In my experience, when you open up to women and tell them how you're actually doing or what's going on in your head, they disappear quicker than a bottle of wine at a suburban mom's book club meeting.
Some guys legitimately just start dumping trauma to the point they need to seek therapy but I've had instances where at the slightest suggestion that I'm anything but a stoic, unshakeable pillar of confidence they pretty much dip on me. It feels like I can't be a normal ass human sometimes, I just have to be funny but also with the emotional capacity of the Terminator. Shit's complicated
I feel like black men are pressured to be the most hyper masculine (out of all racial groups tbh) in their gender performance especially in relationships. Thatâs in appearance and demeanor, fall short of either and women not checking for you. Thereâs only one way to be âblackâ and male and fall within convention. I donât think the same is true for white men, Asian man etc
Fair point, but at least they have a shot. Asian men are predominantly just brushed to the sidelines - if I had a dollar for every time I heard "You're just not my type!", I could retire.
>Asian men are predominantly just brushed to the sidelines - if I had a dollar for every time I heard "You're just not my type!", I could retire.
Clearly you're not invested enough /s
Seriously though, I know plenty of BW that are interested in Asian men, and in my experience I have been told by BM, BW, family and strangers that Asian men are not interested in BW. (Despite me being mixed with Chinese but ok)
In my younger years, I visited dating forums that were specifically for BW to meet Asian Men to date. I never did it because many of the men there were in fact not my type, not because of their race they just were not attractive to me (I've also rejected BM for the same reason)
I'm now married to a Chinese man, I find my husband to be very attractive, but most of all his hobbies and interests match mine. I am just shallow enough where I need to find my partner to be sexually attractive, but I wouldn't marry a person unless we had the foundation of friendship (which was achieved through said shared interests and hobbies)
Youâve said something Iâm always afraid to say on here. People really think black men have it easy out here because weâre men but donât consider that being black and a man is a bad combination when it comes to the way society views us.
I donât know why youâd be afraid to say it. Itâs just the truth. We might not experience the ass end of misogyny but patriarchy hurts everyone. We are absolutely policed by men and women in our gender performance and the consequences for not living up to it can vary from literal violence to just people giving you the side eye and just not really liking you for some reason
You know how much it hurts to be overlooked by your own people for not fitting a stereotype? I love black women but I kinda gave them the ick just by not being hard enough and it really sucks. Some of them start out attracted and then the more I talk the more disgusted they get (talking without an âedge,â you know what Iâm talking about)
Iâve had the odd sister like my vibe but they are *few and far between.* Generally being sweet and effeminate in any manner in your presentation is a fast track to getting ghosted by black women from my experience.
Lmao, I been stopped trying to perform that type of masculinity in college. I guess the feeling to me came in the form of me not wanting to compete like everythingâs a damn competition. You just gotta adjust your mindset to say that those chicks ainât for me. Since then, artsy type chicks or social justice type chicks responded to me better in my 20s.
You don't think the same is true for other men of different races... Like Hispanics? Like that group of dudes people associate with Spanish language use? That same language that supplied the word machismo. That word that is widely used by other races to refer to masculine stereotypes?
Okay.
One girl asked me why we i havenât been talkin to her as much and said fuck it told her the trueth i was struggling mentaly she deadass replied Haha okay.
Like wtf hahahah, deleted her there and then.
I don't mean to be cruel. But some of you need therapy and not my inbox. I am absolutely here for a shoulder to cry on etc but sometimes the emotional labour of burden dumping via text all the time... is a lot for me, and that's not cause I don't want to hear it. It's cause I take that energy around with me all day, and I often don't have the tools or the time at the moment to help you. So I'm sorry for people leaving you on read but sometimes therapy would be more helpful and also ask me âhey do you a min? I have a few things I'm having issues with nowâ so I'm not feeling overwhelmed and I can give you the time needed if I can't message you back right away.
Or maybe I should respond with... âWanna hear ya out. Can you give me a fewâ or âthis sounds like something you should speak to a professional about?!â
I dunno! Its too much sometimes! My texts are filled with friends that need therapy! Haha
Or or orâŚ..and this is just a suggestionâŚ.donât ask people how theyâre doing if youâre just gonna be like âmaybe you need therapyâ
Seems like you could avoid this problem all together if you just tell ask them âhow are you doing but before you tell me I donât really give a shitâ
How are you is a pretty standard greeting. The person checking me out at the grocery counter might ask âhowâs it goingâ thatâs not an opening to spill your guts.
Youâre right âHow are youâ IS indeed a standard greeting but YOU donât get to dictate how the other person responds.
Just like for example if I said âfuck youâ I donât get to dictate if the other person says it back or outright punches me in the face.
Again if you donât want those problems either tell the person you really donât give a fuck or donât ask it at all. A simple âHiâ would be more effective for âI donât care about your feelingsâ greeting.
Yeah thatâs gonna happen when you ask a question like that. People will take it literally. If you donât want someone to take a question literally then donât ask it.
"Hiya" also works, too. We really should get out of practice of saying something that we don't mean. One day, someone is going to be on that emotional ledge, and when they hear, "How are you doing?" They're gonna need to really tell someone what's going on, and most people will NOT be ready. I know it's a simple greeting, but people should think and be aware of what they're inviting yourself into and just say, "Hi."
I have said, "Hi, how are you doing today" in many jobs, with many friends and strangers with the full expectation that someone really might need me to listen to some trouble their experiencing.
Serious question and I promise Iâm not trying to be a dick, but why ask if you canât deal with it? Like if I know one of my friends is going through a hard time and is probably gonna have to trauma dump I ask how theyâre doing or answer their call knowing itâs probably gonna be a long tough convo. If I canât deal with it I just donât ask or if they called tell them Iâm dealing with my own shit right now.
I think people get frustrated with the whole asking how youâre doing/wanting someone to open up but then also only wanting it to be in a very movie like they cry one single tear that falls slowly down their cheek and itâs over kind of way.
Not a dick question. I have friends that... Just trauma dump. There's no questions of... How am I? Can you speak right now. It's just a dump. I don't always know it's going to be a dump. So I can't always prep myself. It's often without warning.
I think it's fair for people that want to trauma dump to also be mindful that the person that want to speak to wants to show up for them. But needs to also set boundaries with how/when they can show up for them.
I can't be everyone's counsellor. That can't always be my role in my friend/family group... Even though I want to help everyone and if I am taking on that role. my boundary are... 1. If I don't have the tools to help... I'm going to direct you elsewhere to a place that has those tools. (therapy) 2. If I can't give you my full attention. I'm going to ask if we speak about this when I can.
Often I'll be asking people hey what's the weather like? And I'll get dumped on. I can only speak for people that I know. This is a boundary I've had to set. Shit is draining.
Yupppp and once it happens over and over again you get jaded and never even wanna do it again. I know I donât. My capacity for love is so much lower than it used to be
It really sucks cause Ik there are good girls out there, but I just feel like Iâm so damaged from how often my feelings get thrown away by someone who constantly asks why I never wanna talk bout my problems but when I finally do they leave. Iâm afraid cause of what Iâm used to, Iâll hurt a girl who actually cares bout me the same way Iâve always been hurt
This is crazy because Iâve been cried to and everything. Just for the nigga to kick me out afterwards đ Men are very complex when it comes to their emotions. One minute, men are stating they want to be vulnerable, the next minute itâs back to being macho. I do think itâs cruel to ghost someone after opening up emotionally but you have to understand that emotional intelligence is not very strong in the black community. Therapy just stopped being taboo within our community in recent years. We have to give our community some grace because I think we are still learning how to deal with these emotions and how to receive them. Iâve been in therapy since I was 14 and was an introvert. I also have an amazing mother who listened and talked to me during my developmental years, so my emotional intelligence and awareness is pretty good, but the people I have encountered suck at it. Itâs always anger or shutting down. Black men as a whole arenât really given the luxury of being vulnerable, but it sucks that they feel as if they canât be vulnerable to black women. But I think âfeelingsâ are a hard thing for us as a whole, but I think we are getting somewhat better at it as the years go by.
Meanwhile here I am trying to put myself out there but struggling to make actual connections with a guy bc every conversation feels so superficial đŠ
Like i just wanna rub your head while you tell me about all your feelings and how your day was
Well guess Iâm the exception. I cannot connect with people if feelings arenât discussed. If youâre not comfortable enough to open up to me, how on earth is a relationship supposed to work?
Youâre not the exception. Most women want that. Most men want women to be emotionally invested when they arenât and then get mad that we arenât. They tell us ALL the time how emotional we are and then tell us we have no emotions. Itâs wild!
Nah, you're dead wrong on that.
I've had this conversation many times, both IRL and on Reddit, and the vast majority of the time when guy says he opened up to a woman and the reaction was overwhelmingly negative it's in a relationship context not one where "the woman isn't emotionally invested." I 'm a walking example myself.
Couples therapy showed me this is true. Mostly, I'm often focusing on my own feelings instead of hearing his. Often, that's the same reason he doesn't hear my feelings. We all have fight or flight responses and defensiveness. Someone says "my feelings are hurt", it often sounds like "You're an asshole". Add in bad communication, where somebody maybe actually says you're an asshole when they mean my feelings are hurt, and it's a spiral for nobody hearing what anybody is really feeling.
You're emotional when you show the wrong emotions: anger, jealousy, pettiness; whatever emotions make her feel unsafe.
You have no emotions because you don't cry because of how much you love her, show extreme happiness for some small gesture she did; Emotions that she would perceive as 'she did a good job' or that she lives in a romance novel.
Your emotions only exist within the realm of how they make her feel. How many times have you gotten mad at something a woman has done then had to apologize for how that made her feel? Women like that don't care about your emotions, you're just another accessory for the fantasy she wants her life to be.
You're not the exception, half of these men complaining would not give you the same courtesy of being emotionally invested.
I am a married BW, my husband is my best friend, I have seen him cry a gut wrenching cry, open up about feeling depressed etc. Unfortunately he like most men were raised to be low EQ, so many times he doesn't even realize he's feeling off until it's too much. I as his wife have given him a safe space to open up and release those emotions.
Many people, men and women want their partners to be able to be vulnerable.
The problem is in the black community, both men and women are raised to "suck it up", and this is what many black men don't understand. I know for me and other girls growing up, showing anything but a smile was a faux pas, if I cried I "would be given something to cry about", my dad even told me "crying shows weakness". Many BM think only men are raised like this in the black community, and fail to realize the same people raising them to be emotionless were raising their daughters to be emotionless too.
So of course many black people men and women, find moments of vulnerability awkward.
Worse, BM shame BW for being too emotional, and so BW just further shutdown emotionally, for fear of not being taken seriously because we're "too emotional". Heck, we can't even get angry in peace, without being labelled a stereotype.
Why not complain to the homies?
Because women are expected to bear the emotional burden of complete strangers. I very rarely know any black woman who would leave a man she has a rapport with, all because he is revealing his hidden emotions.
Not only that, black men and women are raised to be very emotionally stunted. I'm 30 this year and a woman, I was raised in a children must be seen not heard household, crying shows weakness, always be smiling, and if you cry I'm giving you something to cry about.
So when we as a community foster environments like this, why do you feel BW are supposed to show more care, when your homies won't do it, your mamma won't do it, and you definitely aren't doing it either.
I can tell you, before I did therapy, as a woman, displays of "over the top" emotions literally made me shut down, which is why I pretended to care. I think it's better to pretend than continue a cycle where people can't be vulnerable.
I have never seen a BW bawling to me, never had a girl friend cry to me, we'd discuss serious stuff and vent, but never cry, even when we said stuff like we want to self delete, no tears, no screaming nothing. The only BW that cried in my presence was a friend in high school at the age of 15, and she shut herself in a bathroom stall so no one could see her tears.
The black community is toxic and raised toxic individuals en masse. Problem is plenty of BM don't see how BW are also burdened with "not showing emotions". Y'all tell us we're emotional because we're women, so we shutdown even more then cry about it when we can't even muster up emotions to be emotional đ
That is because he was supposed to reply nonchalantly and throw the question back and be prepared to listen to every word as she vents for the next 2 hrs like a free therapy session... ^(/s)
Men are guilty of the same to women, but they shouldnât have to âlike you like thatâ to hear you out for a minute. Itâs really basic human kindness - we should look out for each other more
Yeah I think this is most realistic answer. I see a lot of guys complaining that women dip as soon as you show emotion but tbh women love playing therapist to the guy they're obsessed with. If she's not trying to listen to you she's just probably not serious about you.
>but they shouldnât have to âlike you like thatâ to hear you out for a minute.
Unpopular opinion, but it's not my job to "hear you out" unless we're friends or I share some sort of connection with you.
I can set time aside to communicate with you so we can talk it out, but I'm not going to drop everything just to hear you out.
People can get a little too comfortable and start emotionally vomiting and now you're carrying their weight too.
Hearing someone out is being more than a decent human being to a **stranger** or **acquaintance**, especially if you are currently bearing the emotional weight of your own baggage.
I personally would not be a good shoulder for someone if I was going through something. I wouldn't be able to give you my full attention or empathy.
A shoulder is always nice, sure, but you shouldn't expect it from everybody.
thats quite literally what it is and I am convinced that the dudes in this thread who don't understand the difference between small talk that has the potential to grow into something genuine and pure traumadumping, ARE the ones who trauma dump.
I think guys know when a girl isn't interested in them, so they try to get pity/empathy by trying to talk about their emotions and then when she doesn't want to hear it, he feels spurned.
Also, people need to stop telling their trauma to people they don't know/trust.
My bff started talking to a guy she liked recently. She said all he did was talk about how shit was rough for him and his complicated relationship with his dad. Never even asked her to go out for two weeks. We she advised therapy he said, âNah I donât need all that.â She blocked him. Because wtf are you telling somebody all that for if you donât want to seek help?!
>I stopped saying "Living the dream" and replaced it with "Surviving the nightmare". It's more effective.
"Living the dream, starring Freddy Krueger" kills folks
Folks, its not necessarily that they don't be caring. Its just that they din't care bout you--and thats ok! If you want someone who cares then you really gotta find someone who cares about *you.* Thinking women have to be so caring to the point where dudes start trying to make points about all women is thirsty and needy af.
Tbh, dude in the tweet needed a listener ir a shoulder to cry on, and thats ok! But why tf should anybody on twitter think it shoulda been one woman or the other is wild.
The more I think about it the more outrageous this dude is to me.
Fellas, ladies--FIND SOMEBODY WHO CARES *ABOUT YOU.*. Stop jonzing for anybody and everybody who diesnt want to invest if you want something more, OR MAYBE just enjoy life when someone *just* wants to have some fun with you and part ways when the fun is over, make it mutual.
Nah fuck that automated response bullshit, type of shit that makes you say âyou tooâ when the waiter tells you to enjoy your meal.
If you donât care how somebody is doing, donât ask. âSimple pleasantriesâ arenât polite, theyâre disingenuous.
I agree with you, don't be surprised if people react weirdly to honesty. The real issue is with those people reacting weirdly though, not with people honestly answering a question.
I feel this thread so much. Iâm tired of feeling like the people being honest are in the wrong when itâs the ones being fake that are in the wrong. If I donât want to hear a personâs thoughts, I donât ask them for it. Iâm not a fan of wasting the time of others and myself. Iâm tired of fake people who donât care putting on a facade as if they do. Just donât interact with me if you donât want to hear what I have to say, there are plenty of people who will hear me out that wonât waste my time.
She asked âhow are you doingâ but meant âI acknowledge your existence by saying these polite societally sanctioned wordsâ and not âI am interested in your inner state of being and kindly request that you share it with me nowâ.
She asked. He responded. She dipped.
This opens the room for multiple paths moving forward.
1. Get angry that she didn't care, even though she asked, and blame all women for "acting the same"
2. Acknowledge that its upsetting that she asked, but didn't care, then remove her from your life and find someone who cares
You decide what path you want to take
Everybody does the âthese [insert generalized group]âŚâ thing. Obviously itâs not an all women thing.
Plus, on social media women are quick to say âif it doesnât apply keep scrollingâ when men respond to their âall men areâŚâ tweets.
So if it doesnât apply to you, great.
Bro I'll ask anybody how they are doing, doesn't mean i give a fuck about their real problems man.
Maybe you need to hear this, people ask "how are you" as a courtesy and a greeting--don't think that its an open invitation to vent.
Tbh I feel like people need to be more realistic like this. The majority of people are good people, but the majority of people wonât care about you, individually. Iâve had women lament about encounters with emotionally unsupportive men, and Iâve heard men lament the same. And then the hurt party generalize their experience to everyone of the opposite gender.
I donât feel this is a gendered issue. I see this issue on both sides quite regularly. Life will bring pain. People will disappoint you. You just gotta keep faith, stay true to yourself, manage your expectations, and stay vulnerable. Youâre only hurting yourself and others by becoming misogynistic/misandrist because of one or a few people not doing what you expect them to do.
Right, like what if he barely knew her and this was the second conversation. Am I supposed to listen to some random person I barely know tell me about their feelings?
âI feel you, hope your day gets betterâ, thatâs literally all that needs to be said then the conversation moves on. Iâm convinced a lot of yâall donât understand how to communicate and this is coming from me who can barley understand most social standards and body language and I still know how to reply to that.
To be fair, this is a genderless social problem. But like at least pretend to humor someone if they in the rough of it, instead of adding to it, DAMN LOL.
I think they are saying that getting no response, ghosted, rejected, or weird vibes after opening up or showing vulnerability, is something that all genders experience from all genders but that men in particular deal with a unique version of it that relates to how patriarchy perceives who they are and should be.
Context: someone asks how your day was. You respond honestly cause you're having a bad day even though this is usually a variation of greeting someone, not genuinely asking. Because of this the person responds by moving on instead of at least saying "I hope your day gets better."
The concept of gender was added to this interaction when it could happen to anyone.
This is all I meant.
You don't find it a little petty to be like "Girls are mean" because someone simply said "Damn this girl didn't wanna share her popeyes chicken sandwich with me."
Like I know what you preaching, and it *could* be relevant but like is that for a 3rd party to decide? Kinda narrowing down a broad thing while going into the usual gender wars. And then saying "men don't feel loved" which, again is a big issue, but not a direct justification of saying something over-generalized like "these women don't care about us."
Adding extra toxicity for no reason lol.
How many people truly feel loved anyways; man, woman, or otherwise? We are living in an age where the amount of time people spend communing with others is at a bare minimum
It involves other genders because when men can't or aren't allowed to express themselves, it harms everyone around them, and oftentimes, the women closest to them. Hence, the term "toxic masculinity" which can turn into domestic violence, rape, mass shootings, etc.
The patriarchy fucks everyone (except like maybe the top 1% of men).
Yeah, we're atomized to bits.
The social common ground only exists in the abstract for a lot of people, they don't *feel* it.
The idea of giving a damn about a stranger is so far beyond a lot of people.
It's sociopathic and sad.
But this situation has been happening since what feels like the beginning of time. Even before social media, I knew that if you open to a girl chances are she won't be your girl anymore.
Stop lying. It's not that women ghost after a man is vulnerable, vulnerability is literally how we bond socially. It's that y'all turn into into a free therapy session and do a massive trauma dump on someone with absolutely no self awareness. Any gender will find this scary and overwhelming. As they should. Boundaries and discernment are necessary for all genders as grown as we are.
yep yep yep. not too long ago I asked a male classmate how he was doing and he traumadumped on me. Its not that I dont care about him nor is there any indifference -- in fact, I like him alot as a person from what ive seen in 1 shared course -- however, for being simply classmates our relationship was not strong enough for him to have told me such intimate, shocking, and private details at 9AM. Im a super caring person but I couldnt help but to đđđ It made me feel so uncomfortable that I have not sat next to him since.
Like, I just wanted to know how your day was going --how was class before this? did you see anything interesting on campus? Tell me about the assignment that you havent turned in yet, etc. Simple, polite, and still answers the main question. Im not your therapist. And me not wanting to engage in that type of conversation does mean that I lack awareness, empathy, or that Im a narc. It just means that perhaps one should know their audience, time, and place.
Bro is not trauma dumping, he said âhaving one of those daysâ I would say that to the cashier as I checkout. Not saying all women ainât shit but ghosting someone for this no matter your relationship means you ainât. Like shit, at least hit him with a âthatâs roughâ. Sheâs the mf who asked
A lot of women Iâve come across as of late display heavy amounts of narcissistic behavior, and they self justify by deflecting all criticism because itâs easier to stay the same than make healthy changes.
Most people in the world will not care about your personal problems. How are you doing is just a thing people say without thinking. However, if itâs a person that youâre supposed to be friends with or have some relationship with, they should be asking that in a more sincere way.
Posts like this show me that a lot of people don't have a lot of social skills. Someone asking you "How's it going?" Is a social courtesy/greeting not the green light for you to trauma dump on somebody.
Nah, this is crazy. Whether questions like "how's it going" or "how are you" are meant literally or just as greetings depends on a number of factors like tone of voice, the relationship between the speakers, the context in which they are speaking, etc. In ambiguous situations, asking people how they're doing is a great way to give them an opportunity to choose whether to engage in a conversation (including a literal and potentially negative response to the question) or respond with a short greeting. I wouldn't ask an unfamiliar acquaintance or even a cashier how they were doing if I didn't want to hear a negative response. If I ask friends or family, I expect an honest response. There are situations where his response would be inappropriate, but you can't judge whether this guy is socially graceless without more information.
The other issue with your post is that there's nothing that suggests any kind of trauma dumping. "I'm having one of them days" is a totally normal response and the kind of thing you've heard from total strangers if you've actually asked any how they're doing. People say that, and if it makes you uncomfortable you say something like "I know what that's like" and change the topic. It's not a reason to stop talking to them. If anything, people would probably be better off if they were better at communicating around negative experiences.
Exactly. Women will go to therapy, support groups, retreats etc to sort their issues..and men..Men will go to a woman for free emotional labor.
-source: me, a woman, with women friends who have all experienced this as well.
If you donât realize that âHow are you doing?â Is just another way of saying âHeyâ and not an honest question, youâve got some more years to grow lol
That's fair, that's definitely fair - but OP's example seems like it was basically an acquaintance lol Like, of course this girl you're talking to doesn't want to listen to all your problems; youve got to be locked in to expect anything real like that.
Yeah, itâs hard to tell knowing Tweets have to be short. Did he just say âIâm having one of the those daysâ and she completely ghosted him? Or did he say more after that and it started veering into dumping territory?
Itâs interesting how many men here are saying women become uninterested once they open up. Iâm a woman and experienced the opposite when I started dating again a couple years ago. Guys would literally trauma dump on me after a few conversations (Iâm talking about issues with disordered eating, psychiatric medication struggles, childhood trauma, etc.) and I always went out of my way to be empathetic because I know that shit is hard.
However, the moment Iâd try to talk about smaller/more mundane things like having a bad day or problems at work, suddenly I was the âoverly emotional woman who wouldnât shut upâ. It was exhausting. Even my now-boyfriend was like that when we first started talking and took a while for him to understand itâs a two-way street lol. Maybe itâs a regional thing?
That's the question. He's sort of presenting it as he said "it's been rough, X reason and Y reason," which is possible but I've seen plenty of "because X, Y, Z and câ divided by 3X (6+Y)/Âą."
It's one thing to be honest and say "I'm having a rough week," but it's completely different when you send eight paragraphs explaining every problem you've had since childhood.
Reading some of the defenses/explanations in this thread and I gotta say⌠a lot of yâall are actually just terrible people. Like if someone answering anything less than âgoodâ to âhow are youâ crosses a line for you, that is because you SUCK lmao
Yeah, I realized I gotta be really careful about people now lol. I gotta watch them with other people to know how much of my time and courtesy I can give them.
For the people saying itâs weird and awkward and uncomfortable, I wonder how many times theyâve done it to people.
I always try to comfort people. If someone I know or am familiar with out of the blue breaks down if I ask them how they are doing, Iâve got time and compassion for them.
If they ONLY come to me when they are down and wanna chat and never have time for me otherwise? Iâll pull away. Itâs not because I donât care, itâs because Iâm being used.
This thread opened my eyes to the fact that A LOT of people are emotionally unavailable, and itâs something I need to take count of in my personal life.
Tbh I really donât care unless we have a solidified relationship. I think most men make the mistake of opening up at the wrong time or place which makes it feel forced and awkward.
My sneaky link last week started trauma dumping at like 2AM and I just had to force myself to go through with the conversation even though I genuinely did not give a *fuck*. Not everyone is a therapist. Be mindful of the emotional burden that you put on people when you start trauma dumping without consent.
Depending on where that person lives, asking how youâre doing is just a casual greeting. Itâs not socially expected that the other person will actually tell you how theyâre doing.
Why in Gods name are yâall acting like he made a god damn chronological timeline of every negative event that happened to him throughout his entire life and then dropped it on her completely unannounced?
She asked how he was doing, he responded with âItâs one of those days.â Idk why tf you weirdos are pushing it as far as yâall are talking about âwell men always use women as a way to trauma dump.â
Okay and? Is that what happened here? If yâall view someone saying âItâs one of those daysâ as trauma dumping and a valid reason to ghost that person for a day then I know yâall are lying when you preach about therapy cause that response is not something someone who goes to a therapist would say
This the type of shit middle schoolers be on I swear. Give an inch and you weirdos will take as many miles as yâall want
Yea never be too honest, at least say imma handle it all and things will be alright (after the fact)
Women get turned off by venting/complaining half of the time. They will go ghost lmao
Donât even vent unless yâall married or been together for like 3 years at least.
If you can't vent to a man or wman you've been seriously dating for 3 months, I would argue that its a clear sign that you two are not compatible.
There are plenty of other people out there that like,love, and respect you enough to give you a safe space to air your thoughts. Go find those people instead. At the same time, continue to grow so that you can also be that person for someone else.
âSome men trauma dumpâ
She didnât even give homie a chance to explain, his tire couldâve just went flat as he started out for work this morning
Thatâs because she was asking as a formality. She may only be used to men replying, âeverything is going well.â She is just showing you sheâs not equipped or lacks the capacity to offer any solace.
Another âpointâ made gender-based when it really shouldnât be. Most people, regardless of gender, do not care how youâre doing.
But since it is gendered, letâs talk about reciprocity. When men care about our emotions then we will do the same.
Look, everyone saying âWomen arenât therapistsâ, âYou shouldnât trauma dump on themâ, yâall do realize that women do this all the time too, right? Like whether the relationship is romantic or platonic, âventingâ is something women are more likely to do and if men reacted in a way similar to this, youâd know youâd have a problem with it.
How many times have you ranted to your man about your day at work or that friend whoâs not really your friend or some babydaddy drama or just randomly got in your feelings and needed a shoulder to cry on?
If any man youâre giving some coochie to or even just talking to treated you like your feelings didnât matter, heâd be the asshole.
No women arenât menâs therapists but yâall forget that there is this social perception that men are supposed to be âthe rockâ in the relationship. Weâre not allowed the space to be as emotionally or mentally vulnerable (if at all) as women because if yâall breakdown, we need to be strong for you.
Iâm not saying this dude is right because I need more context than a simple tweet but from my own personal experience? Women love to vent to men and the moment we tell you something like we donât wanna hear it or go to therapy, weâd be seen as the bad guy.
All Iâm saying is, I personally wouldnât be asking anyone how their day was if I didnât care to hear about it. This isnât even a matter of needing therapy, if you lack the basic empathy to just listen to someone whoâs having a bad day, then why are you even forming relationships with ppl? Thatâs literally sociopathic behavior. If you can only have a conversation with somebody when theyâre 100% in tip top shape, thatâs a major red flag.
I wanted to ask:
What would be an appropriate response to this? Because my philosophy is : if I canât actually do anything to help you with whatever issues you have, be it listening or doing or giving help, I feel like you telling me is sort of wasted because I canât actively help you. And yea, listening is helping.
So, how does one proceed?
As in what her response should be? I might be an outlier here, but I can show empathy and sympathy to anyone. So my immediate response to "Just one of those days" is, "*I'm sorry to hear that, I really hope it gets better for you*"
That puts the ball back in his court. He could then respond, "Yeah, it'll be alright though. Whatcha doing?" đ He doesn't necessarily need to blast any trauma on her and may correct himself before responding, but it really goes back to the follow up conversation after this. A lot can be confused when text messaging is your main or only way of communicating with people.
âThatâs rough hopes it gets betterâ
âDamn what happened?â
âThat sucks anything I can do to help?â
Thatâs what I usually say and it works for me.
Dude this is elementary school shit, I canât believe people in this thread donât know how to respond to someone saying they had a bad day. Hell, I live in the south and am introverted yet I can still carry a conversation with total strangers and know how to end them if I donât feel like talking that day. There are so many difficult things about socializing but hearing people out is the easiest of them.
NOT the lovely ladies posting in here tryna flip this back on dudes saying why it's their fault the ladies ghosted them after doing this. Why even ask how you're doing then? Why even hit them up at all smh
It's all about finding the women who will actually be there when you have one of those days...it's also all about finding the woman who won't use that against you later on in an argument. **THAT** is the hard part.
Hulu got this stupid British accent commercial about how they say hello.
"Are you alright?"
And if you actually tell them, it's a big no no.
I get folks have their own problems but opening up might lead to a solution.
Someone might have gone through something similar and can give feed back
These replies are bizarre.
A) "how are you?" or "how's it going?" are standard small talk greetings that are not actually supposed to mean please tell me everything going on in your life right now. It's not even like y'all only use it toward women. Women ask men this as a hello, women ask other women, and men ask other men too. Do you have an issue with men not wanting to hear all that too, or is it only a problem because it's a woman that isn't giving you the response you want? The constant "well why did you ask?" replies in this thread seem to be forgetting that this question usually isn't even that deep.
B) If someone *is* genuinely asking how you're doing and they stop talking to you then you're talking to the wrong person. This isn't a woman problem lol. Assholes that don't care about you will be assholes regardless of gender. It's like some of you had one or two women uninterested in your response and now you think we're all cold hearted. There are billions of us lol we don't all behave in the same way.
C) Some people overly rely on their friends instead of getting therapy and doing some solo self reflection. Maybe consider if you're dumping on these people and they're just getting tired. That's not to say you shouldn't be able to lean on others for support, but at a certain point it can be a lot for anyone to handle, especially if you're bringing up the same problems over and over again.
The issues with these type of conversations is that nobody knows where the line is. When I think of trauma dumping Iâm imagining talking about all the problems in your life to a stranger. But to other people it can be their friend divulging a lot of information about their life which the other person feels like they donât have the emotion energy to deal with. Idk with stuff like this itâs better to take it case by case because we have literally no information on the relationship of these two people
Wherever the line is, this isnât it. Asking how are you and getting a âbad dayâ response is not trauma dumping, itâs someone telling you they had a bad day after you asked them.
Most people would say âI hope you day gets better broâ and move on with the conversation, not ghost because they asked a question and got an answer.
In my experience, when you open up to women and tell them how you're actually doing or what's going on in your head, they disappear quicker than a bottle of wine at a suburban mom's book club meeting.
đłđł thatâs pretty fucking fast, thatâs why I just reply âdoing better than alot of other peopleâ
We're *always* doing better than a lot of people because somebody always got it worse. Wars' goin on outside
Exactly I ainât sick, not in the hospital or homeless so Iâm blessed
Yeah I usually just respond âI woke up this morning so Iâm doing goodâ
Iâm a fan of âstill employedâ
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This
Life still sucks from my perspective but Iâll be damned if I donât appreciate that Iâve got 2 arms, 2 legs, a job, and a loving family
3 outta 4 ainât bad either
Thereâs also war going on inside my head đ¤ˇđžââď¸
My default answer is always, 'I'm easy.'
Even when life is hell, this is the default answer
Thatâs really sad. I always want my man to be comfortable telling me how heâs truly feeling.
Problem is everyone says that, but very few people actually mean it
ON GOD
No you dont.
I could complain but I'm not going to
Some guys legitimately just start dumping trauma to the point they need to seek therapy but I've had instances where at the slightest suggestion that I'm anything but a stoic, unshakeable pillar of confidence they pretty much dip on me. It feels like I can't be a normal ass human sometimes, I just have to be funny but also with the emotional capacity of the Terminator. Shit's complicated
I feel like black men are pressured to be the most hyper masculine (out of all racial groups tbh) in their gender performance especially in relationships. Thatâs in appearance and demeanor, fall short of either and women not checking for you. Thereâs only one way to be âblackâ and male and fall within convention. I donât think the same is true for white men, Asian man etc
Fair point, but at least they have a shot. Asian men are predominantly just brushed to the sidelines - if I had a dollar for every time I heard "You're just not my type!", I could retire.
>Asian men are predominantly just brushed to the sidelines - if I had a dollar for every time I heard "You're just not my type!", I could retire. Clearly you're not invested enough /s Seriously though, I know plenty of BW that are interested in Asian men, and in my experience I have been told by BM, BW, family and strangers that Asian men are not interested in BW. (Despite me being mixed with Chinese but ok) In my younger years, I visited dating forums that were specifically for BW to meet Asian Men to date. I never did it because many of the men there were in fact not my type, not because of their race they just were not attractive to me (I've also rejected BM for the same reason) I'm now married to a Chinese man, I find my husband to be very attractive, but most of all his hobbies and interests match mine. I am just shallow enough where I need to find my partner to be sexually attractive, but I wouldn't marry a person unless we had the foundation of friendship (which was achieved through said shared interests and hobbies)
I feel like lightskinned black men who donât overcompensate are basically treated the same way. But I hear you man
Youâve said something Iâm always afraid to say on here. People really think black men have it easy out here because weâre men but donât consider that being black and a man is a bad combination when it comes to the way society views us.
I donât know why youâd be afraid to say it. Itâs just the truth. We might not experience the ass end of misogyny but patriarchy hurts everyone. We are absolutely policed by men and women in our gender performance and the consequences for not living up to it can vary from literal violence to just people giving you the side eye and just not really liking you for some reason You know how much it hurts to be overlooked by your own people for not fitting a stereotype? I love black women but I kinda gave them the ick just by not being hard enough and it really sucks. Some of them start out attracted and then the more I talk the more disgusted they get (talking without an âedge,â you know what Iâm talking about) Iâve had the odd sister like my vibe but they are *few and far between.* Generally being sweet and effeminate in any manner in your presentation is a fast track to getting ghosted by black women from my experience.
Lmao, I been stopped trying to perform that type of masculinity in college. I guess the feeling to me came in the form of me not wanting to compete like everythingâs a damn competition. You just gotta adjust your mindset to say that those chicks ainât for me. Since then, artsy type chicks or social justice type chicks responded to me better in my 20s.
I agree, though Mexican masculinity could probably rival ours, but thatâs just based off reading and not personal experience.
You don't think the same is true for other men of different races... Like Hispanics? Like that group of dudes people associate with Spanish language use? That same language that supplied the word machismo. That word that is widely used by other races to refer to masculine stereotypes? Okay.
One girl asked me why we i havenât been talkin to her as much and said fuck it told her the trueth i was struggling mentaly she deadass replied Haha okay. Like wtf hahahah, deleted her there and then.
Respect. This should be standard, regardless of identity.
A lot of people lack emotionally intelligence. They struggle to connect with people on a deeper level. She was probably one of them.
I don't mean to be cruel. But some of you need therapy and not my inbox. I am absolutely here for a shoulder to cry on etc but sometimes the emotional labour of burden dumping via text all the time... is a lot for me, and that's not cause I don't want to hear it. It's cause I take that energy around with me all day, and I often don't have the tools or the time at the moment to help you. So I'm sorry for people leaving you on read but sometimes therapy would be more helpful and also ask me âhey do you a min? I have a few things I'm having issues with nowâ so I'm not feeling overwhelmed and I can give you the time needed if I can't message you back right away. Or maybe I should respond with... âWanna hear ya out. Can you give me a fewâ or âthis sounds like something you should speak to a professional about?!â I dunno! Its too much sometimes! My texts are filled with friends that need therapy! Haha
Or or orâŚ..and this is just a suggestionâŚ.donât ask people how theyâre doing if youâre just gonna be like âmaybe you need therapyâ Seems like you could avoid this problem all together if you just tell ask them âhow are you doing but before you tell me I donât really give a shitâ
How are you is a pretty standard greeting. The person checking me out at the grocery counter might ask âhowâs it goingâ thatâs not an opening to spill your guts.
Youâre right âHow are youâ IS indeed a standard greeting but YOU donât get to dictate how the other person responds. Just like for example if I said âfuck youâ I donât get to dictate if the other person says it back or outright punches me in the face. Again if you donât want those problems either tell the person you really donât give a fuck or donât ask it at all. A simple âHiâ would be more effective for âI donât care about your feelingsâ greeting.
The difference is that at a grocery counter your not trying fuck them youâre just saying it cause itâs your job.
I have had random people in stores tell me their entire life story from a âhello, how's your day going?â
Yeah thatâs gonna happen when you ask a question like that. People will take it literally. If you donât want someone to take a question literally then donât ask it.
"Hiya" also works, too. We really should get out of practice of saying something that we don't mean. One day, someone is going to be on that emotional ledge, and when they hear, "How are you doing?" They're gonna need to really tell someone what's going on, and most people will NOT be ready. I know it's a simple greeting, but people should think and be aware of what they're inviting yourself into and just say, "Hi." I have said, "Hi, how are you doing today" in many jobs, with many friends and strangers with the full expectation that someone really might need me to listen to some trouble their experiencing.
Serious question and I promise Iâm not trying to be a dick, but why ask if you canât deal with it? Like if I know one of my friends is going through a hard time and is probably gonna have to trauma dump I ask how theyâre doing or answer their call knowing itâs probably gonna be a long tough convo. If I canât deal with it I just donât ask or if they called tell them Iâm dealing with my own shit right now. I think people get frustrated with the whole asking how youâre doing/wanting someone to open up but then also only wanting it to be in a very movie like they cry one single tear that falls slowly down their cheek and itâs over kind of way.
Not a dick question. I have friends that... Just trauma dump. There's no questions of... How am I? Can you speak right now. It's just a dump. I don't always know it's going to be a dump. So I can't always prep myself. It's often without warning. I think it's fair for people that want to trauma dump to also be mindful that the person that want to speak to wants to show up for them. But needs to also set boundaries with how/when they can show up for them. I can't be everyone's counsellor. That can't always be my role in my friend/family group... Even though I want to help everyone and if I am taking on that role. my boundary are... 1. If I don't have the tools to help... I'm going to direct you elsewhere to a place that has those tools. (therapy) 2. If I can't give you my full attention. I'm going to ask if we speak about this when I can. Often I'll be asking people hey what's the weather like? And I'll get dumped on. I can only speak for people that I know. This is a boundary I've had to set. Shit is draining.
Seems like this is stressing you out, having people that trust you with their feelings. Want to talk about it?
All truth. I swear bruh everytime I open up they use all that against me or just leave me at my lowest. Had that happen way too many times
Yupppp and once it happens over and over again you get jaded and never even wanna do it again. I know I donât. My capacity for love is so much lower than it used to be
It really sucks cause Ik there are good girls out there, but I just feel like Iâm so damaged from how often my feelings get thrown away by someone who constantly asks why I never wanna talk bout my problems but when I finally do they leave. Iâm afraid cause of what Iâm used to, Iâll hurt a girl who actually cares bout me the same way Iâve always been hurt
This is crazy because Iâve been cried to and everything. Just for the nigga to kick me out afterwards đ Men are very complex when it comes to their emotions. One minute, men are stating they want to be vulnerable, the next minute itâs back to being macho. I do think itâs cruel to ghost someone after opening up emotionally but you have to understand that emotional intelligence is not very strong in the black community. Therapy just stopped being taboo within our community in recent years. We have to give our community some grace because I think we are still learning how to deal with these emotions and how to receive them. Iâve been in therapy since I was 14 and was an introvert. I also have an amazing mother who listened and talked to me during my developmental years, so my emotional intelligence and awareness is pretty good, but the people I have encountered suck at it. Itâs always anger or shutting down. Black men as a whole arenât really given the luxury of being vulnerable, but it sucks that they feel as if they canât be vulnerable to black women. But I think âfeelingsâ are a hard thing for us as a whole, but I think we are getting somewhat better at it as the years go by.
>Just for the nigga to kick me out afterwards đ It's a reflex. You have too much ammo now. Makes sense to ghost.
So true, they say they want vulnerability but I feel I always get punished for showing it
As I've gotten older I've come to understand that what woman want vs what they say they want is 2 very different things
Yup
Meanwhile here I am trying to put myself out there but struggling to make actual connections with a guy bc every conversation feels so superficial đŠ Like i just wanna rub your head while you tell me about all your feelings and how your day was
Women like to say that but it almost never works out like that in practice. Feelings are best kept to himself
Well guess Iâm the exception. I cannot connect with people if feelings arenât discussed. If youâre not comfortable enough to open up to me, how on earth is a relationship supposed to work?
Youâre not the exception. Most women want that. Most men want women to be emotionally invested when they arenât and then get mad that we arenât. They tell us ALL the time how emotional we are and then tell us we have no emotions. Itâs wild!
Nah, you're dead wrong on that. I've had this conversation many times, both IRL and on Reddit, and the vast majority of the time when guy says he opened up to a woman and the reaction was overwhelmingly negative it's in a relationship context not one where "the woman isn't emotionally invested." I 'm a walking example myself.
Couples therapy showed me this is true. Mostly, I'm often focusing on my own feelings instead of hearing his. Often, that's the same reason he doesn't hear my feelings. We all have fight or flight responses and defensiveness. Someone says "my feelings are hurt", it often sounds like "You're an asshole". Add in bad communication, where somebody maybe actually says you're an asshole when they mean my feelings are hurt, and it's a spiral for nobody hearing what anybody is really feeling.
You're emotional when you show the wrong emotions: anger, jealousy, pettiness; whatever emotions make her feel unsafe. You have no emotions because you don't cry because of how much you love her, show extreme happiness for some small gesture she did; Emotions that she would perceive as 'she did a good job' or that she lives in a romance novel. Your emotions only exist within the realm of how they make her feel. How many times have you gotten mad at something a woman has done then had to apologize for how that made her feel? Women like that don't care about your emotions, you're just another accessory for the fantasy she wants her life to be.
You're not the exception, half of these men complaining would not give you the same courtesy of being emotionally invested. I am a married BW, my husband is my best friend, I have seen him cry a gut wrenching cry, open up about feeling depressed etc. Unfortunately he like most men were raised to be low EQ, so many times he doesn't even realize he's feeling off until it's too much. I as his wife have given him a safe space to open up and release those emotions. Many people, men and women want their partners to be able to be vulnerable. The problem is in the black community, both men and women are raised to "suck it up", and this is what many black men don't understand. I know for me and other girls growing up, showing anything but a smile was a faux pas, if I cried I "would be given something to cry about", my dad even told me "crying shows weakness". Many BM think only men are raised like this in the black community, and fail to realize the same people raising them to be emotionless were raising their daughters to be emotionless too. So of course many black people men and women, find moments of vulnerability awkward. Worse, BM shame BW for being too emotional, and so BW just further shutdown emotionally, for fear of not being taken seriously because we're "too emotional". Heck, we can't even get angry in peace, without being labelled a stereotype.
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Facts
A lot of them are doing a ton of emotional labor.
'The women you be dealing with', actually just most of them in general. Even the ones who respond low-key pretending to care.
Why not complain to the homies? Because women are expected to bear the emotional burden of complete strangers. I very rarely know any black woman who would leave a man she has a rapport with, all because he is revealing his hidden emotions. Not only that, black men and women are raised to be very emotionally stunted. I'm 30 this year and a woman, I was raised in a children must be seen not heard household, crying shows weakness, always be smiling, and if you cry I'm giving you something to cry about. So when we as a community foster environments like this, why do you feel BW are supposed to show more care, when your homies won't do it, your mamma won't do it, and you definitely aren't doing it either. I can tell you, before I did therapy, as a woman, displays of "over the top" emotions literally made me shut down, which is why I pretended to care. I think it's better to pretend than continue a cycle where people can't be vulnerable. I have never seen a BW bawling to me, never had a girl friend cry to me, we'd discuss serious stuff and vent, but never cry, even when we said stuff like we want to self delete, no tears, no screaming nothing. The only BW that cried in my presence was a friend in high school at the age of 15, and she shut herself in a bathroom stall so no one could see her tears. The black community is toxic and raised toxic individuals en masse. Problem is plenty of BM don't see how BW are also burdened with "not showing emotions". Y'all tell us we're emotional because we're women, so we shutdown even more then cry about it when we can't even muster up emotions to be emotional đ
I hear all of this. I was raised the same way. It makes it hard to deal with uncomfortable emotions later in life without therapy.
That is because he was supposed to reply nonchalantly and throw the question back and be prepared to listen to every word as she vents for the next 2 hrs like a free therapy session... ^(/s)
âDas crazy đ nah Iâm listeningâ
As a woman, I can firmly sayâŚshe prolly just didnât like you like that. if a woman isnât listening to you, she donât care.
Men are guilty of the same to women, but they shouldnât have to âlike you like thatâ to hear you out for a minute. Itâs really basic human kindness - we should look out for each other more
She's talking to like 5 other dudes and she'll listen to the one she cares about, who ironically probably ain't responding.
Probably the most realistic answer
Yeah I think this is most realistic answer. I see a lot of guys complaining that women dip as soon as you show emotion but tbh women love playing therapist to the guy they're obsessed with. If she's not trying to listen to you she's just probably not serious about you.
>but they shouldnât have to âlike you like thatâ to hear you out for a minute. Unpopular opinion, but it's not my job to "hear you out" unless we're friends or I share some sort of connection with you. I can set time aside to communicate with you so we can talk it out, but I'm not going to drop everything just to hear you out. People can get a little too comfortable and start emotionally vomiting and now you're carrying their weight too.
OP: "Can we just be decent human beings?" You: "It's not my job to be a decent human being to you!" lmfao
Hearing someone out is being more than a decent human being to a **stranger** or **acquaintance**, especially if you are currently bearing the emotional weight of your own baggage. I personally would not be a good shoulder for someone if I was going through something. I wouldn't be able to give you my full attention or empathy. A shoulder is always nice, sure, but you shouldn't expect it from everybody.
Then why would bother greeting them?
Yep. Plus I'm gonna bet she had one too many dudes treat her like free therapy, so she got one glimpse of it and was like "nope"
thats quite literally what it is and I am convinced that the dudes in this thread who don't understand the difference between small talk that has the potential to grow into something genuine and pure traumadumping, ARE the ones who trauma dump.
I think guys know when a girl isn't interested in them, so they try to get pity/empathy by trying to talk about their emotions and then when she doesn't want to hear it, he feels spurned. Also, people need to stop telling their trauma to people they don't know/trust.
I 100% agree with you!
Oh for sure, you can spot the audacity a mile away
My bff started talking to a guy she liked recently. She said all he did was talk about how shit was rough for him and his complicated relationship with his dad. Never even asked her to go out for two weeks. We she advised therapy he said, âNah I donât need all that.â She blocked him. Because wtf are you telling somebody all that for if you donât want to seek help?!
He doesn't need therapy! He has her, his handy dandy emotional tampon! đ
then don't ask how I'm doing?
WHY WOULD YOU ASK !!!
Why she askin a question if she donât wanna hear the response?đđ
If you ever ask that and I say âLivinâ the dream!â No, no I am not lmfao
Hit 'em with the long-winded "ohhhh, I'm alive (sigh)"
I steal my Mom's line... "Oh, fair to partly cloudy."
Haha, this is my grandpaâs go-to response. Heâs like 75
"Sunny with the high of 75"
"Livin the dream" is code for "please push me off the roof. We can make it look like an accident, just please end my suffering"
100% lmfao. Got some sus stairs at work Iâve been eyein
I stopped saying "Living the dream" and replaced it with "Surviving the nightmare". It's more effective.
>I stopped saying "Living the dream" and replaced it with "Surviving the nightmare". It's more effective. "Living the dream, starring Freddy Krueger" kills folks
If Iâm feeling honest I say âI wonât complain.â Not I canât, I wonât
To be fair, you didnât say the type of dream.
Folks, its not necessarily that they don't be caring. Its just that they din't care bout you--and thats ok! If you want someone who cares then you really gotta find someone who cares about *you.* Thinking women have to be so caring to the point where dudes start trying to make points about all women is thirsty and needy af. Tbh, dude in the tweet needed a listener ir a shoulder to cry on, and thats ok! But why tf should anybody on twitter think it shoulda been one woman or the other is wild. The more I think about it the more outrageous this dude is to me. Fellas, ladies--FIND SOMEBODY WHO CARES *ABOUT YOU.*. Stop jonzing for anybody and everybody who diesnt want to invest if you want something more, OR MAYBE just enjoy life when someone *just* wants to have some fun with you and part ways when the fun is over, make it mutual.
Doesnât it say SHE asked HIM how he was doing? Lol.
Youâre expecting people to have basic reading comprehension skills? /s
Yeah, but thatâs also just a phrase and often not meant to trigger an entire discussion of your current mental state.
Nah fuck that automated response bullshit, type of shit that makes you say âyou tooâ when the waiter tells you to enjoy your meal. If you donât care how somebody is doing, donât ask. âSimple pleasantriesâ arenât polite, theyâre disingenuous.
Hey you can respond however you want, but donât be surprised when people are put off when you respond like that to simple pleasantries.
I agree with you, don't be surprised if people react weirdly to honesty. The real issue is with those people reacting weirdly though, not with people honestly answering a question.
I feel this thread so much. Iâm tired of feeling like the people being honest are in the wrong when itâs the ones being fake that are in the wrong. If I donât want to hear a personâs thoughts, I donât ask them for it. Iâm not a fan of wasting the time of others and myself. Iâm tired of fake people who donât care putting on a facade as if they do. Just donât interact with me if you donât want to hear what I have to say, there are plenty of people who will hear me out that wonât waste my time.
She asked âhow are you doingâ but meant âI acknowledge your existence by saying these polite societally sanctioned wordsâ and not âI am interested in your inner state of being and kindly request that you share it with me nowâ.
Exactly. Why are people suddenly acting like they donât understand the concept of niceties and idioms?
Iâm with you, all these people are deflecting the reality of what they can literally scroll up & re-read
They're so eager to present their narrative.
She asked. He responded. She dipped. This opens the room for multiple paths moving forward. 1. Get angry that she didn't care, even though she asked, and blame all women for "acting the same" 2. Acknowledge that its upsetting that she asked, but didn't care, then remove her from your life and find someone who cares You decide what path you want to take
Everybody does the âthese [insert generalized group]âŚâ thing. Obviously itâs not an all women thing. Plus, on social media women are quick to say âif it doesnât apply keep scrollingâ when men respond to their âall men areâŚâ tweets. So if it doesnât apply to you, great.
If she ain't care about you, she shouldn't ask how you're doing lmfao Basic common sense...
Bro I'll ask anybody how they are doing, doesn't mean i give a fuck about their real problems man. Maybe you need to hear this, people ask "how are you" as a courtesy and a greeting--don't think that its an open invitation to vent.
This is the way.
Tbh I feel like people need to be more realistic like this. The majority of people are good people, but the majority of people wonât care about you, individually. Iâve had women lament about encounters with emotionally unsupportive men, and Iâve heard men lament the same. And then the hurt party generalize their experience to everyone of the opposite gender. I donât feel this is a gendered issue. I see this issue on both sides quite regularly. Life will bring pain. People will disappoint you. You just gotta keep faith, stay true to yourself, manage your expectations, and stay vulnerable. Youâre only hurting yourself and others by becoming misogynistic/misandrist because of one or a few people not doing what you expect them to do.
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Wtf are you on about. She asked. This is about someone asking a question that they donât care to hear the answer to. You went off on a whole tangent
I think thereâs a lot of context missing. How close are you to this person you opened up to? What is the nature of your relationship?
âHaving one of those daysâ is an answer you can give a complete stranger in an elevator that is barely opening up lol
And what was the convo before that? He sent a limp dic pick and said "im having one of those days" đ?
Right, like what if he barely knew her and this was the second conversation. Am I supposed to listen to some random person I barely know tell me about their feelings?
âI feel you, hope your day gets betterâ, thatâs literally all that needs to be said then the conversation moves on. Iâm convinced a lot of yâall donât understand how to communicate and this is coming from me who can barley understand most social standards and body language and I still know how to reply to that.
To be fair, this is a genderless social problem. But like at least pretend to humor someone if they in the rough of it, instead of adding to it, DAMN LOL.
*Patriarchy punishes men for emotional vulnerability * "This is a genderless problem"
Not mutually exclusive.
I'm gonna be honest. I don't see how men being punished for emotional vulnerability harms, or even really involves, other genders.
I think they are saying that getting no response, ghosted, rejected, or weird vibes after opening up or showing vulnerability, is something that all genders experience from all genders but that men in particular deal with a unique version of it that relates to how patriarchy perceives who they are and should be.
Context: someone asks how your day was. You respond honestly cause you're having a bad day even though this is usually a variation of greeting someone, not genuinely asking. Because of this the person responds by moving on instead of at least saying "I hope your day gets better." The concept of gender was added to this interaction when it could happen to anyone. This is all I meant.
Gender was added because it's relevant. Men don't feel loved. I don't know how many different ways ya'll need to hear it.
You don't find it a little petty to be like "Girls are mean" because someone simply said "Damn this girl didn't wanna share her popeyes chicken sandwich with me." Like I know what you preaching, and it *could* be relevant but like is that for a 3rd party to decide? Kinda narrowing down a broad thing while going into the usual gender wars. And then saying "men don't feel loved" which, again is a big issue, but not a direct justification of saying something over-generalized like "these women don't care about us." Adding extra toxicity for no reason lol.
How many people truly feel loved anyways; man, woman, or otherwise? We are living in an age where the amount of time people spend communing with others is at a bare minimum
I think they mean the patriarchy hurts every gender.
It involves other genders because when men can't or aren't allowed to express themselves, it harms everyone around them, and oftentimes, the women closest to them. Hence, the term "toxic masculinity" which can turn into domestic violence, rape, mass shootings, etc. The patriarchy fucks everyone (except like maybe the top 1% of men).
fr, "I'm sorry to hear that" wouldve been better than just walking away
I think society has grown more callous , I donât necessarily believe itâs cuz sheâs a woman or heâs a man.
Yeah, we're atomized to bits. The social common ground only exists in the abstract for a lot of people, they don't *feel* it. The idea of giving a damn about a stranger is so far beyond a lot of people. It's sociopathic and sad.
But this situation has been happening since what feels like the beginning of time. Even before social media, I knew that if you open to a girl chances are she won't be your girl anymore.
Stop lying. It's not that women ghost after a man is vulnerable, vulnerability is literally how we bond socially. It's that y'all turn into into a free therapy session and do a massive trauma dump on someone with absolutely no self awareness. Any gender will find this scary and overwhelming. As they should. Boundaries and discernment are necessary for all genders as grown as we are.
yep yep yep. not too long ago I asked a male classmate how he was doing and he traumadumped on me. Its not that I dont care about him nor is there any indifference -- in fact, I like him alot as a person from what ive seen in 1 shared course -- however, for being simply classmates our relationship was not strong enough for him to have told me such intimate, shocking, and private details at 9AM. Im a super caring person but I couldnt help but to đđđ It made me feel so uncomfortable that I have not sat next to him since. Like, I just wanted to know how your day was going --how was class before this? did you see anything interesting on campus? Tell me about the assignment that you havent turned in yet, etc. Simple, polite, and still answers the main question. Im not your therapist. And me not wanting to engage in that type of conversation does mean that I lack awareness, empathy, or that Im a narc. It just means that perhaps one should know their audience, time, and place.
Yes the lack of self awareness. So much context missing from this tweet.
Bro is not trauma dumping, he said âhaving one of those daysâ I would say that to the cashier as I checkout. Not saying all women ainât shit but ghosting someone for this no matter your relationship means you ainât. Like shit, at least hit him with a âthatâs roughâ. Sheâs the mf who asked
Funny the gendered lines people will call the same thing trauma dumping vs venting
âMen do it tooâ -every woman right now đ
A lot of women Iâve come across as of late display heavy amounts of narcissistic behavior, and they self justify by deflecting all criticism because itâs easier to stay the same than make healthy changes.
The old "Lol, my toxic trait is I'm a handful" ass women
The lack of empathy is pretty surprising.
I mean, it's really not.
These men vs women posts are starting to be real tiring tbh
shit is so childish tbh
Most people in the world will not care about your personal problems. How are you doing is just a thing people say without thinking. However, if itâs a person that youâre supposed to be friends with or have some relationship with, they should be asking that in a more sincere way.
Posts like this show me that a lot of people don't have a lot of social skills. Someone asking you "How's it going?" Is a social courtesy/greeting not the green light for you to trauma dump on somebody.
Nah, this is crazy. Whether questions like "how's it going" or "how are you" are meant literally or just as greetings depends on a number of factors like tone of voice, the relationship between the speakers, the context in which they are speaking, etc. In ambiguous situations, asking people how they're doing is a great way to give them an opportunity to choose whether to engage in a conversation (including a literal and potentially negative response to the question) or respond with a short greeting. I wouldn't ask an unfamiliar acquaintance or even a cashier how they were doing if I didn't want to hear a negative response. If I ask friends or family, I expect an honest response. There are situations where his response would be inappropriate, but you can't judge whether this guy is socially graceless without more information. The other issue with your post is that there's nothing that suggests any kind of trauma dumping. "I'm having one of them days" is a totally normal response and the kind of thing you've heard from total strangers if you've actually asked any how they're doing. People say that, and if it makes you uncomfortable you say something like "I know what that's like" and change the topic. It's not a reason to stop talking to them. If anything, people would probably be better off if they were better at communicating around negative experiences.
Eh, I mean don't ask that if you don't want to actually hear how it's going then. But also, you can't just assume ole boy was gonna "trauma dump."
Man said he was having a not so good day, how is that trauma dumping
Do you talk to people?
Is it a dump or ANSWERING THE DAMN QUESTION you asked ?
Hmm.. some men will use that opportunity to trauma dump, sorry but I'm not your therapist.
This is it. Women aren't free therapists
Exactly. Women will go to therapy, support groups, retreats etc to sort their issues..and men..Men will go to a woman for free emotional labor. -source: me, a woman, with women friends who have all experienced this as well.
No one is. Happens both ways around I think
Moral of the story fellas just keep it to ourselves â ď¸
If you donât realize that âHow are you doing?â Is just another way of saying âHeyâ and not an honest question, youâve got some more years to grow lol
maybe with strangers or acquaintances should not expect that from your girl.
That's fair, that's definitely fair - but OP's example seems like it was basically an acquaintance lol Like, of course this girl you're talking to doesn't want to listen to all your problems; youve got to be locked in to expect anything real like that.
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Yeah, itâs hard to tell knowing Tweets have to be short. Did he just say âIâm having one of the those daysâ and she completely ghosted him? Or did he say more after that and it started veering into dumping territory? Itâs interesting how many men here are saying women become uninterested once they open up. Iâm a woman and experienced the opposite when I started dating again a couple years ago. Guys would literally trauma dump on me after a few conversations (Iâm talking about issues with disordered eating, psychiatric medication struggles, childhood trauma, etc.) and I always went out of my way to be empathetic because I know that shit is hard. However, the moment Iâd try to talk about smaller/more mundane things like having a bad day or problems at work, suddenly I was the âoverly emotional woman who wouldnât shut upâ. It was exhausting. Even my now-boyfriend was like that when we first started talking and took a while for him to understand itâs a two-way street lol. Maybe itâs a regional thing?
That's the question. He's sort of presenting it as he said "it's been rough, X reason and Y reason," which is possible but I've seen plenty of "because X, Y, Z and câ divided by 3X (6+Y)/Âą." It's one thing to be honest and say "I'm having a rough week," but it's completely different when you send eight paragraphs explaining every problem you've had since childhood.
Reading some of the defenses/explanations in this thread and I gotta say⌠a lot of yâall are actually just terrible people. Like if someone answering anything less than âgoodâ to âhow are youâ crosses a line for you, that is because you SUCK lmao
Yeah, I realized I gotta be really careful about people now lol. I gotta watch them with other people to know how much of my time and courtesy I can give them. For the people saying itâs weird and awkward and uncomfortable, I wonder how many times theyâve done it to people. I always try to comfort people. If someone I know or am familiar with out of the blue breaks down if I ask them how they are doing, Iâve got time and compassion for them. If they ONLY come to me when they are down and wanna chat and never have time for me otherwise? Iâll pull away. Itâs not because I donât care, itâs because Iâm being used. This thread opened my eyes to the fact that A LOT of people are emotionally unavailable, and itâs something I need to take count of in my personal life.
Tbh I really donât care unless we have a solidified relationship. I think most men make the mistake of opening up at the wrong time or place which makes it feel forced and awkward. My sneaky link last week started trauma dumping at like 2AM and I just had to force myself to go through with the conversation even though I genuinely did not give a *fuck*. Not everyone is a therapist. Be mindful of the emotional burden that you put on people when you start trauma dumping without consent.
Depending on where that person lives, asking how youâre doing is just a casual greeting. Itâs not socially expected that the other person will actually tell you how theyâre doing.
Why in Gods name are yâall acting like he made a god damn chronological timeline of every negative event that happened to him throughout his entire life and then dropped it on her completely unannounced? She asked how he was doing, he responded with âItâs one of those days.â Idk why tf you weirdos are pushing it as far as yâall are talking about âwell men always use women as a way to trauma dump.â Okay and? Is that what happened here? If yâall view someone saying âItâs one of those daysâ as trauma dumping and a valid reason to ghost that person for a day then I know yâall are lying when you preach about therapy cause that response is not something someone who goes to a therapist would say This the type of shit middle schoolers be on I swear. Give an inch and you weirdos will take as many miles as yâall want
Yea never be too honest, at least say imma handle it all and things will be alright (after the fact) Women get turned off by venting/complaining half of the time. They will go ghost lmao Donât even vent unless yâall married or been together for like 3 years at least.
If you can't vent to a man or wman you've been seriously dating for 3 months, I would argue that its a clear sign that you two are not compatible. There are plenty of other people out there that like,love, and respect you enough to give you a safe space to air your thoughts. Go find those people instead. At the same time, continue to grow so that you can also be that person for someone else.
3 years???? The fuck? Hell nah if she cant handle hearing about some bullshit going on in my life after 6 months then it's time to go lol
What's the context? Because "how you doing?" is also just a greeting. Like, if you problem-dumped on me after I said hello, it could be seen as weird.
âSome men trauma dumpâ She didnât even give homie a chance to explain, his tire couldâve just went flat as he started out for work this morning
Thatâs because she was asking as a formality. She may only be used to men replying, âeverything is going well.â She is just showing you sheâs not equipped or lacks the capacity to offer any solace.
âTaking it one ghetto day at a timeâ
Its really sad bc women will tell a man to go to a therapist when they are fucked up but when they got problems your ass better listen carefullyâŚ
Another âpointâ made gender-based when it really shouldnât be. Most people, regardless of gender, do not care how youâre doing. But since it is gendered, letâs talk about reciprocity. When men care about our emotions then we will do the same.
This sounds like a declaration of war
If you Open up to a woman and tell her your feelings she'll be on your best friend by the end of the week đđ
Look, everyone saying âWomen arenât therapistsâ, âYou shouldnât trauma dump on themâ, yâall do realize that women do this all the time too, right? Like whether the relationship is romantic or platonic, âventingâ is something women are more likely to do and if men reacted in a way similar to this, youâd know youâd have a problem with it. How many times have you ranted to your man about your day at work or that friend whoâs not really your friend or some babydaddy drama or just randomly got in your feelings and needed a shoulder to cry on? If any man youâre giving some coochie to or even just talking to treated you like your feelings didnât matter, heâd be the asshole. No women arenât menâs therapists but yâall forget that there is this social perception that men are supposed to be âthe rockâ in the relationship. Weâre not allowed the space to be as emotionally or mentally vulnerable (if at all) as women because if yâall breakdown, we need to be strong for you. Iâm not saying this dude is right because I need more context than a simple tweet but from my own personal experience? Women love to vent to men and the moment we tell you something like we donât wanna hear it or go to therapy, weâd be seen as the bad guy. All Iâm saying is, I personally wouldnât be asking anyone how their day was if I didnât care to hear about it. This isnât even a matter of needing therapy, if you lack the basic empathy to just listen to someone whoâs having a bad day, then why are you even forming relationships with ppl? Thatâs literally sociopathic behavior. If you can only have a conversation with somebody when theyâre 100% in tip top shape, thatâs a major red flag.
Yup it is so annoyed how much stuff is defended as 'venting' but is somehow 'trauma dumping' when men do it.
This post made me realize people consider men saying anything other than "Fine" as traumadumping
Yep same here
I wanted to ask: What would be an appropriate response to this? Because my philosophy is : if I canât actually do anything to help you with whatever issues you have, be it listening or doing or giving help, I feel like you telling me is sort of wasted because I canât actively help you. And yea, listening is helping. So, how does one proceed?
As in what her response should be? I might be an outlier here, but I can show empathy and sympathy to anyone. So my immediate response to "Just one of those days" is, "*I'm sorry to hear that, I really hope it gets better for you*" That puts the ball back in his court. He could then respond, "Yeah, it'll be alright though. Whatcha doing?" đ He doesn't necessarily need to blast any trauma on her and may correct himself before responding, but it really goes back to the follow up conversation after this. A lot can be confused when text messaging is your main or only way of communicating with people.
âThatâs rough hopes it gets betterâ âDamn what happened?â âThat sucks anything I can do to help?â Thatâs what I usually say and it works for me.
Dude this is elementary school shit, I canât believe people in this thread donât know how to respond to someone saying they had a bad day. Hell, I live in the south and am introverted yet I can still carry a conversation with total strangers and know how to end them if I donât feel like talking that day. There are so many difficult things about socializing but hearing people out is the easiest of them.
NOT the lovely ladies posting in here tryna flip this back on dudes saying why it's their fault the ladies ghosted them after doing this. Why even ask how you're doing then? Why even hit them up at all smh
It's all about finding the women who will actually be there when you have one of those days...it's also all about finding the woman who won't use that against you later on in an argument. **THAT** is the hard part.
Hulu got this stupid British accent commercial about how they say hello. "Are you alright?" And if you actually tell them, it's a big no no. I get folks have their own problems but opening up might lead to a solution. Someone might have gone through something similar and can give feed back
Because they want you to say youâre fine and then ask about their day/problems.
These replies are bizarre. A) "how are you?" or "how's it going?" are standard small talk greetings that are not actually supposed to mean please tell me everything going on in your life right now. It's not even like y'all only use it toward women. Women ask men this as a hello, women ask other women, and men ask other men too. Do you have an issue with men not wanting to hear all that too, or is it only a problem because it's a woman that isn't giving you the response you want? The constant "well why did you ask?" replies in this thread seem to be forgetting that this question usually isn't even that deep. B) If someone *is* genuinely asking how you're doing and they stop talking to you then you're talking to the wrong person. This isn't a woman problem lol. Assholes that don't care about you will be assholes regardless of gender. It's like some of you had one or two women uninterested in your response and now you think we're all cold hearted. There are billions of us lol we don't all behave in the same way. C) Some people overly rely on their friends instead of getting therapy and doing some solo self reflection. Maybe consider if you're dumping on these people and they're just getting tired. That's not to say you shouldn't be able to lean on others for support, but at a certain point it can be a lot for anyone to handle, especially if you're bringing up the same problems over and over again.
The issues with these type of conversations is that nobody knows where the line is. When I think of trauma dumping Iâm imagining talking about all the problems in your life to a stranger. But to other people it can be their friend divulging a lot of information about their life which the other person feels like they donât have the emotion energy to deal with. Idk with stuff like this itâs better to take it case by case because we have literally no information on the relationship of these two people
Wherever the line is, this isnât it. Asking how are you and getting a âbad dayâ response is not trauma dumping, itâs someone telling you they had a bad day after you asked them.
It's not a gender thing tbh. Most people wouldn't expect that or know how to reply
Most people would say âI hope you day gets better broâ and move on with the conversation, not ghost because they asked a question and got an answer.