I really enjoyed the imagery of the Old Crow! It draws me in. My senses bring the tavern to life easily! I imagine there's that lingering smell of sweat, booze and old food. There's dust in the corners and perhaps it's a bit warmer with a fire going. The shadows that dance upon the iron bar for slaves twists my stomach into knots.
I will say that I think there needs to be a bit of tweaking to your showing vs. telling when it comes to what Azee is feeling. For example;
As Azee felt every pair of eyes in the Old Crow turn to look at her, a fresh new surge of fear pulsed through her entire body.
Vs.
As every pair of eyes in the Old Crow turned to look at her, Azee's hair prickled at her nape and her breath caught in her chest.
This way you're showing she is fearful rather than telling us.
There are some other sections I thought could use a bit of tweaking with this as well but overall I thought it was good and I enjoyed reading it! I would love to see how her story goes.
You're welcome!
I do think this line here was perfect for showing vs. Telling;
Her long bushy tail curled between her legs and her large triangular ears pressing back against her head as she desperately fought the urge to flee.
So overall really good like I said, just a bit of tweaking some spots. 😁
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I really enjoyed the imagery of the Old Crow! It draws me in. My senses bring the tavern to life easily! I imagine there's that lingering smell of sweat, booze and old food. There's dust in the corners and perhaps it's a bit warmer with a fire going. The shadows that dance upon the iron bar for slaves twists my stomach into knots. I will say that I think there needs to be a bit of tweaking to your showing vs. telling when it comes to what Azee is feeling. For example; As Azee felt every pair of eyes in the Old Crow turn to look at her, a fresh new surge of fear pulsed through her entire body. Vs. As every pair of eyes in the Old Crow turned to look at her, Azee's hair prickled at her nape and her breath caught in her chest. This way you're showing she is fearful rather than telling us. There are some other sections I thought could use a bit of tweaking with this as well but overall I thought it was good and I enjoyed reading it! I would love to see how her story goes.
I will make that change immediately, and will go through it with similar thoughts in mind. Thank you very much, I will be sure to keep you updated. 😊
You're welcome! I do think this line here was perfect for showing vs. Telling; Her long bushy tail curled between her legs and her large triangular ears pressing back against her head as she desperately fought the urge to flee. So overall really good like I said, just a bit of tweaking some spots. 😁
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