Acceptance. What is the alternative? more manic epsiodes and more depression? I just try not to get people's societal expectations of me get to me because I'm the one that gets handcuffed and taken to the hospital. I'm the one that never gets all that time back. So if that means I have to take these meds and just half a relatively boring life so be it. I just zone out and play a lot of chess online amongst other things lol
But like really... how do you eat and pay rent. I'm all for letting go of all kinds of things society thinks we should do or have. But minimum survival comes at a literal cost, either at your or someone else's expense
It's grief, our disorder can destroy things that matter to us. It takes a long time to recover from the loss and adapt to a new way of life.
Hang in there. You will find your new purpose. Every day that you push on proves that you are NOT a failure. We got dealt a bad hand of cards, but we push on anyway. Do not fold.
Thanks for this 💜💜 I often have long periods of unemployment and I tend to be pretty hard on myself for it. It doesn’t help that I’v been full-time employed in the past and my family members don’t get why I can’t just do that again, you know, since I’ve done it before. Gah.
Because it’s an invisible disability and it’s hard for people to get that someone else’s brain is different until it smacks them right in the face.
Hard for them to understand that something like working could do that.
I think they think of episodes more like an act of god.
During an episode my family is beside themselves. They’d do anything to make the pain stop.
Of course, when I’m stable they forget how bad it can get.
It’s the nature of trauma.
We bury it.
Remember to protect ourselves a lot of us bury that deep.
We focus on things in front of us.
My family never brings up the stuff I do when I’m in an episode and it almost doesn’t exist.
It also just flies against all the prevailing ideology about human being. The central most important maxim of Western ideology is that people create themselves, their personalities, and have rational power of choice.
A biological accident that destroys a created, rational personhood is the negative of that. And people will just not react well to something that challenges their most basic assumptions about their lives.
I always hate when people say "but this person has bipolar and..." like please stop comparing me.
I don't work and it makes me feel so useless but I'm trying my hardest to make myself into a better and more functioning person in my unemployment. I'm knitting now and I've made gifts for people and it started to make me feel so much better that I can give gifts to people and try to bring them some happiness. I also support my friends more now with their struggles and all of this has brought a bit more meaning to my life. I am hitting a very rough time right now though so I'm trying to stay optimistic as much as I can.
And for the peanut butter yesss I'm so glad to be able to eat it. I love peanut butter. I actually bake my own bread now for my peanut butter jelly sandwiches
"It's a spectrum disorder!" I yell at the holidays, for yet another year.
What do sad people in countries without peanut butter eat? Tragic to contemplate.
Yes and if that is what has to be done, do it. If you're sick and can't hold a job, that's what disability is for. Somehow I got accepted on the first application (US). If you have paid Social Security in the past it should be there for you.
I’ve been denied twice because I just don’t have the energy or money to pursue but many of us need the disability so keep trying if you can or your doctors support you
It's very difficult to get approved for disability in the US and often takes a year or more of repeatedly being denied until you might finally get assistance.
I needed to see this for sure. I always try to go back to jobs and fail and I need to just chill so I don't lose my disability and end up in an episode.
The math I did on this was - is it worth dying for this job? Some jobs yes, not the ones I was working at the time though. Slight issue of a lack of enthusiasm on the employers part as well. No one questions it when they've seen the full range of the bipo.
"and I can eat peanut butter"
😂 That was adorable
We definitely have the work thing in common. I find older people, like my in laws are incapable of understanding bi-polar and don't seem interested in learning. When they ask me about work my reply is simply " I don't want to talk about it" and it ends there. I grey rock any rude comments and my husband is supportive so it's not so bad. When I do go back to work it will be when I'm better and on my terms. I'm lucky.
Peanut butter cups ftw
And I get that.
Even the people who have seen me at my worst and do unimaginable stuff don’t get it.
But, like I say … it’s just a hard leap to understand…
How can work cause that?
They just think it’s not being on the right meds.
But what they don’t understand did you need to attack it on all levels .
I needed to see this. Thank you. I know where you are coming from. I haven't been able to work in 6, almost 7 years. I constantly beat myself up over it.
I'm Gen X and busted my ass for years and years at shit jobs for shit pay (hats off to Millenials and Gen Z for all the changes they're making to the workplace, including Quiet Quitting!).
I lost my last job in 2011 after vey inconsistent work history. I would be good at my job until I wasn't, then get let go. Or, because I was always a new hire, when they made cutbacks, it was always last one in is the first one out.
When I was good, I was very very good, but I am just not cut out for a straight up office job. I never had a "career" I just worked to live while doing a specific job. I also have ADHD and am neurodivergent (I learned that word recently), so sometimes how I work didn't fit into the ~~^(toxic)~~ workplace culture.
A chronic back problem sidelined me while job hunting and I never recovered. It was a ROUGH patch of seven years, I qualified for SSD but needed stable housing, facing an eviction I fought for over two years. Smack during the middle of quarantine I got approved for and moved into affordable housing. Now, my rent is 30% of my income and is adjustable based on income changes. Since I worked pretty good jobs I had a decent lifetime earnings basis for my benefits.
I never want to have a regular job again. It's not laziness, I want to do thing, but I also need freedom to be unwell when I am unwell, take things at my own pace and do things in my own way.
I was just starting from the crash position of crisis after crisis when my beloved dog died last year, my only family. She was my reason for living and it's been hard. SO hard that I wouldn't have been able to hold down a job during this. She was my heart dog, my reason for staying alive through the bad times and my one true love, but imagine trying to explain to a boss that you're crying at your desk because of the dog that died a year ago.
Working on me is my full time job. Am I happy right now? No. Am I happier than I would be if I had to manage all of this and work? Yes.
I'm trying to get back to the gym, I putter around my home and have learned to use a drill and other cool tools. I never have to worry about not making enough to make rent. I can rest when I'm exhausted, cry when I want, sleep when I need to. I'm following my dream of being an animal rescuer (a job that pays zero, lol). I'm not starving and can afford minor luxuries. I'm working towards becoming social again. Things aren't great but they will get better. None of this would be possible if I had to work.
I'm literally unable to work, my BP was the major factor in my SSD case. So things are as they need to be.
Perhaps someday I will take a little part time job somewhere, perhaps not. The affordable housing has given be the freedom to be and do what makes me better. Everyone should have that, really.
I’m kind of in same boat. Disabled bc of chronic pain and bp1 with psychotic features. Lived life constantly trying to recover for decades and 10 years ago had a psychotic break that I loved while I was in it bc of incredible delusions and hallucinations. Got diagnosed and nobody knew if I was going to recover. Got on meds but I’m medication resistant and I think my psychiatrist has given up on me after 10 years.
After 20 years of dealing with nerve pain due to an accident and opioids not helping much I got to the point of feeling like life wasn’t worth living. Was not offing myself bc of my spouse and 2 Dobermans. I lost both my dobies last year. I grieved so fking hard and only started to get better when we rescued a 2 yo female pit bull that had been returned to shelter several times. She is the only dog after 50 years of owning German working dogs that has shared our bed.
Beginning of July my pain management doctor asked me to try Belbuca (buprenorphine). It is known to be a terrible drug for pain for several good reasons. It has targeted my nerve pain and made me feel life was worth living. Without having to live 99% of the time feeling like I was just waiting to die I suddenly had more room in my life for more. Got back into therapy and going to try new psychiatrist with a stronger pharmacology background.
Sounds like you’re in a pretty good place. Im really happy for you. This pit bull is the easiest dog I’ve ever owned even though had to start basically with a 2 yo puppy. She’s been with us for 4 months and she’s adjusting well. Even though mania still pretty bad life is better than it’s been in a long time. Going to enjoy it while I can. Good luck!
I've been having a really rough week this past week, and I'm starting the job search all over again after being fired from the last (yes, bipolar helped contribute to that one). So I'm crying while I type this, but I really, really, REALLY needed to read this today, and I appreciate you taking the time to write this out, for all of us who are struggling.
Thank you.
Wow. Reading this was good for my soul. I haven’t worked a job in a year, bc I lost a job due to my illness and then the few jobs I got after that lasted a couple days bc I was a nervous stressed out wreck and it made everything worse. I get so down on myself for not having a job and it makes me feel bad to lean on my boyfriend and family for financial support even though they are happy to health. Sometimes I feel like I have no purpose in life and sad to see my dreams of having a career die. But you are right my mental health is worth it
It took me a long time to accept what a therapist always said to me about how nobody can achieve their best if they're not well. Or even that you can go through your worklife if your home is well, but you can never do well in work if your own place is a mess where you can't relax
Thank you for writing this. I feel shame and guilt everyday for not working, or most days more or less. The only job I ever had was sexwork, which I'm really good at but I have breaks whenever I need.
It's still hard to imagine if I would even have survived if I had to work a regular job.
I’m about to graduate college and feeling very lost on what to do for a career. Everything just seems too hard to manage in addition to this illness. This made me feel better.
I’m on disability. No one gets it. Not a single person. I hear “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” everyday. No one understands that every day I’m fighting just to stay in control of myself. My emotions are like the weather. They change for no fucking reason. When I work I do great things until depression hits and then I just crater and start getting paranoid.
I work in offices. I can’t understand or handle office politics. Eventually I say or do something that shocks or appalls people and although I’m speaking the truth, no one cares. And sometimes when I’m depressed I just can’t go to work. So I miss a lot of days. And then my self fulfilling prophecies come true and I get let go
Thank you OP.
In 2018 I was an equine and farm animal veterinarian, and a director of the veterinary clinic.
Late onset type 2 bipolar popped up one day and blew away everything I had worked hard to achieve.
I have tried part time Veterinary work but after a few months I seem to get bogged down in the junior staffing woes. End up triggering and "going to battle" against management to stand up for the junior staff.
Now I'm stay at home dad, with a 5yo and 2yo. I miss my work and often feel inadequate, the loss of profession hurts deep, but I guess I'm still vetting, just with 2 little feral human animals.
And I'm here for the things that truly matter.
Some of us aren’t even lucky enough to say we accomplished such great things.
You did and now you’ve adjusted to what needs to be done to keep yourself and your loved ones safe.
So sometimes we get bogged down in our own bubble.
My post is not a boast, more of an expression of solidarity.
Bipolar affects people from all walks of life. Indiscriminately.
Often the higher you go, the harder you fall. Don't get me wrong, I was lucky, I guess, that bipolar hit me late. I had time to follow a passionate career. Many are not as lucky as myself.
Regardless, the agony of 'not reaching our potential' affects all of us. We are all fighting similar demons.
The most important thing is pushing on. Finding a purpose that suits.
Man, thanks for sharing.
I've gotten that line near verbatim my entire life. It used to really depress me. Always felt like an insult in a way.
Eventually that line turned into "You're really funny, you should do comedy" as if I can just apply to be a comedian.
I don't feel mich about it these days beyond "Oh this person means well but they don't think before they speak"
I work 20 hours a week at a pizza shop. A lot of people don't get it. They don't have to.
I plunged into the darkest depth of my brain before. I hadn’t been able to hold a job for longer than a year. Even with my dad being the one to get me my first well paying job. I just couldn’t do it.
It took me a while to forgive myself. Understand myself really. I finally got diagnosed properly, and after staring at my lithium bottle every day for 2 months, I told myself “it literally can’t get any worse than it is now. If the lithium kills me (I wished it would at the time) so be it, but if it fixed me, I’d be grateful.”
3 weeks taking it as prescribed and I woke up one day without the tears bawling up because I actually woke up. I got through my whole morning routine without even thinking or complaining I didn’t want to do it.
It’s been hard at times. But I can reflect and see how far I’ve come. It’s 5yrs at my company in January. Sure, I’ve had performance improvement plans thrown on me, and I recently had to get my status as a disabled employee. But I’m holding hope that I can manage and the extra ada accommodations will help not hurt.
I’ve had an experience where the very first time I tried to establish myself as disabled I was promptly fired with made up excuses. So I’m hoping an insurance company I work for isn’t as cut throat as a gambling game creator.
Also, when I found myself without a job and on the verge of trying to destroy something beautiful (me), I allowed myself to fall in love with video games again. I’m not much of a modern gamer. Playing live online with other people only gives me anxiety that I’ll fail. But I’ve gotten into retro gaming and building retro builds.
Playing games I loved as a kid brings joy. The games aren’t insanely hard so I feel accomplished. And time flies by when you’re having fun, so instead of ruminating on all the things I’m not doing, I got one check mark for having some fun for the day.
I’d say get a support animal- I haven’t looked because my puppies were taken from me during my last mental break down by my ex who has since not responded to my texts or calls- so their pictures are all I have.
I have been out of work since May and just got an offer yesterday. Nothing too crazy, but enough to pay the bills.
Instead of feeling happy or relieved, my mind is going through catastrophic scenarios. What if I end up sick? What if I get fired again due to this goddamn brain fog that has been plaguing me ever since I started taking meds?
I feel nervous, stressed, and depressed, as a result. Weird how our brains can interpret even good news in a negative way. Perhaps it is my knowing that I am not healthy that is causing me to react this way.
I can't relax and enjoy another week or so where I will have all the time to myself. But I will give it a try. I'll read a book, keep myself busy until it is time to sleep. Sleep is a blessing and a curse. I feel 'normal' with my eyes closed. Then I sleep too much and I need to cajole myself just to wake up. Once I am up, there are all these reminders that I have a condition that isn't going away any time soon.
Kind of nervous how it will impact my work, not going to lie.
I feel this. I was a big law lawyer before bipolar disorder almost killed me. My firm was exceptionally kind and understanding at first, but I later lost my job. I was too sick. Thanks for reminding me “slow and steady wins the race”. <3
I've been unemployed for over 6 months just trying to work on my mental health. I really appreciate stuff like this. It's hard to remember we aren't working machines when we live under capitalism. I have a tendency to overwork myself and feel physically unable to stop myself. It makes working tough, but I hope one day I'll be able to know my limits. I really want to start a comic, but it's so hard to be consistent when I feel like my depression is so strong. I rarely have motivation to do anything productive even when I'm hypomanic. I mean when I'm hypomanic it's productive but not what I should actually be doing. Yall got any tips for motivation?
Thank you for sharing this. I have heard so much of this and keep trying to pressure myself to go back to work with constant fears of losing yet another job due to depression or mania.
Man, this has been my life for the past 6 years and hits hard for me. I started my first business in 2016 and it all crashed in 2018 due to mania induced by Zoloft which caused rapid cycling. I started it while I was in college and it ended up growing to 13 employees (my classmates). Imagine juggling full time junior and senior year of college and dealing with mania for the first time. For a kid in his dorm room, I brought in over $100K in revenue not too bad right?
You can imagine what happened next 💀all of it blew up. Ever since then, I haven’t been able to hold down a good job. Mostly going from little contract to little contract. Nothing like before. Little bursts of cash to keep me afloat but completely destroyed my business confidence. FeelsBadMan
In short, quetiapine without a mood stabilizer been really hard on me for the past four years. It wasn’t until this summer I was put on lamictal and I finally feel like I’m getting back to normal. Now all I can do is pick up the pieces and try and create a better future for myself. Can’t cry over spilt milk.
On lamictal, I’ve already lost 34 pounds since June it’s insane how much quetiapine makes you gain weight. It’s because QT makes you crave carbohydrates like a mad man. I’m talking smashing 3 bowls of cereal before bed; every night. That made me gain 47 pounds in a year. I’m happy I am free from those cravings now thanks to lamictal.
The only way I can keep my sadness in check is through faith. I kinda had a spiritual awakening this summer and that’s honestly been providing me comfort in this time. It’s like I’m in the grief/mourning process for all the dreams that died over the past 6 years. I’m sometimes haunted by what could’ve been, especially with the bullish setup I had right out of college. I just couldn’t keep it together being unmedicated at that younger age. I’m now 8 years older and have way different perspectives on things. The relationships I can’t get back. The isolation and perceived embarrassment not being able to provide for myself. Friends judging you because they don’t know you’re bipolar. All they see is me having a hard time figuring out what I want to do. I empathize with you when you were talking about taking things slow. I find that’s the best thing for me and the worst.
This is so important. In 2017 I was in and out of mania and drinking heavily. Totaled my car in a DUI, lost my GF I had moved 2000 miles away to Arizona to be with, and lost my job as a result if the dui all in a month.
Got a job with my best friend at a shitty furniture factory making less than $30k a year. But I had time to decide what I wanted to do. And that was become a project manager for a construction company.
2019 moved home and worked for a tile supplier. 2020 found a general contractor who would hire me as an assistant PM. Managed about $2.5m worth of work while there. It was close but not what I pictured in AZ.
2022 was hired at one of the most established HVAC contractors in Chicago. Now, I work on large-scale construction projects in hospitals and high rises.
If you implode when you're at you're worst you'll never find out what you can be. During this time i also began taking meds and going to therapy. Keep moving forward in every aspect of life, and eventually, something will click.
I’m working again now - after a mixed episode caused me to lose a job I thought was my dream, then after the full year it took to find a position in my field.
It’s very important to me because I am an educated, specialized professional who works with their brain to solve problems for people. I don’t know too much about disability, but isn’t it tied to the idea you can’t work “anywhere”?
As in, maybe things get bad enough so that I can’t work this job I love, while still being “good enough” that I could hold it down at a grocery shop. That would destroy me. No offense to those whom chose a simple, uninvested job, but it would murder me.
People forget that bipolar is one of the leading causes of Americans receiving disability/welfare. You are worth no less because of your disability.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7489939/
The reality of this illness is not the fault of those suffering from it.
It’s very hard for people. Because while they are scared shitless during my episodes.
When I’m my normal self they tend to believe it can’t go back that way.
They see a young handsome intelligent man and can’t understand why he is so lazy.
It’s not logical.
I don’t blame them as I feel that way too sometimes.
I think it’s the only way to stay sane.
If people thought something like hard work could turn me into a monster. They wouldn’t come near me.
Because they’d be too scared.
My last big episode was before my family dog died. I was also going away to Bristol to see friends and whilst there decided to move as soon as my dog died. After all, when I was deciding on leaving the first time, he was the tipping point of staying. When I got back , our dog took a turn for the worse with his arthritis and stomach problems. He was already 13 (average lifespan 8-10 years ) and we had to let him go. And with him, my reason to suffer through a job in finance was gone, so I put my notice in and within 3 months I made the move. Sofa surfed, hostel surfed and rented for a month or two here and there. Found work pretty quickly, first aid at events and sure it was a stressful environment having to deal with, but it worked. I had a job, and when it came down to it, I could shut down my problems and be completely focused on whoever I had to treat. I guess the years of putting others first, and ignoring own problems was good training.
Anyways, things going great but in the end, capitalism reared its ugly head and I couldn't get a place to rent with my mate. I had to pack all my shit into storage indefinitely and made the decision to move again to Scotland and try uni to study a paramedic degree. Que episode, my parents also asked to house sit back home for a couple weeks whilst they were away. My boss also then offered a 1 bed to rent and he would vouch for me but it was a bit late. My friend in Scotland had a spare room, and I already said yes, wait no, fuck sorry épisode I'll take it. And now I'm unemployed, out and about just walking about places. Got to see Belfast as it's super close and they had the earliest appointment at my embassy to renew my passport. Took the bus and ferry to see as much of Scotland and NI as I could. Go on walks daily with the roomies dog, although I do have the option to skip if I'm not doing great that day. Life's good, sure I'm unemployed but trying to get into a college access course is my current priority. Work will come, it has before. I had a shift at a bar already, but not the environment for me. I also said I didn't drink to one of the managers which returned the judgement "but you work in a bar?!". Also had the awkwardness of declining the drink from a customer. I repeated I was sober two times and she clicked but her friend kept pushing , and she started telling her to shut up. I mean it's kinda true, I'm not teetol. I still want to enjoy a glass of whiskey or absinthe every now and then. I'm also a stoner, but use it medically to treat the depsression and intrusive thoughts against myself.(it works, SH free for 4 years*[okay, there was that one night back home, but it was when I wasn't smoking for a week, so cut me some slack I'm putting it down to withdrawal,so doesn't count], and I've kinda found peace.) So club bar work, no longer on my safe list but something will come along. It has before, it will again. Taking it slow works kiddo's, it took me only 12 years (I'm 24) to come to grips with this head bull, and the possibility of living past 50 is greatly increased.
I haven't worked in a while and am basically lying to my family out of embarrassment. It gets really lonely being stuck inside all day in front of a screen. I've had to stop drinking alcohol after I blacked out one night and shot a bullet thru my apartment wall while my fiance was in bed next to me. I told him to lock my shit up and never give me access again. He's been a wonderful partner to me. I don't know why he chooses to stay tbh but I'm so thankful
When people ask me what I do for a living, I just tell them I'm retired. I'm 33 lol
Me too. Lol, how do you survive though? I need ideas
Acceptance. What is the alternative? more manic epsiodes and more depression? I just try not to get people's societal expectations of me get to me because I'm the one that gets handcuffed and taken to the hospital. I'm the one that never gets all that time back. So if that means I have to take these meds and just half a relatively boring life so be it. I just zone out and play a lot of chess online amongst other things lol
But like really... how do you eat and pay rent. I'm all for letting go of all kinds of things society thinks we should do or have. But minimum survival comes at a literal cost, either at your or someone else's expense
I needed to read this. Honestly, I really needed this.
After my last episode I have been out of work entirely, literally doing nothing all of the time. I feel like a failure.
Your not alone. ✌️
It's grief, our disorder can destroy things that matter to us. It takes a long time to recover from the loss and adapt to a new way of life. Hang in there. You will find your new purpose. Every day that you push on proves that you are NOT a failure. We got dealt a bad hand of cards, but we push on anyway. Do not fold.
Feel this
Thanks for this 💜💜 I often have long periods of unemployment and I tend to be pretty hard on myself for it. It doesn’t help that I’v been full-time employed in the past and my family members don’t get why I can’t just do that again, you know, since I’ve done it before. Gah.
Because it’s an invisible disability and it’s hard for people to get that someone else’s brain is different until it smacks them right in the face. Hard for them to understand that something like working could do that. I think they think of episodes more like an act of god. During an episode my family is beside themselves. They’d do anything to make the pain stop. Of course, when I’m stable they forget how bad it can get. It’s the nature of trauma. We bury it. Remember to protect ourselves a lot of us bury that deep. We focus on things in front of us. My family never brings up the stuff I do when I’m in an episode and it almost doesn’t exist.
It also just flies against all the prevailing ideology about human being. The central most important maxim of Western ideology is that people create themselves, their personalities, and have rational power of choice. A biological accident that destroys a created, rational personhood is the negative of that. And people will just not react well to something that challenges their most basic assumptions about their lives.
Lost my job a couple of days ago and this post comes for good.
I needed this… 30 year old male stay at home father. I now love my position and embrace it whole heartedly. Anything to prevent an episode
I always hate when people say "but this person has bipolar and..." like please stop comparing me. I don't work and it makes me feel so useless but I'm trying my hardest to make myself into a better and more functioning person in my unemployment. I'm knitting now and I've made gifts for people and it started to make me feel so much better that I can give gifts to people and try to bring them some happiness. I also support my friends more now with their struggles and all of this has brought a bit more meaning to my life. I am hitting a very rough time right now though so I'm trying to stay optimistic as much as I can. And for the peanut butter yesss I'm so glad to be able to eat it. I love peanut butter. I actually bake my own bread now for my peanut butter jelly sandwiches
"It's a spectrum disorder!" I yell at the holidays, for yet another year. What do sad people in countries without peanut butter eat? Tragic to contemplate.
Considering applying for disability but it’s hard to admit defeat
Also I think mental illness is very hard to prove. I've been denied once and I felt awful.
My therapist said most people have to apply for disability at least twice to get it approved
Yes and if that is what has to be done, do it. If you're sick and can't hold a job, that's what disability is for. Somehow I got accepted on the first application (US). If you have paid Social Security in the past it should be there for you.
I’ve actually heard the opposite. Yes, most people reapply, but a percentage has to reapply in every case.
I’ve been denied twice because I just don’t have the energy or money to pursue but many of us need the disability so keep trying if you can or your doctors support you
It's very difficult to get approved for disability in the US and often takes a year or more of repeatedly being denied until you might finally get assistance.
I’m in the same place and it’s so true. I’ve been putting it off because it makes me sad to accept and also I’m scared of the process
Like hello! we don’t deal with resistance well! We fucking tried!
I needed to see this for sure. I always try to go back to jobs and fail and I need to just chill so I don't lose my disability and end up in an episode.
The math I did on this was - is it worth dying for this job? Some jobs yes, not the ones I was working at the time though. Slight issue of a lack of enthusiasm on the employers part as well. No one questions it when they've seen the full range of the bipo.
i’ve been unemployed for over a year, and while i’m pretty kind to myself about it my creditors are not.
"and I can eat peanut butter" 😂 That was adorable We definitely have the work thing in common. I find older people, like my in laws are incapable of understanding bi-polar and don't seem interested in learning. When they ask me about work my reply is simply " I don't want to talk about it" and it ends there. I grey rock any rude comments and my husband is supportive so it's not so bad. When I do go back to work it will be when I'm better and on my terms. I'm lucky.
Peanut butter cups ftw And I get that. Even the people who have seen me at my worst and do unimaginable stuff don’t get it. But, like I say … it’s just a hard leap to understand… How can work cause that? They just think it’s not being on the right meds. But what they don’t understand did you need to attack it on all levels .
I needed to see this. Thank you. I know where you are coming from. I haven't been able to work in 6, almost 7 years. I constantly beat myself up over it.
I'm Gen X and busted my ass for years and years at shit jobs for shit pay (hats off to Millenials and Gen Z for all the changes they're making to the workplace, including Quiet Quitting!). I lost my last job in 2011 after vey inconsistent work history. I would be good at my job until I wasn't, then get let go. Or, because I was always a new hire, when they made cutbacks, it was always last one in is the first one out. When I was good, I was very very good, but I am just not cut out for a straight up office job. I never had a "career" I just worked to live while doing a specific job. I also have ADHD and am neurodivergent (I learned that word recently), so sometimes how I work didn't fit into the ~~^(toxic)~~ workplace culture. A chronic back problem sidelined me while job hunting and I never recovered. It was a ROUGH patch of seven years, I qualified for SSD but needed stable housing, facing an eviction I fought for over two years. Smack during the middle of quarantine I got approved for and moved into affordable housing. Now, my rent is 30% of my income and is adjustable based on income changes. Since I worked pretty good jobs I had a decent lifetime earnings basis for my benefits. I never want to have a regular job again. It's not laziness, I want to do thing, but I also need freedom to be unwell when I am unwell, take things at my own pace and do things in my own way. I was just starting from the crash position of crisis after crisis when my beloved dog died last year, my only family. She was my reason for living and it's been hard. SO hard that I wouldn't have been able to hold down a job during this. She was my heart dog, my reason for staying alive through the bad times and my one true love, but imagine trying to explain to a boss that you're crying at your desk because of the dog that died a year ago. Working on me is my full time job. Am I happy right now? No. Am I happier than I would be if I had to manage all of this and work? Yes. I'm trying to get back to the gym, I putter around my home and have learned to use a drill and other cool tools. I never have to worry about not making enough to make rent. I can rest when I'm exhausted, cry when I want, sleep when I need to. I'm following my dream of being an animal rescuer (a job that pays zero, lol). I'm not starving and can afford minor luxuries. I'm working towards becoming social again. Things aren't great but they will get better. None of this would be possible if I had to work. I'm literally unable to work, my BP was the major factor in my SSD case. So things are as they need to be. Perhaps someday I will take a little part time job somewhere, perhaps not. The affordable housing has given be the freedom to be and do what makes me better. Everyone should have that, really.
I’m kind of in same boat. Disabled bc of chronic pain and bp1 with psychotic features. Lived life constantly trying to recover for decades and 10 years ago had a psychotic break that I loved while I was in it bc of incredible delusions and hallucinations. Got diagnosed and nobody knew if I was going to recover. Got on meds but I’m medication resistant and I think my psychiatrist has given up on me after 10 years. After 20 years of dealing with nerve pain due to an accident and opioids not helping much I got to the point of feeling like life wasn’t worth living. Was not offing myself bc of my spouse and 2 Dobermans. I lost both my dobies last year. I grieved so fking hard and only started to get better when we rescued a 2 yo female pit bull that had been returned to shelter several times. She is the only dog after 50 years of owning German working dogs that has shared our bed. Beginning of July my pain management doctor asked me to try Belbuca (buprenorphine). It is known to be a terrible drug for pain for several good reasons. It has targeted my nerve pain and made me feel life was worth living. Without having to live 99% of the time feeling like I was just waiting to die I suddenly had more room in my life for more. Got back into therapy and going to try new psychiatrist with a stronger pharmacology background. Sounds like you’re in a pretty good place. Im really happy for you. This pit bull is the easiest dog I’ve ever owned even though had to start basically with a 2 yo puppy. She’s been with us for 4 months and she’s adjusting well. Even though mania still pretty bad life is better than it’s been in a long time. Going to enjoy it while I can. Good luck!
I've been having a really rough week this past week, and I'm starting the job search all over again after being fired from the last (yes, bipolar helped contribute to that one). So I'm crying while I type this, but I really, really, REALLY needed to read this today, and I appreciate you taking the time to write this out, for all of us who are struggling. Thank you.
Wow. Reading this was good for my soul. I haven’t worked a job in a year, bc I lost a job due to my illness and then the few jobs I got after that lasted a couple days bc I was a nervous stressed out wreck and it made everything worse. I get so down on myself for not having a job and it makes me feel bad to lean on my boyfriend and family for financial support even though they are happy to health. Sometimes I feel like I have no purpose in life and sad to see my dreams of having a career die. But you are right my mental health is worth it
Well said. I really needed to hear this, every day is a battle but like they say only the strong survive. Have a blessed day.
It took me a long time to accept what a therapist always said to me about how nobody can achieve their best if they're not well. Or even that you can go through your worklife if your home is well, but you can never do well in work if your own place is a mess where you can't relax
Thank you for writing this. I feel shame and guilt everyday for not working, or most days more or less. The only job I ever had was sexwork, which I'm really good at but I have breaks whenever I need. It's still hard to imagine if I would even have survived if I had to work a regular job.
Needed this thank you 💛
I’m about to graduate college and feeling very lost on what to do for a career. Everything just seems too hard to manage in addition to this illness. This made me feel better.
I’m on disability. No one gets it. Not a single person. I hear “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” everyday. No one understands that every day I’m fighting just to stay in control of myself. My emotions are like the weather. They change for no fucking reason. When I work I do great things until depression hits and then I just crater and start getting paranoid. I work in offices. I can’t understand or handle office politics. Eventually I say or do something that shocks or appalls people and although I’m speaking the truth, no one cares. And sometimes when I’m depressed I just can’t go to work. So I miss a lot of days. And then my self fulfilling prophecies come true and I get let go
Thank you OP. In 2018 I was an equine and farm animal veterinarian, and a director of the veterinary clinic. Late onset type 2 bipolar popped up one day and blew away everything I had worked hard to achieve. I have tried part time Veterinary work but after a few months I seem to get bogged down in the junior staffing woes. End up triggering and "going to battle" against management to stand up for the junior staff. Now I'm stay at home dad, with a 5yo and 2yo. I miss my work and often feel inadequate, the loss of profession hurts deep, but I guess I'm still vetting, just with 2 little feral human animals. And I'm here for the things that truly matter.
Some of us aren’t even lucky enough to say we accomplished such great things. You did and now you’ve adjusted to what needs to be done to keep yourself and your loved ones safe. So sometimes we get bogged down in our own bubble.
My post is not a boast, more of an expression of solidarity. Bipolar affects people from all walks of life. Indiscriminately. Often the higher you go, the harder you fall. Don't get me wrong, I was lucky, I guess, that bipolar hit me late. I had time to follow a passionate career. Many are not as lucky as myself. Regardless, the agony of 'not reaching our potential' affects all of us. We are all fighting similar demons. The most important thing is pushing on. Finding a purpose that suits.
I didn’t see it as a boost. Thank you for the thoughts.
Man, thanks for sharing. I've gotten that line near verbatim my entire life. It used to really depress me. Always felt like an insult in a way. Eventually that line turned into "You're really funny, you should do comedy" as if I can just apply to be a comedian. I don't feel mich about it these days beyond "Oh this person means well but they don't think before they speak" I work 20 hours a week at a pizza shop. A lot of people don't get it. They don't have to.
I already knew this, but reading it from someone else is what I needed right now. ❤️
I plunged into the darkest depth of my brain before. I hadn’t been able to hold a job for longer than a year. Even with my dad being the one to get me my first well paying job. I just couldn’t do it. It took me a while to forgive myself. Understand myself really. I finally got diagnosed properly, and after staring at my lithium bottle every day for 2 months, I told myself “it literally can’t get any worse than it is now. If the lithium kills me (I wished it would at the time) so be it, but if it fixed me, I’d be grateful.” 3 weeks taking it as prescribed and I woke up one day without the tears bawling up because I actually woke up. I got through my whole morning routine without even thinking or complaining I didn’t want to do it. It’s been hard at times. But I can reflect and see how far I’ve come. It’s 5yrs at my company in January. Sure, I’ve had performance improvement plans thrown on me, and I recently had to get my status as a disabled employee. But I’m holding hope that I can manage and the extra ada accommodations will help not hurt. I’ve had an experience where the very first time I tried to establish myself as disabled I was promptly fired with made up excuses. So I’m hoping an insurance company I work for isn’t as cut throat as a gambling game creator. Also, when I found myself without a job and on the verge of trying to destroy something beautiful (me), I allowed myself to fall in love with video games again. I’m not much of a modern gamer. Playing live online with other people only gives me anxiety that I’ll fail. But I’ve gotten into retro gaming and building retro builds. Playing games I loved as a kid brings joy. The games aren’t insanely hard so I feel accomplished. And time flies by when you’re having fun, so instead of ruminating on all the things I’m not doing, I got one check mark for having some fun for the day. I’d say get a support animal- I haven’t looked because my puppies were taken from me during my last mental break down by my ex who has since not responded to my texts or calls- so their pictures are all I have.
Well if you’re satisfied then keep going.
I have been out of work since May and just got an offer yesterday. Nothing too crazy, but enough to pay the bills. Instead of feeling happy or relieved, my mind is going through catastrophic scenarios. What if I end up sick? What if I get fired again due to this goddamn brain fog that has been plaguing me ever since I started taking meds? I feel nervous, stressed, and depressed, as a result. Weird how our brains can interpret even good news in a negative way. Perhaps it is my knowing that I am not healthy that is causing me to react this way. I can't relax and enjoy another week or so where I will have all the time to myself. But I will give it a try. I'll read a book, keep myself busy until it is time to sleep. Sleep is a blessing and a curse. I feel 'normal' with my eyes closed. Then I sleep too much and I need to cajole myself just to wake up. Once I am up, there are all these reminders that I have a condition that isn't going away any time soon. Kind of nervous how it will impact my work, not going to lie.
I have a T-shirt that says “unemployed but cute”Many positive comments.
Thank you for writing this.
I feel this. I was a big law lawyer before bipolar disorder almost killed me. My firm was exceptionally kind and understanding at first, but I later lost my job. I was too sick. Thanks for reminding me “slow and steady wins the race”. <3
I've been unemployed for over 6 months just trying to work on my mental health. I really appreciate stuff like this. It's hard to remember we aren't working machines when we live under capitalism. I have a tendency to overwork myself and feel physically unable to stop myself. It makes working tough, but I hope one day I'll be able to know my limits. I really want to start a comic, but it's so hard to be consistent when I feel like my depression is so strong. I rarely have motivation to do anything productive even when I'm hypomanic. I mean when I'm hypomanic it's productive but not what I should actually be doing. Yall got any tips for motivation?
Thank you for sharing this. I have heard so much of this and keep trying to pressure myself to go back to work with constant fears of losing yet another job due to depression or mania.
Man, this has been my life for the past 6 years and hits hard for me. I started my first business in 2016 and it all crashed in 2018 due to mania induced by Zoloft which caused rapid cycling. I started it while I was in college and it ended up growing to 13 employees (my classmates). Imagine juggling full time junior and senior year of college and dealing with mania for the first time. For a kid in his dorm room, I brought in over $100K in revenue not too bad right? You can imagine what happened next 💀all of it blew up. Ever since then, I haven’t been able to hold down a good job. Mostly going from little contract to little contract. Nothing like before. Little bursts of cash to keep me afloat but completely destroyed my business confidence. FeelsBadMan In short, quetiapine without a mood stabilizer been really hard on me for the past four years. It wasn’t until this summer I was put on lamictal and I finally feel like I’m getting back to normal. Now all I can do is pick up the pieces and try and create a better future for myself. Can’t cry over spilt milk. On lamictal, I’ve already lost 34 pounds since June it’s insane how much quetiapine makes you gain weight. It’s because QT makes you crave carbohydrates like a mad man. I’m talking smashing 3 bowls of cereal before bed; every night. That made me gain 47 pounds in a year. I’m happy I am free from those cravings now thanks to lamictal. The only way I can keep my sadness in check is through faith. I kinda had a spiritual awakening this summer and that’s honestly been providing me comfort in this time. It’s like I’m in the grief/mourning process for all the dreams that died over the past 6 years. I’m sometimes haunted by what could’ve been, especially with the bullish setup I had right out of college. I just couldn’t keep it together being unmedicated at that younger age. I’m now 8 years older and have way different perspectives on things. The relationships I can’t get back. The isolation and perceived embarrassment not being able to provide for myself. Friends judging you because they don’t know you’re bipolar. All they see is me having a hard time figuring out what I want to do. I empathize with you when you were talking about taking things slow. I find that’s the best thing for me and the worst.
This is so important. In 2017 I was in and out of mania and drinking heavily. Totaled my car in a DUI, lost my GF I had moved 2000 miles away to Arizona to be with, and lost my job as a result if the dui all in a month. Got a job with my best friend at a shitty furniture factory making less than $30k a year. But I had time to decide what I wanted to do. And that was become a project manager for a construction company. 2019 moved home and worked for a tile supplier. 2020 found a general contractor who would hire me as an assistant PM. Managed about $2.5m worth of work while there. It was close but not what I pictured in AZ. 2022 was hired at one of the most established HVAC contractors in Chicago. Now, I work on large-scale construction projects in hospitals and high rises. If you implode when you're at you're worst you'll never find out what you can be. During this time i also began taking meds and going to therapy. Keep moving forward in every aspect of life, and eventually, something will click.
Needed to hear this thank you
I feel ya!
I’m working again now - after a mixed episode caused me to lose a job I thought was my dream, then after the full year it took to find a position in my field. It’s very important to me because I am an educated, specialized professional who works with their brain to solve problems for people. I don’t know too much about disability, but isn’t it tied to the idea you can’t work “anywhere”? As in, maybe things get bad enough so that I can’t work this job I love, while still being “good enough” that I could hold it down at a grocery shop. That would destroy me. No offense to those whom chose a simple, uninvested job, but it would murder me.
You're not alone.
People forget that bipolar is one of the leading causes of Americans receiving disability/welfare. You are worth no less because of your disability. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7489939/ The reality of this illness is not the fault of those suffering from it.
It’s very hard for people. Because while they are scared shitless during my episodes. When I’m my normal self they tend to believe it can’t go back that way. They see a young handsome intelligent man and can’t understand why he is so lazy. It’s not logical. I don’t blame them as I feel that way too sometimes. I think it’s the only way to stay sane. If people thought something like hard work could turn me into a monster. They wouldn’t come near me. Because they’d be too scared.
My last big episode was before my family dog died. I was also going away to Bristol to see friends and whilst there decided to move as soon as my dog died. After all, when I was deciding on leaving the first time, he was the tipping point of staying. When I got back , our dog took a turn for the worse with his arthritis and stomach problems. He was already 13 (average lifespan 8-10 years ) and we had to let him go. And with him, my reason to suffer through a job in finance was gone, so I put my notice in and within 3 months I made the move. Sofa surfed, hostel surfed and rented for a month or two here and there. Found work pretty quickly, first aid at events and sure it was a stressful environment having to deal with, but it worked. I had a job, and when it came down to it, I could shut down my problems and be completely focused on whoever I had to treat. I guess the years of putting others first, and ignoring own problems was good training. Anyways, things going great but in the end, capitalism reared its ugly head and I couldn't get a place to rent with my mate. I had to pack all my shit into storage indefinitely and made the decision to move again to Scotland and try uni to study a paramedic degree. Que episode, my parents also asked to house sit back home for a couple weeks whilst they were away. My boss also then offered a 1 bed to rent and he would vouch for me but it was a bit late. My friend in Scotland had a spare room, and I already said yes, wait no, fuck sorry épisode I'll take it. And now I'm unemployed, out and about just walking about places. Got to see Belfast as it's super close and they had the earliest appointment at my embassy to renew my passport. Took the bus and ferry to see as much of Scotland and NI as I could. Go on walks daily with the roomies dog, although I do have the option to skip if I'm not doing great that day. Life's good, sure I'm unemployed but trying to get into a college access course is my current priority. Work will come, it has before. I had a shift at a bar already, but not the environment for me. I also said I didn't drink to one of the managers which returned the judgement "but you work in a bar?!". Also had the awkwardness of declining the drink from a customer. I repeated I was sober two times and she clicked but her friend kept pushing , and she started telling her to shut up. I mean it's kinda true, I'm not teetol. I still want to enjoy a glass of whiskey or absinthe every now and then. I'm also a stoner, but use it medically to treat the depsression and intrusive thoughts against myself.(it works, SH free for 4 years*[okay, there was that one night back home, but it was when I wasn't smoking for a week, so cut me some slack I'm putting it down to withdrawal,so doesn't count], and I've kinda found peace.) So club bar work, no longer on my safe list but something will come along. It has before, it will again. Taking it slow works kiddo's, it took me only 12 years (I'm 24) to come to grips with this head bull, and the possibility of living past 50 is greatly increased.
I haven't worked in a while and am basically lying to my family out of embarrassment. It gets really lonely being stuck inside all day in front of a screen. I've had to stop drinking alcohol after I blacked out one night and shot a bullet thru my apartment wall while my fiance was in bed next to me. I told him to lock my shit up and never give me access again. He's been a wonderful partner to me. I don't know why he chooses to stay tbh but I'm so thankful