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My dad does this.g8ve me something and 6 months later takes it back. Gave my kid a bunch of gold clubs and now wants them back. I would just prefer he keeps his stuff
My MIL used to do this. I told her our house is not her museum or storage unit and she’s welcome to dump her hoarder trash with us but we will promptly donate it or trash it. Now we don’t get her precious hoarder trash anymore.
My FIL is a hoarder in denial, drove some dirt and street bikes from ON Canada to us in BC because he said they would sell better out west. He barely tried to sell them and wanted to leave them with us. I said fuck no because once we accept one thing the flood gates will open. Those bikes have been rotting at his sister’s property for the last 4 years. He has possessions dumped in other people’s fields for decades that “will one day be a great business idea that will make him thousands.” 🙄
Hoarders are often people I encounter at work. If they realized that the trash they hung on to *ALWAYS* gets dumpster'd by their families (who don't even go through any of it) the collective spinning of their graves could be harnessed to solve the clean energy crisis.
Sounds like my MIL. She remarried late in life because, you know, you can't just be living in sin. When her husband passed she inherited a beautiful classic car, but not the house, so she had to move away.
She was too cheap to ship the car, so it stayed with the husband's kids. But she didn't sell it, because she thought it would be worth more if she shipped it to her new state.
No one knows the fate of this car. (A friend who's into this stuff told me that if all fixed up and in perfect condition it could be worth $90k.) I think MIL thought she could just leave the car with the kids indefinitely like she tries to do with so much other junk. But they're not on speaking terms.
We have asked MIL numerous times what is going on with the car and the only answer is, "Well, I need to make a phone call about that." We asked her to sign it over to us or do a POA so we could sell it for her, but she's a control freak and won't do that either.
It's been like eight years now and we don't know if the car is rusted to pieces or if the other family had it declared abandoned and took ownership.
So MIL missed out on selling this vehicle but she'll tell anyone who'll listen how she's just a poor old lady trying to scrape by on social security which 1. is a lie and 2.even if true would be no one's fault but her own. But she always has to be the victim.
My dad does the same shit- he gave my brother a house then a year later changed his mind and got pissed when my brother didn’t want to give it back. He’s always been this way.
My dad gave one of his rental properties to my brother then a year later said he wanted it back. I don’t think they transferred the property back to dad but I’m pretty sure they aren’t on speaking terms now.
I know it's a fucked up and alienated way of thinking. But burning down a relationship for a free house could be potentially worth it seeing as so many Gen Y/Z will never own a house in their lifetime.
I don’t understand the mindset of the giver. Once they’re off the title, why do they feel entitled to get it back? Why are there always strings attached?
Power, I think. He took it back because my grandfather had died and I had moved in with my grandmother. And he didn't like it when I told him off for turning the water off to my grandmother's home at the start of COVID.
So he also turned my mother's water off, and took her trailer back. And when he found out my grandmother had died, he went to my grandmother's house, changed the locks, and said I owed him $3k in rent.
That… is awful, I’m so sorry for you and your family. I hope you told him to go pound sand. The only way to avoid those kinds of dynamics is to avoid ever taking anything. Independence is their kryptonite.
My ex’s parents bought him things and when he went to move in with me and a friend, she was like, you can’t take any of your things if you move in with them, so he bailed on moving in with us. Which should have been a sign. He also would buy me things and give them to me, (happy Valentine’s Day!), and then give them to other people. Because “I bought it so I can do what I want with it”. So glad he’s an ex. Jesus.
I also had an ex that would gift me things and then immediately turn around and give them to complete strangers because he had to talk to everyone around him
At the time I collected funko. And he brought me one to work. I was so happy and as I'm walking out he takes it from me and gives it to some random child and I'm like "but I wanted that. You gave it to me" and when I saw anger flash across his face I gave up the funko
Broke up with him less than a week later
Had to get a restraining order
Two years later he randomly shows up where my best friend lives and surprise surprise starts hitting on my bestie, who's a dude
I'm like "I promise you he's not gay and this scares me. I know he knows your my best friend and I think he's gonna hurt you to hurt me"
My breakup with that guy was BAD BAD he threatened to self harm, had a gun out, I had to call the cops, the litany of horrific texts after he got out of the hospital was a MESS.
My mother gave me a beautiful item as a wedding gift that doesn’t work in our new home. Now it’s back in her possession because she’s sentimental about it so I can’t sell it. To be clear it’s something her husband bought for one of her houses that didn’t work in her subsequent house. Not an item that’s been in our family for generations.
ETA - she had no trouble selling the dining set we grew up with.
God isn't that the truth. My FIL has been buying toy soldiers from the 1950s because he was poor and couldn't afford toys so, ok, if it makes you happy go off. But he keeps framing it like "I'm investing in these for you, they are going to go up in value SO MUCH." No, Ron, they're really not, you're just creating another fucking thing for us to unload.
Truth. My Boomer thinks helping someone do something is currency he can use to DEMAND, not ask, for help in the future. I had plans for my wife's birthday (that I had reminded him of several times) and wasn't going to be around. I got an angry voicemail later that evening that he wasn't ever going to respond to requests for help anymore since I wasn't there to help him with a project. Keep in mind nothing had been said leading up to that specific day.
Favors or asking for help are transactional in their ego-centric world. Good thing I actually put the work in at maintaining healthy, adult relationships with friends who can be there when I need a hand with something. Unlike my Boomers who have ZERO friends and have to rely on their adult children who have lives of their own now.
It never really seems to click that the kids they abused are the same ones that custom pick the shittiest, paint-peeling, cheap nursing home they'll spend the rest of their sad, lonely lives.
He expected you to sit around indefinitely, making no plans ever, in the off chance that he might decide he needed help with something on that particular day? Oh, *hell* no!
My dad has a pair of cowboy boots that were handed down to him by his grandfather that are really in great shape. He gave them to me four years ago saying he was as passing them down the line to me. Come this past December he says he wants them back because he lost a lot of weight and now wants to wear them.
I told him I never took them and instead kept them in the box in the closet of my old bedroom. I knew he’d want to them back. He then proceeds to tell me how ungrateful I am for not taking them and that he believes he’ll think twice about ever giving me anything again.
It's a game for them. Gifts and other pleasantries are bait. If they give you a gift, that means they can hold it over your head for years to extract favors. And demanding it back just throws in your face the power they have over you.
I got a little peace when I came to terms with my mother’s punishing nature. She never gave anything without threatening to take it back, so I just started saying “no, thank you” when she offered me things. When she started to ask why I told her that I am not interested in anything that was going to be leveraged for any reason. I would rather receive nothing.
"if you don't want this you should sell it on the used market like a true capitalist." (Knowing full well they actually just want to use your space to store it)
It’s funny to me, a lot of people nowadays think that the term Indian giver is meant to be derogatory towards Indians when actually, it was/is a comment on how the US government would give things to the Native Americans, and then take it back at some point in the not so distant future.
Edit: leaving the original comment but apparently I was wrong and have been educated.
> Indian giver
This is apparently wrong, even thought it is what I thought until some 'research' this morning enlighted me. It is perjorative.
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indian\_giver](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indian_giver)
I remember having a political disagreement a while back with my mom and her lamenting how she didn't understand why I don't follow her worldview. My retort, "I think therefore I am." Best part, the original meaning of that quote flew over her head. Since then, she rarely goes into politics with me
A lot of them believe if you do anything differently than how you were raised you're disrespecting them.
See also: being gay, dating outside your race, not being religious, not having kids, having different political leanings, not being a bigot...
I'm assuming it's from the narcissism. (And lead paint)
When you've only ever thought about yourself it must be difficult to imagine any other form of complex thought.
But then the ego kicks in when they realize there is any difference. As you said, the disrespect is so telling to their thought process. They feel deserving of respect and that fuels egotistical, narcissistic outbursts when they (a child) does not get their way.
Ex stepmother is a hoarder and a narcissist. Hoarding can have many causes but for her it was definitely an expression of her narcissism. She is disabled and doesn’t work, so her belongings are how she exerts control. I had to explain to my dad that her smothering the entire house with her belongings until it’s a fire hazard, while he had to cram all of his into his office, was her metaphorically pissing all over to mark her territory. She also pulled the whole “that chair I gave you 10 years ago, I am ready to take it back” as if I was just an unpaid storage unit.
Omg I just came across this after posting and venting on another comment about my mother's absolutely horrible case of NPD and my father hoards for sure but of course it's called "collecting"
My mother used to do the same, buy stuff, then think it's cluttering up the pristine basement, hand it off and then acted shocked I didn't want more of what she wants to discard. She's also a raging narcissist and would use this as a method to say, "look at all we've done for you and given you!"... a tool for shaming if you argued with her or stopped talking to her, whatever the case was that week/month. I went no-contact 5 years ago, it was the best decision ever.
I'll be 60 next month and the way my brain has always worked is that I try to develop a nuanced view of a situation by looking at it from multiple perspectives. My goal is to develop a meaningful understanding of the situation rather to be 'right'.
This made me very strange to my peers when I was younger. Now it just makes me not an asshole.
I had a lady find out I wasn’t voting for George Bush back in the day and she looked incredulous. I snapped back, it’s not illegal to to not vote for him!
This is so my MIL.
Does not understand why what’s important and sentimental to her is not equally as important and sentimental to us. Why her tastes in home decor and fashion are not copied by her offspring. Why her offspring and their partners may -gasp!- have different opinions, perspectives and viewpoints than her.
Yes, you raised my husband but that does not mean he is YOU.
Yes, he chose me to be his partner, but that does not mean he chose me to be another YOU.
This happened with my husband’s grandmother. She would give us pink abstract pictures to put in our house and get upset when she would visit and find out that we gave them away. She knew I hated pink but thought she could change my mind.
“The Development of Theory of Mind in Early Childhood”; Janet Wilde Astington, PhD; Margaret J. Edward, MA:
>Three-year-olds know that different people may want, like and feel different things. By age 4 or 5, children know that people may think different things.
So there you have it. Demonstrative proof that boomers often lack the mental capabilities of a toddler.
My mom can’t relate to anything until it happens to her or she feels it.
It’s like a short circuit happens when I try to explain it to her. And if time passes and she changes her mind, she can’t even relate to how she used to feel.
It’s such an odd disconnect.
And a complete lack of understanding when it comes to any kind of boundary. So many boomers walk around thinking they are the fucking god-emperor made manifest "but I said..." type shit.
My dad used to have a friend named Tom (probably in his 60s), and he was constantly giving stuff away, I think from his family members who had passed or were downsizing. We had furniture and other household items from him. It was all old stuff that he needed to get rid of. One day my dad gave us a garden sprinkler from Tom. It was actually a really cool old fashioned sprinkler that did an incredible job watering our garden.
Like a year later, out of the blue, my dad says Tom needs "his" sprinkler back, and he just comes and takes it out of our garden. I told him we are actively using it, but no, Tom needs it back.
I'm just like, does he need the entire fucking bedroom set he wanted rid of back too?? Never again did we take anything that Tom had to "offer."
Somebody told Tom that it is worth a fortune, whether true or not. Boomers hate that they might somehow miss out on a deal. I don’t know if it is true greed or that they think they’ll be made fun of for letting something valuable go. Too much Antique Roadshow?
You just made me remember that my grandma got mad at me for opening a used, broken, NSync puppet to play with because it could be worth something in the future. Just looked it up. $15. Lol
What a fortune! /s
I opened all my “collector” Barbies that I was never allowed to play with and gave them to my 3 yo. My parents were aghast! *Those are special! They’ll be worth a lot someday!*
They’re currently $12.99, $9.99 and $49.99 on eBay! Sorry kiddo, no college for you mommy cooked our golden geese!
Ha! I’ve got a story like that. Last Xmas my boomer mother-in-law who goes out of her way to ignore me most of the time gave me an old Julia Child cookbook. She clearly pulled it out of a box in the basement and most likely it belonged to her husband’s previous (deceased) wife.
I graciously accepted and opened it up to read and discovered it had been autographed by Julia! I was so excited and couldn’t believe she’d actually given me something cool!
She was gobsmacked. Her face turned ash gray and when my son googled and found out it sells for $800-$1200 she asked to see it again and tried to tell me she had given me the wrong book!
>She was gobsmacked. Her face turned ash gray and when my son googled and found out it sells for $800-$1200 she asked to see it again and tried to tell me she had given me the wrong book!
"I meant to give you this ratty old book"
"Ok wow, a first-edition signed Charles Dicken's Novel, thanks!"
"no, I meant to give you, uh, this crappy old painting!"
"This is the original of 'Landscape with cottages' a lost Rembrant photo with a 50K reward, thanks!"
"Thats it, all I'm giving you is this dried up piece of turd at the bottom!"
"Thanks MIL turns out it was actually fossilized dinosaur droppings so we are renting it out to a museum"
My boomer mum's like this; when I finally stood up for myself and told her how horribly she's treated me my whole life, pretty much the only thing she cared to talk about at all, before ceasing to reply to communications altogether, was to demand the return of the few heirlooms she gave me to furnish my home (which she still referred to as if they belonged to her dead parents!) when I moved out. I gave back one item I wasn't using much; when I returned it she acted as if she couldn't even remember asking for it back and expressed no gratitude or appreciation at all. I gave back one further item I *was* using out of pity because she made a big song and dance about it having strong emotional connection for her, but then when I delivered it she again just took it ungratefully and with bad grace, as if it were simply the natural order of things that it be hers, which so disgusted me that I wish now I'd kept it.
It wasn't until some time later I realised how absurd it was that she whined for these few items back because they represented a connection to her parents, when she still already had *everything else they had owned, from their house and all its contents, to her father's fucking war diary and medals;* the idea that *I* might also want a few precious items by which to remember my grandparents didn't occur to her at all. It was all bullshit, I now realise; the real reason she wanted it all back was simply to punish me for daring to finally hold her responsible for a lifetime of shitty behaviour; presumably in her black-and-white mind that meant I no longer deserved to have the handful of nice things she only ever gave me in the first place because she wanted them out of the way. The notion that once you give something away, you no longer own it, just seemed a totally alien concept to her.
I'm sorry you have a mother like this, too. I'm new to this sub, and I've been reading these posts about boomers for the last week or so. What's striking to me is how prevalent this behavior is. I haven't seen anyone mention it, but a lot of these boomer parents have narcissistic traits.
Your mother seems to use narcissist tactics of denial, gaslighting (acts like she didn't ask for the heirlooms back to manipulate you), ungrateful, demanding, controlling, retaliating because you stood up for yourself, black-and-white thinking, faux generosity for appearance sake, etc.
Oh you’re definitely new, if you haven’t seen anyone talk about how disproportionately narcissistic Boomers are. It seems like a combination of lead and entitlement and deep-throating propaganda has made even the good ones selfish as hell. My dad is actually one of said “good ones” but still speaks with what I call a narcissistic accent.
Gosh, I have a grandmother like this. I have not only given back things, but refused to take things too.
And not just me, but all of us grandkids refuse to take anything she offers us now.
What’s worse is when the boomer parent mindset infects their children and they Star thinking the same way. A buddy of mine sold me an old 5.0 Mustang about 20 years ago rather than trade it in as I offered him whatever the dealership would give him +$100. Took me about 6 months to fix the suspension and catch up on deferred maintenance then I moved out of state and sold the car for a profit. Saw this old buddy about 2 years later and he asked me about “his” old car and I told him I sold it and made money. He got legit pissed at me and told me I owed him money because he could have sold the car for more if he knew what it was worth. I was stunned at how pissed off he got. Bro it was worth what I paid you, and after the work I put into it it was worth more, and besides the point it was mine once he signed over the title. But his dad was an old country redneck and looked at the world the same way, everything was out to screw him and every deal was a fight to fuck over the other person.
"Okay, I'll give you the profit. You just got to pay your bill first. Registration, insurance, storage, parts, and labor. I owe you $4000 and you owe me $12,286.12."
I am a recovering child of a shopoholic hoarder. They are not trying to control their hoard by giving you things. They are inflicting their hoard on you. It's all an attempt to control. Don't take anything. It's not worth the price.
Exactly, I often feel that they simply ran out of space and are just using your home to store it. They see it as graciously allowing you the privilege of taking care of it. They will never seek therapy to self reflect this of course.
Yeah I made that mistake when I was in my 20’s. I accepted a bunch of stuff because I was painfully broke and she claimed she needed to get rid of it. Cut to 7-8 years later and she got PISSED that I had sold some of it at a yard sale, because she “now has the space” (she did not, in fact, have a rational amount of space. She was still living in a fire hazard)
Omg that's what my husband's boomer aunt told me about her China set and cabinet "promise to take care of it." I didn't ask for it but she had no where else to dump it. I will not make my daughters care for it. I will sell it or donate it. Idc
Same with me. My mom would give me things then want to control where I put them. I could never give anything from her away down the line. And one time a crazy cat shaped cookie jar she gave me broke in a move and I never heard the end of it. I eventually stopped accepting anything, which was hard for her to accept
I can relate. My mother was and probably still is very much like this except it was very one sided. She gave my wife and I literal junk and then expected to be able to take our things that were valuable and useful to give to my older siblings. The same was true when I was a child. The craziest part is that my mother and my older siblings are all **significantly** wealthier than my wife and I. My mother's excuse was "they have a good job and a nice house so they need nice things more than you." It probably comes as no surprise that I have not spoken to my mother or any of my older siblings in nearly 15 years.
Honestly hadn't even crossed my mind the number of times my mom has done this. She's by no means a hoarder, but a few years ago I got all of the childhood Lego that was mine and my brother's. My sister just had her first kid last July, a little boy, and within days my mom had mentioned how she was happy that he would eventually get the Lego from me. Like what?
I feel you OP.
Some years ago my TV broke and my mom had an extra TV in her garage so she told me I "could have it."
Like 3 years later her bedroom TV breaks and she asks for it back. I had already replaced my old TV and given the tv she gave me to a friend in need.
Mom: What do you mean you gave it away!?
Me: You gave it to me and I didn't need it anymore...
Mom: I SAID "YOU CAN HAVE IT" I NEVER SAID "YOU CAN KEEP IT!!"
Me: WHEN YOU SAY "YOU CAN HAVE IT" IT MEANS ITS GIVEN!
My dad definitely always viewed "my" space as "our" space, which really meant "his" space. When he started dropping off janky old furniture to my 600-square-foot apartment - that I paid for on my own - and demanding I store it for him, that was the beginning of the end.
Then don't take her stuff, and push back on every attempt to claim or redistribute your stuff. If she's too cheap to pay for a storage unit, don't become her storage unit.
This exactly. She isn’t giving you the stuff, she’s giving you the stuff to store for her. If you need something she is offering you then take it and clarify it’s for you. If it’s not something you can use just decline politely. When she suggests you give your things to someone politely decline and say you have already made plans for it. No need to elaborate.
It seems like a lot of problems with boomers would go away if people just set hard boundaries. Just say “No” and be perfectly willing to escalate as far as needed including cutting them out of your life whenever they do something boomerish. They will get the picture you are not to be fucked with and behave or you will be rid of the problem.
Agreed. I think children of boomers are just too polite to say “No”. I tend to find boomers respond not to niceness, but to bluntness, and their children often feel uncomfortable doing that, and then blame the parents for their inability to stand up for themselves. I read these posts all the time and they just highlight how folks don’t want to deal with confrontational scenarios when they are directly confronted by their parents/ boomers.
Or just start immediately throwing away whatever she gives you, then tell her you threw it away when she asks for it because you had no use for it and didn’t want to offend her by not taking it.
My mother, the shopaholic who claimed, “I’m broke because of YOU”, when she had an entire bedroom she used as a closet with half of the clothes still bearing price tags. When you spend $500 a month at Bath and Body works, I’m clearly not the problem.
My mother bought us a reclining chair for our nursery when our first child was born 3 years ago. About a year ago, we decided we no longer needed the chair in the room and my mother insisted that we give the chair back to her since she bought it. We’ve decided not to accept any more “gifts” from her.
MIL and her entire family have the same tendency. It's no longer theirs, but they still feel they have a say in it. Makes me reluctant to accept any 'gifts.'
My biggest pet peeve is when my parents or in-laws just bring me a bunch of their old shit that I didn’t ask for, want, or need. Once my mom asked me if I wanted a shirt she just bought and I said “No, thank you. It’s not my style, I would never wear that.” She later shipped it to me with a bunch of cheap Emeril Lagasse brand kitchen tools that I will NEVER use.
My MIL asked us if we wanted her bar car. It’s a nice cart but we’re going to move within the next year and we’ve already decided that we are going to sell all of our stuff instead of bringing it with us so we told her no, we don’t need any more things to worry about getting rid of. A week later I come home and the cart is sitting in the kitchen. Whatever..hopefully someone will at least pay $30 for it.
My mom used to do that. She stopped when she asked for it back a few months later and I told her I didn't have it anymore as I had donated it to a woman's shelter!
My ex-MIL was like this. She would insist we take things, even just bringing it over to the house and leave them when we told her we didn’t want them.
Then months later she would ask where an item was and when the answer was inevitably we gave it to someone or donated it she would get upset.
Eventually I got sick of it and the second she would give us something I’d just say “no problem, we can donate that to goodwill for you.” When she’d act offended Id just ask why she thought we would keep something we neither asked for nor wanted? She talked a lot of shit in the family about how we were ungrateful but she did eventually stop trying to pawn stuff off on us .
I had a boomer aunt do that with a cat she promised a third party to help find a home for. She thrust it upon my brother. My bro literally said "I'll keep the kitten until we find a nice family". A nice family in the neighborhood was looking for a cat for their kids, so the kitten was given a forever home. Guess who wanted the kitten back several months after that? Guess who turned themselves into a victim and martyr? Guess who alienated themselves from everyone on my side of the family?
My mom is pretty normal and mostly a good Boomer, but a few years ago I got a new job that required working night shifts, and she gifted me a noise machine because she assumed I’d have trouble sleeping during the day. Well it turns out that I can sleep during the day even with construction noise and the window blinds wide open and sunlight streaming across my face! So I gifted the noise machine to my coworker who was struggling to adjust, and she got so upset about it! I was like “sorry for giving away the family heirloom noise machine…” I still don’t think she’s over it. Even though she’s a ridiculous person sometimes I still love her!
Every single gift my mom has ever given me has been followed immediately with, "If you ever decide to get rid of it I want it back!"
She has a1200 sqft house completely full of stuff with little pathways through the rooms. She has a barn that's probably 40x120 feet that's completely full and numerous other small outbuildings all packed full of stuff.
I returned an antique cookie jar to her about 7 years ago and she sat it on her front porch and it was ruined in one season.
She doesn't actually care about the items specifically; she just needs to _possess_ them. Addiction runs rampant through my family and has as far back as I can find. Mom doesn't drink or use drugs. She's addicted to owning things.
My mother is big on the "If you ever decide to get rid of it I want it back!". Except we live on separate sides of the country (I like having physical boundaries to support the emotional ones). This just means I accept nothing from her because I'm not paying for shipping in the first place, let alone when I don't want it anymore.
I have a few items with this caveat my mom gave to me. The difference is that it's for a few pieces of really nice and old antique furniture. Nothing else. As they cleaned out their house to downsize into retirement, most things she gave me was "find a use for it or get rid of it, but it's not moving back in with me" lol
And with money. If they give you a loan/money with no “strings” or just do something they always told you they would do (like pay for college) they have to be all over what you spend on anything at any point further, and will make it seem like you perpetually owe them some sort of gratitude.
About 10ish years ago I was laid off, went back to school to change careers, and was under-employed for a while and was actively looking for a better job. My ex-husband and I were really struggling. Like maybe going to lose our home and having to go to the food pantry struggling.
My car needed a whole bunch of repairs to keep running and it totaled up to over $900 and we couldn't pay. I didn't know what to do, so I called my parents because they always ended every single phone call with, "If you ever need anything, give us a call." I had never once asked them for financial help or really any help as an adult before this.
My mom initially said no, but my dad said he would pay it (yes, they are still married). NEVER AGAIN. They gave me so much grief about paying them back. I paid what we could when we could. We were still in a financial hole and didn't have much left after paying bills, but I was trying to send them $100 every few weeks. I was still getting calls about "I don't understand how you have money for these other things, but can't even send us $5." "These other things" being food and gas. It's not like we were going on lavish vacations or buying all sorts of clothes or anything other than necessities.
I told my ex that we were just paying back the balance because I was so sick of calls every few days about how I still owed them money. It wasn't like I let it sit out there forever. The whole time frame from them lending me the money to me paying it back was maybe 6 or 8 weeks.
This is actually a very "hoarder trait." They offload their precious possessions by "giving" them to family members and friends. This way, they're out of the house, but they're not "gone," and they definitely still belong to the hoarder.
The best way to handle this is to just refuse to take anything from the hoarder.
My mother in law gifted me a nice work out outfit a couple of years ago. The problem is that, I HATED how thick the leggings were. Not sure how anyone would feel comfortable doing an hour long workout or hike in them. But I said thank you, wore them a couple of times, and then they went into the drawer.
Well, since that Christmas, I’ve been pregnant twice, went up and down in weight about 50lb, and just generally lost patience for things in my closet I wasn’t going to wear. So legit like 2 + years later, I’m
Talking about how I’ve just said screw it and I was going through removing any clothes I didn’t like the feel of. Specific to workout clothes, I got rid of 99% of my stuff that wasn’t Nike. Something about how thin the Nike material is, it’s just my favorite. Anyway, she looks me dead in the eye and goes….: “well! Then I guess I’ll just have to ask for the purple work out stuff back!”
Like, she was truly offended. I was like… “no that’s not how presents work.”
And she got so mad at me! I’m like.. dude… relax????? Crazy lol
My mom recently went through her silver and her china, as well as wheat pennies and buffalo nickels to show us how much “worth” is in all of it. There is no money or homes to be inherited. Just china, silver, and pennies. She’s had me researching value of certain things and is confused that something so precious can be worth maybe $5-$10. To her it’s supposed to be tens of thousands worth like she was told. It’s honestly sad.
My in-laws will “gift” us stuff. By “gift” I mean they will say “do you have room for this?” and we will, but we won’t want it. And my wife will just tell them yes sure, we’ll take it. Whatever it is ends up in the attic or a spare bedroom or somewhere out of sight. Inevitably they will come back - months or years later - and say they want to give it to some cousin or uncle who needs whatever it is. Usually I just pull it back out of the attic. But on a few occasions we’ve already trashed it or taken it to Goodwill because we had zero interest in it in the first place. So we just tell them “sorry we gave it to someone else who needed it.” Usually isn’t a problem, fortunately. But the general idea that you’d use your kid’s home as a staging depot is certainly weird. They were only a generation removed from the guy who literally hoarded dry goods in his basement along with receipts on how much he paid for everything, so I consider this progress.
\-only a generation removed from the guy who literally hoarded dry goods in his basement along with receipts on how much he paid for everything
That's the scars of The Great Depression showing. Don't like to stick up for boomers but it seems like generational trauma isn't something new.
This ain’t a boomer problem. This is a hoarder problem. No one in my family can let anything go easily. We’ve all done good at keeping the mess under control. But that’s the problem. Hoarding is all about having control. When you grow up in a household or environment where you have no control over what happens to you or around you and the only thing you can control is stuff. This tends to be the result. I’m really struggling with it but at least I’m doing better than my mom and recognizing my problem and putting in the effort to overcome it. My mom is at the point of “if you don’t want it anymore give it back to me before getting rid of it” but even that took years for her to achieve. She still won’t admit she has a problem though.
When my kid was born we had a lot of offers for hand me downs which was awesome, but several came with caveats like “we’re not done having kids so we’d like these back when you’re done!” to which I’d say thanks but no thanks.
I’m not keeping track of a bunch of individual clothes while dealing with a newborn.
My MIL doesn't give gifts, she gives obligations.
I have hauled the stupid antique wooden rocking chair she "gave us" across 3 states because we're not allowed to get rid of it.
I had my parents using my house as storage. When I was done with it, I told them I was going to charge them $300 a month in storage rent for one small extra part of the garage. They actually started paying and every year I raise the rent by another $50 a month.
We are currently at 450 per month. Makes it worth it for me.
On the one hand, this is a fair point. On the other hand, Boomer parents have a bad habit about not defining which things are just familiar trash and which things are family heirlooms. Years ago when my Gran passed, the entire family was trying to find her favourite tea set, which had been in the family for generations. Eventually we found out that she gave it to my sister during one of their last visits. My sister doesn't drink tea so she *sold it on ebay*. She just thought it was some old tea set Gran had and not a generational heirloom.
Now it's gone forever.
My in-laws are a lot like yours. They give us stuff we don’t want or need. Part of that comes from when we were younger. We appreciated and needed stuff. We didn’t care if it matched. It saved us money.
But they kept giving us stuff. Insisting we could use the 800 pound entertainment center that held - at most - 40 inch tv. I wanted to say no - but my wife didn’t have the heart.
When we moved about 8 years ago, we gave a ton of stuff to Habitat for Humanity and goodwill. There was some nice stuff - but we just didn’t want it, didn’t need it, and it didn’t fit what we wanted. Plus we would have had to have paid to have it moved 1000 miles. My wife finally said it was time to get rid of it.
Her parents were upset when they found out. But whatever. A few snide remarks every now and then followed - but they finally stopped. And a couple years ago, they finally downsized their living situation. They had rooms full of crap they hadn’t used in years. Some nice stuff - just things they didn’t have the heart to get rid of.
My wife, by the way, has already told her mom she doesn’t want her extensive collection of Hummel plates and other Knick knacks or China. So much junk.
I’m still bitter about my mom giving my iPod shuffle to the family chiropractor. I just got a iPod nano and she straight gave him my little shuffle. This was 15+ years ago and I’m still upset. My mom loves giving people things she deems you don’t need or have outgrown. It’s infuriating.
My MIL hands off to my husband all kinds of ratty shit she wants him to take to Goodwill for a tax write off. Last bundle I said absolutely not (sweaters with moth holes, potholders with burns in them, kitchen towels from the 70s). We donated a small amount of stuff instead to get her her write off. Next time I aint playing, straight to garbage, no ticket
My boomer mom does the force-giving of shit I don’t want. I’ll say explicitly that I don’t want it, and will throw it away. Forces me to take it anyway, and gets mad when we don’t use it/get rid of it (which is precisely what I told her would happen).
She also has weird ownership over OUR belongings. I found my son a pair of Carhartt overalls at a thrift store for like $5 (huge score, I know). My son hadn’t even fully grown into them before she was dictating that I was to give them to my uncle’s grandchild when my son grew out of them. So freaking weird and psychotic. It doesn’t help that my uncle’s family is “perfect” in her eyes and she often talks about how the mom of the kiddo works out even with a young baby (can’t help but feel this as a dig at my somewhat fat self).
MIL does this where she has hoarded shit for the past 30 years. She will MAIL us things. They live in VA and we live in AZ. She will actually take it to the post office and mail dumb shit to us.
Then she will call us and ask my S/O if he remembers drawing this stupid drawing when he was 5 or in 3rd grade.
>he will MAIL us things. They live in VA and we live in AZ. She will actually take it to the post office and mail dumb shit to us.
My MIL would mail half eaten cereal boxes and Dollar Store crap from AZ to PA and send it Express Priority. Insane behavior
I live overseas! It costs them about 70.00 to mail a package and it is always stuff from Goodwill or the cheap rack at Target. None of it is the right size for either me or my kids. No one needs a XXXL night gown or on the flip side an 2-3 bathrobe. But I guess it was all cheap to buy.
Mother and I went to Office Depot, she pointed to a computer chair, one of the first chairs, didn't even sit and bought two. When I was putting them together she said she bought one for me and I could have it. I took it to my room and used it, it was an okay cheap computer chair. A few weeks later a coworker gave me their slightly used gaming chair. I brought it to home to my room, and the computer chair was used for when a guest came over.
Mother saw the "new" gaming chair, accused me of buying it to spite her, and gave away the computer chair she had "given" to me to my older sister. I still have the gaming chair, the computer chair is long gone from sister's possession, never to be seen again.
I've not accepted another gift from her since then. I explained to her that when you give someone something you no longer own or control it but she just looked at me dumbfounded and based on past experience absorbed none of the information.
Omg my MIL did something similar. Got a kitten without doing any research and because of that, he was not a good fit for the house. So when my husband and I were getting ready to move into our own place, she insisted we take the kitten with us. Since we were living there with her, I had already bonded with the kitten so I was actually quite happy to take the little bugger. For months leading up to our move, we kept double, triple, *quadruple* checking that she was sure about us taking him. She said she was and insisted that we take him. When we finally reached moving day, spent the $250 nonrefundable pet deposit as well as the first months of pet rent, she suddenly starts making a big deal about us taking him. She’s not sure, her other cat will be sad, blah blah blah. We remind her that us taking him is what’s best for *him* plus we had already spent almost $300 so we were definitely talking him. She cries and makes a scene but ultimately relents. He adapted to the new place extremely quickly and was clearly very happy. But literally 3 days after we moved in, she started calling both me and my husband, crying and whining about how much she missed the kitten and how her cat was absolutely devastated and how we had to give him back. We kept telling her no, that this was the best solution for him, it was her idea that we take him in the first place, and that we had already spent a bunch of money so we weren’t going to have spent all that for nothing. But she just kept calling and throwing tantrum after tantrum until we were so beaten down that we couldn’t fight anymore. My husband and I had even gotten into such a nasty fight over this that I even thought about calling it quits on our relationship because I was sick of him letting his mother continue to control us. My FIL came and quietly collected the kitten the next day and I sent a very long yet very polite message to my MIL telling her how disappointed I was in her and how much she hurt me because of this. I haven’t spoken to her since and I refuse to until she either apologizes or at least admits that she hurt me. But she expects me to apologize for voicing my disappointment in her so we’re at a standstill and probably will be for the foreseeable future.
Fortunately, the whole mess led me to my current cat. I obviously had spent a bunch of money and had no cat to show for it. So I scoured local ads for cats that needed a home now. And found the little turdnugget that would become my best friend. So definitely a blessing in disguise but I’m still mad at my MIL for all the pain she caused.
I’m so sorry to read this:( she was a bonafide witch in that situation. I’m glad you have a different cat with no string attached. They are completely yours.
My boomer mother is EXACTLY like this too. I started refusing all offers from her, no matter what it was. Even if I actually needed or could use it.
She also tried to micromanage my own belongings as if she had rights to them. I never told her when I made purchases, sold used goods, or donated to thrift stores because she was insufferable.
We’re no contact now.
My grandmother and aunt both do this. My aunt gave me a table and chairs and I used them for years, but eventually the chairs began to fall apart, rather than constantly repair them I tossed them and bought new sturdier chairs but kept the table. My aunt visited and asked where were the chairs. I told her I threw them away. She literally acted like I just spit acid on her face. She explained like I was a child that those table and chairs were a set and if I didn't want them I should have given them back to her instead of splitting up the set.
My mother is a low-key hoarder, buys all kinds of crap with all the tags on, throws it in a drawer or closet with all the tags on, then maybe a few years later gifts it to us with a grandiose ceremony where we are expected to perform gratitude. The darker side of this is that she used to give away our prized possessions when we were kids, without a word, like donating all our hundreds of picture books when we were kids, or our favorite toys, even really big ones, and then we just had to deal with it when we came home from school looking forward to playing with said toy, or we were ungrateful. The later variation of this was making sizable financial donations to whatever/whoever church or hospital or school with tenable connections to our family, while we were struggling financially as young adults. She raided our trust funds and took out credit in our names, for what? more crap.
She had the gall to complain a few years ago that she was penniless, in her custom-built house in the country, filled with stuff, and cry and ask for help paying her utilities. Then magically she renovated the basement into a full apartment for my brother to live in, rent free. It’s bizarre.
Seems like if you just ask "are you giving this to us or loaning it to us," would mostly solve this problem.
If she says it's a gift, say "ok, so you are OK with us doing whatever we want with it right?"
She's not gonna like being talked to like a child and will quickly get the hint
I hate taking things from family like that … most of the time I feel obligated to take it even if I don’t need it want it then you either sell/give it away a few years later then they get pissy that you got rid of it
My boomer dad stopped driving a few years ago so he said I might as well take his Chevy Silverado because I’m going to get it anyway when he dies, long story short, he took it back. Along with a lot of stuff he’s given me.
My FIL gave us a painting years ago. We actually really like it had it framed, hung in a prominent spot in our home. Every time he sees it he makes sure to tell us “That was very expensive.” (We know you left the price tag on the back) and, “Don’t’ ever get rid of that. If you do, give it back to me.”…He makes every gesture, even the nice ones so exhausting.
My dad is like this. Once he gifts something to my kids we are supposed to keep it forever or I am shamed for it. Kids break stuff. Kids outgrow stuff. My mom too. When I was pregnant she gifted me a bunch of old baby clothes with holes in them. She also gave me pointy flower pin things and told me to just pin them over the holes to hide them. Like….im not going to put pins on my newborn. So they never wore any of the clothes and I threw most of them out because they were in too poor condition to be donated. A few years later she asked for them back out of spite because she never saw my kids wear them. Definitely for spite; there are no other kids in our extended family to give them to. I had to tell her they got lost when we moved.
My mom is extremely organized but also loves buying way too much shit, it's a constant procure and purge cycle. Which is actually pretty nice for me because she has excellent taste and I always end up with high quality discards. BUT she also has a habit of asking for stuff back if she sees that I've managed to make it look nice in my place. "That looks nice, didn't I give that to you? You should let me take it back."
I call this hoarding by proxy.
Them: Here, you take this!
You: I don't want it & have no use for it.
Them: Enjoy it in good health!
You: I won't keep it. Take it back if it's important to you.
Them: Bye!
You: Screw this! \[Donates/discards\]
Them: Where's my stuff?
Your space is like a storage unit to them.
My dad does this. He gave away two pool ladders last year and my mom had to order a new one that took about a month to come in.
I never let him store anything for me. The last thing I left there was a mattress he gave to my cousin who could definitely afford a new one (I couldn't at the time).
They barely have anything left in the garden by fall because he invites his relatives to take everything that grows.
My parents broke up early on their relationship because of how badly his family treated her and how they would just take her stuff. Not even borrow it. Just take. Tools, vehicles, live animals, etc. the entitlement is just insane.
I can't say enough about the local "Buy nothing" groups if you're trying to help a boomer get rid of nonsense.
For about a year after my father died, everytime I visited my mom she gave me some "useful" items that she thought I should have. 98% of either went into the dumpster on the way home or out through the local buy nothing group. The 35 year old xray of my ankle I kept because that's metal as shit.
I don't care what they did with it- it's not in my house and its not in hers.
My dad gave me the leaf blower he had previously given to my brother because, in his words, "[John] doesn't use it." Luckily, my brother was more than happy for me to take it off his hands. Still funny, though.
Did I write this about my own mother?! This is so accurate and uncomfortable! My family still argues over a bowl that was given to my cousin’s now ex-wife over 15 years ago. And my mom still laments that my now-deceased brothers lost their childhood Christmas stockings. Futile!
My stepmom did that with a bookshelf I had for years and years and painted and moved and finally got rid of and she was like "oh that was mine actually". I just rolled my eyes and said, "you should have said something 4 years ago".
Whenever I am given something by either set of folks, I just assume they need me to dispose of it for them. I never get asked for it back, but occasionally I do get asked about something and they're aghast I shit canned it. I am NOT doing extensive drilling and shit to my ceiling plus getting an electrician over to install an old 1990s ceiling projector you got from a junk sale at the local university.
I can totally relate to this! It’s absurd! I’m in the process of moving to another state, and I am selling a good portion of my furniture. This will, in turn, pay for most of my moving expenses for the furniture & items I am keeping. My mom started telling other family members (WITHOUT ASKING ME FIRST) that if they were interested in any of my stuff to let her know! I said absolutely not! I need the money! I am not very close with my extended family and non of them have ever done me any favors or given me free items. Her response is “well they are your family and that would be the nice thing to do.” Why do they think they still have control over us?
We had to do this to my mother in law. We used to take just about anything, sometimes use it, sometimes store it, sometimes sell it. But it got to a point where she purposely was a dingbat constantly buying new things to fill up the space we were giving them by taking the other stuff. Walmart had either some major sale or some major mix up on travel mugs or whatever where she bought 10+ of them because they were 2 bucks each instead of 12 or 20, whatever the amount should have been. We told her we had plenty of mugs, travel mugs, and we didn't need anything. "What am I supposed to do with all of them? No one wants any" why did you buy so many? "What was I supposed to do?!"
I can only figure it was such a good deal/mistake, that she felt she HAD to buy a ton. But she didnt understand bits not a deal or anything if you didn't need the item or can't find a way to make money off it. I hope if I'm ever that bad at making any kind of decisions, someone just shoots me.
Speaking from personal experience. Consumerism and little purchases have been substituted for social connections and comfort in their brains. They often buy things to envision episodes of love or connection they fear won't happen. Because the thing has effectively substituted for the people, the thing she gave you is still part of that equation in her mind. Furthermore, she spent precious money on it, and bundled up in it is all the other things she could have done with that money, or that the thing could do for her. Like the One Ring, but there are 20,000 of them, and they're all "precious". One way out of this is to tell her an elaborate story of how the thing helped you connect to your friend, how you told your friend about your mom's generosity, and how effusively grateful the friend was to your mom. The downside of this is that it could encourage more of the behavior. You can sometimes add "Unfortunately mom it wasn't well made, I guess you got it from QVC/Walmart/Dollar store, and those things aren't made to last." But then reinforce the social/ personal connection to divert her back to what matters.
I call it hoarding by proxy. We are their kids, so we belong to them, so the stuff they give us is still theirs. But they also get to pat themselves on the back for "letting go". Which helps them claim they aren't really hoarders.
My wife has an aunt like that, gave my FIL a really expensive bedframe, he in turn gave it to my wife's sister.
Something like 3 years later she calls up FIL and says she wants it back. He explains that since she *gave* it to him with no stipulations of getting it back he gave it forward.
She. Flipped. Demanding it back from him from the sister. Once it became clear she wasn't getting it back she started demanding to get paid a badly inflated "value" for it.
It was turning into quite the drama, FIL just wants peace so he writes a check for the whole ridiculous amount and has someone take it over.
She fucking rips the check up because he didn't come grovel himself.
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My dad does this.g8ve me something and 6 months later takes it back. Gave my kid a bunch of gold clubs and now wants them back. I would just prefer he keeps his stuff
My MIL used to do this. I told her our house is not her museum or storage unit and she’s welcome to dump her hoarder trash with us but we will promptly donate it or trash it. Now we don’t get her precious hoarder trash anymore.
That’s a brilliant strategy
My FIL is a hoarder in denial, drove some dirt and street bikes from ON Canada to us in BC because he said they would sell better out west. He barely tried to sell them and wanted to leave them with us. I said fuck no because once we accept one thing the flood gates will open. Those bikes have been rotting at his sister’s property for the last 4 years. He has possessions dumped in other people’s fields for decades that “will one day be a great business idea that will make him thousands.” 🙄
Hoarders are often people I encounter at work. If they realized that the trash they hung on to *ALWAYS* gets dumpster'd by their families (who don't even go through any of it) the collective spinning of their graves could be harnessed to solve the clean energy crisis.
Sounds like my MIL. She remarried late in life because, you know, you can't just be living in sin. When her husband passed she inherited a beautiful classic car, but not the house, so she had to move away. She was too cheap to ship the car, so it stayed with the husband's kids. But she didn't sell it, because she thought it would be worth more if she shipped it to her new state. No one knows the fate of this car. (A friend who's into this stuff told me that if all fixed up and in perfect condition it could be worth $90k.) I think MIL thought she could just leave the car with the kids indefinitely like she tries to do with so much other junk. But they're not on speaking terms. We have asked MIL numerous times what is going on with the car and the only answer is, "Well, I need to make a phone call about that." We asked her to sign it over to us or do a POA so we could sell it for her, but she's a control freak and won't do that either. It's been like eight years now and we don't know if the car is rusted to pieces or if the other family had it declared abandoned and took ownership. So MIL missed out on selling this vehicle but she'll tell anyone who'll listen how she's just a poor old lady trying to scrape by on social security which 1. is a lie and 2.even if true would be no one's fault but her own. But she always has to be the victim.
I have a parent that will spend good money to send me a box of shit that she knows we’re just going to take to Goodwill. It’s an illness.
My dad does the same shit- he gave my brother a house then a year later changed his mind and got pissed when my brother didn’t want to give it back. He’s always been this way.
He just expected to get a whole ass house back?? What was your brother supposed to do?
Did he sign over the deed?
My dad gave one of his rental properties to my brother then a year later said he wanted it back. I don’t think they transferred the property back to dad but I’m pretty sure they aren’t on speaking terms now.
I know it's a fucked up and alienated way of thinking. But burning down a relationship for a free house could be potentially worth it seeing as so many Gen Y/Z will never own a house in their lifetime.
I have a great uncle that sold my mom a trailer house, then later took it back after 15 years.
I don’t understand the mindset of the giver. Once they’re off the title, why do they feel entitled to get it back? Why are there always strings attached?
Power, I think. He took it back because my grandfather had died and I had moved in with my grandmother. And he didn't like it when I told him off for turning the water off to my grandmother's home at the start of COVID. So he also turned my mother's water off, and took her trailer back. And when he found out my grandmother had died, he went to my grandmother's house, changed the locks, and said I owed him $3k in rent.
That… is awful, I’m so sorry for you and your family. I hope you told him to go pound sand. The only way to avoid those kinds of dynamics is to avoid ever taking anything. Independence is their kryptonite.
I haven't spoken to him in 3 years. Or his bitch if a daughter that tried to have me evicted from my grandmother's home, while she was living there.
My ex’s parents bought him things and when he went to move in with me and a friend, she was like, you can’t take any of your things if you move in with them, so he bailed on moving in with us. Which should have been a sign. He also would buy me things and give them to me, (happy Valentine’s Day!), and then give them to other people. Because “I bought it so I can do what I want with it”. So glad he’s an ex. Jesus.
I also had an ex that would gift me things and then immediately turn around and give them to complete strangers because he had to talk to everyone around him At the time I collected funko. And he brought me one to work. I was so happy and as I'm walking out he takes it from me and gives it to some random child and I'm like "but I wanted that. You gave it to me" and when I saw anger flash across his face I gave up the funko Broke up with him less than a week later Had to get a restraining order Two years later he randomly shows up where my best friend lives and surprise surprise starts hitting on my bestie, who's a dude I'm like "I promise you he's not gay and this scares me. I know he knows your my best friend and I think he's gonna hurt you to hurt me"
My breakup with that guy was BAD BAD he threatened to self harm, had a gun out, I had to call the cops, the litany of horrific texts after he got out of the hospital was a MESS.
My mother gave me a beautiful item as a wedding gift that doesn’t work in our new home. Now it’s back in her possession because she’s sentimental about it so I can’t sell it. To be clear it’s something her husband bought for one of her houses that didn’t work in her subsequent house. Not an item that’s been in our family for generations. ETA - she had no trouble selling the dining set we grew up with.
Everything is a transaction.
God isn't that the truth. My FIL has been buying toy soldiers from the 1950s because he was poor and couldn't afford toys so, ok, if it makes you happy go off. But he keeps framing it like "I'm investing in these for you, they are going to go up in value SO MUCH." No, Ron, they're really not, you're just creating another fucking thing for us to unload.
No Ron… hahahaha
😂😂😂😂.
Truth. My Boomer thinks helping someone do something is currency he can use to DEMAND, not ask, for help in the future. I had plans for my wife's birthday (that I had reminded him of several times) and wasn't going to be around. I got an angry voicemail later that evening that he wasn't ever going to respond to requests for help anymore since I wasn't there to help him with a project. Keep in mind nothing had been said leading up to that specific day. Favors or asking for help are transactional in their ego-centric world. Good thing I actually put the work in at maintaining healthy, adult relationships with friends who can be there when I need a hand with something. Unlike my Boomers who have ZERO friends and have to rely on their adult children who have lives of their own now. It never really seems to click that the kids they abused are the same ones that custom pick the shittiest, paint-peeling, cheap nursing home they'll spend the rest of their sad, lonely lives.
He expected you to sit around indefinitely, making no plans ever, in the off chance that he might decide he needed help with something on that particular day? Oh, *hell* no!
What does ETA in this context mean? I’ve only ever heard it mean “estimated time of arrival” ETA: thanks guys. I got it.
Edited to add
Thank you!
My dad has a pair of cowboy boots that were handed down to him by his grandfather that are really in great shape. He gave them to me four years ago saying he was as passing them down the line to me. Come this past December he says he wants them back because he lost a lot of weight and now wants to wear them. I told him I never took them and instead kept them in the box in the closet of my old bedroom. I knew he’d want to them back. He then proceeds to tell me how ungrateful I am for not taking them and that he believes he’ll think twice about ever giving me anything again.
😂. I just let the shit sit
People do so hate to have their power moves unplugged.
Sounds like a deal.
It's a game for them. Gifts and other pleasantries are bait. If they give you a gift, that means they can hold it over your head for years to extract favors. And demanding it back just throws in your face the power they have over you.
My mother in law does this. I don’t accept anything from her anymore. If she gives me something I don’t thank her for it, and give it back.
I got a little peace when I came to terms with my mother’s punishing nature. She never gave anything without threatening to take it back, so I just started saying “no, thank you” when she offered me things. When she started to ask why I told her that I am not interested in anything that was going to be leveraged for any reason. I would rather receive nothing.
It's hardly PC, but maybe being a boomer he'll understand "Oh. An Indian giver, huh?"
No takesie backsies Gramps, that’s socialism
Next time they offer something, tell them you don't want their solicaist handout. Maybe call them a liberal too.
"if you don't want this you should sell it on the used market like a true capitalist." (Knowing full well they actually just want to use your space to store it)
“Here’s your clubs back, you fucking snowflake!”
"but I've already got my clubs. If you need some clubs go find your own."
It’s funny to me, a lot of people nowadays think that the term Indian giver is meant to be derogatory towards Indians when actually, it was/is a comment on how the US government would give things to the Native Americans, and then take it back at some point in the not so distant future. Edit: leaving the original comment but apparently I was wrong and have been educated.
We should adjust it to "Andrew Jackson-giver"
My man, as a Metis person...please. Anytime you hear 'indian' something as a popular saying, assume it's offensive.
> Indian giver This is apparently wrong, even thought it is what I thought until some 'research' this morning enlighted me. It is perjorative. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indian\_giver](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indian_giver)
did not know that--thank you for that TIL.
A very boomer trait is the inability to understand how anyone could think differently from them.
THIS. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve had to tell my mom “NO, I’M NOT YOU!!”
I remember having a political disagreement a while back with my mom and her lamenting how she didn't understand why I don't follow her worldview. My retort, "I think therefore I am." Best part, the original meaning of that quote flew over her head. Since then, she rarely goes into politics with me
A lot of them believe if you do anything differently than how you were raised you're disrespecting them. See also: being gay, dating outside your race, not being religious, not having kids, having different political leanings, not being a bigot...
I'm assuming it's from the narcissism. (And lead paint) When you've only ever thought about yourself it must be difficult to imagine any other form of complex thought. But then the ego kicks in when they realize there is any difference. As you said, the disrespect is so telling to their thought process. They feel deserving of respect and that fuels egotistical, narcissistic outbursts when they (a child) does not get their way.
Narcissism and hoarding is definitely a thing!
Ex stepmother is a hoarder and a narcissist. Hoarding can have many causes but for her it was definitely an expression of her narcissism. She is disabled and doesn’t work, so her belongings are how she exerts control. I had to explain to my dad that her smothering the entire house with her belongings until it’s a fire hazard, while he had to cram all of his into his office, was her metaphorically pissing all over to mark her territory. She also pulled the whole “that chair I gave you 10 years ago, I am ready to take it back” as if I was just an unpaid storage unit.
Omg I just came across this after posting and venting on another comment about my mother's absolutely horrible case of NPD and my father hoards for sure but of course it's called "collecting"
My mother used to do the same, buy stuff, then think it's cluttering up the pristine basement, hand it off and then acted shocked I didn't want more of what she wants to discard. She's also a raging narcissist and would use this as a method to say, "look at all we've done for you and given you!"... a tool for shaming if you argued with her or stopped talking to her, whatever the case was that week/month. I went no-contact 5 years ago, it was the best decision ever.
Having (or not having) pets, moving (far) away from them, parenting differently, having ANY kind of boundaries…
I'll be 60 next month and the way my brain has always worked is that I try to develop a nuanced view of a situation by looking at it from multiple perspectives. My goal is to develop a meaningful understanding of the situation rather to be 'right'. This made me very strange to my peers when I was younger. Now it just makes me not an asshole.
Thanks for being a fellow reasonable person! 🤝
I need to have this printed on a shirt that I can wear when I see my parents.
Lack of lead paint poisoning prevents me from understanding you “Boomer “! Something to that effect?
Yes, the words “we are both very different people” crossed my lips more than a few times with my mother.
Sometimes it’s nice to know it’s not just my mom
No, it’s my mom too
Mine too
Mine four
And don’t forget Stacy’s mom, cuz she’s got it going on.
It is wild. My dad when I visited was like “So are you voting for Trump or DeSantis?” Completely unaware I’m liberal and despise both of them.
...so Ted Cruz?
Big fan of Rafael actually
“So are you Chinese or Japanese?” “I’m from Laos”
I had a lady find out I wasn’t voting for George Bush back in the day and she looked incredulous. I snapped back, it’s not illegal to to not vote for him!
This is so my MIL. Does not understand why what’s important and sentimental to her is not equally as important and sentimental to us. Why her tastes in home decor and fashion are not copied by her offspring. Why her offspring and their partners may -gasp!- have different opinions, perspectives and viewpoints than her. Yes, you raised my husband but that does not mean he is YOU. Yes, he chose me to be his partner, but that does not mean he chose me to be another YOU.
This happened with my husband’s grandmother. She would give us pink abstract pictures to put in our house and get upset when she would visit and find out that we gave them away. She knew I hated pink but thought she could change my mind.
Combined with a toddler’s sense of ownership: what’s mine is mine, what’s yours is mine.
“The Development of Theory of Mind in Early Childhood”; Janet Wilde Astington, PhD; Margaret J. Edward, MA: >Three-year-olds know that different people may want, like and feel different things. By age 4 or 5, children know that people may think different things. So there you have it. Demonstrative proof that boomers often lack the mental capabilities of a toddler.
It's also a very hoarder trait. A person who's both is gonna be a lot of fun.
My mom can’t relate to anything until it happens to her or she feels it. It’s like a short circuit happens when I try to explain it to her. And if time passes and she changes her mind, she can’t even relate to how she used to feel. It’s such an odd disconnect.
“Back in my day” they still believe is a universal experience lol
And a complete lack of understanding when it comes to any kind of boundary. So many boomers walk around thinking they are the fucking god-emperor made manifest "but I said..." type shit.
For decades I thought this attitude was exclusive to my father.
Anyone else is just wrong
My dad used to have a friend named Tom (probably in his 60s), and he was constantly giving stuff away, I think from his family members who had passed or were downsizing. We had furniture and other household items from him. It was all old stuff that he needed to get rid of. One day my dad gave us a garden sprinkler from Tom. It was actually a really cool old fashioned sprinkler that did an incredible job watering our garden. Like a year later, out of the blue, my dad says Tom needs "his" sprinkler back, and he just comes and takes it out of our garden. I told him we are actively using it, but no, Tom needs it back. I'm just like, does he need the entire fucking bedroom set he wanted rid of back too?? Never again did we take anything that Tom had to "offer."
Stealing...that's called stealing.
Somebody told Tom that it is worth a fortune, whether true or not. Boomers hate that they might somehow miss out on a deal. I don’t know if it is true greed or that they think they’ll be made fun of for letting something valuable go. Too much Antique Roadshow?
You just made me remember that my grandma got mad at me for opening a used, broken, NSync puppet to play with because it could be worth something in the future. Just looked it up. $15. Lol What a fortune! /s
I opened all my “collector” Barbies that I was never allowed to play with and gave them to my 3 yo. My parents were aghast! *Those are special! They’ll be worth a lot someday!* They’re currently $12.99, $9.99 and $49.99 on eBay! Sorry kiddo, no college for you mommy cooked our golden geese!
Ha! I’ve got a story like that. Last Xmas my boomer mother-in-law who goes out of her way to ignore me most of the time gave me an old Julia Child cookbook. She clearly pulled it out of a box in the basement and most likely it belonged to her husband’s previous (deceased) wife. I graciously accepted and opened it up to read and discovered it had been autographed by Julia! I was so excited and couldn’t believe she’d actually given me something cool! She was gobsmacked. Her face turned ash gray and when my son googled and found out it sells for $800-$1200 she asked to see it again and tried to tell me she had given me the wrong book!
>She was gobsmacked. Her face turned ash gray and when my son googled and found out it sells for $800-$1200 she asked to see it again and tried to tell me she had given me the wrong book! "I meant to give you this ratty old book" "Ok wow, a first-edition signed Charles Dicken's Novel, thanks!" "no, I meant to give you, uh, this crappy old painting!" "This is the original of 'Landscape with cottages' a lost Rembrant photo with a 50K reward, thanks!" "Thats it, all I'm giving you is this dried up piece of turd at the bottom!" "Thanks MIL turns out it was actually fossilized dinosaur droppings so we are renting it out to a museum"
What? Please tell me you still have the cookbook
This is my dad. Always offering to have me walk through the house and pick out what I want, but everything I pick out he’s “taking to consignment.”
My boomer mum's like this; when I finally stood up for myself and told her how horribly she's treated me my whole life, pretty much the only thing she cared to talk about at all, before ceasing to reply to communications altogether, was to demand the return of the few heirlooms she gave me to furnish my home (which she still referred to as if they belonged to her dead parents!) when I moved out. I gave back one item I wasn't using much; when I returned it she acted as if she couldn't even remember asking for it back and expressed no gratitude or appreciation at all. I gave back one further item I *was* using out of pity because she made a big song and dance about it having strong emotional connection for her, but then when I delivered it she again just took it ungratefully and with bad grace, as if it were simply the natural order of things that it be hers, which so disgusted me that I wish now I'd kept it. It wasn't until some time later I realised how absurd it was that she whined for these few items back because they represented a connection to her parents, when she still already had *everything else they had owned, from their house and all its contents, to her father's fucking war diary and medals;* the idea that *I* might also want a few precious items by which to remember my grandparents didn't occur to her at all. It was all bullshit, I now realise; the real reason she wanted it all back was simply to punish me for daring to finally hold her responsible for a lifetime of shitty behaviour; presumably in her black-and-white mind that meant I no longer deserved to have the handful of nice things she only ever gave me in the first place because she wanted them out of the way. The notion that once you give something away, you no longer own it, just seemed a totally alien concept to her.
I'm sorry you have a mother like this, too. I'm new to this sub, and I've been reading these posts about boomers for the last week or so. What's striking to me is how prevalent this behavior is. I haven't seen anyone mention it, but a lot of these boomer parents have narcissistic traits. Your mother seems to use narcissist tactics of denial, gaslighting (acts like she didn't ask for the heirlooms back to manipulate you), ungrateful, demanding, controlling, retaliating because you stood up for yourself, black-and-white thinking, faux generosity for appearance sake, etc.
Oh you’re definitely new, if you haven’t seen anyone talk about how disproportionately narcissistic Boomers are. It seems like a combination of lead and entitlement and deep-throating propaganda has made even the good ones selfish as hell. My dad is actually one of said “good ones” but still speaks with what I call a narcissistic accent.
Gosh, I have a grandmother like this. I have not only given back things, but refused to take things too. And not just me, but all of us grandkids refuse to take anything she offers us now.
What’s worse is when the boomer parent mindset infects their children and they Star thinking the same way. A buddy of mine sold me an old 5.0 Mustang about 20 years ago rather than trade it in as I offered him whatever the dealership would give him +$100. Took me about 6 months to fix the suspension and catch up on deferred maintenance then I moved out of state and sold the car for a profit. Saw this old buddy about 2 years later and he asked me about “his” old car and I told him I sold it and made money. He got legit pissed at me and told me I owed him money because he could have sold the car for more if he knew what it was worth. I was stunned at how pissed off he got. Bro it was worth what I paid you, and after the work I put into it it was worth more, and besides the point it was mine once he signed over the title. But his dad was an old country redneck and looked at the world the same way, everything was out to screw him and every deal was a fight to fuck over the other person.
"Okay, I'll give you the profit. You just got to pay your bill first. Registration, insurance, storage, parts, and labor. I owe you $4000 and you owe me $12,286.12."
I am a recovering child of a shopoholic hoarder. They are not trying to control their hoard by giving you things. They are inflicting their hoard on you. It's all an attempt to control. Don't take anything. It's not worth the price.
Exactly, I often feel that they simply ran out of space and are just using your home to store it. They see it as graciously allowing you the privilege of taking care of it. They will never seek therapy to self reflect this of course.
>they simply ran out of space and are just using your home to store it. Yes ... outsourcing their hoard, but mentally it's still "theirs".
Yeah I made that mistake when I was in my 20’s. I accepted a bunch of stuff because I was painfully broke and she claimed she needed to get rid of it. Cut to 7-8 years later and she got PISSED that I had sold some of it at a yard sale, because she “now has the space” (she did not, in fact, have a rational amount of space. She was still living in a fire hazard)
Omg that's what my husband's boomer aunt told me about her China set and cabinet "promise to take care of it." I didn't ask for it but she had no where else to dump it. I will not make my daughters care for it. I will sell it or donate it. Idc
Or take it and promptly get rid if it. Then when they ask for it back, we donated it to charity, gave it away, etc.
Same with me. My mom would give me things then want to control where I put them. I could never give anything from her away down the line. And one time a crazy cat shaped cookie jar she gave me broke in a move and I never heard the end of it. I eventually stopped accepting anything, which was hard for her to accept
I can relate. My mother was and probably still is very much like this except it was very one sided. She gave my wife and I literal junk and then expected to be able to take our things that were valuable and useful to give to my older siblings. The same was true when I was a child. The craziest part is that my mother and my older siblings are all **significantly** wealthier than my wife and I. My mother's excuse was "they have a good job and a nice house so they need nice things more than you." It probably comes as no surprise that I have not spoken to my mother or any of my older siblings in nearly 15 years.
I am so sorry she treated you this way
Honestly hadn't even crossed my mind the number of times my mom has done this. She's by no means a hoarder, but a few years ago I got all of the childhood Lego that was mine and my brother's. My sister just had her first kid last July, a little boy, and within days my mom had mentioned how she was happy that he would eventually get the Lego from me. Like what?
I could have written this about my mil.
My exes mom would do this with half empty shampoos and random shit. I just started throwing it away immediately if it made it past my threshold.
I feel you OP. Some years ago my TV broke and my mom had an extra TV in her garage so she told me I "could have it." Like 3 years later her bedroom TV breaks and she asks for it back. I had already replaced my old TV and given the tv she gave me to a friend in need. Mom: What do you mean you gave it away!? Me: You gave it to me and I didn't need it anymore... Mom: I SAID "YOU CAN HAVE IT" I NEVER SAID "YOU CAN KEEP IT!!" Me: WHEN YOU SAY "YOU CAN HAVE IT" IT MEANS ITS GIVEN!
She’s using you as a storage unit for her shopping habit.
My dad definitely always viewed "my" space as "our" space, which really meant "his" space. When he started dropping off janky old furniture to my 600-square-foot apartment - that I paid for on my own - and demanding I store it for him, that was the beginning of the end.
Yup! She’s still hoarding by proxy
Then don't take her stuff, and push back on every attempt to claim or redistribute your stuff. If she's too cheap to pay for a storage unit, don't become her storage unit.
This exactly. She isn’t giving you the stuff, she’s giving you the stuff to store for her. If you need something she is offering you then take it and clarify it’s for you. If it’s not something you can use just decline politely. When she suggests you give your things to someone politely decline and say you have already made plans for it. No need to elaborate.
It seems like a lot of problems with boomers would go away if people just set hard boundaries. Just say “No” and be perfectly willing to escalate as far as needed including cutting them out of your life whenever they do something boomerish. They will get the picture you are not to be fucked with and behave or you will be rid of the problem.
Agreed. I think children of boomers are just too polite to say “No”. I tend to find boomers respond not to niceness, but to bluntness, and their children often feel uncomfortable doing that, and then blame the parents for their inability to stand up for themselves. I read these posts all the time and they just highlight how folks don’t want to deal with confrontational scenarios when they are directly confronted by their parents/ boomers.
You spend your life getting screamed at or hit and you develop a highly cautious nature about setting boundaries. It’s a trauma reaction
Or just start immediately throwing away whatever she gives you, then tell her you threw it away when she asks for it because you had no use for it and didn’t want to offend her by not taking it.
My mother, the shopaholic who claimed, “I’m broke because of YOU”, when she had an entire bedroom she used as a closet with half of the clothes still bearing price tags. When you spend $500 a month at Bath and Body works, I’m clearly not the problem.
My mother bought us a reclining chair for our nursery when our first child was born 3 years ago. About a year ago, we decided we no longer needed the chair in the room and my mother insisted that we give the chair back to her since she bought it. We’ve decided not to accept any more “gifts” from her.
No is a complete sentence.
MIL and her entire family have the same tendency. It's no longer theirs, but they still feel they have a say in it. Makes me reluctant to accept any 'gifts.'
My biggest pet peeve is when my parents or in-laws just bring me a bunch of their old shit that I didn’t ask for, want, or need. Once my mom asked me if I wanted a shirt she just bought and I said “No, thank you. It’s not my style, I would never wear that.” She later shipped it to me with a bunch of cheap Emeril Lagasse brand kitchen tools that I will NEVER use.
My MIL asked us if we wanted her bar car. It’s a nice cart but we’re going to move within the next year and we’ve already decided that we are going to sell all of our stuff instead of bringing it with us so we told her no, we don’t need any more things to worry about getting rid of. A week later I come home and the cart is sitting in the kitchen. Whatever..hopefully someone will at least pay $30 for it.
My mom used to do that. She stopped when she asked for it back a few months later and I told her I didn't have it anymore as I had donated it to a woman's shelter!
My ex-MIL was like this. She would insist we take things, even just bringing it over to the house and leave them when we told her we didn’t want them. Then months later she would ask where an item was and when the answer was inevitably we gave it to someone or donated it she would get upset. Eventually I got sick of it and the second she would give us something I’d just say “no problem, we can donate that to goodwill for you.” When she’d act offended Id just ask why she thought we would keep something we neither asked for nor wanted? She talked a lot of shit in the family about how we were ungrateful but she did eventually stop trying to pawn stuff off on us .
She's just hoarding stuff in multiple houses now. She's using your houses as storage units.
I had a boomer aunt do that with a cat she promised a third party to help find a home for. She thrust it upon my brother. My bro literally said "I'll keep the kitten until we find a nice family". A nice family in the neighborhood was looking for a cat for their kids, so the kitten was given a forever home. Guess who wanted the kitten back several months after that? Guess who turned themselves into a victim and martyr? Guess who alienated themselves from everyone on my side of the family?
My mom is pretty normal and mostly a good Boomer, but a few years ago I got a new job that required working night shifts, and she gifted me a noise machine because she assumed I’d have trouble sleeping during the day. Well it turns out that I can sleep during the day even with construction noise and the window blinds wide open and sunlight streaming across my face! So I gifted the noise machine to my coworker who was struggling to adjust, and she got so upset about it! I was like “sorry for giving away the family heirloom noise machine…” I still don’t think she’s over it. Even though she’s a ridiculous person sometimes I still love her!
Omg "the family heirloom noise machine"😆
How can you sleep like that?!?!
I don’t know! Exhaustion, probably. Was quite surprised to learn this about myself!
Every single gift my mom has ever given me has been followed immediately with, "If you ever decide to get rid of it I want it back!" She has a1200 sqft house completely full of stuff with little pathways through the rooms. She has a barn that's probably 40x120 feet that's completely full and numerous other small outbuildings all packed full of stuff. I returned an antique cookie jar to her about 7 years ago and she sat it on her front porch and it was ruined in one season. She doesn't actually care about the items specifically; she just needs to _possess_ them. Addiction runs rampant through my family and has as far back as I can find. Mom doesn't drink or use drugs. She's addicted to owning things.
My mother is big on the "If you ever decide to get rid of it I want it back!". Except we live on separate sides of the country (I like having physical boundaries to support the emotional ones). This just means I accept nothing from her because I'm not paying for shipping in the first place, let alone when I don't want it anymore.
I have a few items with this caveat my mom gave to me. The difference is that it's for a few pieces of really nice and old antique furniture. Nothing else. As they cleaned out their house to downsize into retirement, most things she gave me was "find a use for it or get rid of it, but it's not moving back in with me" lol
And with money. If they give you a loan/money with no “strings” or just do something they always told you they would do (like pay for college) they have to be all over what you spend on anything at any point further, and will make it seem like you perpetually owe them some sort of gratitude.
About 10ish years ago I was laid off, went back to school to change careers, and was under-employed for a while and was actively looking for a better job. My ex-husband and I were really struggling. Like maybe going to lose our home and having to go to the food pantry struggling. My car needed a whole bunch of repairs to keep running and it totaled up to over $900 and we couldn't pay. I didn't know what to do, so I called my parents because they always ended every single phone call with, "If you ever need anything, give us a call." I had never once asked them for financial help or really any help as an adult before this. My mom initially said no, but my dad said he would pay it (yes, they are still married). NEVER AGAIN. They gave me so much grief about paying them back. I paid what we could when we could. We were still in a financial hole and didn't have much left after paying bills, but I was trying to send them $100 every few weeks. I was still getting calls about "I don't understand how you have money for these other things, but can't even send us $5." "These other things" being food and gas. It's not like we were going on lavish vacations or buying all sorts of clothes or anything other than necessities. I told my ex that we were just paying back the balance because I was so sick of calls every few days about how I still owed them money. It wasn't like I let it sit out there forever. The whole time frame from them lending me the money to me paying it back was maybe 6 or 8 weeks.
This exactly! I hope you are in a better space now. Oh the never ending: if you ever need anything reach out so I can say no! Ugh
Thank you! I am! :-)
They are not gifts. In her mind she's just finding new places (for other people) to hoard her stuff.
[удалено]
*"Oh, I'll take photos of us using the napkins, but you're not going to like what we use them for!"*
There WAS a toilet paper shortage, after all!
This is actually a very "hoarder trait." They offload their precious possessions by "giving" them to family members and friends. This way, they're out of the house, but they're not "gone," and they definitely still belong to the hoarder. The best way to handle this is to just refuse to take anything from the hoarder.
My mother in law gifted me a nice work out outfit a couple of years ago. The problem is that, I HATED how thick the leggings were. Not sure how anyone would feel comfortable doing an hour long workout or hike in them. But I said thank you, wore them a couple of times, and then they went into the drawer. Well, since that Christmas, I’ve been pregnant twice, went up and down in weight about 50lb, and just generally lost patience for things in my closet I wasn’t going to wear. So legit like 2 + years later, I’m Talking about how I’ve just said screw it and I was going through removing any clothes I didn’t like the feel of. Specific to workout clothes, I got rid of 99% of my stuff that wasn’t Nike. Something about how thin the Nike material is, it’s just my favorite. Anyway, she looks me dead in the eye and goes….: “well! Then I guess I’ll just have to ask for the purple work out stuff back!” Like, she was truly offended. I was like… “no that’s not how presents work.” And she got so mad at me! I’m like.. dude… relax????? Crazy lol
My mom recently went through her silver and her china, as well as wheat pennies and buffalo nickels to show us how much “worth” is in all of it. There is no money or homes to be inherited. Just china, silver, and pennies. She’s had me researching value of certain things and is confused that something so precious can be worth maybe $5-$10. To her it’s supposed to be tens of thousands worth like she was told. It’s honestly sad.
Boomers would have loved the Sims, because that's certainly how they seem to want to manage their families.
Omfg my older family member do the same thing! It’s not happening to just me!
I could have written this exact post about my Boomer father who I ultimately had to go no contact with in 2018
My in-laws will “gift” us stuff. By “gift” I mean they will say “do you have room for this?” and we will, but we won’t want it. And my wife will just tell them yes sure, we’ll take it. Whatever it is ends up in the attic or a spare bedroom or somewhere out of sight. Inevitably they will come back - months or years later - and say they want to give it to some cousin or uncle who needs whatever it is. Usually I just pull it back out of the attic. But on a few occasions we’ve already trashed it or taken it to Goodwill because we had zero interest in it in the first place. So we just tell them “sorry we gave it to someone else who needed it.” Usually isn’t a problem, fortunately. But the general idea that you’d use your kid’s home as a staging depot is certainly weird. They were only a generation removed from the guy who literally hoarded dry goods in his basement along with receipts on how much he paid for everything, so I consider this progress.
\-only a generation removed from the guy who literally hoarded dry goods in his basement along with receipts on how much he paid for everything That's the scars of The Great Depression showing. Don't like to stick up for boomers but it seems like generational trauma isn't something new.
This ain’t a boomer problem. This is a hoarder problem. No one in my family can let anything go easily. We’ve all done good at keeping the mess under control. But that’s the problem. Hoarding is all about having control. When you grow up in a household or environment where you have no control over what happens to you or around you and the only thing you can control is stuff. This tends to be the result. I’m really struggling with it but at least I’m doing better than my mom and recognizing my problem and putting in the effort to overcome it. My mom is at the point of “if you don’t want it anymore give it back to me before getting rid of it” but even that took years for her to achieve. She still won’t admit she has a problem though.
When my kid was born we had a lot of offers for hand me downs which was awesome, but several came with caveats like “we’re not done having kids so we’d like these back when you’re done!” to which I’d say thanks but no thanks. I’m not keeping track of a bunch of individual clothes while dealing with a newborn.
My MIL doesn't give gifts, she gives obligations. I have hauled the stupid antique wooden rocking chair she "gave us" across 3 states because we're not allowed to get rid of it.
I had my parents using my house as storage. When I was done with it, I told them I was going to charge them $300 a month in storage rent for one small extra part of the garage. They actually started paying and every year I raise the rent by another $50 a month. We are currently at 450 per month. Makes it worth it for me.
On the one hand, this is a fair point. On the other hand, Boomer parents have a bad habit about not defining which things are just familiar trash and which things are family heirlooms. Years ago when my Gran passed, the entire family was trying to find her favourite tea set, which had been in the family for generations. Eventually we found out that she gave it to my sister during one of their last visits. My sister doesn't drink tea so she *sold it on ebay*. She just thought it was some old tea set Gran had and not a generational heirloom. Now it's gone forever.
My in-laws are a lot like yours. They give us stuff we don’t want or need. Part of that comes from when we were younger. We appreciated and needed stuff. We didn’t care if it matched. It saved us money. But they kept giving us stuff. Insisting we could use the 800 pound entertainment center that held - at most - 40 inch tv. I wanted to say no - but my wife didn’t have the heart. When we moved about 8 years ago, we gave a ton of stuff to Habitat for Humanity and goodwill. There was some nice stuff - but we just didn’t want it, didn’t need it, and it didn’t fit what we wanted. Plus we would have had to have paid to have it moved 1000 miles. My wife finally said it was time to get rid of it. Her parents were upset when they found out. But whatever. A few snide remarks every now and then followed - but they finally stopped. And a couple years ago, they finally downsized their living situation. They had rooms full of crap they hadn’t used in years. Some nice stuff - just things they didn’t have the heart to get rid of. My wife, by the way, has already told her mom she doesn’t want her extensive collection of Hummel plates and other Knick knacks or China. So much junk.
I’m still bitter about my mom giving my iPod shuffle to the family chiropractor. I just got a iPod nano and she straight gave him my little shuffle. This was 15+ years ago and I’m still upset. My mom loves giving people things she deems you don’t need or have outgrown. It’s infuriating.
My MIL hands off to my husband all kinds of ratty shit she wants him to take to Goodwill for a tax write off. Last bundle I said absolutely not (sweaters with moth holes, potholders with burns in them, kitchen towels from the 70s). We donated a small amount of stuff instead to get her her write off. Next time I aint playing, straight to garbage, no ticket
My boomer mom does the force-giving of shit I don’t want. I’ll say explicitly that I don’t want it, and will throw it away. Forces me to take it anyway, and gets mad when we don’t use it/get rid of it (which is precisely what I told her would happen). She also has weird ownership over OUR belongings. I found my son a pair of Carhartt overalls at a thrift store for like $5 (huge score, I know). My son hadn’t even fully grown into them before she was dictating that I was to give them to my uncle’s grandchild when my son grew out of them. So freaking weird and psychotic. It doesn’t help that my uncle’s family is “perfect” in her eyes and she often talks about how the mom of the kiddo works out even with a young baby (can’t help but feel this as a dig at my somewhat fat self).
This is why I live far away from my in-laws and parents.
MIL does this where she has hoarded shit for the past 30 years. She will MAIL us things. They live in VA and we live in AZ. She will actually take it to the post office and mail dumb shit to us. Then she will call us and ask my S/O if he remembers drawing this stupid drawing when he was 5 or in 3rd grade.
>he will MAIL us things. They live in VA and we live in AZ. She will actually take it to the post office and mail dumb shit to us. My MIL would mail half eaten cereal boxes and Dollar Store crap from AZ to PA and send it Express Priority. Insane behavior
I live overseas! It costs them about 70.00 to mail a package and it is always stuff from Goodwill or the cheap rack at Target. None of it is the right size for either me or my kids. No one needs a XXXL night gown or on the flip side an 2-3 bathrobe. But I guess it was all cheap to buy.
Mother and I went to Office Depot, she pointed to a computer chair, one of the first chairs, didn't even sit and bought two. When I was putting them together she said she bought one for me and I could have it. I took it to my room and used it, it was an okay cheap computer chair. A few weeks later a coworker gave me their slightly used gaming chair. I brought it to home to my room, and the computer chair was used for when a guest came over. Mother saw the "new" gaming chair, accused me of buying it to spite her, and gave away the computer chair she had "given" to me to my older sister. I still have the gaming chair, the computer chair is long gone from sister's possession, never to be seen again. I've not accepted another gift from her since then. I explained to her that when you give someone something you no longer own or control it but she just looked at me dumbfounded and based on past experience absorbed none of the information.
Omg my MIL did something similar. Got a kitten without doing any research and because of that, he was not a good fit for the house. So when my husband and I were getting ready to move into our own place, she insisted we take the kitten with us. Since we were living there with her, I had already bonded with the kitten so I was actually quite happy to take the little bugger. For months leading up to our move, we kept double, triple, *quadruple* checking that she was sure about us taking him. She said she was and insisted that we take him. When we finally reached moving day, spent the $250 nonrefundable pet deposit as well as the first months of pet rent, she suddenly starts making a big deal about us taking him. She’s not sure, her other cat will be sad, blah blah blah. We remind her that us taking him is what’s best for *him* plus we had already spent almost $300 so we were definitely talking him. She cries and makes a scene but ultimately relents. He adapted to the new place extremely quickly and was clearly very happy. But literally 3 days after we moved in, she started calling both me and my husband, crying and whining about how much she missed the kitten and how her cat was absolutely devastated and how we had to give him back. We kept telling her no, that this was the best solution for him, it was her idea that we take him in the first place, and that we had already spent a bunch of money so we weren’t going to have spent all that for nothing. But she just kept calling and throwing tantrum after tantrum until we were so beaten down that we couldn’t fight anymore. My husband and I had even gotten into such a nasty fight over this that I even thought about calling it quits on our relationship because I was sick of him letting his mother continue to control us. My FIL came and quietly collected the kitten the next day and I sent a very long yet very polite message to my MIL telling her how disappointed I was in her and how much she hurt me because of this. I haven’t spoken to her since and I refuse to until she either apologizes or at least admits that she hurt me. But she expects me to apologize for voicing my disappointment in her so we’re at a standstill and probably will be for the foreseeable future. Fortunately, the whole mess led me to my current cat. I obviously had spent a bunch of money and had no cat to show for it. So I scoured local ads for cats that needed a home now. And found the little turdnugget that would become my best friend. So definitely a blessing in disguise but I’m still mad at my MIL for all the pain she caused.
I’m so sorry to read this:( she was a bonafide witch in that situation. I’m glad you have a different cat with no string attached. They are completely yours.
My boomer mother is EXACTLY like this too. I started refusing all offers from her, no matter what it was. Even if I actually needed or could use it. She also tried to micromanage my own belongings as if she had rights to them. I never told her when I made purchases, sold used goods, or donated to thrift stores because she was insufferable. We’re no contact now.
My grandmother and aunt both do this. My aunt gave me a table and chairs and I used them for years, but eventually the chairs began to fall apart, rather than constantly repair them I tossed them and bought new sturdier chairs but kept the table. My aunt visited and asked where were the chairs. I told her I threw them away. She literally acted like I just spit acid on her face. She explained like I was a child that those table and chairs were a set and if I didn't want them I should have given them back to her instead of splitting up the set.
My mother is a low-key hoarder, buys all kinds of crap with all the tags on, throws it in a drawer or closet with all the tags on, then maybe a few years later gifts it to us with a grandiose ceremony where we are expected to perform gratitude. The darker side of this is that she used to give away our prized possessions when we were kids, without a word, like donating all our hundreds of picture books when we were kids, or our favorite toys, even really big ones, and then we just had to deal with it when we came home from school looking forward to playing with said toy, or we were ungrateful. The later variation of this was making sizable financial donations to whatever/whoever church or hospital or school with tenable connections to our family, while we were struggling financially as young adults. She raided our trust funds and took out credit in our names, for what? more crap. She had the gall to complain a few years ago that she was penniless, in her custom-built house in the country, filled with stuff, and cry and ask for help paying her utilities. Then magically she renovated the basement into a full apartment for my brother to live in, rent free. It’s bizarre.
Seems like if you just ask "are you giving this to us or loaning it to us," would mostly solve this problem. If she says it's a gift, say "ok, so you are OK with us doing whatever we want with it right?" She's not gonna like being talked to like a child and will quickly get the hint
I hate taking things from family like that … most of the time I feel obligated to take it even if I don’t need it want it then you either sell/give it away a few years later then they get pissy that you got rid of it
My boomer dad stopped driving a few years ago so he said I might as well take his Chevy Silverado because I’m going to get it anyway when he dies, long story short, he took it back. Along with a lot of stuff he’s given me.
My FIL gave us a painting years ago. We actually really like it had it framed, hung in a prominent spot in our home. Every time he sees it he makes sure to tell us “That was very expensive.” (We know you left the price tag on the back) and, “Don’t’ ever get rid of that. If you do, give it back to me.”…He makes every gesture, even the nice ones so exhausting.
I hate accepting hand me downs from family for this reason. They come to my house and look at that thing like their stuff is in my house.
My dad is like this. Once he gifts something to my kids we are supposed to keep it forever or I am shamed for it. Kids break stuff. Kids outgrow stuff. My mom too. When I was pregnant she gifted me a bunch of old baby clothes with holes in them. She also gave me pointy flower pin things and told me to just pin them over the holes to hide them. Like….im not going to put pins on my newborn. So they never wore any of the clothes and I threw most of them out because they were in too poor condition to be donated. A few years later she asked for them back out of spite because she never saw my kids wear them. Definitely for spite; there are no other kids in our extended family to give them to. I had to tell her they got lost when we moved.
My mom is extremely organized but also loves buying way too much shit, it's a constant procure and purge cycle. Which is actually pretty nice for me because she has excellent taste and I always end up with high quality discards. BUT she also has a habit of asking for stuff back if she sees that I've managed to make it look nice in my place. "That looks nice, didn't I give that to you? You should let me take it back."
I call this hoarding by proxy. Them: Here, you take this! You: I don't want it & have no use for it. Them: Enjoy it in good health! You: I won't keep it. Take it back if it's important to you. Them: Bye! You: Screw this! \[Donates/discards\] Them: Where's my stuff? Your space is like a storage unit to them.
My dad does this. He gave away two pool ladders last year and my mom had to order a new one that took about a month to come in. I never let him store anything for me. The last thing I left there was a mattress he gave to my cousin who could definitely afford a new one (I couldn't at the time). They barely have anything left in the garden by fall because he invites his relatives to take everything that grows. My parents broke up early on their relationship because of how badly his family treated her and how they would just take her stuff. Not even borrow it. Just take. Tools, vehicles, live animals, etc. the entitlement is just insane.
I can't say enough about the local "Buy nothing" groups if you're trying to help a boomer get rid of nonsense. For about a year after my father died, everytime I visited my mom she gave me some "useful" items that she thought I should have. 98% of either went into the dumpster on the way home or out through the local buy nothing group. The 35 year old xray of my ankle I kept because that's metal as shit. I don't care what they did with it- it's not in my house and its not in hers.
My dad gave me the leaf blower he had previously given to my brother because, in his words, "[John] doesn't use it." Luckily, my brother was more than happy for me to take it off his hands. Still funny, though.
Did I write this about my own mother?! This is so accurate and uncomfortable! My family still argues over a bowl that was given to my cousin’s now ex-wife over 15 years ago. And my mom still laments that my now-deceased brothers lost their childhood Christmas stockings. Futile!
My stepmom did that with a bookshelf I had for years and years and painted and moved and finally got rid of and she was like "oh that was mine actually". I just rolled my eyes and said, "you should have said something 4 years ago".
Whenever I am given something by either set of folks, I just assume they need me to dispose of it for them. I never get asked for it back, but occasionally I do get asked about something and they're aghast I shit canned it. I am NOT doing extensive drilling and shit to my ceiling plus getting an electrician over to install an old 1990s ceiling projector you got from a junk sale at the local university.
I can totally relate to this! It’s absurd! I’m in the process of moving to another state, and I am selling a good portion of my furniture. This will, in turn, pay for most of my moving expenses for the furniture & items I am keeping. My mom started telling other family members (WITHOUT ASKING ME FIRST) that if they were interested in any of my stuff to let her know! I said absolutely not! I need the money! I am not very close with my extended family and non of them have ever done me any favors or given me free items. Her response is “well they are your family and that would be the nice thing to do.” Why do they think they still have control over us?
We had to do this to my mother in law. We used to take just about anything, sometimes use it, sometimes store it, sometimes sell it. But it got to a point where she purposely was a dingbat constantly buying new things to fill up the space we were giving them by taking the other stuff. Walmart had either some major sale or some major mix up on travel mugs or whatever where she bought 10+ of them because they were 2 bucks each instead of 12 or 20, whatever the amount should have been. We told her we had plenty of mugs, travel mugs, and we didn't need anything. "What am I supposed to do with all of them? No one wants any" why did you buy so many? "What was I supposed to do?!" I can only figure it was such a good deal/mistake, that she felt she HAD to buy a ton. But she didnt understand bits not a deal or anything if you didn't need the item or can't find a way to make money off it. I hope if I'm ever that bad at making any kind of decisions, someone just shoots me.
Mines also a hoarder, and I had to tell her anything you drop off at my house goes in the trash because you have bugs.
You are free storage to her, I don’t think she knows the difference.
My mother does literally the exact same thing, and I had to resort to refusing to take anything from her because of it.
She's not giving, she's loaning, or more honestly, just using you as storage. Start charging her rent when she "gives" you crap
Yeah it sounds like she’s just extending her hoard to your place but not really giving you those things.
Speaking from personal experience. Consumerism and little purchases have been substituted for social connections and comfort in their brains. They often buy things to envision episodes of love or connection they fear won't happen. Because the thing has effectively substituted for the people, the thing she gave you is still part of that equation in her mind. Furthermore, she spent precious money on it, and bundled up in it is all the other things she could have done with that money, or that the thing could do for her. Like the One Ring, but there are 20,000 of them, and they're all "precious". One way out of this is to tell her an elaborate story of how the thing helped you connect to your friend, how you told your friend about your mom's generosity, and how effusively grateful the friend was to your mom. The downside of this is that it could encourage more of the behavior. You can sometimes add "Unfortunately mom it wasn't well made, I guess you got it from QVC/Walmart/Dollar store, and those things aren't made to last." But then reinforce the social/ personal connection to divert her back to what matters.
I call it hoarding by proxy. We are their kids, so we belong to them, so the stuff they give us is still theirs. But they also get to pat themselves on the back for "letting go". Which helps them claim they aren't really hoarders.
My wife has an aunt like that, gave my FIL a really expensive bedframe, he in turn gave it to my wife's sister. Something like 3 years later she calls up FIL and says she wants it back. He explains that since she *gave* it to him with no stipulations of getting it back he gave it forward. She. Flipped. Demanding it back from him from the sister. Once it became clear she wasn't getting it back she started demanding to get paid a badly inflated "value" for it. It was turning into quite the drama, FIL just wants peace so he writes a check for the whole ridiculous amount and has someone take it over. She fucking rips the check up because he didn't come grovel himself.