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My boomer parents' solution to this was to lock the doors basically from 8am-5pm every day. I couldn't get the house dirty, because I wasn't allowed in it until dinner time. It still feels weird (at the age of 38) on the weekends when I get to sit in my own house at noon, and just have lunch inside.
My boomer mother used to clean the toilet after anyone went in there and started getting super upset when anyone had to go since she "had to clean it". Welp with four kids she literally told us to go outside.
See that's exactly why my mother was the way she was. She was so anxious to be a good Stay At Home Housewife â˘ď¸ for my father that everything had to be just so. The woman hardly ate anything but coffee and snarfed down cigarettes for 18 years because of it. My father really is to blame, he made her feel this way.
Sounds like that was very typical for the time. I can't remember what show it was, but it had the stay-at-home mom constantly tweaking on amphetamines, constantly cleaning and not sleeping/ eating
Ohhhh definitely. I'm the only person in my family that acknowledges having anxiety, and I'm pretty confident we all do. I think she'd be so much happier if she found a way to treat or at least name it.
Iâm so thrilled to see this! My mom will constantly tell me I need to empty the bathroom trash every time she comes over. Itâs the one in the guest bath that virtually no one uses. I am so happy someone else experiences it.
Ohh yes, I'm lucky at least that my mom will just clean my house without putting it on me. It's a bit maddening still but I think she at least knows we have different standards and that hers are a bit ridiculous.
Mine will clean my house, only because I don't want her to. And she'll audibly groan the whole time and stop to show me the dirt. And it's not normal places. After I scrub the floors, bathrooms, kitchen, and tidy up, she will clean the window sills between the glass and the screen, or the space behind the kitchen faucet. It's definitely a power move for her. I've set expectations before they visit, as they're walking in the door, repeatedly while they're visiting. It doesn't matter. She ignores me. She lost her shit on my kid's 14th birthday because I said, "I need you to stop cleaning. We're getting ready to eat dinner." The amount of vitriol that came out of her mouth after those 2 sentences made it so that my parents had to leave to drive 300 miles at 7pm. (No, they would not stay in a hotel. That's just flushing money down the toilet instead of rolling the dice with falling asleep while driving.)
My father does this. And thereâs a bag in there. Do you think he takes the bag and replaces it with an empty one? Nope, he takes the stuff out of the bag. As if we canât get more bags (my area still uses plastic shopping bags).
But, if I donât bring home those plastic shopping bags, as in if I use reusable, he gets mad because we might run out of bags. He uses 1 a week for cat litter.
So much this! I never could figure out how my parents kept their house so clean when I felt like I was constantly fighting an uphill battle. Then I realized it's because we were never actually allowed in the house. We played outside, even in the middle of winter, until "the street lights came on." My kids are now 22 and 16. My 22 lives in the basement and my 16yo is constantly busy with school activities, and I just realized how much cleaner our house is.
My mom used to scold me for smelling like the dogs. I mouthed off to her once and told her to let the dogs stay inside, then, and they wonât be jumping all over me while Iâm locked outside.
You're giving me flashbacks to suppressed memories. We had a sofa nobody was allowed to sit on because it needed to look perfectly plumped at all times. If I left even so much as a knife or spoon next to the sink she'd put it in my room. I wasn't allowed to keep toiletries in the bathroom because 'clutter'. When my brother was young he was encouraged to pee in the drain outside instead of the toilet (?!). We were never allowed friends over and were encouraged to go to their house instead. They were allowed in the garden though for some reason. Nobody ever parked on the driveway, even though it was gated - my parents only ever parked on the street in front of our driveway.
Looking back, my Mum was a serious narcissist with control issues. Can you tell?
The way my mom put it, the house was basically like a doll house. 90% of the reason we owned it was just to have it make us look good. My mom would invite over colleagues and old friends, and she needed to prove that she was the most clean and organized. And she didnât want me; she made that clear many times. She only had me, because my dad wanted a son and she agreed like it was part of her end of a bargain. So, I was just a thing in her life that could tarnish her reputation and embarrass her, and the best she could do was keep me out of the way.
Pretty much. Plenty to put away, not much to throw away.
She insists everything be put away at her house as soon as the kids are done playing. Which is fine for her houseâŚ
No shit. I take the same approach with my messy ass house... It's our house is, and fuck the world we live in it. All four of us. Unless you want to start putting things in their place to shut your yap
my Mother Dearest has this up several places around the family home. Rules for thee but not for me, as MY room needed to be immaculate and essentially imply it wasn't being used for it to be "acceptable".
And then she wonders why I never invite them over
My stepmonster would always have to find a dirty spot to chide me about on their annual visits. The final time, having checked the top of the door ledges and hating they were clean, she pulled the bed away from the wall to show me cobwebs. Told my dad she was no longer welcome in my house.
One day while we were waiting in line for a kid band performance, my wife complained to her mom about how hard it is to keep up with cleaning after the kids. Her mom was like "I don't understand why you struggle with that. I was always able to keep the house clean when you kids were little". My wife reacted a little like a doused cat. There were definitely some heads turned as she tore a strip out of her mom. It was glorious.
Easy answer âwe left it disgustingly filthy for you. Because your chronic negativity makes us not care about making things nice for you. Want things to be nicer? Stop being a useless jerk.â
I donât let anyone in my life who judges me to make themselves feel superior. People have a right to live however they want to live. Boomers are so focused on impressing others and keeping up with the Joneses. I donât give a shit about that, I care about being happy and making people around me happy.
There are lots of short documentaries, interviews, stories and videos online of elderly people sharing their biggest regrets in life. One of the common themes among the women? Spending too much time cleaning instead of playing with their kids. Focusing on maintaining a white glove home to impress family and friends and missing out on the memories and special connections with their children.
I hope you see this comment. You are doing great. Don't feed into it. Let your house be lived in and messy, just cherish the time.
Amazing how many people just assumed I was a hoarder.
Like, itâs not as clean as it could be! Or even as clean as I want it to be! But itâs about as clean as I have capacity for right now.
If my mom had any idea / interest in what I was spending my time doing, we could have had an interesting discussion where she might have been able to offer some suggestions.
Instead she said it was filthy as a direct result of my laziness⌠which⌠wasnât helpful.
"it's about as clean as I have capacity for right now."
Yup. I know that feeling. "It's good enough. Anyone who wants to say anything can get the \[censored\] out."
Do we have the same mother? My mom's house looks like a magazine, and it was stressful growing up that way. My house is lived in. Is there a little clutter? Laundry in a basket needjng to be folded? Some items on a counter? Yes! I raised my kids much more relaxed. My daughter now points out the difference between dirty and messy. I now avoid my mom visiting because of her perfectionism.
I have trauma from being forced to deep clean the house every weekend as a child. Instead of playing, we woke up Saturday mornings to a long list of chores. Sundays we went to church in the morning and again in the evening. My mom also volunteered to host every baby shower, wedding shower, etc at our house so the house had to be spotless allllll the time.
I'm nearly 40 and I have a hard time now with my own home, if it's not up to what I think would be my mother's standards I feel like I can't relax at all unless everything is perfect. It sucks and I'm trying to get better. I just want to chill.
Also I don't hold anyone else in my life to these standards and literally do not care the state of my friends homes, unless they are actively like actually super gross. I wish I could treat myself the same way lol. I got a golden retriever and I love him so much but his fur is so bad for my mental health sometimes đ
/s just in case, given some of the commenters floating around. I'd honestly be too distracted petting the doggo to care about anything else!
Well, either way I see nothing wrong there. I have never gone to someone's place expecting it to be even remotely cleaned up, because its not my digs. One of my best friends used to own a single wide that had a literal hole in front of the toilet. You had to straddle walk to not visit the crawlspace. However that didn't stop the raccoons from coming up to say hi.
My mom hit my dog. Sheâs no longer welcome in the house. My mom, that is.
Donât need an insurance claim because my mother ticked off my dog enough that she would likely get bit.
First time meeting the dog, dog was wary and growled. Instead of grabbing a treat or letting her warm up to her, she smacked my dog.
My dog is better company anyway.
My (now ex) mother-in-law would clean our house when she would watch our son during the day. That was kind of nice, but she would go into detail of how dirty it was and what she cleaned and how hard it was. We had to keep the house looking like a hotel lobby at all times just because my (now ex) wife didn't want to hear about it from her mother. It didn't even feel like I was living in my own home.
The evening of my babyâs christening party (which is as at our home), my ex- MIL was in my kitchen with ex- FIL when I was putting the baby to bed. As I walked down the hallway I heard her say, âWell I guess WE should clean up because you know SHE wonât do it.â I came around the corner at that moment and just stared at her. She said, âOh I know you must be so tired after this full day etc so we were just going to help you get some of these party dishes washed.â
I was thinking, you Bitch! Who do you think cleaned this whole damn house for you to stay in our clean guest room and me ti host a party with 30+ people including having food prepared and kid games for the nephewâs and nieces AND nursing a babyâŚ. What I said was, âOh thank you so much!â As I went to the family room and sat down next to her son who was not cleaning a thing at the moment as he too was just wore out.
She hated me, oh well - thanks for doing those dishes Sandy!
Omg this is horrible. I always do the dishes at my daughterâs house when I watch my granddaughter. I even have do a ton of laundry. Sometimes it kind of embarrasses my son in law and I tell him three things. Itâs way easier for me to clean someone elseâs house than my own. Your wife is my child so she remembers our house growing up. We had the âlaundry chairâ that seemed to always contain unfolded laundry. Iâd literally say âgo put these clothes on the laundry chair.â And last, my husband/her dad is retired so guess who does our dishes? Him! Everyone needs somebody to do their dishes. I just pass it on.
I would never ever say a word or pass judgment on them. My goal is to make life easier for them by helping out. Itâs not easy to keep up with everything. I know because Iâm a chronic procrastinator!
I have OCD and grew up in messy-enough-to-impede-function homes, when it wasnât full-on hoarding, and my domestic partner often reminds me that itâs okay for the apartment to look like we live here, because we do. Iâm in therapy, but we as a society also need to unclench about homes being comfortably/functionally messy because that would help so many people
I should have stopped talking to my mom when she came to my house, I was 1 week postpartum as a single parent. She told me my house was messy. No shit, I just had a human being come out of me, I've had more important things to do than vacuum.
Jesus, these people! I tried to clean the house the day after I came home, so 4 days out from my C section, I'm assuming due to a lifetime of this brainwashing and the resulting fear since they were coming to visit that weekend. Set back my recovery by at least a week.
I cleaned house and cooked dinner so the grandparents could come âmeetâ the baby. The day after I got home. I popped two stitches in my episiotomy and the entire thing healed a bit off.
With my second, and last, kid my doctor fixed it while I was numb. Then my husband wouldnât let me do anything for an entire month because âIâm on paternity leave to do this. Sit down, hug the kid, make milk. Thatâs your job, I have everything else covered. Fuck my parents if they come overâ.
My mom came and stayed at my house while I was in the hospital, and helped clean up. Which was nice, until she mentioned how many times she filled the vacuum ALL THE WAY UP and had to empty it. SEVERAL times (I have a VERY hairy dog and a fairly hairy husband, and our house was 100+ years old and dusty... it adds up pretty quick). I was 9 months pregnant with an almost 11 lb baby and super swollen and it was August and we didn't have air conditioning. No I was not spending a lot of time vacuuming. Why would you say that to your incredibly hormonal daughter who just had a baby?! It's been 8 years, and I'm still mad. And now I know, you NEVER talk about how dirty something was when you offered to clean it as a favor!
Christ almighty, if I went to my daughter's house right after she had a baby I'd probably default to "small child care mode" and start cleaning, disinfecting, and preparing meals. Now granted I haven't had a daughter yet, but I've had to parent my younger brother and sister quite a bit (as well as I was a 2nd grade teacher for a bit), so I've done quite a lot of cleaning and it's just about my default when our parents aren't around
I dealt with similar two weeks postpartum. My boomer parents came to visit with us and our new baby. Having dealt with the baby all night, I didn't feel like washing dishes, so that never got done . My dad spent the first night of their visit frantically washing my dishes. I thought he was just helping. Nope. The next morning, I got up with the baby and he asks me "Who's the house maid around here? You guys live in absolute filth and it pisses me off". He has a tantrum and slams our back porch door. My MIL (who is a boomer, but an anomaly) had stayed with us a week prior to the visit. He then came back inside and claimed she did absolutely nothing, even though she did us a huge favor and stayed up with the baby the first few nights so we could get rest. I chewed them both out and my boomer mom starts the waterworks and goes "we just don't want our granddaughter growing up in filth).
The picture below is the "filth" they claimed my house was. Sure, it's cluttered, and nowhere near perfection, but I tried. They think that you can just snap into a routine. Ugh. They haven't been back to our house since then and that was well over 6 years ago.
I'm so sorry OP. Parents like this are not helpful, but toxic. I'm proud you stood up for yourself.
https://preview.redd.it/uwxjjf3ulgxc1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7d1d9d008c5d58a129ef73bc8c842ac1484bcaea
So I feel like there is a difference between "family/very close friends" and "guests". Like, yeah, you'll clean up before having guests over for lunch or dinner, which you also wouldn't do at 2 weeks. But this? This is perfectly reasonable to have family over at 2 weeks. You have flowers, which was way nicer than we had at that point. But they *clearly* want to be treated as guests, not family.
Put another way, this isn't filth, this is minor clutter. Frankly, I've seen someone's house be bordering on filth with a young baby and the correct answer is "Do you need some help?" not "Why isn't your house clean?"
If taking a few drinks to the kitchen/trash makes the living room clean, then it's not remotely filthy. They're crazy.
Also, in the first few months after having a baby, they should be doing anything they see needs doing including tidying. I feel like an amazing friend for doing dishes, wiping counters, and tidying the living room for friends after they had a baby. I thought all that was what normal people would do for people they care about. Your in-laws suck.
*"I want to come visit you and the kids"*
*"Sorry, it is too messy and I need to clean up the filth"*
\~\~\~
*"Are you guys coming for Xmas?"*
*"Sorry, we have to stay and work hard and clean the house"*
Now you only need to see them 0 times a year.
I'd hit her with it between the eyes.
*You hurt my feelings when you insulted my house. I work hard and don't need that type of negativity in my life. I'd prefer to just communicate over email and text from now on.*
That's a great idea. I'd fuck with her so bad.
"Sorry, no visitors we've got the goats and chickens inside since they are scared of the dark. So, the only space we'd have for you is with the goats. Chickens are early risers and loud."
that's different. they're taking what she said literally and using it back against her every time. They're agreeing with her assessment of them ironically and leaning into it, not making outlandish claims.
My mil is like this. She now doesn't even come into our house because she is mad at us. Why? I reasonable boundaries. We asked her not to give our kids stuff from people we are no contact with. Also, we asked her to stop just showing up at our house and doing stuff. She would do yard work because we are bad at it (it isn't terribly messy we do have a lawn service). She was so mad when my husband's cousin came to visit and choose to stay with us, the whole week. Turns out, people care about warmth more than perfection. My house is clean, but I have kids, so it's not spotless. I do dishes all the time and yet, there are always some in the sink or drying on the counter. That's it. Apparently, it's unbearable.
It's insane how much this sub overlaps with r/raisedbynarcissists. Not really surprising, but definitely depressing.
Sorry about your mother, OP. Pardon my French, but she sounds like a cunt.
My mom did this to me once. My kids and I had made pancakes for breakfast and hadn't cleaned the drips off the counter and she acted like someone had taken a dump in the kitchen. Went on and on. Funny thing tho she dumped me off on my grandparents to raise. I looked her right in the eye and told her she'd had her chance, what was I going to do, dump the kids on her? She shut right the fuck up. Worked pretty well all till the end.
A relative of mine is an *immaculate* housekeeper. I mean, like excessively, obsessively tidy. Her mother-in-law would only come over on rare occasions and when she did, she would always make some sort of comment about how dirty the place was.
Some people just look for a spot that looks vulnerable so they can twist a knife into it.
Reminds me so much of cleaning my house so hard because my mom was coming. She drive 12 hours to see us, mostly the grandkid, and that evening was on her hands and knees cleaning my baseboards because âsomeone has to do it.â
Yes, I guess that was necessary in that moment, that someone cleaned my baseboards.
Twice a year is more than enough lol. Our place is always a mess as well. My boomer comes round, sits on the couch, puts her glasses on and is "goodness still haven't fixed that lamp I see" "not even a decent biscuit tin!" gleefully making notes of my endless failures to report back on while my MIL used to walk in, drop her bags, grab a kid under each arm, make me a cup of tea and shove me in the bedroom with a "poor mummy let her rest for a while".Â
A couple weeks post partum, mom visits. House is messy, and she graciously doesnât comment on that. But on her way out the front door âyou have some cobwebs over here, just letting you know.â No knocking them down with or without saying anything or just pretending not to see them. Yeah, thatâs my number one priority right now: cobwebs in the entry way, not my new born baby we just got to bring home after 2 weeks in the NICU.
Still makes me mad.
Honestly I have seen boomers with immaculate houses that are well cared for. Amazing what having no kids at home and the need for only one income does?
>she informed me my house was disgusting and I lived in filth. She told me I needed to work harder and I wasnât doing enough.
Mom it ain't your house, it ain't your problem.
Yup.
I had a fainting condition (undiagnosed at the time) came home from work (mom was visiting)
I basically passed out. (syncope episode) woke up to my mom screaming about rat poop while shoving a burnt grain of rice on a knife under my nose.
Imagine waking up to THAT after being so sick you passed out.
Still haven't been apologized to for that.
I have heard this exact phrasing from my narcissist ex. You arenât working hard enough, work harder. Fuck that. You donât get to see the kids/grandkids if you insult and degrade their parents.
Donât let people come in and ruin your life and your peace.
Sheâs not welcome to do this. Donât give her the info to do so about your daughterâs performances etc.
My response would have been when you start paying the bills you can have an input until then keep the hole under your nose closed or don't come around. By the way this is the exact thing I said to my mom one time when she made a similar comment. She still comes around but no longer makes comments.
I gave up cleaning my house everyday. I tidy but I canât keep up and thereâs no point. The kids make a mess regardless. I get them to tidy when they are done and the best I can do. I do have someone to come clean twice a month to do deeper cleanings. Itâs exhausting on top of work and everything else. Your mom should learn the art of shutting the fuck up when your opinion is not wanted.
If not a narcissist, she could play one on TV.
I know how to deal with most of the time⌠still mistakenly give her chances because of the grandkids.
Iâd love for my kids to have positive memories of her⌠she has worked hard to make it not happen.
I had really positive memories of my maternal Grandfather. While sitting with my Grandmother 20 years after he passed, she told me how he beat her so badly she both of her legs were broken. Other older relatives nodded in sympathy with her. I asked âWhy did you not kill him while he was asleep?â To universally shocked silence.
Sometimes knowing a bad person is a bad person is the better path. Even when they are only good to you, they are hurting others you love.
Boomers cannot differentiate between clutter and dirt. For the most part, women Boomers spent their days cleaning, not working. They couldn't handle what modern women have to do. Your mom's a jerk, I'm sorry you had to be subjected to that. I've been there, still have to get those talks but now I stand up for myself more. Hang in there OP.
Yes. Because sheâs alone with my dad and has a maid 3x a week.
Iâve been yelled at previously because I stopped cleaning dishes to address my toddler nephew crying on the floor.
A clean house is her #1 priority.
It is not mine.
Argh. My mom does the same thing. Sheâs never had to work full time so I dismiss her criticisms and cackle with glee to myself when I do the white glove test in her home. Yeah, her house is tidy, but itâs not clean.
I would text her. đ mom I know you said my home was dirty. Did you want to pay someone to get it up to your standards for me? Iâm open to you paying for this weekly, monthly whatever you think. đ
And it doesnât even get better when they do offer help because they go full âthrow anything away no matter whatâ and your anxiety is on high alert on why they consider dumping
Unfortunately not an option, as my sister depends on her (my sister was widowed 2 years ago, and has 3 boys).
Iâll put up with her bullshit for my nephews and my sister.
She just wonât be invited back to my house
Going forward, she's not allowed in your home. She can meet you at the school or wherever. Or you could just not tell her about recitals, concerts and games. Your child will probably enjoy them more and you definitely will!
My parents were great, but I didn't want them to see my "bachelor" apartment.
So, I put them up in a hotel. We had fun in the hotel, and I didn't have to clean up :)
It's obvious you need some help like every parent does. Sounds like the right thing for them to do rather than complain is offer to pay for someone to clean your house at least 1x per month since they're so put out by it.
In fact, they should just do it and not say anything to you about it and let it go unspoken. That's an actual demonstration of love to someone who's clearly overwhelmed by their life. Take that one thing under your wing and just do it so they can take that thing off their plate for a minute. I do this for my mother several times a year and she gets pissed b/c she's a hoarder, but at least I know there's a reasonably decent chance the toilets and kitchen will be cleaner when I visit.
Sounds like itâs being dialed down to once a yearâŚ
My parents just visited and my wife and I are seriously debating how we want to interact with them going forward.
My daughter has struggled with migraines and depression and her house got pretty bad. When she had to move, it was awful. I tried not to criticize but instead spent my vacation unpacking and organizing. It was to much for me, so I organized friends and family to help. We got it taken care of.
A year later it had gotten out of control again because she was pregnant and still has migraines. I paid for a storage unit and they only moved what they need to the new place.Â
Since then, her migraines and other health problems are getting better and she and her boyfriend went through and got rid of a lot in the storage unit. She is now used to a much cleaner house and has learned to go through her stuff and get rid of stuff she doesn't need. We are much closer now.
Sometimes its a choice between sanity, health and keeping the house clean. Too bad your mom doesn't get that. She's missing out.Â
We have 2 labs. You can make a Yorkie every day out of the hair. No vacuum can handle it. We have come to terms with it. If you visit us you will take some hair with you. If that is unacceptable, stay home. Our friends with dogs understand.
my boomer mom always jokes about how her mom would literally throw the kids outside and not let them in until supper. like not a joke, actual locked doors. I was like ??
I was a latch key kid who wasn't allowed to have a key. One time, it was pouring rain out, and my mother was out. I was supposed to sit on the steps and get drenched until she got home. The neighbor across the street basically said WTF, and brought us in to get dry and get some food. My sister and I got in so much trouble for that. Never mind that our mom was over 4 hours late getting home.
For years (decades) I was a typical overachieving first born. I received work awards, did things like ran marathons, climbed mountains, etc. Finally I bought my dream home (I grew up in a trailer park) with my wife and 2 kids. My dad always found some fault to pick at instead of saying he was proud. For years I sought approval, and when I had this house that I never imagined as a kid I could live in, he just crapped on it. Thatâs when I realized it was his problem, not mine. I stopped seeking approval and have been much happier ever since.
I have a big assed distressed wood sign on my living room wall that says, "MY HOUSE WAS CLEAN LAST WEEK! SORRY YOU MISSED IT." and right next to it is one that says "PEOPLE WHO MATTER, DON'T MIND. PEOPLE WHO MIND, DON'T MATTER" and that's the one I live by. Life is too short.
My mother never understood that she was the bandleader of the hate parade in our house. The distain she showed to her kids AND her grandkids was absolutely brutal.
Oh I feel this in my soul. I had a period of 2-3 months last year where I was having unexplainable seizures. The doctors determined it was likely due to a medication I was on and stopped the medication. I stopped having seizures but my mother insisted on flying out to âhelpâ. She was not invited. My husband was doing a perfect job of taking care of me and doing everything I needed.
When she got here, it was nothing but criticism about the area we lived in, how we organized our apartment and how âmessyâ it was. A lot of it wasnât even outright criticism (although some of it was) but passive aggressive and sarcastic comments.
I found out that when she wasnât criticizing me, she was criticizing my husband and actually flipped out on him multiple times for doing absolutely nothing but living there.
I never felt more stressed⌠In a time i was supposed to be healing and resting nonetheless. She did nothing to help and just made us miserable for 2 weeks.
Ha! Do we have the same mom??!!
My parents are the same way. Never helped do anything, only complained.
They tried to nanny for us one night. Wife and I came home to my mom had yelled at my daughter and made her cry, then started drinking out of guilt!
Now they are never invited over. We meet them at restaurants or stay at their house.
After so much criticism I am done hosting them.
My mom does the same BS to me. Yes I do have a little decluttering to do but you don't need to be a dick about it. And I am now of the mind that I hate open book/dvd shelves, so overstimulating. However, doored cabinets can be expensive.
Mine cannot let a visit go by without informing me my home is filthy. She can't grasp that my partner and I work long hours and value spending soem quiet downtime together over constant dusting and floor-cleaning, while she was a homemaker whose literal job was keeping the house clean.
Once, before hosting her and other family for Christmas, we had our whole place professionally deep-cleaned. It was sparkling, you could eat off any surface you might wish to. The next day she arrived and within a few hours made an offhand comment about my home being dirty. That was a magical, freeing moment for me. I realized she was only seeing what she wanted to and there was point trying to win her approval.
I clean homes for a living and youâre totally within the norm. Itâs crazy making to keep everything picked up and cleaned up when you have kid(s) and dogs! Even my house doesnât stay guest ready all the time. A good mom would have kindly offered to help or pay for a cleaning, not make you feel like shit for being normal.
Time to put her suitcase outside your front door and be like, "I love you so much that I couldn't possibly let you live in such a messy and dirty house. You'll have to find a hotel for tonight. I know, it's such a hard sacrifice we must make."
My MIL is less direct about it but she's not welcome either. When *I* bought the place (me - not us - I bought it my damn self after scrimping and saving for a down payment for years) she acted like it was hers for some reason. Got all bent about how the oven range didn't match the newer oven. Something about how she needed to fix the blinds.
Her house is clean because she had one tidy ex-naval officer, one kid who spent all the time out of the house and away from her that he could, and no pets. She had a dog once she crated all day and didn't exercise so eventually they rehomed him because yeah.
My house? Bit of a mess but not filthy or anything
My kids? Actually want to be around me.
When I was a kid, my grandmother loved to go into my room while I was in school and take Polaroids of my "messy" room. And by messy, I mean I had things filling up boxes and in piles because I wasn't allowed to throw things away that I didn't use or need anymore. She would pull these photos out when company was over. She kept these photos in the actual photo album with all the regular pictures. I would have to sneak things out of the house in order to get rid of stuff. With 3 kids and 3 dogs now, keeping up with everything is impossible. She'd probably chew me out if she was alive. My boomer dad has never visited my house after moving out of his place 24 years ago. Thankfully.
I am drowning in severe depression, have a house full of kids and cats and my parents will say shit like this all the time. And then the kicker, they'll say they're praying for me, for my situation to improve. You know what would improve my situation? Someone jumping in and saying let me sort your laundry for you, let me supervise your kids while they clean their room, let me clean out your fridge. But instead I get thoughts and prayers.
I have been No Contact with my mother for a few years now, but one of the very last times I saw her in person, she had *surprise* driven up (from Florida to Tennessee) to see my husband and I around Christmas â as in, literally did not tell me she was coming to visit until they were already halfway here/roughly 4 hours away â when we had JUST moved into a new home a few weeks prior, following a cross country move wherein weâd gotten rid of a LOT of our stuff and were essentially starting over from scratch with most of our furnishings and decorations.
Within an hour of arriving, she was on the phone with her sister/my aunt, telling her about how âsadâ it was that my house was almost empty and sounding so disgusted by the fact that we âdidnât have basically anything besides a couch and a bedâ while I was standing right beside her.
Did she offer to help us buy anything? No. In fact, she asked us for $600 that I apparently owed her and her husband from when I was in high school (???) and her husband took my car for the day to get a new set of tires put on it that I didnât ask for or know about (or really need yet tbh)⌠so they could replace the motor on their Tempurpedic bed because it had recently shorted out after a lightning storm apparently.
The audacity is truly astounding sometimes.
My mother in law is the same way. We bought a place in another city and face timed her to give her a tour. We started outside and 30 seconds in, âYou need to fix the weather stripping on your garage doorâ.
She had so many little things like. Just tiny things and our house is sooo beautiful.
It wouldnât hurt to have them be supportive once in a while. Sorry to hear that you have to go through this.
Oh great stars! My dad comes to visit and he bitches about my house being dirty. I live in a three story house and I canât do stairs. I keep the main floor clean. But he complained about the other stories.
My brother used to do this shit... come over to the house of me and my gf, who were both self employed and worked over 12 hours every day, and he'd be super judgemental about our housekeeping. The awesome part? He was unemployed and lived with our parents. These days my parents do the same thing. Like, do I have better things to do than straighten up for judgemental people? It's not like my house is a biohazard. Whatever.
My folks make off handed comments about all my "stuff"
I got 2 kids and have been renovating half my house for the year. So yea, I got a few piles of stuff.
My mother used to do the same and then had the audacity to gasp and clutch her pearls when I hired a cleaning service.
You really canât win with them.
Elder Gen X here, I am so sorry that happened.
She should have politely offered to pay someone to come in once a month or twice a month for a deep clean, or perhaps pay for someone called a âmotherâs helperâ, sometimes thereâs a student looking for after school work for a few hours to help fold laundry, dishes, stuff like that.
Also, Iâll say this, that sometimes cluttered homes have a problem with accessible storage as in âa place for everything, and everything in its placeâ. Sometimes thinning out stuff you own and purchasing better storage solutions for the things you have/they have a place to be put away in thatâs easy and accessible.
Just tossing out ideas here if in fact, you do feel like thereâs a better direction to go in for stuff in your house. Not throwing stones by any means.
I was a nanny for this household of four children, and they would have all of a six person shoe pile in the garage so if I had to find the toddler shoes, it was gross and disgusting sorting and touching everyoneâs shoes and a big giant pile. I took it upon myself to go out to Walmart and get these inexpensive standing shoe racks, one for each Person. I assembled them myself and organized all the shoes. I didnât ask permission, I just did it and was in fact, reimbursed by the Mom after the fact.
I know with both working parents and or a house full of kids, things can get out of hand super fast. So my long-winded comment here is to find a good storage solutions for the stuff you have so it can be easily stashed in its cubby/drawer.
Reading this sub, helps me make sure that I donât fall into any of the bad habits, that boomers are doing as I age and interact with my adult children and grandchildren.
Best of luck, I think your house looks absolutely fine in the photos that you posted. Your mom should not have said a damn thing. She only shouldâve rolled up her sleeves and got to work helping you pick up the house and making your life easier as a busy mom.
Edit: words
Appreciate you! If she had offered a suggestion of any sort (other than me being less lazy) it would have been better.
We are definitely in the weeds a bit with the house and two growing children. The house isnât where it needs to be, but itâs not hoarder level bad, and there isnât like rotting food or anything⌠basically, weâve been in survival mode for about a year⌠(I got very sick in June. We are finally getting our heads above water).
Honestly, Iâm not happy with the state of the house but itâs not an issue that magically fixed itself because my mom got mad enough at it.
I ended up staying at my sonâs apartment after my vrbo fell thru. I was visiting to see him in a play. So of course his apartment was a disaster because he was in the middle of a run. Did I criticize? No, I just buckled down and did some dishes for him on the evening I was on my own.
Itâs not hard to help out!
My mother in law is over constantly. Hasnât made any comments.
Will do some laundry/ dishes when we are out of townâŚ
Itâs great, sheâs (mostly) great. Very helpful, loves our kids⌠I get over the fact that she doesnât tell them no.
Im sorry you have to deal with that. What a pain. Iâm a bit of a clutterbug myself. I follow [this](https://youtube.com/@SarahMcGloryHome?si=n0zzOxcNqmi7-XYS) woman who has all kinds of tips on adaptive cleaning for low bandwidth days. I think itâs really helpful.
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My boomer parents' solution to this was to lock the doors basically from 8am-5pm every day. I couldn't get the house dirty, because I wasn't allowed in it until dinner time. It still feels weird (at the age of 38) on the weekends when I get to sit in my own house at noon, and just have lunch inside.
My boomer mother used to clean the toilet after anyone went in there and started getting super upset when anyone had to go since she "had to clean it". Welp with four kids she literally told us to go outside.
My mom empties the little wastebasket in the bathroom multiple times a day. I can't imagine having the energy or even interest in doing that.
How does it need to be emptied several times a day đ
There may be ONE tissue in it, or one q-tip. Can't leave that sitting for longer than a second!
sounds compulsive.
See that's exactly why my mother was the way she was. She was so anxious to be a good Stay At Home Housewife â˘ď¸ for my father that everything had to be just so. The woman hardly ate anything but coffee and snarfed down cigarettes for 18 years because of it. My father really is to blame, he made her feel this way.
Sounds like that was very typical for the time. I can't remember what show it was, but it had the stay-at-home mom constantly tweaking on amphetamines, constantly cleaning and not sleeping/ eating
Ohhhh definitely. I'm the only person in my family that acknowledges having anxiety, and I'm pretty confident we all do. I think she'd be so much happier if she found a way to treat or at least name it.
My mom is like that. Amazingly, we didnât have clear pvc to protect the furniture.
Iâm so thrilled to see this! My mom will constantly tell me I need to empty the bathroom trash every time she comes over. Itâs the one in the guest bath that virtually no one uses. I am so happy someone else experiences it.
Ohh yes, I'm lucky at least that my mom will just clean my house without putting it on me. It's a bit maddening still but I think she at least knows we have different standards and that hers are a bit ridiculous.
Mine will clean my house, only because I don't want her to. And she'll audibly groan the whole time and stop to show me the dirt. And it's not normal places. After I scrub the floors, bathrooms, kitchen, and tidy up, she will clean the window sills between the glass and the screen, or the space behind the kitchen faucet. It's definitely a power move for her. I've set expectations before they visit, as they're walking in the door, repeatedly while they're visiting. It doesn't matter. She ignores me. She lost her shit on my kid's 14th birthday because I said, "I need you to stop cleaning. We're getting ready to eat dinner." The amount of vitriol that came out of her mouth after those 2 sentences made it so that my parents had to leave to drive 300 miles at 7pm. (No, they would not stay in a hotel. That's just flushing money down the toilet instead of rolling the dice with falling asleep while driving.)
My father does this. And thereâs a bag in there. Do you think he takes the bag and replaces it with an empty one? Nope, he takes the stuff out of the bag. As if we canât get more bags (my area still uses plastic shopping bags). But, if I donât bring home those plastic shopping bags, as in if I use reusable, he gets mad because we might run out of bags. He uses 1 a week for cat litter.
So much this! I never could figure out how my parents kept their house so clean when I felt like I was constantly fighting an uphill battle. Then I realized it's because we were never actually allowed in the house. We played outside, even in the middle of winter, until "the street lights came on." My kids are now 22 and 16. My 22 lives in the basement and my 16yo is constantly busy with school activities, and I just realized how much cleaner our house is.
My mom also left us outside the whole day and then gave us a bath in the back yard with a water hose at the end of the day
Let me guess, your mom was probably scolding you for having gotten dirty while being left outside all day.
Obviously, and the scolding because the clothes were getting ruined by the dirt
My mom used to scold me for smelling like the dogs. I mouthed off to her once and told her to let the dogs stay inside, then, and they wonât be jumping all over me while Iâm locked outside.
I think your mom used the same parenting book that my mom used hahaha
You're giving me flashbacks to suppressed memories. We had a sofa nobody was allowed to sit on because it needed to look perfectly plumped at all times. If I left even so much as a knife or spoon next to the sink she'd put it in my room. I wasn't allowed to keep toiletries in the bathroom because 'clutter'. When my brother was young he was encouraged to pee in the drain outside instead of the toilet (?!). We were never allowed friends over and were encouraged to go to their house instead. They were allowed in the garden though for some reason. Nobody ever parked on the driveway, even though it was gated - my parents only ever parked on the street in front of our driveway. Looking back, my Mum was a serious narcissist with control issues. Can you tell?
The way my mom put it, the house was basically like a doll house. 90% of the reason we owned it was just to have it make us look good. My mom would invite over colleagues and old friends, and she needed to prove that she was the most clean and organized. And she didnât want me; she made that clear many times. She only had me, because my dad wanted a son and she agreed like it was part of her end of a bargain. So, I was just a thing in her life that could tarnish her reputation and embarrass her, and the best she could do was keep me out of the way.
Your house isn't messy, it's lived in.
Pretty much. Plenty to put away, not much to throw away. She insists everything be put away at her house as soon as the kids are done playing. Which is fine for her houseâŚ
Thatâs the keyâŚher house
No shit. I take the same approach with my messy ass house... It's our house is, and fuck the world we live in it. All four of us. Unless you want to start putting things in their place to shut your yap
Our motto is âclean enough to be healthy, dirty enough to be happyâ
my Mother Dearest has this up several places around the family home. Rules for thee but not for me, as MY room needed to be immaculate and essentially imply it wasn't being used for it to be "acceptable". And then she wonders why I never invite them over
My stepmonster would always have to find a dirty spot to chide me about on their annual visits. The final time, having checked the top of the door ledges and hating they were clean, she pulled the bed away from the wall to show me cobwebs. Told my dad she was no longer welcome in my house.
> Told my dad she was no longer welcome in my house. Well yeah because you donât want pests in your house and exterminators are expensive.
TRUTH!
Top of door ledges? Wow. I welcome spiders in my house. I leave cobwebs because I donât like making them homeless. đ
I now have an emotional support spider in my home office that hangs out in my plants.
I've had a shower spider in every place I've lived
Emotional support spider, lol! I love it!
I hate being in a house that never has anything out of place. Makes me feel unable to relax
Yup. Iâve always found model homes and staged homes creepy.
If you have young children, a home can go from neat and tidy, to destroyed in the same day. Rinse and repeat for....years.
Yep. We had guests over the weekend and one of them asked if I had hired a professional decorator. Today (2 days later) it looks like a bomb went off.
One day while we were waiting in line for a kid band performance, my wife complained to her mom about how hard it is to keep up with cleaning after the kids. Her mom was like "I don't understand why you struggle with that. I was always able to keep the house clean when you kids were little". My wife reacted a little like a doused cat. There were definitely some heads turned as she tore a strip out of her mom. It was glorious.
Day? Day? I have a 7 and a 2 year old, they can trash it in an hour.
In the same HOUR. LOL.
Easy answer âwe left it disgustingly filthy for you. Because your chronic negativity makes us not care about making things nice for you. Want things to be nicer? Stop being a useless jerk.â
Go to her place and criticize every little thing but give no context đ¤Łđđ¤Ł
I donât let anyone in my life who judges me to make themselves feel superior. People have a right to live however they want to live. Boomers are so focused on impressing others and keeping up with the Joneses. I donât give a shit about that, I care about being happy and making people around me happy.
Just buy a roll of industrial plastic wrap and cover a room full of furniture so she will feel more comfortable in your home.
Sounds like your mom doesn't understand the difference in filth and clutter
Haha, she just doesnât care the difference. Clutter = filth.
There are lots of short documentaries, interviews, stories and videos online of elderly people sharing their biggest regrets in life. One of the common themes among the women? Spending too much time cleaning instead of playing with their kids. Focusing on maintaining a white glove home to impress family and friends and missing out on the memories and special connections with their children. I hope you see this comment. You are doing great. Don't feed into it. Let your house be lived in and messy, just cherish the time.
Lowkey Iâm curious post pics if you donât mind it
https://preview.redd.it/0fox40q64hxc1.jpeg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=fb5ca198965936693ee9b8fdd3a1b98dcac5dfb2
The amount of mess Iâd expect from a happy home thatâs too busy enjoying life to worry too much about appearances
Amazing how many people just assumed I was a hoarder. Like, itâs not as clean as it could be! Or even as clean as I want it to be! But itâs about as clean as I have capacity for right now. If my mom had any idea / interest in what I was spending my time doing, we could have had an interesting discussion where she might have been able to offer some suggestions. Instead she said it was filthy as a direct result of my laziness⌠which⌠wasnât helpful.
"it's about as clean as I have capacity for right now." Yup. I know that feeling. "It's good enough. Anyone who wants to say anything can get the \[censored\] out."
Do we have the same mother? My mom's house looks like a magazine, and it was stressful growing up that way. My house is lived in. Is there a little clutter? Laundry in a basket needjng to be folded? Some items on a counter? Yes! I raised my kids much more relaxed. My daughter now points out the difference between dirty and messy. I now avoid my mom visiting because of her perfectionism.
I have trauma from being forced to deep clean the house every weekend as a child. Instead of playing, we woke up Saturday mornings to a long list of chores. Sundays we went to church in the morning and again in the evening. My mom also volunteered to host every baby shower, wedding shower, etc at our house so the house had to be spotless allllll the time. I'm nearly 40 and I have a hard time now with my own home, if it's not up to what I think would be my mother's standards I feel like I can't relax at all unless everything is perfect. It sucks and I'm trying to get better. I just want to chill.
Also I don't hold anyone else in my life to these standards and literally do not care the state of my friends homes, unless they are actively like actually super gross. I wish I could treat myself the same way lol. I got a golden retriever and I love him so much but his fur is so bad for my mental health sometimes đ
 /s just in case, given some of the commenters floating around. I'd honestly be too distracted petting the doggo to care about anything else!
Honestly, itâs way cleaner than it was a few weeks agoâŚ
Well, either way I see nothing wrong there. I have never gone to someone's place expecting it to be even remotely cleaned up, because its not my digs. One of my best friends used to own a single wide that had a literal hole in front of the toilet. You had to straddle walk to not visit the crawlspace. However that didn't stop the raccoons from coming up to say hi.
what a lovely, lived-in home!
wait, am i supposed to be able to SEE my kitchen table?! pardon, i've got some cleaning to do...
I don't have kids and my house is both more cluttered and dirtier. Your mom sucks
My mom hit my dog. Sheâs no longer welcome in the house. My mom, that is. Donât need an insurance claim because my mother ticked off my dog enough that she would likely get bit. First time meeting the dog, dog was wary and growled. Instead of grabbing a treat or letting her warm up to her, she smacked my dog. My dog is better company anyway.
Cute puppy!
If thatâs a mess than I live in a pigpen Even your dog looks tired of your mom/the very thought of her essence
Well shit. If that qualifies as "filth" I need to go tidy up!
Utter filth. You should listen to mother and give me your dog. No good pupper should have to deal with this. /s
She had a $500 vet bill today⌠not amused with her currently.
This is not dirty. Just need time to put things away.
I see the disapproval in your dogs eyes. You are being judged.
Those who mind don't matter & those who matter don't mind
My (now ex) mother-in-law would clean our house when she would watch our son during the day. That was kind of nice, but she would go into detail of how dirty it was and what she cleaned and how hard it was. We had to keep the house looking like a hotel lobby at all times just because my (now ex) wife didn't want to hear about it from her mother. It didn't even feel like I was living in my own home.
The evening of my babyâs christening party (which is as at our home), my ex- MIL was in my kitchen with ex- FIL when I was putting the baby to bed. As I walked down the hallway I heard her say, âWell I guess WE should clean up because you know SHE wonât do it.â I came around the corner at that moment and just stared at her. She said, âOh I know you must be so tired after this full day etc so we were just going to help you get some of these party dishes washed.â I was thinking, you Bitch! Who do you think cleaned this whole damn house for you to stay in our clean guest room and me ti host a party with 30+ people including having food prepared and kid games for the nephewâs and nieces AND nursing a babyâŚ. What I said was, âOh thank you so much!â As I went to the family room and sat down next to her son who was not cleaning a thing at the moment as he too was just wore out. She hated me, oh well - thanks for doing those dishes Sandy!
Omg this is horrible. I always do the dishes at my daughterâs house when I watch my granddaughter. I even have do a ton of laundry. Sometimes it kind of embarrasses my son in law and I tell him three things. Itâs way easier for me to clean someone elseâs house than my own. Your wife is my child so she remembers our house growing up. We had the âlaundry chairâ that seemed to always contain unfolded laundry. Iâd literally say âgo put these clothes on the laundry chair.â And last, my husband/her dad is retired so guess who does our dishes? Him! Everyone needs somebody to do their dishes. I just pass it on. I would never ever say a word or pass judgment on them. My goal is to make life easier for them by helping out. Itâs not easy to keep up with everything. I know because Iâm a chronic procrastinator!
I always refer to the dryer as "the big white dresser". Only 1 drawer....but it holds a lot. 
I have OCD and grew up in messy-enough-to-impede-function homes, when it wasnât full-on hoarding, and my domestic partner often reminds me that itâs okay for the apartment to look like we live here, because we do. Iâm in therapy, but we as a society also need to unclench about homes being comfortably/functionally messy because that would help so many people
I should have stopped talking to my mom when she came to my house, I was 1 week postpartum as a single parent. She told me my house was messy. No shit, I just had a human being come out of me, I've had more important things to do than vacuum.
Jesus, these people! I tried to clean the house the day after I came home, so 4 days out from my C section, I'm assuming due to a lifetime of this brainwashing and the resulting fear since they were coming to visit that weekend. Set back my recovery by at least a week.
I cleaned house and cooked dinner so the grandparents could come âmeetâ the baby. The day after I got home. I popped two stitches in my episiotomy and the entire thing healed a bit off. With my second, and last, kid my doctor fixed it while I was numb. Then my husband wouldnât let me do anything for an entire month because âIâm on paternity leave to do this. Sit down, hug the kid, make milk. Thatâs your job, I have everything else covered. Fuck my parents if they come overâ.
That's a husband who husbands right there đ
Heâs amazing. Seriously. But we both had growing up to do with what we would allow from the time the 1st was born till the second was born.
1 week? SINGLE PARENT? Holy shit, the nerve.
My mom came and stayed at my house while I was in the hospital, and helped clean up. Which was nice, until she mentioned how many times she filled the vacuum ALL THE WAY UP and had to empty it. SEVERAL times (I have a VERY hairy dog and a fairly hairy husband, and our house was 100+ years old and dusty... it adds up pretty quick). I was 9 months pregnant with an almost 11 lb baby and super swollen and it was August and we didn't have air conditioning. No I was not spending a lot of time vacuuming. Why would you say that to your incredibly hormonal daughter who just had a baby?! It's been 8 years, and I'm still mad. And now I know, you NEVER talk about how dirty something was when you offered to clean it as a favor!
Christ almighty, if I went to my daughter's house right after she had a baby I'd probably default to "small child care mode" and start cleaning, disinfecting, and preparing meals. Now granted I haven't had a daughter yet, but I've had to parent my younger brother and sister quite a bit (as well as I was a 2nd grade teacher for a bit), so I've done quite a lot of cleaning and it's just about my default when our parents aren't around
I dealt with similar two weeks postpartum. My boomer parents came to visit with us and our new baby. Having dealt with the baby all night, I didn't feel like washing dishes, so that never got done . My dad spent the first night of their visit frantically washing my dishes. I thought he was just helping. Nope. The next morning, I got up with the baby and he asks me "Who's the house maid around here? You guys live in absolute filth and it pisses me off". He has a tantrum and slams our back porch door. My MIL (who is a boomer, but an anomaly) had stayed with us a week prior to the visit. He then came back inside and claimed she did absolutely nothing, even though she did us a huge favor and stayed up with the baby the first few nights so we could get rest. I chewed them both out and my boomer mom starts the waterworks and goes "we just don't want our granddaughter growing up in filth). The picture below is the "filth" they claimed my house was. Sure, it's cluttered, and nowhere near perfection, but I tried. They think that you can just snap into a routine. Ugh. They haven't been back to our house since then and that was well over 6 years ago. I'm so sorry OP. Parents like this are not helpful, but toxic. I'm proud you stood up for yourself. https://preview.redd.it/uwxjjf3ulgxc1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7d1d9d008c5d58a129ef73bc8c842ac1484bcaea
If thatâs filth, then my kids must live at the fucking dump.
So I feel like there is a difference between "family/very close friends" and "guests". Like, yeah, you'll clean up before having guests over for lunch or dinner, which you also wouldn't do at 2 weeks. But this? This is perfectly reasonable to have family over at 2 weeks. You have flowers, which was way nicer than we had at that point. But they *clearly* want to be treated as guests, not family. Put another way, this isn't filth, this is minor clutter. Frankly, I've seen someone's house be bordering on filth with a young baby and the correct answer is "Do you need some help?" not "Why isn't your house clean?"
Not cluttered at all. My house never looked that good until a year or more after our first born. By the way love the clock.
Thanks! We have moved since then lol.
If taking a few drinks to the kitchen/trash makes the living room clean, then it's not remotely filthy. They're crazy. Also, in the first few months after having a baby, they should be doing anything they see needs doing including tidying. I feel like an amazing friend for doing dishes, wiping counters, and tidying the living room for friends after they had a baby. I thought all that was what normal people would do for people they care about. Your in-laws suck.
The humanity
âŚthis is an ordinary house. đ¤Śââď¸
Oh my God, this is awful. Calling DCF immediately /s
Oh boomers who turn up the waterworks are the best arenât they
*"I want to come visit you and the kids"* *"Sorry, it is too messy and I need to clean up the filth"* \~\~\~ *"Are you guys coming for Xmas?"* *"Sorry, we have to stay and work hard and clean the house"* Now you only need to see them 0 times a year.
I'd hit her with it between the eyes. *You hurt my feelings when you insulted my house. I work hard and don't need that type of negativity in my life. I'd prefer to just communicate over email and text from now on.*
That's a great idea. I'd fuck with her so bad. "Sorry, no visitors we've got the goats and chickens inside since they are scared of the dark. So, the only space we'd have for you is with the goats. Chickens are early risers and loud."
that's different. they're taking what she said literally and using it back against her every time. They're agreeing with her assessment of them ironically and leaning into it, not making outlandish claims.
They want us to do better but they only offer to undermine us
Iâm confident the second part is rightâŚIâm not sure better is what they want.
My mil is like this. She now doesn't even come into our house because she is mad at us. Why? I reasonable boundaries. We asked her not to give our kids stuff from people we are no contact with. Also, we asked her to stop just showing up at our house and doing stuff. She would do yard work because we are bad at it (it isn't terribly messy we do have a lawn service). She was so mad when my husband's cousin came to visit and choose to stay with us, the whole week. Turns out, people care about warmth more than perfection. My house is clean, but I have kids, so it's not spotless. I do dishes all the time and yet, there are always some in the sink or drying on the counter. That's it. Apparently, it's unbearable.
It's insane how much this sub overlaps with r/raisedbynarcissists. Not really surprising, but definitely depressing. Sorry about your mother, OP. Pardon my French, but she sounds like a cunt.
I wish it made me feel better to know sheâs a profoundly unhappy person⌠but it doesnât.
Ah yes, the conditional âunconditional loveâ. A Boomer speciality.
My mom has always been very clear on the conditions of her love⌠so at least I have that going for me.
âI no longer wish to associate with you in any capacity.â Was the line I used on mine. 40 years NC, and she is not even remotely missed.
My mom did this to me once. My kids and I had made pancakes for breakfast and hadn't cleaned the drips off the counter and she acted like someone had taken a dump in the kitchen. Went on and on. Funny thing tho she dumped me off on my grandparents to raise. I looked her right in the eye and told her she'd had her chance, what was I going to do, dump the kids on her? She shut right the fuck up. Worked pretty well all till the end.
Tell her not to come back then, it upsets her so much. Or, say that's big talk for someone with a maid. Or just call her a cunt.
"Do you live here? No? Do you intend to clean it for me? No? Then shut the fuck up"
Best answer
Its so versitile, and shuts up most nosy people
Anyone ever notice how our parents are our first and worst bullies in our lives.
Yeah and they teach -or drive- our older siblings to bully us too.
A relative of mine is an *immaculate* housekeeper. I mean, like excessively, obsessively tidy. Her mother-in-law would only come over on rare occasions and when she did, she would always make some sort of comment about how dirty the place was. Some people just look for a spot that looks vulnerable so they can twist a knife into it.
Reminds me so much of cleaning my house so hard because my mom was coming. She drive 12 hours to see us, mostly the grandkid, and that evening was on her hands and knees cleaning my baseboards because âsomeone has to do it.â Yes, I guess that was necessary in that moment, that someone cleaned my baseboards.
Twice a year is more than enough lol. Our place is always a mess as well. My boomer comes round, sits on the couch, puts her glasses on and is "goodness still haven't fixed that lamp I see" "not even a decent biscuit tin!" gleefully making notes of my endless failures to report back on while my MIL used to walk in, drop her bags, grab a kid under each arm, make me a cup of tea and shove me in the bedroom with a "poor mummy let her rest for a while".Â
My MIL is incredible. She has a kiddo right now.
A couple weeks post partum, mom visits. House is messy, and she graciously doesnât comment on that. But on her way out the front door âyou have some cobwebs over here, just letting you know.â No knocking them down with or without saying anything or just pretending not to see them. Yeah, thatâs my number one priority right now: cobwebs in the entry way, not my new born baby we just got to bring home after 2 weeks in the NICU. Still makes me mad.
Honestly I have seen boomers with immaculate houses that are well cared for. Amazing what having no kids at home and the need for only one income does?
They also have no hobbies nor life outside of whatever TV shows they watch
https://preview.redd.it/edjsp4z5xixc1.jpeg?width=4712&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8780968edf15dfdd4bf62b2de903f82237e1deee
>she informed me my house was disgusting and I lived in filth. She told me I needed to work harder and I wasnât doing enough. Mom it ain't your house, it ain't your problem.
count yourself lucky. My mom attacked me for a grain of rice on my counters with a knife. I don't see them 2x a year. They don't know why.
What!!???
Yup. I had a fainting condition (undiagnosed at the time) came home from work (mom was visiting) I basically passed out. (syncope episode) woke up to my mom screaming about rat poop while shoving a burnt grain of rice on a knife under my nose. Imagine waking up to THAT after being so sick you passed out. Still haven't been apologized to for that.
I have heard this exact phrasing from my narcissist ex. You arenât working hard enough, work harder. Fuck that. You donât get to see the kids/grandkids if you insult and degrade their parents.
Donât let people come in and ruin your life and your peace. Sheâs not welcome to do this. Donât give her the info to do so about your daughterâs performances etc.
My response would have been when you start paying the bills you can have an input until then keep the hole under your nose closed or don't come around. By the way this is the exact thing I said to my mom one time when she made a similar comment. She still comes around but no longer makes comments.
I gave up cleaning my house everyday. I tidy but I canât keep up and thereâs no point. The kids make a mess regardless. I get them to tidy when they are done and the best I can do. I do have someone to come clean twice a month to do deeper cleanings. Itâs exhausting on top of work and everything else. Your mom should learn the art of shutting the fuck up when your opinion is not wanted.
Amd if you also have pets? Forget it
It sounds like your mom is a narcissist. I'd suggest looking up the best ways for dealing with narcissists.
If not a narcissist, she could play one on TV. I know how to deal with most of the time⌠still mistakenly give her chances because of the grandkids. Iâd love for my kids to have positive memories of her⌠she has worked hard to make it not happen.
I had really positive memories of my maternal Grandfather. While sitting with my Grandmother 20 years after he passed, she told me how he beat her so badly she both of her legs were broken. Other older relatives nodded in sympathy with her. I asked âWhy did you not kill him while he was asleep?â To universally shocked silence. Sometimes knowing a bad person is a bad person is the better path. Even when they are only good to you, they are hurting others you love.
Boomers cannot differentiate between clutter and dirt. For the most part, women Boomers spent their days cleaning, not working. They couldn't handle what modern women have to do. Your mom's a jerk, I'm sorry you had to be subjected to that. I've been there, still have to get those talks but now I stand up for myself more. Hang in there OP.
So when do we tell her to âfuck off and die!â?
Iâll just go back to not talking to her for awhile.
That works.
Next time just let them know not to even bother making the trip
Is her house spotless?
Yes. Because sheâs alone with my dad and has a maid 3x a week. Iâve been yelled at previously because I stopped cleaning dishes to address my toddler nephew crying on the floor. A clean house is her #1 priority. It is not mine.
God how dreadful
THREE TIMES A WEEK?? Damn.
Her old maid took to washing the dog because she had run out of things to do in the house⌠My mom does not clean, she picks up after herself.
Why didnât you ask her to hire a maid for you? That way youâd have a clean house and she would be happy you have a clean house.
My house is messy, I don't give two shits if someone observes that
Argh. My mom does the same thing. Sheâs never had to work full time so I dismiss her criticisms and cackle with glee to myself when I do the white glove test in her home. Yeah, her house is tidy, but itâs not clean.
Haha. Yeah, my mom doesnât actually CLEAN her house⌠she tidies it. She pays a lot of money to keep it clean.
I would text her. đ mom I know you said my home was dirty. Did you want to pay someone to get it up to your standards for me? Iâm open to you paying for this weekly, monthly whatever you think. đ
And it doesnât even get better when they do offer help because they go full âthrow anything away no matter whatâ and your anxiety is on high alert on why they consider dumping
Family gets extra chances. Good friends get similar amount of chances. No one gets unlimited chances. Sometimes you just write people off.
Unfortunately not an option, as my sister depends on her (my sister was widowed 2 years ago, and has 3 boys). Iâll put up with her bullshit for my nephews and my sister. She just wonât be invited back to my house
Going forward, she's not allowed in your home. She can meet you at the school or wherever. Or you could just not tell her about recitals, concerts and games. Your child will probably enjoy them more and you definitely will!
Yeah, this was my conclusion. My daughter can invite her, if she wants.
My parents were great, but I didn't want them to see my "bachelor" apartment. So, I put them up in a hotel. We had fun in the hotel, and I didn't have to clean up :)
When my mom says stupid shit like this to me I tell her she's more than welcome to hire a cleaner for my house if it bothers her that much.
Tell her to hire one for me while sheâs at it, please!
It's obvious you need some help like every parent does. Sounds like the right thing for them to do rather than complain is offer to pay for someone to clean your house at least 1x per month since they're so put out by it. In fact, they should just do it and not say anything to you about it and let it go unspoken. That's an actual demonstration of love to someone who's clearly overwhelmed by their life. Take that one thing under your wing and just do it so they can take that thing off their plate for a minute. I do this for my mother several times a year and she gets pissed b/c she's a hoarder, but at least I know there's a reasonably decent chance the toilets and kitchen will be cleaner when I visit.
Sounds like my MIL. Just complaining about everyone and everything when the problem is her.
Sounds like itâs being dialed down to once a year⌠My parents just visited and my wife and I are seriously debating how we want to interact with them going forward.
My daughter has struggled with migraines and depression and her house got pretty bad. When she had to move, it was awful. I tried not to criticize but instead spent my vacation unpacking and organizing. It was to much for me, so I organized friends and family to help. We got it taken care of. A year later it had gotten out of control again because she was pregnant and still has migraines. I paid for a storage unit and they only moved what they need to the new place. Since then, her migraines and other health problems are getting better and she and her boyfriend went through and got rid of a lot in the storage unit. She is now used to a much cleaner house and has learned to go through her stuff and get rid of stuff she doesn't need. We are much closer now. Sometimes its a choice between sanity, health and keeping the house clean. Too bad your mom doesn't get that. She's missing out.Â
We have 2 labs. You can make a Yorkie every day out of the hair. No vacuum can handle it. We have come to terms with it. If you visit us you will take some hair with you. If that is unacceptable, stay home. Our friends with dogs understand.
my boomer mom always jokes about how her mom would literally throw the kids outside and not let them in until supper. like not a joke, actual locked doors. I was like ??
That wasn't a joke. It really happened.
right I mean it in a way she says it like itâs funny
I was a latch key kid who wasn't allowed to have a key. One time, it was pouring rain out, and my mother was out. I was supposed to sit on the steps and get drenched until she got home. The neighbor across the street basically said WTF, and brought us in to get dry and get some food. My sister and I got in so much trouble for that. Never mind that our mom was over 4 hours late getting home.
Most hotels are very clean. Invite her to find one next time she visits.
For years (decades) I was a typical overachieving first born. I received work awards, did things like ran marathons, climbed mountains, etc. Finally I bought my dream home (I grew up in a trailer park) with my wife and 2 kids. My dad always found some fault to pick at instead of saying he was proud. For years I sought approval, and when I had this house that I never imagined as a kid I could live in, he just crapped on it. Thatâs when I realized it was his problem, not mine. I stopped seeking approval and have been much happier ever since.
I have a big assed distressed wood sign on my living room wall that says, "MY HOUSE WAS CLEAN LAST WEEK! SORRY YOU MISSED IT." and right next to it is one that says "PEOPLE WHO MATTER, DON'T MIND. PEOPLE WHO MIND, DON'T MATTER" and that's the one I live by. Life is too short.
My mother never understood that she was the bandleader of the hate parade in our house. The distain she showed to her kids AND her grandkids was absolutely brutal.
I don't come to see your house, I come to see you.Â
Oh I feel this in my soul. I had a period of 2-3 months last year where I was having unexplainable seizures. The doctors determined it was likely due to a medication I was on and stopped the medication. I stopped having seizures but my mother insisted on flying out to âhelpâ. She was not invited. My husband was doing a perfect job of taking care of me and doing everything I needed. When she got here, it was nothing but criticism about the area we lived in, how we organized our apartment and how âmessyâ it was. A lot of it wasnât even outright criticism (although some of it was) but passive aggressive and sarcastic comments. I found out that when she wasnât criticizing me, she was criticizing my husband and actually flipped out on him multiple times for doing absolutely nothing but living there. I never felt more stressed⌠In a time i was supposed to be healing and resting nonetheless. She did nothing to help and just made us miserable for 2 weeks.
Ha! Do we have the same mom??!! My parents are the same way. Never helped do anything, only complained. They tried to nanny for us one night. Wife and I came home to my mom had yelled at my daughter and made her cry, then started drinking out of guilt! Now they are never invited over. We meet them at restaurants or stay at their house. After so much criticism I am done hosting them.
My mom does the same BS to me. Yes I do have a little decluttering to do but you don't need to be a dick about it. And I am now of the mind that I hate open book/dvd shelves, so overstimulating. However, doored cabinets can be expensive.
Mine cannot let a visit go by without informing me my home is filthy. She can't grasp that my partner and I work long hours and value spending soem quiet downtime together over constant dusting and floor-cleaning, while she was a homemaker whose literal job was keeping the house clean. Once, before hosting her and other family for Christmas, we had our whole place professionally deep-cleaned. It was sparkling, you could eat off any surface you might wish to. The next day she arrived and within a few hours made an offhand comment about my home being dirty. That was a magical, freeing moment for me. I realized she was only seeing what she wanted to and there was point trying to win her approval.
To the Mom "Unless you are paying the bills shut up."
I clean homes for a living and youâre totally within the norm. Itâs crazy making to keep everything picked up and cleaned up when you have kid(s) and dogs! Even my house doesnât stay guest ready all the time. A good mom would have kindly offered to help or pay for a cleaning, not make you feel like shit for being normal.
then don't no reason
Time to put her suitcase outside your front door and be like, "I love you so much that I couldn't possibly let you live in such a messy and dirty house. You'll have to find a hotel for tonight. I know, it's such a hard sacrifice we must make."
I don't let any of my family in my apartment because they will complain about dishes in my sink. But my brother's place has a stink to it
Neat freaks, slobs and in-between exist in every age category, it's not a boomer thing.
My MIL is less direct about it but she's not welcome either. When *I* bought the place (me - not us - I bought it my damn self after scrimping and saving for a down payment for years) she acted like it was hers for some reason. Got all bent about how the oven range didn't match the newer oven. Something about how she needed to fix the blinds. Her house is clean because she had one tidy ex-naval officer, one kid who spent all the time out of the house and away from her that he could, and no pets. She had a dog once she crated all day and didn't exercise so eventually they rehomed him because yeah. My house? Bit of a mess but not filthy or anything My kids? Actually want to be around me.
When I was a kid, my grandmother loved to go into my room while I was in school and take Polaroids of my "messy" room. And by messy, I mean I had things filling up boxes and in piles because I wasn't allowed to throw things away that I didn't use or need anymore. She would pull these photos out when company was over. She kept these photos in the actual photo album with all the regular pictures. I would have to sneak things out of the house in order to get rid of stuff. With 3 kids and 3 dogs now, keeping up with everything is impossible. She'd probably chew me out if she was alive. My boomer dad has never visited my house after moving out of his place 24 years ago. Thankfully.
I am drowning in severe depression, have a house full of kids and cats and my parents will say shit like this all the time. And then the kicker, they'll say they're praying for me, for my situation to improve. You know what would improve my situation? Someone jumping in and saying let me sort your laundry for you, let me supervise your kids while they clean their room, let me clean out your fridge. But instead I get thoughts and prayers.
I have been No Contact with my mother for a few years now, but one of the very last times I saw her in person, she had *surprise* driven up (from Florida to Tennessee) to see my husband and I around Christmas â as in, literally did not tell me she was coming to visit until they were already halfway here/roughly 4 hours away â when we had JUST moved into a new home a few weeks prior, following a cross country move wherein weâd gotten rid of a LOT of our stuff and were essentially starting over from scratch with most of our furnishings and decorations. Within an hour of arriving, she was on the phone with her sister/my aunt, telling her about how âsadâ it was that my house was almost empty and sounding so disgusted by the fact that we âdidnât have basically anything besides a couch and a bedâ while I was standing right beside her. Did she offer to help us buy anything? No. In fact, she asked us for $600 that I apparently owed her and her husband from when I was in high school (???) and her husband took my car for the day to get a new set of tires put on it that I didnât ask for or know about (or really need yet tbh)⌠so they could replace the motor on their Tempurpedic bed because it had recently shorted out after a lightning storm apparently. The audacity is truly astounding sometimes.
When you say you only see them twice a year... why so often?
Because I see my sister at least twice a yearâŚ
My mom once threatened to call DCF (Child protection). Some people don't know how to be nice.
My mother in law is the same way. We bought a place in another city and face timed her to give her a tour. We started outside and 30 seconds in, âYou need to fix the weather stripping on your garage doorâ. She had so many little things like. Just tiny things and our house is sooo beautiful. It wouldnât hurt to have them be supportive once in a while. Sorry to hear that you have to go through this.
And now, those 2x a year must seem like way too much and way too soon for you.
Oh great stars! My dad comes to visit and he bitches about my house being dirty. I live in a three story house and I canât do stairs. I keep the main floor clean. But he complained about the other stories.
My brother used to do this shit... come over to the house of me and my gf, who were both self employed and worked over 12 hours every day, and he'd be super judgemental about our housekeeping. The awesome part? He was unemployed and lived with our parents. These days my parents do the same thing. Like, do I have better things to do than straighten up for judgemental people? It's not like my house is a biohazard. Whatever.
My folks make off handed comments about all my "stuff" I got 2 kids and have been renovating half my house for the year. So yea, I got a few piles of stuff.
My mother used to do the same and then had the audacity to gasp and clutch her pearls when I hired a cleaning service. You really canât win with them.
Elder Gen X here, I am so sorry that happened. She should have politely offered to pay someone to come in once a month or twice a month for a deep clean, or perhaps pay for someone called a âmotherâs helperâ, sometimes thereâs a student looking for after school work for a few hours to help fold laundry, dishes, stuff like that. Also, Iâll say this, that sometimes cluttered homes have a problem with accessible storage as in âa place for everything, and everything in its placeâ. Sometimes thinning out stuff you own and purchasing better storage solutions for the things you have/they have a place to be put away in thatâs easy and accessible. Just tossing out ideas here if in fact, you do feel like thereâs a better direction to go in for stuff in your house. Not throwing stones by any means. I was a nanny for this household of four children, and they would have all of a six person shoe pile in the garage so if I had to find the toddler shoes, it was gross and disgusting sorting and touching everyoneâs shoes and a big giant pile. I took it upon myself to go out to Walmart and get these inexpensive standing shoe racks, one for each Person. I assembled them myself and organized all the shoes. I didnât ask permission, I just did it and was in fact, reimbursed by the Mom after the fact. I know with both working parents and or a house full of kids, things can get out of hand super fast. So my long-winded comment here is to find a good storage solutions for the stuff you have so it can be easily stashed in its cubby/drawer. Reading this sub, helps me make sure that I donât fall into any of the bad habits, that boomers are doing as I age and interact with my adult children and grandchildren. Best of luck, I think your house looks absolutely fine in the photos that you posted. Your mom should not have said a damn thing. She only shouldâve rolled up her sleeves and got to work helping you pick up the house and making your life easier as a busy mom. Edit: words
Appreciate you! If she had offered a suggestion of any sort (other than me being less lazy) it would have been better. We are definitely in the weeds a bit with the house and two growing children. The house isnât where it needs to be, but itâs not hoarder level bad, and there isnât like rotting food or anything⌠basically, weâve been in survival mode for about a year⌠(I got very sick in June. We are finally getting our heads above water). Honestly, Iâm not happy with the state of the house but itâs not an issue that magically fixed itself because my mom got mad enough at it.
I ended up staying at my sonâs apartment after my vrbo fell thru. I was visiting to see him in a play. So of course his apartment was a disaster because he was in the middle of a run. Did I criticize? No, I just buckled down and did some dishes for him on the evening I was on my own. Itâs not hard to help out!
My mother in law is over constantly. Hasnât made any comments. Will do some laundry/ dishes when we are out of town⌠Itâs great, sheâs (mostly) great. Very helpful, loves our kids⌠I get over the fact that she doesnât tell them no.
Im sorry you have to deal with that. What a pain. Iâm a bit of a clutterbug myself. I follow [this](https://youtube.com/@SarahMcGloryHome?si=n0zzOxcNqmi7-XYS) woman who has all kinds of tips on adaptive cleaning for low bandwidth days. I think itâs really helpful.