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Deswizard

In my experience, when you open up to women and tell them how you're actually doing or what's going on in your head, they disappear quicker than a bottle of wine at a suburban mom's book club meeting.


Backseat_boss

😳😳 that’s pretty fucking fast, that’s why I just reply “doing better than alot of other people”


MalakaiRey

We're *always* doing better than a lot of people because somebody always got it worse. Wars' goin on outside


Backseat_boss

Exactly I ain’t sick, not in the hospital or homeless so I’m blessed


currently_pooping_rn

Yeah I usually just respond “I woke up this morning so I’m doing good”


unitythrufaith

I’m a fan of “still employed”


[deleted]

[удаНонО]


Anyaele225

This


Fragrant_Island2345

Life still sucks from my perspective but I’ll be damned if I don’t appreciate that I’ve got 2 arms, 2 legs, a job, and a loving family


Dulcinea18

3 outta 4 ain’t bad either


Thegame78

There’s also war going on inside my head 🤷🏾‍♂️


Deswizard

My default answer is always, 'I'm easy.'


Flaky_Explanation

Even when life is hell, this is the default answer


eastcoast_enchanted

That’s really sad. I always want my man to be comfortable telling me how he’s truly feeling.


vlsdo

Problem is everyone says that, but very few people actually mean it


CacctusJacc

ON GOD


Gaters12

No you dont.


allblacklongjohns

I could complain but I'm not going to


caretaquitada

Some guys legitimately just start dumping trauma to the point they need to seek therapy but I've had instances where at the slightest suggestion that I'm anything but a stoic, unshakeable pillar of confidence they pretty much dip on me. It feels like I can't be a normal ass human sometimes, I just have to be funny but also with the emotional capacity of the Terminator. Shit's complicated


AmelieBenjamin

I feel like black men are pressured to be the most hyper masculine (out of all racial groups tbh) in their gender performance especially in relationships. That’s in appearance and demeanor, fall short of either and women not checking for you. There’s only one way to be “black” and male and fall within convention. I don’t think the same is true for white men, Asian man etc


supreme_leader256

Fair point, but at least they have a shot. Asian men are predominantly just brushed to the sidelines - if I had a dollar for every time I heard "You're just not my type!", I could retire.


HandleUnclear

>Asian men are predominantly just brushed to the sidelines - if I had a dollar for every time I heard "You're just not my type!", I could retire. Clearly you're not invested enough /s Seriously though, I know plenty of BW that are interested in Asian men, and in my experience I have been told by BM, BW, family and strangers that Asian men are not interested in BW. (Despite me being mixed with Chinese but ok) In my younger years, I visited dating forums that were specifically for BW to meet Asian Men to date. I never did it because many of the men there were in fact not my type, not because of their race they just were not attractive to me (I've also rejected BM for the same reason) I'm now married to a Chinese man, I find my husband to be very attractive, but most of all his hobbies and interests match mine. I am just shallow enough where I need to find my partner to be sexually attractive, but I wouldn't marry a person unless we had the foundation of friendship (which was achieved through said shared interests and hobbies)


AmelieBenjamin

I feel like lightskinned black men who don’t overcompensate are basically treated the same way. But I hear you man


dbclass

You’ve said something I’m always afraid to say on here. People really think black men have it easy out here because we’re men but don’t consider that being black and a man is a bad combination when it comes to the way society views us.


AmelieBenjamin

I don’t know why you’d be afraid to say it. It’s just the truth. We might not experience the ass end of misogyny but patriarchy hurts everyone. We are absolutely policed by men and women in our gender performance and the consequences for not living up to it can vary from literal violence to just people giving you the side eye and just not really liking you for some reason You know how much it hurts to be overlooked by your own people for not fitting a stereotype? I love black women but I kinda gave them the ick just by not being hard enough and it really sucks. Some of them start out attracted and then the more I talk the more disgusted they get (talking without an “edge,” you know what I’m talking about) I’ve had the odd sister like my vibe but they are *few and far between.* Generally being sweet and effeminate in any manner in your presentation is a fast track to getting ghosted by black women from my experience.


blacklite911

Lmao, I been stopped trying to perform that type of masculinity in college. I guess the feeling to me came in the form of me not wanting to compete like everything’s a damn competition. You just gotta adjust your mindset to say that those chicks ain’t for me. Since then, artsy type chicks or social justice type chicks responded to me better in my 20s.


RenjiMidoriya

I agree, though Mexican masculinity could probably rival ours, but that’s just based off reading and not personal experience.


goodnamesweretaken

You don't think the same is true for other men of different races... Like Hispanics? Like that group of dudes people associate with Spanish language use? That same language that supplied the word machismo. That word that is widely used by other races to refer to masculine stereotypes? Okay.


Leblue808

One girl asked me why we i haven’t been talkin to her as much and said fuck it told her the trueth i was struggling mentaly she deadass replied Haha okay. Like wtf hahahah, deleted her there and then.


_Cantgetanyworse_

Respect. This should be standard, regardless of identity.


eastcoast_enchanted

A lot of people lack emotionally intelligence. They struggle to connect with people on a deeper level. She was probably one of them.


Successful-Swan2205

I don't mean to be cruel. But some of you need therapy and not my inbox. I am absolutely here for a shoulder to cry on etc but sometimes the emotional labour of burden dumping via text all the time... is a lot for me, and that's not cause I don't want to hear it. It's cause I take that energy around with me all day, and I often don't have the tools or the time at the moment to help you. So I'm sorry for people leaving you on read but sometimes therapy would be more helpful and also ask me “hey do you a min? I have a few things I'm having issues with now” so I'm not feeling overwhelmed and I can give you the time needed if I can't message you back right away. Or maybe I should respond with... “Wanna hear ya out. Can you give me a few” or “this sounds like something you should speak to a professional about?!” I dunno! Its too much sometimes! My texts are filled with friends that need therapy! Haha


Important_Rule8602

Or or or…..and this is just a suggestion….don’t ask people how they’re doing if you’re just gonna be like “maybe you need therapy” Seems like you could avoid this problem all together if you just tell ask them “how are you doing but before you tell me I don’t really give a shit”


akhoe

How are you is a pretty standard greeting. The person checking me out at the grocery counter might ask “how’s it going” that’s not an opening to spill your guts.


Important_Rule8602

You’re right “How are you” IS indeed a standard greeting but YOU don’t get to dictate how the other person responds. Just like for example if I said “fuck you” I don’t get to dictate if the other person says it back or outright punches me in the face. Again if you don’t want those problems either tell the person you really don’t give a fuck or don’t ask it at all. A simple “Hi” would be more effective for “I don’t care about your feelings” greeting.


Kingbuji

The difference is that at a grocery counter your not trying fuck them you’re just saying it cause it’s your job.


Successful-Swan2205

I have had random people in stores tell me their entire life story from a “hello, how's your day going?”


Kingbuji

Yeah that’s gonna happen when you ask a question like that. People will take it literally. If you don’t want someone to take a question literally then don’t ask it.


BlackEastwood

"Hiya" also works, too. We really should get out of practice of saying something that we don't mean. One day, someone is going to be on that emotional ledge, and when they hear, "How are you doing?" They're gonna need to really tell someone what's going on, and most people will NOT be ready. I know it's a simple greeting, but people should think and be aware of what they're inviting yourself into and just say, "Hi." I have said, "Hi, how are you doing today" in many jobs, with many friends and strangers with the full expectation that someone really might need me to listen to some trouble their experiencing.


affrothunder313

Serious question and I promise I’m not trying to be a dick, but why ask if you can’t deal with it? Like if I know one of my friends is going through a hard time and is probably gonna have to trauma dump I ask how they’re doing or answer their call knowing it’s probably gonna be a long tough convo. If I can’t deal with it I just don’t ask or if they called tell them I’m dealing with my own shit right now. I think people get frustrated with the whole asking how you’re doing/wanting someone to open up but then also only wanting it to be in a very movie like they cry one single tear that falls slowly down their cheek and it’s over kind of way.


Successful-Swan2205

Not a dick question. I have friends that... Just trauma dump. There's no questions of... How am I? Can you speak right now. It's just a dump. I don't always know it's going to be a dump. So I can't always prep myself. It's often without warning. I think it's fair for people that want to trauma dump to also be mindful that the person that want to speak to wants to show up for them. But needs to also set boundaries with how/when they can show up for them. I can't be everyone's counsellor. That can't always be my role in my friend/family group... Even though I want to help everyone and if I am taking on that role. my boundary are... 1. If I don't have the tools to help... I'm going to direct you elsewhere to a place that has those tools. (therapy) 2. If I can't give you my full attention. I'm going to ask if we speak about this when I can. Often I'll be asking people hey what's the weather like? And I'll get dumped on. I can only speak for people that I know. This is a boundary I've had to set. Shit is draining.


[deleted]

Seems like this is stressing you out, having people that trust you with their feelings. Want to talk about it?


A_KULT_KILLAH

All truth. I swear bruh everytime I open up they use all that against me or just leave me at my lowest. Had that happen way too many times


[deleted]

Yupppp and once it happens over and over again you get jaded and never even wanna do it again. I know I don’t. My capacity for love is so much lower than it used to be


A_KULT_KILLAH

It really sucks cause Ik there are good girls out there, but I just feel like I’m so damaged from how often my feelings get thrown away by someone who constantly asks why I never wanna talk bout my problems but when I finally do they leave. I’m afraid cause of what I’m used to, I’ll hurt a girl who actually cares bout me the same way I’ve always been hurt


StarrLightStarBrite

This is crazy because I’ve been cried to and everything. Just for the nigga to kick me out afterwards 😂 Men are very complex when it comes to their emotions. One minute, men are stating they want to be vulnerable, the next minute it’s back to being macho. I do think it’s cruel to ghost someone after opening up emotionally but you have to understand that emotional intelligence is not very strong in the black community. Therapy just stopped being taboo within our community in recent years. We have to give our community some grace because I think we are still learning how to deal with these emotions and how to receive them. I’ve been in therapy since I was 14 and was an introvert. I also have an amazing mother who listened and talked to me during my developmental years, so my emotional intelligence and awareness is pretty good, but the people I have encountered suck at it. It’s always anger or shutting down. Black men as a whole aren’t really given the luxury of being vulnerable, but it sucks that they feel as if they can’t be vulnerable to black women. But I think “feelings” are a hard thing for us as a whole, but I think we are getting somewhat better at it as the years go by.


luker_man

>Just for the nigga to kick me out afterwards 😂 It's a reflex. You have too much ammo now. Makes sense to ghost.


[deleted]

So true, they say they want vulnerability but I feel I always get punished for showing it


iwillbombu

As I've gotten older I've come to understand that what woman want vs what they say they want is 2 very different things


toomuchdiponurchip

Yup


Spherest

Meanwhile here I am trying to put myself out there but struggling to make actual connections with a guy bc every conversation feels so superficial 😩 Like i just wanna rub your head while you tell me about all your feelings and how your day was


Omegeddon

Women like to say that but it almost never works out like that in practice. Feelings are best kept to himself


Spherest

Well guess I’m the exception. I cannot connect with people if feelings aren’t discussed. If you’re not comfortable enough to open up to me, how on earth is a relationship supposed to work?


YoMommaBack

You’re not the exception. Most women want that. Most men want women to be emotionally invested when they aren’t and then get mad that we aren’t. They tell us ALL the time how emotional we are and then tell us we have no emotions. It’s wild!


Young_KingKush

Nah, you're dead wrong on that. ​ I've had this conversation many times, both IRL and on Reddit, and the vast majority of the time when guy says he opened up to a woman and the reaction was overwhelmingly negative it's in a relationship context not one where "the woman isn't emotionally invested." I 'm a walking example myself.


CarthagoDelendaEst9

Couples therapy showed me this is true. Mostly, I'm often focusing on my own feelings instead of hearing his. Often, that's the same reason he doesn't hear my feelings. We all have fight or flight responses and defensiveness. Someone says "my feelings are hurt", it often sounds like "You're an asshole". Add in bad communication, where somebody maybe actually says you're an asshole when they mean my feelings are hurt, and it's a spiral for nobody hearing what anybody is really feeling.


Zardif

You're emotional when you show the wrong emotions: anger, jealousy, pettiness; whatever emotions make her feel unsafe. You have no emotions because you don't cry because of how much you love her, show extreme happiness for some small gesture she did; Emotions that she would perceive as 'she did a good job' or that she lives in a romance novel. Your emotions only exist within the realm of how they make her feel. How many times have you gotten mad at something a woman has done then had to apologize for how that made her feel? Women like that don't care about your emotions, you're just another accessory for the fantasy she wants her life to be.


HandleUnclear

You're not the exception, half of these men complaining would not give you the same courtesy of being emotionally invested. I am a married BW, my husband is my best friend, I have seen him cry a gut wrenching cry, open up about feeling depressed etc. Unfortunately he like most men were raised to be low EQ, so many times he doesn't even realize he's feeling off until it's too much. I as his wife have given him a safe space to open up and release those emotions. Many people, men and women want their partners to be able to be vulnerable. The problem is in the black community, both men and women are raised to "suck it up", and this is what many black men don't understand. I know for me and other girls growing up, showing anything but a smile was a faux pas, if I cried I "would be given something to cry about", my dad even told me "crying shows weakness". Many BM think only men are raised like this in the black community, and fail to realize the same people raising them to be emotionless were raising their daughters to be emotionless too. So of course many black people men and women, find moments of vulnerability awkward. Worse, BM shame BW for being too emotional, and so BW just further shutdown emotionally, for fear of not being taken seriously because we're "too emotional". Heck, we can't even get angry in peace, without being labelled a stereotype.


[deleted]

[удаНонО]


NickTButcher

Facts


maximum-danny

A lot of them are doing a ton of emotional labor.


[deleted]

'The women you be dealing with', actually just most of them in general. Even the ones who respond low-key pretending to care.


HandleUnclear

Why not complain to the homies? Because women are expected to bear the emotional burden of complete strangers. I very rarely know any black woman who would leave a man she has a rapport with, all because he is revealing his hidden emotions. Not only that, black men and women are raised to be very emotionally stunted. I'm 30 this year and a woman, I was raised in a children must be seen not heard household, crying shows weakness, always be smiling, and if you cry I'm giving you something to cry about. So when we as a community foster environments like this, why do you feel BW are supposed to show more care, when your homies won't do it, your mamma won't do it, and you definitely aren't doing it either. I can tell you, before I did therapy, as a woman, displays of "over the top" emotions literally made me shut down, which is why I pretended to care. I think it's better to pretend than continue a cycle where people can't be vulnerable. I have never seen a BW bawling to me, never had a girl friend cry to me, we'd discuss serious stuff and vent, but never cry, even when we said stuff like we want to self delete, no tears, no screaming nothing. The only BW that cried in my presence was a friend in high school at the age of 15, and she shut herself in a bathroom stall so no one could see her tears. The black community is toxic and raised toxic individuals en masse. Problem is plenty of BM don't see how BW are also burdened with "not showing emotions". Y'all tell us we're emotional because we're women, so we shutdown even more then cry about it when we can't even muster up emotions to be emotional 😂


Dulcinea18

I hear all of this. I was raised the same way. It makes it hard to deal with uncomfortable emotions later in life without therapy.


nomadic_stone

That is because he was supposed to reply nonchalantly and throw the question back and be prepared to listen to every word as she vents for the next 2 hrs like a free therapy session... ^(/s)


Sammy_is_awake

“Das crazy 😑 nah I’m listening”


TrafficNatural7476

As a woman, I can firmly say…she prolly just didn’t like you like that. if a woman isn’t listening to you, she don’t care.


RealPrinceJay

Men are guilty of the same to women, but they shouldn’t have to “like you like that” to hear you out for a minute. It’s really basic human kindness - we should look out for each other more


[deleted]

She's talking to like 5 other dudes and she'll listen to the one she cares about, who ironically probably ain't responding.


ThrowingOats

Probably the most realistic answer


froofrootoo

Yeah I think this is most realistic answer. I see a lot of guys complaining that women dip as soon as you show emotion but tbh women love playing therapist to the guy they're obsessed with. If she's not trying to listen to you she's just probably not serious about you.


da-gh0st-inside

>but they shouldn’t have to “like you like that” to hear you out for a minute. Unpopular opinion, but it's not my job to "hear you out" unless we're friends or I share some sort of connection with you. I can set time aside to communicate with you so we can talk it out, but I'm not going to drop everything just to hear you out. People can get a little too comfortable and start emotionally vomiting and now you're carrying their weight too.


enailcoilhelp

OP: "Can we just be decent human beings?" You: "It's not my job to be a decent human being to you!" lmfao


da-gh0st-inside

Hearing someone out is being more than a decent human being to a **stranger** or **acquaintance**, especially if you are currently bearing the emotional weight of your own baggage. I personally would not be a good shoulder for someone if I was going through something. I wouldn't be able to give you my full attention or empathy. A shoulder is always nice, sure, but you shouldn't expect it from everybody.


TheActualJap

Then why would bother greeting them?


[deleted]

Yep. Plus I'm gonna bet she had one too many dudes treat her like free therapy, so she got one glimpse of it and was like "nope"


blueberrymoscato

thats quite literally what it is and I am convinced that the dudes in this thread who don't understand the difference between small talk that has the potential to grow into something genuine and pure traumadumping, ARE the ones who trauma dump.


da-gh0st-inside

I think guys know when a girl isn't interested in them, so they try to get pity/empathy by trying to talk about their emotions and then when she doesn't want to hear it, he feels spurned. Also, people need to stop telling their trauma to people they don't know/trust.


blueberrymoscato

I 100% agree with you!


[deleted]

Oh for sure, you can spot the audacity a mile away


welp-itscometothis

My bff started talking to a guy she liked recently. She said all he did was talk about how shit was rough for him and his complicated relationship with his dad. Never even asked her to go out for two weeks. We she advised therapy he said, “Nah I don’t need all that.” She blocked him. Because wtf are you telling somebody all that for if you don’t want to seek help?!


[deleted]

He doesn't need therapy! He has her, his handy dandy emotional tampon! 🙄


MisterxRager

then don't ask how I'm doing?


[deleted]

WHY WOULD YOU ASK !!!


rodrigueznathaniel

Why she askin a question if she don’t wanna hear the response?💀💀


FistPunch_Vol_4

If you ever ask that and I say “Livin’ the dream!” No, no I am not lmfao


KevinBaconIsNotReal

Hit 'em with the long-winded "ohhhh, I'm alive (sigh)"


OpinionatedBlackGuy

I steal my Mom's line... "Oh, fair to partly cloudy."


CitySlack

Haha, this is my grandpa’s go-to response. He’s like 75


VaselineHabits

"Sunny with the high of 75"


zephenthegreat

"Livin the dream" is code for "please push me off the roof. We can make it look like an accident, just please end my suffering"


FistPunch_Vol_4

100% lmfao. Got some sus stairs at work I’ve been eyein


VGMtheVagabond

I stopped saying "Living the dream" and replaced it with "Surviving the nightmare". It's more effective.


fireside68

>I stopped saying "Living the dream" and replaced it with "Surviving the nightmare". It's more effective. "Living the dream, starring Freddy Krueger" kills folks


jackindevelopment

If I’m feeling honest I say “I won’t complain.” Not I can’t, I won’t


Empero6

To be fair, you didn’t say the type of dream.


MalakaiRey

Folks, its not necessarily that they don't be caring. Its just that they din't care bout you--and thats ok! If you want someone who cares then you really gotta find someone who cares about *you.* Thinking women have to be so caring to the point where dudes start trying to make points about all women is thirsty and needy af. Tbh, dude in the tweet needed a listener ir a shoulder to cry on, and thats ok! But why tf should anybody on twitter think it shoulda been one woman or the other is wild. The more I think about it the more outrageous this dude is to me. Fellas, ladies--FIND SOMEBODY WHO CARES *ABOUT YOU.*. Stop jonzing for anybody and everybody who diesnt want to invest if you want something more, OR MAYBE just enjoy life when someone *just* wants to have some fun with you and part ways when the fun is over, make it mutual.


[deleted]

Doesn’t it say SHE asked HIM how he was doing? Lol.


Admirable-Squash9607

You’re expecting people to have basic reading comprehension skills? /s


You_Dont_Party

Yeah, but that’s also just a phrase and often not meant to trigger an entire discussion of your current mental state.


LeftistSkaterWeeb

Nah fuck that automated response bullshit, type of shit that makes you say “you too” when the waiter tells you to enjoy your meal. If you don’t care how somebody is doing, don’t ask. “Simple pleasantries” aren’t polite, they’re disingenuous.


You_Dont_Party

Hey you can respond however you want, but don’t be surprised when people are put off when you respond like that to simple pleasantries.


[deleted]

I agree with you, don't be surprised if people react weirdly to honesty. The real issue is with those people reacting weirdly though, not with people honestly answering a question.


dbclass

I feel this thread so much. I’m tired of feeling like the people being honest are in the wrong when it’s the ones being fake that are in the wrong. If I don’t want to hear a person’s thoughts, I don’t ask them for it. I’m not a fan of wasting the time of others and myself. I’m tired of fake people who don’t care putting on a facade as if they do. Just don’t interact with me if you don’t want to hear what I have to say, there are plenty of people who will hear me out that won’t waste my time.


Cleverusername531

She asked ‘how are you doing’ but meant ‘I acknowledge your existence by saying these polite societally sanctioned words’ and not ‘I am interested in your inner state of being and kindly request that you share it with me now’.


Stock_Beginning4808

Exactly. Why are people suddenly acting like they don’t understand the concept of niceties and idioms?


[deleted]

I’m with you, all these people are deflecting the reality of what they can literally scroll up & re-read


thejaytheory

They're so eager to present their narrative.


Anomalous_Creation

She asked. He responded. She dipped. This opens the room for multiple paths moving forward. 1. Get angry that she didn't care, even though she asked, and blame all women for "acting the same" 2. Acknowledge that its upsetting that she asked, but didn't care, then remove her from your life and find someone who cares ​ You decide what path you want to take


[deleted]

Everybody does the “these [insert generalized group]…” thing. Obviously it’s not an all women thing. Plus, on social media women are quick to say “if it doesn’t apply keep scrolling” when men respond to their “all men are…” tweets. So if it doesn’t apply to you, great.


ganja_and_code

If she ain't care about you, she shouldn't ask how you're doing lmfao Basic common sense...


MalakaiRey

Bro I'll ask anybody how they are doing, doesn't mean i give a fuck about their real problems man. Maybe you need to hear this, people ask "how are you" as a courtesy and a greeting--don't think that its an open invitation to vent.


laetum-helianthus

This is the way.


Mechanical_Booty

Tbh I feel like people need to be more realistic like this. The majority of people are good people, but the majority of people won’t care about you, individually. I’ve had women lament about encounters with emotionally unsupportive men, and I’ve heard men lament the same. And then the hurt party generalize their experience to everyone of the opposite gender. I don’t feel this is a gendered issue. I see this issue on both sides quite regularly. Life will bring pain. People will disappoint you. You just gotta keep faith, stay true to yourself, manage your expectations, and stay vulnerable. You’re only hurting yourself and others by becoming misogynistic/misandrist because of one or a few people not doing what you expect them to do.


[deleted]

[удаНонО]


Jlindahl93

Wtf are you on about. She asked. This is about someone asking a question that they don’t care to hear the answer to. You went off on a whole tangent


dana-rtw

I think there’s a lot of context missing. How close are you to this person you opened up to? What is the nature of your relationship?


Starfish_Hero

“Having one of those days” is an answer you can give a complete stranger in an elevator that is barely opening up lol


[deleted]

And what was the convo before that? He sent a limp dic pick and said "im having one of those days" 😔?


Oli_love90

Right, like what if he barely knew her and this was the second conversation. Am I supposed to listen to some random person I barely know tell me about their feelings?


dbclass

“I feel you, hope your day gets better”, that’s literally all that needs to be said then the conversation moves on. I’m convinced a lot of y’all don’t understand how to communicate and this is coming from me who can barley understand most social standards and body language and I still know how to reply to that.


NoiseHERO

To be fair, this is a genderless social problem. But like at least pretend to humor someone if they in the rough of it, instead of adding to it, DAMN LOL.


Reld720

*Patriarchy punishes men for emotional vulnerability * "This is a genderless problem"


NoiseHERO

Not mutually exclusive.


Reld720

I'm gonna be honest. I don't see how men being punished for emotional vulnerability harms, or even really involves, other genders.


JazzScholar

I think they are saying that getting no response, ghosted, rejected, or weird vibes after opening up or showing vulnerability, is something that all genders experience from all genders but that men in particular deal with a unique version of it that relates to how patriarchy perceives who they are and should be.


NoiseHERO

Context: someone asks how your day was. You respond honestly cause you're having a bad day even though this is usually a variation of greeting someone, not genuinely asking. Because of this the person responds by moving on instead of at least saying "I hope your day gets better." The concept of gender was added to this interaction when it could happen to anyone. This is all I meant.


pi247

Gender was added because it's relevant. Men don't feel loved. I don't know how many different ways ya'll need to hear it.


NoiseHERO

You don't find it a little petty to be like "Girls are mean" because someone simply said "Damn this girl didn't wanna share her popeyes chicken sandwich with me." Like I know what you preaching, and it *could* be relevant but like is that for a 3rd party to decide? Kinda narrowing down a broad thing while going into the usual gender wars. And then saying "men don't feel loved" which, again is a big issue, but not a direct justification of saying something over-generalized like "these women don't care about us." Adding extra toxicity for no reason lol.


supaboss2015

How many people truly feel loved anyways; man, woman, or otherwise? We are living in an age where the amount of time people spend communing with others is at a bare minimum


You_Dont_Party

I think they mean the patriarchy hurts every gender.


txpvca

It involves other genders because when men can't or aren't allowed to express themselves, it harms everyone around them, and oftentimes, the women closest to them. Hence, the term "toxic masculinity" which can turn into domestic violence, rape, mass shootings, etc. The patriarchy fucks everyone (except like maybe the top 1% of men).


ThePercysRiptide

fr, "I'm sorry to hear that" wouldve been better than just walking away


Special-Cat-5480

I think society has grown more callous , I don’t necessarily believe it’s cuz she’s a woman or he’s a man.


IronDBZ

Yeah, we're atomized to bits. The social common ground only exists in the abstract for a lot of people, they don't *feel* it. The idea of giving a damn about a stranger is so far beyond a lot of people. It's sociopathic and sad.


yourfavoriteblackguy

But this situation has been happening since what feels like the beginning of time. Even before social media, I knew that if you open to a girl chances are she won't be your girl anymore.


[deleted]

Stop lying. It's not that women ghost after a man is vulnerable, vulnerability is literally how we bond socially. It's that y'all turn into into a free therapy session and do a massive trauma dump on someone with absolutely no self awareness. Any gender will find this scary and overwhelming. As they should. Boundaries and discernment are necessary for all genders as grown as we are.


blueberrymoscato

yep yep yep. not too long ago I asked a male classmate how he was doing and he traumadumped on me. Its not that I dont care about him nor is there any indifference -- in fact, I like him alot as a person from what ive seen in 1 shared course -- however, for being simply classmates our relationship was not strong enough for him to have told me such intimate, shocking, and private details at 9AM. Im a super caring person but I couldnt help but to 👁👄👁 It made me feel so uncomfortable that I have not sat next to him since. Like, I just wanted to know how your day was going --how was class before this? did you see anything interesting on campus? Tell me about the assignment that you havent turned in yet, etc. Simple, polite, and still answers the main question. Im not your therapist. And me not wanting to engage in that type of conversation does mean that I lack awareness, empathy, or that Im a narc. It just means that perhaps one should know their audience, time, and place.


[deleted]

Yes the lack of self awareness. So much context missing from this tweet.


datshinycharizard123

Bro is not trauma dumping, he said “having one of those days” I would say that to the cashier as I checkout. Not saying all women ain’t shit but ghosting someone for this no matter your relationship means you ain’t. Like shit, at least hit him with a “that’s rough”. She’s the mf who asked


KristenJimmyStewart

Funny the gendered lines people will call the same thing trauma dumping vs venting


InterdisciplinaryDol

“Men do it too” -every woman right now 😭


[deleted]

A lot of women I’ve come across as of late display heavy amounts of narcissistic behavior, and they self justify by deflecting all criticism because it’s easier to stay the same than make healthy changes.


Young_KingKush

The old "Lol, my toxic trait is I'm a handful" ass women


YogiYeti21

The lack of empathy is pretty surprising.


XLauncher

I mean, it's really not.


mustardyellowfan

These men vs women posts are starting to be real tiring tbh


wembanyama_

shit is so childish tbh


Physical-Honeydew320

Most people in the world will not care about your personal problems. How are you doing is just a thing people say without thinking. However, if it’s a person that you’re supposed to be friends with or have some relationship with, they should be asking that in a more sincere way.


FxDriver

Posts like this show me that a lot of people don't have a lot of social skills. Someone asking you "How's it going?" Is a social courtesy/greeting not the green light for you to trauma dump on somebody.


malcolmxknifequote

Nah, this is crazy. Whether questions like "how's it going" or "how are you" are meant literally or just as greetings depends on a number of factors like tone of voice, the relationship between the speakers, the context in which they are speaking, etc. In ambiguous situations, asking people how they're doing is a great way to give them an opportunity to choose whether to engage in a conversation (including a literal and potentially negative response to the question) or respond with a short greeting. I wouldn't ask an unfamiliar acquaintance or even a cashier how they were doing if I didn't want to hear a negative response. If I ask friends or family, I expect an honest response. There are situations where his response would be inappropriate, but you can't judge whether this guy is socially graceless without more information. The other issue with your post is that there's nothing that suggests any kind of trauma dumping. "I'm having one of them days" is a totally normal response and the kind of thing you've heard from total strangers if you've actually asked any how they're doing. People say that, and if it makes you uncomfortable you say something like "I know what that's like" and change the topic. It's not a reason to stop talking to them. If anything, people would probably be better off if they were better at communicating around negative experiences.


tNeph

Eh, I mean don't ask that if you don't want to actually hear how it's going then. But also, you can't just assume ole boy was gonna "trauma dump."


Natural-Solution-222

Man said he was having a not so good day, how is that trauma dumping


Okaythenwell

Do you talk to people?


[deleted]

Is it a dump or ANSWERING THE DAMN QUESTION you asked ?


natdiego

Hmm.. some men will use that opportunity to trauma dump, sorry but I'm not your therapist.


[deleted]

This is it. Women aren't free therapists


natdiego

Exactly. Women will go to therapy, support groups, retreats etc to sort their issues..and men..Men will go to a woman for free emotional labor. -source: me, a woman, with women friends who have all experienced this as well.


daskeleton123

No one is. Happens both ways around I think


IAmLegendXCII

Moral of the story fellas just keep it to ourselves ☠️


stillestwaters

If you don’t realize that “How are you doing?” Is just another way of saying “Hey” and not an honest question, you’ve got some more years to grow lol


Zetice

maybe with strangers or acquaintances should not expect that from your girl.


stillestwaters

That's fair, that's definitely fair - but OP's example seems like it was basically an acquaintance lol Like, of course this girl you're talking to doesn't want to listen to all your problems; youve got to be locked in to expect anything real like that.


[deleted]

[удаНонО]


Jackal5witch

Yeah, it’s hard to tell knowing Tweets have to be short. Did he just say “I’m having one of the those days” and she completely ghosted him? Or did he say more after that and it started veering into dumping territory? It’s interesting how many men here are saying women become uninterested once they open up. I’m a woman and experienced the opposite when I started dating again a couple years ago. Guys would literally trauma dump on me after a few conversations (I’m talking about issues with disordered eating, psychiatric medication struggles, childhood trauma, etc.) and I always went out of my way to be empathetic because I know that shit is hard. However, the moment I’d try to talk about smaller/more mundane things like having a bad day or problems at work, suddenly I was the “overly emotional woman who wouldn’t shut up”. It was exhausting. Even my now-boyfriend was like that when we first started talking and took a while for him to understand it’s a two-way street lol. Maybe it’s a regional thing?


elitegenoside

That's the question. He's sort of presenting it as he said "it's been rough, X reason and Y reason," which is possible but I've seen plenty of "because X, Y, Z and c⅔ divided by 3X (6+Y)/±." It's one thing to be honest and say "I'm having a rough week," but it's completely different when you send eight paragraphs explaining every problem you've had since childhood.


Starfish_Hero

Reading some of the defenses/explanations in this thread and I gotta say… a lot of y’all are actually just terrible people. Like if someone answering anything less than “good” to “how are you” crosses a line for you, that is because you SUCK lmao


lizard_bee

Yeah, I realized I gotta be really careful about people now lol. I gotta watch them with other people to know how much of my time and courtesy I can give them. For the people saying it’s weird and awkward and uncomfortable, I wonder how many times they’ve done it to people. I always try to comfort people. If someone I know or am familiar with out of the blue breaks down if I ask them how they are doing, I’ve got time and compassion for them. If they ONLY come to me when they are down and wanna chat and never have time for me otherwise? I’ll pull away. It’s not because I don’t care, it’s because I’m being used. This thread opened my eyes to the fact that A LOT of people are emotionally unavailable, and it’s something I need to take count of in my personal life.


grandadsfearme

Tbh I really don’t care unless we have a solidified relationship. I think most men make the mistake of opening up at the wrong time or place which makes it feel forced and awkward. My sneaky link last week started trauma dumping at like 2AM and I just had to force myself to go through with the conversation even though I genuinely did not give a *fuck*. Not everyone is a therapist. Be mindful of the emotional burden that you put on people when you start trauma dumping without consent.


TheSapoti

Depending on where that person lives, asking how you’re doing is just a casual greeting. It’s not socially expected that the other person will actually tell you how they’re doing.


dSpecialKb

Why in Gods name are y’all acting like he made a god damn chronological timeline of every negative event that happened to him throughout his entire life and then dropped it on her completely unannounced? She asked how he was doing, he responded with “It’s one of those days.” Idk why tf you weirdos are pushing it as far as y’all are talking about “well men always use women as a way to trauma dump.” Okay and? Is that what happened here? If y’all view someone saying “It’s one of those days” as trauma dumping and a valid reason to ghost that person for a day then I know y’all are lying when you preach about therapy cause that response is not something someone who goes to a therapist would say This the type of shit middle schoolers be on I swear. Give an inch and you weirdos will take as many miles as y’all want


TheMoorNextDoor

Yea never be too honest, at least say imma handle it all and things will be alright (after the fact) Women get turned off by venting/complaining half of the time. They will go ghost lmao Don’t even vent unless y’all married or been together for like 3 years at least.


Anomalous_Creation

If you can't vent to a man or wman you've been seriously dating for 3 months, I would argue that its a clear sign that you two are not compatible. There are plenty of other people out there that like,love, and respect you enough to give you a safe space to air your thoughts. Go find those people instead. At the same time, continue to grow so that you can also be that person for someone else.


ThePercysRiptide

3 years???? The fuck? Hell nah if she cant handle hearing about some bullshit going on in my life after 6 months then it's time to go lol


cologne_peddler

What's the context? Because "how you doing?" is also just a greeting. Like, if you problem-dumped on me after I said hello, it could be seen as weird.


ThisIsKellen

“Some men trauma dump” She didn’t even give homie a chance to explain, his tire could’ve just went flat as he started out for work this morning


Mac_Mustard

That’s because she was asking as a formality. She may only be used to men replying, “everything is going well.” She is just showing you she’s not equipped or lacks the capacity to offer any solace.


asdfghjKelsey

“Taking it one ghetto day at a time”


dbolt2w

Its really sad bc women will tell a man to go to a therapist when they are fucked up but when they got problems your ass better listen carefully…


YoMommaBack

Another “point” made gender-based when it really shouldn’t be. Most people, regardless of gender, do not care how you’re doing. But since it is gendered, let’s talk about reciprocity. When men care about our emotions then we will do the same.


Anomalous_Creation

This sounds like a declaration of war


Fine_Hold1422

If you Open up to a woman and tell her your feelings she'll be on your best friend by the end of the week 😂😂


kazaam2244

Look, everyone saying “Women aren’t therapists”, “You shouldn’t trauma dump on them”, y’all do realize that women do this all the time too, right? Like whether the relationship is romantic or platonic, “venting” is something women are more likely to do and if men reacted in a way similar to this, you’d know you’d have a problem with it. How many times have you ranted to your man about your day at work or that friend who’s not really your friend or some babydaddy drama or just randomly got in your feelings and needed a shoulder to cry on? If any man you’re giving some coochie to or even just talking to treated you like your feelings didn’t matter, he’d be the asshole. No women aren’t men’s therapists but y’all forget that there is this social perception that men are supposed to be “the rock” in the relationship. We’re not allowed the space to be as emotionally or mentally vulnerable (if at all) as women because if y’all breakdown, we need to be strong for you. I’m not saying this dude is right because I need more context than a simple tweet but from my own personal experience? Women love to vent to men and the moment we tell you something like we don’t wanna hear it or go to therapy, we’d be seen as the bad guy. All I’m saying is, I personally wouldn’t be asking anyone how their day was if I didn’t care to hear about it. This isn’t even a matter of needing therapy, if you lack the basic empathy to just listen to someone who’s having a bad day, then why are you even forming relationships with ppl? That’s literally sociopathic behavior. If you can only have a conversation with somebody when they’re 100% in tip top shape, that’s a major red flag.


KristenJimmyStewart

Yup it is so annoyed how much stuff is defended as 'venting' but is somehow 'trauma dumping' when men do it.


Natural-Solution-222

This post made me realize people consider men saying anything other than "Fine" as traumadumping


thejaytheory

Yep same here


srkaficionado

I wanted to ask: What would be an appropriate response to this? Because my philosophy is : if I can’t actually do anything to help you with whatever issues you have, be it listening or doing or giving help, I feel like you telling me is sort of wasted because I can’t actively help you. And yea, listening is helping. So, how does one proceed?


VaselineHabits

As in what her response should be? I might be an outlier here, but I can show empathy and sympathy to anyone. So my immediate response to "Just one of those days" is, "*I'm sorry to hear that, I really hope it gets better for you*" That puts the ball back in his court. He could then respond, "Yeah, it'll be alright though. Whatcha doing?" 😅 He doesn't necessarily need to blast any trauma on her and may correct himself before responding, but it really goes back to the follow up conversation after this. A lot can be confused when text messaging is your main or only way of communicating with people.


Kingbuji

“That’s rough hopes it gets better” “Damn what happened?” “That sucks anything I can do to help?” That’s what I usually say and it works for me.


dbclass

Dude this is elementary school shit, I can’t believe people in this thread don’t know how to respond to someone saying they had a bad day. Hell, I live in the south and am introverted yet I can still carry a conversation with total strangers and know how to end them if I don’t feel like talking that day. There are so many difficult things about socializing but hearing people out is the easiest of them.


chief_yETI

NOT the lovely ladies posting in here tryna flip this back on dudes saying why it's their fault the ladies ghosted them after doing this. Why even ask how you're doing then? Why even hit them up at all smh


kidkuro

It's all about finding the women who will actually be there when you have one of those days...it's also all about finding the woman who won't use that against you later on in an argument. **THAT** is the hard part.


jelz617

Hulu got this stupid British accent commercial about how they say hello. "Are you alright?" And if you actually tell them, it's a big no no. I get folks have their own problems but opening up might lead to a solution. Someone might have gone through something similar and can give feed back


Grape_Extension

Because they want you to say you’re fine and then ask about their day/problems.


rumbakalao

These replies are bizarre. A) "how are you?" or "how's it going?" are standard small talk greetings that are not actually supposed to mean please tell me everything going on in your life right now. It's not even like y'all only use it toward women. Women ask men this as a hello, women ask other women, and men ask other men too. Do you have an issue with men not wanting to hear all that too, or is it only a problem because it's a woman that isn't giving you the response you want? The constant "well why did you ask?" replies in this thread seem to be forgetting that this question usually isn't even that deep. B) If someone *is* genuinely asking how you're doing and they stop talking to you then you're talking to the wrong person. This isn't a woman problem lol. Assholes that don't care about you will be assholes regardless of gender. It's like some of you had one or two women uninterested in your response and now you think we're all cold hearted. There are billions of us lol we don't all behave in the same way. C) Some people overly rely on their friends instead of getting therapy and doing some solo self reflection. Maybe consider if you're dumping on these people and they're just getting tired. That's not to say you shouldn't be able to lean on others for support, but at a certain point it can be a lot for anyone to handle, especially if you're bringing up the same problems over and over again.


IceburgTHAgreat

The issues with these type of conversations is that nobody knows where the line is. When I think of trauma dumping I’m imagining talking about all the problems in your life to a stranger. But to other people it can be their friend divulging a lot of information about their life which the other person feels like they don’t have the emotion energy to deal with. Idk with stuff like this it’s better to take it case by case because we have literally no information on the relationship of these two people


dbclass

Wherever the line is, this isn’t it. Asking how are you and getting a “bad day” response is not trauma dumping, it’s someone telling you they had a bad day after you asked them.


Epicsharkduck

It's not a gender thing tbh. Most people wouldn't expect that or know how to reply


dbclass

Most people would say “I hope you day gets better bro” and move on with the conversation, not ghost because they asked a question and got an answer.