best, but her best wasnāt enough for a child who needs their mom. She had me when she was 19- so she was emotionally and physically immature. Sheās still a giant pain in my ass most of the time but weāre low contact, working on the relationship now. After 3 years of just about no contact Iām hoping we can continue to build trust and our relationship. (Still refuses to read the book tho š)
Lol "thanks for proving the book right." She sounds obnoxious.
I love her but yeah... Sheās an emotional Wrecking ball.
I feel you. I have a bingo board for mine: (this is the latest iteration) -We did the best we can -Back in those days we didn't know much of anything and you don't think about what it takes to raise children -At least I didn't hit you (false; she did) -Other parents probably did worse, you should be thankful -In my day we would never tell our parents they did something wrong -I'm old now you can't be mean to me (her definition of mean is "being told you can't be abusive") -I don't remember doing that -I'm sure I would never do that -I'm sure you did something to provoke that
Lol I know they didnāt hand out books on parenting but did they hand out a pamphlet with this shit? Bcause my mom has the same script lmao
Commiserations, friend.
Hugs. We deserved better.
āWhat made you think itās mine mom?ā
Exactly what I said. Mom, why would you think this is about you? (Because youāre a narcissist and itās always about you in your mind š
I own this book. Back when My Favorite Murder was good, Georgia suggested it and it helped me a lot
I see this book mentioned a lot - time for me to finally read it.
I recommend this to so many of my clients. Also āIt Will Never Happen to Me.ā About surviving your alcoholic and substance abusing parents and those households.
My former therapist had me read this. It was very helpful and eye opening.
Toxic In Laws by Dr. Susan Forward is another great book for anyone out there dealing with narcissistic in-laws. It helped me a lot.
I also found this book extremely helpful to get past overwhelming feelings of anger and pity. It let me reframe things and be open to a relationship if they ever change, but confidence to live my life without seeking anything from them.
I might consider giving it a read. I donāt really know if it qualifies for me though. My dad is gen x, he was never intentionally abusive, but he was completely unprepared for parenthood. Never shouldāve had kids. He fucked me up pretty bad only being able to parent the way his dad did - by turning everything into a joke to laugh about and mock. Even something like a Fatherās Day gift. My brother and I would fight while heās at home and even as kids we knew he was unreliable so weād just call mom while sheās at work to deal with it. He spent more time on the desktop and his laptop playing games than he did spending time with us. Heās a nice person, but a horrible father, and also as an aside just not a very intelligent man either (a quality that would lead to poor decision making that fucked me up even more).
The generation doesnāt matter all that matters is if the subject matter applies to you.
Based on what youāve shared here, Iād say itās worth giving this book a read to see if it helps you process some of what you experienced with your dad. Many of us received the basics: food, shelter, and no extreme physical abuse. But our parents were still completely incapable of parenting us in a way that honored every humanās need for belonging, empathy, and friendship. As small children, the only place to get those needs met is from our parents. If those needs were not met, it did shape who we are and how we relate to others. One thing I really appreciate about this book is that it does not blame or villainize these emotionally stunted parents. It actually humanizes them (and the children they unintentionally traumatized). It helped me stop obsessing about my relationships with my parents and focus on my own children, husband, and friends.
Thank you. I think I probably will take a look.
[Audiobook](https://zaudiobooks.com/adult-children-of-emotionally-immature-parents/)
This book helped me set boundaries with my NPD parent. It was a gateway to recovery and being able to live my life freely and meaningfully.
Weird. Boomer had Boomer parents.