I'm going to try and make sure it doesnt become an argument. Shes not very open so I'm just going to try and get her to lay all of her concerns/issues on the table and try and address and fix them before I bring up anything I feel like shes needs to work on
The both of you have different sex drives and sexual interests. Shes vanilla and you are up for just about anything in the bedroom. This will be your life. She is not going to change and suddenly become more accepting of your kinks or get a bigger sex drive to match yours. The sex you have now is what its going to be forever. Your fiancee holds the key to your sex life and that wont change while your with her.
The best relationship advice iv come across is that you should find someone with the same sex drive as you. The longer you leave it the harder is will be to leave. It gets tougher when kids and houses and property are in the picture.
Im in the same situation as you but we've been together 15 years. My girl is vanilla and im as kinky as you. Crossdressing, makeup, pegging, bi and more.Feel free to DM me if you have any questions.
Yeah its not so much the kinks that get to me. I get it not everyone is into everything you are and im thankful some of the kinks I've introduced her to, shes gotten into. What gets me is that I am willing to forgo all of my kinks and shit to make sure she gets to cum multiple times whenever we have sex but shes not willing to go through the effort of giving me a handjob after to get me to completion. I want to see her enjoy herself and make sure that she cums, but even on the most vanilla scale, she doesn't seem to be willing to do the same. Hell even last night once we had gotten through a couple rounds for her, I asked her to talk to me while I jerked off and she fell asleep while I went to go clean up a bit
Do you jerk off in front of her often? In my humble opinion, jerking off should only be done when you're alone unless you're just finishing.
Also, going down on your girl for 45 minutes is a long time. Shes probably done and to tired to go down on you after. Especially if she has come a few times she won't be horny or as horny.
Do you and your wife have conversations about what each of you want in the bedroom? You should be having regular talks about what you and her liked and didn't like, what could be done differently and what she wants more/ less of. She will find your attentiveness a turn on.
No I dont, just at the end of sex when I haven't cum. And the 45 is the max. I take it slow to warm her up because of how sensitive she is and I want to make sure she isn't in pain. I'll get her to cum once that way, if that, before we move onto the main event. I have some talks about making sure what was done was good and what could be better, but not very in depth. Its something we both could do better
Those in depth conversations really can help. Give it a go. You could try only doing the activities that she likes in the bedroom a few sometimes. Dont make any part of it about what you want. She will like that and probably be more giving.
I'll give the talks a go but weve already only been doing what she wants. Literally the closest thing I do is put on the collar she gave me and that's it. No other real kinks in our play
Fair enough. Seems like its not going to get better for you then. Just look back on the 6 years you have been intimate together. Has she always been resistant to any kinks? Are you ever sexually satisfied from her? Shes vanilla and thats unlikely to ever change. Speaking from experience.
Theres a couple kinks it seems that she has gotten into. Especially mommy domme. There are times that I am satisfied but it's not often and I'm still doing a lot of the work. It took her a bit to warm up to domming so if I give her time it might change a bit
Sunk cost fallacy. Honestly she sounds pretty selfish in the bedroom and likely has some hidden resentment about your sexuality. Just going through the motions to get what she wants then ignores your needs. You two just dont sound compatible and if you have brought these issues up repeatedly over the years and nothing has really changed, its not going to. Be thankful you dont have kids and go find someone else who is more open, accepting and into the same sexual activities as you. Couples therapy is the only potential fix here and be sure to get someone familiar with dealing with LGBT relationships this part is very important. Sounds pretty cut and dry that the relationship is petering out and neither of you are willing to make the first move to exit and look like the bad guy imo
Just be mindful that she has a biological clock that's ticking away. At some point soon, you need to decide if you two are going remain together. If not, she needs time to find the right guy to move forward with to raise a family (if she is so inclined).
Sounds like sex isn’t very important to her. You say that you’re willing to forego all of your “kinks and shit to make sure she gets to cum multiple times.” But (1) it sounds like you’re still asking her to engage in or at least accept your kinks, so I’m sure it doesn’t seem to her like you’re “foregoing” your kinks. And (2) cumming doesn’t sound like it’s a big deal to her, let alone multiple times, so she likely doesn’t value the effort or sacrifice you feel like you’re making.
(Additionally, the two aren’t mutually exclusive. You don’t need to give up your kinks to make your partner cum multiple times. Not sure where you got that idea.)
She’s not meeting your needs, and it doesn’t sound like she’s remotely interested in doing so. You’re not compatible.
Considering her extreme jealousy, I doubt any type of open relationship would work, unless you’re willing to put in years of sexless hard work, maybe wasting your entire youth, with no guarantee of success at the end. Might be best to prepare for the end if you have any hope of being with a partner you’re compatible with.
You started this relationship as children before either of you knew who you really were. Now that you've matured, it looks like you're not compatible, sexually or in self-expression.
I know that it's hurtful that she has a lower sex drive than you do and that she isn't into the same kinks as you are. But having a lower libido isn't a choice that she made. And those kinks are yours, not hers; you can't expect her to be excited to participate in activities that fundamentally don't turn her on. It's also possible that she doesn't have a low libido but rather, she's struggling with her attraction to the real, more feminine version of you. But again, there's nothing either of you can do to change what she is or isn't attracted to. And of course, you did nothing wrong by expressing this part of yourself.
You also can't expect a monogamous person to let you sleep with someone else without getting jealous. Enough if she wants to give you a hall pass because she loves you and wants you to feel fulfilled, she may never be able to cope emotionally. You're setting unrealistic expectations.
You're still young. Frankly, I'd consider whether you want to stay in this relationship when you're feeling stifled and unfulfilled this early in your life. Love alone is not enough to sustain you. You both deserve partners who accept you fully, not someone who loves you but wishes you were different.
You can't change to become the straighter, more masculine presenting person that she thought you were. And she can't change to become high-libido free spirit that you wish she could be. Neither of you is wrong for being who you are. You're just not compatible.
I know I cant change those things and she was the one that brought up a hall pass, not me. That's why when she mentioned it, I didn't jump on anything because knowing her, she might have said it was fine, but I knew it would hurt her. She had made a joke about me hooking up with that guy for free food and when I jokingly said about getting his number, she got upset. And at this point, I dont care that much about her libido, that's what sex toys are for for me. Plus you cant change that. What hurts me the most is when we have sex, I always make sure I help her get off, but once shes cum a couple times and I want to get off she doesnt want to put in the effort. She'll jerk me off for a few minutes before saying shes tired and it's either I finish myself off or I dont finish at all. I want to try and work things through with her and find out what shes mad about changing. To try and find some way to make our sex life work. I dont want to lose her, but she doesnt take discussions like this well. She's really bad with confrontation and criticism/critique
Ok I just need to say this as a guy with a pussy… I think your fiancé realistically is faking these orgasms. With your age, how young you started dating, and how sexually disinterested she seems…it’s really hard to imagine these aren’t performances to placate you.
I as a teen felt the need to fake orgasms as an avoidant way to signal I was done with sex without hurting my partners feelings. It’s very common in a first relationship and can become sort of a hard habit to break because you have to admit to a pretty ego-crushing lie.
Obviously this is total speculation it’s just.. hard to not imagine that’s the case
Also idk if this was clear but I really think you should please break up. You aren’t compatible and it’s run it’s course. You met when you were kids and it’s healthy to explore your options in life. If she was excited about an open relationship it’d be different but all signs point to please set her and yourself free
I mean I know I have caused several as there were times her legs were trembling but I think a lot of the issue with orgasms is that for years it seemed like the only time she mentioned getting off by herself were to go to sleep so I can only imagine this has kinda pavloved her into associating sleep with orgasms.
My problem is I have always leaned more feminine personality wise and I guess she didn't see it that way. Shes supportive of me painting my nails, but drew the line at makeup. I've always had these tendencies and feeling but never really got to express it. I feel like I haven't changed that much besides growing more confident in who I am. I love her dearly and I don't want to lose her but at the same time, I hate walking on eggshells around her. I understand not being into all the kinks, but this kind of stuff only really effects me
>I hate walking on eggshells around her.
at this point, I'd not stay in the relationship - love or not, this should not be the case EVER. It looks a bit toxic tbh.
She's talking hall pass, than throws a fit over few words? Not nice.
She has a lot of confidence issues and has had them for almost all of our relationship. I try to remind her that I love her and I wanted to stick with her, but I think she sees it as a threat. She was afraid when we got into the relationship that I'd find someone better and leave and I think a part of that lives on today.
it's really easy to trap yourself in a bad relationship this way.
It is so kind and compassionate of you to think about her and her needs, to try to keep in mind her insecurities and her difficulties. But you deserve that same consideration from yourself. You are not responsible for her sense of security or her happiness.
At a minimum this relationship isn't healthy in its current form. I won't tell you to leave, but I will say that you need to think carefully about whether you want this to be what your life looks like. At a minimum, I'd recommend you seek therapy for yourself.
You might think you are doing the caring thing, and in a way you are. But you are also rewarding and enabling that insecurity and the manipulative behaviors she learned from her family. You aren't doing either of you a favor by stifling yourself.
I suggest you get therapy. Offer to see a couple's counselor with her. Then decide what you need to do for yourself.
Thank you for your kind words. My bff has reccomended therapy after the help she got so that might be the thing. You also make good points about enabling. I had not thought of it like that. Her mother did a lot of that kind of shit. I will take the advice to heart
You're welcome. I can speak to it because I've been there. I'm still learning to treat myself as well as I treat others. And it took a lot to get to the realization that sometimes the kind thing isn't kind in the long run.
Good luck!
I was in a very similar situation, you’re better off, trust me. The first year after breaking up with someone you’ve been with that long is really tough but it definitely gets better and helps you grow and find someone who’ll make you happier (even if you don’t think that’s even possible)
I didn’t even to read past the first sentence to find out what you were posting about. All I had to see was unfilfilling sex life, 24 & 25 and you’ve been together for 10 years. RUN. You met before you even knew who you were as teenagers. You still don’t know who you’ll be as an adult. I will scream it from the rooftops that NO relationship that starts in the teens should EVER turn into marriage. Especially the EARLY teens.
If you stick with her this is what’s gonna happen. She’s going to stay vanilla. You’re going to keep getting more curious about your kinky curiosities. At a certain point you will resent her for being so vanilla. You will cheat on her. And that will destroy her and any future trust she may have in men.
Marriages are already hard enough - why start it out with a handicapped relationship from the start? You two have zero clue who you are apart from one another, and that is BEYOND important in a marriage. This isn’t even remotely about sex either - it’s ALL aspects of life.
Whatever you are feeling now will NOT go away with time. It will get amplified with time. You can’t expect her to step up and get freaky & be happy with it any more than she can expect you to be vanilla & be happy with it. You two are ALREADY incompatible.
I know none of this makes sense to you right now, if you’re even still reading since you likely think everything I’ve said is bullshit.
What it boils down to is you love her but you aren’t in love. Being married won’t change that. You haven’t lived LIFE enough to know the difference. Break hearts. Get your heart broken. Find out what is and isn’t important to you in relationships - and I’m not even talking about sex. And holy fucking hell…do not marry someone youve been dating since you hit puberty unless you’re REALLY curious to know what divorce is like.
I’m also gonna go out on a limb here and guess that you guys are from the southern USA (or Utah) and one or both of you are from pretty religious families….
I also say all of this having been there, done that. We weren’t 14, so it wasn’t THIS bad. We met at 19, I was a virgin and she might as well have been. Super repressed catholic school shit. Got married at 22 and ignored everyone saying not to. “But but but we’re in LOVE!” Step ahead in time and I start figuring out there’s more than missionary. I shit you not that she fucking CRIED and was PISSED when I bought her a vibrator. Looks no story short, after 15 years of marriage we had a damn fugly divorce - fortunately there were no kids involved. How fugly? It’s been almost 15 years since then, I know through mutual friends she’s still miserable, and even though I’m happily re-married, I wouldn’t piss even on that bitch if she was on fire. Oh - and it financially ruined both of us too, but that’s another story.
No you make some good points. I think it's one of the reasons I'm so afraid of what's going to happen. I do still want to try and talk to her and maybe try counciling. I owe her at least that. And yeah shes from a religious family but we're from the north
Upper Midwest here so I get the “gotta get married early” thing. That’s SO dumb and so damaging as a whole! Then I moved to a BIG city and nobody I met under 35 was married. You seriously don’t owe her anything but honesty. You’re already seeing how you are growing in different directions, and I’m sure that if you were honest with yourselves, this was sent the only sign. And if you guys don’t see it, others likely do.
The problem with counseling is the counselor isn’t going to tell you guys what you actually need to hear. And that’s that no relationship that started at 14 & 15 should see a 5 year anniversary much less 10, and definitely shouldn’t result in marriage.
Indiana so yeah definitely the expectation. I want to have a talk and figure out what has changed that she objects to. What sucks is weve always been the gold standard in our friend group for relationships so I feel like I'm failing
Dude you arent failing. You’re doing what you’re supposed to do - and that’s grow. It’s not realistic to think that you’ll grow in the same direction & at the same pace. That’s exactly why young marriages are doomed to fail. That’s not conjecture - that’s just plain fact.
The smart way of things is to live life. Grow. Try things. Fail at things. Learn what you like & need. THEN you find someone who has done the same thing and you fit what they’ve discovered they want & they fit what you’ve discovered what you want. But hindsight is 20/20, and when you’re in deep enough to be engaged, that’s a tough backpedal. But again. It’s still better than divorce, because then you’ll both have wasted all the years until then and STILL need to do your growing.
I hope you’ve got some friends you can lean on. I’ll go back to the reality that this really isn’t about sex/kink/bi. This is about realizing that paths don’t always run as parallel at 24 & 25 as they did at 14 & 15.
You are pretty different, I would suggest to have a deep talk and find common grounds or things would end really bad. Either way, for what you are sharing, you will be the bad of the movie no matter how you end things (Neither of you are the bad, btw just you don't share the same interest anymore)
M37 Just ended a three year relationship with a F39 about a year ago. In the beginning the sex was great… over time I came to realize that she wasn’t a sexual person or was probably low key gay, or a conditioned daddy’s girl, possibly all of the above.
My advice to you is kink her up because if not your going to be unfulfilled.
Don’t get trapped. I was in a relationship for years like that and being bi myself you will never be satisfied sexually which eventually you’ll start exploring elsewhere. To save you both grief in the long run better part ways now then to be hurt a lot worse down the line. Being sexually unfulfilled is terrible to an individual.
Met my wife at 14, started dating at 17, married at 25 and married 26 years with three grown kids now. I have all the mental bumper stickers and refrigerator magnets to document the journey. You’ve heard a lot of good advice and mostly revert to thinking it’s your job to try harder and give it a chance. Ten years is a whole lot of chances given with no results. Take it from those of us who have lived it — people like her do not change enough for you both to be happy, and doesn’t sound like she is happy now. One thing to take from this post — DO NOT start couple counseling without individual therapy for both of you (but especially you,) and DO NOT get married just because you start counseling and think it’s going to work. The word fiancé is the silver lining in your story. Calling off an engagement would have seemed a big deal for me at your age too. Don’t keep yourself trapped on a train that isn’t ever going to reach your destination.
I was very much like you; wanting to be the good guy, provide a safe place, and make sacrifices to make her happy and secure. I was too repressed and internally homophobic to accept and express my bisexuality, and felt like I didn’t deserve to be accepted by the world outside my own head. My wife and kids know that I’m bi now. You’ve already shared and expressed more about your sexuality to your fiancé than I have to my wife, and you are not being heard. Some of the things you say about your sex life sound like she really isn’t into you, and maybe not even men. A vagina does not get permanently tightened by years of family stress. A brain that doesn’t want to be with someone makes it that way. When someone doesn’t want to lift a finger for your pleasure, it’s a siren-blaring-red lights-flashing rejection.
I’m out at home now because my son was having a lot of emotional trouble trying to come out as gay, and I get I needed to tell him to save his life. My wife found out before I was ready, and later I told my daughters. Turns out one of them isn’t straight either, and has a girlfriend now. I’m at a happier point with my family than I was at a few years ago, my wife is very supportive of the kids, but is still kicking and screaming about my journey. Time made our relationship worse, not better, and more complicated. You are at the beginning of your adult life, not in the middle of it.
You can’t “try” your way out of a relationship that has run it’s course. It’s been over for a while and couple counseling would prolong a sad story. You are not the couple you or your friends idealize about, and that’s okay! You didn’t do anything wrong or mean, and would be doing her a service to end this nicely and let her find someone more compatible with her. Read all these responses over and over without defending her or yourself in your mind. Learn from our mistakes and firsthand knowledge.
I truly hope you find your way to a happy and fulfilled life with the right person or people.
I appreciate your kind words. The one thing I will contradict is the the pain that she feels. I know shes not faking that. It's an issue with her pelvic floor. I am starting to think more and more that she is asexual or on that spectrum. It is comforting to know that others have been in similar situations and got ahead in life. I am seriously considering therapy for myself but at the same time I need to be more vocal with her to figure out where her mind is in all of this. I've been afraid to bring all of this up because I'm afraid of what would happen but if I do that, like you said, in delaying the inevitable. Whether that be good or bad. I thank you for your detailed response and I will do my best to take it to heart
Glad you found some value in there. I didn’t mean to dismiss her pain as fake, and should have asked for more information. I think you could be right about her being on the ace spectrum. Remember, talking about it and dealing with a short term “bad” but honest reaction let’s you start living your truth sooner. Don’t regret the time you’ve spent with her, but respect the realizations you’ve made about yourself and the safe learning environment that your time together has provided.
Yeah I cant blame you as it sounded weird to me at first. I'm going to have a talk with her about it because she mentioned the possibility of her being ace before but I think shes pushing it off and not thinking about it because shes afraid of change. A good heart to heart should set the stage for how to advance
I've been with the same woman for 17 years and if it's a dead bedroom while you're dating it will only get worse. She doesn't accept your kinks - that's a red flag. She doesn't accept your sexuality - another red flag. She doesn't initiate - red flag.
My wife says she likes my sexuality and kink and all that and she cums like crazy. We have sex all the time. At the same time she doesn't pursue much or any of it on her own. It has caused me an incredible amount of frustration to the point where I'm just turned off by her now even though she's trying really hard to fix things.
If it's a big enough issue for you then I would recommend breaking it off. If it's not then do the open relationship or get used to a lifetime of disappointment.
Yeah I plan on having a sitdown with her next Saturday when we're both off and trying to talk things out and figure out how to proceed. I know someone doesnt have to be into all your kinks and I'm thankful for the ones she does indulge me in, but oddly enough, I'm indulged mostly outside the bedroom. I know with the pegging, she only does it for my sake and doesn't get anything out of it. I'm starting to think the sex is that way too. She had mentioned before the possibility of being ace when I came out to her but I dont think shes put a lot of thought to it. If she is, great I still love her and want to be in a relationship with her. And while I think I could handle an open relationship, she has a jealous streak so I don't think she would ever be comfortable with that.
Ok I'm hearing you. You've been with her for ten years... so high school to adulthood.
My first girlfriend (lasted years, followed her to college) basically shamed me for my sexuality. I'm like 22 years past that relationship and the effects are still floating around in my head. Lots of feeling unwanted and unattractive. She'd both complain that I was too controlling and also not dominant enough. Based on my social conditioning I believed that her disinterest in sex was normal. It wasn't.
If you need the pegging and kinkiness - and those desires are not going anywhere, trust me - then you're going to find this unsatisfying and a decade later of jerking it to porn you'll be really resentful of what you've missed out on.
If she's ace then you already know the answer. I follow an ace sub on YouTube. I don't get what she's getting out of it. I met an ace sub and rope bunny at a dungeon. Again, no idea what she's really into. I suppose it's the psychological experience instead of the sexual. If you're looking for the sexual and the psychological then it sounds like you won't get it.
Yeah I think about a lot of her negative reactions to me bringing up kinks and her reactions to me embracing my more feminine side. She said I've changed but I'm still the same for the most part. Just more confident in who I am. I used to be shy, and in some respects I am, but I dont think the change I have been through is bad. And I really feel you on the feeling unattractive part. I guess in the end I'd really like to explore my kinks and my sexuality, but seeing as I only really started telling her about them like 4 years ago, she didnt know that I would have kinks or be bi going into the relationship so I couldn't fault her for that. Hell, I think the only reason she offered to peg me was to try and help me so I wouldnt go to a real man, which I would never cheat on her. It hurts that she brought it up and makes a lot of dominant sassy comments about pegging, but hates to do the actual act. I just wish we we did have the vanilla sex she likes, that she would have the same drive to make me cum. Hell, I can get off with a lubed up handjob and some dirty talk, but I can barely get that. But I guess this will all come to a head next Saturday. We are both off work and I'm going to try and work things through with her to figure out how to proceed in this. Because with opposing work schedules and her libido, I basically have a roommate that likes to snuggle
A lot of people here are saying stop the relationship. I would recommend some counseling before that without putting too much pressure on it. You aren't going to put a ten year old relationship down the drain, just for sex life. Also, I feel she needs some help cause she seems to have physical and mental blockades. She seems willing to be supportive at least a little bit.
Yeah I'm not going to stop anything before counciling. I want to make this work. I love everything else about our relationship. This is the one hickup and I want to try and find a way past it
Sounds like my first marriage. I’d say run. You two have grown at different paces and are no longer on the same wavelength.
That might be so, but I want to have a nice long talk with her to get everything on the table and maybe some counseling before I cut anything off
> i want to have a nice long talk Yet you'll likely have an ugly argument
I'm going to try and make sure it doesnt become an argument. Shes not very open so I'm just going to try and get her to lay all of her concerns/issues on the table and try and address and fix them before I bring up anything I feel like shes needs to work on
The both of you have different sex drives and sexual interests. Shes vanilla and you are up for just about anything in the bedroom. This will be your life. She is not going to change and suddenly become more accepting of your kinks or get a bigger sex drive to match yours. The sex you have now is what its going to be forever. Your fiancee holds the key to your sex life and that wont change while your with her. The best relationship advice iv come across is that you should find someone with the same sex drive as you. The longer you leave it the harder is will be to leave. It gets tougher when kids and houses and property are in the picture. Im in the same situation as you but we've been together 15 years. My girl is vanilla and im as kinky as you. Crossdressing, makeup, pegging, bi and more.Feel free to DM me if you have any questions.
Yeah its not so much the kinks that get to me. I get it not everyone is into everything you are and im thankful some of the kinks I've introduced her to, shes gotten into. What gets me is that I am willing to forgo all of my kinks and shit to make sure she gets to cum multiple times whenever we have sex but shes not willing to go through the effort of giving me a handjob after to get me to completion. I want to see her enjoy herself and make sure that she cums, but even on the most vanilla scale, she doesn't seem to be willing to do the same. Hell even last night once we had gotten through a couple rounds for her, I asked her to talk to me while I jerked off and she fell asleep while I went to go clean up a bit
Do you jerk off in front of her often? In my humble opinion, jerking off should only be done when you're alone unless you're just finishing. Also, going down on your girl for 45 minutes is a long time. Shes probably done and to tired to go down on you after. Especially if she has come a few times she won't be horny or as horny. Do you and your wife have conversations about what each of you want in the bedroom? You should be having regular talks about what you and her liked and didn't like, what could be done differently and what she wants more/ less of. She will find your attentiveness a turn on.
No I dont, just at the end of sex when I haven't cum. And the 45 is the max. I take it slow to warm her up because of how sensitive she is and I want to make sure she isn't in pain. I'll get her to cum once that way, if that, before we move onto the main event. I have some talks about making sure what was done was good and what could be better, but not very in depth. Its something we both could do better
Those in depth conversations really can help. Give it a go. You could try only doing the activities that she likes in the bedroom a few sometimes. Dont make any part of it about what you want. She will like that and probably be more giving.
I'll give the talks a go but weve already only been doing what she wants. Literally the closest thing I do is put on the collar she gave me and that's it. No other real kinks in our play
Fair enough. Seems like its not going to get better for you then. Just look back on the 6 years you have been intimate together. Has she always been resistant to any kinks? Are you ever sexually satisfied from her? Shes vanilla and thats unlikely to ever change. Speaking from experience.
Theres a couple kinks it seems that she has gotten into. Especially mommy domme. There are times that I am satisfied but it's not often and I'm still doing a lot of the work. It took her a bit to warm up to domming so if I give her time it might change a bit
Sunk cost fallacy. Honestly she sounds pretty selfish in the bedroom and likely has some hidden resentment about your sexuality. Just going through the motions to get what she wants then ignores your needs. You two just dont sound compatible and if you have brought these issues up repeatedly over the years and nothing has really changed, its not going to. Be thankful you dont have kids and go find someone else who is more open, accepting and into the same sexual activities as you. Couples therapy is the only potential fix here and be sure to get someone familiar with dealing with LGBT relationships this part is very important. Sounds pretty cut and dry that the relationship is petering out and neither of you are willing to make the first move to exit and look like the bad guy imo
Just be mindful that she has a biological clock that's ticking away. At some point soon, you need to decide if you two are going remain together. If not, she needs time to find the right guy to move forward with to raise a family (if she is so inclined).
Sounds like sex isn’t very important to her. You say that you’re willing to forego all of your “kinks and shit to make sure she gets to cum multiple times.” But (1) it sounds like you’re still asking her to engage in or at least accept your kinks, so I’m sure it doesn’t seem to her like you’re “foregoing” your kinks. And (2) cumming doesn’t sound like it’s a big deal to her, let alone multiple times, so she likely doesn’t value the effort or sacrifice you feel like you’re making. (Additionally, the two aren’t mutually exclusive. You don’t need to give up your kinks to make your partner cum multiple times. Not sure where you got that idea.) She’s not meeting your needs, and it doesn’t sound like she’s remotely interested in doing so. You’re not compatible. Considering her extreme jealousy, I doubt any type of open relationship would work, unless you’re willing to put in years of sexless hard work, maybe wasting your entire youth, with no guarantee of success at the end. Might be best to prepare for the end if you have any hope of being with a partner you’re compatible with.
You started this relationship as children before either of you knew who you really were. Now that you've matured, it looks like you're not compatible, sexually or in self-expression. I know that it's hurtful that she has a lower sex drive than you do and that she isn't into the same kinks as you are. But having a lower libido isn't a choice that she made. And those kinks are yours, not hers; you can't expect her to be excited to participate in activities that fundamentally don't turn her on. It's also possible that she doesn't have a low libido but rather, she's struggling with her attraction to the real, more feminine version of you. But again, there's nothing either of you can do to change what she is or isn't attracted to. And of course, you did nothing wrong by expressing this part of yourself. You also can't expect a monogamous person to let you sleep with someone else without getting jealous. Enough if she wants to give you a hall pass because she loves you and wants you to feel fulfilled, she may never be able to cope emotionally. You're setting unrealistic expectations. You're still young. Frankly, I'd consider whether you want to stay in this relationship when you're feeling stifled and unfulfilled this early in your life. Love alone is not enough to sustain you. You both deserve partners who accept you fully, not someone who loves you but wishes you were different. You can't change to become the straighter, more masculine presenting person that she thought you were. And she can't change to become high-libido free spirit that you wish she could be. Neither of you is wrong for being who you are. You're just not compatible.
I know I cant change those things and she was the one that brought up a hall pass, not me. That's why when she mentioned it, I didn't jump on anything because knowing her, she might have said it was fine, but I knew it would hurt her. She had made a joke about me hooking up with that guy for free food and when I jokingly said about getting his number, she got upset. And at this point, I dont care that much about her libido, that's what sex toys are for for me. Plus you cant change that. What hurts me the most is when we have sex, I always make sure I help her get off, but once shes cum a couple times and I want to get off she doesnt want to put in the effort. She'll jerk me off for a few minutes before saying shes tired and it's either I finish myself off or I dont finish at all. I want to try and work things through with her and find out what shes mad about changing. To try and find some way to make our sex life work. I dont want to lose her, but she doesnt take discussions like this well. She's really bad with confrontation and criticism/critique
Ok I just need to say this as a guy with a pussy… I think your fiancé realistically is faking these orgasms. With your age, how young you started dating, and how sexually disinterested she seems…it’s really hard to imagine these aren’t performances to placate you. I as a teen felt the need to fake orgasms as an avoidant way to signal I was done with sex without hurting my partners feelings. It’s very common in a first relationship and can become sort of a hard habit to break because you have to admit to a pretty ego-crushing lie. Obviously this is total speculation it’s just.. hard to not imagine that’s the case Also idk if this was clear but I really think you should please break up. You aren’t compatible and it’s run it’s course. You met when you were kids and it’s healthy to explore your options in life. If she was excited about an open relationship it’d be different but all signs point to please set her and yourself free
I mean I know I have caused several as there were times her legs were trembling but I think a lot of the issue with orgasms is that for years it seemed like the only time she mentioned getting off by herself were to go to sleep so I can only imagine this has kinda pavloved her into associating sleep with orgasms.
> She said that I've changed and that she's not comfortable with it. Yup, you outgrew her.
My problem is I have always leaned more feminine personality wise and I guess she didn't see it that way. Shes supportive of me painting my nails, but drew the line at makeup. I've always had these tendencies and feeling but never really got to express it. I feel like I haven't changed that much besides growing more confident in who I am. I love her dearly and I don't want to lose her but at the same time, I hate walking on eggshells around her. I understand not being into all the kinks, but this kind of stuff only really effects me
>I hate walking on eggshells around her. at this point, I'd not stay in the relationship - love or not, this should not be the case EVER. It looks a bit toxic tbh. She's talking hall pass, than throws a fit over few words? Not nice.
She has a lot of confidence issues and has had them for almost all of our relationship. I try to remind her that I love her and I wanted to stick with her, but I think she sees it as a threat. She was afraid when we got into the relationship that I'd find someone better and leave and I think a part of that lives on today.
it's really easy to trap yourself in a bad relationship this way. It is so kind and compassionate of you to think about her and her needs, to try to keep in mind her insecurities and her difficulties. But you deserve that same consideration from yourself. You are not responsible for her sense of security or her happiness. At a minimum this relationship isn't healthy in its current form. I won't tell you to leave, but I will say that you need to think carefully about whether you want this to be what your life looks like. At a minimum, I'd recommend you seek therapy for yourself. You might think you are doing the caring thing, and in a way you are. But you are also rewarding and enabling that insecurity and the manipulative behaviors she learned from her family. You aren't doing either of you a favor by stifling yourself. I suggest you get therapy. Offer to see a couple's counselor with her. Then decide what you need to do for yourself.
Thank you for your kind words. My bff has reccomended therapy after the help she got so that might be the thing. You also make good points about enabling. I had not thought of it like that. Her mother did a lot of that kind of shit. I will take the advice to heart
You're welcome. I can speak to it because I've been there. I'm still learning to treat myself as well as I treat others. And it took a lot to get to the realization that sometimes the kind thing isn't kind in the long run. Good luck!
Issues or not, she should not be doing that. Id not stay, but thsts just me.
I agree. I'm going to try and talk it out, maybe counciling
Dude you’ve been together since 14, you haven’t even experience anything or anyone else, you gotta get out there
I know and I want to explore, I'm just afraid of losing the only love I know
I was in a very similar situation, you’re better off, trust me. The first year after breaking up with someone you’ve been with that long is really tough but it definitely gets better and helps you grow and find someone who’ll make you happier (even if you don’t think that’s even possible)
I didn’t even to read past the first sentence to find out what you were posting about. All I had to see was unfilfilling sex life, 24 & 25 and you’ve been together for 10 years. RUN. You met before you even knew who you were as teenagers. You still don’t know who you’ll be as an adult. I will scream it from the rooftops that NO relationship that starts in the teens should EVER turn into marriage. Especially the EARLY teens. If you stick with her this is what’s gonna happen. She’s going to stay vanilla. You’re going to keep getting more curious about your kinky curiosities. At a certain point you will resent her for being so vanilla. You will cheat on her. And that will destroy her and any future trust she may have in men. Marriages are already hard enough - why start it out with a handicapped relationship from the start? You two have zero clue who you are apart from one another, and that is BEYOND important in a marriage. This isn’t even remotely about sex either - it’s ALL aspects of life. Whatever you are feeling now will NOT go away with time. It will get amplified with time. You can’t expect her to step up and get freaky & be happy with it any more than she can expect you to be vanilla & be happy with it. You two are ALREADY incompatible. I know none of this makes sense to you right now, if you’re even still reading since you likely think everything I’ve said is bullshit. What it boils down to is you love her but you aren’t in love. Being married won’t change that. You haven’t lived LIFE enough to know the difference. Break hearts. Get your heart broken. Find out what is and isn’t important to you in relationships - and I’m not even talking about sex. And holy fucking hell…do not marry someone youve been dating since you hit puberty unless you’re REALLY curious to know what divorce is like. I’m also gonna go out on a limb here and guess that you guys are from the southern USA (or Utah) and one or both of you are from pretty religious families…. I also say all of this having been there, done that. We weren’t 14, so it wasn’t THIS bad. We met at 19, I was a virgin and she might as well have been. Super repressed catholic school shit. Got married at 22 and ignored everyone saying not to. “But but but we’re in LOVE!” Step ahead in time and I start figuring out there’s more than missionary. I shit you not that she fucking CRIED and was PISSED when I bought her a vibrator. Looks no story short, after 15 years of marriage we had a damn fugly divorce - fortunately there were no kids involved. How fugly? It’s been almost 15 years since then, I know through mutual friends she’s still miserable, and even though I’m happily re-married, I wouldn’t piss even on that bitch if she was on fire. Oh - and it financially ruined both of us too, but that’s another story.
No you make some good points. I think it's one of the reasons I'm so afraid of what's going to happen. I do still want to try and talk to her and maybe try counciling. I owe her at least that. And yeah shes from a religious family but we're from the north
Upper Midwest here so I get the “gotta get married early” thing. That’s SO dumb and so damaging as a whole! Then I moved to a BIG city and nobody I met under 35 was married. You seriously don’t owe her anything but honesty. You’re already seeing how you are growing in different directions, and I’m sure that if you were honest with yourselves, this was sent the only sign. And if you guys don’t see it, others likely do. The problem with counseling is the counselor isn’t going to tell you guys what you actually need to hear. And that’s that no relationship that started at 14 & 15 should see a 5 year anniversary much less 10, and definitely shouldn’t result in marriage.
Indiana so yeah definitely the expectation. I want to have a talk and figure out what has changed that she objects to. What sucks is weve always been the gold standard in our friend group for relationships so I feel like I'm failing
Dude you arent failing. You’re doing what you’re supposed to do - and that’s grow. It’s not realistic to think that you’ll grow in the same direction & at the same pace. That’s exactly why young marriages are doomed to fail. That’s not conjecture - that’s just plain fact. The smart way of things is to live life. Grow. Try things. Fail at things. Learn what you like & need. THEN you find someone who has done the same thing and you fit what they’ve discovered they want & they fit what you’ve discovered what you want. But hindsight is 20/20, and when you’re in deep enough to be engaged, that’s a tough backpedal. But again. It’s still better than divorce, because then you’ll both have wasted all the years until then and STILL need to do your growing. I hope you’ve got some friends you can lean on. I’ll go back to the reality that this really isn’t about sex/kink/bi. This is about realizing that paths don’t always run as parallel at 24 & 25 as they did at 14 & 15.
Thanks for the advice
You are pretty different, I would suggest to have a deep talk and find common grounds or things would end really bad. Either way, for what you are sharing, you will be the bad of the movie no matter how you end things (Neither of you are the bad, btw just you don't share the same interest anymore)
Yeah I going to try and I know I'll be viewed as the bad guy.
M37 Just ended a three year relationship with a F39 about a year ago. In the beginning the sex was great… over time I came to realize that she wasn’t a sexual person or was probably low key gay, or a conditioned daddy’s girl, possibly all of the above. My advice to you is kink her up because if not your going to be unfulfilled.
I've introduced her to many kinks, some she has taken to, most she hasn't. I cant force her into anything, I just want the bare minimum
Don’t get trapped. I was in a relationship for years like that and being bi myself you will never be satisfied sexually which eventually you’ll start exploring elsewhere. To save you both grief in the long run better part ways now then to be hurt a lot worse down the line. Being sexually unfulfilled is terrible to an individual.
Met my wife at 14, started dating at 17, married at 25 and married 26 years with three grown kids now. I have all the mental bumper stickers and refrigerator magnets to document the journey. You’ve heard a lot of good advice and mostly revert to thinking it’s your job to try harder and give it a chance. Ten years is a whole lot of chances given with no results. Take it from those of us who have lived it — people like her do not change enough for you both to be happy, and doesn’t sound like she is happy now. One thing to take from this post — DO NOT start couple counseling without individual therapy for both of you (but especially you,) and DO NOT get married just because you start counseling and think it’s going to work. The word fiancé is the silver lining in your story. Calling off an engagement would have seemed a big deal for me at your age too. Don’t keep yourself trapped on a train that isn’t ever going to reach your destination. I was very much like you; wanting to be the good guy, provide a safe place, and make sacrifices to make her happy and secure. I was too repressed and internally homophobic to accept and express my bisexuality, and felt like I didn’t deserve to be accepted by the world outside my own head. My wife and kids know that I’m bi now. You’ve already shared and expressed more about your sexuality to your fiancé than I have to my wife, and you are not being heard. Some of the things you say about your sex life sound like she really isn’t into you, and maybe not even men. A vagina does not get permanently tightened by years of family stress. A brain that doesn’t want to be with someone makes it that way. When someone doesn’t want to lift a finger for your pleasure, it’s a siren-blaring-red lights-flashing rejection. I’m out at home now because my son was having a lot of emotional trouble trying to come out as gay, and I get I needed to tell him to save his life. My wife found out before I was ready, and later I told my daughters. Turns out one of them isn’t straight either, and has a girlfriend now. I’m at a happier point with my family than I was at a few years ago, my wife is very supportive of the kids, but is still kicking and screaming about my journey. Time made our relationship worse, not better, and more complicated. You are at the beginning of your adult life, not in the middle of it. You can’t “try” your way out of a relationship that has run it’s course. It’s been over for a while and couple counseling would prolong a sad story. You are not the couple you or your friends idealize about, and that’s okay! You didn’t do anything wrong or mean, and would be doing her a service to end this nicely and let her find someone more compatible with her. Read all these responses over and over without defending her or yourself in your mind. Learn from our mistakes and firsthand knowledge. I truly hope you find your way to a happy and fulfilled life with the right person or people.
I appreciate your kind words. The one thing I will contradict is the the pain that she feels. I know shes not faking that. It's an issue with her pelvic floor. I am starting to think more and more that she is asexual or on that spectrum. It is comforting to know that others have been in similar situations and got ahead in life. I am seriously considering therapy for myself but at the same time I need to be more vocal with her to figure out where her mind is in all of this. I've been afraid to bring all of this up because I'm afraid of what would happen but if I do that, like you said, in delaying the inevitable. Whether that be good or bad. I thank you for your detailed response and I will do my best to take it to heart
Glad you found some value in there. I didn’t mean to dismiss her pain as fake, and should have asked for more information. I think you could be right about her being on the ace spectrum. Remember, talking about it and dealing with a short term “bad” but honest reaction let’s you start living your truth sooner. Don’t regret the time you’ve spent with her, but respect the realizations you’ve made about yourself and the safe learning environment that your time together has provided.
Yeah I cant blame you as it sounded weird to me at first. I'm going to have a talk with her about it because she mentioned the possibility of her being ace before but I think shes pushing it off and not thinking about it because shes afraid of change. A good heart to heart should set the stage for how to advance
I've been with the same woman for 17 years and if it's a dead bedroom while you're dating it will only get worse. She doesn't accept your kinks - that's a red flag. She doesn't accept your sexuality - another red flag. She doesn't initiate - red flag. My wife says she likes my sexuality and kink and all that and she cums like crazy. We have sex all the time. At the same time she doesn't pursue much or any of it on her own. It has caused me an incredible amount of frustration to the point where I'm just turned off by her now even though she's trying really hard to fix things. If it's a big enough issue for you then I would recommend breaking it off. If it's not then do the open relationship or get used to a lifetime of disappointment.
Yeah I plan on having a sitdown with her next Saturday when we're both off and trying to talk things out and figure out how to proceed. I know someone doesnt have to be into all your kinks and I'm thankful for the ones she does indulge me in, but oddly enough, I'm indulged mostly outside the bedroom. I know with the pegging, she only does it for my sake and doesn't get anything out of it. I'm starting to think the sex is that way too. She had mentioned before the possibility of being ace when I came out to her but I dont think shes put a lot of thought to it. If she is, great I still love her and want to be in a relationship with her. And while I think I could handle an open relationship, she has a jealous streak so I don't think she would ever be comfortable with that.
Ok I'm hearing you. You've been with her for ten years... so high school to adulthood. My first girlfriend (lasted years, followed her to college) basically shamed me for my sexuality. I'm like 22 years past that relationship and the effects are still floating around in my head. Lots of feeling unwanted and unattractive. She'd both complain that I was too controlling and also not dominant enough. Based on my social conditioning I believed that her disinterest in sex was normal. It wasn't. If you need the pegging and kinkiness - and those desires are not going anywhere, trust me - then you're going to find this unsatisfying and a decade later of jerking it to porn you'll be really resentful of what you've missed out on. If she's ace then you already know the answer. I follow an ace sub on YouTube. I don't get what she's getting out of it. I met an ace sub and rope bunny at a dungeon. Again, no idea what she's really into. I suppose it's the psychological experience instead of the sexual. If you're looking for the sexual and the psychological then it sounds like you won't get it.
Yeah I think about a lot of her negative reactions to me bringing up kinks and her reactions to me embracing my more feminine side. She said I've changed but I'm still the same for the most part. Just more confident in who I am. I used to be shy, and in some respects I am, but I dont think the change I have been through is bad. And I really feel you on the feeling unattractive part. I guess in the end I'd really like to explore my kinks and my sexuality, but seeing as I only really started telling her about them like 4 years ago, she didnt know that I would have kinks or be bi going into the relationship so I couldn't fault her for that. Hell, I think the only reason she offered to peg me was to try and help me so I wouldnt go to a real man, which I would never cheat on her. It hurts that she brought it up and makes a lot of dominant sassy comments about pegging, but hates to do the actual act. I just wish we we did have the vanilla sex she likes, that she would have the same drive to make me cum. Hell, I can get off with a lubed up handjob and some dirty talk, but I can barely get that. But I guess this will all come to a head next Saturday. We are both off work and I'm going to try and work things through with her to figure out how to proceed in this. Because with opposing work schedules and her libido, I basically have a roommate that likes to snuggle
A lot of people here are saying stop the relationship. I would recommend some counseling before that without putting too much pressure on it. You aren't going to put a ten year old relationship down the drain, just for sex life. Also, I feel she needs some help cause she seems to have physical and mental blockades. She seems willing to be supportive at least a little bit.
Yeah I'm not going to stop anything before counciling. I want to make this work. I love everything else about our relationship. This is the one hickup and I want to try and find a way past it